Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #042 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, February 24th..... Today, we talked about the being a Father, Change & Joey’s 6th Grade Band.... This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.ExpressVPN.com/Joey Go to https://www.CBDLion.com/JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

Greetings, it's Wednesday, the 24th of February. The joint is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Let me ask you a question. When you use the bathroom, do you close the door behind you? You don't want people looking in on you, right? So why would you let people see what you look at online? Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like going to the bathroom

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Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the back. Check. One, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 24th of February. I got no snots in my nose today.

Everything's beautiful. Let's start off by thanking Governor Murphy. Right now, fucking Governor Newsom is getting darts thrown at that cocksucker. But my Governor Murphy is on the ball and shit. We smoked a number yesterday. We fucking got it all out of the way. So it's legal in New Jersey.

So for all you haters that were fucking talking shit in the beginning and goofing on me, ha ha. We could smoke it wherever the fuck we want. I don't wanna smoke on the podcast because I've been smoking on podcasts for the last fucking 10 years. What's another joint? Go smoke a joint by yourself, cocksuckers.

But anyway, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Fucking something happened today. I'm gonna tug at your heartstrings again because this tugged at mine. I've been thinking about this for a while. And again, I let life throw me fucking signs. You know, I could come in here, like I said, until we get things going

and the numbers are going down in New Jersey. I think it's zero, eight, eight point transmission. So things are starting to fucking whatever. I'm trying to get the kid needle over at CVS to get a shot. You know, I'm trying to put the pieces together, but that's not why we're here today. I'm excited about tonight doing some standup.

My leg feels better. I heard it the other day, but I went to the doctor Monday after the podcast and fucking, I went to therapy and they just said I just pulled a little fucking muscle. The knee is good, so I'm good, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, a muscle. It was just a little muscle.

You put a little heat on it. I put ice and that's it. What the fuck you want from me? You smoke reefer. That's what we do. You want to heal? A little CBD line, some reefer. But what I want to talk to you guys about

was something that happened on Sunday in my house here. And it's going to, Sunday, it's going to blow up eventually. You know, I don't know when it's going to blow up in my face. Sunday, we, I went for a ride. I had to run some errands. My daughter and I should have talked about this on Monday, but I saw the law and order on Monday night and that's what made me put this whole thing together.

Sunday afternoon, my daughter and my wife went tubing last weekend in Pennsylvania with a bunch of moms. They had a great time, you know, my daughter's having a great time here. That was the whole thing of me moving was for her and she's living the life of fucking Raleigh. So they went tubing and it was weird because Saturday night I had a show

and I didn't really think about it. You know, when I got there, I looked at the time. It was eight o'clock when I got to Uncle Vinnie's and then I said, you know what? They usually go to bed around 9.30. Let me call them now and just say good night. When I call my wife, she's like, what? We're at the fucking pool.

We're at the pool. He's listening to them and they were jumping up and down. So at 9.30 when I got on stage, I talked to the owner. You know, I talked to Jim Florentine for a couple minutes and then my nephew drove me back and on the way home, my wife called and she goes, I just want you to know we're in the hotel. You know, we're going to take showers and stuff

and you can call us whenever you want, whenever you're ready. I go, okay, I'm just on my way home. I should be home 20, 30 minutes, whatever. I don't fucking know what I told them. I come home that night. I walk up the stairs, blah, blah, blah. I, you know, make my tea. I put my fucking capsules in it to go to sleep.

I was already going to sleep and all of a sudden the phone rang. I thought it was too late to call them. I go, you know, by now they're probably asleep. The phone rang at like 10.30 maybe, 10.45 and it was my wife and she goes, my daughter, your daughter wants to say good night and when she was saying good night to me, it was weird. She was like, good night, daddy.

And I'm like, good night, Mercy. And I didn't think about it at the time. I watched the night, you know, I was watching the honeymoon as a something. I was, I taped the 9.30 honeymooners and I was watching them because then they come out on 11, 11.30. So I was watching the 9.30 honeymooners and I was, you know, I was paying attention to the honeymooners.

I was talking to her at the same time and she just kind of said, I love you, daddy, miss you. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay. I go, all right, I'll see you tomorrow. And my wife goes, listen, when I come until later because we're going to get up and go to a pool at 9. We're all going to meet, eat breakfast and go to a pool at 9.

I go tremendous. That's even better. Let her get her fucking yas yas out. What's, what's she going to do in the neighborhood? It's just cold here, you know? So I do what I got to do on Sunday. I run some errands. I go to my buddy's house, my goombas house.

We smoke a number. I come back. I'm sitting on the thing. I got ice on my leg. I'm minding my own fucking business and I hear the garage door open and I go the girls are home, you know? And sure enough, a couple of minutes later, I hear the door open up

and it's my daughter and she's walking towards me and she's fucking boiling, right? And I'm like, what happened was if she sits on a certain side, when she opens the door, she always hits my car with the door and my wife says something to her. You know, she's fucking eight, you know? She doesn't know. She doesn't understand the concept.

I put her to the dent and she apologized. You know, that was it. So I saw her coming towards me crying and I go, what happened? I thought she was going to tell me I dented the car. Mommy's mad at me. She fucking dropped her stuff and ran to me and I was on the reclining chair. She just, I mean, guys, she just dropped on me and started crying.

And I go, what's the matter, Mary? Say, what happened? Did mommy mad at you? What happened? And she goes, I really missed you, daddy. I really missed you. I don't ever want to be without you again. I didn't like it when you used to leave and do comedy on the weekends,

but I knew you were making money for the house. But ever since we've been in Jersey, I don't want you to go out no more. I missed you a lot. She goes, I don't even like being without you. You know, next time we go on a family vacation, we all have to go together. Guys, she was glued to me the rest of the day. I guess it traumatized her.

You know, we've been together for the last fucking year. For the last year, we have not been apart at any and all at all. I've been with them every fucking night for a year now. Since February 29th of last year, she's been with me every fucking night. Eight o'clock, we watched bunks and fucking Jesse. Trust me, I watch all those shows. I know you're looking at me going, Joey, you're retarded. When you have a daughter or a kid, you got to watch those shows.

That's time. You know, so I don't watch them all day with her. So we have a window. Her shower's at 7.30 and then from 8 to 9, she watches Jesse and Bunked. And sometimes I let her stay up till 9.15. Like I play the attorney for, I say, Mom, she did a homework when she hit the mitts, let her fucking stay up till 9.15 and she stays with me. But this is what has happened.

Like, she was like, I just don't want to be without you. And I'm like, this is fucking weird, you know. Okay, whatever it is, she's eight, she's a young girl and I'm going to fulfill her wish, you know. Okay, you want me to stay? I mean, she doesn't mind me doing comedy or whatever, but I think she just wants me in the house. I have a process with her every night.

She comes down, we eat dinner. We all go to our separate corners. She finishes homework or does one of the programs to learn math and Spanish. And then we all jump in showers. Everybody has their own shower. You know, I got my little manscape cave and Mama's got her bath and Mercy's got her shower. And then we hook up again around 10 to 8.

We hook up, we sit down either in the living room or in the family room downstairs and we watched whatever those kids' shows are. You know, Bunk, Jesse, I don't even know. And I, you know, I'm high after time. So I'm sitting there watching them stone, giggling, all big city greens. I fucking love big city greens, you know. All those shit. I watch that when you have kids.

That's part of the time. I mean, she sits right on me and we watch this thing and that's our schedule at night. And then at 9.15, she goes up. I give her about 20 minutes and I go up there. While she's still falling asleep, I kiss her. I tell her, God bless her in Spanish. Your grandparents are watching over you and I grab her foot.

I always touch her foot. I have the same process every night. I come down, I hang with my wife. Then when my wife goes to bed, I walk my wife back up there and I go in the room and check on her again and pull the cover on her to make sure she's okay. And throughout the night, I'll go in there. Like if I wake up at 3 in the morning,

the first place I had is to my daughter's room to check up on her and make sure she's okay, the bed, the teddy bear, the whole fucking thing. So now that we got through with that one, I had to tell you that to get to the other one. It's like 60 minutes the other night. They were telling a story about the judge who got her husband and the son got shot

in New Brunswick, East Brunswick, the Supreme Court judge in August. Yeah, it was on 60 minutes. And she was just explaining how judges need to have privacy. I didn't know judges got fucking threatened like that. Listen, and me and my wife were talking about this. I go, I'm a fucking felon and I've never, ever even thought of threatening a fucking judge.

Listen, I'm a fucking convicted felon, bent to prison. I've never threatened a judge. I've never had a problem with a fucking police officer except one. I've never raised my hand to an officer one time. The guy that arrested me, not Jimmy Cola, I give him props and bold to his partner.

Didn't like me and I didn't like him and that happens in life. But any other cop, look, cops drive me to fucking Uncle Vinny's, either retired cops, active duty cops every fucking Tuesday. See, my nephew or my fucking best friend or my other fucking best friend, that's a cop, an NYPD cop.

So every week, you know, I like cops. I got nothing against them. But I suppose they get like fucking hundreds of thousands of threats, but when they were telling the story about the Spanish judge, they had to go into the other story about Trump, how he tweeted something about a Supreme Court justice about blocking the fucking travel ban or something

and how the kind of threats he was getting, he had to go to a restaurant with a bomb sniffing dog. Like I would never even dream of threatening a fucking judge. I fucking see a judge. I would give him the utmost respect because they have applied themselves to the law, something that I fucking dream I would have applied myself to, but I, you know, I am fucking sticking to laws.

But I respect that. There's some part of me being a cop, being a fireman, there's some part of me as a Cuban, I don't know what it is, being an immigrant that I got the utmost respect for fucking judges, but that's not my point. My wife was mad because she goes, why do I have to throw Trump into this?

And I go, because they had to use that to explain the story. So back to Monday night. Monday night, me and Mike do the podcast Monday, Monday night I'm sitting downstairs and I'm watching fucking Law and Order, the regular one. I don't watch SVU. I don't like that SVU. I did an episode, but I didn't fucking like it

because they talk about rapes and shit like that. So it bothers the fuck out of me. So I am waiting on Law and Order organized crimes. You know you're going to see me on one of those fucking episodes, or many of those fucking episodes. I'm going to try to get on that motherfucker as soon as possible. If anybody knows the producers or whatever, let them know. Uncle Joe, he's fucking interested in Law and Order organized crime.

I'm ready to go. I'll play whatever they want me to play. Joe, Fat Tony, I don't give a fuck at this point. Let's bring it on. Anyway, so sometimes when you tell a story, you got to show an example of something else to tell a great story. You want to see a great story teller? Fucking Sammy the Bull Grovon.

That's a great story teller. But anyway, Monday night's episode of Law and Order, you know, they play 82,000 of them. I've seen 84,000 of them and I've seen each episode 20,000 times. But sometimes we just sit there across the bridge to wait for like, I'm dying up here or something to come on. We'll watch the telling of Law and Order. And there was about a girl that wanted to reach out to her father.

Her father and her mother had had an affair and she had gotten pregnant. And she wanted to reach out to her father. And the father was now married. He had a child of his own. He had his own family and he didn't want nothing to do with her. You know, and I thought about my situation with my ex-daughter. I mean, listen, for me to move on, like I've mourned my daughter quicker than I mourned Ralphie because with my daughter,

the quicker I moved on from my daughter, the quicker. I mean, it was just holding me down the pain. But I still think about it every day. I know I lied to you people and tell you that in my mind, she's dead. You know, I'm lying to you that she still crosses my mind every day at some point in the day. And once a month I look her up on our social media just to look at her, you know, I don't reach out.

I don't, uh, I don't cross the line. I respect her, you know, whatever she wants. She doesn't want to talk to me. That that's something that I have to deal with, you know. But what really amazed me about my daughter the other day that I didn't understand is that for the first time in my life, if you see me and I look good and I look happy and I'm having a good time, I got something for the first time in my life that for years, I mean, and I'm not, I'm not,

you know, your mind is the strongest weapon in the world. Okay. Your mind is so fucking strong and you have to learn to control your mind. And sometimes it is mental illness. Sometimes it is mental awareness. But sometimes your mind could take you into fucking depots and you like the, you know, work, I don't know, Minecraft, Warcraft. I don't know.

My daughter plays some game and some guy told me not to let her play it because it takes you into different levels. Do your mind works the same way? You know, let me just give you this example. I know we've been talking a lot about it, but I have to give you this example to understand, you know, so my, my father dies. My mother dies in 84. My uncle pretty much rejects me.

Who's blood in 84. My godfather pretty much rejects me. He asked me to sell coke and in, I don't know, 2004, my daughter decided. She wanted to disown me also, you know, so I'm coming from a place where in your mind, if you really want to be, feel, you know, like if you really want to feel bad for yourself, I got every right to do so and say that nobody wanted me. I mean, nobody wanted me at the end of the day. My mother fucking took off.

My dad took off. You know, they saw me at the hospital. My dad's like, I'm not putting up with this big foot, big foot, big ear motherfucker. My mother took off. My uncle told me to go fucking myself and granted I'm straight with my uncle today and we love each other daily. I spoke to him last night. You know, my godfather, he could burn in fucking hell. Last night I heard from him.

He's in Boca Raton or one of those, the keys for years. I thought I'm going down and stabbing him in the fucking lung, but what would that do? You know, my daughter doesn't want me. You know, my ex-wife won't, whatever. So part of me always has felt as a rejected person. I mean, if you really look at it, you know, you have to be, you have to be real with yourself from time to time and look at the fucking what's in front of you. You have to say to yourself, nobody wanted me. Nobody that was my blood wanted me, you know.

And yet now I talk to my cousins and I, you know, and listen, my cousins came into my life way before any of this thing started. My cousins came into my life in like 2009, right after I got married. My two cousins raised their hands. They came to the comedy store. No, I met them at the improv. I got a call from the improv that they had seen my name on the gazebo. I wasn't even at the store then. So my cousins, yeah, I'm in touch with my cousins now.

And, you know, I got a little successful after I met my cousins. They're very successful. And I talked to them. We're still tight today. I'm tight with all my family members, but for a couple of fucking years there, I walked around knowing deep down inside that nobody fucking wanted me. And I know a lot of you people that watch this show or listen to the podcast, whatever, have at some point in your life felt that way. You know, my ex-wife didn't want me, you know, after a while it wears on your fucking soul. I don't care how fucking tough you are, you know, and you know what?

I'm happy it happened because it toughened me up for comedy. It toughened me up for comedy, getting used to it. A lot of people, you know, it's very hard to start comedy, but it's very easy to quit because the rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected. It's at any level, whether it's a date, whether it's a piece of gum, you know, if I come up to you and go, let me bum a smoke, go fuck yourself. What? You know, nobody likes to be rejected. So for a long time, I felt really fucking rejected, you know. The first time I felt like I belonged to a society was when I became a comedian.

But besides that, I always was a fucking lost soul. Once I became a comedian and Mitzi Short took me in and my wife took me in. I still had those feelings that nobody wanted me. I still had those feelings that nobody wanted me, but that settled down over the years. When I got married in 2009, that settled it down a little bit. You know, as things went on and my daughter was born, that settled it a little bit, but I still have these from time to time. I'm just human, just like you guys. I'm a sinner, you know, I cut when I bleed, you know, and I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you.

I have emotions and I have shortcomings and I have, you know, and we all have them. Some people don't want to acknowledge them. I have made a career. I have made a life out of acknowledging my weaknesses so I can make myself a better person. I've always tried to be a better person, but unless you look at your weaknesses with an honest fucking view, it's not going to fucking pan out for you. So for me, I was just trying to be honest with myself. Nobody fucking wants me. You know, I got to figure something to fuck out, you know, so that's why I think comedy came in.

I mean, as a kid, my mother was a great mother to me, a great mother. But in my mind, after she died, like I said, the mind is a powerful fucking machine. And if you start adding fucking Adderall and all that anxiety medication to it, that's why the mind is a powerful machine. People hang themselves, whatever. I don't know. I'm not a specialist on it. But just alone, the mind is a fucking powerful machine because they'll take you and put you into a corner that you don't even know you're going in. You're painting yourself into a corner.

That's why you always have to be on top of your mental health. You always have to check yourself. Shit. I've watched these podcasts, you know, I sit down and I watch them and I'm like, I'm not right. Today I feel good. Today I feel tip top fucking my goal. I had a good night's sleep. I thought fucking Monday I was going to go to fucking the doctor and the doctors on time.

I needed another surgery. There was just so many fucking things, you know, I got my relief band on, you know, me dog. I'm happening. I'm happening. I'm ready to go. But for years, I felt very, very, very, very rejected. And then Mercy was born. And like I told you, motherfuckers, fuck you.

I, you know, I got a, I have to show you that I'm strong. So I have to say that. Yes, I, you know, Jackie's gone. My older daughter's gone. There's nothing I could do. I don't, you know, she's dead to me. But if you know anything about my heart and my soul, you know, I'm lying to you guys. You know that I think about where she is every day at one point of the day.

It's not like I cry. I'm not going to bullshit you. No, I just think. And once a month, I do go and check on her social media. Once a month, maybe once every other month, I Google her to see what she looks like today. You know, the last picture I Googled of her, I could see my cheeks in her face and my smile doesn't hurt. No, it feels like a finger in the ass. Yeah, it fucking hurts.

It hurts all the way to the core of my soul. But the higher power threw me a consolation prize. And I have to accept it because she's more than a consolation prize. She's my heart, that little girl. So when she ran in here the other day and just jumped on top of me and fell like that. I mean, her weight was dead on my chest. I had ice on my knee. I'm like, what the fuck?

She was just dead. And the tears were pouring from her eyes. And I was, you know, just, I just held her and her mother came in and looked at me and went, you don't know. And then when she went upstairs, the mother told me, she goes, it started about 9.30 last night. She started on the hill. She said she wished daddy would have came just to watch that she knew I couldn't fucking go down the tube because of my knee. But she goes then about 9.30 came and she remembered the honeymooners and not your date night. And it was fucking off the charts from then.

In my heart, yes, I feel fucking special as fuck that my daughter loves me. And so I had to write her, you know, I journaled to her too. That's another one of my fucking many fucking jobs. I journaled. I tried to journal her and this journal I wrote it was, listen, man, if you're going to freak out about me, you know, if you're reading this, I'm done. If you're reading this fucking journal is because I'm fucking capuch. This weekend you went skiing or tubing, whatever the fuck, you were gone for one night and you came back crying. I appreciate the love and I appreciate the tears and stuff.

But if you're reading this, I'm gone. And if you cried over me being gone one fucking night, you're going to lose it like I did when my mother died, when your grandmother died. I go, so keep it the fuck together. All right, get it together. You know, I love you. This is why I write this journal. You know, I fucking love you. You know, I care about you're not going to have any doubts.

Not like me. I sit here today wondering what the fuck happened with my mother. She's not going to have those doubts because as soon as I fucking punched the ticket and they throw me in the incinerator, I wasn't going to get buried and go through the whole thing. Fuck that. I don't want no creepy funerals no more. After that last funeral, I went to that sit. Now they put a net over you. You got to hold your hand.

No, no, no, no. Just burn me. And then you got to go. I got to go visit the grave every month. I got to go now when the fucking snow clears and undig my mother up there because that's going to cost me a fucking arm and a leg up there to fucking. No, just just burn me after they burned me. They're going to give her a box and it's going to have all the notebooks that I've written journal to her. So she knows all my feelings, how I felt throughout me being her dad and her growing up.

She's going to know from the videos. I, you know, that I'm not too proud of, but you know, what are you going to do about that? She's going to see the video of me and Rogan getting in trouble. She's probably going to giggle, you know, she's going to see all these things, but she's also going to read that journal and reading and seeing is two different things and appreciating. She's going to appreciate. I wrote that journal. I wish my mother would have wrote a journal to me. Thank I want to give a shout out to Jack Stella from son's anarchy to turn me on to writing a journal to his kids.

I thought that was the most brilliant fucking thing I ever saw in my life. He used to write a journal to his kid or I want to give a shout out to the creative. But for right now, Jack Stella fucking did it first. When I saw a Jack Stella that I'm like, that's exactly what I got to do. And you got to be that honest with them in the journal. Write that journal for your kid. Now you're like, fuck you, Joey. Fuck you.

First, I got to write a journal for me every day. Now I got to write one for my kid. You want your kid to walk around when you're dead like a fucking mama. You ever see these kids they walk around? My father died. Like I did. I was a fucking retard when my mother died. I was making stories up in my head that I was going to get a half a million dollars from somewhere that there was a hidden will in my head.

That's what happens to kids when your fucking mother dies young and you don't have a support system and you don't have somebody to tell you the fucking truth around you. It took five years for somebody to tell me the truth. I didn't want to fucking accept it. I almost shot him, my uncle. We almost went to war. I don't want that to happen to my daughter. I want my daughter to know what happened every fucking step along the goddamn way. Do you understand me?

I'm sorry. I'm thirsty. I've been talking too much. You know what I'm saying? But it just really shocked me that for the first time ever, like, and besides you guys, I mean, listen, you guys are my family. You guys come to the shows, you applaud and all that. And that filled, that probably filled a big void in my heart, you know? I mean, we all do something for a reason.

I mean, I've turned this podcast the last few weeks into something since we have all this time on our hands. It's a great time to self analyze yourself and see what's going on. What's not going on. What's going wrong. This has been a fucking tremendous. This is, I hate this pandemic for taking lives. I hate this pandemic for shutting schools. I hate this pandemic for a lot of things, but this pandemic has a silver lining to it.

Everything always does in a life. This pandemic has a silver lining because every day during this pandemic, I have gotten stronger and better. Yeah, my comedy skills went down. Maybe as many people aren't watching the podcast as they used to. Maybe I'm not as funny as I am no more, but I have changed. I have truly changed. My thoughts, my way of thinking, you know, how I look at things and I see how other people have changed their ways of thinking. I'm watching what has gone on in a regular world that wouldn't happen to Tom Segura.

I just got a call from a dear friend of mine that has been on a podcast. Tom Rhodes had an incident in his life. I mean, he's okay. You know, I'm not going to talk his business, but, you know, he had something happen to him that would never happen to somebody in a lifetime. So the world, yes, it's on its access, but this gives you a time to just one hour a day. I don't want you to fucking dwell on it for eight hours like a jerk off. You know, Mike got me a guitar. I want to thank Mike about a big round of applause.

My brother Mike got me a guitar. You know, I told Mike goes, we'll do some lessons. I go, Mike, right now my head is not for lessons. So yeah, and I went on YouTube and I pressed in guitar lessons. Holy shit. Holy shit. I feel like a fucking asshole because I mean, you can learn how to do anything on the fucking line. My friend told me to type in the knee surgery they did on me that you can see the surgery being done.

I don't want to see that shit, but I typed in how to play the fucking guitar and I was blown the fuck away. So I watched three different videos and there was one long head guy, real dirty white guy. I kind of loved him. He looked like a junkie. I could tell at one time he was nodding, but his fucking videos are fucking good and he could play. So I watched his one video and he said that for the first week. All I want you to do is pick up the guitar at night for one hour and just play and just get used to handling it. Don't connect it to any amps or nothing.

You know, the first night I got an amp somewhere. I was only coming to him blow it up. Hello Cleveland, you know, by myself, but I don't know how to do none of that stuff. But I think I needed a hobby and I think Mike fucking solved the trick for me. So, you know, sometimes it takes somebody else to fucking figure out what you need in your life. Sometimes you do need a little push. So for the first week, I'm just going to sit there at night for an hour after my wife goes to bed. It's a fucking great guitar.

I'm just going to play it with my little pic and make believe I'm Keith Richards. Every night I'm somebody different. So I've been doing it for three nights now. The first night I was Keith Richards. The second night I was David Gilmore. And last night I was Jimmy Page. Boy, I was a horrible Jimmy Page. Tonight I'm Tony I owe me.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm going to have to cut my fingers off. And then Friday I'm going to be Vivian Campbell. I got a different count every night. And then Monday, my Monday, I'm going to have my first lesson, I think, online. And then I'm going to dress up with the suit like that. One guitar player that wears a suit with short hair. He's fucking great.

Jack Waite? What's his name? Jack Waite? No. No, I don't know what his name is. He wears a fucking like an 800-hour suit. Fucking shrimp. No, not Prince.

Fuck. That's next Wednesday I'm going to be Prince. I'm going to do Sign of the Times by myself. Boom, boom, boom, boom. You don't have to have somebody play the bass here. Boom, boom, boom, boom by themselves. But you know, listen, this is a secret passion in mind for years. Listen, when you see 10 comedians, five of them are failed musicians.

Okay. And it's the other way around, too. And it's the other way around, too. So I know that I failed as a musician. No. You know, I played the band, but we lip-synced. We were like kids. We were like kids in 1975.

So we would put... No, come on, Mike. You know me better than that. No, no, no. We just wore jeans and sneakers and Converse sneakers. And I was the lead singer because my voice hadn't changed yet. So I had a good voice. And my man, Dean Lapreet, played the guitar.

My buddy John played the bass. And my man Ray Canella, who I still talk to, played the fucking drums. His father was a jazz drummer. So we would meet over his house every day. What I remember the most about the Canellas was that his mother used to have salsa. So you would put Kool-Aid in the class and use the salsa to make Kool-Aid. God damn, that shit is good. I used to drink...

Every time I go, would I make 19 of those fucking Kool-Aids with salsa. I'd be farting for two fucking days after that. I was in a band. We didn't have a name. We were preparing to play in the school thing. So what we did was, like, Dean really did play the guitar. And John was like a beginning bass player. And Ray was a fucking great drummer. And I was a great singer.

You know, I had that Michael Jackson quality to me, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I really did. So our first song that we sang was Help by the Beatles. I should. No, the only album we did was Help by the Beatles, the whole soundtrack, whatever. So we would sing the whole album with the album on. And then we'd try to do it without the album on. It was a fucking disaster.

So every band we played, every band we played, we'd break two needles, the three of us, but we're not the Beatles anyway. You can call me C, whatever the fuck. You can call me DMC. I don't fucking know. What were we talking about? The band. So this is what fucking happened with the band, all right?

We were doing great. We were in the sixth grade. Every day we rehearsed. I was on fire. I was like fucking, what was his name? You see the Motley Crue movie, The Dirt? Yeah, like when they kneel, kneel, whatever his name is. When they first got him, that was me, Doug.

I was fucking hot and shit in the sixth grade. In the sixth grade, Mr. Lovito used to let me go up in front of the class every Friday and sing My Eyes Adored You by Frankie Valley in the Four Seasons. So every fucking Friday I would be a crooner. I would dress up like with a shirt with my big fucking ears and I'd sing My Eyes Adored You. And girls would go, take a walk, get away from us. Like fucking girls hated me. I would make believe like I was a crooner, like in fucking The Godfather.

Though I never lay the hand on you, My Eyes Adored You. Get the fuck out of here. So I started doing that. So they were like, you can sing. You should join our band. We're looking for a lead singer. So I was like, fuck it, I'm in. So I showed up down there.

We rehearsed like a month, Doug. Did you ever play at the school? Listened to wait till the fucking zinger here. So we kept doing it, doing it, doing it. But we didn't want to do a beatle. We didn't want to do all beatle songs. Like all of us weren't into the fucking beatles. We like, we all voted on help.

That was the best one. I need somebody help, not just anybody help. You know, I need someone help. When I was younger, so much younger than today. All that shit, I loved that. I loved all that shit. But the rest of that, I didn't dig. So we had a vote, right?

We were like, what other songs do you want to add? Dean was an animal. You know, Dean LaPreet, my boy, he was an animal. And so was Ray. They had older brothers. So they were showing up with Steppenwolf. You know, they were showing up with all that shit. And I'm learning the lyrics.

I remember Steppenwolf. Oh, another song I'm going to play tonight. I forget. I forgot it. We wake up every morning on a long clock. Long clocks morning. Take the 815 to the city. It's taking care of business.

Taking care of business. Yeah. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. So much easier than I think. I'm telling you, dog, we will. So we got into that. But the bass player didn't want to play that. He was like, we need to do Beatles or I quit.

And we're like, God damn it. We're just getting going on whatever. Taking care of business. The one born to be wild. Yeah. Okay. They had older, older brothers. So like they, their music tastes were not like, I think,

I don't know if they showed up with Led Zeppelin. I'd love to lie to you and tell you they did. But no, I would love to lie to you. It was Steppenwolf born to be wild if that's who sang it. Taking care of business. The other song that they had that was also big was give me your money, please. And help. And then we weren't going to switch it up.

They had more ideas. In the sixth grade, if you notice, when I do the album of the week, I don't talk about the sixth grade. I wasn't really, you know, I wasn't really too, I was into pop music in the sixth grade. I knew, I know who Elton John was. I know who, you know, love. Yeah.

Love to love you, baby. Don't mention Donnie and Marie, please. That fucking Donnie Osmond caused me more pussy in the seventh grade than anybody. That fucking cockblocking cocksucker. I lived through Donnie. Then I got caught with fucking that cocksucker office and the gentleman Richard gear. He fucked my shit up for years. Forget it.

I'm not even talking to you, mother fuckers. No more. So we were going to expand and play. But John didn't, he just want to do Beatles. He was a legitimate Beatles fan. And he still is. And I love them for it. But we're like, John, we want to expand.

He got all David on us. So we had a vote and we voted him out of the band. And then we continued, but we couldn't find the bass player. There was only one other bass player, but this kid was just too heavy. Like not fat, like he wasn't fat. No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. In the sixth grade, he already had long hair.

He already had like a fucking mustache, like a beard. You know, he was one of those sixth graders. He was already like dating white girls. He had groupies and shit. He was a tremendous guitar player and the bass player. Like he could do whatever the fuck you wanted. So we were going to team him up. He said, you know, we'll do two guitars on one song or one bass or whatever.

But he couldn't keep it together. I think he started glue. Like he was doing whatever that drug wasn't whatever was big in the 70s that kids were doing. He was doing. Was he the glue or sniffing toothpaste? And he wouldn't show up for fucking rehearsals and shit. So we fucking fired him. But I'm going to tell you an interesting story and we'll close with this.

When my mother died, guess whose family took me in? John, the bass player we fired. Yes. There was no hard feelings. There were hard feelings. There were hard feelings, but he had a heart and he at that age, he was a good man. He's still a good man and he decided it was his father. But that's really weird that we voted him out of the band.

And four years later, I'm living with him in this fucking house. Life has a fucking weird way of fucking showing up and kicking you in the stomach. And that's it for this week, Wednesday, the 24th of February. I want to thank you guys for watching Uncle Joey's joint for fucking always being there for us, for supporting us. You know, we got your back. Don't forget tonight. There's a great fucking game on. I think it's Memphis against New Orleans.

I think that's what it is. If you're not fucking around with DraftKings tonight's a good fucking game. It's a good line. The line is a little fucked up. Take a look at it on DraftKings tonight. It's going to be a fucking great game. And that's it. And that's that it's been a fucking full fucking week.

I got shit to do on people to see. But I really learned a really big fucking lesson Sunday that I just your mind is too fucking strong. Sometimes don't let your mind throw that own negative shit on you. You know, we could all throw pity parties. We could all throw pity parties, but I refused to and I'm happy I did. I'm happy that I don't throw pity parties in my mind anymore. That was a bad thing to do. And I have my daughter back.

And that's all that matters of my older daughter ever wants to come into my life. She's always welcome. Always welcome. Whatever happened between us. I could care less. I love them more today than I ever loved. Life just doesn't always work out the way you want it to. So you have to adjust to it yourself and take what they give you and be grateful.

And that's what I'm doing right now every day, especially with Uncle Joey's joining with you guys. So thank you for watching. Thank you for Patreon. Thank you for being here. And I'm sorry if the Patreon podcast was fucked up today. I want to welcome Cara to our staff. She's going to be helping. My niece is going to be helping me on Patreon.

She's a college student. She just made the honor roll. And there's no jobs by her where she's going to school up in Rochester. So I just told her father, you know, her father, George is like my brother. He took me in in 1985 and here we are and we're still friends. And so I wanted to repay the favor. So she's on our new Patreon payroll also. Thanks to you guys.

So thank you very much for watching the joint. I love you guys. Don't forget to support our sponsors. CBD Lion Express VPN, Draft Kings, Relief Band, CBD Lion. I don't give all of them. Give them all the love and respect they deserve. Use code Joey on it. Respect them all.

I love you guys. Have a great week. Thank you very much for being here. And we'll see you Monday morning. Tip top motherfucking Magoo. All right. I want to thank you fucking savages for putting up with my bullshit on another beautiful Wednesday. It's going to be a great week.

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Tonight at Uncle Vinny's. Yeah. I'm at Uncle Vinny's tonight and all through March. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week and I'll see you Monday morning. Thank you.