Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 04/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #70

Episode Date: April 12, 2013

Last Comic Standing Winner Felipe Esparza and comedian Tommy "Buns" Segura call in today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Streamed live on 04/10/2013

oh shit listen to this motherfucker this is real solidness are you kidding me or what it's Wednesday April 10th get up you fuck wash that helmet it's gonna be a beautiful fucking day to be alive hit it Lee oh shit oh shit Wednesday the church of what's happening now the co-host and the main man Lisa yeah what's up a guy without the fucking juice it blasted me this is the real fucking beer right here there's one line about literally let's get it out of the way this is my first fucking song ever kick that motherfucker what do you mean this is your first song

ever when I heard this when I came from Cuba I don't know what year I heard this I was either five or five all right let's six easy and I was on 205 West 88 Street okay and I heard this kick it kick it right here I love this oh shit I didn't even know what fucking over I was but I knew I was going you follow me I knew I was fucking going you know why dog when I came I used to think that they were saying American man I made my mother by the single and put up the fucking Spanish bar and every time I was there we got a handful of fucking quarters and keep playing I want to be such a fucking American at that time

that little kid this song came out to me that song is like my national anthem I did you fucking I was I haven't really I haven't heard this before and it's sounds like like it like the rock like it if you were gonna make a like a theme American rock that's it that American rock hanging out with rednecks fucking cowboys long-haired motherfuckers smoking dope talking about how to overcome the fucking enemy in this goddamn country that's how you're fucking listen to that shit you just sit there go and let's start by fucking killing the fucking whatever don't get me started it's a beautiful day to be about it is fucking

beautiful dad a great time last night with Ari Shafia cheaters at the strip I'm pissed off I couldn't go I'm pissed off I couldn't go because you're not supposed to go to work to April 29th and they fucking always always put you together they always do this to you there it's my feelings well you're part of the church of what's happening what am I supposed to do when you haven't had a boss to call you in for fucking 20 years because I took a chance Columbus day yeah I want to over here we're doing good and we're trying and I gotta go make the work the camera still not here it's here I got I walked in this morning

fucking short-time widest fucking Jew legs you ever seen your life I thought he was trying to seduce me I really established fucking Jew stomach and but it's a fucking beautiful day to be alive you're here you're an American that's what the point I'm trying to make with that song this is a partner when he goes we'll come into your town we'll help you party down we're an American fucking band okay you're going to rehab when we leave and your mouth's gonna be stretched out the cops we're gonna put in it but you're in a fucking party with an American band that's all that happens anyway Jesus Christ that's what you

thought you were in your five that's what I thought when I heard that that song we should just rattle me rattle me rattle me I can't tell you how much it would just take me from point A to point B within minutes I'd run yeah you're already on your second join of it of being here which I'm sure is like your third or fourth join of the day nah I got a slow start this month I didn't get home till about 1115 last night I'm gonna make a cup of coffee and hang on I tell you what I fucking couldn't I was so tired I ate a I ate a fucking something ooh a bang chocolate bar Jesus 175 milligrams I think I was tied up I had

to go to doctor the last two days from my hearing you know I'm fucking deaf yeah it's official it's over so I come back in six months we can sit and put in some apparatus is in your fucking here Jesus my left ear I can't really focus on sound you I could hear I could hear so when you talk to me after talking on my right side okay and I'm getting old folks is what happens we also like you like you don't you don't listen to music you blast music since day one since day one there's only one way to fucking blast it I love loud music and if I ain't loud enough I like earphones and I'll light it up there when I had my fucking

Walkman let's say this how long I've been blasting my fucking ears I had a separate power booster that you buy Sony they made those for Walkman Walkman equalizes yeah tremendous I've still got one at the house for an iPod oh shit so you plug it into the iPod and you put the speakers in today and it goes today you fucking blast your head off blast your fucking head off I love it I love loud shit poorly stoned and just sit back and listen to like master reality all fucked up at least you enjoyed the sound when you can hear it do I'm gonna smoke this bone by myself Lee I don't want to come on let's get this party

started fucking Wednesday April 10th you know the fool is fucking dead and let's do this cock suckers beautiful day you know I I told the story last night on the thing that you guys have heard before about how I got off the drugs you know I made a promise to a cat my little super bad who when you walk in my house and you look at my other cats you're like yeah there's some pretty good-looking cats and you look at super he's like the Maryland from the monsters you know I'm saying he's like really yeah yeah super bad's not a handsome cat but he's very warm like when you're sitting there watching TV stabbing the

fucking arm oh yeah what the fuck's wrong with you and he lays on you he's very loving I gave him a lot of love but that cat was a fucking tyrant in the beginning that's why his name was super bad well he still is a little bit which is funny because when I came over when you were leaving I was coming over to play with the cats and like you were coming like this one this one they can't be together no I'm super bad him and Fidel him and Fidel I like tolerable like he takes shit from Fidel but I tell you what he fought for down he fought for Delta the fucking debt they got into a recently about a year and a half ago

when I was on banana bread to a nervous fucking neck breakdown I can't handle that shit I'm not gonna lie to you when two animals start fighting I'm fucking heartbroken yeah cuz I like we were over there and like it was a super bad and hairy and they were just like kind of looking at each other and of course you knew what was gonna happen well look at each other all fucking damn they start making noises and then you hear a ruckus yeah but you have one of those air horns that they have in basketball games and you don't even like to let it happen like aren't aren't cats supposed to do that or like you don't even let it

have you know I don't even want to look no no no you got a nip in the bud like they should have stopped Hitler in Munich that's it you got to nip that shit in the fucking but it's like when you got a niche in your balls spray that shit with that's the next figure it out because you don't want that shit spread you're gonna get a blowjob it smells like a grilled cheese sandwich down we don't you know so uh no I don't want no fights in my house like I don't like to allow that that can't happen we're animals we're family how can you be fucking brawling my fucking house okay so I don't like that you know not even when

I'm high it's not cute don't go put you into a fucking state of panic one day I'm doing something in the office and I'm hearing this commotion in the fucking living room right I'm like what the fuck is this I'm hearing like walls getting hit Jesus boom the first time they started with them I was in the kitchen and I heard something I thought it was burglars in the bedroom about two years ago and it started between Finney Fidel dimmy no it started between dimmy really super bad all there was a war in the fucking bedroom I had to take the cats and separate them and put them in different bedrooms at that time that's

hysterical it was fucking horrible Fidel had to go into the bedroom super bad had to go into the office Harry had to go into the bathroom had to put the other one in the kitchen it was fucking terrible how to put one in a cage that's how it started and then it evolved into about a week later I'm hearing this in the foot this is the best one ever and super bad is fighting with somebody like they're starting their little fucking yeah you know that noise shit yeah and they're eyeballing each other they're eyeballing each other I'm like what the fuck is gonna go down as I walk and I go super bad this motherfucker went off the

couch and looked like whether he was fighting yeah he had just been so mad don't I go super bad he looked at me he goes dad you know he just went on like these motherfucking they looked at whoever got into the fight with and he went and attacked them like just jumped on this fucking cat it was Harry okay and after I broke him in Harrier he was he's a true story he was I broke them up and he was facing Fidel on the couch so he's this is going on by the fireplace yeah and Fidel is on the couch I'm doing laundry I'm folding laundry yeah and I pushed the whites to the side I got the whites I'm putting the socks together

yeah so the basket with the laundry is under Fidel okay super bad spots fucking Fidel jumps on the couch like you know what since I'm fucking you up I might as well fuck that big motherfucker this is a little super bad he jumps on the fucking couch on the thing like we and he walks it like a burglar I'm balling Fidel like you better fucking get ready I'm coming after you this was like something out of a movie I'm like oh my god he went up to Fidel and they started battling on the table she's battling like just fucking lights are going lights fall down you know the light with the basket that all went down books went flying these two

fucking momos fall into the laundry basket and laundry basket tips over the lands on them so it's a cage fight and I'm crying right at that time I'm fucking going to Sponjulix I'm drooling you know me I'm gonna have a fucking retard here's my two loves of my life a fight I can't have this shit I can't have it I finally pick it up Fidel's got a scratch on his face super bad's got a couple scratches on his face but super bad took it to him yeah cuz Fidel's like twice as his size twice as fucking size and super bad I'm not today not today this is what jiu-jitsu is all about now let me ask you one thing good house don't

read you cuz like you imagine this is fucking stone I you know I didn't expect this shit in my house listen I stay in my house that's why shit don't happen you farm saying yeah I stay in my house that shit yeah fucking happen and it happens so listen I love those I love those for people who don't know last week when I went on vacation it was great you know it was great to be in my in-laws and but I missed those fucking cats I feel so fucking guilty if they would be an earthquake I'd probably kill myself I don't know I don't know what I would do if I if I did something to cause something to happen bad to those

cats now in but you know like it's like it like an earthquake you didn't cause it but you would feel if you left in there was an earthquake it'd be it would be your fault yeah if I was staying outside the World Trade Center when I'm bro and that thing got hit it would be my fucking fault I'm one of those guys you know I'm saying you know it's like actually you're the kiss of death yeah but you think of these cats I went I lived in Hollywood I saw an earthquake one day I was in the office and I was looking at the food bowl something made me look at them eating yeah and they stopped eating and they

were walking into the living room and all of a sudden the fucking building tipped oh you have no idea when there's an earthquake and I say this story at the time it was horrifying to me I'm gonna fuck what I tell you about Harlem and drugs and guns I'm telling you you don't know what it's like when a fucking building is shaking yeah it's terrible and you're called and you're stoned again you know that it's fucked up to be caught off guard when you're on reefer you get caught off guard that's the fucking worst you know some Chinese guy wants to attach it with new chucks but to be fucking high that's another that's a

fucking other so I saw the bowl this is how much the building tipped yeah that the building tipped at such a quick speed that the bowl stayed in the air and so that the fucking cats I saw the cats like we're fucking moving so this is I just worry about the fucking animals that's my point here you fuck that's my point we say it when the smoke's a more dope this was a mixture I went over to let me tell you something I got we're very lucky here and then Medical Marijuanaville here but I'm working with two stores to the fucking tremendous number one divine wellness and they're not my sponsor or nothing I'm just

telling you guys if you're in the area if you come visit if you come visit and you don't have a fucking license in fact they're gonna renew my license today already paid it was a year April 10th I gotta go pay the 60 okay I think it's down to like 45 I'm gonna go there this afternoon today is a special day at the house why my wife is going back to work you have a party no she's cracked my poor wife is cracked she's ready to go back no oh she's oh she's not but she feels guilty they paid for the baby the whole thing my wife is like you she doesn't want to go back to work no Lee has gotten this new thing you don't want

to work Lee's like fuck I just want to work with you let's go full-time we're gonna go full not with the podcast with other things other things it's just I had like a week off and when you like this I was mad the other night I tweeted something there's so much waste at these offices like I saw you said the amount of people it's just like there's people who are in charge who are just doing things wrong and like there are so many people at the office especially at night who I had like an hour's worth of work last night and I started into six because I didn't want to leave before then but I like it's just the amount of

waste that happens there and especially when I have stuff like with you that I could be doing I feel like what am I sitting here in an office for like and it's it is scary not having that paycheck but I would rather I'd rather go play go play blackjack for the for half a week and come back here and do stuff with you go podcast and do podcasts and stuff so it's just it's not that kind of weird and I'm sure with your wife like but before the kid came to the all I would be ready to go back to work but now that she has the kid she's like wait I'm missing stuff with my daughter to count money for my god she's I saw her

yesterday about fucking 15 years ago I started data and my wife was a special fucking bird we were she wanted to quit like you she wanted to quit smoking one day she goes I can't smoke cigarettes no more you part-time I don't like him at night how long you been smoking since college I go you think quit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'll never forget seeing her I got the eighth day of quitting guys she was fucking pale pale she had this look on her eyes but her eyes are beautiful blue eyes but they get light light when she's in danger when her mental is fucked up because her eyes get light light blue and pinned like she's

doing heroin really that's when you know my wife got something on her mind when her eyes are pinned that Indian that fucking American Indian in her her eyes get blue and pinned that means something's fucking her hair gets dry it starts popping from the ponytail she's got something on her mind you gotta tell you that's funny that you know her that well after this long oh yeah you could tell when I came in from that thing and she hadn't smoked that eight days she looked at me she goes I'm going to the store to get a pack of cigarettes just by looking at the pain her face I understood then she quit no problem

the next time but yesterday when I was leaving to go to Ari show yeah she was sitting there she was bad with her eyes were pinned she was thinking about going back to work and but she likes a job it's one of those things it's like me at eight o'clock when I have to go to kickboxing I'm like hey the fuck I don't want to go to kickboxing and then once I get in the car and I go you know like I get there once I'm stretching and I hit the bag you like fucking I'm happy I came you know my wife has good friends at that job I've been with my wife for a long time and I'll tell you she was a couple you know my wife worked at Starbucks

at in Gayville no my wife was making like 200 a day working part-time at the Starbucks in Boys Town in the gay neighborhood in Santa Monica no because that's the most prosperous fucking the gay guys tip she was working with three guys three chicks or something and she was coming home with a deuce a day three days a week 600 in tips and fucking Jesus that's what my wife did until she got the job as the accountant you know like she found another yeah I knew about the comedy store but I didn't know yeah the comedy story she quit there to do taxes and to fucking do the Starbucks then she didn't like that so she flew over to the

Disney Center whatever fuck she works okay and that's how that's what she does but I could tell last night as I was leaving her poor little eyes she was fucking whacked bro well you've said it a bunch of times like she didn't expect a kid in like this is a happy no no she didn't expect that she'd expect nothing nothing this is a this is her you know this is her whole life guys yeah do you think she's gonna last six months no no I think she'll go to the summer and get the fuck out of dodge yeah you know we're gonna see what happens before we make a move or whatever we're taking you to Vegas Lee and we're taking you to

Nashville it's over let's do it we're going for fucking there's nothing and there's nothing for me here but I had some I wanted to get your opinion on something something happened to me last night that I think you've probably been on both sides of and it made me feel bad but I feel like I did the right thing I when I went to Vegas I took a lot of money out cuz they they they charge you to take money out at the ATMs in Vegas and I actually came back on top so I had some money on me and I wanted to go return it last night at the ATM and when I got there there's one guy at the ATM and for some reason I didn't like him so

I waited in my car and I saw him he walked up and he did the thing on my door handle and passenger side he looked in I said this isn't your car he's a good and then he walked in and got in another car and he just sat there with his buddies and I sat there for like five ten minutes just waiting for them to leave and they didn't leave and I I had a weird feeling and I didn't I didn't go to the ATM and I'm asking you this because like I went to school in Boston and I never got mugged or anything but like you try to be aware of things and I'm sure nothing would have happened with this guy but like I felt like less of a

man like I felt like why didn't I just get out of the car like why am I being afraid of of some people in a car like like has that ever had like have you ever been mugged? I when I lived when my mother first had the dry clean and the Bronx yeah I was about six or seven yeah and I would go up there on Saturdays and one day I was at a toy store yeah and I had $20 in my hand now in those days for a seven-year-old to have a $20 on a fucking bill yeah was like rare they having a hundred now yeah and I had the 20 in my hand like a fucking Momo with a top stuck out yeah see it was a 20 and there used to be gangs in those days

there's a documentary on gangs now about the Royal Javelins and the ghetto brothers and I think it was the Royal Javelins chased me but I was fucking lightning quick in those days and I would jump through fences and I knew all the paths to the Bronx in the back of the dry cleaner yeah but that's the only time but one time in Sacramento not Sacramento one of those towns up north after a show yeah they want to lure me into a car and the promoter was like don't go with those guys different things Lee it doesn't make you half a man you know what stresses me out and I hate to say on a fucking podcast sometimes

when I see a midget sometimes I see a midget I'm ain't laughing why because I don't know maybe they want to fight me what do you do you have to kick them you know you know I'm barren that is to go to jail for kicking a fucking midget if you go crazy or something like that I have fears and dilemmas too there's certain people I see that you feel like you're a porcupine you have to put your spikes up when I see those people I don't want I don't want to be around it's yeah I mean this person you did the right thing you grew up in the city too and I just like I never understand like sometimes people people get mugged and

it's not their fault first of all you never put money into a fucking ATM hold down to it till the next day and spend it because you will never have in the week you got money to leave no why not why not because you're gonna put don't put money back of ATM you put checks into a fucking ATM don't waste your time at 9 o'clock you know that you're a van eyes you you're a block away with four blocks away from hell yeah like they look a fucking lady on fire a couple months ago the bus stop up there you know the black lady the homeless lady don't fuck around on van eyes you told me that they hookers up here oh yeah they don't

fuck around there's a fucked up neighborhood you pull up this if I pull up to a 7-eleven and I see three or four people I'm not Clint Eastwood I'm not gonna gun it out with nobody you just know you know through body language I know body language because I used to have that body language yeah so I know how you move I know what you're looking at I could tell by somebody what they're looking at you know it's a split second yeah or I tell my wife all the fucking time my wife will open up a purse to get a coupon and turn and look that's split second a guy like me can pop your fucking wallet out of your purse or your

iPhone or whatever the fuck you got yeah situations like that that you have a brain fart that somebody could take fucking over that's why you have to listen to Pink Floyd fucking dogs every day you got to be crazy you gotta have a fucking real need you got to sleep on your fucking toes you got to watch this hey you got a fucking watch why do you think at the age of 19 I stopped drinking on New Year's Eve because you got a fucking watch yeah I don't turn my back to a fucking door I don't do nothing like that you know you got cash in your fucking pocket you're on double alert if you put two gold chains on like

half these momos after 11 you're taking a fucking chance yeah the right thing don't ever feel like less of a man because you avoided the situation yeah you're not in business to you know it just felt like it felt weird and like I mean I grew up in Boston I wouldn't have a feeling you had a feeling within your fucking balls listen your stomach don't lie to you yeah your feelings don't your initial fucking feeling is all that matters it's what pisses me off about people that's why people are saying what the fuck that's funny because that was your initial fucking thought you're sitting around with four people it's

that thing the Grammys whatever it was a couple weeks ago Mrs. Obama comes on and you're like damn Mrs. Obama is looking fucking good that's the first thought that comes to your fucking mind that's what people want to hear from you yeah that's the thought that when people hear from you they go wow this guy is real if you let that thought come out wow I would suck Mrs. Obama's pussy you know that thought that goes through your mind like something like that I'm just making something up here guys don't take me literally but that's that's what's funny about people because that's the heartbeat of your fucking mind that's

the words that are coming out of your soul that's why it pisses me off you're sitting in a fucking car right I mean come on let's be honest here you're sitting in a fucking car and you see fucking superfly some black guy and the thing swiping the card make believe he hits a fucking doorknob you know in the back of your mind look at this fucking nigga he's gonna rob me I mean that's a fucking truth I'm not racist I'm just telling you how the fuck that's what your mind says to you yeah that's what your mind says to you after 10 o'clock at night I'm not being offensive to black man I'm just telling you the fucking

truth that's the shit that people want to hear and when we hear that from ourselves it scares us it fucking is always killing me it scares us because that's what we don't want to hear that's what society doesn't want to hear yeah but that's what we think who the fuck are you kid last night I was at the storyteller show doesn't bother me but this guy said something about so I'm driving in LA and there's a young Mexican boy and people laughed young Mexican criminal and people laugh don't that little circle of people have a little bit of racism and I'm not Mexican it don't affect me but that's the same

type of fucking thing it's it's very hard to laugh at that's the first voice in your head yeah I used to hang out with a kid that used to narrate life and we'd be walking some guy be walking with a fucking club before you go look at me at a rough night you know it's something he always fucking had little things to say so after hanging out with him for all those years when I still lived in Boulder it would say the same shit you know I'd see a guy with long hair look at this filthy fuck you know I see a chick with a missing eye look at somebody gangbanger in the eyeball there's always something that that initial thing

that's what funny is so okay when you get that people whatever fucking gut feeling you have just go with it your gut never lies yeah that happens a lot fuck yeah fuck yeah what's that biggie shit you're gonna play for me fat man alert fat man alert it's fucking Wednesday count your calories but if you don't count them who gives a fuck biggie smaller than count fucking calories uh uh it's Wednesday motherfuckers watch that pussy like I said I'm toward the dreams of dreams you got to get out there and fucking do something today get a gun I don't give a fuck just don't shoot nobody with it you're gonna rob

somebody I don't get mad at you what the fuck so I got a suitcase with a box of diamonds in it the economy's bad you put a gun to his head take the diamonds only get shot this guy's gonna get his insurance back everybody makes their fucking muscle about the guy got a little through seeking the back of the club sipping my way is where you'll find me roll that number Lee you know what time it is what time it's time for a new fucking number Jesus you brought a lot of them today I'm telling you I brought a g-bow I'm like I was telling you oh shit why blow up my spot what we both got check it oh shit

this fucking joint make him put this up your ass home just leave it there for like a year and then you gotta rest and you pull it out the fucking cell tremendous did you ever do that with anything when you got arrested fucking kidding me no I never know I didn't mean to join but like they don't know if you hit anything up there no but this people stick 22s up their ass and shit with silences and hats I feel bad like I puncture a kidney or something like that do you ever like eat a whole bag of coke or nothing like that nothing like they said they have in the movies you know what man when I got locked up I

fucked around a few times but I saw the people that were getting high and getting caught cuz they're gonna catch it gonna p-test you oh yeah the state automatically does three p-test today at that time so every fucking couple day every day they come knock on your door now some days you had a it was by the state and some days you had the staff pick okay and you know all those eight months I was in there I walked this in line I never got picked the fucking do a p-test oh geez what we talked about the other I took a test to be the attorney and when I got pretty was talking about the San Diego that you

know were you asking me what I did and I told you that it was easy that first I became the baker and after I became the baker they didn't really fuck with me no more because I had this I was the stock clerk and I used to hide the drugs for people steroids and heroin and speed and my thing under the crates okay and I never brought the dogs back there the state would come around with dogs once a month or something it was fucking crazy but I learned the other side of it I learned about what people do when they when they're addicted like this is what they'll do this is the extremes that they'll go it's funny I told the story

about the cat me getting off the blow but I had to rewrite it over the weekend why back in Tennessee just so it could be sharp you know sometimes you rewrite a story out on paper you look at it you make little corrections on the story I would never do that three years ago now that we're fucking rock and roll and I gotta look over everything so and just looking over I thought about that last year me getting high and I get all these emails from people that you know we helped with their addiction or whatever and it's so weird how man I was there I remember how bad I was Lee I remember that you couldn't count on me Lee as a

human being and even though I loved what I did as a comic and I loved all this shit that I loved the drugs fucking more I like that fear and the last five years the drug was uncomfortably it wasn't like I was having a good time when I was getting high I would go to a place of not anger but I would go to a place of like frustration because I didn't want to get high anymore I just didn't fucking want to get high no more but I didn't I still need to go out there and get that 60 piece you know $60 piece you know twice a night now you just did the the opening with already for one of his podcasts right and this kid the kid

he had on did heroin for like a year and a half it wasn't nearly as long as you did drugs but the way he described it was that he didn't he took the drugs at the at what at the worst points not to get high but he felt like to feel normal like it wasn't even like like he had to take it to feel normal instead of trying to get high is that was that like was that what was happening like you just like you didn't know because I didn't do it in the daytime I did it and I know I felt fucking normal I felt normal I just felt I didn't feel normal I felt that I like you I was missing out on something by doing this okay time to

quit like what the fuck am I doing but on the other hand I also felt that if I quit I wouldn't be funny anymore on stage it would take that craziness and that edge off me it's funny that way before I got high guys I was fucking crazy yeah like I'm a kid saying you fucking crazy how you talking shit like that you're crazy so I knew for those standards I took one to take a chance mm-hmm and man when you're addicted whether it's oxy-cottons and the opiates on my heart goes out to have never been addicted to opiates I wasn't addicted to blow anymore was addicted to the action okay one day I didn't need the action

no more sometimes you need action in your life I'm an action guy you know an action is lead doing something making something happen at night instead of writing a joke that's action you know I've been reading the Stephen King book this is the second time and he fucking it's amazing that this is Stephen King I understand why people come to me and ask me questions about comedy and sometimes I get insulted because I'm like why they ask me I'm a loser you know ask fucking cat Williams or ask a real strategic comic the people that the books that you read about artists you want to read about the struggle okay and I like reading

about the struggle but I also want to read about this point of view and this point of view is almost as bad as I am Stephen King is a fucking savage he really fucking is he really an animal when you read on writing this guy is a fucking animal you know he talks about his drug use and he talks about his mind and how he's a stoner at like and he really he makes me feel okay because I know I'm okay you know he says he talks about you does that one spot in the house where you like reading a book it's like a chair he describes it and he describes you what you like to read he talks about what you should be writing a

day like if you don't do this you're a fucking loser so your reading is going you're right he's like if you don't write let's say a thousand words a day you're wasting your time you should read write a book he says he wrote a book in a week one time why he wrote another book in three fucking months you know this guy sets a work standard for people that is amazing you know I listen to the London real podcast I got pissed at those guys because they keep retweeting to people like you know Doug Stanhope retweet Doug's got his own fucking problem he's not gonna retweet a fucking podcast I love Doug don't be

bothering people with that shit but I had a great time with him you came that day so fucking stoned I got all weak and I'm like what did I say on that fucking podcast I know I went off on Hindus and the fucking the other I only remember like halfway in I was talking about the fucking yoga guy that got caught for sexual abuse with the sauna yoga and I love yoga and I love Hindus but that guy's a filthy fucking freaky fucking Hindu he's like a like a Hindu Sandusky fucking these weak white chicks that they go in their yoga is great and you know only if you ever go to yoga in Hollywood you'll see it you'll see that

it's like oh my god you have to go see Marisha Lisa yeah you know it's like a white dude with a beard that was raised in Kentucky with a suntan he's like he studied in India this guy the only India he went to his Ron he was fucking restaurant in the backyard they do yoga there on Tuesdays and you know these fucking people bite into it and you look at these people you know what why don't you go do some fucking heroin you really need that shit you believe it's them oh he says and these guys are in their barefoot with those Hindu feet curries coming out of them that fucking Shashiiba juice and all that shit they

eats coming out of them and then the heats up to 150 they're sweating that goat fucking nutball and there's these white chicks that come from family and welfare and they go down and put their fucking lips on that Hindus dick stem and they suck the guys dick to learn how to fucking do downward dog are you fucking crazy oh he changed my life get your fucking shit together Lee what the fuck we're talking here what's happening brother nothing man everything you want to smoke some more dope you think it's time no sure what time is it 6 30 what are you staring at no it's saying I think it's saying someone called but

you didn't ring it also freak me I'm just weird yeah they did call look what time is put the fucking volume on it is on then if they call here we go yeah what's up player what's up is my boy over here telling Lee you just called a couple minutes ago right yeah fucking Lee said the phone didn't ring it we got a knife right here I swear to God you didn't eat the edible the other day and now you're saying my man for fucking stab you what's happening baby what's up man up right now you sound fucking good Felipe sparser on the fucking phone one of my soldiers and shit what's happening baby talk to uncle Joey

just waking up right now man did you have some early did you have some coffee no just tea I'm a ride of coffee all right do you drink coffee still in jeep and what else the jeep and oh you do the jeep and to yeah you bad motherfucker what's going on your life talk to you still a vegan yeah I'm still a vegan 100% talk to you're the only Mexican in history that's a fucking vegan you follow me I know man I'm starting out now you ain't selling out you're setting the standards they don't have to be you see these fuck some of these Mexicans go to zoom but nothing's happening nothing's I don't like another Mexican can't

really drink milk that way they were always shitting ourselves are you serious they can't run into the bathroom you can't drink fucking milk you could drink milk you fuck well you have any Mexican ask them they cannot go through the glass of milk without running to the bathroom and shitting myself in five minutes huh that's fucking we know Gary is not part of our system man it never was it never will be well that must be somebody else that puts cheese on their fucking burritos oh man we're always shitting us oh I love cheese I love fucking cheese in this fucking burritos but I'm well heist man well I grew up

beating cheese burrito but still $2.50 man refried beans with lard extra cheese forget about it man I love it there's a place over here what's the big Tonys on Riverside across from Rouse and Coldwater oh my god fucking Felipe they make a bean and cheese burrito they put pico and a couple slices of avocado on that motherfucker god damn you going there you smoke a fucking number I love it I love it they put a piece of chicken on a better salad you don't eat chicken either no man I do eat I don't eat no no meat before not only no meat I don't eat no bacon no fat man I want to fat people I'm a fat vegan man do you eat

turkey bacon I don't know all right enough he was meeting it man I got sick like two years ago for me but like I was low-carbon you know to lose weight you know we're trying to and then I got constipated and I had hemorrhoids my first hemorrhoid was like two years ago bleeding out of my ass I remember my first hemorrhoid I met him in the 6th grade I still got a cop second listen I gotta talk to you about something when I watch you stand up the one thing I admire your body I admire your character on stage but I've always admired your writing you know I've always fucking admired your writing you've always been

a good writer you know and I'm reading the Stephen King book on writing and he talks about how you know for a novel and in a sense that you should write 10,000 words a day or a thousand words a day how much writing do you do a day Philippe and you still go to a coffee shop and get high with your computer and cut see remember those days I used to do that I used to be over there it's over Lake you know going through my my laptop just looking at everybody else like screenplays and I was just trying to find girl on my face and used to cut CDs and sell them at the fucking improv and now you didn't give a fuck Jack like

a doctor he go down there do a guest set and I leave and he'd have fucking CDs outside homemade with stickers and fucking old photos he didn't give a fuck no case no nothing how I fucking cut people will call me up to go Philippe can you do this gig and I'd be like how would it cost some of the pay 50 bucks okay I'll be there an hour and then I'll be burning like 10 CDs in one hour then I'll rush to the gig and sign up for $10 each make a hundred dollars and expand on the way home I remember that fucking you used to sell CDs right outside right outside fucking the improv it was something that I never seen

before because you usually see that on the road you know people do it on the road but not in town only like Darren Carter a couple hustlers and you a fucking hustler dog you're fucking you're the last of the Mohicans have you read this book place uh whatever his name is Stephen King on writing for you gotta read it bro you know why you got a guy's like you have to read this cuz you realize there ain't fucking nothing wrong with you Felipe this guy's crazy than us Felipe crazy talks about doing blow for days and writing books can you imagine Felipe me and you doing blow in a room and writing fucking books about

Mexican getting chased with fucking are you fucking kidding me that's where your imagination comes from I never thought about it that way it makes me want to go fucking get a gram and write a book I wrote um I wrote I used to write a lot when I used to do math when I used to live over there and I'm frog town where immediately by remember immediately better okay I don't know why but I was too like I do like two lines and I just thought writing like apologies I used to do coke until I was a mathematician dog that was the worst oh my god and then you wake up in the morning like what the fuck's wrong with me I ain't ever

right I can't say that I still owe that bitch $180 and shit I can't believe how much money I probably still owe there and people like that motherfuckers in movies he still owes me $48 I still know my father like $11,000 just in gambling does he ever try to call you get the big oh hell no man she might there's a gangster man my dad man he tried he got this big old settlement for years man like he heard his back when I was a kid and he got fucked by a lawyer fuck the money he blamed that shit on me man because he might not ever speak no English he still doesn't speak English he's been taking me along to

translate his whole life so I'm here to translate for a lawyer when I was like 15 and my dad finally got the money you know and he put the rent off you should write a bit about this fucking funny how we grew up translators yeah bro I'll know 11 years old I was my mother's fucking I was my mind you know and it's funny because they all spoke Spanish to something legal happened then they lost to Spanish like they didn't know how to speak English no more I'd have to cut school my mother would take me to Sam DeLuca's fucking office and she'd play fucking stupid and he fucking lay it on me and then she lay it on me in Spanish

and I lay it back on him I'll never forget those days there's a criminal interpreter for my mother and shit like that fucking tremendous I know my mother's a baby go collect her Avon money remember fucking Avon how big it was who the fuck buys a huge it's still fucking huge I used to have I used to have the cologne in the car a glass car that had wheels on it and you put after shave you go you were fucking 10 after cream and you know what is funny like my mind everybody pays to my mom the director name on the page loop nine fire engine red lipstick yeah fucking Avon they used to have a book

but you know I sold Avon when I went to Catholic school they made you sell Avon those fucking Catholic churches were fucking evil in those days you had to bring them home for your mother and come back with an order or they tell you take the fucking book back I ain't kidding your lead they're worse than the fucking juice to make me put those Avon books on my friends lockers in high school I'm telling you they're fucking brutal what's the company that they win the pink car there's a different company that they win a pink car Lady K K that's Lady K K K

Lady K K K oh no Carrie K what the weather Mary K with the Mary K the Mary K the fucking gangsters they're like 70 years old they recruited fucking like Denny's and shit you see him there in the afternoon if you sell this yeah I used to I remember them bolder for something for like six months I got attacked about selling Amway they were like Jehovah Witnesses broke and we meet for coffee have an opportunity you meet them and it's a fucking where what kind of t-shirt do you wear is it cotton what type of tree you have amways and Charlie what the fuck you took me to Coco to talk about

fucking Amway I'm embarrassed enough being at this fucking shit restaurant they always taking a shit restaurant it's like Applebee's come on have a steak Applebee's I'm gonna shit blood for fucking eight hours yeah my mom pretty much every immigrant mom that you know immigrant mom has sold that I'm shocked leave every shock to eat a vitamins herbal life crystal promotions and man man we should go sweet yourself pillows man I'll fuck the poor you want man I tell you what man latin's like health products if you put on tell me no or you put on whatever for a little while the chick who watches the baby always turns

on telemundo and even in the afternoon they're selling the health you know you too can live to your 90 drink this and they show ladies real well they show this fat Mexican woman in front of King Taco eating like six tacos then they show like eight months later at the gym she lost weight that never happens you know I always watch those Mexican women working out the fucking gym they go to the gym got on the bike for 10 minutes and they're thinking about food nine none of those fucking minutes and they get up they drink some water they sit they wait for the friend and then they leave and they fucking go to King Taco

and kill that motherfucker the fuck are we talking about that day I was on a buy that and that's a big thing in the Latino market La Faja Machica you know what's up oh that's La Faja that's the fucking belt to hide their fat a little bit it's amazing spakes will fucking buy anything I love them though what's going on with you baby what's been happening where you're going what are you doing talk to me I'm going to Yakima Yakima Washington the Palm Spring a fucking watch what is that this Friday this Friday you're going to Yakima and where you at next week next week I'll be at crackers in Indianapolis April 17th through

April 20th and then in May Utah and Pleasanton which where we're in Utah Salt Lake City why the guys yes I'm going to I'm going in June yeah I can't fucking wait June 14 I'm going to fucking see the Mormons and see what's going on I'm gonna make believe I'm like the eighth husband and sling some dick or something I never ate more than pussy it must taste like fucking Coca-Cola some shit don't the Mormons on Coca-Cola look at Lee giggling over there when I talk about eating pussy you savage motherfucker went to Vegas and even fuck a transvestite up and nothing what the fuck is wrong with you Lee you

would have fucking transvestite up you would have been like that chicken you ever see anyway what else beautiful talk to me Felipe I know you're 30 years you call over here you're talking about Lamar Lafaha Mike I talked to me your fuck what are you doing today today I'm gonna move man to Glendale that's a good fucking name you got the Armenians you got fucking portals you got the big and fat and tall store by the mall I like that big and fat and tall store Glendale nothing wrong with the fucking Armenians brother nothing wrong you know as

long as you're moving ahead I like what you're doing you're looking good the man is just still looking good and hopefully we'll go to a dodger game we're gonna try to go last week I couldn't get you know my uncle is sick my uncle's like 76 bro and you can't get a hold of him in the daytime and I guarantee he's fucking somebody every day that's how perverted he is he don't give a fuck you know he's good they told him he's got something wrong with like his asshole like he needs like what's at the prostate he told my cousin that he was gonna see a santeria doctor and take it away he refuses to go to the doctor for

treatment and he's out there slinging dick till fucking whatever happens happens 76 Felipe I'm 50 I don't want to fuck nobody 76 I like my dad man my dad he's like he lives in like this senior home with a player in there he must be like the youngest guy in there he's always a different woman all the time I remember around and he's always my father always been a player man I don't know how he could be a player with seven fucking kids but he managed that shit I remember man I was in the morongo casino just fucking around with $60 with Willie Barsena and Gabriel Iglesias man and we and Willie

Barsena sees my dad with another woman and you know how Willie is brought he does your fucking dad bro and like that sees me soon as the first thing he said he goes son this is my this is my friend and she was paying for everything that's fucking crazy bro that is fucking crazy Felipe I don't know what else to tell you cocksucker you made my day by calling you always make my day when you call me we always talk once a week about something stupid we talk about what's going on who sucks dick and then we get off the phone we go on with our lives and shit but we're going to a dodger game I talked to Joy last night he says I

got a friend bro that comes to all these shows that he does parents do something for the Dodgers and he tells me just pick a game and I always forget he's like picking and I told him last night well me and Felipe goes just tell me bro I'll take you motherfuckers to a dodger game so we got a fucking call inside we'll bring the cam and do a little video and we'll go over they get stoned eat an edible Felipe I'm getting stoned every fucking day on those edibles I finally figured out why I'm not losing no weight it's the fucking edibles it's the edibles I haven't been counting those points it's like ten points a day of

fucking edibles I got to stay on the fucking elliptical and extra two fucking hours to burn from it but I get so fucking high on the edibles Felipe the bang chocolates they gave me a fucking vitamin drink the other day that's a about that the vitamin there's a vitamin drink now with a hundred and something fucking milligrams of THC those chibo juice the one I gave Lee the double those those things will fuck you up it tastes like a tootsie roll they will fuck you up so damn I'm just trying to help you out here I really some good edibles at this place like you vegan cheesecakes vegan cheese you don't

think I noticed Lee I'm over here smoking by myself cock sucker this is the third joint like a soldier I'm smoking and this is all 28% shit I love you cock sucker I'll call you later what so you're in Yakima this week and vice salient it next week no Yakima this week and crackers next crackers in Indianapolis next week I gotta type this down because I'm so happy for you man you've come a long long way man you're doing good things you have a little kid man I'm surprised we're fucking alive bro can you fuck tell these motherfuckers no I can't believe it bro I mean I can't believe it like how

how will we how will we come from you know like watching everybody else blow up everybody everybody was getting fat all these years we're over here people with people they want to buckle the room people say knock I'm working more and all I can't look for the big fucking ever fucking shows up and then what I was surprised about you man how you could just do blow it and eat a burrito right after I could drink a cup I could drink a fucking cup I could drink two cups of coffee and go to bed I tell the story about drinking the two fucking red bulls and I fucking I could go right to sleep that shit I remember you being

the car with me that night you give me a ride I never forget that Felipe and I took a bag of coke on I was crushing it with my fingers and you were driving and I put the dollar bill and did the whole 60 while I was talking to you and I'm looking at me going do you have a line for me and I go I did it already why don't you tell me you want to say look at me and this is to tell you people I was fucked up I was fucked up what the fuck he ate that shit like the little kid that I gave all my nerds candy to hold and then it was all gone it was something that I've never felt so embarrassed in my life because there was

no way I was giving you any there was no fucking way that was any at all the quality of coke and like and you like you just broke it down that day let me tell you man you do coke you break you gotta do it in New York LA Miami Texas once you get to the Midwest that shit been stepped on 35 fucking times and what time you told me you with that fucking visit I want I get you that fucked up shit brother was one time in Iowa that they were giving me speed one time in West Virginia they took me to a trailer in the middle of night they were playing banjos and burning white people these motherfuckers gave me a 20 a speed I was

up for a fucking week man it's fucking crazy what's out there it's crazy the shit I was doing I was playing fucking Russian roulette I was going to Houston Texas had some good motherfucking powder I had like four different Texas Corpus Christi remember that place man the soft border of Texas like El Paso you do a line there and then you go to a line in Oakland for get a party man but you can really say the dealer will tell you this ain't the regular she used to don't drink a sprite so bra I'm telling you down it's El Paso last night we were talking about how the

comedy clubs there's only one comedy club in Houston and I got to be as honest honest as I can with you and you'll agree Felipe we cut our comedy teeth in Texas I gotta give Texas we'll think about it between El Paso Houston the Dallas improv McCallan Corpus Christi and all points out I did most of my fucking teeth cutting in Texas that's the truth yeah me too from which one Brownsville what about the time we went to that place with that kid that he was married he was he was convicted of being a polygamist when you have different wives in different states and this guy was always coked up and the DEA jumped

the club while we were on fucking stage the guy would do an eight ball he gave us both an eight ball he did one he did the eight ball before the night was over and he was the fucking host he was on stage fucking join I had never seen anything like that Corpus Christi the comedy club that had two floors Jenkins Rob Jenkins yeah that fucking freaky motherfucker that was married 18 times as fucking the club got busted 11 fucking I tell you how fucked up is that the guy at the hotel wanted to rape Marilyn nobody ever fucking thought of raping Marilyn she was four hundred fucking pounds he kept knocking on the glass

door jerking off his dick outside the fucking window this is real we live through this shit dude how about oh fuck that how about wow wow West comedy club and Odessa oh please will be fucking empty five people Friday night 20 people Saturday and that guy will still pay you everything in cash but remember the shit the bartender had big tits they all went to federal prison that the guy looked like long hair like a biker but the wife had gigantic beautiful fucking tits oh yeah and you knew that if you went up to him and said have your wife show me a tits he'd be okay show her show him a tits and shit she had big tits

they got locked up I mean all those clubs went to fuck no they didn't even took the host Roman John Roman for a year no they didn't that little retarded boy he's a nice kid he's a nice kid John Roman he's half retarded he comes up they mean you want to what the fuck down Roman talk to me I haven't heard from you fuck you're gonna run a big comedy show in Corpus Christi and on the daytime rides kids around in the train at the mall no he doesn't yes he did this fuck what about the guy we're on a little train inside a mall what about why at that when he's to give us deposits and he canceled a gig this is the

best dog we have this guy for leap or go why at they want you to do a gig with me in Houston he would pay us 500 on deposit then he cancel the gig then he can sell us another five and do another gig and cancel I used to see him and go dog didn't you have any gigs to cancel I'm going broke here how many fucking time I remember one time he goes I'll pay you the 500 right now that's all you need to tell me on a fucking Tuesday I got in that car he was all the way by the airport by the donut you know the donut on the way he's 500 pounds it was two blocks in the fucking yeah yeah and I swear to God he'll fucking do another

truck run to Houston nobody'll show up and he'll pay your fucking cash you don't know how these magicians do it they're magicians that's what I call them and oh and then we used to go to the comic strip and oh past so that fucking hellhole but that's why I got the words way staff ever man but they don't suck your dick you can't lose you know nobody I remember one time on a Sunday night I was finger-banging the waitress she had a bush right there right there while she was serving drinks he came over and I just reached my hand up and started playing with a pussy and she didn't move so I moved about you think I'm fucking

kidding you what do you think I'm fucking kidding your dog that was the crazy another time on New Year's I fucked a chick on the bar bar staff on the on his desk in his office 69 with this girl was beautiful I took her outside and already I fucked her and ate her pussy so I'm talking I'm mingling with other people on New Year's right the world and then it was like white 2k or whatever this chick was hot but one of the wait staff was making moves on the she was already fucking drunk we had already 69 the whole fucking thing on the floor he's outside making out with about a fucking ATM machine what's the

host what's the big-time comic in El Paso he's like it whenever you know who I'm talking about I don't know what his fucking name no no no no no Paso he was like the what you know Paso comic strip he was like the big-time party no no that's the owner but there was a comedian down there that was like the hot comic for the last 18 years he never came up like every time you go to George George Ramirez George George fucking was hitting on this chick was banging I mean I just happened to swooper as she came out of the bathroom she would have fucked anybody every night I was nothing special trust me she was just a quarter

at that right time I told her she was beautiful we started swapping spin I swear to God we were in a little office 69 it was fucking sharp pussy was perfect to she gave me a number she never answered after that she must have fucking went to therapy but that same night I was I'm leaving she's outside making out with George Ramirez after I shot a fucking low no mountain would have killed the fucking it would have killed anybody and he's out there coming it up with a with a weird look on his fucking face we love when I was a waitress they used to work at a castle she moved to Houston I

think buddy the big kids all that chick had good card she showed up to you know the Houston and then like she was sure she had a brand new boobs right she was like a fool now she could tell that she didn't know for two days right she had a look like I'm going up for two days you want to party she was beautiful asshole beautiful and she was fucking party it out and I remember like she said she says she was on your body and it's a bit over she had a dog I swear to God dog she had shit in her underwear yeah she was a nasty bitch but she would deliver coke and suck your dick bro I thought shit but she didn't lay it down

yeah this chick would deliver coke for a boyfriend but suck your dick no I'm telling you I would either ass no I wouldn't have eaten your ass I would eat a pussy I just would have put a cup on the block I would have blocked the muffler and told her to wash that let me tell you something that girl used to deliver coke for her boyfriend and while she was there she'd do a line with you and suck your dick and then get in the car and leave she was great beautiful her face was fucking beautiful big fat fucking titties I'm telling you guys tell me no past that dude that bar used to hire that Asian girl boy for just to

beat up customers you know I don't remember that fucking little dick no that oh that the state the last chick standing in El Paso she had that one boy for that was crazy she was like Asian she was Asian oh yeah she's a little fool oh yeah yeah she's so cold too she do it again boy for it bro those people in El Paso I remember taking a girl home on a Wednesday on Friday she came back with her husband this is crazy this was fucking crazy El Paso and Houston Houston was just as fucking crazy before the flood took that hotel down that hotel or where they used to put you that hotel as soon as you checked

in bro you could go home take a shower and lay on the bed and get a gram of coke somebody would knock on your door offering you a blowjob or looking for a beer or looking for Owen papers it was amazing it was fucking amazing you didn't need to do anything fuck going on the Houston was great and it's a shame but I'm really proud of those guys down in Houston I tell you why Felipe I was looking at the charts the other day the whiskey brothers podcast is number 171 the other day these are three fucking guys from Houston that even though they don't have the clubs they've stuck on to that fucking podcast and they make it

happen I know people are doing a podcast for ten years and can't do nothing with it so I'm really proud of those guys in a way I just bumped into one of the old Houston guys last night Matt tremendous down at the Comedy Central taping and we talked about our good old days in Houston when fucking Felipe was ordering spoons from room service oh yeah Felipe fucking he broke he broke rich you broke Rick James's record you ordered six spoons and two fucking hours held by Rick James circa 1973 Buffalo New York no bro I have raw heat but he didn't have a hell of a mouth right there with him though who he didn't have

that half that move that chick they used to work in a pastel who had a penis yes she had a dick and what was her name Nikki and you call the tricky that's called a dickie dick and she had a little clip with a dick over it oh little 12-year-old little pee pee and she had a pussy right next to it I will forget how much blow I was doing and I really had fucked up father and wait you know it used to the history and then she laughed and then the other one came and then like I put her source down in a way but no in the jacuzzi put about a whole room was running already and that she had a little peanut showed up with

a little tiny one right it went into her pussy and I was like what the fuck remember remember Johnny Wayne what was his name Billy Ray Billy Wayne Billy Wayne he ended up marrying the girl that was fucking hot that chick had big yeah Rachel Rachel oh my god yeah he's too fucking sleeping in the green room yeah bro that dude used to sleep and he pulled off he loved Rachel he loved her and he stuck it out hey that's why you love a woman you thought you stuck it on with her and this Rachel was a big turd girl from Midland like five foot fucking ten or a hundred and sixty five pounds of all taxes fucking white meat

you could tell she had big tits with those big allele olas you know like when the tits are big but the allele olas are just as big when they just lay there tremendous she was banging she picked me up once in the airport and I was coming along she was a real long and I was coming down off a coke bin and she picked me up at the airport and that was the first time I ever thought about tackling somebody like just tackling off the road fucking a killing and leaving there off the fucking you were digging all dealt up bird oh my god she was banging I mean she was fucking tremendous Philippe we got to make a move

for it you know I love you cocksucker I'm happy you called and I want you to keep calling them thinking what the fuck Philippe again I said I he's always out of town but for me I know you'll wake up early you know I love you and your wife and the boy and we're gonna do a dodger game all right and I'll let you know when I'm gonna baptize the babies you come we eat some fuck all right I love you buddy thank you say goodbye flying you bye Philippe all right what's up cocksucker what's up Leo what's happening what's we kicking my back the girl with the clip oh my god you wouldn't fucking believe that that

was crazy we can't it's crazy these are endless endless these stories about Houston and El Paso and fucking Austin this is in every city yeah aren't you in Austin in like the next month or two first time in Miami in two fucking weeks and as usual let me tell you something so Tuesday Monday I'm telling you this strong bone is working Monday I went back to kickboxing after a week okay the eight o'clock class and there was only six people in the fucking class but I was like it was me and somebody else that been going so they made me do the warm-ups I did the warm-ups he came your new guy worked at the new guy he

made me teach him how to kick I taught him how to kick but I had to keep spinning my fucking heel again and I kept doing it when you draw a roundhouse kick yeah you got a spin on the ball at your fucking foot okay you know if you don't you'll tell you fucking me who eventually you'll tell me this kiss or you'll do something I I went and you know what my cardio was on the money on Monday I was very surprised it was a late workout and then yesterday I had a big day I go acupuncture I had to go to fucking the ear doctor and I had to get a work out and because when I do a show like that I want to work out so I could think about

the material and think about this order and I let you know some time yeah I gotta tell you Lee I went on that fucking elliptical I hit 30 minutes for the first time oh my goal was 26 minutes okay yeah 26 and one minute of the warm up and I was out of there but you know what Lee I was really proud and then I hit the bag for 30 minutes the fucking shirt still smells it was dry last night when I finally got home I went over that too but the strong bone really takes that pain away from my joints I used to get my feet like if I want to jump rope or something you know jumping rope five minutes of jumping rope they say is

equal to 20 minutes of jogging oh you're a fat fuck you don't really want to jog you know because you'll have pain in your feet but if you jump rope even if you want to eliminate that pain and still get that aerobic workout please do me a favor go to honet.com they got some great fucking shit get the strong bone I couldn't fucking tell you enough get the fucking head protein you know learn how to eat a little better listen I ain't losing weight because I don't want to lose weight I'm eating these fucking edibles and they make me hungry a lot of yesterday I was down to the point I ate two salads and I went to that show

with Ari and ended up eating two slices of fucking pizza because I was so high from the edible I wanted to come down sometimes you gotta trim the fucking fat off tonight I'm going to Roscos to do comedy I wanted you to come again because Roscos is an orange with George Perez I love their fucking sandwiches oh they got sandwiches real healthy meat like you know nice cut turkey nice cut tuna salad have an albacore so what I do when I go down I get the albacore in a cup and I eliminate the bread you like tuna too I love tuna out of a fucking cup I had some a ropes yesterday in Hollywood I was hungry

and I went and got just some tuna did the can of tuna no I get the herb tuna whatever I listen like I ain't no fucking Johnny bodybuilders I ain't eating that fucking to mercury by itself you gotta add some fucking mayonnaise to that fucking Merck what's music you got from you know fucking Lee Lee oh shit there's one of my all-time favorite jams golden mother fucking airing 1983 the twilight is there's base kick with wiggle from the joy of it oh shit the beautiful day to be alive motherfuckers the church of what's happening now get up get out there live get that fuck the one-hands fuck Google go out

there and just knock on doors telling me need a fucking job your baby needs to eat your wife needs a present she wants to show you the monkey but she can't let her fucking paycheck it's a beautiful day cocksucker be Jewish do something no oh shit I was thinking about something yeah you know with the Django I'm a hypocrite sometimes okay with Django and chain like I got mad because people are saying that there was they said the word nigga too much in the movie uh-huh and it wasn't black people complain it was white people look at these fucking sacks of shit but then you and I have had this discussion

before how in all our lives you've heard me say some rude shit not because I'm a rude person because I have no filter but you've never heard me make a reference about Hitler okay I don't like Hitler and what I tell you what if a fucking Anglo makes a Hitler joke I get it but when a Jew makes a Hitler joke I want to stab myself in the fucking heart Lee I can't and we've had it yeah one more call coming in what the fuck is his call day today what is this shit who's this who don't be calling me only credit is calling me Jose cocksucker state your claim what's up little brother I'm cigar on the fucking phone last night kill

that the story tell his show I cheaters I almost fell off that fucking stage I did have a lot of fun last night I let you were black oh you were a fucking black I was happy that you took the story where it went because the other three half of fags were talking about like weed and cookies we had a break out the heavy-duty shit yeah we brought out we brought out the fucking sledgehammer for our drug stories heroin you almost all deed when you and it's tough to hear you say that story it kills me that's the shit that used to kill me when I see a decent yeah I have an accident with drugs I expect that from idiots like me

that you know somebody comes up to you says Joey Diaz ate a cheeseburger did an abel and he said you don't see the sign I you'd say I could see that but if somebody said Tom Segura drank a bunch of MGH and passed out I don't see that you know so there was more going on in your life at that time how are you Tommy I'm gonna do it brother oh I love you Tommy buns you're one of the few people I'm a real real fan of on the stage and off the stage you know you're a you're a treat to be you make me feel warm like when I see you I know I'm gonna be all right like last night I was surrounded with fucking Gentiles you know all

these people looking to fucking the right or warrant for me but once I saw you I knew I could just I went by the chicken I tore up that fucking chicken those little chicken wings dad they had like a pollo loco those wings I must 885 with them I was so fuck hi was a hi I saw you when I first got there I was like I sit that made you made me feel like relax as soon as I saw you and I saw you tearing up chicken wings I was like I didn't give it to you all right fuck and I had macaroni and cheese I didn't even know that ain't no rice nothing I just ate like three chicken wings I had a slice of fucking pizza and I drank that

bottle of water but that was a lot of fucking fun I mean you know what man I'm really proud of Ari Shafir oh my god me too man he really he's um he's taken it to the next level with with everything he's it's fun to watch somebody you know to have their career really moving another direction because they just work just work hard at it man and he's done so much hard work and now the you know his standard career has really taken off he worked hard at this and this is taken off like he's gonna have so many great things happening for him all at once and this is if you work on different things and you were you know

when I read the story about how he wrote his special for a year he sat there and yeah you know and that was one of his things like that's one of my things well not writers like you you're a great fucking writer Duncan likes to write a lot but you you're an exception I really like your style of comedy and I admire that I admire that because I never had that's what I admire about comedy when I hate when somebody goes I've been writing you know I've been writing so much lately then they go up then and do a dirty fucking joke oh that fucking kills me when somebody does a dirty joke that's what Joey Diaz does

you wrote you sat down look at his chick over here in room apartment 56 he's banging Lee she got some big fucking titties you never told me about it she's leaving the house at 7 30 or boyfriend just left that means she's taking a shower right now washing that old sperm out of pussy right now's when you knock over there's the milkman Lee with your little hat on look at Lisa yeah cut second what was I talking about good comedy anyway fucking no no no it's true how I admire writers because like right now I'm reading Stephen King on writing for the second fucking time because of all the drugs I did I got no comprehension

so I got to read everything twice and he's blown my mind this time on the plane he was blowing my mind with talking about what you need to write a day you need to write a thousand words a day and he was talking about if you're not doing that to take a take he writes it and he you know I admire people who are honest with you you know yeah when we do nothing bothers me more when I see a guy teaching a comedy class that never did the work to teach a comedy class just because he got a couple credits in a TV show doesn't mean he worked as a comic yeah and you're passing bad vibes on you know for you to teach a comedy

class I want you to be versed in stand-up something I'm not but guys like you are there's a few guys who could do it do you feel like that sometimes Tommy buns oh yeah man I mean I feel like I totally agree first of all I think it's something to people like I got a new bit and you're and you're like you know I just wrote stupid you're like oh cool then they're like you ever notice how that pussy really pops on you it kills me it kills me I wrote a joke for the thing last night that I didn't write that I didn't say on stage last night but to me this is a brilliant joke you ready I hate needles so much I've it's made

like I hate needles you know that like when I go to the doctor I hate fucking true it's true I hate needles my hate for needles is so big that it's made me hate fucking cotton you follow me you know when you go to the needle and they put the cotton on your ass nothing happens nothing good happens after they swipe your ass with that fucking cotton you just feel that prick going into your fucking ass I hate needles so much Tom Segura that I fucking sit there and glare at the cotton balls and I wish I was lying to you like today I gotta go for my weekly shot I sit there when I'm waiting for the doctor I just glare at

the cotton balls you motherfucker that's a well-written joke right there that's a joke that I wish you know I tell a fuck oh the flying Jew over here that when I watched that guy from the family thing host the Oscars who Tom Segura he said one of the most brilliant jokes I've ever heard my life and you're gonna think Joey come on get it together this is what he said he goes the Oscars is being watched by eight million people worldwide that's why in 30 minutes what's the name silence of the lambs Goldie Jody force is gonna come up here and ask for her privacy it's a well-written joke in 30 minutes go you know Jody for

the company and ask for her privacy I admire that that fucking makes my dick hard that's like a fucking joke right there so yeah that that's I don't I mean I wish I had that ability like there's there's people that can bang out just such really well crafted jokes it can be about like like anything you can use you can you can toss them anything and they'll give you set-up punch set-up punch I still have to like you know write more my shit after my I'll overwrite I'll do like you know five minutes a set up for a joke I don't have the that you know discipline with cutting out words that people do that should I do that

I'm a big fan of that I'm a big fan of anybody who I could see I could hear the joke and see them I could see them writing it yeah I could see them like I love watching Lenerman sometimes because that's a quality of jokes that he has on there so I'll tape let him in there tonight you know oh really yeah yeah I'm one of those guys before I leave the house I look to see who's on Conan I look to see who's on let him in the Leno and I look to see who's on Showtime and I tape him and I watch him begging for you if I tape you it's because I want you to make me laugh and I assume you did the work I know the career things I've

done to ruin my career by not doing the work so I assume when somebody offers you a half hour or a spot on Leno that you're gonna clear your fucking schedule and you're gonna put your heart into this and you're gonna write 12 minutes because they're only gonna take six minutes from you but those six minutes are gonna be so I sit there waiting for you like I gotta tell you one of the best performances I've seen I'll let him in one of the table on Leno Chelsea Handler in 2007 when I was still doing blow with 2006 from now I got on and I turned on Leno and she was gonna be on and I taped and I go this is gonna be a

fucking disaster and I went in the bathroom I did the coke I took my shit I looked out the window I jerked off and about 1215 I came out or 1155 I came out to watch Chelsea Handler destroy the fucking tonight show in fact I still remember how close it because I watched the set 80 times how close it was is it okay to drink when you're gonna abort the baby she closed with that on Leno you know I stood so when I turn you on in the middle of night and you suck dick or I hear an old joke that you use on stage three years ago and fucking the old past-hole comic strip or something I shut it off immediately like it doesn't

even go like I'm ashamed that you didn't do the fucking work like that's me cheering for comics that's me cheering for fucking comics so yeah last night was a treat for me because I got to see guys who actually work at their crap not bums like me that just happened to get lucky and mug the hooker and light a wig on fire there's no writing that shit yeah but it's so much fun to watch you know you you say it like the you know the person who writes the stuff down as a treat but then everybody else feels that way about watching you because people want to watch you just go up there and your natural way of doing comedy and

talking and just being hilarious is a treat for everybody else that's they want to see they want to see you well thank you brother no last night I was nervous and you got me nervous and I went up there and I remember I was on the walk up just be you that's you know that's the hardest thing to comprehend in life that's the comprehend when people say to you they just want you to be you and even every day I just want people to be that no tattoos no no earring no disc in your fucking lip like you're an African carrying a bowl of fruit what the fuck one fucking burp back and cold water and you got a little thing in your

lip showing people you care about whales I just want you to be you you know I'm saying that's it I just want people to be you everybody shows up with this gust and fucking glasses on right now I'm to the point where one day you're gonna read and breaking news Joe Diaz just stab somebody in the cheek with their own fucking glasses you know these people that walk around they're dumb as fuck but they put glasses on because they think it's gonna impress somebody and some people are impressed oh my god I love you glad I'm to the point where I can't fucking take it no more I put glasses on cuz I can't fucking see

ever since I stopped doing coke my vision went downhill you understand me I used to be 88 like an eagle now I'm done I can't see nothing fucking I'm still this fuck that I tell you the best the best was on when you were on stage last night just feeling in the room how many people were just happy to see you up there like if they were just so excited that Joey Diaz was up there telling these stories you can see it I looked at these on they got you guys are so geeked out of their minds that you were telling these stories it was fantastic man it was fun to just be in the room well thank you I felt the

same way about you I know the Comedy Central people were looking at me petrified you know I love them but they are the biggest pussies in the fucking history of comedy you know what comedy has no comedy really has no time for pussies did you ever think about that that when you feel like a pussy is a comic comedy has no time for it no yeah there's no time for that man you're a hundred percent right about that you know you ever we were talking about your inner voice we know you're talking about when you're driving down the street and you see a black guy with dreads and a fucking thing and you're like and to

yourself you don't say that loud you've been in the car with your mother but to yourself you look for the son you look at this fucking nigga and also you catch yourself saying that in your lap because you know you're not racist that's the first thing that came to your mind if we all learn to say what first comes out we'd all be so fucking gifted we try to trap that because it doesn't you know in the same thing you see a Mexican with a fucking radio on his ear and you're thinking oh he just rub you know you don't think that he's had a job you don't think nothing like that whether he saw an apple it's something about us it's

just our natural fucking instinct but those are the things that are so funny to bring those on stage that's when you cannot be a put you ever write a joking like I can't say this yeah yeah oh yeah of course and then you're right it we're like you say I can't say this and then you go back and forth which that's right now and then you say it and usually that'll get a crazy reaction and that's what you know you had your doubts about it when you say it it'll explode because because it was your impulse like first thought like you said worth it's a genuine authentic real reaction to something and that's why

it goes well because it's totally true really really is true I love you Thompson girl what we got going on next Tuesday tell these people a story from A to Z or what happened we need these people to come out next Tuesday and why next Tuesday is gonna be awesome we're doing a fundraiser show at flappers comedy club in Burbank for the dog and Christina and I adopted about a month ago now see how flexible is what we named him and he is adorable here's what happened we went to a shelter we adopted this dog this beautiful adorable little Brussels eight-pound dog and he had a cough and they're like oh you

know he's got kettle coughs here's a couple pills he'll be fine we bring him home we don't trust them because they're fucking you know scumbag shelter so we take we take him to the vet and the vet is like now he definitely has them you know a real case of chemical just make sure you take care of it they gave us additional meds we take care of this guy for a week he's not eating so we're hand feeding him yogurt peanut butter just anything to get him to eat a week later he's still he's actually worse after a week Joey so we were totally just not not knowing what to do we go back to the vet they tell us to take him to the

emergency room we take him there and they tell us that he's he's basically at death's door and he's got a 50-50 chance to make it and we are just I mean so broken dude like I mean I'm balling crying and crying like like I've had this dog 10 years at this point and you know it's just it breaks me up so bad and then the thing you're gonna die then the emergency room you know they they take amazing care of them that's also crazy expensive I don't know if you ever put a dog in the hospital but oh my god my friend we shall last year the dog $4,000 two days before Christmas really yeah two thousand four thousand dollars two

days before Chris he had a fly back and take him to a fucking vet he scraped his foot or something they bang yeah they bang yeah what are you gonna do they don't even play you take the fucking dog here's the thing is like when when you're that emotional too like I don't understand how people can this is a dog at that point we had a dog we had days and we're not attached to him there's no way you're gonna say no to whatever they're suggesting to save his life so everything that they say to us like do you want us to get mad and run this test and like yeah man like is that gonna help him yeah do you want us to you know

dude to run this oxygen into him yes of course man I want you to make him live so it just added up added up the the great thing of course is that after five six days in the hospital and all this treatment he started to get better and they could move him from like the their intensive care to the regular care and now he's like 95% better you know he's out of the hospital he's living like a regular dog and we're just the happiest dog parents ever totally loving this guy but that show next Tuesday is just to help pay the hospital bills for a little pioca we adopted and the lineup is insane it's you it is Burt Kreischer it is

Mary Lynn Rice Club Brian Hayner Christina myself and even our little brother red band is gonna join us as well good time it's a flappers they got good chicken wings they got good blue cheese they don't fuck around there they got good pizza they got a couple dishes there I mean they're Christians bring your cross and you're 10% off at the fucking door but as far as as far as the food they don't fuck around there they got nice salads they don't they really really do a good job there so bring an appetite there's gonna be there's gonna be no lineup like that on a Tuesday night and I anyway so if you come by you're

gonna see the amazing show you're gonna see like I said Diaz and Burt everybody and you're gonna support an awesome cause which is this amazing dog that we have there now we're totally in love with anything for you brother I fucking love you to all my heart man you inspire the shit out of me sir girl I love you Dan thank you for having me in the show man you got a number for flappers or anything it's like fucking Burbank it's on the corner Bonnie you got food over there I'm telling you it's a nicely got a pf chance up the corner so bring a date but you know come to the show fucker in the ass if you if you are you go online

if you go to Tom cigarette on a calm you go to my website there's links for the there's a link to buy the ticket or you can go to your mom's house podcast they both have the links and it's April 16th so if you go there you click on the link it has all the information you can buy tickets now and yeah it's 8 p.m. at flappers awesome I love you buddy thank you for calling and have a great day at your house thanks for a lot of it okay what the fuck what are you with us today you don't ask questions you got me over here by myself what did you it's your friends it's Barbara Walters and the number the number for brother

flappers is 818-845-9721 845-9721 again 845-9721 Lee I want to find the clip there I want you to find Godfather to okay ending scene I want you to play I watched this last night is it there's three minutes sound about right three okay let's see what's changed calm okay there at a dinner table yeah that's it I understand 30,000 minute list of this work I just saps I don't have to talk about the war a beep you talk to Carl all right the saps because they risked their lives for strangers all that's pop talking you've got them right that's pop talk the risk the risk their lives for their country

country ain't your blood you remember that I don't feel that way well if you don't feel like that why don't you just quit college and go to go to join the army I did I enlisted in the Marines like you why didn't you come to us me pop had to pull a lot of strings to get your department I didn't ask for it I didn't ask for a deferment I didn't want it come on hey sonny sonny sonny sit man oh you go on sit sit go show call on the tree go show call on a fucking tree that means get the fuck out

well the best scenes any movie a family fucking disgusting a situation something you don't see no more many times he and I talked about your future talk to my father about my future my future Mikey he has high hopes for you well I have my plans for my future he's supposed to say look at the whole way look at his father he goes stupid one last fucking time listen if you haven't seen Lee's been bugging me people been bugging me we're gonna review the godfather to one next week all right okay I know you've been bugging me lately we got to review this because it's time it's time people this is a great fucking movie the ending

of that go show call of the tree that's a code word to fucking disappear I'm about to get my balls licked I'm about to stab this bitch and I don't want you to be a witness something's gonna go down listen let me give some shout out so we get the fuck out of here Lee I got shit to do my wife's going to work Daniel Rodriguez iron Mike constant Constantine the fucking Greek Joel water boxer Frank Westland I love you motherfuckers I love you to all my heart for this and everybody else that's part of the church of what's happening now my girls fucking Jill Himitsu and belief all you crazy motherfuckers

out there it's only gonna get better I love that you people subscribe to this shit if you have any fears you want to quit some get the fuck off it start today's the fucking day you understand me and don't forget Miami West Palm Papano Jacksonville all you motherfuckers down south this is the last time I'm gonna tell you I need your help tickets next Friday I'm gonna be in fucking Miami banana breads gonna be coming out of my fucking pause and the stamina I'm getting out we're going up there I need to do two shows down there I want you to go to South Beach Comedy Festival get yourself a ticket get yourself a ticket

for your fucking sister come down I'm gonna have all North Bergen down there I'm gonna have a Carlos Perez we'll have like a fucking mad flavors will shoot outside afterward we'll be smoking dope we're taking over Miami then we're gonna go to Porta Sagua and fucking eat Cuban food so if you want to be a part of that I'll see you next fucking Friday night in Miami two shows eight and fucking ten we need to add the 10 o'clock to make our mark with what's that thing he says we gotta set our what is he saying scarface we gotta set our marker and then force it oh shit and don't forget to go down if you're gonna

start this little workout routine you want to get things better you want to have color in your eyes you want to smoke up dope you want to go out and party with the big boys go to what the fuck we go on it dot com go to the top box press in church just read about the shit they got maybe just cuz I talked to you about strong bones just for fat people or people with joint problems or knee pain or your elbow or your shoulder hurts I'm done I'm brand fucking knew I hit the bag I did all they might have something else that you might like whether it's the alpha brain that you want to try you want to buy a jump rope

just put fucking church in the fucking top box all right besides that I'm coming to cap city I'm coming to Utah I'm coming to Lexington Kentucky I'm coming bitches I just ain't got that many fucking plane tickets in there relax you know I got a family now I gotta go home and fucking really and I'm looking forward to babysitting today I gotta be honest with you are your baby sitting today yeah I got the kid for a couple hours one is coming she's gonna cook but do some laundry oh shit I want my wife to be confident you know when I come to do the podcast here she's got the kid I got no worries you know I'm

always one of those parents that that I worry I worry about you when you go to Vegas I called you I worry about my friends when they do shit I'm a worry war I worry about my friends that you guys go on nothing bad happens I'm proud that you'll evade the situation I never want something bad to happen to you and I know that you're a sweet guy when you're a sweet guy and you get mugged or something like that happens it changes you man yeah it changes you that's why fucking Charles Bronson started shooting bitches death wish because it changes you and you're a nice sweet fucking kid the only one that's gonna fuck with your

head is me with the animals and stuff I'm happy you're still juicing you're doing everything you're taking care well I'm doing good I actually I gained five pounds of Vegas and I've already lost that and mom's coming mom's coming mom's coming all right she's coming every three months she wants to show up this ain't no fucking business she's coming for two days but I I thought about something and I want to talk to the people about it I'm gonna I already did a 36-day juice fasting when do another 30-day one and so many people have been asking me for like the recipe and stuff that it's not gonna cost anything and

there's I'm just I want I'm gonna start one May first another 30 days and if people want to join me follow me on Twitter we can all do it we could do it together and if you don't want to juice and you want to do weight watchers I want to give you enough two weeks to get the juicer or whatever you want to do let's have a healthy May and fucking everyone lose 10 15 pounds so follow me on Twitter at least I it let's do it we can leave fucking starting fucking cults and shit oh shit what music you got for me cocksucker do you want to do golden year and finish it up or do you want to do something else I love you

guys have a great safe weekend don't forget Miami go online paid days Friday let's get this sold out so we can make our market and we can fucking start making it happen down there I love you motherfuckers with all my heart stay black go to honor I want to thank Felipe I want to thank the other fucking savage Tom Segura and I'll see you guys Tuesday have a great week you