Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/05/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #86

Episode Date: June 6, 2013

Joey's yoga instructor Madisson calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Vist visit huluplus.com/joey for a 2 week free trial. Streamed live on 06/05/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now, our listeners can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Lowercase, bitches! Oh shit. Oh shit. It's that time. Oh shit. Break out the heroin, rub your feet, take the toe jam, and throw that at your wife. I don't give a fuck what you do. It's Wednesday, bitches. June 6th. Are you kidding me? Is it June 6th? No. June 5th. The 5th. The 5th. The 7th is Friday. You know I don't fuck around.

You know how we do it here. Churchill, what's happening now? Crack that motherfucker, Lee. Spark that number. Get that coffee. I hate this. Get that oatmeal. Do some jumping jacks, you fucking dirty cocksuckers. Get up. It's a beautiful, beautiful day to be alive. You're alive. You're not in jail. You're not in fucking Cuba. You're not in fucking Korea. Like firecrackers. You're here. Where the fuck you are? The UK? Ireland? Get up. Salute. Grab that cock. Grab that pussy. Snip those fingers. We're big in Korea. I know we're big in Korea. Shut the fuck up, cocksucker. What's happening, Lee Sian? You're a dirty man. You just made me have a mental breakdown. Why? What happened? Because 30 seconds before the show starts, you're like, your mom probably has a boyfriend. Your mom's dead with you.

How old is your mom now? Her early halfway through the century. I don't know. I don't want to say. 55. She's got plenty of fucking juice left to her. She's cute the worst. I mean, I'm not trying to disrespect. I'm just trying. It's a fucking reality. What do you want them to do? Sit at home and fucking comb that pussy? I got to get some action too. Mom's got to get action too. You don't think mom's at home. How long has she been divorced from your dad? At least probably five or six years. You think she's got a statin? No, never. She's Mary. She's what? She's like Mary Magdalene. No, I can't think of her.

Mary Magdalene's a dirty oil. Take some reefer. Come here, cocksucker. Come here to Mary Magdalene. Why are you throwing your mom under the bus? It's a beautiful day to be alive. This little cocksucker. Great things are going on in your life. Maybe they're not going on in your life. You can fucking go on in your life. Get up, polish your shoes. You want your shoes polished. Always. Your shirt fucking ironed. You want to look good. Go get a job. Everybody talk. I don't have a job. Yeah, you fucking got a job. You. Get up. Look sharp. Hide that fucking dumb tattoo of a bird on your fucking hand. You fucking idiot. It's life out there. You got a bird tattoo. I seen some guy with a bird fucking tattoo on his hand yesterday.

What are you going to do with that? I'm surprised he didn't go over and chop it off. I almost went over and talked to him. Like, you get it together. Put a glove on like Michael Jackson or some shit. A bird. You're 22 years old. You got muscles. Unbelievable. These fucking guys. Unbelievable. What's going on, baby? Nothing. I think a lot about what we talk about during the show. Because I want to have something to talk about the next time. And as everyone knows, we've been talking a lot about my dating. And I thought about it like I'm really like you make fun of me, but I fall in love immediately. Like it's been part of my issue. So I recently started seeing this girl and I like I've been not being an asshole, but I've been being assertive. Like when she said you want to be friends, I said no.

And then yesterday we were supposed to get together. And before I went to bed, she said she was too tired. And then when I woke up, she's like, oh, come anyways. And me six months ago would have run and not done anything I wanted to do yesterday. And I said, no, I can't. I'm busy. And it's just and it's weird how they respond to that. And it's weird how I feel about it. Like I feel better. Told you, Lee, because I always want a nice little fucking guy. I always want people to like me, especially girls. Like, but it's and she listens and I like her a lot. But I just I couldn't do it. And it's I think they respect it. And like it because normally I would have run and done it immediately. And it's a it's a weird thing. I'm trying to see what happened last night. When I call you last night, two times and I was going to bring you edibles that they were strong and they were going to kill you and all this shit.

Didn't I tell you that yesterday? You told me that every day. OK, but I didn't bring you nothing. You know what? And I was outside the weed store yesterday. I got some tremendous weed that I know. Yeah. The problem was when you say to me, no, I'm not going to do that. I got to make you do it. You said to me, that's OK, I'll go eat something and I'll take the edible. Done. There's no reason. And the more you eat those edibles, Lee, the stronger you're going to get to them. The only reason I gave you a Monday was because you spent probably four days each time you called me. I got the death for you. Oh, no. It's five hundred. It's five hundred milligrams. I got to tell it a lower. Let me take a nap at six o'clock at night.

I got up at seven and went to fucking Jiu Jitsu Monday night. I went up going to Jiu Jitsu as high as I was with that five hundred milligrams and had a great fucking time. You know, Mondays and Fridays, it's Marcelo Madness. So he makes you do burpees and fucking run and makes you do push-ups a half hour before fucking class starts. And you can do that stuff high? Listen, I can't do anything high. I can't do a fucking burpee straight or high. You know, I can't do a fucking squat rest no more. No. Like he made you run 10 times around the fucking Jiu Jitsu gym. Then you had to do 15 squat rest, 15 push-ups, 15 sit-ups, 15 lunges and 15 something else.

I could do 15 everything else. I just couldn't do the fucking squat rest. Is your knee still fucked up? No. It's that way three hundred fucking pounds. My shoulder can't carry that shit no more. You know, I used to do those burpees when I was in college. At night I'd do a couple lines of coke and think I was fucking her shit walking. I'd be doing those fucking burpees at night, but I can't do those no more. But you got to go. You got to fucking go. That's all. It's really weirdly. I've been trying to write this book and I have my partner Omar and I send him shit every Monday.

And now I'm going into this when I moved out of my mother's house. Remember the house I took you to? Yeah, of course. I moved out there. Like after my mother died I was going to stay in there like fucking Ralph Cramden when he fought against the landlord and I was going to go up against my dad. But the house creeped me out so much. Yeah, because you found her there. I fucking left. And you know, I'm up to this chat that a lot of people didn't know that I never really talk about because from doing coke all those years people would always pick one thing. When you do coke with somebody after about an hour you're at their house or they're at your house.

They start breaking down. The truth serum comes out. And they start telling you what really fucking bothers them, why they do coke. They don't tell you this is why I do coke. They just tell you that sore spot in their life. When I was three my father hit me with a fucking shoehorn. And they just come out with shit? Yeah, they just started. And the more you know this person the more they talk about that shit. But it doesn't affect them when they're jumping up and down at a fucking bar. Do you get me?

Yeah. Like I was with all these people after two hours of doing blow they'd stop and they'd say, you know, they break down the pain I have for them. I miss whoever, you know, I want to do so much better. They'll never do blow again and they hit you with that same pathetic fucking story every fucking night, you know. And one of the stories that I had, one of the stories I never really repeated for a long time was, and I talked about in the documentary, you know, yes, I found my mother dead. But there was more of that fucking story that I never talked about. My mother used to wake me up at night every fucking night when I was a kid.

With food? With food. Every fucking night, 3.20, 3.30, she'd come in the room. I said, Antonio, wake up. I made you, I brought you Chinese food. They would leave New Jersey in those days and go into the city and get a steak or whatever the fuck and bring it home. And then I would eat it, you know, four in the morning. But the constant was the four-star diner. The diner I showed you because they had the best BLTs.

My mother loved BLTs. Who doesn't? Oh, they're fucking delicious. They're fucking delicious. They're local. And so she'd wake me up and she woke me up from the time I was fucking five. Every night I woke up for an hour, every fucking night when I was a kid to eat. I talked to her.

I made sure everything was all right. And then I'd go to bed. I did that for fucking 20 fucking years. I did that every night with her. And she'd talk to me high or whatever the fuck she was on. And we'd talk a little bit about her day and what she had to do the next day and boom. After when I stepped dad and her broke up, I started sleeping in her bed with her. I was scared to sleep in my room.

I was always scared of that fucking bed. So that made it easy for me. She had a huge bed. So I would just crink up on the other side. My mom had like a king-sized bed back then. It was made special. She fucking got a tailor made in New York. And she liked the big fucking bed.

So I slept in that bed every fucking night. Okay. So how old were you when you were 15? Oh, really? I was 15. So I think Juan left like that, that December or November. So for about six or seven months, I was sleeping with my mother every night. And were you scared when Juan was there and you just couldn't because he was there?

Or when he left, you got scared? I was always scared. Okay. I was always a scared little kid at night of ghosts and all that shit, especially in that fucking house. So the night that my mother died, I went out, did some acid, came home. I came on the tail end of the acid. I think I did like a half a sheet or something. I had no school the next day.

I knew these guys didn't have the same curfews I had. I had no fucking curfew. So they would all eat like a half. So we went out, took the acid, whatever. I went home. I went to sleep. I went to bed that night. And I just remembered this because I'm writing about it.

I went to bed that night. When she came in that night, she yelled for me. Oh, she did? She did. Okay. Okay. For me to come down. I heard it and I just fucking said no.

I don't want to deal with it because then I'll wake up and the acid's still in my system. My pupils have dilated something. I just didn't know. I was really not knowledgeable about drugging those days. I didn't know why I don't get up. Okay. And then a little while later, I saw that the light in the hallway was off and she still wasn't in bed.

She went downstairs and found the dead on the kitchen. Now, she usually brought food home. Mm-hmm. You know? So this was my dilemma for years. My dilemma for years that after the ambulance left, they took her. I looked for shit. She didn't bring food home that night.

Do you think she was? Yeah. So she was cooking eggs. Oh, she was. She was making eggs when she got home. She was at the track. Roosevelt Raceway. They were open until midnight.

Mm-hmm. And then she probably hung out at a bar in the city with her buddies and then she came home. She would take a cab over. I didn't hear none of this, but I do know that there was no food that night. So for years, I didn't know if she was yelling because she was dying and I didn't help her. That's what I'm going to ask you. So I didn't ever know.

Now, I never talked about it. I've never, right? You know, all the time you and I, because I know for a fact that when it's your time, it's your time. If I would have gone downstairs, it would have happened. Now, did you know that? I mean, you were 15, so it's been 35 years. You didn't know that at the beginning because, like, even just thinking about it, that's

all I'm thinking about is, like, do you wonder if she was... No, I knew that. I knew that that night. I knew that that morning. So you didn't feel guilty at all? I'm not saying it was your fault, but it's like... I felt a little guilty and I could have been one of those people. Oh, my God, could I tell you that because of me?

My mother died. No, she didn't. God has a fucking plan for you and you can't control. Nobody has a fucking expiration date. Nobody knows when you're going to fucking expire and you could be with Dini. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She was down there and she would have still died, you know?

What could have happened? And that's always been a doubt in my head. I've always taken care of it. I took care of it three or two years later. I wasn't going to be one of those people that every time you got high or every time you met somebody, 10 minutes into the conversation, they were going to tell you that and fucking idiot people, oh, my God, I feel so sorry. Let me give you a hug.

It was 20 years ago. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it, cock-sucker. You know? Because people always have that hook to suck you to fucking with. Yeah. And I just didn't want to have that hook so I never really thought about it because when

God's going to take you, he's going to fucking take you. And you don't think like, because you just said people always have a reason for doing coke. You don't think like that could have been a reason for doing coke now? No. I was on my way of destruction way before that fucking thing. Okay. You know, I was on, I had already done blow.

It just wasn't big. I had already done blow. By the time my mother died, I had done coke once or maybe twice. About two weeks before she died, we all played hooky and I took some to school and we did a bunch of the party. And while the people were mad, a lot of kids were fucking pissed and, but you know. But do you think you did it for 29 more years because she passed away? Like if she had been, if she was here today, do you think your life would have gone around

the same path? No. I would have been even worse. You would have been worse? Yeah. Because I was a mama's boy. I was soft. What do you think would have happened though?

I would have been worse. I mean. I would have got hooked on drugs. I would have gotten in trouble. Somebody would have left drugs at the house. You did get in trouble? No. No.

I would have gotten in trouble worse. I would have got my mother in trouble. We would have probably ended up in a fucking apartment. You know, my mother was on her way down when she died. It wasn't one of the best things that could have happened to her. You know, she was a fucking pathetic gambler. Yeah. You said she had lost the bar by then and so it was just going to get worse and I would

have just got worse. I would have, I would have really listened to my eyes. I didn't amount to nothing. I'm a fucking comedian that tells stories and tells jokes and that's great for society and whatnot. It's not as important as doctors and great lawyers and engineers. Yeah, but not everyone can be a lawyer. Yeah, but you know what?

You got to go to school and you don't understand what the plans my mother had for me. You don't understand the plans and the goals I had for myself. You know, I wanted a way of shooting even though I looked like a fat fucking student. I wanted to represent criminals in court or something to do with the law. That's what I wanted. You know, that's what I wanted in my soul. It just didn't work out that way. I went to plan B. Thank God it was always outgoing and I didn't give a fuck.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And then it's, you know, like I said, I'm writing this book and it's just really weird, the things you remember as you're writing because I usually look at what I'm going to write and then I leave for a day and I make notes when I go to the coffee shop to write. Okay. I think about it and it's really weird when I wrote that particular thing because it took me back there.

Like last night I had to take a shower and get out of the house. Yeah, you called me and you said I'm not even doing a set. I just had to get out of the house. Yeah, I just had to get out of the fucking house. I took a shower, started from scratch, washed my pussy. At 10 o'clock I left the house last night. Went to the bank, took some money out. I can't believe, I mean, I guess it makes sense, but the fact that you're saying like you would

have been, like to me, like you went to jail for three years for kidnapping a guy with a machine gun and you're like, that was the light. Like it could have been so much worse. Could have been worse. That's fucking me. Could have been worse. I don't know if it's a weed by my brain. Like I can't even, I can't even understand what things could happen in life.

You have no idea what bad things could happen in your life. Last night I was, after I called Joe and went home and I was writing and I put, I saw my knees at night before I go to bed. I forced myself to get up in the computer and go on to the TV. And I watched the news or I watched whatever. That stupid, but last night there was a gangster show about a Dominican moya that was killing drug dealers in the Bronx. Okay.

Taking drug dealers and killing them. Just fucking kill them, taking their money. Because he didn't like drug dealers? No, because he was a thief. That's what he preyed on. That was his scam. Okay. Other drug dealers, they can't dial 911.

Oh man. And I'm fucking sitting there and I got my things on my knees and I got a cat. I'm petting the cat. And I'm sitting there and they're showing all these images of people in these alleyways with blood on them and, you know, getting shot. What the fuck? You have no idea the places I would go to to get drugs. You had no idea the people I dealt with that I didn't know were killers two years later.

I found out they're doing 30 for this or they're doing 20. I didn't know. And I would take their coke or, you know how many times I kicked the fucking door down and people were sitting the way you and Ashley and your friends in the living room. You know how many times we kicked the door down, me and Ray going, there was three people in the living room and we pulled guns out. One time I had no bullets in that fucking gun. Did you know that?

You pulled guns out and you... And tried to rock. I mean, I know you jumped up on windows and stuff, but you went in when people were there? Oh no. In 1994, after I got divorced, I wasn't a real fucking craziness. I needed money. Three, four hundred dollars wasn't going to do it. I had problems with attorneys, with my ex-wife, the baby, and I thought it was the end all

be all. I didn't fucking know. I mean, you put me against a wall, but I don't know someone. You put me against a corner, you give me a gun, I will do. And, you know, Joey's called. Joey's called the fucking show. I've had Joey called a couple fucking times. A couple people got scared.

A couple people fucking wrote me back. There's two guests I've had that fucking people have emailed me and said, you fucking crazy. And I was Mike Running when he told the story throwing the hooker out of the car. And fucking Joey Filato. Joey Filato knew in 94. He had a cousin that was crazy. And I love this cousin. His cousin loved me.

I didn't give a fuck how crazy he was. But you know what? He was a criminal that respected me as a criminal. But he loved that I did comedy. Like he died Darren. But if Darren was alive today, he'd be out here with me. I know it. I fucking know it.

Smacking people. Choking motherfuckers. Grabbing me spots, smacking agents. Get me more trouble than I have on my own. But so how, I mean, how, how do you know? Do you get paranoid after you break into someone's house? Like that they're going to come, the cops are going to come knocking on your door. They're going to come knocking on your door.

Oh my God. Oh my God. You're going to bump into. How do you leave the house? Like I would imagine like drive by. It's like I only know this from movies. I don't even know what's real or not. The point of the story was that that could have been me.

That could have been me. How was it not you? I was going to go down and somebody pulling the fucking gun. Somebody stupid pulling the fucking gun. I fucking know this. You know, I was telling James when he was here this weekend that I never thought about being 40. I knew that was going to turn 37 in the year 2000.

Okay. That's one thing I knew for sure. And I knew I could look you in the face, Lee, and tell you I never fucking thought I was going to see the year 2000. That seemed to me in 1985, the year 2000 seemed like sci-fi fucking network to me. Like something I was never going to worry about or never going to see. You know, it's funny how I used to throw shit out the window. What do you mean?

Food and fucking garbage as I'm driving in a car. Okay. I was a complete fucking savage. I had no respect. The biggest respect you can have are you don't want to respect yourself, that's great. We got to respect the fucking earth. People who throw shit in the fucking ocean and people who throw shit. That's great.

You want to be a fucking pig and throw sandwich wrappers on your floor and live in fucking filth. Fucking business. But when you start polluting the fucking streets and shit, that means you have no respect for yourself and no respect for the fucking future. You know, the people that are coming in behind you. It's like leaving dishes in the fucking sink when you live with eight people. Clean your fucking dishes because people, there's people behind you.

I used to fucking be a polluter. That was what I was going to ask. Until about 1997, I used to be a fucking polluter because I never thought that it would. Who gives a fuck about the year 2013? It's like I'm going to tell you now you can't take showers because we're running out of fucking water. Ten years ago, I would leave the fucking water on all day. I'm principal.

Just I'm principal. I can't do that no more. You know, I can't do that no more. I haven't thought like that in about 12 or 13 years. I could see how I evolved. I could see why I wanted to get these. I'm going back to me, what I used to be like when I was 10 again. Now, let's say, I don't know what age, like when you were my age and you said you couldn't

imagine getting to 2000. Yeah. 24. No fucking way. But did you actively think like I'm never going to get to 37 or you just didn't. No, I never thought I'd be 37 at all. Never even fucking close. Never even close.

Never even close. And then when I came out here, it's so funny that having been a loser sometimes is advantageous. In what way? Being a loser because I was a loser for a long time. And when I came here, you know, sometimes you're like my jujitsu teacher, anybody, anybody who's been doing something for a long time. I really had a good time talking to this Fabiano, whatever his fucking name is, last week, right? And he was saying how he was a white belt for two years.

He was a blue belt for seven fucking years. He was a purple belt for two or something years. And he was a brown belt for two. It took him, I don't know how many years to become a black belt. But he goes basically became a black belt because he didn't do anything else. I basically got to this point in my life, not because I was innovative, but because I couldn't leave LA. I had nowhere else to go. You know what I'm saying?

So what was I going to do? Just sit here at night and hang out at night. I might as well do three, four spots at night and write a few fucking jokes. So sometimes being a loser has its advantages. I guess that's a good way of looking at it. Because you're like a fucking dummy like me. Yeah. You just kept sticking with something.

You know, I stuck with it. You know, I stuck with being a stand up and I love it. I love it. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I don't want to do nothing else. Yeah. I'd like to be an attorney. Yeah.

I'd like to be a brick mason. Yeah. I'd like to do a lot of fucking things. I had a lot of dreams like to be a guitar player and a band. A little kid again. A little kid again. A spit on chicks, you know. I'm going to be a firefighter.

I'm going to be a lawyer. I don't want to be a fucking firefighter. I've got to cut people off with a light and shit. That's scary being a fucking firefighter. What's the story, Lee? What's going on in your world? Tell me something fucking good. You haven't been swimming for a week.

You've lost that? I haven't swim. No. Today it starts again. Okay. And every day, 10, 20 minutes, you're going to feel a lot better about yourself. You know, I do that little thing with the baby, which is walking. Just walking.

You know, I read that. Did you see about the guy who lost 200 pounds by walking? No. He would give himself walking drills. And he said the first day he went, he was a publicist. He thought he was going to get a heart attack. It's so fucking real. Like, I didn't work out because James was in town.

I didn't work out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And fucking Monday, I couldn't wait for jujitsu at 11 o'clock at 9 o'clock at 9, 8 o'clock. My body had to do something. So I went Monday afternoon to the YMCA. My knees been bothering me. So I got on the bicycle. I got on the one bicycle for 20. Then I got on the long-range bicycle for 10.

Then I got on the epileptical machine, right? Yeah. And I started doing the epileptical machine. I started sweating heavy. Don't work out for three days and then work out. And that first dose of sweat smelled like everything we ate. It smelled like fucking steaks and tacos and avocado and fucking soda, like that thick. If you don't sweat for three or four days, you sweat.

The first group of sweat comes out a lot thicker. It smells like weed and that brownie and fucking, it just smelled so bad. When I got home, I hung the shirt up. I never just throw the shirt in the hamper because then the whole hamper stinks. You put moisture in there. So I hang the shirt up. I went to take it Monday night. It was dry, but it was hard.

It was like a hard fucking t-shirt from the fat and the fucking gorilla biscuits and everything else I had in my fucking system. So it's just so, it's so weird that we talk about health on this podcast. Yeah. Because I love it. I love it. And you look at me like, but Joey, you're a fat fuck. So what? I still drink tons of fucking water every day.

Tons of fucking water every day. This week, this morning I got up and I do, I love doing that Dolce system. It's so weird how I take a couple of things from Weight Watchers. I take a couple of things from Dolce. I can't eat that Dolce food. I love his concept. I know what he's fucking saying. Even with the debt, debt, debt lifting, I just don't like quinoa.

I can't fucking eat quinoa, whatever the fucking is, quinoa, quinoa. I don't like that shit. Where's the musically? You're gonna hit me with little fucking Eagles this morning. We never play the Eagles on here. There's a bad fucking jam right here. Oh shit. This is Don Fel down the fucking guitar.

This is old school. It was like 75 and shit. Oh shit. Time to spark another joint. Get up, cock suck. There's a beautiful day to be alive. Shine your shoe. Hit it.

Oh shit, Lee. Oh shit, Lee. I need to install like a little fader here for the light. This is Lee's song. We're gonna find that pretty mama. What turns on? Oh shit, Lee. Time to spark another one.

Get over here, cock suck. You got your demons. You got desires. And I got a few of my own, cock suck. Oh shit. It's a beautiful day. Get up. Get it together.

Watch that ass. Watch that pussy. Shave it. He wants to go out there. Make a good impression. Hit it. My girl should be calling any minute now. All right.

Are you ready? Ooh. You know what I listened to this morning before you got here? What'd you listen to? I listened to Rumors, which I listened to. You showed me about the first time. It's a great album. Great album.

1977, I was in the eighth fucking grade. And Claudia Costa used to play. Claudia Costa was a cute girl. But she had those fucking things, those warts. Okay. All of them. But she was on Letterman for playing the fucking, the baton. She was like a national baton player.

And how do you play that baton? With your fingers. With your fingers. That's what you do with your fingers if you want to finger bank people. Tough. You played it with the fucking batons. Calvin Murphy was a basketball player from the Houston Rockets. Tough little motherfucker.

Five foot eight. Snacks him. Must beat the fuck out of Sidney Wicks. Bad motherfucker. Grab him by the afro. Brought him. He was six foot eight Sidney Wicks. Brought him down to his level.

Just started to slap him. Calvin Murphy just got acquitted. Child molestation in Houston. When I went down there and the city took his side like it was a lie. Okay. And the woman just accused him of sex. I don't know what the fucking story was. I'm a big fan of Calvin Murphy's.

There used to be a show on. There still is the NBA on CBS. What the fucking show? I'd have to read all back. The legend from the Celtics would come on every week. A different person would come on and teach you drills. Okay. Well, Julius Irving fucking taught a drill.

But one of the best ones was Calvin Murphy. Because he opened up the show twirling a baton. And then he talked about how it affected your hands. Like your hand speed and shit. So for years after that you see these big black guys twirling a fucking baton, Jack. You must have done it because you loved it. You must have had got a baton. You didn't get a baton?

I got new chucks. I got new chucks and just cut the string and twirled the one fucking new chuck. That's good for your fingers. If you're going to finger bang somebody, you might knock their fucking ovary out. Oh no. You finger bang any of these chicks your daily. Yeah. The only thing I don't like is assholes.

Everything else is great. There's somebody saying you have a picture with an asshole. Oh, there's a guy and he just sent... I don't know who got the picture of it. And one guy said it would look like the... You probably don't know what, but the pit in Star Wars. It looked like that. But it was clean.

Yeah, I'm still into it. Is this my girl? Hi, good morning. Good morning, Madison. How are you, my love? I'm good. How are you? I'm not bad. I thank you very much for getting up early and calling in. I'm up.

I know you're running. I know you got a family and stuff. That's unusual. What time do you usually get up, Madison? Hmm. What time do you usually get up? I'm usually up between six and six thirty. All right, so we're good. You're good.

You got a coffee in you. You did a couple of jumping jacks like Lisa had. Put that on the pot. All right, all right. What's going on in your world? Just unusual work, kids. We're preparing for a move. Where are you moving to?

Just from North Hollywood, the Glendale. Okay, that's not that bad. I thought you were going to leave me here at the Y all by myself. No, it's just we're moving... I'm moving closer to the kids' school. That's good. Let me ask you something. So how long have you been involved with yoga, Madison?

Well, I've been teaching it since 2003, but I have been practicing it for a few years before. I went into teacher training. And how long is the teacher training for? Wait, are we talking or are we on podcast? We're on a podcast. You and me are talking. Oh!

And the flying Jews in the room. And my man's in the room. Lisa Yats in the room. Hi. Hi. No, we're doing a podcast. We're on. What lies?

Oh, okay. I didn't realize that we were on right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not playing no more. How are you, my wife? Okay. Well, I mean, before I went into teacher training, I had people had mentioned to me before,

oh, you should try yoga. You should try yoga within Southern California. And I just went, oh, no, I don't want to do yoga. Oh, no, that's for hippies. I don't want to do yoga. And then I met a boy. And I really, really liked him. And he was into yoga.

So that's how I, how I got into the yoga practice was actually, was following a cute boy in the class one day. And how long is the teacher training after that? The teacher training that I went through was a long time ago. It was 10 years ago. So I may not be exact, but I think we did it for almost six months, I think. Well, not six months, maybe four, four months.

We went every, every weekend. It was a Friday, some Friday nights, every Saturday and Sunday. And then after the teacher training, back when I was, when I was doing it, you had to come out and, and follow a senior teacher for six months to a year. So you would come in and assist in their classrooms or, or sit in the class or, or take the class. And then that senior teacher would hold meetings,

maybe not at their discretion and whoever was in that training would go. And then we talk about what happened in class. Think why we gave an adjustment, why she, or he gave a certain, a posture that followed another posture or, or questions about, about that other students had, while they were in the classroom that came up. So it was very hands on back when I was, when I went through teacher training.

And do you still go to class? Like, do you still attend the class and while somebody else is teaching? Absolutely. I, I love to take other people's classes. I'm a, and I, I also, I'm in fitness as well. And I do personal training and I also teach yoga privately. And what I say often is even trainers need trainers because, you know, as someone who's standing outside of you,

I mean, alignment wise, we can see what's happening with your body, but it's very difficult for you to see what's happening with your body. So it's the same for, for people who teach. It's, it's difficult to see what's happening on the, on the outside, because you're so, you get focused, you get locked in into what's happening on the inside and how it feels. And you don't know, maybe you've been sitting on your right hip a lot for the last four or five, six months,

and it feels normal for your hip to be over to the right. And then someone comes along and they readjust you. And it may not feel right, but the alignment is right. Now, I read a lot about yoga. You know, I went to your class for a long time. And what are the real advantages? Like I felt I got really stronger. I got really limber.

My breathing got a lot better. You know, but what are the true, true advantages that you see? Especially I see women that have been doing it for a while and they're beautiful. They're beautiful. I see, I look at these women in class and, you know, I'm married, but you watch and you go, wow, look at this woman. You know, what does she do? It's amazing.

Sometimes it's, you know, when you connect, exercise is exercise, right? And people come to me and they go, oh, I want to lose weight. I want to, you know, I want to get, build the big muscles. And my question is always, well, how, how long is your timeframe? Because in yoga, the timeframe is years sometimes. It's not two weeks, 30 days, 90 days. It really is a long process. And if you want to, you know, lose weight right away, go do cardio.

Go on the elliptical. Go take a boot camp class. Go, you know, run, run. That's the fastest way to, to get to your goal. For, for me, what you look on the outside can be a benefit of a yoga practice. But how you feel on the inside is, is really what's the most important part of a yoga practice. It's not even doing the postures correctly. And it's not making it, it look beautiful.

It's about how you feel while you're in your practice. And I think that sometimes can bring an energy around a person that is a very, that's very light and very calm and very, and bright. So it's a, it's a different, it's true when you, when you see people who are, you know, straight gym and then muscle guys and, and not true of everyone, but you know, they're working real hard and they got this goal and, and they have a very different expression on their face. You know, they're hard and their bodies are hard and they're big.

And then you have someone who comes out of yoga. And it was one of the things I love about yoga is shavasana at the end when everyone lays down and you're still. And, and you're sometimes you're just so thankful that you're not moving anymore. And it feels good. But every, but when people leave the room, they feel good. And, and that's one of the most important parts of the practice or one of the most important parts of the practice I enjoy is when that happens.

Oh, you're a great teacher. You know, as a stand-up comic, I learned a lot from watching you sometimes. Do you know that? Like I would go in there and watch you and go, do you have fear of getting up in front of people? You know, how sometimes you'd be opposed and you'd walk over to me or you'd walk over to a girl and help her out or something. How do you feel talking in front of people?

I am, I, that's something I had to, I struggled with in the beginning because I am a naturally very shy person, although you wouldn't think so. But it's something I used to struggle with a lot. And it just, when I stopped thinking about how I felt being in front of the room and I started thinking about the individual students in the classroom and started focusing on them, a lot of the times I'll come in to start a class and I'll have something kind of mapped out that I was going to do that day and then I end up doing something completely different,

not even close to what I had intended for the class. And that's purely based on who is in the classroom. Because teaching a class is not about me and what I want out of that class. It's about who's in the class and what's in the need of, in the room. And so it's, that helped me to overcome my fear of speaking in front of the room or leading a class. It was being able to kind of see who's in the room and what they need and bring that into the practice.

It made it more joyful to teach that way. That's beautiful, Madison. I never looked at that. I'm going to start looking at an audience that way. Like what the hell do these people need? I don't know if that works in your view. No, that really does. That's beautiful.

I never thought about it that way. Because sometimes with me, you got to get up there and they look at you and they make, in their mind, they judge you. You're judged between the first 30 seconds. Oh, I know what this guy's going to say. So if you don't take them in that direction, then you just have to beat them, like submersively. Like sometimes you have to like, I don't know how to describe it.

It's so weird, but that is beautiful. And I can just imagine. Like sometimes you go in, they're going to be 15 people in the class and you go in and there's four people. So everything changes. That's how it changes in my world. Like on a Tuesday night, I write a new joke and I have my intention of just trying that joke and I'll get to the place

and I thought there was going to be 190 people and there's four people. So you can't go up there and try that joke. You got to do it a different way, you know? So it's very, as I could see it that way, sure. It's amazing how I had to go to an audition one time and you're an actress. You understand this. I had to go to an audition one day. And the feedback I got in the initial audition was you going,

the guy that was going in was a thug. And they said you went in too hard, soften it up. It just so happens that the audition was 11.45 and you had a class that morning from 8.30 to 10.30 and I said I'm going down there because she'll soften me up a little bit with the poses and I'll breathe. And I went into the audition and I got it. I nailed it, but it was funny on the way out. I thought about that how when I left yoga that morning,

when I walked in I felt a certain way, but when I walked out I felt a certain way and I made myself feel that way. It was really weird. I had never done that before. If you go hit the bag and ride the bike, you have these things on your mind. But that day by going to yoga and just breathing, it softened everything up. Yes.

Well congratulations. I didn't know that. You didn't tell me that. This was like two years ago. It was a while ago. Because I think I used to take your Thursday morning class. Right? Your Thursday morning at the Y.

Now you just have the Thursday, right? Yes. And are you teaching somewhere else? Right now I just teach at the Y. I just have one class at East Valley and then I teach privately. I'd like to get into going back into studios and I did approach some of the studios before. I had held a lot more classes before I had children.

I had the freedom to be available more often and frequently. And I subbed for many people and I had more of my own classes. But after having my children, my focus changed to them. I would teach with them for a lot of top mommy and me classes together and baby yoga. But I went back into some of the studios recently and it kind of brought you back too well. You've got to get back on the sub list.

You've got to be at mercy with someone else's schedule and availability. I'm a single mother now. So that's not, quite often it's not realistic for me. I need as much financial structure in my life as my children need stability and structure in their life. So I'd love to expand but it has been difficult to do that. Also now there's a lot of yoga teachers out there. And it just has become a little bit of very young yoga teachers out.

And I'm not just talking about young in age but a young in yoga experience. But because they are young and because they're new to this world of instructing, they're a lot easier to get at a much lower rate and it makes perfect business sense for studios to take those teachers first. You know if you drive up and down Magnolia, what do you count? 18 yoga studios? There's a lot. There's a lot from World Canyon on Magnolia.

There are great teachers in studios and I attend all classes everywhere because I do. I love it when, especially when I walk into a room and someone really knows their alignment and things like that to help put me back into my beginnings. Every time I walk into someone else's classroom I try to walk in with that idea that this is new. It's my first time and let go of anything that I've, to let go of the teacher and really be the student. That can be challenging sometimes.

You know Madison, I take the baby on a walk every morning. I walk around the North Hollywood Park and I've been seeing some lately. I've been seeing in the last, because I've lived by the park for the last three years. It's a big beautiful park off of across from the Y. Yeah, that one there in the mornings. I usually walk with the baby till about 9.30 and then I go home and it's so weird what I'm watching there. I'm seeing that more people, like there's a boxing class now across the street, a boxing class and the guy hangs a bag in the park.

He walks the 90 pound bag into the park and hangs it and he's got cones in there and a little ring and he takes each guy and he runs with them and by the other guy's boxing, the other guy's shadow boxing, the other guy's on the floor. And I tell you something, Madison, I would stop over and give the guy whatever he wants just to do. I have the baby. You know, I have the baby but it's kind of nice. Madison, you're a great teacher.

I've been to a couple of yoga. I've never been to any other studio but Hollywood YMCA and that's a little bit too, you know, whatever for me. They're very focused on the flow. They like to really move. No, no, but they're focused on the other stuff, the Hollywood stuff. I like real people, it seems, for yoga and you're as real as it gets and it's so weird like, you're a very good teacher, Madison, and you're good with people.

Thank you, Joey. That means a lot. Yeah, take it into the park. I mean, I know you're a single mom now and that breaks my heart. But one of the things that, for me, is I follow the rules. Oh, I see what you're saying. I follow the rules. So I did look into it and there's a lot of rules that people break to do things like that. And, you know, I don't like to do that.

If the city says, no, you're not supposed to be doing that, it's not okay. You need to pay a rent. You need to do your insurance. You can only work. I'm one of those people who goes, okay, just let me know what the rules are and I'll see if I can. No, I don't blame you. I wouldn't want you to break any rules either.

But you know what, there's rules and like you said, you're a single mom, you got to eat and you got a lot. Yeah, so there's rules. I don't want to end up with a big fat fight or end up going to court over. Right. Not following the rules. But, you know, there's a wills away. And like I said, you're great at what you do.

I wouldn't have you on the phone if I didn't think you were really, my wife loves you to death. I mean, I think you're great. Oh my gosh, how is she doing? I haven't seen her in a while. So I know he said she's busy. She's caught back to work. And you guys have your hands full with your beautiful little baby.

Oh, it's tough, especially she wanted to go back to work. She wants to go back because she's a promotion in two years and what does she work there for for 10 years. So it's about that. But it takes away from her yoga time. And I told her to cut back like 30 hours or whatever, but it's like talking to her. So she goes Saturday mornings is the best she could do.

And that's when I'm in town, you know? Yes. So I'm in town this week and then that's it. I'm gone for four weeks. So that means she doesn't work out. Yeah, but I'm only gone Fridays and Saturdays and Thursdays. So I'm around the rest of the time. So, you know, listen, man, I want you to call in again

and let us know where you're at. If you checked into a studio or something, because you're great at what you do and, you know, talk these people. If people want to come check it out, you should support your local YMCA East Valley. It's one of the things I love about at the YMCA is it's really about its family. I love it. I love it there.

Yeah, it is. And it's one of the reasons why I continue to teach. I continue there. I keep teaching even with the move I want to make the drive because I really, the class that we have on Thursdays, it's a very special class to me and people who come. And I know people over the years and you get to really become family. And you don't really, I haven't gotten that too much anywhere else

or teaching many other classes outside of yoga in that way that there's this connection. And it is a special class. Everyone in the class is very, they all know each other and they take care of each other. And I watch people in class take care of new students who come in when I can't get to them. It's a very special group of people.

So I'm honored to be teaching. You know, it's funny how I started at the Y in Hollywood. And I don't know if you've been to the Y in Hollywood. They do everything there but rub your feet. They've got the bubble bath, they got the steam bath, they've got the showers. It's the Hollywood YMCA spa. It's the spa.

They have the towels, they have the shaving cream. And I remember the first time I went to NoHo to East Valley, I went there with no towel and jumped in the pool. And I came out of the pool and I'm like, where's the towels? And I'm drying myself with paper towels. And it's such a working man's YMCA. That's what I call it.

You go outside, like I like to ride the bike outside and I hit the punching bag. The punching bag breaks like once a month. It's a working man's Y. Then you have to switch your workout and beat up on Ted, the little striking dummy. And if he's jacked up, if he's not filled up with water, then I've got to do squats.

It's such a great little Y. It really is. I love it. I won't go anywhere else. There's like a 48 hour fitness or something around the corner, whatever the hell that is. And my butt is like, I've got to pass. It's 40 a month.

You could swim. I'd rather stay at the North Hollywood Y. I really do. I love it. Yeah, it really has become a family. Now that you have a little girl, you appreciate it more because it is. It's very much about family.

It's one of the things I love about the Y and say it's difficult to give up for that reason. When you have a family, it's very, very difficult to give up the Y. I'm scared to drop off in a little baby sitting box still. She might throw a fit and I'm in the middle of a downward dog huffing and puffing. I got to run over there and save the kid.

I'll have a heart attack. She's not old enough for that yet. No, she's going to be five on Sunday. Five months old. So I don't think I could drop her off. Do you have a question for her, Lee? Hey Madison, my name is Lee. I produce but the question I was thinking about

is because you already know Joey and he's a big guy and I've lost some weight but I'm still a big guy and Joey makes fun of me because I have the flattest feet in the world and I have no balance and we have a bunch of listeners who are health conscious. What do you say to people who haven't done yoga before? Should you do private lessons first? I'd fall over if I was sitting down.

Yoga is something I've never thought of doing before. Don't be afraid to get it wrong. When you have new students who come in and they say, I've never taken yoga and I'm not sure what I'm doing. If they don't worry about it, it's okay. You're going to get everything wrong today. You're not going to get anything right,

not even standing, so don't worry about it. If you just were standing and you were doing the posture, the standing posture correctly and breathing properly, you could build up a sweat in 30 seconds be the sweat on your forehead and if you were doing the posture correctly and someone who's been taking yoga for 15 years

who just does the posture wouldn't understand that. They would think standing posture is nothing. Get me into a place where I can twist my ankles behind my head. I always remember that one of the things that yoga did for me in the first year of teaching I was instructed by my teachers

that I could not teach anything about special needs and injuries and level one. Having a big ego and being young, I wanted to come out and be the big rock star teacher and teach all the power flow classes and show everybody that I could throw my leg up in the air and hold it there forever.

What I appreciate about what those teachers did for me is they brought me into a place of being extremely humble because my first classes I ever taught, I remember this, was I had a lady in the room who had vertigo, a couple of people who had knee surgeries recently, a gentleman who had heart surgery, a woman who had a shoulder that popped in and out of her socket

every time she took her arms up above her head and they were all in the same classroom and how do you teach to this room where when you think of yoga, you see this flow, down dog, cobra, standing forward, fold, dancers pose, tree pose and most everybody in that room, no one would be able to do that.

So yoga isn't all those postures. It's really when you go into a classroom for your first time, go to the middle back so that you have people in front of you and the sides of you and maybe a person behind you if you can and so you can look and see what other people are doing,

not that you should do what they're doing but you'll get an idea when the teacher says triangle pose, you can just look to your left and there's someone there and they're doing the posture. You go to the other side, you can look to your right and you see there's someone who's there, who's doing the posture and you kind of start to get this picture of

okay, what space your body's going to be in but know that it doesn't have to look like what that person's doing or what that person's doing and it takes, try it for 30 days before you give it up and like finding a good therapist, you might have to try a few before you find someone that you connect with because that makes a really big difference too.

I know some teachers teach in a fashion where they start each class with a very personal story about their lives and how what they're going to teach in that class that day is going to reflect on what their story is and they will carry you through the posture and you'll get into a hip opener and that will be a part of their story

and some things that they realized and they'll take you to handstand and that will be another part of their story so they create this storyline and for some people they connect immediately to it they go, oh man, I've been through a breakup recently and I understand how that feels and I really connect to that story

and they go through class and they connect to all the points of the story and they come out feeling very healed from that class and for other people they'll come in and go I have a great relationship, I'm in a good place right now I don't want to hear this story everyone what I got going on and they don't connect to anything

so it's really, you have to usually within the first one or two classes you'll know if you connect to who's teaching the class as well some people, yes I'm sorry, there's different kinds of yoga my dad for years did the hot yoga bedroom and I went two or three times and I hated it because I didn't know the yoga and then also it was 800 degrees

do you have a class that if you not everyone lives in North Hollywood but if you had a class that anyone could go to any normal yoga studio and look for, what do you recommend if it's your first time? I would start with a Hosta class Hosta H-O-S-T-A? H-A-T-H-A H-A-T-H-A

and the thing about it is it's Hosta level one I would start with a Hosta level one and it doesn't mean that it's going to be easy but there's a better chance that it would be easy but if you can and almost every studio offers it is go to their free intro to yoga

one of the things that I find is that although a lot of teachers may talk about breathing and deep breathing and things like that throughout their class sometimes what they don't do is they don't teach you how to do the Ujai breath which is yoga without breath-centered work

yoga, postures are purely for exercise just to make the body flexible and strong when you add the breath work you add a different, what I feel is the element that is outside of the world of exercise like you can lift weights and not do, you don't do yoga breath you have to do different kind of breath

exercise to move the weights around you have to do a different kind of breathing for running, a different kind of breathing for swimming, a different so in yoga it's really the foundation of the practice even more than the postures more than being able to do down dog and do triangle pose

is breathing and if that's all you did throughout that's the start of the class you kind of got the breathing down started some postures, it didn't work for you if you just sat and did deep breathing for the next 40 minutes of class that's a great practice

it's a beautiful practice if you were just on your back with your knees bent and your feet on the floor and all you did was breathe that would be an amazing practice but you have to be able to let go of your fear of people judging you why is that personal on the floor why aren't they doing anything

why are they just breathing what's wrong with them you have to be able to let go of that fear of someone judging you for doing that and that can be one of the most difficult things to overcome is that you're doing it wrong and everybody else is going to know it that's fucking beautiful

that was beautiful Madison if you would like, I'd love to come back and tell you guys some stories because being an instructor there's a lot of very interesting yoga stories you're so sweet Madison, it kills me I've seen it all you're a sweetheart Madison

so you just have Thursday mornings now this time in the morning it works on Mondays I was training a group of ladies that they've taken the summer off just any time in Mondays through Fridays at this time is great and I really appreciate you thank you for bringing me on

and how do I find you I just go in and it'll be archived you go to the church what's happening now on iTunes and how can we find you that's the main thing how can we find you in the next couple of weeks

you should be able to find me at trainwithmadison when you get it up and gone we'll bring it back and tell us some yoga stories I love you Madison and I'm happy that you're doing your thing take care of your beautiful family nice to meet you bye my love

she's the sweetest lady in America I feel bad that she's a single mom now I almost don't want to say it because it sounds creepy but is she really pretty she sounds like a pretty like some people have that voice and you're like oh

yeah tremendously a knockout a walking knockout but it's not her looks in this situation it's what she brings to you she's so free she sounds like a perfect yoga teacher she's great

when you go to I go to the YMCA guys what do you want me to do go to crunch and drop 2,000 a fucking month for the same shit I'm gonna get in the fucking Y I'm a fat fuck those are the gyms and so people it's a social thing

for me I don't want to talk to nobody for the fucking Y but that Y is so both Y's even the Hollywood Y I just want the Sacramento so the desk clerk girl on the plane we sat together

we talked I love what the YMCA brought into my life I love it I love it and if you can't a lot of people can't even I tell that story on sets I go to the Y

in Hollywood in North Hollywood people look at me like you're a fucking loser you know what I've seen a lot of fucking good actors at the Y from the guy from the longest yard that was in L.A. Confidential at Warden or the jail

to Mark Ruffalo to Denzel Washington works in place who put the Y in Hollywood a lot of fucking people go to the Y at lunchtime man a lot of parents

you know and just even there's not Hollywood Y when you go in there you see the kids and they're dressed up and they got kids karate and they got so off-painter finger painting

and they watch the kids and they fuck you know it just does something to you in Madison I was, listen man the first time I walked into a yoga class are you fucking kidding me I was paranoid to pieces

Lee, scared shitless I can imagine and then I would go Tuesdays and Thursdays and the Tuesday guy quit and they put a yoga teacher I was 60 and I would see the ladies that she'd bring in

at 60 and I go look at these women's bodies there's a chick on Tuesday morning yoga that's gotta be 60, 66, 67 she walks to yoga like if you drive in North Hollywood like by Magnolia in the morning she'll have her mat

she's a fucking her face is beautiful but people never take care of themselves you know I know a thousand people when I was 15 that were 50 they didn't take care of themselves they did nothing to in this society now

you have to you guys are thinking Joey what the fuck are you some flaming fag bringing a yoga teacher on the fucking podcast no I'm giving you every opportunity I love smoking dope

I like fucking sucking and getting my dicks up but to do all these things you gotta be alive your circulation's gotta be good you gotta you know you wanna eat ass you gotta go to fucking yoga

and that's it you wanna eat ass you gotta go to fucking yoga that's it you gotta get your shit together man and that's why we're here when we're finished today go to fuckingonit.com

get a rope get a fucking kettle bell get some fucking alpha brain I used to take a little bit of alpha brain a piece of banana bread and I go to yoga stop it like a savage I go in there

a savage you're in fucking deep deep fucking thought you understand me like a savage thought and you try it you don't like it you don't have to fucking do it go to

did you ever see that Kickstarter plan with the Chinese guy that went to Vietnam he was all fucked up he was 400 pounds he couldn't even he did yoga

he lost 100 and something pounds from doing fucking yoga I'm telling you yoga's just hard on you you feel fucking strong I stopped going because of the hours my wife gets home at 5 I can't go from 6 to 7.30

my wife won't go that used to be our date night Tuesday nights was yoga together that was our big fucking thing together we go to Madison we go to Michelle try yoga if you don't fucking like it

then I'm the bad guy I gotta give some shout outs cock sucker Andrew Peterson Frank Burdini I love you cock sucker Paul Higginson another bad motherfucker

Gatto Martinelli Dan Pazzini this guy's all over the place he's like dog shit I love him Kelly Valdez Charles Eshelman and Mesquite Pool Service

you bad motherfucker you understand me give me some music Lee how about that fucking it's a beautiful day today what the fuck you gotta get your shit together we'll bring you yoga

reefer Lisa what are you looking at me for you wanna smoke some more weed that's what it is that's what you're saying oh shit it's a beautiful mother fucking day

Devo style where you go for uncle Joey let me see you put the camera where you go oh this reefer is delicious I got a blend in here this is a

kryptonite from I'm still smoking that crypto fucking no organic it's a beautiful world we live in and I got some sky walking from the vine don't forget

Friday 4 to 8 divine wellness anti fucking Dolores will be down there sampling edibles Lee's gonna be the guest star he's gonna be signing autographs with his new book I'm a Jew and I love it for you

oh shit Lee one another hit baby for you why not I'm so high you gotta be we're gonna go for breakfast we got a steak and a fucking

two pieces of toast bed that's a wonderful time to be here let me blow the smoke a lot of times you take those little Jew that alright yeah baby

look at you you look like Bob Marley if he was Jewish it's a beautiful world little Jew hits you mother fucker where's the music that's right here

that's right here for you you can do whatever you want to that people nobody's watching this ain't communism get up get that fucking paper read a little bit

get a line I was gonna have Danny B call in and give us this fucking package go to Danny B wins mother fucker's been on fire with baseball lately even if you get two net picks for a thousand a piece

you make two grand no fucking week that's eight grand a month after expenses that's sixty two hundred you're gonna send me five points cause that's how I roll Lee drop the knowledge

on these mother fuckers tell them what they're missing they're missing Hulu Plus we're still brought to you by Hulu Plus go to huluplus.com slash joey lowercase joey lowercase cocksuckers

as you should know by now there's also a banner at joeyds.net and we've told you about a lot of their TV shows but they have a bunch of movies there too they have a pulp fiction they have a bunch of documentaries

which I love they have something called forks over knives which is this great that's a good one health eating documentary they have they have a bunch of stuff

they have I'm trying to think what the McDonald's documentary can't believe I'm forgetting it right now go together Lee yeah but then they have revenge they have South Park they have revolution

they got community they got SNL they got the twilight fucking zone from 1959 with Rod Sterling when he was still doing herring with the Chinese people in the village listen cut this shit

go to huluplus.com go to the box go to my web page go to joeyds.net look at the t-shirts look at the fucking tour and then what you do is you go to huluplus

and you type in what do they type in Lee Joey lowercase why cut this shit if you like it you have two free weeks who gives you anything for fucking free nowadays

two free fucking weeks that's 80,000 things a day you can sit there smoke dope watch the TV and light yourself on fire you're like Joey what do you mean TV

yeah I know you've been watching your PC or your fucking computer with hulu.com with hulu plus we're gonna take that motherfucking body into the living room so you get your balls licked

and your dick sucked while you're watching something on huluplus.com that's how we fucking roll you're gonna get two weeks for free do they got porn Lee no they don't you don't need fucking porn

you're making your own porn the goddamn living room go to huluplus press and lowercase Joey after two weeks you like what huluplus got to offer it's $7.99 a month

correctly that's correct $7.99 a month eight fucking dollars where you gonna get that action for eight fucking dollars you know how many movies yeah don't get me started

please Lee and supersize me and it's called supersize me with the dude with the fucking thing and they found it anyway it don't matter

they got a bunch of great movies on there they got a bunch of TV shows eight dollars a month after two weeks for free so do what the fuck you need to do go to huluplus.com or go to joeydears.net

go to the box to huluplus and press Joey lowercase get your fucking world started you can't go out every night you might as well get stay home eat some ice cream

you could do jumping jacks while you're watching something on huluplus.com correct absolutely who the hell you think you're dealing with that's the best way to watch it come on now

we ain't fucking around here I ain't gonna I'm not gonna show up here I don't have any games for you people to sit there and masturbate if I'm bringing you something it's gonna fucking good deal same thing with honor

honor I don't fuck around when it comes to honor why would I I'm on the strong but you don't see me limping I'm on the strong bone I'm on the new mood I sleep like a fucking baby and I got the alpha brain cooking again

that's why I'm on all cylinders today you get that reefer with an alpha brain you shoot a fucking alpha brain load and some chicks you'll walk around like a chicken without a fucking head go to fucking alpha brain go to honor

go to the box press in church get your discount get your party started Aubrey's in town this week we're gonna talk about what's going on with honor this week we're gonna go to lunch here

this week and next week and that's how we fucking do it people who's better than us who's better than fucking you it's a Wednesday morning all right you got your fucking shout outs you know it's cracking

right they know what's going on I'm in Utah next week with the fucking Mormons I'm going over there bring them young Steve White and his fucking bullshit

I'm going to fucking Utah you wanna stop me get pick me up at the fucking airport you Mormon cocksuckers because I don't give a fuck I'm coming I'm gonna throw some fucking heat

then the following week I'm going to Lexington, Kentucky the on Broadway the 20th to the 23rd I'm gonna be rocking Kentucky I don't give a fuck Lexington I love the Bible bell bring the fucking Bible

and the Christians bring a snake I don't give a fuck then the following week me and Leah going up to San Jose people are really hitting us up where we're going to eat well I'm the table

we're going to original Joe's bitches we're going to McCormick's and Schmidt's Lee's pain he's bringing the special Jew credit card with the picture of fucking I don't even know

what you got a picture of on there Jesus with a fucking knife going through his head on it I don't fucking know I got one question for you go ahead brother what do alpha brain loads taste like I don't fucking know

I don't taste those things you do you gave me shit you gave me shit last night I didn't say no I said when I was young I whacked off and I tasted just to see

yeah but you called me last night every once in a while I got to taste it that's what you're probably taste like flowers then you got to eat something different like the kill juice sure when you eat that

juicing you know you got to get it together leave your high I am high when you're fucking high I don't fuck with you the Hulu Plus

you got me aggravated with the Hulu Plus I told you just how the fucking people what they need to know the bottom line $7.99 two weeks I'm giving them a deal of a night

lifetime you know what it cost them if they don't get it for $7.99 like 22 fucking dollars so what are you kidding that's it what are you going to talk about here

take care of yourself that's the fucking word of the week smoke some dope eat some oatmeal get a fucking apple bring an apple for the teacher they just don't get money no more

and anything whatever what do we got going on next week we got two podcasts I don't even know yeah Jesus oh no that's it we got two podcasts

we still have testicle testaments up we have the t-shirts which people always show me they're fucking awesome so go check those out I don't know man

that's it that's all I can think of I love that lady today that call just her voice made me fucking move she's such a sweetheart I

I didn't know that she was going through those type of situations but you know what man sometimes you break up with a fucking moat and makes you better yeah

these fucking idiots out here see a blonde with big tits and they go crazy and they got a chick that's good at home that sucks your pipe makes a good fucking beef stew

and they want to hit with some blonde with fake tits what the fuck is wrong when you get it together get it together man Jesus how do you I can't even imagine what's going on right now

what's going on what with you what what what's going on where 18 joints by yourself so what that's what you're supposed to do that's what the church

what's happening what do you want me to do here and drink fucking carrot juice what are you looking at nothing what are you looking at the window for

I'm not looking at the window I'm not looking at the window what the fuck are you looking at that window for I'm not looking at the window you set me up with the Russians who's Russians oh am I setting you up with them

yeah absolutely I am I gotta get out of here you people have a great fucking week I love you very much thank you for listening thank you for giving us love on Twitter and Facebook

thank you for giving Hulu love thank you for giving honest love and taking care of yourself that's about we're gonna take this fucking podcast to Jupiter we're going straight to the top with this motherfucker

but I need you people you follow me saying that you people make the whole fucking week go by stay black I love you hit me with the eagles again the second part

oh I got Fleetwood Mac ready alright I hit me with Fleetwood Mac but quickly another show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

and start watching your favorite hit shows right now go to the go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash joey

again click on the Hulu Plus banner at joeyds.net or go to huluplus.com slash joey you can go your own way you can go your own way you can call this another day you can call this another day

you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day

you can call this another day you can call this another day you can call this another day you can go your own way your go your own way tell me why everything turns around packin' up

checkin' up so you won't do if I could baby I'd kill tomorrow Open up, everything's waiting for you You can go your own way Go your own way You can call it another lonely day You can go your own way

Go your own way You can call it another lonely day You can call it another lonely day You can call it another lonely day You can call it another lonely day You can call it another lonely day