Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #061 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Monday, May 3rd..... This episode is brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & CBD Lion...... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com Promo Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Stamps.com Promo Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com Promo Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happened you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 3rd of May The joint is brought to you by DraftKings. Listen You know how much fun it is just to watch a sporting event With a little bit of money on it just to make a little bit more interesting I'm talking about 25 bucks 30 bucks just something, you know, listen this week. I didn't watch the UFC With Dominic Reyes, but last week I did and it was just a small bit on the under And I had fun and the game was more interesting this Saturday Two of boxing's most respected fighters will step into the ring to duke it the fuck out

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Uncle joey's joint is coming to you In full fucking effect. Let's start this motherfucker Check one two welcome to uncle joey's joint What's happening you bad motherfuckers, it's monday may the third a whole new month a whole new set of goals A whole new set of fucking priorities I'm feeling good tip top magoo I'm feeling good tip top Magoo had a great fucking weekend. You know, it's funny how when you gamble like

The other day I went to the gym And I get out of my fucking car and I look on the you know, whatever I turn around and I Look on the floor and there's a dollar bill on the fucking floor. I go what I pick up the dollar bill I get the last three numbers of the there's like ten numbers on a dollar bill I get the last three numbers and I play to pick it three times. It was like 723 my number came up my birthday number came out last Sunday, New Jersey 219 but it came out box it came out 129 that day I stopped and I bet 219 But I didn't box it the dummy that I fucking am

You know, if I if I got a minute I'll go over to pick place and I'll pick the fucking three numbers or four numbers or six Just is something to do, you know, that's what you do when you live in fucking Jersey. You play to pick three So I'm like, what the fuck? I gotta stop playing that. I played the fucking 219 Nothing fucking happened. Then I found the dollar bill at the gym I played 723 the morning the lunch number and the night number Straighten box. I got dick and then yesterday I go to fucking Saturday I went to a fucking

Kentucky Derby party at a great weekend. I mean we were out listen the house goes to bed at nine Here my what my daughter goes to bed 9 9 30 My wife follows her like quarter to fucking 10 and then I stay up from 11 to about 12. I'm in that area We've been out four nights this week. We didn't get home till fucking 9 30. I mean, it was just a great week a lot of action games You know, she won the fucking game ball on Saturday. We'll talk about that shit later But it was a full fucking week Friday night. We had a fucking game and then we had a dinner with the families We went over to fucking a pizza joint and we invaded this place You know pizzas and fucking chicken sandwich is the whole thing for the kids and then Saturday

We had a game and fucking after that. I went to a Kentucky Derby party like I said, so I'm shell shocked from the week Haven't picked the winner since the under of the fucking rose number Juma's fight to last week the 23rd So I'm sitting there all weekend. I'm not there was a game. I liked one night this week an NBA game I didn't put it out on Twitter. I fucking came home and I forgot about it and I fucking would have lost anyway So I was like, thank God. I didn't bet it. I'm the kiss of debt this week So I go to this Kentucky Derby party yesterday. I'm sitting and I go, you know what they're taking numbers They like that, you know, we could take bets if you want them So I'm sitting there. I look at the fucking lineup and again, I don't know nothing about these horses

I don't know nothing about trainers. I know nothing. This is what I say to you You know people who are very technical like if you ask Joe Rogan, like I don't know how many times We've been on a plane together had until UFC and I'll talk to him about somebody I want to gamble on and he'll tell me Why not to bet that guy and I'll believe him and then the guy the other guy will win Because Joe knows the fighters to the fucking he knows everything about fighters. He knows everything about boxing He knows everything about the trainers. So when people know that much knowledge They tend to bet and they lose because there's too much knowledge. You're betting on the fucking line So I don't know nothing about nothing. So I'm sitting there yesterday. I get the fucking booklet

I'm looking at I go. What's my lucky number eight? My mother died on the eighth. I Stopped doing blow on the eighth my daughter was born on the eighth as far as I'm concerned It's my lucky fucking number, right? So I go, let me bet the fucking eight horse and then Joe Florentine like the nine horse the hot rod Whatever the fuck it was. So the other thing was that the eight horse had a name Medina So I like that song funky called Medina and I have a friend called Sam Medina that me and my brother were talking about the other day So I said fucking I'll put 20 across the board on this number eight horse Medina And I'll put 20 across the board on the nine horse this fucking hot rod whatever and listen

It doesn't really matter if I win or lose. It's a hundred and twenty dollars. I'm at a party Who cares me and my wife and my wife took some horses. I don't know who the fuck she bet Next thing, you know, the race goes off and I'm like fucking sitting there. I can't see the fucking screen But then you know what the day I said, let me get up a little closer. Give it some luck I get up fucking ten feet and my horse is coming in. I'm like, come on the eight horses and come on That was just a lucky fucking pick and all sudden doom the races over the eight horse came in and the nine horse came in third So I won on the nine horse and the fucking eight horse Then after the eight horse one, I found out that the trainer was like fucking Belichick

He had broken he won fucking eight Kentucky Derby's and shit people looking at me like you knew I didn't know nothing I didn't know nothing. It was the luckiest fucking bet I've ever made in my life But that just goes to show you man. You never know what the fuck is gonna happen in this life You never fucking know, you know, right now I got I spoke to Ari this week I spoke to Rogan this week, you know, and they both gave me a little shit about not doing stand-up And I go, you know what there's nothing wrong with that because something good will come out from all this For you guys that don't know on my other podcast on patreon. I let them know on Friday that I had my first fucking Meeting with a book publisher this Friday, you know, how big that is

Do you have any idea how big that is? Like I didn't even know till after I got off the fucking phone And how big that was the last couple months. I've been over here. Yeah, we've been doing a podcast The zooms you guys don't like whatever the fuck, you know But we've been trying at least we're trying. That's all that fucking matters in my world You know when people say to you well, I'm not doing this because I don't know exactly how to do it We'll fucking do it and while you're doing it, you'll find the kinks and you'll work them out It's like the kids going back to school They should have been back in fucking school a year ago

Because like that we could we could have learned we could have learned what's really fucking happening here If you put ten kids together, they're gonna and then we go by we learn you close in the fucking schools And that let them go to school and saying that we got to figure it out. It's not gonna fucking pan out This is why I started doing the fucking podcast because I knew what loosened me the fuck up patreon It would loosen me the fuck up and I go back to the early seat last week Leave the podcast with somebody And he said some pretty interesting things on that lead and they were talking about

That throughout this whole podcast genre. Nobody gave enough credit to Brian Red Band Because Brian Red Band was the guy who really pushed these when Pod how podcasting started for me how I got introduced to it was In a window of time that I didn't know what the fuck was going on, you know 2007 I quit coke I quit cocaine But while I was in that process of quitting cocaine, I was also on my name is Earl Greg Garcia God bless his soul gave me a recurring role They were that was when Earl was stuck in the prison

With Ethan Supley, they were great. They were great episodes a couple weeks ago I had Michael Rappaport on and a bunch of you guys got pissed off at me. Whatever listen me and Michael Rappaport Go back to that season of 2007 with my name is Earl and the reason why Greg liked me, you know, whatever was because Mike Rappaport was pulling for me on the show While they were shooting Michael Rappaport would go. Hey, this would be a good scene to have Joey in it And they would call me at three in the afternoon and go Joey. What are you doing at like six? Can you stop by the set and just do a scene? That's how good they were to me But I was in a great position. I quit cocaine November 2007

I did two more episodes of my name is real in December and that meant that in 2008 I was going into a New fucking show. I was like they were gonna stay in the prison for the rest of the year a Lot of people don't know this fucking story. That's why I'm telling you the story a lot of people don't know this I was and I was so fucking excited because I go listen if I'm on a network show during pilot season for people who don't know pilot season used to be From mid-January to about May Late April I would usually get the call the end of March because I'm one of the ugly dudes They usually start with the leads and then the fucking other roles and then they pick the janitors and the fucking other people last

And that's when I would come in So I figured that if I was on a fucking TV show while pilot season was on I would maybe get put on as a series regular It was perfect. I was off the blow. I had a new outlook. I was excited Fuck this is great. Well, you put the brakes on the fucking car There's a fucking union strike. There's a rider strike So my fucking plans of January me being on a fucking show will wipe that the slate was wiped clean I was done the strike took over and it was heartbreaking You know, I mean I was listen if you want me to think that I was throwing things at wall now

It's just it's just a part of fucking growing up that you deal with as a man You go, what the what am I gonna do? There's nothing I could do here. There's a rider strike and after the strike came back They weren't gonna do but they weren't gonna be back in the fucking prison So I got fucked in pilot season. I got fucked out of sixth grade episodes of my name is Earl I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. I had a big transition period. So we're 2008 right now And the only thing I got going on really is Joe Rogan Joe Rogan is taking me on the road with him. It's me him Ari Duncan, you know red band at the time. We had a nice little click going I'd worked really hard, you know, I was

They wouldn't accept me as a stand-up even though by this time I was a regular at the store from 97 2007 all that stuff went down with Rogan and myself at the store and you know the guy that was running I forget what his fucking name was. So there was that was it. I wasn't at the store no more. It was 2008 You know by this time I Had done the longest shot I had done spider-man. I had done my name is Earl. I had done all this fucking work law and order SVU Taxi I mean the fucking movies were endless and the TV shows were endless, but you know what man? Nothing was working for me. It just was not working for me at whatsoever. I was

Lost I didn't know what to do. Like I said, the only thing on my compass was Rogan. Rogan was the lighthouse At least I had that every two weeks and don't get me wrong. I was putting my own little gigs together But I was really I was at the end of my fucking rope. I Don't know what else I could do, you know to win them the fuck over I have no idea what to do but while I was going on the road with Rogan at night We would finish up on the road and then we would go back to Joe's room and we would dick around and One night Brian's like let's just tape this, you know, and I'm like, what are you talking about tape it?

And we were taping it and I Started thinking I'm like listen man. We're taping these things and Who's home on a fucking Friday night at midnight 14 year olds? We're basically talking to 14 year olds. A lot of people don't remember this shit, you know, I was not Into it at all. I would hang out up at the rooms. Me and Ari would go up there and hang out for a little while And I just wasn't into this podcast thing. I wasn't buying into it And then I remember getting a call from Brian one day that They weren't gonna do that podcast anymore after the shows

because some kid that DMT and his mother caught him and He's blamed it on listening to it on Rogan with us that night and they actually called Rogan's manager people forget about this Shit, I don't forget about none of this shit. So I was turned off the podcasting like I'm like I'm see what I'm saying Do you see them fucking saying some fucking kid was listening at midnight on fucking Friday night? Why are we getting together on a Friday night at midnight? People are out doing blow eating ass doing drugs getting in trouble eating pills Fucking knuckleheads are home on a Friday night kids, you know, they're just kids. They're home They got no money to go out and you're gonna fucking pop up on their screen and they're gonna fucking, you know

So I was like, I don't know what the fuck I want to do but on the other side to stand up like I was good I was I was really fucking good at stand-up at this time But guys, it just wasn't working. There's nothing you could do sometimes People fall but between the holes, you know, I saw this whole Thing happened and it was so beautiful and I want to tell you how it went down fucking step-by-step So one of those nights I went out to dinner with my wife. I Don't know where the fuck we were we were at some fucking restaurant

And it was busy. They had a couple of valets. It was a place in Encino They had valets running and running. I forget the name of the restaurant to be honest here now I'm seeing it in my head and One of the kids came over to me. You know, they usually have Mexican valets This guy was a little Arab kid nice kid sweet kid came over to me. He's like Joey. You don't know me My girlfriend's a comic slash whatever She does a show on Thursday nights. We just tell stories

We don't want you to do no stand-up. There's no stand-up allowed You have to go up there and tell a fucking story and I'm like really This is weird. So I was struggling with my stand-up. I was a good stand-up But there was something missing from my stand-up It was the personalization of my stand-up. I was just doing one-liners. I felt like Rodney danger field I was trying to copy Rodney for a lot of people that say you resemble not resemble But your your comedy because I was trying to be Rodney for a long time I was in the middle of Rodney andrew dice clay bill Hicks

Prior I let you know those are the guys that affected me Lenny Clark. I love that style of comedy Paul Mooney so But I wasn't catching what they were doing the reason why they were successful Because they were connecting with the audience members. I was funny But I wasn't connecting with the audience big fucking difference I want you to think about that a lot of people don't even think about that you have to make a connection with that audience Funny is funny people laugh and on the way out they'll go He was a funny guy the second guy that went up before Rogan

But he's not making a connection like Rogan's making like Greg Geraldo was making like all these guys were making So I went and I it was like a Thursday night some bar It wasn't even a bar to be honest. It was a coffee shop Trying to correct myself it was a coffee shop that maybe sat 16 It was in the back of like a fucking restaurant and I went and I told the story And I remember getting in the car

After it I don't ask me what story I told I think I told I told the story about Maybe mr. Montini or something like that like I was thinking about 88th Street 205 And when I got off Remember she thanked me and I got in the car and I'm like that was interesting It was a funny story like I got laughs. It was interesting. I Guys, I wish I can remember the story that and I enjoyed my I was like that was fucking great, you know that I I got to tell a story instead of going up then just telling one liners

and About a week later. I got a call from the funny bones and they were trying to book me in a Couple clubs like they were like what we're trying to do is get Guys that don't sell out improvs and put them in funny bones And I was like that sounds great, but this was just brought me back to something that happened with Billy Gardell. I Remember going to Burbank one day. There was Starbucks to meet a guy to write and

As I was walking towards my car. There's a hamburger joint next to the Starbucks. It's a famous at Mel's Mel's burgers and on Friday nights That's where Jay Leno brings his cars and a bunch of people bring their cars like from the 50s And they they try to like do doop and all this shit. Anyway, it's got nothing to do with this I'm just explaining the restaurant to you motherfuckers if you ever in Burbank and you want to go knock yourself out But I saw Billy was sitting there by himself right before he got to show with the girl on CBS It had to be maybe three months before he got this this is a couple years before that and I

Saw him sitting there and I went Billy. What's going on? You know, I knew Billy from the comedy scene And he goes ah these fucking funny bones made me an offer It's not even worth fucking doing when you think about it, you know I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do when I go Billy It's just an awful bubble and then I had I didn't see Billy again and God bless me months later He got the show with Melissa or whatever her name is. I don't even know if that's her name McCarthy, I don't know and he became famous Billy Gardell

But now I was on that end. I'll never forget that when I was on the phone with The fucking funny bones. I was thinking about Billy years earlier And I fucking go they offered me like shitty money, you know for comedy I don't know if you guys know what money shitty money is it was like Wednesday through Sunday So that's Wednesday Thursday To Friday to Saturday and one Sunday and they wanted to give you 1200 bucks. No plane ticket Plane tickets were like 300 fucking bucks. So that means I'm clearing nine No commission, but you got to pay taxes. You're not really making any money. It's work, Joey

Be happy with it. By that point. I was like, you know what man? I'll do it, but cut Sunday and they were like we can't do that if we cut Sunday We need to cut money off the thing and I was like, you know what? This is something I don't even want to fucking do I'm having a great time going out with Rogan. He pays me well We eat well. He takes care of me plus. I'm around great comics when I'm with him. I Just do that. I'm not gonna get involved in this shit. No more fact. I'm gonna get a fucking job I'm not gonna do fucking stand-up around town

You know, I just moved to the valley in 2009. I got married. I moved to the valley And I was like I made a decision. I said, I'll tell you what I'm gonna fucking do I'm gonna fucking do stand up a couple nights a week You know a hundred here 200 here 50 here and I'll go on the road with Rogan But I think it's time to get a fucking day job Am I quitting to stand up? Not really, but I'm not doing this a hundred percent. I've got guys like Greg Garcia I've got friends that are writers that throw me stuff from time to time. You know, I was getting

You know, maybe four calls a year from friends. Just give me a fucking movie or a TV show Which is fucking better than nothing. So I figured fuck it. I'll just do that I'll get a fucking day job and I'll keep pushing, you know, whatever. I'll be a husband. I'll stay in at night more I'm not going to the store. You know, I'm not doing all these things. You know, I might as well just focus on being a husband focus on fucking

You know a little stand-up I'm gonna do and I'll focus on the job I'll trade it. I'll try to get a job selling something. So I put a resume together 2009 a lot of you guys don't know this. I put a resume together I've made up the phony college fucking the credits and the fucking, you know all the shit and I Went online and started sending out resumes to become a fucking salesman You know, I got a few calls back, you know, they weren't nothing. I wanted not to be a traveling salesman I want like to sell shit on the phone like to just check up on people whatever the fuck it was

Maybe you have an 800 line number for a fucking couch company and people call in with leads It's not like I'm cold calling people. I want to try different. I love selling. I love talking to people on the phone I don't give a fuck. So I sent out a bunch of resumes You know, I got nothing who the fuck's on a call a fucking 40 year old loser for a fucking kids job So nobody fucking calls. I said fucking I'll go back to what I know what I do selling fucking cars So I went to a couple dealerships in the area Walking distance from my house, you know me. I'm a lazy fuck. I Applied to the Ford store. I applied to I think it was a Nissan store

And I think there was a Toyota store and all three of them said they would take me But the Ford store really wanted me the Ford store was in love with me They were they were all in they liked the experience. It was a line of closer type deal They were gonna fucking make me a closer right off the bat, but there was a kink in the deal I had to give McLean your analysis That wasn't happening. I was smoking dope with three hands the revolution of dope was just starting to fucking happen and You know

I'm not I'm not fucking Quitting dope so the guys like listen just find yourself like fake piss or whatever Take the test pass it and they were even I mean they were willing to work around my schedule They were like we even let you go on the weekends and do comedy just come here during the week Put in as many hours as you can a lot of people don't fucking know this about me But there's two sides to this fucking story one day I got a call from Ari and He goes hey, man, do me a favor. I want to try this thing and the improv

There's not even booze being served There's no fucking money at all being paid. It's just an experiment. Would you mind doing it for me? Come down and tell a story. I Go what story do you want me to tell? I mean Ari knows a lot of my life. He was tell a story about you going to prison. I Had never I was fucking embarrassed. I had never talked about this Before you know, I was like wow I Go, all right, you know, I'll go down and fucking tell a story. I get down there Mark Marin's there And Mark Marin is telling a story about a concert and I go wow

So whatever story I thought about whatever portion I was gonna talk about the kidnapping and whatever I go fuck this I'm gonna go up there and tell a pink Floyd story when I took a hit of acid and when got pink Floyd tickets and the whole fucking thing And I went down and did it and felt great about it and when I got there and got off I think Steve Agee was there. It was me Steve Agee and I think that's how you say his name Steve a J. Whatever. He hangs out with Sarah Silverman and Mark Marin I went up after Mark and we told this pink Floyd story and Couple days later Ari put it up on YouTube and I'm like, let me take a look at it

I mean, I hate watching myself, but let me fucking take a look at this thing And I fucking took a look at this thing and I'm like, wow That's completely different shit than what I do on stage. I Gotta start leaning towards that. I Gotta figure out a way how to fucking lean towards storytelling on stage and This you know, this is the way to go to help my act But at that time I really wasn't putting that much focus and I'm like It might work. It might not work

What if I tell a story and people don't like it? How am I gonna come back from that? You know, I told the story about Finding my mother on stage one night on acid in some city when I was opening up for Joe It was a complete the story was great, but then I couldn't go anywhere from there I just bombed once you find your mother on the floor. There ain't no fucking place to go from there You know, they know Joe jokie. You can't follow that. You know I'm saying people fucking got tears in their eyes I'm like, what have I done? I'm trying to be funny here to tell this fucking story and people got tears in their eyes I fucked myself. So I'm like, how am I gonna make this fucking work? This was all like a process

So I'm like, you know, even though I don't want to be a stand-up full-time anymore I still would like to be a better stand-up. There's nothing wrong with be even better. You know So That calling me from the Ford store, you know, hey, well, how's it going? Are you are you staying clean? I'm like, listen, bro. I'm just weaning myself off from reefer. I'm not staying clean I had made some calls to figure out how to get fucking piss Everybody I asked everybody I knew got high It's not like I didn't know anybody who didn't get fucking high. So where was I gonna get pissed from?

You know when I lived in Colorado, I had a few neighbors that I would go up to them with the jar and go Pissing here for me, you know, and they would understand but in California people I didn't know who to ask you go up to somebody in California. You tell me you want piss God, can you imagine right now? Somebody fucking saying on a video? Yeah, 10 years ago. Joey Diaz called me up looking for piss I don't know what he was gonna do with it. That's a complete different fucking side. I didn't even ask anybody This is way somebody told me that they sold piss at head shops Fake piss and synthetic piss. I couldn't fucking find it. So I was like give me a couple more weeks And I'll try to get fucking clean off this weed and my numbers to go down. They calling me every fucking day

Can you please we need John DeLon? I'm like, holy shit. What the fuck have I done here? And in all this I still got Brian, you know, which is funny because I talked to Brian Thursday night this week and I called them because I was going through my computer and I found I'm gonna post a few things I found this weekend. I'm finally cleaning up a bunch of shit guys You know, I people keep asking me when can I get a PO box? I'm not getting shit because I'm still fucking putting away Shit, I just took a bunch of clothes upstairs this morning. I got up early and I fucking took a bunch of clothes upstairs that I found There was a bunch of shit that was going on right now and Red band we did I we did for a while there me Brian and Ari were getting together on my front balcony

And we were doing a podcast outside called podcasts. I don't know if anybody remembers that Podcast podcast podcast and we would just talk about fucking cats And I'm like, this is the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, but I got to do some with my life I mean, let's at least talk about fucking cats, you know, I got had nine cats at the time now I'm down to three, you know, they die over the fucking years. You can't take them. I wish they could all still be here But and two of them on their last leg. They just holding on to dear life But it's gonna be a sad day when they go and then they're two sisters and they were brothers with they were sisters was super bad But anyway, who gives a fuck about the cats. We're not talking about cats right now, but that's how it started

We did about six episodes of podcasts and I still I found what I found the other day wasn't the actual fucking podcast I found the notes I would make to talk about Calico and you know Fucking whatever blue and fucking Siamese cats and I found the notes. I'm like, I was making actual fucking notes for that I forgot all about that So Brian was still with the podcast thing like are you gonna ever do a podcast? I'm like, no, why? So if I smoke a joint on there I'm gonna get a call from some kid's mother that a 13 year old fucking OD on a joint because I smoked a joint on a fucking Podcast, that's the last thing I fucking need. So no, I'm not doing any fucking podcast. I refused

But all of a sudden I get another call from Ari And he's like, hey, we're doing that show again. Do you mind coming down? I'm like Really another storyteller show. Okay. This is fun. Maybe I'll get to do another fucking story And I wrote I don't even know what story I told him the second one again, it was back And then we were doing him in the annex. We weren't even doing him at the fucking improv That's why I give Ari all the credit in the world He got that show and he started it in the fucking annex with no booze It was people just sitting there no drinking no nothing. They didn't even have curtains up

It was just a fucking eight inch brick wall Not even the fucking bricks block it was a block wall no curtain no nothing I felt like I was going there to get shot like somebody was gonna ask me. Do you want a last cigarette? Like there was nothing there. So Just and I forget what story I told there And again, it fucking worked. I'm like, fuck it. This is great. The storytelling shit Is fucking great, you know And

I get a call from the Ford store dog. We need you. You got to come piss. So I said fucking I'll go down there And give it a shot. They go if you piss And if you fail, you can't get it. You got to come back in a year You got to wait a whole fucking year. So are you ready for this? I go don't listen I've been smoking the light lately. What's the light for me? Maybe a joiner to a day Compared to the 22 I was smoking for the last fucking 28 years Let's go give it a shot and I went down there and I pissed in the bottle And they were like, listen, you came back hotter than fuck

Your car salesman days are over with and I'm like Everything happens for a reason. I think the next day I bumped into Felicia Michaels at the coffee shop on cofax now I had met Felicia in 1994 At the comedy works in Denver She was one of the hottest comics working in the country at that time

She had just won star search. She had just posed and played boy You know, I was a young comic I mean, I wasn't a young kid. I was already an old long in the two 32 year old 33 year old in 1994 I'm clocking myself. Maybe 32. Yeah, I was born in 33. So 63 So in 94, I'm 31. Maybe 95. I'm 32 I had to be 32 and I was doing an open mic on a Tuesday night And we were in the comedy works in Denver and in Denver the headliner of the week

It starts headlining on Wednesday But they pay you extra money to fly in on Tuesday And just do a half hour for the open mic To draw people to the open mic So the open mic is gonna have an audience Which I thought was great and I watched it do a set And I fucking died a laughter and afterward I just went up to her

And I was like that was great. I had I didn't know of Felicia I had seen her on the MTV half hour comedy hour before And I was like, she's pretty fucking good and she's beautiful You know, I could be as honest as I can to you when I went up to her I didn't go up to her when any Thing of hitting on her or anything. I really went up to her to tell her that was fucking great, you know, and What do I I just want to ask advice in those days Whenever I saw a comic

I would always go up to them that I liked that I was kind of cool with And I would always go if there was one piece of advice You could give me, you know And I went up to her and I told her I like this set And it wasn't like hollywood shit where people don't make eye contact with you She made eye contact with me And she took the time like she was like you have to get on stage You know, don't worry about a manager or an agent

Don't worry about head shots Just get the real fucking patois of stand up, you know, just get up there That's all you got to do is just get up there, you know, and it'll come to you But keep getting up there. Don't get discouraged. She gave me such great advice that I was so thankful to her Like I was so grateful to her because sometimes when people give you advice they give you advice in a weird tone Like oh this again, you know, she didn't do that and because of that lesson that I learned from felicia When comics come up to me with advice, I don't Give them a third eye. I

Stink eye, you know I actually make eye contact with them and I I tell them what I think Is the perfect thing for them, you know, which which is just get on stage You know, all this other shit you tell you It's like when you talk to a foreigner and he's like, this is shit. This is pure shit. You know, it's the same thing It's like when you come up to me, you're like, I don't know what to do My my material listen get on stage

You're doing comedy three years. Guess what? Nobody gives a fuck I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that somebody gives a fuck Nobody gives a fuck. This is one of the best times of your life When nobody gives a fuck you go up then do whatever the fuck you want. You have a free fucking pass It's when you're doing comedy eight years that somebody will come up to you and go You've been doing comedy eight years and you're still playing the banjo with your teeth and you're like, I thought it works No, you know, when you're doing comedy three years, that's the beauty about doing comedy for three years You could do whatever the fuck you want. Nobody's gonna say something. Who's that dummy with the suit on?

Oh, he's an open mic. He's just a retard. That's what I'm saying. But meanwhile you're making fucking I knew that every time I touched the stage in the beginning That I was making strides like I didn't beat myself up I was I could be as honest as I can with you And tell you that my first two or three years of comedy I didn't beat myself up because I figured out it was getting on stage. It was a numbers game It's just numbers. Just keep getting in and let people make fun of you and let them say you suck Plenty of them said I sucked to me my own friends

My own friends that I grew up with would tell me joey Those jokes are fucking brutal. You know what that feels like. It's a heartbreaker, but it's a part of fucking life But I used those three years to my advantage like to just do whatever the fuck I wanted back to the fucking story at hand here so I bumped into Felicia in this coffee shop That was right by my house and I sat down with her and we started yakking and you know catching up and she had just gone through a divorce You know, she was lost. You know when you go through a divorce people

I have to pick sides when people go through a divorce Sometimes people are forced to pick sides Felicia was in a tough situation Because she was married to a big time comedy manager Comics a horse So if you look at Felicia and look at this comedy manager, even if that comedy

Manager wasn't your manager You didn't want a situation where In the future, you're going to get big and that guy's not going to be your manager because your friends with his ex-wife Do you follow what I'm saying to you? So when I bumped into Felicia from my conversation with her I could tell that She was grateful that I was talking to her because This divorce had set had pushed comics away from her in a way that made her like Standoffish just just the way it is in LA if this would happen anywhere else

People would still be their friend, but in LA god forbid, you know, this guy could be my manager someday some day I might have a big movie So I I spoke to her a few times and I go hey Felicia All these people are doing a fucking podcast Let's Give it a fucking shot And she was like, let's give it a shot. I mean, we didn't even know where to start guys. It wasn't like Nobody I called red band and I go red band. I'm thinking of starting a podcast with Felicia

What do I need and he gave me a fucking list of shit And went to the guitar center And we set it up in the house. There was no instructional manual There was no youtube videos. There was no ikea videos. There was there was nothing There was nothing. There was just there was no proof. There was no Joe Rogan experience The guy at that time when we started was the guy from the man show That was it

Mark Marron was rocking and rolling a little bit. Those were the two higher ups. There was maybe Maybe 300 podcast then there wasn't the 20 000 podcast there is now. There was nothing There was nothing to base yourself off of Really nothing We were just going in there myself and Felicia. I told I go the first Two months if you listen to beauty and the beast now It was just her and I just fucking figuring it out And I got to tell you I listened to one

Maybe six months ago. Oh It was fucking rough. You think the zooms are rough You should try listen to one of those beauty and the beast. You'll be running back to the fucking zooms. Okay, so It was fucking rough, but we kept doing it. But now At the same time the storytelling shit started picking up in la Ari's doing more storytelling shows The chick I know is doing more storytelling shows

I had picked up a small little thing my friend the agostino, which you guys know The agostino zo either the home school podcast He was a manager at the ha he was just a kid And we became friends and I had a deal with him that I would go over to the ha ha not get put on the lineup I would go over to the ha ha Every fucking night and close the show up That's how I made my comeback into comedy again. I wasn't really

This was done. I was gone. I was gonna go sell cars. I wasn't gonna do something completely fucking different But I was like I gotta give this podcast. There was no money Nobody was making money. There was no ads. There was nothing our first ad was fucking the sex toy company They gave us a hundred a month to sell dildos and shit like that. There was no fucking money. There was nothing Nobody knew nothing about nothing But all I know is we had a show up there every tuesday and I think we did it once a week or at the beginning We just did it once a week because we didn't fucking know we had nobody listened to it

Nobody was downloading podcasts. This was like fucking, you know the beginnings But we kept with it We kept doing it and doing it and we were lost We could not find the fucking voice of this fucking podcast But a funny thing happened on the way to the fucking circus see All this storytelling going around town Got me going and I would sit down every day and write a different fucking story

I would sit down every day and write a different story and I don't know if you guys believe me You go back with me this far if any of you motherfuckers could find my myspace Go on my myspace I wrote the monday morning blog for a fucking two years on myspace. That's how when you start When I start thinking about all this How this thing came about the last I've been sitting in this house for the last eight months thinking about How the fuck this journey started

Where and when did this journey pick up how I you know, and we've never covered this shit like people ask me all the time. How the fucking you know I'm giving you the answer. I didn't know anything about anything It's 2010 and I'm not selling tickets. I'm not I was getting better as a comic. I think I think I was in the transition period I was starting to tell stories and trying to do jokes at the same time I didn't even know what I was doing, but

Something else that I was doing came into that. I never told anybody. I think I mentioned it twice over the last 10 years on podcasts I looked within and I knew one thing I knew that I was funny. Let's get this out of the way I was funny. Was I the funniest guy on the block? No But even after doing stand-up at the 17 year mark 17 years Fucking

10 of them Being at the store the world famous comedy store I still didn't have it down As a good comic it didn't really I was trying to find the balance 17 years you're doing something 17 fucking years and you cannot find the balance That sucks But through the storytelling shows I started picking it up. I was eating big bags of dicks

I remember going out with josh wolf and we were laughing like Dog I've ate four bags of dicks this week. I went out four nights with him and I died That's why josh has a video. I think him and bill burr were talking about nobody bombs like me Oh There was a period where fucking I was just bombing And loving it and not caring because I didn't give a fuck. I'm I was experimenting This was all new to me, but I was

I don't want to tell you I was frustrated I knew I could improve so I didn't say nothing to nobody Every Thursday night when a comic came into town at the Irvine improv I would take a ride by myself smoke a number Park in the garage at the improv And walking through the back door and there was a little table on the side Where you could sit to fucking nobody even knew I was there The waitresses would say hi to me. I would just sit at this little side

and for a year I'm lying to you. Let's say for nine months Every Thursday. Maybe I missed four Thursdays in a year nine months I went to see a different headliner and watched them from the side watched them objectively Between you and I took notes I would bring a little notebook with me

I wouldn't make notes of their material not at all I would make notes of what their strengths were and how I could Be as strong as them that was On the ride home before I got in the car I would ride what their strengths were and on the ride home. I would think about What I needed to do to be like greg gerardo to be like david tell to be like fucking The elephant in the room the big black dude that I fucking loved. I can't think of his name patrice o'neill

To be like rich vars. I went down and I actually studied them. I wasn't going to the store I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't even at the store at that time And I went down there. So I was trying to get an idea Of what I wanted to do again This is at the fucking 18 year mark of doing comedy 2008, you know, I've been doing comedy since 91 So I was learning I yearned to learn. I fucking yearned. I'm like, I'm gonna get this

I heard mitzsche show once say that you don't know what stand-up is Till you're doing it for 20 years So I was like, you know what I'm gonna have to wait till 2000 fucking 11 If I'm gonna quit or not gonna do this, I'll wait till 2011 So even though while I was transitioning And not doing so much stand-up This is why I'm not upset right now That I'm not doing stand-up because even though I'm not doing stand-up

I'm putting a book together Which guys it's all I ever wanted to do the last 20 years I just wanted to have that thing author next to my name So since I moved in here, even though at times I feel like I'm not carrying my load The podcast isn't working All this shit isn't working. Guess what I'm doing. I'm sticking to a schedule. That is So great of me. I'm sticking to a workout routine

I'm sticking to a schedule in the last Since to surgery since january Eric and I have put together close to five chapters in a book And I don't know if you guys have been following my story on ryan sickler Those are some long fucking chapters. Okay, this book is gonna be fucking long as fuck They're gonna edit it as we go along You know, I spoke to the publisher And he asked me goes, why did you give up on your one-man show?

I go, I didn't give up on it. It gave up on me You can't fit that much material in 70 fucking minutes Unless I want to keep you guys there for three hours on a one-man show And that's not nobody is that special that you want to see him for three fucking hours tell a story There's no way it's an hour 10 and then your hemorrhoids starts to fucking burn and you got you already heard mine burning That's not a fart. That's a shared thing But what I'm trying to say to you is that's what happens. You start moving you start getting uncomfortable I don't want to do that. So I explained to him that the 70 minute mark wasn't gonna work. So

To get back to the fucking story here. I'm trying to tell you guys I'm trying to tell you guys Podcasting wasn't working for us. We weren't the top podcast We weren't making it happen. But something happened on the way to the dance It always does Always keep that in mind. No position Listen, unless you're at home and you're just watching tv all day And not trying then the odds are stocked against you. You're not gonna do shit

if you're sitting there if you If you want to write an album for your band if your band's waiting for you to write an album and you're sitting at home Watching tv it looks like that album is never gonna fucking come It's never gonna fucking come If you're sitting there making notes every day And you're struggling with it But you're sticking to it every day four or five days a week And even though you're struggling with it like the way i'm struggling with the guitar

I was really struggling with it But if you do it four or five days a week even if it's for 15 minutes Eventually something good's gonna happen I didn't get my my act was struggling The podcast was struggling and then something happened on the way to the dance Me and Felicia were going back and forth And what I was doing was I had Sirius in my car So when I would drive around I would drive around listening to Sirius

And I would go fuck, you know, I got to get the podcast To be more like the Sirius shows i'm listening to you know at that time it was Eddie tronk florentine Jim norton and uh, you know opien anthony I was listening to those guys And I was like I wanted to be more like that, but then I go what is it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Podcasting is podcasting Radio is radio. There's two different fucking things and if you look at what's going on in the world today, what's going on in life today Radio is not out doing anything anymore. I mean we got like maybe four hosts that you still listen to But podcasts are blowing up all these listen to podcast all fucking day long

And there's a reason for that and this is what I didn't understand I was trying to do radio on a podcast And if and it wasn't for the day That me and felicia were talking Maybe I had a bong hitting me. Maybe I didn't who the fuck knows And I'll never forget that she we had little things that could cover you like a spit guard Is that what you call them like a spit guard? I couldn't really fucking see anything

I couldn't see her And we were just fucking yakking back and forth about something And I told the story about mugging the hooker and lighting her wig on fire I don't know what made me say I thought about my friend and I'm like, hey, I ever tell you I had a friend that we used to use as a model and we used to put him out there and fucking you know

Guys like confused guys would fucking drive up to him And ask him if he could suck his dick and then we would fucking mug them You know we were talking about that and then I told the story about speaking of muggins One night we actually went into the city And while my friend was getting his dicks up god rest his soul We mugged the fucking hooker. We took her back to fucking jersey and mugged her and lit her wig on fire I'll never forget that I was so into telling the story. I was focused on the microphone I was telling the story and something made me pop up

Like and look at felicia And next thing I know is she was looking straight at me and her jaw Was had dropped And when I looked at her I go holy shit That's what a fucking podcast is her jaw dropped for a fucking reason

I was blown away. We kind of wrapped it up and Felicia you okay? She's like joey that fucking story kind of disturbed me It was weird. I don't know if we should put it up You know you're mugging a hooker and I'm like felicia There's radio and this podcast we got to bring this fucking pot. Just put it up Put it up if they hate it. They hate it if they want to come arrest me they'll come arrest me But this is what needs to be done. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I've been wrong before I don't fucking know everything

Let's put the fucking podcast up and sure enough Dog I started getting twitter hits It was crazy, but the real true test Of what had happened how two worlds had combined because that's what happened from 2007 To 2010 till we started the podcast Even though I wasn't focused on stand-up This is the weirdest thing. I was focused on different things And eventually it all came together and it made my stand-up that much better

But Once I told that story. This is the fucking craziest thing Guys I did the longest shot. It fucking was the number one movie in america You know, I mean when you watch it, you could tell I didn't know what I was doing But I still did a great job. I thought people were gonna come in the droves To come see me and stand up. I thought it would raise my statue as a stand-up It did dick

You know the my name is earl now we're on tv. I thought they were gonna do something for my stature Nothing nothing Nothing I did helped me nothing It didn't put me from a to z but telling a story About mugging a hooker and lighting a wig on fire So I told the story I didn't think much of it. You know, I got some twitter people

I got some messages that story was disturbing But I don't know if you guys remember when cat williams blew up Cat williams blew up because of one fucking joke And if you you got to watch it, it's the most disturbing Joke you'll ever hear in front of You know, he took it to his own. He took it to the african-american community And he said, uh, you know, you guys like michael jackson He's still sniffing little kids assholes or little kids booty holes or something and brother that fucking room

I think you have to go back to cat's first special And see the reaction that he got when he told that joke That's the reaction Whenever you do a fucking joke that we pray for you're not gonna get it That's the kind of jokes I want to write That you get that mixed fucking reaction because that mixed reaction Is what you take home with you and break down and now joey d is stays in your head Cat williams stays in your head patrice. Oh neil stays in your head

Uh bill burr stays in your head. That's the connection that I was looking for that. I didn't have So all those years through stand-up and through podcasting they met And the storytelling So between ari's storytelling the podcasting storytelling It met we became podcasters and that was the end of fucking radio And that's why we tell stories on fucking podcasts But on top of that Ari's this is not happening

Took off in a different fucking direction also Because people were sick and tired of that style of whatever People want to hear the nuts and bolts of your fucking life They don't and this is what i'm doing with the book. But the lesson today is That's most important on a beautiful monday May the third two days before Cinco de Mayo, even though I haven't seen a mexican. It's gotta be three fucking weeks I've not seen a mexican in this area. I don't even know where to fucking eat mexican food

There's a new taco stand that opened up that people are raving about But it's an hour and a half wake. Go fuck yourself. I ain't waiting for food. This ain't fucking avana cuba My point of podcast today was To let you know that right now even though I may not be doing stand-up And I may feel a little bit subhuman about myself and not doing stand-up I'm still making things happen and they're making me proud More than ever have I been this proud of as i'm doing right now. Yeah, i'm missing on stand-up And i'm not doing it. I am writing a couple of jokes

That i'm not gonna lie to you when and will I get back on stage? I don't know When I feel it your motherfuckers will be the first to know I'm sure that any week now one of these weeks now I'm gonna get a call from rich and jimmy and they're gonna go. Hey, I'm going to tips tonight. I'm going to uncle vinnies tonight I'm going to You know to go do a comedy the whatever sam triplet room and i'm going to say let me you know what? Let me go down there with you

And i'm probably going to start with a couple 10 minute sets Then i'll bring it back to uncle vinnies and go for the hour sets and then take it from there, but Whether that day's gonna come or not. I have no fucking idea. I'm hoping it comes For your sake and for my sake so we can connect But if it doesn't i'm still fucking making strides happen Because i'll tell you what? When they come back with you know, I think I got another meeting with a publisher this week So I think i'm gonna meet with three publishers. I'm not gonna tell you the names. It really doesn't matter

One of them the first one i met with is fucking huge. I'm very proud I'm very proud of my agent. I'm i'm this agent has the patience of a fucking monument Because he's been waiting for this book for seven fucking years We had our first meeting when I shot like mafia 2 Or something like that. We've been talking for six or seven years I've been trying to put this book together

For seven fucking years and I failed Miserably i'm not embarrassed to tell you this is part of it because you shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for help And that's what I did with erica florentine And this is why we made it this far so far with the book. I'm also writing a tv show with a friend of mine, Howard Whether it gets picked up. It doesn't fucking matter. I don't give a fuck about the money. Well, joey. Nobody's paying you. Who cares? I'm just trying to stay busy with writing the fucking sitcom writing the book

Working on the podcast eventually this will come back Or something else will come from it What it will be? I have no fucking idea. Do you see a crystal ball there? No, I need to do fucking eye So we're all fucking this together and that's my fucking podcast for today. It's monday The third of may what I wanted to tell you from before earlier and the thing was My daughter won the game ball on fucking saturday. You know why? Because the switch went off remember a couple months ago. We covered the switch

I just saw the switch go off in front of my fucking eyes and it was a beautiful thing. You know This move wasn't about me and it wasn't about my fucking wife. It was about my daughter I wanted her to have the childhood stories I had the childhood bonds That I had I wanted her to have all these little things And jesus christ what I'm watching happen Is something completely fucking different than what I expected You know, I watched her play. I don't know I watched her do five practices

five fucking games and You know, I watched the kid go It's like my first two years of stand-up. I was just going somewhere to do comedy It took me to come to new york in 93 to meet people like mike bachetti To go to these clubs to realize this is what I want to do and this is how I got to do it from now on I saw her Going and not rushing for balls No, pardon the fucking expri- you know to charging balls now. She's playing third base. She's charging

Pardon the fucking expri- you know to charging balls now. She's playing third base. She's charging balls I saw the other day on saturday Turn around and go we got two outs team. We got two outs I see her in the dugout in between fucking things Singing little songs with her girlfriends. I don't even know the fucking songs About we will we will rock you and all this shit and I see her grow and it's a beautiful fucking thing You know, I I'm happy that you guys Are watching me grow the last nine months on this fucking podcast seven months

Whatever the fuck we've been doing, you know when I got here. It was a rough patch. My mind was in a bunch of places But by writing by working out, you know, I'm working out four days a week now I'm 58 years old. I do two hard days I do two recovery days. I'm only supposed to be doing 61 weight-watching points. That's my goal for the thing I've been hitting 70 for the last three fucking weeks You know, I work myself up every week more and more and more and more So yeah, I might not be doing stand-up, but I'm making strides in different part of my life. My marriage is great I'm having a great time as a dad, you know last night. I went out to dinner

Saturday we went out to fucking the party Sunday they had something in the daytime a kids part had two kids parties in the daytime And then we went out to dinner Sunday night with one of our neighbors across the street to a great little japanese steakhouse. So Listen guys, uh, I'm getting better every day. I'm getting stronger every day I am down to a bowl of reefer a day now I know some of years are not going to believe that And it's not even before two o'clock. I've been smoking lately At 10 30 at night before I play the guitar. I get nice and stoned

You know, I I had to switch it all around I put my 35 weed away and I turned it all the way back To 26 percent. I'm doing this. Listen guys. This is uncle joey fucking 2.0 here You know, uh, my wife told me a day something that I did not even have a clue on We're gonna have a guest on and in a couple weeks And him and I were talking about my coffee intake My coffee intake used to be a cup of coffee for breakfast Then after the cup of coffee, I would jam two expressos

Then about two o'clock in the afternoon. I would do like three fucking expressos And then at the quarter eight every night, I would do four expressos You know, thank god I was using stevia and not fucking real sugar And and putting a Cuban coffee together. Thank god. I'd be 800 pounds That's not the point that coffee was feeding my anxiety I realized that when I was doing that afternoon cup of coffee and then, you know, an edible was Not far around the fucking corner. So between the edibles and the fucking coffee My anxiety and between the fear I had a covert and all this shit

My anxiety was to an all-time fucking high You know, my wife told me on thursday last week. She has an ordered expresso since october Because I stopped drinking coffee all together. What happened was wednesday night I went out to eat with the kids with jim florentine his kid and my daughter And I got a double expresso at like 8 30 at night And the next day I realized I didn't fucking sleep. I'm like, what the fuck happened last night? I took my fucking, uh, you know, my melatonin. I took my cbd lion melatonin gummies fucking tremendous

I took this I took that and I didn't fucking sleep. I want the fucking expresso I told my wife the next morning. She's like, show it I go Terry, I could drink a flat white at a quarter of midnight And being better 12 30. I wouldn't sleep, right? Obviously. I would obviously wouldn't get grim sleep But do you know that I drank a double expresso at dinner wednesday night? And I slept like shits when I told my wife that she goes show you slept like shit You haven't drank expresso. I go wait. I forgot all about it I go, what are you talking about? She goes joey

You were drinking close to fucking eight expressos a day. I was restocking That the little container where we put the little single thing. She goes, I was restocking it every two days She goes, I haven't never mind restocking. I haven't even ordered expresso since october You stopped completely And you know, this has just been a process guys. I was just knocking out this anxiety Just so I could be stronger and I could do this. I was having a lot of fucking problems You know, listen to my stomach. That's intermittent fasting. I'm telling you I'm coming at you for more fucking directions. Anyway Thank you very much for listening. Now, you know the

Story of my evolution early on with the podcasting and the storytelling. It just wasn't there even at 17 years Of doing stand-up. I was still struggling people know who I was I'd done cds and whatnot, but This is just food for thought to tell you guys You got to keep pushing. You never know what's gonna fucking you sitting on the couch wishing Ain't gonna do nothing for you. I'd rather you work on something an hour a day And after 90 days, you'll see what's going on and that'll excite you the way I'm excited now now I can't wait to talk to erica later on today. We're gonna, you know

Now we're talking three days a week because now I know I have something that a publisher wants So hopefully by the end of the year, we'll have this book ready for you motherfuckers and uh This'll all come full circle and who knows when I'll be back for stand-up. But listen that doesn't mean I gave up I'm just taking a breather off So my family could have some fun. Have a great week. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart Thank you for watching uncle joey's joint Monday the third and I'll see you motherfuckers on synco to my oh Tip-top motherfucking magoo now for a word

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