Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #041 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint! It's Monday, February 22nd..... Today, we finished talking about Mourning & the Real Cause of Uncle Joey's Father's Death.... This episode is brought to you by Manscaped and Blue Chew...... Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/Joey Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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let's get this motherfucking party started. You know what I'm saying? It's Monday morning. What we got shit to talk about? Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Hey, look who it is. What's happening?

Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. ["Uncle Joey's Joint"] ["Uncle Joey's Joint"] What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Monday. I think it's the 22nd.

It's Julius Irving's birthday. Maybe, I don't know. I don't know who's fucking son. He's got it. It's always somebody's birthday. I know it's my niece's birthday. What the fuck is her name? Ava.

That's what her name is. It's her birthday today. I wanna wish her a happy birthday. I know she don't watch the podcast. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? For starters, thank you very much for all the birthday wishes and stuff. I had a great time.

I didn't do much. A couple people came over. We ate a fucking Carvel cake. Like two people came over, the neighbors. We blew out the candles. My buddy Joe Rail drove me down to Uncle Vinny's. That was it. The Friday show was great.

Saturday show was great. Saturday night, one of the guys, what's his name? I wanna give him a little shout out. He brought me a nice little present. What the fuck? I hate when I can't see without my fucking glasses. My man's name is Eric Lute and Lori Freeland. I wanna give him a shout out

for dropping off some nice little presents for me. Lori dropped off some nice fucking cookies. I think they killed me last night. I ate both of them, nice little THC cookies. And Eric brought me a little guest pass to Carvel, like a gift certificate for Carvel. I got like $9,000 in Carvel gift certificates. Did you know that?

Do you know that fucking Lee gave me one for a hundred fucking dollars? A hundred dollars at Carvel. I think I'm down to like 92 fucking dollars since we've been here. I swear to God, who could eat a hundred dollars worth of fucking Carvel? Maybe when I was 20, I could eat that much fucking Carvel. But now I can't eat that much fucking Carvel.

It was just a little bite and I feel guilty. Like I get all guilty that I'm gonna get diabetes and shit. So that's why I don't fuck around with sugar. But it was a great weekend all in all. You know, I was telling Mike before the podcast started, I just, I don't know about this fucking comedy stuff anymore. I love it, the whole thing, but I think that somewhere I met my match.

I'm, you know, like I said, I got the whole, I got next Wednesday, which I'm excited about. I got the whole month of March at Uncle Vinny's, which I'm excited about. I'm gonna see what type of writing I could get done, you know, with the book and everything else. You know, I'm writing, I'm doing a lot of fucking writing lately.

And it's just to get stories going. You know, I got a partner to help me with the book, Erica, and it makes my life a lot fucking easier because I'm, you know, this is not my genre. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So I finally surrendered myself and got some help. That's what you do when you need help. So now what I'm doing is I'm just trying

to write the crucial stories of my life. So when we get them, like I have like points, what were the turning points of your life, you know? So I've been doing all that. So I got a lot of shit going on, but something happened Saturday night that I want to talk to you guys about, that this is just to show you that we're all very vulnerable

to life and what's happening. I'm not fucking, I have nothing to fear. Like I'm not scared of a lot of things that most people are. I'm a married man, you know, I'm also a comic, you know? You go out, you do comedy, part of comedy. When I got into comedy, yes, I enjoyed the drugs, I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed,

there was so much to fucking comedy that I enjoyed. It was what I was cut out to do. I'm not saying that all comedians are sex addicts or drug addicts or something like that. It was my thing and I wasn't a sex addict. I just liked fucking going crazy, going out at night, drinking, getting high and doing comedy, the whole fucking thing.

Over the last three or four years, because of what's happened and the pandemic, you know, how you treat the opposite sex is very under a microscope now. At least it is for me. I had to make a conscious decision on, you know, like I have my friends, I have my felices, I have my great Quigglies, I have my, you know, I'm friends with a lot of women.

I talk to a lot of women during the week on the phone. I check in on them, you know, friends from Crystal. There's just so many female comics that I'm friends with and we talk during the week about, you know, none around here. I really, the only woman comic I know in the neighborhood around here is Bonnie McFarlane, who's married to Rich Voss. I talk to her once a month, the bridge is on the phone and we're fucking cracking jokes and he'll go Bonnie,

tell them, you know, but besides that, I really don't see any more female comics. The other night at Uncle Vinny's Saturday night, Dino, the owner of the club, great guy, comes in the back, it's me, my nephew, Jimmy Florentine and the owner, and we're just bullshitting about the show and, you know, and Dino comes back there towards the end, we're getting ready to leave.

It's just so fucking weird. And he goes, Joey, one of my friends is a dear friend of mine is here and she'd like to meet you. Do you mind? Do you mind? I go, no, no, no, she's a friend of yours. Tell her to come back, you know? I mean, there's no pictures, not like that,

there's no hugs or nothing. So it was funny because she came in the room and then the room is a little, it's a small little fucking office. The green room, there's a couch and a couple chairs and cute little place, you know, and Dino walked out and my nephew Luke walked out who drove me and then as the girl was walking in, Jimmy walked out.

So now I find myself in a very uncomfortable, comedic position that 20 years ago I would have been in, you know, I would have loved to been in, a girl wants to meet you after the show, that's always fucking great. Anybody who wants to meet you is great after a fucking show but with everything that's happened over the last fucking two or three or four fucking years with all the bullshit,

guys, I fucking froze, like I fucking froze. She was a mom, she was married, she had two kids, she had a two year old and a six month old, she was attractive, she just moved from Florida a couple of years ago, she was a realtor, she was very sweet, she just wanted to say hello, she was a fan of the county store, she watched the documentary, all that stuff

but I didn't like, I treated her fine, like I was great, we spoke and I spoke to her but the whole time I couldn't feel like, I couldn't be me, like I had had my hands on my sides, like it's so weird what this has done to us as men and women, this whole fucking thing now, how we have to treat each other now, like, you know, if this was three years ago

when she would have come backstage, I would have asked her to sit down, do you wanna smoke a joint, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but because of all the fucking shit now, you can't, like I came home last, I came home Saturday night and I fucking, like it bothered me for a few minutes,

I was making tea, like I make like a little tea before I go to bed, I'm watching TV, my wife went away this weekend, the girls left on Saturday morning, they went tubing with a bunch of mothers in the neighborhood, you know, I was alone, Uncle Veniz, the show ends at fucking 9.30, we were home by 10.15, you know, so I came home,

I cleaned up, I changed, I fed the cats, you know, I played with one of the cats, and then I thought about that, what are that, you know, you always think about your set, I taped my set, so I was listening to it fucking, I had to turn it off after fucking eight minutes, but I thought about the girl, how I treated her, I treated her great, it was great conversation,

then I went out front and spoke with her some more with Jimmy and Luke and Dean, we all, and then she had a girl with her, I thought she had a husband with her, I went out to meet her husband, she had a girl with her, I said hello to the girl, you know, the girl had two, because Uncle Veniz is BYOB, so she had two B's to go, I'm like,

you taking those to go, Jersey people don't fuck around, they take those B's with them, they bring them in and take them with them, we didn't, you know, we're not gonna leave me, we're taking them, so it was just weird, I was nice to her, I was very sweet to her, I was a gentleman, we had a great conversation, but it was just weird how the times are now

limiting you on what you can and can't do anymore, or at least in my eyes, I hope I'm explaining this right to you guys, and I hope I'm coming through clear to you, like, I don't know if you're 22 right now, or if you're 38, or if you're 44, you know, how do you date, how would you go up, what if I said to you, you know, well I'd like to take care of that,

I don't even know how to ask them about it, I had to sit there last, I was watching The Honeymooners, and I'm sitting there watching The Honeymooners, thinking about how a Joey Diaz, a single Joey Diaz, could act in today's world if I was single, I wouldn't know where to start, especially now that I don't do drugs, if I had a drug with Joey Diaz,

I don't know how to ask a girl out, I wouldn't even know where to start, half the courage I got was from alcohol and drugs to ask a girl out, I wouldn't even know where to start talking to a woman, it's the weirdest fucking thing that all my life, I've had best friends that are women, I have friends in Colorado, I still talk to them,

I have friends in LA, I still talk to them, I have girls in Jersey, Jesus Christ, I got like six best friends in the girls in Jersey, and for the first time in my life, the first time in my life, like I've had awkward conversations with women when you get divorced, that's an awkward conversation, but this was an awkward conversation on my end,

I felt that I was limited on being able to be Joey Diaz, and that sucks, dick, like I wish I could, even a hug or how you doing or whatever, we can't do nothing anymore, like you gotta feel like in your head that somebody's gonna take a picture of you, like I said, I had to stop taking pictures of people at the hotel,

like I won't take a picture with somebody at a hotel, there's no fucking way, there's no fucking way no more, if I'm in a hotel and I see like a girl come up to me and wanna take a picture, you're out of your fucking mind, she could put that picture up and say, he took me here on Twitter and fucking, did things to me and I didn't do nothing,

I was just checking into the hotel, I started with that about a year ago when I was traveling with Dean and Kate, like listen man, we're not taking pictures at the hotel, because if you go to small towns, everybody knows you, if you go to like the Pittsburgh Improv, the Dayton Funny Bone, there's certain hotels,

you know, there's the only hotel in the town, if you play in Connecticut for like, let's say Uncle, I forget the name of the club, you know, everybody knows that you're staying there, it's the only hotel in fucking town, so people come from other places to check in, and they're sweet people, I mean, I have nothing against them,

they never bother me, they don't knock on your door, nothing like that, but I'm just saying that what happens if you take a picture with a girl at a hotel, it says they're helping, she could take it home and say whatever the fuck she wants, so this is how crazy it has become, you know, I mean, it just fucked me up totally,

and I just wanted to talk to you guys about it because when it fucks me up, we got a problem, like I don't want to do it, like I felt like I'm Zanzari, like what he got accused of, like that he didn't treat it right or whatever, like that's what I felt like last night, even though it was a great conversation,

and the whole thing, I just didn't feel like I could be myself, and that must be shitty for guys now, that, you know, they feel that they can't, there's so many things with this cancel culture now that just fucking puts you, it has to make you aware of your actions, up to the upscale minuscule of what comes out of your mouth

because somebody will take it weird, you know, this cancel culture bothers me the most because what if you're a guy like me, what if you're a guy that's 27 years old, you make a fucking mistake, right, you know, whatever, I'm just using kidnapping, let's just say that right now, let's get times are hard, okay,

you're not getting unemployment, but you have a friend who has weed, pills, coke, whatever, et cetera, I don't know. Let's say he says to you, you know, you can make money selling coke, all right, and you don't know what you're doing, but you're doing a way, you know, you get a call, you drop the coke off,

one day you make a mistake, and you sell an eight-ball to an undercover cop, I don't fucking know, I don't know what the laws are or whatever, you come out of fucking prison, you serve your fucking year and a half, you do your probation, you know, you get married, you have a kid,

you do everything that's expected from you, but there's only one problem now, you went to prison, is that a smack? Like, I was very fortunate that I went to prison and it rolled off me like a fireman's hat, like I didn't let myself get caught up in it, okay? The reason why, because I knew I was dead, I always knew I was a loser,

I knew that at that time, let's just say at that time I was a loser, I knew I was dead and I knew it didn't matter, I was gonna get into comedy, but I'm talking about guys today that listen to this podcast, that watch Rogue and whatever, how about if you just got out of jail today,

how would you feel? Would you wanna go for it to go to be a better person because people gonna say to you, hey, it doesn't matter, 10 years ago you went to prison for fucking selling cocaine? Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's not,

it's not worth the fucking aggravation for me to do something with my life because they're gonna hold it against me, people gonna hold it against me. Every time I take two steps forward, somebody's gonna say, hey, what are you talking about? You got charged for selling fucking cocaine.

So do you understand what I'm coming from with this? This is what bothers me. The cancer culture, listen, if you wanna get cancer, you get canceled. You could let them fucking cancel you or you could fight for your fucking life if you feel that your actions or the allegations were wrong or they were incorrect

or whatever the fuck, you have to fight. You have to say something to protect yourself. You just can't fucking sit there. But on the other hand, there's the psychological part of it. That little wind that goes through your mind because remember, everything starts with the flip of the switch. It starts with your mind.

Your mind has to kick in and your mind, your heart and your soul all have to connect for you to make that fucking move in the right direction. But when you get something deep, deep, deep into your psyche that you go to yourself, why am I even gonna try? Why would I wanna go back to college and try to get a fucking degree

if in fucking three years from now, somebody's gonna throw up in the paper that I gotta rest it for fucking cocaine. Even though you did your time. See, by me doing that time, for me in my mind, I paid my dues. That's what it's called. You paid your dues.

You got punished and you did it. Now it's time to move on. It's like being a child. When I was a child, my stepfather didn't believe in it me. He would make me write, what do you call those things? I will not steal from the store. I will not steal from the store. Yeah, I will not steal from the store.

I would have to do lines a thousand times. After I would do those lines, you're forgiven. That's it. It's fucking over. It's time to move on. Not anymore. Now you live in a country where you have to actually think about, oh my God, I covered a girl's mouth

at a fucking party in college in 1998 and in 2019, before I become a fucking Supreme Court fucking judge, she wants to raise a hand and say that I covered her mouth at a party in 1998. People have to look at that and go, Jesus Christ, what stupid things have I done in my life that they're gonna call out on me? Why even get up?

Why even try to better myself? You know, that is what I don't like about this whole fucking cancel culture. It's that people are gonna be going, why should I fucking do anything? They're gonna hold everything against me. When I went down with the fucking felony, when I got out of prison, yes,

for two, three, four, five years, I lived very embarrassed. I was very embarrassed. It took me a while to finally come to grips with it and say, I'm moving on and I'm gonna become a comic. I said, comic, not big time comic. I'm not gonna become Kevin Hart. I'm not gonna become Richard Pryor. I'm gonna become a comic.

That's all, that was my goal. How am I gonna become a comic getting on stage, writing material, and just changing my lifestyle? And here we are, whatever, 30 fucking years later. But nowhere in that thing did I think that somebody was gonna come back at me and go, well, you're not really a good comic because you got in trouble in 1987, 1988,

which nobody has ever said because I've been very honest about it. I've been very honest about the details. I've been very honest about what happened, how it happened, and my state of mind. I have thought about this for years. This is, that was such a fucking, there's like 10 or 11 things in my life

that I have re-analyzed and analyzed. I've done my own cycle, analyzing. I don't think I could have gone in front of somebody and could have said those things to them. You know, between the standup, the podcasting has helped a lot, and my thoughts and my notebook and cycle. I do my own, I wanna know what made me say that.

I wanna know what made me do that. For the last 13 years, you know, besides comedy, beside my wife, beside anything else that's been going on in my life, I have in my journaling, there's also, I included in my journaling, why I did these things. What made me do this?

What made me do that? You know, I think that the addiction problem I had. When I had my addiction problem, it was all unresolved matters. Again, this goes back to mourning. This is just a different way of mourning. There's a couple of, a few things, types of things that I like mourning.

I had to go back and psychoanalyze. Once I got clean from cocaine, I wanted to get to the root of that fucking thing. For no other reason, I wanted to get to the root of what the fuck was eating away at me. That would make me wanna do coke and pick up my face with fucking tweezer and steel and fucking lie.

What would possess you? What, what is it? Is it DNA? Is it something, you know, so I dug deep within myself. While most people are learning about politics, while most people are fucking absorbing useless and fucking information,

because 80% of the shit that we're absorbing is useless. We're just avoiding looking within and going, what the fuck made me call her that? You know, I'm writing this book, you know, and I have to be honest. I'm writing a book with a girl and I have to be totally honest with her on every level. I told her a story about when I went to court

with my ex-wife and at court, I beat her. One of the last times we went to court, it was about, they wanted to charge me with a salt because I smacked her boyfriend because he called me a racial slur. Whatever happened, I'm not mad or anything like that, but after that situation on the walk out of the courtroom,

the judge told my ex-wife that if she ever didn't give me the kid, they would charge her with contempt to court and all that shit, no big deal. And I just went off on it. I started saying all these things, that were lies, because I was hurt. I was very, very hurt by the actions she had done.

And I started saying a bunch of things to her in front of her husband to agitate her, agitate her husband. And just, it was just a childish thing. I was very immature. Now, I see that at this age, that I was very immature at that situation. I let my anger win, cooler heads prevailed,

and I said a bunch of things to her. This occurred in 1995. I had won whatever, I think two months later is when I left Boulder. And I thought about my daughter, I thought about everything I had done, going to prison, all this shit. But one of the things that ate away at me for years

was what I said to my ex-wife while we were walking to that car. Even, listen, my ex-wife, the beef I had with my ex-wife was very simple, and I'll break it down to you guys. She moved my daughter in with a man without my permission. Okay, without, and when I say permission, I don't, you're like, Joey, who the fuck are you? Not even permission, just let me acknowledge

that you're putting my daughter in with another man. Now, let me explain myself to you. If she would have done that to me in North Bergen, New Jersey, and I would have stabbed the cops that came and said, you're good. Like in Jersey, we're good. Like a woman in Jersey taking your child and moving in with another man.

I understand you don't love me no more. I understand you don't want to be with me no more. I understand all that. That's all part of growing up that we all have to face at one time or another. People do fall out of love. I get all that. But if she would have came to me

and taken me for a cup of coffee, a nice tea, I don't give a fuck, a slice of pizza, and said, Joey, I met a man. I'm in love with him. I know this is going to hurt you, but I'd rather be up front with you. I want to move in with him and start a family and move my daughter in with me.

I'll tell you what, it would take me 10 days. I would have got up, you know, I would have got up and told her to go fuck herself. It would have taken me 10 days, but then I would have gone. You know what? She came to me, she told me the truth. The guys, and if she would have said,

you know, I'm telling you this, and then I want you to come over and check out the house, meet him for yourself, you know? It was like, give me a half a blessing. No, she didn't do that. That disrespect ate at me to my core. That's a very disrespectful thing in my world. Maybe to you, it's okay to move your kid

from another girl or another man, if that's what you're into. For me, I felt it was very disrespectful. I felt it was, she had cut my legs off, you know? So, for years we spoke on and off, you know, after 2000, after 95, my wife and I spoke on and off, you know, I would call, I would just leave a message and go, you know, can Jackie call me or whatever, and then Jackie would call me.

This was in LA in the beginning when me and my wife first started dating, and then they went to England. They took her out of the country and they went to England. Then there was a long period we didn't talk, and then we talked again, and that's when she told me, you know, I changed her name, there's nothing you could do. She doesn't want any contact with you, whatever.

This had to be like 2009, maybe, I don't know. Was it 2009? Yes, because she would just get going into college. So, you know, I waited a few years, you know? My feelings, you know, I was, I don't know. I knocked my wife up in 2013. And after about two years, just to show you guys the type of person I am, I called my ex-wife and I go,

listen, can you give me a call back? You know, she doesn't, she left this line open just so I could call, so if somebody ever says where you took him, her from Joey, she could go, no, we always kept this line. There's a certain line I call and then she'll call me back. You know, it's not written down, it's written in my fucking soul, you know?

I call the number and I go, when you get a minute, can you call me back? And, you know, I had forgotten, I even left a message. She called me and she's like, you don't know who this is? And I'm like, no, and she's like, shame on you. We were together for six years. You know, the conversation started off nicely. And I go, listen, before I say anything to you,

I just want to tell you something. That conversation we had in 95 outside the police station when I told you that you like carrots in your ass. I mean, I said some fucking crazy shit to her in front of her husband. And I go, I am deeply, deeply, deeply sorry. I didn't even talk about my daughter to her. I didn't ask where my daughter was, nothing.

I said, I just want you to know how embarrassed I feel about the words I said to you. I wish that you find somewhere in your heart to forgive me that, you know, forget the kid and all this shit for my actions that day. And her reply was something you were on drugs. It doesn't really matter. You know, she was just being a fucking bitch to me.

But I know in my heart that I truly apologized to her. So I told this to Erica. I said, you know, that she goes, she was laughing all weekend about the story with the carrots and all that stuff. And I go, you know, as a man today, I feel very ashamed about that story. I had to write it out.

You know, I had to write an apology to her. I never mailed it, but I felt so bad about that going off. That till this day, I, you know, I had to actually, what made me go off? Well, I had the right to go off. Let's get this straight, because of what she did to me with the child. I had the right to go off.

I didn't do anything bad for her to move. You know, that the parents lied to me, I would call, cause she told me she was living with a mother. So I would call the mother and the mother would go, she did not home. She's sleeping. They're in the shower. They went skiing.

You know, she, this was going on for like a month and a half. So I had to find out the fucking rough way, you know? And it fucking hurt. It really hurt. And it, I mean, it cut my core. It didn't cut my core that she had gone with the guy, had nothing to do with the guy. What bothered me was the disrespect and not telling me

that she was moving my little three year old girl in with another man's house. So I, I, I hope that you find or understand where I'm coming from. I mean, nobody has the right to go off on anybody, but I want you to understand what she had done to me and what I had felt in my heart. All she had to do was just come up to me and say that.

I, in, in the book, I'm putting the apology in there. Like it bothered me so much that I searched for years on why I had said those things to her. Like everything I do, I psychoanalyze over and over and over until I get that answer. And then I move forward. I'll get stuck on, I mean, listen, the worst thing you could do as a man is think,

I'm telling you this right now. It's the worst thing that you could do as a man is fucking think, it drives you fucking nuts, but you have to process things. You can't run away from that. You know, we were talking about that through morning last week that I ran away from all my problems. I was one of those guys like, I run away.

I'll deal with it later. You know, we'll deal with it tomorrow. No, no, no, you have to deal with it because if not, you're gonna get stuck. And that's when the addiction starts. That's when the pain starts. That's when all that fucking shit starts. And I remember even, you know, I tell people all the time,

like people hit me up on Patreon or, you know, Facebook or Twitter and they're like, you know, Joey, it's been a week since I haven't done drugs. You know, I'm really trying. And you know, I always tell people the same answer. How many times I quit doing coke? 10,000 times, 10,000 times. It took me 10,000 times to quit

for it to finally fucking stick. You gotta keep trying. You're just not, you're just not gonna stop doing it. You know what I'm saying? So you have to fucking try. I tried quitting coke 10,000 times. I started quitting coke in 2000 fucking one. You know, 2000, I remember still it being 1999

because I never got high in New Year's Eve. So I never got, that was bad luck. I never wanted to be high on New Year's Eve to start the year off. I'm one of those fucking assholes. So I would always get high on the 30th. That would be my New Year's Eve because I always had shows on the 31st.

So the 30th would be my last. I would always be, this is it. This is the last time I'm gonna do coke in 1998. This is the last time I'm gonna do coke in 1999. I wanted to quit doing coke license 1998 when I got into the comedy store. But that's how strong my addiction was. So what happened was for me to get off the fucking drug,

that was my main thing. The county was going great. My relationship with my wife was men's amends. I mean, we weren't married. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. But something wasn't right. So I had a psychoanalyze. So I would start anything I fucking did.

I started questioning my own actions over. Not doubting, never a doubt. Questioning why I did that. Why did I steal this at this time? So before I got clean in 2007, like I was telling Erika, before I got clean, I had been struggling. Like it just, I just didn't quit.

I didn't wanna go to a rehab because I saw 20,000 different people go to rehab and nothing fucking happens because nobody could get to that core of you. You're the only person that could get to your own core. It would take a psychotherapist. Again, a psychiatrist fucking eight years to get you off drugs through talking

because you're peeling off the layers. You're peeling off the layers. You're peeling off the layers. And that's exactly what I did the other direction. And I figured out that it wasn't like for me when I was doing coke, what would make me do that every night? What pain that I have inside me?

So I automatically threw it at my mother. I dumped my cocaine addiction on my mother. It was the pain from her death that caused that addiction. I started thinking about it, I'm like, wait a second. She's been dead for fucking 10 years. She's been dead for 15 fucking years. She's been dead for 20 fucking years. How am I still fucking doing this?

These are the things you have to do if you wanna get clean and you wanna move forward. If you're stuck like I was, a lot of people are fucking stuck in life. A lot of people gonna be stuck during this pandemic because everything slowed down, everything fucking stopped. So once everything stopped, that gives you time to fucking think, which is horrible.

You've seen what has happened by giving people time to think. Everybody has statements, now Marilyn Manson's in trouble. Everybody's in fucking trouble. Everybody's remembering what's been done to them the last 20 years during a pandemic. When things stop, you start thinking. For me, I knew it wasn't death of my mother.

The reason why I snort coke. I knew it wasn't that, come on, I was fucking snorting up a storm before I got fucking married and before the little girl was taken away from me. What the fuck was the root of the cause of this of me snorting coke? It was eating me alive.

Every day I would take a time out from fucking. Until today, every day I would put a little side apart of what it was like a game show on my head. What makes Joey snort? I swear to God, it was called what makes Joey snort? And I would sit there and go, what the fuck would make me wanna do this to myself? I used to have huge.

If you look at any video of me before 2007, I always had a pimple. I always had a gash on my face. There was always a gash on my face because I would get coked up in the hate and see how some people cut themselves, some people slash, I did the opposite. I would take a tweezer and feel

that there was a pimple in my face and I would dig in and dig in and dig in until there was a hole this fucking big in my face. I swear to fucking God. So I looked at it as, I'm not a slasher. I'm really a cutter. You know, this hatred that I have for myself is usually those people that cut themselves.

You know, I went online and I read about it. I didn't tell anybody about my secret, about me picking my face. You saw it. As soon as you see me, I would have a fucking pimple here. I would have a pimple here. I would have a fucking bandaid here

because it was self fucking mutilation. I hated myself. I fucking hated myself. I didn't know why, what was it that fucking makes you wanna do something like this to yourself? You know, I was too embarrassed to go to a psychiatrist. I was too embarrassed to go to my wife

with this fucking problem. I was too embarrassed to go to anybody with it. I think I had too much pride. So I had to figure it out on my own. To be honest with you, I wanted to figure it out on my own. I didn't want anybody else to figure it out. I wanted to figure why I was fucking broken.

And after fucking years one night, after I got clean from Coke, I was doing journaling one night. And some nights you'll be journaling and something will come over you. And all of a sudden it's like a power takes over your hand. After you're journaling for like 10 minutes, like take a situation of your life.

Take a, just journaling about the eighth grade. My eighth grade experience. You know, I started the eighth grade, blah, blah, blah, blah. I enjoyed, I collected comic books. I was part of the Glee Club. You know, you write out the eighth grade. There'll be a part that when you're writing,

your mind will break away of what you're thinking. And just you writing, like when you have like, listened to like Chris Cornell lyrics, the guy from Coldplay, all those guys are great lyricists. You sit there and you go, where the fuck did they get that lyric from? How did they come up with that lyric? They kept writing.

They kept writing, they kept writing and they touched their fucking soul like something. With me, it happens a lot with Chris Cornell. It happens a lot with the singer from Alice in Chains. There was a lot of singers, fuck nut from the doors, Jim Morrison, you know, these are guys I admire because of their writing. But I think that sometimes when you do a lot of journaling

and you're writing, something takes over. I don't know what to destroy. You people gonna think I'm crazy. It's like a spirit, something takes over and starts writing and then you go back and you go fuck, where did I get that from? I wasn't even thinking about that. I finally realized that the pain I had

that was killing me, that I had never fucking processed. And we talked about this last week and this is why I didn't get to it last week but I wanted to get to it today. So we conclude that conversation on morning. It was my father's death. In all my 11 years of podcasting, think about it. I've never spoken about my father's death.

You can't find the podcast. I just say he died of a fucking heart attack. Well, today we're gonna fucking tell you what really fucking happened. So you guys know what was eating away at Gilbert Grape all these fucking years. You know what I'm saying? What was making Joey Diaz pick his fucking face?

What was making me spend 80% of my salary? What was doing all these things to me was the death of my father. Me, I didn't wanna do the work. See, I was like, you guys, I didn't wanna do the work. I just blamed it on the easiest thing. The death of my mother, a bad breakup. We always assume it's that big thing.

In the back of your mind, you're like, ah, sure, I'm fucking getting high. I'm in pain, you know, my mother died, my father died. My brother got taken on a car accident but there's something that led you to that bridge. You didn't just get to that bridge by itself. There's something that got you there. Yes, that event is traumatizing and stuff.

But you know, there's an earthquake. There's always small earthquakes afterward. Aftershocks. Aftershocks. This is called beforeshocks. Something happened before that that you didn't really process. We're gonna talk about this a lot because I want, I think the big problem with us

as human beings, especially now during the pandemic, is that we haven't gotten in touch with ourselves. This is what's helped me so fucking much as a human being. When people say to me, you know what, Doug, I'm telling you right now, yes, getting off the drugs was a big plus for me, the cocaine and all that shit. But the bigger angle for me was getting to know who I was

and getting to know what made me tick. That's bigger than a college degree. That's bigger than a religious experience. That's the biggest thing you could do for yourself is finding out what really makes you tick, why you do the things that you do. So now it explains and now it makes your apology a lot easier to people.

I apologize to people all the time. I'm not, I'm a human being. I'm not fucking perfect by no means. I make mistake. I live in my fucking head. I say weird things. So I had made, since I went to prison, I learned that I had to come to terms

and I had to take responsibility for my fucking actions. You have to take responsibility for your actions, no matter how simple it is. So I became, I fell in love with the apology. I was such a fuck up that I fell in love with the apology. My dick gets hard when I look you in the eye and apologize to you. My dick gets hard when I look you in the eye

and I could be honest with you. Sorry, I got an itchy fucking calf. It's so fucking dry around here that my fucking legs are all dry and shit. You know, my dick gets hard from apologizing to people. It makes me that much stronger. It pulls a huge weight off me. I've always, I did things early on in my life

that I stopped doing and then when I stopped getting high, I went back to that process and it made my life that much easier. When I was a sophomore in fucking high school, right after my mother died, a girl came up to me one day, a really cute girl. Everybody loved this girl. They thought she was really hot.

She came up to me and she said, hey man, you have a friend that's really cute. I don't want to hook up with him, but I want it to be kept discreet. Is there any way we could do this? I go, we could do whatever you want to do it. She goes, I broke up with my boyfriend and I don't want him to find out.

I don't want anybody to find out and I know your dear friends of them, can you hook me up with them? And I go, yeah, you know, for you, I'll do anything. She goes, and I'm gonna do something for you. I'm showing up with a girl, so you could, she just broke up with her boyfriend and she wants to hook up with you.

Do you, would you mind? Do you like her? What do you think of her? I'm like, do I like her? I think she's fucking beautiful, you know? She had broken up with her boyfriend, had been broken up for about a month and a half. Now I was fucking 16 years old, 17 years old.

Mother was dead already, okay? Problems were already starting, but my main, who my mother raised me to be was still intact at that time. She had just died, so it didn't really, hadn't really affected me. I was just going on with my life. She had broken up with this kid

and the kid was a tough dude. The kid was a tough dude and he was a good dude. That was the other thing about this. He was a good fucking dude. So I called the girl up. I go, listen, man, we're gonna hook it up. Me and my buddy gonna meet you and her, you know, we'll get a car, we were young.

I mean, we were gonna get beers and maybe hang out and smoke a joint. It wasn't about sex, we were young. It was basically, I knew that the girl that I was gonna hook up with, I knew she was having sex already because I knew her for a few years. She had a few boyfriends

and, you know, there were long lasting relationships. You know, like once she dated a kid like in the eighth grade for a year and then in high school, she dated another guy for like two years. She had broken up with that guy. When I called her that night and I'm like, hey, we're gonna do this,

but before we could do this, I gotta do something. And I'll call you back. So the next day at school, the kid's name was Fernando Rest in Peace. I went up to him, he's like, hey, how you doing? I go, can I talk to you for a second? And he goes, what's up? I go, listen, man, I know that you and your girlfriend

just broke up, but I've always had kind of feelings for her. His fucking face went pale. His fucking face went pale. I go, I have kind of feelings for her. And I hope that you don't mind if I take her on a date. And I told the kid, me and her, and you know, it's a double date. I hope that you find it somewhere in your heart

that you think it's cool. He went fucking pale. He was a Spanish guy, Latin machismo, you know, the whole thing. He's like, if I was you, I wouldn't fucking do it. And I would watch my fucking back, you know? And I go, wow, this is weird that by being honest, somebody gets mad at you.

So by him saying, watch your back, that really fucking pissed me off. Like, I'm not like, now I'm gonna have to fucking do it because the guy's threatening me. I'm trying to be a fucking man here at 16, 17. And this guy is telling me to watch my fucking back. So he was a year older than me. I'm like, all right, we'll see what fucking happens.

Something happened, I think my mother died. And me and that girl were supposed to hook up that night, the week before Halloween, like a week before Halloween. And that was the night that I stayed out late and my mother smacked me when I got home at six in the morning. She ended up at a different party. We never hooked up. So after my mother died,

that kid came to my mother's wake and he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, hey man, I threatened you that day. I wanna take it back because I didn't realize what you were doing. You came up to me like a man. Most guys don't even have the balls to do what you did. You came up to me like a fucking man

and asked me if you'd go out with her on a date. He goes, I'm sorry about your mom and you have my blessing. Take her out. And we didn't hook up till years later. I mean, but this is, and let me tell you this, me and that guy stayed great friends. For years, every time I came to Jersey,

he would come to all my fucking shows. And maybe a year and a half ago, he passed a heart attack. I sent his wife flowers and a card and some help. And we stayed friends because that's how I was raised. You talk, you ask permission, you talk to people. You can't move in my fucking child with some fucking stranger and not fucking tell me. So that was what I was pissed off about all those years.

But as I was saying to you guys before, I'm gonna talk to you about the death of my father and then we'll wrap it up. I know I've had you here for a little while. I've never told this story and I'm gonna tell it to you guys right now. My father was born in Cuba, came to the States early and he connected with a bunch of Jewish guys

on the Lower East Side. There's a book called The Something Connection. I got it outside, I have to go get it. It's one of my favorite books I've ever read because somebody pulled me aside when I was a kid one time and told me that those were my dad's friends.

It's two Jewish guys in there and that it was a long story, but what happened was this. I always tell people that my father died of a heart attack. My father did not die of a heart attack. My father died of heroin overdose and it wasn't a heroin overdose. He thought he was doing a line of coke and it was pure heroin.

And when he did the line of fucking heroin, it just, he went into a coma. You know, it was just too much heroin to put up your fucking nose. He thought it was coke. It was 1966 and he was Union City's first Cuban committee man. So he went into the bathroom, somebody gave him a package. They thought it was fucking coke.

He went into the men's bathroom, did a line, he came out and he collapsed and he started vomiting. He went into a coma and they took him to the fucking hospital. At the hospital, he died of an overdose but they couldn't fucking say that. So they said he died of a heart attack

on a newspaper and they never signed his, his, that certificate. And my mother had a ship to fucking body back to Cuba in a rush before, you know, the autopsy results were whatever. Nothing ever came from it. I've always told people it was a heart attack, you know.

I found the obituary, you know, looking through my mother's stuff and they said heart attack. All the obituaries said heart attack and stuff but my mother sat me down one day. It wasn't even my mother who sat me down one day. I told you guys that I had a family in Miami, the Castriones, Rodolfo, I love him. You know, Rodolfo was like my uncle to me

and it was him who told me the story. You know, every summer I would go down there and spend the summers with him and he would treat me better than his fucking kids, you know. And I would spend three weeks with them every fucking summer. Two weeks at the house where I would work and then the third week my mother would come down and she'd join me, Rodolfo, Vivian and the three kids.

And we'd go like Miami Beach and we'd spend the fucking week and, you know, it was great. The point is he treated me like a fucking better than a son. And one day in 1976, the summer, I remember the summer because it was the summer the Eagles came out with one of these nights. That's one of my favorite fucking jams of all times. The Eagles came out with that song one of these nights

and I met a girl down there in Miami, Rebecca and Natasha. They were two sisters and I fell in love with one of the sisters and, you know, we were calling back and forth. And anyway, the point of the story is this, that I asked him once, he was going, he was, I was about 11 and 76, I was 13 and I went down there and he pulled me aside one day and he goes, can I talk to you about something?

And he goes, I don't know if you know this. I don't know if your mom has told you, I didn't want your mom to tell you, but do you want to know the reason I treat you the way I do? Cause I asked him once, I go, cause you always always tell me, I love you more than the son. I asked him, why do you always say those things to me? And he goes, I'm gonna tell you something.

Your mom's gonna be mad at me, but I'm gonna tell you the story anyway. He goes on a night that your dad died, they were having a party at the bar. He goes, I lived three doors down at that time. Me and my wife lived three doors down from you, your dad and your mom. We were always together.

We knew each other since Cuba. We reconnected in the States and we're best friends. He goes, I had to do something the next day. Like I had, he had to do like a meeting. He had like some meeting. He was a big outdoor boat guy. He was a big boating guy, this Cuban guy. And he had to do something with a boat.

So he owned like a boating company down the shore somewhere in Jersey. I don't know the details, but he was starting to tell me the story. He goes, let me tell you what happened. They were having a party at the bar for your father. Cause my birthday is the 19th. My father died February 26th.

This Friday will be his 51st anniversary. No, if he died when I was three, it's just 55th anniversary. This Friday or the 26th, whatever, yeah, Friday. So he pulled me aside one day when we were sitting there and he goes, you want me to tell you why? Cause I'm responsible for your father's death. I go, what are you talking about? My father died of a fucking heart attack.

He goes, no. He goes, we were kids. We didn't know what was going on. We were doing cocaine and I fucking, I knew my mom did coke, but Redalpha was such a straight fucking guy, construction company, nice house, you know. He's telling me this.

He goes, when we were kids, we used to do fucking coke in 1966. Can you imagine that shit? My dad was 37 years old. That's why I never thought I would live over 37 because my dad will die at 37. So he goes, they were having a party, but I had this big event the next day I had to do

and I had to be there on time. I had to be clear-eyed and I couldn't drink that night. So they kept calling me from the bar saying, Redalpha, come over, there's a fucking tremendous party. There's broads, all this shit. There's coke and Redalpha kept saying, no, no, no, I'll hang up on it. I guess at some part of the night they gave,

somebody gave my dad an aluminum foil and my dad went into the bathroom and he came out and he vomited, they called him first and they said, Redalpha, hurry up over here. Manolo's in trouble. He did a line of coke and he had a heart attack and he's like, fuck you guys. You guys are just playing games with me.

That's not, that's a fucking lie. Bye and he kept hanging up and they kept calling him saying, Redalpha, fucking hurry up, come over here. He's dying, we don't know what to do. My mother was calling him, we don't know what to do. And he's like, knock it off already, stop calling here. Manolo's fine and he kept hanging up.

The next morning he woke up and somebody told him Manolo died last night and he said that he didn't make it to his meeting, that he cried for like fucking two days. He did all the adventure with my mom and then they went in search of to see who had given him that cocaine, that certain cocaine. Because once they found it in his pocket,

once the cops came or whatever, they were like, it was heroin. This is why I never, I always made myself a promise as a kid that I was gonna do drugs. Like, you know, that if I ever did get into drugs, I would be okay, but I would never do fucking heroin. After my mother died, I did heroin with Gunter Brown. I did heroin a couple times in prison

and I did heroin in 2007 before I cleaned off a coke. I was snorting and I never shot it. But that's what bothered me the most about heroin because my father died of heroin. So when, before I quit the fucking coke and I realized that it wasn't my mother's death that had bothered me. It was my father's death that I had never mourned.

I had never really remembered my father. So I went on an all night, you know, I went on an all out brigade to find out who my fucking father was. I had an investigator, he got me all this information and it put me more at peace. This is back in 2007. I think Joe Rogan gave me the money to pay the investigator.

I never told them what it was for, for me to find out what had happened to my father. They buried him, whatever it was, an overdose. Because years later, somebody pulled me over and said he got shot and I'm like, now you wanna fucking try to call around and ask around. I asked my uncle, my uncle was like, no, my mother's brother was like, no, I was there that night.

I saw him going to the bathroom. I saw it all go down. It was very fucking sad. Till this day, we don't know who gave him the aluminum foil. And that was it. Once I figured out that it was my father's pain that kept me doing coke, I stopped in 2007. Once I identified what the pain was from,

for years, I blamed it on my mother, Anthony Balzano and Dominic Special. I blamed it on those three deaths all at one shot. But after that, it wasn't that. It was the death of my father that I had never processed it. And once I processed it and I hired the investigator and I found where he was buried in Cuba and everything, one day I just got off the fucking coke, just like that.

And that's the fucking podcast. What the hell's that, motherfuckers? I've never told that story. I was very ashamed to always tell that story. Very fucking ashamed. I never told it to my friends. I never told it to anybody. So after the last week, the podcast about morning,

I figured, why am I lying to these people? Let me finish out and tell them the story on how I really got fucking clean and sober from cocaine. Yeah, I read on IMDB, I read on fucking Wikipedia that one of my cats ate the coke and they all deed. I don't know who wrote that in there. Whoever wrote that in there used to be shot and hung. What really happened was I went upstairs

and I had two cats in the bathroom that were dying and my wife was taking care of them. One of them died. The other cat I hated with all my heart, his name was super bad, but my wife told me that DJ had died. I told her to close the door, please. I can just go close the door, I can't take it.

And then I go, I'm stuck with that fucking super bad. He's gonna fucking, and I said to myself, wait a second. I have eliminated all the problems in my life. I found out what the fuck was bothering me. It was the death of my father. This is the perfect opportunity. I opened up the bedroom door, I went to the bathroom, super bad, the cat was laying on the floor.

My wife had put two towels on the floor with food and they had anemia. I guess if your cat lives outside, they get anemia or some shit like that. I fucking got up, I went into that bathroom, I closed the door, I got on my hands and knees, and I said, God, if you save this cat, as much as I hated that cat, I didn't like super bad

because he came from a litter of four and there were three Siamese's and super bad. And the three Siamese's, I still got two of the girls and super bad DJ was his brother. He was also Siamese. Their mother was fucking two cats at once. She was fucking the samurai and she was fucking the black and white big cat.

So they both got a pregnant. She had like a mixed fucking load. So she had three Siamese's cats and one super bad cat, like one black and white cat. I didn't like him because he would make DJ. DJ was Demi Junior. I was gonna bring him upstairs in a couple of weeks. I was gonna break it to my wife in 2007.

But fucking, I wanted the cat to get bigger before I brought him up. You have to wait a certain amount, eight weeks, 10 weeks, I don't fucking know. So every time I look outside, fucking super bad would be on top of a tree with Demi and DJ. And I would go fucking DJ, come down here and DJ would come down and super bad would stay up there.

But super bad would make DJ do crazy things because he was a crazy cat. So I was like one day I'm gonna fucking kill this fucking cat this super bad cat. I didn't like super bad because I liked DJ. But I had DJ and super bad in the fucking bathroom. My wife had him in the bathroom. When she came to me and told me that DJ died,

I was like, God damn it, I love that fucking cat. Sure, fucking super bad, fucking live. The cat I don't fucking like. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what am I fucking saying? I got up, I went into the fucking bathroom. I got on my hands and knees and I pet this cat as much as I didn't like him. He wasn't even paring, he was three quarters dead.

I was petting him, petting him, petting him. And I said, God, if you let this cat live, I will never fucking do cocaine again. Never ever again. Now, between us, I knew I was bullshitting. Like between us, I knew I was bullshitting. I had lied to God, I had made a thousand promises to God before that I've ever came through on.

Like this is just a bullshit story, you know? I looked at that cat and I pet it and I said, God, if you let this fucking cat live, I will never touch your fucking grain or fucking salt. Never, never even look at cocaine again. I got up and I'm like, whew, I hope that fucking works, you know? Let's see if that promise comes true.

Well, let me tell you something, man. Like I said, 14 days later, I couldn't fucking believe it. 28 days later, I couldn't believe it. Three months later, I couldn't believe it. And now 13 years later, I'm sitting in front of you, telling us that I quit cocaine over a fucking promise to God that a cat would die. And Superbad's dead, he died last year,

he died two years ago, December 17th, 2019. I miss him, but it was a promise to a fucking cat and me fucking getting to the heart of the matter, the pain, cause you gotta root out that pain. Don't blame it on that one thing. It's not that one thing that you're blaming on. It's something that happened before that, that you never really, it bothered you,

you didn't process it, and then something else happened and together they became painful, do you know what I'm saying? So if you got any pain that you need to get rid of, again, I'm sick and tired of telling people, I answer these questions every day on the platforms, get that fucking notebook and write it out. You don't need to see a therapist, you don't need to see nothing like that.

You could get to the heart of the fucking problem all on your own, you just have to be fucking strong enough and be willing to peel back the fucking layers like a banana, you gotta keep going in there, keep going in there, keep going in there and going, what the fuck is wrong with me and why am I fucking broken? And your problems will fucking disappear. I'm not saying I don't have no problems today,

but pain free, I'm fucking done with pain. That pain that makes you wanna do stupid shit and I haven't been done with it, it took me 44 years to fucking figure out how to deal with it. I'm gonna save you 20 fucking years if you do what I fucking tell you. I'm not like, I'm over Anthony Robbins and I'm like that, but I'm telling you that it worked for me.

So if you got a pain, if you can't stop drinking, if you can't stop doing coke, if you can't stop doing pills and you know you're in pain, not like physical pain, but something is bothering you inside. Don't go with what you think is that process. Think a little deeper, go a little harder. You know, that's what a psychiatrist does. They peel off the fucking layers for you.

You could do it on your own with a notebook and it feels a lot better because it's just yourself. You worked out the equation on your own and that's the podcast for Monday, February 22nd. It's a beautiful day to be fucking alive. I wanna thank all you guys for watching. This wasn't the most entertaining podcast of the year, but I wanted to finish off the conversation

from last week, from morning. I want a little RIP to Brody. I think this is his anniversary also, dying this week. I didn't wanna do a podcast about Brody and a podcast about Ralphie. It would have been too much death, but my heart goes out to Brody's family. My heart goes out to Brody's bench.

My heart goes out to Marisa Alvarado, for putting the park bench together and the whole thing. And I also wanna thank, I don't wanna thank, I also wanna send much love and light to my father, who's been dead 55 years this fucking Friday. I love you guys with all my heart, you know. If you got a problem, fucking, you don't need to call anybody.

You know exactly where to go. Tap in to yourself, tap into your soul, get a notebook and start fucking writing. And hopefully you'll feel better, you'll feel great and you'll stop doing the stupid shit that you do. For me, it was very hard doing this podcast a day and telling you guys about the fucking cutting. I never cut myself, I would just pick myself

and telling you that my father died as a junkie. Was very hard to do it, but that's what this podcast is about. It's about the truth and getting it out there and for us to learn something from one another. Thank you very much for watching. I wanna thank fucking, blue chew, I wanna thank Manscaped

and I wanna thank you guys for watching. Have a great week and I'll see you guys Wednesday, tip top motherfucking Magoo. Stay black, cock suckers. Yo, before we leave, I also wanna thank my future brother-in-law, Steve, for making me a little fucking statue of Uncle Joey. I don't fucking know, but it looks good

and I appreciate the hard work you put into it. I don't fucking know. I don't know, I think I'm a little bit more handsome than this motherfucker, but it's Uncle Joey's joint bitch and I wanna thank you personally, Steve, my future brother-in-law, thank you. All right, you bad motherfuckers, thank you for taking the time out on a Monday morning and listening.

I know you got a lot of shit on your plate. Thank you for taking the hour, whatever the fuck it is. Before I go, I wanna thank a few people. For starters, blue chew, listen, there's one thing you can count on in this world, blue chew for harder, stronger erections. I'm not saying that you got ED. This combats all forms of ED, but listen,

even if your dick works right, why not go in there with some extra firepower, right? Blue chew brings you the first chewable dick pill. Same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis had a fraction of the cost. This isn't that fucking bullshit they bring you. You know, oh, this is from a kangaroo's asshole. Snort this, this'll make your dick hard.

Go fuck yourself, right? When I show up with blue chew, I'm blowing up, I'm showing up with fucking science, cock-suckers. Blue chew is an online prescription service. No visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, no waiting online at the pharmacy. The process is fucking simple. You sign up at bluechew.com.

You consult with one of their licensed providers, and once you're approved, booyah, you receive a little prescription within days right at your door. It ships right to your door in a discrete package. There's not gonna be an envelope with a big black dick on it, nothing like that to embarrass you. Not even your mailman knows.

Blue chew tablets are made in the USA, and they're prepared and shipped directly. It's cheaper than going to a pharmacy, save time, aggravation, embarrassment, and you know what, be a better lover. They're gonna, you want them to call you back, right? You gotta show up with a fucking nice hard big dick, and they got a special for you right now.

Blue chew, try blue chew for free, for free. Who else does this? You think I'm gonna show up with some fucking Susquehanna shit, use promo code Joey and check out. Just pay five hours for shipping, that's it. Bluechew.com, promo code Joey to receive your first month free. Free, free, I'm showing up on a Monday

with something for free, suckers. I wanna thank Bluechew for sponsoring the joint, but right now, go to Bluechew.com, pressin' Joey and get a month for free. Let's start the week off like that, all right? Who else shows up with something for free on a Monday? Fuckin' nobody. The joint is also brought to you by Manscape.

Listen, you're stuck in the fuckin' house. It's freezing to death. You can't masturbate all fuckin' day and stick fingers up your ass. You gotta go fuckin' for broke here, all right? You gotta go on a date. You went out last weekend for Valentine's Day. Did you take care of yourself?

When I'm talkin' about takin' care of yourself, I'm talkin' about Manscape, cock sucker. The best, it come, the Lomo 3.0. The best fuckin' ball trimmer known to mankind. It's the only ball trimmer with the advanced skin-safe technology that won't nick or snag that beautiful fuckin' nutsack. You've seen my nutsack.

You know it's fuckin' beautiful. Don't sit there and believe you don't know what I'm talkin' about. Protect your fuckin' family jewels. Protect those balls of death. Plus, if you get the Manscape performance package, it's the only way to go. You gotta get the whole package.

You just can't get the Lomo 3.0. You're wasting your time. I want you to do a complete overhaul on your nutsack dick pole. You understand me? They also throw in what's called the Crop Preserver and the Crop Reviver. It keeps everything smelling good, fresh.

It fuckin' takes the wrinkles out of your nutsack. You look at my, you see me lately? How healthy my glow is? Why? I fuckin' put it on my face. I don't give a fuck at this point anymore. I'm 58, I got one foot in the grave and one in a banana peel.

But my favorite is the Crop Mop Ball Wipe. You put it right in your little wallet. It's a little package. And just in case you bump into somebody who wants to suck your dick, you're prepared. You say, give me a minute. You turn around. You pee in the bush.

You wipe your little ball sack and your dick and your little helmet with no thing. And you fuckin' throw it away and let the fuckin' guy down the corner when he picks up the dog shit. Use that to fuckin' pick up. I don't give a fuck. The Crop Mop Ball Wipes are tremendous.

Nobody is gettin' the whiff of my nuts unless Manscaped has gotten there first. And I've been with Manscaped for years. But wait, there's more. Clean out your stinky fuckin' nose hair with the weed wacker. You saw last week that snot I fuckin' had. As soon as I fuckin' finished,

I ripped that fuckin' snot out and I weed-wacked my fuckin' nose. No more fuckin' snot. And now, you can top it all off with their cologne name refined. Tremendous fuckin' s- I wish I knew French so I could describe like Saint-Jean-Hasek-Wah.

When you use refined, fuckin', a gentleman always cares for his fuckin' grapes. You understand me? That's how fuckin' tremendous it smells. They got you covered when it comes to your nutsack and your dick pole over at Manscaped. So do me a favor. Go to manscaped.com slash Joey.

Manscaped.com slash Joey. Take a look at what they got. Take a look at the 3.0. Take a look at the fuckin' weed wacker and get 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com slash Joey. Again, that's 20% off and free shipping at manscaped.com. I wanna thank Manscaped. I wanna thank Blue Chew.

But most importantly, I wanna thank you fuckin' animals for giving me your Monday and hour of your fuckin' time and letting me fuckin' talk shit. You guys are my fuckin' psychiatrist. I love you guys to death. Have a great fuckin' week and I'll see you on Wednesday, ready to go. Dip top motherfuckin' magoo.

I love you, cock suckers. Be safe.