Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #057 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Monday, April 19th..... Today, it’s you and Uncle Joey..... This episode is brought to you by Blue Chew & CBD Lion...... Go to https://go.blue chew.com/joeydiaz Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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It's the 19th that's right the 19th a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I had a great Let me tell you something. It was a great fucking weekend She had three hits again the team lost but it's not whether you want to lose this how many fucking points you score We all know that but that fucking came from but it's uh It's been a lot different. I wanted to tell you guys about my week last week. It was fucked up I had two auditions last week. You got to put auditions on tape now They're a fucking nightmare. I've been putting them on tape for a few years and i'm good at it

But that's still a fucking nightmare And they've been a nightmare more and more the last couple years because you cannot read the lines with your glasses on It's very unprofessional. They cannot tell so you have to know You have motherfucking lines, right? So i gotta know my lines So i got two auditions the same week one was for a cuban fucking dude Okay, which i never get auditions for a fucking cuban dude And one was for a fucking italian dude where i had to speak Fucking italian, right? I don't know. I took two years of high school italian. I don't know

I don't know about italian, right? So You know, I didn't want to put it on mic. I I was struggling with it, you know It's very weird lately that I read shit and I could memorize it I can't my memorization is fucking gone from this pandemic. I'm getting better and better And i'm taking my alpha brain, but still it's fucking a little on the rough side Never mind fucking a language a different language. I gotta so I had this uh Fucked up situation where my wife. I finally went to my wife like Wednesday afternoon and I was telling her about I go, you know, I got to put these auditions on tape and

They're fucking rough one's a cuban dude and the others are fucking italian dude with that speak italian I don't even know what the fuck to start So my wife says fuck it. Let's just work on it. Let's work on it tonight And let's do it. So she helped me a little bit Wednesday night Tuesday night, I had worked on it by myself and Thursday. I got up fucking dragging dick like I don't want to fucking do this, right? We finally did them I did both of them. I had a change. I had to fucking comb my hair a certain way I had a fucking, you know, because one dude was 1970 the cuban

So I had to comb my hair to the side and you know, look at me. I don't look fucking cuban So I had to convince them like I know the lady So I had to explain to them like listen It took me a while to do this audition because I was trying to grow a mustache But then I realized I can't grow a mustache like most people in fucking three days I got friends that become the wolf man in two days Me I couldn't do nothing. I couldn't do nothing. So I left it just enough and I shaved around it But even with the thing

But then later on when I looked at the fucking tape before I sent them my wife goes, they're both great You know, you want to take a look at it and I go, I hate looking at myself And finally I looked at myself and holy shit. I go when I went to the gym Thursday They told me I lost another three pounds. I go Jesus Christ. I'm losing too much fucking weight too quickly I'm sticking to these points and I'm not eating pizza and shit and I'm working out I saw the size of my fucking nose and I'm like, Jesus Christ Look at the size of that fucking bugle on your face. I mean that thing is fucking huge I've lost weight over here. So it's made my nose look like Michael Jackson

I'm the greatest hits album. Have you ever seen the greatest hits of Michael Jackson? He's got the fucking pigeon before the surgery his nose is from here to here And let me tell you something I'm gonna tell you a funny story that I told the guys on patreon I'm gonna be honest. I can't with you when I was about From 1988 to the time I got from the time I got out of prison To about 1997 98. I don't know when how long I'm just letting you guys know This is how fucking crazy the cocaine had me I wouldn't snort coke with people had a big nose

Like if somebody had a big nose like a chick had a big nose You ain't coming back to my hotel room because in my mind that bitch could put away some cocaine You understand me so I fucking didn't fuck around with people had big noses I still remember one time in Miami. It was this cute girl But she had one of those little fucking hook noses And she was talking shit and I'm like, listen, I'll take this girl back to the hotel Whatever would do some coke and I'm like, you know what this chick looks like she could fucking out snort me I'm not gonna bring it. Look at that fucking hose on her face

So for years I had a fucking problem with people had a big nose in cocaine I just would avoid them if I saw somebody who had a big nose. I'm like, I'm not doing coke with them That's how fucking crazy I was on the fucking drugs just to let you know But I do this thing on patreon. I did it one time and I was gonna do it again this week. This is the you know Life is fucking weird how it works out, you know I was gonna do it Again, I did this thing about angels on patreon last month where

I put a picture up of a friend of mine who died and I tell you the story of how he affected my life, you know And last month I was gonna do Anthony balsano and this month Believe it or not. I was gonna do Dominic speciale So when I get the call for the italian audition I'm sitting there rubbing my fucking head and I'm like, who am I gonna call for this? In the last 10 years, I've only gotten one of the italian auditioners for boardwalk empire And I called this girl

When I was a kid, I had a friend Dominic speciale and Anthony balsano Anthony balsano died in may of eight of 78 And this is why i'm fucked up if you want to know why i'm fucked up uh Anthony died first then my mother died in november of 79 And then dominic died in august of 80 So I lost three friends once in a while

I didn't want mike to have to superimpose it up here And then you people are like, ah, you stole from fucking john oliver or whatever. So I just brought a picture This is this is my brother dominic speciale. He died On august of 1980. I still got his picture. He's on my ancestor table. I light a candle for him every week I lost you know when he died he had an older brother and he had a younger sister And I was tight with the older brother, but He uh, I lost contact with him after I left, you know after I left jersey in 80 83 I lost contact with the older brother. I never really thought about the little sister

From time to time. I would go. I wonder how weed is doing. I wonder how much, you know, she's doing And can you believe in 2007 i'm doing tom likeus And I don't know where he takes callers tom likeus on his radio show and fucking uh They go you have a caller that wants to talk to you. Her name is vita. She said that she grew up with you and i'm like Are you fucking kidding me? put it through And you know, she put it through and she's like coco. How the fuck are you? This is vita. I'm dominix little sister

I grew up with him like jesus christ. I remember you. I still remember her Like coming around and dominic chasing her away because she was younger. We were doing something We were lighting something on fire or something and she would walk up to us with a little dress and little shoes on So I've been tight with vita since 2007. She came to my wedding in 2009 She did the whole fucking thing, you know, so whenever I get in the town like even for the soprano movie anything I have to do italian When i'm reading the lines or when i'm preparing for the movie i'll contact her And say is there's something I could say here is there's something now i'm gonna play for you guys

What I had to learn, okay This is what I had to listen to For two fucking nights in a row. I just want to tell you that just so you know that i'm not a fucking hack or whatever I try to prepare the most I can you ready? This was on loop all night and i'm sitting there Oh And I would just catch on This is what I had to do over and over three hours Tuesday night three hours on wednesday night

I had a fucking italian headache. Listen to this This is her. So I'll call her send her the lines and she'll fucking send her back to me So this was over and over I had to do this Over and over. I'll fucking turn this off. I'm about to lose it right now I fuck this while listen to monday and fucking tuesday over and over and over and over And I had a cap chop with the words and you heard me. I was fumbling them just now So I had to fucking do it. I had to get up for thursday morning and start all over again coffee and that Investor

I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing And brother when I got out that last line because there was a bunch of lines I had to say that's just the beginning of it mother fuckers You have no fucking idea when I dropped that last line the fuck I could feel like the headache And everything just go the fuck away. I was like Jesus christ That's what was giving me a fucking migraine headache this italian over and over and over and over It was seven hours of her on loop Going on and there's three different sets of fucking sides guys

So next time you see me and you're like joey looks a little uptight. This is what the fuck I have to deal with As soon as I finished that it was like woo I sent them both in and then I had to fucking change my hairdo Change my shirt and do the fucking spanish one and do the fucking cuban one And that one was a room filled with men like it was one of those Where it's it's eight different people talking at once. I don't have to tell you how I fucked up that audition was So I just broke it down to as small as I can

I just took it so that It was one line me one line and it just went to me. I had to rewrite it I don't give a fuck if they get mad at me and I did a speech before it I go look I know I don't look fucking the top cuban to you You know, you want me to come over and talk like rick and ricardo and the whole fucking thing and I go I have a jersey accent. I even explained the whole fucking Bay of Pigs on the fucking on the On the I love torturing people with the Bay of Pigs, but I'm the fucking audition video. I even showed them that

they got The Bay of Pigs ready in a training camp right here in Newark. I have the newspaper article from 1950 fucking 1960 it's on the bar right now as we speak. Yes. It's on the bar. There's a newspaper article that somebody found And he goes, I don't know what you want to do with this if you want to frame this or not And it was just a fucking article in the Newark ledger That's it. There's not even a Newark ledger anymore. It's like the jersey star ledger or some shit But it was from fucking these How they were taking cubans and training them in the mountains of New Jersey and shit like that

So I even went into that I go the reason why I have a New Jersey accent Is because I was trained in the mountains of fucking cute of New Jersey I wrote my own fucking story for these people. So they're looking at this tape right now going What the fuck did this guy do? Listen, I don't even care about the role I just didn't want to let my agency down and you know, then they stopped sending me to fuck out They totally want I had to put on board because they do a lot of things And I want to be part of those fucking things. I want to be on board with those people. So I wanted to let them know no they do them here. I wanted to let them know that

I'm here now. I'm on the east coast And that um, you know, they just do work on the east coast So I just want to let them know I'm on the east coast And I'm doing my thing and that's why I put on tape. I don't I'm not listen. I'm not expecting to get This fucking Italian role, but it's better than not doing anything. You know I'm saying it's better than not doing anything That's and it's just it was just a fucking great week all together Then we rolled into you know, I wanted I want to do each podcast every month on the 19th I want to do a one-on-one podcast with you guys

Because it's going to be called, you know, nine months after eight months after today's eight months from the day that I left Los Angeles and It has been a fucking miraculous Change I mean miraculous for myself My wife And my daughter this has been

A period that I needed, you know, I also made the decision on not rushing into stand-up It was bad enough. I rushed into a podcast, but I had to keep doing something. I had to stay active I didn't want to rush into stand-up. I wanted to take a breather. I wanted to really fucking be out there You know, I was telling Mike before we started the podcast that this last weekend And I wouldn't even tell you motherfuckers this because I don't want you to think that you know anything

I don't ever want to do a podcast and talk down to you guys. I love you too much I just share these stories with you. So you know what I'm going through. You understand me? I don't tell you these things because I'm trying to be better than you guys or nothing I read an article Two weeks ago, you guys all saw it. You all saw an article about Rudy Sarzo deserves to be in the Hall of Fame or whatever Just for his work with quiet riot nevermind Ozzy And then white snake and all this shit. So I called him up to congratulate him

He was putting my monsters of rock on that week anyway, and we got into a conversation. He goes, hey, I saw you playing the guitar If you ever want to do a lesson. I go, but Rudy, you're a bass player. He goes, no, I know the guitar left and right He goes, you know, we're randy and then everybody else. I goes to play the good bass. I got another guitar They started talking about the piano and all this shit and I'm like, I love to do a fucking I love to do a fucking podcast or whatever with your zoom And just play the guitar for you, right? So It was friday morning And I went to the gym and I set it up for afterward. He's an early riser

And I think we set it up at 12 o'clock. I went to the gym. I ran home I drank a little protein shake and I came downstairs and I set up the amp I set up the guitar and it was It was completely different than what I was expecting He didn't even he just told just he goes, I want to see you play the guitar So I play and I know a lot of people like you got a fucking guitar lesson from Rudy Saizo

Listen, it wasn't nothing like that. He was just doing me a favor like he just it's like a favor, you know So all we went through and I'm I apologize Right now that that stupid shit I did on instagram with the guitar Because I didn't want you guys to think I didn't respect the guitar. I do respect the guitar I respect the guitar like I respect stand-up comedy. I was telling Mike that Once the the lesson started he goes, let me just see you play what you're playing I showed him what I was playing brain stew and back in black and fucking

Nutshell the beginning and and he goes just let's learn a fucking D chord and he taught me this D chord high And he goes first off. I want you to put your elbow against your fucking thing and do not move it from that He goes, that's a bad habit to get into that guitarist raised their elbow. Do not raise your elbow He goes take your fingers and he goes. I want you to use them You have fat fat fingers and whatever You're not pressing hard enough. He goes. I want you to put your finger behind The guitar and I want you to use it Like a vice grip. This is what I want you to when you're pressing

I want you to fucking i'm getting calluses on this finger already. It's fucking tremendous You think I was finger banging. It's a crack hole or something. I'm getting like a little missile on my finger I'm feeling it right now And he just showed me all these little things how he wanted my wrist You know how my hand had a play and then he went into this whole theory thing That guys it was so intense It was so fucking intense I had to go in my drawer and take a football like it the anxiety

The anxiety was so fucking much But it just goes to show you Of what and how you have to think To get up to that level in life Of anything whether it's a plumber a mason a cook a chef a guitar player You see the intensity, you know You don't you didn't you guys didn't want to talk to me 15 years ago on my views of comedy

You did not you would have not liked me my views on comedy My views on the science of comedy Is a very hard torture chamber if somebody I love comes to me and says to me I want to learn comedy The brutally honest talk i'm going to have with them is either going to make them quit or inspire them Because i want to i wanted to let you know we are not running a fucking game here. They're not running a game You know years ago after I did the longest yard. I was working tempi a lot I could do tempi the guy in tempi was fucking crazy

Remember we laughed about him on the podcast burk ratio when I said Rest in peace cocksucker or something he was fucking out of his mind I forget what the guy's name was it doesn't matter, but I was working tempi a lot and What there was a dog kid there And you know he came up to me one day and he's like man. I like what you do You know, can you talk to me about comedy and I was like absolutely So he actually paid me for a room to go to tusan

He goes I have a room in tusan. Can you do the room? So he goes do you mind if I go out to lunch with you and my mom? You know and I go no, you know bring your mom if you want whatever I went to tusan. I I got checked into the hotel and then I met him and his mom for lunch and his mom He was a young kid. He must have been 20 21 22 And they wanted to ask me questions about comedy If it was him by himself, I would have spoken to him in a I spoke to him in an honest and authentic way no matter what

But I let him know What needed to be done If he was going to be a fucking comic Like I tried to help him like this is what needs to be done When I was with rudy the other day, I felt the same way Like if you're gonna play the guitar This is what needs to be done. Like this is no fucking joke. I don't want you to think that, you know And the great thing about me is I have no illusions of grandeur. It's not like I'm 22 and I'm thinking I want to join white snake

I'm gonna learn the guitar in four years. I'm gonna put a band together. This this is not for this for me It's been real at relaxational. It's bringing me back. It's entertaining me. It's killing time during this pandemic I'm learning something at 58. I'm actually learning something. I'm still keeping my fingers coordinated with my fucking Brain. I'm trying to do something. You know, I was in such a rough shape You know eight months afterward I was I was in such rough shape every week I have been getting better and better. You guys have seen it. I have been getting better And better I took for a while that I thought I had a mild heart attack

Then once I did the surgery, I realized there was no fucking mild heart attack Then we're through with the fucking surgery. That's in the past. We got the vaccine. So every week I get better and better. I sleep more. I eat better. You know, I exercise more I'm doing auditions every week, but it's taken me eight months From the fucking beating, you know That was LA When I talked to that kid that day, I could see like he was petrified afterward and that's what you need to be I want you to

Know what you're getting yourself into whether you're playing the guitar. Whether you're gonna go to vocational school. What are you gonna? The highest level of commitment is necessary for you to be the best and I knew that I always knew that with comedy In 2009 when I thought about getting away from comedy When I thought about it and then all of a sudden the podcast opened up all these opportunities I Strive to do one thing and that was to be the best comic I could be. I wasn't trying to be better than bill burr I wasn't trying to be better than dave chappelle. I wasn't in a war with fucking kevin hard. None of that shit I was just working on me. That's all you need to worry about is how am I gonna fucking, you know

I met comics and musicians and I've met people that You get so caught up in what this guy's doing and what that guy's doing or I gotta get the comedy store No, you don't you just gotta get on stage Get on stage and in time You'll get to the comedy store, but you gotta get on stage. Don't go up there. I gotta get to the comedy store right now No, you're never you're not gonna get that you're just gonna get frustrated You're gonna get angry and it's gonna fucking cloud your vision. Just get on stage When the store is ready for you the store is ready for you. That's a little a mistake a lot of people made

But what I'm trying to get out here is A couple years ago in LA, you know, like for me, I was I was burnt out and I had I had no fucking clue right now. I'm telling you that I was burnt out. I had no fucking clue today I don't feel burnt out, but I'm not ready to go back to comedy. I'm forcing myself To get used to my life here to be a family man here. I mean Saturday I went to a softball game First I got up in the morning with I worked out Friday. I had done on my weight watcher point

So I got up Saturday morning and I went for a little walk like I told you guys I'm doing a little walking therapy I didn't have to lift or anything Then I took her to fucking MMA class. Then we came back with family. We had lunch as a family We goofed around. I think we sat outside and stuff was still warm out Then I went and did the fucking softball game At the softball game two of my childhood friends showed up one of my childhood friends showed up with his wife And their grandson to watch my daughter play and then I was there with Parents of a girl that we get along with that's tight with mercy

And next thing you know two other parents that have boys Showed up that are our friends just to support the girls So now we had four sets of fucking parents You know Now it's four o'clock and they're like, what are we gonna do? Do you want to go to a restaurant? Do you want to go to somebody the one lady says why does that everybody come over to my house? We'll order pizzas whatever we went end up going back when we ended up ordering a ton of fucking barbecue And they had cheesecake and fucking french fries and macaroni and cheese and whatever do they go off the deep end?

No, my point is that fucking if if I was living in LA that never happened That never happened where I got together with four fucking sets of parents And we just talked and just giggled and just cracked fucking jokes. It was tremendous Nobody was smoking weed. Nobody was doing bong hits. Nobody even smoked spot there. Nobody even brought it up I wasn't even high while I was there. I was just fucking being normal trying to be fucking normal something I haven't been in years And now that I have the chance to fucking To to have a normal fucking life and then all of a sudden it's 6 30 and I'm like looking at the clock when I go terry

You know how happy I am that two years ago I would have probably had a fucking leave right now Because I would have had to spot at the ice house. I would have had an early spot at the comedy store I don't have to go nowhere We could sit here and just hang out with the kids. Do you know how nice that fucking feels? Do you know how nice it felt when we came home and we we we put on cobra kylas Saturday night and we watched the last two episodes and She fucking cried and then we watched an episode of big city greens

It's back the honeymooners wasn't on because the Mets had a fucking doubleheader. My point is that I'm finally Enjoying what the fuck is going on in my life Or the other option was you know what I would basically have been doing I would have called them at two from a hotel room And said what's going on and she's like we're here at the field And I'm here with this person and this person and this guy showed up. You know how bad I feel in the hotel room then I'm missing my daughter's fucking life Because I'm doing comedy in some fucking town and and trust me. I'm not complaining What I'm saying is that this is how I was living my life and I'm happy

To be living a little different now eight months later, you know, I hadn't been happy in LA It hit me while I was here I've been here and I've been journaling and I've been trying to write a fucking book with Erica and You know, this is all still going on me and Erica still talk three days a week and this is still fucking on I mean, we're still on just the podcast isn't the only thing I'm fucking doing Being a dad is not the only thing I'm doing. You know, I am doing other things Like I said, we have auditions. We're doing the fucking book But it's so weird how I didn't know how burnt out I was till I got here, you know

A couple years ago something happened. I never complained about it. I never talked about it on the church I'm gonna talk about it now right now that it bothered me I didn't know how much this bothered me till recent and while I was getting my head together it came up I don't know how many years ago robin williams killed himself, you know, god rest his soul I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I was best friend robin williams. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I was a big fan of robin williams I'm gonna sit here and tell you that I met him. What time at the improv I met him in 1983 and fucking snowmass village. He smelled like debt. He was doing coke

And he ran away from me when we asked him to sign the box the Moscow on the Hudson You know, I wasn't friendly with him. I didn't know anything about him I respected what he did and I knew he was a comedy store guy. So because of that I had to give him the respect that he deserved for years people said he was a joke deep listen He didn't steal none of my jokes. I never met the man. So that was it. I'm at the improv one night Maybe two years before he died maybe a year before he died And he was just a meek little old man And I was standing there with rogan and he came over and he shook my hand. He shook joe's hand

He said it's nice to meet you or whatever. I just came down here to watch you Well, he was talking more to rogue and he wasn't talking to me. He shook my hand after rogan to be honest with you And um, he was just very nice, you know, but then All these articles and all these things I started reading all these fucking things about Comics and the dark side of comedy and that's what really pissed me off Didn't piss me off. I kind of hurt my feelings when cnn Did a fucking Like a thing about, you know, the dark side of comics and I tried watching it for a little while the one day

I was like, you know what? I'm not watching this because first off I've been proving my I've been trying to fucking prove to myself all my life that i'm not fucking crazy Now here's somebody else raising their hand Saying that i'm fucking crazy. I'm not fucking crazy Okay, you know, you're making a sound like with some whiny bitches That after we do comedy we go home And we fucking we're in the dark and we fucking Think of ways to kill ourselves and think of it. No, it isn't the only time I struggled like that was from 92

To 95 96 I was crying because how fucking cruel the world was and what I was going through with my daughter And how frustrated I was with comedy But after all that pain went away in 98. I was fine. I was just a regular comic who was addicted to drugs There was no dark side of it. I had the addiction before I got into fucking comedy So don't blame fucking comedy for my fucking cocaine addiction I brought that shit into my fucking coat into my comedy world. I had nothing to do with it, you know So when I got into comedy, I was looking into it because it was dark

I didn't get into comedy because it was fucking happiness. I was getting into comedy because there are drugs There are fucking venereal diseases. There are fucking, you know, this is a reality of it I didn't get into comedy to be a fucking priest. I got into comedy because I wanted to fucking check out Nobody gets into comedy because they want to be a priest to change the world or nothing like that I just wanted to fucking check the fuck out so From society not from life. I'm not meaning from life

I'm not suicide king here. I'm just trying to fucking You know add light to this thing But when I saw that that they did like a three-part series on CNN, I'm like Why are they fucking? We already have a ton of fucking stigmas in our business I already have enough insecurities. I don't need the cnn to tell me i'm fucking crazy because robin williams killed himself It just ate away at me, but I will tell you one thing I will tell you the dark side of comedy. You know what the dark side of comedy really fucking is? It's not comedy It's not doing stand-up comedy. It's hollywood

It's hollywood It's that little stupid Pressure That hollywood puts on you I didn't I worked against it as Much as I could But you couldn't fucking succumb you you you still couldn't fight it all off it that desperation that's in the air

That little desperation That the agents have other comics have People when they talk to you, you know after the podcast It's a different world. It's not like you were on a tv show when i'm on a tv show My name is chuck and i'm part of a cast i'm playing a character on a tv show when i'm on a podcast I'm not playing a character. This is who the fuck I am So doing all these things brought out different things and people Are you following what the fuck i'm talking about here? This isn't this isn't this is how I felt

There wasn't no dark side of comedy the dark side of comedy is depression that hollywood puts on you Those stupid things, you know lately at night once a week Or three nights a week they show i'm dying up here on show time I did like two episodes to that to that show Uh, well the other night my wife called me. She's like, hurry up. You're on the episode. I go. Let it go I don't want to see myself on the fucking episode, but It looks at the comedy store from a different perspective And what and it lets me look at it now

Without seeing the comedy store for a year from a different fucking perspective And i'm looking at and I and I see the guy that rape Ray Romano's brother. I forget what his name is. He plays One of the characters and he plays a down and out 50 year old That has been playing in vegas, you know, and he Is now looking to go into business with Lady who's playing mitzvah

But throughout his the second season you could see this guy is snapping And at one point the mob played by yours truly comes to him And says they need their money back or they got to be partners on his Venture and he has to pay them whatever doesn't really matter. My point is that he Snaps one night and he goes I you don't understand I just want to get off the fucking road, you know, somebody brought him to me that he was a bad parent and all this shit And he's like, I just want to get the fuck off the road You're out there fucking around lost, you know to the outside eye

It looks like a lot of fun and it really is and it's supposed to be fun All you're supposed to do how can how can there be a dark side? To something that is so fucking fun. How can there be a dark side to it? To something that is so fucking pure and lighthearted That if you go up there and you just crack jokes and you have a good time, it's it gets dark when Fucking promoters and fucking club bookers and agents and that's the dark side of comedy When those motherfuckers get involved And one person's telling you one thing and the other guy's telling you the other thing and you don't even fucking know

And don't get me wrong. There's no dark side to comedy. There's a dark side to music too You don't think Ozzy Oz what do you think I last week? I was goofing around with you fucking people about fucking I don't fuck around with Sharon Osbourne. You know, I wasn't I'm not making fun of Sharon You know, I feel bad for Sharon whatever What I'm saying to you people is that look at just take take the forget about black sap forget about Ozzy Osbourne Let's take a ccr What's the fucking guy's name? John the singer John Fogarty. Have you ever heard his story? How he gets no money from ccr? He wasn't allowed to sing ccr songs

What do you think that does to you as a fucking when all you want to do is sing all I want to do is sing All I want to do is play the drums. All I want to do is play the harmonica All I want to do is play the violin All I want to do is play the skin flute and all of a sudden all these people Are now all you want to do is comedy All you want to do is comedy and people go no, you can't do that venue Can't do that venue because there's not enough tickets Can't do that one because there's too many tickets. You can't do this one because the fucking union. So

That's that's what my dark side was. It wasn't what I was doing at all by no means Was it what I was doing the dark side of comedy to me was the agents The fucking club man the owners the managers The bookers the promoters, you know 3000 for you know, you so you I was looking over my shit Like I was dealing with fucking criminals half the time I had to look over my shit like I was dealing with fucking criminals half the fucking time Can you believe that people that I'm some you know, these are like movie people

Nice decent white people. I got to look over my shit Because this they're always beefing. They always got three hands in the fucking bowl It's it's amazing. It's so that's The dark side of comedy, you know My life changed Listen, there was a rough bump in my life and it was july of 2016 And that's when I shot degenerates and I'm thankful for Netflix for giving me that I'm I'm not gonna sit here I'm thankful for fucking everything. I'm very thankful for Netflix for giving me a half hour opportunity

What I wasn't thankful for was how the opportunity came abroad And the things that happened while And there wasn't Netflix's fault. You know this fault was it was my fault I didn't see the writing on the wall. I got blinded by the fucking smoke But I'm a big boy and I admit that now I got blinded by the light. I thought that all this shit was gonna happen From me doing a half hour special shame on me Shame on me. Those were my expectations

But that was a big lesson for me But let me tell you what it did that playing right home from vegas after I shot the netflix special And after the door went down after christina got up there and the the sound and all the bullshit from that night That playing right home was a very crucial time for me Because it let me know if I was gonna do this. I was gonna do this on my terms And it made me a way better fucking stand-up than what I was it made me tell you something in 2019 I was very good guys. I could sit here and blow smoke up your ass I'll tell you one thing and then you know, I tell you when I bomb I tell you when I have a rough set

I'm not hit. I'm not one of those comics. I killed tonight. No, you didn't I was in there. You didn't kill You didn't fucking kill you. Yeah, you're the bag of dicks But if you killed if you thought you killed good luck to you, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna argue with you I tell you when I eat a bag of dicks Nobody eats a bag of dicks like me and it was very rare in 2019 Like I just said the other day. Yeah, I ate a bag of dicks in New Orleans and maybe a couple other cities But let me tell you something. I look at those notebooks And I know what I was saying. I know it was coming out of my mouth and I was right now in the result

I was having great shows in 2019 And the beginning of 2020 I was in my fucking I was on a fucking roll And if you people saw me in Atlanta, you know, I was on a roll If you people saw me out when I was in Vegas I was on a fucking roll and you motherfuckers who saw me in tempi of in 2020 that weekend I fucking killed all five fucking shows because I was looking at it before I talked shit I have a notebook that I write everything the fuck down in and I was kicking the fucking ass and it was all because of What I felt in 2016

But with all that in mind I was still fucking burnt out and don't get me wrong What I'm doing is taking time off from stand-up Nobody said I was quitting. I got a little high on those fucking pills in the beginning And I said I was retiring. I'm not going anywhere. What I'm doing is taking a breather Which is going to make me that much more stronger every time I play that fucking guitar It irks me to fucking write something The last two nights

Listen every fucking night Saturday night, I put the UFC fucking fight on And I practiced my fucking guitar. The only fight I watched was the gasp woman The australian fight the other four fights I was icing my knee for one fight and Tensing it and then The other 15 fucking 20 30 minutes. I was practicing the fucking guitar and guess what? I ended up writing something about the fight. So

I am writing fucking jokes. I'm not ready to go back out there You know, the fucking jury goes into the liberation today. I think on the fucking chauvin case God knows what we're going to go there in this fucking country So before all that shit happens Jesus Christ, I might as well Just take some time off And look at it's done me fucking great guys. I feel great. I look great My attitude is fucking better You know, I'm

When I want to go to a comedy club like rich boss god bless his soul. I love that motherfucker You know, if you ever get a chance to see him, he's he's ever enjoyed to support him Because the help that he's given me between him and florentine has been tremendous But rich boss calls me all the time. He goes anytime you want to come to one of my shows If you just want to sit and watch or if you want to do a guest spot You're more than fucking welcome The other night, I'm not gonna lie to you You ever see night

I was threatening to go to fucking tips because there was no fucking honeymooners And I was like pissed off that there was no fucking honeymooners. I was like, maybe I'll go to tips And do a guest set, but I'm not doing that. I don't want coveney three sets before I do anything So when I'm fucking hot and ready and I could see it already that this little breather and me playing the guitar I told you guys for you to be creative You have to entertain if you don't get entertained It's tough to be fucking created You gotta you know and listen for me. It's not tea. Like I wish I could tell you that I'll watch a

A netflix show and I get fucking motivated. That doesn't motivate me anymore You know a biography motivates me You know Something like that motivates me but me watching fucking tv Doesn't motivate me at all. That doesn't entertain me a good movie like the other night A bunch of guys hit me up this week at close rangers on the end night. Oh my god I had the fuck, you know, I just get into movies I'm an old movie nut and I don't talk about movies on this podcast as much as I should

But like I think it was yeah, that was my gift for doing those two podcasts for doing those uh Two auditions Thursday night in the midst of my migraine when I went away I was like, what am I gonna do tonight and I went to see what was coming on and I like 10 o'clock At close range was coming on the mic. Jesus fucking christ I fucking won in there. I played the guitar from nine to nine 59 9 59 I fucking took two hits off the fucking pipe And I sat the fuck down and I watched at close range

From a to z and you know what man? it I'm a real fan of good acting like I fucking love watching great acting when it's People that I like I fucking lose my mind And I was like, you know what man? Look at fucking Christopher walking. Look at Sean fuck. I mean, I watched the whole thing That the and then during the middle. I'm not gonna lie to you During the middle I got a little bored and I went back because I wanted to practice fucking brains too again

Because I'm trying to get my fingers to stretch out So I practiced it again But at the last scene when he fucking goes in with the gun And tries to get Christopher walking Then I went back and I fucking paid attention and I got all fucking intense and my palms got sweaty And I'm like, all right I gotta turn this off now because I'm not gonna be able to go to sleep But I did fucking fall asleep. So everything worked out as fucking planned. But that's it man. We're here eight fucking months

Eight fucking months has come and gone I wish I would have given the guitar to you sooner. You know, I had that in December I was like, I don't know if he's gonna be interested in this. I wasn't I wasn't I really I really wasn't worried about it I'm just happy that uh That we came I'm happy that I I got to look at myself from what the fuck was going on, you know I should have been the happiest I ever was after 2016 You know, and I wasn't and I noticed That people around me there was a lot of comics around me

Some were faking the funk But I could see some comics were just caught up like I knew Of two comics that were just fucked up that I was talking to constantly And they weren't feeling it and now When we talk we know what the fuck it was that we were feeling We were fucking burnt out You know, there is a dark side to comedy. There is a dark side to music. There's a dark side to plumbing There's a dark side to everything you fucking do

If you let yourself get taken there If you let yourself get taken there, there is a dark side to everything. There's a listen man. I know women who Strip and end up fucked up and I know women who strip and end up leaving With a fucking Mercedes Benz. They put $50,000 away and a down payment on a condo and they walk away unscathed There's other strippers that fucking become strippers and then you see them 20 years from now. They're toothless With tattoos and biker tattoos on their necks. They belong to you know, who knows it's how you control it You know, I fell into it when I got into comedy. I fell into the cocaine and

I could blame the store. I could blame The road I could blame the improv. No, I fell into the dark side on my own You know I'm saying and my dark side was cocaine Which I cleaned up and then the rest of the dark side Was once I got involved in hollywood. I realized How much I really didn't like it how much it really wasn't who I am I just got into this game to do stand-up comedy. I didn't get into this game to go to premieres I don't look at I don't like looking at myself on a fucking camera. I don't like all this shit

You know on youtube I go on youtube when I'm fucking Answering emails or something like that and I'll just put the youtube page on you know Sometimes it's an old video of the church or something And I'll go Jesus Christ. Let me watch it. I'll watch it The longest I could watch one of those church videos is maybe 50 fucking seconds And I go what who the fuck was that guy? And I look at the date and I go, what the fuck was I talking about and more importantly What the fuck how many drugs did I do that day?

How many edibles did I do do that day? How many fucking joints did I smoke that day? What was it really fucking necessary? I mean, I'm not that had a great time. I'm not listen. It was a great fucking podcast It was great that you know, but what the fuck, you know, I just caught a podcast the other day I went and the reason why we tweeted it was because I was like in shock We were talking we had just put acid on the fucking ice cube Lee was like this ice cube tastes funny. I don't know what the fuck he was talking about a sugar cube A sugar cube. We had liquid acid putting on a fucking sugar cube on a fucking podcast on a national fucking

Podcast that's seen all around the world Yeah, we didn't even you know, it's like that was one of the many fucking acid days Like I look at those podcasts and I'm like, what did I do that day? What did we do? Who gave us a pill? Who gave us? You know a fucking ketamine who fuck, you know, what the fuck were we thinking? And listen again, you know me dog. I ain't bitching about doing drugs. I enjoy. I'm no fucking quitter But you have to evolve in your life And I feel great now like today. It's what is it 10 in the morning? I still haven't fucking smoked up

You know, I still haven't smoked up I'll smoke before too. I adhere to the rules I wrote the rules. I gotta adhere to them But it's not like I used to get up and fucking I would drink a cup of coffee and then I would be two three bong hits in And then I would be you know all day. I could hear them the wheeze in my throat Yeah, I still got the wheeze in my throat and I got the beginnings of emphysema I know that you don't need to fucking tell me that but I do sound a lot better today. I feel a lot better I'm walking a lot better. I got my walking on I could tell when I'm breathing. So

I'm very happy. I made this fucking move. So eight months later It has been as positive as I thought it would be. Hey, all right I'm not doing stand-up, but I'm doing a fucking podcast and I'm learning how to fucking be a dad I'm just adjusting to learning how to be in a fucking dad. And you know what last time I checked There ain't nothing wrong with that, especially after I failed the fucking first time At least I'm humble enough and man enough to say I fucking failed. I couldn't come through for my child But this time it's gonna be different. It is different and that's why I'm doing the things I'm fucking doing So I'm happy that you fucking watch today

Uh, I'm happy that we got to open up a monday. I know that you guys have been fucking uh, how come you got a guest on a monday? Okay, listen, I'm coming on here. I got something to say It's been eight months and this is what the fuck has happened And this is how I feel. So I'm happy that you're fucking watching guys. I'm happy that you uh, Are seeing the change in me. You're seeing what's going on here And in time, we're just gonna keep getting stronger and better and we're gonna put guests on whether you like them or not That's not my fucking problem. Uh, that's up to you to decide I'm just gonna keep doing my fucking job and keep doing what I'm doing being honest with you motherfuckers. That's the best thing I could do

So it's monday the 19th. I've been here for eight months Thank you for all your support. Thank you for watching and uh, we'll see you motherfuckers thursday We're the guests. Just so you fucking know a good guest. We're gonna have a great fucking time And I don't know what I'm doing for 420 Yet happy 420 for all the years. I know CBD lines got a sale I talked about in the beginning at the end. I know that I'm gonna try to do something with uh, I know that My man is doing something that

Be real is doing something with cypress hill and it's gonna be a pay-per-view event I mean, I would jump on it if I was you it seems like it's gonna be a lot of fun You know, I love be real we were supposed to do each other's podcast But he's been rehearsing and you know, we've been trying to put it together I don't know what's gonna happen today if maybe I could go on there today and do a segment but uh Happy 420 to all you motherfuckers. I'll be doing something. I'm gonna surprise my patreon people But that's all I got for you motherfuckers. Have a great week. Have a great monday And I'll see you motherfuckers tip top magoo wednesday morning

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