Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 04/15/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #71

Episode Date: April 16, 2013

Chloe Dykstra, actress and friend of Joey's who he met on the set of Spiderman 2, calls in today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at check out. Streamed live on 04/15/2013

Before we get the podcast started our hearts and thoughts go with the people and citizens of Boston Lisa Yats originally from Boston, so we'll be thinking of you. It's dedicated to you. Hit it, Lee! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Lee, crack that motherfucker. What's the problem here? I'm relating to the Cosmo. You want to hit it this shit, Lee? Another one, sure. Oh shit. Another one, like, you did one. I had to walk it from the kitchen. I got a fucking 16-year-old nephew with fucking problems with his ears. He smokes more than me. You think he said another one? Get it together, Kyle. Look at Lee. Looking dapper. Monday afternoon, three o'clock special edition.

Lee had to do something this morning. Sorry about the whole thing. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive, no matter what's going on. Like I said, our hearts and prayers go out to you. Let's get this motherfucking party started, bitches. Oh shit. Beautiful fucking day. How was the weekend, Lee? Talk to me about something good. It was great. I had my mom here from Friday to Monday, which is really, I mean, it would be nice to see her for longer, but that's really the perfect amount of time. Did something fun every night. Actually took her to the comedy store, which I was kind of nervous about, but our buddy Steve Simone killed it, which was fucking awesome.

Did you smoke dope down there? No. Your best behavior. Yeah, of course. My mom had two drinks, which in my entire 24 years of living, I've never seen her have two drinks and she had a great time. All right, what else happened? We went and saw the new Robert Redford movie, which is fucking awesome. What's the name of it? The company you keep. All right. It was fucking amazing. And then we went on a whale watch yesterday, which was a little ton of fun. So, uh...

You were fucking savage. It was like, it was weird, but I have some videos I'll put up on Twitter of like just like hundreds of dolphins just swimming right up against a boat and it was a lot of fun. Oh, you want a boat? Yeah. Okay, I think you want a beach like a fucking moot. That's how you would watch. No, I don't fucking know. You'd go there with an animal, you just go to the beach, you'd be like, I can't fucking see no whale. Why you gotta throw the edible in here? Why you just can't go scared? Because you came to my house more stone than I've ever seen you. Stop it. I'm fine. It's three o'clock. I'm just getting the party started.

If you're in a hide-by-two, it's fucking three. How do you wave? You expect me to show up here and not practice what I preach? You know, me, though. Fucking whale watch. So you got on a boat and everything. Yeah. You have a little sunt, a little suit on and everything. No, no, fuck that. No, but I got suntan. I was, I got burned. It was fucking, it was fucking, uh... You were a cloud o' month o' bomb. It was cloudy yesterday, but I got fucking burned. Yeah, that's the best sun. That's the best fucking suntan when it's like drizzly now. Oh, shit, okay. You didn't know this shit. No, I didn't. I don't go outside. For the entire reason. That's the problem. It's fucking Monday. Get up, you fuck. A lot of people have been home all day. It's raining. It's snow. Who gets up? Fuck. What are you? Get up. It's a beautiful day. Go out there.

Go get a job. Do something. There's a bunch of shit going on this week. I didn't do dick. Nothing. There's a bunch of spots. What did I do since last Wednesday? I don't even fucking know. How about with the family? You know, I'm on the road for the next five fucking weeks. I just wanted to let the spots every night. I went on stays last night. Got on stays Saturday night. Got on stays Friday night. Oh, I went to the ice house Friday. Yeah, Thursday. I was somewhere. Oh, I was with George Perez and the boys Thursday or somewhere, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. I was in Oh, Amber Thursday night. Wednesday I was with George and a lot of people showed up from the podcast. Thank you. The guy gave me a picture of a fucking monkey he drew. Some other guy gave me some posters. Seriously, I'm getting some cool fucking shit.

No, no, my man sent us the fucking t-shirts to foil. We'll have to wear them once the fucking camera gets in that We've been waiting for these cameras for a year people. A year. For two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah, the wire. No, I gotta figure it out. You cocked over here in Vegas dancing having a good time. Yeah, I take one vacation in two and a half years. Where's the letter? You forgot it. I forgot it. You're on top of this shit. You forgot it told me to just walk around my house with like a burning torch of fire. And I had to convince you to just give me the joint. I like the joint. The fuck you talking about? Get it together. It's Monday afternoon. A lot of shit's going on. A lot of fucking weird shit. The Koreans are coming. You know, you gotta get it together. You gotta focus. You think it was the Koreans? Huh? You think it was the Koreans?

I didn't say nothing. Did I fucking say it was the Koreans? You didn't even think it was the Koreans. Coming. I didn't say the Koreans did nothing. Did I say anything about the Koreans doing anything? I don't know. I said they're pissed off. A lot of shit's going on. So you gotta pay attention. Is that how you talk to cops? Like you say something and they're like, did you say, are you saying you did it? Did I say I did it? No, you gotta confuse people sometimes. You know, you just can't let them go. You gotta fucking pound the hell with some fucking motherfuckers, you know. I heard from a very interesting person on Facebook. It was one of the weirdest. You ever get a message from somebody and you read the message. You look at the face.

You think it's somebody from the podcast or somebody from stand-up. You know that person. Something happens. You get up from the computer. You shut the computer up, but that name sticks with you. And I didn't know what the fucking name was. But I kept saying, I know this person. So I went back home, went to the message, clicked on the picture, still looked at her. It was like I knew her, but I fucking didn't know her. I knew her, but I fucking didn't know her. And I went to the message and I go, how you doing? You know, I just tried to bullshit my way through it. It's been a long time. And about two seconds later, she's going to be like, you don't remember me. She goes, I know I wouldn't. She goes, we met at a dealership in 1987 or something. And I looked at the thing

and I looked at it. I knew the first name, but the last name, she had gotten remarried. So I looked at the pictures and I hit her back and then she gave me a number and I called her back and we had spoke about how long we hadn't seen each other. What had happened was when I moved to back to Colorado in 1994, I moved out here with a, I never told nobody about that. I didn't have nothing to talk about. Right before I left Jersey in 94, I went back in 93 and I was doing comedy. I was living with George. I was cutting my teeth into comedy in New York City. I met this girl. It was kind of fucking nutty. And there wasn't a sexual thing. There was no sexual thing involved. I met her selling her a car, her boyfriend and she was moving out to Colorado and

then she needed a roommate so she had found a place and I moved in with her and she was a drug rehab. And here I'm up till six in the fucking morning doing comedy. I don't know what comedy is about. You know what I'm going on? I'm doing my new fucking a minute and a half of material. I don't know. I'm excited to be living at that time. I was going through drama with my ex-wife. But the point of the story was I hadn't been late. Like through all this comedy, you know, when I lived in New York, I was living with George and we shared a room. I can't invite somebody over there. We lived in this fucking grandmother. We were gonna invite over, you know. You were trying to invite that chick over when you have a roommate right away. He can't go nowhere. You're trying to

shame my niece for even bringing the dirty bitch over because you know you're fucking roommate to slob. So I just didn't get late. It was one of those things. And I was ready to bust. I was a young man, you know. After about fucking three months, you just whacking off uncontrollably. You know, I wasn't as heavy as something. I just wasn't focused on that. I sent child support. I had no time. Any money I had left over went to fucking blow. I was working in New York City. So I moved back to Colorado. I'm living with this Puerto Rican chick who's the drug rehab. And one day she goes, I heard you snorting last night. You have 10 days to move out, just do me the favor. She wasn't angry. She was a very cool girl. And I moved down. I moved into

with a cousin, like a distant, not real blood cousin. But he was like a family fucking, we knew him from Jersey. And one night I bumped into this fucking blonde chick, lead his bitches banging, banging. And she comes up, she goes, remember me? And I go, yeah. And she goes, I got divorced or I got separated, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I came to watch you do comedy. And she goes, I brought you a treat and she had blow with her like a fucking half eight ball. So I knew her and I knew the guy she was involved with. She had a kid with him. But this bitch was so crazy, even the kid didn't stop it. She spit the kid out and started doing blow all over again. He couldn't control it. And this

bitch was banging. And here I am, horny as fuck. I think the first night we went home and nothing happened. We did like a half eight ball and I was still like in the friend zone. I was in that Lee. I used to walk around like Lee then. She's not going to fuck me. She doesn't want a cock. And then the next night she's like, where are you going? Let's stay in the hotel again. And we went again and got another eight ball. And that night we just went for it, salami juice, fucking everything. We rubbed ourselves with pickle juice, the whole fucking thing. And this went on for about a week. And about one day I was in Boulder. And I was working at National Car Rental doing stand up comedy. I forgot all about this till this weekend.

Okay. You didn't know about this. I used to work for National Car Rental 20 hours a week. And the manager was such a cool motherfucker. This is how I got taken care of. The guy was so cool. We'd go, look, if you get here on time and do your job, if you need a car for a gig, it's on me. Oh, cool. So all my little gigs when I first started doing comedy, I was broke as fuck. Broke as fuck. Lee, I lived in a fucking basement. I had just moved back from New York. I lived. I had just gotten divorced. I lived in a rocky apartment. My coffee table was a weightlifting bench. I had a Sony Trinitron. I had a couch and I had a bedroom and it was a mattress. That's it. There was nothing else in the bed. The bedroom was so small. It was no walk space.

Once you open the door, it was open. The mattress is where I would walk. And I would just fall onto the fucking bed. I had nothing. I was basically just banging out fucking stand up. And this guy used to give me cars and shit like that. If I worked 20 hours a week for him and he paid me eight bucks an hour, whatever the fuck it was at that time. I'd go in there at seven. I'd wash cars for rentals, pick whatever he needed up, parts for the service, whatever. And boom, he paid me and then he'd go, listen, you're going to kind of come on down. So I was down there washing cars and her ex-husband pulled up, who I knew for years, was a great guy. And he came out like a man. He goes, hey, can I talk to you for a second? He

goes, listen, man, I'm not here to reign on your fucking parade enough. And he goes, Laurie's a piece of fucking ass. Right? I mean, he said it right out. He goes, but do me a favor. He goes, I got a two-year-old kid with her. And I went to therapy and all this shit. I really wanted to get back with her. And if she doesn't have a cohort, a partner, it's easier for me to get them back. Just do me that favor as a man. Can you do that? And as horny as I was at that time, like I was, I had no ju-ju-juice of me to give this freak dick for a fucking month. That's how horny I was. And she was that beautiful, even after the kid would have, I don't know how old she was, I don't know how old I was. But anyway, they make a long story

short. I wouldn't pack my stuff. And just the way he came up to me as a man. You have to respect that. You gotta fucking respect that type of shit. He didn't threaten me. He didn't do nothing. He just said, listen, do me a favor if you could. And I remember thinking about how hard it would be for me. I had been going through that with my ex. And I wish at one time, my ex, his boyfriend, but he came to me like a man and said, hey, I'm not here to cause problems. I just met her and she's got a kid. Sometimes it's easy just to get the shit out of the way. Did you ever think about doing that with your ex?

No, at this point. No, no, no, no. Not when you were 50. When it was going down at the time. Listen, bro. The last thing I want, is to fucking have problems with somebody. The last fucking thing I want in my world is that shit around me. So at first I would try to talk to her. Lee, I would try to fucking talk to her. And a week later, I get a letter from an attorney for spilling my guts to her. This is what I get. You follow me? Like I'd say to her, for example, like, oh, you know, my agreement with you is this, I gave me an extra hundred

because I made a little extra money. I'm trying to put some money away to move. A week later, I get a fucking letter that she wanted to take me back to the court to raise my child support. Oh, fuck that. Okay. So that's the fucking deal, Lee. You're following me. So it's just really weird that she hit me up and she remarried and she was in Wyoming or something like that. And that's the end of that fucking story. But I always thought about me, about that story, how as horny as I was, Lee. But just, and you know what? Let me tell you the fucking thing.

Let me tell you how weird that happened, what happened at that time, that we ended up, me and the guy who came up to me, he lived in Boulder and he knew people who sold coke. So we ended up becoming my fucking coke dealer. And we never talked about it again. And I probably stole them 1,400 fucking bucks in 1995. And you know what? If I ever bump into him, I'll give him the money. Just because of that story, how he came to me like a man. I've never forgotten him. And I know mutual friends of his now, they go to Boulder. And when they come back, they go, you know who mentioned you? Boom. They always say his fucking name. So if he's watching a podcast or whatever, I was thinking about him. But that's how weird

fucking Facebook is. It connects you with people from the deep, deep, deep skeletons of your fucking closet. And I don't even know if that was a skeleton. That was just a thought that I figured I'd just bring. It was just the weirdest thing that I was going through that divorce thing. And this girl came up to me and who would've known? Who would've fucking known? At that time, I had 24 minutes of comedy material. Okay. That's what I had. 24 minutes. 24 minutes was the biggest time I ever did in my life. I was like, fuck. It was 1994. And how long have you been doing stand-up? At that time, real stand-up, nothing. Nothing. I wasn't doing stand-up. I was winging it. Okay. I was winging it. I was basically winging it. Now, did you ever do crowd work?

Like, cause I never really seen you do crowd work that much. Yes. Yes. You did? I started out. That's what you do to burn out when you don't have material. Excuse me. You want to burn fucking through material. So where you from? What type of work you do? Oh, you work in a post office. And there's people that are very great at it. Yeah. But that goes 50-50, which is what I was doing all along. I was going up on stage with no material, with three or four hooks, and just trying to wing it. So I was doing that in a different sense. And that shit blows. I don't want to do that shit again. That was good to learn to fall back on. All that shit you fall back on. Last night, I got into a tricky position where I was at. The kid in front of me was young, good-looking,

had great energy. And he had great material. He was killing. And he went up there. And when I first got up there, I wasn't doing that well behind him. Okay. But you know what kept me there? My years of experience, my years of doing shit fucking comedy rooms. Okay. You know, that's one thing that we laugh about me, Rogue. And I do some fucking hell holes even today. They don't bother me. They make me sharper for when I'm in the big fucking game. You know, because sometimes you got to play it until everybody wants to play at the fucking giant stadium. Everybody wants to play at Foxborough, right? Is it still Foxborough? It's in Foxborough, but yeah, it's Gillette's Fucking Gillette now, Jesus. Those greedy bastards that have fucking raises. But you know,

sometimes you got to play on the Pee Wee level just to bring you back. Like I've always said, I love going out some nights and watching young comics, but you feel like a fucking pervert at the park. Watching young comic? You feel you creep them out. I would be creeped out if I was doing comedy and I was in my third year and fucking Don Rickles or fucking some idiot was sitting the fucking back, you know, even if it was just a mid-range comic, it would just creep me out thinking, you know, what is he doing back there? Just sitting back there on their own or something. Is that probably in your head? Because I would have to imagine if a young comic, because I mean, I've sat outside comedy clubs with you and all the comics come and say hi. Oh, no, I love comics.

No, no, I understand you do. But like you said, like you would think you feel creepy watching young comics, like don't you think most young comics would be excited to have you watch them? Well, yes and no, I've been in that position where you've been in a room and somebody's been in somebody's been in the fucking room and in your mind, you think maybe they could help you? Well, I don't fucking know, but you always want to do a good job anyway. Yeah, you always really, really want to do a good job. What's with the shake? What was the law and order? What's with the fucking questions? Where's Tony better today? It's fucking Monday, dog. I'm sorry. And where's the torch? See if you would have had the torch. Now are the musics playing out like the other joint

will meet in the middle and you haven't been smoking. I have been smoking. No, you haven't been fucking smoking. And you're back. I'm playing Tony better. Well, like your fucking joint. That's why I love you. It's Monday afternoon. You're probably getting home, whatever you get home on these codes at six o'clock. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. You want to do the new one? Sure. Where's the other one? What'd you do with it? Lee. Run from your house. It's Monday, Lee. Fuck. You know what I'm saying? If you can't have a party, what are you going to do? It's Monday afternoon. Get your shit together. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I didn't go to the gym today. I'm going to go to the eight o'clock kickboxing class tonight. I've been eating good. It was a good fucking weekend.

I got some business tomorrow. Today was light. I had the baby from eight to 11. You want to talk about torture? I love it a death, but for the love today, she made a major accomplishment. I almost shit my fucking pants. I had two friends who tutored me throughout this whole fatherhood shit. And they told me, listen, don't take your eyes off that fucking kid. Thank you, my friend. Did you take that? Two hits. I took two hits. I had to keep it alive. I mean, I want to be around. Thank you, Lee. Look at Lee's with the fucking Israeli flag. I like it. Oh, shit. No, I just said, oh, shit. That's all. So what do you want your daughter to do today?

All right, so I'm sitting there on the couch. Straight as an arrow. Because I know that shit. This morning I didn't do nothing because I know I had it till 11. So I'm sitting there, I'm sitting on the fucking couch like a moron watching some cartoon and my wife left. She had taken an app already. I was changing. So she's laying there. My leg is right there. And my wife says, exercise. I mean, don't be a bum. So I pick her up and I make a bounce up and down. And I sit her down on her back and I make her straighten up her back and the head and it strengthens her neck. And then for the final fucking trip, I lay on her stomach and she picks her head up, right? Okay. So today she was picking her head up and she's looking at me

and next thing you know, though, I see it's going and this little monster just flips over. I almost fucking lose it. You know, I'm ready to run for the fucking reefer. This kid just did like a magic trick. I ain't used to this shit, right? Oh, she rolled. I thought she fell off the couch. No. Fuck no. No, no, no, no. I watched that kid dog. That's, you know, I have two buddies who, you know, sat me down over the phone and what I did what you need to do. Do not do anything when you have this child. Just don't be one of those parents that reads, give the full attention. It's not gonna work. Yeah. So she rolled over. Oh, cool. She rolled over. Well, I was right there. We were both watching this fucking cartoon. Right. And then I looked at her and I go, no, she fucking didn't

roll over. Fidel was right there watching me, the cat. Yeah. And I'm watching him on my she fucking rolled over. He's like, yes, I took it and I fucking put her on the stomach again. And she looked at me and she went, boop, and she fucking rolled over. And then I called my wife and I go, Terry, I don't know if you know this, you know, she's rolling over. She's like, no, she's been trying. I go, well, fuck trying. She goes, get her on video. So I got the video. I put her on a fucking stomach and I go roll over. And she looked at me and she just plopped, you know, and she loved it. It's the it's the plot that still terrifies her a little bit. She's like, what the fuck just happened? It's like a roller coaster. Thank God,

Chubby's here to break the fall. Thank God, Chubby's here. Lee, what the fuck? You're not smoking, though. I am too. Tell these people what's going on. Your mother was flying back from here to Boston. Yes, I dropped her off. She had an 8.30 AM flight. She looked joey and she likes to get on the plane early. And then I woke up and I saw something happen on Twitter and then I've been calling people but cell phone services down there because they're worried about people exploding other bombs because there were two bombs that they found and maybe another one at a library. They're not sure. They don't know that might have just been a fire. And then there's reports that they found like two or three of them that didn't get exploded. And luckily I got my mom on the phone and she was

fine and my aunt and uncle were fine. There's still one person who I haven't been able to get in touch with. I called you from the coffee shop because any bravo called me and asked if I had heard and I called a friend of mine and then I called you and I went home to change and watched my little monkey and I've seen what had happened and that's it. That's where I stand. Who knows who did it? Why fucking blame anybody? Why point fucking fingers? Sit back, pray for the families and let's focus on what's important till the time has come. You know what I'm saying? That's all you could do but always fucking know that this could happen anywhere at any fucking time. Be prepared people. Yeah. It's the scariest thing to want to go out to see that for years. You know as an American you

were used to doing shit. You're used to going to games or whatever the fuck you did, Celtic games or Boston Redstone games. And I'm gonna tell you something people. None of you could bullshit me. You've told me the last three or four years every time you've been to an event. You haven't sat there one time at that event and asked yourself what if a bomb went off right now? Yeah. Or what if some fucking moron gets up with a BB gun and a bow and arrow and starts shooting motherfuckers at this like a game? Did you ever fucking think of that because I always do. Oh yeah. I go to a UFC and I'm looking for fucking morons. Anything I do now it's in the back of my fucking mind. When I walk through security at the airport and I put my fucking sleep apnea machine on the

belt and all that shit. People that is the most awake I ever fucking am. Yeah. It's just something when I walk into an airport you know and if you throw enough fucking spaghetti against the wall it's gonna fucking go off. I'm in an airport every week. Yeah. Eventually fucking somebody, Ali Baba. So somebody's gonna fucking put a bomb at the airport that I'm fucking at. God forbid but it's gonna happen. You have to always every time I'm out of the fucking house now. I gotta ask myself I could be at a Sunday fucking farmers market and you gotta sit there and fucking ask yourself is this the day while I'm buying this fucking carrot and this tomato that some idiot right here at the farmers market. So they take out a fucking gun and take the black

guy playing out the Jamaican drums and fucking you know the falafel guy and all these shit. It's today the fucking day. We all worry about this and it's a goddamn shame that this is what it's come down to. Yeah. Today is a goddamn shame. Yeah. It's just whoever the fuck did it. Whoever the fuck did it. I don't care who the fuck did it. It's just a goddamn fucking shame and this is what you gotta think about when you're the fucking supermarket now. You know fucking supermarket. You gotta look at the door and see where the fuck you're at and you know. Now you grew up in New York. You were here for 9-11 so you weren't in New York but what was it like back then because I think you're probably probably... I was in New York for 9-11 but I

was in New York back then and there weren't savages like this when I was growing up. But sometimes a fight was between two fucking idiots that had a beef over something stupid and something some waitress got shot, got forbid. It could be somebody's daughter. You know but this shit here is a different level people. Yeah. And you gotta be alert and you gotta watch and you know it's fucking done. That shit are fucking around when you're walking around. You know how many people get on that train in Boston? 100,000. How many fucking fucking people get on that fucking train. I don't even live there and I've been in the Boston when I get off that airport. I've taken that fucking train into whatever and then the cab picks you up and takes

you to fucking bumfuck, wincy or whatever the hell you're going to you know. They ship you out. Whatever the fuck you're going to Worcester or Club 52. I've been in that beautiful fucking city. Listen as a comedian what happened today is smashing your face because you're not a real comic so you go to fucking Boston. Look at all the greats that came out of fucking Boston. Look at all the people that went up there and developed. Listen to Joe Rogan's story how they were so good they didn't even talk to him. You know what I'm saying? I mean that was the talent that was up there. So I didn't become a comic so I did that fan your haul even if I went in there for six minutes and had to bring three fucking people. It didn't matter I did it. I got to say

I did it. Yeah and this could be Boston, this could be Milwaukee, this could be Montana, this could be San Francisco, this could be fucking anywhere. Did you not watch that thing on 60 minutes about the the the the fucking the Sandy Hook? Oh no you were talking about that. The father at the end said listen this is the beauty of this. This is going to happen again. It's going to happen again. It's going to happen again. This today is fucking what I could do but listen this is not what I came down here to talk about. It just infuriates me and I get fucking hot. Why give this motherfucker the light he doesn't deserve? Exactly. You know light he deserves is your fucking pinga in the school though. He's dirty fucking you. I love you.

Everything all right? I miss you cocksucker. You've been slipping. What? Tonight's your last night at work tomorrow. We're going back to work. I'll whip you the fucking death that said it's all over. I got two black chicks and an Iranian chick that wants to find your face. The Iranian chick wants to find your face out of respect like she's like you know what I usually don't like you guys but I'm gonna fart in his face just to get the party started. It's Monday people you can start all over again. You ain't doing nothing tonight. Go down to vote fucking tech. See what they're teaching. I'm plumbing electrical wire and how to fucking change your oil. It's better than fucking sitting here. We're gonna vote tech. No you were never one of those retards. I went to

vote tech for a couple weeks. I went there for plumbing. Fuck that shit. I did some summer courses there like summer. What did you learn? That's the first time I ever did like video editing stuff. Did you really? Yeah. You know what you want to do with that age? Kind of. In high school I figured out but like the summer between my mom was big on not sitting around during the summer so uh so we did that like uh I did some sports still then so I do like sports half the day and then video stuff half the day but uh yeah that's there's not many people go and back east or at least where I'm from there there's a school that services like eight or ten towns around and they can barely fill a school now because no one really wants to be a plumber or do stuff like that so

it's uh it's a good idea. It's a good idea. Nobody teaches you anymore. Nobody has the time to teach you. Twenty years ago if you were a carpenter they would be there was there would be a carpenter's helper and you know you made cuts. You basically did all the work. The carpenter just nailed the shit up or even then he'd just leave you on your own job. Yeah. But you had to do that for two or fucking three years to get under your feet. Now they want to pay you six bucks an hour and you had to be a laborer too. Yeah and make a fucking living. You can't make a fucking living at six bucks an hour doing that shit. There was Union Carpentry. There was Union I co told you I always wanted to be a mason. There was Union Masonry when I was a kid. You could join the fucking union.

You had to give me your grades from high school math. I swear to God bring your high school diploma. You had to pay a fucking fee. Fifteen hundred. You went down there. You're shaped every day. You know what shaping is when you have to go down there every fucking day and then they pick you. Okay. And sometimes it's like a movie role. Sometimes you get one day. Sometimes you get three days. Sometimes you hit the jackpot. They're going to be there for two fucking years and you got yourself a job as a mason's helper which is a fucking nightmare if you've never done it. I did it. We have to get the machine and put a bucket of water in there and then you got to put 13 scoops of sand in there. Then you got to pick up a hundred pound bag of fucking cement.

Break that on your fucking leg. Dump that in there and then like another 16 scoops of sand. A little bit more water because each brick layer likes it a certain fucking way. Then you got to tip the machine over. It goes in there. Then you got to get wheelbarrows and fill three of those motherfuckers up with cement and bring them each to their fucking mason's and drop off the cement on each of their fucking trays. That's how I did it though. I don't fuck around. I'm exhausted just from listening to that. Oh please. It's a nightmare. I remember being on planks like a fucking pirate. Like they'd be in a hole. Yeah. They would put two like two by 12's. You know 30 fucking feet and they'd adjust the middle so they wouldn't crack in the middle and you'd have to

walk over like Indiana Jones with a wheelbarrow filled. You'd have to get across the fucking bridge and there was like skulls on the bottom. Oh Jesus. Son of a shit. Oh I don't fuck around. You don't go joy don't fuck. What do you think you're doing with Joy Bananas? This is why I tell people you got to fucking pay attention. Hit me with some talking heads Lee. A little something for these people. And Lee I need to see you wiggle. You haven't been wiggling lately. You're pissing me off Lee. I'm sorry. Lee you're slipping on the music. Oh shit Lee. It's coming. See you don't know it's fast. It's fast. You may find yourself in fucking Russia sewing hats or you're in Sherman Oaks. All right. You're getting high with Joey again. That's right. Let me see you

wiggle fuck with Joey. What? Do it baby. That's it. That's all you got for me. Every time I start it Do it still. Do it. Do it. What? What? Say it Lee. All right motherfuckers. Monday three thirty afternoon. A beautiful day to be alive. Get your shit together. I even want a blue for you. Watch it. Watch it. Oh shit Lee. Oh shit Lee. Same as it ever was. Lee you stoned you? No. Lee go light another fucking door. I got like eight more to smoke. I'm sure you do. That'll half done. You fucking. Lee what the fuck? You love messing with me. You don't want to smoke another. You don't need another edible. No I can't. When is the next time you're gonna eat another? Why do you have to

get the strongest edibles? When is the next time you're gonna eat another? Never because your edibles are too fucking strong. Lee why are you torturing me for? What am I torturing you for? You come over here. You can't. It's like oh thank god. Here we go. Who's this? What up Joey? Oh shit. It's my girl. Oh shit. How's it going? You know I'm sitting here with the Flying Jew Lisa Yacht. We're trying to put a little show together. We'll be talking about uh you know this and that and bullshitting about whatever. Lee say hello to my girl. My little niece Chloe Dykstra. Hi Chloe. Thanks for calling. Hey thanks for having me on. How are you guys doing? You know it's a Monday afternoon. Lee don't want to eat an edible because he has to work at

six o'clock. You know I'm trying to make him feed a pot cookie to get the blood going and he's already turning me down like he's an AA or something now. So I'm trying to straighten him out. I'm trying to tell him you know that shit don't work on the Jews. I'm telling you Lee don't do it. I'm a Cuban Jew. Work with me. What's going on with you my love? It's been a while since I saw you. I know it has it's been quite a while. God we met how old was I? I think I was like 15 years old. And I yep it was nine years ago on the set of Spiderman 2 on the train. Yep yep one of my favorite jobs that I ever had. I uh I actually want to tell you because this is really funny I we were talking earlier today and I went on my live journal and I found all these excerpts from

when I was working on the set. It was very interesting and I had never I had done day work up to that time. I had done like a day on co-case an afternoon on this and it was like I was telling you earlier when I booked it I was waiting I don't know if you've been in between jobs where you have you're up to two jobs and they really want you for both jobs but there's one that you're really leaning towards and when the agent called and said to me you you got booked and I was like I got this recurring role and like you got Spiderman 2. One day scale it works July 31st. Do you remember the date? Yes it was amazing because it's Spiderman 2 so in my heart I was happy but I was like ah it's one fucking day I'm gonna get this type of movie again this is my life one

fucking day and they called me like the end of June and they're like hey come on down a wardrobe and I go why am I coming in sir now you start work next week and they're turning into 14 days for one line. It was freaking awesome I have like a similar experience but for me like okay because my dad did the visual effects so my dad always when I was younger he'd be like come on down the set so this was sort of a new experience for me and I mean I had a blast the whole freaking time I had no idea what's going on but I just you know I uh I just had so much fun and then I got one line too but your line was way more awesome than mine. But it's funny how for me the movie meant something different because at the time

I was kind of fucked up I was just really struggling as a comic when I was doing Spiderman 2 I got contacted by the Sopranos to be to be do you remember that on the train to be big pussies brother for four episodes. That's right that's right and I put the audition on tape yes and I put the audition on tape late night like at 12 o'clock at night a comic from Houston John Westling put it on tape for me at his house while his wife was sleeping and we were singing Pat Benatar songs and he put the fucking audition on tape and they booked me and they fired me that's following Friday while I was still on the set but I didn't give a fuck I was at Sony Studios eating lobster tails with Chloe like a motherfucker people eating salad I'm just banging out the

lobster tails and the pomegranate juice was big then. I would not give up that experience for anything I you know it's you think that you know with the job where you're cooped up on a train every day for two weeks that you get really sick of it but you know we all made we were all friends like I made friends that I still talk to and this was nine freaking years ago I was 15 years old and it was funny because Chloe and I were talking about the train early and there was how I fell in love with Chloe was I was I'm crazy and I'm on this fucking train and Chloe is going at it with this guy but she's telling the guy she's calling the guy BA BA bad actor he's a bad actor and I'm looking at this little young you had braces you had your cute little glasses you

were this cute little girl I used to call you Avril Lavigne right I used to call him Avril because Avril was hot at the time and I'm like Avril Avril and I fell in love with you I'm like she's called she's calling people out on the train I better bring my mother fucking a game Joey I sure I found um I found a whole like the diary entry from the train and I found like where I described everybody and I thought you would appreciate this because I one of the first people his name is just BA and it says actually named John wait let me play actually named John this guy has had many nicknames since I've met him including bad actor um big big pardon me big asshole and badass there's always someone I pick on and this guy's it he's so easy to tease at age

33 you'd think he'd be more mature I said this is a 15 year old this is awesome and I found yours too if you want to hear what I said about you no that's okay don't embarrass me I love you enough I love you enough here uh it was and it was funny that uh we were talking about who's the actor that was that played Doc Ockham that um Alfred Molina when Alfred Molina is because Sam Sam Raimi blew my mind I gotta be honest with you I had never met anybody like Sam Raimi until this day behind the camera I never worked with somebody like Sam Raimi he'd wear that black suit every day with the white shirt like he's a guitar player from the cars and he was just it was like he was somewhere else but he was on the money he knew what the hell he wanted

and uh yeah he was great oh I remember first going in there he shook my hand he's like y'all this tape was great he goes listen I don't want you on the train you're too big that was it that was it there was no exclamation he goes you understand just go to your trailer and I'll call you when we need you and then like three days later he asked me if I knew Alfred Molina and he goes let me introduce you to Alfred and he goes uh excuse me Joey Diaz this is Alfred Molina and all of a sudden he looks at Alfred and he goes I had to hire him what can I tell you and that was my first contact ever with Doc Ock he's cool he was really nice I remember like everybody on that movie was super affable and nice um I remember we we played a prank on Sam

do you remember this I found this we when we got stuck on set because Sam was late or something like that and so and then there's like hundreds of people on the soundstage we always played dead we'd all played like we would fall out of sleep waiting for him and he showed up and he thought it was hysterical he uh do you remember that we're all like yeah all over the train I kind of remember we did something else to him the one day we did something to his coffee and this is Sam Raimi you're talking about this is like a greatness like Hollywood greatness I remember I was telling you earlier I went to say goodbye to him and he was shooting a remember because we were talking about they had a camera and they had the second camera and that's

who shot us in the train and he was shooting something else at the same time and I went over to the other stage which who's the director the lead from uh the Michael Jackson thriller oh he was on the set with Raimi when I walked into this fucking room so I'm watching this and I'm already like in tears like I know I'm at the comedy store for $15 a night John Landis John Landis I'm at the comedy store for $15 a night Chloe and here I am oh shoot John Landis I didn't even realize holy crap that was fucking John Landis on the fucking set and this is who I'm talking to I'm like I do and he goes John do you know Joe Diaz boom boom and then he goes what can I do for you listen man I had a pleasure working with you you're a great director and he goes hold on one

second cut and he cut the scene and he goes tell these people you just told me you're a great director this is what I'm talking about and he goes back to work everybody that was Sam Raimi that's so funny wait wait wait did you say Sam said that to John yes Sam said that okay okay that's really funny John Landis his kid his kid Max Landis is actually a really good friend of mine I didn't even make that connection yes it's hysterical yes and if you I don't think he's in the IMDB but if you watch the film he's the one one of the surgeons when the film of course he is because Sam always puts people like that yes he always puts buddies in duh yes my god I didn't even realize that he was in the movie that's amazing here's John Landis he is he's on IMDB he is on IMDB okay yeah

this is John Landis I walked into Sam Raimi and John Landis I'm doing 12 15 spots at the store for $15 because I'm staying fucked on stage this is where I was at but the other reason was maybe really like you were maybe really falling in love with you was your balls but on top of that at the time I wasn't talking to my ex-wife and my daughter I had a daughter that was close to your age and I remember looking at you going I wish my daughter grows up to be this girl and look nine years later nine years later you're doing all these great things and I'm proud of you're beautiful you know and we almost bumped into each other in an audition about three years ago I had left you a note or something you were there with your mom they said it was even longer

because you had been there with your mom it had to be right after spider-man too oh huh I left you know I say hello to her or something aww Joey I was always freaking crazy about you I mean too I was crazy about you you're a real sweetheart and I'm really happy that just to see you doing all these great things and you're on Twitter still you have a great sense of humor and I looked at some of your stuff you grew up to be a beautiful girl I'm really proud of you man aww thanks Joey you're not going to be a Hollywood story yeah you're a savage man you know and that's why I wanted to get you on to be on I wanted to

tell you what you meant to me you were really uh I'm proud of you if I had a daughter I wanted to grow up to be you you're that's it that's it thank you so much that's really that means a lot to me and you know I used to have this is silly but I used to have a fear of men for some reason I was younger I was just scared of men but you just made me feel so comfortable and I was so I just adored you so that you know that really means a lot thank you Joey thank you for calling listen you have my number you're a friend of the show you want to promote anything you want to get on stage and let me come down and see you I'd love to be there when you get on stage the first time I think you would do great thanks Joey I'll let you know if I ever decide to hop up there I

appreciate it thank you for calling I'll give you a call next week and we'll do coffee okay sounds great I love you Chloe have a great day I love you too bye guys bye bye and for anyone looking she's at skydart on twitter and uh that's crazy I I I've heard the name John Landis before but for people who want to know this is his directing he did animal house blues brothers trading places uh spies like us three amigos coming to America uh Beverly Hills cop three uh black and white uh thriller um and uh how do you actually want the kids and just everything and then you see him on set that must have been crazy guys look you know I've told you motherfuckers tons of stories and I've been here with you I I'm not into business to drop names on you tell you why coffee with that that's

a bull I don't have a coffee out nobody fucking likes me but I will tell you the things I do appreciate and this dumb fucking shit that we do when you see guys like that I still remember it was 90 fucking no it was 2000 and uh three it was right now at this time last 10 10 years ago I had already booked spider-man 2 was April yeah okay I was just booking spider-man 2 now what movie we talked about a movie a while ago where you had uh said all the directors were in town for convention and the person was it was it a scarface scarface and they came in and they had directors like eight directors direct like one scene so that's the scene that at the end the bullet scenes went to the mirrors in the the in the fucking uh whatever the hell you call at the

end yeah say hello to my little friend there's all a bunch of different camera men so it must be kind of like especially in this town everyone has a huge ego and it's cool for a director to have like just another director come on set and be like what do you see here and I mean you want to do yeah I mean you can't you can't really get anyone any movies better than what this guy's done listen let's let's fucking get down this is 2003 I had been here five years I never expected to be a fucking extra and here I was in a scene with Alfred Molina from motherfucking boogie nights let's just drop it right there that scene with the fucking robe and the underwear where he's lighting firecrackers with the Chinese guy in the back

fucking uh and here's this guy and I'm doing a scene with him like guys are you fucking kidding me 10 years earlier I was stealing aspirin in Fort Lee, New Jersey and yeast infection medication walking out of fucking grand union walking over to george washington bridge and selling it to the dominican bodega owners for 40 bucks you think I'm fucking kidding here I'm gonna set up sit out for fucking Molina then it gets better I gotta say thank you to Sam Raimi right this Sam Raimi we're talking about this little dude with a white shirt a little suit on that looks like Paul McCartney when they landed from fucking London or whatever the fuck they came from and here's he's talking to John Landis and he introduced me to John Landon I excuse myself introduces me to John Landis

and then says what's up and I thank him and the fucking that's the story where he goes tell everybody what the fuck you think here and the rest is history that for a guy like me I was coming below myself and what I'm doing is the sopranos want me to play the big pussy's brother this is all going on and I'm leaving my house guys at 6am we had no dough my wife is taking the train to work my wife is take the car there was no train the fucking sony so I had to be there at seven every morning because they didn't know when they were going to use me uh they just came at seven so I go to fucking there at seven I go into a little room with a couch the room was half the size of this I had a couch a table a little refrigerator a TV with remote control and a phone

with a long distance are you kidding me yeah I'd sit there like a doctor rubbing my own toes cutting my fingernails rubbing cream on my feet smoking reef and shit are you kidding me yeah wasn't that the movie where you'd say like you go into like the thing every morning like stamps someone's been smoking weed in my office and they only want me to do I don't know I gotta say I'm this shit has to come to an end it's fucking Monday an afternoon special edition we had shit to do you gotta drive his mother to the airport you know how that goes fucking I tell her no more Monday flights got something all right is that what it is because the traffic was terrible this morning you're crazy it's all terrible what time was that flight 8 30 yeah so we left 5 45 oh you're late and no no

we got there like 6 30 and she got she was in she was right you mean to tell me at 6am it was already crowded oh the four luckily we were able to take this five south was already crowded if we hadn't been able to take the hov land it would have been packed I would have been in a minute yeah no no the hov is done you gotta get like a dummy or an electrical fuck somebody gotta pay somebody a half a yard it's a fucking nightmare that's why why do you think I get out of here at five yeah listen I'm pissed because I gotta go to New York and there's no 6am flight it's fucking yeah there's a 7am american but I don't want a 7am I want a fucking 5 45 type of motherfucker so I get to New York at decent fucking time why don't you do the red eyes the night before

because that's your right of red eye I love red eyes I don't sleep you sleep you take your fucking shirt off and you fall asleep you eat a bad salami sandwich you probably bring on don't you bring on that california pizza shit too I don't bring it on the plane because then you make everybody fucking smell on the plane no I was gonna say you don't bring you can't bring a salad on the plane people do I've sat there with motherfuckers who come in with like a mcdonald's or something and you don't know how bad mcdonald smells to eat that smell that shit on a fucking plane oh yeah especially after it's been in the in your bag for about an hour it smells it smells like a dead fucking black foot yeah you ever smell a dead black foot in holland no when I took you off the

when I took you to 148th street yeah when my stepfather shut the dude in front of that building I still think about that place what it was when we went and what it was 30 fucking years ago what that name but it was how many kids were on the street how many kids were on the street on Broadway all those balconies we saw on Broadway which stairs were all packed with people playing conga drums and selling nickel bags it was such a different fucking new york city how much a fucking plane ticket is to new york city the worst on american airlines is like 500 bucks yeah are you serious it's a nickel a flight of new york 700 to go like a choice seat that means that you get you get fucking free luggage you get 50%

more miles but you gotta buy it online what kind of shit is that to try to you know i'm gonna sit there and type in your fucking number and shit i call the american they don't want to cut me the same fucking deal no but uh they at a burbank now they fly direct to new york for southwest so uh next time i go back to paul's and don't yeah southwest direct to what airport jfk you're fucking blowing smoke up my ass no but that could be a nightmare when do you want to leave we'll check if they have no no no please leave that could be fucking bad because what if you gotta buy if it's packed listen i took i took burbank to bolton what it was a nightmare why it's a long flight for my fat ass oh southwest yeah my shoulders are big you know what i'm saying my

shoulders are big it's the only platform i'm only flowing southwest on like our or less yeah yeah yeah southwest is a party for two or less after two uh it's heavy they fucking pack you in there and i got big shoulders so you got i gotta sit there and bulldog people in the front aisle like when they come to my seat like look at them and pick my nose and shit there's only one chick at the end and i want that middle seat so i can stretch out if not it's a fucking nightmare you're gonna itch in your balls like you can't scratch it you gotta sit there like a fucking victim i don't like that shitly i want to be free you know so i get those uh coach express seats the little bigger but that ain't no fucking bigger it's just got more leg room yeah i still gotta

sit next to somebody and shrug it off so i gotta save my miles and transform and i'm out of fucking miles for a couple weeks i was living like a doctor i would switch up to first class but even on american then i give me electronic upgrades no more so i got a connection down in american so there's somebody here from fucking american that's listen get your shit together get to the flying jew and mad flavor and let's get this fucking party started it's monday you follow me great weekend you watched the fights this weekend no i didn't one of the great fucking fight cards i seen really in a long time the girl fight was amazing misha tape well i'm a tremendous fan of i'll get that guy singano i'm fucking amazing fucking first two rounds and singano took that

third round and started kneading her in the face and here's where it gets deep people you can't write this shit out she's a mom really oh shit so now they're gonna coach against each other her and round the rousy with the flying umba tremendous people and you know what's weird whenever you watch women fight like the other night let me tell you some misha tape looks good her body was banging the other night that chick was fucking banging her thighs her little feet were painted it's a nightmare you know what i'm saying when she fell one time you could see it that as a man you're like cheer take that top off something that makes you erotic it really fucking does it's something about is erotic now do the women cut weight as much as the men do you know i don't

know what the weights are i'm not really sure i know i know it's 135 but i don't know if like they if the girls are just naturally at that weight yeah check it out lee what are you asking me i don't know this is what your fucking job is you're the uh you're the expert but there's only one league i see one way what's the weight like 150 i think it's 135 135 now you're watching but uh i heard the stoppage might have been a little bit premature what did you think she got needing to fucking head three fucking times another one was coming what do you think i love her to death but i'm happy that they stopped it yeah i know she's bleeding she was all discombined her hands were all fucked up who needs the aggravation the other fight with the

elbows the one against Gonzaga was kind of questionable i think that first elbow he clocked him he knocked him the fuck up with a downward elbow tremendous right to the coconut now i read an article that the uh the finale uh not not uh not the like the big guys but the uh the tough finale tremendous where the guy was like you're the guy who will know the one before that the Mexican against the black guy yeah the one where like the guy was heavily favored but you're like so what did you think of that like what do you think happened there what do you think fucking happened you see the devil broncos that year when they put against fucking the the redskins with Doug Williams was it the redskins i have no idea yeah okay when Doug Williams and they just

fell apart he was like this kid first off i'm not taking away none of that 21 year old mexican kid it was he's a 10th planet kid amazing he was a 10th planet kid yeah amazing from humor he just neutralized that's the word i was looking for he neutralized and we jumped all over him and got to him he got to him this shit about measuring and being intimidated this kid said in his pre-fight interview i'm not scared of this guy and he went at him and took him out of his game actually he took him down his back he's a wrestler he took him down this fucking back this goes back to the bravo you want to be a fighter you gotta fucking fight off your back it's not it's not going to work you you you're fucking fighting against wrestlers this is what

they've been doing since they were 12 yeah they've been taking people down this is what they do so if you think you're gonna go in there you're gonna hit them with a little relic take a little fucking uh type bow leg kick that shit ain't gonna work they're gonna fucking take you down and if you've seen if you watch the fight he's coached by uh by uh you know chair old son who say whatever the fuck you want about chair old son he lost him but the this guy lost that guy chair old son will take your fucking ass down chair old son took Anderson silver down at will at will he has this linebacker defensive back type of takedown that just takes you right the fuck down there's nothing else to say and there was an interesting takedown in the Misha tape fight

she grabbed it by the fucking feet and just pushed it really i've never seen nothing like that usually people push you with the hips and push you down she grabbed she she fell over grabbed her legs and just banged it with her elbows it's the natural reaction you're gonna go down yeah you're gonna fucking go down it was beautiful textbook oh so you're right you have to learn and Uriah wasn't attacking he he did do some attacks but it was too little too late the kid wasn't going down that kid is a tremendous fucking and i was laughing with joe because of a domino every joke where you know the kid's black but instead of saying they're black he says he's very athletic and he comes from a very athletic neighborhood you're following that's a brilliant joke domino

wherever we're talking about in the rogan podcast but it's so weird how this kid he neutralized him little mexican kid came home from a single mom and that's the other thing these motherfuckers from single mom homes they're just tough that should start it with Madonna you know her mother died left her with some Puerto Ricans and the 18 brothers were appetite the one who rattled on his sister remember the one Madonna brother who rattled on his sister the drug addict one yeah since he was cheap he's fucking confused fuck him yeah and then what do you think because Uriah Faber is one in a couple fights in a row yeah yeah he beat this kid this week which that was an interesting fight i didn't get to watch the end i had to go leave and do comedy it was a great card i was very

happy i love watching a good card and we have another card this week too is this saturday the uh the no this saturday is gilbert melendez against the black japanese kid whatever the black korean kid i forget what his name is i'll look it up your little stoned it's fucking five to four i'm trying to recoup my fucking losses they hit me with shit to do tomorrow it's very weird to have the child by yourself in the daytime puts a lot of pressure on you my heart goes out to mom it's henderson versus melendez that's in san jose sorry about that i wouldn't henderson just fight couple fucking feels like a couple weeks ago but against Diaz was his last fight correct yeah uh it's weird because i won't be going to san jose with joe i'll be at the Miami comedy festival

oh yeah it sucks but then the following week i will be in motherfucking new brunswick new jersey bitches eating like a savage oh oh cool nelson's nelson is playing uh finding congo oh yeah yeah and alan belcher is fighting uh michael bismuth are you kidding me or what oh shit yeah we're gonna get dealing with him and then miller versus healy yeah that's what davis versus my hobbies or whatever why you're fucking up the words for you because i don't speak portuguese i'm sorry we'll get it together i'm gonna hit a portuguese restaurant newer oh you're gonna get to see a uh female fight in on oh shit believe what the fuck you know how i put it together and i'd be in san jose but i got shit to do it's 420 on saturday too so yeah so you're in miami right miami i fly back to saturday

i'm back home for 420 i'm staying home with my business why do you want to go out and smoke with a bunch of people you can smoke refit at home by yourself and meditate to the fucking cosmos i got some good music you know me dog i'm always fucking prepared i just burped smells like a fucking taco because that's what i had a nice chicken taco oh jealous uh one chicken taco it's all i had oh we weren't trying dog i'm trying we gotta try what you got the garlic right how long did you did you take a shit yet i have my mom got sick she she we like maybe because i'm younger it didn't affect me as much but i got the yeah you eat like a billy girl you get a fucking a good good food don't do nothing to you no we need a fucking garbage for ten years but uh i had got a mcdonnell

somebody said i haven't been to anywhere with the drive through yet don't lie to me somebody said they saw you let me down a sweat in the store eat the fucking big max wet no i still have some leftovers actually in the fridge it's um what is it called it's uh it's like the fucking non-spare rib uh fucking what i don't remember it's called does it matter but it was fucking delicious yeah did you eat the garlic clove with the bread oh yeah of course i still i have still i have some of the leftover let me ask you did you take a shit yet one of those garlic shit a little bit nothing nothing like crazy the explosion didn't come out yet no when the garlic colligialates in your asshole and stuffs up and you feel it come on it's like a boa constricted

jesus christ you just feel your little muffler expanding that's like a big garlic ball it's terrible oh my god did you smell did you close no bad no i mean maybe i mean i've had a lot of um i've had a lot of uh oh it's short ribs um i've had a lot of um what'd you have give me a whole fucking menu here we had it it was called banya kata whatever it's garlic soaking in uh extra virgin olive oil which is fucking it was good so it's a little it's a little strong because the the bread has garlic on it too and then i had the short ribs and with mashed potatoes and uh cream spinach and then my mom had uh the chicken and we and i also came with mashed potatoes and cream spinach it was fucking delicious but the one thing she hated and i'm just used to it now because of la

but it's fucking ridiculous we went on a sunday night it wasn't that busy but of course it's it's Beverly Hills so there's still a five dollar uh valet charge which is fucking killed absolutely a budget right off that made you not have dessert what'd you have for dessert we didn't have dessert don't bullshit man i heard you had the garlic vanilla ice cream oh i can i can never do garlic ice cream that's too much would you put my fucking electronic cigarette on you trying to trick me in shit what do you mean one of that part of it but that's nice your mom comes out to visit you you guys go out to eat you live like a doctor you took her out to the store you sign some autographs people recognize you no no but uh dom was there and she was very excited

because she recognized dom let me ask you this did you tell him about this shit we have going on with the chick do you tell you we're about to blow up oh no and you called me and you asked me and i had she was right there so i had to be quiet and i was like no not yet was he in the car no no no that was you you call me guys i'm gonna tell you something guys i call this motherfucker he gets yeah it's like he just stopped on his tracks like he was like hello what are you doing Lee and he goes huh nothing just sit here you get ready to go out whatever it was a little fucking half a fag voice that's when i know something's up he's like what what's happening i go nothing and he goes no i'm

going out with my mom or something i stopped and i go well let me ask you tell your mom about the black chick fart in your face what'd you say i said no not yet just like in a low voice and i thought his mom was in a car and he was about to get back back handed or something yeah no what would your mom say if you got a nice hot black chick oh she met my black girlfriend she doesn't mind that but what's going on with the black girl so she's gonna come back you got rid of rosy in the fucking no no i didn't get a dirty feet i didn't get rid of anybody but no but uh don't be bullshitting she's the she's the one girl who i haven't been able to get in touch with and lost in your fucking piece of shit but i'm talking to your soldier i was nervous what'd you do

with rosy you get rid of it no we're still we still talk we're still friends you still talk on the phone put Skype on them bang out one you still hang with her no tell us what the fuck tell us nothing we're just friends you told me that you had the Skype and you were banging on it no we didn't she got a leg up she showed your asshole you got dizzy no one's showing me any asshole it's so fucking gross but i was nervous because joey had joe he said call me when you're leaving dinner maybe we'll maybe we'll catch up and i called you and i was like oh please don't say anything about the the at the corner in the face but i can always tell when i call you when you're fucking stoned oh because you found you sound so you sound like you're like dead asleep you need to like

no no it was like seven o'clock you're like what's up man when you fucking called me yesterday i ate the same thing i ate today when it was bang chocolate those three straight fuck fuck oh with the hash in it i was fucking gone on the large day and i ate it i took a nap and i got up and ate it uh-huh and it's fucking baboon i had a salad for dinner just hit me with a right fucking cross baboon so you called me off god my wife had just kissed me so i'm taking the baby into sleep and right there you called it was amazing and you called her she was shutting the door and i'm like but my wife at like five was like forget the baby was on fire last night so it's it's it's weird so but when something that was it it was just you went to bed early but it's funny with you when

you're high because i can always yeah when we got off the phone because we're driving so you're on the speakerphone she's like i couldn't understand the mind i just know he's just tired you know when i get i'm on the computer i'm high i'm typing oh yeah did you answer emails last night i answered emails 80 something emails i fucking tried to write last night i had an email the editor guy you know i'm doing my emails and i'm working i'm in this fucking home and people call me sometimes and it's so embarrassing i don't recognize the number without my glasses i don't know what the fuck they're talking about i don't recognize the voice and they're talking to me i go listen i'm stopping into something i'll call you back and they get off the phone in front of an hour i can't

figure out who the fuck they are and i won't call them back because i don't recognize the fucking number i don't recognize that somebody called me yes i know this fucking number but i won't call them back why get involved you finally i don't know what the fuck it is why get the fucking file mind your business get out there bitch what do you got for me what kind of music you got what are you gonna play for me we got one more we got a discography on you oh shit that's all you got for me that's all we have so far in spanish music for uncle joey that's it it's almost dull i can't believe it's going to i'm sorry the fuck i don't like this afternoon why not let me see you dance i was with joey it's 1971 at the cheetah the final all stars if you want to go to youtube

check out our latin thing this is it i seen this movie every day one summer every fucking day one day i seen it twice that's how much of a fucking mo mo i was hit it let me see you want to go home with joey what did you have polo regal chicken what about it and you had to go dance on the show this is how you would dance with polo regal chicken wiggle wiggle let me see your hands let me see it do the batman what's what's the batman do the batman do the batman why is doing peace signs across your face the batman i didn't tell you the love of the fucking music no you didn't i'm sorry don't make me fucking eat cigarette you in the nose oh shit it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive monday april 15th i hope you're

fucking paid your taxes if not they're gonna stick in the fucking jail where west least night for you have to suck a vampire's dick in there in some federal hole in the penitentiary you know i didn't fucking pay taxes for years but i went clean and now i'm up to fucking date with everything lisa yeah with the taxes thank god because when you're out there banging out they fucking want their fucking dough and you can't blame him oh yeah i paid him months ago you know i want to fucking get paid so i go to a supermarket and get stabbed in the fucking neck that's what i paid taxes for yeah no i five months ago when i did it they said oh you could uh you could just hold off paying until april 15th i said fuck it yeah if you bang them out a little late they bang you

out what's the percentage they hit yet i have no idea like 94 percent to like america's worst and you know what they're gonna get that money so you might as well lay down and pay them whatever the fuck they want and get over it what are you gonna do lee i don't know you asked me you know i'm trying to put the fucking pieces together i'm just letting people know and that ain't you know a block is scary you just see all the people that are getting sued now they've these people like part-time butchers and they go to a three-day seminar and all of a sudden they just lie to you whatever they're taking gears you get a quick refund and it's all over yeah that's what i'm hearing i don't know how fucking true it is none of these people ever fixed my taxes

no you do my own taxes when i was a kid i swear to god so i was about 19 and you never got audited never when i was 20 what's the order i was 1920 i sold drugs i did a job here a job there that the paperwork will come you put it together you write the deductions you live at home bam you gotta check the 260 270 in 1982 the motherfucker sent me two checks state and federal the notes two federal's they sent me the same amount of check twice one on a friday one on a monday but that you pay and did he cash both no i still got him at home i wrote it back to uncle sam i was a faithful fucking taxpayer i cast it within two minutes both of them at the same thing a friend that had a fucking bodega he cashed your checks and nobody knew nothing now why didn't you just

have a bank account because i was too fucking young i wasn't gonna put no money in the bank at 18 there was no way at 18 i was i didn't even think like that you'd rather lose the one percent or something oh yeah i'm gonna put what am i gonna put what if i need money on wednesday and i gotta stop what i'm doing and go to the bank and take it out i didn't know where i was getting money from it wasn't like i had a job every week when you're out there hustling you don't know what you're gonna get so i'm gonna put $50 on the bank and go back three days and get it like with with puppy dog bags now i lose the whole 50 there's i gotta leave 10 in there if not they think i'm a fucking schmuck that's what that was one of the funniest things the first things you said to me was

like a juke just has to be at the bank just counting your money all day like that's the first thing it tends to mean if i was in june i had a little money i'd be at the bank 10 times a day one hour i want to go in the back room and count my money i can't do that no no no i do what the fuck i want it's my money you're only paying me a little bit but stand here i want to go make sure my money's in me i want to see it physically with my own fucking eyeballs i got $2,000 i want to see it every fucking day i want to make sure it's here you know what i'm saying some people don't want to do that shit can you imagine how fun it would be to be a jew with a lot of money i just fuck with them every day i go in there one day take $200,000 now come back on the next

day deposit 175 make them count in front of me i'd have like a fucking chinese people to live a lunch to the bank right to the bank as they come take your time they'd be counted but that's how to live i told you that in the podcast by the way we'll do another podcast next one's not yelp friendly i'm in the live podcast i want you know stories what do you mean i had to beg you to do what i'm talking about i'm shy i'm just a poor boy from a poor family here it's just a poor boy you all the press i had to yell i had to yell you for four months we took him up they had to smack him two times to talk and fifty times to shut the fuck up he was talking to him he called me up in two in the morning how did i do any makeup oh my god sucka it's a beautiful

get up i love you guys on twitter i had a good time doing some shows with arie i did all those shows last week this week i'm headed to miami beach i'm going to pour the saga to eat i'm teaming up with danie bianculo down there oh i'm teaming up with the old fucking crew from giving that terrorist people this is a scary motherfucker i had a caller let me blow it to you how scary this crew is this is my man carlos he was in the caller podcast and he called me like a man and said i can't do it because i'll be fucking devouring information he couldn't call this other guy fucking nandy or randy whatever his fucking name is with his girlfriend i got their families i got uh but they were all friends of mine and giving that terrorist yeah no this is how

creepy yes we all were friends with the kid who drowned in the thc crystal anthony right dominox she had all friends with him i mean i'm talking to my goombas this guy was our buddy guess who's showing up friday night till the early show the fucking sister and the mother oh the mother you might be having conversations so i was thinking about my dominicom she'll still go in the purse and take out a rap picture of dominicom from the eighth grade and all his football pictures and shit so i called the head last week and i said guys listen before you get excited doing eight balls and quailudes and gorilla biscuits and shoot heroin remember who's going to be there because this is going to set you back it sets you back when you're straight

i can't imagine being on blow and her taking out a picture of a kid that you're the same age that you guys grew up together he died and here you are 35 years fucking later and at the way you might tell yourself what have i done with my fuckers that's what i feel when i see that yeah whenever i see veed and the mother i always said to myself what have i fucking done lately to prove that i justified this because they lost their fucking son in 15 16 he fucking drowned in gorilla biscuits man and it happened and it's very fucking sad and uh so they're gonna come so i left these motherfuckers no i said listen do not do not do anything until after with danny bees in the show my main man from the show he's coming down with tendonahe the ref of oh yeah we

ain't fucking around no more we i'll bring the cameras so we can do a mad flavors world it's gonna be real friday night it's going down eight o'clock i'm going to jersey then the following week i'm going to austin texas then the following i'm going to arizona the scott's uh the fucking place we're going whatever the fuck they stand up live then the following week we're going back to long island and shit like the ramones or whatever the fuck is from there and jerry sign thought somebody and that's how we're doing it but if west palm coconut fucking beach wherever you're at steve mark whatever the fuck you're doing come on down front let's get down reef is getting shipped in by the fucking hours we speak uh tracy morgan will be there that night

and the other side of the building so if you want to go see him instead of me i love you to death it's my brother tracy molly well fuck at least you're getting out of the house and supporting life comedy and just fucking laughing for once instead of sitting there like a fucking means it out looking out the window wishing of what you could have had how fucking high am i jesus christ i feel like scratching my nuts i don't have the energy i gotta go to kickbox me and my wife gotta do something for dinner i forgot to tell one little chicken it's fucked up i can't begin this highly you're gonna control me what are you this so i want to hear your story for the week so you're working tonight yeah and that's it you're back

then we're doing we're doing uh we when you got a font mouse in your pocket what are we doing i'm going to see you perform at the uh benefit first oh okay i'm out there tuesday night you're coming yeah and then wednesday uh you're you're are you leaving wednesday or thursday i think i'm leaving thursday okay i'm i'm i'm leaving wednesday after the podcast i'm gonna have a little trip going and uh seeing if i can be a professional gambler how much money are you taking i don't know not much don't bold look at you i don't know not much what what's with the question i don't know how much is i don't know not much i don't know like i like maybe 500 to see 500 what this fucking guy i don't know this guy's gonna be selling blood by saturday this

fucking guy you think he's used to the lost weight wait till he started dripping his fucking blood what's wrong with 500 because you gotta get together 500 you gotta get a fucking together dog what do you want me to what do you want me to like five g's you gotta flash you gotta get yourself a filipino woman did you get a suit no they're gonna walk around with the fucking no i'm taking i'm taking southwest and i'm staying at the cheapest hotel don't say what the fuck you're staying but you gotta go get a tuxedo tonight i want you looking sharp you're representing the church what am i gonna do we're wearing tuxedo at the blackjack table fuck like james bond like a motherfucker you're not just some fucking putz you you're the flying

fucking jew you that no you've been to israel you two rocks you know what i really want to do what is put like when i when i was off at the end of my last trip what's your plan what's the plan of attack you're going wednesday what's the first thing you're gonna bet on when you get there wednesday what's your plan i'm going to buy that fucking measly dollars you better go into that mattress cocksucker you better get something i know your mom left you three or four hundred she always the don't fucking lie to me you're talking to me she loves you like that you know she does love me but she didn't i know she gave you a check at the end she goes this is just a little something for you you look today it's a nickel don't lie to me we're family

i know i know i know you fuck but no i'm not good at sports betting maybe i'll call denny b up i'm gonna go straight i'm gonna spend hours at the blackjack for some reason i do better really after midnight you're pushing your head when what hair i have like i'm telling you we gotta buff the front moose the sides you look sharp like james bond you sit down over with these bitches you talk what's going on at least i had well i'll i'm gonna get that like one go to the sports bet i like for some reason i'm very lucky the venetian so i'm not staying there um but i'm gonna walk over the venetian i'm gonna go i have a buddy who uh who i met the last time i was there who does this for a living i'm gonna go to the sports bet um maybe see if i can get a couple

things going but uh i do really great after midnight so after midnight i'm gonna go and spend all night in the blackjack you're like junior's priest 82 absolutely i don't know what that means oh okay but uh yeah i'm gonna go and see so how you freaking dropped a fucking e-cigarette but yeah i just want to see if i can if i can make money gambling i'm with you i want you to fucking make money i want you to get a steak i want you to call me saturday and go joey i'm up 4400 but i got a chick rubbing my feet right now she's picking the toe jam from in between my feet and i'm eating the fucking steak she's rolling it into a ball i'm taking it home to go i realized we become too close because i i don't i can't jack out i can't do anything with my mom's here

so i was doing it when she left and the porn i was watching the the it was uh like they zoomed in on her feet and they were dirty feet and all i could think about was like joey this hits dirty feet and important they were brown it was the it was like the heel it was like the bottom of the feet of the hill you're still commonly no i had to turn it off because take it to 11 anytime i can't think about you saying that shit i had to turn it off and go how do you say it so i stop but uh what were you on you porn uh x videos i think i'm what's dirtier x or you point i think they're all the same are they filthy fucking tapes yeah you know it's funny because sometimes you're on youtube and you go to you it's a whole thing pops up yeah and you look at the first six videos and

they discuss you don't have to watch them just the propaganda they have from like the chick with a mouth open getting real it's just disgusting i don't want to fucking see that anywhere when you were like 20 or something or i don't know what did you already film yourself for the girl are you fucking crazy it's disgusting you never did that you never had it in the corner no look at me do you want to see a tape of me fucking my face open i don't but i don't i think you might no i don't want to fucking sad dog i don't want to see me with clothes on do you not boy where you've been for the last three fucking years i don't want to see me i don't want to hear my fucking voice i don't want to do nothing can you imagine looking at yourself naked what are you looking at

i can never even dream that i can never even dream of fucking somebody on tape and taking the tape home with you and them saying to you you know save that and then like a year later like it mysteriously what are they they leaked yeah how the fuck does your porno leak if you're fucking you know pamela anderson what what the what'd you have on the coffee table you dumb bitch how the fuck that you put that under the fucking couch under the internet below under the fucking you put that under the structure of your building if you're you sucking some fucking bowl in your mouth that's filthy that's disgusting so we're never gonna see a joey diaz the sixth day fuck no who's gonna won't want this wrinkled fucking uncircumcised cuban cock who needs this shit in

their fucking pussy oh i don't last i'm like two minutes this movie what are you i'm like a warm up to somebody good like if i would come on i'd be like the opener i'd do like two minutes in calm and they put the camera on me and they put like oxygen in my face they show me finger and i'm coming because once i stick my finger in your ass i'm coming that's how fucking sensitive i'm to that shit anymore you follow me i'm what do you want me to tell you i'm a good piece of ass and i stop it no what i what i thought one of those girls in miami whatever one of those like 20 years ago would have broken out a camera or something stop it i've had thoughts i had to blog you one night some chick was taking the clothes off and i thought about right the comedy club

right like outside the comedy club yeah some fucking chick was taking i don't know where the fuck this was i had the bloggy in my pocket and somebody who was in the outside smoking pots at taper yeah and i thought about taping her and i said you know what as i put my camera i said no because she's gonna wake up in the morning yeah i'm regretting i'm gonna get a fucking call well i'm gonna be on youtube and i'm gonna get a fucking call from youtube that's some chick watching to take down a video of her you know because you can't let tit down they'll take it out by themselves but whatever she leaves like ass don't let you run around with ass you can push the envelope and i'm not gonna show the chick on her back masturbate on a fucking four truck i'm not gonna

show that but you know you can see it whatever i don't need that shit those chicks if you want there comes a time when you're young and you attack those women because they're like fucking deer but there comes a time you look at those chicks and go that's fucking potential trouble that's that chick's gonna wake up in the morning and realize she blew three dudes and she woke up on your couch and it's a complete different story she's gonna answer somebody the boyfriend's looking for her oh yeah you know she blacked out my book she looks at a cell phone a pager that she got 19 missed calls now the boyfriend wants to know where the fuck she's at she hangs up with them then she takes a cab to a different spot and lies to you don't need that at the end of the morning

now you gotta sit there thinking that think about it if you pick your girlfriend up at two in the in the afternoon and she smells like a foreign substance and the neck is all greasy you're gonna say where were you take me i'm gonna stab you and next thing i know hey you are watching sunday football and you gotta answer this fucking gorilla because he can't control his fucking woman she's out there you following me so sometimes you see it you see it unfolding in front of you trust me you did tell me one of the i i don't think i was even going to vegas but you told me your theory on it you're like i go to bed i used to go to bed at like nine or ten and then i'd wake up at five and catch the straggler's coming in that's the only way ugly dude we're not gonna work compete

there's a 20 year old guys with jeans with pockets in them dance got tight t-shirts i don't need that kind of aggravation you go to bed early you got up like a five you go right you and you go to that one club if you're a fucking pervert you go to that one place in las vegas what's that one experiment right now no that's a disgust oval you go to the other fucking place the fucking cheap hotel where young kids hang out the pearl the palm okay if you really want to attack some good fucking old american style young pussy you go to the palm you get some fucking you go downstairs about 430 okay you get some oatmeal you just set the fucking oatmeal thing sit the press like james dean like just sit like that give him about 15 20 minutes some poor victim will come up to you and start

talking to you whatever you don't even need blows just give her some aspirin back up in the room when they go i'm telling you it's fucking crazy because nobody expects that you're out there banging out with fucking 20 year olds league we can't compete i'm not handsome like i used to be you know something like hell that's no more i'm never eating chocolate no more fucking afternoon podcast league all right i get too high in the daytime like you're not high in the morning no but at least i'm half cohesive right now i'm falling fucking apart right now you're following me at least in the mornings you know i've been there i'm only high for an hour so i've been high for fucking uh i've been high since signal that i didn't get high this morning i got high as soon

as fucking water came as soon as i got out that fucking door before i even hit the car what happened nothing the fucking what's wrong with you why is the phone what your phone has been ringing for three hours i get one second one text who the fuck calls me let me call his uncle joey i don't know you got all your you got all your bitches calling i got no bitches dog so anyway what else is going on leave tell me what so you're leaving wednesday what's your plan how much are we coming back with you're leaving with 500 it's 300 for the plane all right hold on let me get the fucking pen and paper here if we're gonna work this thing you got you got the accountants fucking well let me give you some shout outs my main man andrew mckay aka andy bore fucking chester held three

charlie b no no this fucking guy andy borehouse andy mckay from canada sent me a picture of charles fucking brunson i forgot to bring it up here that is fucking amazing him and mike maxwell did fucking pictures of the man and it's different how mike maxwell drew it and how this kid drew it but i want to give him a shout out this kid's a fucking savage andrew mckay i love you cocksucker andrew borehouse they i love this guy kevin davaro uh my man from pre-med you know what i'm saying self-help books all that shit paulie the g matt sebert and my man jane from amsterdam you sexy bitch i'll see you soon when i get my past moment come over there and fucking tickle your feet with a feather stick a thing up your a-hole and shit remember one thing i hate these fucking glasses

because then people gonna say look at joey front and shit i ain't front and bitch i'm going blind i gotta start eating carrots i gotta start like i care to the fridge you want to use it no no it's a fucking expression all right don't get carried away i'll make you care to use it no no no please i'll fucking stab you in the heart and make you listen to time wait backwards yeah anyway so yeah anyway it's 300 for the flight the hotel and the shuttle two of them yeah all right so i got 300 in there so i'd like to come back and you got 500 in your pocket well yeah well that's just about that's what that's what i'm willing to lose so how many days you're gonna be there all right so this is the jewel i am i got a hotel room for wednesday and thursday all right and my flight's

not until eight a.m. saturday morning so i'm just gonna play all friday all friday night and take like a five a.m. shuttle the airport saturday morning and your balls are gonna swing your ass those are gonna smell like fucking i'm gonna come i'm gonna come back with two grand though two grand that's your goal so 800 investment you know come back to two grand for three days i'd like to i'd like to come back with a grand it's not what you like to you're gonna come back with five grand all right you're gonna give me 500 you get 10% that's 10% although i gotta do paperwork on you that's another 10% so what's uh that's yeah i'll take you to Vegas once you come back we'll take care of it why why do you get 10% of this because who the fuck you think you're dealing with oh

some fucking novice you're over there making money having a good time if you're getting 10% i should be staying at the venetian i should be i should be taking a limb out of the place oh yeah do his ass you say i want to stay the venetian i'll make a few calls next you know i give you the venetian eat italian food sing italian so it's parlorati you look like parlorati's nephew tell me parlorati's nephew what the fuck li boom boom say i wish you all the luck in the world li i wish you to become a fucking professional gambler make 250 a year i'm trying i mean i don't know i've been for seven points then you're for seven i'll take it easy that's what i'm gonna do i would love to go to do the part i'd like i'd love to be in LA from monday to wednesday do the

podcast with you and spend two or three days a week in vegas and do the podcast here you're gonna do a rosy you're gonna break the heart and dump if you move to vegas what i'm not moving anywhere why don't you become a big shot in vegas you're hanging out with deniro and fucking patino drinking cocktails doing casino all over again what happens you know dump rosy and forget about your goomba no i wouldn't know that i just said i wanted to be here half the week i think you want to have kids with rosy and have a family jump up and down stop scratching your ass you filthy motherfucker you were sitting for one hour you know when your asshole smells like you want to sit you want to smell it no but you want to sit in vegas for 24 hours or rotten ass what happens if you got to

take a shit then you got to sit there no they have bathrooms everywhere so that's him what are you gonna do with that little crud that sits in your muffler you're gonna go back there's no crud i wipe what are you talking about you say awful things but do you not wipe you leave a little bit for later no it's just you never just wipe and then just go sit for an hour you get an itchy yeah occasionally but it's not every time now you're gonna go on a roll but you're gonna get a case of itchy ass you have to sit there and sweat it out until the itch goes away like fucking jesus you don't say you don't need that aggravation you get a room so you go upstairs and relax and i'm not paying the rate for the friday night for the two nights it's 50 bucks i'm saying a shitty

hotel on the strip but uh it went up to like a 50 bucks so go for another 50 no you're gonna win how much i'm trying to come you're gonna win you're gonna win be positive you fuck i'm gonna win i don't care if you got a mug somebody you're coming home with five i'm gonna be that's not winning i'm gonna that's mugging you still came home with money at the end of the week that's all that matters that's true all right you're gonna i'm gonna be here monday at 545 want to see five grand stacked up like you just count them like joe help yourself you know what i'm saying get kind of a little load on i want you to be positively if you're gonna go you're gonna go fucking thursday you're not gonna sleep through you're gonna bang on thursday on your luck yeah like a late mba game they're in the

playoffs now take a look what's going on don't count on it you got baseball too and it's early some of these pictures a week yeah take a look we i don't know about this but i know you do maybe i'll give danie b a call and i know you're smart forget danie b you have a good feeling just no trifectas no parlays you're gonna go one move at a time baboon one move at a time baboon one move at a time and then after you get two on the bell you're gonna bet low because you'll probably lose but you're gonna know the fucking odds against you then you're gonna feel it and you're gonna lay 500 on it at the same time you're gonna be racking up fucking five six thousand you're gonna be blondes all over you then i know you're lisa at the director from israel

but you go with these fucking wonko shirts and shit you're gonna get a tuxedo lee i'm right well right now we'll go right to this we'll get you a nice that's what i'm doing we're ruffles but like sanatra they won't know what the fuck you are after i after i lose the rest of the weight speaking we're starting may 1st i'm going to that hollywood suit outlet i'm gonna get the three suits for the 300 and three suits no no lee you're a class act what you need a fucking tailor look at you got a physique you're looking to you're like a savage you're like an olympic lifted i do you sit together you need like a fucking tailor what i'm gonna walk around just walk around with a tuxedo listen i if you get a tuxedo with me i'm not a i'm not a young fucking

guy but you have a tuxedo james bond listen james bond always had a tuxedo you ever see him go wrong think about how much action and how much money you would win just the word tuxedo and vegas this weekend put your leg up make believe you're smoking like a cigarette make an electric cigarette roll cigar around it and use your mind you want to you want to be big yeah i think big my friend just trying to help you out i don't know about i'm sorry but i'm happy you have a plan i'm trying because i mean i'm sick of going to these jobs to be honest you're done so we'll see what happens do you see what's transforming in front of you ladies and gentlemen he came in here he was acting like agents remember agent from rock he was always taught he that's only in the beginning

now he's going to vegas he's banging out dull he's got new sneakers he's juicing he threw the roommate out he's a fucking savage throw that's what happens when you become part of the church what's happening now movement movement in your life you keep evolving you get up in the morning you wash your pussy except this filthy fuck he wants to sit at the black deck table his ass fermenting like a tomato you don't need that shit what for one day for the external for the no i'm not gonna no it's something that's probably not like a hundred to me i want you to relax the whole thing about gambling because i don't want you to feel any anxiety i don't want you to race against the clock i don't want you to gamble because you're tired yeah well we remember that gambling

is in the fucking mind the reason why that mexican kid beat that blackhead that he wasn't better than he wasn't better than he was just more fucking prepared yeah and in his mind he goes i'm not scaring nobody i'm gonna go in there and fucking take him he probably saw the fight in his fucking head something i definitely don't do and something where you don't probably do but he saw it you're a fucking smart guy i try don't don't cut yourself short for saving 50 bucks if i can make an extra 500 you just make it if i have a good first couple days maybe i'll you're gonna do you're gonna do great then friday you bang out a few fucking games the saturday you're gonna shrimp cocktail it's gonna cost you to change your flight on southwest unless i know you because you got the

juke like the 69 dollar each way which means they bang out for 800 when you call so you're gonna have to leave friday morning anyway because you have to win big big so it's gonna cost you 150 just to stay maybe 200 okay all right so you're gonna have to hit them for five grand so you gotta come home with seven grand it's not seven you're coming with seven fucking grand it's gonna be five grand on the table there because you gotta cover the fucking pretty soon it's gonna be a hundred you're gonna come back with a hundred grand you're gonna you're gonna come back with a Bentley 20 torturing me you know i'm torturing you what's that sound guy thing that i don't forget this week i'm gonna be in miami rocking the motherfucking house at yucca suckers friday eight o'clock go to

south beach comedy festival get your tickets now i appreciate all the love i've been getting lat lately from the nasties and all you guys looking out which is the most and fucking important thing every day i've got lisa yadda you're busting out some music i love you guys with all my heart see you wednesday unless you gotta drive some of the airport this week two times in the fucking eight months we're doing it two times fucking you go you go to tennessee you got all these things i'm always here mondays or wednesday no you're not lee i'll fucking stab you yeah and i'm here so i'm here it's two times i've had to move it nine hours later nine hours later we could have done it at seven but you know i don't want to get i don't want to get out the people are up now

it's fucking them because they're getting home from work especially these girls big shout out death squad hauling death squad organizations all over the country from minneapolis to nashville stop rubbing your head cock so you can do it it's a big joy we gotta go to work but fucking wednesday at six get ready to eat an edible we're giving you a cheapo i can't eat an edible right before i get on the plane you're fucking what you're gonna what tell me why you can't eat that before because i gotta drive to the airport who gives a fuck that's the best thing the last time you gave me an edible and i had to drive i showed up two an hour and a half early because i was nervous about driving well at least you'll be out of time for your flight

you get the early check and then your flight southwest fuck that for the extra four fifty it's a burbank why am i gonna fucking you don't get the early check in why am i gonna do the origin where you're lucky gonna get c 94 you get stuck in the middle with two people around you and you have to smell this guy who brought on a cheeseburger and this guy smells like salami it's an hour flight i'll bring on a cheeseburger to uh to combat it i gotta teach this fucking i'm a jew i'm not gonna pay 20 bucks to get on early well 15 you get on there like a doctor never listen never the same why run down there fuck one of them when you can walk on and fuck them on who am i fucking nobody but you're living like a doctor that's what i'm fucking my point is

this is the point of the story here right i'll try and i love you have a great fucking week thank you for checking in with a little box today fucking god and i'm robots because if we're both high we can make this work i love you guys play some music from what you got you got that do you want you said time going all right let's do a shit all right joey ds.net don't forget about me but actually direct so You