Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 05/13/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #79

Episode Date: May 14, 2013

Danny B's brother Gary calls in to update us on how life has been since his release from 20+ years in prison. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code Church at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Ting. Visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. Streamed live on 05/13/2013

Today's episode is brought to you by Ting. Please visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit or a device discount Oh shit, oh shit Monday made something when there's a 13th to laugh who the fuck knows It's a beautiful day to be alive records of breaking was a hundred and two fucking degrees yesterday Tremendous little James Brown in your life on a Monday little payback This is what you're doing today. You gotta get the money back You spent all weekend lead going to the movies with broads and shit goes to the bars and broads spending money Fucking guy hit it. Oh shit. Oh shit. We ain't fucking around today. Oh shit Oh shit

Break that reefer out Stretch do some fucking jumping jacks. Thank you maker for putting on this fucking planet Whoever it is God need some Chinese God whatever the fuck There's no story what the fuck ain't no fucking story sure there ain't what I was thinking about this last night before you Give me shit today. Okay. I understand. Yeah, fucking it I would like to be having sex relax hold on for one second. Yeah, and then you can you can wait for 26 minutes. All right, I Fucking yeah, I would like to be banging chicks and having sex, but I'm for different people

I'm the kind of guy if I see a dog on the street. I'm gonna fucking pet it I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna go to a chick sleeping on my couch Take my dick out hit her in the face and be like suck my dick. It's goofy when I do that Relax you relax. No you come in you just take a look This girl lived on his couch for three months, I don't want you to attack the chick Yes, you do while she was on the couch You should have been banging it you shouldn't have been playing fucking home on the range here like you know watching TV You should have been giving her a stab and she's a good girl

She likes you but she moved out with that goofy fucking brother and now she's making you take her out on Friday Saddle is with some third party. You're wasting your fucking time. You let her go into a friend zone. That's it. It's over Once I walk in and the Chinese chick is there China woman the dragon lady I go to the car. I gotta go. I don't show up my wall in the car God I had fun. I walked out. You're gonna show up to meet some chicken as a chick with that means you're in no danger One fucking girl that means they're playing block Get it together though. Yeah, you're part of the church of what's happening fucking now. Yeah, you know I'm saying get it together You're not a fucking cubs guy no more. I am together, but there's different people

Yeah, I know another Jew Ari's your feet. You know what that guy does part time. He gives out Chlamydia That guy's got more chlamydia fucking get out of jail cards. Maybe I know he's Jewish and he started at like 35 No, he did not. Yes, he did. I've known the Jew. He's been slinging dick. You know why why he's a Jew cut it out Yeah, well, I'm gonna go up with two girls and stand there while they look at other guys. So you and you're that guy Don't let that happen again. You're part of the church of what's happening now Don't make me sick the fucking water box out here to come up here and take your fucking water and then drown you by mistake Cocksucker, you Got this way I deal with people. I deal with

You know I'm saying he's my goomba each this guy. I love him to death. He got himself into a friend. He's happy And then last night I talked into the fucking Gatsby The Gatsby not Iron Man, not the Ice Man not fucking any other fucking man He gets caught up with the fucking Gatsby again with two fucking bros sitting there giggling at the movie You lucky I was saying I'd burn your fucking you give me shit for Iron Man last week. No, it's okay I Rather you go see Iron Man with the one broad but you can get to hang out with two brothers Ain't friends see your generation is that friends. Let's be friends with these fucking savages. No

You got to get your balls licked and your dicks up then you become friend then you'd be friends and we hang out we drink coffee But once you stay you know saying get it together guy didn't embarrass me you're part of the church of what's happening now That's why when Jordan fucking told me I even if you showed me a picture of a little Chinese pussy I know you didn't get pussy you had them both here taking pictures like a Momo I'd bring them back throw the Chinese chick off the balcony right to the fucking pool Bang this one then jump off the pool and attack the Chinese woman. I would love to have a time machine You talk all this shit. I'd love to see you at home doing coke looking at windows not fucking anybody That's right. Yeah, we're sleeping. I already had a girlfriend

But when I was doing blow I go out there and get if I met a victim I was all over it, you know girls would call and say come over I got people over here. No, I Wouldn't go over there my cocaine. What am I the jolly pirate you haven't even looked my no And I would hold on to that thing till somebody like my fucking balls. I ain't Slinging out blow like yeah, I don't have blow you don't have to you but you have to have the mindset It's all in the mindset speaking of which don't fuck around for me. Let me tell you what I've been doing lately I've been living off these fucking hemp forces. I lost four pounds last week fucking around with this hemp force bar It's like 11 grams of seven grams of protein the fucking fiber

I ate one before the flight to Arizona and I was fine because I don't like flying without shit in my stomach Well, it wasn't it's vanilla chai Yeah, that sounds good little chai seeds. It throws it off very nice man. Go to audit comm get your fucking party started they got this and This is the new thing right here. This is on it 180 fucking tremendous I took one after my flight. No jet lag. I slept like a fucking baby. That's how we roll here. What we what what what? You know fucking hit me with some fairy tale or something. No fucking Arizona was great. I fucking bombed me didn't yes I did Arizona was great. I can connect with you. I don't like big audiences no more. I'm having a hard time

I like those little comedy rooms. You know me. Yeah, I'd rather be broke I don't want to fucking fucking big audiences. Trust me crazy. Really? Yeah, I like those little rooms I connected to look everybody in the eye Yeah, Arizona was tough on Uncle Joy, but I'm happy you came out There's some beautiful fucking women Ari kicked ass the guy before that kicked ass. It was a great show I'm happy you motherfuckers came out and had a phenomenal time. How's he like in New York? How do I cool? How is already liking? I don't fucking idea. What am I? Why talk to your friends? You just come up with these random things. How the fuck do I know how my friend?

You think I actually called Ari and said no, you're with him. I was like in New York. He hasn't been in New York He got there yesterday. I thought he said no, he's been there for like two weeks. No, he has not Please he was here last Friday to the show at the improv that I went with him in Arizona He went to vancourt with Joe. We talking about I don't know don't make me put this fucking fake single night Yeah, I bought cotton suckers Anyway, I do listen for all you motherfuckers who keep bugging me and bugging me and bugging me I got one guy give me a review on the Godfather's on every fucking other Sunday But I did go see the ice man. What do you think?

Very disappointed. What was the gas thing was great. Oh, it was great. But the story Why do fucking people take us a couple weeks ago? I went to a pitch meeting with a friend of mine and they had two writers in the room and these guys came up with something I stopped them in the middle because I can't do it no more. I said, can I ask you a question? Why are we making stuff up? We have a story the story is this this is what happened. I said the first line. They looked at me like that's fucking Yeah, because you're making up something those are more stories to catch up on. Okay. It's like telling a lie You gotta remember that fucking lie. Don't tell it. You gotta remember that fucking line. Don't tell it

So don't open up a door. I can something's closed They had this thing that he was a hit man way before fucking The guy approached him so they took the story and they condensed it to put it into a film and it just didn't work I didn't it was all lies like the guy who played mr. Softee, you know and all this shit that that just Was I very disappointed? No, I expected a kink the acting was great. Well, no the writer was great James Franco did one fucking scene really and it's the scene that He told in the fucking doc. He told in the document that he went to collect from the guy on Christmas Day That's the whole fucking story and that the guy got in his hands and knees started praying God don't shoot me

So he goes I'll tell you what if I'm gonna lock in the room for an hour If I come back if God helps you get out, I won't shoot you But if I come back and you're still here, I'm gonna fucking shoot you And he shoots the guy he comes back when guys in the room praying He shoots him he goes home and the interviewer says how did you feel shooting somebody on Christmas Day? What did you do? He goes I went home and played with my kids He goes and how did you feel? He goes I was pissed because they didn't have the screws in the box

Okay, so why are you making up the story that you go over and James Franco's fucking a 17-year-old and you shoot him? It was just made up like they condensed everything the gangster. He shot him in the cemetery He never shot that gas that gangster went to jail It was supposed to be this guy named Nino Godji. They ended up shooting him Why so the gangster that played him was identical like Nino Godji I forget what name they gave but the guy Ray Liotta play radio didn't look like that guy if the guy was a fat fucking guy like me He was a fat stocky Italian guy like me Ray Liotta between the cocaine and the fucking surgery these fucking idiots are doing now

You got to see his fucking face. Is it awful? They're all gonna look like fucking Mickey Ruck at the end. Oh, no They're all that's what they're all going for the Mickey Ruck look the juicic that does celebrity fashion Okay, it looks like a fucking monster. She's terrible. Yeah, she looks like a fucking monster her and her daughter daughter's cute I like that little Jewish look That little fucking nose like that. I like that. I love Jewish girls always have but I got that plastic surgery Listen, just be yourself. Look at this face. You think anything can help this fucking face By the way, I went to the dentist. Yeah, and I hear I thought I had green teeth from smoking weed and all that The dentist is like dog. You're in good shape. He was coming back. Give me six hundred thirty seven dollars

Because you have the beginning of a cavity in the back, but everything else is fucking good. You know, that's what happens Yeah, I was looking at my teeth. I'm like, oh the weed is fucking up I'm getting like purple fucking teeth, but I went over there gonna steam clean them nice I'll put some Lysol in between we smoke cigarettes for a while to cigarettes. I eat ass I don't give a fuck because everybody's worried about your teeth get stained when you drink coffee your teeth get stained when you eat Ass, but they can't tell you that in the advertising. You know I'm saying Haha What the fuck Lee?

No more this shit with this chick. Okay, you got one more shot to take Ashley out and put it in her fucking mouth one time If it don't happen, it's over because you're slid just wasting your time You're wasting your time unless that's what you want to do unless she's a fag egg And you're having her and her girlfriend help you bust out of the closet. Jesus Christ Is that what it is? So you have no female friends now not like that. I do but I don't I'm not gonna hang out with two of them In the fucking bar, and I never did after that I'm you don't have anyone in the bar. No, you don't go you watch football games

No, if I roll over there, and she's at the bar, and I'm waiting for a package I want the bars all the time waiting for a package. You have one drink in your leaf Yeah, one drink and you leave there's no prospects there and then what you go home, and you bang a fucking you call somebody You know me Saturday nights. I've spent here alone. I went out and I had a good fucking time She just broke up with her boyfriend, so fucking relax It took two years for her to break up with her boyfriend after he left three months ago Lee, please what don't embarrass me You don't don't don't don't don't back. I know I have friends. By the way, he was in that fucking movie friends Swimmer sure wasn't that movie. How do you do terrible? I mean he was no let me ask you this

So you know the story. Yes, they change movies stories a lot to make movies interesting If you didn't know the story was it a decent movie? I guess not nothing It's just I didn't like the fact there was one point where Ray Liotta goes to his house on his daughter's birthdays and threatens him If you know anything about this guy, we know anything about the psyche of a killer You know anything about this guy. There's a scene in the movie. They open up with their shooting pool Mm-hmm. That's one of the scenes where he opens up in the documentary Where he says that he slipped the guy's neck and he lit him on fire in the fucking car Okay, Jesus Christ the guy said something to him at the pool table

He was calculated he went out sat there and waited for the guy to leave the bar drunk and he fucking caught him He here he put the What the seat belt on him and tied it and let the motherfucker on fire and slit his neck Jesus Okay, this is one of his first murders. It got to the point, you know in 83 I would drink okay in 83 and 84 and I would drink in Colorado. I swear to God I drink like Not Jack and Coke, but Southern comfort and orange juice. Okay, and I would see the devil I'd want to steal. You know I'm saying like I had the urge to steal all my southern comfort and there were two nights one night I would I drank like four southern comforts

I did a few bumps of coke and I was walking home and I seen a pharmacy and it had what those doors that you open this way Yeah, with a bolt. Okay, dog. I put my feet on the fucking door That motherfucker open and I went in there and I opened up the register. I couldn't get nothing up But we probably had like petty chains not crazy. I was Jesus you have a lot of balls making fun of me and you drink I'm right on milk and southern comfort and orange juice By myself I'm sitting there with two fucking bros And you're not getting who gods from the boat Drinking staminke juice then you're juicing and then you tell me no

I'm just I'm juicing then you're out drinking vodka tonics, but you can't eat a lot of your time. Please drink I drink a makers mark and coke What what that's a manly drink you drink a man drink, but check like a woman hanging out with two women not getting no God's playing fucking the lesbian the third don't fucking piss me off. This should happen no more So that's the deal on the fucking movie view that I didn't like it I didn't plus something else happened this weekend that I always knew about myself And it's a beautiful thing when people think that they have to be good at everything Mm-hmm, you don't have to be good at everything guys

You don't have to be good at everything. I'll tell you what I fucking get a zero for what like in a one to hundred Guests, oh really? Oh, that was a horrible thing with my nephew this weekend What what like what happened? I just can't listen you want to come and I do this all the time I deter people from my hometown to come visit because first of all, I don't want to hear that stupidity Yeah, I don't want to hear that Jersey shit that Jersey shit is old I don't want to fucking hear it no more especially when you're in a restaurant trying to be around white people These are white people. Yeah, you got a mix in he's over there saying niggas and Spicks and fuck, you know If I'm a mini guy in the car with my wife and the baby goes I did some chick last night

And that was the end of the conversation of my wife Like my wife's like drop me off. I don't want to be around this guy. Oh Jesus. You know, how old is he 1920? Okay, sweet kid. I grew up with his family very nice Just it they young and there's nothing I could do for you There's nothing I could do for you. It's not Jersey where I could walk you into a bar and say give him a drink number two I won't do that. I won't do that. You know, I'm saying he was pissed cuz I wouldn't get him a drink at the ha ha I won't do that whether I like to ha ha. I don't like to ha ha. They have a liquor license Yeah, and you and you work. Yeah, I work there. So I don't shit where I sleep

That's be that's the problem when you're young you shit where you sleep. Yeah When you do this shit, you don't shit where you sleep. That's a you know what I'm saying? Yeah, we're gonna come. Oh shit What's up, baby? Hey, good morning, Coco. How are you? First of all, I want to say happy birthday to you Gary. You're 44 42 43 44 so I've known you for 30 fucking years since you were 14 and you ate the mushrooms Absolutely, and I never did them again. You never ate mushrooms again No, no, that was the only time It was I had a good trip. I would take them right now if I had them. No, you wouldn't you're on parole

You can't be doing that shit. They pissed at you. So No, I know that I can't hike won't even take a chance like that. I'm actually being deported today I think your brother was saying but it's funny. I read something the other day on I Was thinking about you for the last like 10 days because I woke up the other morning I was going through Google and they had an article about X felons. How there there's a trend Something's going on at the last two years. The recidivism rate is gone down Yeah, if you like they say if you stay out over a year the Your odds increase of staying out even two years it increases

much more to like 80% So far, how long you been out for Gary? Six months now you sound great. You're doing good. You know, I always check up on you and watch you I always talk to your brother and I ask them and yeah, because I don't want you to think I want to I don't want you to think I'm your extra probation officer Yeah, you know, it's like, you know, for what's the point of public anything, you know I'd be either luck. He's been taking care of me. You know, I'm playful You know, he's really telling them with the baseball, you know, I gotta give him a shout out to my brother Danny

He wins that time. You know that. Oh, no, no, no, you gotta go ten shout outs. I know he's been doing good with the baseball I know I see Then he's always been good at all that type of shit The problem is people want you to nobody can win every day and nobody wants to take the hall with you You know, we're gonna lose seven games, but we're gonna win 15. So I'm gonna get you eight net winners Yeah, it's not that no one's a profit, you know, no one can predict everything. No, that's good. I know I some numbers That's all you could do fucking money ball Money ball

So, uh, how are you feeling? What's going on? I know you're working. I know you've been working with your brother trying to help a mile A little bit up there Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, it's a headache that I got to go back to Jersey and stay there till they refile my paperwork To have a fair chance up here in Pennsylvania. You know, it's a distraction. It's wrong You know, they just make it harder for me to you know to get my life together, you know, it's terrible It really is. It's you know, it Gives me knots of my style. I just want to do the right thing. It's like every time I get comfortable a curve will pose my way It's it feel it feels like that, you know, I they told me when I got I was I was fucking I lucked out

Gary because I went back to court and got my sentence reconsidered Yes, two years in they reconsidered my sentence to a county about community correction sentence So I didn't have to do parole. I had two years of community You know, they still came to my house and they still p-testing me whenever they wanted to They had to have my number and my address anywhere I went I had to get court permission to go out of the state. I had to give Commission to get out of the fuck permission to get out of the county. So it was but it wasn't parole It wasn't the stringency if I smack somebody I'd go back to prison. You know the fucking deal

But it's amazing the shit they put you through for you to stay out It's hard enough society is hard enough now. They want to make you go back to fucking Jersey They told your brother told me they told you that you said something about not having a place live I tell you to go back to a fucking shelter Yeah, it's happening. You know, I a good thing I found this, you know, but in order for me to stay there I got a banger. I got to put myself out, you know And she got this killer dog that you know when I bang her the dog got to be muzzled and shit So don't attack me. It's crazy. Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, you know, she's like if you want to stay here for you for a few days You got a bang. So I'm like, oh, but I ain't banging you in the pussy. You can blow me. Is she cute That's yeah, right. I give her like a Avatar for all right fuck. She got a mouth and a hole in her leg as long as you got one leg you're in business Look at Lee holding on to his fucking face. You see I'm saying Lee. He's out there pimping himself out And over here you're having dinner with two girls. Hey, I'll fucking stab you cunt. What can I do? You know, I'm proud of you sound really good. Listen, man. I'm a convict. I've been a little a lot of a lot of ex-convicts You sound tremendous

You sound great, man. I Appreciate that. Hey, I even like went on that site castin 360, you know calm and all that You know, and I was getting like, you know, uh filling out stuff and it's one guy contacts He's like hey Gary. I can get you some work. So I call him up. Hey, I'm like with that work He's like hey, I can get you quick money. He's like hey do some porn. I'm like listen, man Where are you? Come meet me. I'm gonna stick it down his mouth. Leave him assault me like that. He wanted you to do Bankers to stick them up. No, I was like an insult to me like before I even sell myself like that I'm gonna tell you something Gary. I got a lot of people email me and they asked me about gas

You've gotten into a lot of people's hearts, man because a lot of people you know, it's funny I get along great with Ari Shafir and Ari Shafir is a friend of mine that if you look at him you go, why was he hanging out with Joe Diaz? Well, I'll tell you guys a secret. Ari Shafir's dad got put away for a while So Ari growing up you always tell yourself my dad's not a bad person You know Yeah An ex-felon isn't that bad of a person because you contact one to the rest of America when you say ex-felon

They look at you and you know what do you live like an ex-felon or you look like a human being? Yeah, it's crazy cocoa. Yeah, I didn't hear you. I could give Danny some. I'm sorry, brother No, I'm saying do you live like a felt like when I got out of jail? I decided right there. I wasn't gonna be a felon I decided I'm gonna be a human being fuck that felon shit. I never filled out the paperwork I never for years I lied on job applications and they come back and go you came back a felony I ain't I don't give a fuck what it said. I'm not a felon. I didn't argue with the motherfucker. I wasn't a felon so Yeah, cuz you got your thing overturned you got a fix. Yeah, no, no, no, but I'm still a felon. I'm paper Put it way hard. I'm saying on this stuff right in my heart

I'm not a felon like if you ask like I still get shit from To do a jury duty. I don't go to that because fuck you I ain't doing jury duty, but but you know You know what man? I might have been a bank robber and a rapid here I'll tell you one thing at least I was never a lawyer. That's worse Why is that? Yeah, why is that I like lawyers Well, yes, I don't know they didn't be wrong and show me out Even it's when I was supposed to go home when they were holding me illegally

All they did was rob our money and didn't do nothing and they knew I was being held illegally passed my maximization They kept me in there and they didn't do nothing How much did you pay a lot? How much how much did you spend on lawyers over the years Gary? Too much too much. It's like, you know, I want that money back, but I can't you know, at least not legally It's amazing another way. It's amazing how I Was involved with two things and they fucking raped me on Like when you're a case dog I was involved in the case of an assault when I was young in North Bergen

They happened in North Bergen Union City that every I gave this guy money for three fucking years I had to give him money like 15,000 fucking dollars. Oh It was a hit and from my divorce that attorney. I forgot what his name was I would take him to fucking court today. He destroyed my American Express account This guy would call me every Friday and he'd say dog. I need this much 1400 because they're 400 an hour So you talk to these guys on the phone for an hour. You're thinking that you're talking to them They got the fucking timer on it's amazing

Yeah, it's all a scam. It's just like these people, you know, they were it's supposed to be an innocence project in No one called the project freedom fund and this guy runs it Bruce Bacolo. You look them up, right? I didn't find out till I came home. I googled him and he's a scam artist He's one of the scam from from From his home him and this other guy they were scam artists taking all prisoners money and never getting them home So what are these people do? Nothing there with the whole thing was a scam, but there were no lawyers diary and Everything and then when we googled them and then the other guy Mark Bailey

He turns out to be a convicted awesomeness another scam artist So notes were back-to-back lawyers who were promising they were gonna get you out. You didn't hear you legally It turns out when I googled these guys They're all Con artists and convicted felons. So these guys have a project called what run it by me again hit this button It's called the project freedom fund if you look it up when you Google it It's called his name is Bruce Bacolo B. U. C. C. O. L. Oh, and the project freedom fund does what? Yeah, we said possibly an innocence project to help persons get out who are falsely

In incarcerated, you know, I did my thing, but I was passed by max. They hold me 19 more months past my max This guy sold me the world and Danny's day and the money left and right the guy had no intentions They help they help you 19 months past the time you're supposed to get out Yeah, exactly and I filed a pro se motion took another convicted lawyer in prison who filed the paperwork for me and I got in Hudson County and the judge saw it the judge in state Yo, this man's past his max and as soon as I went to the court They're like get him out of jail right now and that's how I got out

It took another inmate a convicted inmate to file a motion a pro se motion to get me home John Kufos That's fucking crazy. Yeah, that's how I got my lawyer from another prisoner who got me home So this this these people this freedom fund whatever these people out of Newark They they advertise in the prisons that they'll get you out and then they make their families give you money Give them money and then the lawyer's diary. You can't be in a lawyer's diary unless you're you're certified as a lawyer You got your license and how they getting in the lawyer's diary, you know Danny paid, you know $5,000 these people and all they did was sell some drink

Yeah, it was terrible. It's amazing. You see it like that are articles by the attorney general's office every day It's amazing when you're in jail and there's people out doing that shit and here you are in prison eating fucking cat food and There's people out there scanning people fucking legally. It killed me, but hey man Listen, you know, you know what the sad part is cocoa. No one investigated That's a federal violation by civil rights and no one came in and investigate a while was held past my max this day Not one person not the US attorney. Nobody not the fans. Hey, why was this guy past his max? Why? 19 months past his max. No one no one wrote me a check here. You're illegally 19 months. Here's the check go away

Nobody did the swept it under the rug Crazy like where's my justice And you did how much time altogether? 21 21 years Yeah It was all revenge for when I escaped it was all retaliation for when I escaped That's all it was it was over and the court saw it good thing I had a good judge when we did that process motion in Hudson County and the state

I'm so glad that that happened. You know, if it wasn't for them, I'd still be rotten in there You know, I'm glad they had a heart and did the right thing And you know what I even filed the witty court 1983 federal lawsuit while it was being held illegally and the federal court saw the same documents as being held illegally It turned me down and I went to a lower court and the lower court got me out on a pro same motion Where was the justice? So a federal judge saw it the federal judge told me I had to go to a lawyer a lower court to go home But you knew I was being held illegally and you still hold in the illegal you could have forced them to get a man jail right now Make me go to a lower court when you're superior. And why were they holding you illegally?

It was a retaliation from when I escaped in 98. So how long did they hold you illegally for 19 months? Yeah, 19 months. I was supposed to go home April 4th 2011 from federal custody and they took me right back to Jersey Jersey like not this man ain't going home No way And they even told me to my face like out there. We don't care What what your time is running concurrent? You're not going home Using the whole me is definitely like I'm a terrorist It's a crazy part. It's like they did some pictures that shit on me

Then as to this day, no one no one came to investigate it the Department of Corrections in Jersey now one person not the feds nobody Crazy You know, I would hate to get caught up in that system. Yeah No, that's terrible. That's a fucked up system. They like I got a bunch of money I can hire a good good attorney, you know to go and get me my investigation, you know, where's my job? It hurts at times hurts my pride, but what can I do I'm powerless? No, I know I don't got a bunch of money and nothing like that And you don't understand when you get in trouble and they get locked up and you're sitting there in that cell

You're fucking powerless. There's no you have no control over life outside your fourth-foot fucking eight cell You know, so you just at one point you just give up like a party who knows that there's you know When you're when you're locked up and you're trying to get ahold of your attorney It's not like you're on the street and trying to get ahold of your attorney If you're turning away answer the phone after three days, you grab a fucking car You have your grandma drive you down there when you're in jail There's nothing you could do and the people that are around you they're your friends, but they got lives You can't I can't call you Lee and go we go down there at 10 o'clock ask this month

No, I can't say nothing Lee leaves busy with two bruds talking shit at a fucking bar Going to see the great Gatsby. Anyway, this fucking kid over here I need you to come out here and straighten them out for a few weeks Gary take him into the Gary fucking family He's sitting there looking like Paul. What's the guy's name for me that what's me that's real name from? From what from all in the family? I have no idea. Oh, oh, yeah, what he saw Rob Ryan Rob He look only Rob Ryan every day. Look at you getting skinny. He's getting good. He's drinking the juice He's on the fucking prison kale program. They got him doing jumping. You do you do some jumping jacks for uncle Joey today? Finish the I don't talk to Gary. All right. I'm talking to fucking Gary cocksucker. Look at

Put him in chat He's a good dude man. This is my brother over here. No, I believe that man. So how much pro pro you got left? To 2015 that's not bad. Hey You know, but story it's a house. I shouldn't be answered to no one being held illegally and I stole old parole How the hell is that? Where's the justice? Hey, we're letting you out, but you're still an old supervision Not for real So now how much longer did we have to go to New Jersey for and stay there until you go back? I don't know. I got to see him by four o'clock. They're gonna refile the paperwork and

Here tell me there, you know, like how long would it be and this and that at least you can give me a travel Empath to come back up here. Why can't you do that? Why are you gonna make me be about so much temptation to be honest? And you got a nice line you're doing good there. Yeah, my boss is here. I love you, buddy Don't knock them dead. Good luck in court. Good luck. Keep me posted. We're gonna have you out again. You know, we love you Hey, I love you, Coco. I love you to Danny B wins. Stay black That's crazy 19 months, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, and listen and look I Understand that you did the crime now you gotta do the fucking time But in your mind you're going home when you get locked up to give you paperwork

Yeah, and that paperwork it's like a real yellow piece of pink piece of paper tells you your release day That tells you when you do 16 months and you're eligible for a halfway house It talks about, you know, like when you do County Jail, let's say you do 90 days in County Jail counts two for one Okay, I'm an 80 days. That's 180 days comes off your sense. That's that's a lot of math That's a lot of yeah, so they do all this estimated. Let's say you have you don't you do perfect behavior You get out six months fucking early Jesus take some classes you could take Judaism classes, you know the fucking deal You don't play some dirty woman from your black Sabbath or what? No, we're gonna play this we haven't played it yet today For my beautiful mother's mother's day yesterday was a rough mother's day yesterday it was yeah, because for the first time

So she's been gone. I'm really fucking utopia. I have a family have a little baby girl She should see this baby girl. You know, sir. Oh, yeah to pick up the motherfucking pieces Did you guys have a good day? Like I mean, I know that was tough without your mom But did it Terry must have been happy. Oh, that's why we had a great day Wasn't it close to mother's day like last year they found out. Yeah. Yeah, it was the week of mother's day She told me a year ago today This brief is on fire This is a

Guy Walker from Divine Wellness is beautiful. They have a Some royal white over there, but no organ is got the satellite Good googly move I've been fucking stone ball week and eat satellite and Chibo bars were back at least I am Jesus Christ So quickly what did you want you were talking about your your nephew visiting and it doesn't work out for you I'm not good at hosting. I'm not I've never been very good host And you have to live with that some people if he would have called me and said I have a car and I'll be out Then I'm meeting with a girl. It would have been a lot easier. I could have gone to breakfast with him

Yeah, I would have gone to do my thing But I can't have somebody around me all day because I'm not good with I'm not gonna go to Malibu You know, there was tons of traffic on the one-on-one. Yeah I'm not going to fucking Venice Beach, you know, you want to go to Hollywood I'm like like tonight when we left the movies. Yeah, because I want to go to Hollywood night go for what? Well, I knew you could get me in a bar. I can't get you in a fucking bar. Yeah, they don't play that He thought it was Jersey 20 years ago. Do your friends get you on bars in the city, you know, you know, no So why the fuck you think I would do it here at the top age when you're not fucking tough and it's you know

But but again, I talked to a friend of mine a day after like the Friday night I dropped them off and I went home Went to sleep and I had to run errands Saturday morning one of my friends call me like so and my friends say he goes You know, we were more like we were 15 we were 25. Yeah, our mind was somewhere else I don't know he was he was he was He was raised by his grandparents and the funny thing was Here's what really got me out of the whole weekend. Mm-hmm. I told my wife last night And then if you listen to my words correctly, I looked at my wife last night and I said to her The first words my daughter is gonna say I'm not gonna be mommy or daddy gonna be thank you

Yeah, cuz the whole weekend the kid didn't say thank you. Oh He went to yesterday. We went to get spaghetti at Pinocchio's And he said yo, let me get meatballs and pasta There wasn't a please he didn't pick up his dish There was just so many things that were fucking wrong that at 19 at 14 I did those I didn't do those things when I lived with my mother and I was spoiled Mm-hmm, and I would just eat breakfast and leave my dish in front of the TV And she would tell me and I'd leave it there the next day. I couldn't do that when my mother died

So I learned the hard way people told me one time. I'm not your mom. Yeah, I'm not your fucking slave, you know You know, there wasn't a please There wasn't a thank you So wait a second. I Go to dinner with you. I Get it I get my tab and I get your tab and then you get a sandwich and you pay for the sandwich Kid shit, I just shit that and what killed me is that he comes from when I grew up So he's around the guys I grew up

What kind of but there was never a thank you. Yeah, that I was always just about to defend him It was never a fucking thing. No, no, no, listen. I grew up with criminals, but they had matters. Yeah They looked at you and they said you look nice. Thank you for dinner. Thank you for picking that up Joe Rogan's a dear friend of mine. I'm gonna tell you something about Joe Rogan. He's one of the most generous people I've ever met in my life There's nothing he hates more Then fucking people have known when I look at Joe at the end of a dinner and I go Doug Thank you and I look him in the eyes like a man that means more to him than the world That steak he got me or that salad or that fucking breakfast he got me at the airport was delicious

You got to look at people's eyes and say, thank you, you know, I have a habit of seeing women Listen, whether they're fat small big you tell me they look beautiful. That's what my mother taught me Yeah, look at a woman. You go you look fucking sexy to that last week I was on a plane and this black chick bumped into me and I looked at her and I said you look fucking beautiful today No, thank you for complimenting my wife. That's how I was raised. I'm not hitting on her. I'm complimenting her Yeah, it's a big fucking difference. I even tell women sometimes look at my hand. I'm married. You fucking bag him to that Your shit is on fire. Okay, that's not being rude. That's not being sexist That's telling some my woman who got took the time to get dressed up that she looks fucking beautiful

That's what the school of thought I have second school of thought is when somebody gives you a fucking anything When you're heading into the 101 and somebody lets you go through you look at them and you raise your hand And you say thank you to them and it makes their day because nobody says thank you Yeah, you know if you have a child in today's world my My mother was a fucking terrible mother in society's eyes I guarantee she is if we were in a fucking room and talked about mothers, but she stressed the word thank you And she stressed the handshake and she stressed the looking in your eye and going bro That was a great fucking steak and even if it sucked

You're not gonna tell that lady who worked 18 hours on that who maybe she read the wrong recipe or whatever that that was horrible I fuck around with Terry all the time, but I don't tell her it's fucking horrible the bed of the meal is I go Don't ever make that again, you know, and she'll go was it bad? I go you see any left on my fucking dish You know I'm saying so I didn't like that thing. I thought he came from an Italian family. Thank you Please yeah, and do it more than once like I've been a lot of people who might say like at the beginning But then after you're like I actually one of the things that broke up one of my relationships was this girl in there Like I I don't like it when girls pay makes me feel weird at least at the beginning and for like the first few weeks She never said thank you once and like it was

I'd say something at some point. Thank you. Yeah, thank you much love Say something But you got to say something when people come out on fucking Friday and Saturday pay 20 bucks for teaming Like what I shake their fucking hand and say thank you to them. Yeah, and I ask them what their fucking name is Okay, that's not because no that's from being a man. That's how you fucking act You shake somebody's hand and you say thank you brother for the meal or for the fucking glass of water or for the joint Or for the reefer when somebody comes to one of my shows and they give me a cookie. God damn it I'm fucking, you know, whether the cookie sucks or not not attend it

They think that's the strongest thing in their store. So they don't know I eat garbage cans for a fucking living Fill with THC, but it doesn't matter. I appreciate Because I know so many people that take gifts to the celebrities and they throw them the fuck away I've seen it, you know, if you took the time to do something. I'll fucking carry it home We'll put it a box. I don't we'll figure something out with it But thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. That's what I didn't like about his age group And this is the second kid from that age group that I've taken out. There's been around here I went with my other nephew last fucking Christmas. Oh, yeah, they came up and they came up

went to the standard got up Complained about his meal. I Don't say nothing. I don't have that like I told a friend of mine. She said you should have said something Listen, there's a couple things where you don't say nothing because they're too. They're too much guy They won't understand what I'm saying to them not everybody you could pull aside and go do me a favor, dog I love you to death, but next time say fucking please to the waiter. Yeah, you're embarrassed me in there You made me look like a fucking jerk off. You can't say that because they take it especially people out here. Oh

Don't say that to a moron out here. You just learned your lesson now You never got to dinner with that person again. Yeah, or you never do dick with that fucking person again Oh, I'm actually going it's kind of similar thing. I have a friend who I like I think like we used to be pretty good friends, but like We hang out and I feel like I'm being used Like we let the person cancel plans and then called later that night to see if I could Drive early the next morning to West LA pick them up and drive them to a bus stop in downtown LA and then come back here after a working night and it's

It's like a weird thing where I haven't had like I've never really had to end friendships like really But like I feel like I'm being used and like I like yesterday We were supposed to hang out and I just said I couldn't I had to work and it's it's a weird thing when you feel like that And like it's weird that I got feel bad like ending a friendship But like I mean you have to do it at some point How many times have you offered me a ride to the airport in the morning? Yeah, but whenever the year around you Have I taken no well we did one but none that was that was one time, but like yeah, I think that was it There's people in this town that love to use people yeah to do what to say 30 fucking dollars

So I'm gonna make you work eight hours Wait for me till four to drive me to LA X so I could do what Lee yeah You know I Want you to think out your fucking moves. It's like this young kid one went to the ha ha And I told the Agostino knew he was 19. I Asked the Agostino. I said come here. He's 19 and he come in he goes. Yeah, it's 18. Oh, I Sad him down then my friend Alfred one up there was you want to drink and he goes. Yeah, I told him He couldn't drink it there. I was sitting close by because yeah, let me get a jacket coat and I looked at Alfred

I go Alfred. No, I Took him outside. I didn't even say nothing. I was gonna say what is that one drink gonna do for you? Yeah, it's like when I was a kid and you'd be snorting coke There was always one of these that walked up to you. Let me get a line. Come in for a second. What's it gonna do for you? Yeah, yeah, I just want to do a line. Yeah, no some women just want to not suck your dick and not swallow It's not gonna work out. You always got to swallow that fucking stamincha juice The thing is it's like normal for you, but to him He's in LA with a celebrity at a fucking comedy club, but I understand that he's young, but it was a shitty thing to do

I'm not a celebrity. Well nothing not to you. You're not, you know, and it's it's really weird I will tell you the highlight of my fucking weekend. What highlight of my fucking weekend. You ready ready? I'm at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. Yeah, which is rare for me Yeah, I can't imagine there with my wife and my nephew my wife wanted to get something and I wanted to get a slice of pizza There's a good Pete. You know, it's a really good pizza shop in the gallery more years got the park and walk. Yeah, delicious Delicious Joe's pizza something like that delicious. Okay, they make a grandma's pizza Which is a sauce which is wet and looks on it splattered and the sauce drips down your face You get one slice 10 points delicious get the salad a little hot peppers in the salad pepper genies delicious

So if I fucking my wife goes on pizza, I don't want to wait till Sunday So I go, let's go to the mom. We'll get your mother's day present. So we're sitting there But sit did I tell my wife I Guess my nephew says something about celebrities or something I tell my wife the story by Ellie Bravo said that he was in the mall and up here one day And he saw Dave grow walking around with his daughter. Yeah, and that paparazzi's were chasing him He was like get the fuck away I'm with my family the Dave grow got really pissed and he was a serious guy and then I read some article

But I've always been a Dave grow fan by the way The reason why I go to big Tony's is because of Dave grow. All right, but make the food is great It's a Mexican joint. I know I'm a fucking gay guy, but I love the food fighters and I love fucking Nirvana And he's you know, he's he was uh, he's what he called those a prodigy. Yeah on the drums So they hooked him up with Nirvana because he was such a genius So I guess whoever the record producer is please help me on people put them together. That's a well-known story He's a fucking genius Dave grow. Yeah, and I listened to a lot of me I love the food fighters. Love them. Love the food fighters. I love dad. Love Nirvana. It's just really weird

You know, and he's working on he's in an album. He did an album or he's in a band with John Paul Jones No, Dave grow is a special motherfucker. So I'm walking out of the I'm telling this story and we're walking out of the fucking mall and who's right there Dave motherfucking grow with the daughter. Oh, so what's down there and I look and I see Dave gonna go There he is and Dave goes Like don't say that I go. It's weird that you just my friend and I go see you later He walked away and then I told you and I'm blown the fuck away So me and my wife were walking with the nephew. We go into a store and as we're walking and Dave grow walks out

He's like, hey man. Thanks. I'm like God. We're fucking big friends I was just telling them that my friends said he saw you up here and then you were getting chased by a paparazzi You were telling they got to go down. He's like, I gotta do it all the time. He was cool And I go listen man. I'm a big fan of yours. In fact, I fucking love you I go the reason why I go to big Tony's is because he was being in cheese burrito is fucking the best Oh my god, Lee, they got a bean and cheese burrito with avocado and pico de gallo Oh, that's just a perfect pico de gallo like when you bite into it, you beat the jalapenos. Mm-hmm So jalapenos they cut them just perfectly. It's a science

Science for fat people fat man alert fat man alert fat man alert. I'm sick of this juice Oh, please. Are you killing me with that shit? Just throw the fucking blender out going to pulled which in fact Let me see five jumping jacks. All right. Yeah, do some jumping jacks. It's Monday. Where's dirty woman black Sabbath? Let's do this shit There's a gray down by the way people always ask me Listen to Ozzy on this. This is the real fucking out of me. Kick it, Lee After the jumping jacks Go Lee

Hit it Lee wiggle one judge. Oh shit, but what about the camera? Yeah, we go for the camera Lee What about the jumping jack five job where you're jumping jack? I'll go back to you You got man. There he is. Look at me It's bad motherfucking you please say after when jumping jacks today The next day will be fucking please by the end of the week you'll be doing backflips like jfg sp Yeah, no, it's cool. The shirt. I'm wearing. I have a one and two and a half year. So I'm excited about it I do you think Okay

Are you doing jumping jacks? Let me do the This is a camera angle at only the live listeners get to a Experience, okay, so very quickly guys Today's podcast is brought to you by Ting. Please visit church.ting.com for a $25 service credit Look at those jumping jacks Now you might be asking and if you listen to the Rogan podcast, you know what Ting is, but if you haven't listened It's a it's a great new service

It's a no BS mobile service Ting is a mobile service that makes sense and it's a MV and a reseller of the nationwide Sprint Network Which Joey has had since he's had a cell phone So it's really awesome. I actually went on their website Then they have a couple things you'd like because you're the only person I know who still has a house phone, right? Now, why do you have a house phone? Because my wife don't fucking pick up the cell phone I don't ever want to misunderstand it. There's an emergency. It's got to be a house phone. Okay, and then she needed for the computer I don't fucking know so what Ting has that's really fucking awesome that it adds on like it. It's a

Like how much do you think your your home phone? Let's pretend it's 20 bucks a month. I don't know how much of this What thing has that you can add on to your plan is they have a product that you pull just plug in and it It goes off the Sprint cell towers and you plug your home phone into it And then it's the same bill same service plan and another thing that's fucking awesome Is I don't know who however many people have like Verizon like I have and I pay a hundred and ten dollars a month You can you have to pick a bill and it's like well this plan comes with a Thousand texts and two gigabytes of data and no one uses two fucking gigabytes of data ever

Ting has like let's say you want 500 minutes a hundred texts and four gigs of data or whatever you can mix and match But it's really fucking cool They have a hotspot So if you wanted to go they just added a new 3g 4g ymax hotspot And it's a the Sierra wireless overdrive pro can be had for 30 bucks and it's awesome And you can purchase use devices and you can bring your LTE sprint device now You can bring it over Before the option to bring sprint devices has been around for a while, but no LTE devices were able to make the move

They've been working to have the limitation Lifted and now many LTE sprint devices can make the move Another thing I noticed that was cool on their website like let's say I wanted to move from Verizon They have an option They have a deal with glide and you can sell your fucking old cell phone and make some cash before you before you switch And for you you have sprint you like sprint, right? You never have problems with it So yeah, so again, please visit church.ting.com and you're gonna get a $25 service credit or device discount That was fucking pretty good Lee. See, I don't know but listen guys

I don't know much about these electrons got the iPhone. I love to do two fucking things on it. You know, yeah I use them. I use the voice. I use the the timer, you know, I use the alarm and figure that how to use this stuff This other stuff he's talking about is like Chinese fuck You know ching chong chong music to me. He's talking about gigabytes and megabytes and shit. That's an apartment I gotta give some shout outs. Okay, go for it and fucking shout outs right here Michael Flaherty I love you Dylan Rankin, Tom Joe, Joe Allen Melissa Eva Perez. I love what she said yesterday. She was having a bad day smoking a blunt. That's why I love you Chris Lomeli, Eric McGinnis, Patrick Jordan and Danielle Ashley. I love you dirty bitch

One thing I got to talk about here that I want to give thanks Lee the last three weeks We've gotten eight emails eight About people thanking us for sleep at me really for that podcast that they've gone in they figured out they'd had whatever Clogged up in their things and now they're gonna want a machine and then the way the podcast saved their life We're listening. I didn't know that's great

He went for a sleep study and he had some mouse and he never dreamt of it. You know man listen We fucking all snore To my buddies came to Colorado to Texas and the one guy got a room with the other guy Yeah, they got another room in the middle of night because I couldn't fucking sleep with your boy Be your buddy. Oh Jesus couldn't sleep in the same room. I mean he goes it was it was another plan He don't want to do the mask. He goes I got two different masks and I don't like it. You're gonna fucking die Meanwhile, he's swollen. I grew up with this kid. He's swollen his hands are fucking red You can't continue that shit if you're getting the problem with snoring or you're breathing loud or people are fucking telling

You that they can't sleep in the same house with you. You got a problem. You gotta get the fucking mask You gotta taking care of yeah, the one the one bad thing is you get fat But not only that you get all these other things that you don't fucking know about you could die They're saying now that that it's it's People have sleep apnea get cancer because you have no oxygen to your body That's why I fucking try to do everything yesterday. I got I almost got an anxiety attack working out boy Because sometimes you eat an edible And uh Ari and I had a good conversation about bad trips the other day

How in the 70s people man, I did that I had a bad trip. You're a fucking bad trip You know people who get bad trips are people who are bad fucking trips People who got something sour in their fucking mind because that an edible just Makes whatever listen all drugs make whatever you feel stronger Yeah, you know and with edibles it makes it really fucking strong like you're like wow It's blowing my fucking head off. So sometimes I go to to work out yesterday. I was learning jujitsu And dog they fucking had me by the collar. How how was it yesterday? Oh, it's like a hundred degrees. I'm rolling that hundred degrees My underwear were drenched

You understand me it took my feet an hour to dry. They were like fucking I had to sting on I'm trying to roll You know and I'm learning But I had to get up and take my fucking robe top off and my t-shirt off I was dying and it was anxiety. But after I went through that I was done. I went an end and finished the fucking workout like a soldier Jesus, how many of your stories start with sometimes you're getting edible and What's the Lord's day? You know, I I drove him to the bus to like he wanted to stay till monday morning

And I have a pattern. I have my sundays on my sundays. Yeah My sundays I get back on a plane from 11 meet my wife to run some errands to go to the farmers market I go home and then I answer emails That's why I do every sunday. I do some work around the house. Sometimes I gotta catch an app. Sometimes I catch a workout You know, but I fucking send those emails back After those emails, you know, man, I don't want to do this show on a monday and drag Because if I drag on a monday, that means by wednesday, I'll be dead. Yeah, you can't drag on a fucking monday guys I don't give a fuck what I don't give a fuck what they tell you about sunday nights

Unless let's say you're gonna plan for a sunday night You know, you're gonna go out and do heroin and eat some girls ass and jump up and down and whatever Then saturday you sleep. So, you know that monday all you need is four or five hours and you gotta at least make it because you got You know what i'm saying? Yeah, but to drag on friday to drag on saturday and then to drag on sunday monday, you're gonna be dead monday's your money day Mondays when you're gonna go out there and fucking kick these people in the cunt You only want them to tell them who the captain currently in the prize He's walking around half fucking dead, but you gotta sleep at them for like for a fucking year

So that's what i'm trying to say. So monday nights by 8 30. I want to be beds gotta be in my neighborhood Yeah, that edible. I ate two edibles. Yes, that was fucked up. Jesus. I was seen triple as now We ordered chinese food at eight o'clock Really me and my wife she didn't even smoke though. She just we didn't eat dinner But I was so fucking high at eight o'clock. I had a salad. I stuck to everything. Yes, I did great I even had with watcher points left over because they give you the action points for sunday It starts all over again on sunday. So you get an extra 45 points I haven't eaten in two weeks. What did you have for the chinese food? Sorry?

She ordered pork fried rice with small order and I ordered my gollium beef with my half order Okay, we're a little bit of white rice, but I have to white rice away and I just ate the meat and went to bed Okay, no egg rolls. Huh? No egg rolls. No, there's no egg rolls and I'm new york style So why am I wasting my time with the egg roll? Let me ask you this You know, say you're gonna waste your time with it. Why are you wasting the calories for do they have fucking? I know I shouldn't be eating there, but I haven't had it anyways Do they have fucking chinese food for face out here? That's huge back east and it's fucking great and I haven't seen one No, because why would you want to put yourself in that trick bag? I mean the chinese food out here is

Menza mode. It's a five. Yeah on its best day of the week. Not everything is good at a chinese restaurant I like the pork fried rice might be good But the shrimp and lobster sauce. I had a tea so sweet, but it makes shrimp and lobster sauce Every time I go in there, if not, it's just egg spit. It looks like egg white with shrimps and peas and carrots in it Shrimp fried shrimp pork shrimp and lobster sauce comes with the fucking big prawns The fucking egg drop soup mix in there peas and carrots And you gotta put pieces of pork because the pork is the fucking flavor Oh, yeah, I love my favorite is uh

Dipping egg rolls into the duck sauce and the hot mustard I love that shit, but in boston like I go to root one Yeah, kowloon kowloon My dad's pictures on the wall there if you guys go god, listen the pork fried rice is delicious of kowloon The shrimp and lobster sauce is loaded with pork. They put so much pork in boston. It's brown The shrimp and lobster sauce. It looks like a black guy came. It's fucking brown. Yeah, that's the only kind of ever had so I thought it was brown. It's not delicious the egg rolls at kowloon Delicious, you know what when i'm in kowloon's wait, why just to suck my dick because I go each egg rolls like 10 points

Oh, yeah, they're you eat two egg rolls. You're done. It's like 16 points a piece for an egg They're not sprinkles. They're egg rolls about the ones I took you to in jersey where you took like eight back to your room You didn't think I had eight back tomorrow. Yo, that was a night Oh, this is a story So you're probably to chance dragon in what you've heard of if you know joey and it's fucking he thinks it's amazing And it is amazing was good, but we had it was the end of we had one day to shoot that fucking documentary and we were stressed out and and and we're driving all around and uh joey ran into this kid who he hadn't seen for like 30 years or something probably and uh

We got back to your buddy george's house, and you're like, where the fuck is my bag? and then And then you're like what what what because we had all walked around to talk to that friend And then you like is that chance fucking dragon in and we I've never seen you anyone drive that fast And you're being on the walls being on the windows. So when we got back to the hotel, you're you're like, fuck You're like you were pissed off and what wasn't that bad? Nothing What's fucking some banana bread and your weed license Something but you need that banana bread. I can't believe another round that gets into the rams of the poor china man

But you fucking imagine that shit that motherfucker He'll kill everybody in the Lincoln tunnel that guy crossed lanes and kill everybody with that thought china man on a fucking banana bread That's like, what are you looking at Lee? What are you reading? Nothing What are you reading? Don't make me go over and burn your eyeballs with this cigarette But no that I love those huge egg rolls. Oh, they were great in that place That night was hysterical. Remember the night was talking about when I got stabbed Little richie side down fucking richie side down was fucking crazy, dog

He was the first kid I ever knew that was on add pills back in the 70s They just gave him black beauties and said go for it He would jump off buildings and shit when he was 60 You'd be walking down the street and be jumping off one roof onto the fucking other one Jesus, that's it dog. What else? No, and I'm trying to think so. Where are you this weekend this week? I'm in strong motherfucking island Governors Friday and sat I'm flying in Thursday. I'm doing the arty lang show Oh, yeah, he's a tv show. Yeah, we ain't fucking around. I was gonna ask you I was I saw something

There's like a new club in New York like the stand or something. It's a really small place I don't know. I've just I there's a new climbing club everywhere. Okay, the new ones ever the fire island's got a new one city island Is the hot one somebody called me the other day the new hot club Is in a suburb in Chicago. It's the new hot zanies Okay, yeah, who gives a fuck. You know the hot club is right here the way you wouldn't the one you're working at The one I'm working at right here with my main man the boogeyman the flying Jew Oh, please say at the party's over with this chick tonight. You're gonna call them. We get off and you're gonna go Listen, here's the deal. I talked to my associate

Either you give me that monkey or not no more. No, I'm back. I can't fucking shit drinking coffee with girls You're the flying Jew. You gotta get it together. You gotta find your appearance And you know what I might and fucking I know for relax. Hold on. I'm losing weight Well, like 95% of it is girls. I'm being honest. Although it wasn't if it wasn't for girls Fuck it. But you don't give a fuck about sending that couch and rotten to death. I'm being 500 pounds and scratching your little Jew balls Nope It's nipping your fingers if I could work from home If I could work from home and there weren't and like no sex drive. Fuck it. Yeah, I would have um many times a day

You bang when I a day Yeah Between one and two That's what you 24. That's about the right. Yeah, but uh, you should be doing six Your eyes should be bulging out of your fucking Jesus Christ when that Ashley was staying here I would have been sniffing on the way it's coming on on the way I would have sniffed a little jizz just on her underwear and left it there So you could she would have gotten in her system through fucking laundry or whatever through Osmosis

Do you know what we're like? It's funny that we were there were friends because I'm like I couldn't be more on but like I Every time I go to a movie and I see like a kid's preview I can't I can't wait to have kids I'm I want to have the money to do it But I can't wait and I like I know I don't want to have like I've had one night stands Like I like you you joke run. Are you are you gay? Just tell me are you getting like no fucking relax?

I don't give a I've had plenty. Oh, yeah, but stop fucking put me. I've had plenty of one. I'm sure for you getting pussy No, but I'm not I don't like that. I don't dance with a batman suit on You want me to drop you off in Santa Monica with a little rattle on the fucking spoon? With a rattle. Fuck you. No, but look, I'm like I like being in a really like I I like you do everybody wants So I don't want to leave. Do you think when you're fucking America sits there at night? Do you think when they sit there watch tv at night? You think you sit there and ask yourself? Why there's 22 match comms commercials? How come that Harvey homo old guy comes on? I sell the people through personally. I mean, you think that you think there's not it's not a billion dollar industry

Everybody wants to fall in love. Yeah, everybody wants to fucking You know hold hands and jump through the fucking bushes and and I understand but I'm not I'm not gonna go to someone And and and if I if I call the girl you like her when she was staying here You got a crush on her. No, but you fell in love with her while she was staying here. Don't tell me Okay, I've seen you when you she's around your eyes are rolling your head. It's like you're looking at the new iphone You get all nervous Because you whack off on the iphone box. I know guys like you I have tv's

And you whack off look at the iphone because you like technology. Oh look at the iphone saying fuck off So you like this girl right there when she was staying on the couch. I would have been working I would have been rubbing her feet Bringing the rags bringing the flowers I would have been working and now she lives in Northridge and now you decide you're in love and now you gotta hang out with her and Bruce Lee Every time you go out Bruce Lee ain't giving you peace and this girl ain't giving you peace not even looking because you left them into friend zone

I'm I'm just goofing on you. I like you. You know a nice guy. I don't want you to be nobody's sucker You want to be that guy to bar with two chicks to the hot? Look at that like a fucking Momo That's all I'm trying to say. I don't feel like I'm a sucker and I don't Fucking you know, you feel like a sucker. No, I don't and I fucking I've tried before I've I've hung out with girls and tried to do like the fucking like the a you want to have a threesome with them With them. No, but what what is wrong with you? Let me let me focus on getting one girl Yeah, you can't have me get a threesome. You're done with actually. It's over. Do you want a threesome? No, you don't want to

I'm 50. I'm in no day. I was 20. I want to freeze. I couldn't do that. If I said I would So like if I said I'm gonna I'm gonna eat your monkey and pick you up by the hoof Like you told me to say girls would fucking laugh. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm just I'm not you're a fucking elite Let's break this down. What you're 24. Yeah, you got a big dick. Yeah, you Holy shit, and you're Jewish. You're Israeli. It's in your blood to just pick women up and throw a rock at them Fucking fuck them and leave them there for blood and dirt. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying you're not you're a sweet guy I don't want you out with two chicks drinking and fucking around. All right Just you're part of the church of what's happening. You're a soldier

Yeah, the world's getting colder. Baby. Let me hold you. You understand me I don't want you out there giggling with two chicks because then people see and that reflects on the whole church You're a pastor. You're a dean. You're a deacon You got to be out there getting your flock. You think that you think you think that jim jones will be out drinking with two Fuck no, I don't want to be jim jones That's the worst that's the worst fucking example What's a bad analogy you want to be dating a 14 year old and spend the rest of your life in jail What the fuck what jim jones didn't molest no people he fucked everybody

He fucked old people black people white people. You know, my point is I can't have this Savages don't hang out with girls You're right. That's it. We'll see what happens. You're my boy. This should have been taken care of a month ago This should have been taken. She should be over here once a week rubbing your feet and I would have fucking brother and his friend Wait, let go get coffee solo. Don't come down here with your buddy or your creepy fucking you call a plane Say I don't ever want to see your creepy fucking brother again. All right I like a brother

You just told me he's a fucking half a schmuck. No, I didn't I said I said one time in fucking olive garden. We waited a while But you know people listen to this. I know this is just us talking I know they fucking listen to this. That's why it's like a little therapy session This is what I'm trying to help you out of your week. I'm sorry. Get it together. You know, I love you I care about you. I don't want you, you know, and then last night you're at the great gatsby What fucking church of what's happening now gangsta? Go to see the great gangster the great guy. I'm sorry the great gatsby with two brats You know, let me know

Right fucking now if you want to see the great gatsby two girls and you didn't have a threesome hit me up on twitter right now I'll send you whatever the fuck you want. You understand. I'm trying to say don't don't let it happen again Lee you're killing me. I'll try if you're gonna be a church of what's happening now gangsta If not, we'll sign you up for one of these other little podcasts and you can wear pink shoes And sit with girls and talk to them whatever the same fucking friends and the same jennifer hannah. So they've health benefits I don't know what they fucking got anymore Why are you looking for health benefits? Well, I mean if I got why do you need health benefits? You're not gonna get vd Why do you need a fancy suit for you got no job to wear it to charlie?

You're not gonna get vd. You're not gonna get chlamydia. You're not gonna get gonorrhea I don't want any of these things. You know what arie's doing right now What he's shooting penicillin his dick in new york right now Well, he's got blood coming out of him and you know why because he's out there stabbing bitches You think arie goes to a movie call arie right now. I think he does go to a movie by himself No with two girls sitting in the middle giggling Ask him you want me to call Fucking judas his nephew

No, I'm gonna call punches his pilot nephew Well, I don't want to shoot needles into my dick. So anyway, I'll leave that to him enough Enough I got a fucking I got a great fucking statement for you right this was said by john lennon being honest may not get you many friends But it'll always get you the right ones I'm gonna like that that again Being honest may not get you many friends, but it'll always get you the right motherfuckers around you That's why we do what we fucking do here at the church of what's happening now

We lie to nobody we sling dick. We don't run down and fuck one of them We walk down and fuck them all you understand me So today's monday get out there be yourself. Don't let nobody trick you with stupidity Don't be a fucking sucker for nobody Tell them what to fuck you look straight ahead mind your fucking business and put your nose to the grindstone It all starts today motherfucker. You didn't quit smoking. You didn't do the diet You ate a donor who gives a fuck you got another shot today go out there Be a fucking savage. You got arrested something happened four years ago

Who gives a fuck it's a new day get out there. You think I worry about kid I don't give a fuck about ken bella or kidnapping him one of that bullshit That was 20 fucking years ago fix your fucking clocks wake up roll a joint do a jumping jack like me and leon get out there Strangle somebody get a one at who needs the paper cock sucker go to honic.com See what they got. Let me tell you what they got. They got immune. They got alpha brain, which is on fire They got this new 180 by fucking alpha brain tremendous I tried it. I only take one of the time it comes in little packages. You put them right there with your fucking water. Look at that It's like one of those little energy drinks. It's got the best alpha brain

It's got the best of immune. It's got the best of new mood You know that podcast I did that people really like the live one. Yeah the second little bird crash You know why I was on fire so crazy Why because I took two moods and I smoked some fucking pot. Jesus the next one. I'm gonna take like eight new moods I'm gonna buy them out everybody. Fuck will I am Fuck sucker hemp force. You don't need to get in the protein shake no more. It's delicious That's what I have a breakfast with a banana fucking tremendous. You don't need that no more You get the hemp force chocolate. Uh, the kai bar the protein bars

How many grams of protein leaves on the box? Let's fucking see the front They got 10 grams of protein and three grams of fiber. There you go There you go. You'll be shitting you do one of those with a coffee like I did the other that is shit at the fucking airport You ever shit at the fucking airport? You gotta walk into a tornado of assholes It's the fucking worst of men's bathroom. Who goes to shit at the fucking airport I'm gonna find that investigating fucking minds one another. Now. Let me see what you think about this Fucking guys while there's guys shitting the guys brushing their teeth or shaving at the airport bathroom Would you ever do that?

They're disgusting. They're disgusting Disgusting that's fucking disgusting shaving smelling other people's ass In a for you, it's like a fucking hurricane of ass. It's like 20 different types of ass You're walking through a bathroom covering your face You got to walk up blocking with a gas mask or something like that And that's a bad because when you're sitting on the airplane for six hours and you ate whatever you ate at the airport Which is terrible. That's bad kind of shit. I hate not shitting leaving the house. Yo 529 we're at the ice house for a live podcast. I didn't want to tell you motherfuckers with a guest guest

plural go to six two six five seven seven eighteen ninety four Ten dollar tickets on a wednesday night to see a live podcast myself my main man the baddest jew fucking working Unless he does what he did this weekend again And beside that go to joey dears dot net. I just met with jr fucking thursday I love jr. I got to call that cop black cock sucker. I love him down in arizona jr's doing a lot of things He's handling my shirts. He's handling arie shirt jr's doing a tremendous job. You need a shirt. You need a fucking hoodie You go to joey dears dot net jr. I'll fucking take care of you

I got an email and some guy from australia or something didn't get his stuff I fucking sent to jr with the next day jr. I had fucking everything taken care of I was so proud of We don't fuck around here. You got a problem with us. You fucking send it and we'll take care of that fucking problem A cd a documentary you bought, you know Documentary is still alive and kicking a lot of people aren't going to it But we go in spurts like people go to it and then I get questions and people want to put in film festivals Yeah, let's see what the fuck happens this year But the documentary is still on uh, what is it amazon amazon and something else payloads payloads payloads dot com not regular loads payloads

And beside that like I said, it's monday. Have a fucking great day Uh, people always ask me what inspires me my fucking cousin from cuba sent me a video this morning of her Trying to sing in english. Let me tell you something my cousin in cuba I went to canthers with her and I heard this thing stay away to heaven and I Never ever will forget that in my casket Because she showed me the appreciation for the english language that we overlook She showed me the appreciation for the music that we take for granted And every time I look at her every time, you know, I'm tight with her and her brother

But I'm tighter with my cousin when we sat that dinner that day of my wife I felt something and I looked at this song this morning and it reminded me of who the fuck I am this bitch is unstoppable Hit it lee cock sucker. Get out there fucking stab somebody lee. I love you. I love you Don't fuck around. I leave reefer here. You don't smoke. No, I leave you joints here This is so you can take that little chinese girl and blow this in the rest And make some ching ching juice We're so high bro here at the church. What's happening now people emailing lee for saying jesus. Oh, that was crazy We'll talk about that one thing

Bye guys, love you Catching my my nice Tane white wake Lizzy unclear My question inside And so now I know Just what I am So now ask me

What I want And now I can answer you Nobody knows how long the love lasts. All I know is how to be here now That's all these features And memory Ask me What I want Now I can answer you