Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #046 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Wednesday, March 10th..... Today, we talked about a lot of things..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Lucy Nicotine Gum & Stamps.com...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Lucy.co and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Stamps.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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Candles a lip motherfuckers do what you need to do Uncle Joey loves you Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint I Greetings from podcastville you bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday the 10th of the month. I'm happy you're fucking here I want to thank Dean Delray for coming on on Monday morning. He made my week just looking at him, you know Just remind me of I do miss a lot of fucking people in Los Angeles. I do miss the Rogans and All those guys, but it was nice having them on here I wasn't kidding you guys when I told him that he helped bring me back a little bit with

With the DL music and just the music all around he was a dear friend And I fucking loved that that's I'm happy but we didn't get a chance to chitchat about what's been going on in my life Yeah, I'm fucking sitting there watching TV. I'm minding my own fucking business. I'm also nice. He does fucking the Kardashians Right, and I'm sitting there and I just I was just I just saw that it was coming on I didn't even know like I didn't click on to whatever the fuck it was And I'm thinking to myself. What the fuck is the attraction with these people? How the fuck did they stay on TV all these fucking years and people's got sucked into it, you know I've tried watching at a couple times. I mean the show isn't bad

I'm not putting it down. I'm not sitting here saying that but who fucking sits there religiously every week following the fucking Kardashians It's like, you know, they've created like a fucking it's like a fucking a soap opera living soap opera the husband turns Fucking LGBTQ. He switches fucking governments Kanye West is fucking crazy The sisters must have like a fucking plastic surgery farm or something the chubby sister I saw a commercial with her that she gets migraine fucking headaches She looks like a million fucking bucks a chubby sister. That's the to me. She's kind of cute She's a sweetheart people always cheating on her, you know, I don't know what she did to deserve this, but I mean, it's the truth I just don't fucking know I you you watch these things and you're like

What is the fucking connection that people have to this, you know But people have connections to podcasts people have connections to different shows, you know But that show there's just certain things that I've never bought into it's like the connection to Megan Markle and that fucking Pale cocksucker from England. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it I don't listen I don't give a fuck of what goes on in England Especially right now with COVID and the people dying and the pandemic and the fucking vaccine and the fucking 96% and which you know, it's like a game of jeopardy whether we're gonna live or not

Which fucking now that is an extra fucking thing. So it's either Pfizer Moderna or fucking Johnson and Johnson Johnson and Johnson is one shot So, you know, you don't even know people fucking calling me joy. How did you know how to get a shot? Listen, we got a friend That's it and then my wife got in there because she's a smoker and she's 50 and she's got her problems You know, I'm waiting. I'm gonna wait like a month or two to the mass exodus before I get my fucking vaccine I will get it eventually. I'll probably get the Johnson Johnson. It's one less fucking torture session. You know, listen Before I get a needle. It's a week of fucking trauma Like if you call me right now and go we need to see you March 29th in the doctor's office

And you need to do like a fucking heart test or something and we're gonna put ink in your vein I'm fine till a week out. Just sit here with me. You'll see me melt Determinate right in front of your fucking eyes. I think I'm just gonna do it Johnson and Johnson going there one time I'm gonna bring a mattress with me and put it next to me in case I fucking fall You don't know how many times I fucking hit the deck over fucking needles last time I fainted was a shot to the ass When I got married that before that one time I was an acupuncture and she didn't lay me down She just laid me this way on the table and I was on like a chair

Just like this one with wheels and I looked up and I saw like a needle sticking out of my fucking shoulder and I was like And like that's what I that's how I tore my first meniscus on the left side I didn't tell her because I didn't want to feel bad, but I pat I just looked over and I saw the needle sticking out on my fucking thing and I fucking just rolled off the chair and fell that way So that's what I'll do. I just bring a little fucking like a wrestling like a Fuji mat You know how Fuji sells mats and shit and I'll tell a little Chinese guy listen before you shoot me Once you see this sweater beat go down my face

Fucking take the needle out because I'm going the opposite fucking direction I'm even gonna position my chair so I could just roll off onto the fucking thing. That's it. I listen. I hate fainting I hate the feeling of going on then you're losing fucking consciousness with shit But you got to do it. You know I'm saying I'm gonna take a piece of this Lucy call right now This is my mother fucking little. Here's my favorite out all the flavors of pomegranate. I Got to tell you guys something I never told you. I don't know if you know this fucking story. I could I could smoke and I Smoked twice in my life

Like an asshole and you guys did listen We'll talk about it later, but I've told you guys for years. I'm not I'm no fucking surgeon I'm no brain genius. I got my own problems, but I Have jumped out of my Mike and I were talking before the podcast And he goes people want to hear your opinion on that, you know When I was a kid when my mother first died, I don't know if I've told you this I did acid I Started doing just one hit, you know here and there And then I was doing it fucking every night and then I went on like on a tear

I heard that these guys there was a group of guys in my hometown They didn't fucking drink they drank every night throughout the Iran contra when they were holding those hostages That was that thing that was their way of fucking whatever they drank for a hundred and forty four days straight I don't know. I remember that. I don't know. It's 1979 1980. I Took a different route. I started taking acid every fucking day to deal with life and after my mother's death for a year or maybe two from Maybe the beginning of 1980 To the middle of 81 I

Was a part-time masculine salesman. I had the little dots I will go up to Pennsylvania on the weekends and buy three four hundred five hundred six whatever I could sell, you know But part of that I was taking those and I know I have told you guys that you know Part of my coming back after my mother died would kept me together with my friends But it was also that I was experimenting Not with the fucking tubes and the jack-o-lantern. No that shit. I'm not I have to fucking fruit cake I was fucking dropping hits every night and my tolerance got high. I Was dropping five hits a night. I would drop four hits like it was nothing

And then I would go home in the peak of it and Listen to music with earphones on and reflect on my mom dying You know, you could see it's like an out-of-body experience you look within and heal yourself I mean it helped it didn't heal me, but it helped it kind of helped You know, I know a lot of people right now that I'm micro dosing and now the other day I read an article that people are using as a way of therapy and for me. I agree with it What I prescribe and I'm not a fucking doctor I'm just telling you what works for me

And it was you know, like a lot of people get mushrooms and they order empty capsules on Amazon and they fill them up I don't know what the weight is and then they'll just see what they need every day and no micro dose mushrooms For psychological reasons with PTSD for trauma, whatever you know, but I'm what I was going through Which is lack of focus, you know, I'm saying thank God. I went back on the shroom town the alpha brain Thank God. I got back into reading. I mean listen I was reading books I read the how Alfred book and I read my friend's book and I asked myself what the fuck that I just read and I Couldn't come up with a fucking answer

So I just went back to reading books that I had already read on my second one In fact, I wanted to read a section out of there for you guys. We're not up to that part yet But I took acid as a comeback I took acid for years and then cocaine took over. Yeah, and then we moved on but let me tell you something in the beginning What kept me alive? was doing acid, so You know, I don't know what you're going through or whatever, but I know a lot of people like that's why they legalized these type of drugs I think you know a lot of these people taking these mushrooms. I know Josh was doing it

I heard Duncan was doing it. I know Dean Delray does it from time to time And you know what and Dean's not a junkie indeed. Those guys are not drugheads. They smoke pot whatever But they say it helps them with their well-being. So if you're going through something, I don't know It's just an option. Maybe But I was laughing before the thing I was talking to Mike and I was talking about Lucy gum But it's not bad. I use actually ate all the fucking Lucy gum when I got out at I had a call Lucy company and get more But I started smoking at 32 years old because when I moved to Los Angeles, it was 97 so I was 34 I had never smoked a cigarette. I couldn't get in the fucking car with you if you smoke cigarettes

And finally one day. I just like fucking, you know, I was watching comics And I noticed that even Josh Wolf a lot of guys dug stand up a lot of guys Would smoke before they went on stage And I asked them, why do you smoke before you get on stage and they were like, well It takes care of the nerves. I go really cuz I used to be fucking nervous like we all are which are butterflies So I picked up a fucking cigarette as much as I hated And it was one of the worst habits I ever picked up never mind Yeah, but a plan of Sam and the other problems I had cocaine. I'll tell you man cigarettes are fucking hard

cigarettes are fucking hard So I started smoking cigarettes and I went from I would buy a pack at night And then as I was going home, I would give them away But then I also enjoyed the if you do coke. Oh my god cigarettes are fucking the shit when you do coke That's the shit. You just burn through those fucking cigarettes That's why I was saying the other day with the Doug Stanhope podcast when I used to see Steve Oh get two cartons of cigarettes when I was going home with an eight ball or a gram or two I'd get like two packs of cigarettes, maybe three by two get one free that type of shit

That's how but I would I was smoking you could ask anybody Josh Wolf. I could smoke two packs of fucking day I wasn't smoking casually to talk smoking two packs a day that started in 1997 When I got together with my wife, she smoked and I smoked so it was not a bad It wasn't a good fucking combination and she was smoking Marlboro lights 100. Are you fucking crazy? My wife is a fucking savage and I was smoking camel lights But then I got to the point where I would smoke whatever and this is how I quit

I just between the reefer, you know, that's why you hear that fucking wheezing in my lungs. It's not bro My lungs are fucking tanks. They've been through hell You have no idea what my lungs have been through if I could pet them I would if I can do something for my lungs. I fucking would my lungs have been through hell They have been through hell. They deserve all the love in the world I think about my lungs all the fucking time and I rubbed my chest and I tell them thank you because when I smoked I smoked when I snorted I snorted my poor lungs have been through fucking hell They have been through hell this last time when I did this fucking surgery

I did a Chess X-ray and then he goes your lungs look pretty good. I go no emphysema. She goes none I'm from what I'm saying. I'm like fuck like eight years ago. I had emphysema. So Me cutting down on the weed since I got back here and all this shit has helped a lot I sound a lot better than I'm a lot happier But let me tell you how I quit smoking a lot of people don't know this is the technique Uncle Joey decided to use because I didn't think that I tried the patch and it made me dizzy I tried the pill there's a pill you could take and it fucks you up by the mentally

You know, I'd be at the comedy store thinking I was a fucking Juggler and shit. It just the pill made you fucking crazy. I don't know what it's called I don't want to know chantrum whatever the shantex. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know So this is how I quit smoking. I said fuck this. I got an eight ball and I went home and I brought one cigarette upstairs That's it And I snorted for like three fucking hours dying for a cigarette because anybody who snorts coke knows If you don't have a cigarette, you lose your fucking mind on cocaine

Same thing with drinking there's people like to drink Because they smoke So I was like listen the only way I'm gonna quit smoking Is I got a fucking torture myself. This is the type of guy I am I'm Don't I break myself that there's a certain discipline you have to have as a man that you have to look at yourself and go You know what? I'm gonna torture myself. So I went home. I got an eight ball of coke I took one cigarette upstairs and I threw away my wife's cigarettes out the window. She had quit already She had quit already. She had quit

There was like an emergency pack I threw him out the fucking window we lived on the third floor in Hollywood I got this eight ball my wife was sleeping and I started snorting at 11. I had one cigarette Finally at three o'clock I broke and I smoked that cigarette and I had another four hours of snorting Before I get another cigarette, but I knew one thing if I could go the whole night without a fucking cigarette like four or five hours That's the strength of a thousand fucking That's the strongest shit once I realized I could go I could snort coke without smoking cigarettes I was good to go and I'll never forget the first night that I did it after that night Like I still remember waking up and having a call from Ralph humane and him picking me up

And I knew he wanted to smoke reef and I was a little bit on the fucking weak side And I listen if you smoke weed, you know that when you smoke weed if you smoke cigarettes There's nothing better than smoking a joint and follow one of Marlboro light. Oh With a cup of coffee who's better than fucking you on a Monday morning You're right You were sitting there with a fucking joint and a cup of coffee then you blast out a cigarette. Oh It feels fucking tremendous. I didn't think you know, you're like I was saying on Joe Diaz project this morning yesterday on patreon I was talking about fucking

You have to it all starts with your mind like your mind has to see it You ever ask you like when I quit cocaine, I couldn't see myself quitting fucking cocaine Couldn't see it until one day. I could see it and then it happened With cigarettes like I got sick and tired of stinking like cigarettes. I got sick I just got sick and tired of always having to have a fucking cigarette around me And I had to go outside once my wife quit smoking I couldn't smoke in the fucking house and I just know that you know when you weigh 400 fucking pounds It's not good for when I was doing the longest shot. I was smoking

Three fucking packs a day. No wonder I was four hundred and eighteen fucking pounds For four packs a day and that kid Lobo Sabastian in the movie. He was getting a free cigarette from Marlboro So he was giving me fucking cases Marlboro was just swinging by and going, you know Just mentioning us in the movie or whatever. It was fucking amazing. I was taking home all these fucking cigarettes I was four hundred fucking pounds. How much time are you gonna last being four hundred fucking pounds smoking cigarettes? So I said fucking I'm gonna fucking stop one thing at a time one thing I you know, everybody wants to quit everything on at once. I'm gonna go on a diet. I'm gonna quit smoking cigarettes It's not gonna work out somewhere along the line

It's gonna fucking fall apart on you because you can't control that many things I just focused on not smoking and I still remember Ralphie May picking me up and that's being behind Alcum Padre Smoking a fucking number and I still remember going fuck. I need a fucking cigarette now And I held it off pretty soon. It was day number one day number two Day number three and that's when I picked up Nicotine gum so nicotine gum helped me in a way. It was a lot better than a fucking patch I don't know why I'm telling you this fucking story, but I figured I'd tell you the story anyway If you're looking to quit smoking, I mean, this is the way to do it

I forced myself with the fucking eight ball just because I knew it and you know it You know if you do blow or you drink said there's some people that once they quit smoking they quit drinking Because they don't find the enjoyment no more, you know, it goes hand and fucking hand and I understand it But anyway, that's it. We'll just talk about that and leave it at that. I had a nice fucking weekend this weekend guys. I really You know man, I'm You look at me you go Joey you're looking way better. You're thinking clear of my eyes are clear I don't look like I'm fucking You know happen a bag all day

I got the weight of life lifted off me and I got to Become a regular person again. You don't know how nice that is To just be a regular person for people not to fucking want pictures Just for people to treat you regular after a while. It was just you know, we went through an overwhelming period I'm not a fucking cry baby. Maybe I'm not, you know, it was just overwhelming as a comic When I moved that's what the relief is, you know, but my weekends have been getting a Lot better than they were You know, I'm gonna do these four shows left and then

I'm just gonna search for whatever Joey Diaz wants to do Joey Diaz doesn't know what his next step is. I know that The three chapters are finished for the book So my agent asked for an outline And tomorrow I'm gonna talk to my partner in crime Erica and we'll have a subtle outline So the wheels are moving guys Just because I'm not doing stand-up doesn't mean that I'm not fucking working, you know It doesn't mean that I'm not right and it doesn't mean that I'm not doing a podcast I even released a Spanish fucking podcast this week. It's God awful. I released it on patreon

My Spanish is fucking horrendous, but you know what man? It's time to get out of my comfort zone and try different fucking things You know, I'm getting I'm at the 70 30 mark right now with my messages Whether it's Facebook, Twitter, Patreon. I'm 70 30. What does that mean? 70% of the people are doing great 30% of people are fucking struggling and I'll tell you I'm one of those, you know, I'm one of those people I'm in that percentage group But I could tell you that I was a lot worse when I got off the plane in August What made it good was in re-enjoying life

Re-finding what brought me pleasure. It wasn't just comedy. It just wasn't doing a podcast My life was just it ran away from me sometimes, you know Thank God it didn't run away from me on drugs and shit I thought it just life was moving too fast for me and for a lot of other comics. I've spoken to a Couple comedians the last fucking few weeks and they've all said the same thing to me that bro The amount of work we were doing was You know in the old days comics went out Tuesday through Sunday, but you knew where you stood now You have podcast you have to be a guest on podcast and you have to fucking to work

So we were working triple time of what we are usually comic does and this is this isn't from my mouth This is from other comics that were like, you know, we felt we had to keep up with Tom Segura Like we all felt we had to keep up with that speed and now all of us are fucking sit there laying there going What the fuck is our next move? So you think you think about, you know So for me, I have to get out on the weekends. I have to do something else I have to do something completely different and for me. I found refuge in my friends. I I Think that if you're going through something right now, I

Get it I understand it, but you got to reach out to your friends I mean therapy is therapy if you need to see a therapist But before you get out of control and go see a therapist. I think you're friends for me, man Listen, I wasn't having a bad week last week. I had a great week last week. I'm off the fucking pain pills That was number one thing You know, I'm I'm I'm moving forward. It may not seem to it to me sometimes I'm a little hard on myself, but I'm moving forward. I'm doing things

I never did before We're at the two even month mark from the surgery from the knee. I'm walking better I do not trust it. You know last week Sam Tripoli was in town at the at the dojo comedy I love Sam. I was supposed to drive out with Jimmy Florentine on Thursday night Jimmy Florentine's son had a game so he couldn't go Thursday night Friday my wife was already had a dinner date. She was going out with her girlfriends and Saturday is our night here. We do honeymoon is white castle, you know, we do all that stuff We do all on the family. I let my wife my daughter watch all in the family the other day

He said something she it was like a racist term and she didn't know what it meant Don't you don't need to know don't need to fucking know but every Saturday is the same thing here We watch bunked and Jesse on Disney and then at 9 30 we throw on the 9 o'clock We throw on all in the family and at 9 30 we throw on the honeymoon. So Saturday. I was gonna go Saturday night. I go, you know what? I got to see Sam Tripoli Fucking I called my my I was at a friend's house Friday and I called my buddy up my buddy called me up George out of the blue From F&D frame and he calls me up and he's like I just got hit by a guy on a bike Now George is my brother, but he's got a fucking weird sense of humor and I love him to death

When he told me I hit by a bike and I landed on my ass. I'm like, what are you? You know, what are you talking about? I was involved in the conversation, but I saw it was my brother calling I don't you know, I don't want him to think he got mugged So I excused myself for a second. I go, what's going on? He goes, you're not gonna believe it I just got hit by a fucking guy on a bike. I go, where he goes in front of my business. I landed on my ass I go, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you okay? He goes, yeah Let me call you back when I get home. So I never thought about it. I didn't call him back Friday night You know, I was busy with my daughter blah blah blah

Saturday I call him and I go, hey man I need a big favor from you because Guys, I can't drive at night. I live in the fucking sticks. There's no streets. There's fucking deer is everywhere The the highways I could see but once I get off the highways and get on those numbered fucking things I can't fucking see I called him up. I called george. Good george. What are you doing? You're busy. He goes I'm just recovering That fucking bike hit me so hard. I didn't even go to work today. I'm fucking hurting. I'm like, what are you talking about? And he goes, yeah, I fucking flew up in the air when I got hit with the bike

I just flew in the fucking air and landed And I go, what are you talking about? And he goes, yeah, the guy hit me apologize He was a nice guy and stuff But george went flying so george is like, I'm not going out. So I was like, you know what my wife wasn't Drive me to whatever. We didn't have a baby said I can't get a baby. So they're just on the drop of a fucking dime So I miss sam, you know, I felt terrible about it. I felt fucking terrible about it. But in the other hand I'm a it's a it's a different life. I'm living right now

Right now I couldn't imagine going somewhere and getting coveted For a reason that I shouldn't be there Do you know what I'm saying? Like I like and if I would have known I would have just gone out in the daytime and done lunch with him That would that would have been my easiest fucking bet. So my apologies to sam triply That didn't go support him. I love him to death He's my brother. I just I just don't have it no more

You know, I got obligations at the house now. I'm a different fucking man And uh, that's what's going on in my world, you know sunday I went down to my brother came up the one whose wife died I went down to see him in thomas river From 11 30 to 230 in the fact that their family took me in And then from there I went to bobby's house and I hung out over there in jackson For about three hours of my my wife and their dog and you know Their mother-in-law lives with them and mercy and the mother-in-law gets get along great. So

This is the same lady. I hit on 40 years ago before my mother died I hit on fey at the fucking park now She's my daughter's favorite fuck. She's like a fucking standing grandmother here in new jersey But on the way back it was interesting because my wife was like, you know I could see the change in you I go, what are you talking about? She goes when you were talking with mike I could see Your guys 40 years you could see the 40 years

When you were talking to bobby, I could see the 40-year friendship, you know And he goes but you were mike. I like fucking fricking frack You guys are on your own fucking language. You you get up at the same time. You know exact I mean me and him were brothers, you know So I got to see him but my wife always The reason why i'm with my wife is because she My wife is in street heavy

But every once in a while she says something to me to blow me the fuck away You know every fucking three weeks. She'll say something to me an observation that she makes with me That i'm like fuck, you know I didn't even see that, you know, like she she saw that So she's like, you don't know how lucky you are. I wish I had that I have that with my sister But I don't have that with any friends. I go, you know It's tough to explain to people. I mean, I'm as confused you guys when I say my brothers Because I tell you I have no family. I keep saying my brothers. They're my brothers

I don't know how god made it. You know how mary got pregnant. Remember how mary Jesus's mother was like the immaculate conception. Nobody fucked like nobody fucked Like my mother didn't fuck nobody for me to be brothers with these people But the way god or life or the universe made it happen. They're my brothers Bobby's my brother fucking, uh, you know Mike is my brother his brother steve Is coming over for some reefer later. He's my fucking brother, you know, I mean

I have 10 people jimmy labrano, george. I mean these guys Are like blood to me. I look at their fucking eyeballs and I know what their next move is going to be You know, I found out this weekend after six months. Why I moved here The reason why I moved here was this weekend for weekends like this one, you know to just go out and explore and My daughter and wife saturday were gone till fucking nine o'clock at night I was here alone till nine o'clock. I mean I did that. I did a bunch of shit

I did I had to do I went to the gym. I got together with mike. We dicked around a little bit You know, but I she was gone till nine o'clock Most husband will be paid. I was like You're having the time of your fucking life They weren't doing this in california. Nobody was inviting us over play dates unless they wanted something from me You know I'm saying like people don't write his own next thing, you know, hey, can you talk about this on the podcast? Let me get the fuck out of here. That's why you invited my kid over here. Nobody gives a fuck Nobody gives a fuck who the fuck I am or who the fuck i'm trying to be nobody gives a fuck

I want to talk to you guys about fucking something. I don't know if I told you I got my first fucking guitar lesson monday At 5 30 at zoom jimmy page. Look out cocksucker. I'm coming to let your hands on fire you fuck I'm going up to fucking seattle and cutting jimmy hendrix fingers. Somebody already did that don't somebody did that That's why they had to separate jimmy hendrix and bruce leece. I don't know. I don't know the whole fucking story I took my first guitar lesson. Listen. I did it on zoom You know, I do all my stuff. It stays to sound Or sound to stage. I don't know what I'm backwards or forward. That's why I do my ads for spotify and all that stuff

and uh I they I found out they did lessons there like the piano lessons my Mercy's friend the coal has piano lessons over there and she called mercy. She goes the guy over here knows your dad So my wife was like, yeah, joe goes down and do his ads and stuff like that So when I had to go read the ads last week For rogan, I fucking talked to the guy and I go you do guitar lessons out. He goes. Yeah He goes what type of guitar do you want to learn? I go well My buddy, I thought that you start on a kind of classical guitar

But he gave me the fucking best guitar in the world some fucking stratocaster deluxe or something So I go, I don't know and he goes. Yeah, you fucking people learn on the fucking electric guitar all the time He goes, I got the perfect guy goes give me your influences and I told him, you know, I love david gilmore I love page. I love this guy. I love so many fucking guitars. You know, I love tomorello You know, it's so hard to land the style, you know, the today I opened up yesterday I opened up a rock lobster on patreon. I love that guitar at the end of rock laps that little heroin addict Could fuck that guitar up like it was nobody business rest his soul I think he died after the second hour, but listen to the beginning of your own private, Idaho

Like if you listen to the chords on the beginning of the own private, Idaho Jesus christ that fucking guy didn't fuck around there's live footage right now on youtube of rock lobster like them in a bar from 79 Watch that shit. Watch that motherfucking guitar player. He shreds another guy. I like that a lot of people don't ever talk about his little fucking midget from fucking the cause Oh shit He's from strong island some little guitar player the guy does the leads on candy. Oh and all that shit that guy don't Fuck around. I forget what his name is. One of you guys will tweet it to me. I love that shit

I fucking you know my my my influences rage from Clapton the racist A couple weeks ago, you people are all mad at Clapton because in 73 he said some racist shit I he was on heroin What the he was in love with fucking George Harrison's wife give him a break You know i'm saying can you imagine being in love with somebody else's wife? You hate everybody arabs Spanish people black people you don't give a fuck. Yeah, you're in love with somebody else's wife You know, I love Clapton. I love page. I love fucking Gilmore I love iomi, you know angus forget about it, you know

The other day I was trying I was listening to let that be rock I was trying to learn the chords to overdose by myself. Oh my god I almost overdosed on pain. It was so fucking horrible I was because Mike and everybody's like, oh, you can look teach yourself how to play the guitar Just put like an almond whatever and i'm on youtube. So I said fuck all this shit I'm just gonna get a fucking zoom lesson And I learned a couple things I learned like ping ping ping. So it's just on the bottom The g chord and I play and I play that so last time I did my fucking exercise

My wife went to bed and I came back in did my little thing today Mike's got to tell me how to hook up the fucking amp Pull my lesson tomorrow because he wants me to have my fucking amp and i'm off from running for you Motherfuckers who sent me emails on facebook that said I sucked God bless you. God bless you God bless you. You're cooking with all fucking measures here. I just took my first guitar lesson I expect to suck for the next three fucking years. How's that one for you? So if you thought I was trying to be jimmy page, it was a joke

Do you guys know the difference between a joke and a fucking, you know, I'm no guitar player I'm barely a fucking comedian. I'm barely walking and chewing gum at this fucking same time And you people put me down some guy that just woke up on a bad fucking day Saw a video of me playing the guitar and fucking facebook me that i'm terrible I don't know what i'm doing. No shit Sherlock. You just fucking notice that you're that you're a fucking genius for noticing that It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing that listen, I get it. You're waiting for unemployment Your job furloughed you Somebody close to your past from covid

You know, these are frustrating times But fucking lashing out at people That's just not it's not cool right now. We have enough fucking problems going on We have Oh, well, megan markley said that the kids are pale. I don't give a fuck people are dying of fucking covid Was that something about the kids being pale? She doesn't want the color of the piano The british people somebody in the family said something to them about Oh, are you worried about how the shade or the color of your child?

That was ugly motherfucking that listen for fucking a prince family or king or whatever the fuck they are They're the ugliest white people. I've seen in a long time. I haven't seen ugly people like that since I went to mounak in new jersey They're fucking pale. They got problems the one prime minute. They're the ugliest the old lady. I don't know what the fuck Listen, you know what? I stay out of that shit. I don't it's got nothing to do with uncle joe I got enough just walking around trying to be a fucking dad Now I got to worry about megan fucking marklin what she's fucking doing Who gives a fuck at the end of the week? I just give a fuck about this circle right here. I give a fuck about mike

I give a fuck about you people I give a fuck about your lives if you're healthy if you're hungry if you're eating If you're fucking down if you're happy whatever that's what I give a fuck about the people in my fucking immediate circle I could help them people in england. Well, I can welcome. What am I gonna do? I can't even send a shirt to great britain. Did you know that? Yeah, there's a fucking new tax. You got to go around so I can't send merch to fucking great britain now I don't know what's going on over there, but me, you know me. I mind my business. I keep pushing As far as the spanish podcast, this is my plans

I'm gonna lay it down on patreon for a few weeks I'm gonna talk about music and shit like that introduce a little music Just for a few weeks and then i'm going mainstream with the spanish podcast. I'm gonna have zooming guests That speaks spanish, you know, whatever controversial guess whatever you know It's funny I was sitting for three weeks trying to ponder how's i'll do this podcast in spanish

And again, I went back to joey d is this faggy side, you know We all have the our faggy side of us. No disrespect to nobody We all have our little fucking side that procrastinates everything, you know, you're not special We all have it including me, you know, it's not procrastination Is that I don't want to fail Nobody wants to fail But you know what if you don't fail, you're not gonna fucking learn anything So for three weeks, I was fucking sitting there

You know, how am I gonna do this latin podcast with borba spanish podcast? I really want to do it My spanish isn't up to par. I understand that But I don't give a fuck So yesterday morning monday morning, I woke up I had to go to pt and I got up early, you know, I kissed the baby to go to school But she goes out to the front. I watched till the bus comes. I came back in and I go, you know what today's the fucking day No more procrastination. No more thinking No, that's the problem is we overthink everything and i'm included. I raised my hand. I'm guilty of that shit, too

You try to overthink especially now when you have nothing else to go through your mind You overthink everything to the last detail to the point of You get scared. It's natural. It's it's whatever me. I got up I was fucking uh monday. I got up in the morning I we did the podcast whatever mercy And i've been reading again I told you that for me to get mentally strong and for me to help right I knew I had a read

So jimmy forantin gave me the biography. I read that first Erica gave me her book. I read that first my comprehension levels were horrible You know when poor mic mic is the saint and he's trying to teach me the guitar and I can't comprehend it Because he's my friend. I can't comprehend what he's saying to me. I gotta have i'm very anal when it comes to that Like I could you know, like my cousin just called before I like to Jiu-jitsu I wanted to learn jiu-jitsu You know what you go down there. You want to learn a little actually you got a private

Whatever but i'm the type of guy I want to learn from a professional like when I lift weights, you know, I have somebody there with me. I do semi-private Uh training, you know why because I want somebody to watch me. I'm not a weightlifter I don't know what the fuck i'm doing when I when I was a kid. Yeah I did five six six six behind the neck bent over rows one arm crack all that shit And what happened on my shoulders all fucked up. I can't raise my shoulders up. I've been working on that I've been doing functional training But if i'm not an expert in something

You know a lot of people do their own thing me I know i'm a fucking idiot. Okay before we even get this conversation started I know me and I know what I could do. I know what I can't do and there's nothing wrong with having shortcomings We all have fucking shortcomings, but one shortcoming. I don't have that pisses me off Is that I procrastinate but I do have fucking balls Like that's the only thing that pisses me off sometimes that I catch myself procrastinating something and it can be anything

Wednesdays when I wake up and I got to go do comedy. I procrastinate it. It's just something natural And then I think about my balls and I go what the fuck You know, I just got to read this to you just a an excerpt from a book I thought it was very interesting to me To read this. I thought this was great This is from the book the corporation I picked this up just because I had read it before It's a great book

but I read this and it really really made me think about Me and this is why I started the podcast You know, this goes back to the move this goes back to fucking everything One thing that could be said and often was about jose Miguel battle was that he had big balls Cajones and latin culture it is important It as in most patriarchal societies being noted for having big balls Was a metaphor for courage and the highest form of praise

Machismo is the logical manifestation of the philosophy The belief that all life originates with the male organ and the precious seed that is after all Conjured from within the testicles big balls can outpower because a person with big balls is a person without fear That's an excerpt from the corporation and I kept it I even fucking kept the card in there. I kept reading Because I wanted to read that to you

The meatballs is everything When you you see me get up in the morning and I write that thing And you're like he keeps talking about balls and assholes and and grab your balls is because in my society Balls are fucking everything from a cuban standpoint. If you don't have fucking balls It's not going to work out for you. You understand me It starts with your fucking balls It connects with your fucking brains and then you make your fucking move and that's it and that's fucking out That's that's fucking easy

But it all starts with balls and you got to grow pair from time to time and trust me It took me a long fucking time to have balls because people I could continue reading that it also said that having balls means Sometimes that you're not that intelligent And that's where I come in. I'm not that intelligent. I never sat across from you and told you I'm intelligent I have told you one thing. I got the fucking balls to back up Whatever the fuck I tell you and I'll back it up 150. Whether it's my comedy whatever when I beat myself up

It's because I sucked It's not because you know, I don't like to lie to myself. I I'm straight up with myself So when I read that I got so fucking pissed off. I'm like, that's absolutely right My culture is about fucking balls Look go on it You got to grab your fucking bingo and go out there and sling fucking dick and I'll keep saying when I read that I stopped in my fucking tracks because it's true. I've eliminated the machismo shift from my life When I was a kid when I was like 18 19

I had that cuba machismo And I realized it wasn't going nowhere that jealousy All those those are fucking weaknesses to me. They were You know, uh, you know, you get jealous with girls You get all that shit I had to remove from my life because I knew it wouldn't work And that takes fucking balls to do that shit It just won't fucking work, man and that's why

listen Everybody knows and that's what everybody will fucking tell you. I'm not that fucking smart I'm not that fucking good looking. I'm not the fucking keenest guy in the world But when it comes to balls, I'm right there with the fucking best of them. I don't give a fuck Yeah, I don't like needles, but some people don't like but I know guys that have bigger balls than me and say to me I don't know how you do what you do But I have a friend that is fucking deadly deadly as a human being deadly. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? When I talk to this guy, he reminds me once a month about

how he has He'd rather die than go up on stage It's a scary thing. I've offered him like Five grand to do a guess at just one minute go up there and just do a A fucking joke like I told him when I did like theaters and shit I go come over to new york and you have to conquer that fee and he's like fuck you That's one fear. I don't want to conquer this guy has killed before this guy has done 20 years in fucking jail

You know, he just got out maybe eight years ago and we became friends again. You know, I've known him From grammar school. Listen His biggest fucking fear this guy stabbed people. He's put guns in people's mouths and shit He doesn't give up Frenchman's fuck. He's told me things that have made me fucking cringe But his biggest fear he goes. I don't know how you do it He goes you doing that made me love you even more He goes when I watch you and those fucking comedy central things. I'm sweating for you He's see he's like i'm up there sweating for you because I don't know how the fuck you do it

He'll stab 10 10 guys He'll shoot 10 guys, but he won't go. He says he's even embarrassed to talk in a group at the table I I felt that before but People get embarrassed people just don't like it. Some people just don't like it We all don't what makes the world go around is that we all don't like the same thing Can you imagine if all of us were the fucking same? I think a guy left patreon a couple weeks ago And I know i'm gonna say this and you guys are not gonna be happy with it He asked me what my favorite bill Murray is that his name?

Movie was I told him right now I go i'm not a big bill Murray guy He was like, how can you be a comedian not be a big bill Murray guy go dog? Everything's not for everything. I'm a big Harold ramus guy. I loved fucking Bill Murray and stripes, you know, I didn't like ghost buses I walked out of ghost buses with the dude who stabbed 20 guys that did 20 years I went to see ghost buses. I used to go to movies with him. We used to go to movies all the time Charles Bronson movies

We were fans, you know, he's not from north bergen. He's when he lived in fort lee But this guy just got out of fucking doing time We used to go to movies all the time and we had this We used to go to movies and concerts together And we both had the exact taste to the shit Me and him would go to a movie And also we just look at ourselves And go, let's get the fuck out of here. We walked out a twisted sister

We walked out of ghost buses We walked out of 20 fucking things together and we just go home I remember one time I gave him a head ass and he went home. I go what he goes I'll never do that again. Yeah, cuz you went home Who the fuck goes home on a hit of fucking acid to look at your mother and father? That's fucking humiliating You should have stayed out with me and walked around and gone to the park and thrown bottles of people anything But you don't fucking go home on a hit of acid. Anyway, that's the way life works. It's

Yeah, you're gonna go home and fucking look at the walls and shit the first time you do ask You need to be around three or four people And you know talk and fucking walk or whatever the fuck you're doing listen to music But you just can't fucking go home and sit and stare at your fucking your parents. You're fucking lose your mind I have a hard time just getting high with my wife in the fucking house I go outside to get high come back in they look at you like you're fucking johnny creepo So And that's just fucking weak. Can you imagine on acid period is looking at you? You're all fucking your eyes are glowy

I remember one time we did fucking ketamine in the fucking office. I'm not gonna tell you what that's the only time We're fucking for the guy who had the secret tape of us doing blow from 2006 I've got undercover footage of joey d's doing blow. No, we never did blow and that's lee We never did fucking blow we had blow in the office But we gave it away to people who I had a guy that dropped off a package from time to time And would say here take this I don't do it no more and there was a picture of lia I would hide it behind lee's picture. So if the cops came they thought it was lee's There was a picture of me and a picture of lee behind the door

So they had a ledge to like it was like an artist's drawer So I would take the fucking picture and put the package there and then when somebody were coming that did coke I'd ask him you want some blow no really? Yeah Boom and they fucking take it but one time a guest came And they brought some fucking ketamine. I was like what the fuck And I did like two or three lines lee did like two or three lines And then he left it behind like he took a baggie with him But he left like a half a gram on the fucking table

And you know me dog All habits die hard. I'm like lee what we gonna do with this? We just can't put it in the package You know, you just can't put it away because there's gonna be a wanton us. Let's just fucking finish it Now the first two or three lines weren't that fucking bad. I gotta be honest for you. They weren't bad at all It was when we split that a little pile up me and lee It was like nine o'clock at night We split that little fucking pile And I thought nothing was gonna happen. We had an edible in us. We had a bunch of shit in us

And dog after I did that line. I got up to pee and I was like, oh shit I am fucked up So I went in I peeed I washed my hands. I got my fucking bag. Oh, I gotta get the fuck out of it He's like, where you going? I gotta get the fuck out of here I went downstairs. I got my fucking car and at the light all out of drivers to a light make a left go down past one light and I was home So I'm like you would never fucking see cops and I would you know

I didn't have any alcohol in my breath. So I was fine, you know, unless he looked at my eyes and they were pinned I get in the fucking car on this fucking ketamine And I make that left turn at the first light. It's cofax and I go I'm on channel and I'm making a left on the cofax And as I'm making a left around it felt like I was in a fucking at a amusement park Wee like I like I made the fucking left. I'm like, wee I'm like Uncle joey's fucked up on this ketamine. Then at the next light was where yum yum doughnuts was. I'm sitting there at magnolia

And I'm looking at yum yum doughnuts and shit. I'm like, what the fuck the sign was starting to wave And I'm like joey you're fucked up I get to my block. I make the fucking left I pull up in the driveway when I take my left foot to land on the floor I open up the side door the passenger the driver's side door to get out of the car And when I put my foot on the fucking door On the floor, I could feel it creeping Unless the drug was in full effect. I'm like, oh my god. I'm fucked up

I walked in now to all the nights. Usually when I get home at night, my wife's out Very seldom with that fucking living room tv beyond It was like of 10 30 on a sunday night. I'm figuring my wife is out She's passed out. We we got the the scary thing was we got to the office. I got four the podcast was like at four And we got so fucking high We stayed there till like fucking 9 30 10 o'clock The podcast finished like at seven We were just so fucking high talking back and forth all three of us and the guests left

And then we had that pile on and we did it when I fucking walked in the house I opened up that door and I seen the tv was on I fucking shit my pants. Oh my god. Damn it. Now. I gotta face my wife And that somebody have a hard time facing when I'm fucked up So I I hardly I'm home. I got you know, she said, yeah, I could I could hear you I went into my fucking office and I'm sitting in the office I got like a hooded sweatshirt like a hoodie a t-shirt on whatever

And I'm like boy, it's getting fucking hot in here. I'm like, whoo It's getting fucking hot in here. I take the fucking hoodie off And do you believe it's still fucking hot in here? I'm like, whoo That's too fucking hot in here And then I took my t-shirt off. I'm down to just titties now sitting by myself in front of the computer screen Something I don't like doing I don't sit in front of the computer screen with my top off because I got that camera on me So somebody could be watching me with my fucking shirt off from my tits out. I don't need that in my life So I'm like, I'm gonna get off this. I shut the computer down

And I just sat at my desk getting higher and higher the edibles and the ketamine We're fucking I think ketamine is like an animal tranquilizer The guy who gave it to us told us that they They tried it on experiments that too. That's another drug that they're working on ptsd and And different fucking forms of brain fucking things. They're using ketamine also So he said it's good. They give it to retarded people. I don't know what the fuck he meant I know for a fact. I was fucking retarded at the end of the night I was sitting there fucked up and I'm like, I gotta tell you something

I better go out there and sit with my wife before she comes in here and sees what's going on So I put my t-shirt on And I went out to the living room and I sat with her. She was watching true detective That I don't know. I think that's what it's called on hbl. This had to be two three years ago She's watching true detective and I'm sitting there next to I'm like, hi And I just sit there and she's not even looking at me But I'm watching this tv and I'm getting fucked up And it was I forgave was the guy from blade the guy that played the head vampire in blade

It was his season and the african-american guy that was in the green book And I was looking at the african-american guy That was the green book and his head kept getting square Like for some reason I'm watching the tv and this brother's head is going from being a regular fucking head To like a box like it got square and I'm looking at this and I'm looking at my wife And I'm looking at this and I'm looking at my wife. I'm like, oh my god This brother's head is getting square or I'm seeing a fucking square Oh my god

And finally I started freaking out and my wife is looking at me and I'm sweating profusiously I'm trying to cover my face with them trying to just like wipe it with the fucking thing I'm sweating there and finally his head got so fucking square. I couldn't take it no more and I go honey You gotta fucking change this and she looked at me. She goes fine changing. What's what's a big deal? I mean, you gotta fucking change it. That's it and she goes, okay fine She got up and went to the other room to watch it. I'm just sitting there like fucking I switched the channel to some fucking channel just to sit there. I was so fucked up I didn't tell her that night that I did it. I told her like the next day I did some ketamine

I was fucked. She's like, I'll hold you. What the fuck is wrong with you? I was so fucked up From that ketamine. She went in. I think I sat there for another hour I came down and that was the end of the night. It wasn't that bad of a drug. It didn't fucking kill me or nothing I never did it again. I'll tell you that much. I don't even want to be that fucked up I don't want to be that fucked up ever again ever since I moved here. I made the move I can't handle a lot of shit no more. I can't handle what I was doing in in LA like addables You don't see me eating those fucking things in the daytime the last time we were fucking around here one day Do you remember I sprayed a couple sprays in my mouth? Jesus

Two hours later. I wasn't fucking playing at mars. So My edible consumption is done. That shit is all done with I use edibles now to go to fucking sleep. I pop Three of those fucking edibles in a cup of tea at night that kick em out tea You don't even see me till the next day Sometimes I fall asleep on the fucking couch here lately. I've been making it upstairs because I don't want to fall Fall asleep in the couch. I have my wife come down and get me. That's a fucking nightmare But anyway, it's been a great fucking week, man, and I'm happy you guys are still supporting me I'm happy you're still a part of the fucking joint, you know, I'm having my struggles

But I'm pushing fucking through guys. This is very hard for me to do But hey, we're trying our fucking best. So what I'm gonna mix it up a little bit I'm gonna try to do a zoom guy On monday's and then we'll have a little chat on fucking wednesdays Until we get the new office and then we'll fucking go full boat out Man without a plan is not a man at least I got a fucking plan And then the latin podcast the spanish podcast is also going to go mainstream Once I figure it out and I get my spanish down and whatnot

So we'll have two podcasts going one exclusively in spanish one exclusively in english the joint in english And a lot of this gotta got in spanish For you people who don't know what a lot of this gotta got means in spanish It means a fucking ear beating what I give you people every monday and wednesday and every thursday and friday on a fucking patreon There's a fucking ear beating of life. Some of yous enjoy it Some of yous like fuck you cock suck i'm making a pass, but hey If you hear, I love you and if you're not here, I still love you too. I don't give a fuck people gotta come and go I'm not the only game in town. I know that going in

So i'm appreciating you motherfuckers still watching the podcast Still supporting me and still being on patreon. You know, I got a kind note the other day That's kind I gotta go that must have been the scallops I had for lunch at the brown rice. I'm trying to be a little healthy, you know what i'm saying The other dollar this far is tremendous I just gotta wait for this fucking tremendous if you've noticed haven't been farting on the podcast as much You know somebody sent me an email the other day and there's very nice email

You know, I don't like to Based the podcast around emails when I do get an email. I'm like a fucking priest or a lawyer It's my business with I will never do if you send me an email and a lot of people on patreon Say this to me like hey man. I've never said this to nobody so When I address an email sometimes It's because I might see it on facebook or patreon or twitter or something like that But somebody sent me a very kind

note And they said that they had listened to the joint a couple times And they were a little disappointed They said i'm not gonna lie to you. I look first of all with me. I love honesty I fucking love honesty if you're Listen, there's a way to say things and there's a way not to say things You can't go up to somebody and say hey you suck

But you go up to somebody and say I disagree with what you're doing If you say correctly in the right way Unless you're dealing with a fucking Jack off They're not gonna come at you. It's like when I told the story about matt When we were talking about with Doug Stano, I told the story about matt Whatever his name is that came and gave me a talking to you know I took it wrong and at that time I was a jerk off

And yes, I walked to the train the bus station and then I walked back to fucking smack him but days later I came to my Wits about me. I was like the guy was right, you know, what's right? It's right, you know I love honesty a couple weeks ago some girl on patreon said listen I didn't up to tear I up to tear with a motive I wanted to talk to you about saying that calm and I go just come down uncle venny's and do a fucking spot I simplified her fucking life first because I never really whatever, you know, don't ask me for a spot

I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm just letting you know how I respond to different fucking people If you send me an email with honesty, I fuck my dick. It's hard. I don't I don't give a fuck if you put me down and go Joe you're too fucking fat That I've had people reach out to me and say some kind things to me. Hey man, you're slipping over here You're doing too many jobs. We had people that reached out to me on the podcast and and I accepted them And I didn't yell at them or go back at them. It's when you come at me Like a fucking jerk off that sure, you know, sometimes I go that person's having a bad day I won't even re-answer them. But sometimes I'll lash out. We all do, you know

You're doing something nice with your kid. You sit down You open up a message and somebody fucking attacking you for no fucking reason And saying a bunch of shit to you that shit kind doesn't piss me off. It just makes me feel sorry for you You know, like what the fuck are you thinking? But This guy wrote me a kind email and he was like listen, I've listened to you for 10 years I love everything that you do this podcast I listened to the first four episodes and it was kind of disappointing whatever to me whatever but

He goes I went And I took a breather. I listened to a few churches And I thought about it after watching the church is what you were doing You were trying to reinvent yourself and I didn't see it. That's why you don't smoke on the podcast That's why you never wear the white t-shirts on the podcast no more That's why you don't fall on the podcast no more. You come back as an older wiser You know, I learned I know the podcast came I'm a 10-year fucking veteran of it This isn't the best podcast out there. There's 20,000 better podcasts in it

But you're not gonna get somebody who is as honest and has the heart that I have And telling you a story or talking to you about a situation or anything like that. That's where my strength lies Some people don't like that some people Rather hear, you know non Whatever just a conversation. There's a lot of podcasts I do and I don't I don't get the point of them why I do them I really don't because It's just too too much. I want to get something from you know, I want to bang for my buck

You know when I listen to a podcast I want to laugh. I want to learn something, you know With the church we were doing and actually he said he goes you guys are doing drugs You guys are doing and he goes I kind of miss that But now I see what you're trying to do And he goes I'm happy that you didn't give up and I'm happy that you pushed forward And I'm happy that you're doing it, you know, and that's what it's all about. It's balls Keep sticking to your fucking plan and keep pushing This is weighing

Everybody down this has changed the game for everybody to read you ever turn on cbs blue bloods is on six days a fucking week Right fucking everything is on eight days a week. Have you noticed that? I mean, this is affected everybody What I'm trying to do here is just lighten your load for an hour and let you know that you're not going through this alone I'm going through this you could see it in my fucking face. I mean, yeah, I'm happy that I'm going through this But everybody's going through something. You're not going through this alone You don't need to turn yourself into the looney bin. You don't need to the best therapy is your friends Your friends are right in front of you reach out to your friends I've been reaching out and I felt a lot better. I've reached out to

All the comics that left la from theo to fucking josh wolf To burt. I mean, you know, I didn't know the cigar is moving to texas in a few weeks Reach out to your friends. They're the best therapy. They love you. They know you Don't not reach out to them because of what you're going through You don't need extensive therapy or whatever If you if the love of your friends can't help you out, then you turn to therapy But your friends are there for you. They should be there for you. That's what they're there for Tell them what you're going through. You know, I told I was honest of rich vast and jimmy florentine everybody

I told them man. I'm struggling with this. I don't want to go do comedy and big venues and shit like that Yeah, they get it. We go meet. We all wear masks. We go to lunch. Whatever, you know We're pushing through this Push through this don't give up. Don't let this situation Take you down We'll be back next monday for another fun fill week of podcasts and patreoning and facebooking and talking about my stinky balls Until then, I love you motherfuckers. Enjoy the ads And have a great week. Remember our uncle joey loves you and now to a word from our sponsors

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