Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #043 - DOUG STANHOPE - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, March 1st..... Today, we talked with our friend Doug Stanhope.... This episode is brought to you by MVMT Watches & ONNIT...... Go to https://www.MVMT.com/Joey Go to https://www.onnit.com and enter Code: CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals

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You What's happening you bad motherfuckers Monday morning March 1st, you believe it's fucking March 1st and like 10 days is gonna be when the fucking pandemic shut everything down same pad these days So we're a year away. So this costs us a year of our lives, but we did it We're almost there. That's it. It's springtime and fucking 21 days or some shit. We fucking did it out of celebration I wore my little light blue cuz it's Monday. I want to come out looking good. I got my little hairdo Done everything's good. I'm off the fucking pain pills. They fucking narrowed me down the viking on

Monday, I didn't take a viking until Wednesday. I got a little fucked up on Thursday. I'm like, that's it. I'm done That's like I'm only good with viking for like two days. That's it I have to let I can't deal with it no more, but we fucking Past on from the oxys Everybody's okay. Everybody's alive and kicking and we're here for another fun Monday for the last couple weeks Ever since I left LA I've been thinking about him and I've been talking a lot about him on the podcast because I hadn't seen him in years But I didn't realize I got to New Jersey and unwind and everything

Yes, Rogan helped me a lot in comedy Ralph. He helped me a lot in comedy You know, Mitchie sure helped me. I had a lot of help in comedy But one of the guys that gave me the biggest boost ever a boost is like in the street of boosters if I went up the mic and gave him five grand You know, how would you feel you feel like a brand new man? The first person to really give me a boost in comedy Was Doug Stanhope. I've said that a thousand times. I met him in 91 92 We did the broker Joker once or twice He slept over one time, you know, he gave me advice and then I didn't talk to him for a long time and then I

bumped into him in Seattle in 95 96 I did new years with him in 97 96 I think we did new years together and the rest was history. He He pumped me up man. He built me up and He said great things to me. He helped my confidence and it was him who Gave me the push to actually get the balls To fucking move to LA because if it was up to me, I was scared, you know, I was like I was nothing Was ever gonna happen. I was so fucking negative, you know between the drugs and you know, my past I didn't think I could move for past that and he was like a fucking brother to me. I lived with him. I stayed with him

You know, he called the comedy store for me and gave me a reference. So as far as I'm concerned, he's he's one of my mentors He's one of my best friends. He's one of my brothers. So what we did this weekend is you've had enough of me You've had enough of me. I've had enough of me. I'm sick of fucking talking I did a I did a fucking zoom over the weekend with Doug Stan hope and I hope you enjoy it. That's all I could tell you. I'll check him what you's after with Thank you for coming on and watching enjoy this Doug what's happening when you left LA was the end and I didn't even realize at that time That was it seems like what it started

Yeah, it was just bullshit. It's good that uh, I get to see you live in a fucking person finally You look good. Are we go? Yeah, what what? All right, good Yeah, guys, it seemed like LA Started when I left it's when the comedy store became booming and Yeah, but then it just grew into something else I think you were you had everybody on shakedown you you had everybody Everybody was checked when you were in town once you left the checking went away. They they all got cocky and you know

Everybody started driving Lamborghinis of the comic and shit It was just too much man, how you doing down there? I'm beautiful. I I love doing nothing. I love being at home. I don't miss comedy So yeah, I get the perfect setup for as a shut-in down here. Why don't you miss comedy Doug? I? Don't it's fucking just that I'm constant headache of trying to come up with new shit right so that That cycle of going every two years going I fucking got nothing. I Know interest. I have no, you know

Nothing in my life or in the news that I care to fucking rail about and I'll never be funny again And then you get with the one thing you go. Oh fuck. I can't wait to do this on stage So right now. I don't have that one thing, but I'll find it I've been getting on stage once a week and I enjoy it when I'm doing it, but I don't really want to do it It's the craziest thing. I'm not looking to travel. I'm not looking to do dick Yeah, I saw Ellen Tweeted a picture of her flying in or out of Philly And she's in a plane with a mask on and then one of the plastic shields in front of the mask

You know like that's it No, I like flying to fucking get drunk in first class I want to be pulling down a Mask and sipping and then I get the smokers cough, which is gonna have four rows on either side staring back at me How you doing with the non smoking? That failed quickly fuck it Yeah, it's like what you're talking about as I was just listening to episode 41 where you talked about I had to quit Doing coke 10,000 times before

So yeah I'll wake up in the morning Yeah, I'll wake up in the morning. Yeah, I won't smoke till like after you know the day is done and happy hour cocktails And then the the more I'm determined to quit that day the more I'm thinking about smoking in the earlier I start because I'm thinking about quitting too much and then I'm thinking about smoking When it's in your head like that you can't quit you just kid. That's the way the cocaine was in my head Like I just there the more I wanted to quit I Would quit and then call the guy 10 minutes later like what the fuck am I doing? I just quit doing coke

Call the guy in my mind, you know, so are you saying that you're not gonna go on the road anymore? No, no, I get dates but not till August and now yeah, I'll get the vaccine I'll be the last guy to get the vaccine right before I get on a plane But I mean I'm enjoying doing nothing. I have not slept in my own bed for an entire year since I was 17 years old Like that actually just be at your house for a fucking year is I mean, it's a I might as well be you know, I've moved to a fucking South American country Changing your life that much knowing where your shit is

Hey They're on the spice rack right next to the fucking Tony's Saturies and the salt and pepper like I know that now when when's the last time you knew where all your shit was and you just moved to Jersey So like you you you have a brand new place, you know where all your shit is when's the last time that happened? No, it's fucking crazy. It's got I can't even see myself Going to the airport. I Think I would have an anxiety attack as soon as I walked into the fucking airport. I would drop right on the floor from a panic attack That I'm just everyone else's levels of rage would put me into a level of rage

That's the other thing see my big thing isn't the COVID as much as Getting on a plane in Burbank at one in the afternoon Landing in Vegas at 212 and I get a call that Brody's dead Now let's play this a different way. You go to Arizona. You get on a plane. You're going up to Boston You get the 6 a.m. Flight when you land in Boston Four white cops shot two guys tonight before Now and they're briding two blocks from the comedy club You know, do you need this in your life Doug?

No, no, I don't and this is where I'm coming from I'm I'm not in love with comedy anymore. Like I did what if I'm going on 30 years You're going on 31 or 32 31 31 August yet because I met you at the broker in 91 you came in as a feature act and then in 92 You got evening at the improv and you became a headliner I Just wanted to say like you know how people send you an email or a tweet going hey

They were talking about you on this podcast And you'd go listen to the podcast to hear your name. I get old Someone's whole podcast just to hear my name and then at that point I don't even need to hear my name but anytime someone sends me you talking about me I always fucking listen because You you you make first of all, you're always bugging make me sound great and But your your facts are always fucked up. I'm always yelling at my no, no That was like 95 when you you said it was 85. I was just in high school. I

Get high I get I get high and I get confused but I started It was yeah, it was probably around 90 92 or 93 that I met you in Boulder You had to push me You had to push me pull you Flew where you don't know which end to fucking aim at the toilet and which end to aim at the trash can Yep, yeah, I remember that. I remember you slept over my house one night because the old Colorado run was Boulder and then Craig on Thursday

Remember you had went It did freeze up Yeah, if you did for a second, but yeah, but it was the Joker broker in Boulder and I remember that and then you off on Thursdays I'm Wednesday I was living out of my car at the time and my license was about to expire But in Colorado, they gave it to you the same day So I had a driver's license with the address of the Joker broker and the room number as my apartment for for years and then I had my friend sell you a car and you put oh

Yeah, that dodge neon Mike Kessler you put you put his his address down as The reference of some shit uncle Mike I Remember that dodge neon because Shortly after I bought that my first CD came out So I had a trunk full of copies of my new CD and someone broke into my car to steal the change They smashed the window to steal the change out of the change dish, but didn't take a single one of my fucking CDs That's crazy didn't your car get broken into the night of the finals at the San Francisco comedy competition Your car always gets breaking into

The bad one because they stole all these I everything I owned was in the car So they stole all my shit So I stand in there in this thrift store suit the check for ten thousand dollars I just won and this piece of shit car with all my belongings gone Smiling from fucking ear to ear. I didn't need that shit. That is crazy Doug. It has been a long Fucking journey my friend. That's the other thing like I'm coming on 30 years now I started as a doorman at which end and then I became I got on stage at the

Comedy works and then I got the hosting gig at the broker until 93 So I'm like you. I mean, I've done everything I wanted to do already in comedy Right now. I enjoy it just going on stage for 30 people once a week But I don't think I could do a whole weekend in a comedy club anymore Yeah The traveling involved it's like again, I'll get back into it, but right now. I'm really just happy to be home And you still own the whole block I

And I know everyone on both blocks. I walk the dog Yeah About eight blocks around and I know Sammy and I know Patrick and I know Alex and Aaron and I know Sandy and Sean and so I know all my neighbors. I'm like my dad I wave I make a little small talk about the weather and move on I'm like you. I still don't pick up dog shit, but I'm the nicest neighbor in the world I won't pick that shit up. That's why I won't get a fucking dog. Fuck that I remember you yelling about that all the time in LA these fucking people picking up dog shit

Who the fuck does that? Where we live it's the fucking desert so there's packs of javelinas and so and there's fucking deer and there's You got rabbit shit. You got cow shit. You got horse shit You got fucking wild pig shit and I'm gonna clean up my dog shit now Shit from everything out there. Well, I said dog special now. How far are you from Phoenix a civilization? About three and a half four hours and you love it. That is as Murphy still down there with you Morgan Morgan still rents a place down here. So she comes down. She had that surgery. So I haven't seen much of her in the last year, but

And Is the comedy club still going down there? Yo Yeah, there you are is the comedy club still going on down there. Oh, that's a Becker's place. Yeah, he he still has a bar over there But they they do comedy here and again He couldn't fuck you can't make a comedy club work full-time in a town of 5,000 people He had big dreams, but I mean if you have a bar, you're gonna have customers Down here, so

Yeah, that's a big drinking area down there. Yeah, so what's the future of Doug Stanhope like? After 30 years in comedy, what do you want to do now? I have no idea. Okay, I wish I wanted to ask you about that when you switched up you you turned it from Church of what's happening now to you know, Joey's Joey's joint. Were you just rebranding? Joey's joint were you just rebranding or was there a reason you changed up? I Wanted to start fresh I Was moving to Jersey, you know, I had a new co-host. I wanted to start fresh That was the church that was an LA, you know, that was a different whole feel

I feel like a different person since I left LA So I wanted to for it to be have a different feel of a podcast, you know Yeah, I wish I did when I started my podcast. It was just Yeah, I'm falling in fucking dog shit podcasts and you know, maybe I should rebrand this if I had taken this seriously beginning I could possibly I Yeah, yeah, why not why fuck around Wipe and the kid aren't gonna be home for a while

Why fuck around you know saying? I might as well Bring it right here to my little bar and fuck it Gorgeous Yeah, this is coming down now This bar is coming down because we're not gonna turn into a family room I'm not a boozer. I don't have no booze here. I got a couple bottles of booze

But when I had knee surgery, I had to move down here I Mean my wife will look at this place and go. Why do we even have this bar? I was gonna do the podcast from here originally, but they could hear everything upstairs. So if my daughter's home She could hear me going off, you know So I didn't want her hearing me down here, you know, fuck you Suck my dick all that shit while she's upstairs. So You know how it goes and you have an eight-year-old you gotta you gotta be at least a little cool, you know saying

Yeah What were we talking about sorry Nothing just la and what the fuck happened like You left when in 2005? Yeah, 2005 I was gone, you know in 2007 I stopped going to the store and it was like You know Ralph he was running things right Ralph. He was on the road pretty fucking heavy. I Was thinking about quitting then the podcast thing started I Started the podcast with Felicia and then I started selling tickets

But in 2010 I was just about the quick comedy. I had had it I was like, you know what I'll do a movie from time to time get my insurance and then Just do that but because of the podcast This is why we're still here Yeah, that's why I wished I'd put more effort into the podcast because you don't you don't get a second chance to But that's why I was asking you about rebranding because I thought about like just starting a new one where you go All right, people can get into this from fucking ground level and I'll actually put effort into it

Because if I knew how happy I would be being home, I'd fucking podcast for a living Listen man, just sit, you know get a time every week Right, whatever you want to do and just sit there once a week and tell your thoughts If somebody comes down, yeah, that's an interesting have a guest if not just do it yourself You're the one that I remember coming to you one time and going Doug They want me to fucking headline. I don't have the time you go. Just go up there and talk shit Yeah, well, you can do that. You're naturally funny. You're one of those guys that can do that. I have to write No, I have you could still you all you need is a topic a

Guy like you just needs a topic. I just got to throw a topic at you. You could rant on it for an hour Yeah, not necessarily Not like you can 45 minutes. You can I bet you can I struggled but I had to work on it I fucking the reason why I went to one man is because a COVID it's tough to get guests and I would hate to give somebody COVID or for me to get COVID from somebody over a fucking stupid podcast and B, I really admired what Bill Burr was doing Yeah, you know Bill Burr just gets on there on Monday and Thursday and

Fucking talk shit and keeps you engaged. I Tried to do that really when I first started like I'm gonna try one just bill burst out do it by myself alone And I felt completely fucking ridiculous talking to myself. I couldn't do it I would never make it more than like three minutes where I go. All right, this is stupid I need to at least have someone looking at me And then if they're looking at me, then I want them to talk back But I found it like this year. I've done like I fucking love the zoom thing except for the occasional technical fucking quirks. I

Had comics. I don't even know I've done their podcast. They've done mine. I kind of like it. I dig it I had before COVID I like That the hardest part is reaching out and asking someone to be on your podcast because that's The fucking drudgery of it was I don't have to drive especially in LA I remember having I did Burr's podcast and then I had to go do Burt Kreischer's podcast right after that And that's like an hour and ten minutes in a fucking Uber and yeah, that's it But now if someone's just fucking sitting around their house with zoom. Yeah, I'll do podcasts. It's kind of cool

I like yeah, I'll tell you when I like zoom I Like zoom because I have a relationship with you and they could feel the relationship through the zoom Yeah, if I don't know you the zoom is gonna suck Okay, it's like when when when I get together with rogue and yeah, the podcast is great Not because I'm the funniest guy in the world, but because I have chemistry with him Yeah, don't know for 20 years the same thing with you. I put I sit down with you in a room. It's all over, but the shop It's all over, but the fucking shop. We'll just destroy him because it's both of us, but Also, I can change smoke

Without stinking up Rogan's studio. Oh, I love that every time you light a cigarette Rogan's fucking heads We'll pop up in the back of his neck. I love it. You're on Rogan. I love it. I love it Because every time you light a cigarette, he goes he just jumps just by the sound of the lighter He would just jump his soul would jump But I did it, you know, I was talking to Rogan one day about it. Maybe about a year ago and we were talking about Bill's podcast and he said that he felt that the reason Bill got so strong Where those bits were because he did that podcast by himself for an hour

And I started thinking about it and I go if I'm gonna make it back to come because I didn't do stand up for seven months it was seven months without a fucking stage and I did a couple spots when I moved to Jersey outside Almost got attacked by fucking bats and shit. They got these outdoor shows up against the marsh It's fucking crazy. It's crazy, but I'm excited about this year Because now I know the area and I could do outdoor shows. I know how to do them, you know So because of COVID we'd have we've had to adjust in so many different levels. I Love doing the podcast by myself. It just builds it. It's an hour 45 minutes to an hour

That you got to pick a subject and talk about it So instead of doing a notebook, I just do it on camera What do you think? Yeah, that was that was the worst part of Coven for at least the first several months It's because our podcast is just usually us talking shit about what we did that week or what gig we just came back from or You know what our friends do it and like what's COVID started? It's just this Same the three of us. So what's new this week fucking nothing. We haven't done anything Yeah, so and I don't give a fuck about what's going on in the news and I'm not gonna talk about Trump

But so yeah, we just we'd have to make up shit to talk about You know Doug, you've had a life. I mean you've had a you've got a couple books that you've published and You know, you just we just go into some of the stories and that's a podcast, you know The time I'm a mean you in Boston and we did that comedy connection that one Club oh, yeah, and we had to do midnight radio. You and I they had a radio We had to do after the show on a Friday night. It was me you and Chris McGuire, I think and We went to the radio show and that's when I said to you about the That's the time that was the week that your mom's cat died and she made like a little wait for

She put a box with a carpet on it or something and all the other That's in my first book. Yeah, Joey D Oh and all the other cats is sitting around the dead cat looking at it going I could use that eye. I need that leg Still miss your mother I still mess up you nicknamed her Bonnie earmuffs and not only because you talk so fucking much and And and not only did that nickname stick until her death, but I've reused that And for other chatty cat these and come over and I like I can't take any more fucking Stephanie earmuffs out there I just remember the day you called me up and said Ralphie left the house

Crying because you know it was again He said that you caught him making out with his mother Do you remember that day you called me and you're like have you heard from Ralphie? He froze out completely for that sentence could say it again You said that you called me up one day and you said that Have I heard from Ralphie and I go no And you go yeah, I caught him making out with my mother and I yelled at him and he took off And I remember going over to your house and you guys played a trick on me and shit

Okay, I was gonna say that didn't happen. That's another one of Ralphie's lies No, it wasn't Ralphie was you who called me Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I Know I would I would remember Ralphie making out with my mother Ralphie spun a fucking a lot of a lot of yarns He told some tall tales, I mean and we all loved him regardless But no, he did my mother did jack off one of her cats in front of Ralphie So I did have a witness for that bargain That was a thing she did just for like shock value. No, they like it

I mean, I don't think she did it to completion But if she got her cat splayed out with his fucking frog legs fucking knees of Kimbo and his fucking cock-a-ball show She'd fucking tug his little fucking cat package just to get a reaction It's fucking crazy, you know that they We had a great neighborhood at that time. It was you on curse on Nick de Palo and Mitch Hedberg on Sierra Bonita Ralphie on curse on no on a Schrader Yeah, do you remember that?

Which one? Evan she was at blonde tall blonde. It was always Slumped over the pot. Yeah, and a husband and a husband was Bob Yeah, Bob who's yeah, I still see Bob all the time He's not a movie's not they shot somebody in front of Bob's house. Oh No shit. Yeah, they shot that lady Gaga's dog walk around Sierra Bonita. Oh Wow, that was that was on Sierra Bonita the other day where we used to live and walk and talk and breathe and fucking walk around and

see the guy from Whatever fucking that that crazy guy from that show where they hurt themselves. I used to see him going into 7-Eleven Steve. Oh, Oh, yeah, I used to see Steve all going into that liquor store on the corner of curse on across the street Yeah, 7-Eleven. Oh, yeah, Ralphie Bay lived on Gardner. Yeah With that Jody fur dig. There was a minute where Selina Hosa was there state of my house Yeah, yeah, we have Recreated that

That same building where I lived on curse on Hennigan was living there Brett Erickson and Kerry Mitchell were living there I guess they both still have apartments there, but yeah, it was like a whole comedy compound After a while once the comedy store got huge and I fucking loved I there was nothing more Exciting for me when the comedy store did get huge was to go back because it was like it was like going to the Afterparty at Montreal. There's that that many comedians of that top level all hanging out in that back bar with Kerry Mitchell And I just I would never do a set there. I would just go in and fucking Treat it like a high school reunion. I remember

Go ahead. I'm sorry. Oh No, I just I remember being there once when it was like at its new Height and Rogan coming out going you have to move back here. It's a new renaissance of comedy You have to you have to move back. You have to move back now. You're missing all this. I'm happy visiting all this It was too much man It really had become too much. It wasn't even comedy anymore. It was like this fucking Grandioso type deal. I don't know what it was. I miss it. I was there. I'm happy. I was there for 20 years Thank you for calling

Scott For me and give me a reference, but it was time to go Doug I said it's almost nicer that it kind of ended because of covet rather than just Peering out every other scene now you can blame something now You can blame a disease on it rather than it just got too full of itself and eventually no one gave a fuck Yeah, it was just and you know, I think I think comedy had just changed how Managers were sending comics out and the way they were booking them

It was just a greed fast man. It was just too much And I got caught in the cycle of it and I didn't like it. I was like, what the fuck is going on with me That this is what I wanted to do all my life, but I'm not happy doing it Yeah, it was overwhelming. The whole scene was overwhelming. It was overwhelming. It was too much and that's why I don't want to do it anymore When you yeah, when you get to a certain age you dig uh, because I just like on the road I don't I don't hang out after shows on the road for the last several years I mean, I'll go back to the hotel bar and drink with my tour manager and you know My you know the other comics that are on the bill, but I wouldn't go to bars anymore. It's just

A swell of people I I don't have the attention span and I'm always feeling Yeah, I love fans and like yeah, I want to say hi to all my fans and but You know when there's eight people having a conversation over each other at a merch booth and it's fucking exhausting That's exhausting that that always feel like you didn't give them enough like all right You need more than a show you need a picture. Okay, I get it I've never been a picture guy and I hate I don't know what to do with my face in a picture But I'll do it and then by the time that that can last longer than your set Where you're just taking pictures and by the time that's over, I don't want to fucking talk to anyone

So yeah, go into the comedy store where I do want to say hi to all these people I felt like You know the the cliche of oh, he's looking over his shoulder to see who else is more important No, I just have this many people I haven't seen in 10 years and I want to say hi to all of them in a night Uh, so yeah, that would it would get a little uh overbearing Yes, it did get a little it got a little weird on the road. I'm really happy about covid in the sense that You don't have to take pictures no more

Like it's just a fucking comedy show. That's it. It's just a comedy show, you know Uh, the pictures was getting out of control, you know Women touching your guys grabbing you it's like, you know, I don't need this shit I enjoyed the completion of the circle, you know dug They watch you special They listen to your podcast then they come see you live We shake hands and that's a completion of the circle Yeah, that's what that's how social media works and I enjoyed it

But you're right. There's some people who if you gave an inch to they want a mile. It wasn't enough You know, you take you take a picture with them. They come back as you're leaving. I didn't like the picture. Can we do it again? Can you call my Yeah, I don't know how to use the camera Hey, you try it. Come on. Just fucking get me out of here because when you come on stage, you're in the fucking You're still in a you know the heat of the battle in your head and then you have to go immediately into Politician mode and smile and shake hands and thank you for supporting me and But your head is still in fuck you. Good night

No, well my thing towards the end was just Give them such a great show that they don't want to meet you like that's it Like just give them the best show that they fucking could have the best show you could give And ended there like I was doing theaters at the end And the theaters are telling me you can't go outside because we won't start the show on time We'll never we won't get you out of here on time And it started bothering me for a while But I also started realizing that my second show was a lot better

When I would do meet and greets after the first show, I would eat a bag of dicks for second show Because you're just talking for a fucking hour You're answering questions People want to ask you about what you said on rogan's 800th episode. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday Exactly and you want me to repeat something from fucking a year ago. I have no idea what you're talking about So that did get tough. That's the good thing about covid That we don't take pictures anymore. I mean all that shit is gone, you know Hello, nice to meet you

And move the fuck on but the pictures was getting It was too much. It's like I don't go to dinner before comedy. There's a reason Like when you go into a town somebody always calls you and says Can I buy you dinner? of course What can we do lunch now? We want to do seven o'clock and then they bring three people And then it becomes a game of fucking jeopardy with the questions And by the time you go to actually do your 45 minute spot you're burnt out from talking to dinner

I'm always trying to find something in the moment in the news in the day in the room Something I could talk about right off the bat to make my old shit fresh And if you want to fuck look up before the show, we're going to be talking about this Like so let's do it. What do you think about? I remember I did the last show in seattle before they shut it down for covid And uh, I had some friends. It was an obligatory. Okay, they're from bizby So I have to go meet up with them. They're in town And I everything they're starting to talk to me about this is what I'm going to open with on stage I don't want to talk to you right now talk to me after the show

Don't talk to me before a show because I'm in my head trying to every show I do I am fucking stressed out about how like I'm always bored with my material Even if I wrote it and this is my favorite joke a week ago by day seven. I it's fucking boring. Yeah, I'm bored also So if you talk to me before the show That's all that's in my head and I'm not saying it till I'm on a microphone No, it's crazy. That's people never really grasped that that There's so much more to the just to stand up You know when I go out there and talk to you for an hour. That's an hour. I'm taking away from me resting

And getting ready for the second show. So I would always feel bad I would always go back to the whole hotel room feeling fucking guilty as fuck that I didn't shake that hand. I don't miss that no more Yeah, I said feeling People that you have known for a while and sometimes it's just a fucking job Sometimes that fucking smile on my face out there is completely autopilot And I don't want to hang out and just because I'm in boston doesn't mean I want us, you know Hang out with fucking 18 people I grew up with I sometimes I just can't do it

And then People get pissed off and you lose friends and then you go Those four friends I kind of lost in 1985 when I left massachusetts Anyway, I want to talk to you you're parking right in a book. I want to talk to you about your book Yeah, it's been it's been a struggle. I've been trying to write it for eight fucking years I finally broke down and got a writing partner and she makes life a lot fucking easier She was just I was just listening to episode 41. Yeah where you said

It makes life a lot easier because I don't know what the fuck i'm doing But I got like three or four books in my head that I like to write And this is the time to do them when there's nothing going on, you know Yeah I wrote a show with a guy. I don't want to be on tv But we ended up writing a fucking little spec script and whatever I wrote what with him. I don't want to be on tv. That's the last thing I want to do is be on tv People don't understand tv is the

Like the amount of work that we got into comedy to not have to do for a living I don't want to work 16 hours a day on anything I want to go in I don't mind the guy you want me to do a doug stanhope show I'll do it But do me a favor shoot me out quick Because after six hours i'm gonna start fucking around And smoking dope and eating edibles and i'm gonna forget my lines And then you're gonna get pissed off at me. So before that shit happens

I'd rather you just shoot me out quickly. I don't mind going in at six. I'll go in at six Just get me out by one or two But to stay there all fucking day to do one line at midnight I'm done with that shit that that stuff is done You know comedy rooms like I said, I don't know About going to a fucking airport. I mean, I can't see myself At an airport right now right now today Maybe

I'll feel a little different Yeah, I'd vastly it depends on when you talk to me if you talk to me at eight o'clock at night after several cocktails I'm I'm big on projects and I want to do stuff and then I I wake up at fucking You know six fifteen in the morning with the dog wanting to walk up. Fuck that. I don't want to do any of that I wrote I wrote down a bunch of notes last night of all these things And then I wake up going no, I like this laying on the couch shit way more than all those projects I remember when the when the pandemic first hit and they were just canceling months remember in the beginning they would

At the beginning I was the last show in seattle They closed that down and I get this is the routing I had was Seattle to baltimore to boston back to san francisco for three days And as I'm flying to each of these places Is she before the show Fucking the governor comes on the tv says no more crowds more than 250 people Mugubi's let it slide. They go. Well, we'll probably have a lot of no shows anyway We're 350, but it'll probably be 250 with the no shows. We did that show

I fly to boston the governor as i'm landing no more shows. They cancel. I fly to san francisco They go we're going in a lockdown. I got my last flight to vegas I wasn't even playing there. I was just going to see hennigan the scotsman and the fucking governor comes on And says, okay, vegas is shutting down Everyone has to be out of their hotels tomorrow by noon. And then I yeah, there's just fucking dominoes chasing me of fucking Governors shutting shutting everything down before I get home. So yeah, mario fucking crazy Yeah Fucking science fiction like

Everywhere i'm going it's getting worse. Like I was making jokes in seattle I was trying to I was telling people to fucking lick their neighbor like a trust fall. I shook every hand I didn't take it seriously whatsoever That was like march 7th Speaking of seattle Do you remember when I drove you to the gig in the trailer and it was snowing when we had the dog You wrote a bit about it that the dog was holding you for support Do you remember I had I had a I had the fucking camper

And you came to me I opened up I remember doing New Year's Eve with you when I was dating at christine hage and you were with the girl Uh, carol. Yeah I told yeah, that was Yeah, she said to say hello to you Oh, yeah, she was great. I'm godfather the first son They're down in florida living it up down there And speaking of uh, I I want to apologize uh because of the you know of the the me too era

I did uh, I did take a naked photograph of you and uh now I need to reflect and apologize Remember that naked here. I'm sure I still have it somewhere in the girl's face. Yeah you in front of the dog beds going And uh, you know, I I understand now there was a power dynamic. You were staying at my house I shouldn't have put you in an uncomfortable position just because you had a giant fucking cock Uh, and I feel bad about that and if I ever find that picture, I'll post my apology with the picture on twitter I wish you do I I I felt so empty and lost I almost joined big rom yoga After that naked for you

It was a toss up between big rom and Scientology That's how that's how Fucking susceptible. I was get the fuck out of here. I showed everybody my dick those days I think I even showed your mom my dick one day or my balls at the comedy store and she was those those are some balls Because I did a one-man show and she came with selena And jody and gentry and mariland martinez was there Oh, yeah, and I'll never forget that I go bonnie earmuffs. What are you saying?

And mariland goes is that dug stan hopes mother? Oh my god dug I love them because they were both cats, you know, mariland had like nine cats And then your mom had like nine cats So god rest his soul mariland and your mother started talking. It was a fucking great night Who's that fucking crazy neighbor girl that lived on the same floor at curson in the corner? The german girl With a blonde girlfriend Again, there was two girls and yeah, you I think you were I think you were doing heroin with one of them

Yes, the blonde one Yeah, the tall german girl We had snow in the house a couple times listen It wasn't that I was into heroin It was that she was hot. She was another one that took advantage of me Because she was hot And she gave me the heroin and she made me do it dug

And then she made me eat her pussy. I felt so folks violated I've never felt this way later in my life Was that a support group? Yes She made me snort heroin with her and then she made her pussy I just I just I just thought of that because the the fucking story that will never die is my joey jingle story I asked you when I was so fucked up on uh rogan's podcast I did mushrooms going into his podcast and then I started drinking and then as the mushrooms are kicking in I go Oh, I can handle some fucking joe rogan weed. I don't smoke weed

And then I smoked that and I was fucked. It was like like the the drug scene in midnight cowboy Let me tell you something my feelings got so hurt I was so hurt that you said that I stole your fucking jingle jar Or whatever then people started calling me joey jingles. I'm like out of all the things I stole in my life I'm getting I've robbed fucking houses cause I've put people in trunks of cars And you're fucking accusing me of a fucking job robbing a jar full of coins I was I was just high and I remembered thinking I wonder if like I could I remember this is like 1996 and I remember like

Well, who would just take my change jar and then I thought well because you know the heroin I don't know like when you hear about heroin you think oh people go to depraved states Maybe you needed heroin money and what what happened is right after that came out that same girl evan Called me up and said oh, yeah, that was uh That was probably this guy I remember she brought a guy to my house when I was on the road and he was like a sketchy fucking Street urchin guy and she's like yeah, I'm pretty sure he stole that and I'm like well And I've said that but I can't fucking I can't kill that story. I can't kill the joey jingle story

Even though leave it already It's already been fucking who's cares I've been accused of a lot of things. I'm a man of many accusations, but I never bought the heroin. She always bought the heroin I forgot all about that. So you just brought that up just now. She was beautiful She was yeah, she was Like You have an image of someone in your head and you don't know why you do or don't like them But I remember her saying something really cunty to me, uh, which I probably took offense to because it was accurate

But whatever it was, I have no idea. It's it's weird when you look back and you go I don't know why I don't like them But I don't I don't know what happened and they had another girlfriend That started hooking up with They had a redhead that was kind of a chubby girl She was a plus size model And she was doing heroin So then I started hooking up with her for a while

Her father owned two blockbusters. He was mc jagger's manager or something Business manager and he bought her two blockbuster videos up in ventura And she was just whacked out on heroin too I never I was never buying it. I didn't even know where to buy it that girl Would bring me up there and I'd do a couple lines of coke She'd give me a line of heroin then she'd let me eat a pussy. That was it That's that's the reason blockbuster went out of business. Yeah

Yeah, I heard her drug abuse And I still remember our nights at that fucking coach and horses What a fucking bar that was It was incredible And and and we found it We found it when it was an actual dive bar that you were afraid to go into it. Nobody was ever in there That was a fucking dive bar, man They had the old lady

Ginger or george ginger ginger was the old lady bartender. She was like throw mama from the train mama Will you want another drink? Well, this isn't a bus stop She threw a blind guy out for having a dog and she wouldn't listen to other customers explaining that it's a seeing eye dog I don't care the sign says no dogs And so uh, it was a dive bar because of her and then uh, then they Finally fired her and hired a hot bartender and all of a sudden it was the trendiest fucking bar on sunset

I assume I'm being in there with you me dayfulton Oh, yeah Maybe mitch I was I bought some coke in silver lake. It was the best coke I ever bought in california Here I am at the fucking coach and horses And I couldn't even talk. I was sitting at the bar with you guys. You guys were having a conversation I couldn't even fucking talk I still remember that night couldn't talk Oh, you you wait you were

Because because of the of the coke how fucked up I was I did not say a word That's weird now becker was always like that becker who could never shut the fuck up in real life It was the opposite. He was so hyperactive, but you get him coke and he just sat there I couldn't say over I was there. I wasn't there that night But I remember going in another night and seeing you there And the girl had said that she just saw again. The phoenix had just left with two broads Like this had to be 2000 2001 maybe

Gandolfini or tarantino Gandolfini All right, because I know tarantino was in there Tarantino was in there a few times Michael Keaton, I remember being in there key for sutherland But back when it was really divey. Yeah, it was divey. It was a real dive fucking bar That's why they show up there because fucking no one's in there No, you got to see what it looks like now. It's like a fancy fucking restaurant. Well, it's the pikey. I've seen it

It's gone. It's gone for good It can't be that fucking and then the next door was a bookstore Remember that bookstore where you bought all the acting books and shit That's fucking that's gone. That's gone. It's over You know, it's a shame that All those I still remember playing tennis with you at gorky park with mitch head Yeah, I would get a nickel bag down there That was like the fucking

That was like all russian run down there was like the russian mafia down there Selling nickel bags and we would play and then me and mitch Would walk up to hollywood boulevard And the stripper used to make us fucking iced tea sun tea That's a long fucking time ago, man. That's where headbook wrote that joke I realized no matter how much I played tennis. I'll never be better than a wall Oh my god Yeah, his first letterman. He did that joking. He used my name

I said I played tennis with my friend dug I think that's me. That's me. You still miss him Fuck yeah, I'm missing too I miss all those guys. I miss Ralphie I miss I still remember being in the coaching horses with you with brody stevens One night and we hooked up with two broads I was with a broad and she had a girlfriend And I didn't get laid but brody got laid

And I I remember Go ahead He had a super unknown. He had a Volvo at the time And he was playing super unknown by song garden And I'm like, I need I need that cassette And I just took it from him and the next day he's like, did you take my super unknown cassette? I'm like, no Why would I take your fucking cassette? That was the last time I was probably in coaching horses

I I remember being in the coaching horses. This girl I had uh, the banged on the road in Iowa I know it was Iowa because that's I couldn't remember her name. So I just called her Iowa She showed up in LA and And we went to some bar and then remember Renee this is when I was so in love with Renee that uh I couldn't land the deal as she would always hang out in the coaching horses Renee my wife And so

It's me and becker and Iowa and we show up at the coaching horses and Renee is there and I'm like, oh fuck This is my this is the girl. I've been trying to fucking Male forever So I blew off the Iowa girl Left her with becker and I'm going to work Renee and that girl gets pissed and she goes and fucks becker To like to get me back. I'm like, yeah, my friend who never gets laid. You're gonna fuck him. Oh, I'm heartbroken heartbroken So fucking weird times Doug

Doug, I just wanted to see you man. That's it. I wanted Made my day on my last podcast like you fucking when you sent me that I was like in such a depressed place Where like fucking oh joey ds. Fuck. Yeah. That's that's exactly what I needed in my day was hey, we're gonna talk Yeah, I've been really thinking about you a lot ever since I left LA just because You got me started there. I wouldn't never I would have never gone there if it wasn't for you new years Talking me into going down there. You talked me into it You Wikipedia when we started we both uh our first headliner

was uh Matt Woods was the first guy you opened for Yeah, pretty much Denver It's on your wikipedia page. You can't trust it. But that was my first triple run was with Matt Woods And I've as recently as yesterday. I've quoted Matt Woods bits Really Yeah, I fucking I don't know whatever happened to him. I know hope he's out there

But I could do like that was a like a two week triple run with my first headliner on my first like serious road trip Tour and I could do his acts to this day fucking You know 29 years later. I could do his About the squirrel Yeah, I don't have a joke about a squirrel. You ever see a squirrel running something like that. Yeah. Yeah But he had uh, what was the one I quoted? Oh, he's uh, yeah, uh, uh cop pulled me over on the way to the show

He said any idea why I stopped you and I said, yeah, so would it be less windy while we talk? Yeah He was he was the headliner on stage At the comedy works the first time I got on stage And I talked to him afterward and then about four years later He pulled me aside and called me out And just you know, he read me the riot act of 1963

He goes, you know, you can wipe the floor with these guys But you don't want to write jokes. You want to keep drinking and snorting coke Be my friend be my guest. He goes But if you ever put your mind to this you could be really good like he read me the riot act And I walked to the bus station. I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna go back and beat him up like that was my answer You know like some guy tries to help you And I was so fucked up then that I went to the bus station And I go I can't believe that guy talked to me like that

I had a white t-shirt on like just a regular White t-shirt with like a hooded sweatshirt and he's like you were gonna go on stage like that tonight with a white t-shirt really? That's why he just read me the riot act and I went back to beat him up, but he wasn't there And then I see him maybe Maybe five years later. He's writing for brian dunkelman I Remember brian dunkelman. Yeah, you know, I actually just uh Just started talking to him again on twitter. I love that. He just fucking

Shoulders his bad beat from american idol and runs with it, but go ahead So send him my love. He's a good guy I was in a room I was in a room called I forget like in somewhere in LA It wasn't like it wasn't a comedy club. It was just a regular room And matt woods came in and saw me blow the fucking room up And I remember coming off the stage and him going That talk really helped you and I said to him you have a tough idea

How close you came to getting a beat in that night you fuck and then we became friends and uh That's it. That's what life is all about buddy But let's check in with each other in about a month. Let's do this again absolutely sir Pleasure you think it'll work Oh, fuck. Yeah, how's bingo doing? Oh, she's pretending not to be in the background

Okay Send them my love tell her I love her Hey, baby. Hey, baby What's happening you sexy motherfucker? I'm looking somewhere I was listening to the whole thing. All right, great to see you. I love you No, I remember I what one of those times someone sent me. Oh joey Diaz is talking about you gotta listen He goes, yeah, I want to have him on my podcast, but he always shows up with this like gaggle and fucking

He's got a what are you not a crew, but what do you call a posse? Like like 19 people You show up with like 19 people deep. I got a little fucking office in LA. You know what I'm saying? I love you I don't want them to think I got a posse over You're good You're good, but I love you and I'm happy I got to see you And to talk about some old times and thanks for all your help

Because without you I wouldn't be here. So thank you brother Fuck fuck you I love you very much, sir. I love you buddy. Have a great week and we'll talk soon This will air on monday. So get ready Yeah, I'll tweet the fuck out of it. All right. I love you. Stay black All right I hope you enjoyed that dog. That was uh a great 50 minute talk Just seeing him

Did something to my heart It made me uh grateful again It took away a little bit more of the anxiety and it was it was just great to see him I haven't seen him in such a long time. I know you joey jingle fans are happy now you cock suckers But uh, yeah, it was a great time. I want to thank Doug I was great seeing bingo And we'll keep it at that. Like I said, you guys are sick of me for right now I'm gonna give yous a week off. We'll probably another zoom guest for wednesday

I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black I love you and here's for a word from our sponsors All right, I want to thank Doug stanhope But most importantly, I want to thank you guys before we go anywhere I want to talk to you about something The joint is brought to you by on it. Listen, whether it's the shroom tech New mood alpha brain on it is the best supplement out there. Why because I live on it I do my alpha brain

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