Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #044 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, March 3rd..... Today, we talked about chatting with Doug Stanhope and the 1 Year Anniversary of Joey’s last time at The Comedy Store... This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.ZipRecruiter.com/Joey Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

Greetings you bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday the 3rd of March. The joint is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Listen, good help is hard to find. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Sure, you can post your job online or at the corkboard down at the fucking coffee shop, but then you got to sit there and hope the right person walks by and sees it. Go to Zip Recruiter for free right now at ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. They do all the work for you. One click and your job gets sent to over 100 top job sites. And here's where it gets freaky. Their matching technology hooks you up with the people, with the skills and experience that you need. And right now you can try Zip Recruiter for free. Joey, what are you talking about? Free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. Joey, why do I need Zip Recruiter? Because Zip Recruiter is so effective that 4 out of 5 employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Listen, this is your business. You got no time to be looking at resumes and interviewing goofy people. Go to Zip Recruiter right now for free. Give it a spin. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey. Try it for free just by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash Joey.

Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. Let me tell you something. They proved to me over the surgery, the strength that CBD Lion has. You don't know how many nights I was sore and I would go on my bathtub and throw in one of the bath balls. Who the hell has CBD bath balls? CBD Lion does. Again, I've come out of the bath. What would I rub on my leg? The cream, the 1000 milligram cream. Boom, on my leg. Then, before I fucking put my pajamas on at night, I put the CBD kinesiology tape on my knee. Everything's all settled. I go downstairs, I put ice on it. Do you get where I'm going with this? CBD Lion was three quarters of my recovery. Let me explain something to you. I'm done with the pain pills. Six weeks, whatever. I'm done. I threw 13 of the oxy-cottons away and the vikings are in the drawer. If you want one, come over. I'll give it to you, but you don't need it. CBD Lion's got you covered. Go to CBDLion.com. Read up on CBD, CBN, CBY, and the benefits and how it can help you with whatever problem that might be bothering you. I'm not saying that it's the end or be all, but let me tell you something. It's tremendous. Go to CBDLion.com right now and press in church or Joey and get 20% off of CBDLion.com.

Deliver it right to your house. No bullshit. No guy at the liquor store, some fucking mutt with a fucking hat on. Trying to sell you CBD. Go to CBD Lion. Read. Read. This is the help that you've been needing for a long time. You didn't know where to start. So go to CBDLion.com right now, press in church or Joey and get this party started. And now we're going to get our party started. You understand me? Let's light a little candle here for the Espitos Marlos and let's get this show on the road. Yeah, Joey's in the bag. Check one, two. Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joy. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the third of March. Can you fucking believe it's the third of March already? Where the fuck did the year go? Thank you very much for watching the Doug Stanhope podcast and enjoying it. Listen, I've said it a thousand times, people reach out to me all the time and they're like, listen, do you want to zoom? And I'm like, I really don't know you. So the relationship, when you zoom and you don't know a person, it's very rough.

You know, I zoom with Ryan Sickler, I'll zoom with Lee, I'll zoom with Doug Stanhope, but it's very tough to zoom with people you're not tight with or you don't have a relationship with that gap. Zoom has already kind of had like a fucking gap. I watched the first 15 minutes of it. Listen, I hate watching myself. I watched two minutes of it just to see the lighting and everything how it looks. But I watched that fucking podcast for a little while. And what I felt from that podcast was love, you know, a lot of love between two guys that had been around. I had, you know, Stanhope left in 2005, like he said on the podcast, and I had a really, really seen him and in a way he's kind of like my rock and, you know, things spun out of control for me. I mean, you know, we went off both directions and as soon as I landed here, since the minute I landed in New Jersey, you know, I've been asking myself what happened, you know, I've been backtracing the steps of what happened, you know. And Doug Stanhope's name has been on my mind every fucking day for the last three months. Like he's just one of the guys that really helped me and I never really got a chance to thank him and I wanted to thank him. And that's what that podcast was. You know, the reason I'm here is because of him because he convinced me to move to Los Angeles. And not only that, when I got to Los Angeles, he was my friend and he treated me with the utmost respect and, you know, that's just to let you guys know how fucked up I was.

Listen, I'm not making no excuses. I never make excuses to you people. I love you too much. Snorting coke and eating the German girl's pussy. I mean snorting heroin and eating the German girl's pussy. Did I ever tell you that story? I didn't even fucking remember it. That's how fucked up I was. That just goes to show you how fucked up I was. This girl was a knockout and once a week, every two weeks, I would see her at the corner store and we would talk and she'd go, I just picked up a bag and I walked down to her house. I'd do a little fucking line. She was beautiful, thin and she would play with herself and let me eat a pussy. That was it. She wouldn't let me fuck her. She didn't want no dick in her. She had her reasoning, whatever. But how crazy is that? I would go over there, do a line of heroin and then she'd take off her panties. I'd eat her pussy. She'd come and then we'd talk for 10 minutes and I'd leave and I wouldn't see her for two weeks. This was my life. And I got no excuses. I was fucked up. If I can't remember that, that just goes to show you. You know, a couple months ago, somebody reached out and said they were a little bit uncomfortable with me.

That I had hit on them 20 years ago, over 20 years ago, and that they were uncomfortable with me. Well, they went to Ari and Ari explained to them, did he take his dick out? And they said, no. He just hit on me and then we kept snorting coke and I drove him home. I said, what's the problem? What was the problem? Well, I always felt uncomfortable after that. You never said it before. I didn't even know what the fuck I was talking about. I lost my train of thought. Yeah, you know, but the point that I was trying to make was what I fucking forgot. You know, what difference does it make? It was 22 fucking years ago. Did he take his dick out or anything? He goes, Diaz was on fucking coke and fucking coked up and heroin down. And I said, Ari, that's no excuse. That's never an excuse. Just because I was on coke or heroin, I never laid an excuse on people. My actions were done by me. I could sit here and tell you I kidnapped Ken Vella because the dentist put me out that morning. I didn't do that. Did I say that? Have I ever said that? I had my teeth done the morning I kidnapped that kid and they put me under with gas so everybody told me that you could use it as a defense.

Yeah, because it affected how I thought. But that's a fucking excuse for a punk. That's an excuse a punk makes, you know. Listen, I'm a punk. I was a punk back then and I was fucking out of my mind. But that just goes to show you guys the power of the pen, the love I had for comedy and the effect that my wife had on me. Because guys, I remember snorting. Listen, when I talked to you guys about heroin, I told you that I did it when I was 17 with Gunter Brown. And then I revisited it again when I was in prison. I didn't know what I was doing. I snorted it. It was brown heroin tar and they put it in my nose with like a fucking like a thing that you put under your tongue. Like one of that nothing happened. Then one time I think I snorted like a powder and heroin or something and I got sick. I was never a big heroin guy. Then in 2007 was when Bonehead, the legend of Bonehead was sending me little $3 bags from Newark and I was doing them on Monday. I forgot all about, you know, I never shot everyone, nothing like that. But I forgot all about that that I used to get. I mean, that was a complete different time. 97 to 2000 for me was such a fucking blur because I had just landed in LA. I was hanging out with Doug, you know, Josh Wolfe.

You know, Doug was way above us at that time. Doug was our mentor. You know, we'd walk into a place with Doug like, fuck you, bitch. We're with Doug Stanhope. You know what I'm saying? So Doug mentored me. Doug took me under his fucking wing. Doug told me what to say. Doug was the one that told me that that joke that Joe Rogan loves. You know, beat a tranny. You know, if you beat a tranny, who are they going to call? Who are they going to believe me or do with a wig and a black eye? You know what I'm saying? That was with Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope said, that's a bit. Write that. Because somebody said something about a tranny on the block or something and they were like, what, you know, what? Are you going to hit a tranny? I'm like, who are they going to believe me or some dude with a wig and a black eye and that stuck and Joe Rogan loved it. Doug loved it. But those are my influences, man. You know, the day that I really had reached out to Doug was the day about the Sierra Bonita shooting when they shot Lady Gaga's. Doug Walker. Listen, it's a giggle, whatever. No, the kid didn't die. He's alive and kicking. He just wrote in the Instagram and the dogs were recovered. I don't know what happened. I wasn't there, but let me tell you something.

Sierra Bonita was our neighborhood. Sierra Bonita is a street and it was Sierra Bonita, Kersan, Vista and Gardner. You know, and everybody lived on those streets and Sierra Bonita was Mitch Hadburg and Nick DePauw. I said, there's a thousand fucking times. And that was just such a great name. But I would see Steve O going into it. There was a on Kersan and the corner Kersan. There's a 711 and right across the street. There's a liquor store. It's perfect. I used to see Steve O. I'm talking about 98, 2000. I was getting fucked up and I would see him going to the liquor store, walking out with a case of beer and then going to 711 and getting two cottons of smokes. When you see somebody getting two cottons of smoke, you know they're going into the deep underworld. Deep, deep fucking underworld. Two cottons of smokes. Jesus Christ. I would go home with two packs of cigarettes or something, two cottons of cigarettes. You're not going out for a few fucking days. So it was just when that thing happened on Sierra Bonita, it didn't happen on Sunset. It happened maybe a block up North, maybe a block and a half up North towards Hollywood Boulevard. That hit home with me and it made me think about Ralphie and Mitch and fucking, you know, Doug and then just, you know, that story about, oh my God, about the fucking the night that the coaching horses, coaching horses was a dive bar that was cool and fuck.

I saw some wild shit in there and I used to go in there when I was fucked up and when I first got to LA, I didn't have a car and Doug lent me a car one day to go get an audition, an audition and had to go to downtown LA. This is like the freakiest fucking story. Like, like when I lived with Doug, the weirdest shit happened, right? I'm living with Doug and I go to fucking, I go, Doug, I got to borrow your car. Doug didn't wake up till 12. I woke up at nine. I needed a day job. So I was going to go look for a telemarketing job. I told Doug the night before I'm going to borrow your car. It's a Friday morning. Check it out. Check out the computer, whatever. It's a Friday morning. It either had to be January of 97 or February of 97. I don't know if you could look up the date. It was a North Hollywood shooting when the guy was walking down the streets with the body armor and shit. That's the day I woke up, gotten Doug's car at 8.45 to do an interview at nine and I got to the 101. I'll never forget this as I was entering the 101. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Cause I got the LA January, I don't know, 29th or something like that. I got made a regular February 19th and I was living with Doug till about March or April. And I still remember leaving Doug's house and getting to the 101 and my pager going off. And when I went to pull over the call, it was the job telling me not to come up, that there's a mass shooting in North Hollywood by the offices. It turned out years later, I lived in that neighborhood. They showed me where all the bullets and all the shit was going. Oh no, no, it was insane. The 101 was backed up.

So if I would have gotten on the 101, I would have never, I would have ran out of gas. Cause in those days, E meant enough for me. E meant enough. You know what I'm saying? Whenever it was on E, it's like enough. It's enough. Don't worry about nothing. At least till the red light comes on. We got nothing but fucking hoping dreams. Worst case scenario, pissing a gas tank, but I'll never forget going up Highland, pulling over and then calling. Don't come up here cause they're shooting all bullets. And me going, okay. And I fucked him, turned around and went home. And then like the following week, at this point I wasn't living with Doug anymore. It had to be like a month or two later. I had moved out of Doug's, but I still borrowed his car. He lent me his car to go to an audition for an ABC show. Guys, I was as green as fuck. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I go to this audition. I walked in, I see Rudy Moreno, old comic friend of mine, brilliant guy. I used to run the brave bull comedy. He gives me a big hug. I'm in LA, you know, at this point, maybe four, five months. You know, I'm a regular at the store. I'm fucking out there banging it out. And on the way back under the five by Dodger Stadium, I got a flat by Silver Lake. It's called Silver Lake and I end up on Silver Lake Boulevard and I go, I know one person who lives on here. This chick Marilyn Martinez, right?

So I call Marilyn Martinez up, rest in peace, one of my dear, dear friends. Doug loved her too because she was crazy. She loved Doug. They loved each other. They were both dirty and they would follow each other at the store and shit. And I called Marilyn. She's the only person I knew when I got Marilyn. I got a fucking flat. I don't even know where to start. It's not my car. I'm embarrassed. It's Doug's car. She goes, don't worry about nothing. Where are you? I go, I'm at some park. This is craziness guys. Okay. I'm at some park, La Merck Park, one of those fucking parks down. It wasn't downtown LA. I'm lying to you. It's in Silver Lake and it was around there. There's a big park behind Silver Lake. If anybody remembers it while they just tweet me and let me know to refresh my memory. Again, look up at this date. Maybe, I don't know. I don't know what the date is. Maybe let's go with May of 97. Okay. So it's May of 97. I call Marilyn like a man. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm by this fucking park. And I'm pulled over. She goes, don't worry. Where are you? I told them by the park. There's a statue. There's a water fountain going up in Silver Lake or whatever it's called. She goes, my husband, Dave is going to go pick you up. I had never met a husband. He's a black dude. He was a fucking Crip, bad motherfucker.

Years later, I ended up bringing him to the set of the longest yard and telling them that he was my probation officer and fucking him and Bert Reynolds were talking for hours and shit. But I take this motherfucker, Dave Crowder comes, but he comes with a white looking dude. And David says to me, this is my brother-in-law. He's Cuban just like you. He just got out of prison three days ago. Hey, man, what's happening? Hey, you know, it's happening. I hug him and shit. And he's young, you know, the whole fucking deal. And we start talking. He takes me to this Mexican place that sells ties like 10 bucks and they put them on for you. You know, no drama, just a nice tie and nothing spectacular. 10, 15 bucks, 10 bucks to just put it on. And he puts it on. And then they go, what do you want to do? And I go, I don't know, whatever you guys want to do. And we went and we went like, that's how this story got Cuban food. But before this whole thing happens, I'm waiting for them at the park, right? I'm minding my own business. You can't write this. This is why you cannot write Joey Diaz's fucking life story because there's too much shit. I'm sitting at this park. It's a nice day.

I don't know, 70, 60 degrees. I'm minding my business. I don't know nobody. I'm waiting for Dave. And all of a sudden I see a car, you know, and he's like driving you radically, right? So he comes around the thing and then I hear a helicopter and then I see fucking four cop cars had a beam, right? I'm sitting here, minding my own fucking business. It's a beautiful day to be alive, birds are chirping, you know, the whole fucking deal. What the fuck do you think happens next? The car pulls around the guy that they were chasing. This motherfucker pulls around, gets out of the car, right? Gets out of the car, gets behind this. I mean, opens up his door. I'm watching all this. It's 500 yards from me. Maybe I'm 33, 34, 97. So I had way better eyesight, you know, and it was like that scene in The Godfather 2 when she goes to visit the Godfather and she tells him my son's retarded. Don't don't kill him, you know, spare his life. And then she has a knife and he blows her away with a gun. Dog, that's exactly what I saw, live and in color. I don't think I've ever said this on a fucking podcast.

So I see this motherfucker, he is driving, right? And also he just goes, and he turns the car around, does a full 360, pops his fucking passenger door open, gets out of the car and starts shooting at the cops. I'm watching all this, the helicopter's above. I'm like, oh my fucking God. You're not sinking in your seat. No, I wasn't in the car. I was sitting on the hood. Why am I sitting in a hot car for? I want to see it. I want to get some vitamin D. And all of a sudden the guy's like, bah, bah, bah. And he looks like this and I see him run across. Like he had like a, maybe a 30 yard run to the thing where he pulls over and he starts shooting at him and a cop just fucking wasted him with like a fucking pump gun, some type of shotgun, just boom. And the guy was like, and they caught him as he was going to go and he just took him and he went like maybe four feet. He landed. I was like, the helicopter came down even lower to make sure he was dead and the cops fucking rushed in.

And that's when fucking David and my friend came and I go, you just fucking missed it. The cops just shot a dude right there. I mean, and dog, listen, if the cops want to interview me now about a year later, the cops were solid on this call. I saw the whole fucking thing. I saw the guy do the 360, get out of his car and get behind the passenger door. He fucking kept the glass up and he shot through the glass. That's all like, that's how it started hearing it. But I saw the whole thing go down. Boom, boom, boom. He shot maybe four times. He reacted. They were shooting at him and then he shot like to go into an alley. But while he was shooting, he was like, you know, like in the movies and bro, something like that was shooting handguns at him. But at one point, some guy just fucking got him right the fucking chest and he went by just to solve the explosion.

And that was it. So he takes me over. We fucking get the tire fixed. And then we go to Silver Lake and we eat at some Cuban joint. And he takes me to a Cuban bakery, the whole fucking thing. And you know, you know me from this shooting, the cops, not a word, not a word. Were you like the only one around? There was there was some people at a park, you know, some kids playing like not. It was a big park with a fountain in the middle. Like a fountain towards three quarters side, not really in the middle. It happened on the other side of the park and I was over here. So it was a good far distance.

There were people there, no investigator came up to me and asked me by the time they got there, we just basically took the tire off the car and drove it to the Mexican place. And then we came back and put the tire on. And that's when they were still tagging the body. They had the cones around. They had the whole fucking thing. They just shot this motherfucker with a shotgun. Boom. So we're talking bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. It's about six o'clock now. And I don't know, you know, I don't know how it gets mentioned. He says he's got cocaine for sale. I go, Jesus Christ, you told the right person because I'm in the market.

I'm looking. So he goes, I'll have it at eight o'clock or something. You know, you have to come back to Silver Lake. So I went, I gave Doug back his car and I think I borrowed Josh Wolf's car. And I went up to this Cuban's house and he sold me an April of some shit that I could smell it when I walked into the apartment. Like this guy was not fucking around. He was three days out of prison and he had already met the dude and he was slinging. So he gave me a nice price. I think I got an eight ball. Let me tell you something. I had no comedy that night. I'll never forget. I had no comedy that night. So I started early. You know, that was one of them. It was like a Tuesday. Mitzi didn't give me a spot or something.

I was just fucking around, bro. Now my tolerance for cocaine at this time was pretty high. I was 10 years away from quitting, but my tolerance was pretty fucking high. You know, I had been, I could do a gram and not blink an eye in those days, like two lines and just sit there for an hour and not say nothing or talk. Shit. Cause I was chatting. Captain went to coke. Let me tell you something. I'll never forget driving back from Silver Lake with that eight ball, getting into Hollywood and going by Josh Wolf's house and doing like two or three lines with him. He was going to do something and me doing like fucking eight lines. And I mean, when I tell you, I walked into the coaching horses. I didn't say a word. David Fulton tweeted today. Thank you for mentioning us and whatever.

I still remember Joey filled with Peruvian glue and his mouth was shut. I mean, I couldn't even fucking talk. That is no lie. My mouth was fucking shut. I remember them talking to me. I couldn't sweat. I couldn't do anything. I still remember what I did that night. This is how disgusting and creepy I was. I fucking got so hammered at that coaching horses by 1130. I was so coked up. And every time I looked in the bag, there was still tons of coke left. I'm like, dog, this is going to be a long fucking night. So I stayed there as long as I could before I started getting creepier and creepier because I'm a creepy fucking guys.

It is never mind putting cocaine in me. The creepiness really comes to fuck out. And I'll never forget I had this car and I went across the street. I bought a fucking two six packs. And I went in this car. I had a moonroof and I fucking pushed the seat all the way back. And it was I was staying on this to like four car loads up from Josh Wolf under a tree. That's when I lived in that car. You ever hear the car I lived in? They got my apartment got towed. That's when I had that car. And I'll never forget that I went back to that car and I would drink, do lines.

I couldn't talk. I didn't want anybody to see me. There was a blanket in the trunk and I left this because I would live in the car from time to time. You know, it was my travel car to go on the road. I would put the seat back, put the blanket over me and right in the driver's seat. I would try to jerk off the coke and I couldn't jerk off because my dick would shrink. It was a fucking nightmare. That was one of the worst cocaine nights of my life. That coke was so fucking tremendous. I'm telling you, I couldn't talk. And I still remember with me, Doug David Fulton, his buddy that he always hangs out with,

Josh Wolf, I think it was like Tana Manu. There was like eight of us running. Not everybody was doing coke. Like those guys don't do coke. Fulton, no stand-up. I was the only cocaine, but I was so fucked up. I will never, ever forget how embarrassing I was that night. Couldn't even talk. Couldn't even say a fucking word. And usually, like I have a friend, he never talks, but he does coke. He doesn't talk because he stutters, but when he does coke, he doesn't stutter.

It's the weirdest thing. That's how I know he's doing coke. When he calls me, he's like Pavarotti. Oh, solo mio. When he's not doing coke, it's like, die, how you doing? What do you mean? He sounds like Lee's cousin. Yeah, but when he's fucking doing coke, he's straight as an arrow. He's singing Kenny Rogers songs and shit like that. So yeah, it was just two guys seeing each other.

They hadn't seen each other in a long time. And I was very happy. I was very happy for the memories. I'm happy that you guys got to hear the memories that we shared with Ralphie and his mother. God rest her soul. She had old breasts. Like Mrs. Stanhope had breast implants like in 1950. They were made from wood, like a tits were hard and she would ask you from time to time. Feel them. Feel them if you want them. You're like, Mrs. Stanhope, how long?

I mean, guys, it was a great, listen, it was a lot different than what it became. Things weren't so serious. You know, he said to himself, Mitch Hedberg wrote the joke when we used to play tennis down at Gorky Park. It was Russian parks, they would call it Gorky Park. I mean, we were down there three, four nights a fucking weekday playing tennis. You know, comedy was fun. I didn't know what I was doing. I was a young kid. I was Lee.

I was basically a Lee hanging out with Doug Stanhope, Mitch Hedberg, and hanging out at the comedy fucking club and learning from those guys. It was just the ultimate. I mean, I was, I, I, when I saw Doug Stanhope, like I had met Doug in 91 or 92 and then we worked together in 93. Then he won San Francisco. Doug came back to Seattle in 96 and did a weekend. And this is what changed Joe Diaz. You know, we do the album of the week and I show you about my influences.

You know, the people who influenced me with music, whether I do the album of the week on Patreon. So I'm sorry if a lot of guys don't see it. When I do the album of the week, it's, it's not from, I don't go on Rolling Stone. I don't go on fucking whatever and look at what albums are popular. I'm telling you what created my musical taste. When I throw different albums at you, you know, what's this week? Elton John, you know, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. You know, last week was volume four.

You know, every week I throw a different album. But the, you know, what is what Joey, what is the comparison between Elton John and Doug's and Doug Stanhope and black Sabbath? There's no connection. There's no Elton John doing black Sabbath. You never seen Sabbath covering fucking, you know, hello baby. Hello. You don't see that shit happening. That's as far as a genre as you could see the difference.

I had to do the same thing with comedy because that's how he learned to be a good comic. You know, I'm a dirty comic, but I'm a big fan of John Mulanis, you know, because he works clean. I think it can take, you know, I hope he's doing well. He was in a rehab. I hope he's out and he's handling his fucking business like a man. Most people were goofing on him because he had the courage to go to a fucking rehab. People just have no fucking respect for anybody anymore these days. But Doug Stanhope was one of those guys that I looked at that June.

I remember we were going to go see Alanis Morris at that Saturday. 65 dollar tickets. I was furious. My girlfriend at the time. But that Friday night, I went to see Doug Stanhope and I laughed so hard. It made me depressed because I knew I would never be as good as a comic as Doug Stanhope. He was on a different fucking level in 96. In my world right now, in my eyes, I'm a huge fan of Bill Burr.

I think Bill Burr is God. I think when I think of what a standup is, I think immediately to Bill Burr. And then we have different styles. We have Joe Rogan has a different style. I have more of a storytelling style. Theo's a storytelling style. But the true Lenny Bruce of our generation is not Dave Chappelle. It's not Joe Rogan.

It's none of those guys. And I'm not saying that they're bad comics. They're great comics. They influence me. Dave Chappelle. I watch everything. Patrice O'Neill. All these guys are great comics.

The real Lenny Bruce of my career was Doug Stanhope. Because while everybody else tried not to be Hollywood, he wasn't Hollywood. All those other comics will tell you they're not Hollywood. They're Hollywood. If you're telling me you're not Hollywood, it's because you're Hollywood. You don't have to tell me. We see it. Doug Stanhope told the industry to go fuck themselves.

The biggest lesson that I learned from Doug Stanhope was you don't need nobody. If you work on your craft, I don't care if you do triple runs and nobody sees you. If you work on your craft, you disappear for five years. They're going to fucking know who the fuck you are, whether you like it or not. Doug Stanhope didn't give a fuck about TV. He didn't give a fuck about anything. At the height of comedy in 2005, he picked up his bags and moved to Busby, Arizona and told the industry to suck its dick.

That's what a real fucking comic does. Do you understand me? We go against it. He and Sean Rouse did a fucking show. Sean Rouse got rest his soul. Funny motherfucker. And I guess Doug Stanhope went up there and made fun of the only son. And he banned them from all the funny bones and improvs.

Did you think that stopped Doug Stanhope? Bitch. He went and got bars all across the street from those clubs and sold them out. Now he can play whatever improv he want, a funny bone he wants to. Because he fucked and shut him the fuck down. That's what a real comic does. We don't play into their fucking hands. We're running the fucking game, bitch.

And he's proven it all along. He went to Busby while everybody else was fighting. Do you think that the comedy store was great? But if Stanhope was dead during this whole thing, it would have been the fucking cherry on the fucking Sunday. It would have been a club that the wrath of that club would have been. It would have been just too much. He would have really added because his style of comedy is very unique, very funny, very intelligent. It comes off from some far out fucking places.

And it's not just that. It's his lifestyle. You heard him. He bought a car from a friend of mine. He used my friend's fucking address for his license and a fucking ad. This guy was just living a life that most people dream about living. They're not controlled by anybody. You can't tell Doug Stanhope not to do a joke.

Neither can me. We're fucking savages. We're cut from the same cloth. I learned as much from him as I did from Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan had the more professional style. That's why Joe Rogan made the $100 million and did the other stuff. Doug was more of a purist. Doug won't do it for the money.

Doug doesn't give a fuck about the money. It's like me. I don't give a fuck about stand-up money. I love... You don't get paid for stand-up. You get paid for the bullshit that comes along with it. The flights and the fucking waiting and get to your hotel after you haven't slept and the room isn't ready and, you know, people coming up to you afterwards with bad breath

and talking to you about episode 629 and how you were wrong about the fucking whatever. You know, there's always fucking something. So what I'm trying to say to you is, you know, Stanhope is a genius and I'm happy I had him on the show. And I'm happy you fucking guys enjoyed him because I've been different since I talked to him. You know, I've had a hard time here the last six months. The last five we've done the podcast and Mike has helped me tremendously to push through whatever anxiety and fears and whatever the fuck I was going for.

I mean, it's rough. I'm just a fucking dad now in suburbia. I live in fucking suburbia. I'm a suburbian fucking dad living in the sticks, loving it, you know, just loving it. Today I got up, I went to the gym. I talked to the girl. I'm writing the book with my partner. We did a half hour, 45 minutes on the phone.

That's coming along just fine. But I do have a little sadness in my heart today. I want to talk to you about it's been a year today officially since I've been at the comedy store. It's been a year since I've been on the main room stage. It's been a year since I've been in the original room because I did both shows that night. It's been a year since I hugged Ali Wong tonight, March 3rd. This is tonight was the last night I went down and I walked in. People were talking about social distancing.

I guess nobody at the comedy store got the memo. And yeah, nobody at the store got the memo. There was no fucking nothing. I remember walking into that comedy store on a Tuesday night and it was mobbed. And I just got back from Vegas and I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? And I just wasn't feeling it. I went into the bar. The bar was packed.

It wasn't until I went into the main room and I went into the green room. I saw they had no windows. My anxiety shot up. I went by the door. I got some oxygen and I remember trying to sneak out as fast as possible seeing Ali giving her a hug telling her she looked beautiful. And I just walked out and got in my car and never went back. I didn't know that night.

That was going to be my last night there. I'm not going to tell you I did. I knew it was over when they told me a week later they closed the store. That's when I had a feeling I wouldn't be up there. Once I made the commitment to come to the store. I fucking I went to the store on a Sunday with my family and I put my hand against the wall and I thanked it. I thanked the spirits.

I thanked the wall. I thanked the building. I sat on the stairs. I think I got the pictures in here. I'll post one of them on Patreon and on Twitter for you if you'd like for you guys. But yeah, I took pictures of my last day at the store. I went on a Sunday and I just walked around. I walked around the whole building.

I went all the way to the back. You know where Jeff Scott used to sit and I fucking sat back there for a minute. And then I walked around to the back door and I sat on those steps. How many nights I sat on those steps talking to great fucking minds from Joe Rogan to Eddie Griffin to Paul Mooney. I don't know how many nights I sat there talking to Andrew Dice Clay. I'm giving me advice. You know, Sebastian, we were just young fucking knuckleheads getting advice from a fucking

elderly, you know, Andrew Dice Clay. I just cannot tell you cannot tell you, you know, so that podcast Monday was great because it settled me down. I got to see one of my old buddies and I think we're going to do this once a month me and Stanhope just once a month fucking around and telling stories, telling crazy road stories. I went on the road with him a couple of times. We'll save those. I didn't even go into those.

I went on the road with him maybe twice. Went to RVs in Portland and once to a club in Wisconsin, I think. I think I canceled them on that one. He was pissed at me. But when I brought him on, it was just to thank him for being my friend. I was how fucking lucky was I? How lucky was I, man? That God put Stanhope in my life.

And then what I was trying to explain to you before, it just wasn't Stanhope. I had Rick Dukeman in my corner. Then Paul Mooney was in my corner. Then fucking Joe Rogan got in my corner. Then Ralphie May was in my corner. And it was like, you know, I'm getting minted by when I met Ralphie. Ralphie was a no name, but he was already headlining Ralphie. I wasn't headlining when I met Ralphie.

Ralphie could already do an hour 20. I wasn't even close to that shit. But those conversations were Ralphie and Doug. You know, we mentioned Celine and a hosa God rest her soul. She passed a few years ago. This chick was our friend. She became, she went on Doug's show. Doug had a 13 episode deal with Fox, a hidden camera show.

Did you ever know that? If you could ever find those, if anybody could find those online, get ready to laugh. It's just pranks. He was the best. And there's one particular when the limo driver has to give him a ride to the airport. And when the limo driver shows up, he goes, we got a problem. My grandmother died. We got to drop her off at the hospital.

You don't know how many limo drivers took off. There was one Arabian guy. He was like, we'll do it. They taped grandma. They taped the step. Like it was a fake thing and they put a blanket over it. And they put her on top of an SUV and they duct taped it. This guy said for an extra hundred, we'll do whatever you need to do.

And he drove. Then they showed Doug going into a pizza parlor with a cat, with a dead cat in a box, like what looked like a dead cat. He said, excuse me, I was finished. I was cooking this cat. And I fucking, I fucking, my oven blew. Do you mind putting this in your pizza and finishing the cat up and the guy would open it up and it's like a half a dead cat that was really fake.

And the guy throw, would throw Doug out. It was just, it was 13 episodes. If you could find it, find it. But yeah, today is a very, listen, I did so many things. I didn't even have a chance to absorb it if I was sad or not. But I am a little bit off. I lost my, I lost my world yesterday, a year ago today. I lost my world.

I thought it was just going to be for a couple of weeks. And here we are a year later in the comedy store still closed. My, my heart goes out to them. I don't know what they're going to do. You know, I'm not them. I don't have to pay those mortgages or I don't have to pay all that stuff. So whatever they decide to do, they have my blessing because I got what I needed out of them. And they got what they needed from me.

And we were solid to each other. So this year has been very hard for me. You know, this move has been very hard for me. I know a lot of guys have watched me and said, you know, Joe, we could see kind of that something. Hey, it's, I'm, I'm fighting something that I'm starting to accept now. I'm accepting my new role as a suburban, a suburbia dad in the sticks. You know, I got the next four or five weeks on Uncle Vinny's starting tonight. I got a guest spot tonight.

I'm excited about all this stuff and, you know, I'm wishing for the best. You know, I don't know what's going to happen after March, but I will tell you what I read emails. You know, you guys know, I read your emails and stuff like that. I got an email from a friend of mine, like a comic friend of mine. He goes, did you read this? Somebody had posted that the reason I didn't move to Austin, they didn't say nothing negative. They just said, we love Joey, but we know why he didn't move to Austin because Joe wasn't going to let him on the podcast because of Spotify.

Let me explain something to you. I wasn't going to Austin either way. I told you guys that in April, the week that they shut March, March 9th, March 10th, I was supposed to be here. March 11th, I was supposed to be at whatever, Poughkeepsie, I don't fucking know, NIAC. And then the next two days, three days, I already had a realtor who was going to show me a few houses up north. Once the pandemic, the pandemic canceled, you know, I got a shot in my knee and my knees swole up, so I had to cancel Tuesday. I had to cancel fucking Wednesday. And by Wednesday, they were already saying in Bergen County, TNAC was spreading.

And there was another part, Orchid Park or whatever. So that stopped me from coming to New York to purchase a home. And when Joe Rogan called me and he goes, hey, I'm moving to Austin and I want to buy your house, 10 out of 10 people would buy a fucking house, would let somebody buy them a house. I loved Joe Rogan. I didn't need for him to buy me a house. I love him with all my heart. Do you often start on the table?

I could call him with the mom and say, I'm selling this fucking crib and I'm moving down. I'm sure do you often start on the table. But if you think I didn't move down there because I couldn't get on the podcast. Do you guys actually think I'm that shallow? Is that what you think of me? That I'm that shallow that I wouldn't live down there because of a fucking podcast. I've been on the podcast 20 times. And as all of you guys know him, I destroyed him every time.

You know, like Bon Jovi says, I've seen a million faces and I rocked them all. How many times I go on that podcast and rock that bitch. I did my job. I don't need to go back on there no more. Him and I speak all the fucking time we spoke last night. You know, we spoke two nights ago and last night we had a pleasant conversation. I think he's going to buy something down there. It's not my liberty to discuss what the fuck he's going to buy, but I'll be there.

And I'm not even going to tell you what I'm going to do that podcast with. I'm going to surprise you motherfuckers. Next time I do the JRE podcast, I'm going on there with the King. You guys, your jaws are going to drop. New Jersey, your jaws are going to drop. I'm going to go on there with. I'm not going to tell you when I'm not going to tell you who I'm just going to. I want you to just see Joey Diaz and the name you're going to see next to it.

And all your wigs are going to fucking fall off. So, but that's not happening till August or September. So don't get in the fucking pickle yet, but I'll be in Austin. Not anytime soon, but I'll be in Austin. I'll be down there visiting him hanging out. I want to see red band. I spoke to red band the other night. And like I've always told people, the day I die, the guy that's going to cry the loudest is going to be red band.

And he's going to be meaning it because we definitely love each other. We were so excited to talk to each other. I talked to Crystal Lea last week. He's doing great. I spoke to Ali Wang last week. She's doing great. You know, Doug Stanhope. I check in, man.

Got to check in with these fucking savages. Theo Vaughn. One motherfucker I didn't talk to was Joshua. I got to give that cock sucker a call. Fucking Jew is shooting especially if he gets about his uncle fucking Joey, these cock suckers. But I got to talk to you guys about something before we wrap this up. Sunday I'm in a good mood. I get stoned.

You know, we don't have to do the podcast till Monday. I'm having a great time. The girls went to a friend of theirs from LA that moved here also. So I had a few hours to myself, you know, I'm smoking some bones. I think I went, I went to the gym. I went to the gym. I came back. Once I go to the gym, I rode the bike for 15, 20 minutes.

I felt good. And I started fucking around on Periscope. Now I'm going to tell you guys something. So I start fucking around on Periscope and guess what? Some guys starts calling me. Calling your own? Yeah, yeah. A 201 number.

Okay. Now he keeps calling. He keeps calling. Then he keeps texting. He keeps texting. He thinks it's cute. You know, he thinks it's really cute. Me, I laugh.

I want you guys to all know something. The 323 number I have, everybody's got that one. You're my friends. I love you to death. It rings a hundred times a day and I'm not picking it up. I decided about two years ago that if I picked up every call I had every day, I wouldn't have time to do anything. I'm dead serious. There was a bunch of people listen to the podcast.

I gave, you know, phone numbers to you given. They call you once. They call you every day. And it just gets out of control. People, I have a daughter. I got to take it to events. I do things with wives. I'm at meetings.

I'm getting calls from people that should not be calling me at two in the fucking afternoon. So about a year ago, way before a year ago, about a year ago, yeah, it was last, in fact, it was last March before the pandemic. I got a new phone. It's a private phone. Even if you get a private investigator, you can't find it. As a matter of fact, as of today, only 16 people have that phone. 17 when I give it to Mikey next, because I'll give it to Mike. So it's people who matter to me that I can't miss their calls because this phone has become such a fucking circus.

So, you know, you could call. Let me tell you something. That 323 number, if you find it, you could call it to your face turns green. Nobody's ever going to answer it. Nobody's ever going to answer it. And I, and if like, I know, and if you, it's funny, if I actually find like, if you leave a message and you're annoying, I actually save the contact. So when you call, I know not to fucking pick it up. So you could call that number.

If you find it online, you could call it until your fingers turn blue. You're never, it's like the people who messaged me, like you missed the call. Why are you? What would make you think I would pick up a messenger call? Listen to my background. I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't know nothing. I don't know.

I don't want to know about nothing. I don't want to know about nothing. I know nothing. But why do you think, do you really think I'm going to pick up a fucking hot call? I don't know. That's never going to happen. You're going to have to leave a message and you're not going to hit back from me. Yeah, on purpose.

He thought he was fucking cute. You know, like, let me break his boy. It's something I would do too. You know, fucking. I did the Brody Stevens when he had his talk show. I would text them. Calm as a motherfucker. But just note for the other people who think it's cute and find my number and call.

You could call a thousand times. That thing will never pick up. In fact, these days, I don't even take that phone to car with me. I put in a fucking drawer and I just come back and see who calls and I'm like, I'm happy. I don't have this phone on me. So there's I got a phone that you couldn't find the fucking number even if you were in the CIA. Think about how a person could have a number and you can't find it. What would I have to do?

So think about it, knuckleheads. Don't fucking call me. Don't call me on that 323 number. You're in no danger. You could call it until you light yourself on fire. If you FaceTime me and you're on fire, I'll pick up the phone. If I see that, if I see you on fire, like other thing, like Joey, pick it up. I'm on fire.

Then I'll pick it up out of respect. But unless of you are not on fire, don't call my phone. If you fucking knuckleheads who I answer the message on, it says you just missed a call on messenger. Listen, I'm always going to miss the call on messenger always. I don't even know where to pick up the phone. Messy was the computer. Have a phone on the side. You supposed to fucking pick it up.

Whatever the fuck. Yeah. No, I don't want to pick. I don't want to talk to nobody. Listen, the rule still stands. It stood with the church and it stands with the joint. I don't know nothing. I don't want to know nothing.

I don't know who you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know nothing. I don't want to meet nobody. I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to go to dinner with nobody. I don't want to smoke with nobody. I want to do nothing.

I'm fine. We say hello. We shake hands. We give each other a hug. You take a hike north. I'll go fucking south. I don't know nothing. These people that come and ask me questions, you're asking the wrong fucking guy.

You're not going to get nothing out of me. You know, I'm not a rat. I did time. They're not due time. You're not going to get nothing out of me. So please don't call because you're in no danger. You got a better chance of getting that suicide hotline, especially today. That shit is fucking busy.

People been calling suicide hotline all week. It's a bad fucking time of the year. It's a bad time of the year for people. So, but I'm happy. We got to get to spend together this beautiful fucking Wednesday. I'm going to start off. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to call my man.

I'm going to go on draft kings. I got a game tonight. Chicago against New Orleans in motherfucking New Orleans. I think a friend of mine dropped a little dime on me and said to look at the game. The game's a little awkward. If you go on draft kings, always you co Joey. And like I said, it's easy because I've been getting into it lately. I'm having a great time.

Just doing little prop bets by one Saturday, but I lost Sunday. You know, it's $25. Why do I give a fuck? We're just having a good fucking time here. That's it. And that's that for the fucking joint. Uncle Joey's joint Facebook. I'm getting ready.

You're pretty soon. So expect to pull the plug on Facebook. It's going to go down to. Twitch, Twitter and Instagram. No more motherfucking Facebook and patreon. That's it. And I'm going to do a patreon, maybe one tier and that's it. Give you as much content as I can.

I'm starting a Spanish podcast called La Descarga on patreon. Then I'm going to make it. Let me work on patreon for two or three weeks or a month. And then I'll put it out into, because there's no categories for Spanish podcast on iTunes. So if anybody knows where I would post this, please contact Mike or myself, but it's a new podcast called La Descarga. And we're going to talk about some completely different things.

Only some, all the episodes will be in Spanglish, 80% Spanish. So you do, if you don't oblo, this ain't the show for you. But if you want to keep in touch with Uncle Joey, it might be a thought. It's first going to come on on audio. And then we're going to do a video version of it at a studio right here close by. But besides that, I love you guys. Like I said, now for a word from my sponsors, but I want to thank everybody

who sponsors, but I want to thank our biggest sponsors. You motherfuckers for being here on Mondays and Wednesdays with us. I love your cocksuckers. Stay black and don't tell them. I didn't tell you, you know what I'm saying? Fuck him in the ear. I love you. Have a great weekend.

See you Monday. Tip top. Fuck him and go. All right. I want to thank all you cocksuckers for listening today, for watching on YouTube. You know, I love you. I'm here swinging, swinging during the COVID, you know, most people fucking

gave up or they're depressed. I'm still over here fucking swinging. So I appreciate the people who are who still stuck it out with me because it's only going to get fucking better from here on in. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Listen, Zip Recruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Listen, you know, that good help is hard to find.

It's like trying to find the fucking, you know, a diamond. You know, you're not going to find it. Sure. You can post your job online. We're at a corkboard down at the fucking coffee cafe. You ever see the people that hang out at the coffee shop? You're going to hire them. You're going to trust them with your business or you can just sit there

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I want to thank, who else do we have this week? We had somebody else that was tremendous movement watches. I want to thank Relief Band. Look, I got my little Relief Band on for my nausea. And tonight there's a great game. Listen to me. I'm not going to tell you where I heard it. But the line on Chicago at New Orleans is kind of kinky.

Go to DraftKings. Give them a look. What else are you doing with your time? You might as well, it's March, it's March fucking Mania. You know what I'm saying? Check out DraftKings. Put a little better. Fuck $25 to watch a game.

They got a bunch of little contests. You're bored. You can control it. Stop being a fucking jerk off and fucking go to DraftKings. You know, I love you guys because have a great weekend. And I'll see you Monday morning. Tip top fucking Magoo. There you go.

Let's go. Go fuck your mother.