Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #047 - THEO VON - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... Monday, March 15th..... Today, we talk to our friend THEO VON..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Manscaped & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheoVon #ThisPastWeekend Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

Greetings you cocksuckers. It's Monday, March 15th. I miss you little dirty bastards Anyway from the heart of Jersey the joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. I don't know if you're living in a fucking coma or you're hanging out with Ikeba crane The guy that went to sleep and woke up 40 years later with a beard. I think that's his name It don't matter the biggest college ball basketball tournament of the year is eating up the brackets came out yesterday Listen get your fucking hemorrhoid ass off that bench and get into the tournament action for four bucks on an underdog If they win you're up two hundred and sixty four dollars. Did you fucking hear me? That's sixty four to one odds That's fucking crazy. Who's gonna win? I don't fucking know you think you do all it takes is four bucks to get up winning

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It's Monday the 15th of fucking March. We're halfway through the goddamn month already Can you fucking believe that shit and I gotta tell you something? I'm wearing my little blue shirt and my fucking little light blue to bring happiness into your life, but I can't I got I gotta be honest with you people today. I'm a little low on a Monday I'm here for you guys always. You know, I'm a fucking animal. I'm always ready to rock, but I'm a little low today I'm very upset over the Jennifer Lopez J. Lo broke up with the bike Alex Rodriguez. It I just can't fucking believe they broke up. I was cheering for them. Are you people fucking retarded? I don't give a fuck that they broke up. She's just ate up another poor fucking soul. You know I'm saying she's eating a puff diddy

Fucking puff daddy's cousin Fucking Ben Affleck had to get a new wig fucking Alex Rodriguez. This bitch is a fuck listen I've been telling you for years. I love Puerto Rican people I love them to death to the closest thing to Cubans when they were I avoid Puerto Rican women like fucking The way you to fuck down Poor fucking Alex Rodriguez for months had to be fucking going make him believe he liked a new song Nobody likes that fucking shit. Can you imagine them playing that shit in your house? How do you like and then shit they start dancing to it lip-syncing to it?

And you have to sit there and put up with this shit. There's fucking marimba music. I don't My god, it's a fucking nightmare listen when I met Joe Rogan He had a whole no no pop no headshot policy And I'm like, but I you're not gonna date actresses. They're hot because you don't know what comes with them Let me tell you something Dave one of those actresses. You got your fucking hands full Everybody on Saturday was like J Lo and whatever broke up, but let me tell you some who gives a Frenchman fuck worry about your relationship That's all you got to worry about J Lo broke up with fucking a rod go They probably got fucking they probably could shoot steroids anymore together. That's how you think she keeps her ass

So fucking big and hot and juicy by fucking doing sit-ups. Yeah, you bought that fucking line cocksuckin She's doing duck at the roblin too, but anyway, it's great to be here on a Monday Fucking great weekend with the family again Fuck comedy. I ate a bag of dicks last Wednesday at Uncle Vinny's, but hey It happens you can't fucking walk there all the time and just think you're gonna sniff some nuts acts and get out of there Sometimes you got a squall of the whole soul the whole sword and take it like a fucking man There's nothing you could do about it. You know I'm saying Let me see what did I do? I did two guitar lessons this week

I've been practicing last night you cocksuckers and your fucking guitar advice You know, I got an addictive personality You know it and you're throwing videos at me and Joey do this and Joey listen to this fucking thing You guys are gonna fucking put me in a guitar fucking rehab People go to rehab for fucking cocaine and pills and reefer. I'm gonna be the only half a fag Playing like a ukulele for 10 minutes I have to wean off the guitar cuz you cocksuckers keep the I listen I'm just getting started the best thing about me getting started with this guitar is it's not like comedy

It's like anything else. I got no illusions of grandeur by the time I get good I won't even be able to fucking hold the fucking thing I'll be like the guitar player from Motley Crue. Have you heard anything about the Motley Crue ticket ticket toys? Remember they were gonna do that big tour with fucking poison all those people that shit ended Mick Mars is 60 going on 90. He said he can't even pick up the fucking guitar He's gonna have to have a little midget hold it for him while he struts fucking dr. Feel good You know I'm saying that you fucking crazy by the time I get any good. I'm gonna be fucking a hundred So relax. That's what's great about this. It's just a stress reliever for me

It's filled in the biggest void. I had in my heart nighttime My wife leaves me at 9 30 the baby goes to bed at 9. I sit down here. I got two options shoot heroin Fucking watch more fucking bad TV or fucking You know so I started reading my books I started fucking playing the guitar at night He gives me exercises. I learned that ready for this one You ready for this one? I learned the first three chords of back in black so I could play bang Bang on that bang on that now the dinner dinner dinner dinner. We'll save that for later. You know I'm saying That we'll save that for later, but the dad

Dan and I Dan and I could do I'm not gonna play it for you because it sounds like fucking something different But at least I'm half way there. That's all that matters. You gotta stick with it bitches Nothing happens on the fucking couch. Nothing except you might find a nickel on there from time to time and who needs a nickel I got to check the other day for 25 cents from some movie. I did 18 years ago, but I deposited fuck Yeah, you know I'm three quarters Jewish. I don't give a fuck. I'm not gonna sit here 25 cents gas is going up all of a sudden Fucking this guy becomes present. I move here. It's 202 2002 cents for gasoline, New Jersey. I just gotta go down a little bit down there. There's some people they look kind of weird

I think they they cut the gasoline 2002 cents it's 360 now all over I heard it's like five hours and fucking California who gives a fuck I don't live there anymore, but you know what? It's Monday rejoice the blue is back I'm back uncle Joey's back and as promised. I switched it up on you this week every Monday We're gonna have a guest and every Wednesday. It's just one-on-one So you don't think uncle Joey's fucking being a Gabon and give me never be a fucking earbeat. Hey, sometimes you might switch it around We might I might come on on Monday. We might have a guest on Wednesday, but for now it's been working out

This week I got one of my friends that I Have been a fan of his since about 2008. I Really got to know him at the store about 2013 and I Considered him a younger brother than me and I could see that For a couple years he had the world by the balls which and something wasn't right So I always made it a Point to keep in touch with him because I loved him dearly. He's got the heart of gold

He's from my home. He's from my one of my heroes hometown pistol Pete Marovich is one of the baddest white motherfuckers that ever lived behind Tom Brady and a couple other white motherfuckers that I love and I've always loved this kid the last week we were talking and We finally figured out what was eating away at us the last couple of years We were burnt out. We were just burnt out It's very rough to do what we do Especially when you want to be as good as you want we wanted to be you have to constantly have material Your mind is constantly in thought sometimes Mike would call me and say hey

Did you see this Mike? I don't even know that's existing because I'm too busy trying to write the tail end of this fucking joke you know he was one of the guys that was working alongside with me and I Don't give a fuck when anybody has to think I still think that Some of the best work. I can always tell you my best work. I think my special sucked I think the work I did for Ari was great. This is not happenings But looking back now today as a man I have to be proud of what we did with the church of what's happening now We did 880 episodes

400 of them probably sucked 200 of them were probably okay and 200 of them were spectacular. I Theo Vaughan made one of them spectacular because we all ate mushrooms And then he went and did sets and people didn't know he was on the mushrooms and they taped him and It was just a great podcast He told us about his adventure in New York with the cab and I fell in love with the kid naturally And then it became sober and he was struggling and listen man as comics

You have no idea what's on the other side of the mind of the comic for me I'm not gonna sit here and tell you it's depression and that bullshit. Do I look fucking depressed to you? I'm the happiest I've ever been but when you're in it you're in it And you don't know you're not really taking time to smell the roses in some way There's a disconnect and that's what happened with a lot of comics and that's why now you're gonna say a lot of comics That yeah, even though it's been a year. They're gonna take a little additional time off and really really Get to the root of the fucking matter So without further ado a little zoom on a Monday with my man Theo Vaughan. I hope you enjoy it

Tuck suckers. Hey, brother. How are you today, Michael? Oh shit, it's the Mac daddy of the Mac daddies Stop Joey mother fucking Theo Vaughan looking good I'm looking decent. Let's don't We got nice haircut and shit Let me see Oh, yeah, you're looking all young and shit the mullets gone I

Do it Where's Lee man, where'd you guys bury Lee? He's tough to bury you got to pick him up and throw him in the hole. I'm saying You just got to burn that body. That's it. Throw leaves some fucking gasoline and oh Fucking a net. Oh, I got a buddy that does in ground pools. We'll fucking find a spot for him, baby boy He's in Florida. He's doing great. Listen, the best thing that happened out of this podcast was that Lee Got to find himself Part of me doing what I did

Was moving and I could have brought Lee listen 78% of the people who live in this town have children under 18. Oh my god, man I got a file as you mean. No, they just have kids under 18 now Oh This ain't a fucking kid town Yeah, if Lee was sitting in his room on Studio City and Laurel Canyon and There was no action. Can you imagine out here with trees and deers and shit? No, so he's he went to Boston. He went to Milwaukee got a job helped the guy put together an app

He went to Boston for a month and helped his mom now. He's in Florida doing a great patreon He lost 51 pounds. Yeah Yeah, I watch him on his walk. Sometimes he'll do these walks, you know, and I'll watch him on there And I'll and I'll chime in and want to have fucking miles three miles a day and Listen when I was 21 I had a really good job. I was running numbers in the city. Yeah, and I was making 140 a day But I also knew that That was gonna come to an end one day. I

Was smart enough even then when I was all fucked up and coked up I knew that what happens when I'm 28 one day and I go for a job and they're like, what have you done the last 10 years? Well, I've been running numbers. So when you run numbers to see that you're running numbers to open up a bank a bank Eventually or you know, you're just gonna be a numbers runner all your fucking life And I had no money to open up a bank. So One day I picked up and left Because I knew I needed to fucking stretch my wings Do you know I'm saying like I need to find myself and prove it to myself that I could make it on my own

Oh, yeah, when I started the podcast with Lee, I thought he'd come to me five years later You know, look, I started this podcast this podcast. I Started a business consulting. I'm out of here. You know, I felt that Lee was just he just He got soft like I got soft. We both got soft, you know, we were caught in a fucking Carousel and blah blah blah and look at him now Yeah He's living his life now deal. He's making it happen. He realizes he's 32. He's got to get a piece of pussy But he's sooner. He's gonna bust. Oh, yeah

He needs a woman in his life These are all the things that I couldn't help him with that he needed to just find on his own That's what a man does they go on a journey They go fuck this shit, you know, I could sit here and Medford fucking Louisiana where you're from but I see Mike tasting different my waters from all over the world Yeah, a lot of good out there invention find out who the fuck the Elvon really is natural people need to do it once in a while Oh, yeah, sometimes you got to set down kind of what it's where you've been at it and go no

Yeah, like I remember I mean, yeah, like oh Cuz look for me man, Joey, I it was like you guys and fighter in the kids was There was only two podcasts and Rogan, you know and then um And then outside of that on YouTube it was just Kimbo slices just beating people up, you know I'm saying there was nobody else out There I remember, you know, except for funerals. I remember I used to be able to watch funerals online dude, they got these Like not Nairobi and but like Arabic funerals or something dude like six hours of fucking funeral footage on there

There's no audio, but it's still you know It's you know, but anyway, it's like um, yes I remember then it was like you guys were the only shows in town, man Dude the church bro going in there, man, you guys were dude, you remember the time so I come in I Good to see you today, man. I didn't realize I'm gonna see in your face was gonna make me so happy That's what I said to you. I go this is I've been doing this the last three Saturdays with different comics It's Saturday right now. We would have been in the fucking hotel room

Thinking about our lives thinking about the two shows tonight Drawing pictures of cocaine I used to draw pictures of cocaine on the fucking little pad by the bed with the pen You know how hard it is to draw cocaine, bro, you know what I'm saying? It doesn't even make any sense, but um But dude, I remember I came in while I came in one time to the church And in the beginning I said hey Lee, there's like a squeal or something There's like a high-pitched sound in the headphones. Can you you know, we just check and figure out what it is And so he's over there tankering and we get into the episode I think we got into a bag of mushrooms or something about three hours later. I

Hear the sound again, but I look over this time and it's literally Lee is unconscious like this. He's like Now he's making the sound in the headphones in the beginning it was like an actual Electronic audio deficiency and by the end man, he was just like a possum just play him fucking high, you know the fucking drug abuse the Almost took leader the vet one time I was leaving there. I said I got to take this guy to the fucking vet The hospital can't help this guy You have no idea that we grew As the edible era grew like we got into the podcast as edibles were fucking like for years

It was the lollipop and the bread strip And then we got on board and all these fucking places started coming up with little edibles And I'll never forget it started with a black and white cookie There was a company that made a black and white cookie that was 200 milligrams I would break it with Lee and tell him it was 15 milligrams And he would tell me this has to be stronger than 15 milligrams. I'm building his tolerance I'm taking chiba-chus out of the 170s and Putting 70 milligrams in that right I'm taking the 70 milligrams and taking them out and putting the 180s in that

And I would Mean it was like stealing I would Wrap it a certain way so he would know that I actually fucked with it Yeah, and he would go I don't want that one cuz you messed around with it Well, he actually was taking the one with the 180 in it because I folded it perfectly and crazy glued it and did the whole fucking thing I mean it was just Months and months that he thought he was to taking 10 milligrams and he was taking 2,000 milligrams And we were leaving there just fucking lit people have no idea

How many people walked out of that room at the end? I saw Ron White, I mean Sarah Tiara Theo Vaughn poor Owen Benjamin was walking and it's still fucking walking, you know It just it was just a fucking, you know Gabriel came up the first time for years Gabriel wouldn't come back on For years. He said he left and he couldn't stop eating turkey sandwiches. He said he went home He must ate 15 turkey sandwiches. It was just and it was fun while we did it because I had listened to you I felt this Rogan was always very intelligent

Bill Burr was witty. I Couldn't beat Mark Maron's interview and styles So for me to get up there. I had to do something from the outrageous. So I figured We'll go out there with my strength, which is fucking my tolerance And we'll smoke dope and we'll fucking eat edibles and we'll do ketamine and whatever a guest shows up with except fucking blow I'll do in that fucking studio, you know, and everyone we never did everyone on the podcast I remember one time I dropped the bud of pee of reefer In pee. I had it in my sweatshirt

And the bud the the canister fell out of my pocket And the buds two buds went into the pee and I took them out and saved them And I saved them there for like two months and I brought them in one night and I rolled them up in the joint and smoked them And he's like this pot got me really high tonight. I don't know what it is. I'm like, you know, this It I dipped it in fucking phc piss From the night before when my piss levels at the highest thz levels And that motherfucker crossed it on and then we smoked that number His eyes were ready. He's like, I can't taste the pee. I can't believe he made me taste the

There's no pee involved the pee disintegrated. It went right into the fucking bud It was too much it was just too much I'm up to listen when I When I decided to end that podcast it was one of the hardest days of my life But what happened to the studio joe the studio I gave it up for rent Wow, was it hard to do? Was it tough? Did you guys have a day where you moved everything out or kind of You know, what what went down there? What was that day like? Was it just you? Was it lee? What happened? It was July 12th when I made the official decision that we were moving

And it took about four or five days to think of what I was going to do with the church And I had a decision to make I was either gonna leave lee which I would miss him tremendously Or I would drag lee to south jersey And I took a look at the big picture. I was starting to get emails for two years about that. I was enabling lee Mm-hmm, and I was starting to feel guilty I was starting to feel guilty because I felt that just like Mike is helping me now I like Mike

And I like that he helps me. I like that he's here twice a week But in three years, I want Mike to say listen. I'm doing this I'm doing this. I'm doing this, you know, I'm just giving you a warning as a friend that Maybe in six months, I want to take this in a different direction. Would you mind and I'm the type of motherfucker that I want to see people grow Do you know I'm saying I'm the type of yeah, I'm cheering for you to grow that's party You know, I took my daughter to kickboxing this morning. Oh, yeah And some little new kid got a white belt And you have to clap for the kid

And on the way out I told my daughter, you know What they're teaching you there when you're clapping for the kid is for genuinely be happier for people That's part of this whole thing that you can't no jealousy. We have to be Have to be happy for people and we have to push people that are around us up a little bit like You having a rough day deal. Let's talk. What's the matter? I don't know my material deal You're gonna do great. Don't think about what's going on Just go up on stage next thing, you know, jeff scott r.i.p.'s calling Theo up And you go up there and kill and you'd fucking destroy. I just lifted you. I just told you it's gonna be okay

Before we go on stage that one minute before we go on stage we get hit with every doubt that we can in the world Every doubt, you know All kind of stuff flying my head. I shouldn't be in the same room with bill burr. I went to prison I'm not a good joke rider This guy's way better than me. You know, you get all these doubts in your head. Then you got to pick yourself up That's what I'm there for Because for years I would look at that stage and I know they're bringing me up the lights on blue You know, I mean nighttime was random to fuck out of that like just

Coming to the stage joey deers And I'm running on sunset strip in a fucking car from fear, but No, that's what I would sit there and go fuck this I gotta go up there and fucking kill these cocksuckers period and that's where you get your balls from, you know Yeah, I think I gotta remember remember that sometimes too just to lift people up and be a part of just like You get into this space sometimes where you get in fear where it's like you don't even realize you're in fear You're just trying to hold on to everything you got going on, you know It's hard. I mean, it's all a little bit tricky sometimes, you know, when your career changes when

You know, the the landscape changes you know and uh Yeah, it's just I mean, it's a journey man. It's all a journey. What does the ovan think of his career today? Where's the ovan today with his career? Well, I feel You know, when I really start to drop into it, I feel I feel pretty good, man. I feel it, you know, I feel honestly I hate to say this. I feel grateful for the fucking disease or whatever this thing is, you know

Whatever happened because I was kind of burnt out, man Like my brain felt like it like separated from my neck, you know, like somebody been fucking feeding me knives at night You know, like I was just like I was exhausted Uh You know, like about a year and a half ago. I canceled. I had five shows in braya that were sold out For friday saturday and I canceled on the tuesday. I couldn't go on. I just couldn't I was just burnt I could just I literally could not go out there and do it. I was just burnt out. So Uh

So I needed some type of a break and this whole virus came along or whatever it is and So now I feel pretty I feel a little more hopeful like I'm getting more excited. I was grateful to have podcasting during that You know, like we've been at least able to survive, you know, we've been at least able to like Okay, we got a microphone. You got uh, Michael over there got shone over here. We got a producer Okay, how do we start to piece this together? You know And week by week you start to get your set back behind you when you figure it out and And then you start to really like, okay, I think I can do this. Okay. He can come in on a saturday

I can come we can do this, you know, we start to build it back up and I'm starting to feel again like I can get on stage again and it feels kind of fun You know, like I didn't want to get on stage for a year. Honestly, bro I just was just cooked Um, and we did a lot man during that five or five. I don't know you you guys did it for so long You guys fight her and the kids um Mary, you know, you guys did it for so long

But I just got into that wheel where it was like three episodes a week and and going out of town and doing the shows on the week and it just It was like, um I felt like a remote control car, you know But some f**ked hard had the remote and we didn't even know where he was, you know I felt like Jesus who's got the damn remote, you know I felt like some brother was on pcp and he had f**king happened upon the remote, you know, like My goose was f**king grilled, baby. So

Right now I feel like okay. What do I want to do? Like it took me a long time to feel like okay This audience is gonna stick around like I felt like man like I think in my whole life everything I always felt like when I was a kid like I didn't know if things were gonna stick around like I didn't know if the next second was guaranteed or if the next You know, if when my mom came home if she was gonna feel okay or if she was gonna be happy I just there was never any guarantees, you know, so I think it took me a while to feel like okay

If you go sell a show in a year put your name on a bill in a year people are still gonna come And so that's where I'm just kind of getting to I feel like personally like having some confidence that I don't have to fight every single second for Somebody to be there that okay. You've done enough work Where people are gonna come You can start to be a little bit more like come from a place of of like planning instead of a place of like, uh

Desperation or reactiveness, you know, I feel like now I can kind of take action So, yeah, I want to maybe do some touring later in the year and in the next year um I'm work. I got a cartoon. I'm thinking about trying to work on I think about right and putting together a book or something Um, but man, I didn't realize how happy till just just this moment how happy I am to be here with you today, bro Thank you, dog. Uh, Theo, let's go back to 2006. I'm playing Beaumont You're doing some casino in New Orleans, uh, I heard of your name. You had done some crumb tv or whatever

When did This hit you in the face that your little fucking dream that we both had this little Thing started we started living at what year did it start? Going into motion for you I guess that it started going into motion I would say You know I think there was probably a night I was in Kansas City, man. I was at uh at the funny bone there. I think or improv maybe and

I wasn't really selling any tickets or anything, but I remember The building was burned. I was in a hotel. Somebody said it on fire, right? It's always a good sign Yeah, yeah, well, I mean depends on what like religion you are, but yeah, some religions maybe but um So I'm there And the firemen are coming up, bro. And I just you know, look I just got into my room from the shows. It's cold outside I got a fucking big sandwich bro. I'm sitting there on the bed

If I die die, you know what I'm saying? I'm not fucking leaving the hotel room, you know And there's literally police officers beating or you know, whatever it is fire police or whatever, you know people with the X You know, I think it was a black eye. Honestly bright sign of black. I'm not saying that But and look, I would rather a black fireman. I believe a black guy could beat fire You know, I don't know what your paper rock scissors chart is but I believe if you go brother fire, bro I'll fucking put a brother over fire, bro. Brothers don't like fires. You know what I'm saying? It's it's in that dna They don't like change for years and fire They just don't like it a black fireman shows up that fire is going down

That's what I'm saying is done. You know what I'm saying? Brothers don't like fire. Hey, that brothers in Frankenstein. They never like fire people chase their motherfuckers for years with fire Yeah, dude, so I'm gonna be cancelled by Wednesday, you know what are we gonna do? Cancel me son. They can't take nothing away from me. I can't do already. What are you gonna do? That's it, baby. I hope they can then we'll start a new show called fucking welcome to cancel baby Cancelville greetings from cancelville That's it. Fuck you motherfuckers Kick that man easily, you know, yeah, fuck it. We'll show up with a fucking picture of

Weinstein hanging on a rope behind this and shit. Fuck it. Somebody gave me a car deodorizer With wine, yeah, and I don't know if I should put it in my car. I feel weird I'm a Catholic. I can't have people hanging around bad. It's pity those Yeah, that's a risk around me That's a risky move, man, but I remember I remember they're beating on the door, bro They think I don't know why, you know, it's a you know, Kansas City. It's still a smaller kind of city And so I don't know if they think the fire is in my room or whatever But they beat out everybody else is evacuated from the hotel

You look out the window to you can see the flames downstairs You know on the first floor and I'm on like the 12th floor. They got me out at one of those landmark hotels You know, you're outside of the city and um They're beating on the door and I'm not going anywhere And that's kind of when I realized, you know what like I'm not going anywhere, you know, I did my shows. I got a sandwich. I'm sitting here I'm at a fucking I'm at the tallest fucking Hampton Inn in America. You know, I'm saying bro like I don't care if they burn this bitch down

I don't care if there's fire if there's fucking brother with axes and fucking buckets of water at the door I'm not going anywhere And I think there was a little part of me in that night that was like Just like This is it. This is where you're gonna be man No matter kind of what happens and I still felt like in my head at that time and in my in my spirit I felt like I was capable and I knew I was Just doing a good doing a good comedy show

But nobody else knew it yet and that's kind of uh, but But that's when I felt like I was committed bro when they're beating down the door, you know And the brother was cool man. He actually came in they finally, you know, they came in because they jimmy the shit open or whatever eventually You know, I don't know if these guys also do pop a lock or whatever during the day But this motherfucker, you know, I'm saying he was in there and in about 10 in about 10 seconds when he was in there and And he saw me and I said, hey man, I just got back from work, you know, if You know, if they're if I'm really gonna burn double back around and he said I got you found And uh

And it was I don't know it was just kind of cool. So that's when I knew I was in When did I know my career was gonna get better? Honestly, not till podcasted man Not till you guys not till fighter in the kit man until I went on those podcasts. I didn't really have anybody that cared Can you believe that for years? We got the la and they told us we had to have the show And you have to do this and you have to do that and next thing, you know, you go on somebody's podcast and you tell a story But I see Mike or how you got to drive your father to liquor store when you were a kid and next thing, you know, there's 80 people at your fucking show that said they really like what you it was mind blowing the the growth of the podcast Was a connection, you know, when I got to LA it was get on a tv show

Recur on it and get people guaranteed to come out tons of people on tv shows that can't sell tickets now, you know podcast legit legitimize this it made us Put our money what our mouth is it told, you know, for me it was telling the story about mugging a hooker and lighting a wig on fire Oh, yeah, the next week i'm out there and i'm selling tickets I had done that i'm saying the movie spider-man 2 You know, I did everything I fucking could except go to Montreal. They never wanted me as a comic So I went to the back door and look we ended up going through the back door

Because we were not from the comedy central cut where the fuck are they today? They're all hiding for cover because for 20 years they provided services That one out of five comics were fucking the real killers They were giving you fluff and whatever the fuck they wanted to give you So they lost credibility when all of a sudden you and harry and Bert and fucking tom and all these comics that were unknown to the audience And now became known comedy central lost face

Throw over there jumping up and down with the three three same comics. I have nothing against them Nothing at all. I love dame. No touch I miss going on the road because I would watch the tosh one after the other 2.0 whatever the fuck Love that shit, but it wasn't just tosh. They were giving half hours to people. You never even fucking heard of Oh, dude, some dude in a week. They had Some guy in a coma. They gave him a half fucking hour, dude He had like it was like eight beats one defibrillator went off because the the battery was low on it

That was his half hour. Yeah, because he was he was allegedly transgender We don't fucking know if he we don't know and and comedy central was forcing these comics on your throat The special would air on friday saturday and sunday then they'd you'd move on And that was it now You know when people come to see you Let me tell you the other problem was that let's say you want a show that was like Think of what's the guy that was coming to the store that did America's funniest videos Bob sad Bob Sackett think of some guy like Bob Sackett that was on a family show

Then you see Bob Sackett talking go out and watch him I'm talking about putting two fingers in your asshole and smelling your fingers people were running out of those places because they expected to see The fatherly figure that was Bob Sackett podcast changed that Podcast let you know exactly who the fuck we were And where the fuck were you coming from and if you don't want to come you don't have to come You know, it's on my mind Yeah, that gave you more of a personal touch that People that have tv shows now. I know for a fact. I don't want to drop any names. It's not for me to say

They can't sell tickets Oh, yeah, because that connection is not there now if they would have done the tv show And a podcast throughout the week to contain that tv show on their own Not cbs run With the co-star and you got to stalk, you know, but letting people what's on your People know what's in your heart and soul not what's in some fucking writers are writing for you It would make a world of a difference now to an actor when that show moves on. Guess what?

You're gonna retain that audience and they're gonna follow you for years for comic cons and shit like that but That's what i'm trying to say that podcast Changed the game especially for guys like you and me that have a life That yeah, yeah Yeah, one of the things we wanted to talk about Or also sometimes it's just things you want to feel things you want to have a concern about, you know It's like I can talk to you and if I need help with something I can I can

Say it like even as we're talking about hollywood, man sometimes I feel bad not bad, but I like I get angry at hollywood But I don't want to be carrying that anger around because hollywood's still a good, you know, it just it's just a business You know, it's just their business and it's sometimes it's an old model But it's obviously a killer model, you know um You know, sometimes I guess I have this chip on my shoulder about hollywood and I wish I didn't have it sometimes, you know

Because it doesn't do anything Then i'm just carrying this kind of angst, you know But yeah, man, I'm great for the I'm I would never be mad at you for having a chip on your shoulder against hollywood and i'm gonna tell you why One thing during this pandemic it gave us all opportunity to think it also gave us chance to Opportunity to catch up on shit. We hadn't seen, you know, you get sick of what they're serving young tv So you start watching other things you start watching movies that Same thing with music. I started listening to music. I had listened to in 20 years. I have the albums

I just listened to different stuff on spotify and youtube, but i'm gonna compute it Yeah I watched the movies that stuck out the most when I watched this was bronson's death wish steve mcqueens getaway, which I watched the other night And I watched uh, how the west was one or something with charles bronson, which was a long-ass movie and what I realized was I was a fan of that hollywood. I was a fan of those men how they conducted themselves, you know When marron called me and said that arty lang had fallen out for his episode against sally struthers I had a bunch of shit to do that week, but I didn't really care. I canceled it and I did the episode

Because I wanted to talk to sally struthers about steve mcqueen in the getaway And I remember asking her at the third day not the first or second day I had to keep me know you can't be a comedian act like a jerk But the third day your last day on the set You could be a little bit of a jackpot because you're not coming back tomorrow anyway So I asked that I go how is steve mcqueen and she goes he was an animal And I remembered why because in that movie she's yelling in the hallway He just looks at her and fucking punches are right in the fucking face like

You couldn't get away. They give you 22 the years now to do that shit on film even you can't do it on film, but That's the way I treated hollywood. I I went to hollywood. I wasn't a formal actor neither were you We did not go to russia and learn for a year or to some accredited whatever Oh, but I could act in some ways. I could act. I've been acting at school when a principal said you guys buying weed over here Yeah, you know You know me if you can use an agent's credit card, you could act, you know what i'm saying Yeah, you're gonna take my daughter out for a nice time. Yeah, of course I am sir If you go walk with an apple store and walk out of there with an iPad with johnny woo's credit card

That's acting everything else that sucked my dick, you know shakes be a theater and all that you can suck my dick ain't nobody fucking watching you but It's it's really funny how You know those are the style of guys I liked Sinatra which meant that they were gonna be not Not bad guys on the set, but they weren't gonna tolerate shit on the set outlaws Do you fucking politics and let's move the fuck on right away? Everybody wants to be johnny fucking artists With the little lens and they're seeing something you're not you're not seeing dick and when we shoot the movie

They're gonna show 10 seconds of this and you spent two hours on this fucking thing, you know Difficult on the set. That's the word. I'm saying people think they're difficult. You know what when I did comedy for My question originally question for you was when did it went after 2006 when I saw you with josh wolf and When did you move to la and when did this realize that you were living your dream? Oh Man, I don't know if I 2012 let's just give it a shot. When did you move to la? Yeah, I moved to la in 2005 maybe 2004. Okay, so about 2010 11 you already had your net flick special

Well, yeah, my netflix bestial came out. Actually, I think 2015 15. Okay, so And that didn't what I didn't do that. That didn't do it. Well, it came out Right, but you one of the pioneers And it fell between the fucking Things it fell between so it's really weird that you said that and you're saying this to an audience It fell through The whatever nobody really caught on to it like you expected What caught on was when you went on rogan and told your stories everything changed after that

Then you came on with me and we did that hash podcast the the Mushroom podcast where you went to both places Oh, and somebody obviously taped your sets At both places and it became like a fucking thing And you and I spoke last week just checking in with each other Wednesday I go to uncle venny's and as I'm coming on stage my friends today I talked to them I'm walking towards the car and some kid walks over and he goes house theo doing and I'm like looking at this kid And he goes I gotta tell you I listen to a lot of podcasts. I drive a truck and I load trucks

The one you did with theo with the mushrooms That's so far one of my all-time favorite podcasts and I say go I can't believe you said that to me because I'm gonna have a podcast with theo next monday. So There you go. You're a fucking mind reader and I always felt that I always felt that 10 years from now when they look at those podcasts With a cutting piece. We're like the lucio balls. We're like the black and white podcast Like when you look at our podcast, it's gonna be like black and white like we were the Old school fucking no real studio just a sheet throwing up against the wall

And then in time we got better and better and better and we got a studio and we put albums up and it looked like something substantial It's just so weird to see the growth and now i'm doing it again The joint and I'm and I told people from day one. I wasn't ready to do this And because of cove it it's tough to get guests. It's tough to trust people It's tough to compromise other people who are in the room like mike has children and whatnot so I And then we have zoom, you know and Once I did the pod I I fucking hate zoom

I fucking hate it, you know, because I think it takes away that personal touch that you and I have it removes it But I also feel that if you have a prior relationship with somebody The zoom works a lot better. I have seen that so Yeah, the part I miss is coming into your studio, dude If you're already sitting down, I got to go around you to get into my seat, you know Right So what I love is bro always kind of leaning in on your back and just put my arms on you You know letting you know, I'm happy to be there, you know

You let you know, I love you you tell me you love me and it always feels good, man You know, that's a one little thing I miss bro, I So one thing people don't know about the mushroom show is So I rolled out of there late, bro, I was supposed to be early on that show And I'm freaking I get in my car, dude And I see all the dashboard lights and my car ain't even on yet Like fuck man. I want some mushrooms, you know

That's when you know, you're on mushrooms doing the street lights are on but they're not even on yet You're like damn. I'm seeing a lot of extra electricity. You know a lot of free electricity from god So Anyway, I get I get over there I get over there and I remember walking down the hallway and shaking somebody's hand and I felt like they took my hand and I'm like fuck, bro I'm not, you know, I'm feeling pretty squirrely. If I feel like I shook somebody's hand and they took my hand with them when they walked off So I said, you know, I'm having some weird feelings right now, but um So the the set at the improv was crazy, but then I went to the comedy store

I went to the comedy store And that's I think when the the vegetable started to rattle inside of me because I get over there and I go on stage and Adam he gets over there and he's worried about something, you know, he's just fucking he brewing out over there You know, the fucking living legend adam E get he's fucking concerned or whatever, you know, and So I just tell him everything's gonna be okay. Get over there get on stage and some guy near the front was in a um What's that thing called? It's like if you're handicapped, but it's like a little not like a

Like they push you it's like a wheelchair wheelchair Yeah, yeah, sorry wheelchair. Yeah, he's in a wheelchair. Yeah wheelchair wheelchair so this guy's in a wheelchair and It has a little squeak on it, bro And I'm fucking you know, someone when you're on mushrooms some sounds are amplified and shit. So I'm on stage And the wheelchair makes a little squeak and I thought

Somebody was making a funny noise and making fun of me. That's where my head went So I start So I stopped my joke. I said, what would you say man? I said, I got in this negative place and the guy's just laughing This guy could barely, you know, the last muscle he got's working is his throat muscles And he's fucking chuckling with him. You know what I'm saying? This dude's 90 to heaven, you know, it's dude He gots nothing, bro But for some reason whenever he laughed it made one of the like nuts or bolts in a wheelchair It wasn't tight and it made it squeak and when I heard that squeak

I thought somebody was saying something and making fun of me So I kept stopping the show and like accusing this wheelchair guy or something and this guy could barely fucking This guy couldn't get a mouth full of milk down if you gave him two and a half hours You know what I'm saying like and I just keep roasting this dude and ripping into him And it was thank god that set isn't on recording because that shit went downhill fast It's basically a half hour Yelling at a fucking non-rescue guy, bro. It was bad man. I fucking went to Ralphie May's Thanksgiving party like 2007

Right before I stopped going to the store Ralphie May was on top of the world And he fucking Through a barbecue that was tremendous Yeah on top of the counter before the fucking food was a bag of mushrooms a pound of mushrooms And only three of us ate ate them me Ralphie and Marilyn Martinez got arrested so late like two of them Me and Ralphie kept eating them in between turkey bites and she's still alive guys. She just tripped really hard She fucking died but not from

But uh Fucking I went down the store, you know, it was Thanksgiving. I was kind of canceled You know like when you're having a good time, you know, I fucked this store to quarter to 11 I'm not going now. Oh, yeah, and in those days. I wasn't getting quarter to 11 spots I was getting 115 spots with the Thanksgiving So the stars don't call in so a guy like me gets Fucking 1045. You're like fucking ready I

Fucking went down there and as soon as I walked in that original room everything turned purple All I saw was purple And I just did as much time as I could and I think after nine minutes. I just ran the fuck out of that It just turned purple everything in the room was purple. I could hear the neon light sizzling and shit Jeff's trying to play the piano and improv with me. I'm looking at him like he's a fucking Martian from another planet I'm like, this is too fucking much I could deal with the edibles and shit, but this mushrooms at this and then in those days You gotta remember there was only 18 people on the Thursday

It wasn't no 3000 people yelling your name clapping Blue cheese and wings go fuck your mother. I'm up there dying a slow death and everybody's fucking purple. I'm like, this is not normal This is not going to continue. My my career is not going places I could handle the edibles up there. I could not I you know what listen. I got into county july 16th and 91 and this weekend st. Patty's day 1992 I was cute and I went down in the headliner had a reputation for doing coke So I bring I figured I'd bring a package with me to try to be cool. So the headliner would hire me for other gigs Yeah, dog. I started doing bumps at the headliner. This guy was an animal

He could do an ounce and fucking go talk for two hours like nothing happened to remember punch lines I went up there stuttering that you should have heard me. I was like fucking spider and good fellas I said never again Well, I'd do a line of coke and get on stage. So I learned early on not to do coke and get on stage I've never done lines. I'm a coke fiend Yeah, I had it in my pocket when I went on stage. I'm not gonna lie to you many a night at the store I was on pocket. I was in on stage with a coke pocket burning in my pocket You can see the fucking light coming out of my pocket, but I wouldn't do it

So I walked off the stage and in those days I used to go right down those steps right into the original room bathroom Do two bumps that I was ready to talk to people. How you doing? All right. Yeah Good to see you. All right Dude, I yeah, I got on stage a couple times man. Uh on coke and I it was so hard to do Dude, I remember when I I remember some guy in college came out with a um Or he said he is you know a buddy or something. He was shiny. I don't know if he was chinese, but he was Something was going on with him and he said that they came out with like, uh

Cocaine suppository, right? This is when you know, people were excited about cocaine and you're like, well You know, I'll try it. However, I can get it, you know and so I remember putting Putting one of those in my ass as a college kid, you know And trying to do it different ways man. I just wanted that buzz in my system, you know, and it burned the inside of my ass I remember and it was not uh It wasn't you know, it wasn't usda approved or whatever, you know, but um But anyway, man, I remember the other worst time ever had on cocaine outside of that chinese time was when

I was on stage at the comedy store And that was the worst if you were buying coke You wanted the coke guy to get there after you're set, bro Because if you got there before you got your coke, you're like, oh, I'll save my coke, but you can't save your coke, bro You know, you can tell your coke. I'm gonna save you but then your coke's like, no, you're not And then you gotta do a little to make sure you're to make sure you still know how to do it, you know So I would do a little go on stage and then like I couldn't get the timing right of the I I would be too quick on the punchline and my chest felt small

And I felt scared the whole time, bro. That's one thing I don't like about like I just wish if I was a tougher guy I could handle I think you gotta be a Cocaine to me. It's so strong that I can't meet it halfway sometimes, you know It just it takes me over. I you almost got to be like fucking rocky marciano and meet it halfway, you know Let me tell you something about cocaine the cocaine's great When you're trying to put some chick together you're trying to have a good time and you're trying to have a long conversation with yourself

But the problem with cocaine and comedy is this I wish prior was alive today so I could ask them. Maybe I'm wrong For me when I did coke the night After I did let's say I did a fucking snow storm on a Friday night And I went on stage on saturday and I still had coke in my pocket and I hadn't done it yet I I could blow up a room No, I'm lying to you. I could have a great set joke wise

What am I saying joke wise straight from the notebook Right from my memory straight from my mouth to you set up punchline You're gonna laugh It's gonna detour that when you say a joke for a joke to really connect it's gotta detour through your heart and through your soul The cocaine detaches that soul and heart. That's why you feel mechanical Yeah, that's why you feel very mechanical, you know, it's bad enough. You ever do three shows in the night Oh, yeah, the old school improv seven

nine 11 or 12 midnight madness or whatever But at the time you did midnight madness, you didn't even know what jokes you were saying Because you're like, did I say this already? Didn't I say this already? You felt disconnected when you got off stage. You would always say I'm not doing that fucking midnight joke anymore I didn't midnight show anymore Because it's too much on you And you're disconnected because you you just did two shows and you don't know what the fuck you said on both shows wet or You know, the third show you're sitting there going. I said that already. No, that was the third

No, I said that the second show. Fuck it. I'm not doing this show no more. Well, that's the same way it was With cocaine with me. Oh, yeah, but for a joke to work, they got to feel it through your emotion. You have to become vulnerable It's got to go through your soul your heart and then your mouth your brain when the the cocaine's in there It don't hit your soul or your heart. You just become A fucking person who writes great jokes and just says them like a computer Yeah, that's a good that's a great that's a great way to explain it man. Yeah, that's the way it felt for me That's why I used to get pissed off When people would say shit about laurence taylor. Yeah, he's a great football player. He's on coca after time

Let me tell you something when I went to prison I would do a line on speed on monday nights and play basketball. Oh my god. I was horrible My heart would be beating out of my chest. I couldn't focus So I think people were wrong about laurence taylor, but years later. He did say he did it and went on the field and blah, blah, blah So who the fuck knows how's your life now in nashville visiting going back and forth Between California Yeah, I mean I I came over here to spend time in nashville because Because we you know

I'm gonna say this about cocaine too because since we were just talking about I just because you had me thinking about it That's a great way to explain it man. Yeah, it takes away It detaches you from like the real emotions that are connected to whatever you have going on So if you see somebody you care about you don't treat them the same way everything no matter what if you have a job You care about you don't treat it the same way yet. It takes your emotions off. It's like, uh It's like a something that kills like glue kind of you know cocaine is when you look at it from a fucking distance now great for me No, it's great when you're fucking getting your dicks up and you're flying doing somersaults with

You know when you gamble and you're in vegas, but I Yeah, when you really look at the big picture And when when you figure out what you're trying to do as a human being When you're doing cocaine, you're adding evil into your life if you really really really think about it It's a certain evil that you feel that's why you're you're tormented I'm not gonna do ever do that shit again Then you quit for a week and you start again now you're in that vicious cycle And it's tormenting you and it tormented me for years, you know, like I told somebody other day listen

I quit a thousand times and finally one day it's stuck You know, you got to keep quitting you got to keep quitting and telling yourself I'm gonna fucking quit and then three days later Fuck that. I quit I quit after Thanksgiving. You know what I mean? Then you three days later I quit at the thanks. I quit after christmas I said it so many times that after one day it fucking stuck so I ended up becoming a comic and I could put my emotion into my work and years later I could see the differences

Of who I was on tape, you know, I could feel it. So Well, I think it's so painful for some people, you know, and some of us that I've had of childhood trauma emotional trauma in our life Is painful to keep stay attached to the world to keep it to have your feelings stay attached to things It's painful. And so I think that's probably You know, there's some elements of cocaine when you're, you know, when you're in college and shit where it's fun When you're in your 20s where it's just a good time But there's also it starts to become that thing that Makes you feel detached it makes you

You know, it kind of like it's like a fire extinguisher for the connection between You and things that you care about, you know, because When you have, you know, when you grow up having a lot of trauma or something that It's scary to stay attached to things you care about because you feel like they're gonna go where they're gonna disappear You don't even realize it in your head, but in your spirit Your spirit is just so scared to stay attached to things that are good And so cocaine comes along and it fucking puts a little wedge in between there And it's almost like a little bit of relief, you know, but uh

But the long term. Yeah, it's it's rocky, man. Ever since I stopped doing coke. I realized I love my friends more I love my wife more I loved my cats more. I had a cat. I had nine cats Oh, yeah, and I had a cat named sissy Like a man from st. I's sissy was a beautiful fucking cat Sissy lived in my house For five years and never would have contact with me. Oh, damn. She would come Five feet of me and that was it

I stopped cocaine A week later sissy was sitting on my lap Amen What is that fucking tiger and we you know after that we became tight till she died two two three years ago It was just really weird. She could that's when I knew I didn't know at the time when I first had her. I just thought she was skittish my wife fed her She liked my wife more. No, I quit doing coke and A week later, she's sitting on my lap watching fucking tv. It's weird

Nashville you like it Yeah, one thing it's nice. Well, first of all You know, california was so shut down. You couldn't do nothing. I mean you come to nashley do whatever you want, dude You know i'm saying you got people you got inset you got whatever you want going on over here You know, you couldn't catch cove if you was dating your fucking sister over here, you know, like they just don't have it, you know, because You know because it's just not as I don't know that it's not as afraid over here. You know people are just living their lives and shit's pretty normal You got the jiu-jitsu gym is open. How's it get to going? I'm so fucking proud of you. Look at you. What school are you going to?

Let's go Which school are you going to give me white belt? What is it white belt? Oh, it's called nashville mma. Okay, and what's the guy's name who runs it? The guy's name over there named chris the guy's name over there mr. Hammons this other guy named uh, This other guy named etai and this other guy named andrew what's chris's last name? I don't know his last name. I think he's friends really bravo. I think that's the guy but send him my love How's your jiu-jitsu working out for you? I will so many of the guys over there ask about you, man It's good man. I had to fight a child the other day, which was a little bit

You know, it's a little i'm not a look. It's good to know you're not a pedophile, bro That was one nice part about it. It was like look at no point during the thing was I like enjoying this Yeah, so yeah, I might enjoy it. I was like, this is just technical, you know I'm saying like I didn't feel any like hey, let's go another fucking, you know, put nine minutes on the clock You know, so that was good But it's a lot of like, um Right now i'm still learning like a lot of like how to approach like whenever you're like approaching with somebody It's a lot of defense, you know

But I love it man. I love just like I love just defending myself and it just makes me feel like a little less scary about conflict or not even conflict but just interaction like Getting too close to somebody whether it's To fight or to love it's always hard for me, bro It may all of it scares me getting close to people scares me, bro and so to have this thing that like

you kind of learn to fight and the love at jujitsu because If you find good people to roll with then they're It's they're helping you learn how to fight but they're doing it in a loving way. And so it's like god, bro It's like, um, I didn't realize that it's exactly what I need. Uh It's exactly what I need. It's like the opposite of cocaine man Did it fill that void for you that you've been missing the last few years? I think it is. I think it will with the more I can focus on it I think it will so I've been trying to make more time in my life to be able to focus on it and go the hard part is

I gotta be flexible enough to even go to the class I gotta make sure that I'm take, you know, I'm doing a little bit of yoga two or three times a week To get in there and just not break my net, you know, not just get all you know I gotta I gotta prep myself before I go in there because a lot of the people in there is younger and these children and they're fighting so it's um It's a learning process man, but it's so much cooler than I ever thought and like Yeah, man, it's just fun. You get in there and everybody beats you and it's cool and You're not feeling on in there. He's the dumb guy in the back

Yeah That's how I used to just say I'm not joey. I'm just a fat fuck in the back sweating I'd sit all the way in the back and I'd do my little hip escapes and push-ups And then sometimes I'd feel confident. I go up the line land number three But for the most part, I'm all the way in the back. I'm the fat dummy in the back Sweat and it's smelling like onions and fucking garlic feet and shit and toenail polish Uh, they got me fighting a blind guy. Dude. They got a blind guy over here. This guy's probably

On that he's probably deadly. You're like, jeez If you weren't blind that fucking take your eye out already cut suck that you got me in an arm bar You're fucking blind. No fucking touching when you wrestle him. He's got to have little dots on his thing Then you hear them and you're like, you're the motherfucker that makes the governor stand next to him He's probably the guy that stands next to the governor giving up fucking sign language All right, let me tell you something if I see one more sign language guy, everybody's got a fucking sign language assistant Oh, it's crazy. All those mayors got suck. Where's the bodyguard? No, they got some guy Teaching you fucking lying to you by the hands. You're gonna get your vaccine by tuesday. No, you're not

You gotta do this shit. It's bullshit. That's what that's what that most is That's a bad one, bro. Creed rocky. That's why you gotta watch the rocky series. I learned how to speak deaf people language And sometimes it's not even it's not even a it's not even a deaf bird Sometimes this is a third base coach that played that fucking used to coach in Toronto, you know He's over there to fucking give it signals. They used to go to alberto cranes And they used to put me against two people A 74 year old guy that by the way would fuck me up. His name is the savage Go on youtube and type in savage bjj. He's 74 years old. Don't type in savage bj though

Savage bj. You might get somebody else, you know what I'm saying? So you would fight this guy no names 74 years old He would get there at eight there in the morning with a cooler. Listen to me Not that fucking construction cooler I'm talking about a cooler filled with liquids and protein powders and carrot juice and gorilla biscuit and menthol Nine o'clock. He does the fucking kettlebell class 10 o'clock. He does the no geek class 11 o'clock. He wrestles with the dummy by himself And at 12 o'clock, he would do the fucking geek class

And the most respect for him the guy would stay there eat a banana yogurt almonds He would he would do four classes 74 years old And he would bear him bully you to death. He would fucking One time he had my toe because he's 74. So he goes to the simple things. You know what I'm saying? You're not gonna grab your fucking arm. You're gonna pull him. He'll do like a toe thing One time he got me at the fuck I toe hold. That's an old brazilian fucking toe hold if you got toe jam This motherfucker was killing me and then there was a chick

Like a brown belt that he was 50 I was probably 52 at the time 53. She was 56 I think I used to time it like today. I'm if I could last a minute with her. I did good Yeah, she was heavy set She would fuck me up and then she would need a belly me Oh, she would stick her knee in my belly and my dick would pop up like a fucking like it's like That's how deep she would fucking just it would press something like live There's a button in your stomach. But if you're pressing your dick gets hard, I mean

You learn so many things but you learn that uh You learn technique Oh, yeah It's your comedy when you get back on stage after a while. It's gonna go back To a level it's never been because You're gonna learn that in jujitsu No matter what he does you got to re keep retrieving your guard, right? You got to keep putting them back in your guard then you could start Operating again, you go for the arm you go for the fucking uh camora. You could do all that shit

But the same thing with comedy when I would find myself lost on comedy I would take a couple breaths and I would get find my home again, which is the closed guard And then I would attack from there. Let me get this on let me pull so he thinks i'm pulling But i'm really gonna get him with a scissors sweep It's very interesting. I'm very happy you got into it brother and you know, it's crazy because For four years you and I have been having discussions that something was missing from our lives. We had comedy We had podcasts. We had everything we wanted. That's why I tell people be careful what you want for because it might just happen You know and we got what we wanted, but there was always something missing

And you and I had this discussion last saturday on the phone for you. It was the burnout process Yeah, you were burnt out and now in hindsight I don't want to say it because my persona is to be a fucking, you know Hold on I was also burnt out, but I wasn't burnt out on the stand-up comedy I was burnt out on the business side I was burnt out on the the numbers and the fucking theaters and what the theaters are charging you and It never ended. It never ended. It never fucking ended. So

It took away that love that you have to stand up like that natural fucking love everything was based on money You know, I want to go I want to be able to go to the pizza parlor down the corner And sign up for the open mic and be number eight and get off Yeah, when I'm able to do that. That's when I go back on the road for fucking comedy When I could go to an open mic and do it not for money, it got to be for money and I didn't like it for money anymore I want to fall in love with it because I'm in love with it. Not because you're paying me a certain amount of fucking money There's no I don't I want to do anything in my life for that Once you get over a certain age, you realize it's not the money

It's what makes you happy and what keeps you happy while you're doing Yeah, no, look, I I think uh, and I think that's one thing joe that that uh during this whole um disease or whatever that People have realized a little bit like what am I doing on this on this ferris wheel and this money go around like Who am I trying to play like I'm not doing I'm just working for somebody doing this for there. There's no like Where is my reward as a human? Where is my value as a person like what is this rat race? You know like I think a lot of us are like You know, I don't have to do all of this. I can slow my life down

I could tell people know and enjoy my life with my children or my family or You know, we don't have to you know, we got You got everybody in the world thinking that they can buy a yacht one day or something watching all this gary varnier Check online and shit all this bullshit, you know, you could have a fucking uh, Monte Carlo, you know like bitch you probably can't you know You might be in a fucking Ford escort the rest of your life But it's about the other side of the coin is just Enjoying the time in the Ford escort, you know, like

Why am I on somebody else's schedule all the time? You know, like we got I think hopefully we turn into a little bit more like spain, you know, they take a break after lunch, you know That's good, you know, it's weird that I also got sick of the making plans to do comedy and then something pops up socially That you would really like to do Yeah, you know, like you would really like to do that socially fucking and you can't because you have a date and fucking Des Moines And you don't want to disappoint them and you don't want to cancel nobody but the good thing is brother With three quarters past this pandemic

We all made our decisions on where we're gonna end up and what we want to do You obviously did which makes me fucking happy by talking to you. I obviously did I'm gonna finish my shows at Vinnie's and I'm taking the fucking summer off the Sopranos comes back The movie gets released to many saints in Newark and then we're evaluate And take it from there, but I'd also love for you to Stay in touch with me and let me come on your podcast Yeah, I'd love that, bro. We could talk about I see Mike and finish up there. I know your producer had plans and you've got plans It was just a Saturday afternoon. Check up with you, brother

You know to let you know. I love you We we made history at the comedy store And we you know, we made history on the podcast with fucking eating the mushrooms You weren't even there the next night was the night reigning basia was on And we ate the mushrooms again as Lee and Dean were walking out fucking Lee just barfed all over his shirt Thank god, we had extra shirts and he kept telling me he was like he would be okay And I'm like, you're okay, Lee and he would look at me and go don't take me to the hospital It's gonna be all right. Don't worry, Lee. We'll be lucky if we get you a fucking hot towel, brother

No hospitals We gave him a different shirt. We threw his pukey shirt away And that was the video from Lee from out of space. That was the night that was happening way before that What nights are you going down to zanies? Uh, I don't I got I got a show there. I think on the 23rd or 25th. Um I've been taking it real easy, man, you know, and if I'm back in LA I'll do a night or two over there. Mark Serratella has a show mark haze irish mark that guy was sending my love He took good care of me. He was always straight with me on the shows and oh, yeah

He proved to be a gentleman that fucking dude. So yeah, I agree Mark Serratella's a jeep. But so is marques man. Good job. Good guys But man, I love you and I appreciate you always checking in with me, man I'd love to have you on the podcast soon and and yeah, it's like, uh, I'm just Yeah, man, I didn't realize how much I needed just this conversation I told you that I've been telling all these older cats that we talk all the time on the phone and listen I'm gonna give you a call in the next couple weeks. I want to do a face to face Just to see each other just to remind ourselves of what we went through

And that we're gonna be all right Everybody's gonna be all right the people that watch us everybody. I wish us all But thank you. Thank you to your fat. You read what story would I see Mike? You call him lately? Oh, I haven't seen him. I haven't been back to the neighborhood in a while, dude They had a flood in our area. So I'm sure he's probably doing well, dude You know what I'm saying if he's collecting rare water area because I know I donated to somebody's go fund me from that area When it happened about two months ago, somebody reached out and said

Can you bring it up on the podcast and I forgot so I just threw something in and go fund me from I don't know. Oh, that might have been Houston, maybe I don't know it was like the city of or something like that It's all good, man. Dustin Poirier doing the diamond, baby. I know how exciting for him So what now you could train little jujitsu up by you when you go home go by dustins and he'll clean it up for you Well, he told me he'll fight me in a gi one day if ever if I get a little bit better, you know And guys like dusted. Oh my god, you go three minutes a time and it's a fucking year education Oh, I could imagine bro. They got shortcuts

They got everything they do. You know, I'm saying it's like it's like an open mic And then there's us we've been doing it for 20 years. We got shortcuts. We got ways to teach With him. He's gonna just as you roll along He's gonna be saying put your hand here watch pull this in a little bit. Oh, fuck I never even saw that and then he opens up avenues for you that you don't see But that's why I like jujitsu because it's opened up so many avenues in your head that it opens up avenues When you're riding when you're on stage, so that's great that you have him I can't wait to see you rolling with dusted and shit

And yeah, maybe one day man, dude, I can't believe it took me so long to get into jujitsu I didn't realize it was like just it's not even about becoming like a great fighter. Anything. It's just about No, just being with yourself just being with yourself. I just picked up the guitar I took my first two guitar lessons last week So look out for Conway Diddy uncle Joey Pretty soon and shit. Don't get me stop. I'm sorry I am the most scared I've ever been if you thought I was scared before I took the pain pills Yeah, I'm more scared now

Because playing the guitar is an addiction that I knew was gonna free like last night I went in there in the afternoon and played and last night I went back in that 12. Like I gotta knock this off Yeah But you know what? If it's fucking makes you happy It can't be that bad Cheryl crow 1999, you know what I'm saying Robert plant bro. You bet. I'll fuck to keep me posted

Uh, so it's not everything and I'm happy you made the same decision. I did that We were just burnt out. Yeah, we we did a fucking job You know these fucking guns and roses they go on tour for a hard year and then they disappear for a year david lee wrought When he was at van Hanlon with this a fucking peer no phone. You couldn't even get a hold of them They what do you think about this lyric the number you call has been disconnected That's what I think about that fucking lyric. Don't fuck yourself. I'm up here in the Himalayans Right off condoms and shit I love you, buddy. Thank you. I love you a great week. Thank you for coming on the joint

Stay alive Oh, what'd you think a little chat with our buddy nice and easy on a monday morning What the fuck did you get to lose nothing? You learned about us? We giggled a little bit We laughed a little bit and that's what mondays are all about setting up the rest of the week With a positive tone and fucking making it work. That's it. That's why come here, man. I love doing this shit for you guys I love doing this I'd rather do this right now and do anything else in the world. It's a looker Look at the first episode of this and look who we are now

We've grown and if you've been paying attention we've grown together And that's the most important thing I want out of this podcast I'm not looking for laughs anymore. I'm not reaching for the fucking stars I'm looking a lot better. I'm healthier. I'm recovering from a surgery And I'm just being a fucking dad. I hope you like what we're doing now what we're trying to accomplish here I love you motherfuckers with all my heart wednesday night I'll be at vinnies the next three wednesday nights and uh That's it. That's dad. I hope you enjoyed the v uh the theovon

segment and I hope you enjoy what we're trying to do here And I hope you're seeing the growth guys. I love you motherfuckers and now For a word for my motherfucking sponsors. Stay black. Love you All right, you bad motherfuckers a nice little monday morning chit chat with cleo like I said these things that i'm doing with uh These comics that I haven't seen for a long time even they say it it's great to see each other because It's been nothing but phone calls and we'd have to we'd have to resume To zoom anyway, so it's been great. I feel better about my monday and I hope you're fucking all fired up about your fucking monday

It's gonna be a great week st patty's day Be careful with your beers. You don't want to get dosed and end up forgetting the fuck in the ass Next to some guy with covid in the hotel room in the hospital room, you know what i'm saying? So be careful with st patty's day, but enjoy yourself. But before that Let me talk to you about something the joint is brought to you by manscaped Like I said in the beginning it's tournament season. You're right. You want to go You want balls are going to be everywhere you look right now Okay, and to avoid the upset you got to trim your ball scat your ball sack with manscaped

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