Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/03/13 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #85

Episode Date: June 4, 2013

Artist Mike Maxwell calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/03/13

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, Self Park, SNL, and more. Right now, my listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash joey. Oh, shit. Monday, June 3rd. Making it happen. You smoke and reefer, you're drinking your orange juice.

You got your corn flakes. It's all about to go down. It's Monday. It's your second chance at fucking life, godson. Get up. Do a jumping jack. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. See, it's kind of odd. Oh my god. I gotta give up.

I gotta let the leg out. Thinking, well, I live another 24. Fuck it. If you don't live, you live. Go out there, sling dick, and make the best of it. It's Monday, cocksucker. What's going on with you, you little prick? Thank you, good to see you. Crying since the minute I come in here, you all discombobulate. It's Monday.

I'm not discombobulated. You're texting some broad. You're playing back. You went out with this other broad last night. I don't like it when you're happy. When you're happy, you give me too much shit. I'm happy. What the fuck don't you want? When I'm mad, I give you shit. When you're mad, you're just quiet. You're just like, whatever. When you're happy. This edible we're going to eat today.

You've been talking to me for like four days. This is stressing you out. Why is this stressing you out? You're going to eat it and go to bed. It's like you're going to eat it and drive in the fall. That's normally what I do. Okay, for people who give me shit, let me explain to you what he does. He's been calling me for like five or six days that he's known about this. And he did this. He's like, it's too much for me, man. This is going to be bad. Click.

The next day, get ready for it. You're going to see the devil. Click. For like six days, twice a day. This is too much. When you go to a fucking movie, right? Don't they show your previews? Yeah. I'm giving you previews. You're not giving me previews. I'm the phone. Let's see how much I can get this Jew to freak out. And now in front of all our friends, you're like, oh, I'm old tough. You told me you had one year to throw the rest away because it was too strong.

The cats were licking it. They were running around. What are you talking about? It's a fucking other guy making up shit. For all you people know, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Get your shit together. Don't listen to this fucking Mortovan over here. Mortovan. Stop making juice in this fucking crying shit. I come in here. He's got this face on like he's lost his fucking dog.

You don't even have one. I feel like I'm going to find a dog and lose it. He's like a fucking savage this week. They were throwing grapes in your mouth and rubbing your fucking toes. I come in here. You're sitting there like a bump on a log again, watching that fucking ESPN. Yeah, I'm watching ESPN for ten minutes before you get here. Because when you give a fuck about sports, cocksucker, get up. You should be writing poetry.

Jumping jacks, reciting shit, philosophy, reading Nietzsche. The fuck ESPN. Cut it out. What are you depressed about? I'm not depressed for shit. Let me give you the fucking story, all right? Anthony Dolores, one of my favorite people in the world, one of the best edible companies out there. All right, my girl Miranda, I love her to death. She's a fucking great lady. Anthony Dolores is coming out with a new product. It's a 500 milligram fucking brownie chocolate cupcake with vanilla icing. Just vanilla icing alone will give you goose bumps on your neck, okay?

So she sent me two of them. I got two of them, and I took one, I cut it in half, and I left it by the bread where I put the bread. And I cut it again, and I ate a quarter. And then I ate the other quarter, and I had forgotten that I had eaten it. How do you forget leaving it? Because you're living your fucking life. You're not dwelling in this edible I ate. What's gonna happen? You're just living your fucking life. That's what encourages the edible.

People think that the edible is gonna make you happy. No, it's gonna make you happy times 10. You're gonna have a good time. You're gonna chill your life. You're gonna see life of what the fuck it is. All right, sometimes you see it from behind the... whatever. Anyway, I ate this thing, and my wife went to yoga, and I was watching a baby. Meanwhile, I forgot that I had eaten this fucking thing at 7.30 in the morning on Saturday, and it just hit me. It overwhelmed me, but what really killed me about it was that the baby was sitting on me, and I mean, I had a pee, and she was asleep, and I couldn't wake her up.

And I was starting to get anxiety from how the fuck I was gonna pee and get up. My wife came in, and that's what happened. That's what gave me the anxiety. It wasn't the edible. I realized a couple hours later that the edible was fucking strong. I mean, it was really goddamn strong. It's delicious. Wait till you taste it. But yesterday, I was fucked up too. Really? Yesterday, she moched you at the church. Jesus?

Sure, I did. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with here? You gotta go to church prepared. You gotta go to fucking church sober. You gotta smoke something. You gotta shoot some heroin. That was an awesome weekend, man. Thanks for including me in the podcast. Yeah. Hey, listen, man, let me tell you something. I was gonna baptize my child one way or another. For about a month, I was thinking about New York City. I was gonna take it back and have my friends and the whole thing.

Then I really started thinking about it. And I said, A, she's not gonna remember nothing. So it really doesn't fucking matter. And B, as much as my wife said that to me that day, I keep my past close to me. I keep it close to me to remind me. And I keep it close to me for different things. I didn't want to go back there because I wanted her to have her life here.

That's not her life. That was my pathetic fucking life. I had nothing to do with her. So I decided to have it here with who my family is here. Did you see those people at that table yesterday? Yeah. They're my family. Felipe Spars, Dr. Amy, my acupuncturist, Stacey Poca Ludo from the publicity company.

I've known them since day one. Ralphie called, a couple people called and said they couldn't make it, blah, blah, blah. I didn't invite everybody. I just invited the people. I didn't want movie stars or Hollywood. I didn't want no less shit. I just wanted my friends there. That's all that matters to me.

My fucking friends at the end of the week. Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm. But it's great because you talked about it for a while, but I took about 200 pictures just because I just kept pressing take the picture. And you've talked about it. You said all that matters is that Terry's happy. There's some pictures and I haven't seen you guys smile like that

in the two years that I've known you. And it's just, I saw Mercy, I think when she was around a month old, and I haven't seen her for a couple months because you're always gone during the weekends and I'm always working. But I saw her like two or three times this weekend and she's just adorable. She's great. You're a good kid. I'm very fortunate.

I got a healthy kid. Cut that. I'm not eating all that. Look what I ate. Look what we ate. Half and two hundred. I ate a bulk of it. Eat it.

I saw what you did. I saw what you did. I'm cutting it in half. There's no way I'm eating all this. I'll eat this. Eat that right there. That's the way it's supposed to be. It's 30 milligrams.

Fuck you, 30 milligrams. I'm watching it. Come on. Eat. I am. Give me a second. Jesus Christ. I don't like to see nothing.

Look at him. He's done with the water and the whole thing. Jesus Christ. These kids are going to shoot you on this podcast. Good. Let me see you. Fuck you. There you go.

With some water. Where's the other piece? Do the other piece. I'll have another. I'm watching you. Fuck you. Jesus Christ. Remember that.

Delicious. Nutritious. She makes it gluten-free with real eggs. It's healthy. And by the way, for you people at our local, this is how we roll the church of what's happening now. Friday, the 7th, or 7th, from 4 to 8, Anthony Dolores is doing a sampling at my favorite place.

Which one? The one on Lancashire. Oh. The one on this. 4 to 8. I'll be there at some point. I got a meeting. I got a couple of things to do.

But I will be there for two minutes or so. So if you're there, I'll bring some t-shirts for you. Friday, the fucking 6th or the 7th, 4 to 8, Anthony Dolores will be a divine wellness on Lancashire Boulevard. Be there or be fucking square. Let's get down, Lee. What's going on? How you doing?

We had a great time. You know, one of my friends came in from out of town. It was funny. I am not a fucking tour guide. I have never been a tour guide. I don't know nothing about nothing. I like staying close to my house, and this is even when I did blow. I don't like fucking bars, I don't like going anywhere.

But I had to entertain this cock-suck, he's a dear friend. I knew when he came out, he was a long shoreman, he goes to bed early, and he wakes up early. So 8 o'clock he goes to bed, and he's coaxed at 5 o'clock here. I had my fucking hands full. The first night when he came in, I picked him up Thursday. Me and Lee, my wife and the baby, went over to a, what was his name? Salsa and beer. Sherman Ways and fucking Mexican, delicious.

Best Mexican food around, cheap as fuck. I think we all ate for 50 fucking bucks. I had steak, tell him how long the shrimp lasted on my dish. I didn't know how stoned you were, but the food came, I showed up a few minutes late, and he got his food, and there were probably five or six shrimp. I'm not sure that you didn't take all those shells off, like you, and you just inhaled it, I don't think you just inhaled it. I was fucking starving.

So we went to Salsa and chips Thursday night from there. And I love how you call every, every, every time there's any person who speaks Spanish, everyone's primo. Primo, that means cousin. If you're just yelling across the washroom, primo! Primo, get over here, cocksucker, I got shit going on, my tongue is on fire. The fucking salsa was on fire, and we went to the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. Yeah, that was cool.

And that was cool, and then from there we dropped James home, because he was dizzy. You know, he don't like dirty language either. He doesn't? No. Oh yeah, he was laughing, because he's my buddy, and I'm his buddy, and I'm his brother. But another thing about him, he's very straight. He doesn't like when I say fucking ethnic jokes. Oh really?

He don't like when I smoke pot, he don't like none of that shit. But we've been friends since we were 15. When we were 15, we did everything. I mean, we did everything. He was the one that drove us down the shore, and we stole the 17 grams of blow, and we got down there all coked up, and we touched the beach, we all looked at each other, and we were like, we gotta get back in the car. So we drove three fucking hours to get right back in the car and come home.

I mean, him and I used to go to a lot of fucking movies together as a kid. That was our connection. Yeah. You know, if you see who his normal friends are, you go, Joey, where the fuck do you fit into all this? But he hangs out with three or four people that are crazy like me, and he really dug them. And he never judged me, and 35 years later he's my friend.

You know, he's come out to Colorado to visit me. Oh really? He came out to Seattle to visit me, and now he's in Los Angeles. Every 10 years he makes a fucking appearance. I'm really lucky. When I was looking for a godfather for the child, I wanted somebody who was a father, you know, let his own kids. Because when you're a godfather, like I said before on the show, you know, my mother died

in an early age. When you're a godfather, you fulfill that void. Yeah. You know, my godfather, I grew up in a criminal fucking Cuban elephant, and my godfather from the ages of, you know, I could remember five to 15, my godfather was a soldier. I fucked him years later, until now I feel really bad. Now I want to go to Miami and shoot him. He's like 85, so I wouldn't get any justice, but I wanted my daughter to be able to fly

back east, get a family, and have somewhere to go. And then the godmother too, you love her, she always talk about her. Yeah, the godmother is my wife's friend, she's got four kids, you see the daughter? Yeah, you love that girl. I have some pictures, and some of my pictures, like I just remember it, because she was sitting right outside and he just, I just have pictures, and you're just staring at him, just making faces at her. Oh, the little girl.

Oh, that's Majae. She's a Filipino, they're Filipino. Yeah. And she works with my wife. You know, my wife has no fucking friends. My wife had two friends, and both of them told her to go fuck himself when she started dating me. Oh really?

So my wife was really sensitive about that shit. My wife don't give a fuck. As long as my wife has a book, she's as happy as shit, and we got each other, you know, which is the most important thing. But over the couple of years, my wife's been making little fucking connections with little people and shit like that, and Janice was one of them. At the wedding, it was the first time I met Janice. They worked together, and I got in there, and Janice was sick.

And she showed up to the wedding, and she helped my wife with all these details. Not to mention she has four kids. She's a beautiful woman. She's got four fucking kids, that lady. Wow. And her husband's cool as shit. You know, he's a paparazzi. Oh really?

Yeah. People don't chase him down a car. But no, you love that little kid. Oh, I love the kids. I love his kids. And I was so surprised, right as they were leaving, like, Jade, excuse me, thank you so much for coming. I was like, who is this person, and she got all nervous, and then you were making faces

at her. Oh, I love Jade. With all my heart. I've known Jade since she was four. You know, that's the family I took to the Lager game. And we didn't take her, and I felt so fucking guilty. You know? That she wouldn't really, she wasn't really into basketball, so I got like a gift certificate

to Toys R Us. A big gift certificate. I love them. I'm very happy. And my wife's happy. And Stacey was there. A lot of people made fun of me. Like, how can you baptize your child and stuff?

Listen, I had a couple things I had to do with my child. I had to introduce her to her godparents, and I had to take her to a church, and that's it. That's where my introduction to the church ends. Yeah. I was thinking about that yesterday. I didn't want to ask in front of everyone, but were you thinking, like yesterday, were you thinking about your mom a lot yesterday?

Yeah. I would think you would be. Big day. The last two days. Big mom day. Big day. Just little things. You know, little fucking remembrances of what that meant to me growing up when I was in

the church. The priest was talking to me when he was talking about the three oils on my Vaseline. I still got it, even in my mind. That was a cool, that was a cool priest. I was thinking about it during the service, because I've probably been to two or three Catholic things ever, like maybe one funeral, and like this. And I don't know if it was just him, or if it's all, but it's, like, for Jewish services, it was a joke, but Dr. Aimee and I were saying it would have been two hours, we would have

been standing up and down, and we wouldn't have understood any of it. But like, it was so intimate, like, he just, he wasn't out up at the stand, he was just talking to like the... No, we walked out. It was just us alone. We signed up for that side, and he goes, you know what, going into the last week, it's just you guys alone, for the baptism, you'll be out of there by 2.30. And he explained a little bit, and then like, he, I always like when they're, when they're

kind of cool, he's like, when he was talking about the things where you have problems, he's like, maybe it's just someone flipping you off, and it's just, he was like a cooler, older guy, and I was like, it seemed cool, like I was thinking, like, if I had been Catholic, I might have still been religious, just because that guy was fucking cool. Well, you know, like I said, I'm not the most religious guy in the world, but I respect, I know there's something out there. If there isn't something out there, I wouldn't be 50 with that beautiful little fucking baby. Yeah.

You know, I've never gotten nobody fucking pregnant like that before, but it's so weird how, you know, I have a daughter from a previous marriage, and I can tell you one thing, that it never felt like a family, like it did yesterday for me. Oh yeah. Didn't have, never felt like a family. Never ever, between her family, and they were a nice white family, you know, originally from the Buffalo, the whole thing, but they didn't make me feel what I felt yesterday. There was, I don't know, because I was addicted on Coke then, or I don't know what the difference

was, but yesterday I did feel something, and I had a great time at the restaurant. We ate cute Saturday night, we went to fucking Artie Morton's, and we killed that motherfucking place, but let people know, we ate healthy. We didn't eat desserts, you know, it's not like we fucking ate a ton of bread. We had salad and steak. We had salad and a fucking steak, that's it, and we had a little bit of the mashed potatoes. The potatoes were good. The horseradish mashed potatoes.

The horseradish mashed potatoes. You don't know what the fuck around it. My wife, when I woke up this morning, my wife started staking the fucking refrigerator. You know how much control it took not for me to steal that fucking steak this morning. Oh, and it's a rib eye, too, so like, it's beautiful, beautiful. Oh, God. Listen, man, the only, and what I said to you, there's a big difference between eating McDonald's and good food.

Yeah. To Mexican food was not expensive. The food yesterday was not expensive. No. But it was good food. Oh yeah. That's all I ask of people. That's it.

Some places that you just don't fucking know, me, I don't even want to take that chance. I don't even want to take that chance. That pork I eat, you know, I never eat pork out. Really? Refused to eat pork on the outside. No pulled pork sandwiches, no guts. The only thing I eat pork out is when I go, I'm in Jersey and I eat spare ribs at hand. Chance dragging in.

That's the only fucking pork I eat. Why don't you like pork? I just don't trust it. Why take the chance? I do that with shrimp. I do, and some people with shrimp, I just feel something about pork. A friend of mine said he got sick on pork once. It lasted fucking a month, how sick he was.

So seafood, I've gotten fucking sick on that fucking cancer seafood from Subway Sandwich. That's shit they give you in a can. I've never gotten sick from sushi. I heard it tonight, man. Yeah, sushi, you have to go to a good place, but like Long John Silver's, I would never go there. Yeah, you can see somebody eating fucking sushi at Long John Silver's with a fucking white dude with Scott's tape on his ass.

He was fucking Japanese, ain't that a fucking bitch? What up, Lee motherfucking Syat? How many jumping jacks you gonna do today? I don't know, I'm just dreading what's about to happen, so we'll see. And that's gonna happen, we'll need another piece in a second. Fuck you. I left the fucking knife out and everything like, I told you. What time you gotta be at work?

Six. It's 12 hours away. What could possibly... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 12 hours. You're not gonna do nothing all day. And the fucking thousand. And the edible last 11 and a half hours.

So why? I don't know why. You're used to it already. You've been eating edible. See, the more you... It's like jujitsu, it's like anything else. The more you do it, the easier it gets. So start eating them.

When I come over here and I handle them, but I'm juicing. But you're out drinking cocktails with Ashley and fucking Bruce Lee's sister. Bruce Lee's sister? So I don't wanna hear fucking shit, cock sucker. I don't wanna hear fucking nothing. You know, good. You're making stories, but we did have a nice weekend and it was really nice to have James around.

We really had some... He lost his mother a year ago and I can see how it affected him in the time I've known him. I mean, I walked one night to go see a Charles Bronson movie and I mean, that's how old we are. That's how long we've been friends. There was no cars when we first started hanging out. Now, he's your age?

Like roughly close to it? Yeah, he's about 50. He's about 50. I remember I was going to see like Ghostbusters together. We went to see a lot of fucking movies. That was him and I's connection. We went to see Scarface together, we went to see The Evil That Men Do was the Charles Bronson movie.

We went to see. In 1984, we walked home, we went to this bar and we stayed out all fucking night. He was crazy. He was crazy when he was younger. But somewhere along the line, he just, he went to his college and he became emotional. He had a really fucked up experience and this is why you gotta watch who's in your car. Okay.

I know he would be mad at me if he listened to this, but he drove a friend that is from Warcom one day. Okay. And the friend told him to make a stop that he had to pay for a, he had to go to a restaurant and pay a bookie debt. And when the guy came out, he got in the car and he went for a ride. They got pulled off by the cops. They were watching the place.

It was being watched by the DEA and they pulled him over and the kid had some blow on him. Oh no. So they arrested everybody. He threw it on the floor and they arrested everybody. But I don't know if you know that, but if you get busted in a fucking car and you throw the shit on the floor, everybody gets arrested in the car. That's a ballless fucking move. Yeah.

So they arrested James and he had to go tell his father and he never felt the same about that. So years afterward, I went back home for something and I got in the car with him and he goes, hey, listen, man, I love you to death with tight, but if you got drugs on you, you can't come in my car. Yeah. Of course, after something like that happened. And I told him the truth.

I do got drugs on me. He goes, I'll figure out what you're going to do with him because you can't bring him in my fucking car. So I went behind the tree and snorted the coke and got in his car and that was it. He's always been kind of fucking weird after that. I heard that happened. I mean, nothing bad happened. But when I interned out here, I lived in like a kind of a, not a boarding house, but something

like it. And I was out with my roommate and he said, go over here, I have to make a stop. And he was, I mean, weed is basically legal here. So it wouldn't have been that bad. But we were in fricking like mid-Wilshire and he was going to sell somebody weed and he didn't tell me. And like it freaked me out. So I never drove him again.

But that's a, that's a shitty thing to do to somebody. That's a shitty thing to do to somebody. Did you talk to him? So you lived in a boarding house when you first got here? Kind of. Well, I interned here before I moved out here. Right. And it's like all the, all the, what is it called?

International people. It's just, it's a place in West LA that you can rent a room for like 800. Hostel. Come basically, yeah. You have your own room when you have roommates. I know. I probably, they owned like five or six houses on the street and I had my own room. But there were people in the house that had their own room too.

You shared a bathroom with? Yeah. Right. I've been in those. Yeah. No, no, it wasn't, it wasn't bad. And he was a cool guy and he, he was a ballet at the Playboy mansion. But he sold, he like, he, we were just driving around to like go down here and it was a shitty,

like a shitty street. He got out of the car and told this guy weed and it kind of like, because I'm from Boston where it's not legal and it freaked me out. But that's crazy. James, James is a cool guy because he didn't, he told me James, but I know his last name from all the stories and he didn't say it until like the second day. So it's a, it's crazy meeting people like, oh, I've heard all these stories about you. It was, it's fucking crazy.

You know, it's, I lived in a boarding house for the first time ever in 85. I left North Bergen and I moved in with Mr. T. And I just wanted my own place. So I looked in the paper for apartments. I didn't even know what a boarding house was. And I got this lady on the phone and she goes, that apartment's been packed, but this is what I do have. I have a house that I rent out rooms at and instead of paying 600 a month for the apartment, I rent your room for 80 a week, which is like 320 a month or something.

And she goes, a beautiful house that you could use the kitchen. You could use the bathroom and you could use the kitchen. That's it. And you have to have your meals in some part of the refrigerator. So I went and looked at the place. It was beautiful. It was a bedroom and that's all you needed. That's all I needed.

And I had a kitchen area where I could bring food and cook it. And I had this bathroom and it was just so weird that the roommate I had that she rented out three rooms on the third floor. And what happened was she was married and she had two boys and a girl and everybody had moved out of the fucking house. And now she was just renting the room so she wouldn't be alone. She was a very nice woman. And one day I'm outside and a Camaro pulls up.

I'm just walking out to go get the bus to the city. Like that's what I liked about it was a Teenac New Jersey or Tenefly. Tenefly, New Jersey was Tenefly because I still got a warrant there. And that was Tenefly. And I walked out and you could jump on the bus right into the city there. Tenefly's next to Dumont and all those little crest scale and all that shit. OK. Dumont is where the ice man lived.

Oh, OK. And I'm right there in Tenefly and I walked to the bus and almost the kick comes up and I come out and he gets out of the car and he goes, how are you doing? I go, what's up? He goes, oh, there's my mother's house. I go, oh, there's your mother's house. And he goes, yeah, yeah, all right.

So I leave in the next day. I was on pulling into the city again. He pulls up again and we start talking. One thing leads to another. He goes, where are you going? I go and go into this. I got to take a bus. He goes, why don't you take it?

He goes, I got to go into the city. He goes, I'll drop you off by the George Washington Bridge. And you can take a train down. That's still not bad. I was killing time anyway. I didn't have to be at work till five. It was like maybe lunchtime and what I would do basically is take a bus into Port Authority and I take the A train to Harlem and get a bag of weed

anyway and go to a movie and eat some food. Then I go back to work at five. I was one of those guys. I'm just getting like, so he goes, get in the car. We shoot into over the thing. And on the bridge, it's it's comes out that he's going over to get coke. Of course, I'm going to get I go fuck that. I go get a $20 coke rock and I will get some weed with you.

So we come friends and the next day he comes over again. He picks me up and he lived with a girl or whatever. One day he he comes over, picks me up and he drops me into the city. And the weirdest thing is in the city, people come up to you all the time and ask if you want to buy shit at this time, people come up to you and ask you, do you buy shit? But so me and him, I bought a chain from somebody. I bought like just a chain.

Did they tell you the story? I don't think so. Just a chain, not a no peace on or nothing. And the next day I go, what the fuck am I going to do with this chain? And gold was high that I don't know what the price of gold was. I think I bought it for like $15 or something like that. So I take the chain over the guy tested. It's good. Boom.

He gives me $85. I make $70 to me. That's a fucking payday at the time. I was 20 years old, 21 years old or whatever. So I tell this kid this. I go, yeah, I went over there and they paid. So he says to me, I got this ring. He goes, my wife's girlfriend, my girlfriend's mother wants to sell it.

So right way I know it's bullshit, but I don't give a fuck. He goes, I'll give you half the money. I said, sure, I fucking get the ring. We go into the city. I split it with him. I tell him for some fucking reason, some fucking reason, because I'm a dumb fuck. You know, in those days, they didn't ask you for a license yet for gold. Okay.

I told him I didn't have a license and I told him my address and Tina. And I told him the fucking authentic line. I told him my real name, which I would never fucking do. Never. In those days, you have to say nothing. I can tell him my name is Lisa. Yeah, for all they fucking do. Yeah. And I told him my real name. No, are you a pawn shop or a little bit?

It was a place where you sell gold in New York City. It's a pawn shop slash jewelry store where you sell gold in it. Now, number two, I thought this area was all corrupted. OK, I thought no matter what you sold, it got melted. You know what I'm saying? But this place is really doing paperwork. I was bringing places to and it wasn't like I was bringing gold to them every day. I was bringing gold to them once a fucking month.

Maybe I bought a piece. Maybe I stole a ring back from Nick's Pizza, whatever the fuck it was. Yeah. And I could not go to the door about 10 days later in Jersey. They pulled me out and they fucking handcuffed me. And they go, this is a possession of stolen property. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And they go, you hand that you sold some jewelry in New York City. Two of the pieces I sold was stolen.

A piece I had sold like a month before. And the chain I sold for the fucking kid that was the lady's son. He stole the fucking ring from the lady. Oh, of course. There was her mother. So the cops, you know, she even made a police report about a week later and I fucking go to jail. I get busted.

And that's when I called Georgie. Oh, did you hear that story when Georgie bailed me out? Yeah, yeah. That was what you had seen him a couple of days before. Right. So I seen him that same day. Oh, same day. So I got arrested for the fucking possession of stolen property. Then they realized I had a fucking warrant in Fort Lee, New Jersey, or something from Cliffside Park.

They dropped the jewelry charges. OK. They took me to Cliffside Park. Cliffside Park made bail and I got the fuck out of there. I never heard again from the rings. And the bail, I paid the fine and I was fucking done. That's why you got to be fucking careful. Whatever the fuck you do. I mean, now they'll throw you in jail because now it's so there's so much

fucking paperwork involved in whatever you sell. And they have those cash for gold places everywhere. The cash for gold. Cash for gold. Sure. But, you know, it was amazing how much gold I sold in those days. There's two things I sit here and all. And I fucking want to shoot myself in the head. How much gold I sold for cheap money.

You'd probably be a billionaire now for fucking blow. And how much blow spent I spent on blow. Yeah, I did a couple of kilos for free, but I also paid for fucking kilos in my bed. If you had to guess, do you think you spend over half a million? You think half of Jesus Christ? Oh, that's we. It's not Monday. We've got to do this.

You're a beautiful man, Lee Syed. Look at Lee Syed always thinking. Can't forget something for the mother. The edibles, the edibles starting to kick in. And I have to do all the stuff I have to do first. I want to be around. Oh, shit. It's Monday, bitches. I don't know what he's kicking in.

Good for you. Sing it, Lee, Lee, Lee. It's Monday. Watch that pussy. You want to make a good impression. He's dating now, right? You don't want to show up with a stinky little Jew dick? No, you don't. Sure you don't.

Let's spark this number out of respect. We'll swear to be true as you used to do with me. Come on, all the way. Take a couple heads to this number. I'll do a couple of jumping jacks for you today. This is when I see how high I am, because I can already feel it in my legs

and standing up is going to be a good. You don't feel that way. I don't feel nothing. Shut up. 500 fucking milligrams. But we only ate not even half when he breaks your heart. It's Monday. That's still 300 milligrams that you only ate.

Would you eat the other piece? No, I'm watching you. Go eat the other piece. God, it's like a line sack of shit. And tell me, yeah, you know, fuck your money. I'm not eating the other piece. Hit Lee. But what's the piano?

All right, Italy. Hit that piece. I'm not eating the other piece. Lee, eat the piece. No, one piece is enough. It was a little, little piece I gave. Really, you don't even have 30 milligrams. You leave fucking 45.

No, I've had enough. I'll fucking eat it later. Eat it right now. No, fuck you. Eat it right now for the camera. So help me God, I'll make you eat a quarter of this piece. Either that piece or a piece of this. What's it going to be?

Come on, let's see. You know, Lee, come on, Lee, why are you doing this? Because I'm done. You're gonna embarrass me. This kid wants me to throw you off the fucking podcast now. Oh, that was, I didn't see that. That's funny though. Eat the little piece.

No, I'm done. Eat the piece. No. Lee, eat it, please. Don't make me mad. You can do all this stuff. I'll go home. That's okay.

I'll do it. Good. Eat the fucking piece. No, I'm done. I'm done. Why are you being such a fucking move today? Because it's Monday, we have a nice weekend. It's my second day at a new job.

So what, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna sleep 12 hours. I can see if you're gonna eat it and go there at eight. Eat the fucking piece, Lee. You're gonna sleep nicely. Can you believe I got to deal with this shit all the time? Tell us about what happened with the women this weekend. It's surprising.

I've been trying to do a little bit of dating. And I went on this date. And we talked a little bit. She's like, listen, I'm in school. I don't think it's gonna work out. So I said, fine. And she texted me the next day. And she said, do you want to be friends?

Now normally, I would have said yes. Because I mean, I try to make everyone happy. But I met her on this dating website. And I was honest. I said, honestly, no, not really. I said, you're a nice person. But I have enough platonic friends. You never put that in the right angle.

And she got mad at me. She didn't like that answer. And she texted me the next day. She's like, you know what? I think I made the wrong choice. I still kind of want to date. And I don't understand that at all. And everyone knows my history with other girls.

And we were talking. And there's always someone who likes the other person more in a relationship. There always is. And guys have things that are fucked up with too. But girls almost never like the guy that likes them. It's always the guy that doesn't pay attention, the guy that doesn't call them back.

The guy that pisses on them, the guy that smacks them, the guy that goes to jail. And then you've got to find the happy medium. You've got to stop being a nice guy. You learn nothing from him. But I'm still being a nice guy. I'm not an asshole to her. But saying I don't want to be friends, that.

What's going on with the other bro? You in love with the other bro still? Oh, no. I mean, no. Play the guitar for this weekend. I don't play the guitar. My fingers are too short. I can't play the guitar.

You didn't serenade it with love this weekend? No. No, I only saw her for like an hour this weekend. Did you try anything? You tell her you love, do you want to eat a monkey? No. You didn't push the envelope a little bit. The envelope's over.

The envelope's long gone. You didn't push the envelope. I said, listen, don't be coming over here unless you're going to sniff my nuts. I'm going to rub some fucking juklone on them. We're going to fucking get this party started. What, juklone? I don't know.

Just money? I don't fucking know. You've got to get it together, cocksucker. But no, it's just. You got the other broad already hooked up. You're dating the other broad, pseudo. Yeah, yeah, no, it's a. And you got the other girls.

What about the girl in Boston? You still got her on the hook? Who, Rose? We still talk, but we're not doing anything. Talk. Yeah. Talk. What?

Will you send the letters? No, every few days she sends me a text. She's 3,000 miles. You put it on the wrong end again. The set up was not strong. You just can't figure out the fucking e-cigarette. But no, I mean, this girl's going to school a couple hours away at the end of the summer.

So we'll see what happens there. But this is all new to me. I've always been the nice guy, and I'm trying to not do that. It's over. Yeah. Well, let the big girl like fucking hastax cajon. You got to have a fucking strip club. You didn't go to a strip club yet the other day.

You know, these people love you, Lee. They try to look out for you. The same way I'm trying to look out for you. You always try to fight the power and do this and fight the power. You do what you do, but you're going to fucking, you're going to think about your uncle Joey someday. You're going to go, that motherfucker's right. No, you aren't.

That motherfucker's a savage. He just loves me. Jesus, this is already hitting me. Eat the other one. I'm not eating the other one. Eat the fucking edible cocksucker. Eat the other one because you're going to feel better. It's the balance.

No, no. That's the yin. This little piece will be the yin. No, no, the yin. The yin. Do a couple of jumps. The yin is you calling me at 4 o'clock just howling like that. Let me explain something.

If you don't eat the edible, I'm going to call you every fucking day on the dot and crash you, send you boxes. I'm going to send a black cooker to your building 10 fucking times. What do these nice white people going to do when they see a 400-pound black cooker knocking on your door for the 10th time? Eat that piece of chocolate, please. Don't embarrass me and the church of what's happening. I'm not embarrassing anybody.

It's already hitting me. It's already hitting you where? You're nothing happened. Not yet because I'm not eating another fucking huge piece. I'm proud of you, you're a fucking good man. You're taking these bitches to the hoop. You're slinging some dick. Look at you.

You're juicing. You got to try. You got a steak this weekend with a Caesar salad. Oh, fuck. I love Caesar salad. You went to church? I went to church. That's right off your comfort zone.

Are you walking into a Catholic church? Right there, shit should have been falling. Do you see me looking at the ceiling? I want to pee. Yeah, and then we got that. Jerry LaRocca and I got there about 20 minutes early and we were just talking. And he brought me into the, I don't know what it's called, but the main room during the end of the service.

And the stations of the cross are on the side. And he said, look at that. That's what your uncle did to him right there. And then he came up to me and he's like, when we first got to the church, he's like, you know this is where they filmed the really hardcore nun porn, right? I was like, what? Because we're in the valley. I didn't know if it was true.

He was just messing with me the entire time. And then we got there right when they were giving the commune. Is it called communion with the wafer and stuff? He's like, you know what? At the end, they picked two people. The priest doesn't think it's worthy. And they beat them with sticks. Sure they do.

And those communes, they give little roofies to you, too. Just in case you want to lose your mind at the end of the film. Let me tell you something. Did you know why? And I told you at the end of the procession, why I baptized the baby there. Oh, yeah. Tell these motherfuckers. It's, I didn't notice it.

But for anyone who has bought it, you were the priest. The album cover is that's where we shot it. Right there, Felicia Michaels shot me right in that fucking church where it says, priests, right by a confessional, from loyal to whether the fuck did us right. So that fucking cover did us right. The Catholic church did us OK. So we proceeded to take it to the fucking hoop.

And that's what you're supposed to do. Loyalty is the main fucking key, you know what I'm saying? We eat that piece of chocolate. Fuck, I'm not eating it. What are you reading on the board? What's the matter? Some chicks sent you a note. She wants to rub your pussy on your head.

What happened? No, no, nothing. I mean, apparently you stream is down, but we're recording. We'll see what happens. But you streamed is down. What the fuck is wrong with them? I don't know. We'll look at it.

I'll look it up right now. They're going to get the shit together. But no, yeah, it's going on. Fuck, I'm fucked up. Let's do this before I get too fucked up. Again, we're brought to you by huluplus.com. Huluplus. If you go to huluplus.com slash Joey and it's lowercase Joey, not uppercase.

Lowercase. You get a two week free trial. And it's we were talking. You love Shark Tank. You love Law and Order SVU. But my wife is a Law and Order SVU. I'll tell you what I've discovered that was on to the other day for you old school motherfuckers that want to see some real suspense.

The Twilight Zone on there, 1959, the first couple of seasons. If you got a part, listen, you could sit there till you ask Rose Roots. You got two free weeks, right, Lee? Yeah, you got two free weeks. It's it's fucking awesome. It's two free weeks and it works on your phone. It works on your TV, works on your computer, works in your iPad. And after that, if you want it, it's only $7.99 a month.

I mean, it's you spend more than that on in a day on coffee. And let me tell you how we're going to do this. This is how we do. This is how we roll here, right? You go over there, you go to the box, go to my webpage, joeydears.net, correctly. Joey. Go to joeydears.net, go to the box, go to Hulu, push in Joey, lowercase, you get two free weeks.

Plain and simple. After that, if you want the service, what you're going to want, you get it for how much, Lee? $7.99. $7.99 a month, $7.99 a month, $7.99 a month. Stop sitting there. After the podcast, listen to the podcast, have a great time, smoke a fucking bazooka, do whatever you need to do, go to joeydears.net or go to where else can they go, Lee?

There's a link at joeydears.net and the easier way to do it is huluplus.com slash Joey, lowercase Joey. It takes you right there. You put in your email address, they have apps for iPhone, they have apps for Android. It's amazing. My wife is in fucking heaven, so get your shit together, huluplus.com slash Joey. That's right. And this is how it works.

See, because you work hard, you owe it to yourself, I ain't fucking around with your people. When I party, I party. When I get down, I get down. When it's time to write, I write, when it's time to spend time with the baby, whatever you do, you give it 150%. So you get up in the morning, you got to go to work, you have a nice breakfast, whatever, oatmeal, some cereal, some fucking fruit, something from the Doche Men, you go to work,

you spend the hard day, you come home, you want to work out, you go, you get some fuck, go to onit.com. See what they got available for you. They got to have fucking something that you do, whether it's a new mood, whether it's a strong bone to help you with your fucking pains and aches in the morning. You know what, I took three days off from work and I took strong bone, I'm ready to fucking rock. I've been on strong bone now for two weeks again, I tell you what, because the guy told

me that you just sort of take the glusamine and all that shit and mix it together for your joints, so I'm taking it to the fucking hoop and I suggest you do. You get home at night, you smoke a fucking number, a few bong hits, you eat a chicken breast, bang, Hulu plus bitches, you can't fucking lose, that's why I got, that's why they sponsored me, because I know it was two things that you could be fucking used before. I don't want to start getting sponsored by people, I can't fucking use the product. The reason why I went with Hulus, go, go to fucking Hulu, lowercase Joey, knock you the fucking cell phone, that's how we do it here.

Lisa, yeah, what's going on, you're getting high, so now you're tapping on on me, you got to pick up the energy son, you got to pick up the energy, we're going to eat another piece of chocolate, I'm going to burn both your eyelids with these fucking e-cigarettes, you're getting anxiety at the seat in your face, you're beautiful, you're losing weight, you got to lose 70 pounds, you're fucking juicing, I got to go back on, you know what, it wasn't that we ate bad this weekend because I was looking at what I ate, everything I ate this weekend I wrote down, yesterday I did go a little overboard at the fucking place, but again, I had the rice serving, I had the salad, I had the fried pork chunks, I had the fried

bananas, I had those appetizers, you know what, I walked Friday, I went to jiu-jitsu on Thursday, I walked four or five times a week with her at least two fucking miles a day with the baby. Oh really? Oh yeah, that's how I open up, when I go home now, there's no fucking rest for the weary, I got to go home and walk around in circles with her around the park, when I come home at 11 today, I'm going to write with my boys today, I'm getting this fucking special down, we're going to shoot a fucking special here, we're going to tape a CD first, and

then once the CD is out, then we start working, we got six months to work on the fucking special, the wait, that's going to be a live fucking taping, so we ain't fucking around, we're going into the busy season, we're going to put a documentary together, what are you putting that ear for, cocksucker, what's wrong with your ear? I'm getting nervous, I'm getting nervous, where's the music? I'm not getting nervous at all, I'm fucking stoned. Eat that piece of chocolate, let's get this part, go, fucking make me stab you, cocksucker. I'm not even here right now.

Oh shit, a little pink Floyd for you, you're not even here, then what the hell are you? I was trying to fix the Ustream, but it says it's recording, but it's... Who gives a fuck, fuck the Ustream, fuck them all, it's Monday, get up, get up, do a jumping jack, get some coffee, get a fucking oatmeal tree, I don't know, Lee, you're slipping on me, I'm not the fucking replacement, that's a cocksucker, this kid was right. That's fine. I can give you a little piece of chocolate, you're crying. A little piece of chocolate, you can probably give me 60 milligrams.

Hiddly. Here you go. What? The Isle and the... Hiddly. Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Are you kidding me? I forgot to mention it the other time, but I was just looking at you and it reminded

me. I don't know if it was the day we had the edible or not, but you forgot your keys and we came back in and we just started dying laughing because it's like a freaking Grateful Dead costume here. Oh my god, put fucking Pink Floyd on Grateful Dead. It stinks so bad a week. When you walk out of this room and you come back, it looks like a cheeky, chung fucking movie.

Hiddly. And then one day you'll find... It's the truth. Ten years have left behind. You're going to be 34 and you're going to still be saying, I didn't eat no black puss and pussy. I didn't sniff my nose in the rest. I just don't want them to asshole.

I've been with a black girl. You're eating asshole before the years end. I don't know. That's number one. I don't want you to asshole. They just lick it real slow like that. Thanks to Dingleberries. That's what I'm worried about.

Little Dingleberry ain't bad for nothing. It's like a blueberry but brown. We still got it here. The church of what's happening now, beautiful people. It's like a blueberry but brown. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? You should be a sex editor.

Did you read that fucking article by Michael Douglas that he got fucking cancer from eating pussy? Yeah. Yeah, he got throat cancer. But he also got him taking cancer from eating pussy. You know what? I know a couple guys that are going to get fucking pussy eating cancer. I'm one of them.

I fucking loved the young one. But that's the truth. I guess that's... I don't know. I don't know what of it for that. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? So Catherine's into Jones.

How fucking gave him cancer? Oh, she got that good cancer in her pussy. It's like Lance Armstrong had that good cancer and there's fucking nothing. He gave it off to Cheryl Crowe or vice versa. I think he gave it to her. I do like that too. Jesus. Don't be talking about fucking Cheryl Crowe, cocksucker.

Oh, you like her? Her and Dianne Sawyer? I like Cheryl Crowe. I like Cheryl Crowe. Cheryl Crowe's first three albums. Maybe the first four albums are pretty good. Oh, fuck that man. I love it.

You don't bring me anything but down? No one's gonna ever clap and fuck her up completely. Oh, really? Who gives a fuck about that shit? I have no idea. It's a beautiful weekend. Let me give some shout outs to some beautiful fucking people who support the church. I love you.

It's the death. Jefferson Humbaugh, Knights of Geekdom, Whiskey Jack, Jordan Larson, Eric Goff, Chris G, Jesse Jones. I love you. Diego Javier, Daniel Tarmacus and Ricky Delgado from Long Island stayed black. You know, I'm going to fucking Utah. Oh, yeah, for like one day, right? Wise guys downtown, I think, Utah.

Is it Salt Lake City? I think so. Salt Lake City. I'm going to fucking Kentucky to Lexington, June 20th. And then from there, I'm going to San Jose on the 26th. No fucking live podcast in June. But we're going to fucking Utah. I'm scared those moments are gonna get me.

What do you think they're gonna do to you? They're gonna tie me up. They're gonna convert you? And they're gonna tie me up and take me to fucking Brigham Young. Who the fuck knows what they're gonna do? You know what I'm saying? Jesus. Every fucking time.

But I'm looking forward to it. Do I feel more fucking Catholic today? No, I don't. No? I feel complete. I did a couple more things in my life that I didn't know I would do. And a lot of people bang me up for this, you know, for baptizing the baby in the Catholic stuff, only religion I know.

It's not like I apply myself 100% to Catholicism. You know, I practice a lot out of this shit, you know? Yeah. Throughout the fucking week in my heart. And that's the most important thing where you believe in my heart. I didn't want my baby to die and be floating around a fucking limbo. A bunch of other fucking momos up there floating around. So you got to baptize.

You got to do something. Most important, my wife was happy. Oh, yeah. Throughout this whole thing, you know, ever since my mother died in 1970, you know, I got to see you and tell you that I've been really happy at times. I've never fucking been happy. It doesn't take a genius to look at me and know that something wasn't right from the beginning, that maybe I was broken.

I'm serious at times. Yeah. You said it looks like food without salt is what you're saying? Yeah. It was the last six months. Just from seeing my wife being happy has made me happy because finally I got to make somebody really happy in my life. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I make people laugh. I go to a show, but they go back to their fucking lives. I look at my wife's face when she smiles now. Mm-hmm. She's that much happy. And my father thought, I know I was going to do that. No.

But I did it. And it's being done right now. And I got to continue to make her happy. Yeah. My wife was always a happy soul, but she was missing that fucking baby. She's a thousand times happier now. Yeah. She's a complete different fucking woman now.

And I'm excited for a couple of years because Mercy's your daughter. At the end of the ceremony, she loves her pacifier. And at the very end, she's like, the priest was like, all right, we're done. And she'll just spit at the fuck out of it. Popping and everyone died laughing. She doesn't like it when people aren't paying attention. So start making jokes and laughing at people. She's a funny kid.

No, she's a funny kid. Listen, man, I'm the podcast I promise in my mind I promise not to talk about it. Why? Because I don't want people to think I'm losing who the fuck I am. And I'll never lose who the fuck I am. It's the least of my problem. I pray to God that the real me would disappear when I became a dad. Really?

It's never going to go away. No, you're funny with it. You're like, every time I see, like all you see, all you say to her is, what's a mook? What's a dog? It's not like you're saying, like, hey, cutie. What's up, dog? What's the story? No, I talked to her.

I talked to her. You know, people talk to their fucking kids in this way that my mother never talked to me like that. My mother talked to me, you know, one thing. Writing a book has really reminded me of my childhood and seen my child. Seeing this little girl really reminded me of my childhood. And for years, I was like, hey, any other fucking kid. For years, I'm like any other man that's in his 40s or 35, you get beat that your parents

didn't do a great job. Maybe they got divorced, maybe something. There's always something in society. You know what? Every parent did a fucking great job. Well, at least they died fucking trying, man. They died trying for you. If you ended your 18-year reign at home and both your parents were home, maybe you were

divorced, your parents died fucking trying. You cannot judge them. You don't know what they were going through at the time. And I got to tell you some of my mother. She was as good enough mother as she could be. You know what I'm saying? For her, for her limitations, if you knew her background and what she was about. But that's what I've realized from writing.

That's why I tell people, fuck going to some fucking therapist and talking about somebody. Grab a fucking notebook and put down your life on it and start writing from day one. And they're going to be fucking pages where you're just going to sit there, put the pen down and go, gee. And don't worry about the spelling. Don't worry about the pronunciation. Don't worry about the fucking dots and the yours and the knots and this. Just write.

Just write. Just go over every five pages if you want to correct shit. Even if you want to do it on a computer or whatever the fucking micro or whatever the fuck it is. I don't even know what it is. Microsoft Word? Yeah. Microsoft Word.

Thank you for knowing that. I see Lisa starting to know me. I finish half semesters. You will learn so much about yourself when you write your life. You will learn so much about yourself. And then you'll notice yourself. You start breaking into chapters. So that means you're breaking your life into chapters, which is even cooler.

Oh yeah. Like you're going, holy shit. So from three to nine, it's just chapter, you know, like or sections as I should say. But you probably can. You have to have some separation from it. And that's because it's interesting hearing you say like every parent does the best job because you, I mean, you said, you've told us like you were angry, like not angry, but as a kid who loses their mom, you're going to be angry that she left it.

I mean, it wasn't her fault. But something I've learned is that just it's for bosses. It's for parents. Like when you're a kid, you think they have all the answers, but they're just a normal person that can make mistakes. So like they're not superheroes. We think they're fucking superheroes. They're the biggest thing in our lives.

Your parents are the biggest thing in your life. But after you start living your life, then they get watered down, but you start seeing them for what they are. And that's what gets scary. And let's say you're going to therapy to something else and they open up that can of worms and I end up hating your fucking parents. Like Tony Zafrano, you know, and nobody should fucking feel they tried fucking dying for you.

They really fucking did. You know, I get mad at my mother for different things, but I have to say, you know, I thought about yesterday at that fucking church. I might, about my father dying. That poor bastard died at 37. 37? 37. My real dad died at 30 fucking seven.

30 fucking seven. He would have been 80. I'm sitting there going, how old would my dad been today? He's 37 when he died. He died in 1966. That's fucking 34 years right there and another 13 to 34. Right? Yeah.

That's 45. It's 46 plus 37. It would have been 83. 83. Wow. He's a fucking, yeah. 37. He died.

That poor bastard. And here I am walking around. It's so weird. I was having coffee with James yesterday and I was telling James, honest, honest, honest shit. Like, I remember thinking the year 2000, I was going to be 37 and I was never going to make it. Yeah.

I always thought I was going to die at like 34 and then when I got to be 40, I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. It has to happen sometimes. Yeah. It's going to have to happen soon. Then 45 and it's like, now I have this desire to fucking live. Yeah. You know, now I have this desire, not even to live as much because I faced my own mortality

many times. I thought I was going to die. So now it's just, I'm happy I'm not going to die on a floor and somebody's going to pick me up. Yeah. I'm happy that you're not going to find me fucking dead in the whole town when we go to Florida because I did too much fucking blow the night before. That's a shit way to fucking go.

Yeah. And what do you think? Because I mean, I don't know if I don't think your mom found him, but I mean, you thought about how it sucked that your dad passed away. But you think about your mom as a mother. She had to deal with losing her husband in a shitty way and that must have changed her. I mean, you were probably too young to know the difference. Oh, no, no.

I know what fucked her up. Yeah. Fucked her up. Oh, really? Yeah. And she had to take him back. And she had to take him back to Cuba. So she went with him to Mexico and she had to face his family or a bunch of fucking cunts.

And then she had to come back here and do the hardest job in the world is be a mom and keep it together. Yeah. I was thinking about the other. I think about one thing I talked to parents about one of my biggest fears is walking my daughter and seeing a pit bull. I was at a farmer's market about three weeks ago and you and I both know I'm an animal lover.

Yeah. I love animals. I love any animal. I was at a farmer's market and some fucking jerk often has done tattooed fucking cunt girlfriend. Walk up there. You know, you know the ones tattooed all the way to the sleeves like she's his fucking his ink dummy or some shit, you know, have a fucking voice, you fucking moron and she comes walking with a pit bull loose, no leash.

You know, and I'm sitting right there and I'm watching this whole hand. I'm eating the babies in the crib. I'm by my car. I know I got a crowbar in the fucking car and I'll hit that dog in the head so fucking hard. And I'll hit Tarzan and that tattoo bitch out of there in the fucking head so fucking hard that they won't even see it coming. It's by five.

One of those five stores right there on co cofax, they have a a a a a a a a a a a a five five guys. No, it's something like a sports store, sports or five, whatever the fuck it is. Okay. I'm gonna get my pizza and go right in there with my wife to have like a little eight inch pizza. You know, I've been there with me on Sunday, next Sunday we'll go. You gotta be up at 1030.

Okay. You gotta be up at 10. We go at 1015. And there's kids this fuck you ever go to the farmers market? Yeah. I haven't been to this one. I went to one in Boston. I'm the fucking corner.

They have rides and they have a donkey that's retarded little babies ride the donkey and they have a little boy you wash your hands and they have a little thing with horses and you get on the fucking horse and they pull you around. It's for fucking kids. So here's, you know, olive oil with tattoos and a steroid boyfriend who you could tell is a fucking moron. You get it doesn't take a genius to tell this guy's a moron with this pit bull. So finally a parent goes up to him and he goes, listen, man, can you put your dog on

a leash? You feel uncomfortable. He goes, no, he's good around you. Listen, put the fucking dog on a leash. You're making fucking Pete 50 people uncomfortable here. Put the fucking dog on a leash and 99 even before I had a kid. I would feel uncomfortable with a pit bull with a lot of kids around. That's just an app.

That's just like, it's just like tempting for you. It's a tempting. Just take the fucking put the leash on the guy to like a fit, but eventually I put the leash on there. That's a security guard came up to me. It's so weird how even before I was a fucking parent, I felt bad when I see a fucking idiot like that with some tattoo chick, you know, with a fucking dog with no leash thing. Oh, well, he's good with kids.

We don't know that. Yeah, that's you. You're fucking kid. I mean, I think Bill Burr has a pit bull or one of those dogs and 99% of them probably are cool. But they are cool. I mean, why? Why?

Why fuck around? Why ruin a fucking Sunday because you want to bring, you know, tattoo and the dog around with it with no leash. I appreciate the dogs. I love those dogs more than anything, but you have to be responsible for the people around you sometimes. Yeah. Even though you don't fucking want it.

I love dogs. Yeah. But I know I don't want super bad around fucking people. He's crazy. Would you have? Do you think you would have noticed it or been upset by it before mercy came around? Oh fuck. I was always upset about it.

Okay. When I was shooting the Christmas movie, I'm up at the dog park in Encino. Yeah. And everybody's having a good time and this fucking idiot shows up with a fucking pit bull with no, with no leash. Oh shit. Yeah, that's my. What's up Tarzan?

What's up, beautiful? How are you? How are you, my friend? I'm fantastic. You've been up since fucking 5.30, cock, sucker, smoking dope and jujitsuing by yourself. Yeah, you know how we do it. I had to get up and get some coffee, get some jumping jacks in. You know me.

How you doing, Mike Maxwell? Tell me something good. Everything's beautiful, man. This weekend I've been working nonstop on this new project. Like a local bar tavern. There's this, been a sort of a bunch of like sort of hipster bars. I'm using the word hipster, just as like a defining term, but like, like young business owners are opening up bars and restaurants in San Diego.

And they're trying to make them sort of unique and, and different from all the other shit. So, and it's like one of the only industries that's really like doing stuff for local business. And so this, this company, they have me painting the front of a player piano. So I've been cranking out that shit all weekend. What's a player piano, Mike? Is it just like a normal piano you see in a bar and has like the top that folds up? Well, it's those ones that, that play by themselves. So it's like old saloon style.

So I'm doing these like turn of the century portraits on the sliding doors that would only cover the wheel that spins to play the piano. And for people who don't know, you did the cover art for the podcast. Yeah, that's right. Cover art for the podcast cover art for Joe's podcast cover art. My Charles Bronson picture on my fucking wall. Mike Maxwell has been around the corner, Doug. This guy's like a, like a real hoe.

He's got, he's a hoe with good pussy and shit. Well, that's, that's what, you know, this project too. It's like, that's the thing for, for artists like me who maybe are not like the most popular in the gallery scene or like, you know, hip in the like street art scene or whatever. There's little jobs that you got to pick up along the way to, to be able to make ends meet. Now, one of those types of things. How did you get, because you've been doing stuff. You did a, like a Joe, one of Rogan's and Joey's Chicago shows.

People always ask me how I got set up with Joey. How did you start doing stuff for Desquad? Well, um, my sister has worked at the comedy store in La Jolla for shit, a long ass time. And so. How long? Fuck. I was trying to think at least six years. I don't know your sister.

What's that? Do I know your sister? Yeah, I think, I'm pretty sure you do. Oh, I don't even know that. Yeah. She, um, she, yeah, she's been at the store. I think she, she's been at the store since right about when Rogan and you guys stopped going to the Hollywood store. I think the last show that Rogan did in La Jolla, I think she was working there.

Like that may have been her first year. So she's good friends with all those guys that come down, you know, a few times a year. And actually what, how I got hooked up was through Ari. Rogan was playing the House of Blues, I think in downtown San Diego and the show was sold out. And so I hit my sister up and was like, Hey, if you can give me a ticket, it'd be awesome. I want to go see the show. And so Ari came through like last minute with like some balcony seats or something. When he came back around to La Jolla to do a set, I made a poster for him as a thank you just for getting me the tickets to the show last minute, you know, sold out show like he went out of his way.

And so I wanted to repay him. So I did a just like a little flyer, like an eight by 10. It was a portrait of him, Freddie Lockhart and Tony Hinchcliffe. And then I think after that, I think Joe saw that and then hit me up about doing those posters for Chicago and Atlanta. But I know I had, I had done, you had done the Charles Bronson by then already also. Yeah, see, well, you know, I had started listening to your show when you were doing Beauty and the Beast. Right. And I think, you know, I heard you guys, I was listening to the Ustream earlier and you were talking about your mom quite a bit.

And like I tell this story like at the time I started listening to Beauty and the Beast. My stepfather was dying from colon cancer. And you know, it had spread throughout his body. And you had told a story about your mom, you know, like you do all the time, right? But there was a few shows that were like really intimate and like personal at that time. And going like watching somebody die from cancer, like hearing some of your stories kind of like it helped me get through some of that shit. You know, and from someone who had like most of my life, like facing death has been like a big fear. Like I never went to any funerals.

Like I always avoided the fear of death. And so you were telling these stories and at one, at some point you told a story about how your mom used to paint the quarters red. Right. In the pool hall. For the jukebox. For the jukebox. And literally that the day that you had told a story that had just made me feel a little bit better, you know, like took some of the like the pressure off. You know, like when you hear you hear somebody else who's going through or has gone through something that you're going through, like it alleviates some of that that pain and agony or whatever.

And so I like that night I went to the taco shop or whatever. And when I got my change back, one of the quarters that I got was painted red. And you email me the picture. Yeah. And it was from, you know, like mid 70s. And you know, like in all reality, it's probably coincidence. But just the fact that in, you know, like I'm not, I'm not a religious person, you know, like I, I, most things I, I chalk up to coincidence or chance. But like just the, the steps that it went through, like the process that I was going through into hearing the story, like feeling better.

And then when I got just a quarter with, there was painted red, like it made me feel even better. So like at some point you came down and did a show in OB, I think was, or no, no, no, in Pacific Beach. And we got to meet up after that. That's right. Yeah. That's amazing. And then you got into jiu-jitsu. Yeah.

And listening to Joe's show, like that was a big thing getting into jiu-jitsu. But I do my own podcast. It's called the Liv Free Podcast. And I had a guy on, an artist friend of mine. My show is based on, on visual arts mostly. And he had been doing jiu-jitsu. He was already a purple belt. And at one point he was like, yeah, you should come try it.

And I said that I wanted to do it. And since I said that I wanted to do it on the air and like recorded it and put it out there, I felt like I just, I had to go do it. So eventually I got into that. I've been doing that for a couple of years now. And how'd you get into art? I mean, you always know when you're artistic, what day did you know that you wanted to make a living from doing this? Well, you know, it was, it took a while to realize that I could make a living, right? Like, I never really saw the business of art until like, until I got into my 20s, I guess, like early 20s.

But I've been making shit since, as far as I can remember, like most people, you know, like as a kid, everybody's drawing and making shit. But I think at some point I saw that I got recognition for it, you know, maybe like some sort of attention, like that I was a little bit better than the other kids or some shit. And from then I knew that it was something that I wanted to do forever. But I got that like sort of addictive personality too, you know, so like when I find things that I like, I want to do them to the degree, you know? So Mike, I mean, just listening, it seems like there's a lot of parallels between like art and like, well, like the kind of art you do and like stand up comedy. Like it feels like it's probably not the easiest thing. You probably don't make a lot of money at the beginning. Like, what is it like to start out as an artist? Well, it's tough. And like I said, like doing this like player piano and painting the front of this thing, like this is what I'm doing to make some extra dough to pay the bills.

But it's fucking hard as fuck. Like, but it's a it's a labor of love, really. Like, somehow, you know, I've been thinking about this a lot. Like I talk about this, like how much easier it would be sometimes just to go work a nine to five and get a paycheck and not like not worry about it. But every time I think about that, it just sounds like death to me and that there's no way that I could ever go about doing that. Starting out like I was lucky. At a high school, I linked up with Shepard Ferry, who the obey giant guy, the guy does all the Andre the giant heads all over the place and he did the Obama poster in 2012. And so like I became his assistant almost like sort of right out of high school. I guess I was 19 or 20.

And was he big by then or how like where was he? Because I know when he said the name, I knew exactly who you were talking about. But how big was he then? Not nearly as well known as he is now. But I mean, he had already garnished a lot of like underground art fame or even like some mainstream art galleries were selling his stuff. And I mean, he was already, you know, he was in his early 30s, but was already pretty much locked into what he was doing. Like he ran a design firm out of San Diego that also housed all the obey stuff that he does. And so like I was, you know, painting some of his paintings that went out. I was, you know, shipping all the posters and stickers and like all the big posters that went up like in the late 90s to like 2000 era, like 98 to 2000.

Like I did all like blew up all those. I had to go to Kinkos. Kinkos, I used to have so many scams at Kinkos. And I think, you know, like there would be the girls that worked there that I'd flirt with to try to get free like blown up posters. And like I'd bring skateboards and stickers for like the dudes that worked there and would would walk out with, you know, like $500 worth of blown up posters for 30 cents or something. So, you know, that was sort of my start and I got to kind of figure out how the art world worked in that sense, like from, from that perspective. And I think without having had that opportunity, maybe it would have been a lot harder to break through, I think, but it's still, you know, I've, I've been doing this for almost 15 years and it still feels like a struggle, you know. It's amazing when you wake up one morning, like throughout the 20 years that I was doing comedy, there's been every six months I think about going and getting a fucking day job.

Like especially after like I shoot a big movie or something. Like I go fuck it. That's it. You know, I did what I needed to do. And you really want to be a regular person. There's a part of you that just says I just want to be a regular person, have insurance. But the other party is like, fuck you. Fuck you.

I'm never going back to that shit. You know, it takes a certain belief in yourself. It's like this, this little fine line that one day. And listen, man, I know that there's some months that you eat dick, Mike Maxwell. Yeah, for sure. You eat dick. There's some months that it's a $400 fucking month and you're lucky you got that. There was a check in the mail that you forgot about that came.

That came. That was taxes from two years ago for 320 and you fucking good for three days. But there's some months that and at the end of the day, you know what, even the bad months, you know, it's a good month because you didn't take shit from somebody. Those moments pop up when you most need them. Like when you're at the most down and out and you're just like throwing in the towel and just saying fuck it. All of a sudden something pops up and gets your get your mood right or, you know, gets you, you know, irking to do something new again.

Like there's definitely ebbs and flows or peaks and valleys for sure. You know, it's a fine line. And nobody really knows this, but there's a very fun because I've lived both lives is a very fine line between a hustler slash artist. It really makes you want to think there's a very fine line between a criminal and an artist. It really, really, really makes you want to think about what the fuck. When I made the transition from fever, read the comedy, there was a couple of months even that, you know, you know, when I sold the coke for a couple of years in between, you got to do whatever the fuck pops up. You know, sometimes you might have to sell a quarter pound to an agent.

There was a couple of fucking months. I had theatrical agents that say, listen, dog, my roommate wants to buy weed. You know, can you get me weed? And I get them a quarter pound, but I make $200 or something. I laugh at those times now, but there's a very fucking fine line. And when people just take life in their own hands, I give them an extra sort of respect. You know what I'm saying? Like Mike Maxwell, when people like you, you live your life by and you do and you do jujitsu and you got a car payment and you make it fucking happen.

Sometimes I don't know how it works, but oh my God, we never do. But I've been thinking over the last couple of weeks, I've really been focused on the idea of just letting life live itself. Like not there's this idea that you have to like control every single moment and decide what's going to happen. And you know, if those things that you decide are supposed to happen in the future don't happen, you feel all shitty. I keep thinking and I've been thinking about this with making art too. Like do I make art that I think I could sell or do I just make what I want to make at all times and just hope for the best? Like don't try to figure out the tricks so much as just put in the fucking work and what happens happens and try to let it happen. It's easier to say now right at this moment, but it's something I've been working with.

It's amazing how many people try to use trickery with their art and it's not really art when you use trickery. What do you mean trickery? Trickery. Art's supposed to be honest and also at the same time dangerous, but you're not supposed to be trickery. Like you know when somebody's an artist and they still have that scam in them, it bothers me right off the back because I'm coming at you as an artist. I'm not coming at you as a thief. Yeah, it's like something kitschy or you know, it's almost like marketing. Couple weeks ago I did that podcast with those fucking cunts and the next morning when they published the podcast, they were round tripping people, you know, making people, hey, can you retweet this for me?

And I hit them up and I said, stop doing that. It's low class. But the next day I'm doing the podcast and they're hitting up people that are fucking really famous saying, hey, Joey Diaz did our podcast. Why don't you do our podcast? That's trickery. Yeah. That's trickery. You following me?

Yeah. And whenever somebody has a podcast and they have like, you ever see those black people that dance on Facebook? Some people advertise with them. And this is Lisa Yats suck my dick and I'll have like four girls and each car will have Lisa Yats suck my dick, something like that. Like, all right. So you got me to look at your podcast and listen to it one time. But you didn't work from strength. You didn't work from the strength of your podcast, which is just make the podcast funny or be entertaining.

You know, and that's the same thing with art. Some people, I understand what you're saying, Mike Max, because it's the same thing with jokes. Go ahead, buddy. Chris Brown, the rapper. Yeah. He came out last year or the year before trying to like front as a as like a street artist, like doing graffiti and like painting shit, like trying to get into like the fine art game. And it was clear to I think most people that it was it was trickery, you know, just like the the the only reason that anybody would pay attention to something like that is because it's Chris Brown doing something. You know, so like using those angles to sort of jump ahead of the line.

Whereas, and you know, like how that's the funny thing about art, too, is that there really is no fucking rules. You could do whatever the fuck you want. And maybe you might make it and maybe you might not, too. So like, I don't like to shit on anybody going for it or whatever, but like just in terms of a certain way to go for it. I keep thinking about the word networking, like people who never I hate it. People it's because you kind of need like it's all people, you know, out here, but people who tell me they go to networking events. I'm like, I can never like my mom is a lawyer and she grew up and she she wants me to network and meet people. I'm like, I'm not going to meet somebody for lunch so we can talk for an hour.

It sounds gross. So every time when you're talking about that, all I could think about was networking. You want to know? It has to happen naturally. You know what trickery is trickery is all these fake fucking hip cons they're doing now. They do these fake hemp cons every other weekend now. Yeah, like there's one up here this weekend. That's trickery.

They got a bunch of fucking idiots that read high times to show up and smoke the same weed you get for $10 a gram and fucking Tarzana. You know, that's trickery to me. All that shit is always like it amazes me how people fall for that shit. Going back to some of you mentioned and this is great that we're doing this. I like when you call Mike Maxwell. Chris Brown is the biggest piece of shit that ever walked the fucking planet. And if you think OJ got it bad in the karma sense, wait till you see what Chris Brown got coming from. Not for beating up Rian.

That's the least of this fucking problem. Really? Yeah. Just for being a dirty, he's just a dirty dude. It's like we have no idea what Michael Jackson was till 10 years from now when you got a hold of Justin Bieber, who Justin Bieber is going to become. I think it's going to be. Oh, Justin Bieber is going to make Michael Jackson look like a fucking daycare center. Really?

Oh, and you're going to see a little cunt coming at you in full fuck. He's never going to grow up. He's going to still always be 20 when he's 30 and when he's 40. Why would you? I mean, if you had fucking 100 million dollars. Watch, watch, watch, watch how fast that ship's going to fucking crash hard. Wow. He'll crash one of those cars in the 101.

What's going on with you little brother? Tell me something good, Mike Maxwell. What's the next move? Um, shit. Uh, you know, just like I said, staying alive, like living one day at a time. I'm, uh, I mean, I've been, I've been focused a bunch on t-shirt design and doing like my own line of t-shirts, which has been really speaking of like trying to make ends meet. Like that's been an easier way. It seems to sell artwork is in t-shirt fashion.

Just easier to make a paycheck at the end of the week. Um, selling work that can be is utilitarian. You know? Yeah. There's a lot of people my age who like that sort of stuff. Like there was the documentary exit through the gift shop. So people like art. I thought I was going to be in that.

You were going to be in that? Well, yeah. Cause when the, when that was being filmed, I had mentioned going to Kinkos and jacking them when the timeframe that that was filmed in. I was working for Shepard and like people would come in and film all the time and actually took a guy with a camera up to Kinkos. Like these scans at Kinkos, do you remember, Lee, you might be too young. How old are you, Lee? 24. Yeah.

So Kinkos used to have these keys that you would stick into the photo copiers. Right. Do you remember these, Joe? Yes. And you can, and you can make copies and then you give it to the people and say how many copies you made. Yes, exactly. And you would say three of them were mistakes. Well, get this.

So what we would do is you would set the key on the counter of, of the machine or whatever. And if you just slid it off and let it fall and hit the ground, all the numbers would roll over in the counter. So the counter would say something like 350,000, you know, it would roll all the way over like an insane number of copies. You bring it up and be like, Hey, this key went all wonky. I got five copies. Meanwhile, you got 500 copies and stuffed them in the bag that's under the machine. That's hysterical. But it's so like shit like that.

But I thought when, when that movie came out, I was waiting to see, like there's a scene with Shepard in Kinkos in LA, like the one time he's, you know, in that timeframe that he was making posters on his own. Yeah, that's great. But what I was thinking is like, I like art too, but I can't afford two, three, I don't know how much, I don't even know how much art costs. Yeah, it's expensive. But if you could buy a $20 t-shirt from that artist, like it must be a cool way to like to have art, but not have to. It's a good way to look at that. I never thought about it that way. Well, that's a, I was talking to my girl yesterday, like there's no way for anybody to know without doing it, the amount of work that it takes to make the art, you know.

And also like, I went to the art store the other day and got one little like three ounce tube of paint and a can of varnish and spent like 25 bucks. You know, so like all the costs build up. And then not only that, but for people that don't know, like if you go to a gallery and you see like really high prices in a gallery, you should know that the gallery is also taking 50% of that cut. They take 50%? 50%. It's like iTunes. Yeah. Or, you know.

Hey man, people have to make a fucking living. And what are you going to do sometimes? What are you going to fucking do? You get pissed. We get pissed. You get pissed. Don't you, Mike Maxwell? You get pissed.

I feel like you're getting robbed. But at the end of the week, you're like, you know what, they got to eat too. Yeah, exactly. They're, you know, they're putting, they're gambling too. This is, it's weird. The art world is a gamble. And that's what I think sort of part of the allure for me too, you know, like the risk involved. Like, you know, because you could, there's no net, you know, people who work a regular job just being a regular person, you have that every two weeks, you get a check.

And, you know, you know, there's at least some minor level of security. Like every day I wake up and thinking, okay, how am I going to bring in a few dollars today? And it is a hustle. Like you mentioned the fine line between being a criminal or a hustler even and making art. Like now, in this day and age, because of modern technology, I'm the art producer, the maker, and the art dealer to a certain extent now. Because I'm making more money selling it on my own. It's not as high level, but I'm forced into all those positions. But, you know, like, that's the thing with creative people is they're always kind of hands on and want to take care of everything on their own anyway.

Right? Like, you let somebody else do shit and it's not going to come out the way you want it. You know, man, you give me the impression of a guy at times we've hung out that you like to take control of what you have in front of you. And if you fucking don't, you're foolish. The people who don't are the people that show up on Google ten years later. My brother-in-law robbed me for 80 million. You never thought of fucking looking at the bank records? You never thought of looking at this fucking paperwork?

You never thought of looking to see what you're selling or what you're not selling? Do you have an idea? I mean, it just, it's always baffled me about people that they either get too big for their britches. And I think you never get too big. When you start getting too big for your britches, that's when you slow it down. You go, all right, I'm losing control of what I got. Yeah. I gotta keep my eyes on this.

Part of me wants that, though. Not the losing control, but that idea that you could like dictate, you know, responsibilities of your own onto other people. So I think that's a lazy mentality, I guess. But it seems like, it seems like it'd be nice. Man, you gotta take care of your own shit. And it's very rough how there's people that could cover 50% of it. Listen, I can't get people, you know, there's comics who are very good promoters. But they're horrible comedians.

They just know how to get people down there. Even if it's a free ticket, a $3 ticket, then the other way it goes is people who are great comics who don't know anything about that shit. Now, you have to be good on Twitter and Facebook. You have to. You have to. You know, you have to do all these things. And I guess it applies.

I mean, listen, there's a thousand things you could do now to help you sell your art. Imagine 20 years ago with no internet? Yeah, I do. I lived it. And you know, I feel kind of like, I feel like I benefited from that. It was a very short timeframe, man. Because I mean, when I started making art, the internet was going and it was being used. But it wasn't anywhere near the level that we see today.

Like the exposure was nowhere near that level. So like, you had to go to shows. You had to, you had to, you know, like network for a lack of better word. But really you had to do it naturally. You had to go and make friends. You had to meet these people at the galleries. And you weren't seeing stuff for like months afterwards when it happened. Now everything is instant.

It's changed the game completely. Which, I mean, I guess it's both for the good and there's some negative to it, I guess. How's that edible, Lee? He didn't finish the second part of it, so it ain't that funny. I'm glad I didn't have it. You see what I'm dealing with? You see what I'm dealing with? I gave him fucking 30 milligrams and look at him.

He's sitting there like a fucking Jew without his pennies. He's all fucked up. Fuck you. All fucked up. And I'm going to tell you something, Mike Maxwell. And because of you now, I'm one of the jujitsu. Am I rolling? I could roll for about a minute and a half before I have a heart attack.

Well, hey, listen, like we had a guy come into class recently into the beginner's class and he was trying out a week at the gym or whatever. Took all the classes, the Muay Thai, kickboxing, jujitsu and like cardio work or whatever. He said that none of those classes were anywhere near the amount of cardio or energy it took to do like two minutes of rolling. And this is a young guy like in his early 20s. He was in shape. He was puking. So it, you know, it's a crazy sport. And for people who are creative, I recommend it to artists all the time.

Like it's just as much about the mind as it is about the body. And you kind of forget about the body to a certain extent, except for feeling like your lungs are going to burn apart and your heart's going to explode out of your chest. But other than that, you kind of, a lot of it plays out in the mind. It's an interesting game. Have you cut down on the smoking since you joined jujitsu? No. No. Should you?

That's funny. With all the edible talk today, I have such a strange metabolism that edibles won't do shit for me. You know, there's some edibles that don't do dick for me and there's some edibles that put me through the fucking roof. It's just doing them. You should try some of the shit I eat because I'm sure this will get you a little bit. Look at fucking poor Lee. Look at him. His yamaka's spinning.

It's invisible today. We had one 420, one of the dispensaries that I'd go to, they would have like a free day, like a free giveaway day on 420. You know, you get an edible and a pre-roll or something. And the dude who owned the shop, his mom made these lemon bars that were probably the only edible that's really fucked with me at all in a long time. I was stumbling around like, you know, when you go to take a step and you kind of miss the ground and your foot just goes back behind you, you just totally miss the ground like I was doing that sort of shit. And you know, when we were in Atlanta, when we came back from Atlanta, I ate a bunch of hash that somebody had given Duncan at the show. Not that fucking mushroom hash. That fucked me up.

Oh, somebody gave me that mushroom in Atlanta. Somebody gave us the chocolate bar that had THC in it and the mushrooms. Remember the fucking dirty kid? He lived on a bus for two days. Even the chocolate bar was dirty. I didn't give a fuck. He had mushrooms in there and THC. I think next time I get some, you know, like some real hash, I want to eat it again.

Because that seemed to do, like I was fucked the whole plane ride. Oh no, the hash, she fucks you up. The hash, that's what Bruce Lee was eating. That's the shit that'll take you back. Yeah, I think it's better than sometimes when people make the butter or whatever. When you're feeling your body, when you eat the hash, you really feel the difference in your body. You really feel like you only have a head. That's it, just picture yourself if you only had a head.

And you're sitting on a plane and you're watching some shitty movie. You know, all you feel is your head. You're blinking, you can hear, so you know you got ears. That name was funny as fuck. Do you remember how freaked out Rogan was? Because you and I roached those two numbers out front of the hotel. Oh fuck yeah. We reeked so bad getting into truck Rogan fucking freaked.

Oh my god. He was paranoid man. And then I went, you guys took off on one of the other routes to get on your plane and I was getting on another plane. So when I went through security, there was these two like super sweet black chicks at the security check-in. And you know, I was roached. I'd eaten that hash and we smoked two big numbers before we even left to go to the airport. And they looked up at me, looked at each other and like smirked and just gave me like the little head nod to go ahead and go past. Like didn't give me no bullshit and fucking, it was great.

I mean once in a while we hit the fucking jackpot. When am I going to see you again cocksucker? Um, I got to, you know, I want to get up to LA for one of the live podcasts. How those been going? Two or three of them? Yeah, you know what Mike, we're onto something. We're onto something. They're pretty fucking cool. Yeah, it's weird to see like, I've been thinking about this a lot like watching the sort of like the rubber band catch back up to itself.

Like the, or the boomerang sort of coming back around like people catch on like as to what's going on with podcasts and, you know, people being honest in a different type of media that's getting out there for people. I think we're watching it sort of collect the, the magnet collecting the dust on the way back or whatever. It's a late night talk show on steroids. Yeah. That's listen, you could do so much with late night. You could do so much, you know, I can bring a band up there. The beauty about the podcast is the honesty and the laughter and the non rehearsal and that's the beauty of the podcast. When I get on stage and I talk to those people for eight minutes, I don't have a writer, I don't have writers sitting around writing for me. It's whatever I thought of on the drive up.

Then I introduce Lee, we do 10 minutes and I introduce my guest, a double guest, and it goes, you know, Josh Wolf was talking about coming in some chicks fucking here. And Idaho, 10, 15, 20 years ago, we were kids, you know, just the honesty levelism and that's what the podcast is about. I know when I listen to a podcast, Mike, within the first four minutes, if I'm going to shut it off, just by if the guy's trying to be a radio DJ, what he says, what he doesn't say. I know this, this success, all the really good podcasts is the blunt of the fucking honesty, including yours, you know. And that's, you know, that's what brings everybody in. And there's like a, what's great about honesty is that it takes away the fear. Like what I was talking about, like the fear of death or like the agony around it, like hearing people talk about things open and honestly alleviates that for the listeners and especially for the people. Like it's like all the artists that have had on the show, on my show, it feels like almost like a therapy session for them.

Like they get done and they're like, wow, thanks for giving me that opportunity. Even though like the artists that I have on the show are probably way more well known than I am. And they're actually doing something for me in terms of bringing in viewers or listeners or whatever. But like it feels like there's an exchange that takes place that is beneficial not only for the listeners, but the people involved too. How many podcasts do you do a week for your own? What's the name of your show again? The Live Free Podcast. Live Free, how many episodes do you post a week? I've done 102 episodes over a few years, over two and a half years or something.

So I don't really have any rules on it. I just do it when I do it. The artists are painted like wrangling cats trying to fucking get them to sit down for an hour and talk. So it's, I try to do one or two a week. Sometimes I take a couple of weeks off. Mike Maxwell's. You know, I love you. It's always a pleasure, cocksucker. Yeah, brother, I love you too. And we'll talk about the podcast. Yeah, that's what brought the idea.

He says you were a sweetheart to him since myself. You know, I smoke too much dope. Or is Mike Maxwell been on a podcast or was he on beauty or whatever? But we got you. That's all that matters, brother. You're starting a week off on the right fucking foot, cocksucker. Yeah, no doubt. I love you.

All right, love you too, brother. Thank you very much, man. You too, brother. Stay black and beautiful always. All right, later. I have two things to say and then you can go because I'm almost out of this world right now. But I like Mike. He's cool. He's doing something for me.

I wrote him a few weeks ago. And when I hit the halfway mark of my weight loss, I said, I want something to remind me. Like just, I wrote him an email. I said, just something. How about eat another piece of chocolate to remind you? Fuck you with that. I can't really talk. Two seconds.

And that'll be the reminder. But he's going to do something like cool, like 150 and I can hang it up in my house. And then the other thing I want you to talk about is you, you guys were talking about like believing in yourself and quitting your job. And that's something I'm going through right now. Like it's, I'm kind of on the edge of it. And you know, you told me like three weeks ago that I'm sick of working and I am. I could tell.

I could tell. I know your attitude. It makes me this week. You're trying to get other jobs because you think the next one's going to be better. And they just want to get worse because you don't want to do it anymore. Yeah. Come to an conclusion. Now we got to find you two or three other hustles for you to really keep it together.

And darling, I don't put nobody down. I don't put nobody down for wanting to keep that job and not wanting to give their dream a tough thing. And I fucking blame you. You're going, Joey, how could I do that? I got a fan. Listen, I'm fucking with you a hundred percent. Sometimes I worried it wrong.

I should not. But give it a try. Yeah. Put some money away. You know, if you want to live your dream or do it part time, you got to do it. You got to do it to begin. You just can't fuck around and read the fine print. You got to do it.

And once you do it, I tell you what? You're going to feel so much better about yourself and you're going to go for it. You go for it more. You sharpen your life more. You know what? I was always a sharp guy the last couple of years. I've been sharp. This baby makes me sharper because now instead of having to do it in 10 hours, I got to make

it happen in five. Yeah. Okay. But I wouldn't have known unless you test yourself. Test yourself. Don't ever be ashamed or afraid of testing yourself. It's better than not testing yourself. You'll know when it's time to quit.

You'll know. I can tell you you got a job and you're waiting there. You'll start in a month, you know, because you're just, that's the way I was right. The last job I had before this, I really had a job that was a career job that I could make a hundred grand a year. Yeah. Excuse me. We're selling cars.

Yeah. So in the back of my mind, I had started to make money selling cars. I knew if I ever got in trouble, I could make six or $7,000 in a month. If I ever got in trouble, I was that good that I could go in there and sell all, all selling cars is without stealing is talking to people. It's belly to belly sales. Yeah. But I didn't want to do it.

And I just kept getting more jobs. I just kept going, fuck this. And I go to a Nissan store and go, listen, you have no specs. You're not selling to no Latins. Let me come in here and let me get 20 Latins a month. That's 20 car sales a month. Okay. What do you need to start?

I need $600 and a fucking, and a car. And for a month, I would take that $600 pay rent and take a hundred out for blow. And for a month, I would live in their car and I would try to hustle, hustle, hustle more until I found another car dealer that would hire me for another month. Yeah. And I would go in there for the least time I would. And here I would borrow that fucking car, but I was still shoplifting at the local Macy's. In their car?

In their car. I was going into stores and doing returns and shit. Just when you're ready to quit your job, you'll fucking know. You just can't put people that love you in a lurch. Yeah. And you go to your mother and go, mom, I'm not paying rent no more because I want to live my dreams. It don't fucking work that way.

Yeah. That's the one thing I'm worried about. Yeah. You got to pay your bills. So that's why you take your nuts and you maintain them and you say, what number do I need every month to fucking make it happen? You write that number down on January 1st, write it down, break it into four. Say, if I need 2000 a month, I need 500 a week.

What do I need to make 500 a fucking week? And you know what? So much you're going to make 350. But I guarantee you two weeks later, if you do the work, you'll make 700 and you'll make up for that 350. Like I said, cock suckers, you want to start getting healthy. You want to be on the ball with the right people, whether it's kettlebells, ropes, fucking tapes, DVDs on how to kettlebell.

Go to Onnet.com. Onnet.com got everything for you. Not to mention, we got them on the fucking out the front door with your supplements. You know what? I don't go a day without that fucking strong bone. No, I can't take the chance. I got to walk two miles. My feet can't be sore, and my knees can't be sore.

I take two walks around that North Hollywood Park, plus the walk there and the walk back, plus the walk in the Lancashire, with my daughter pushing a fucking crib. So if I do that four or five times a week and I have to do it, whether it takes the airdrop, like today it's kind of cloudy. Beautiful day for a fucking walk. My wife will talk me out of it. But besides the walk and all that shit, I go to Onnet. Take the strong bone.

This morning, I was an alert protein powder. I had milkshakes, some ice cubes, a little almond fucking milk. Bam! I'm ready. Did you smell any farts today? No. My asshole's clean. The Onnet protein is clean.

That damn protein. Okay? Last night, I went to bed at 7.30. I didn't need the fucking new mood. But if I wanted to be and relax, I would have taken the fucking new mood. So go to Onnet.com, get whatever you need. They have mix and matches. You know, even if you get the green fucking whatever, the pulp, whatever they got there,

you mix it. Delicious. Now, trust me, get the fucking strong bone if you're a fat fuck. Give it a shot. Start by walking one mile, then you walk two miles. Next thing you know, you're running like fucking Jean-Claude Ben-Hilly on the electrical machine, whatever the fuck it is. And that's it.

That's how we roll. Friday the 14th, I'm at Utah Wise Guys. Go to wiseguys.com, Utah Comedy, whatever the fuck it is. The 20th of June, I'm in Lexington, Kentucky, right in the Bible Belt, slinging dick and fucking up crucifixes. I'm on the 26th of June. I'm up in San Jose with my brothers and sisters smoking big dope with my man, Lisa. I'll be around all fucking weekend rocking the house.

And that's how we do it here. Like I told you once, I told you a million fucking times, it's Monday. Grab your balls, sniff your fingers, see what a fuck God put you on this motherfucker. Go out there and stab a motherfucker in the neck and take what's coming to you, cock sucker. Do you want to eat another piece of chocolate? I'm so glad. Let me see the size of it. Let me see how big it is.

Lee, eat that. I could know fuck you. But I had half of it. You didn't even eat the fucking size. You saw what I did. You saw it. I'm so fucked up right now. You're getting so bad.

Eat that. We can't turn it off. Eat half of it. Eat half of it. Eat that. I'll eat the other half. Come here. Come here.

Give it to Uncle Joe. Come here. All right. Bring it to Uncle Joe. We'll split it. I'm not splitting. Come here. You're so fucked up.

You're so fucked up. I'm gonna throw it at you. How are you gonna throw it at me? What's the matter with you? You didn't do any jumping jacks. Let me see you do a couple of jumping jacks while you do ten jumping jacks real quick. All right. You're a couple jumping jacks.

Let me switch the camera. I feel like, I don't like, I feel like... You feel like what? You feel like what? Like, you know how you're supposed to feel after a massage where you're all warm and... Yeah. That's what I do. I bring you nothing but warmth and look how you treat me.

You miserable cop. Stop that. God, I'm so fucked up. God, I'm a real couple jumping jacks. He. Ho. He. Ho.

He. Ho. He. Ho. Fuck you. What is your jumping jacks? You were making fun of me in front of your agent and you said you two jumping jacks. You're not doing shit.

You're too fucked up. I want to see you do some. Tico. Fuck you. Bitch. Anyway, we got a great week. Don't forget to listen to the live podcast with Josh Wolff and Dr. Frankfurt. We had some great podcasts last week.

Don't forget to get your shit together. It's the most important thing. I love you motherfuckers. Go to joeydears.net and check out the tour dates. We're coming to your town this week. Michigan. Fucking. Everything.

I'm coming. Everything. Give me some music, Lee. All right. Before we do the music, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Lee, Lee, Lee. What?

Why are you reading the fucking thing? Be more natural. Well, because I'll be natural, but they won't... Shit. You have to say this. Just think about your music. Fucking jerk. All right.

Stop from the top. Say, listen. A couple months ago, I was home watching TV. There was none on TV. I went to huluplus.com and there was all the shows I was looking to fucking get. Whether it's on my phone, whether it's on my television, on my computer. I was able to see shows I haven't seen in fucking years. Shows like the Twilight Zone.

Shows like Community. Shows like Law and Order SVU. Shows like... Shark Tank. Shark Tank. There you go. Keep going. Fucking asshole.

Start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to joeeds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial. Or go to huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, click the Hulu Plus banner on joeeds.net or go to huluplus.com slash Joey. We have Amazon. There we have a bunch of stuff. And I do love Hulu Plus. It's fun to be like the Jew who's trying to get the money.

But I've loved Hulu Plus. No, my wife loves it. She says no bad complaints about she loves it. Go to Hulu Plus. Put in Joey. Lower tag. Get two weeks for free. Two weeks for free.

Two fuck 14 days. You know how many things you can watch a day? I'll tell you what, it's so good. I thought you'd be begging to give the Hulu people 7.90 fucking five a month. Oh shit. Have a great day. Stay black. God bless you.

Do whatever the fuck it is that you do to be happy. Just fucking do some dumbings actually. Fuck you. Just tap that at three. Yeah, because you're fucking fighting that other piece. I wouldn't quit you. Oh shit. Do you have a helicopter to pick you up?

The fact that you don't leave now. Long time ago. What? Fuck off. I gotta fucking get the car. My police picking me up. We're going to practice. Jesus.

We can get dealing. Have a good day. Stay black and beautiful. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now. Tell your friends. Subscribe. That's the most important thing. We're going to get some numbers bitches.

To my second life.