Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #87

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode is brought to you by Hulu+, with Hulu+, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want, binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL and more. Right now our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu+, by going to huluplus.com Slash Joey, again at huluplus.com Slash Joey. Hey documentary, get your shit together, Lili Leland here, and a little fucking zombie feeling on Monday, kick that motherfucker Lee, kick it Lee, hit it, oh shit Lee, hit this motherfucker.

Starting point is 00:01:10 Is this Rob Zombie? This is like zombie? I think it's called white zombie but not how it's Rob. Are you kidding me or what? Look at you burning shit, you ruining the record. It's Monday, June 10th, get up, drink some coffee, some push-ups, wash those fucking nuts, scratch them and smell your fucking fingers. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive here, on the church of what's happening now.

Starting point is 00:01:36 What? All right Lee, enough for this American bandstand, cocksucker, what's going on baby? Every time I turn down the music, where's the music go? I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it,

Starting point is 00:01:55 I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it,

Starting point is 00:03:12 I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, Friday, like I said, I got a lot of love from Auntie Dolores, and it's not because she makes great fucking edibles, it's because the story that went behind it, and she's just not up there fanning her pussy, you know, she's up there fucking working, she was in LA for a week doing demos, that's where they go to a weed store and just cut fucking edibles and give away to free, free to people, to let people know what it's all about, so I advertised it on Twitter, I was going to be that one from four to five,

Starting point is 00:03:51 and how many fucking edibles can you eat before you see purple? And I went down there and she gave us a fucking bag, I mean this bag was filled to the top. Yeah, that's a big bag now. That's a big bag. When I went over on Saturday, what happened? I had it this Friday, I gave some to the ice house, I ate some yesterday at Ralphies, these are the cheese crackers, these are usually 180 milligrams. They're still 180 milligrams.

Starting point is 00:04:13 You get two cookies for 180 milligrams, 90 milligrams a piece, so this is probably 30, so this is what I'm saying to you, fuck up. No, that's not 30. You also get the caramel corn, which is delicious, you also get, look at this shit, pretzels and peanuts for beer, these fucking peanuts will fuck you up, you also get this combination, which is caramel corn and pretzels, caramel corn and peanuts, which is like cracker jacks. Yeah, you were trying to give it a cracker jack, so like let's mix them all together and we'll do cracker jacks. That's right, let's mix them all together and we'll do cracker jacks.

Starting point is 00:04:43 Let's mix them peanuts. No, we just have some. Then what the fuck, guys? We just had some. We just had some. You gotta finish your piece now. Well, how the minute? Well, come on, finish it.

Starting point is 00:04:51 I literally just had it. Give me two minutes. Well, you gotta get the party. You gotta get the blood going. The party is starting. You have to do some jumping jacks to get the THC kicking into the fucking bloodstream, so I want to just give a shout out to Auntie Dolores and what she does. Go to her website if you're in California, Denver, all the fucking states that are smoking

Starting point is 00:05:08 with three hands. You see Auntie Dolores, you get the fucking peanuts, you get the caramel corn, is delicious. You got a nephew that's kind of fucking retarded. He's eleven or something. Bag of his fucking popcorn let the pieces fall what they make fuck that little retired a cock-tucker So You know, I'm sick and tired of people there's no business last Friday I went to a call last Wednesday to the club club VV Okay, and Pomona, there's 200 people in there

Starting point is 00:05:39 You know why why because they work with the fucking public they had happy hour They had tacos for a dollar that you follow me once you let people know that there's a fucking recession and shit's going on And you give them a deal, you know, they're still doing buckets for six dollars They're still doing two dollar beers during the comedy show that 200 fucking people in there. Yeah, we went to Morton's the other night Before your daughter's baptism and they had like a like really cheap happy hour at the bar like it's like a fancy Oh, I'm one. Yeah. Yeah during the week. You gotta you can't everything can't be way to you smell this fuck Smell it

Starting point is 00:06:16 You know whenever you see sour cream and black beans and you put them together in something There's gonna be a problem. Oh, you're Mexican food last night. I had Chipotle in the afternoon Oh, my wife so it's been cooking for a while. Oh, no cooking in my asshole, and I had black beans and sour cream I fought it this morning And I almost slipped the book. I thought I had jerk go you would jerk off in a show on your toe catches a sperm And you fucking slip like that. I don't do it in the shower I live alone. I do where I want I can do it right here. You're a filthy fucking you're a filthy fucking what you tasted Just like do wherever I want. I don't do it in the public area. I don't do it on the couch

Starting point is 00:06:50 I fucking hope not you filthy fuck Why you come in every time anytime I ever talk about a girl you're on the time you grab a tip You're gonna pretend man What does he cause with this girl Ashley again people? No pussy Ashley. He goes it's over I told you Bill Cosby was great. I don't care what you say didn't touch her leg He didn't go for it I asked me to see kiss on the cheek to thank you for gas right there at the end of the night Oh, she paid for taking when she goes to kiss you you got to grab that she didn't not grab it like a fucking runaway slave

Starting point is 00:07:20 Just like touch it with your thumb just you feel the nipple when you go to grab her at a hugger You rubbed that thumb against the nipple women love that show they don't just they do if they don't do it They think you're fucking they think there's something wrong with you They love it for you because your uncle Joey, and you're adorable Look at this fucking face look at these teeth. They're all fucking yeah, and they love it You're a 24 year old fucking sucks done filled with gum. I'm an old fucking faggot. Look at me You know I'm saying I'm like Liberace before a young kid came over Because it was awesome. He wasn't good. He was who did two hours

Starting point is 00:07:55 He did two sold out shows. It's gonna be a comedy central special. I don't he doesn't need my advertising, but it was That was the first special I ever had I had himself the one where he did the dentist bit on VHS I love it, and my dad, and I still do that joke like did the my lip up is on the floor, and it was amazing He go cocksucker take the other Joey told me on on Saturday. He said What mind your business why are you gonna drive down there in traffic eat an edible listen to the album? It was awesome Excited and eat that edible. That's all you need to fucking do is eat that other better boy What three joints we haven't even smoked me joint. I only had I only had one joint

Starting point is 00:08:41 No, a super fucking blue dream. This is not the first joint That's and I took a joint of roaches. I had this is the same joint to keep regenerating. Yeah, no No, that's the first one. That's the second one. I got two more up here bat Look at these motherfuckers. These are Boston Red Sox tight bats and eat the other boys do this right real quick Eat the whole fucking thing You had a little tiny peek and I'm watching you you think you're a major eat that right now I'm watching you come to that. I already had it because we cut it in half perfectly. It's 30 milligrams perfectly Let's go. Come on. Why don't we have to cut in half you're fucking been doing I swear to God

Starting point is 00:09:25 I'll throw this fucking knife at you. I'll kill you live on a fucking podcast on you I'll do 30 years because they got me on tape. I swear to God eat the fucking thing and stop crying You know, I make it to work tonight. I'm gonna charge you Grand Rapids, Michigan The dead squad people all over the country would fucking eat that and there's two people come on What about the other piece this ain't dice cock sucker? Look at look look at these guys He's gagging and shit. I guess he was look at that's the best that money goodbye. That's lady good dive Yeah, but it's filled with weed. He thought that's not filled with weed. It's 10 milligrams of fucking weed It gets smaller each time

Starting point is 00:10:01 First it was 30. No, it's 10. Then it's one that is made a million cock sucker. Look at this. Look at this It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Monday. Where's Tony Bennett cock sucker Look at look he's sick. Fuck. I don't like these the weed I Can't taste the fucking Burger King cock sucker. Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to eat. Yeah This is why you're doing you think I'm funny somebody Delicious that chocolate Get up cock suckers jumping jacks. This is gonna be bad. Somebody you love somebody loves you. You miss them light a candle

Starting point is 00:10:55 Let them know let a candle for me, please. There's no way I'm surviving today We still have another piece. No, we don't We used to do with me. Are you fucking kidding me? It helps your comedy activity Tony Bennett 19 Home I places dig I'm gonna get arrested for DUI I wanna be around are you fucking kidding me? Is anyone like that you want to see I know I don't know if it's different for comedy But is there like any musician who you want to see it's a bunch of people I want to say listen, let me tell you first of all

Starting point is 00:11:36 I want to tell I woke up last night at 3 30 in the morning thinking about my buddy who died used to Sunday Just thinking about I used to call me dick That's it. He was already calling dick dick as he was saying was a dick He would call me dick big rubber dick. You're gonna come with me in a big rubber dick. He used to call me dick I was just thinking about him. So That song goes out to him today. I miss him a lot Jimmy Birkle. So I was just thinking it's so weird How you have these people in your life these stupid fucking people you giggle with, you know And you crack jokes with and you call them once a week and you say stupid shit to them and one day they die

Starting point is 00:12:14 You know, you don't really think about it. You just live your life. And all of a sudden you're like fuck He was important or she was important in my life. You know, I wasn't fucking Grabbing that titanum, but they're my friend was yesterday like an important day with you and him or like well No, no, no, yes, that went to what I went to Ralphie's mates kids of a birthday party was fucking awesome Oh, yeah, it was awesome. It was really awesome. Ralphie knows a valet park on the bottom of the hill They had a mule there the kids were writing little horses Ralphie's got a little boy who could possibly be a fucking killer August could possibly be a little fucking savage. You think so? Yeah

Starting point is 00:12:50 The little girl's really cute. She's a five but August turns four and he's you know, you ask him what the disguise I say he goes he's a cocksucker, you know, he's really cute, but I hug him. Yes, I grab me Some you fuck You talk to me you call me mr. Diaz. You understand. He's like, yeah, I don't give my daughter a kiss You're a new fucking bodyguard that's your little cousin. He gave her a kiss and he hugged her and shit We and him a partners now partners. That's it's gonna be like her older brother So Ralphie had a catered Mexican. He had hot dogs Hebrew national. I must add three fucking hot You know, it's amazing how you go to a thing people cater it and I didn't give a fuck about the Mexican catered for

Starting point is 00:13:31 I had the three people national hot dogs that were delicious. Uh-huh with mustard little raw onions. Oh Oh, I was telling you I just got into raw onions Did you yeah, I know what a fuck you've been all your life. I don't know 24 years Oh, what I think when you're a kid at least for me like I you you figure out what you like and you just like for the rest of Your life, so I don't like that and like there's no reason for me not to like it So like the other after the live podcast we met at In-N-Out and got like a like a single cheeseburger Which for you people who lose them wait, let me tell you something about it now If you eat a single cheeseburger without the magic sauce, yeah, but a raw onion

Starting point is 00:14:08 It's like eight or nine points. You even half one of those fries, which I don't like anyway No, the fries are gross. So if you eat a cheeseburger from that I'm diet coke. It's ten fucking points. It's not too bad So yeah, so no, no, it's finally like I had a headache at midnight. She said do you want onions? I said, uh, whatever fun, and it was delicious delicious, and I got onions as fucking delicious I put it on a salad and tuna recently and it's like I like this so it's far Oh, no, no, it's great. No, no, no wait till I take it to that Cuban place again Criollo Oh, that was a thin steak. Yeah with the black beans and rice. That's what yeah, and I haven't cut some onions up That's what they put them I had that's what I had to put on the fucking rice. It was delicious the raw rice

Starting point is 00:14:48 You're gonna call in that number, right? Yeah, yeah, call me in that number about you know, whatever 635 is all right, I appreciate you doing this So I love you Yeah, this is behind the scenes. No, so it was a Father said I was already hitting me. So I'm good for about another 10 minutes You asked me a very interesting question, and I got to be a strictly honest with you about it Which one I don't know too many people went to more concerts than I did when I know yeah, okay? And I got to be honest with you. It was like I did them

Starting point is 00:15:24 a Four to get the fuck out of the house, you know, I'm like you I like to get the fuck out of the house Yeah, and be to maybe be a cool, you know, maybe to be cool in those days Whatever the fuck it was, you know, yeah after concerts I went to I could be honest with you It wasn't the concert as much as the journey Yeah, I was like get over there like that not even the no no no the bust into the city. It was snow We made the last bus. Okay train into the city. We got into a fist fight somebody I hit with a fucking ghetto blaster in the head Now today and today a something happened when I got to be like 27

Starting point is 00:16:03 28 something just happened I went to see fucking the dead in San Francisco I want to see Sylvester in San Francisco that gay black guy that sings you make me feel mighty real I want to see a lot of people in small venues to be 52s. I've been to large venues, you know, like I've never seen guns and roses That's one band that I stopped going to concerts after that like 87 88 That was it now if I go to those things no matter what I go. It's a fucking chore. Yeah It's a fucking chore. I had great seats for the Lakers this year and the day that I had to go to Lake again I didn't want to fucking go. I was stuck. It was like I'd rather be home. Yeah, no, it's uh, especially stuff like that

Starting point is 00:16:43 That's why I've always loved stand-up. I don't know why like I Like it was in Cerritos, it wasn't in like it wasn't I'd like the stable center and I Just always love stand-up like it's not there's not people walking around with concessions It's like you said you're sitting down to watch someone and when you go to see someone like Bill Cosby or anyone like that like They're good. I like anyone was there to heckle them and He got a he didn't have an opening act He came out got a standing ovation and did two hours on one subject And it was like Steve Simone was there. I didn't we probably sing in different areas, but it was just

Starting point is 00:17:20 How'd you know Steve Simone was there? He was the one who told me about it He was one who told me about I think he's out of town. No, no. Yeah, I talked to him I we tweeted afterwards. He was there, but uh, he He did two hours on one subject. He's 75 years old. So I don't know how much longer I mean, it's sad to think that sold out both shows He I went on his tour and said he's he's touring three days a week He's gonna be in Vegas in San Diego, but the tickets in San Diego are like 400 a pop So and this was like 55 last night. So I got the Jewish special, but it's amazing that I talked to you and you're such a

Starting point is 00:17:55 fan I love it. Let's get something straight. I never went to a stand-up club to the night I got on stage really Oh, that's never never. That's like eight of my first dates. I love stand-up number two. I hate Me at my point in this point in my life, and if I tell people they're gonna be pissed at me like I hate theaters I hate fancy places. I'd rather you motherfuckers come see me at a dingy fucking strip club with no strippers Yeah, put the light on me. Let's get them two dollar fucking drinks and let's get fucked up for two hours and no pressure on me I'm gonna give you the best show of your fucking life. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna give you the best show on my life I'm gonna give you one of those shows like the night when I taped the CD

Starting point is 00:18:35 You know, it's either you or the priest where I was relaxed. Yeah, 150 people. I didn't give a fuck You know, that's what I'd rather do. I much rather have a Smaller venue where I get connected with everybody, but the clubs don't want that because they don't make money For me, that's my fucking dream. Now. Let me ask you this good I I'm personally not a huge drinker and it it sometimes takes me out of it at the clubs with like the waiters and waitresses This was at a theater. So there was no drinks I'd almost prefer to pay a little bit more and have nobody have no drinks around with that be cool Cuz that'd be cool. I it doesn't that be cool with me

Starting point is 00:19:14 Yeah, I rather you eat your fucking meal and get three cocktails left there and that's it The doors are locked and it's you and us for three hours. I came up in a different system I came up with gentlemen We were 513 year olds and one 14 year old in the room listening to prior with George Carlin And we would sit there stone to the gills giggling. I want to bring it to the same type of level Yeah, that's the level. I like my comedy. That's why when we discuss doing the CD the DVD It's got to be some more small and dingy. You know, I'm bricks behind me I don't want to stage with a fucking curtain and glitter and people clapping and people which suits on

Starting point is 00:19:55 I want motherfuckers with leather jackets on and Holly's and fucking, you know, yeah, I want real people there I thought a lot about you last night because he he came out and like you always say what we've been talking about the DVD And he said just from here like the chest up. He sat down. He didn't he stood up like twice He just so he sat down and it was just It's like kind of like you like you commanded attention and I could just imagine I mean in 20 years or well 25 years, it'll be his age and I don't see you wanting You might not be touring every weekend, but you know, you're not gonna want to stop getting on stage

Starting point is 00:20:32 Yeah, I'm the only jerk off that doesn't have something to say But you always want to have something to say like right now I have something to say I have to talk about my baby being born. Well, I think yeah, you know Do I really think I'd be at this point in my life? I'm fucking me 50. I never thought, you know, these are the things I gotta think about But I really don't want to talk about but he's such a fucking genius. Yeah, he knows how to bring it to fucking life No, no, no, you know, and I should go to more things. I just get so caught Lee I slept this weekend. This was the first week. I had nobody around. Well, you've been on the road a lot

Starting point is 00:21:03 Yeah, you know five six weeks and then I had the people in town Then I had my other nephew in town and if he's not in town, I'm doing a bunch of fucking county This was the first week. I did one two three sets You know, I went to a couple jiu-jitsu. I went to a couple kickboxes. I wrote every day You know, I have my daughter in the mornings I stopped walking in the morning because I realized that my knee pain Was from the walking even though I put on the fucking sneakers Or the strong bone has really kicked in. Well, the cement. Yeah, that's cement. I got those those fucking

Starting point is 00:21:35 New balance taking the new balances. So I figured that that helped a little bit But you know what happened and the strong bones kicked in Two three fucking weeks and now that me I'm going to dr. Tuesday Anyway, the city's got to say to me Because maybe it's arthritis, but at least it's not the knee pain. I had two fucking weeks ago So I didn't destroy once the strong bone. That's why I do it in intervals. I don't stay out a year around I do it in intervals because It's like smoking the same weed every day every day. You're not going to get as high as you did on Monday

Starting point is 00:22:06 You know, how you feeling? How's that a bokak sucker? This guy better calls in because I'm I'm about to be you're beautiful. You're fucking beautiful. There's nothing wrong with you You're a fuck with some music for your uncle joey. All right. All right, something whatever. What time is that? I don't give a fuck 6 25. I don't give a fuck. Let's do something Oh, shit Get up It's a beautiful beautiful beautiful day to be alive. You have to world by the balls man with your 25 or 50 Guess what? You're in the united states. You can do whatever fuck you want today

Starting point is 00:22:35 Today today not tomorrow not wednesday today get up right your goals for today You gotta do this you're gonna do that. You're gonna stab Lee hit it. Lee hit it. Lee hit it from boston. Here you go Uh I don't know why we don't want to read every every show this wasn't planned but red seems to be like the uh Like the color of the show like our eyes get red and we're taking fucking monday. It's monday, baby It's monday. It's a fighter's color. It's a fighting color. You got to get out there and grab that motherfucking fight over the neck Eddie bravo. I was gonna say yeah a nice this fight with holler Gracie. I think it's the Gracie. I'm sorry if I pronounced the word Wrong, you know, I've been smoking dope since 4 30 this morning

Starting point is 00:23:36 But my friend Eddie Bravo went to eat a I met him the other night friday night Yeah, I met him at the taco stand by the haha there across the street By the hot dogs. He didn't want to eat nothing. Uh, I had two tacos and talked to him about a little bit Told me how to get ahold of Mike doce and get his nutrition up to par and shit Oh, shit. How long I've heard the stories, but when did he do the last fight? Do you know? Is it like a decade? Is it no or something? So, yeah, they're gonna tighten it up and they're gonna go for anything to do in san diego So we'll all be oh cool represent that. He fucking bravo. Eddie bravo was a good fucking dude

Starting point is 00:24:09 I love the debt and all that shit By the way tonight, I don't know if you people know it. I don't know if a lot of kids care or give a fuck tonight I think it's nights of 30th anniversary of when the uh The fucking philadelphia 76 is swept the lake is uh, you love it Moses Malone and Julius Irving So tonight out of respect for strong island from Roosevelt long island. They're gonna do a documentary On Julius Irving. I've been waiting for this for years. Is it a 30 for 30? No, no, no It's on the mba channel. This is strong on 30. This is Julius Irving

Starting point is 00:24:44 And uh, you need to whole new series. This is this is Julius Irving And for you people who don't know you just don't know, you know, they talk about LeBron James They talk about this guy and Michael Jordan. Listen, they want to be known these motherfuckers if there was no Julius Irving And I got to see it. I got to see it, man. I got to see it That's so uh So yeah, was that the game you went to with the guy who showed you the hooker or whatever? Yeah, I went to see listen. I want to see A couple net games

Starting point is 00:25:13 Yeah, it was a net. Okay with super john wiliamson and shit and and billy pulse and that cheeseburger and oh my god The aba was a bunch of black fucking gangsters That slam dunked they had a three-point line You know what's that documentary about the aba like john barone was a miami floridian He played for the miami floridians. Oh, I didn't know he was pro Fuck yeah, dog. So a lot of people from the mba larry keenan artist gilmore Oh my god, fucking the other guy the iceman george gervin san antonio spurs There was only like 16 like when the aba ended it was like maybe six teams. It was the

Starting point is 00:25:55 Kentucky wizards, I think the fucking uh san antonio spurs the new jersey nets It was only a couple teams That's why when they asked julia serving last week on san antonio who you pulling for because I gotta be pulling for san antonio They're the old motherfucking spurs They had this dude called the iceman george gervin. Yeah, my god. They had uh They just had these flamboyant black bad motherfuckers But one of them was julia serving and I remember coming home and watching him play basketball, bro It was uh, it was at a time when I got left back

Starting point is 00:26:28 Okay, so eighth grade it was seventh grade seventh grade the first time and I just got left back And I had I had played basketball, but I was never really like an avid fan or watching it and uh I just watched the next one day and I couldn't believe this black dude with an afro In the way he would slam dunk and jump all the people and the way he command. He was just a gentleman Then the biggest news ever was the aba folded and he went to the 76ers And new yorkers were fucking pissed. I talked about it when I was on stage how long on people froze Was he was he on the new york aba team or something? He was on he's on the new york nets

Starting point is 00:27:06 The nets were aba team. Okay, and the nets fucking got rid of him to get money to stay in the nba So the sixes paid six million dollars for him at the time That was the highest paid basketball player of all time and he took the number six His number was originally 32 when he was a net But when he went to the sixes he turned it into julia serving number six And if you go on youtube man, look at julia serving's top 10 slam dunks Okay, you got to see this the one against the lake is when he cups it I was seeing that you were there

Starting point is 00:27:38 I was there I was there The sixes were getting two points at home On a fucking tuesday night or something something just obscure I was going like glass burrow stayed at the time. I wasn't really going down there. I was going down there stealing I was helping a buddy with roof and I was getting like 12 50 So I'd go down there three days a week and roof and hang out with curt de lorenzo and a bunch of savages And I'd stay in north bergen a couple of three days and one night curt said we got to go to six of games

Starting point is 00:28:06 In those days with the sixes scored on in 25 points You got a free hamburger really at the local on the way out. You got a cupo and you could your ticket stuff You got a free fucking cheeseburger. Is it worth is the uh audio worth playing or no? What's that? I have the thing Oh, that's nothing but it was uh, he did it he jumped up and he went behind the like the glass You were there for that. Where were you sitting? I was sitting up in the stands. I didn't have good tickets We scoped tickets the night of yeah, this is and I knew and I if I'm lying I'm dying people if I'm lying. I'm fucking dying I knew in my heart the sixes wanted to win the championship that year. I just knew it. They were just too good

Starting point is 00:28:52 Moses Malone 83 Was just too good he Moses Malone could take shack Take him and stuff him in the fucking basketball Went right from high school right to the fucking pros Moses Malone is who taught a king elijah on how to play the game of basketball Moses Malone if you look at his stats when he was a houston rocket He used to double he used to he used to score 29 points a game and 20 rebounds per game as a center

Starting point is 00:29:21 He would fuck everybody up. He was dumb as fuck. It didn't give it. It didn't matter. I'm not insulting him I'm just saying what he was. He was a big country black motherfucker from up there in tallahassee florida somewhere And you did not want to mess with that motherfucker and he had brothers and where's he from well I don't even know. I might say he scored 27 000 points over his career. He averaged 20.6. He averaged 12 rebounds And uh, he had almost 2000 blocks. He had this 50 50 percent field goal percentage 77 percent free throw tremendous for a center. He was uh, don't even make him like that no more That's when you had him you had jabbar you had fucking bobbling here and he was a b a b a who do you play for in the Utah stars Utah star who the fucking these all these savages for all a b a plays and then he went to the saint louis team

Starting point is 00:30:13 And then uh when the they merged he went to the houston rockets trailblazer first One of these average up there in the trailblazer. Does it say when he was in houston was when he was fucking motherfuckers up Oh, yeah, he was in houston from 76 to 82. Yep And from 82 he went 83 he went over to the fucking philadelphia 76 is tremendous But listen, if you get a chance tonight make sure you watch julia serving the doctor Makes a mother for listen whenever he'd steal the ball on the fast break. Yeah, and he'd go to slam dunk at Brett must burger would go the doctor is making a house call

Starting point is 00:30:49 Jesus What's up, baby What's happening joey, you know me dog trying to put the pieces together over here with the flying june on monday morning. How you doing? Good What's going on? What's this room? I heard you were in black belt magazine last week Yeah, yeah, we uh black belt did an article on me a little while back On self and on my event showgun fights that I promote so

Starting point is 00:31:15 Obviously was flattered because black belts the original uh, you know, martial arts magazine original obvious I'm sorry original. That's what we read before a playboy before we started whacking off. I used to read my I used to read black belt get a heart on and shit go to Look at the catalogs and get the geese and the patches with goju karate and make believe I was chinese the whole fucking deal Well, then we'll call you joey karate for nothing. What's up, john rallow. You bad motherfucker Yeah, joey, so uh right now just working on my teams and uh preparing for our october showgun event, you know Now what's the what's the name of the new jim combat sports? No, we're uh, the school's name ground control ground control

Starting point is 00:31:57 Yeah, ground control. We got four of them here in uh in in maryland and uh, you know, who knows maybe it's fit someday Now what's ground control? Is that a different school in baltimore? Yeah, yeah ground control is is my jim came up with the name years ago Okay A buddy's shown alvarez and uh, you know, most people in this area, you know, if you say ground control they pretty much You know, no, it's john rallow involved with it. Okay What else is going on little brother? What's happening fucking playboy man, right? I tried to get the article and I was stunned. I couldn't find it

Starting point is 00:32:31 And uh, I wanted to talk to you about your next fights. I wanted to talk to you about the cats I want to talk to you about the baltimore fucking ravens You know just talk to my name the world champion the world champion baltimore. That's right. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I got my main man here from the north. I'm a pats fan here. So that's hard to hear but Well, we gave you a gift gave you a gift two years ago, but we couldn't do it two years in a row Yeah, I don't know what you guys are doing though. You gave uh, what's the the quarterback all that money let everyone else go You let ed reed go to houston Why yeah, well come on now ed reed is kind of you know, look, I love ed reed

Starting point is 00:33:06 Maybe the greatest safety to ever play But uh, you know ed's been a shadow of his self the last few years his next and shoulder damage He he hasn't tackled anybody in a couple years And he just had hip surgery his hips jacked up. They don't even know if he's going to be back in time for champ So, you know ed's still going to you know make a play here and there but definitely uh Not the ed reed of old, you know We had the it was time to get out with the old and uh In with the new our defense is actually improved even with you know, rey retiring and ed going away

Starting point is 00:33:39 So i'm excited for the uh the football season I'm really excited. I can't believe it's fucking june already That's it. It's june. They report already man. You know how it is the time flies. The older we get the more responsibility We get the faster the time goes Damn john rattle will drop a knowledge on a motherfucking monday one. Do you see what happened yesterday john? now john who won the match last night with a yoki and uh The other guy, you know what? I do not know me neither If I could find it and I didn't find any results on it. So uh, what was the fight?

Starting point is 00:34:11 Bad man of jama and cron obviously is uh a beast himself hicks and sun So young that's something I really would like to know who did win. Yeah last night. I met a morris Shinya yoki against Yeah, because I know they announced eddie bravo was fighting our boy again And and oh, yeah, they announced it last night. I met a morris Nice. Yeah, so back out. You know houses uh And eddies had you know some back issues over time. So I mean it's exciting to see eddie get back He's healthy

Starting point is 00:34:43 I know shinye was in the in the studio with them wednesday and thursday were practicing the rubber guard But I said yeah, it's where I mean eddie helped him with his technique, you know guys You know don't sleep on eddie bravo because he hasn't competed in a while, you know He's a very uh An accomplished grappler and a creative guy, you know, I would sit around with eddie and we would just rap about jiu-jitsu for hours You know while we were medicating ourselves. So exciting, uh, You know, I'm so excited. Nobody's coming back actually john rallow because of you. I've been going to jiu-jitsu steady twice a week How you liking it?

Starting point is 00:35:18 Between me and you I love it john rallow It's a different it's a different party. It's a different party. It's in the blood. It's it's over Yeah, this guy on monday is this marcello I like this guy and he he runs a tight, you know, he the first half hour is just calisthenics and shit and then the next half hour is technique then you roll I can't load I can't lie to you john rallow. I got two minutes of rolling And I got a tap but I can do it three or four times. Yeah Two minutes and then two and a half and then three so

Starting point is 00:35:49 You know because of you actually the last time we got together we talked about this Uh, you start in jiu-jitsu and you actually had a got me to try acupuncture So I'm actually seeing a acupuncture therapist once a week here And uh, you know, I'm I'm here to say that it's actually had some uh pretty good results for some of the pain I was having in my back and in my shoulders. So, uh, you know, it's uh, I thank you for that Now the days that you go remember drink a lot of water, right? Even more so than you work out days and don't plan nothing. It's like good friday. Don't do nothing Nothing

Starting point is 00:36:23 Don't even give the wife a stab and nothing go home put a tv on Listen to a little music and make sure you go to bed early and get the hours that night You'll you'll see that if you go to sleep and wake up interrupt that sleep You it's like what the fuck did I do smoke 55 joints and drink a gallon of booze? Because your body really goes from point A to point B. So See we learned from each other no matter what fucking age Cron cron crazy one. He uh guillotine choke seven minutes in oh, shit Nice

Starting point is 00:36:54 That's that's uh, hey good for cron man. You know, uh, you know, obviously his dad maybe, you know, the greatest jiu-jitsu Practitioner of all time. So, uh, you know, it's exciting to see his son Cron has success, you know, hickson really uh With drew from the community when huckson passed away So, uh, you know, it's kind of exciting to see cron out there still carrying on his lineage No, maybe you guys can explain it. I watched uh, there was a post fight interview with uh, shawb and uh Cyborg and cyborg was pissed because apparently shawb just just sat there and didn't do anything Like can you explain what happened or did you watch it or do you know what happened?

Starting point is 00:37:33 As far as brandon and shawb. Yeah, I've really like what was what one was the fight yesterday I didn't watch no, I don't I don't know You watch a your old ufc fight. No, no, yeah, maybe it was an old what what event? No, it was it was this it was on the same card. It was menomorus 2 and it was it was a shawb versus uh cyborg And apparently so I didn't say i didn't brandon had been released

Starting point is 00:37:58 He hadn't he he didn't he didn't be released. He's fighting. He's still in the ufc But oh, so I'll tell you what he said what he said was is he went in knowing that uh That cyborg fucked people up and was like really great So his goal was to not get submitted and he just kind of like played around with him And they like it just ended in a stalemate, but cyborg was pissed at the end He said like he doesn't he never saw anyone do anything like that He only goes to fights where people are going to fight and he was pissed off Well, I mean it's I mean in cyborg's defense. I mean, I know brandon. I think brandon's a nice guy

Starting point is 00:38:31 Excuse me cyborg is obviously one of the best jiu-jitsu guys in the world It's hard to Submit a person who doesn't want to engage you, you know, brandon's a great athlete, you know Former professional football player 250 pound kid obviously has grappling knowledge and You know, I think it's not impossible to get through a match when you don't take any chances when you're not trying to win the match So if that's exactly what went down, um, you know, I guess if his goal was not to be submitted, that's cool But uh, you know, the fans want to see you go after him Brendon really had nothing to lose

Starting point is 00:39:06 So why not go out there and even if he passes his guard threatens him a couple times That almost says more than kind of sitting in a guard and uh, just locking it down and hoping the time runs out Yeah, that's what that's what uh cyborg said he did So I didn't know I didn't know if you guys watched the rest of the card or not But yeah, that was like that was crazy. Yeah, man I would love to see this thing It was an awesome card and the aoki and crown match was a was one that I definitely wanted to uh check out How long have you been involved with jiu-jitsu now, john rollo?

Starting point is 00:39:35 Since 97 and you're 98 and you're original. It was the first time I competed and I'm at henzo in 99 And I've been with him ever since and you used to go up to new york and train Yeah, man, three days a week from bolton more, you know, it's basically a three hour ride So monday wednesday And saturdays I would go to new york. I would either go to manhattan to train henzo's uh, sean alvarez was in west chester And rickard all made us in jersey So I would go to new york on monday and wednesdays and in the beginning saturdays too and then as Uh, you know my career went on and I started to meet more of the guys

Starting point is 00:40:12 You know, I would go to henzo's a couple days and then saturdays I would hit rickardo since it was about a half hour closer for me Um, you know, my school was small back then so you know, we only had class ourselves on tuesday thursday friday So it allowed me to to you know to get up there and get my education You know, that's my college degree by black belt from henzo. So and uh, you know, obviously You can put a lot of road work in and a lot of time in To uh, you know, and but I've got all my promotions from henzo and Something that i'm super proud of because you know, people know that henzo doesn't just hand belts out

Starting point is 00:40:46 So, you know, the fact that he thought enough of me to give me a black belt is obviously uh, a great honor Damn Fucking you and another crazy motherfucker matt sarah told me he used to when he first got into jujitsu Matt sarah would drive from long island To red bank, new jersey Yep to learn jujitsu I go down the fucking corner and I feel like You guys got a lot to talk about because his family was into traditional marshal arts a lot of karate

Starting point is 00:41:16 Right, right, right. No, he told me about that. Yeah. Yeah, he was saying But he said that when he first got into jujitsu He would have to go from whatever he lives in long island all the way to jersey south jersey on sundays On sundays. It was once a week. That's right. That's right. It was once a fucking week. That's amazing. Yep That's when I first met henzo. He was renting from a karate school So he was like on west 25th. I believe in uh, you know, it was a karate I mean a straight up karate school We walked in there saw num chucks throwing stars all that stuff and he would rent match pace from them. So

Starting point is 00:41:50 And honestly matt He was like one of the first people I met when I was going there. Um, I actually got to Uh, wrestle dan mergliata. He used to run an amateur, uh, MMA show and he ran grappling tournaments Wow Excuse me and um My first big tournament win was called the east coast grapplers cup and that was dan's tournament and I beat I was a white belt. I actually beat a purple from henzo's in the heavyweight division and I beat one in the absolute division So at that point he had asked me if I was interested in coming to train

Starting point is 00:42:25 You know with them and and I didn't know henzo. Well, then I kind of thought man I'm gonna come up here to have 50 guys in a line waiting for me till they get me So, uh, kind of blew them off and then two weeks later. I went to the grapplers quest. Um, I wound up winning that beat there at the time their big rival was a team called takai there or carlson school And I submitted their guy in the finals And henzo was there and he was like, uh, you're that thing that pays the streets him and ricardo sat and watched my match And ricardo said, yeah steamroller So henzo goes, you are a steamroller after that match. He gave me

Starting point is 00:42:58 His, uh, home phone number his cell phone number offered me to come up to train At the time my instructor was a hickson gracey affiliate Um, I had met him in a tournament that I jumped in didn't have any experience He was the ref I wound up winning the thing just off my wrestling and he asked me where I trained didn't train anywhere So hooked up with him, you know within six months hooked up with henzo Convinced my instructor to talk to hickson and see if we could switch affiliations because henzo was on the east coast and hickson was in la And uh, you know, hickson gave us the blessing to switch over to henzo and uh, you know been with henzo, you know

Starting point is 00:43:36 Since like 99 And you still go up there and roll from time to time are you busy? Yeah, absolutely You know, I'll go up and see him, you know, henzo besides jiu-jitsu man He's been a great mentor to me and he's a friend and uh, when I saw you the last time in new jersey You know, I came to see you and uh, Joe performed and then went to the son and uh, john jones match up in new jersey And uh, you know, I stayed at henzo's house, you know friday and saturday night. So You know, he's he's become a great friend as well as a mentor and uh, now i'm happy to have a dude like that

Starting point is 00:44:09 My life, you know, he's super positive Very very smart guy Um, you know, he's he brings the level in the the energy in the room up when he comes into it So, uh, you know, i'm thankful to have him around and to be able to call him if i want to bounce something off of him You're a fucking sad now tell me about these events you've been doing because we've been friends for a long time And I remember you telling me in the beginning and they got bigger and bigger and you you're saying that out now Look at you your fucking show going to hollum Yeah, we're doing uh, you know, this I did this my eighth one, uh, october will be the night

Starting point is 00:44:44 Um, I personally think we're the biggest regional show around. Um, you know, we do anywhere from four to six thousand people At our events and I don't have you know, the main brand people like chuck ladell like You know, george st pier fighting So the fact that we can bring in You know, 5000 people to the first mariner arena, which is the big venue here like that's where jay z would play It's where motley crew would play, you know, if it's a big concert coming here. That's where they go Um, you know, it's been an amazing ride force. Um, we've developed some talent, you know guys like dustin pague I have made it into the u.s.c. on the ultimate fighter show

Starting point is 00:45:22 Zach davis another kid getting one from our show to the ultimate fighter Cody donovan he's currently fighting in the u.s.c. I think he's won his first two fights. He's fought for us So, you know, I'm not delusional. I'm not a guy here trying to compete with the u.s.c. I'm a guy here hoping to give guys in our region the proper exposure and the proper opportunities to be able to get some experience fighting in front in front of a large crowd And maybe one day, you know a guy like we have, you know, what like frankie ecker You know, maybe we'll have a guy from this region who's a world champion and I'll be able to say fights on showgun You know, but we've had like five six guys

Starting point is 00:46:02 On to the u.s.c. We probably had a good 10 or 15 guys who have fought in bellator Um, my crowds are actually bigger than bellator's crowds But I just don't do the frequency of events that they do because I don't have via come back at me So, you know, any any tv people out there that uh, you know, want to get involved let me know But um, again, you know, the u.s.c. is great. Um, you know Mark rattner came down and testified for me when we were getting uh, mixed martial arts legal here I actually had the lobby and go before the senate and the house and delegates and speak here in the state capitol at Annapolis when we were getting the law passed

Starting point is 00:46:39 Michael mersch also came down who's the attorney for the u.s.c Uh, both of these guys were like couldn't have been more helpful We're very supportive actually thank me because they were like man if everybody has we didn't have to be here You know, you had everything all the legwork done already So, uh, you know, I used to call them and ask for dates, you know, that way I would try to avoid u.s.c.s As well But um now they do so many shows You know, and I have to take what's available to me at the arena

Starting point is 00:47:05 So sometimes, you know, the show is overlap But I'd be my best not to because I'm here to promote the sport not to try and compete You know with the you know, the nfl of the mixed martial arts You're a bad motherfucker john rollo John rollo. I'm a man. I'm crying. What are you weighing that now? Oh, I'm about 282 85 Are you still a rock of fucking Gibraltar? Yeah, you know, I do what I can so

Starting point is 00:47:32 Yeah, I try to stay in shape still roll with the guys Obviously don't have time to train like uh, you know like a fighter But hell I'm a 44 year old man now and trying to make my money with my brain instead of getting uh hitting the face Uh, the other thing about you is you got a great tattoo in the back of you know Jesus choking out the devil and all that stuff. Yeah But uh, the best thing about you is that we share common interests is our love for the fucking cats Oh, yeah You know, real men love cats. Oh my god, you know, the other guy got pissed, you know, the nero

Starting point is 00:48:06 I always use this line, but the nero and uh meet the parents when he was riding with ben stiller He told you they says everybody dogs are whores. You got to earn a cat's respect so You know a dog let anybody pet him but uh Cat, you know, he's gonna be Gonna be a little uh leery just to come up and let you get involved He's gonna have to see you're all right before he accepts you into the circle So does a cat in the house that keeps pissing on my fucking fan when I turn it off

Starting point is 00:48:32 And I think he doesn't like when I turn the fan on the room because he has to leave I can't figure out who it was So it's between super it was between super bad and harry So the other day I get in my office. I'm having the worst day of my fucking life and there's cat pee on the fucking fan This time they pissed on the fan while it was on so it splattered against the fucking wall So basically I called my wife and I go when you get home one of the cats are gonna be dead She goes what happened like I'm just killing one of these motherfuckers today She sat there with the baby steaming until she walked in I gave her the baby I picked super bad up. I brought him in there made him sniff the pee and I spanked him twice

Starting point is 00:49:10 Then I picked up harry. I did the same fucking thing. Why I don't know Yeah, they say they don't know what at that point. They don't know what you don't know what's uh I'll tell you what we both have a passion for the cats and the the mayor here actually asked me to do a Anti-animal violence campaign a few years back and it's still going on You know where they say only a punk would hurt a cat or a dog um, you know Because animal abuse actually went up after the michael vickord deal because young kids in the city saw him Doing what he was doing the pit bulls and they all thought, you know, well must be cool if uh, this big athlete's doing this stuff

Starting point is 00:49:46 Yeah, really? Yeah, man, they had a campaign here in maryland and and baltimore. I think if i'm not mistaken This is the first place where they can actually put you in jail Um, like they made a a straight up statue here about animal abuse and and you can get jail time for it. So um, you know the mayor Is very uh, you know, she's a real pro animal The first three people she has for myself adam jones who plays for orioles and jared johnson who at the time was with the ravens And uh, you know, it's been a great experience for me

Starting point is 00:50:20 It led me to do Work with an adoption service here called barks. There are no kill rescue here in baltimore And um, you know, it's been real fulfilling like as many people go around Recognize me from the mix marshal art stuff in baltimore has recognized me from the billboards and the the bus stop posters They had of me holding my cat doody and uh, you know, basically, you know with that slogan, you know only a punk would hurt Cat or a dog and and the poster got a huge response because i'm a two hundred and 85 pound You know six foot two to cat it up, you know kind of jerry can tell you i'm a not a small guy

Starting point is 00:51:00 So to see me in a tank top holding uh my little tuxedo cat Um, you know, it got a big response because people would expect you just to hold the dog So, um, you know, it led to me doing the show must love cats and adopting. Uh, watch down there. Yeah And a bit here. Yeah, so, um, it was all pretty cool and uh, you know, any any time you can help, you know an animal It's always my opinion joe and people that don't know the dude i'm talking to as the biggest part in the world He you know, he's the nicest person you'll ever meet and when you bring A dog or a cat into your house That animal is now part of your family, you know, they didn't ask you to bring them there

Starting point is 00:51:38 So once you bring them in at your responsibility to take care of them, you know And if you're a piece of shit who's beating on your dog or beating on your cat Give that cat the somebody who will love it, you know I'm saying because it's not fair to the animal and it's not a good example to set for the people that are around It's amazing how like I was saying I felt guilty the rest of the week even today I felt super on the way out. I seen super bad and I kissed him and I hugged them And I could tell he genuinely loves my wife came home the other day And she goes to me. Hey, how attached are you to gray?

Starting point is 00:52:09 You know gray is the last one we brought in. She's a beautiful tuxedo. She's black and white When we brought her in she was about seven John Rallo, she sleeps with me every night and as soon as I turn over in bed She's as happy as can be that i'm awake. She jumps on me She meows until she's fucking dizzy when I wake up Plus her tail gets swollen like she's ready to fight and I have to hug her and calm her down I really do so I looked at my wife like, oh, listen, I'm not that attached to fucking gray But let me tell you a fucking story when I wake up in the morning gray is right there

Starting point is 00:52:42 Like if gray was a woman, she sucked my dick. That's how happy gray is when I wake up in the morning Sometimes she swallows asleep on the chair and she leaps on the bed for me to hug her in the morning when I wake up How the fuck are you gonna ask me to give up fucking gray gray? She goes, I get it. I get it. I go. I got cats. I raise this fucking kitten and then I jump on the fucking bed And you know, we took gray from outside. She got attacked by an animal in the landlord Said I can't keep her in the house because the dogs are attacking her at night How can you give up my little neighbor cat? We washed her up and she's fucking beautiful now She's beautiful. Sometimes I have the baby in the left arm and she'll jump and get on my right arm

Starting point is 00:53:20 That's how fucking great and sweet she is so Yeah, i'm still amazed at that that you you have the baby and not that i'm surprised that you'll be a good father But I know you still have the baby You you you weren't sure, you know, if you were going to have one or not and uh, oh my god You know you and your wife god bless her You know to be able to put up with your crazy ass for all these years, but uh You know, um, you know, you guys are great people You know, I'm glad to see that you were able to have the baby

Starting point is 00:53:48 You know, there's plenty of people out there who have kids really don't deserve them. So You know, I'm glad to see you guys, you know, I know how you were with your animals And it's only going to be even more so, you know with your baby. So, you know, congratulations So rala, what is the next event? The next one's october 26th And you have you have the card ready yet or still Some of that the big fight on there is probably going to be uh, we had a guy, uh, john murphy They used to call a man of faith. He fought on the bully beat down like three times fought on the elite xc

Starting point is 00:54:22 Um, you know, he's a heavyweight fighter and there's a there's another kid in jersey that's asking to fight him And there's a kid in bella where joe stripling who they each fought each other in a moitai match back in the day And he wants another crack at him in a mixed martial arts match. So could be joe stripling too But uh, you know, everybody loves a free show. They like to see the heavyweights john's a big good-looking marketable guy He's got skills, um, you know, some of the bigger shows and uh, you know, we're excited to have him back on You know, you know in our cage and you know, we've always had guests come down You know, cowboys been here, uh, mike brown letter garcia Um, you know, henzo's been here a few times matt sir has been down

Starting point is 00:55:04 Anthony johnson, you know had been down for the last one and speaking of matt, you know I'm gonna talk to him as well. But you know, we wish him good health You know matt had a some blood clot issues The week of show gun. He wasn't able to come down here and if people saw he actually announced his retirement from mixed martial arts due to the You know, the health problems that he was having. Uh, he's doing well now and uh, it's like I told matt You know when he called me and was he was so apologetic because we're friends You know, it's not like I'm paying this man to come he comes down because he's a buddy of mine

Starting point is 00:55:38 And uh, you know, he's got a wife and and and three kids. So it's uh, it's like I told him It's more important for you to be ready to take care of your family, you know, than to come down here You know, we'll get you down here another time. So You know, well, that's out there to matt sarah So john rallow, I won't be back in baltimore till fucking january What'll february do some comedy? So I don't know what i'm gonna see you again, but i'm happy you called up to that. I'm happy. I got a hold here Put this together. I'm very proud of you

Starting point is 00:56:08 Being in blackburn. I'm gonna let the motherfuckers in baltimore. No john rallow's there. What's the name of the schools now? Yeah, the schools ground could ground control four locations. Yeah, one in Oh, he's mills one in columbia, maryland one in belair and one in baltimore. So Four gyms out there. Hendo gracey jujitsu and mix martial arts And uh, again, joey, uh, you know glad that i've gotten to know you over these years I'm flattered that you uh Would have me on and uh, please give my love to You know joe and arie and eddie and the crew uh, don't get to see you guys as much as uh

Starting point is 00:56:42 Would like to but uh, always a pleasure when i do i have i already give you a call. He's in your neck of the woods So i'm coming down to see You know, you know, my door's always open when you're coming. Let me know bro. I got you Yeah, he lives in bought in uh, brooklyn now for the summer. Nice. I'll give him a call today and tell him to come down I thought i heard he was moving to new york. So yeah, so that's a that's a good thing Yeah, so he's up there. How's the greek doing this guy anyways? He's from like dc area. Yeah, he's right from your area there So yep, and i'll be in dc. I'll be in dc in august At the impromptu joey get me up man. Yeah, we'll figure something out for a minute ride from here

Starting point is 00:57:17 Okay, done done. I love you john rile. Thank you for calling up there. My man. Thanks. Good luck. Much love always All right, my man. Love you too. Bye. Bye What's up cockleica, how you doing? I'm doing good. You're not high. Yes. You want a piece? No, let's flip that last little piece No, you eat it. I'm talking about who will plus for a second. You all right talk No, I just I've been looking on and they they have the cosby show on there So just just again the old school cosby show. What about the standard specials? No, they don't have stand-up But no, that's that they do have the common central half hours But uh, so brought it brought you by hulu plus

Starting point is 00:57:56 It's easy go to hulu plus dot com slash joey lowercase You know that by now or you could go and go to joey's website joey coco deez dot net Get the shirts also go to hulu go to on it and uh I just I literally looked right now. They have the cosby show. They have I love lucy, which I fucking love I love I love and they have the ultimate fighter They they just have they have everything you could want hulu has the ultimate fighter. They have uh, I'm trying to look and see what season they have them looking at right now. Yep. Yeah, it's it's last season. Yeah last season You're right. Yeah. Yeah, so they don't talk listen. I'm giving you two weeks for free hulu

Starting point is 00:58:33 Plus is being so sweet. They're giving you two weeks for free And if you join up after that it's seven ninety nine a month. I had I knew I looked here a day And I knew the ultimate fighter was up there, but I got high life. I got So i'm sorry my apologies to you people people please take advantage of this opportunity You're not gonna get this again two free weeks go to hulu plus dot com or go to joey deez dot net Go to my webpage go to hulu plus joey lowercase Do it now Why fuck around and and just to thank you guys

Starting point is 00:59:02 We we get updates every week on how we're doing it and the people who have done it so far really I mean joey and I get up at five in the morning and it's it means a lot that you guys have been doing it So you know how the fuck we all listen. Let me tell you some people I would not bring you talk to you guys about anything that I wouldn't use myself a friend of the show just sent this Jackets with uh a wallet holder and an iPod. Yeah, you tell me cell phone. We'll talk about that my man What's his name over here with the fucking beautiful t-shirts? He sent us to foyer. You know how long i've known to foyer since I started beating the beast He's got a beautiful new label. What's the label read them down to him this kid. It's called nine muse

Starting point is 00:59:41 And what's the website is their website tonight? Yeah, it's nine the the number nine muse co m u s e co Dot com the capital shouldn't matter listen. I don't I could keep breaking up all the time This that take money. I do it out of fucking love or if it's something good Hulu plus is something good on it. It's getting fucking stronger and stronger on a daily basis Did you guys know that you got the ultimate grocery guide now with mike docce on fucking uh

Starting point is 01:00:11 Oh docces with them now that's docces been with them So i'm trying to get him to do the podcast We got they got the fucking quarter set mushrooms in that shroom tech and I'll tell you what's really good I'm hearing really good things about that t-plus to stop storm that uh on it's got go to fucking on it cut this shit We're giving you hulu plus on it go to on it press church in the box get 10 percent on 20 percent I'll get emails all that fucking fun shit. Who the fucking think you're dealing with it's monday morning people get up Wash it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. What are we talking about? Don't about julia serving. We're talking about john rallow. What else are we talking about today?

Starting point is 01:00:45 You know, I'm so fucked up. No, no, no, that's what we're talking about but uh No, and it's crazy how things change because as people know The the girl thing happened a couple weeks ago, but I've been talking to this other one And it's uh, it's amazing when you have put have like the positive Like I had the positive change where I actually told the girl I liked her and it didn't it didn't work out but now i'm talking to another one and it's uh See, I mean it's it's Now it's all positive and it's uh, it's weird how stuff can change so quickly. So it's uh

Starting point is 01:01:14 For people who are scared of doing things just one little change really makes a difference You know, you got to be honest with yourself. You know, I was thinking about I'm writing this fucking book And I finished my stepfather's thing. I was thinking about that story. I told you the other night like about when I found my mother and You know the acid and all that shit and I thought and now I'm writing the days after that like how I felt for a year Like it was it's how I feel with my daughter now when I look at my daughter when we were in Chipotle yesterday feels like a fucking dream It feels like I'm gonna wake up and go Terry You're not gonna leave the dream matter five month old fucking baby, you know

Starting point is 01:01:49 Sometimes life feels like a dream. It's good or bad. You know, I'm talking to my friend that his wife died his wife died about a month ago and I've been talking to him at least twice a week because I know what he's going through And it's like when somebody passes away that's close to you and you walk in that bathroom And then in that bathroom or the stuff's not in that bathroom or you really want to smell that person one more time and You know, I'm listening to his words. I just call him to hear an event There's nothing I could say this fucking guy. I call him to hear an event

Starting point is 01:02:22 because No, I couldn't vent anybody because at that age I thought it was too tough I had to show people that I couldn't vent that I couldn't handle this but me inside I was falling apart on the outside. I was handling it, you know But it's so weird how I listen to this grown man talk about all these things how he misses and it's like a dream for him So sometimes somebody passes in your life and it's like a fucking dream that they pass You're saying one of my gonna wake up from this dream this person. It's like this kid that I thought about this morning You know, uh, everybody's special. You come in contact in this life with the fucking raw special

Starting point is 01:02:59 We you don't know one of us is gonna leave I might go home right now and the drunk guys out of from sunday night And hit my fucking car and you and me were giggling on the way out of we were having an argument on the way out About eat the fucking edible leave. I ate the edible And he did again. There's one piece left. There's no more pieces. There's no more You wouldn't let me leave the piece But there's one crumb that they no, no, that's a huge piece that you didn't cut out for yourself right here. Look go for Yeah, you're fucking crazy

Starting point is 01:03:29 People coming going you know And you never know like I miss this kid right now I really miss him. He was that much of my life. My life will never be to change it My life will never be the same again Without jimmy burko bump You move on, you know You move on you grab your balls and you go fucking. This is the fate. I fucking decided Let me give up some shout outs or some soldiers here

Starting point is 01:03:55 Oh boy, I can't read this Paris vicious 696 arie gold andy roux Kevin honey cut death squad all over whether it's Harlem Grand Rapids Illinois death squad, Iowa. I love all you crazy motherfuckers Bill Hoyler Jambi Aaron Barton Josh and McKinsey and Kevin Gitman. I love you motherfuckers And that's the way we do it. What are you gonna do? You know what I'm saying? You want to sit here and stare at me and cry It's Monday grab your dick

Starting point is 01:04:30 Realize why god put you on this motherfucking planet and do something good call vote tech You know what? I got to call today LA valley college Why because I'm gonna take some history courses. No, you're not. I'm sick and tired of being a fucking idiot Why did you fucking tired of being a fucking idiot out of everything you could take sick and fucking tired of being? I'm gonna take a grammar class Sick and tired of being a fucking idiot. How am I gonna raise a daughter with it? I don't know nothing Don't be don't take grammar that would ruin the whole

Starting point is 01:04:57 No, man, I gotta I gotta be I'm sick and tired of being a fucking moron. You know what's crazy. I was a history major, man How the fucking I forget this shit, man Yeah, you're not supposed to forget this shit. Wait, I'm a history major economics major No, before I was before I was an econ major. I was a history major. I wanted to be a stupid fucking attorney I became an econ major. I switched because I had to because I thought I was gonna be an economist I didn't fucking know I didn't know you're gonna go to class and like do homework and once a week

Starting point is 01:05:26 Yeah, I gotta take a class on world history. I start from fucking scratch Lee when you're an idiot. You're a fucking idiot. That's it When you're an idiot, you're an idiot. I'm gonna take world history What class you can take I'm gonna take world history and u.s political systems Are you gonna raise your hand and answer questions? Fuck. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah I put my pants on like everybody else at my eighty nine dollars a credit It's just as much as your eighty nine dollars. I'm gonna take every fucking opportunity of it I'm sick and tired of remembering how I'm how can how can you remember mugging a hooker in line that we're gonna fire? But you can't remember the fucking third president of the united states

Starting point is 01:06:01 That's fucking embarrassing. I'm a fucking american And if you're an american, you don't know these things. Fuck you too Fuck you. So why are you taking world history or take american history? I'm taking american history and world history because I want to go over the wars again and how this shit started and the whole fucking thing I'm not stupid. I don't know how world war one started. I'm not I'm not I'm a fucking shame to say that people But if I couldn't admit it to you, I can't admit it to nobody I'm ashamed around my fucking wife. My wife knows everything. She'll watch see you then and all those political reports I don't know why a democrat's a democrat or fucking a senator's a senator

Starting point is 01:06:37 You know, this was my life at one time. This was when you come from this country This is what you want to know. You don't give a fuck about anything How's you want to know everything you can about the political systems and the governments and the City governments and how it breaks down. That's the interesting shit about my life that I fucking love And now I don't know nothing. I don't know what number president mccannelly is I don't know if I know lewken. I know kennedy and I know nixon Bush, what else do you need to know you need to know my my brains? I don't know if it's the edible or you need to fucking know about the history

Starting point is 01:07:09 You need to know how can you be a parent? You don't know about fucking english where comma goes When you're supposed to use your instead of you are You know, I forget where the fucking comma goes. How stupid can you fucking be? How's your 24 you just graduated college? You still remember? I don't fucking know. Have you seen my blogs when I first started writing? Yeah How somebody didn't stop me and put a bullet in my fucking head by the way omar, what the fuck you act cock sucker You better call me back. Don't make me hunt you down

Starting point is 01:07:37 I got a book. We got to publish the fucking three or four months here But anyway, this book is great for me. We're gonna take next I can take like an angler like a language class like learn french or something or Well, I'm gonna take I'm gonna try to take two classes in the fall I'm gonna see what the scheduling is and I'm gonna keep going till my daughter's five or six. Really? How can I set an example? How can I set an example? You got to be excited about this shit? I have so many opportunities. I go I work on the weekends Yeah, I have all these opportunities to spend time with my daughter. Well, how can I not be you know? I gotta do this ladies. Do they like smoke joints during class? No, they don't let you smoke joints

Starting point is 01:08:13 But I'll eat an edible you fucking will you really won't you call valley's college and wrap me out your fucking crime stopper You fucking sammy the boat Oh, I'd love to be that love to be this is the country living that when you want to better yourself people laugh at you This is happens every day in society at every american table a kid comes home tells his father He wants to play the piano the father's like what do you want to suck dick? You know I'm saying I'm not making funny. I just yes. You are yes. You are this one talking about As he eats another piece of the edible. It's looking you hurt my feelings No, no, it's it's great. I'm just I would if people had said what is joe dea is gonna tell you at 7 a.m

Starting point is 01:08:54 And gave me a thousand options. One of them would never have been him going back to college Like Bonnie Dengarfield Not to school, bitch That's that's awesome. I I Do you think the homework's gonna last I I can't see you doing homework if you pay attention to class homework is very easy If you pay attention and make a couple notes during class and you stay on your thing I think it's changed since you went to school. Well, to be honest here. I think I'm gonna take one class just to get my feet It's going down. No, I was thinking about taking something to summer. I'm only going out of town for three or four weeks in the summer

Starting point is 01:09:27 Okay, so I was thinking that's awesome. I'm a fucking idiot. I kind of want to know how long can you be a fucking idiot for not you How long How long can you walk around knowing that you're a fucking idiot? How long do you walk around knowing you can't get into a conversation about politics? Because you're embarrassed. How long do you walk around and you can't uh Use an analogy about a president or you don't know about the eighth president. What does this happen? Like this has been happening. This has been fucking happening And now that I have a child I have to set an example

Starting point is 01:09:59 Now that I have you you're like a son. You're 24. You're half retarded yourself. Yeah, but I gotta know this young 26 years You're elder people. Yeah, but people who go to college Which they could like talk about stuff like you like no one Fucking talk everybody wants to talk about eating asses. Yes Suck on the floor. What if you're living anywhere? What if you're in another comedy club and someone's like Hey, do you think this is like Garfield the eighth president or do you think this is like the sixth president like Does it matter just the fact that I don't know it just the fact that you don't know it Just the fucking facts that I can't join a conversation about

Starting point is 01:10:31 A war I can't join a conversation about a fucking something that's going on and I ran or I wrecked you know right now I don't even know where they're fighting. I'm so fucking confused. No one in this country knows where they're fighting I don't even know where they're fighting anymore I know it's not I ran because that's where Marge Gibran is from. That's Iraq Okay, well, yeah, I think they pulled out of they pulled out of Iraq These are things I should be on top of as an american Even if I don't discuss them just because I'm not a fucking smarmy guy. I don't have a scarf on I don't smoke a cigarette with a fucking holder

Starting point is 01:11:02 Does it mean you're not supposed to know this people you know when you're lacking You know when you watch jeopardy and you don't get one of the answers, correct? Yeah, you're a dumb fuck. You know when the last time I got an answer correct on jeopardy? Exactly. That's my point Every once in a while I got like a movie ride or a music something right I don't know nothing about what they're talking about like what river rests on fucking Gibraltar Or what river rests on the lake michigan, you know nothing nothing. Well, you can't have a river Why do you fucking but you know I'm saying so I'm just sick and tired and it's the same right now

Starting point is 01:11:38 Well, you know if you're walking around if you're a fucking idiot If you're sitting there walking around listening to cheap trick And you're getting on a train and you know if you're a fucking idiot if you look at the paper You're like, what are they talking about? And that's what I feel like after time And I try to read I try to read new york time. They always said that reading the new york times for four years Will give you more of an education than going to college for four years Yeah, that's what they say, you know what I'm saying, but you ever try to read the new york fucking times sometimes No, oh, it's boring. Oh, yeah

Starting point is 01:12:07 That like that's why I get like if you if you were gonna tell me you're going to school I thought you'd tell me I'm gonna watch jeopardy monday through friday. I'm gonna read the news like I would never like it's not It's like it's an inspiring thing. I'm not making fun. I just I couldn't believe you're gonna do it You can't walk around being a fucking moron all your life After a while eventually you got to raise your hand and go, you know what I've accepted that I'm a fucking moron and I got to do something about it You know community college ain't gonna help me because they don't have I just want to know basic knowledge again It's very sad

Starting point is 01:12:37 That the other day my short term memory is going, you know, we all have a good time joey's ignitable My fucking short term memory is going so it's mine. It's going people. There's times I get home And I can't remember what I ate for lunch to put in my weight watching guide, you know, I write my points every day I can't fucking remember so And then when they talk about politics, I gotta ask my wife like a stupid question You know how hard it is to ask your wife for you let your wife know you're really a fucking moron Do you know how hard that is like you could con people I would never think I'd bother you Oh, it bothers me that she fucking knows a lot of the shit that I knew used to fucking know and forgot

Starting point is 01:13:12 She's not smarter than me. I just forgot that shit That's what I'm trying to say. Have you thought about calling, Colorado and seeing what classes you need to like actually like finish a degree I could do that. That could that be cool. It's embarrassing. I don't want to hear from you No one who works there knows you like I mean no one who works there was there Like your old professor was like you could have been something Like that you could you should do that if you're gonna take classes I'm like you like why waste your money you should call them and see what Because I know what I need

Starting point is 01:13:41 I know what I need. I know what I need. Basically. I know what I need. I don't need to take an econ class I don't need to take a philosophy class on socrates I did watch clash with titans the identity origin. That's a badass mother fucking the new ones garbage Yeah, no one's fucking garbage. You watch that fucking old one with medusa and shit Damn, that's a good fucking something else. You people always like when I give you great new Movie reviews before I go. I gotta give you a great fucking review Last week I'm sitting there with the baby and wanna comes at 10 And it's 10 to fucking 10 and I see stripes is coming up. Ah, okay

Starting point is 01:14:18 I started watching it with my daughter and I watched the first fucking 10 minutes when uh When uh, he throws a lady out of the cab Bill Murray and then when they show harrow fucking ram is teaching immigrants english, right? But then they take your own fucking going to the army thing at the bus station. Yeah, and When john candy walks in It was and he asked him what was the what was the movie on the flight? You know, he's at the scarf on the fucking below jacket and the fucking sunglasses

Starting point is 01:14:51 I had to turn it off and I started crying because I knew the brilliance that was coming, but I taped it That night I went to yum yum donuts Me and my wife watched the first hour because we liked the part that he goes to Germany. Yeah, john candy Look a few motherfuckers that went to see hangover three And think bradley cooper and the guy with the beard hilarious. Listen Just take a knife and stick it in your fucking throat like a magician Hopefully Adam's apple you fucking moron put on stripes and see what real comedy brilliance is

Starting point is 01:15:27 See when john candy's telling the fucking guy they join the army because he want to lose weight Because if he goes to a fact camp, it's 400 and I realized that was broke So I said what the hell let me join the army lose a couple pounds You know that whole story that whole monologue watch what brilliance is watch what real comedy brilliance is You people that think all these people are funny the other the air joey listen nothing John candy was fucking brilliant. How ramus was so fucking good this movie How ramus was like the flying june because how ramus is really a writer. He wrote stripes. He wrote Ghostbusters. He was so fucking good in stripes

Starting point is 01:16:05 Bill Murray was fucking brilliant in stripes So next time you guys want to watch brilliance. Oh my god hangover thorn the chinese guy takes his dick Do yourself a fucking favor Stick a chopstick in your fucking ear. Hopefully it'll go through your brain But before you do that watch stripes and see what real comedy brilliance says you understand me He directed grand hog day cool Harold ramus. Yes, he fucking did

Starting point is 01:16:30 And they analyze this and that movie. Yeah, I was there with him. I was there. That's the biggest lesson I got Caddyshack listen dog listen dog. They cannot talk to me I talked to Harold ramus. He told me the fucking recipe Even though analyze that as an academy award winner even though I had a scene I spent two fucking days asking that fucking a little moron questions He talked to me more about balls that little fucking jew Showed me more about balls and fucking having comedy and I learned in 10 years when I came back from doing that movie So what nothing happened?

Starting point is 01:17:01 You know what happened though? I worked with one of the greatest comedy minds of all time period And he gave me balls and he told me to stick this motherfucker out that he was part of the original sign on live cast But they didn't like him outside of that life. So I didn't hire him Think of what it's like when they hire all five of your friends and you don't get the fucking job What you feel like that motherfucker turned around and wrote stripes ghostbusters Vacation he wrote like 20 fucking movies. So that's when you show that's how you show people You're a bad motherfucker. You don't threaten them. You don't call them stupid You say a prayer for them for not hiring you because what you're about to do is something fucking great

Starting point is 01:17:33 And that's what he told me just be the funniest motherfucker. You can't fuck montreal and fuck these agents They don't know nothing. They don't know nothing. They're like a fucking lottery ticket winner. That's all they are You keep writing keep doing your fucking thing and believing yourself whether you're a plumber a fucking lawyer A fucking engineer. You're just sitting there IT on a computer. You got a dream. Go for it. Don't let fucking nobody deter you That's what they try to do the harrow ram is that's why it rubs off on me and it's gonna rub off on you It's fucking monday go out there stab somebody in the fucking neck be a man What's up cocksucker tell me about hulu tell me about on it on it's got some shit cracking go over there See what doche is doing get the mushroom blend of the of the

Starting point is 01:18:16 Shroom tech Sport and immune support sport and immune not support the immune sport. I said support Animals What's no, what's the uh, what's the No, no, what's a plant major Like uh geologist You should take bonding classes. Yeah, right good You know what I should do what is that become a dual major a botanist

Starting point is 01:18:45 Underwater biologist. Why don't I do that? No, what do you think? Then you can grow a weed underwater Oh Shit, you know, I love you under water weed joe listen to me 2015 listen to me you bad motherfuckers I'm salt lake city you bad motherfuckers moab and all the cities around you I'll be there Friday night, but the second show already sold out Bam and the first And the first show's got a few tickets left jump on those the following week I'm with you badass motherfucking red next town in lexington, Kentucky

Starting point is 01:19:15 Paduca, yeah, but I see you motherfuckers at the show. I know it's three hours away. I ain't fucking around Lexington or you I'm there. I'm there with you on the campus. I'll be with your fucking uk So come on down cocksucker the week after that. I'm with san jose my main man Lee Lee boom boom Syat Go to joey dears.net go to fucking hulu Pressing joey lowercase get two free weeks and a membership for 7.99 a month after that It's not even membership. It's like fucking nothing seven. That's eight eight fucking dollars. That's eight movies for a dollar

Starting point is 01:19:48 You're gonna an eight tv shows for a dollar. You know what 62 of them stop being a fucking momo Go to honor get the kettle bells Look at the new doce grocery Do honor is the future for health and nutrition. Don't fuck around number three. What else can these people do this week? They could do testicle testaments. They could do testicle testimony. You do a bunch of shit You don't have to be out with these fucking losers wasting your time Get some rest drink some water Get your dick sucked and get your pussy eating. It's a whole new week. It's a whole new set of rules

Starting point is 01:20:18 The red devil is here my main man the fucking flying jew. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great day Thank you for coming and rocking with us this morning. I'm talking about look at this room I tried to take a picture but didn't work. It's the fucking Smokiest room in the world now that the show is over Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now Go to uh joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner for your extended free trial Or go to hulu plus.com slash joey again the banner at joeyds.net or hulu plus.com slash joey lower case Don't forget. We got eight elbows left. We'll eat these on wednesday

Starting point is 01:20:56 Oh, shit. They'll be gone by tonight. Oh shit. You eat more. Oh shit. How much what percentage of your job? This is michael jackson. It looks like before the molestation case. It's at least half I love you. Lee cocksuck. I have a good day. You ain't high. Oh, shit. Let me see do some jumping jacksley Pants are gonna fall down. Come on. We're right under where this one. Oh shit. Oh shit golly He's a bad mother fucker My pants are gonna fall down. Have a great day. Thank you. Thank you. I love you motherfuckers. Stay black and beautiful hates me I said you want to be something You're good, but you're always

Starting point is 01:22:30 I'm

Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #87

MMA fighter, promoter and cat lover John Rallo calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plu...s. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/10/2013

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.