Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 04/24/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #02

Episode Date: April 26, 2013

Bert 'The Machine" Kreischer joins Joey and Lee for the second live podcast. Taped live at the Ice House on 04/24/2013

Sorry Joey just made me eat another edible today, so I'm fucking already feeling it well We're gonna start off the same as last time Joey's gonna come up. I'm gonna come up And then we're gonna have our guests come up, so we're gonna open with a joey DS come on buddy What's happening what's happening keep it going one more time to flying juice one more time Thank you very much for coming out I appreciate you guys a lot of shit to do on Wednesdays You know that's what's happening here, but Pasadena. It's fucking exciting. You know a lot of shit's going on I'm happy to fly and you came out. Listen. I just went to give him another edible only fucking But I really ain't an edible this fucking morning, okay

Fucking stab you cocksucker He ate a little little tiny piece and I called my two hours later. It was past a hello The fuck by that time I done jumping jacks. I want the routes. I hung out with the baby I changed diapers and you're fucking sleeping cocksucker Fucking guy He's like yeah, I love him and now some guy could Jordan was kind enough to bring like a space cake And he goes you're gonna eat it fuck. Yeah, you want a piece? No, what are you gonna do? I have to go home and go to sleep. Well, this is what a fucking help you

This to help you to dream and fucking color. What was the last time you dreamt in color cocksucker? You wake up in the middle of night. You got cotton mouth. You got a pee in shit. You dehydrated your kidneys hurt. I Had a fucked up experience today fucked up. Let's get to the bottom of this shit All right, so I hate needles. I hate doctors. I hate all that shit, but I've gotten comfortable lately Like the last three years I've converted to health some people convert to Islam some people convert I converted to health. I got fucking insurance. I got anything anything a cough a Fucking toenail hurts. I go down to that doctor 15 bucks. I don't give a fuck. I'm that's what I need I'm a hypochondriac. I'm not gonna lie to you people

So I go to acupuncture try to get my life together So I went to this one doctor and he gives me a shot He goes, you know what you got to go to this other doctor for us to give you the prescription So I want to see this other fucking guy today, and that's what it was like I'm gonna be like a mafia doctor you go in there and they tell you got headaches You tell them no and they give you your pills and they wink at you Now this motherfucker wants to you know, I took one you only got a weed license Like ten years ago if you went to get a weed license, they would just ask you know, what's your symptom?

I went to via I get flashbacks of Vietnam, but I was never there. All right, good You can smoke marijuana make sure you smoke out of a vaporizer We want you to take care your lungs who gives a fuck guy the fuck you're front and for now you want to throw in a vaporizer I'm gonna I'm gonna take this piece of paper. I'm gonna roll into a big fucking joint That's what I'm gonna do right away. They're like you have to vaporize take care your lungs doc. Listen I'm gonna go fucking bananas at the dispensary as we speak. I'm gonna eat butane. I'm doing everything gorilla biscuits THC oil on my nut sack. I'm going nuts You understand I'm gonna go home and bathe and fucking THC

But it's funny, so I had to go this doctor tonight. I thought he was just gonna get me out of this motherfucker's like Well, I need to check you out and I'm like right away and I took like let me tell I hate going to the doctor for certain things Because you don't know what they're gonna test you for All right, so right away. I know when you go to those type of doctors. They're gonna look at your asshole They just got that asshole look to him whatever they Doctor that looks in your asshole has like a certain title I don't know what the fuck the title is because I wouldn't know I don't want nobody No, I don't care what I make a year sticking fingers up people's asses is not a fucking living for me

You know, I don't mind like but I fucked the gloves and shit. You gonna stick your finger. You just got to be raw Fuck it. Fuck. There's no safe sticking your finger up somebody's ass right around. They're safe sex But nobody said you know what I stuck my finger some chicks ass and I put a glove on because I want to have safe sex Fuck no, I'm sticking my finger up her ass. I'm going commando This this fingers going fucking commando So right away he looks at me before you leave I got to check you out that meant a finger up the ass So right away, you know me. I'm a fat fuck. I went to the bathroom wipe my ass Because sometimes you take a shit in the rush and you get in your car. You think I have a hemorrhoid

Because you your ass is on fire once you hit the 405 and you want to scratch it You know, you left a little fucking residue in there Sometimes just leave some tucked in there that burns the fucking hemorrhoid And you're on fire you get that your ass is on fire and you go to routes and you go to scratch There's a little shit on your finger I got to wipe it on your gene and shit like By the yogurt section I got to wipe it right here The checkout line yo, we smell your finger

Ravcar, what are you talking about Ravcar? I was I was in a stinky finger fucking coma here Some people want a food coma in a stinky finger coma. You like that shit. I just wrote that So I go to this doctor and right away I went to the bathroom my wife, right? And I took a piss and I'm on circumcise. I don't have underwear on so I didn't want it to have aftereleak So I don't want to have aftereleak. So I wiped my dick with the tissue and I threw it away, right? So now I go in there and he goes all right He checks out my blood pressure looks at my eyes my nose my ears He goes all right drop your pants. So I know there's gonna be a problem with my asshole. I can just feel it

But he says no no no no looks straight ahead. This guy grabbed my dick and my balls And squeezed my balls like he was serious, you know what I'm saying? And he goes look the other way and I look the other way and I'm like this motherfucker. How creepy is this shit? What was the last time somebody squeezed your balls and made you look the other way in the seventh fucking grade, you know what I'm saying? Squeeze your balls look the other way and cough that's fucking disgusting now I can't fucking cough you're squeezing my fucking nuts. I'm thinking about I can't even fucking breathe. I'm about that anxiety attack you fuck So then he goes all right everything feels great down there. I know I've been fucking feeling everything If I'd have felt the lump you would have met me fucking earlier. Don't you think?

So now he's like all right get against his head put your hands on the table and get to like a ski position And I knew the other doctor told me the one time I got a finger up the ass He told me laying the table going to the the fetal position, right? And I didn't even feel the thing up go. I didn't feel it. It was like in my belly button I didn't it was too and when you got a finger hit your belly button You think all the times you were like a girl was messing around in your house like washing and you stuck your finger up her Ass and she straightens up it all comes back to you that karma every finger that you stuck up an ass Remember like in the same thing like like remember when you were young and you went to finger bank somebody

And you didn't really know how to finger bank. I'm like, you didn't know what a pussy was because when you're 13 You think the pussy's right here, but it's deep deep deep in there And sometimes after the first night in the winter, you don't know where you are And you're gonna stick your fucking hand into that pussy, but you got ass you ever get ass like you And now you got like a like a like a fucking ono palma mix on your hand You got like pussy and ass ono palma style You remember when you were young you fingered somebody you wouldn't wash your hands for weeks Remember that shit

You walk home with a semi fucking stroke hand and shit You in the third You in the sixth grade you got this little fucking stroke hand and shit Your mom's like wash your hands. We're eating good. I ain't eating dinner no more I'm just gonna sit in the corner sniff this pussy off my Past the salt you know what I'm saying That's why I eat edibles because I get fucking crazy on stays This motherfucker shoved the finger up my ass

But it's just oh, listen, I've had a finger up my ass and it's enjoyable It's enjoyable. It really is I was telling Lydia now You don't know what it's like to have a a chick stick a good good finger up your ass and massage your prostate While she's sucking on your pipe. That's a part. Look at this girl. Yeah Yeah, when you get older you stick for you learn you learn how to tickle the asshole and shit That's the money shot right there. That's that's when you get the diamonds in a nice car and shit right there A lot of women those finger fuck you're like a savage. That's not the whole patois It's a certain thing. You just don't stick your finger up there. You gotta manipulate the asshole at first

Put like a magnet in your finger. You know what I'm saying And make the asshole open up a little bit. Anyway, that's a different chapter Why are we even talking about that shit? But today the whole thing in the ass. That's it. I'm done I left I got in that car. I called my wife and I called every name in the book you cocksucker What's the matter doctor? Just shut the finger up my ass. I was pissed on magnolia. I almost fucking crashed the car I went right to the weed store. I bought a box of fucking edibles for like a month I was just to go home and fucking and I wiped my ass and it was like blood and shit This doctor was a savage

That motherfucker fucked my ass. Hold up. He even my back hurts. You ever get finger in the ass? And your back hurts. I think he fucked up a kidney or something like that in there Mother fucker. Dr. J fingers and shit Thank you very much for coming out tonight. It's gonna be a great show As usual, I'm gonna introduce my co-host somebody brought fucking donuts And I can't wait to dig him because I'm high. You follow me When he emailed me he said I got donuts. I'm like, this is my type of motherfucker right here Some people call you up with his shirt. He fucking bypassed that whole thing. He's like, I got donuts, bitch. What's happening beautiful?

I got donuts you cocksucker. But anyway, I'll bring my co-host up to the main man He keeps us together the flying jume is to Lisa Yeah What's happening cocksucker? How you doing? All right, who are you kidding your edibles aren't gonna last a month. Oh, fuck that You had two boxes. It's gonna last until sunday. It don't matter because you're eating half of them. I'm fucking monday I call him the night before league get ready for tomorrow cocksucker Eat breakfast because I'm bringing over some edibles here read the name of the company

I can't see what like my glasses and shit ever since I stopped doing coke my eyesight went to fuck When I was doing coke, I had 20 fucking 40 vision. I could see through walls under carpets And they're cupcakes. It's cupcake Kathy and she's here. All right. Where's this beautiful cupcake Kathy? I love this I love you guys. I'm gonna eat these We're gonna fucking eat these tonight. Yeah, there's some uh, peanut butter peanut butter. I smell bananas I smell fucking everything. I smell fucking weight watch your point That's what I smell. I smell. I'm gonna be in the elliptical machine to my fucking head shrinks

Because that's the whole problem with dieting your head. Don't fucking shrink And you look at your stomach, but you just want your head to shrink a little fucking bit, don't you? You're like, look at my stomach is getting smaller the diet's working But what about the fucking head and this neck fat? That's why people go in there and cut this shit off But you just you just got to take it down to apples and water and shit if you want the neck fat to disappear But not tonight. I mean one of these strawberry fucking cupcakes Because I'm high like a soldier right now. You understand? And sometimes you got to do don't be touching them cocksucker. You want to you want to juice die remember motherfucker

And I want to be a juicer. You can't juice those you're fucked You call me every day. I have two double quarter pounds of the cheese. I'll come over with juice them right now I know you do because you died this motherfucker. He's got a picture of mcdonald on his wall Ronald mcdonald like an autographed picture in 64 looking all slim He loves mcdonald. He loves little seiza. He loves mcdonalds. Who else do you love? Fucking taco bell taco. He dreams about taco bell dreams He's seen that ad the other day for the new sour cream chip the ranch fucking chip. He was like fucking pale It's like showing the 14 year old porn when he sees that

His face gets all red and shit Mother fucker move over cocksucker We've seen so close to me for you like a you're like a fucking denny's hostess They always put people next to you and shit You go to denny's the place is empty. They put a guy right next to you and shit Looks like you just got out of prison at eight in the morning You're sitting there with your family just got there from church. They sit this guy with blue clothes on next to you And a fucking comb with $35. I need this shit my life. Oh, I'm fucking high tonight. I gotta be on

I even had a cocktail that's how fucking high I am That doctor's payback for what you did to me on sunday What doctor's fucking payback? Why because you had me at the coffee shop for like an hour and a half talking about all the things I had to do Like stick a finger up their ass and then they have to stick a finger up my ass and maybe punch them in the kidney And what what the fuck are you talking about? No one else does that this girl had the right response to it. No one no one wants to eat ass I don't like I don't understand that at all. Listen. Listen. Listen relax

I'm eating a fucking cupcake. All right You're making me sick and disgusted With all this eating ass shit. You want to eat ass do it on your time you little fuck. All right I don't want to enjoy the tremendous cupcake and you're talking about disgusting topics. You're fucking little jew 30. Fuck your cocksucker You probably I was in town. He probably ran the porno division at archwitz, but I Oh my god, see see why you gotta smoke reefer people

If they tested me for marijuana as a comic I'd fail like I would never be allowed You got too much marijuana in your system to be a comedian. You're gonna be too fucking funny That's when you know, it's good when you crack yourself up All right, that's a kind of joke. I'm driving at the 101 by myself falling asleep. You ever been to that point You're falling asleep. And also you're thinking he's he ran the porno division at archwitz Little I come up with this shit. I gotta pull over. I like how there's a whole division too It's not just one guy like there's a whole team of people doing it You're a filthy fuck, you know that because lee has to bomb

Listen, this is my point with fucking lee. Okay. Lee's like my science project. Remember Frankenstein Thank you so much. Okay. I'm trying to break it down for Lee's a 24 year old guy Listen, there's nobody who had more phobias or nobody who had more hangouts about anything than I did I told the story about I was at my friend's house when I was 16 With a girl that was 18 and she was a professional dick sucker Okay in high school. Listen when you find a professional dick sucker under 27 That's great. She's a professional dick sucker at 27 Wow, she did something with her life

But when you meet a professional dick sucker at like fucking 16 That's amazing So I met this girl. I knew her. Her name was Darcy. I knew I grew up with her She took the stats of the fucking football team And one day we're in a corner this girl took my dick out went to suck it and I almost had a heart attack I turned red I started crying like a little girl and shit because at that age if a girl sucked my dick She was this devil's daughter. I didn't want nothing to do it. I swear to god That's how fucked up cockling school fucked me up when I was a kid

I had the first time some chicks sucked my dick and a massage bar that came on her hair I was fucking mummified. She said come on my hair. What the fuck are you talking about? You're satan's daughter. Fuck you dirty bitch. I had to go home and wash my dick and alcohol and shit like that That's I swear to god. I'm a fucking like a little what do you call that shit prude? I'm fucking prudish like I'll tell like you I'll tell you I want to see your pussy and shit like that because I'm a pig Because I'm a pig you're a beautiful girl But if you came up here and said chubby take a look at this fucking monkey You'll have to dial mine one one. I just fucking faint you follow me

Every time a guy comes up to you says you're beautiful. You say look at these fucking titties. They'll fuck So I'm a bigger prude than he is but I know it don't get you nowhere It don't get like the first time it chicks that pulled my hair took me an hour Like I wanted like I can't pull your hair like she wants. She's a dirty fucking animal This is how she gets lost watch it up. You're a book You gotta pull their hair. You know like when you fucking pull it I couldn't do that to a girl. Then I dated a girl wanted me to punch you in the face. That's a completely different thing And she would say punch me in the fucking face

I couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking do it. I would tap her like a fag and shit Like I can't do it. I couldn't do it And one night she got up and punched me in the fucking face. She's like, how do you like your fat mother you fucking Bam! Now we go on and after that she took it in the ass. She did somersault Some chicks like when you fucking joke them. Listen how you like that shit You know, I go to kickboxing is this chick that you do some rounds with And whenever you do rounds or you punch her in the head. She gets kind of goofy. She's starting looking at your dick and shit You can see she's like 50. She's like one of those old cougars. She's a real cougar not those 40 year old whores that called yourself cougars and shit

When you're 57, that's when you're a cougar when you got one foot in the grade one of banana peel And you got to wear stockings for optical illusion. You know what I'm saying? You ever take a chick home? She got stockings on you know, there's gonna be drama when she takes those motherfuckers off And if there isn't the legs are hot, but this pussy's all squished in It's like a burger. You know what I'm saying? It's like a burglar. It's all But I was proved like him I was a prude and I couldn't hold the girlfriend because that would eat pussy, but not really You know what I'm saying? Like I wouldn't pull the pussy hairs and punch it The first time somebody said stick a finger up my ass. I wouldn't that's disgusting. Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna put a finger up your fucking ass That's fucking filthy, but that one I was 19. I did it a chick that was 29 that bitch broke it down for me She would stretch her pussy. I'll put my head in it and just make me do things and it was perversion But that god she did it because it made me who I am today. You understand? Thank god, she made me eat her asshole from behind You know how traumatizing that is when you look at a girl's asshole and you got to go for broke Because Because you want a girl to kind of get surprised in the next one and say this chubby motherfucker hate my ass this guy

This guy's all business. He ain't fucking around You know, he pulled my hey came on my neck. He called me a dirty whore. He picked me up by my pussy hoops and you know You pick that bitch up and suck my dick you dirty motherfucker and it seems dirty, but that's what you need to do And that's what I'm trying to help Lee with I Don't want you guys to think that I bully him I'm just trying to help him so the next girlfriend he gets he torments it ladies Tell him a guy could be really sweet to you or whatever

But you want that ex con boyfriend that caused you a fucking dirty whore and cheats on you And hit you with this face with the cock and that's what I'm trying to make him an ex felon computer guy You know I'm saying like you have like a little tattoo fucking, you know, google on his fucking arm Oh my god, you like that one google I just And that's it so I'm not trying to make Lee into a pervert. Yes, you are yes, I am you're right Yes, I am but I know that's gonna make you a better man later on you're gonna eat ass and stab bitches and you know Right you're pretty girl. You want to gotta be nice to you or you want to gotta be dirty to you from time to time Pull your head and shit like that

See All right, anybody here want to date Lee take him on a date one night and put that fucking sour pussy in his face Take him to the nearer to pull him on america. Can you imagine taking Lee home and putting that little pussy in his face? He would die. No, I wouldn't I just don't want to Yes, you would he starts stuttering and hummering and shit I would love it. I would love to I would pay to see a tape of some girl let him take him out and shit Leo, let's go back to your house and watch play checkers and shit whatever And you tell him hold on I'll go get the game of life and you come up balls ass naked

With a fucking knife and you take a computer and break it and jump on it thousand times And watching turn pale and you put that little fucking swamp pussy in his face I would pay to see his little Jew forehead just light up and shit The yarmulke starts spinning right the fuck off I don't know how I feel about you wanting to watch my sex tape. That's a little weird not the whole sex tape First of all, there ain't gonna be a sex tape once she puts the pussy in the face. That's in the drama. I don't want it You're gonna be You're giving that to a podcast tomorrow. I can't I got the fuck out of him

That's what we're trying to do. We're trying to break that mophie So you don't have to wait till you're 35 like I did if I would have fucking listened I would have beautiful women, but I fucked around. I didn't want to eat their ass spitting their mouth I didn't want to do disgusting things like that. I used to have a chick. They tell me spitting her mouth I couldn't do it. I can't spit in somebody's mouth. I'll spit your back I'll spit your face, but spit your mouth. That's disgusting. Anyway, we got a great fucking guest tonight my brother just a birth christian shit Yeah Take a cupcake

Fuck it. I can't I'm trying to lose weight Trying to join into this conversation is like hopscotching and prison This is the most insane game of double dutch. I've ever fucking walked into I don't know where to start. I got a finger in my ass one time. Really? Do you like it? Yeah, no, I fell off an aircraft carrier and was shit in blood, so Because of the finger in the ass or ass or no, I fell off an aircraft carrier and was shitting blood and I ignored it Like a real man I took some uh vikin ins and some whiskey

I didn't know it was leaking through my pants, though And I sat on my wife's white couch and liam fucking lit up. What the fuck? I was like, listen, if this is how you're gonna treat our daughters when they get their period we should talk Was she more mad about the couch or the fact that you didn't go to the doctor she was mad about the couch And then and then she made me go to the doctor and yeah, I had the finger in the ass He made me lay it on my side too. He told me to get naked. I didn't know there was a uh, uh Gown that little piece of paper is a gown. I got fucking naked like I got I took my watch off my necklace

He didn't even tell me to get naked. He just The best part of that story Joey that you told me in the car right over You totally left out was that when he when the doctor when you got naked the doctor goes, you know, there's toilet paper on your dick I had toilet paper on my dick because I got the toe on that. I'm conscientious. I don't want it to drip off the toe on that Sometimes you get that last beat that holds on Like his dick cut itself shaving That was the best part. I literally started hitting his This car so hard. I thought his airbag was gonna come out. He's looking at it squeezing or something. He goes, you know, you got toilet paper down here

I went to pee and had to clean off the helmet and I want to I didn't want to dangling there some fucking blast pee drop That's the best part about you is the funniest shit you say is the stuff you don't remember I don't I fucking don't I really He told me a story one time he goes Like, okay, this is mine. Now. You got to really know joey. Okay to get this impression. This is joey. Okay Joey'll be high and he'll be staring off and look thinking about something and you'll be talking about dogs and all of a sudden they'll go dog dog and And they'll jump in with his own story. We were talking about dogs and he goes when I first came from Cuba

I got bit by dogs six times my first week Do you remember? He goes, Burt, it was so bad that a dog walked past me on the street and then came back to bite me No, you're never gonna find that in his act. That's just him hanging out It was the the fucking the greatest things they're like moments where like I told We were all in the other room with joe and tommy buns And joe and joey left to start this and I told him the paper the toilet paper on your dick story I go joey told me in the car. It's a fucking great I would love to have seen you lose your virginity

I have to know when I I try to think about when I did it I don't really know when I lost my virginity because I lost it so many times. That's what it was I used to I used to go to Sacred Heart School for boys And my mother was partner with Nelson Rivera All right, he was a Puerto Rican kid He was married to Delilah and they used to make lasagna and I used to stay at their house But he had a daughter named Evie and who was would have from marriage previously And Evie was probably two years older than I was and on saturday mornings before cartoons would come on

They would let her sleep on the outside couch a pink paint bloom Whatever the fuck you call it the shit you pull out of the couch futon the futon The ping-pang game In 1970 they call them fucking futons They call her pull the bed out of the fucking couch. That's what they call them This man president of joey shopping for furniture in the 80s. I want the ping-pang boom You know what I want give me the fucking just the fucking ping-pang boom so

so We would wake up on saturday morning. It's like a five Before everybody else and she would show me a pussy and she had tarns of fucking hair on a pussy Tarns we were like pseudo cousins, which meant we could fuck even though she was two years old with me So I think I fucked her she made me fuck her a couple times nothing happens I have one question. Did you name your cat after the girl you lost your virginity to? No, no, no, no But I don't know if I lost my virginity. That's what I'm saying. I don't know if she bled or I bled. I don't remember I passed out I don't know if I... then another time I had this other girl my other cousin in Miami

And I fucked around with her And I remember I fucked her like on a tuesday and wednesday when I was breaking into her room to check her stomach To see if she was pregnant. That's how fucking stupid I was I think I was about 11 at that fucking point She's showing two days in yeah, I was fucking crazy Then the seventh grade the first time because I got left back like a fucking idiot. I used to dry hump this chick again So I lose my virginity was dry humping. I cracked the load. I think I used to that's all I did with her I used to dry hump her from 305 to about 535

Every day to earth went in fire can't hide love over and over and over and over and over I get up mid hump and put the album back the fuck in the beginning God, dry humping was funny. Dry humping was a lot of fun. Then she took her shirt off and that was a different level That was a diff dry humping without a top on that was a different fucking level Put hair on vaginas. I'll say vaginas to try to class it up I remember the first time I saw a hair on a vagina. I'm not gonna say her name Jennifer Stevens. I'll say And and we were at the beach and she sat weird and her bikini bottoms Kind of moved over to the side and I saw it and my dick was like we're up

Like like literally like a fireman when the oh here we go And I remember I was like I and then all of a sudden like in college That shit became like not cool and you wanted everyone shaved now. I'm going old school. I like a little hair Oh, I love it with a lot of hair. Yeah I love that old fucking school a lot of hair loose fucking untamed I tried my shit give me that fucking feeling like something happened like something You know, I can't even eat pussy when you come out of the shower But that's not real pussy. It's like iris spring pussy. It's too

I like a little something you got to walk a mile something You want to have to fight the cat for the pussy? Yeah, I love that shit I can't I like eating pussy when you come out of the shower. It's too easy It's like, yeah, anybody can do that shit wash your pussy and eat it Let me see your fucking running for two miles and eat that chick It's got that little fucking gyro flavor to it. You know what I'm saying? That little onion is on fire. I love all that shit I love all that shit. I love nothing

What's that? You have so many random rules about nothing you like your rules for stuff that doesn't matter and no one thinks about Like rules like why wouldn't you want to have it when it tastes clean because it's disgusting. It's too It's too. It's too premeditated fucking shouldn't be premeditated if you like a candle you can suck my dick That's not you know what I'm saying? I want you to knock the candle over and cause a fire while you're fucking I don't like that shit. I really don't I don't like it. It's a sanitization of sex Yeah, it's the same thing that goes on with porn and you watch a porn and it lits It's lit properly and the girl's tight and her tits are fake and her hair is super blonde and she looks in the camera and goes

Oh, fuck this pussy and you're like that doesn't happen to me. No I want a girl who's got a head cold while she's blowing you you know like real shit Is all like I'd rather see five seconds of video you shot on your cell phone of you fucking someone Then like 22 minutes of like no offense brio. It's like an edited podcast. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's like a real cut up. I'm not saying you sent her to the shower But like when you wake up in the morning they come out of the shower No, no, no, I like it when you wake up in the morning. Yeah, and that pussy marinates overnight after a shower That's a different story

If she washes the pussy after work and then lays down farts a couple times at night It gets hot in the room So she has to scratch your pussy and the morning you could feel that you could you could feel that in a fucking room Not me for example, Joey, what's a pussy that you're on? You know me for example, I scratch my balls. I don't want to inflict this on anybody You always want to wash this area on me. No matter what even even if I came out of the shower Going there one more time for good luck Did you follow me? But this is me

That's why I take eight showers because I would hate to open my legs and smell like ass. That's just me You know, that's disgusting and a guy or a fucking but a woman is better. I don't want rotten ass I don't want rotten ass. I don't want you to take a shit and come No, but I don't mind if you ran a couple miles and you went to the gym. It's primitive. That's tremendous right there It's got that way until you washed it before the gym. Don't get me wrong It's like you walked around from here to fucking hollywood. No, that's too far of a fucking walk That's eight or nine miles. I'm talking three four miles So it just has to patois enough of it. You're following pizza. It's better the next day. That's right

But if you let it stay too long, you can't it's gets it's too crusty. I don't think the same thing works The same thing don't work for dick. I think it stinks my dick stinks Everything down there stinks. Even if it don't stink it stinks Even if I come out of the shower and I scratch my balls. It smells it. It smells like a bag. I don't like it I like that smell of my own balls. No, I don't like it. It's you know, you don't ever play with your balls all day long And just oh at night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah at night when nobody's around Yeah And you open your pants you unzip them and you take your nutsack hot over the pants

But when you get older you get these itches you got these little pockets of fucking itch Under your nutsack and you get in there with the fucking nail When your balls have been in your pants so long that when you take your pants off your dick goes Thank you. I got a microscope on my fucking coffee table So I could put my fucking finger under it and see the dna of the stink finger That's how much I know I just sit there and sniff each Because we love it. We do. We really love our own smell women would never do that You'll never see a woman scratching her pussy watching like the mentalist like just scratching

Women got class But if I was a single woman, I would scratch my snatch in public right fucking at a bar Fuck it. I would just scream the guy sees you scratching your pussy right away. He's like look at that bitch. She's I Bitch went to war at one part. I like I wasn't gonna give her a shot. I didn't like her shoes But before she's scratching she probably had crabs on men You know crabs is going away. We want the element of danger. We all even women like the element of danger That's why lucy snob was didn't call the cops when I eat her pussy. That's why that worked

Because it worked and it will always work if you knock on a woman's glass and say i'm here with flowers. Fuck you Yeah, right like what happened. Did you know about the lucy snob was story when I just broke into a window ate her pussy and left On a quailude on a quailude a woman appreciates that think about your sleep Yeah, but you also have like your entire yearbook that won't be your friend on facebook I've never laughed harder than when you told me that story because he said it's so matter of fact It was it was a matter of fact that was one duck and I knew that at that time I didn't know for sure, but I'm like fucking My friend told me he used to pull her hair and do all not the same girl

By element of danger women like the element of danger if you go home tonight your woman's sleeping and you knock on the door Who's there? chubby lapio chubby lapio, who's that? You know who the fucking is bitch But you can play that game. You know i'm saying it's it's roe reversal. Whatever. Fuck they do. I don't do that shit But some women like that and that's why I got away with that because it was infighting Some guy you see some guy crawl into your fucking curtains Usually you want them to and in the back of your mind

You're thinking he's gonna fucking rape you and come on your neck and shoot your family But all he does is pull your legs off take your panties eat your pussy when you hear that When you hear that you'll watch the exorcist watch the exorcist next time is on Watch the unplugged one when she eats the pussy and you can hear the mother going And then she pricks up and she smacks her in the fucking face I'm so lost right now I didn't need no space cakes and I think I did I'll tell you what so am I i'm pretty fucking high right now I don't even know how this happened. We start talking about the exorcism. What the fuck literally

That was like Tarzan swinging from vine to vine and then ended up in central park. He's like what the fuck That was a fucking I was it interesting the point is Women want the element of success of success women want the element of a little bit of fear not that you you know You're gonna stab them But you want to come on I see what you're saying you're saying you're saying you got to keep it You gotta get fresh and you can't let it get boring. That's where I am. I'm in the boring part of sex with my wife But you've been married how long 10 years. Yeah, now you got a stabba. Yeah I wonder I gotta shoot her one night like you dirty bitch and shoot her and when she comes back from the hospital

She's looking at you. So that was the most romantic thing You've ever done shoot me. Nobody's ever shot me before. That's why I love you, bitch I smacked her. I smacked her. I was uh, I found sounds weird talking about sex I'd talk about it on stage, but I was weird to talk to Joey about it because he knows liam So it's like I love it. I love it. I told the story and he's like she's a fucking mom I could never see burp fucking liam because she's a mom There's a hot lady and then become a mom and moms are the sexiest fucking things in the world When you're waiting on a light and you see a mom walking her kid to school

She's got some yoga pants on that pussy. That pussy is on fire right there She just came from making pancakes. She's a little angry, you know what I'm saying That a nigga goes into the pussy to hold patois now. She's got to walk the kid. He left his fucking cookies at home He's half retarded. She's got to walk back. You see she's pulling his fucking arm. I'm going to school You're a little fuck. I should be home right now masturbating to the view Mr. Beaton to the view So Joey, what's your opening if you're like if you weren't married, what would your opening line be to a mom like right now? We've never hit on a fucking mom. Why not? You just said it would do best. Would you want me fucking your mom?

No, but It's a good question. Answer the question When you were eight years old, would you like to sit me on your couch scratching my nuts sniffing my fingers and shit? Going hey kid, come on over here I bet there's a lot of 14 year olds that would be so excited that they found you sleeping on their mom's couch Shut the fuck cuckoo's ear My you're the fucking bad You from cuckoo joey? Yeah

But you know, how can you hit on a mom? How can I hit on a kid on a lady with a kid? He's just saying that they're hot. He's not saying he's gonna go fuck them. He's saying they're hot So when you're younger, would you hook up with a girl who had a kid? Fuck no, really? I was paranoid. I don't like none of that shit. We think I had a choice league Yeah, you think I wake up at night and go tonight. I'm gonna hook up with a chick with a kid. No, I gotta take what they give I met a fucking chick with one leg and fucking Idaho. I had to take it No, she was indian. She was american indian. I was just thinking about this last night

I swear to god I was at the last factory last night and some chick got out and she was talking to the guy She goes she's an indian indian and I was looking at him like wow this girl's pretty and also I'm like wow I almost fucked an indian girl one night and I hadn't been late in about a year and I was in twin falls, Idaho Okay, and I had just gotten arrested for shoplifting not shoplifting I hit the kid in the head with a tray of food. What happened was twin falls had two comedy rooms Opposite week so one night the comedy room was on wednesday at one bar and the other night it was on thursday another bar I got into a fight with a heckler on that thing. I hit him with chinese food at the bar

They arrested me true story. I hit him with a fucking egg roll when the cops came He was taking the cauliflower out of his fucking head So they put me in jail till quarter nine They let me out and I had to go do comedy this other bar and I swear to god There's a creepy fucking story, but I'll tell you people because you're creepy anyway I'm dancing right? I hadn't had I hadn't been with a woman. I was divorced. I was cracked I hadn't been with a woman all of a sudden this indian girl fucking hot not with the doc, but the other one And she I never forget she had daisy duke shorts and I'm like wow

It's 1999 this bitch got daisy duke shorts. I'm in And you only had one leg, huh? I'm just kidding. Oh, okay You know we're dancing to whatever. I don't know whatever the fuck we're dancing to and we'll start getting close You know when you dance you start rubbing like ryan and hopping hips and shit and next you know i'm feeling her titties I'm feeling her pussy and shit and you know me. I hadn't been laid so I go fucking i'ma dip my hands into her shorts I'm just gonna stick my hoof into her fucking shorts through the daisy dukes. Was that a fucking mistake? Oh, fuck

Must I finish it or we're just gonna leave it there? No, there's so many different options Like there's so many different things that could have happened. I feel like this is dang jango finish it kill it You know me. I got like against the court. I'm choking it right. I got my no. I'm not i'm just kidding I'm dancing and also when we connect and I put my hand on the skirt She turns around like so like she could look she's on lookout while i'm fingering on the dance floor. This is perfect So I stick my hand and it was like gooey. It was really fucked up, right? I don't even know why i'm telling you motherfuckers this story because I'm getting sick just telling you motherfuckers this story. I would have never ate the cupcake. Now it fucked it up now

Now I got hot burning shit, right? And I never forget it was like gooey. I didn't know what it was. I'm like, oh, fuck. I got myself in trouble I know what it was. Yes Oh, someone had a No It was horrible and I just ran out of there and I couldn't even jerk off for like a week with that I like looking. All right. No, fuck. No, I like the story so much better when I thought she had one leg with daisy No, yeah, that's what I thought I was like the confidence of this fucking chick

To post up on the dance floor with one leg and daisy dukes just hopping around Thank god Thank god, you could shut your fucking memory off what you do when you're drunk and shit like that when you're young Oh, you really are disgusting. We really are all disgusting fucking people At one time or another and we wake up and you know what? I'm 50 and I still think of that story and go Oh god almighty like and nobody I didn't have to tell you people I could have kept it in my own disgust file in my brain But you can't you have to tell somebody if not it eats away at you like every once a fucking month

I'll think of me fingering that fucking indian girl And what does she feel like today? That's what you think about Like he stuck his hand up my fucking yank and I had fucking, you know Anyway, I'm sorry You know, you gotta think so please, you know, you think about this shit even when you get older You're like, what the fuck did I do when I was 28? I I figured this poor fucking girl in a bar. How disgusting is that? What were you thinking? Which would have been worse for you that or if it was period and there was blood on your hand

Shut the fuck up I just had a strawberry cupcake you disgusting savage All that stuff is disgusting, you know, just doing that in a bar that's disgusting. I think about that shit now It seems chic then What's crazy is how how willing All of us are are to do that and let that get done to us by someone we really don't know But we it's really hard to make a friend Like you're willing to let someone put stuff in your body that you don't know

But if they were like, hey, do you want to see a movie tomorrow? You're like, uh back off asshole Like it's like because we became friends at like at a late age in both of us like I was 40 I think I just no I just right before I turned 40 and we kind of met through through joe and then we became friends But that friendship period the courting of friendship is awkward. Yeah, it's like it's like I remember but you didn't have it You were like, let's go have coffee and I was like, okay I guess we're gonna hang out and then we hung out and we and then we did that every fucking day for a month And then by the end of the month, I was like I I need joey like I'd call you up. Hey man. What's going on? Get some coffee. Yeah, it's like

You know, I think people put too much stress on A friendship. It's too, uh rough We built like everything like americans. We make everything harder than what it is To leave a trail of paperwork or whatever. Let's do this. Like what the fuck you're gonna be friends. Let's be fucking friends Let's go live some ways. Let's go do something that we have a story That's how you become friends with somebody you want to become friends with somebody, you know, when you see somebody eight years ago and you're like Remember that night, bro. We tied up those chicks and shit Ha ha ha ha ha

You know, that's how you become friends with somebody, you know girls you fucking girls. I see how you become friends You're goofy motherfuckers You meet a girl tomorrow. She's your best friend in 10 minutes. I've never seen that shit But then she's so cool. You met her for 10 fucking minutes. You fucking moron All right, relax, but you know, we knew because we had mutual friends So, you know, what would you like? Listen, let's let's be honest. All right, let's cut it out You know when you see somebody we judge them automatically. We tell people we don't like the judge We're all hypocrites. We all judge as fast as we can and sometimes we go look at that black motherfucker

You know, or look at that chinese motherfucker. Whatever the fuck we say to ourselves We always and but you know who you could be friends with that's why people come up to me and go. What's that fucking guy that did? Uh, uh, I'm just used to this. It's just if you can't tell david spade is a dick shame on you Shame on you If you think david spade's a good guy, you're a fucking idiot Okay, he's a scumbag, okay And i'm telling you as a as a as an american here What's the other guy? What's the other fucking guy bank heist?

The guy uh, ben stiller ben stiller if you can't tell he's a If you can't tell ben stiller's a cunt I'm thinking of a small little cunt. Say you got a fucking problem. What's wrong with that? He's a cunt you can tell that he's a cunt like if you met him He'd be a cunt would you like a cupcake? No, no, i'm gonna gluten-free cupcake. You don't need to tell me that You know those fucking jerkoffs? Oh, no, no, I don't eat sugar because just eat the fucking cupcake You fucking cunt and stop trying to be somebody you fucking hate

But we give those people light as americans when other countries we bit slap them like who the fuck you think you're talking to Look at that fucking little cuban faggot that they bit slap. What's his name? Uh, the guy that was there No The guy from the fucking Yeah, what's that fucking idiot from where I am? What's his name? If will I am smash you go shoot yourself and your mother for having you Shoot your mother first and shoot yourself in the head because your mother fucked up if you let will I am smack you in the fucking face

That's a bona fide fucking fagotoid That doesn't even know he's black and doesn't want to be fucking black And he's never been black in his whole fucking life with his little fucking haircut because if he had one black cousin He said what the fuck is wrong with you? You black motherfucker with your little martian boots on You're black get your shit together and leave the skateboard at home motherfucker. You're fucking black, bitch I'm sick and tired of people if you can't tell These people are fucking douchebags and their rat pit is a cool motherfucker. I smoke sweet That's a bad motherfucker. He told jenniferanist that you don't want to suck my dick. I'll find somebody who will

Okay, you want to play that friend shit? I get a million episode. I'll get that bitch You know what you know what engineer joe leo let you do the huh? She'll let you stab a drink of blood and put in her asshole and drive her own fucking period That's the nasty motherfucker. She is Are you kidding me jenniferan? I have great friends. Well, if that bitch went over shot that movie and never came back Fuck you with your dead bro job. You don't want to grab my dick. You make a you know, fucking dirty fucking white bitch with freckles get it together Fucking dummies and we fall for that shit as americans because nobody really wants to tell them you're a fucking scumbag You know if I was one of these pa's on these movies set and ben still at home

You know, I don't eat cupcakes because the white sugar Metabolizes in your lungs. I would take that and shove the fucking cupcake up his ass for eight dollars an hour But in america, we become fucking pussies and we can't tell somebody we can't tell somebody what the fuck is really going on with them I see half these motherfuckers on tv and you can tell that you were telling you know what suck my dick And they will look at you weird. You know why because nobody's ever told them that Nobody's ever told them that they're scared to lose their job Or they're scared like who the fuck are these fucking people to fucking act this way But if you can't tell ben still is a cunt

Then you got to get your shit together david spades uh assistant broke into his house one night and tased him If you can't tell david spades a cunt Okay, all right. Listen, I'll tell you what I got 18 dollars in my pocket. I'll go to the atm I'll give you 500 dollars. Give me the last thing david space said that was funny. I got all night. I'll fucking wait I'll fucking wait I'll fucking wait you stupid motherfuckers Me the last joke jean garofalo said that was funny. I'll fucking wait

I'll fucking wait. What about santa bernhardt? I'll fucking wait you fucking phonies They never said a funny fucking thing in their life It's time. It's time to tell these motherfuckers suck my dick Jesus Wow, wait, what was the last thing david spades said that was funny. I'll fucking wait I'll fight his own fucking drink nothing What was Tommy boy?

Tommy really and he's still on fucking tv He's still on fucking tv And i'm at home with a fucking kid and my friend for your own rise. I'm about to choke That was that's what's called inspired You've been holding that one in for a while, huh? Not to the cupcake Name it here. Give me cupcake kathy if you want to help kathy you're welcome and my man jonathan for hooking me up and shit like that

The sugar went right to my fucking brain I'm mixed with the t.a.c. Thank you very much But it's true. We we fucking you know, we wake up in the morning and what's the first google thing on google First uh kim kardash. Let me ask you something. Wasn't there a doctor yesterday that saved some fucking kid who had leukemia? That's more important than kim kardash in Why is she the number one trending fucking bitch in the world? There's a nurse that must have saved some woman who got raped last night in chicago in the middle of fucking night There's a nurse that probably dragged a kid in from an emergency room that got shot over fucking night. Why is kim kardash in trending number one?

Ask yourself next time you're looking at google next time you're watching kim and that fucking sister and friend and i watch the show too Listen nobody wants You know I don't want to fuck the chubby one or kim. I want to fuck the sister with the two kids The fucking tall one. Yeah, no the little one because she want to fuck that was a fag. He's a fag You like what's his name with the with the scarf around them? I'll take that fucking scarf and scrandle him like a anaconda fucking snake I can make that guy suck my dick and call a boss if I see him I can give him the fag look like

And what I got him in there I'll make him suck my dick and I'll throw a beating on him old school Because I'm 50. Well, who gives a fuck if somebody sucks my dick? What are you gonna call me a fag? I don't give a fuck. I'm 50 All right, when you're 50 you should have had a blowjob from a guy at one point in your life to see where you stand. You follow me? I mean I'm fucking no you kidding me. I'm watching this like you guys are I'm fucking don't forget. I enjoy it too I enjoy watching Joey fucking I get emotional. I get emotional. So we just go out of fucking ranch. I'm serious. I'm like whitney in 87 I'm emotional I get so emotional, baby

But it's true. We got to fucking reprioritize. We got to or if not dong jong is gonna strike on us Kim jong un Not kim jong from the fucking uncle the guy in korea with the bombs and shit I Fucking the guy that's going fucking nuts. I mean listen, you know, I said something on the podcast the other day that I was scared that you you know tonight. We could be I mean guys we could be sitting here right now the bomb could fucking go off Did you think about that shit? And this is everywhere we go every time i'm in fucking routes. I look around now you know, I mean

If I was a terrorist, that's the first place I blow up on a friday Not thursday because it's double coupon day friday Fuck it. I ain't blowing up no jews. That's a complete different thing You go to the one on thursday up in sherman oak's. How many jews up the one on Oh, you go to one on cold water and fucking magnolia on a thursday about one o'clock That's kingdom of the jews in there That's it's slurred you're losing them there. They got fucking hats Sandals and cloaks and shit half of them are carrying the crucifix in there

They don't give a fuck jack. They go in there and get the daily specials. They got boxes of coupons God, I dare you to blow up routes on a fucking thursday. I fucking dare you I dare you I double dare you to blow up fucking routes and bevelie down there by jewville down there When they walk around with the sandals and the yarmulkes and the strings I dare you to blow up jewville good if you got the balls motherfucker What was I talking about? No, I think about how you know and you gotta fucking you know, can you imagine this could happen at disneyland people? All right, look there's silence in the fucking room

This could happen at seaworld this summer this could just fucking happen man You know, this is the society we're living in this could happen in the fucking ufc. This could happen at a car wash It happened in the fucking race last week. That's it That's it now. We got it. We you know, and remember when you thought carrying a gun and a knife was cool That fucking idea went out the window. Oh, you're a black belt. You jitsu. You might as well suck my dick now Unless you could fucking arm bar a bomb Unless you're gonna fucking arm bar a bomb you're in no danger. I bought a bomb last week. I'm done Fuck the guns. I gave the guns back. Fuck it. I went down to LA. They gave me $1.75. Fuck it. I'm happy

I got a box of fertilizers in the trunk right now. I'm getting done. I don't give a fuck I'm wrapping myself up with bombs as soon as I hear a bomb. I'm throwing my fucking bombs Fuck it. No more bullshit in my world. I got a bunch of bombs right now I got cat litter in the fucking car right now. Fuck you motherfuckers sick and tired as shit A fucking gun. That's it. A gun is done. Now they took our guns now. We got nothing now We gotta sit and get blown up with no fucking weapons. Fuck you I'm going out with a canteen filled with fucking explosives, but now on. Wait till you see my mother fucking utility belt

Bombs, wiefers, and rolling paper. Just in case Because I don't give a fuck As long as I got a fucking torso and in one arm I can roll a fucking joint on the floor Why they're waiting for me at Ralph's. I don't give a fuck. You think I'm kidding you Fucking eyewitness news of being now being the floor fucked up I'm getting my own bombs. That's it motherfucker. I'm done Holy shit, there's nowhere to take this right now Right now it's I'm literally like I feel like I'm listening to a podcast. Get a fucking bomb. That's what I'm warning. All right

God, I feel really bad for the guy who's like, oh, I just got this cool speaker that attaches to my iPhone Let me play this at work and just going get a bomb motherfucker. He's like, oh shit Joey I just hope that David Spade listens to this And he's like and he's like he's like, hey, what did I do? Stupid motherfucker So sick of these fucking dummies thinking like they did something Like we did something. What the fuck did you do? You know, what we do is hard ladies and gentlemen I don't you know, you're not a watching inside comedy with Robert Schimmel and all my life

I was telling Lisa I felt embarrassed about being a dirty comic, but I'm not lying when I'm doing comedy At least I'm talking about what's in my fucking heart in my head. You know, I'm not trying to be intelligent I'm not trying to be a scientist or something. I'm not you know What the fuck was I talking about about Robert Schimmel Robert Schimmel Robert Schimmel I watched the inside comedy and I watched inside comedy. It was funny, but it's hard to do dirty comedy, you know And you know what man, let me tell you something somebody told me this once You know who told me this Vinny Curdo Vinny Curdo was a guy that I fuck with on a constant level. I love him like my brother

He did the last podcast and he was great But Vinny Curdo, you know, I see him at auditions This is my secret with you guys and I hope Vinny Curdo don't hear this one I'll see Vinny Curdo in an audition and I'll go Vinny come here. What's up, Joey? I go, did you hear the new movie Scorsese's doing? And he'll go, no, what is that? Go the birth crisis story And he'll go really who's casting and I'll go Lisa. Yeah, and he'll go I'm gonna go get a pen up come right back

And he'll come back and he'll go. What's the name of that movie? I go the Hitler revival and he'll write it down And he'll go. Who's the director John fucking Forsythe and I just keep giving them names because he's a boxer So he keeps forgetting he'll call me when he got home. Joey, what was the name of that movie? fucking torah torah torah, all right So dirty comedy Yeah, thank you. You're fucked That's what you're here for. You're like a bookmark. That's my job. You know, he said that uh, he once told me You know, we went on audition. I was fucking them. I said something about an actor

He goes, he goes, you know these fucking actors all these guys in the room. They could all suck your dick, Joey He goes because at the end of the day A director says cut and they do it again What you do there ain't no fucking editing And that was the fucking biggest gift somebody could ever say to me A fucking guy that can't even think straight. This guy hears a bell every eight minutes and shit Hey, I was saying you ever talk to Vinny's talk? Yeah, I know Did you hear that? I didn't hear nothing Vinny

Where'd you go? I missed you sexy motherfucker I see you walk out of there and my heart dropped. I thought you were leaving his shit I saw she left her cell phone. I actually noticed I why I didn't see you even leave you were fucking stealth She's a bad motherfucker. She don't fuck around. That's that's You're married. You got a boyfriend. What do you got? I'm not married. You got kids No, what are you doing? I'm watching you. No, what are you doing? You hustling? What are you doing? You say what do you do for work?

Look at you. See I know she's a good catch. Yeah Someone needs to get her pregnant tonight Cut the top off your condom wear it like a wristband and do it This is this is the but I'm gonna say this right now. I hate live podcasting. It drives me nuts This is the best live podcast I've ever been And I would do this I would do this fucking day

Because you're really just sitting here enjoying watching joey And then whenever there's whenever he goes to take a drink of water you get to throw in a joke It's fucking you're joey. You're I'm so we're I think we're all I think all of us I'll speak for us collectively We're so blessed to have had you had you step into all our lives. Oh, I'm blessed you motherfucker. You're an interesting man It's funny because You know we call ourselves death squad and we fuck around but It's really interesting to hang out with people that you learn from You know, I've said it for years, man. You guys I swear to god. I'm not a joke thief. I'm an aura thief

Because I take the best from people And I try to put it together into myself, you know, I take the best from him. I take the best from lia I take the best from joe. I think and I've done that growing up, you know I met all my friends in jersey at the crazy and maybe they did stab somebody one time And maybe they didn't run up a hooker, but I knew they had a couple qualities that were pretty good Do you know what I'm saying? Even the one that they stabbed the hooker with I knew at least they're good with a knife You know what I'm saying? At least they're good with a knife

But my point is that you know, that's all you could do To this morning me and Lee were talking about death squad and what it meant You know, the people keep putting up these divisions That's quality of the noise and people like you should call those guys and get money from I don't want no money from nobody I just want you to take care of your health. I want you to speak your fucking mind I want you to live how the fuck you want to live and pick up a piece of paper on the floor from time to time You see pollution pick up a little fucking piece of paper because that'll do A piece of paper pick it up show character

That's character pick it up a piece of paper. That's how it starts everything like the more, you know, yeah the more, you know I'm gonna hang in the head with fucking Oh, how great would those be if Joey did uh, that's one to grow on those like and that's one to grow on The more you know, listen don't put your cash in your wall like a fucking mook Put your cash in the back and put your wall in the front so you have your id things to know First day in prison punch the biggest guy right in the fucking mouth Things We did this thing on the podcast about when I first got to colorado like I

Listen when I came from cuba my first friend was a black dude jasper williams. I never forget this motherfucker I look at facebook every day. Just see if he popped up Because he used to be he lives on 125th street when being black was being black Okay, they hate it white motherfuckers What year is this 1969 and he used to take me to his house and we used to have to walk into the projects Might be scared shitless And people would say japa Japa, why the fuck you bringing that white fuck in this project?

And he would turn around at the age of five and say he ain't white bitch. He's cuba come on and he'd walk right And we go to his house and he fucking we make a soul train line. I had never seen that before You know, we make a soul train line. We had to do the robot the shit And then they took me to the boys club and we won first prize Singing joe tex. I gotcha. Uh-huh. Uh, I mean fucking the black experience was fucking great But when I went to prison the black experience sighed for me You start hating black people You like shut the fuck up. I hate fucking black people

If I would have known that I would have if you shut up for five years They're gonna invent cell phones and you could talk all fucking day You don't know when you go to prison. That's when you realize black people could talk for fucking years Do you understand they'll talk all fucking night. Yeah, you're mookie You're mookie. What up jay What up jay You're mookie What up jay

You're mookie Oh my god, it's the pay phones. They got four pay phones and you have to sign up every day for the pay phone in prison So you got it every day from 10 to 11 30. Oh my god, there was black dudes And then from 10 to six though, you know, you don't have a time you can stay on it I would get up like a five to jog and there'd be black people on the phone all night Man, where the fuck you been, bitch? I mean, it was fucking ridiculous. Let these women breathe Who could talk that fucking long? I can't talk that long. I'm the type of guy talked in once I get in treatment I gotta go and I just hang out because I can't blame on the phone as long as suck

I gotta be doing right now But black people when you go to prison, you fucking realize the real black experience Anyway, and don't get me wrong. I still if I go to a movie theater, that's where I go Like I want to see rambo the black movie theater that's that'll change your fucking life Because black people like the weirdest thing about white people if you watch rambo too There's a part where he's hiding in the fucking in the hill and there's a rushing guy on the machine I'm walking backwards remember. He's walking backwards And all of a sudden rambo opens his eyes and grabs him and stabs him

I never saw black people lose their mind like that I was telling him there's a couple times when black people lose their mind One at rambo two Any other place red lobster red lobster on friday Black people lose that's a different level of blackism right there They will fucking kill you in the red lobster for one of those pina coladas black women will go crazy for a fucking pina colada Go to the one on bullshit. They're fucking crazy on sundays after church. They barrel in there It's like black friday. I'm you know what I'm saying and you can see I'm trying to get in like they're all stuck together

Like black people don't give a fuck. They love red lobster dog The more you know, what's that? I said the more you know Oh my god You just entered top five joey ds quotes for me. Which one was it? Uh going to prison soured my my black experience Going to prison Sour my that was the fucking greatest I'm so fucking stoned. I can't believe I can't believe I had the balls to leave the fucking house

Somebody should throw me in jail put me under the fucking jail What time is it? Uh 9 45. We gotta go do joe's thing. I know we gotta get the fuck out of this has been I want to say I'm gonna say Uh out loud I'll fucking do this anytime anytime I'll do this in a heartbeat I would also like to point out to anyone listening Anyone listening there are black women in this room that have been losing their fucking mind at everything joey's been saying

They were enjoying it the most when I said red lobster you fucking literally almost laughed your wig off like Oh Is that a wig? No Motherfucking wig. It looks cute. No, I love let me tell you something. You know who my favorite. Let me tell you who my It's a weave. I don't give a fuck Peruvian, huh? That's high as shit right there. Oh, it's a peruvian. Let me tell you something Ever and I tell black people I don't want you to think I'm prejudice. I'm not prejudiced

So I love fucking the whole black experience. I tell you my two favorite women in the world One is miss obama. I would When she was she was dancing on jimmy fowler I was whacking off on that I don't with her sneakers on those long because the long legs and she overbite that motherfucker That little toothy bitch drives me crazy. You understand me? And little kim when I see little kim in holly. Oh my god. I was fucked little kim. No, no, my little kim the other Oh, I don't know. I know eave. No. Oh my god. Eave is a bad bitch. She is hot as fuck. Oh my god Her fucking thighs

I would die to lick them just to lick them I seen her at a restaurant one night. I couldn't keep my eyes off God, she is all big. She wears that blonde fucking wig. I was losing my fucking mind I couldn't even I could tell you I could see myself fucking tackling You knew I'd fuck too is who's the other girl that sings uh the big girl crazy I have no idea You know the big girl the black is giving a go. Here I go. There I go That bitch that bitch is a backbreaker today

The the the dj was too. I'm telling you I looked all what does a backbreaker mean? Huh, what do you mean a backbreaker that she'll get on top of you and bake your fucking back? That's what it means. You're fucked. Wait They gotta dial mine one more way. Nicki Minaj. I'd fuck Nicki Minaj. Oh, no. Yes. Yes. Yes, but little kim little kim is my new Drive crazy Well, I creep Least the left eye I would have had for have you seen tlc lately they look fucked up though TLC ain't tlc no more. It's like fucking kfc

kfc tiara Who's tiara? Which one I tell you what I like fucking Beyonce Oh, but she can't talk once she talks that takes the way to Beyonce fans Have you ever heard of talk? You know, she's fucking confused I was watching a documentary. She's fucking I saw that documentary. Yeah, she's hot. I love Beyonce. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love fucking black sisters

I love it. Not that I like fucking black. I like I like looking at him. I want I want you know, I like the crazy black chick. Yeah. Oh the model Naomi Campbell That black motherfucker hitting white people with shoes. I love that motherfucker Oh, she don't give a fuck on airplanes. That's what she does her best work She is crazy, but she's she's sometimes she she fought outside new york one night. She's fucking deniro Some chick was fucking deniro. She came in and called the bitch out. Let's go. We're going outside took her heels off I thought she was from africa. She's not I don't give a fuck where she's she's no, she's from

Compton st. Louis africa. She's british. I mean british, right? No, she's from england. She's from she's british But her family is like straw. I'll guarantee you if they're british You go home and you watch that fucking freedom video with george michael and see what she looks like Oh, she's so fucking hot. She's really beautiful really beautiful and all you women in this fucking room are beautiful Yeah, there are a lot of hot chicks in here sexy motherfuckers tonight. Look at you Going on the wednesday night shaving your pussy for us on a wednesday night. No, you guys all go into the show next door Okay, all right, let's do this and shit. Any questions real quick for burt while you see it Shoot shoot

Uh, I was I was hired by red bull to do the flutog So I had to they were doing off an aircraft carrier and we were in uh, we're in camden new jersey And which is a number one murder capital in the country and there were five million people out there to witness it And the weather was bad and they were like, it's gonna be really dangerous We can't do it and the fucking police commissioner came up and he said you're fucking doing it because we're gonna have a fucking riot If you don't and they looked at me and you're like, you're the only one getting paid. You're up So I fucking did it almost got decapitated. I broke my ribs. I was shitting blood. It's a fucking nightmare Yeah, and one dude broke his femur. Oh, it's a game changer right there breaking your femur

That's not life's not the way same as it used to be. That's how I fell off an aircraft carrier I know I I was on a plane but my plane was very elaborate It was like we made it for tv and the wind was so high that everything broke off it and all it was was a wing And I was in a suit only time I've ever fucking worn a suit I'm in a suit and I'm standing on this thing and they just pushed me and the guy was telling me Listen, when the second you feel it go just jump and get the fuck away from it You're gonna get hurt and so I just I've just went Just thought almost yeah, I almost got killed

Yes You know, it's so funny I told Joey travel channel literally literally said to me If you want to do a show with your friends It will we'll we'll do it and I was like, oh, they have no idea what they just Rogan's in the other room I told Rogan and Rogan goes we should do it with our dads But I don't want to use my dad. I want to use Bernard Hopkins and have him play my dad And have him recall things from my childhood and no one can discount them They've been smoking over there too

Joey and my dad they just they've just did one where Joey gave my dad edibles Yeah That was a fucking epic Oh, yeah, I put if you go on my my twitter and look at my pictures You will see the actual pictures of Joey giving my dad edibles me trying to stop it My dad eating them Joey laughing and then my sister's going what the fuck So, yeah, yeah, Joey my dad have great chemistry. They like they just talk like yeah He's a good guy

I'm gonna tell you something as a comic you You paint the scenario where you want to be in your life And you know, I had a thousand scenario, you know before I stopped quitting coke before I stopped I thought that I could never stop because I wouldn't be funny So I wasn't gonna be a part of my life like I'm like I'm checked. I got to snort coke, you know And and then you look at scenarios of people like Bert Bert has a great fucking family He's got two beautiful daughters a beautiful wife. He's got a mom and a dad and it's a great He's a lucky doesn't know how lucky he is

Just I don't even know how he fucking leaves Because if I had two daughters that looked like him, I wouldn't fucking leave five and seven I'd be with them all the time with a fucking bomb ready to blow some motherfucker Because I will blow a seven year old up and shit. You don't fucking know me. I'll stab well those motherfuckers Hit my daughter. That's just a message for the rest of the motherfuckers out there Talk don't hit on Bert's daughters. The motherfuckers stabbed the kid when he was eight So he just sent the message but uh, that's one thing about bird. I really admire he really keeps it together He's got a beautiful friend. That's tough to do when you're a comic man. That's fucking tough, you know, and now

I applaud him for that. He's uh, I learned a lot from him. So Wow Any more questions? Next door we're going there right now Uh, can you take me with you? Yes, where would you like me to take you? Okay, what are you gonna do over there that you want to smoke some pot? All right on that note everybody I would like to I would like to thank Joey and leave for having me. Thank you very much for what's happening now

Is this here? When's this go up? Uh, probably tomorrow night tomorrow night. I'm in Cincinnati right now I'm in Baltimore the week after that I don't know where the fuck I am What's the name of your podcast? Oh, oh my podcast if you want to hear the episode where Joey gave my dad addibles It's like two weeks ago. It was east. It's the easter podcast and uh, it's uh on burt cast and they even Yeah, the even better part of it is when you had the filipino woman or uh, laly hay slip And joy was just you heard him just like dying inside. Oh, it was terrible Oh, shit

What the fuck is this shit? All right, let's wrap it up. Hold on. What's oh, what are you saying? We're doing tabs. But oh, oh, oh Well, I'm gonna head over. I'll head over to the next door. All right. Yeah. Burke Christchaw. Thank you everybody It's nuts. It's really nuts to meet these guys, you know when you when I got to come I got to come because I read a Lenny Bruce book and it was about him doing heroin with strippers and jazz musicians at night and I'm sitting next to a guy that has two beautiful girls and a fucking Volvo and shit and he goes to You know, he drives his daughter's to school every day. So it's really weird to see a

The different it's really weird to see where the comic is gone in 30 years, you know 30 years ago was Richard Pryor burning himself up I can't even fucking light my foot on fire, you know I can't even fight my toenail on fire the fun guy toe So it's really where we've gone. So It's a podcast now. It's all about a fucking podcast. That's it, man And there's gonna say in two years. There won't be fucking tv no more Think about who watches that shit

Who watches it? That's it. You know, what are you gonna watch? Kardashians, I'm sorry That's the shit that's popping Nobody watches scripted television no more We all watch the fucking show on discovery brain games and fucking hoarders and fucking, you know I was just thinking about that last night. Do you think that we're gonna do a reality movie? Like I think that's the next step. But what would a reality movie be? I don't know

Chasing somebody for two fucking hours That's all it could be, you know Beverly Hills housewives. I don't want mob wives. What the fuck is that? Has anybody watched mob wives that big inch? Is that chick fucked up or what? I was on a plane and you know when I'm on a plane. I always shop with people magazine That's my freak at the airport, right? I ain't gonna lie to you people when I get to when I get to the airport I look around I always shop with the people because I ain't paying eight dollars for the fucking thing And then I read on the airplane two or three weeks ago. They had a picture of big inch with a fucking bikini

It was one of the worst endless. I'm no mr. America You know I'm saying I'm no mr. Universe But this shit was fucking ugly because she was warped. She just had big tits and big lips. Who thinks this is attractive What do you do with that? I Mean, you know, I still love behind the music, right? We all watch that shit, you know crazy train or whatever the fuck it is and That what's left? You watch the the zombie fucking thing Walking dead you watch sons of anarchy and breaking bad and that's it

What's that Oh, that's a good one too and the other one the duck dynasty. That's my that's my shit I'm thinking of flying back to go watch them do a boy My niece is going in Tennessee and she goes uncle Joe. I got two extra tickets So I'm thinking of going back and watching duck dynasty. She's like in the third row. She's all excited But what's the other one? He'll there's one other one or swamp people Swamp people is a bad motherfucker. Listen, man, red neck shit on television is my shit Fuck boo boo though. That's disgusting. That's a little too far out there. What's your when you see honey boo boo

You're like, I don't know about this shit. This is a little too far out there. All those fat people eating miracle whip and shit like that That's disgusting those fat motherfuckers, bro Is that your one mission as a father not to have honey boo boo as your kid? What's that? Is that your one mission as a dad now not to have honey boo boo? Bro, I'm fucking 50. I'll take a kid with a missing head You know as you get older when you're 20 you're like, I want my kid to be an athlete and shit like that Once you're 50 you just want your kid to be healthy just to be alive

I don't give a fuck if he's missing an ear Or a hand or a leg just say you know what I'm saying as you get older It's like as men, you know, we're 20 we want to blonde with a badass body But what she got to be a virgin. I don't want no horror and shit By the time you're 30 you're like, man All right, she can fuck a few people but I'm gonna do a background check on the bench By the time you're 40 you're like, fuck it. I just want somebody to share the rent with me no more I'm to the point where you don't give a fuck you lower your standards. Look at all you women right or wrong

When you were 20 you all want a Brad Pitt. Look at you now You ain't got fucking Brad Pitt, do you? But you got somebody who fills the gaps who fills the fucking gaps How romantic of you At the end of the week, that's really what the fuck it is You get along I get along. Why are we making this into something today? Why are we making it's like last week I watched ben henderson, right? Who watched the fight last week? All right at the end of the fight. He proposes to his wife in front of everybody

Right and all the women will like look how romantic you know that motherfucker's gonna be cheating on us six months in He's a champion of the fucking world Why are you in the fucking octagon making believe this the woman of your fucking dreams? You're black. She's white. She's going down She's going down. You're gonna be slinging dick in arizona. Who the fuck are you lying to? Do you think you those dreadlocks? You know those motherfuckers at the with the football treads? They're out there with the helmet on Looking like they are duty doing shit Do you think you're black motherfuckers are the worst they're always cheating and shit They're always out of the club hitting on some fat fucking blonde shit

We're fucking a finger smell like spaghetti owes and shit The fuck are you kidding? I'm lying, right? I'm fucking lying, right? Fuck you motherfuckers Do you think you would have done it if he lost? Would propose if he lost if you lost and you were there would you marry that motherfucker if he lost? Propose now motherfucker after you lost. I don't want you now. He probably still made 200 grand I don't fucking know if he would have proposed if he lost would you would you fucking propose after you got beat up on national television? No, you take that you take that ring and throw in the fucking sink and realize whatever the fuck you were thinking about Wasn't the right thing you got beat the fuck up

So while we have what we're waiting, what did you think about that fight? I I didn't think he won What do you think? I don't think nothing. It don't matter what we thought because at the end of the week He doesn't know it doesn't you really have those people that there's people that will spend hours On the underground talking about that shit When you could be doing something you could be fucking a midget you could be doing something Like booty one let's work. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not up to you Even if you had to call they don't give a fuck nobody cares on monday. It's fucking over That thing like when people started saying people come up to you and go who's gonna win Godzilla king kong

Guy the koreans got missiles pointed at us and you got a mind fucking your fucking head Who gives a fuck worry about what's in front of you? What coupons we got for rouse on fucking thursday I didn't know thursday was the day thursday's the day jews go see so what happens As a jew you're slipping dog. So yeah So teach me what happens thursday is triple fucking Whatever double fucking yep extra points and they put extra points and they put extra shit out there on sale Like if you buy eight packages of bacon you get one free, you know rouse knows how to drive a hard bargain You know their biggest comebacks you would buy some from rouse

You're buying apple from rouse on monday take it home and wednesday. It's gone Like it's fucking purple and you're like fucking rouse They fucking knew there was some of me bummed fruit and now you can't even go down there That's why you gotta fuck rouse whenever you can That's why you gotta go on thursday's you gotta register for the fucking points And you gotta go there and get them on double thursdays and fuck them up man But if you go on thursdays about 1145 you'll see a little black bus pull up, right? The one i this is the one on sherman oaks

There's the one on sherman oaks and magnolia you'll see it just if you want we could all meet next thursday And i'll prove it to you and about 1130 a black bus with black windows pulls up And as he gets closer to you hear like some type of music in there like it's jamming When they open up you hear it, huh? And they're excited they're going to rouse for a sale And They're going in there shit's gonna happen today They got their pension they're fucking making it stretch and shit

Those jews are going there with their sandals. They're fucking it. They're like barracudas They're like quarter rinkins on the fifth. You gotta see him dawg They got their little hat on to the side because they're gangster jews They're rolling deep with the little yarmulke stickers and they're going in there dawg And they're fucking i'm telling you they're damaging fruit trying to get 10 cents off. Yeah, but you're in there too You're in there you ever see those no, okay And then bring it up to the counter somebody stepped on this motherfucker. I want 35 cents off I've been there because i'm counting my fucking pennies too exactly no

I've been there because I don't know why going there for bread or whatever they have this bread at rouse So you can make yourself you ever see that the italian bread? No You're a fucking mook you're at mcdonald's all the fucking time. That's why you're the rouse on violent And uh ventura and they got bread that you could take it home Put in the oven bake it and it comes out nice and brown you open that motherfucker You put a whole stick of butter in there and just open your ass and tell cholesterol to suck it there In my fat man days, that's what I would do I get a whole loaf of like a 32 ounce coke with a bunch of ice cubes

Just fill that motherfucker up till the bubbles burn the hairs in your nose That's how much into coke I was I'd burn that motherfucker And you get that mexican coke with that mexican sugar in it They put a little cocaine in there too because They don't give a fuck they gotta do something with their mexican drug profits That's why whenever you go to a place fuck that american coke get that mexican coke You're up and fucked up for a few hours Your friends are all creepy drinking red bull and there you are

Fuck red bull Talking about well the point and it's funny like we were getting gas one time and I didn't stop at shell I'm like, why aren't you stopping at shell? You got to go in there get the receipt get the 10 cents off there bring it back to Ralph's I don't know how you do this all day. Like you have all these points that you're just obsessed with You forget i'm a fucking loser, okay when you're a loser you have time To fuck around with rouse and the hairlines and listen, I call the airlines You know those people that fucked up you ever call like american airlines like a hindu answers the phone Like hello, do you have rush leave man? You're like motherfucker

I will torment those motherfuckers I got a first class ticket for 650 dollars around the world. That's how I roll. You understand me That's what I do those motherfuckers. So delta they they connect you right to india. That's my world I will torment those five. Let me talk to your fucking manager Fuck off Where's our manager? I don't we do not have our men get fucking our men right now Give a fuck if he's watching a david spade movie I hope he listens fuck david spade. I hope your next movie is with david spade. Fuck that motherfucker

Fuck him and half the other fucking pussies and shit. Not like daint cook. Daint cook's a good dude I still don't understand what's wrong with ben stiller. What's wrong with him? He's a fucking fake. You could tell he's a fucking. What about his dad? Do you like his dad? His dad's all right, but how many times can you do the same fucking thing eight years? He did the same thing on a show and everybody jumped up and down in fucking america 20 fucking he was the same guy. He went from Seinfeld and they said listen We want you to do the same fucking

I'm king of queens and that's what he fucking did. So what that's it. That's it. So this is fucking I'm supposed to jump off a fucking building. Hold on. Let me go put a rest of development on and really fucking choke myself To death. Okay, get the fuck out. So you're not gonna you're not waiting for it on Netflix. You're not waiting for us to develop Oh, yeah, I'm at home right now I'm at home fucking light my feet on fire waiting for fucking the rest of development and every other mind fuck hold on I'm also waiting for the vampire and I'm waiting for hunger games three two While you're fucking that and I want to see hunger games too Hunger game hunger game one was all right the last half fucking hour. Then I got pissed off

Everything else. Why do you get pissed off? Because it takes you somewhere else. Just end the fucking movie It's supposed to fucking end Like this podcast it's supposed to end eight minutes ago I love you motherfucker. Thank you very much. It's important