Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 04/01/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #67

Episode Date: April 2, 2013

Comedian George Perez, one of Joey's best friends in comedy and life calls in to the podcast today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Streamed live on 04/01/2013

oh mother fucker shit it's just you against the world oh shit uncle joey Diaz my little brother Lisa yet the co-captain of this fucking party it's Monday April 1st get some food to suck your dick that ain't April fools day in your world you're the real fucking deal you got no time to play games with a hat with a propeller he's definitely these little faggots walking around April fucking fool it's a beautiful day to be alive Lisa at kick-a-leaf let me finish rolling this fucking number here there's Dubois this is some good shit divine no what was this what I get this only I don't know no whole organic the PR fucking

throwing heat I got that new gun from divine wellness also the new fucking gold pen oh I gave it to me I was gonna bring on the show I forgot what's up you bad motherfuckers get up wash that ass it's a beautiful day to be alive go out there kick that fucking ass let's roll this number mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm finger licking good it's Monday morning go out there and get what belongs to you you bad motherfuckers happy belated Easter hope you had a great weekend with your fucking families you ate some good food you got to give somebody a stabbing maybe eat her ass whatever you're in it's Monday morning

April 1st it's a whole new fucking start you want to start that diet you want to fucking do some jumping jazz you want to quit smoking today's your lucky fucking day you understand me because anything could happen today Monday cocksuckers let's spark this number we got a respect what's happening people everything good in your world everything's good here we had a nice weekend I get to see Lee you know it's fun we went to meltdown comments I did the set list with a bunch of fucking phonies would take glasses because God forbid they don't have their glasses on the show people how smart and intelligent they are and

that was fun with the Hollywood for a little while yeah we did not cheat on the diet the taco man was not out the whole weekend somebody got shot at skinnies oh yeah that was good Friday night it was open the next night though when we drove by finger licking motherfucking good people Friday night the dick was good Friday when I was a kid growing up no matter how crazy my mother was this I was telling people my mother was balls ass fucking crazy but once good week came well Catholic week the plans changed the fucking house so I'm I'm Jewish what's

Catholic week well it just happened you know good Friday so Easter okay happy Thursday and do you do like the whole no meat thing and stuff like that yeah it's over no Friday I didn't eat meat at all on Fridays I don't give up nothing for life I just give up the meat on Fridays that's good enough for me it's like a little fucking many discipline for eight weeks six weeks we get some but smoke me it's Monday cocksuck you gotta what nice which his hands on me like I'm Dean Lewis a fucking smoke that shit cocksuck that's my boy Lisa yet Thursday nights when I was a kid in New York and even when we moved to Jersey like

up to the time I was 10 Thursday nights I wasn't allowed to go out one six o'clock comes your home and you didn't you did it like you didn't go out I didn't do it no I like doing it and on Friday you can listen to music or watch TV I didn't know that you got a right and shit and read books and you go to the courts and playing you went to school but you had to be home by six and then Saturday you lost your fucking mind and Sunday you lost you that's it I went to church yesterday morning I was 7 30 man I said that's don't like a lot of you people it's not like I went in there straight like a soldier I got stoned sat in the

back no the thing that bothers me I'm not religious at all but when I was in living in Boston I'd go with my mom to the high holidays which is the same thing as Easter but for Jewish people and it always pissed me off there'd be the parking lot would be full everyone we'd be saying hi and like the happy new year and it really bugged me because they weren't there the whole rest of the year and I wasn't there the whole rest of the year but it seems like people go out during those days to be seen well is it the same thing people's social lifestyle is their own social lifestyle I hate that shit too you know how many

people I said hello to yesterday maybe three maybe four that made eye contact with me yeah you know I wanted 7 30 mm you know it's a 35 40 minute mass I sit in the back nobody sees me sometimes I get a cookie sometimes I don't sometimes I sit in the back and cry you know cuz it's so strong for me the feeling of being in a church oh wow it's so strong for me when I look at the 12 stations of the cross and you look at Jesus and you look at your day it's so strong for me I just sit in the back now is the mass in Latin or is it English now this is English okay that Latin stuff tries me fucking crazy okay you know so I'll

sit through it for a half hour or something like that but I don't have the endurance and I want to have no more like a church I'm like I'm lying nobody and tell you I go you know and you people going church Joey what the fuck is right I love it I love it to my own it's one hour for me to lose because I went as a kid yeah so as a kid I was an only child so when I went to church as an only child to me I would just shut my fucking mind off and go into la la land like I've been doing all my life I'm the type of guy could watch TV and next you know 30 minutes have passed and I've been mind fucking myself not even watching

the TV I don't even know what the fuck's been going on and I'm launching it I'm watching straight on but my mind has been absorbed by something else that's why I tell you I watch TV and little chunks I can't watch a football game if I wanted to yeah if I wanted to yesterday when Ari came over we were watching Moneyball you know you're the Chinese food and again you know remember we're talking about planning how to eat and planning how not to eat yeah the thing about Chinese food isn't the Mongolian beef it's not the Kung Pao chicken with steamed rice yeah that's not what really kills you even though they have sugar in

there and different sauces it's the egg rolls oh yeah it's the wonton soup which is really three points the wonton soup and the egg drop soup it's the dumplings that are like six points a piece yeah it's the the things I like the noodles and the soup oh those are good I'm fucking put a whole thing up thing and a fucking soup you've seen me when we went to Jersey the chance drag yeah so yes they mean and I got a half order of Mongolian beef light on the sauce a little spicy a lot of onions yeah and the rice and I had half a little thing of rice because I don't have them send a big container and I was good the rest I ate

a couple pieces just meat like loose protein yeah and I was good so I didn't feel bad about it you know I'm saying it's like I got a container pork fried rice that'll fucking kill you oh yeah it's a little cup is 8 it's like 12 points oh Jesus for a little fuck you ever go like Benihana oh yeah and they give you a little cup of rice that rice is fucking 22 fucking points because of the egg in the oil the oil the fucking butter the much bigger juice they got everything in there the jab blood they got everything in there you know I'm saying yeah it's pretty good I've been for people who I was supposed to end the

juice fast today but I went I on Friday wasn't feeling good so I ended it and I've been really proud of myself I did gain six pounds but that's I didn't have any food in my stomach but I went grocery shopping and I called Joey I called you from the grocery store because I have to talk to Mike Dolce again because that place I'm not kidding you the only time I would ever go there before was to get diet soda cookies and chips and like maybe a couple things I was lost there cookies chips donuts yeah yum yum bars and laundry but yeah but now that I'm buying healthy I was lost there but I I got I haven't ate at once with friends

for Easter yesterday but I've had a salad with every lunch and dinner the only mistake I've made so far is I think I'm eating too many carbs I think I have to cut some of those out like I got I got like some wheat bread and I had like a sandwich is two nights in a row that I have to cut out and I think maybe a little bit too much dairy but other than that I feel like I haven't had any work out smoking more fucking dope get over here you look like a month I need to I need to stop my dairy need to get over here smoke some fucking weed it's Monday you're walking around with show let me see you do a jumping jack just

let me just see you do a jumping jack one cock sucker one jumping guy right there he does he just did a nice jumping jack he burns some calories it's Monday you fucking filthy savages get up there's a fucking ass out there waiting for you to pop that fucking hymen get out there sling some dick it's beautiful today I don't know what it's gonna be like degrees wise no I'm no fucking weather man but it's gonna be a beautiful fucking they hit me a little I want to be a run of respect for my mom RIP my brother Jimmy Burkle died yesterday morning finally after a long two-year fucking battle we can't say he

kicked the fucking can but I would break down on right now but he called Friday and I said he got my message didn't even sound like him people didn't even fucking sound like him I had to ask to see what the fuck it was he said he got my message he said that the that the chemo that he almost died Jesus he was laughing about he goes to Grim Reaper almost came and he goes I'll call you in three days I'll call you and I got the call last night and I spoke to my friend the villa this morning on the drive he passed yesterday I don't think I'm going home for it I'm just gonna send flowers is they didn't reach out to

me you know I already made my piece I made my piece of them last year took a train down down to the shore and I brought him a piece of banana bread and we smoked some dope and we talked and the doctors fucking told him not to smoke weed that his cancer the cancer he had you couldn't smoke weed with it so this is the guy that got me to Colorado this is the angel that walked into a bar one night and we started talking and started selling me asked in Colorado and I thought I was he was crazy but what he did was he saved my life that's plain and simple I would I would have not made 1983 you don't think so no I would

have not finished 1983 I would have not finished 1983 I know that for a fact geez so my heart goes out to him and his family his wife and his child and my life you know he's gonna make my own this is you know in your life you lose people when you lose people you know who the fuck doesn't matter I mean they don't matter but there's certain people that you're gonna look at the phone and go wow I can't call that number anymore you know and I used to call him and we we goof around we call each other dick he's the one that got me down certain job it's it's it's it's something that I know I've had a relationship with him

for I don't 50 I've had a relationship with him since so 34 fucking years you know so my heart goes out there and he's been suffering for a while right he's been so he did five treatments you know and it wasn't smoking he didn't smoke fucking cigarettes and nothing guys he was a fishing guy so he went he had cancer in the scalp and it went to his lymph nodes I spit on myself they shouldn't touch myself with that fucking cancer thing that so little fucking Tony Bennett for his spirit and then anybody else we lost I love it motherfuckers it's Monday wash your fucking snatch watch those feet

get out there brush your teeth comb your hair there you go Lee I'm over here smoking solo again like fucking bring go star I can't go hit for it with Jesus we got two more bats coming at you it's one day I need you alive and kicking lead on like fucking oatmeal either I don't know that's not that don't like oatmeal now yeah you got a lot of problems like you want cuz it only go meal yeah that's a main stage that's a rope never everybody put the fucking music on you know to lower it cuz you owe me a promise not everyone like so maybe I like I have some eggs I have some wheat toast what's wrong with

that you you all you ever talk about you should do you have one egg you want you have some water but I have a protein purposes yeah I don't have eight eggs I have two eggs really yeah I don't like eggs no more it depends hit it Lee oh shit this joint is on fire Jesus right so so your wife and daughter been on a time for a little gun and what I've been doing is cooking at the house which is fucking great yeah I love it I had a protein shake this morning he said you made lobster tails the other day oh good Friday oh sure sorry about that a

little fucking pubic hair stuck in my fucking it's just I was just alright what he bothered me for with the details I had these two lobster tails on Friday I fucking put them in the oven with some butter on them I call Dolce me and though don't just like butter it up and get the fucking organic butter so I wouldn't got some organic butter and I fucking put garlic in there about moonkid up and that's it that was my fucking night me and the cat sat there and ate fucking lobsters nice I threw some meat at the cat they go crazy with the fucking lobster tails they go crazy with everything there they're fucking

they're a pain in the ass they really are now I understand my wife was saying they're fucking pain in the ass they're always hungry really are they acting out with her gun yeah Jimmy's a fucking nightmare I mean they woke me up two times last night playing and jumping and I go I wake up but I go to bed with one girl and I wake up with another freaking female cat I go to bed with Ali every night he's crying fucking busting my balls I gotta pick the blanket up she gets under the fucking blanket I got a hugger then she doesn't want to be close to me she moves away then she comes back it's a fucking never-ending battle for

truth justice and the American way and then I wake up with gray I wake up and fucking great Ali's gone like Ali was under the blanket hugging up on me I wake up and I got a black cat behind my knee she doesn't like laying next to me she lays in the cup of my knees oh I'll get behind you so you can't fucking move go to go what the hell and she's behind so once I get up a little bit like I wiggle out of my coma by the time I take my fat man sleep apnea mask off she's me out at the top of her lungs because I broke her stride like I broke she doesn't like the fan my legs are like a fourth my legs in my ass like a fourth

so all she ever does is pick up my head over the thing then she ducks and she just picks it up over the fucking thing so she's behind me and when I get up she starts me out because she wants Jesus Christly she wants to come into the bed and for me to hold you know yeah so it's a fucking panic attack and then she starts me out like where the fuck are you going pet me so before I pee I gotta actually give a love and I gotta walk to the bathroom pee wash my hands and start my fucking day you know do you let Jimmy do the shower thing with you since he always comes in he took it came in the fucking shower last night took a

shower before I went to bed the mother fucker was in there he likes to be clean he's a good cat like that he's a fucking great cat I ain't madam you know how many animals you love what I want to be I mean he fucking is serious if he could get in the shower you know you would he doesn't try that he tries you got a fuck out he tries because first he comes up through the sink yeah that means he wants you to wet him down but then you'll hear quiet you're like oh he left and you start taking a shower and all of a sudden you hear like the shower curtain in the back that means he wants to run through so he'll come let

a cup of water drops hit him and he'll shake up and run through the front and he'll come and jump on his mother's lap to show him look at me I took a shower he's that fucking smart as soon as he takes a shower he comes out to a human really dances in front of you he does like a little dance like he prances he's to show you that I took a shower dog I ain't one of these fucking dirty motherfuckers I got class I got style I'm a Siamese Jesus Christ a dance historical and that's how you have to look at it they roll every animals got his own trip whether it's a boy a dog a fucking cat dogs are great I used to have

a dog and asked my girl born the fucking like he go under really and then come up and fucking with fish and rocks and you know he's like flippie was a fish but that's what happened a pet that's why pets are important it's Monday cocksuckers it's Monday all right we've been giggling talking about pets like half a fax here but I ain't forgotten about you get up get up write your goals eat some oatmeal wash your ass you don't know who you're gonna bump into today you might bump into a freak she wants to lick your balls now you're walking around they taste like fucking clam juice you don't need to like with it get up you filthy

fucking animals where's some biggie smalls Lee you're sitting there running through the me Jesus crailer hey what the fuck it's Monday I got these people away hit it oh shit Lee this one you're waiting on what oh fuck Uncle Joey the church of what's happening now motherfuckers on it get to it on it dot com the fucking savior life get the three pack it's populism motherfuckers get 10% off for church in the top of things see age you are see a hit it oh shit Lee please you gotta smoke some of this for you for this is the one that killed Lincoln this is this is the food oh gee oh mother fuck oh shit how long do you think it is until

your own expense oh shit let's go two ways you're gonna smoke your own big booty joint oh I can't have an entire big it's Monday all I hear from you is no no no you don't like oatmeal you don't want to do this you don't want to lift weights you don't want to do nothing nothing it's all I'm ready to rock this morning you know what I have for breakfast what a protein shake cocksucker what the fucking Malukia juice and I mean kid use and everything you know what no pussy juice in a can you know you don't get pussy juice in the camp no where does that come from is that Russian it's Korean you get that route

you pour it on your face you put on your fucking cereal it's all over look at Lee people had a great time with we went to San Diego the other night oh yeah two and a half hours in the car with this fucking mutt tremendous I talked about everything nasty he almost puked 18 times I love that I wish I had a camera man he is as I think you're almost worse than I was at your age no I'm not prudish yes you know I won't do this fucking guy I don't want to do nothing with nobody no he was nothing he's disgusting he's a little half a fucking I even asked him I said tell me the truth that you get no I like normal

stuff I'm not gay he's he opens up he goes all right what you gotta do is you have her suck your dick you gotta have her suck ass while your load and then you stick her you punch on the stomach so she pukes up the jizz and then you gotta drink it down again so he she he wants me to have her puke and then drink the jays from the puke again so yeah I never said that this is the shit you want to do and how you put on me I want to do about a half an hour you want to punch on the stomach make a puke and then make a drink to come against me these are these Jewish fantasies what's in your fucking yamaka you gotta get

together I could never think about that in my mind you're a filthy filthy young fucking bunch of fucking Lee Jesus Christ yeah so that's I don't know I'm not like normal stuff that's fine when they what normal you want to eat ass you want to hear but I mean you had to hear these demands he had in the fucking car I have no demands I don't mean he's a rubber gloves on I mean no I know Jesus you gotta get to get I'm gonna talk I'm gonna call dick so yeah you're fucking slipping you know man you're fucking punching I almost passed I almost jumped out of the car when he said that do you have some uh some shout outs is that

what you're looking at no no no no just looking at today's date I had an original sandusky on there I don't know what that means sometimes you ever know that man an original sandusky and I can't I was looking at it without the glasses I'm like why did I write sandusky in my book let me tell you something one thing since my wife left I've been writing a lot more and in fact I was breaking down shit you know just breaking down like jokes and stuff I've been having a good time yeah I miss my wife and the baby but you know what she went home she went home to be with her fucking family

it's not about me it's about this fucking baby yeah breaking my balls even my wife was like I didn't want you here that's one thing about my wife she's dying of my people and if you don't do that I went to a party a day where a fucking hysterical the guy lives with a chick that's a veggie but they've been together and he still eats me but she believes he doesn't that little fucking thing right there he won't eat me in front of her no but he'll fucking go to my house or your house and he bacon and you don't help me to run home we have to wash his breath and stuff that little lie right there could end everything yeah

I've been thinking about that when he told me the story a week ago I was thinking about that even with my divorce my first divorce when I first was married to Kathy I wasn't a bad husband I was young I didn't know what I was doing yeah and I was scared and I can't lie to you I came from a society where well for myself in my head I didn't really know what a woman meant at that time I didn't know I had never really been in a full-out relationship okay and I came from a chauvinistic New Jersey type mentality and I didn't know that it was a share-share situation I didn't know about these things in the back of my

mind a wife was somebody you fucked and did laundry cooked yeah that's not what a wife is and when I was with her listen you can't tell your sibling everything excuse me everything shit's gonna happen she's gonna rise especially in my world but I'm a fucking criminal you know I'm a fucking criminal yeah so I would you know I just got out of prison she don't want to hear about my fucking me flipping a car and using somebody else's name and me so they're white lies but the one thing that saves me and Terry now is are there any lies between us not really am I a fucking angel not really but I'm not out

we know fucking our women or whatever the fucking call me I've been home the last I don't party I don't do shit I give her respect I clean the house you know we I give I kick in I fucking I do everything I can to make her life easier and she would have been worrying about you if you were there like she wants to yeah yeah that's what it is I know her so she'd be worrying about that and I'm always having a good time listen you're in Tennessee you with people in the mountains they fucking have an accent they listen to whatever music there I don't even know what national what Christianity they are they go to a church

they don't handle snakes and all that stuff it's in that vein you know they're my in-laws and I love them for who they are and I love I love my niece I was talking my niece yesterday on the phone she called me when he coming on Uncle Joey you know I love all that shit I'm gonna go home and play basketball with her and I'm gonna have a fucking great time you know but you don't need to be there for a week and a half right she's gonna be there for a week I know my wife could only listen nobody could go home alone in five days I told you last time yeah it don't work especially when you've been away from home yeah the

trips get shorter and shorter and shorter and now you start looking at things for what they are and not that you become better than this you see little things and you're like I don't want to go in there again yeah I don't want to go in there like after this whole situation I had with Jimmy Burkle this last two weeks I don't want to go home yeah you know why because my friends are slipping like the two the two people who I knew would call me back like this kid of Willow who's called the podcast he's got the band of the past masters Steven Villa has turned to be one of my best friends in life I mean this was

just a childhood football friendship he is such a decent kid yeah even a little kid I have called a podcast with band master him lubes I have some and people don't understand that about me that that and I take this very seriously the friends I had from 18 to 21 and 21 to 25 whatever I still talk to Jimmy V Jimmy lubes are to me saints like that like I have to leave money when they die I check with them every day and they raise the bar on friendship for me so high that nothing else fills the boy I have friends now yeah whatever no no no I'm telling my people that will live and die for your

Joey fallado what he's called the podcast yeah all those crazy book making stories his cousin the one that used to take me to New York and take me to go do comedy who was a bodybuilder steroid through people out windows and all that shit those people raised the bar for me on friendship so hard that I can't understand this shit now that I live with yeah like what I live with now is just basically and I love you to death you know we hang we hang you got my back I know that I'm just saying that it's so weird to have that that ruined me like yeah God took my family and that's bad and all that but he gave me the gift of

friendship which most people will never see like those people that were in that fucking comic book to me and those people know this we got a fucking moron at the door with the suit and the fucking beat up it's a comic book store you got a polyester suit on after you know I didn't want that as a friend I didn't need that as a friend if you could talk I got no tattoos no earrings no nothing you get what the fuck you see that's it I don't need to do fucking nothing I don't need to wear a shirt with more russi on it or whatever there's a nice little white t-shirt I'm back bitches I love these fucking things I went to a big

and fat man store and I bought three fucking boxes of these things and I forgot all about them I had them on every day I got v-neck straight ones I love it I got nine of these and nine of the other ones I got 18 of these motherfuckers that's it I'm 50 years old I don't have to wear no fucking eyes-eyed shirt to impress nobody or a lizard or fuck the fuck you or some MMA I'm 50 and last you know I'm saying you see these 50-year-olds and an MMA shirt on give me a fucking break all right tap out tap what tap what knock it off you fucking fake motherfuckers anyway we'll be talking about friendship and I was actually

talking to my buddy the other night and some people say like they have forget how it came up but I have probably four friends four or five friends and it's like I trust them more and they're actually like real friends like sometimes you go to a party and there's like 20 people that are like oh I wish that could be cool to have like 20 people I want to have over but when you think about it I don't have 20 people and I don't really want 20 people over my house I want the two or three that I actually like so it's it's interesting that you brought that up no it's it's it kills me that but I'm also very happy that I

got to see that like Jimmy Loops a kid that stutters yeah we haven't heard it for a while I talked to him fucking three times a week I talked to him yesterday cause me just tell me what his mother cooked die die today oh she made a nice turkey with giblets I mean he broke down his mother made like 22 fucking things yesterday and Jimmy another one of those guys had designed that I tell you man my world's gonna be a lot lighter when I lost Marilyn Martinez out of a couple years ago you know Marilyn Martinez was a mediocre comic who got put on different tours with Scott Montoya and Latino guys you know Perez and all that

and she was dirty she weighed like 500 fucking pounds and she had a black husband and she had like nine cats and she lived in Los Feliz but if it wasn't I'd still be doing blow so I don't care who it is you can always take a lot with the fuck was that my bonus at the tail get it together I got a big lesson from her and I gotta tell you something that somebody that if you were told me ten years ago Marilyn died you're gonna miss her I would say get it together Lee I'm gonna miss no fucking chick that wasn't fucking I miss Marilyn Martinez because I see all the things she told me ten years ago about the store about

comedy how she was correct she looked at things just the way I did she could pick it off this guy's a fucking work job get rid of him you know she could pick shit off and she was you know that that anyway it's important to have those kind of people in your life yeah because listen man Cat Williams is a great comic and a great person I knew cat fucking 12 years ago when they still call himself cat in the fucking hat and I gotta tell you man I used to laugh when I used to see him out and he used to have this room in the Valley and studio say like a black jazz or really that and I used to laugh my ass off but you know

what when I watch cat Williams now I don't need for somebody to tell me what's going on with cat Williams you know why cuz I know it a I could easily been there and be it's who you surround yourself with and this is not only the comedy game I'm sorry this isn't life yeah life folks if you surround yourself with fucking shit you're gonna have shit around you and I'm not saying but I'm just the truth no let's be fucking honest to you if you surround yourself with shit I click on the podcast with a thousand people I like this kid this kid tells me exactly how the fuck it is he told me something the other day in

the car about comics being preachy and I told him you see me being preachy on stage you calling me the fuck out at the podcast is what we do it's a fucking church we got to preach a little bit to you but you know at least my buddy Lee has said things to me that I've gone home and a lot of fucking 24-year-old kitty shark that's why I like him around me you know he's like a young rock or a beast and if you have shit around your people sit down make notes you know if they're failing you if these people if you tell these people you're trying to go on a diet and they tell you fuck no it'll never work if you tell people you

want to go to school and they tell you fucking you know the work if you hang out with people and they bring heat into your life get rid of them yeah that fucking cut them off you you know my house is my sanctuary man I can't I had no house for 20 fucking years for 20 years I lived on people's couches and I giggled and you know I couldn't go to sleep so your wife went to bed and you know if somebody else was there to stay up you know how hard that is to do that that's awful and then sleep with a sleep apnea mask on with people I didn't have sleep apnea mask out there but I know it's like to sleep on somebody's couch

with a sleep apnea mask on and wake up and their kids appoint that you know it's fucking rough yeah so I know what it was to get some place to live that was my own that was fucking homeless for fucking years I lived in a car then my apartment got towed I mean Ralph you fucking tell you these people tell you I lived on people's couches I'm a fucking comic bro but my house is my fucking temple I don't bring drama into my house you got somebody who shows up at your house at three in the morning with some fucking stripper and three of her fucking friends do blow that's not your fucking friend yeah he just he just you

know you you just open your house the fucking point I'm not saying strippers will rob you I'm just saying they got friends you know one night or the thing and some guys like yeah I got a robber house I know there's little fat fucking dude this Cuban dude who roommates and they got podcasting equipment and you gotta take care of your shit and your friends everything around you today I have a special guest is calling that you motherfuckers don't know but you don't need to fucking know him because he's put so much love and wisdom if he wasn't here in LA yeah this guy I wouldn't be doing what I was doing really you don't

think so when George Perez came out of prison I wasn't doing this shit yeah I was at home considering selling cars doing open mics around town and I was gonna make a living from selling cars I was I had done the podcast once or twice with Joe mm-hmm and then I decided to go for it because when he came out of prison he devised 20 fucking comedy rooms he put all these comedy rooms together so I went from fucking every night I would go out to a different room because of him and his kid named Martin Rizzo little Martin Rizzo my little buddy that's a little Mexican kid you know I call he would call me every night

uncle Joey were you gonna go from it I wouldn't go anywhere I know where and he would say Joey there's a room meet us in Glendale come out they'll let you do seven minutes I'm like that I don't want to say he goes come on and I started hanging out with those young little fucking comics to him and Johnny Rock you know Johnny I opened up for us in the city this you and me nothing that's you buddy so it was really weird that I bumped it you didn't know about that that I would have been fucking dead with it without those guys no I mean he he opens for you most of the time down in Orange County so I've seen I've met him

he's a great guy but I didn't know that I didn't know that you went out with him for a while and it's funny this George Perez character I don't know what the fuck he is maybe fell back to sleep it's funny that I was telling Brett Christchurch once said a quote about me that I told Bert that you don't need to go to therapy you really you really don't need to go to therapy all you need is to have good friends yeah you can meet with twice a week and fucking do coffee with though and talk and just say listen this is what's going on in my life blah blah blah blah blah blah you know and they'll tell you the truth

that's it you don't need no fucking therapy your friends are the fucking people I'll tell you what direction you're going or what and if they can't then they're not really your friends yeah I think and well while we wait for the call you were talking about how leaving home and then your real friends if I think the people not it's not always the case but sometimes when you go home you see the people that stayed in the hometown are the people that that have problems and the people who leave it seems like they have more perspective and they they're they they're more your friends what do you mean in what sense

it's like sometimes when I go home I'm like Jesus these people are still here working the same job and I know the work thing is bad but I feel like the people who leave and go make their own way are the more of the friends who aren't gonna bring drama or the friends who are are gonna be there for you it seems like I don't know well you know in my case I was fucking crazy I was bringing a lot of heat of my friends before I left in 83 I was bringing heat on them all the time they always had to answer people where's Coco I think he robbed my house you know there was always heat and these guys took my fucking back I

never forgot that and you know when I did the premiere the longest shot I brought six of them to the premiere I got eight tickets I brought seven of them all the ones I made fucking suffer all those nights I called it for in the morning I brought them all just to show my world part time the world we spoke about that we thought would never be possible here it was right in front of them they were losing their minds you know Adam Sandler came to the table these guys like what the fuck is this shit yeah you know but my friends are fucking special to me because I knew that that's all I have everything I do today is to

make them proud those guys lubes and those guys that fed me I always want to really want to make them fucking proud of me yeah and I have a great relationship with you I really do you're you're a shark you know you made a little money we get make a little scratch from time to time we get fucking lucky you know the testicle test was just been good for us and and we have a working relationship that's honest you know ten years we're gonna look at this from now we're both gonna learn from this you know and this is how you get better and I get better but it really does I get a lot of fucking notes here

let me just give a few shout outs real quick Bill Bisonich Bdenich Austin James I love you thank you brother Brian you're a student Pennsylvania I'm watching you Jason Piper Danny Nagel Jonathan Marillo Chubby Lou and Pearson's dad I don't know your fucking name isn't my main man Luke in Austin fucking Texas Luke's a fucking soldier he hit me up he's 15 and he wants to one come to one of the shows daddy one of my tickets and I'm like listen you fuck you live in Austin I don't know what the fucking drinking age is in Austin people always hit me up I'm like I'm 19 they won't let

me on Joey what can you do are you fucking crazy I woke up this morning to Twitter to 15 year olds like Joey we can't go to your show what were your charges to do a show in our backyard or something like that well and when we went I can't we haven't talked about it we had a lot of podcast on when after the podcast on Wednesday and I know personally for me thank you guys it was a I've never been on stage or done anything like that before and it was it was amazing being with Joey and and everybody that was just it was amazing no that was we did not talk about the live fucking podcast and thank I wrote

it down that's right that's not what Sandusky Junior was that was something fucking else right now brother 635 that was amazing yeah Vinnie Curdo you know I goof on Vinnie a lot he's a boxer and he's been punching the fucking head and we fuck around with him a lot but let me tell you something that night he was brilliant he talked for like over an hour just to himself was brilliant when you put the podcast today it's gonna be up today I have to there's a free podcast we could care less we don't want to make no money we don't want to charge it down 99 it ain't

gonna change a lot we're gonna be doing these yeah because we learned a fucking huge is he calling it we learned a fucking huge lesson Lee was amazing leaving get nervous I seen his hands tapping but to do a live podcast with 90 people the energy was mind-boggling I had to drive my wife the next day and I couldn't fucking drive it was great we'll talk about that first what's up baby hello what's up baby what's going on what's going on like with Joey you know me Doug on the line is my fucking brother George Perez happy birthday by the way belated thank you thank you how old were you on Saturday 36 and you

look fucking 24 God bless you George you know I met George when he was 26 right George 26 25 yeah 25 you know and we did a show called the local slam right George what was it called it was the local comedy jam local comedy jam which they still play I'm fucking showtime and it's funny when I got the call to do it I was deep deep deep in my cocaine world and I didn't even give a fuck about that set I thought that Montoya would never sell it to show time I thought it was a fucking lie and whenever I see that now I cringe because it was my it was my chance to shine and I went out there and just was a filthy fucking dude the

clothes I was wearing my face what I look like it was just whenever I see it on YouTube or something I just fucking cringe you know it kills me because I got locked up I never got to see it remember I got locked up I got to watch it when I came home it was it was one of those things George that when we were shooting it I remember that they had an after-party and they gave me a hotel key and all I wanted to do was get home cast a check and get a grandma blow we shot it in San Bernardino remember the night after Thanksgiving yeah right the night after Thanksgiving either 2005 or 2006 now you were gone when Marilyn

Martinez was died correct yes yes I was incarcerated when she passed away you know George I don't I never thought I told you that when I went to see it when she first got diagnosed with the cancer she went home and she had a part of it the house and Montoya was there with a camera taping her and then by this time she had lost all the way George she had lost 150 pounds they took out her stomach they had taken out a bunch of things and she's laying on this fucking bed the hospital bed in the living room of her house they cleared out the living room and she's sitting there George and I walk in and she's Joey and we start

giggling and laughing I had gone to the hospital Kaiser to see her I don't even think I told you about this George and I sat next to her and everybody dispersed you know a little by little people were eating because it was catered like there was food there and I was talking to him I go how are you feeling now she goes you know not bad joy she goes you know when I beat this cancer she goes if I go back on stage she goes I'm not gonna be dirty she goes no way bro she's like listen when I was in the hospital I had a vision and God talked to me and he said that if I go back on stage in one condition I can't be dirty because while

you're on this planet you have to answer to God for everything else you know and she started looking at me and like dazing you know and then these days she looked at me she goes and she goes and God looked at looked at me she looked at me right there when she said God she goes he wants you to stop doing cocaine Wow and I just fucking froze like I just but she looked at me like with bigger cancer eyes cancer eyes she was very scared of what she was saying like she was scared like she knew she was gonna fucking die they scared and she said that to me bro and it had to be I think maybe a week later I stopped doing blow

just from those words between her and what happened with the cat and shit so Wow I was just telling Lee that how you and I were such good friends that we talked once a week and we're like each other's therapist you have saved a lot of comics and getting their ass kicked by me all I know because me and you from the old school we want to hit somebody with a fucking plywood but you can't fucking clobber everybody and that's what you know we keep each other same because we're from the same cut we know that any minute I'll take a fucking window and break it over your fucking head by mistake but you can't be a

savage all your life they can't that doesn't work for everybody all your life so you know you you got out how long George I've been out for three and a half years and I've been telling these guys that in 2009-10 I had nothing going on I was about to get a job at Friendly fucking Ford and I like the shimmy number at North Hollywood I was writing a one-man show and I was gonna stay home I was not gonna go on the road with Rogan I was not gonna go on the road with anybody I was gonna go out and auditioned and that's it I was gonna end this fucking thing and George came out and started calling me you started

putting together within two weeks you had like ten fucking gigs you know how we do it and it was you know crazy George because when I got out I was I was battling myself on who I was as a person and just you know I was like Danny Green Cleveland hey no one gonna stop me I'm taking the union and everything I wasn't fucking around and I feel it I feel it no you've made a splash you got two great rooms you got the Tuesday night room which was on a bar whatever rescue bar rescue all right and then you base and orange and then you have Wednesday night which is a fucking great little bar that's a sandwich shop you've

been there with me we're gonna go next week we're gonna go is it next week I'm doing it next Wednesday the ninth no it's the 17th because on a tent we're having that autism show okay so I can't do the 17th cuz I'm going to Miami that night whatever doing the 24th should what's on tomorrow night tomorrow night we got second base and orange if you want to come down that's it no but what's this Wednesday it's Wednesday the ball you know what you're right you are there tonight that's what I'm saying we're the fucking deal with some fucking novice and Lisa that's gonna come down me the flying Jew we're gonna get a

sandwich ooh the flying Jews at the building oh yeah George how was the Easter it was good I actually I Jewish guy went out to Easter with some friends it was good how was yours it was good what you guys look for all a hammer or what you guys look for oh oh for overpass over the offing home and no I didn't my family I don't have any family out here so I didn't do any of that oh I like some Jew material here no George it's funny when you got out you really fucking inspired the fuck out of me and you're doing great things I know you had a sellout Saturday night at the Irvine improv for your birthday thank you

thank you Joey and we're just talking about friendship and how the bad people around you can ruin your fucking whole day by one you know they bring negativity on you you know we have a lot of people in the comedy community that everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die okay everybody wants to be a star but nobody wants to do the work and they want to piggyback on your shit they come to you in weird ways and then after a month they can't cover the spread and you got to feel fucking bad because you got to tell a motherfucker to go fuck themselves you know you're a very hard worker I mean we

you and I there's a like 10 comics that we have to work for everything we got everything we got there's nothing that you have I got to get a hammer and a fucking claw and because my agents is okay everybody around me is okay but nobody's exceptional and that's my fault for my attitude but at the same time you know my work ethic is like George's we don't fucking stop we don't fucking we don't fucking stop there's no I have no vacations I don't go ski and I don't want to this is the life I fucking chose and these are you up to attack you have to take your life for fucking two hands I love these people that call you

up especially comics and they'll ask you you know they have nothing going on and you'll say well what are you doing tonight and they'll tell you how their girlfriend's parents are in town I shun that shit that's got nothing to do with you you got to go do comedy and hang out with your girlfriend's parents and if you can't do that then maybe you shouldn't see this fucking woman you live in LA because you have a dream your dream trops fucking trumps everything in my life your dream trumps fucking everything or if it doesn't it's not your fucking dream it's not your fucking dream it's not your fucking dream and we

bumping how many comics have you seen come and go how many of these motherfuckers come and go because they don't have an identity check they don't know who the fuck they are or what the fuck they are they don't want to break out a notebook and say this is what I want to do and this is the path that's gonna get me there and then they come here and they think that because they go have a drink and they go to acting class that that's what's gonna do it I've never fucking I don't network I network on stage and you too we don't network we go out and drink margaritas oh my god you know fuck you there's no networking networking

you get on fucking stage and you write fucking funny jokes and you tell them that's how you network if you don't have to be there you don't have to fucking be there and that's one guy to understand this guy we talk once a week George and George has been out three years he's done movies TV shows he just flew him to Chicago to fucking do a movie because he don't give a fuck he don't give a role on parole are you fucking kidding me no for scary shit yeah I want to tell them to like seven states on parole it was scary it was scary they clutched on the border just to be a citizen the

scary bro I'm bail fresh out of jail California dreaming when I step on the stage I'm hearing who she's screaming what are you fucking crazy or what you're like the Mexican fucking to pop fucking motherfuckers now I know you have an autism you have an autism benefit tomorrow night my friend now we have a benefit April 3rd which is Wednesday night yes Wednesday night okay and you got a good lineup and you got yourself though but let's talk about you and me buddy I'm the other day I was thinking about our conversations on Monday how if I don't talk to you on Monday my week ain't right me too but if you ain't

called me I say I've done something and we talk about the week and what rooms we're doing and what plans we have and we talk about the scumbags that are around us and how we just got to stay the fuck away from them and then we give each other love and we give each other real love you know and it's I'm very happy that I have you here George I know that if something ever goes down you will call me and I have no you know a lot of friends I'll call and now and they'll send me well I have to tape a show on Tuesday you're the type of motherfucker they'll say what weapon do you want me to bring a bazooka a machine

gonna 50 fucking Mexicans let me know call me right back so my life my life is a lot better that you're here you know I feel thank you so was mine you know there's no guidance out there especially coming from another latin comic that has dealt with every race every generation of scumbags in the game you have dealt with and we love you Joey oh I love you guys I love you guys I always talk I'd say that you saved my life and another motherfuckers that skinny little Martin Rizzo that fucking human disposal kid weighs 80 pounds and he's 80 tacos a fucking day but you know what man he called me every night and he

would say uncle Joey where you gonna go tonight I'd say I don't know I don't have nowhere to go and he'd go come to this room don't let you do eight minutes and I would look at him and go fucking eight minutes but I'd say you know what it's better than sitting on this fucking couch so these little young guys these little young fucking Latinos got me out of the fucking house to do my shit so that just goes to show you you never know what angels gonna fucking show up in your life you don't know whether it's gonna be a Mexican or an Arab with a turban on you follow me yeah what else George what else is going on little

brother that's a much man you know just working on my working on my special as well trying to hook up with the right people I took all your advice and I'm just you know putting the pieces together and now the puzzle starting to get a picture you know what it's funny because in this country when you check out a prison they want you to do disability papers to see if you want to go on disability and get a check on $600 and when you apply for a job the first thing on there is that you're a felon and you have to live with this thing on your on your forehead or you don't or you don't and George and I have never

lived under the umbrella of nothing that's something that happened I paid my fucking duty society and it's over motherfucker if you want to judge me by it judge me by it you dumb motherfucker but I also judge you by that shirt you're wearing with a little pocket flap for your fucking pen you geek fuck so before you judge me you Christian motherfucker you follow me you know that that's the truth yeah that's the way I looked at it I did my time as soon as I fucking went home and took a shower and got the prison off me it was over with now I became another fucking I'm gonna become I either had two choices I could either do my

path and go back to a fucking prison tell him George or we could do this or just follow the program and be a real man work up so go out there do your shit like how we do it you know wake up in the morning drink smoke after fucking cigarette and forget the joke of smoke another half the right down you know I never have beef with nobody the other day I went to the doctor to check my glasses out my eyeballs my reading glasses and shit and I got out of the car and I put change in the meetings I turned around I turned around to two fucking 20 year old kids with a blonde two of them had knapsacks on and the

blonde was hot cute with little titties and she was a little dirty no those dirty street kids and I turned around and all three of them looking me they go sir do you have some chains to spare and I said no I looked at them I walked three steps my turn around I go hey go on the fucking mug somebody or have that chick some suck somebody's dick but for you three fucking much to be looking at me the chick was cute I would have gave it 10 15 bucks to suck my dick at lunchtime right in front of the fucking sunset grill fuck Don Henley and the Eagles fuck that bitch these two little dumb motherfuckers asking me for change

they got a perfect little blonde there they could fucking hook to suck dick on sunset and these I turned around I go hey man what the fuck and they looked at me like what did you just say I go you heard what the fuck I just said pimp that bitch or fucking go out and mug somebody but you two young motherfuckers are too stupid to be working can I change fuck you at that age are you fucking kidding me at 22 dog I would I wouldn't even ask you for fucking change I would ask you for a hundred on the street and look at your serious you knew you had a fucking give it to me

are you fuck go get a grandma blow and chop it up 10 ways and cut it with aspirin and go sell it like a fucking man go get a gun and mug a fucking 7-11 like a man but you're gonna be out here with a hot little blonde what you like get some change you fucking dirty little fucking mutt tonight I stopped over here to get rolling papers at 515 there's always some dude with a beard no fucking wheelchair I feel like kicking him out of the fucking wheelchair right in the fucking stomach and saying get up your fuck you healed get up and get a job they sit there give me change you have any fucking change you know what I

got an ATM card even if I had to get up your fucking cock sucker I've been locked up and I came out here and took the world by the balls George Perez gets up every fucking morning he's Mexican he says it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive and you're out here with a beard hustling change in a fucking wheelchair I'll karate chop you in the fucking neck I'm pissed off and you know that they don't need the wheelchair you know they borrowed it from their ancestors at home sleeping and they go to say they park around the corner go to 7-11 they sit in a fucking wheelchair motherfuckers I got

a lot of respect for you George yeah they're lazy bro they're lazy they don't know what's up I would have took that chicken painted just like I would have put on a hustle flow and show to how the game's gonna go if I would never ask for change in front of a woman period I would never let a woman see that side of me as a man I would never I would rather take a home and fucker in that dirty pussy with no condom and not and be hungry than fucking beg for change in front of a fucking woman guy that's me that's a school of thought I fucking came from so you know I'm the same way hey man that's the reason there's a

backseat in your car you know what I mean fuck yeah suck that helmet look at it you two young guys anything bro and I'm not saying to go out and steal you go out in front of a warehouse and you go listen man I need help for today I have nothing to eat I guarantee somebody'll put you to work for two hours and give you ten bucks to get a sandwich but they know you anything beats walking around sunset hey man change the fuck is wrong with you you fucking dirty motherfucking people would like money asking for money like come on now you're wearing better shoes than me get the fuck out of you they're trust fun

kids and they regret it like they're not that they regret it they make believe they're not trust fun kids you know daddy owns a company that's that's unfair to the community fuck you be having a good time jumping up and down gonna raves eat next to see you take daddy's money right right everybody take daddy's money go jump up and down and be cool and wiggle and you're like when daddy buys you that three convertible but my daddy uses water that Billy Goats drink I don't give a fuck all right there's a fuck about the Billy Goats you know it's harming the society yeah but you're like living with those 20s

getting your bull smoke fuck moron so they walk around trust me I live in Boulder half those kids are trust fun kids I gotta check the ten eight grand a month they driving outie but they dress dirty they don't take showers you know I'm gonna budget what budget you're eating fucking Domino's pizza your dad sends you eight grand a month but you're eating Domino's pizza you dumb fucking dummy and what do you do you sit here with those dirty feet those fucking flip-flops on bad mouth in your country you miserable pieces shit go out there and get a felony or become a victim

real talk real no dog it's Monday morning Monday morning's I wake up five to fuck up and I thought about who I could put on the show on Monday morning and and it's you it's you because you know what George you could have tapped the fuck out I could have tapped the fuck out we could have came out and got a gun and been living like sons of anarchy that's the easy thing yeah I could do that every day I really know I got that that's like doing Joey Karate's for me getting a gun and tricking somebody I could trick anybody out of fucking money I could trick anybody out of fucking money that's my middle name I'll

put you together I'll make you dizzy I'll make it I'll have you giving me ten thousand but I only want to I'm one of those motherfuckers I'll put you together so much that I just need ten two thousand I'll give you ten no no give me two no no I want to invest I think give me 20 now I really got my hooks in you you dummy you know I bump into so many people that 20 years ago I look at today no no no no sitley 20 years ago I look at today and I go ten years ago I would have been pimping your fucking soul out by now 20 years ago I'd be I'd be fucking drowning that fucking bank account of yours with stories snorting

coke taking women out to dinner with your fucking cash every night that's how lucky you are I don't get my hands on you you fucking Momo how was your Easter George how was your family what's going on it was good you know I got all my kids I got three babies mom so it was a little hassle three babies mom's you're the last of the real Mohicans brother yeah time parents would give me some Easter baskets so it was cool man got to show my mom my mom just be cancer I'm happy as hell and you know living like a soldier Joey I love it I love it Joe I love when I talk to you on Mondays it's uh you know you're gonna be a good week

it's gonna be a good week yeah you talked to all these people a kind of negative and they call you you've never called me bitching about nothing you always call me when I got a new room I got this I got a movie Joey what do I do a college just call me and they want me to go yeah you remember I don't know what to do something like yeah what I do it's it's great having a friend like you George because it's always good it's all good man and I like talking you out of a fucking shotgun blast too I love when you want to bitch slap somebody cuz I get like that in a daily I need guys like around like I explain my situation to

do this mother fucker with their stupid rooms and they want to hand you 40 bucks and they were it's so weird that sometimes the comedians are criminals that don't know like they're so I know and you have to straighten them out and they get pissed at you after you straighten them out like they'll never call you again because you had to say something to them they're criminals that don't know the law like there's an honor amongst thieves yeah you know what makes your life easy yeah and they're gonna get there though we've seen it in all these comics that had all kinds of rooms over keeping money where they at

now so true where's Mike Robles now fuck Mike Robles he didn't put me on that shit remember that shit down that guy never said I'm gonna take my room come on Danny green on his ass Danny green on his ass that Robles kid never said a funny fucking thing in his life and he put these Telemundo people together give him a show yeah and they launched Gabriel's career they launched a lot of little careers on there and he hated me he one night he gave me a spot of Carolines and I invited my family he put me up at 12 30 at night following a salsa band and I know all bright death and I never forgave him like I don't

even want to like him he knows he can't even come in a room if I'm in a room like that's how he has he knows he can't even come in a room because he was always a fake comic and he made a bunch of money off comics then he kept milk in the Latin thing but he was so terrible he couldn't cover the spread for two or three years he lived off of just Puerto Rican associations flying them in I'm not kidding you far he's Puerto Rican so a lot of Puerto Rican colleges like people Puerto Ricans are the Jews the Mexicans yeah they would they would fucking bring them in to do things that he couldn't cover the spread like I've

bumped into a college student one time that was I thought he was the worst comedian ever he did our student association thing like some Latin thing he was horrible then he went to Houston and he started pimping the thing out there giving away free tickets and he just killed it I mean he like he beat that dog to man they come from Houston and they always go right back yep but the funny thing was man that he he didn't work on what he had to work on he was a promoter he knew how to bullshit people into seats and you had a bullshit the networks but he didn't work on the most important part of this which is you

gotta work on your comedy you gotta work on your craft and you thought these comedians are gonna carry him in and remember him nobody remembers nothing dog you gotta work on your car because I remember being at the sunset room on a Monday me and you and you kept telling me you need to get up and right you don't have to stay there and write write a joke if you don't like it walk away smoke a joint eat a cookie touch the cat and they come back over at the job and write the job man yes that's it this is writing every fucking day you know what man I can never do the same set twice when I see a comic in September he does

the same set in December what has this guy done what has he lived because you should get a joke from material every fucking day when you're driving their life every time this morning I took a shit it was the biggest shit I ever seen in my life big you know in the morning or I eat an apple at night sometimes this morning I didn't wait for the alarm George I went right to the shitter you know when you just go right from the bed right there it's right there and it just it was like soft serve it was like a 44 pitch shit I looked at it in my mind I'm like when you see a piece of shit like that big you think

to yourself if I had to take it in the ass it wouldn't be that bad because look at that Pete you know I'm saying like we're always thinking in a myth you're always looking at things from an observant as a comic you're not looking at the death of it like my buddy died last night I thought of a joke when he died my best friend ever one of my best friends ever but I know Jimmy Berkley his white dude I grew up with in New Jersey I took me out of Jersey brought me to Colorado was telling me if this guy wouldn't have taken me out of Jersey in 83 I wouldn't have made it like he took me out April 25th of 1983 which

were coming on the 30th anniversary this month if he wouldn't have taken me out of Jersey I wouldn't have finished 83 I know that for a fact I would have never finished 83 I deterred the situation by me leaving the people didn't think about it I wasn't in their face anymore out of sight out of mind and then one day they said fuck me small potatoes what he robbers for 10,000 who cares you follow them but I had like eight guys like that they were looking for me so out of eight people somebody four of them were stupid which meant they were gonna do something stupid and they would have had to kill me because if they didn't kill

me then me and my friends are gonna go back at them and somebody was gonna end up there so he took me out of there if you look at the situation he saved my fucking life that year so anything I do I dedicate to him you know so George it's I love you man I wanted to have a show I got some brothers like that too you know they told me when I got a jail a man fuck the gang gang fuck hanging out with us you got a crew you're representing felons now let the world know that we can work let these fuckers know that we can do it and I feel blessed every time I have people from prison go to my shows now they were there Saturday and I was

just like wow and they told me hey man you're the only inmate I ever met that did what he said he was gonna do a prison we were laughing at you yeah you're gonna go on tell jokes whatever look at me now and I tell these people it doesn't matter you could have your fucking addictions you could have everything so what bro you made a fucking mistake correct it get on your fucking horse tell these motherfuckers to suck your dick you know George after I got out of prison and I would fill out job applications I would never mark the box for felon no they don't even look they now they do in corporate America holy fuck

these Christians look for everything now they even check your Cub Scout records these motherfuckers now they're gonna give you eight dollars an hour forget it they're gonna have to check it's amazing now but I'm talking about for years I didn't fucking mark it I didn't say nothing because nothing happened you know when you're a kid and you throw apples against the wall your mommy the smacks the shit out of you and puts you in a timeout she don't mention it after that does she no she don't say what white a fellow in 1968 you took your apples and smid him on the couch does she you made a mistake I didn't fucking know that your

ass looks like you moved on so when you get a felony and you get corrected and you do your time and you succeed because everybody knows that parole is harder than the fucking time sometimes probation is harder than doing time you do know that yeah hey joy hey listen this is how violate parole George comes over to my house to eat lunch meaning George go get a sandwich when he gets back we get pulled over I got a gun in my car George is going away even if it's my gun exactly and he's gonna finish this fucking term and you know how easy that is to happen George tell him how many times it happens happens over time

you know it happens all the time happens all the time that's how bad your luck gets what about this guy last week in Boston that killed somebody in Maine well either or and he went to city next and he lived there for 30 fucking years how'd he get caught I don't know I don't know I know his his wife's credit card got stolen and he was living under a false last name I was gonna ask you about that there you go when you're on the fucking you know when the worst time for something to happen is the best time for something happened when you've already done something with that warrant jumping and shit like that you go to a

hospital they run you right George you know that's the first thing they do while you're getting stitched up they're running you in the computer by the time you get out of there there's a there's a fucking handcuff on you there's not many things you could do that don't run your name you just don't know that you just don't fucking know that when you sign up for Sprint or whatever they run your fucking name and in those days see in the 70s and 80s if I pulled George Perez over and George had a warrant let's say a moon knocking in Jersey and I pulled him over in Union City at two in the morning I had a call moon on key and

have the man to the phone blah blah blah whatever whatever hit him on the data like a halfway pseudo computer for NC I see whatever but now if I pulled George over and he's got a warrant as soon as I pull him over and say George Perez that notifying police station that notifying state gets a fucking alert that they pulled George over and whatever so even if the cop don't want to arrest you he's got to arrest you do you follow the same thing yeah it's fucking crazy man but the whole moral of this story is that listen shit's gonna happen in your life you don't have to carry it like a fucking cross on your back get up take the

fucking cross off and get out there you want to mention it you mentioned it you don't want to mention it you got to fuck them second chance at life but don't blame that for you not wanting to go out there and do what the fuck you're supposed to do that's the moral of this story on a Monday fucking morning George Perez where can they see you the next couple weeks the next couple of weeks this Thursday I'm headlining the Ontario improv at 8 o'clock April 13th I'm headlining the brand improv at 11 o'clock and I will be everywhere anywhere trying to get up I love you got a web page to go to a Twitter where

they can find your bra my Twitter's at George P comedy Facebook George Perez you can just call me give my number from my numbers in every plant parenthood restroom call me sling dick motherfucker George Perez as usual I love you thank you for motoring me man a Monday morning brother I love you brother tell the fly Jewish and what's up he's right here by George everyone goes to George he's fucking hilarious we're gonna go next Wednesday we'll see you out at what's the name of it Roscoe Roscoe's next Wednesday night in orange I love you best fucking sandwiches also Fox Theater this Wednesday I'm doing a show for

autism man it's a big thing big thing it's a new disease that we need to tackle going down they give you a can of tuna with every fucking ticket you can eat tuna and make your autism lift to a different fucking level right or wrong we'll talk buddy we'll talk I love you okay thank you bye bye buddy he's a good fucking dude oh yeah I love him I see him every time I go with you down to the orange I was a good dude man and like I said he keeps me together he always does I talk to him and everything's fuck what music you got for me Lee something there we go that's what's up and go ahead hit me with a little led Zeppelin

something Lee oh it's Monday drink that coffee each old meal do some push-ups cut this his I had a fucking nose had the other day like I had to put fucking Joe on it to calm it down hit it Lee this or these bottom fucking roll ready right oh shit So, yeah, just to finish really quick, Wednesday at the Ice House was great, it was awesome. We did audio recorded it, that'll be up to there tomorrow, because I think I might put today's up tonight.

I don't know man, anyways, so yeah, thank you guys for coming, it was awesome. It was really awesome, and we're gonna do one again in April or something, the last Wednesday in April. Oh, sweet. So get your tickets now, so you don't miss it, 626-577-1894. I've spoken to Salo Botts, I've spoken to a couple Felipe Spars, I've spoken to a couple people about coming up and doing it, and it's a good format, I'll do a few minutes, I'll bring you up, you do a few minutes, we talk, we bring up the guests, and then we close

it up, it's a fucking great show. We might have a stripper to check my fart and Lee's face next time. Something's gotta go down Lee, okay, something. So you pick your poison, but it's either you gotta pick it or you gotta piss in your eyeball, piss something, I'm a little cat pissing your eyeball, you ever have a chick pissing your eyeball? It's like vizine, it makes it redder. Anyway, listen, this week you got another chance of starting it out and working your

shit out this week, you got another chance, it all starts with a little walk to the post office, hitting it like Mike Dolce said, walking home, and you take it from there, the water, before you start, go to a doctor, get your blood pressure checked, draw some blood, see what the fuck is really going on, if you're healthy enough to even go out there and do jumping jacks, and after that go to honet.com and start with that, last night by the way I took a new mood, you're looking at me, I'm all fired up today, I've been taking new moods the last couple nights, because like I said, anybody who takes new moods every day after a while, your body becomes, whatever to it, becomes accosting, so the

effects, so I space everything out, I take a little fucking fish caps, I take them every day, I take my joints and my blood pressure keeps it low, go to honet.com, get, listen, they got a couple things on there, a couple things that you might not agree with, whatever, I understand, but that fucking strong bone, I can't, I can not talk more about it, I can not talk more about it, the new mood is fucking tremendous, and the shroom tech, you know what, except for the fucking ear infection I had this year, and that was from flying with the water from the pool in my ear, I would have been fine, and that's cause we didn't fucking, listen, I didn't smoke a lot out of the circle, I drank a lot of water,

but I didn't have flusia, we didn't really get fucking flusia, you took the shroom tech, I took the fucking shroom tech, listen people, go there, even if it's the shroom tech just for your immune system, start with that, I know it's a little, it might be two dollars more than what you usually buy, but you're hanging out with Uncle Joe and we're taking this together, you got a prom, you got diarrhea, you hit me up, Joey what the fuck, and I'll tell you they get some ammonium, Lee hasn't shit in like four fucking days, he's right there, Lee one time when I was in high school, I'll never forget this, I was like a sophomore in high school, it was before my mother died, I was a freshman, fine too, and something

happened, I didn't take a shit for like a week, I didn't tell nobody, in those days I wouldn't tell nothing about medical conditions, that's how fucking crazy I was, I hated doctors that much, when I was spitting blood with my lung infection with the paracwap from the government's brain, I didn't tell my mother, my mother found out through a third fucking party, I was playing basketball and they saw the blood and they told their parent and their parent called my parent, I was solid, I didn't want to, I'd rather die than go to a fucking doctor, I'm not kidding you, so I had this pain in my stomach and I had a fucking, I'll never forget that, we played E-starings in the Christmas tournament, freshman

year we lost them, they intimidated us, they flipped the bus over, it was fucking horrible, so we had to sit in the varsity bus and wait for a freshman bus to come get us, so we're sitting in this bus with no fucking heat in November, because we couldn't even sit in the arena that we were gonna kill us, this is E-starings in the old fucking days, this is way before Naughty by Nature and OPP, this is when black people met fucking business at E-starings, you understand me, so we're there and we're in the thing, so it's the freshman cheerleaders, the coaches and the freshman basketball team, and I decide I gotta take a shit now, but before you take a shit, the first thing that happens is you start ripping

those pre-shit farts, oh yeah, oh yeah, that they're fucking horrendous, they're just horrendous, it's like the root of the shit comes out first and then you run up the bathroom and you shit your pants, one of those things, I'm in my blue two of those until this day, I'll never forget the cheerleaders with their heads out the window, go and stop, stop, and I think I blew one that lasted like 30 minutes and then it stopped and then like the next 15 minutes I blew another one and one of the cheerleaders was gone, you made her cry, it was horrible, like I remember going home and sniffing my underwear, it was like a filter, because when you're 14 we do all that disgusting I didn't shit my pants but it was like a coffee filter, it was kind of yellowish in that area

where the filter came out, it smelled so bad, it was like my stomach had blown, I went home, I don't even know what happened, I think I shit for 14 fucking hours, I don't know what the fuck happened, yeah I've been popping fiber pills, I'm gonna take some, I'm gonna eat an apple for breakfast because I've been like three days, just go buy a bag of apples and just keep eating, I have some here, I've got like four apples in here, gonna eat them just right now when I leave, just start eating apples and go in there and finger bang your muffler and jiggle it, like you ever stick a key to that thing and it won't, it won't open it, you gotta jiggle, it's the same thing with your ass, you know you've been drinking juice for fucking four weeks, what do

you expect, you know, you're eating like a rat, so I don't know what the fuck to tell you, you know I love you either way, I just want you to be healthy, we can both be healthier, I gotta go for a blood test, I gotta go for a hearing exam, I'm doing it all Lee, oh shit, this is where you gotta get insurance because like that what am I gonna do, it's 25 hours of pop, I'd rather be safe than sorry, oh yeah of course, once you hit 50 I'm going for a fucking blood every six months, you know, I got a guy here on Twitter that is making me a diet, oh sweet, so you know just a regular shit that I like to eat, shit that I like to eat, not shit that I don't like to eat, I don't want to, you know I'm like you, I don't, you know that speech you made got me but it didn't get me that

day because I understand where you're coming from, that's why I went to Weight Watchers, yeah, because I gotta eat what I want to eat, for a long time you on another diet, that's, I mean get diet, well they ship you the food, was the food any good Lee? For about a week and then it was awful, the breakfasts were okay but everything else was garbage, what were the breakfasts like? Like the, they were bars, that's why they were okay, like bars and some muffins, but it, they sent it to you and they sent you 28 days worth of breakfast, lunch, dinners and snacks, the amount of stuff they have to put to preserve it and like the tomato sauce is gross, but it was, it's been crazy, I haven't eaten out at all, I have a full fridge full of food which I've never had and it's

it's weird, it's exciting and now it's a, it's a journey. I'm proud of you, this is my girl, MB Leaf girl, looking good on fucking Monday morning, you filthy savage, it's nice, it's nice when you get to take care of yourself, I wish I would have taken care of myself better when I was your age, I was eating salami, like I was going all this stuff, I would eat a pack of Oscar Mayer salami with lettuce and thought that was healthy, so I would take a head of lettuce, cut it up into a salad of onion, take salami, cut the whole thing, Oscar Mayer like this much and then put it in the salad, mix it up and put fucking vinegar oil, eat the whole fucking thing, disgusting, despicable and that's silly, what else you got going on, what do we got going on, talk to these people,

we're going to do a podcast Wednesday, you going to put one up today, yeah put this one up today, I'll put the other one up tomorrow, I got a special basketball edition Wednesday, it's not college basketball, it's one of my favorite players and I call in, what else, I got the South Beach Comedy Festival, April 19th, West Palm, fucking Napalm, Fort Lauderdale and immediate areas, get your shit together, tickets are going fucking fast, go to the web link down there and South Beach Comedy Festival, I don't know if it's .com, just type in South Beach, we'll just go to joeydeas.net, that's right, but you can't get tickets through that, so joeydeas.net is for everything else in our life, all right, if you want to help out the podcast, a lot of people go to

joeydeas.net, go to Merchandise and get yourself a long sleeve church, or what's happening now, t-shirt with the flying juin sign on the sleeve, we got short sleeve t-shirts, we got hoodies, JRs down there making it happen, I'm going to have him call the podcast one of these days, we're going to talk shirts, you know, we got a bunch of dates coming up in May, I got Austin, Texas, Arizona and motherfucking Long Island. Oh shit, yeah, and it is South Beach Comedy Festival though. South Beach Comedy Festival.com, we'll get tickets Friday night, eight o'clock, if we sell out, which we are going to, we're going to add a second show, Banana Bread, Blow, Heroine, fucking everything, everything, I'm doing Ari's special storyteller show, April 9th,

at the cheetah on Hollywood, the strip club, that's the dirtiest fucking strip club in Hollywood, I went in there one time to pick up a grandma blow, it was fucking, it's dark in there, you could smell the chlamydia, they serve it at the bar, you follow me, so if you're going to move for chlamydia or any other venereal diseases, come on down April fucking 9th and get yours, besides that, what have we got going on this week, I already asked you, you got no fucking, on it.com and that's it, you bad motherfuckers, as always, thank you very much in the bottom of my heart for fucking Twitter with me and being my friend and fucking around on Facebook, and coming to the shows, we didn't put a video up this week because we really had to have a video,

but if I do stand up this week, I'm going out tonight to do a couple of rooms, so I'll bring Lee and we'll fucking do some videos and all that shit, Lee's going to send Testicle Testament 5 out, and that's it, I love you guys with all my heart, I do this podcast, so you start the morning off, or your fucking day, or your night correctly, you bad motherfuckers, get out there, stab a motherfucker in the throat, I love you, stay black, what do you got for me, Lee, what do you mean? I'll just finish up Akili's last day. All right, I have a great fucking day, I'm starved, I gotta stop doing this, I can't keep living like this, Lee, you can't keep encouraging me, making me smoke pilot, I'm sorry, I'm a bad airport, you're a bad

Jew, you're a bunch of pilot. you