Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 05/29/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #84

Episode Date: May 30, 2013

MMA fighter Jon Fitch calls in to talk about his upcoming fight. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 05/29/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now my listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Motherfucking Wednesday, May 29th. The church of what's happening now. Taller by you, motherfucker. It's Wednesday. Get up. Coffee. Hit it! I love this song. Are you kidding me or what? I don't fucking believe it. Get that coffee, some jumping jack, couple push-ups, write your goals,

wash your balls, put some powder on them. It's going to be a hot one today, no matter where the fuck you're at. Be positive. You want to eat some pussy, bring some toothpicks, which are the worst. If you want to eat pussy, you got to bring the fucking toothpicks in your pocket. It's positively enforced, you know what I'm saying? While you're bringing toothpicks, are you going to stab them? Well, like, why not? Pick the fucking pubies out of your teeth, you filthy fuck. I thought you wanted them there. I want half of them then, the other half you want to take out. Some people don't like fucking hair on their teeth. I'm just dropping it while it's hot. What's up, my little Jewish friend? Nothing. I'm feeling, I'm excited for tonight. This is my

favorite night of the month. I fucking love it. I really know. I know. I love it too. I love being, you know why we're around these fucking savages? They come out. It's a death squad fucking night. People got acid. How many edibles are you going to eat tonight? Tell the people, how many of you think there's going to be a 911 on fucking staff? We got an ambulance on staff. I have two cabs already called. If you bring an edible, I'll eat it. No, it's not my edible, but people are fucking already calling. I don't know if it's sold out. There was a few tickets left yesterday. You got the extra microphone. We got a great show. Come on. I like the live one. Bro, listen, it's getting to the point where I used to do comedy. I didn't like fucking doing comedy

years ago. Now I know I'm going to meet somebody interesting. I'm going to see somebody from Twitter. I'm going to see somebody that tortures me on Facebook or Twitter. Yeah. And it makes the night. Oh, fuck, that's you. Yeah. Oh, fuck, you tight up. So it's always a lot fucking better. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What's up with you, baby? You're looking good. You're smart. You're recovering from that edible invasion. I knew it was going to be bad. So I just jumped right in bed. And was it bad? No. No, no, it's not. This one wasn't bad because I fucking hate it a lot. Yeah, that's a thing. But it didn't go away until the next day. I slept all day, all night, and I woke up and my legs were still tingling. That's a good feeling when you wake

up and your legs are tingling. What can you do that your legs are tingling? I have no idea what you're saying. You know what I'm fucking saying, cock sucker. No, but I loved it. I called you. I woke you up. You sounded good. You didn't scare me. Usually I call you and you're all whispering I'm whispering. I don't know what I'm going to do. Get the fuck up, cock sucker. You got an edible in you. Go drink some bat juice and make it happen. It's funny. When I first call you, I'll talk to you around two or something and you're all happy. You're all up. Maybe around six we'll talk. And then if I talk to you like past nine o'clock, it's just like you can barely form words. That's what happens after six out of 18 joints during the day. After my six dirty

all the worlds meet like after Diane Sawyer, all the murals meet and my fucking head almost blows up and I'm stoned. I just sit there but I went out. Got fucking pissed off last night, Lee. What happened? Pissed off two times. First off, I went to kickboxing later. We were all fucking there to go to kickboxing. Yeah, for me, the best part of my day is when I leave here now because I go home, I watch a little SpongeBob with my daughter. Who lives in a pineapple? The bottom of the seat is SpongeBob SquarePants. That's my episode and shit. About 10 to nine, we get the fuck out of there. We go for a little walk to about 10, 30. Then my girl comes over and I get to do my day. But I like those two hours. It's just a little exercise. I probably walk

around three miles, which I feel good. It's good for my circulation. It's good for my heart. But I wanted to kickbox last night. I went all day. I was a little tuned up. They're doing construction on Burbank Boulevard. They're fucking tearing it up. Oh, there's the whole guy. Oh my God. So I went there. It's 8.30. I'm already warmed up. We're going through the first set of fucking drills. The guy comes in and he goes, the ticket lady's out there. And she's going to give tickets to people all along the parking lot against the wall. I was one of them. I went out there. I drove on for fucking 15 minutes going to find a parking spot. I went down there for nothing. I was pissed. I went home. Then I got dressed and I sat there. My friend said he was doing a late show with flappers.

So I went down to flappers just to watch the show, just to get out of my head. I was going to be home by 11. He was doing like the 10-30 show or something. I hadn't seen him in a while. So I got out of flappers. I'm already getting out of flappers and you get bombarded by these fucking comics that I knew 20 years ago when I first moved here. And we both had the same pads at the Comedy Stone. One day they just frizzled that. I didn't see them anymore and God the fuck knows. And you see these people and you drive back from flappers on Magnolia Boulevard and it's really empty at night. It's fucking like you can do 100 on Magnolia. And I always think about when people come up to me and I feel bad, they make me feel bad because

I stuck with this. What do you mean? What did they say to you? They make a little comment. Yeah, I got a day job now. We all can't be like you or something. Is it like we all can't get on that podcast or something? And it's like you know what guys, I work fucking hard. I was fucked up for 20 years but I always stuck with this. No matter how broke I was or hung over or coked up or not having coke or because I would never go on stage coked up. I always got on stage. I always knew that as long as I got on stage everything was gonna be okay. I would stay on course. That's what I'm trying to say. And a lot of people they let shit drift. Something happens in their life and they forget about the fucking course. They forget about the main fucking course.

So now I'm supposed to feel bad. I'm supposed to feel bad. And then they'll call. I won't see him for seven or eight years and then I'll bump into him and it'll be nice to bump into him and then I'll give him my number and then it's three calls about road work or whatever the fuck. You've made yourself irrelevant in this business or whatever business you created. And now you look at the people who work because nobody gave me nothing. I'm not good looking. I'm dirty. You know, I'm fat. There's nothing for people to want to put me on and be fucking seat. But I always believed in myself when I kept getting on stage but now they make you feel bad. Yeah, I get a lot. People are like not everyone can go to college or not everyone can just move

out to LA. And people like people don't see that I'm working 80 hours a week or that I have $80,000 in college debt that I'm paying off every month. I think when people see that you're doing something good it's easier for them to just shoot it down and they think it's given to you. But very few people get stuff given to them. It's mostly just out of hard work. You know, for some reason my phone doesn't ring like it used anymore. Ten years ago I would take a thousand calls a day and we would make plans for the comics and then it started drifting. Like people got to drift that, you know what man? I didn't want to hear about your bad luck anymore. We all have fucking bad luck but there's only one way to do this and that's to get on course and

stay on it and you survive through the bad luck. You're gonna have fucking bad luck. So get ready for it but you know that no matter what happens, fuck you, pay me. You still got to get on stage. But fuck you, pay me. You still got... You know, I went to... It's really funny. I'm really getting a kick out of going to jujitsu. Something I never wanted to go to. I'm really getting a kick from it because first off last Friday I went to the class and everybody scared me out of that black belt class. There's a black belt who owns a school who teaches on Mondays and Fridays. He's a John John Machado black belt and everybody said, you know, he has the stain called Marcello Madness where they kill you and they do. You have to do 40 fucking squat thrust and then clap at the end

and run a sprint. Oh yeah, this ain't fucking... I couldn't even do one squat thrust. You know in college I used to do squats first every night. They're my favorite fucking exercise. I would do a line of coke and do a hundred fucking squat thrusts. The dog would just stare and look at me. I love them. Burpees, whatever people call them. I can't do one. I'm too heavy to control my shoulders hurt when I drop down. There's just too much fucking pain on my shoulders, you know. But I went and I did one burpee. I did the sit-ups. I did the push-ups. I ran, you know. And he said a story how, you know, I don't go to jujitsu to be Joe Lozano. I'm 50 fucking years old. I'm in no danger. I go to jujitsu to overcome one of my fears, you know. I hate fucking rolling

on my back because I have sleep apnea. That's the bottom line. I have sleep apnea so it's tough to fucking breathe. Even when you're awake? Oh yeah, even when I'm awake. Sometimes if I get on my back and I'm not prepared, then I don't breathe, right? And I stop breathing. I get on my back. Jesus, that would be scary. I'm behind the fucking eight ball. But no, I have to do this. It's like I'm scared of needles. You know how many needles Dr. Hammy put in me yesterday? There was one point. There was one point I was sitting there, right? And I went to adjust something. I looked. I had fucking three needles sticking out of my arm, flapping. And a deep one over here that I could feel every time I turned my hand. I could feel on the muscle and shit like that. Jesus. You know,

you think I want to sit through that shit? I feel a lot. That's why I'm so tired today because I drank a ton of water last night, but I only got five hours of sleep. But what we talking about? Oh, Marcelo. And after the class, he told the story. He goes, listen, bro, when I first came to jujitsu, I used to get anxiety. I used to get panic attacks and beating on the bottom. So I went home and started sleeping with a mattress on top of me. Jesus. Just to put pressure on top of me all night. And he goes, I have another person. He goes, I started putting another mattress on top of that. Then I started asking my wife and my brother to sleep on top of that fucking mattress just to make yourself overcome that fear.

Yeah. You know, and I'm, you know, like when you listen to music and you think they're talking to you, like it was the same way. I thought he was talking to me and he said, don't fucking give up. You know, don't give up. And it's so weird that it's easy for me now. It's easy for me to go to jujitsu and get beat up for fucking 10 years. Like he said he was a white belt for two years. He said he was a fucking blue belt for seven years. And then he was a brown purple belt for like two years. And he got a purple brown belt for two years, but he was stuck in blue belt. Yeah. Whatever. And you're not going for the belt. You don't care what you care less. Yeah. The only belt I'm going for for breathing, but it's, it's so funny how a lot of people would

have quit. Yeah. It's easy. It's so much easier to quit. And guys, I used to quit at everything when I was a kid. Comedy was the comedy, coke and crime was the first shit I ever stuck with. You know, and I would have stuck with the crime. I was pretty good at being a criminal. It just, you know, you throw all your odds against the wall. You're gonna end up in prison. There's no Chinese food in prison. There's no Chinese food. There's no chopsticks. You can't get it. There's no fucking, you know what I'm saying? So forget it. I'm not going to fucking prison. But it's so weird how when I bump into these people, I want to grab them and go, you know what, you fucked up. Yeah. Now you got to start from fucking scratch and it sucks dick,

but there's a way for you to start from scratch. And you got to keep going when, when stuff gets bad because like I've told this story before, but right before you and I started working together two years ago, I applied to Best Buy, Domino's and I had an interview, the day we first met, I had an interview at a call collection center because I hadn't heard back from Best Buy in the pizza place as a college graduate because I wasn't making enough money to pay my rent. And it's, I got, people always tell me I'm lucky to work with you and I am, but I was, I was like, I was trying to do stuff and I was ready. When you said what are your ideas, I had ideas and I had stuff going on. So even when stuff is shitty, you can't stop because

stuff is going to come up. Listen, man, Cheryl Crowe on the second album says something about don't stop to the miracle. If you quit the miracle, you won't watch the miracle happen. Listen, just stick it out. I'm telling you, no matter, you know, every time I go to kick boxing, I can't fucking breathe, you know, in November and December, I'd say to myself, just stick it out. Keep coming back another day. And when you do the first 30 minutes, once I, once you do the first 10 minutes, you're gone. That's it. Once you look at the clock and it says 620 or you're 20 minutes in, no matter all those drills and shit, you passed them. So now you put your mitts on or whatever. The same thing happens when I go do the eupoleptical, whatever

the fucking eupoleptical machine. You know, you get on that motherfucker the first day, three minutes, I remember Lee after the longest yard. I'm doing fucking a gram of coke a day. I'm eating like a fucking gorilla. Jesus. You know, I'm smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. That's if I didn't do coke. If I was doing coke, I'd stop and get a two pack of Camelites. Okay. And smoke both packs of cigarettes from 11 o'clock at night to five in the morning. Jesus Christ. This is terrible. This was a terrible disease I had going on. And then I'd sleep five hours a fucking night, you know, which makes it worse and I'd eat like a fucking animal and nothing good, no carrots, no salads, no fucking water. I didn't drink water then at all.

There was no, I only drank water when I ate Chinese food. That cold glass they give you. I love the cold glass. You take the straw and the coke and put it in the water and drink that real fucking good. And it's just fucking amazingly, I was falling into an 18 pounder one day. I realized that across the street from my house, there was a YMCA. And for years, I knew there was a YMCA and I would cross the street on a guilt. It was like a fucking, you know, like when you see a religious cult you don't like. When I was a kid, they'd be like weird things on certain blocks. And you cross the fucking street. We'd normally be popping the microphone. You cross the fucking street over because you want to avoid those people. That's the way it was for me. I would avoid the YMCA.

Like I wouldn't even make believe there was a Y there. And I finally walked in there one day Lee and they had this coaches program where if you sign up the first four times, they put you together with a little coach and he gives you an exercise program. But the first thing he has to do is evaluate you and see where you're at. So he runs you on the cardio thing. Yeah. Lee, after three minutes, he told me to get off. I couldn't even walk three minutes on the fucking treadmill. Oh, wow. When I first got on the fucking treadmill, ladies and gentlemen, in 2006, I could not even make three minutes without stopping and getting off at 1.5. Never

mind now I get on it. It's 3.8 or something like that. At that day, I would put it on at 1.52 and I couldn't walk three fucking minutes. And now you're doing the Dolce and Sprint. Oh, I can't do those no more. My fucking left. But I'm going to tell you something. We're going to talk about this right now. I did some research on the strong bone. I really liked it. I was very impressed with the strong bone when I first did. I didn't know if it was the the the fucking that I was used to working out. I'm a fat fuck, man. We all are. You know, and you try to work out and when you want to know why you might get yourself hurt. And that staggers your fucking workout thing. So that's why I always tell people to fucking warm up, warm up your knees, warm up your

elbows. Do a few jumping jacks. Lee, you didn't do no jumping jacks. They beat enough to your idea. That's why I love it. You love them. I love them too. I love them. Something about jumping jacks. And what are we talking about? Strong bone. And I read and it's something with my line there or something like that. Now you guys are saying Joey, honor your fucking sponsoring. You don't know what's in fucking strong bone. I could sit here with a piece of paper and pen and lie to you. I don't know what the fuck's in it. I know one thing. I know fucking works. It's like cocaine. You do a line of coke. You don't know what the fuck's in it. Next, you know, you're looking out windows. Your jaw's going from side to side. You're having a good time, you know. So what the

fuck? Do you sit there and go, what's in this? No, you just fucking inhale it and give poncho 40 bucks once a fucking night, right? So it's so weird how I went on. When I first went to that Jiu Jitsu class a month ago, the first time I got on my knees and I blasted this left knee. This is a surgery knee. And but right from there, I went to Dr. Amy. She put some needles in there. She lays it at floor me. She cupped it to put the blood in there. I can't, you know, it got a little bit better. She eased the pain. That night, I got to take some run and be profaned. I don't want to call the doctor because it's just going to stick fucking quarters on in that now at this point. They're going to stick me with a needle or quarters on. I'm in no mood for that shit. That

shit is not good for you. I had it shot in my fucking, you know, when I was a five. Bro, I've been running and I used to get bursitis on my heels. So you got to stick the fucking needle in there, suck it out and then stick that. You don't know. I would be green. I would go get shot at 10. I couldn't leave till four in the afternoon and fuck up my whole day. This is before I can punch it. I hate the fucking needles. So, uh, health is the fucking issue, cock suckers. You know, you're young. Stay on top of this shit one hour a day. Don't let, I love how people always say, well, I don't have the time. You got to make time for it. You got to say, at this time, every day, last night, I was told to send that. I had like comedy hell last night. Some girl came with

her. She's like, I like to hear your advice about something. She's got this headlining gig. I have to do 35 minutes for on December or August 12th. And I don't know if I should take it. And I'm like, why wouldn't you take it? I don't know if you've been doing comedy. She goes seven years. I go, where is the gig at? She goes, Louisiana. I go, take the fucking gig. And then she goes, well, I only think I have about 30 minutes. I go, so you need another fucking 10 or 15 minutes. That's a piece of cake. And she goes, maybe for you it is. You know, no, it's not for fucking me, but take a chance. I go, nothing happened to you today. That wasn't interesting. Well, you mean to tell me in your life from Sunday to Sunday, from coast to coast, nothing happened to you. That

was fucking interesting. You didn't get a ticket. Nothing that made you giggle by yourself and you were walking. She goes, yeah, okay. But and she started arguing like for you. Nothing bothers me more when people go, Oh, it's easy for you. It's not easy for me. I'm a fucking loser. What easy, you know what I'm saying? Like these people take like you have the God's hand, like somebody's helping you fucking right now. You're seeing life through the same eyes. I'm fucking seeing, you know, I just always make a mental no holy fuck. That's bizarre. You know, I still can't forget that day that me and you were getting in your car and I fought it. And what are you doing? I'm like, I'm farting. I don't want to fart in your car. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to insult nobody.

And I fought it and it was so bad. I knew it was gonna be, you know, I have to get that protein shit for breakfast and someone needs to take a chance. Like let's say you have something in your stomach from the night before and the protein powder hits it. It's like World War fucking three. There's Iranians. Yeah, but I don't have no fucking hot dog last night. We leave whatever you eat with that bacon wrap hot dog comes out smell. I took a shit one night after those tacos and a couple of bacon wraps. Like you take one of those midnight shits when you get home because the taco push everything out. Yeah, I took a midnight shift in the tacos. The next morning I like ate, I got up. Didn't smell like shit in the bathroom, but that that strong odor

that the baton of that piece of shit. Because sometimes when you flush it, the shit breaks in the toilet. Oh yeah, that's what stinks terrible. Once it breaks and you're one of those farts in this poor old woman. Oh my god. And that's my life, Lee. I see that every day. So I stay in the back of my mind if I see that, you know, I'm a comic. Cause when you're a comic, you make your own little fucking jokes in your head. Now you don't have to say them. You just make little jokes and you're gonna say, Oh, I'm gonna say that on States night. But I wanted to show Lee that this is how life is. I farted. I get in the car and I go, Lee, this lady's gonna walk right into this fight. And as I farted, I'm smiling at Lee.

I'm like, Lee, and he's like, get in the car and I look up and there's a lady walking. Oh no. I get in the fucking car with Lee. We're both sitting there looking at each other. We go, Lee, watch this lady. Lee, tell them. Cause there's nothing I think I made this up. This woman was probably like, if you see a movie, like, and there's an old Italian grandma that's 87 years old and takes like 20 minutes to walk from like one, like 20 feet away. This woman was like a thousand years old and she was just on her morning walk, probably just the little bit of exercise she gets. And it was like slow motion. We watched her walk into like the, the crop dusting that Joey left. And this woman, she didn't stop walking. She just, her

nose wrinkled up into her face and she started waving in front of me. And we both fucking died. We lost it. We fucking, I told Lee, this is what I, this is why I do comedy because this is my day. And even when things were bad, like things were fucking horrible. I'd be like borrowing money and thinking about robbing somebody. Something would happen. I would fucking giggle my ass. But I'm pissed. I didn't keep notes when I was a burglar. You remember it enough. Well, but I didn't keep, I can trade. You know, I should have kept like a memoir when I was a fucking thief slash burly with the music. Well, that's how everyone gets caught. All these murderers to keep fucking, fucking diaries. You're gonna start to read from what

Uncle Joey about. I'm like, sure, why not? Oh, shit. What do you got for me today? What is this? Start from the beginning of the week. You want it from the very beginning? Yeah, yeah. This is a fucking jam, Lee. This is a fucking jam. You know, very rarely do I put like women on this show because I think, oh, you guys always knuckleheads. I got some badass women. I'm gonna start profile. This is one of them. This is Chade and 85 with that fucking African forehead. Borrowing shit from the fucking seventies. A little Rufus reaching Chaka Khan type shit on the guitar. This is a jam. I'm telling you, Lee. Go, Lee Lee.

It's a beautiful day to be alive, believe it or not, man. Whatever your situation, get up, cocksuckers, get up, wash your pussy, wash your balls, get out there, salute the motherfucking son. Let them know who the bad motherfucker is. Kick it, Lee, kick it, Lee, kick it, Lee, kick it, Lee. What? What? What? What? What? Oh, shit, Lee. Oh, shit, Lee. You gonna wave your phone to Jimmy? Oh, shit. That's my boy, Lee Syat, the flying Jew. Jews, hell, raise cocksuckers. It's a beautiful day to be a fucking Jew. Right now, go to the Bank of America, look how much you got in the bank.

Insane of yourself. It's a beautiful fucking day to be a Jew. I gotta go over there and put fucking $2 in there today. What's up, dog, you bad motherfucker, you Lee Syat. How's it going? This is good. This is reminding me. The other night, I couldn't sleep because I was sleeping all day from the edible. And I rewatched American Gangster. And I didn't like it the first time I saw it. I didn't like it because it was a man on fire. So I owned it and I decided to rewatch it. That's a fucking good movie. That's a fucking good movie. He's bad at, and I hear this movie about the plane when the plane goes by. Yeah, I heard that's good too. I heard that's a good motherfucker, too. But I thought of you for the entire movie just because it's like he's the driver

of the head of Harlem for like 16 years. He knows to the day, how many days he worked with him. And all they talk about is customer service and all that. And he goes and he's selling the best purest heroin for half the money of the other guys. And his entire thing is based on family and respect. But the thing that ends up being his downfall is his hot wife buys him a fucking mink and the FBI finally catches on to him. But it's a boy was against his his nature. He was very low key. He didn't want to sit with the fucking, you know, whatever. He put the fucking mink on all of a sudden they started taking that. You know, that's a very great story that, you know, I went to see mud with my wife Monday. How was it? I haven't seen it. It was okay. You know,

it was a whatever the good looking guy and some fucking kids. One kid was hysterical. The real hot blonde that just got caught DUI and with her boyfriend or her husband, she reached with a spoon, reached with a spoon. I went with my wife and ice man was playing there. And she asked me how it was again. And we because we had like a half hour, they put your poultry now next door. Oh, they did. To tell Emily. Yeah, fucking tremendous. Not bad. Not bad. It's always past like I've driven by that you can't find parking spot and whatever. So I sat there, you know, and was looking at the bunch of questions, about what they did with the story. You know, for people who watch American Gangster, it was about

the Italians. First off, the Chinese were bringing the fucking heroin in. The Chinese people have always been the baddest motherfuckers when it comes to heroin. They just didn't want to do that. They're fucking intelligent. You know, when you go into a Chinese restaurant, what do you see a family working? You see three kids doing homework, two families put their geetus together, and they've opened this up. That's a scam. These guys are making money from heroin. They can do that to cover their tracks because they're smart. They're not fucking Puerto Ricans or Cubans or none. They don't need to they don't need for you to know that they have money. No, they need to know that's a strength. We're the only ones that act like fucking

yams when we fucking dress up with gold jewelry and jump up and down. No, no, no, no, the fucking Chinese never did nothing. They're bringing the heroin in. They didn't have the muscle to go to the blacks and the Puerto Ricans and the Cubans and Dominicans and sell the heroin. So they became the Italians became their fucking out. The Italians were robbing them. So the Italians are giving them 55,000 a pound of heroin. They'd make a half a million on the fucking heroin. Half a million. They cut that thing a thousand times. You cut it, then give it to black guys like fucking Frank Lucas. Frank Lucas said, fuck you, motherfuckers. I'm going straight to fucking Bangkok. I'm going to deal direct with white pot of ma. And we're going to take over.

And that's what happened. He was very, very smart. Remember when he goes in and he sees the Academy award winner and he tells him, you're cutting my shit over. And now when people buy Coca-Cola, they know what to expect. Beautiful speech. It's a speech. It's great. He says like, it's a name brand and people, people trust me, even if they don't know me. And it's on the street. He took the business sense from the CEO and put it on the street. That's why he was fucking successful. But he went against, you always slip up. You always do that one thing, the pussy making out, you put the fur on, you go to the thing where the big fur, they started taking pictures. But the beautiful story about that was, I mean, I was thinking about this yesterday. I can't believe

I was telling this, one of my friends on the other one was talking about what happened in China town. What happened? How in the early 80s, Chinese people started saying, fuck this shit. We want to be, we want to fucking, we want our money. The Chinese people shut down, canouse. I mean, the Chinese people took half of their town, Little Italy. This is, they went to war. And there was a movie called Year of the fucking Dragon with Mickey Rourke that portrayed that little war that they had. It was over fucking heroin. But there's a book and I have spoken about the book called The Pleasant Avenue Connection. You cannot buy the fucking book. Of course, you'll, Felipe bought it for me for 100 fucking bucks. You could go to a library and rent it out

and read it there. Okay. Like LA has it. I had to go down to LA County with my wife, take it out and read the book a whole afternoon. And what's it about? It's about how heroin was in the 60s, when they found out like how many fucking idiots became bazillionaires selling heroin. And this big street was Pleasant Avenue. And it was the street. And basically you pulled up with a car with your fucking money in the trunk. And I took the car from you. You went and had lunch. And when you came out, I drove your keys to a new car and it had the heroin and you drove it back to where the fuck you were going. And that's how easy it was to buy heroin on that fucking block. So the Italians, in turn, were taking black guys like Frank Lucas and going, here's a fucking pound

of heroin for 80,000. And we're going to cut it to pieces. He was an entrepreneur. He was very smart at the end of the fucking family. I mean, I read the book, you know, I know the books I know. I grew up in that area. And I knew about Frank Lucas and the other fucking guy you heard about my mother had a bot on a 27th and auto bot. Did you ever see one of those apartments that they show where they're where they're cutting up their own? Fuck. Yeah. Those projects right there, not those one particular, but I used to go to projects that were very similar to us on 125th Street. It was right by the Popeyes Chicken and the Apollo downmore down there. And that's where Jasper Williams used to live when we were kids. And so this day, I never forget that fucking

black dude, that was my first fucking friend ever, first friend ever, a fucking darkest fucking kid. And I wish he would pop out or somebody would say, Joey, I found Jasper Williams, but nobody's come out to me and said, I don't have a fucking nobody's got a black fucking friend no more. What's happening, baby boy? So speaking of American gangster, we're brought to you again by Hulu Plus. There's a banner on your website, joeyds.net, or you can go to huluplus.com slash Joey. And I fucking love it, man. You get a two week free trial. It's I was on there and they have they have movies, they have that fat secondarily dead movie that I did the juice fast from, they have Pulp Fiction, they have Health Kitchen, they have TV shows. And it's just fucking awesome

man. And you said Terry's using it. Terry's using it. She loves it. She can't believe it. She lived without it. She said so. Yeah. So just to remind you guys, you have to do huluplus.com slash Joey and it has to be lowercase, uppercase doesn't work. Lowercase, get your shit together. Yeah. And it's just, it's amazing. It has everything you can do. I got like two emails the other day and Joey tried to use it. I said, you use fucking lowercase, lowercase, lowercase. Even I know that and I'm a moron. And it's a, like I said, they have WWE, they have 300 pages of stuff you can watch and it's, they have full, they have full seasons. They have one of my favorite shows. It's called Shark Tank and it's, it's the juice favorite show.

You, they have people going on there with invention. That's your favorite show? I tell you, that's my favorite show. I stay in and watch it Friday night till eight o'clock. I love it. Cause I love it. I love it. It's like the money. So they got all three seasons, all like nine seasons. They're from this season up on huluplus. Oh yeah, fucking. Nobody tells me this. They had on the season finale, they had a guy who was making doughnut grilled cheeses and the franchise made like a million dollars and stuff. People go crazy for it, but I love that show. So that's up there. I love the chick. The chick's kind of cute. There's two of them. They have a young one, like a who's on like the, uh, like the home shopping network and then they

have an older one, but I like, like I mark Cuban and then the Mr. Wonderful, the bald guy in the black eyes. Oh yeah. Damon John. Yeah. No, it's great. Go to huluplus huluplus.com slash joey or whether there's a banner at joeyds.net and lower case lower case. You get two weeks free, then it's only 799 after that. Who's better than me? No one. It's Wednesday. Get up. We got a live podcast tonight, six to six, five, seven, seven, 1894. Come on down, smoke some dope. It's like 10 bucks. Yeah. It's Wednesday night. Egg is coming down from that back. Oh shit. I haven't seen him for a while. He's working nights now. He's like Joe Pesci and fucking good fellas. Mine is working nights. It's interesting. You watched, so you watched the whole American gang. Yeah,

I loved it. It was a, I, because when you have a movie like a man on fire, that was just so amazing. You're always going to kind of try to compare the two and I just, I couldn't do it. He shot his load on, on man on fire. He really fucking did. It was, it's been on an American movie. Yeah, people keep tweeting me whenever it's on. It's on. It's on like a four in the fucking afternoon. You sit down and he's, you know, telling heck to the vote to shoot himself. That's a great scene when he talks to the guy and the fuck to shoot himself. I love this scene in American gangster where the guy, right when his boss died, another drug dealer was trying to take him over and he said 20%. So he, he paid it. But then when Frank Lucas started being big, he went up to him. He's

like, here, take, give me 20%. And the guy said, no, he just fucking shot him right there while his brothers were sitting there watching for a diner. Tremendous. And now his brothers aren't going to do shit to him because he shot a guy in public and then came back and fucking ate. See, but that was New York City. That's what people don't understand. When people go, why go to New York and have a good time? You got to go, you got to go to New York and people mind their fucking business. See, now you have Yuppie having New York. You have one time in New York, people mind their fucking business. You could stab a motherfucker right next to you. You know, I still think about that night when my stepfather shot me going to like,

you know, there was 80 people at that party. Yep. You know, this was New York in 1972, 71 when people out on the streets, it was, you know, the summertime. I don't know what time of the year it was. I remember what clothing my stepfather shot this motherfucker at three thirty in the fucking morning. There was 80 people at this party. And then you said, you guys, like he just took your hand and you walked to the river and threw it in there or something. We walked to the fucking car. Not right. Like I was blown the fuck away. He had a 45. You may have 45 go off. No, but there's a big one. Sounds like a fucking cannon going on. Boom. Boom. It sounds like I was fucking an awe. By this time in my life, I was eight or nine. I had

known I had seen him knock out a fucking guy already. So I knew what time it was. I never knew it was gun time. I never knew it was gun time. I never knew it was boom, boom, boom time. You know, and I gotta tell you, I don't give a fuck who the fuck you are. When you see your dad shoot somebody, that's a great fucking feeling. That's a great feeling. That's my fucking dad just shooting a motherfucker. I mean, they could go both ways. Your dad could get shot. But I never forgot all those situations as a kid. I had a thousand of them. I have a thousand situations where I saw a ship go down the street and nothing ever came of it. Nothing. There was no witnesses. There was nothing. There was nothing. And I've always said the best, if you're going to do

something, do it where there's a lot of people. Do it because you'll be very surprised what people see and what people don't see in there. Because there's more reasonable doubt. I guess 80 people have a little bit of a different story. If you look at hits, the other day I was watching Steak Houses 2. It's on Food Network and they show up on Steak. Oh, I'm going to say it sounds like a fat guy's paradise. Yeah, they show you where all the best steaks are and they go to Peter Luger's. They go to this place. They go to that place. But at the end, they went to Sparks and they spoke about when the Mafia guy got hit there, Paul Castellano. They shot that guy at six o'clock at night. You know what I mean? A week before fucking Christmas when everybody's out, December 12th

to December 15th, it was December something. They just got shot at fucking midnight. Nobody saw nothing. Years later, yeah, they pieced the guy. It didn't take a genius to know it was Goddy. But you think about how when you go to Sparks, when you walk past Sparks, like if you ever walking on 3rd Avenue and you're in a rush or whatever the fuck it is, and you look up and you, because that's how I discovered it. I discovered I was doing a spot in the New York Comedy Club in 1994 at Al Martin's place. And I used to go for a walk before I'd go on stage. And I'm going for a stage and I saw Sparks and I crossed the street and I stood there and I go, so you mean to tell me? This motherfucker showed up with guns and shot a motherfucker right here, right here in the

street. Not right now, there's only 200 people. He shot him at five o'clock when there was 20,000 fucking people. And he got away with it. They couldn't have descriptions. That's the brilliance of it. They never expected it. You never fucking expected. That's crazy. That's the brilliance of it. That, you know, five o'clock was safe. This is America. This is the United States. Nothing's going to happen. And these eight guys dressed up as Russian guys with hats, and they shot the head of the fucking Gambino in the middle of the fucking street. You could do this every fucking day. People just don't do it. I'm not saying you can shoot people, but I'm talking about it. If you're going to do something, do it the smartest faction. You don't even know how we got in this fucking

conversation. When you're saying the story about your dad, about your stepdad, I've never really like I've been in like kind of like little fights, like pushing people or whatever, but I've never like, I've gotten mad at people before and like wanted to punch them in the face and I've never done it. What does that feel like? Like, I just have to imagine it feels awesome. Like it just feels horrible. Does it really? It feels horrible. I just want to, I feel like- So if you're getting paid for fighting, that's one fucking thing. You know, if you're getting paid to fight somebody, that's one thing. They get into a fight in the fucking street with strangers. That's a horrible fucking feeling. I'm not even like saying like bullies or whatever at school. Like I just wanted

to like- Oh yeah. Listen, man. When I was a kid, I got beat up. I mean, I got beat up even though I was going to karate and shit and then you start getting a little older and you start, you know, I remember going to karate for two or three years, getting into a fist fight, not using karate. What the fuck? What the fuck? You know, when I was at 205 West 88th street, it was weird. I was a little on the top side and I got my mouth busted one time and my mother had to knock on the people's door and then my mother made me refight the kid. You know, my mother was a fucking savage at the time because she knew how important it was that I got my shit together at that age five. I was a single fucking, my mom was a single mom at that time. So she knew the

importance of me getting my shit off at that age. So when I got, like I got into a couple of fights there that were going to put me in Catholic school, at that time I was already in karate. When I went to Sacred Heart School for boys, I think I got beat up one time and I think I beat one guy up one time. Like I kicked him or something like that. And then I got to North Bergen and that was a completely different fucking sport. I got beat up by John Bender one time. You know, and when I say beat up, you know, he took, he got the best of me in a fight. I think I threw two punches at him and got like his eye or something like that. Don't get me wrong. It's like I got on the floor and cried. You stick up for yourself. You're going to lose the fights.

I always felt uncomfortable. It was out of my fucking normal comfort zone. Because you don't know what could happen. As I got older, like I didn't mind fighting when you're 12 or 14. That's going to happen when you play football. It's that shit that happens after you're 18. You're driving and I'm fucking driving. Oh, has that happened to you? Oh my god. Oh my god. You felt like road rage shit? I've had situations where people have gone at me and you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what this guy's got in a car. So now you got to throw him the fuck off. Like one time an aspen, I was coming back with like a pound of blow. I'll never forget this one. We had a little Mazda two-seater car and the girl who I ended up marrying was,

and we were driving and somebody said something to me and I opened up the fucking glove compartment and there was touch up paint, like a can of paint. And I whipped that, that fucking glass. And this motherfucker nearly killed it. And you got to think about all that dumb shit. Another time I got into a fight when my wife was pregnant, when she was not carried, but the first one was pregnant. Today the fucking cops are coming over. I get into a fucking fight with a guy that's crazy upstairs from me. He was beating me up at first. He had me because he punched me and I slipped on the snow. But then I got my bearings around me and I flipped them over and I started punching them. That's when the cops got that I'm on probation

for the kidnapping. Like she had just gotten into labor, right? That's the story. Yeah, that's it. That's the one. So you sit there and I've got, but Lee, it's so fucking overrated, man. It's a scary feeling that I would never ever want to go through again. Well, that's good to know. Like, I don't know. I was thinking about when you were saying that, I was like, Jesus, I've never really, and people listening, I don't want to like get in a fight with you, like don't mess around. But like, like I had people, like when I was younger and I would get bullied or whatever, like I always like, I just want to buy that, like imagine punching them in the face. We all do. We all do. That's part of being a fucking man. That's testosterone.

That's the whole thing. But it's a lot easier to let your hands go up. It's fucking terrible. It's fucking terrible. It's terribly get hit in the face. That shit's fucking terrible, man. It's, I didn't like it. You know, I've gotten my nose busted. Like, I was thinking about when I was a kid, we used to go to Mario Diaz's house, a Cuban Chinese kid. Yeah. He lived at the block from the Keltos across the street from Marlowe, this black, he was the only black chick in the neighborhood. She was like a fat little black on the bungalow chick. I loved the Marlowe's coolest shit. Her mother was black, her father was white or something like that. Her grandmother was white. Somebody was white and they lived in

this apartment building. They were fucking cool as shit. We'd go to Mario Diaz's house at night and there'd be different kids. One kid knew Waikido. This one, I was 14 people. One kid knew Waikido. The other kid knew Goju Karate, the other kid knew Fuju Pai Kung Fu. And we'd just go at it for fucking hours. I remember going into that basement, there was holes in all the walls. From us fucking fucking ourselves up and then just like shaking hands. Like we'd pat ourselves up and just beat the fuck out of each other lead. And then go home. We'd go home when the parents would come down and go, what are your kids doing down here? Nothing. What happened to the wall? Nothing, man. There was a hole there. It was hysterical. He had punching bags. He had Kabudu

Tampas. Those things the cop used, when they come out, they have those sticks with the fucking thing they hold. We would hit with those things. We were crazy little motherfuckers. We used to chip in money and on Saturdays go over to the city to this place called Honda. Honda Martial Arts Center. And we'd buy fucking iron palm techniques and the juice you put on your hands. We were fucking crazy. We used to buy the fucking stars. And in those days you had to sharpen them in the, oh my. You sharpened the throwing stars? Yeah, because they sell you the throwing stars, but they never sharpened. Well, yeah, because they don't want people to get stabbed. But then we started sharpening them and I don't know what's going to happen to the flying stars. I love when

you cut yourself with a flying star. Your flying stars days are over. It's like new chucks. You hit yourself in the fucking head pretty hard. You're done with new chucks for a couple of weeks. I love when you're kidding. You're fighting. I had a brother and we would fight, but as soon as the mom or the dad was like, what's going on? You're acting tough whenever you're fighting, but as soon as one of the parents was like, quiet down. It's funny when you're a kid. He started. No, I started. No, but I don't. It's always good. You've gotten punched in the face, I suppose. I don't think so. No bully ever karate chopped you in the neck. I think I've gotten fights and I got suspended one day in high school because this,

this bigger kid was messing with me and I, I'm, I'm short, but I'm sturdy. So I fucking, we were in the locker room and I shoved him. I pushed him a bunch of times into some lockers. I never really punched him, but no, I, I, I got bullied, but I don't think I ever got in like a real like fight, like getting punched in the face or the thing. You know, once it's easier to hit people, then you get to that age where you get hit and you don't like hitting people no more. Cause you know how fucking bad it feels. You're like, fuck, I don't even want to forget hitting the nose or getting like my nose got busted. And then, you know, I tell that story online about us going into a boulevard East, you know, and we were mugging what we thought were gay men,

but they weren't really gay men. If you really think about it, they were just perverts. It was and duskies that would come over and that, you know, because these guys had nice cars and all this shit at the time. And that's a part of my life that, that, you know, I did it for six or seven months and I felt like a barbarian. Like when Joe Rogan, those people talk about Genghis Khan, that's what I felt like when I was going down to the role of these people. Like it wasn't a fucking great time in my life. I have two ways to describe that point in my life. I could sit there and not talk about it, or I could sit there and laugh at it. I could sit here and honestly tell you, Lee, that I never broke somebody's arm or something. You punch them in the stomach and

you ask them for your fucking wallet. That's going to happen in the fucking city. If somebody's going to put a gun to you, you have something like that. I never abused nobody, I never bullied nobody. That was never my intention. I was a dumb fucking kid. And for a time, you thought that was cool, you know, mugging people or whatever. You know, I got arrested for aggravated robbery. You think of those two fucking words. Yeah. Was that the one in Colorado or? Oh, yeah, that was the one in Colorado, but I had done it before and after. It wasn't the first time, you know. And you think about aggravated robbery. What ugly two fucking words those are. Those are the two ugliest fucking words I say. Fuck is nothing. The muffler is nothing, you know.

Aggravated fucking robbery. That's trying to rob somebody with a fucking pistol. If I wouldn't have got caught that time, what would have been next? Maybe somebody, that day I would have gone, they would have had a fucking pistol. You never know. That's why fighting is so scary. Because you never know what the other guys got. And do you worry about that? I know, I know it's every fucking day. I know it's every day because I've seen it happen. Well, not even that. I was thinking, it's a few years away from mercy, but I don't know how girls act. Like, like, how do you think you're going to approach it? Because I mean, one day, mercy is going to get bullied. Like, as a father, I think you want to go down there and like,

and fuck him up or something. Like, I don't know what you do. Listen, man, every child at one point, I don't know if they get bullied. I mean, I got bullied. You know, I was Cuban. I was Spanish. My mother used to put white fucking slippery shoes on me. Okay, plus jewelry. And I think my mom used to put the jewelry on me to test me. Like, to make sure my mother was very stern with me. Like, don't let nobody touch that. Don't let nobody touch that. Don't let nobody touch your face. Don't let nobody touch that bracelet. Don't let nobody touch your body. Don't let nobody touch you. My mother was very stern. I sit here sometimes and this is the creepiest fucking thing I'm ever going to say on the podcast. I think about how lucky I am that I was never molested.

Like, I will beat myself up thinking about my past to see if I got molested, because they say most children get molested and we sweep it under a carpet. And I always, you know, in the situations I lived in, why didn't I get molested? What do you mean why? Was I that ugly as a fucking kid? Jesus Christ. You know what I'm saying? What about me?

Was I that fucking ugly as a kid? You know, I went to Catholic school. You know, I don't think I was an altar boy or whatever. I think I was an alternate altar boy over at that Sacred Heart School for boys. Like, I just went back there a few times. I'm not saying nothing bad about the Catholics, you know. My mother raised me single mom where I had different babysitters. I remember all of them, you know, like the women and they never bothered me or nothing. You know, when my mother died, why didn't people take advantage of me? It would have been the perfect fucking time.

When I was 16 and vulnerable, 15 and vulnerable. Again, was I that fucking ugly as a kid? You know, but you have to think about that. And I go back to, you know, people always say to me, Joey, when are you writing your book? Joey, when are you writing your book? It's so hard for me to write a book because I'll get stuck on a subject that'll beat me so much that right now I'm stuck on one, you know,

like writing about one. Yeah. But the subject that has always baffled me is how lucky I was. How really lucky I was. I could look you in the eye and tell you about the time where a guy did try to fuck me. You know, I was 15. I was 13 and I was playing basketball at St. Michael's. I told you on the podcast and it was snowing out.

And in those days on Kennedy Boulevard, the buses came like 10 times an hour. When it snowed, they only had one bus out there. Yeah. You know, so you had to wait an hour and a half, two hours and this car pulled up and against everything my mother had raised when I got in the car with this fucking guy. Jesus. And, you know, he started hitting the ball. I was, I had my hands in my jacket.

And I had the ball between my legs and he kept hitting the ball. Oh, you're a big guy, aren't you? Wow. Look at that ball. You know, and something happened by Sears and Roebuck across from Schützen Park on Kennedy Boulevard, the fucking door opened. That was God, Doug. The door just fucking opened.

Oh, really? And I ran out and he made a U-turn to try to get me, but I knew Schützen Park. I ran in there and cut through the fucking weeds and the snow. So I was very fortunate. But you think of all the things that could have happened. Yeah. You know, when my mother died, I could have moved in with somebody who would wake me up in the middle of the night and want me to suck his dick.

You know, whatever. There's so many situations that could have happened. When I was a kid, I remember, you know, when I was a kid, I had like maybe three babysitters and they were all female. But I would always hang out with my godfather, my real godfather, the guy who baptized me. He used to take me to the movies all the time. And give you the gun, right? He gave me the fucking gun and he smoked dope in front of me.

And he was a ladies guy and he had hippy chicks. He was a Cuban guy. He looked like Dick Van Dyke. So he could have been a fucking pervert. You know, he could have been a fucking pervert, made me whack off in front of him, whatever the fuck they do, you know. Who knows what they make you do? I was just very fortunate.

I'm not making fun of people who have been molested. But I think part of that is because of the training my mother gave me. Yeah. When my father died, she became at my world and she would beat it into me. I used to have a fucking bracelet guy in New York. A fucking bracelet. I mean, a gold bracelet. A gold bracelet with my name on it.

Coco. When I was in the first fucking grade. Then I didn't like the name Coco. So I made him make me a diamond ring that said Tony on it. Because my middle name is Antonio. So I made him get me a diamond ring that said Tony on it. And I think my mother gave me those things to prove my fucking shit that I remember I had a chain. When I always had a chain with this Cuban thing on it to say Mano de José.

It's a little black guy playing a bongo drums. His name is Pepe. If your name is Jose, you have to wear that shit. I just have this image of that kid with the cover from the documentary. All those chains. Oh yeah. It was fucking crazy. Slick back hair.

Oh yeah. My mother had me two suits. The whole fucking thing guys. My mother would put white shoes on me. I still remember her telling me once don't run in those shoes when I ran. Yeah. And I couldn't stop. And I fucking crashed.

And I both my knees got scraped up. And they had to put macular chrome and fucking blow on them and shit. Because in the old days there wasn't no spray. They just put that bottle of macular chrome on your fucking knee. Your skin would be hanging off your knee and shit. I'm sure I got fucking bullied. But I went right away. She put me in goju karate.

Yeah. I did taekwondo from like first graders. Oh fucking right away. And I don't know Lee. And I quit everything in those days. I used to quit. They kicked me in the stomach so fucking hard. That I lost the oxygen.

What is that when they kicked the air out? Yeah. Knocked the air out again. This motherfucker knocked the air out of me so hard that it was over. That's the worst feeling. And I remember going back and the guy saying to me I'm happy you came back. You're going to be fine blah blah blah blah blah blah. You know and I used to quit everything.

I can't believe I didn't fucking quit karate at that age. But after that age at least I felt confident. I was never a bully. But when I used to go on the weekends to 148th street where I seen one shoot to do that day. Yeah. That's where I was bullied. I wasn't bullied like the bully they talk about today in the movies.

Like teasing you. It's not teasing. No no no in those days people would take your shit Lee. So let's say you would have like a G.I. Joe. Yeah. And you brought it out to play. Yeah. In the day those kids on 148th street would take your fucking G.I. Joe.

Jesus. And just tell them it was yours and you'll come get it tomorrow. But the place had they had like two brothers. Like let's say it was Lee and his brother Stan. Yeah. Or his brother Les. And they would take your shit Lee. Yeah.

So it was a different type of your man. Like I remember one time my mother we went to get ice cream. And the ice cream man goes let me see your chain. And he pulled it out and my mother fucking hit his hand. And she took me aside. She goes nobody touches that fucking chain. Yeah. Nobody puts their hand on your chain.

Nobody puts their hand anywhere on you. And my mother was so adamant about it that I think I fucking. It ingrained itself. It ingrained itself in me. Like you know when I even when I went at that none. The whole thing was about me covering my face. My mom used to say fucking don't let nobody touch your face. Period.

But mommy was no. I'm the only one I could touch your face. And even then don't let me touch your fucking face. I was that one for you. No you're a man. I was fucking six. She'd be calling me a fucking man. You're a man.

That's why you're going to do this. That's why you're going to eat pussy when you're a fucking man. I'm sitting there like I can't fucking eat pussy. I'm a little girl. But it's so fucked up how nobody did those things. Because the beating she threw on me early on. Eric listen I love my daughter. You want the best for your children.

You know but you also don't want it easy for them. One thing I don't want for my daughter is for it to be easy for her. And I'll tell you why because my mother never made it easy for me. She made it easy enough for me. Like I think about the shit I stuck with here. Like this jujitsu shit how I'll stick with it. Because I've already done comedy. I know a journey.

A journey could be very hard. It could be very easy. It passes very quickly. Yeah it does. Like one minute you're playing the violin with three fucking people. And next thing you know you're in Madison Square fucking garden. Opening up for guns and fucking roses. And you don't know how you get there.

You know why you get there? Because you're stuck with it. That's it. You're stuck with it. On Saturday afternoons when everybody was fucking around you said you know what. I'm going to learn this fucking thing. And you're learning. You're stuck with it.

And you just keep doing it. You keep going back to the well. And eventually even if you fall behind the skill town of time. Like a lot of times when I first got here I asked people how long have you been doing comedy. And they'd say 10 years. And you've been doing comedy seven years. And you're like wow that's how good I'm going to be at 10 years. Sometimes you get stuck at a certain fucking thing.

But if you keep going you get past that hump. You know when you play baseball people go into slumps. Yeah. That's why they spend a lot of money on the Yankees. Because it's moneyball. To them it's a different type of moneyball. They figure there's a pitcher. He don't count.

He's irrelevant. But there's eight people on the team. If four of them are in a slump. We still got four of them in a baton. Yeah. That's the Yankees philosophy. That's why they always get strong bats. Because even if five aren't down.

Three of them. We're just hoping that five of them are good August and September. Yeah. That's our money. We're hoping that in August and September we got five fucking hitters. That are pretty goddamn fucking good. Yeah. No it's crazy.

And it's hard but I was thinking about that. I was like I wonder what you're going to do. Because my dad got beat up as a kid. And my grandfather was a dry cleaner. But he like he went to the horse races. And he knew some guys. So one day my dad got beat up. They went my grandfather went when some of his like mafia buddies to the school.

With a baseball bat. Pick the kid up and put him against the tree. And was whacking the tree with a baseball bat. And it's just it's a it's like I like that's what I like. I didn't know if you would do that or it's just it's a it's a weird stuff that happens. But it's 30 years ago I would have done that. That's not the way to raise your child. You talk to your child and you are and still confidence in them.

And you never teach your child to hit somebody. Yeah they have to protect themselves. Yeah they have to protect themselves. And to protect themselves. They don't know what to protect themselves about. So you got to raise your hand to them. Not you personally but somebody a karate teacher another child. You know no kid likes to get hit.

But I want you know this and people looked at me weird when I said this one day at a party that my mother raised me like she knew she was going to die. I was going to say that because you have two stories. You have the story of when she brought you back to the basketball court. And right before she passed away where she got mad at you for not calling. And those like it seems like you live your life by those two stories. But it's really weird. She also taught me an early age how to vacuum.

She taught me how to do my own laundry. She would force me to do my own laundry. You know she would just make sure I did so many little things. Like you know let's face it. Like I'm up to this chapter now and my mother died. And me and my stepdad aren't getting along. And let's face it. I could tell any story that I want to.

I could tell you whatever lie I want to. From the age of fucking 11 on I was really pretty much on my own. You know by the time I was 15 and I was walking home from the cemetery. I figured out that I've been on my own already for four fucking years. They were paying the bills at the house. I was doing everything else. I was getting my own food. I was preparing it.

You know what I'm saying. She would say right now she would leave me shit to go to shop right and get. I would see my mother. That was a because there was a period where I would go to the bar. And go into the city and go to karate and stuff like that. But there was once I became 12 I didn't want to go into over that hill no more. I wanted to hang out in North Bergen and play Pee Wee football and Pee Wee basketball. Bitty basketball and all that shit.

I was a North Bergen kid. You know what I'm saying. So I didn't want to revel out of there. So I stayed down there. So I wouldn't go to the bar. I wouldn't go to the bar for three days in a row. So I would basically just see her at night. Yeah.

So basically she didn't know what the fuck I was doing. You know I would just tell her leave me a steak with garlic on it and onions. Or leave me cash under the dish. And I would go to this diner down the corner off a ton of the avenue. And I asked people if they remember that diner and nobody remembers it. Just me, Dominic Speciale and fucking like Carlos Perez. And we that's the first diner we went to when we first got high. I'll never forget that.

And it was a trailer. It was a diner that was basically a trailer park. Yeah. And it was settled. And they had the boots and they had the little things where you put the quarters in. And you picked the song and played music for your table. And we would go and listen to Margaritaville. And we would play Margaritaville and we'd get fucking stoned and go in there.

And we would smoke like maybe one joint. For the three of you. Between five of us. And we'd giggle our goddamn asses off. We'd go to the table and sit there and we'd look at the menus. And we'd pray that the fucking waitress wouldn't come by. And when she'd come by we'd giggle in her fucking face. Just laugh at her.

We'd just laugh, laugh, laugh. You know, I don't want my daughter to get bullied. I will teach her to defend herself. And hopefully by that time, you know, Eddie's got a boy. My other buddy's Damon has a boy, you know. Damon's about to have a girl. So a lot of the people in my circle have kids. So hopefully these kids grow up together.

And she could say that's my cousin that goes to whatever high. And you know, that's how you want the best. That's my biggest nightmare. You can't control your kid's life. I don't know how these parents that have three kids I talk to. You ask them like how are the kids great? One's in Bitty. The other one's about to go here.

I would be fucking frantic all day. Like I'm very happy that I have the situation. I have that I work weekends. Because I could spend the bulk of the week with her. And I could at least see her for three or four fucking days. I could control those four fucking days. I could drive her to daycare. Take it to magic class.

Play the fucking drums. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You want to be involved. Like my friend, Steve Avillo says, you can either be involved and do the work now. Or you're going to do the fucking work later. It's going to be bad.

So do the work now. Build that bond with your child and then talk to them. And I'm talking about everybody because we all know how we live. Know how our lives could have been better. You sit there after fucking 25. You sit there and you think about your fucking upbringing. And you think about the things that could have been better. Think about what could have been better.

One of your parents would have been home. If one of your parents would have paid more attention with you, one of your parents could have drove you around. You know, not all of us were born with our mothers drinking a fucking martini in the living room when we got home with a butler. 90% of us that listened to this shit and we all talk and communicate on Twitter and Facebook, you know, we didn't grow up with a fucking butler and stuff like that.

So obviously you grew up with both your parents working or one of them working and you have a brother and sister. So think about what would have made you. How would your life would have been great if your dad was fucking home all day? Tell me no. Tell me no. Anybody feel that way?

Fucking tweet me, email me. We would have been a lot happier if dad's there all fucking day. You know, as soon as you get home, he's there, he picks you up, drives you. After a while it gets creepy. Don't get me fucking wrong. I don't want to be that creepy fucking dad either that I'm sitting there, you know. But you got to be involved.

You know, do you trust people around you? I don't trust anybody. I trust me. I trust you. I don't trust a lot of fucking people, you know, who's out there like stabbing a kid that day or whatever the fuck it is. You got to be careful. You got to teach your kids a lot of shit, man.

It's rough. Yeah. I can't. I'm an idiot. I leave that stuff up to my, I'm a fucking moron. You know that shit. That's crazy. Yeah, I don't want to get into a big thing before the call,

but I don't know what to do. I've been doing some online dating and I start talking to this, this girl actually messaged me, but she's 19 and her dad already said she doesn't want her dating anyone over 21. So, and I don't know what to do. Like I just, uh... Just meet the girl for fucking call for you, right?

Let me take it from there. You're 24 years old, you're really like 16 going on fucking eight. There you go. Good morning, my friend. What's going on, Joey? How are you, sir? I'm pretty good. How you doing these days?

I'm doing real good. You in San Jose training? Yep. I got a week and a half hard training and then at the Vegas. And how long you in Vegas for? A week. Now the fights are when? When are you fighting?

What day, June? June 14th, it's Friday night. Damn, I'm in Utah that night, John Fitch. I thought you were fighting in Miami for some reason. No, but it's going to be on the NBC Sports Network, so you might be able to catch it. On the phone is one of my... John, I'm still in fucking the days.

I'm so happy you called. You've always known I've been one of your biggest fans since day one. I love you to death. You're a fucking savage. And I'll tell you the reason why I really love you, John Fitch. You know why? You're from Indiana.

Nobody knows. Oh, when I was a kid, when I was 12, I was ready to move to France like Indiana. You understand? Because I wanted to be the next Larry Bird. I'm not fucking around with you. I love all that Jerry West type, West Virginia mentality, Indiana mentality.

And I loved you. I would watch it. And then I was talking to Rogan about it. He said you were the captain of Purdue. And I'd watch you fighting. It was just... It was a... You fought like the kids in my neighborhood,

like those dirty Irish kids. You're just not going home. You're just not going home until you get yours. So it's a pleasure to have you on the church to what's happening now, brother. What's going on? What else is happening? I have nothing, man.

Just training and being a dad and working around the house. And how old is your child? He's 15 months now. Wow. I have a four-month-old at the house. And we were just talking about... She's a girl, but we're talking about bullying and how you would work with your child

and not getting bullied and what our parents did. And I know you've given it some thought. I mean, I would hate to have John Finch as my fucking dad. I don't know. I'm pretty dead. This fell last weekend, building a big, giant sandbox. I wish I would have had a sandbox as nice as this one when I was a kid.

So I think I'm pretty good dad. I didn't even have a sandbox. When I came from Cuba, we had a big community sandbox at the public school in New York City. There was beer bottles in there and syringes. Beer bottles and cookies last. And condoms and shit. You're going home with a condom in your pocket and stuff

like a used one. My, look what I found. And you think you've gone too far deep you find a dead hooker? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, please. They're all over the place in the 70s in New York.

So you're still at A.K.A. You're still at A.K.A. Now you're up in San Jose, correct? At that A.K.A. Yep, San Jose. It's pretty funny because I'm up there June 27th or something like that. And I looked at-

Oh, I'll go catch you then because I think I'll be here. No, no, where are you going to be? No, I think I'll be in town around the end of June. Yeah, because I want to go to that. You guys on Thursday mornings, they're making me come on Wednesday night to do press on Thursday. And I guarantee they won't have anything for me.

But a few calls. But you have a 10 o'clock, a 10.30 B.J.J. Fundamentals class. And I was going to try to hit it. I was going to bring the ghee and everything and see if John Fitcher's up to throw me around a little bit and teach me all about this stuff. How long have you been doing all this, John?

Because I read a little bit about it. I remember when you first walked into the octagon just looking at you. When did you start thinking about this stuff? You know, we watched the first early U.S. cities back in, you know, 93. There's who watched a few of those and who watched a few K-1 things in pancrease, you know.

And then kind of disappeared from the pay-per-view. So kind of stopped paying attention to it because we were back in Indiana. We weren't all that tech savvy on the computers at that time. I never really even used a computer until I was a freshman in college. And so I kind of got away from it and think about it.

Always joked around, though, that, you know, if things never worked out, I'd just move to Asia and fight like Rambo did in that, in Rambo 3 with the sticks or something. And then when I got to Purdue, my assistant coach, Tom Erickson, was fighting in Japan. So, you know, I watched some of his tapes and then kind of followed it, you know, passively.

And it wasn't until my, I think, senior year, maybe, that, yeah, it was my senior year that, no, actually it was, yeah, the summer leave never a senior year. I think Tom had, like, Tom Mark Holman and Gary Goodrich come into town and train with them and stuff. So I got to, like, roll with these guys a little bit,

just, you know, for fun. And I opened Gary out with his wrestling and stuff like that. And I did okay with them. I thought, you know, if I can take down this guy, who's, you know, a world-class fighter, and he's making, you know, the planet, he makes him, like, $75,000 a fight. It's like, damn, you know, maybe I can do this.

It might be worth it to take some classes or see something, that street or things out. So, you know, I kind of, kind of, kind of interested in that route, because I didn't even start really getting decent at wrestling until probably my junior year of college. Did you wrestle all your life? I started in the fourth grade.

I had a, I owe a lot to my own, my second cousin, Brett Brinker. He would come into class and it was, like, fourth grade. And he would always tell these great stories about his older brother who was wrestling for the high school team. And to me, it was kind of like, you know, hearing pro wrestling stories. He was a good storyteller.

So I thought, you know, it was like, WWF that I was watching at home on, you know, TV. And then I finally talked my mom into letting me and go and check out a practice. And she was a little bit horrified. She was like, you really want to do this? And I was like, yeah. And luckily I had another relative who was,

you know, a volunteer assistant with a junior high team. And he kind of talked her into it about, you know, just telling about how awesome wrestling was and how it would make me a better person if I didn't get involved with wrestling and kind of convinced her to let me try it. And, you know, it was probably the best thing I've happened to. I would say.

That's amazing. And then now you weren't doing jujitsu at Purdue at all. Oh, you know, it's kind of funny because I had a year at grad school at Purdue, paid for through a scholarship I earned there. And I was kind of, I used that time to fight that year and train and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. And I would train fights and there was nobody in town that I could really train with.

So my buddy was a bouncer and he would just try to get all these bouncers who wanted to, you who wanted to fight or who thought they could grapple or thought they could fight to come in and try to train with me or roll with me or whatever. And then we'd get guys from the, from the Judo Club also to try to train with. But I remember one day in particular, I was trying to train for a fight and I needed, you know, three, five minute rounds from people.

So we lined the guys up, I had eight guys there that day. And I was grappled with them in the first round. I'm like, after I submitted them, a fresh guy would come in. And this was, you know, I didn't have any jujitsu back then, but I was still submitting to the guys. And like, I think three and a half minutes into the first round, I'd gone through all eight guys and they were all done. They couldn't go anymore.

They're like, sorry, we can't do it. They're about throwing up already. And so I was like, man, this is just not working out as far as training for fights. And that kind of got me thinking about going somewhere else. And that's one of the first steps that led me out to California. Wow. And you started with Dave from day one? No, actually, I got into, I got to San Jose, May 20th, 2003.

And Dave didn't get to AKA till November. So I didn't even put a gear on until November. I was training just with the fight team. And then I went to a few Bobby Southwood classes because Bobby Southwood was teaching at that time. And you really like doing this, John Fitch? Loved it, man. It's changed my way of thinking, changed my way of living my life.

It definitely made me a better person. We were just talking about fighting, you know, Lisa, the co-host was talking about, you know, he'd never really been hit and how did it feel. And I was telling him when I was a kid, I liked it. I sparred and all that stuff. It's after you get 18 that, you know, when you're driving, that's when it becomes a different world.

I didn't like it at all because you don't know, it's not controlled, you know. And I think about what you guys do. And I got to tell you how much I've learned as a comic from watching MMA, you know, because when I see a fight that doesn't evolve, I think of myself, how much you have to evolve, you know. And it's so weird how you see fighters now.

And, you know, look at two weeks ago with what's his name, when he fought Luke, you know, he came around with that spinning heel kick. You know, you got to keep learning every day. And you got to keep working on the stuff that you're really not good at. I was never disciplined as much as sitting down and writing, John. Which to me is like learning to fight on your back.

That's what I compare it to in jiu-jitsu. To sitting down for and saying to yourself, you know what, from 11 to 12, I'm going to sit there every day. And I'm going to come up with ideas. And I'll tell you, John, after three weeks, nothing happens. But there's that one day that when you have five minutes left on the clock from sitting there three weeks, all of a sudden, you write your best stuff you've ever written,

because you stuck it out, you know. And that's what I was avoiding. You know, when I hear all the people, like, when they fight wrestlers like yourself, and they get taken down, and they can't get out of that mess, it's because they're not prepared on their back. And that's how I always felt when I would bomb, that I wasn't working on it.

So I've learned a lot from watching you guys do your thing, you know. Yeah, I kind of learned something. Louis C. K. made a statement. I think it was a documentary, something I watched where he said, he talked about, you know, the process he went through to like writing a sense and stuff. And he said he would do it, you know, whatever, like a 20-minute set, he would have like a killer,

you know, last five minutes or whatever. And he would always move his killer finishing stuff to the beginning of every routine, every set, just so that he had to come up with something else brand new to finish with. And I thought that was incredible, because that's like, that's a crazy amount of pressure you have to put on yourself.

You know that you have killer stuff to finish with, and you put it in the front on purpose to make you have to step up, step up your writing for the second half of your set. That's pretty incredible to have, you know, the testicular fortitude to like do that on purpose. Most people are, you know, always going to just leave their best stuff towards the end of that.

I think that goes into fighting, too. I mean, you've got to force yourself into the murky places and the places that you're not comfortable with and you're not good at. That's one of the things I did when I started working with Dave Camerole. Like, you know, first time I grappled with him, he was 160 pounds, you know, soaking wet,

with nickels in his pockets. And when he grappled, he was on top of me and it felt like he was 400 pounds. I couldn't move. And, you know, I've had some hella good wrestlers that I've wrestled with in the past that couldn't keep me on my back and pinned like that, but he could.

So at that moment, I was like, yeah, I'm going to put this guy on and I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to do everything he tells me at face value and I'll figure out how to adjust to wrestling and fighting later. And that's what I did. And you could see my level just jumped up.

Guys who were submitting me daily were now, I was crushing for that for a while. Well, the other thing you did was that you're very intelligent because you know that you got to hand your fucking ego up once in a while. Exactly. And that's what's really difficult for a lot of guys. A lot of guys won't do that shit.

They won't do it because, you know, a lot of guys in the sport, they come from another sport where they were successful, you know, like tick boxing, boxing, or even wrestling. And when they do that, and you have to start over at MMA, you're just starting at the bottom. So you have guys who are, you know,

elite level competitors in their normal surroundings, but now in MMA, they have to start at the bottom again. So you got a guy who, you could say an Olympian, Olympic boxer, Olympic wrestler, throw him into a jitsu class where he's a white middleman. That's really hard because these guys, you know, a lot of them, they've been at the top, top level for a decade maybe.

And now they've got to start at the bottom again. That's, you know, that's real hit to a lot of people. When you got an accountant with a blue belt, it's happening three or four times in a five minute round. You know, you feel kind of shitty. That's amazing. I couldn't even, I finally started going in and doing, you know, I had to do something, John.

You know, I go to kickboxing all the time. I lost 100 pounds and I want to just have sleep at me. So it's hard for me to breathe on my back. So I said, fuck it. I started getting some nasal spray from the doctors and flow nays. I popped two of those things and I go and I roll, you know, I'm trying to learn.

And for me, I never wrestled. I played football and basketball in high school. So I told the guy from the minute I walked in, then I go, I know nothing. I know Dick. I know the crucifix and I know a heel is a hip escape. That's it. Man, those hip escapes are tough.

But every time I go, I try to do one more hip escape. That's my goal for every fucking class. I don't care if I get beat up. There's 20 year old kids in there, John Fitch. I never seen nobody move like that. I've never seen people move like that. Even I, even I will grab, grab some of these younger guys. And I'm like, Jesus, like they're flying all over the place.

All I like is glue golf and they're jumping over me and shit. Calm down. I'm, oh man, how are you jumping and shit? Too much for me. You know, you had one of the hardest things happened this year, you know, with the UFC and whatnot. And I'm still your number one fan. I don't give a fuck where you go.

But you know what? I thought about it when I went down, John. I got to tell you, it was the best thing that happened. Because sometimes you got to take one of those to, you're a fucking champion, no matter what, you know? And you'll prevail at this. I'm really proud of you. And I'm really proud that you called in today.

And, you know, I used to go to all your fights, man. You know that you saw me. I'd look at you and giggle. And I would love, I love it. I fucking, I used to, it's, it's amazing what I would see you when you'd walk in. I'd make believe I was in your mind as creepy as it sounds. Because anybody's gotten into a fight outside of hamburger joint.

You know, we've all got into a push and shot. Fuck you, cocksucker. But to, to fight in front of 18,000 people. What is it like? I need to just ask you before I let you go. Yeah, it's pretty incredible to fight in front of that many people, you know, especially since, you know, you spent a lifetime wrestling in front of a gym full of moms, you know, just,

just a handful of moms and maybe a couple, oh, oh, overzealous dads too. But, you know, it's pretty, pretty sparse in the wrestling world. You know, but, but there were times where we wrestled at like Iowa and there was, you know, 10,000 people in the crowd. I was, that's pretty, that was a pretty cool experience. But, you know, it feels great to have that many people watching you fight. It's kind of like payback from all the, all the years of working out

and empty, empty gymnasiums and wrestling against people and nobody was really watching. It's, I always think about that when I see the fighters walk in, I'm like, you know, I've done comedy for 2,000 people, you know, big fucking deal. These guys are about to hit somebody in the head in front of 18,000 fucking witnesses. That's as strong and get away with it. That's as strong as it fucking gets. And you get away with it.

Choke the mother fucker. You have a police coming on our door, knocking on our door later. Hey, brother, you sound good, you know, you sound really confident. Yes, I feel great. I mean, having the boy, having my little boy around is, it makes me young again, really. Because I think like a little kid again and, you know, I don't know if I built the sandbox for him or for me.

Oh, you know, John, I feel the same way. I'm 50. My wife came in the room a year ago and said, knock her up. We've been together for 14 years. You know, last week I had a situation, John, where I was sitting on the couch and I was doing whatever you do with your fucking lips, you know, whatever you do. And she thought it was the funniest things she had ever seen in the world.

She was peeing all over herself, giggling. And I started fucking giggling, right? Like, now I'm fucking giggling. And I got so emotional, John, because I hadn't laughed that much since I was fucking eight. Since Bugs Bunny fell off a cliff and landed on the cook or something. And then when you laughed at innocent shit, it wasn't the stupid shit you laugh at today, community and this gay shit. Then when you were a kid, you laughed from your belly when,

when Popeye would spit slap fucking Pluto or something. That's how I felt. And I told my wife, my wife was like, you've been acting weird tonight. What's the matter? I said, I haven't laughed like that in 30 fucking years. That's what just happened. I haven't laughed like that at something simple. They really do take you somewhere where you have been before.

But you don't remember. Yep, that's the truth. And when you remember, you're like, fuck, I want to do this again. But look at me. I'm a broken down old fuck. What am I going to do now? John, face it. Go get on some TRT.

So tell me about this fight, my friend. Oh, yeah, man. I'm fighting Jasper. Working Friday, June 14th. I'm going to be at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. It's going to be on NBC Sportsnet. Super sad about this. Super sad about being with this promotion.

It's been nothing but a great experience so far. And my training camps are amazing. I feel better than I have in a long time. And I feel motivated and I feel unchained. So I think fans are going to get a real treat come June 14th. Hey, John. What's the name of the promotion so we can look it up on our TVs and stuff? World Series of Fighting.

OK. And that's on NBC.net, my brother? Yep. We can follow him on at MMA World Series, I think, on Twitter. OK. And what happened was, John, I was in a hotel about a week ago and I was reading your tweets and you said for contact information, for inquiries to contact somebody.

And I wrote the fucking thing down. I think it was your girlfriend. I wrote her Twitter handle down. And then I got home and I couldn't find it. I didn't want to ask you in public like that. So I'm apologized for that. But people weren't nuts. People were getting back to me.

They said to ask you about the wolf meat. Wolf meat? How's he gonna know about the wolf meat? That you eat wolf meat? I saw that. And I thought it was something you guys were talking about. Oh, I thought that you ate wolf meat. I didn't know for sure.

No, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know what they got. I saw that too. And I was like, wolf meat. I was like, that could be interesting. No, I think you... No, and I know what he meant. Your little fucking wolf with the little beard and she.

You're like a little wolf when you open your mouth. You're a savage. I love you, John Fitch. You know that from the bottom of my heart. And I want you to call again after the fight and let me know where it went down. All right, brother? Cool, man. Thanks a lot.

So you know my heart's with you and I'm cheering for you and I'm still your number one fan. You know that, right? Cool, man. All right, don't fail. I'll call. Make it. I'll see you when you're out here in June.

I'm gonna definitely come by. I'm gonna come by. I'm gonna rent a car and come by with the flying Jew. I'm gonna come by and break your balls a little bit. All right. All right, brother. I'm with you, man. Stay black and beautiful always.

I will. All right, buddy. Bye. That's a bad motherfucker. Yeah. He's a dangerous man right there. Like I saw G.S. down on the phone. And I didn't want to bring it up.

I was there when he fought G.S.P. And I was there outside the ambulance, like fucking heartbroken, like crying. Like if he was a friend, like it was the worst feeling in the world when you see a friend of yours fighting and you can't help him. And that's why I don't go to big fights.

Like I got to perform July 5th in Las Vegas for Anderson Silva with Joe Rogan and all those guys. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I'm not staying for the fight. You're not gonna? No, I'm gonna come home. It's a long weekend.

Number one, I'm gonna be with my wife that weekend because I'm gonna be gone for like five weeks. Yeah. And then on top of that, I can't watch Anderson Silva fight. I get too emotional. It breaks my heart. Last time I took a hit of acid

with the fucking other Jew with Ari Shafir. So I can't, I can't. I get too fucking emotional, man. Those are my friends. I can't help them. You know, you see your frigging his ass kicked in the ring. You want to jump in there?

You want a bitch slap a bitch? How much money would it take for you to run and like jump off the cage and jump in? I bet everyone who listens right now would give 100 bucks. Bro, don't throw me in fucking jail. Don't throw you in jail. You're jumping out the gun. Yeah.

That's like obstruction of fucking fighting. You know, you can't fucking just do that shit. What's up, Lisa? Hey, you bad motherfucker. What are you up to playing? We got this thing tonight. We got onnet.com. Listen, if you're starting your health program,

I don't know what I'd do without onnet. I really don't know what I'd do without onnet because they got something for everything. And they've been great to me and they've been great to us as a company. But the thing, what they have, even the fucking president called Aubrey the other day, you know, warrior poet,

who's a fucking genius as far as I'm concerned. If you sit down with the guy, he's a fucking genius. He makes Joe Rogan look like a fucking mental midget. It's amazing. You talk to Aubrey, it's amazing. And Joe knows everything about fucking everything. But Aubrey, I think, got him beat a little bit. So you know what?

I trust whatever the fuck he gives me. I really, I'm telling you. You know, I was talking about earlier with the myel, whatever, that's in strong bone. I would repair the tissues and all this and I had this bunch of athletes that spoke about it. Like I said, I don't know much about chemicals. I could drop a bunch of wrong words on you.

I know what works. I know what makes me feel better. I know that I went back on the fucking strong bone. I'll tell you what, I don't feel my knee. I got the braces though. You know, I got the pads. No, I got the pads. Oh, the wrestling pads.

Okay. Yeah, so it wouldn't bother me that much. So now I don't have to land on them. But I'll tell you what, my knee feels fucking great. My shoulders feel fucking great. Do yourself a favor. If you're a fat fuck, you're thinking about lifting. You're thinking about, you know, getting started.

After a couple of weeks, you're going to be sore. Get some strong bone. It's got that glusomite and all that shit in it. Get the strong bone, get the new mood. In fact, I'm going to pop some new moods tonight and smoke some reefing because the new moods with the edible enhances the edible. Good to know.

How bad do those knee pads smell after that class? Not too bad. Really? Yeah. Oh, mine needs to stink. I don't smell them. What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ.

You're a nasty motherfucker. You know, you smell your own knee pads. Smelling knee pads is gross, but fucking having pubic here in your mouth like a fucking toothpick is as normal. That's a party where I come from. That's a party. Some fucking bush in your mouth like floss and you just move it around your mouth when you're driving.

You leave it in there when you're driving. Fuck yeah. You purposely rip some bush like off a pussy. Like Chuck Norris did to Bruce Lee and Return of the Dragon. You remember when fucking Bruce Lee grabbed the hair from Chuck Norris' chest? You don't watch The Silence of the Lambs last week. He the cock stuck.

You thought I forgot. Fuck you. You know what? I'm watching that shit. You were in La Jolla jumping up and down with your little girlfriend and then Friday night you were drinking beer for a good time. What time do you agenda this week with your girlfriend?

Where are you taking her this week? I'm not taking anyone anywhere. Have a fucking fruit cake. Where are you taking her this week? Get cut, sucker. Nowhere. You sure it's over? I mean, we're friends, but yeah.

Oh, here we go with the friendship. Jesus Christ. So you ain't friends with her no more? Yeah, they are. Like I said, just tell us no calling no more. If you ain't going to smoke my pipe, you got no reason to call here and shit, all right? You got to put your foot down.

You're not hanging out because that's what's happening. You're hanging out with her being the hopes. She's not going to give you the monkey. Now you got to play hardball now. You're not the regular Lisa. Yeah, you're the tough guy. You're a pimp. You got to put your pimp hand down.

Do you not have a Jew pimp hand? I do. The best fucking pimps I've ran with in my day were all fucking Jews. You got to get it together, though. You got to put your pimp hand down and say, it's over. If you're not going to smoke my little Jew fucking yarmulke stick, it might Jew yarmulke stick.

It's over. I feel like I have to apologize to Rabbi Blumberick when my child says Rabbi. I love the fucking rabbis. The rabbis are fucking what's crack or lackin'. Listen, tonight, tonight only, we're at that place, the Ice House, stage two, 8.30. I don't know how many tickets left.

Number two, I got to talk to you people about something. I want to thank you for making testicle testaments number one around the fucking globe. At one point yesterday, we were UK, Canada, and the USA. We couldn't have done it without you guys. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart for making me a real comic. You guys have really made a, you and this cock suck a Jew.

We're only eatin' edibles tonight. We're gonna open up with a quachibo chew tonight. We're taking it deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep into the metaphysicals of the metaphysicals and shit time. It's over for you, Lisa. It's over. I want to give some shout-outs to some people.

I don't want to go for it. Let's give a shout-out to Sean Cappuccino, Juan de Dios, Ron Magana, Boloid, Jose Valencia, Leisure Suit Gavin, and Tim Curtis. I want to give a shout-out to my man, Constantino, whatever his fucking name is. I want to give a shout-out to Leon. I want to give a shout-out to fucking Gus, aka Gus Farry,

Brent fucking Ross. I want to give a shout-out to my brothers at Death's Wart, whether it's Harlem, Nashville, Cincinnati, Ogallala, Nebraska. We got you, motherfucking Death's Wart. I want to give a shout-out to the fucking church community, you bad motherfuckers. Don't quit.

Don't ever fucking quit. Take your dick out and say, I'm here. I'm gonna... Anyway, I got emotional there for a second because it's Wednesday. You know what I'm saying? It's Wednesday. You gotta do it.

I got no dates on the book for May. I got a bunch of them in June. We'll talk about them in June. Well, May's over, yeah. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? We got three more days, whatever. Don't forget.

Get your shit together or on it. Hulu Plus. Do what the fuck. Tell them about Hulu, dawg. You're sitting there like a fucking bump on a lot of you slipping. No, I'm not. Well, now that the show is over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to joeeds.net and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial, or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, click the Hulu Plus banner on joeeds.net or go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's right.

Go to the web page and look at the dates. Get yourself a little fucking t-shirt. We got tank tops. I talked to JR. Oh, shit. We're going to make a flying Jew commemorative t-shirt. I love JR. You know, he's in town this weekend.

JR tries really hard. I love him to death. He's a good fucking dude. He had ideas. He's got new design. I said, we're going to work out a fucking flying Jew t-shirt. I love it. We're going to put all this shit together

for the flying Jew because you're slinging dick. Let's say it's the time. It's time for the flying Jew to put his yamac on and fly around and just pee on pizza. When was the last time you springed some? That's what you never peed on that shit. I never peed on anybody. You should have peed on her foot when she was sleeping.

That would have gotten. Then you whack off in her soup and you would have got her from every direction. You know, like the Filipinos on Gower and Hollywood Boulevard, you put your feet in the water with rocks and they suck out the impurities. Yeah. Boy, you should have peed on her feet.

Your piss would have gone into her feet and you would have known they would have got all horny and she wouldn't have smoked your little Jew dick. You know what I'm saying? You got to think this way. When you got nothing else going on, you got to hit him from the voodoo angle. I feel like this is the reason why weed isn't legal

because you have ideas. Like you got to piss on her feet so it soops in into a mix of horny. I feel like I feel like whatever level. You pee on her foot and then you coat it with alpha brain and they go like a chicken color. Really? You know what I'm saying? I feel like whatever level of weed you're smoking,

look at it like that should be the max. Like a little bit less is okay. But whatever you're doing every day is too much. Let me listen. Get it together. I'll make you fucking stab me in the neck. I love you guys. Have a great week.

Oulu, I love you guys. And you mentioned it's only $7.99 up to two weeks, correct? $7.99 a month. $7.99 a month. My wife went on it and she fucking loved it. That's great. There's some show on it. I think your movie's on there.

The Juice Movie. Yeah, Fat-Tech and Neal. Dad's on there. Pulp Fiction's on there. It's great. You like Pulp Fiction? I love it. I have a poster.

Yeah. Do you really? Yeah. Fucking look. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Don't forget to listen to the podcast. Leo put it up on Friday.

The live podcast was something I had to tell you, Lee. But I forgot. Do you know that? That's fucked up. What do you mean that's fucked up? I'm trying to... Oh. Just a little fart there for people.

She just shit himself on the podcast. Oh, it smells like... That was... All right. Hit it, Lee Coxsucker. On it. I love you. Go to onit.com and put in the church.

Get your fucking 20% off. Get on the mailing list. When they start sending out ropes, you can hang yourself at one. I love you, Coxsuckers. Have a great weekend. JoeyDs.net. Hit it, Lee.