Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 05/27/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #83

Episode Date: May 28, 2013

Nick Turturro, from The Longest Yard, Blue Bloods and many more tv shows and movies calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 05/27/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now, my listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Let's get this fucking party started. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. At least Syap playing the fucking piano with his toes. I like it. Here you go, motherfucker. It's Monday. Oh, oh, shit. The Flying Jew, Joey Diaz, the church of what's happening now. Been drinking for four hours. Drinking. He don't know that the fucking velvet hammer is about to land on his fucking head.

Hit it, Lee. Gonna paint this town black and paint this stuff. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up, jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, get some fucking corn flakes, whatever the fuck you're into today. It's a beautiful day. Memorial shot out to all the motherfuckers that made this possible for us to walk around and smoke pot and walk around and sling dick and do what the fuck we do. Quickly, let's do it. A little fucking national anthem. Get up, you cock-suckers. It's the best goddamn fucking country. Where's the musically? The best, strongest, baddest motherfucking country in the goddamn world. And you're sitting there in memorial day, eating a hot dog, fucking eating a hamburger like I'm Mama Luke. Get a gun, cock-sucker.

Go shoot somebody. We'll take them up to 170 and drop them there if you're gonna kill somebody. You gotta drop them off on the 170 by Sherman Way. You know that, right? I used to live right there. Oh, please. I got about three bodies up there. The chick that's just sitting there with a hand sticking up right now with leaves growing around it. Jesus. Get up, smoke a number. Kiss your kids. Kiss your parents. Be proud to be a fucking American, motherfuckers. People come over here by boat, playing fucking mountains. They come here on sleds. They don't give a fuck. Canadians sneak in. Mexicans sneak in. Black everybody's fucking sneaking in. You know why? Because we're that fucking bad to the motherfucking bone. And you're sitting there,

I don't know what I'm gonna do. She wants to be my friend. Get up by the fucking head and tell her, you're an American. Suck my dick. Suck it. That's what it means to be a fucking American. You're sucking my dick on a daily basis. And you get to control the fucking blow job. Who's better than you? You're a fucking American, cocksucker. I'm telling you, I'm fucking fired up. Where's the goddamn fucking Cheebo chews? Look at this for you, motherfuckers at home, just so know. Just so you know, I ain't fucking around. I ain't no more. I got a quad. Look, I got cat hair in this motherfucker. I'm allergic to cats. Check the fuck out, guys. Where is this? I can't see. Deck of dose. You see that, motherfuckers? I'm gonna give my man, my son, my one of my favorite

people in the world. Look at this. I'm gonna give him the quad dose. I'm not eating the whole fucking thing. You're eating the whole fucking thing, cocksucker. Fuck you. I'm taking the piece, you usually give me, and I'm high for 10 hours. I'm taking the piece, you usually give me. What do you got going on today? Fucking going to sleep. Yeah, going to sleep. Look at this, the deck of chew. Look at this shit. And Jesus ain't blessing this. Jesus Christ. And I'm gonna eat one and a half just to prove to you. I'm a fucking savage. 10 o'clock. I got a ton of shit to do to it. You're constantly high. You called me at midnight last night, and I can always tell when you're high because you talk like you look, uh, what's up, man? You're ready for tomorrow.

Like, you look really quiet. I don't think you know you're on the phone. Fucking stab. Yeah, quickly. I have two cousins in the Air Force. Thank you guys. And they both went to like Afghanistan twice. So thank you guys so much. Here you go. So how is Vegas? Vegas was tremendous. Here you go. This little piece. How's that? Fuck you. Is that good right there? Look at, look at, he's crying already. Fuck you. Fuck you. Look at him. Eat that little piece. I'm going to eat the big fucking piece because I'm a savage. What are you going with that? I'm going to do it right here. I'm going to eat it right in front of the camera. This guy's a half a fruit and he'll fucking drop it somewhere. Look at him.

Fuck me in the ass. I'm putting it right here so I can put the headphones on. I'm watching you, Cuck Sucker. And people at home watch him because he's lazy. Look at this The THC juice is leaking out of the fucking thing and you got to chew it because it goes through your mouth into your bloodstream, Cuck Sucker. No, no, you can't down it. You got to chew it. No, you got to chew it. That's the whole point of it. Trust me. That's why that that THC blood is right up here on top. What are you shitting about? Come on. This is what made me puke that one time. I ate breakfast. No, I ate a lot. I had some leftover burgers and hot dogs. How many? One burger and two hot dogs. Did you put them in the juicer? Fuck you. No, I'm starting that again.

I hit 70 pounds on Friday. So 70 pounds. Yeah. So how many did you gain over the week? How many hamburgers? Only three. You can go check right now. How many fucking hamburgers we go? All right, let's go eat this. Let's go. You ready? You ready? Yeah, look, look. Oh, fucking Christ. Chew it. Chew it. Fuck you about chewing that. Chew it. You got to chew it. Ah, it goes into your mouth like it's like a pubic hair. You ever chew it on a pubic hair? No, I don't chew on pubic hair. Why now? Because it's gross. A chick's pubic hair is not gross. Yes, it is. I mean, if you're eating Liberace's ass, that's like, I'm not like, I don't care. It doesn't have to be completely shaved. That doesn't bother me, but I'm not going to fucking chew on it. So let's say a pubic hair just happens

to fall into your mola. It just happens to fall. Yeah, that's fine. What are you going to do? You just throw it away. You're going to pull it out with a toothpick. You fucking put it in your glove like you're chewing tobacco. Oh, Jesus. I don't know how to respond to that. That's fucking weird. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. That's how you respond to that cock sucker. How was your weekend? It was fucking great. You went to La Jolla. You played a big shot. And well, I just want to say, if anyone's listening, someone bought me my friend's drinks and thank you so much. I wish you guys had come and said hi or something. That really meant a lot. It's kind of crazy. I was thinking about it because I kind of live in a bubble. Like I go to work and I see you,

but I don't really like I'm not going on tour or anything. So it doesn't really affect me that much. But everyone's so fucking cool. And it just when you did that, it really meant a lot. So thank you. It's a one or new realm of coolness. Yeah, people understand us winners. I had a great time in Vegas. I flew in, you know, I knew people on the fucking plane. People said hello. Some guy at the airport. Yes, they walked up to me with the phone while he was listening to the podcast. Oh, really? Talking about weed or something. His dad. So I appreciate you. I mean, it's made life more enjoyable. We have a we have a home now. Yeah, where we go, we have a fucking home. There's always one person who'll come over and talk to us and be real cool. And

you know, smoke weed with you. The fucking UFC was great. Oh, yeah. The fights were great. I got to see Rick's story. I walked in. I was telling Lee what happened. I'm fucking amazing. All right. So I used to work in Vegas years ago. You know, we all did as a comics, whatever, and you fly in and you see that the worst part about Vegas is the fucking traffic at the airport. Oh, yeah. When you go to get a cab and you have to wait like here you are excited. You're playing landed. You got netable in your your luggage is fucking quick. There's a million fucking people and you're walking through these loopy loop chains, right? They make you go all the way down and all the way back. So you've already burnt a thousand fucking calories. You're already hungry. You're waiting

for that sandwich at the MGM Grand you like or Wolfgang Pucks or Kraftsteak or whatever the fuck restaurant you like in Vegas. And now you got this fucking cab line. So I hate it. So I usually get some friends to pick me up. Yeah. So my friend picked me up in this fucking truck. The whole thing we're having a great time. We go eat some Cuban food. I get back at me. I'm ready to meet Duncan. He's got my ticket. I get and I'm flying. I'm a fucking edible. Because when do you have it? Because it's like an hour flight. So it's probably just hitting you when you got there. So I took the edible at the weed store as I was walking. I went to the weed store, got it, went right to the airport. But at the time I got to now I'm the plane. I'm thinking about

this this plane to get bombed by a terrorist. I'm going to fucking Vegas for no reason to watch a stupid fight. I could watch it at home while I'm flying. I'm getting all these paranoid thoughts. I land in fucking Vegas and we go eat Cuban food. We have a great time. You called and I was on another call with a buddy of mine in New Jersey asking me stupid questions about the fight and who you wanted to bet. I fucking get out of his truck as he hugs me and say goodbye. I walk into the MGM grant and online. I go where's my phone? I don't have my phone. I gotta tell you the anxiety just rushed to my head. I thought I was gonna pass out. I had to walk outside and fucking breathe. You thought you were gonna pass out? Oh, I had to start doing our he's like

because it's just between the edible. Yeah. I didn't take a Chibo chew at that point. I had three Chibo chews in my fucking bag. I bought three of them on three meat. One and a half of me and Duncan. You know, we don't fuck around. So I call Duncan. He comes down, brings me a ticket. I tell him I lose my phone. I go upstairs. I don't know what the fuck to do. He's like, call Sprint. I tell Sprint the fucking story. And this is how good Sprint is. I've been with Sprint for fucking 10 years now. Right after the Spider-Man 2, that check, that's what I went and got. Okay. And I had bad credits. So they only would give me a $200 limit. So if my phone bill would be $200 and 36 cents, they would turn it off. Oh, really? I'd have to go down there. So I

hated Sprint, but I was in a contract with him. What am I going to do? Keep bouncing around like everybody else? That becomes a fucking pain. Oh, it does. Yeah. You take a service and you make the best of what they have to offer or work for you. I've always loved Sprint for one reason. My phone rings on the plane. Oh, it does? You know, before I touched down, yeah, I forgot I had my phone in my pocket and I forgot to shut it off. And five minutes before it landed, the phone was ringing because Duncan, now, if I went to answer, it wouldn't go through. But just the fact that it was ringing, and I was a couple of thousand feet up in the fucking air, it's got to tell you, it's only failed me one time Sprint in 10 years. It was when I was in

Tennessee the first time. They didn't have satellites out there yet. Well, your wife's family lives in like the fucking hell. So the beauty of it was I went upstairs. I'm high. I'm confused. You know, I'm thinking about Monday now instead of fucking enjoying my day, I got to go to fucking Sprint and Laurel Canyon and get another fucking phone. And now I'm thinking about the people I got to call and all this shit's running through your mind. I didn't go to the MMA Chunky thing. Oh, no. So what I went to Vegas for, yeah, because I'm in my room. I don't even have George's number. Oh, I forgot what a fucking convention was. I don't know what a fuck shit is. Yeah, because it was a different place. When you tell me on Monday, like I said, I think about Friday

on Friday. On Monday, if you start telling me, write this down, I'm not going to write a fucking down. And that's what happens. Those are the fucking mishaps. Yeah. So I didn't know what to do. So I'm sitting in my room. I got to meet Duncan downstairs at six. I figure I'm going to open Mario finds the fucking phone and drops it off. And my wife, the genius goes, call Sprint. Maybe they can figure it out for you. Yeah, because you have an iPhone and they have something like find your iPhone so they can know where it is. Right away. They found it right away. They said it's up here. Who do you know? I said that I called him at 156. Yeah, because I remember when the plane landed, I looked at it and I called. They took the number. They said, we cannot give you

the number. We could call that person. They fucking call the person. Person answered, called me back and I had my phone. I picked it up after the fight. I mean, it was a little late, but I still picked it the fuck up. Yeah. And that's scary because I mean, especially when you're not like you're like, it's not like your wife can come pick you up or something. Any time you lose your fucking phone in today's world, it sucks because now I know my home number. Yeah. I know my wife's cell number. I don't know your number, Lee. Yeah. I wrote it down a couple weeks ago at home. But again, I'm not home. Yeah. This is if I lose myself. So kudos to fucking Sprint for putting it together for me for saving my ass in Las Vegas. I felt bad and make it to the MMA

Junkie reunion. But there's always next year. I did go. That's the main reason I went to Vegas. Yeah. You know, the fights were great. I always have a great time with Duncan. We got fucked up. What do you do? What do you do? We had all those chibotudes and everything. Oh, we were fucked up by the time I walked out of there. And some people were freaking me out, Duncan, in Vegas. No, I didn't get to see it. But were you there for that first fight with all that blood? No, I did not. I did not see that. I walked in. There was a puddle of blood. They were fucking sweeping, burning incense. I didn't have blood smell so bad. They were burning incense and shit. There were great fights. I mean, Rick's Dory against my man was great.

Cowboy Seroni against KJ Noons was great. It was great talking to him. I didn't get to see Mike Pyle. The only people I got to see afterward were like Ed Suarez and Chuck Ladello's old trainer. Yeah. The guy that owns the pit, his son was fighting on Sunday. Anderson's fighting scene, isn't he? July the 4th. I will be there at the Pearl, at the Palms or something. We're going to be at the theater there. But it's really nice to go. But I'll tell you one thing about Vegas. It was empty. Really? You know, the economy. Yeah, people are lying. You know how empty that... Oh, that's what really pissed me off when I got to the airport? What? There was 10 people waiting on the line for a cab. Oh, okay. 10 people. I would have got a cab in two seconds.

See, like, I'm Jewish, so I go and I take, I wait 20 minutes for those stupid shuttles that go to every single thing on the strip. Oh, Jesus Christ. It costs like 30, 40 bucks for a cab and for that thing. 20 bucks for a cab to get to your room on time, efficiently, with no fucking drama. And you don't have to feel like a Puerto Rican. 20 fucking dollars. 20 dollars that you spend on McDonald's and those burgers yesterday. Yeah, exactly. Think about these little fucking things. How was your weekend? So you went down, you watched Red Band. Red Band and John Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana was beautiful. Oh, yeah, they were all great. Beautiful. Red Band was very funny. He did some new stuff. Listen to me, bro.

Red Band's a good guy. Yeah. Let me tell you something about Red Band. He knows that the stand-up shit requires work now. And he's doing it. Yeah, he gets out. He gets out. It was like he did a get set. He was the opening act. He did like 15, 20 minutes. It was awesome. Hinchcliffe was hilarious. There was a guy in a flannel shirt and he made a joke like what did you work for the railroad? And the guy did and he was sitting there with his mistress and the guy was like, and Tony was like, is this your wife? And the girl goes, they were like 65. And the girl goes, his wife's at home. And they went bananas. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. The lawyer's a fun comedy club. Oh, yeah, it's fun. And then we went to Don Carlos right down the

street. That burrito place. Delicious. Yeah, I was pissed off because I called too. I called, we left at like 545-6. And I called because they don't have a time they close. And when I called, he said they were closing at 8. And I was like, fuck. So I took the HOV lane on the whole way there. And luckily we got that 8.15. I thought they were going to be closed, but they were open. Don. Don Carlos. But yeah, that place is fucking awesome. Mike Maxwell was there. Mike Maxwell was a good man. I'm going to have Mike Maxwell calling soon. You know, it's funny because I'm not a whatever guy. I'm the other side. I'm the PB beach guy, Rosa or whatever. Okay. You ever go to do that room with me on a Tuesday night in San Diego? There's a

room on Pacific Beach. No, there's a room on Pacific Beach. Okay. I'm right around the corner. This is a little Mexican place. Me and Rogan been going there. All of us. Ari Ari loves it. You know, because it's close to the condo. Yeah. It's real close to the condo. But the best thing they have is the carnitas. Oh, my God. But they got a bean and beef, bean and cheese burrito. Yeah. That'll make your asshole just blow it out. Just blow it out. So what's going on with the brood? That's it. You're on friends now. Yeah, we're friends, but it's just love. I mean, I don't want to say I don't want to fuck her. Yeah. Don't you sure? Sure. Her ass looks good in those jeans, don't it? Yeah, of course.

But it's just like, I'm at a point where like, I think I'm old, but then you realize like, you're kind of like I'm an idiot. Like I like, you think you are like, I like, I'm getting to a point like when I was young, I thought 24 almost 25 was old. And like, I realized I'm like a fucking idiot. And I, I've gotten into this thing with more than one girl where I, I'm nice. And I just end up being a friend and I just, because I sound like a retard, I think when I try to be, when I try to be mean or not even mean, but just like assertive, I guess would be the word. And I just, I have to start doing it because it's just, I don't need friends anymore. I like the ones I have, but I just, I can't, it's a, it's, it's, it's like soul crushing when you're like

your friends with, and I have a couple, I have like one or two girls who are friends who I legitimately don't want to have sex with, but 98% of any guy who's friends with a girl, he's in love with her. It just, it's the way it is. It's, it's how we work. And it's just, I can't do it anymore. Well, it's funny. When I was young, when I was before 25, 26, any friend I would have, yeah, and I was somewhere I wanted to fuck her. But I never got a let to, I was such a horn dog. I would have never let it get to that point. And then as I got older, you realize that women are great to have as friends as a bond. I love when a woman tells me she's married. Oh really?

I love when I tell a woman I'm married. Because it cuts it off? Yeah. I love when I tell a woman that I'm dating when I live with my girlfriend. I love it because that shield gets broken. Yeah. You know, that's why the most pussy you ever get is put on a wedding band. Oh really? That does, that does work? All the dirty whores come out.

No, I wanted to ask you something because I always have been thinking about it even before I started losing weight. But like the main issue I have is I feel like I'm confident, but not many chicks like heavy guys. But like Terry's beautiful and you were a hundred pounds heavier and you got her. Like how do you get like that's like that's a biggest hiccup I have in my brain. It's like who's going to want to date a fat guy? But it's just there's girls who like it and there's girls who don't care about it. Just There's some heavy women that are beautiful. Oh no, I love, I prefer it.

I don't know, Cole Smith was a hundred and two hundred pounds you would eat her at. Oh yeah. Beautiful. Same thing with guys. Yeah. Listen man, it's confidence. Woman wants a man that's confident. Yeah. I've never been confident. I have something different that works for me. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You understand me? I don't, I stopped giving a fuck

when I was 16 and it always worked for me. Yeah. I, well I thought somebody was not going to understand. No, I'm pretty much the last part of that. And it's very weird that, you know, you said something last month and I think a lot of people a couple of weeks ago or whatever I'm on, a lot of people are living in the same show. I fucking hated it. Yeah.

I myself hated getting dressed on a Friday and Saturday and going out and looking for a woman. Yeah. Especially looking for a woman of my dreams. I fucking hated it. You know how old I was when I realized I hated it? 20. You know what I was going to say? There was no way that was my world.

When I went out it was to get fucked up. It was to get beers, put a quail root in me and get fucked up. At the other night a pussy popped out, pussy popped out. The guys I hung with had the same state of mind and they were good looking. So it always helped my cause. They didn't go out for pussy. They were in creepy people. I don't like hanging around with creepy guys that their whole life is surrounded by pussy.

Exactly. I never liked that, but I like guys that like women. I'm not like liking a woman and talking to a woman and goofing around and then we're falls. I went on a road with a comic once and I watched him go from girl to girl to ask him to dance. I mean, it was the pukiest fucking thing I'd ever seen in my life. But then the guy will come to you on the plane home and tell you how he sang going. He's 48 and you see why.

Because he looks like a fucking child molester and he acted like a child molester. You can't go to every room. You know, I know guys that are adults. In Vegas, Joe has a friend that every time we go out, he's like, Hey man, I got that girl's number. For what? You're broke. You're broke.

This is Vegas. She's sitting over there with six fucking women. You're going to go in between those six women and think you're going to fuck that chick and take her home. Those are six chicks. You got to beat off them. You understand me? There's scenarios that work and there's scenarios that don't work. I've never in my heart believed that you wanted me to a woman in a bar because you're taking home pure garbage.

A bar for me. Look, I grew up in a fucking bar. My mother had a bar. So by the age of eight or seven, I had made something in my mind up that the people that hang out in this place. And I loved them. But I knew what they were about were garbage. These are not people that you ever see those bar movies, having a great time on the holidays. They all come in and that was not my life.

And then on Sundays, they all go see, you know, whatever, Jimmy Buffett with a fucking puppet head on. That's okay. If that's what you're into, God bless you. But it just wasn't going to work for me. I don't want to meet. I don't even want nobody to meet at a bar in an association with my life. It was the weirdest fucking thing. Because I could go out and get the drunk girl at the end of the night and have sex.

But my favorite part, and I think it's your favorite part too, because you give up money for it. You come home. You don't do Sunday shows because you like going to the farmers market with your wife. Like that's my, like that's my, like I like, like sex is awesome. But like that's like that part is like the part I like. So that's why I keep looking for like a girl to actually date. Man, we all, by a certain age, at 18, I was ready to get married, but I was ready for a girl to save me. Yeah.

I wasn't ready to save a woman or save myself. I was looking for a woman to save me. You know, I was ready to give up. That's why when I had my daughter, it was easy for me. I was content with my life. Not my ex-wife became something else and we got divorced and we got separate. But at that age, you're ready. I knew for me that I did not want to be at a bar picking up people.

But the big question in society is where do you meet a woman? Hey, I want you guys to write this fucking down and remember this. From October of 84 to probably June of 85. I didn't have sex one year. Yeah. Just didn't. Just couldn't get lucky. Couldn't meet somebody.

Not the best looking guy in the world. I always knew that, you know, but something, you know, and I learned a lot about myself in that time. I also learned how lonely I was. You realize how lonely you are. This is way before comedy. This is way before anything. I was involved in crime and that's why I live for crime and drugs and going out and getting fucked up. And if a girl did happen to fall into it and I'll tell you what, you never know when love is going to show up.

Nobody knows. Nobody fucking knows when love is going to show up and how it's going to show up. But it's never showed up to me. Nobody in my 50 years, nobody I've ever met in a fucking bar has ever been any good. And that's in any category of life to fulfill that thing. It's a bar relationship. Yeah. It's two people in a bar.

You have a drink with a girl and also you're an Alki and she's an Alki. That relationship never fucking works. Two Alki's never fucking works. A coke head and an Alki maybe because opposite to track, a heroin head and a reefer head. Terry would love to have a drink, but she knows it doesn't work for her. Terry doesn't like marijuana at all. Terry doesn't even like marijuana in the house. She tolerates it because she loves me.

I keep it out of her way. I never push it on her. I don't blow smoke in her face. I don't have a weed poster on my wall. I don't have a weed shirt on. She tolerates. I don't throw it in her fucking face. Yeah.

I do it behind closed doors in my own home. She smells it and she'll close the fucking door and open the window in the room and put the fan out. We suck it up, but that's special. Yeah. You know, I don't ever want a woman to become me. That's why I stayed with Terry. Yeah. You ever see a girl announcing your date and announcing a month later she's into the UFC

and she's jumping up and down the UFC. And then you take her to a party and she starts talking about the UFC. It's kind of fucking embarrassing that she's a billy goat of a wife or you have a girl for the next thing you know, you like fucking riding your bike. So she buys a bike and she buys that stupid headgear with the tight pants. And there's guys who do it too. And there's guys who do it. That shit tells me to fuck up.

You know, I know you want to be a part of somebody's life, but you also have to have some difference. That's what makes the life so special. Yeah. You know, Terry hated, I've Terry loved yoga for years. I fucking hated yoga. She turned me on to what I go, I use it as a stretch. Yeah.

But I hate it going to the same class with her. It's kind of gay. We did it as a date night later on. Yeah. You know, I met great people at the gym. You always got a good piece of ass at the gym. And I told you that for years. That's a great, it's where you least expected that you're going to meet the person that you

fucking dream. It could be a laundry room. And it's so weird, you know, when the fuck it happens. Yeah. It's so special, you know. And what do you think, you're the only person who's shy in a bar or whatever. Like I said, I hate going to women talking to them in bars. I look for victims.

I see a woman who's just as much as a freak as I am. I could tell, I could smell them out. Yeah. You know, the same thing who's looking for the same thing you're looking at. And then you, you go out and you start having relationships and you see what type of people are out there and the shit that they're doing. And that turns you off too. Yeah.

You see people who are in a marriage and now they're out there fucking and sucking. And they're going home to their husbands or their wives. And that turns me to fuck off too. You know, it's cute for a moment. It's cute to get your dick sucked by somebody's wife, but then they leave and that's somebody's fucking wife or somebody's husband or somebody's something, you know. Yeah, of course. And know what?

Something's weird, something weird. Cause I dated this girl back in Boston for like, off and on for like two years. And it's embarrassing. Well, not embarrassing, but she had some stuff happen and we never had sex. But we dated for that long and the thing that I figured out was she was like, she's me, essentially. So we like, we, we should be best friends, but that doesn't always work. Like she was like, we were, we liked the same things.

We did the same things. But like when you start dating, you like date people who are friends because you get along. And then you also like, you feel bad, like you don't want to break up with someone and hurt them. But like just because you get along with someone doesn't mean you have to date them. And it, you know, the people don't have to do bad shit to you to break up. And it took me, it took me a while to get used to cause I stayed with her. I've stayed with a bunch of people for months too long and people probably stayed with me for too long. And it's something weird that you learn when, when, like I've learned so far when I've been younger.

I know one thing for sure. I know you have to take care of yourself. Yeah. And you have to look at your back and you're a sweetheart of a guy. You're 24 and you always say, no, I want them to be my friends. Look a dog. The girl stay with you here, whatever, you know, you didn't put your dick in your mouth. That's my fucking whatever advice to you.

And then I knew once she was here, I could tell you was starting to like her. Yeah. I could tell you were getting defensive. And then now you're at the zone where you're a friend zone. You're not going anywhere. No. You know, she's dating. Yeah.

You know, she's dating and she told you and it kind of threw you the fuck off and not even throws you the fuck off worse because you know what? Here I am. You stay here for free with friends. I drive. We have a good time. You can't suck my dick. You gotta suck some strangers fucking dick.

This is the way we think of guys ladies. This is the way we fucking think. Yeah. You know, you're sucking fucking everybody else's dick. You can't even throw over and give me a little dick sucking just to keep me alive for a few weeks. Just to keep my mind fuck alive and tuned. And I'll keep doing that. That's a smart girl.

That's like a loan shark. You know what I'm saying? That's like a fucking loan shark who loans you a hundred thousand dollars. He says, I don't want my hundred thousand dollars. All I want is three points a week. That's it. Just a little bit every week. And we'll keep doing this.

I won't even ask you for the fucking money. This is the same thing. I had the same thing happen to me. We're friends. And also she's sucking fucking these dirty comedians dicks. I'm like, hey, Doug, I'm right fucking here. I'm the one that drives you doing this and it hurts. And one day you have to step up and then they realize it that no one know fun.

And women have to realize that in life, especially out here. This is the major leagues of people using people. This is the major leagues of a 50 year old guy leaving his fucking wife for some 20 year old with fake tits. And by this is the forefront of cheating. This is the fourth. This is the place where the biggest fucking pigs exist. Oh, yeah. The biggest character pigs exist in the world is Los Angeles, California.

This is where girls get up one morning and say, I was the prettiest girl in the prom when I go to LA. And they come out here and they start sucking some fucking Arab dick. And they go right back to fucking Indiana feeling terrible about them. So I think the party that they promised, you know, they need to party at Kim Kardashian throws and yeah. Oh shit. I don't know how you do that.

Do what? The setup was already hitting me and I know. What? Do, do, do what? We're smoking. Where's the fucking music? That's what I want to know. Where's the music?

You got me here talking about real. I don't want to talk about fucking relationship. It's Monday morning. You sick little fuck. I love you. That's why I see. Smoking a little reefer. You ready for the other half is cheap.

But fuck you. Come on. One more little piece to get the day going. How you want to be around? I won't be able to pick up the phone call. Fuck it. Who gives a fuck? When somebody.

Hey, we'll cut it for you. That's a little piece. I'll eat the rest. No, I'm not having anymore. I'm going to give you a little piece. No, I've already had. I've already had my piece. Look, look, look, look.

Look at this little piece. I'm going to give right there. No, that's already. And I'll eat the rest. Look, and I'm going to eat the rest. No, I'm done. I'm done. I already ate my piece.

No, you gave me half of one. Right here. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah. I didn't give you half of one. There's three quarters. I gave you a little piece.

Come on. No, I'm done. Trust me. You got this. I'm done. I can't do it. Dog, eat the fucking thing. No.

Well, I'm going to call the girl right now and tell her you're a cocksucker. It's a good caller. I had, and people give me shit. You don't like smoking. I smoke. Like, you don't see this. He comes in and he gives me a joint

and then comes sit down. He's like, you don't smoke anything. He takes two hits. He goes like this. Like, he goes, like a fucking, like a fucking hemophiliac. Come here and take this fucking piece. I'm not eating any more. One little more piece.

That's it. One more. God damn it. Look at this. This tiny fucking piece. I take small hits. Do it for the church and what's happening. You make me take 18 hits.

You make me take 18 hits. Just eat this little piece right here. Right there. Just down that motherfucker right now. Where you going? I'm going to fucking swallow with my liquor. Come here. You got some leafy over here.

You forgot. You can't walk on the lake. Take a little bit. Where's Tony Bennett? You want to be around? Oh, shit. Here they are, guys. Where's Tony at?

He's right here. Relax. Here, take a hit of this leafy. I just, no. This is Colombian gold. You have to come here. Take a hit of this. That's cracking your head.

Ain't no hair going to grow. I mean, I want to be around. I don't want to be around anymore. Oh, yeah. To see how he does it. Oh, yeah, Lee. And hell, come on. You're 70 fucking pounds.

A lot like a soldier, you bad motherfucker. If Lee Lee, did you hear what he said? Let's leave if the puzzle fits. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? It's Monday. It's Memorial Day. Soldiers fucking died for you.

And you're crying about eating a little fucking piece of edible out of respect. Two pieces. Two little tiny fucking pieces that my fucking cat would eat bigger pieces. No, they wouldn't. You're a fucking guy. Fucking guy.

Jesus Christ. Gotta get together. Big day tomorrow. Testicle Testimony 5 comes out. The last one. Then we're going to put them together. I'm going to take that on the fucking road. Lee's going to be the stage manager.

He's going to be like fucking Liberace. I can't believe you didn't watch that movie last night. No, I'm not paying 20 bucks. I'm sticking his dick in Damon's ass and shit. That's tremendous. We're talking about the Boston Red Sox. I'm sure you're watching. I'm going to the season.

Good movie. It was okay. It was. Gotta get an HBO though. That said it's over. So you're not eating McDonald's. What were you spending at McDonald's a month? At $7, $8 a pop.

Nine times a fucking week. Probably a hundred bucks a week. Okay, so $400. Now you're out of respect for McDonald's. Get HBO for $20. Out of respect for McDonald's. I mean, what shows do they have? I don't know.

They got Boardwalk Empire. Oh, is that good? They got Real Sports, which is fucking tremendous. They always have some Indian kid that's a jockey that you never knew about. They ride horses in fucking India and they beat these kids and shit. Well speaking of TV shows.

Hit it. We're brought to you again by Hulu Plus. The best. My wife fucking digs it to death. Go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. And again, you get a two week free trial. But what you have to do, it won't work if you do the capital letters Joey.

You have to do lower case. Lower case, cock suckers. And I've been fucked. I spent the entire weekend. I like Parks and Rec. I think it's a great show. They have the entire last season on there. You fucking people are just disgusting.

They have SNL, they have wrestling. They have a ton of everything. I watch it on my TV. I watch it on my iPhone. Joe, you were asking if you watch it on your iPad at the gym. You can watch it at the gym. People said thank you for fucking it and subscribing. You keep watching it at the gym.

You try streaming hit shows on your PC on Hulu.com. Fuck all that. It's time to start your free trial. Exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices with on Hulu Plus. That's how you do it. Yeah, HuluPlus.com slash Joey. This is a party.

Two fucking weeks for free. I want you to subscribe today. Today. What's the code? We cut the shit. It's for fucking free people. It's just Joey lowercase. And after that, it's only $7.99 a month.

$7.99. That's what you get for Uncle Joey. Don't piss me off. You ready to eat the other half of it? No, for what? Done now and that's it. It's over. Hulu Plus.

Well, I don't have to respect that. I got shit to do today. Chucks, I got to go home. Watch HuluPlus.com. What are you pressing? Lowercase. Joey. Joey.

Yep. Get two weeks for free. After that, it's $7.99. What is it usually? Like $200 a fucking month. Oh, no. Yeah. No, but it's great.

It's just awesome. I love it. You can't lose. Does it have HBO shows on there? Not HBO now. All right. So you got to get HBO and you get Hulu Plus. And you go to what are you pressing?

HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Cut the shit. $7.99 a month. It's for free for two fucking weeks. You go on there for two weeks. You just sit there and watch Hulu Plus. Smoke dope like with three hands. Drink fucking water.

Rub your feet with bed. Who's better than you? No one. They have lost. They have tons of shows. I'm telling you, this is a fucking deal in itself and you're sitting there like a mook. Let me give you some shout-outs.

Go for it. 930, who you think you're dealing with? This kid came up to me in Long Island a couple weeks ago. Real funny after the show. Sweetheart little guy gave me a card. His name was Rob. He represented Death Squad Long Island. I read the card that night and I put it in my notebook.

I didn't find it till this week. So I'm sorry. I love you. How about Lechone Steve? His girlfriend actually told me to give him a shout-out. My man Andrew Look, Jordan Mescal, Jody Ward, Guy Bellow, always on. Leon de la fucking Vegas, you Spanish motherfucker.

Kane Nudge and Milk Hot Lead, whatever this fucking Nick. Mick Hot Lead. That's how we do it. I got to take care of my fucking people. It's still born. I need some fucking. You want still born? Black Labels Society.

I love those motherfuckers. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Shout out to Woodchuck Hearts. Stop with the fucking way to jumping jacks, Lee. Let's do jumping jacks. Let me drink some. No drink.

Let's do three jumping jacks. People want to see you do jumping jacks. Aren't you going to do jumping jacks? After you. Come on, boy. What the fuck is that, Lee? Lee, finish his Cheebo Chubras. I'm already so hot.

I couldn't remember which leg and arm went first. You fucking asshole. Been drinking for four hours. Nine o'clock. Memorial Day, brother. You think the soldiers are fucking sitting there in their tent listening to this shit? No.

They got guns in their hands ready to blow a fucking anybody's head off. So you got to be the same way. You got to have the same fucking mentality every day. I do. Just because you're not over there shooting irons or whatever the fuck you're doing. I need you to have the same motherfucking mentality every goddamn day. You're going to wake up.

You're going to feel your fucking nuts. You're going to look up. You're going to go, God, thank you. Forgive me. Another fucking day. I can get my shit off today. It's Monday, May 20, whatever. Quit smoking today.

You can start your diet today. You can start doing push-ups today. You go to audit.com. Let me tell you something. I'm back on a fucking strong bone ever since I've been doing these jujitsu. Because you got to take care of your joints. So I've been doing the fucking e-capsules, whatever those things are. My blood pressure, whatever the fuck it is.

And I've been taking my strong bones again. Dependent. That's what I like about honor. No matter what you're doing and what you have to emphasize. It's there for you. If I'm writing, I'm on the fucking alpha brains. If I want to go to sleep, I'm on the fucking new mood. If I want to hang out with 20 people and eat 20 asses,

I don't want to get chlamydia. Boom! Fucking shroom tech, whatever. There's two of them immune and sport. Get your shit together. Go to audit.com. Stop fucking around. Take the chance.

Columbus did. Go to audit.com. Nice. Take care of yourself. Be a better friend to yourself. Who loves you better than you? And that's what we're going to talk about. That's what we're going to talk about right now.

That's fucking important. I got people get confused with a person being a dick and a person looking out for themselves. No matter what goes on, I love you, Lee. And I told you from the beginning, and I hate people who say to me, I told you so from the beginning. When I spoke to you yesterday, you seemed a little,

your mood was off. So when your mood is off, my mood is off. Because I love you to death. Yeah. If some jerk off mood is off, they got nothing to do with Uncle Joe. But when somebody I love to death's mood is off, my mood is off.

Because Jesus Christ, I failed. I'm the fucking adult here. I'm 50. You're 24. You might think you're a fucking man. You have no idea. I didn't become a man until I was 44. I lived for 44 years in this planet as a fucking idiot

because I was addicted to something. If I would have listened, I would have doubled my time as an idiot. And that's all we're trying to do is doubling your time as an idiot. So instead of that 20-year span, we're trying to cut it to maybe 11. Yeah, cut in half.

If I could have you being an idiot from 20 or 31, it's OK. You're still going to have 30 fucking good years to sling dick and be a character and fucking do your thing. Jesus Christ, you got me so high. I forgot to change the camera. Shut the fuck up, cocksucker. You got me so high. And I don't know what I was talking about.

The beauty of it says that you got to watch your back. A lot of people email me, Joey, we love you. You inspire. Whatever the fuck inspires you. Clint Eastwood inspires me. People mad at me because I don't talk to my daughter. Not that they're mad at me. They want to know.

And I've made contact to speak to my daughter. The wife I can't talk to, and I'll tell you why. Because in life, you got to look out for your fucking yourself. And sometimes you try to be the best person you can be. But you got to look out for your feelings and what works for you. You know what? I get aggravated easily.

So I avoid aggravation situations. Even if I'm going to make money in a situation, if I'm going to get aggravated, it's not worth the fucking Do Re Mi Fa So. So Do Re Mi Fa So. So you got to take care of yourself, guys. You know, and that's what happened with this bro with you. You knew what the thing was.

And I told you, I said, this weekend, give her a weekend off. Let her think about the Lee Lee sciat cock. Let her think about how sweet Lee is and how, what she's dealing with out there. Sometimes you have to do that to him because you have nothing to lose. You didn't get nothing. She told you, no, you know, no hand job, no finger up the ass,

no sucky, no fucky. So what are we talking about here? Is that a song in the world? Yeah, no sucky, no fucky. It was sang by a Chinese guy named Lung Quang Ho. I don't know if he's on YouTube. I think they yanked the song. Look at Lee's all giggling and shit.

Well, you gave me two pieces of a cheaper show. When was the last time Lee, somebody soaked suck your pipe? Want to get a chick over here right now to suck your pipe? Sure, why not? Little party, lick your fucking gaguzas. What are gaguzas? Little nuts. You got big nuts here.

You got little Jew nuts. I got big nuts. All right, so Lee's a savage and shit. So what's your plan now? You're going to join Matt.com? You're going to go to Christmas. I'm on, okay, Cupid. Now, what about the other one?

Are you on fucking no Jewish sites? No, it's, uh, I can't do Jewish girls. I've seen some hot fucking chicks. Oh, no, I'm sure there are. It's a coffee bean in... Beverly? Shaman Oaks. Oh, Shaman Oaks, yeah.

Oh, they even had the husbands with the yarmulkes on. There was a little boy with a yank, but there was two of them, two Jew broads that were on fire yesterday. I fucking, coffee bean. If you would have been there with your little black shirt on, you got to get yourself a chain with a big diamond star. You want a sling dick? Those are Persian juice.

Those aren't... I would get my, if I would, you know what? I think I'm going to get a fucking yarmulke, not a yarmulke. A star with a big cock coming out of it. It's hanging there. And on a circumcised one? Yeah. And the star is one nut.

We got to draw that. Let me, let me get Mike Maxwell on the phone, the fucking star, a David star with a dick going down. So you have one nut, it's the star. Why do you leave one nut? Because you only need one nut. You don't need two, two is a waste. Same as fucking Duncan's got one nut.

He's doing fine. He's got a beautiful fucking girlfriend. Just because you only got one nut doesn't mean... No, no, my boy, wait, yeah, if you have... Get together! I don't know. Why, why, why did you do this thing to me? What thing?

You knew what was going to happen. You're going to have a good day. You listen to the national anthem. You're going to go to the pool. You're going to work out there. I haven't slept yet. So I have to go to sleep. You haven't slept since last night?

Since yesterday. What'd you do last night? Nothing. I'm used to, I've worked nights. What time did she leave? Midnight. Did you whack off after she went and think about it? No, I didn't think about her. Tell me that you banged on her and think about it.

I don't know. A little fucking Chinese friend wasn't here. I can't do it without the video porn. Like, I just... I've always been... I hope you don't watch it and jack off and haircut. No, no, I wouldn't do it on this. Because I know you fucking have...

Even though you don't know how to use an iPhone, you have like some system up here and your face would pop up or something. What are you doing, cocksucker? It didn't scare me, but now I am. So you whack off in the dark off your mind that you keep... No, I can't do it.

You whack off after... When I started doing it, I had videos. You whack off off the fucking TV like a pervert. No, on my computer. I would never do it on the couch. I don't want to sit on bare ass on my couch. It smells like juice sperm. No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does. It's not like Jennifer. What is juice sperm? What does juice sperm smell like? It smells like pennies and Clorox together and shit. What does Cuban sperm smell like? Barakas and fucking Clorox. Let's put together, cocksucker.

We got a big week this week. We got the live podcast Wednesday. We got two fucking great guests this week. We got the release and the CD, the Testicle Testaments 5 tomorrow. And I love all this shit. I love doing it. Even though it's kind of a quiet day, it's Memorial Day. People are going to have their little barbeques.

I went to a barbeque yesterday. Mercy went fucking ape shit. What'd you do? You know, my daughter don't like crowds. Oh, really? Oh, she like you? Yes, she don't like crowds. And she don't like people popping up in her face with bad breath.

She don't fucking like it. A lot of people grab her and breathe on her. And she has a fucking shit cop. So yesterday, I went to my good friend Damon's house. And we sat down and Damon goes, it was going to be quiet. He goes, I'm just going to have a couple people over. But it turned pretty fucking heavy. And I could see it.

I could see it that she was only digging me, this little boy, and my wife and my friend's wife. Everybody else, she was looking at kind of weird. They were a dear friend of ours who I loved. And that picked her up. And she took one look at her and that was it. She went off. My wife grabbed her for a while.

She was going off on my wife. My wife goes, you got to take her. She'll stop for you. She stopped barely for me. But she was like, we got to get the fuck out of here, daddy. So I packed her in the car and we took her to Marie T. And got some sun water and drank some coffee. She passed out.

You always have a good excuse now to leave? Oh, please. She was fucking great. She couldn't have come at a better fucking time. I had already eaten a burger and some chips. And I was just saying, I was having a good time. But I was tired. I was still tired from Vegas.

I slept too. I slept six hours that night. Well, the AC there is cold for some reason. Because I have the same thing. I blast AC. Well, this AC, it said 65. 65 is fucking warm for me. What do you put it at?

I need, in my room, it's at 60 all the time. 60? With an upper fan and a fan next to me. Jesus Christ. I do like 68. That's like 52. I do like 60. Oh, no.

That's hot for me. I'm sweating like a motherfucking 68. Really? With that headband on. Sure, the sleep apnea headband. I guess that's true. I fucking sweat with that thing on. So I got to sleep with no shirt on.

60, Jesus Christ. And girls get cold. Your terry must be fucking freezing. It's not my problem. Yeah, she said that too. She said that when you started dating, she's like, it was just his way. And he just, it wasn't even a discussion.

Like, we're doing this. No, because I can't, I've done outpeak turning. So I would sleep her away at first. Yeah. But I'd be turning. I wasn't falling asleep. So she saw that it would just affect me. Yeah.

With the air, I need the noise. Oh, it's the noise? It's the noise. With me, it's the noise and being bundled up. If I could bundle myself up, then I have a good sleep. If I can't bundle up, then I fucking can't have a good sleep. Yeah. So that's what really kills me.

Do you have the ringing in your ears from all the concerts and comedy stuff you've done? Yeah. I just can't hear nothing. I just can't hear nothing. I don't want to fucking hear. That's the only death part I got. I can't hear nothing.

I can't hear. That's what sucks. You know, it's amazing. I keep getting this ear infection. I keep going to the doctor. They've already given me two hearing tests. I can't hear shit. Oh, really?

That's why I hate going out in the way, because I can't really hear what you're saying to them. And people always want to talk, especially at events. At events, I can't even listen to that. At a club. That's why I don't go to bars. And I can't. And now you want to talk.

Hey, you let that down. Guy, and you're up close. You're breathing on me. I don't want to smell your breath. I don't want you smelling mine. You know what I'm saying? Go away. Move away.

Some guy came up to me and I have vagus. And he's like, yeah, what'd you think of the fights? And it would start off as a great conversation. And then he's like, well, he goes, I listened to one of the podcasts once. And you said it was fake. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, well, I knew it was fake.

I said, listen, do me a favor. Walk away. He was two little goofy friends. And he just looked at me. I'm like, go away. I was just fucking crazy. Are you fucking crazy coming to me? Do they want to ask you questions?

I got 12, 30 at night. Like, I'm the fuck. They know about the Chiba Choo. That's fucking. That's like a Rambo helicopter right there. You hear that? It's the apocalypse now one. How do you know?

I don't know. I like that. I like that too. The apocalypse. Why? Get on with it. It sounds like Pink Floyd the War. Oh, shit.

So people at night are talking It was fucking horror show. They were drunk asking me if I said that UFC was fake. That shit drives me fucking crazy. Once I go to those bars and it was at the bar, I saw like TJ Grant who knocked out fucking what's his name. That's why I saw Ed Suarez. And we were talking like me, Duncan.

We were all by like a slot machine. And then we'd go and hang in there for a while. And I had two drinks in Vegas though. Oh, snap. I woke up all dehydrated. I was going to take some Molly. Oh, did you? Nah.

I got it though. I heard that's nice. I heard it's like a lot of fun. I've heard mushrooms. You can have like a bad trip. And I've heard Molly's just always happy. So what are you going to do? You can take some Molly.

What are you going to take away? I hopefully a girl. I don't want to take away from you. I don't want to. I don't want like the hardest I've ever laughed probably in the last few years. We went to do, you did the cigar's comedy thing and had flappers.

And we were walking back to the parking lot. And Joey has big hands. And we're just walking. He like, he did like the walk around behind me thing. And he just put your hand on my head and like held it there. And it was cold out. It was like midnight and your hand was warm. And I almost passed out from laughing.

You were high too though. Well, of course I was high. And you had just had like two Chiba Choo's. And just like the act of you like rubbing my head. Like you just, you just touched and I went off. Like we were both like, I couldn't even walk to the car. You were giggling up a storm. One of the best times I was leaving was we were shooting

a movie in New York. We were shooting the documentary. And Mike Lee, we're fucking high as fuck. It's four in the morning. And we're driving to the 545, the American Airlines from fucking Kennedy to LAX. By the way, it's one of the best flights you could take cross country, 545.

That means you gotta be there at 415. But it's usually the cheapest flight Kennedy offers LA and you're getting to LA at 925. When the traffic breaks down. By the time you get your luggage, it's 10. Perfect. Fucking 405 North is fucking empty. All fucking roads are empty.

So it's a perfect flight. So we're driving there. Lee's carrying shit. Had you already eaten the banana, brother? Yes, no, you may have. You know, you may have. He ate the night before, didn't sleep, got up in the middle of the night and went to a fucking diner.

No, no, no, I didn't. Ordered the food from a fucking diner. That was the first night. The night you're talking about, I had to get the footage onto my computer because we were returning the camera. And first of all, I was shooting this. I didn't want to be high.

You know, you got to banana bread. I'm like, I can't hold the camera with that. But then he made me take it before we got on the car to go to the airport, which I didn't want to do. And then he lived there for fucking 20 years. We started driving and immediately you're just like, look over me like Lee.

I don't know where I am. We must have stopped at four gas stations. You were pulling maps out. You're like, how do I get that? I'm like, I don't, I've never, I've never been here. And you were freaking. You're smart and me, though. You're smarter than me.

You know the iPhones with the maps in the direction of Google. And the fucking turn left and 30.6 miles. And then all you were saying, because we went to like a toll booth and like we finally find the way. And like the only thing you said from there to the place where we dropped off the rental car was like, we're not going to make this fucking flight.

We're not making this fucking flight. I was pissed. Yeah, you were pissed. And when you used to live here, and I already, I already have a thing when I'm nervous, like something like that, like all giggle. Listen, I lived there 20 fucking years ago. That's number one.

I never used to go to Kelly Airport. That's number two. You know, in 94, I went back to New York and drove a limo. My friend, Mike Runny, got me a job working with his fucking landlord, the limo company. Yeah. And that's the first time I had really driven on my own to Kelly Airport.

Like what? I didn't even know where those fucking airports were. And it was a nightmare. It was a fucking nightmare. Oh, geez, that was. But I remember yelling at you, Lee, what the fuck? Yeah. I got me lost.

And then you, like the night before, you had left your bag at the Chinese place. And apparently, for some reason, I was in charge of your bag. And you were like looking at windows at the Chinese place. Like, how do I get in here? You were banging on walls. It wasn't even the door. You were just banging on like the bricks.

You're like, let me into my bag. They had your fucking weed license and some banana bread. Fucking people. You gotta get your shit together. You're slipping. Somehow I'm in charge of directions. You're in charge of everything. In charge of you're smarter than I am.

You're younger. Can it tell me? You're fucking computer fucking savvy. You're the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. Can you see what happens when I have edibles? What happens? I get loopy and I start giggling. So what?

I don't know what's going on. I forgot how to do German. She's sleeping right now. So what's she gonna do to her? Are you gonna tell her to come down and eat some more? No. No, she's cleaning her room. What's your next move?

I've been doing online dating. I talked to a couple girls online. Jesus Christ. What else? And you're ready to kick ass to the loose? What's your next move? You're gonna tell her I'd say you can't hang with her. You like it.

No, I'll hang out with her as a friend, but it's just it's not gonna happen. Or maybe who knows? I have 70 more pounds. I want to lose money. Get down there. We'll see what happens. What?

For people who are just listening, he's just staring at me with like a smile. Like a kid at the Sears getting their picture taken. I remember the Chinese girl. She runs with it. Is there any chance you'd give her a stab? No. No, there's a...

She's a nice enough girl, but there's people, and I'm not gonna say it's only girls, but there's people who are entitled. And people mistake my kindness. And a lot of people's kindness for weakness. And I don't say anything, but I want to be like you.

And if people start taking advantage of you, you just have to be like, fuck, stop, fuck you. And it's like she was doing it last night. Like I bought 90 bucks worth of food. She bought soup for herself and some chips. And she was like, I don't like Oscar Mayer.

I like ballpark. I'm like, Oscar Mayer's been around for 90 years. 90 fucking years. What's wrong with Oscar Mayer hot dogs? The New York hot dog that Oscar Mayer makes is not fucking bad. No. You know, listen,

none of them are fucking any good. None of them are sad bread. I'm a sad bread fucking guy. Oh, yeah, of course. But I'll get the... I'll tell you what, though. The ones at the airport, the ones in Vegas,

I forget what company... They have hot dogs at the airport? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good ones with those fries I like. Fucking delicious. With Nathan's. Nathan's are at Ralph's. They have them at Ralph's for lunch.

Okay. You go to fucking Ralph's and Sherman Oaks and get a Nathan hot dog for lunch. Just go up to the devil. They have them wrapped up already. They had a special for like a year. Two hot dogs and a soda for fucking three dollars. I was there every other day

banging around in the fucking rush for three dollars. One fucking hot dog is eight points. You know, if you put a hot dog and shit on it, yeah, it's a lot of points, but I'm a fucking raw onions and a mustard type of motherfucker anyway. Oh, yeah. I like, I just got into deli mustard.

I used to be only yellow and I still like yellow, but like the spicy brown deli mustard, I love that shit now. Do you? Nice to have you. Eat the rest of this Chibo. I'm always wondering when that voice is going to come out.

You know, put this in your fucking little asshole. I know people who take like fucking ecstasy and viagra, sialice, and they melted it and they put it in their assholes with a coffee base to... A base to... Please don't introduce me to those people. I've never really wanted to. I never wanted to do something like that,

but it'd be good for you. It sounds like you do want to do it. No, no, no. I don't need a coffee or whatever. One of those bases. A coffee animal you don't want? No, that's just... Let's do it live on the show.

I'll get someone in here. And we'll melt sialice and all the boner pills. Don't make me go over there and rub your little fucking yamaka head, all right? So it's just really weird out. Those are the worst people. Those are the worst people I have ever come. When I first started dating Terry,

she had a girlfriend. That didn't think much of me. And I could give a Frenchman's fuck. You know, I loved Terry for who she was and we'd meet in the afternoons and watch Lone Order. And this girl would bring her own tuna sandwich. And one day we were messing around until this day me and Terry laugh at her asses all about.

I looked at her and I go, give me, let me get half of that. She fucking went nuts. But I never understood a person who brought food over and didn't even offer you half of it. Yeah. I never understood those things. Never understood how people show up at people's homes.

And don't bring anything just out of whatever. You know, when you go to Ralphie May's house and always say don't bring nothing. He's a motherfucker that gets everything. And that's why I don't go at the time. Because there ain't nothing to fucking bring because he's got everything. Yeah.

You know, there's just so many fucking people deserve. You know, even when we got together, I said, Lee, I'm going to pay. I want you to do these videos. Let's pay. Because I don't even want you to think that you were being used. I don't even want that feeling.

In LA, you're going to have that feeling a lot. You know, you posted something that was hysterical. You posted that you've been working here for six weeks and the guy still calls you less. Oh, it's this fucking guy who fucking he's, he was a nice, and I quit, I quit that place. But the guy, I worked there for five weeks.

He's like a four-year-old who's still in the night chef for nine years. And he's most supposed to be an assistant editor for like four years. He's been there for nine. And he goes, what's up, Les? And like, I changed it. I corrected him like two or three times.

And then at the end, I was like, what's up, buddy? And then you called me. And you called me and you, because we, you talk, like you call me like 730, like a couple, like a half an hour before I get into work. You call me back at like nine and you're like, is this Les? And then you just started cracking up.

I'm like, fuck you. But no, the, and companies do it. Like they, they didn't, there's a fucking garage in the building, but they don't pay for it. So we had to take street parking, which is fucking bullshit, but it's a fucking Les. Nothing bothers me more when people try to take advantage of me.

Like, and try to do it to your face. Like when you do a movie, not a TV show, there's such fucking scammers. You know, I used to do a lot of after work years ago. And I do these after pilots where these motherfuckers wouldn't have no food on the fucking thing. You know, when I did that movie Boiling Maker, that movie never got released and shit.

Those people are still doing plays. The guys at Dentist, he's a fucking producer on all their projects. I still get stupid emails from them. They got this good movie that sits at Amazon, whatever the fuck it is. But during that movie, they had no fucking food either. I mean, it's just really fucking amazing

that people try to use you, even as human beings. That's the shit that has always burned me out. And this town is classic for it. You know how the kid would call me and say, hey man, I got these videos that you did the other day. Do you want to use them? And I go, no. And he goes, why not?

I felt like reaching my fucking hands through his fucking neck. You know, why not? I don't have to tell you fucking why not. When somebody says no, it's fucking no. There's not a why not. What's that got to do with the fucking brand? I mean, I love living here. I love the weather.

I like that. I have a friendship with you and a couple other guys. But I mean, the home nuts and bolts of it, that's where it ends. Yeah. And people try to be, try to, I met a guy, last year, that stupid fucking raging bull too. Right? And the minute I walked in there, an extra comes up to me.

Hey man, I just sold the show and you're perfect for it. And this guy's attached to it. An extra did it? Yeah, an extra. Right? It comes up to me. He's like, I just sold the show and I have all these people. I'm looking at them.

It's like when I did that one commercial years ago, the guy was a producer. But you're here shooting, you're here being an actor in a commercial. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm really a producer. Okay. Okay. Okay.

You know, that's what you get in that life. Everybody's a fucking producer. Yeah. So what was I talking about? About people taking it right into view. Before that, what was this fucking guy? I got off course. See, just that he came up to you and he had an offer for you or something?

All right. So he says, yeah, I got this movie going on a web series. Okay. He goes, but I got these names attached to it. Do you mind if I get a hold of you? I said, sure, give me your information. I'll email you. I emailed them.

That was last June. Yeah. All right. He gets back to me in like October. All right. The project, I've been busy. You know, extra season was long this year. Whatever the fuck he was staying.

Yeah. He goes, are you still interested? I go, you were interested? Sure, whatever. I'll do it. He goes, it pays. When can we get together? I go, when are we going to start shooting?

He goes, we're probably going to start shooting in February. I go, well, it's November. There's no sense of us talking right now. He kept walking me like, can we meet tomorrow in Hollywood? You don't meet dog. I'll tell you yet to 10 minutes before the meeting. And I can't find a reason to go to Hollywood because I'm going to go down. And you're going to shake my hand.

You're going to drop some names at me. You're going to tell me about all this shit you got going on and the people you know. And then that's it. There's no nothing else. And then six months from now, you're going to call me and go, hey, do you have somebody we could sell this show to? That's your job. And I'm going to go, no, not really.

And then that's it. My fucking thing appears on YouTube, which I had to drive to Marina Del Rey to shoot four fucking days in a row because your uncle worked at Paramount. It's always the same fucking story. Then they come to you. So I said, no, when you're ready to shoot, get a hold of me. And they're like, yeah, but we're ready to shoot in January, but it's fucking October. So what they really want to do is get my name signed, the tax to it,

to lower other fucking people and then hopefully get financing. And then in January, like we didn't get nobody else. We'll hold off till fucking. I had a guy call me one time. He says he was an associate producer on that sideways. He's got this movie and the whole fucking deal. It's like he went to 20 fucking different people. And he never sold the movie from time to time.

I still check on the fucking. Now he's got it on Kickstarter with Lou Ferrino instead of me. Yeah, it just never ends with these people. So Lee, you're young. Yeah. You know, I dig you. I like what we do here. And that's a lot of times you send me.

Hey, what do you think if I do something? I know where it's going to end. I know these people. I sniff them the fuck out, you know, and what are you going to do? What are you going to do? And I know you don't text, but I had a conversation with somebody this weekend because for it and it's same with phone calls, but it's even more with text. If I text someone and they don't respond or if they text me and I text them back

and then they don't respond, it drives me bananas. And like I got mad at someone. Oh, we got a call. Come in. What's happening? Who's this? Nick tutorial. Oh, shit.

What's happening, little brother? All right, my man, I'm not on the field. And you sound like you sound like three Puerto Ricans are chasing. Yeah, I like it. I am, man. So you coach two out there, Nick. I'm the Puerto Rican in my family. Why?

You coach also out there, brother? I coach, baby. I coach. I'm coaching. Well, I can't even say it too loud right now. What a lesbian attorney, freaking brilliant. The dynamic between me and her and the kids. And I'd be better than modern family.

And how's the team doing? Is it either team? The team is doing great. They love me and they hate her. What's your record? We're a second seed. We start the playoffs tomorrow. No way to janky too.

So, but you guys seem to coach third, man. I'm electric at third. Electric. Like a master out there. And how old are the kids you coach? All right. And my son's Asian. My son's on a team, 13, 14.

But I mean, I've always been a helper. But this year, I'm actually the coach. I was supposed to be the manager, but I let Cheryl be the manager. She's a control freak. That's the main Cheryl. See, what's going on, my man? You were in Montana over the weekend, right?

You were in Montana over the weekend? Yeah. I was in Missoula, Montana, where the Shatter River runs through it. All these beautiful rivers, all this nature. Gotta tell you, man, this country, you don't realize it. I come from New York, you're from where?

Miami. No, stop. I'm the fucking Josie. Stop it. You think that's the whole world. I'm not here in stupid LA. But, you know, I'm not there with the nature. People are nice.

Rivers flowing everywhere. And I'm like, wow, this country is beautiful. It's really beautiful. You don't realize what a country, you know? The wild west, man. Hamburg is, you never ate in your life. Good beef, good water, fresh air. A little crazy independent movie,

but it's good to do those because it gives you, you know, it gives you a perspective on, you know, what it's when you're hungry. You're out of breath, dog. You're emotional. Yeah. Nah, man, the altitude. I'm on the field.

I'm swinging the bat. I'm breaking a sweat. Oh, look, this is my therapy, man. You know, if I wasn't, if I wasn't an actor, I'd probably like to work in baseball at some level. I can't get enough of it. But the game itself has gotten very boring. It's too commercial.

They're like entertainers. You know, I mean, I met this guy, Alex Rios, lately. Tell you a funny story. I met him in Orange County. Couldn't believe how big his hand was, man. I go, I go, you're Puerto Rico, right? And he goes, yeah. I do baseball player Alex Rios.

He goes, yeah, shakes my hand. His hand was so huge. I couldn't believe how big it was and how strong it was. You know, I was just like, wow, I couldn't let go of his hand. I was thinking, man, if his hand is that big, imagine his finger. I mean, but it was some, it was some hand. I was like, I mean, those guys are so big. They're so strong.

So imagine when they take the juice and the steroids, then they're like fucking Superman. You know, it's incredible. It's fucking crazy. How are your Yankees doing this year? We're doing great. We're doing great with nobody. A-Rod is hurt.

Jesus hurt. Tashara, all these guys, Grandson, they pick up Lyle Overbay, who's dynamite at first. Vernon Wells, who everybody thought was done, who was an All-Star. He got rejuvenized, putting on the pinstripes. Travis Haffner, who was always a kind of a blue collar, grungy player from Cleveland. I tell you, man, and they're winning them in first place.

But what I like about it is no superstars. You know, I think Gerardi is actually better suited to a manager team like this, you know? I mean, because they were kind of a fluid team that just hit home runs. Now they're winning different ways. Now they're actually winning games, you know, playing small ball, playing baseball, not just the stupid rinky thing.

But what I really hate, I really despise is that new stadium. I can't stomach it. I don't even like going in. I love the Yankees. The whole Yankee stadium experience is now like going to the, you know, to Pangamal. I don't like it. It's too sterile.

They tore down something beautiful, something sacred. And, you know, I just, it's sad, man. It's sad that they did that. And now it's gone. It'll never be the same. It'll never, never have that feeling walking in the building. You know, it's like when you go home and you walk into your house, you go,

I'm home, right brother? I'm home. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? At least I could go to Fenway. I got a Boston Red Sox fan here. How are the Red Sox looking this year? I don't know.

We started off great. Then we like lost like 10 in a row, so we lost. But I think what I think we have been doing okay recently. Oh, they're doing good. They still overbate from us. We let overbate go and he goes to you and he starts getting home runs. You guys dumped him.

I know we dumped him. You guys dumped him. Is Euclis doing okay or is he done? Euclis is hurt. Oh, okay, of course. Euclis is a Red Sox, but there were some players that just embodied their team. Like if you look at Euclis,

he was probably born a Red Sox. When he was born, when he was born, he was born with a Red Sox. He's got a Red Sox face. He's got a Red Sox name. It's like Wade Barnes when he was a Yankee. He's a Red Sox. Clement is the same shit.

He's a Red Sox. He's not a Yankee. Oh, because I'm only 24. So see, I never, I'm 24. You're too young. But I only knew, I only knew Clemens as a Yankee. So like, yeah. But I'm telling you, that's not who Clemens was.

Clemens is a Red Sox. They're trying to learn how to bunt right now while I'm talking to you. Just like the bat, the ball hit the bat. What's going on with Blue Bloods? Blue Bloods is still going. You know, it's still, it's going into fourth year. First two years, I did a lot of shows.

Got a very popular character. Sergeant Anthony Renzuli. And this year, you know, he had a new partner. So I was kind of in and out of the show. Then they killed his partner at the end. And I, I kind of, you know, still alive in the show. What a great character. You know, hopefully next year, maybe they'll

try to find more of a, a main place for me. Because people love the character. He's kind of an old school cop with a sense of humor. I think it could actually be a spin-off with this guy Renzuli, you know, because he's kind of like, he's a guy that you could relate to. You know, he's been around the block.

He's like almost like a, a Colombo type of character. And that's what I'm looking to do. I'm looking to do something that's dramatic and, and comedic. I mean, you know, it's been a good show. And it's been, it's been nice to be a part of it. You know, I mean, I was part of NYPD Blue years ago and that was brilliant. But when you're on a, on a hit show, it's weird

because it's on a Friday night and it's great numbers. A lot of old people love it. You know, um, you know, Donnie Wahlberg, awesome guy. Will Estes, the guy I work with. Great, Tom Selleck, class act. I mean, you know, I had a blast. You know, what about Tom Brady's ex-wife? How bad to the bonus?

She, I love to sniff her fucking feet. You know what I'm saying? Who, who's that? The chick on the show, the daughter. Oh, the daughter. Oh, one of him. Oh, you want that? Oh, I love her.

I love her. That's your type. I love her. Yeah, yeah. She's, she's, she's hot. I would sniff her fucking feet. She's Irish. She's devil's.

Freckles. Irish men's right up your alley. Oh, I love Irish women. Love white, dirty Irish women. You like, I know you do. Got hit in the head with a ball of vodka once in that life. You like that white, you like that white, bright thing? Ooh, I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like Filipinos too. Doug, I've been seeing some hot little fucking Filipinos. One yesterday, one yesterday, right up your alley, white with blonde. I had to, I had to take her out in the scene. I had to like take this woman down and fucking steal her purse.

I was like, I was so, yeah, it's funny because you know, you know, I was so gentle with her, but at the same time I was like, all right, here we go. Action and fucking throw her ass down. And you know, listen, man, everything is okay. I mean, I'm just trying to make a few other things. I'm trying to direct this movie called Bless Me, Father.

I might be getting the money. It's something I've been trying to do for years, coming of age story about a kid grown up, the crazy dad and his brother. It could be a wallop of a movie kind of along the lines of a Bronx tale, but you know, I'm ready to direct. I'm ready to do something, challenge myself a little bit because you know, none of these guys got anything on me.

I've been, like I came in, I went and did this independent movie. And the guy said to me yesterday, he goes, man, I gotta tell you, you know, you made my script, you know, he made my part way better. I like, that's what I do. I come in and I try to elevate that shit. It's just like whatever I do, when you do something, you've got to come in and bring something.

When we belong in the shot, my part was nothing on paper. It was shit. And before you know it, Sandler said, hey, let it tomorrow say that, let him say this, because I came in with a character. You've got to come in prepared. You've got to come in. I don't care if you're in one scene or 10 scenes.

Same thing with anything. I never fucking walk through it. I don't care when I'm on the camera. That's my fucking face. You understand? I don't fuck around between the lines. I don't fuck around. It's the same thing with baseball.

I'm coaching, I'm coming with it. And I'm always going to hit a home run. I'll strike out sometimes, but I don't fucking phone it in. You know what I mean? A lot of guys, you know, I see the difference. That's why when I'm on the footage, I can elevate people. You know, this actor, I was working with, I brought him up.

I brought his ass up, you know? But that's what it's about. It's not just about me. It's about the team, being a team player. You're a fucking savage. You're inspiring these motherfuckers today. These motherfuckers don't know. So when I went to New York, when I went to New York

to watch the UFC and do comedy, I bumped into Michael Irvin at the UFC, and I was going to have him call in today. We're going to have a fucking three-way little family reunion here. He's MIA. He's fucking MIA. I remember Michael, man, when he was doing a scene one time,

he wasn't feeling it in the football huddle. He goes to me, Nicky, I don't feel it. I said, Mike, you're a professional football player. You've been there. You know what the fuck this means? Come on, do it again. He does it again.

He goes, man, you're a pro, baby. I felt it. I felt it. Now we're talking, Mikey. Now we're fucking talking. I'm going to hit Goldberg up to do it too. We're going to come up on the 12th. No, next year, we're coming on the 10th anniversary

of shooting that movie. So I'm going to try to get Goldberg down. Yeah, next. We shot that in 19 and 2004. You know what's catching me up? That movie, I know it was a remake. You would think that Sandler and those guys would have thought, let's do a part two.

They'd do these part two cities love the movies that are kind of like, you know, and then people love that movie. They love it. Maybe it's not possible. But you know, imagine the long these guys get out of prison or whatever. Shit, man, because people, you know,

what would you be doing right now? If you got a what would you be doing right now? If you got out of prison four years ago, what would you be doing right now? For me, that could be funny. Brucey, my fucking Brucey could be. I don't know. He could be fucking knows.

He could be teaching physical education. I don't know how he would be doing something with kids that they would be really funny. It's a good place to go back to school or some shit. You know what I mean? Brucey gets a degree. I mean, Brucey could be doing anything. How are your kids?

How are your kids? They're good. They're good. And you have two children, correct? He's so talented. He's playing. He's on this team. He's good baseball player.

But man, he's getting a lot of commercial work. Kids got charisma. He's got talent. You know, my daughter, unbelievable songwriter, Apollonia. My wife is managing my son. And she's like, you know, sending him out. She's like a homemade manager.

She gets the breakdowns. So they're busy, man. You know, they're busy. I can't keep up with these kids today. It's a different world, Joe. It's a different world, brother. We're 50. We're 50, Nick.

What? We're 50. That's it. I'm 50. 51, man. I'm 51. Yeah, this is this is different. We got to get our sleep.

You got to drink your water. You got to do your jumping jacks. You got to eat apples. I know, man. I got I got. You got to shit. You got to eat pussy. You got to do a lot of things.

You know, I want to stick around. But you know, man, I'm very stress related. I get I get crazy. I yell and scream, you know, I got to watch my weight a little bit. Again, I'm trying to get in better shape. I'm trying to exercise, you know, as I'm trying to be as, you know,

active as I could be because, uh, you know, I mean, there's this life, you know, there's no guarantee, man. You know, as you get older, you get vulnerable. You start thinking about your life and you go, what happened? What did I do?

I did so much shit that you can't remember it. I did so much shit in my life. And I'm like, I can't fucking remember. And that's what scares me. I'm like, wow. I wish I could remember. You know what you remember? Your childhood.

That's what you remember. I went back to my mother's house that day. Some lady fixed it up, man. It was, I'm like, that was my life, man. That was my freaking life. I was like, I was, I was in that driveway and my wife's like, you're trespassing. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

I'm trespassing. I fucking grew up here. You think, you think I give a shit if I'm trespassing? Fuck that, you know? I go to my mother's house all the time when I'm in Jersey. I drive over there. I just pull up in the driveway. I walk in front of it.

I walk up the stairs and I feel where I grew up. Where I, what stairs? You feel it, right? Where I sat there. I sat there and made out with a girl. I'm not proud of the girl I made out with there. She's about 900 pounds today. But I, but literally you want to finish

this last little turd? No, I smoked too much today. What did I say to you? So when I go- Oh no, man, what's your friend's name, man? My name is Lee. His name is Lisa at AKA The Flying Jew. One of the baddest motherfuckers you'll ever meet.

We've been working together for about two years now. And he's a fucking Animali. He's just Jewish. He's a bad mother fucker. You're a good man. Joey Coco is a good man. No, yeah, he's good. They should put us on TV, man.

Me and him would be a, I was telling him, we would be a blast together. I'd watch it. You know what I mean? We're going to try to do a podcast in the garage with animals and people getting stabbed and shit. I'm telling you, we're going to try to, we're going to try to take this puppy up.

You know what I mean? We give these people all fuck. What you got to do is put the camera on us, man. People would go wild. They would go wild. Imagine the shit we could talk about. We have a little audience, 20 people in a garage. When you guys were on set,

when you guys were on set for the longest yard. And I'd give the audience kids. Kids would go crazy for us. 14 year old kids, Joey. I love them. I love that age. That's a good age. That's the age you could fucking take them some way.

You know what I'm saying? You could turn them into- Yeah, it's like that movie Jango. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That movie is made for them. You could take them into different fucking waters here. What were you asking them, Lee?

When you guys were on set for the longest yard, because he gave me edibles today. Did Joey go around to the trailers like, here, eat this, and then for the scene? No, we were just smoking pot. I just smoked pot. No, Joey was getting high. Joey was getting high, and Joey was smoking pot.

Like a motherfucker. I was telling Joey, don't do that. One day, I'll tell you a funny story. They wrapped us, like you're done for the day. And then we were done early. And then I'm getting the call, and I'm going up to the hot springs. We're in Santa Fe.

And they're like, hey, guys, we're wrapping us. Joey calls me, because man, they're calling us back. Damn, wrap us. He goes, what are you going to do? I go, I'm going back. I go, fuck off. I go, well, I'm going back. I don't know what you're doing.

You know what I mean? So, um. I didn't go back. So anyway, you know, so he doesn't go back. And then I go back, and he wrapped me again. But I'm like, I'm like, you know, Joey, man, you got it. You can't just be smoking pot with Nellie and shit. You got to come back and do like that.

Fuck that, because they had wrapped us one day. Hi, and talking about Biggie Smalls and shit. Oh, they wrapped. He was great. I love that. Who the fuck is this? Paging me a 546 in the morning. Rap Adonis.

We had a good time, Nick. We had a good time on that. We had a blast. It was one of the best times I think I've ever had. Just hanging around Bert Reynolds. Just fucking being around Bert Reynolds, man. Uncle Bert, I just loved being in the footage with him. He was like, man, you're good, brother.

You're good. You got it. I said, you think so, Uncle Bert? And I'm like, man, I said a few things. So, man, you're the man. You're the man. You know what they're like? You guys want to say hello to the team, man?

Say hello to the team? Yeah, yeah, let's say hello. Sit down and speak, man. Let's do it. What's the name of this? Joey Cole. Hey, guys, come here, man. Freakin' funny guy.

Joey Cole, come on! What's up, Nick? Nick in the house. Yeah. You little savages, I love you. Save it, boys. Blake. I hear you guys are going to win it all this year.

I'm proud of you. Yeah. Get on that bus. I love you, Nick. Nick, Nick. Nick, Nick, I love you, buddy. Thank you for doing what you're doing, my man. Yeah, I'm gonna talk about that church, man.

Talk about the church. What church? It's a church of what's happening now. The best crazy podcast out there. Listen when you're by yourself. You might learn something, you little savages. You little savages. I love you.

That's big Tony, the big fat guy, in the long and short radio. It says on show. All right. I love you, Nick. Thank you for calling in today, brother. We'll talk during the week. I'll call you tomorrow.

Thank you again. Stay black. Listen when you're by yourself. Lee, Lee, Lee Lin, you bad motherfucker. How are you feeling? See, you're surviving. You drank. Come on, get dressed.

We're gonna go eat breakfast. I'm not going nowhere. We're gonna go get some spaghetti and meet the balls. We're gonna get some staminke juice. Spaghetti and meet the balls. What's going on? So, like I told you, the show is brought by Hulu, but our fucking other sponsors that we love with all are,

and I love Aubrey, because he's doing a great job, but I'm back on it, you know, is on it. Go to honet.com. If anything, get yourself these little chocolate balls. These hemp-force protein balls. Delicious. Get the protein powder. The best chocolate you've ever tasted in your life.

Fuck Valentine's Day. And it's promo code church. You didn't say that before, so. Yeah, when you go to Honet, they know the press church. Not Joey Lowe case. Church, cock sucker. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's how you smell church.

Anyway, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I'm happy you guys tuned in. Don't forget, do me a solid. Tomorrow, $1.99. Test the fucking testament on iTunes. Don't get no better than that. So, last of the chapters I gave you, five. If you get all five for 10 bucks, you got 10 fucking hours.

That's a dollar a fucking hour. Stories, murders, choking people, strangling them. How I got into comedy, prison, kidnappings. How I didn't kill my fucking ex-wife. Beautiful fucking stories. Family-type shit. $1.99, Wednesday, six to six, five, seven, seven, 18, 94.

Again, for you people that are deaf. Six to six, five, seven, seven, 18, 94. You're saying, Joey, what's that number? That's the number to the motherfucking ice house. Oh, shit. All right. That's the number to the motherfucking ice house. Wednesday, we're going to get down this week.

We have two fucking great guests. I'm raffling off a fucking couple of t-shirts. We're going to have, reasonably, a fucking whole one of these. Because things are going to be worked up after today. And that's how we do it, motherfuckers. The church of what's happening now, coming at you, a special memorial day. You say, Joey, but today was kind of weird.

It was weird, but who gives a fuck? It wasn't weird. It wasn't fucking weird. It was high, and so was Lee. But it's your day to shine, bitches. It's a beautiful day to be, even if it's Memorial Day. So what? Today, when everybody's eating a cheeseburger,

you're only going to eat one without a bun on it. Instead of smoking 18 cigarettes today, you're going to smoke three. Instead of doing an eight ball of coke, you're only going to do three or four lines. You're watching, but it all starts today, motherfucking. Don't just sit there and stand me down like, I'm the motherfucking bad guy, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe you're the fucking bad guy. Constantine, I see you, cocksucker. The water box, listen. Water box, and get it together. Lee can't go down until about July or fucking August until the water warms up. He's trying to get in shape. Lee, take your shirt off.

Give him a crap. I'm not doing it, I'm sure you did. Take a shirt off. You took your shirt off. Give him a fucking crap. Nah, I'm not going to die. Look at me. You been doing push-ups?

No. You been swimming in the water? Yeah. Like, go in front of the TV, put iDreamer Genie in wiggle for me. Who was the last time you wiggled for these people? I wiggled every week, but not for iDreamer Genie. But wiggled what song?

I don't know how you like to make fun of me. You're like, I'm not making fun of nobody. You're like, dude, make someone wiggled to iDreamer Genie. I'm not making fun of nobody. You told me once you like to wiggle, cocksucker. No, I don't. You told me about two months ago. You're like, I like it when you say wiggle for me.

No, I don't. I said they like it. What music do you like? What music would make you feel better about wiggling? Tupac, Biggie, some disco. Like, let me play some rap. Have you listened to recent rap? What about those Jews that jump up and down that you know?

I love that shit. Did you wiggle to that? I thought, well, you don't wiggle to that. You jump up and down. Well, all right. Put the Jews music and jump up and down for us. Let's do that. Let's do that.

I'll be satisfied. I'm going to jump it up and down. Go on. One time. I want to see how you do it. I want to go to one of these concerts with you. I love this. I'm going to know how to act.

Fine. I can't believe I can type. This is fucking millions. You're fucking, you're a soldier. Can't fucking type. I can't. I'm on. Come on.

You got the reefer in you. I took it forward. I took it forward. Like, Liberace. That ain't real. Let me show you something. No, not in front of me. You can't play the white.

We're at the concert. We're at the concert. I know life is down. We're at the concert. Jesus. Let's go. Let me say you bounce. Oh, I kind of hate you.

Let's go. If right now you were here and Ashley was with you. Oh, yeah. What would you do? I'm fucking gently like there's a fucking car. Come on. That's the camera. Hit the camera.

Come on, go. Hang on. Go, go. I hate you so much. That's it. How long do you do that for? For hours. All right, but keep going.

I'm here with you. Come on, kick jump. What are you sitting down for? You're not in fucking concentration. Come on, let's go. You're gonna fuck your love for 18 hours. I'm not gonna laugh. I'm right here with you.

I got a head bump. Come on, go. Are you fucking with Todd? I'm right here with you. I got a head bump. Come on, go. Are you fucking with Todd? I'm way too fucking high right now.

So you do that for 18 fucking hours. I love it, yeah. 18 hours you jump up and down for. Yeah, fuck I'm high. That's not a good thing to do when you're high. You see what I gotta do with this, because I might have to shoot him and take him up for 170 by sharing my weight.

Take me up. And you're gonna jump for more in a minute. What are you gonna do? No, I can't. I just can't fucking see right now. I'll jump for you. You really gotta see. I can't jump.

Just close your eyes and jump. Like Michael Jordan, just close your eyes. Cuckzucker. People think like whenever they make fun of me, like oh, you can't handle edible. It's not the edible you make at home. This is a fucking Tootsie Roll Pop that's been condensed by scientists like eight times.

And you're like have, have, have I had two? What fucking scientists? This is three fucking black dudes up in Stockton. No, it's not. Yes it is. No, it's not. The only thing Cheebo stands for, black power in Africa.

That's a Chinese word. That's an Asian word. What the fuck? Oh god. You see what I gotta deal with people? You see what I'm trying to fucking convert motherfuckers one at a time into the church or what's happening now.

You don't want to jump to the fucking juice. I've been jumping. That's it. You don't even want to jump to the juice. I jumped to the juice. You gotta jump to the fucking juice. I love you guys. Have a great Memorial Day.

Light a candle. Say a prayer for the spirits. Get your day together. Spend it with your family. Whoever cares for you, ever you fucking care for it. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for listening.

We're doing Wednesday at 9 a.m. Then we're at the fucking ice house with a live podcast. I'm gonna eat. Like, I'm not even eating. I'm gonna go now. I got the kid, my wife. We're gonna go to a movie today.

We got a babysitter. I tell you that. We're gonna have a date afternoon. Oh no, what are you gonna see? We're gonna go see something at the Lemley, uh, mud. I don't know what that is. I don't fucking know.

My wife wants to go see it. You know, she's the boss. I'm gonna get some Mexican. I forgot to see the camera again. You fucking son of a bitch. What camera? The closer one to you. You give me some stone.

I'm just sitting there and shouting like the side of us. What am I gonna do with you, Lee? You're gonna stop giving me chiva chews. You know what I'm saying? You can't win with you. All right, I love you motherfuckers. Poor kid's high. I'm gonna have to...

Paul asks you to come over. No, she's asleep. Don't lay down next to it in your finger, banger. And then she won't know. You tell her you're high. What do you mean she won't know? What's the last time you finger her? Her?

Yeah. Four years ago? Did you sniff your finger? You just washed your hand without a sniff. I probably sniffed and I don't remember. All right, put the music on. I love you guys. Stay black.

Have a great day with your family. Is Sabbath, Bully Sabbath good? Whatever you want. You're the captain of the enterprise today. Okay, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to joeeds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner

for your extended free trial. Or go to Hulu... Oh, God. Go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, click the Hulu Plus banner on joeeds.net. Or go to huluplus.com slash joey. You get two free weeks. You get Joey laughing at you all the time.

I gotta give a shout out. I gotta give a shout out to my main man right here, fucking 360 fave. This motherfucker put best church every day. Get jumping, Lisa. How can you be a flying Jew if you ain't airborne? Which he's right.

Put the music on. End the show. You're jumping up and down. Come on. Put the Jews back on. Bam. No, no, no. Forget that.

What? The Jews. You gotta end the show. They're gonna do another song again? Yeah, you gotta sing this. You gotta do a lot. You gotta close up with the Jews. And don't fucking stop.

Just keep jumping. I'm not gonna laugh at you. I'm gonna back you. Yes, you are. These people want to see you jump. Let me look at my phone and find a fucking song. Give me two seconds. This is what I deal with people.

You fucking piece of shit. I'm trying to... Let's see what's a good song. So you listen to this on your iPhone? Yeah. When you're driving? Sometimes. Do you jump up and down the car?

I mean, how do you act? How do you act? I know. I do the head thing. I don't know. I don't know. Let's do... Oh, this one has words in it.

All right, let's do it. Let's do it. God damn it. I'm so fucking stolen. You do this to me. Come on, guys. Get it together. All right, you're slipping.

I'm slipping. Motherfucker. And what? What a boxie. He's coming in July with the bikini on. You put some SPF on him. It'll be all aerodynamic. Five seconds.

God. This is what I got to deal with. Jesus Christ. This is what you got to deal with. Breathe. You got to get ready. You got to pump up. This is one that has words in it.

All right. You going to sing the words? I don't know. People, you make me do this. But you can't jump on me down with this. That's none. Come on. You got to get the one with the...

Five. You got to get the juice. Light and fires. Like when they're light and fires. You know what I'm saying? When Jews are light and fires, they're excited. There you go. Come on.

Let's go. We got time. We got no time for this. What? What do you want? Let's go jump. Let's go jump. Talk a second.

10.30. Let's go. You got to come up. Oh. I can't talk with the mode and factor out. You all get to work on the weed. He smells on the storm. There's a killer on the road.

He's going to do it. What? His greatest. His name is Lili Sian. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili.

Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili.

Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Lili. Jump up with the heaths. Go Lili.

If you get this made of rice, sweet family will die. Killer on the road. Yeah.