Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/12/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #88

Episode Date: June 13, 2013

Mike Dolce call in to talk about UFC fit and give advice on nutrition. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended 2 week free trial. Streamed live on 06/12/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Lowercase. Oh, shit. Fuck you. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's going down. This is about a worse nightmare. It's your nightmare hasn't started, cocksucker. It's going down Wednesday, June 12, 2013. Get your shit together. Chinese people are jumping off bridges and you're still confused whether you should get pooping your fucking Irish shoes,

you cocksucker. Get up, you fuck. It's Wednesday. Go out there. Wash your balls, shine your shoes. Make it happen. Clean your toes. Make it happen, motherfuckers. Eat some oatmeal, alpha brain, reefer, coffee. Fuck that toilet up and you go out there like a soldier into the world. What are you giggling about, cocksucker? I can always tell if you get up early or not because when you get up early, you get all riled up with the cats or the kid and weed and come over here and you. What does that mean? Chinese people are jumping off bridges but you're so confused about pulp? Listen, who the fuck would it mean? People are like all the sayings and I have no like, you don't even know what that would mean. You just came up with the words.

Chinese people are jumping off fucking bridges. I read about it in CNN and most Americans are worried about whether there's pulp in their fucking Irish shoes. You follow me? That's the point right there. It's what we're worried about. What do you interrupt me for? I'm gonna fucking roll here. I didn't sleep last night. Why not? You know, sometimes you lay down, insomnia takes over and after like an hour or two, the insomnia frustrates. You can get frustrated and once you're frustrated, you cannot fucking fall asleep. You can't read, you can't watch TV. And we didn't put you to sleep. We'd always put me to sleep. I smoked a fucking weed. I smoked a fucking vapor pen. I smoked my finger. I smoked everything. I was

fucking frustrated. So I just think I slept like an hour. So I'm gonna go home and take like a two hour cat nap. I go to the doctor and I got to write some shit. And I said, what's the one on with Utah? Is that everything all right? Everything was great. I wanted this. No one even said anything to me but on Monday, if you haven't listened to, we've been doing Monday Edible podcast and you brought up going to school. And like, when I thought about it, like, I felt like I was like, I didn't want you to think I was making fun of you. Like no one even said anything, but I felt bad. No, no, you did. I have like that was at the end, like two hours into Inedible. And like the last thing I expected to hear. So it's cool. I didn't, I wasn't making fun of

you or anything. I got the class. Oh, you did? It's political and society history of the United States. It's Tuesdays or I could take it online. It starts in August. I don't think you'll like online. I took online courses and I hated it. It's fucking boring. The reason why you go is to park and mingle and throw a pencil under the teacher's skirt. I did awful. And I'm saying, really? Yeah, because I just, the teacher hated one of the teachers hated my writing online. Yeah. And I just, I couldn't do it the way they wanted. So like I had to pay them like two, two grand more, take another class. Because when I came out here, three years ago during the summer for an internship, I did online classes at the same time. So I could graduate early.

And I barely passed. No shit. I don't think you're like online at all. I'm going to look into it. Because you have to like upload your papers and no, you, I don't, I recommend doing it in person. Just go down. It's just one day. I think it's 645 to 830 at night or something like that. Yeah. Or I didn't, I looked into the class. It's a one and two. So it's three credits of fucking semester. I'm just going to take three credits. I can't take anything more than that. I can't focus that much. Yeah. But I'm going to give it a fucking shot. This is what, and they had a couple biology classes. I mean, they got a, they got some good shit that didn't, for history, they didn't have this shit I was looking for. What were you looking for? I'm looking for American political systems from

scratch. Then, you know, the whole fucking, no, you know, the whole House of Congress, the whole fucking, the whole thing from scratch. They don't have classes like that anywhere. Like they don't have, they had those at CU. They had those at Colorado Mountain College. They had those. Well, like I would start looking to, and like high school, they should have like paying your taxes, fucking paying your bills. Like classes like that, like they walk to like because I have no idea how to do taxes. Like already does. That's what I'm saying. You should have taxes like how to be an adult, like how to be an adult. How to be an adult. Yeah. Listen, you become an adult, but no, no, no, no, no, no. Now you're getting carried away. No, I would take

all the classes in the world, but you got to do by learning. You know, I was putting a weird situation when I was a kid. When I saw that fucking, those ambulance lights make them stop at the bottom, make that right up my hill. I had a choice to fucking make. I had a fucking choice to make. There was no workbook. The thing that worked about me was that my mother always strived to make me independent. You know, I'm writing this thing right now. And I'm telling you people at home, I think Hallmark's gonna call in next week, the editor. And it's really weird when you write this shit, you have to relive it as you're writing it. And you know, I tell people that when I was 15, my mom passed and I was thrown out into the wolves, the whole fucking thing. Yeah,

part of that's true. I got bad news for you, motherfuckers. I was pretty much on my own from the time I was 11 or 12. I just lived there. Yeah. It's a sad statement to say. Like I think about it. I get sad about it because it makes my parents or my mother look bad, but it didn't. My mother had so much confidence in me that I could handle myself at that age. Yeah. That she didn't worry. And her not worrying gave me more confidence because I knew what my friends would go through just to go to the corner. Yeah. So I think back at it now and sometimes I get mad at my mom for letting me walk up to see his row buck on the fucking top of Kennedy Boulevard when you're, you know, I mean, but did my mother know I was going into the city in the eighth grade

to play three card fucking Monty and they go to peep shows? You know, no. You don't think so? I think she probably, you don't think so? No, no, no, no. I was doing it with six or seven kids. And these kids' moms talked. So if one found that, everybody found that. And we kept it together. We didn't abuse. It's like we went over there at 10 in the morning and stayed till 10 o'clock at night. We didn't call. We'd shoot into the city for an hour because you could do that. Yeah. I could say to you, Lee, I'm going to go to Sherman Oaks to look at the stereo or whatever. And we would get on Kennedy Boulevard, take a bus into the city. That took 20 minutes. We walked around downtown for an hour and we took that same bus back. That's an hour 40. Where were you? We were on

Burgle and Avenue buying music. Yeah. So they didn't know. You know how many shit things could have gone wrong when we'd go into the city to do those stupid fucking things as a 15, 14 year old? Jesus, yeah. But I used to take like a bus to Karate. I used to go like three towns. I would go from North Bergen all the way to downtown Union City by myself to go to Gush and Rue Karate. And it wasn't just on that one street. You had to go down, you know, 60 blocks on the bus and then walk over six or seven avenues. Do you think? No fucking no. I had no supervision. No. What's that thing when you have to come in at night curfew? A curfew, yeah. I really had no curfew. All right. You figure Enter the Dragon. Enter the Dragon came out in 1973. I was 10 years old.

I was allowed to go see the last showing of Enter the Dragon at the movie theater, which was like 9.30, 9.50. Yeah. You know, that motherfucker got out at midnight. We were walking down Burgle and Avenue with three other fucking gorillas who their mom, they lied to their moms on the sleep over here. But pretty much, you know, there was a couple of kids on my mother died that I hung around with. I grew up with actually Sabatino or Glankanthi and they would tell me that their mothers would ask them, who are you going out with tonight? And they'd say, Coco, they'd go, you know what? We feel a lot better than Coco's that because he knows how to handle himself. And it wasn't that I was a tough guy. I just knew how to at that age.

No, sometimes I think about it. I'm not saying your mom knew she was going to pass away early, but sometimes like, I wonder if she was doing this because she felt like something was going to happen. Like, do you think like something like that at all? Or like, because most parents wouldn't raise their kids like that. I was having a conversation with their Bert and Felicia Michaels about their children. Bert's got two daughters and Felicia's got two boys. We'll be talking. And I said to them, this is the way before Terry got pregnant. I said to them, if I ever had a child in a way, you have to prepare your children for the day that it comes. You hope it never comes. But what good is it me raising you? Listen, when you go to karate, you know, I throw you all,

I teach you all these kicks and punches. What good is it if I don't put you in front of a live person? Yeah, for you to learn angles and learn punches and learn kicks and distance. And you know, what good is it? It's the same thing with life. You know, I went to a meeting the Monday, CBS Raffin. And I met with these really cool guys about a TV show idea. The one guy was talking about how, you know, podcasts have changed people's lives. And he'll say, listen to a few episodes of this. And he goes, it was so raw. I forgot what I was gonna tell you about the show. But, you know, I was on my own for a long fucking time before my mother died. And she had raised me like that. Sometimes me on a personal level, I get pissed off

really that she gave me that much rope. I had that much freedom growing up. But didn't you would have survived the years after she grew up after she passed away if you didn't? No. Yeah, I would have caved. I would have caved. And I did cave. I caved in many ways, as you're being, you know, when they take away your belief system. I'm a Catholic, you know, and I love being a Catholic. A lot of you people fucking write me emails that you fucking think I'm crazy. I came from another country and I had insecurities. And at night you pray. You pray that your insecurities go away. You're a fucking young kid. You're a dumb fuck. You don't fucking know. I was a Catholic full blown to a lefty cortina took me into the village and I brought weed at

that church. Don't get me wrong. I didn't stop smoking fucking weed because I bought it at church. When he told me to get out of the car that he wanted me to see some, I thought he was fucking with me. And next, you know, we were walking behind the church into the fucking church downstairs. And I could see the priest talking to people and three guys are selling fucking weed in the bingo room. I bought the weed, but I felt as a Catholic, I felt fucking disgusted. Like I really did feel fucking embarrassed. I don't think you've told that story. Yeah, this is like night. This was summer of 79, right before I got Paraguay from smoking fucking pot. Okay. Paraguay was with the government sprayed on reefer to get that. And I smoked it and I got a

lung infection. But right that July, I really got into reefer because I was going to be a sophomore. And I wasn't going to play basketball. I was done with sports. Sorry about that, Lee. I'll pick it up later. We weren't going to play basketball. So I was just going to become a head. That was my excuse. So I fucking, I was copying a lot of weed with this kid lefty Cortina. His parents were doctors. Okay. And I was copying a lot of weed with them from different places. We smoked a lot of weed. We played a lot of fucking basketball. You ain't on this fucking number or a shirt or not. And uh, and uh, church, we went into the fucking city. We went, he asked me if I wanted to, we know what else we got really high that day.

And that's the first time I really heard uh, uh, have a cigar by Pink Floyd in this car. He had like an old Lincoln continental type big fucking car and he had a cousin and he had a brother Osby who they're all doctors now. I think my man lefty teaches at fucking some high school in Jersey. I swear to God. Listen, good fucking weed, at least I had. Look at him coughing that motherfucker like a savage on a Wednesday morning. Look at you. I like it. You see, see if you would eat some ass right now, you would have coughed out the pubic hairs like a soldier. I want to thank Conor Hewne for sending us that picture that chicks ask. Thanks a lot Conor. We're coming to Denver. We're coming to Denver. We're going to open up with

Lee sniffing her asshole and her just throwing like a little whey protein fart in his face. It's on the internet now. I don't think this is happening. I think you're fucking with me and I think you think it's funny. It's all going to be a surprise. We'll talk about on the podcast Monday. So I go into this fucking church and it just destroyed my insights. Like I didn't say nothing to nobody about what it did to me, but I just may believe like I didn't see it. It's like seeing your mom giving a blow job. You make believe you don't see it. You know what I'm saying? Would it still bother you now? Because like that seems like my mother give a blow job. She's dead. If I saw a mother give a blow job, I'd fucking rant around the TMZ and make millions. I'm like

other people don't want to take a fart in the face. Buying weed in a church. Oh, it's fucking destroyed my insight. No, I wasn't ready for that at that age. Okay. Like did you think like I wasn't ready for corruption in the church? I really was not ready for that. So do you think the priest was getting like a few hundred bucks and show look the other way. Yeah, I read the Henry Hills book. He's talking about he knew a rabbi that was fucking convert you into jail. So you get fucking you can get kosher. No, you get furloughs and he'd get kosher meals. Okay. You know, shit like that. So that was the first man about a year after my mom died. I'm like, what type of God is in the sky that would take a fucking kid's mother away at this age and make him go through

this fucking heartache without his mother. I was disenchanted with the whole fucking religious experiences. Oh, yeah. No, but it's I was thinking as you were saying it, if your mom hadn't given you that much rope, you probably not probably would have lived with Kim. Was that was your stepfather's name? One. I think if you had been had a knurling quote on that shit at that point, when my mother died at that point, you got to figure like that night that night, I went and did fucking acid and went out with my buddies. And I walked in the house at 12. That was basically 15 years old. That's what I'm saying. If it went before that, I got up to four in the fucking morning when you run back to your she fucking flip. So if I would have gone to live with one, it would have I would

have became like a fucking Marine. But at that time, I was getting high. I couldn't live with him. That's what I'm saying. If your mom had given you like a quote unquote normal childhood, you probably would have went to live with one. Right. Yeah. Well, what's a normal childhood? I did the one where you didn't have the rope and the and your mom and you've had a curfew and stuff like that. It's amazing. I really didn't have a curfew. That fucks with me today. And there was nights I could say mom in front of the house talking shit. And a lot of kids could say that we're in front of the house talking shit. And you could stay up to 11 or 12. But it was a few kids didn't have a curfew. Myself, John Bender, it was like six or four fucking five kids that didn't have a goddamn

curfew. That's a cool part about growing up in a neighborhood is I mean, your parents give you like a little bit more leeway because like kids like down the street. Yeah. That neighborhood spawned fucking children. And it's like any other American neighbor today, these kids just don't go. Oh, so when I went to that fucking meeting the other day, okay, this is the guy said to me, the guy goes, I listened to three or four year podcast. I listened to one of the testicle testaments. He goes, for some reason or another, you think and you're like, because I think, you know, I always tell a story how I never said these stories to anybody because I thought everybody lived like this. And it's so weird, like you're going to be 25, you know? Yeah.

And you never heard this shit when I talked to you. Sometimes I call you at night and break your balls and you're like, I never heard. And this is what this guy said. He goes, you live such a life. These kids would like to live it or would like to know how to live that life, but you can't. Yeah. You can't go into the city of muggle hook without doing 18 years now. You know, you can't do so many things that were on the cusp of that computer age. A lot of shit didn't get picked up and then go with your record. You know, what I do it again. What the fuck was I reading that the guy was saying? Oh, Mark Maron show. Mark Maron had an episode where he picks up Danny Trejo and he sponsors him. Okay. And he's an AA guy and he takes him to all these meetings. And at

the end of the episode, Mark Maron talks about how, you know, he does his tirade on the podcast and he talks about how he couldn't get high anymore. Like that's me. Like I couldn't get high. No, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know where to start. You know, I don't want to be another woman and cheat on me. So many things I don't want to do. You know what I'm saying? Like that you'd imagine I don't want to, like I couldn't imagine what a middle life crisis is. Like I couldn't imagine like I still can't force myself into drinking a fucking cocktail. You know, how many times I go somewhere and I'm like, I'm drinking a fucking cocktail tonight and I chicken out in a fucking cocktail. I would love to go to a middle life crisis and

try to eat some chicks pussy that was 19 and lose my fucking mind. But I don't have a heart attack. I couldn't deal with it. Yeah, I could never do a drug. I can never do another fucking drug again. You know, like I could smoke pot and I can eat all those edibles. You know, that bag of edibles is fucking gone. You told me. And then that bag was a quarter of a phone he left me. Maybe this week today has got me high. That that hate I just took. I'm fucking gone. This is crypto. I from no organic. Thank you, brother. Thank you for being a polite little motherfucker. So so I'm stoned and I'm sure a bunch of people are and even if they're not, so you were at the thing and he said people wanted to live the life you had because we kind of went

off on like he was saying that he was saying that it's very interesting that people want to figure out how to live an interesting life like you at your age at a young age. Yeah. You know, I was thinking about what you just said. It's your birthday next month. It's a one. Are you okay? I must have caught like an allergy or I smelt your foot or something. You were saying you're going to be July 20th, 1988. That's when you were born. Yep. Do you have any idea what I was doing July 20th, 1988? If you actually know, I swear to God. I do know. I was good. Sorry about that, people. Something this motherfucker. I live with cats. I don't

sneeze this month. I come over here. This motherfucker got me sneezed. Maybe he's got lint or something over here. I do know what I was doing. July 20th, 1988. I was working for Hertz with Carol Maxwell. She's on Facebook. A friend of mine. I was working for Hertz. She'll friend you? Yeah. She's my friend right now. We talk on the phone every once in a while. She worked at Hertz with me for this guy named Richie. What city? Boulder, Colorado. They were, I was working. Oh, man. Look, I fucking you laughing about cocksucker. I guarantee the smoke is growing fucking more. When we leave this office in the morning, you gotta see what it looks like in there.

It looks like there was a shootout or like the beginnings of a fire. Definitely chewy, slightly. My landlord's coming tomorrow at 10 and checked the freaking smoke detectors. I feel like someone's complaining with the weed. We might have to find a new place. No, no. Here's what you do. When I leave, open up these windows in the back door for a little while and just air it out. And when he comes in, I'll get his air. I'm just wasting it for breach. What are you looking at me like that for? Like you're fucking a half of a thought. You're like an angry Eurola. You look like a fucking mom or a sugar nickel to. What's the problem? When he starts sneezing, it's just hilarious. Okay,

so Hertz, Boulder. Hertz, Boulder. I was living with this dude Manny. It was a cold deal, like a flash cab driver. Okay. And I was clipping him. I'd buy a half gram and I'd steal fucking eight grams and I'd snore them all in one night and get up in the morning and go swimming and fucking the master swimming program. By July 20th, 1988, I got in a call from my attorney that community corrections had turned me down. So this was before you, so you had been arrested but you hadn't had the trial yet? No, I hadn't got it, but it was already known that I was gonna go to trial that month. Okay. Something was gonna go down that summer. By September, I would have gotten, I was gonna go in front of a judge. Okay. So what I did was I got in shape. I tried to get

my heart in shape, my head in shape for it. So I did blow. I worked out. I worked. You know, I wrote letters. I finished out that those college courses I had. I had like nine credits I was taking. I did all that shit. So when I went away, I'd be complete. I was hoping they would put me in work release. That was the word on the street. They were gonna give me 120 days of work release and six years probation. Okay. So what would work release mean? Work release means exactly. You live in the county jail. So you live in the jail still? You live in the jail. You only leave the jail for work. That's it. No furloughs. It's not like the halfway house where you have furloughs. You go to pharmacy. No. Okay. You got a certain amount of

fucking time. You have to call the fucking jail before you leave your job to say I'm leaving right now. Oh wow. Yeah. This is a hardcore. So that was the word on the street. They were gonna give me 120 days. Work release. Work release. Then they turned me down. First they turned me down. So now we were hoping on community corrections, which is you move right into the fucking halfway house. So we were trying to cut a deal for 120 days, work release. And you know what the sad thing is, Lee, that the only reason why I want to work release is so I can still do blow. Really? Because my attorney was gonna cut a deal with him for no piss test. Because it wasn't the state of Colorado. It was to say something weird. And when he told me that, I'm like, thank God. Thank God.

My attorney was like, listen, before you go into prison or before you go into these places, I want to put you on a program where you volunteered for your analysis. They would cost like $38 a week. And I would just go in on Monday and pee in a bottle to prove to them I was doing good. You know, the one time they called me at home and they said, listen, the level of THC and your piss was so fucking high. It's like you smoked a joint while you were pissing. At this time, I was getting this chocolate Thai weed sent out to me in the mail from Jersey to fucking Colorado. Because I had so much green weed in Colorado, I wanted to mix it up with some fucking redhead fucking shit. So I would have my buddy send me some chocolate Thai fucking weed

that was killing motherfuckers on 148th Street in Columbus right there by Columbus Circle in the city. They're fucking amazing shit. Jesus. So I was getting ready to go to prison. Okay. That's what I was trying to do. And I was working at Hertz. And I would fucking basically I would swim, ride my bike home, I would swim for an hour with the master swim program, ride my bike home, ride my bike back to her to work all day, ride my bike back home, hit the bag, dinner, pushups, run, go back, give the girl from the stabbing. And when she leave, I'd fucking do blow all night. I slept maybe an hour a night. Jesus. Maybe those days. I'm not even kidding. An hour a night. Maybe. I would snort till six, jerk off till seven, take a shower and go to fucking swim.

I was fucking crazy. Put some music on. So what were you doing until the 20th? Do you have? No, I don't know what I was doing. I fucking 20th exactly. I thought you had like a concert or something. I don't know what I was doing. I know what I was doing July 21st of 1982. What? Fucking that chick. I'd never forgot the date, the chick I wanted to bang for four years. Oh, okay. I never forgot the fucking date. You remember the date? Oh, fuck yeah. That's got creepy. Oh, fuck yeah. I even cut my fingernails. I still smell a little pussy in my fingernails. No, you don't. It's a joke. You fuck. Put the music on. What the fuck? Give me that weed and tell me you're smelling fingernails from...

Why are you talking over Ozzy? You're talking over Ozzy. Just like witches at black masses. Evil minds that plot destruction. Sorcerer of death's construction. Can someone who's listening get a screenshot of what Joey just did with his nose with the smoke? It looked like a dragon. I'm a fucking stone, but it looked like a dragon. You're talking over Ozzy. Don't worry about it. Where's the jumping jacks? Fuck you. Where's the jumping jacks?

Smoke it. Get up, motherfuckers. Get that oatmeal going. Get an apple for the teacher. Do something. Figure it the fuck out. Chinese people jumping off bridges. Are you fucking... Blast that shit, Lee. Listen to this motherfucker. Oh, shit. Why should they go on? Are you fucking kidding me or what? No, I'm not kidding. All right, all right, Lee. You're getting all excited. You're wiggling.

I'm getting all excited. You fucking fucker. You bad motherfucker. Before anything, let me tell you something. My man, Mike Doce, should be quality encounters. He's doing the show a big favor today. I was on the Onnet webpage again, getting my shit together. I had to put a little order in for Rio's. I'm going to try that testosterone. I'm going to try a couple things and I suggest you try some fucking too. You know, I went to Jiu Jitsu two days in a row. Yes, I did. Wow. 50 years old. I don't feel fucking bad today. You know why? Strong bone. The strong bone. I'm prepared. That's why you got to be fucking prepared. I'm not sore today. I had nothing. I have a little

bit of fucking my feet hurt a little bit from running on the mat. But besides that, Papa feels fucking good in my cardio. I mean, it's hysterical. I could roll for 48 seconds to a minute at a time, but I'm doing the drill. I'm doing my fucking... Gotta start somewhere. You're right. You know what, man? Listen, you know, I went home after, and it's weird where Lee, because I go Mondays and Fridays with the Blightbelt Marcelo and you do these calisthenics and shit. And I can't fucking do no calisthenics. I'm no fucking, you know. I just go there and go through the motions. But I try. That's the most important thing. You fucking try. But the beauty of it is that doing it, they do little drills. Like, you know, do judo rolls and all that shit

right there. I just want to put my jacket on and run up like right there. I feel so bad about myself. I feel so fucking bad about myself. I can't do a judo roll. There's so many more things. You just started a couple of weeks ago. Doesn't matter. You know, I should be doing this. You're so hard on yourself. Oh, please. You have to fucking be in this society. That's what the problem is. Everybody's so, you know, avant-garde about fucking their lives. You've got to, you know, that's because I don't see myself doing it. That's why. Because I'm 300 pounds. I don't see myself doing a fucking judo roll over my shoulder. But I also think about one other thing. I think about how 20 years ago I got on a stage and I had no material

and I was okay. And then a couple of months later, I won a contest. Maybe six months later, I won a contest and I had an idea. I had one joke that worked and I had an idea. But I think about then and I think about what I'm doing now and that's what will keep me going. That's why I tell people I didn't know this lesson. You know, yeah, comedy maybe at the end of it now that somebody mentioned it to me online. Comedy did save my life. But it was because I committed myself to it. Like I threw myself in there. I didn't fuck around. I didn't consider getting a day job. I did comedy. You know, I did fucking comedy. I ate it. I read it. I slept it. I had it in my ass. When I jerked off, a joke came out of my p-hole. Get what I'm saying? I mean, I fucking got

into it. So please, if there's something that you want to do, I'm telling you, man, take it from Youngwood, just dive into it. Just do it. Do it till you can't do it no more. Do it. Because sometimes I wanted to do it just to pain hurts. It fucking hurts. I remember when I would get that newspaper that the comedy people used to put out in San Francisco and they'd have a club listing in the back alley and I remember it used to pain me. Like when I would circle the comedy club in Seattle because I always thought I wanted to play there but I never thought I would. And that's even fucking better when you want to do something but you don't think you're good enough to be there. Then all of a sudden you end up there, you know? Doing comedy in front of thousands of people seems

a lot scarier than doing a judo roll. I mean, just thinking about, I don't even like going up in front of the 100 at the ice house and freaked me out the first time I did it. But you did it. No, not exactly. And that was a very big fucking step for you. I knew how hard it was for you and you did well. You held your own. It was Bert Kreischer the one time as Vinnie Curdo, you held your own. I was very proud of you. You just do it. And it's so weird. I bet you had doubts of walking off the stage saying Vinnie's talking. Maybe I should fuck you. Get off the stage. It's very weird how we give up on ourselves before the miracle fucking happens. And I'm sick and tired of it. I did it for years. I gave up on the guitar. No, I never really got into the guitar. I never even picked

it up. I'm so scared of that. But I gave up on fucking being a brick mason. I gave up on being an electrician because I never thought I could fucking do anything. No one's ever said that before. I gave up on being a brick mason. Yeah, I gave up on all these things because I never thought I'd be smart enough to do these fucking things. I always put them somewhere out there. I always thought I'd have a better chance of being a teacher before I fucking was a brick mason or something like that. But you have to stop that. That's a bad habit that I have. That's a bad fucking habit that I always say. It's like writing a book. And now I'm writing it. Now it's in my soul. I'm having a great time even writing one sentence a day. You know, when him and I started

a year ago, a year ago, this book should have been done. It should have been the number one bestseller. But I wouldn't write the right way. And one day he got back to me and he goes, do me a favor, just write one sentence a day. I'm like, one sentence. He's like, one sentence a day. And send me a paragraph once a week. Well, guess what? I'm doing so much better the last three or four months because I'm doing that. I write one sentence a day. So I can't wait to get to that fucking computer the next day and write another goddamn sentence. That's crazy. Yeah, it's really fucking crazy how you program yourself. People always, you know, well, everybody's looking to get motivated. Everybody's looking to fucking get a what's the other word I'm looking

for? Inspired. You got to do this on your fucking own. You know, sometimes I listen to music and inspires me so much that I have to write something to match with this. What I heard in lyrics, you know, sometimes there's fucking lyrics that just destroyed my insights. Really? Oh my god, there's some great lyrics. Tupac has some great fucking lyrics. Biggie, John Lennon's got some great shit filter. I can't think about it right now. You made me smoke that fuck. I made you smoke. We got one more left. I'm so I don't, I don't want the last one been this high from smoking. You know, I don't fucking leave. I don't show up here with such for an a fucking weed. I don't know how many times it's a mystery. I know that you rolled that before you got here. I don't like that. I think

you put some of that mystery hash in and again, you like that mystery thing. I knew it was mystery. I knew what they did. Let me tell you what they did. I didn't fuck that was that wasn't let me tell you what the roaches the other night. Well, let me tell you what they did. Okay. Do you see this jar right here? You see that? There's maybe 10 fucking roaches in here. Okay. Okay. There's half joint, you know, there's like little roaches each row to cut the paper off. It's going to be weed, but it's going to have this coating around it. And that's that that THC juice. That's the meat juice that when you smoke it, it goes into the joint. That's why the paper is brown. It's because of the fire. Well, the fire. So now I'm trying to drop some knowledge on it.

So this ain't high times. This is flavor. So now what you have is the other day when I went over to Divine Wellness for the tasting, the tasting, he said to me, he goes, I got a present for you. And what they do is they get a gram of OG weed, tremendous weed, and they dip it in hash oil. I knew I knew and they take it out and they put it. Listen to me. Hash oil. You didn't know it was hash. And they take it out and they put it on the table and let the fucking hash all sink into the butt. Why took that shit to the next level? I took this motherfucking put it in front of the fan. What does that do? Oochies moochies. The fans ride this motherfucking till it was brittle.

And that's why I put it in that glass pipe and it went down like fucking. I knew it was in the glass thing that the hash is always in. You told me it was roaches. It was roaches. The same fucking thing. It wasn't roaches. It was different. I didn't lie. No, same thing that comes if I were to take that roach right now, that brown stuff is hashish oil. Look at all these fucking beautiful roaches we got here. Should we kill one of these or spark a new one? What do you think? What would you do with my situation? I'm so stoned right now. So you have to be so fucking stoned. You took two hits. I took two hits on a camera. Get your fucking life together. How's the juicing going? It's going well, but I think I'm going to start the

other thing pretty soon. The meal plan. What meal plan? It's from My Fit Foods. Let me ask you this, My Fit Foods. Yes. Have you put a cheeseburger in that fucking machine yet? Tell me the truth. You can't put a cheeseburger in a juicer. How do you know? How do you know? Because it's a blender. There's no juicing apparatus. So did you blend the fucking cheeseburger? No. Tell me the truth. Why would I blend the cheeseburger? If I'm going to buy it, I'm just going to eat it. Thank God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit is my main man. Oh, shit. What's up, Joey? You know me. Over here talking to Lisa. He's talking about juicing fucking cheeseburgers. I'm not talking about it. Joey's talking about it. I have a fucking story right back to my 280 pound days.

I would juice fucking steaks, broccoli, potatoes. I put ketchup in there and drank that down like a savage. Why would you do something like that? Because I was fucking nuts and consumed with getting bigger and stronger. You know, East Coast style, Joey. So what would that do? So you'd be hungry later? I mean, a steak? That's what the Cubans do with babies. Like they blend black beans and rice and fried bananas and they give it to you one shot. Dude, it was the same fucking concept, just trying to get more calories in. I just couldn't eat any more food. So here's another way. Let me choose this shit and drink it down. God damn, Mike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jersey people. You know, I used to make that Jersey shake. I used to make this special protein shake.

Like 16 ounces of whole milk, a half a tub of ice cream, 10 scoops of protein powder, peanut butter, wheat germ, vitamin E, a couple fucking antivars. And we blend that shit up and drink it. Oh my God, it was good. A little Hershey's milk, a little Hershey's syrup. Tremendous. Fucking steroid milkshakes. Who's better than me? You know what I'm saying? Eight bucks of fucking popping Jersey. What's up, baby? So I'm watching the UFC the other day and I got you jumping around fucking making people do push-ups and throwing punches. Talk to us and I get emails that night. Joey, what's Mike Dolce doing? He don't tell us what's happening. What's going on? That's it. It's UFC. Check out UFCfit.com. That could probably explain it much better than I can.

But for the first time ever, the UFC has come out with an in-home training system and they brought me in to be the guy to build it. I was happy to do so. I wrote every word. So every word of the nutrition manual came from me. Every set, every exercise, every rep on the DVDs came from me. And then also I'm on there coaching you, you know, performing the exercises with you. It's just like my training camps for my athletes. And that's what they wanted. They want the real science broken down for regular people in home. That's the most important part. So you would look at a UFC fighter, 12-week training camp. That's what I did with UFCfit. It's 12 weeks broken down into four, three-week cycles. Each cycle progressively gets more

difficult. So the first phase, week one, day one, it's challenging, but it's possible for anybody. Now I've made UFCfit for the person that has not exercised in the last six months to two years. That's the person I want to get up off the couch, get moving, get working out. In those first three weeks, we build you to the level that you can go for the next three weeks and continue to build. And then the last three weeks are fucking absolutely amazing. You'll be in shape. You'll be able to fucking work just as hard as Chail Son or Tiago Alves or any of these other fucking, you know, world-class athletes that I train every day. And that's really the science behind it. We're trying to save people's lives with UFCfit. Not making a UFC fighter. We're trying to save

lives, get you ripped, get you laid, let you live long. That's the plan. Let me ask you this, brother. See, I never, I thought you just worked with people on their diets and stuff like that. You personally go down in and time them on their sprints and all that stuff also? Absolutely. I'm a better strength coach than diet coach. Just everybody knows me for the diet, right? And I'm pretty fucking good with the diet. But the strength coach side, that builds right in. I mean, you can't have one without the other. So what I think I'm best at is kicking. I say, I'm not a nutrition. I'm not a dietitian. I'm not a strength coach. I don't even have a label. I don't have a label. I don't have a title. I do so many different things. I'm an a la carte

coach. There's so many different things that I do for my athletes, my students, my clients. But really, you know, for the UFC athlete, it's periodizing your training system. It's peaking. I break like T.I. Graves. I had his life broken down until he was 35 years old. I mean, that's when I started working with him in 2010. That's what we did. Here was a kid that was, you know, 27 years old, 26 years old at the time. I said, shit, man, you're 26. You're just a baby. It was a tremendous success. You're going to go for another nine years. And that's what we did. So it's really that extended that long-term build out the periodization system, but the strength and conditioning, man, that comes in, right? I was 280 pounds, I squatted 840 dead,

lifted 765, then bench press 530. You know, and so as far as the strength, the power, the explosion, I have that skill set in spades, but also the weight cutting, you know, they just tie in perfectly. Dolce, I don't want to throw you off track or interrupt, you know, I love you, but you know, I'm a Cuban Jew. My wheels are always fucking turning. Remember those Kodak things when we were kids? The Kodak huts where you fucking drove up and you dropped your film for two days later. We're going to build huts and just sell breakfast bowls. That's the ticket. Forget all this shit, making athletes jump up and down and smelling fucking underwear in the fucking locker rooms and shit. And that was fucking Puerto Ricans. Fuck all that

shit. We're just going to get the breakfast because the other day it was trending on Twitter, the breakfast bowl. Like dirty fucking people were talking about the breakfast bowl on Twitter. I was dizzy and it came to me like fucking Moses. It just hit me. We got to start like little Kodak things were just a breakfast bowl. You drive up breakfast bowl and your special Dolce fucking water. Who's better than me, Dolce? And now they can't take the idea from you because Lisa is Jewish. Joey's in for 10% now. I'm in for five, five, five. You know how we do it, Mike. I didn't even know you did that. So now this program, how do people get this thing? They go online? Is it Amazon? Right now, the only way right now is to go online to ufcfit.com. It's sold

here in North America. So the United States and Canada is being sold right now. Then it's spreading soon. It's going to be in the UK. It's going to be down in Australia and it's going to wrap around. It's going to be in every country in the world. Right now, ufcfit.com. That's the only place to get it. Like you saw a little bit of TV commercials that are on Fuel TV. You're going to see more than a summer progresses into the fall. Christmas season. It's probably going to be Dolce space 24 hours a day trying to motivate you to get your ass up off that couch of training. Then 2014, we're going to be, we're going to be worldwide, man. It's going to be everywhere. I'm so proud of you, fucking Dolce. You really, uh, you believe in this and you fucking sell it and I see it in

your athletes, man. You know, I appreciate it. Oh, I'm, you know, I'm one of your fucking biggest family. This is all I do. It's all I think about is just trying to help people be better. You don't have to be a world-class athlete. You don't have to have six pack abs to be better. And that's my goal with the Dolce diet with UFC fit to help people be better to live longer. So you can be with the people that you love and you care about. You can protect them. You can, you know, build financial security for them. You can be a, you know, impart wisdom to them. That's, that's my motivation behind all of this stuff that I do. Coach, let me tell you something. I love the one book, the one book with the, with the workouts and I'll tell you what's helped me fucking immensely

is that treadmill running workout. I really got to be on, you know, I finally had the balls to walk into a Jiu-Jitsu place. It's a G place because I know it's a little slow and I'm a fat fuck, but I finally went in there and Dolce, the first three times were murder. It was like fucking doing doubles when you're a freshman in high school and you're running hills in North Jersey and I fuck it was murder. And I kept thinking about it and I go, Dolce can't save me. He's going to tell me we're from Jersey. There's only one way to get your endurance up when you roll. And that's to roll. That's to roll. Take it in there and go 30 seconds and then work it up to a minute and puke and then go another minute and a half. And then you go home, but you come back the next

day and Dolce yesterday, I went back for the first time after six weeks. I went two days in a row, which is big for me. And I went after Monday night because Monday night's Marcelo Madness, he makes you do burpees and fucking lunges. And then he makes you do all that judo shit and fucking the other, the cherry pickers. And then he does the technique and then you fucking roll. You know, I was in the shower 20 minutes later and I was still huffing and puffing in the fucking shower, Doug. But because of the treadmill thing, and now I alternate it with the political machine. So I either, and my knee was hurting and I said, you know what, I gotta get some blood in my fucking knee. I put the treadmill up to one and I did your workout, you know, the two minutes,

because I love it. The two minutes on. And you know what now, by the, by the 13th to 14th minute, I could actually do like 145 and run. So I appreciate, I mean, listen, we all know when you buy a book or you read something, if you get one fucking thing out of it, it was worth it. You know, and that's what I really got from it. Like, I'm scared about the deadlifts. I'm dying to do them. And that's why when I go to Vegas, I'm coming over here to teach me correctly, because I know if I start that lift, and it's all over, all of a sudden, you know, when you deadlift your dick grows like four fucking inches, because you're spinning, your spibula pushes your helmet out of your fucking dick. I think it's a fucking spibula. I don't know.

You're there, don't you? You didn't hang up on me? So you're doing the, the, the belcher diet, living the treadmill workouts, and we do have, you know, three different workouts built in into that with the beginner, the intermediate and the fighter. No, I can't do them. That's fucking torture. You, you guys make me sprint them between the fucking minute that that killed me one day. And on the treadmill, if you don't hit that button, you start running for like 40, 50 seconds. I'm having a, I've almost killed myself eight times on that fucking treadmill. You get on one of those runaway treadmills. You're like Denzel in that movie with the train and the white kid with the freckles.

That's it. And they got that out. Some of those treadmills, they have that, that safety. It's a little tag, you know, it's like a clip, like a clothespin that connects to your shirt and it also connects to the machine. So if you get too far off the treadmill, you know, you start to have a little problem back there, boom, it'll break and then the treadmill will automatically shuts off. Listen, fucking, you know, there's a thousand like me. I've done that a few times. Really? Oh, yeah. We get on there. You get cracking. How fast can I go? I'm just, you know, I'm a fucking tough guy. I can fuck this treadmill. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. You start fucking sprinting. Next thing you know, your gas, you're hanging out of the back of the

treadmill. Well, then what? You got to figure out a way to fucking jump off because you can't get to the button anymore. I've done that quite a few times. It's in the home alone. You know, it gets ugly. So I look for the treadmills now with that little clip on there when I know I'm going to go hard. So you use that stuff? I thought it was just there for like old people or something like that. But then I realized I'm fucking old. Yeah, me too, man. It's, I think it's for fucking, not for, I don't want to say stupid people. It's for motivated people like you and I, guys that are willing to end girls when I were willing to test our fucking limits and crash and burn in the process. Oh my God, sometimes I smoke a joint and I get on that fucking treadmill with your worker and I

get carried away. I forget I'm 50 and I go, well, let me do five more minutes. Let me do the sorry man's the same one more time, one more song. And man, the next day I'm fucking dying and I'm cursing myself because once you're loose, once you get over a certain age and you're loose, you don't give a fuck at that point. It's getting loose when you're at that age over 40 that you're like, oh, look at me. You know, I'm looking at Dan Henderson. What is he, 44? Are these fighting Saturday night? It's a whole different fucking world out there. It's a whole different fucking world out there. People are still going for it, man. So I appreciate what you're doing, Dolce. Your book has helped me. You, the fucking book made me a fan.

That shit, man. That's brother. I really appreciate that, Joe. And that means a lot, man. And that book is just a little part of my life trying to, you know, just share some information and again, just help people be better. And I, you know, I know, because you picked up on it and I started you certain tweet about it. You're talking to Logan about it. You're, you're going there and you're doing the thing, which I really appreciate. And you're sharing it to your people because you've got a huge fucking following the monster army that, that follow you, follow Joey Diaz. So by you shared it and you're at your helping people change their fucking lives too. And that's, that's what it's like because we want to keep our armies, you know, growing for decades, decades

to come, centuries to fucking come. So, I mean, I had anything in there to offer to a guy like you, man. That, that, that means a lot. I appreciate that. No, but look at even Lee started juicing. He's lost 70 fucking pounds. Lee, he's all head. He's all head and cock. That's all he is. And bang, you gotta see him. No, but man, you've inspired us and I want to thank you. And I know that a lot of people listen to the show and you know, it's crazy that people don't think they could do anything. That's the biggest misnomer because I've got to tell you, Dolce, I didn't think when I was, when I shot the longest yard, I thought I was doomed. I thought it was doomed. If it wasn't people like Ivan Salivary and some of the coaches in that movie that said, Joey,

you could just do a little bit every day, just a little bit. And I would go, come on. They go, if you walk on the treadmill, five minutes here, some people have given them hope because they think they can't do it. And that's what I like about what you say. And just even watching the USFC, you know, you could do this shit. I don't care if you're fucking 80, you could lose the fucking weight and be healthy, you know? Absolutely. It all comes down to decisions to choices. That's it. We just make one better choice today than we did yesterday. One better choice, one better decision. That's all I ask of anybody and anybody I fucking deal with, Johnny Hendricks, whoever all the way down to just regular Sheila in the middle of the fucking country that no one's

ever going to know, just do something better today than yesterday and then tomorrow and then the next day. And you just keep upping your game every day, just one percent, one little bit, one minute on the fucking treadmill and then go sit on the couch the rest of the day. And tomorrow we do two minutes and we build from there. You know, don't eat the fucking, don't drink a whole can of soda that shit down and extra ice cubes drink half and then slowly it's less and less and less and then it's fucking done out of our life. You don't have to go cold turkey. You don't have to go and fucking train two hours a day, day one. Fuck that shit. That's bullshit. You just have to be better. Do better, be better every single day. So there's no excuses. That's the biggest thing. Now if people

sit on their couch where they just fucking lay around. Hello. We lost him. He's in Canada. Yeah, don't fucking lay on the couch, cock sucker. Get up like today. Get up. Stop being a pussy. Get out there. Put your shorts on. Put your sneakers. Even Lee's going to fucking swimming pool. He went out there yesterday. There was a bunch of kids. He called me up and he was all fucking paranoid. I feel the same way. When I see young kids somewhere, I fucking avoid them. There was a birthday party in the pool. I didn't just see a random pack of kids. I can't stand that shit. When I see fucking kids, I fucking go the other way because you never know. Yeah. You know, not in a child molester. I don't even like kids in that fucking way. I don't even like young.

I didn't like young girls when I was young. That's the weirdest fucking thing. Yeah. When I was 19 and 20, I didn't like young girls. Now I look out on the fuck. You got a little pissy pussy and all that shit and crying and tears. You know, I don't like that shit. Mikey D, we lost you there. Hey, what's up? I don't know what happened there. This is Canadian Wi-Fi. I think it's fucking immigration cut you off. Let me ask you something. I hate asking you about your clients, but I gotta ask your question. How is our man doing? Mr. Lombard? Yeah, he's doing, he's doing very well. He's down there in American top team. He's training hard. He's ready to go. He's just waiting for a fight date, waiting for an opponent. How's his weight with the 170? His weight is great. I mean, he's

still, he bounces between high 90s and low 200s, which is, he's the perfect size welterweight, in my opinion. He's also, you look at him, he's perfectly muscled to be a middleweight and he's got big wins at 205. So Hector Lombard, he can be a three weight class athlete, almost like Manny Pacquiao, but that's really up to him. It's up to Joe Silver. It's up to Dana and it's up to Hector's manager, Dan Lambert. So I can help him do anything he wants to do. Oh, I thought he was dropping the 170. You know, it was, it's not confirmed. He's playing with the idea. He doesn't want to make any final decisions until the final decision is announced via the UFC. You, I mean, understand that situation. It's just a matter of who's the right opponent. What's the

right weight class? And he's just taken a little bit of time to scale both also, you know, he went on that UFC one, he won one, he lost two and they realized, so his weight is an issue. Let's see what's going on with his weight, with his health, with his level of fitness. That's why they brought me in. But also Hector, he's a smart guy. He wants to skill build. He doesn't want to just come back and be good enough. He wants to come back and be the greatest athlete in the world. So I respect that. We're hoping for somewhere, maybe late summer, maybe early fall, but we should have a friend announcement here somewhere, somewhere early mid, early mid-summer. All right, beautiful, man. Well, I love what you're doing. And I hope this thing fucking blows up you. You're a savage,

you deserve it. You know what the fuck you're talking about? Well, this is my fucking life, man. I was 280 pounds. I lost 110 pounds. I fought professionally. I set the record for fastest knock on the iPhone. I got my land welcome to fighter and that was as a part-time athlete. I was a full-time coach, coaching 40 of the best athletes in the world when I was doing that shit, just to show the guys that I could do it too. Don't fucking, don't just listen to what I say. Do what I do. Here, I fucking did it. Who else wants to lose 40 pounds in 11 days? I did that. So you want to listen to some, you know, pencil mic in a fucking suit in a lab coat? You want to listen to a guy who actually fucking did it and performed at eye level. So that's, you know, part of what I'm doing here.

It's, I'm not trying to make anybody do anything I haven't done. So it's deeply rooted in science, but it's also my professional, my personal experience that I give away here at UFC Fit and the Dolce Diet. Ah, you also doing something on it, that I saw on the, on the web page Sunday. Absolutely. You're like fucking, you're like dog shit. You're everywhere. You know, I feel just like you. I feel myself with the people, the companies, the brands that I like that I respect. That's why I'm a fucking believer and a little follower of Joey Diaz. Oh shit. No, no, I love that. You said that you give me goosebumps. Dude, and that's the fucking truth. I love you, man. I love everything you do,

everything you fucking put up. I consume your products as a consumer, as a happily loyal purchaser, a listener of you and all your shit. And I fucking love it. No, I love, I love everything about, you know, I'm not having problems with, they told me when I joined that you just to take glass of me, you know, for your joints and stuff. And I started taking the strong bone. And even now this morning, I'm very much in shock. I didn't wake up a lot sore than what I, I should feel, but I cover all the bases I stretch before I stretch after a lot of water and I take the fucking strong bone. That's it. You know, you live in the lifestyle and what it is on it helps live the complete lifestyle.

It's perfectly aligned with the Dolce diet principles of earth growing nutrients and, and I say no pills, no powders, because that's very important. Now with on it, they make, their pills and their powders are things that we cannot get. Most humans cannot obtain like the strong bone supplement or the 5-HTP, the new mood that I take when I fucking travel. And it kills my jet lag. I don't get jet lag as much as I travel because that new, new product, we're at that shit. I'm fucked. So there's a lot of, and then all of the, their cashew, and then their hemp force protein I absolutely love. I love that hemp force protein bar too.

Oh, it's amazing, right? So these are products that are based on the earth growing nutrients. I, I've been out there, I've met Aubrey, I've stated his house, I've toured his entire facility, I checked out the R&D. I know everything that goes into the process, not to all the guys in shipping and customer service. Before I endorsed on it, I checked out every single thing about them in their company. They're fucking amazing. I use them. I have their products in my hotel room right now here in Canada. They're in my cupboard, my family's at home using their products at home. That's why I support and endorse on it. No, I love that stuff. I really do, man. But that's it, Mikey D. I love you, man. I'm happy that you called in today.

Lee, you had some questions for Mike. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to keep you, and I know it's in the Delta Diabook, so I don't want you to give it away all for free. But I said, when I stopped juicing, I went back to eating for a little bit. And for someone who had, when I used to go to the grocery store, I would get snacks and and soda, and that'd be it. I was walking around, and they say, I was in the pasta aisle, and they had wheat pasta, but it had more calories than regular pasta. I was thinking about it, and I had, I almost had a panic attack. You have no idea what to get. So I didn't know if you had any hints for what to buy there, because the wheat stuff

isn't better for you, even though it's supposed to be, and I don't know. I just got confused. Yeah, with that pasta, it gets really confusing. I try and tell everybody, read the ingredients. I'm not really concerned about the macronutrients. That's the protein, the carbs, the fats. Not too concerned about that. That's not what I look for. I look at the ingredients. What are the chemicals in this? What is this product really made of? So that'll tell the tale. As soon as I see a word that I can't pronounce, I don't understand, I put that down. I don't care if it's zero calories or 800 grams of protein. I put that down, I walk away. Again, with the belce diet, my number one principle is eating earth-grown nutrients.

That's real food. When you eat real food, everything takes care of itself. Extremely high nutrient density at much lower calories than all other processed food. So I know I can get everything my body needs to be strong and healthy at the minimum calories, so I don't spill over and retain excess weight. That's why earth-grown nutrients are so important. Also, earth-grown nutrients have sustained all of life on this planet since the dawn of time. Now, again, you can't tell me some guy in a suit sitting across the table from another dude, the lab coat, 50 years ago, came up with something better than what has sustained our species since the dawn of time. That's bullshit. They're trying to make money off of us.

So we stay away from all the processed fucking bullshit, all the chemicals you kicked out of your life. I think that's why you found juicing so successful because when you're juicing, you have to juice real food. It's real food that you have to consume. You just happen to be juicing instead of chewing and eating it, right? Yeah, but it worked. But the issue I had was I would have salads and good food every day, but before I started again, I put 10 to 15 pounds back on because I had food in my system, but also because even though I think I'm trying to eat healthy, but you can't have any bread. It sounds like no bread and stuff like this. Nothing I know has no chemicals or anything like that. You have to eat completely vegetables and organic meat.

Could you have the organic, I call it wild caught. So wild caught game is the way to go. Again, no processing, no chemicals dumped in there. But also you want the animal to be in its natural environment and its right headspace. You don't want this tripped out animal just sitting in this fucking cage waiting to die for two years. No one is going to fucking die pumping all these negative chemicals into its body that you consume and then it gets absorbed into your system and fucks you up. So wild caught game is the way to go. There are some great products out there and I do talk about those in living lean. I have a full grocery list built out in living lean. Now we talk about Ezekiel bread. So you're talking about bread. I eat bread almost every day. I'm

actually six percent body fat right now. I eat bread on a single day. So that's Ezekiel bread. Bob's Red Mill. It's a company here in the United States. It's actually based in Portland. Bob's Red Mill. Those are the grain products that I use in my house. So check out the website. You can buy it on Amazon. Super cheap hemp seeds, chia seeds. What else? We got the high fiber oatmeal that I use every day. I've got to heal right now with me in Canada. So you can use lots of products like that. Do I understand you're going to produce such and do I only eat fucking produce? I'm going to kill myself. No, because under a chemo is another great product. So on the bulkhead diet we eat lots of carbohydrates. It's very

important. Postures we're talking about. Those brown rice pastas I use. I have that here. I've brought it from the States up here in Canada with me. That's what John McGuire is going to be eating on Friday night when he steps off the scale. So postures. I'm Italian. We eat pasta twice a week. Wednesdays and Saturdays in my house. That's the way we roll. So all these things get mixed in. You wouldn't know I have a fucking diet. If I tell you what I eat, you wouldn't think it sounds like a diet. You think I'd be a fat fuck. But it's not. It's all the way these meals, the nutrients combine together. And I understand what you're saying to me. You go to a supermarket and you're getting fucking sold bullshit. You're trying to trick for you and make you buy this shit.

And they're pumping you full of fucking chemicals. Not chemical like those commercials. Trying to make you feel like it's okay to buy that stuff. Then they got the packaging. They got the little green flowers on there. So you think it's natural and you'll say all natural. But guess what? Crack rock is all natural. It's not fucking good for you. You gotta avoid that shit. But it's true. It is true. It is true. I have no idea what to buy. And so can you get most of this stuff in a normal grocery store? Like if we buy, if we have living lean and we have a grocery list, can we go to Ralph's and buy 95% of it? Or do I have to go to Gelson's? Really? You got the Jewish and we like freaking out. 50 bucks a week?

Yeah, she's my co-op. So there you go. She pulled it out of us. And that's really under 50 hours a week. It's under. You check out my Twitter street. People blow that up. Yeah. So you say people say it's too expensive to eat healthy. No, it can be really expensive to eat healthy. But if you're smart, if you cattle, you're in a zoo, then it's easy. And that's what I make sure. I don't waste money. That money's going to go to my kids. It's going to go to my house and all these other things. It's going to go to Cherry. It's not going to go to some supermarket. It's not going to go to some company. I'm going to keep that where it's supposed to go. So inexpensive is very important. And you get high nutrient

intensity. I'm not talking shit here. You got people all over the world saying the same thing. It fucking works. So it's inexpensive. I love you, Mike Dolce. How long you in Canada for a little brother? How long you going to be in Canada for? I'll give you a holler next week. Thank you very much for calling and enlightening us. And good luck with the UFC. You deserve it, brother. You're a fucking savage. You're an ambassador of health. Love you guys. Love you, brother. That's a great fucking call. Yeah, I love my job. You get to make side. I want to jump off the fucking window and go right in the pool right now. And he lifts it like the time I met him at your house to watch the fights. People come over with food for fights and it's wings and stuff and he

brought a tomato and basil salad. It was delicious. It was great. The blue chips. Yeah, and hummus. I still buy the blue chips. The spicy blue chips. Yeah, I fucking love them. I love them. See, you learn something very fucking good. You do. And we need an edible today and nothing. Aren't you happy? And I'm happy that he talked about honor. People, do yourself a favor. Go to honor.com. Get the new mood. Try out the alpha brain. Try out the smallest mix and match. They have a mix and match package. You know, if you want to get ropes or battle ropes or fucking the whatever, that's your choice. But to get started, go to honor. Read what they're about. Maybe they're a little pricey for you. Like Joe says, read what they got and make your own fucking pills

and blow your house up. I don't give a fuck what you do. Go to honor. See what the options they got and how it fits what you're doing and what you're trying to do. You never fucking know. That's it. Stay black. You go to honor. You order something. You go in the box. You write church. And that's it. Bing, bang, boom. Get this gorilla out of my fucking room. They send your emails to give you a couple points off. And who's better than you? No, you're looking like fucking Johnny. Bananas. Bananas before the operation. You see what I'm saying? And then after you go to honor and go to Hulu Plus and sign up there. It's a HuluPlus.com slash Joey lowercase lowercase bitches don't be a mom all your life or there's a there's a banner

joeideas.net where you can also get t-shirts and just go to joeideas.net. Pressing the Hulu. Go to hulu.plus.com. Sorry about that study. Go to huluplus.com. Pressing Joey lowercase. You get two weeks for free. Go on. They get community. Get SNL. Go back. Look how far do they go back with SNL? Just for the season, I think. Yeah. And then they have 10 seasons of the biggest loser. Yeah, come on. They have four seasons of prison break and fucking prison break. You're planning your own prison break. How are you going to break your mother out of that? And the one thing I wanted to mention is a lot of these things when you sign up for free stuff, they're like, oh, put a credit card in just in case. All you need is an email address. It doesn't

even have to be your email address. Put your mother's email address in and you get two weeks. They don't ask you anything and it's not, you don't have to put a credit card. They don't start billing you later. You get two weeks free. No fucking drama. No nothing. If you like what you get after two weeks and you say, you know what? I don't need this. I don't need that. Boom. 799. Boom. Like a doctor. And there you are. After you work out the gym, you're taking a little on it, new mood. Bam. You can lay down and watch your favorite shows. Even the Twilight Zone. How's that, Lisa? How you fucking around no more? I don't have time to mess around. I got to go home now and babysit. Was this the hash weed? No, this is not hash weed. All right. This was just

kryptonite, bitch. This is the shit they tried to give. This shit killed Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe's alive. No. Russell Crowe's the father of Superman. Momo, he tries to play Marlon Brando's car. How is this supposed to know that's where you were going? No one knew that's where you were going. But that's why you got to plan ahead when you deal with Uncle Joe. You got to look for the next fucking move. The old Superman's a thing of the past. Being a kingpin, you got to fucking look at the new Superman. You following me? Are you going to go watch that? Not in a million fucking years. Why not? You're not going to give a fuck about Superman. You know who Russell Crowe is? I know they're in the movie because they saw the commercial while I was watching the countdown.

You're going to put some music on for Uncle Joe. What do you got? You got some Spanish music for me, don't you? No. What do you know about music? Don't you know I'm having a heck of a vote? I can get some, but you know what? You know what's going to play. What are you going to play? Look at Lee. A little super fly for you motherfuckers. Get up, bitches. Watch that pussy. You want a date tonight, don't you? You want motherfuckers to knock on your door. Watch that monkey. Shave it. Leave the afro right above the fucking noodle. Surprise. Go, Lee. We're going to fuck with Joey, baby. Oh, shit. Oh, super fly. You bad motherfuckers. Wednesday, June 12th. You got the world by the fucking balls.

My man, Connor, healing in Boulder, looking out for Lee Syat. My main man, Connor, he'll love him. He's my fucking physical, my other physical fucking advisor. Look at our Twitter. If that picture is a real tattoo, first of all, that is not real. There's no way someone has a barbed wire around their asshole. That's the second time I've seen, I saw a chicken boulder with a rabbit going into her ass. Yeah, but that's not barbed wire. It doesn't matter. You're going to have a good time. It's so scary. So we're going to fly out tomorrow. We'll get down down tonight. What do you mean tomorrow? I thought we were flying out Saturday. Saturday. What am I? You confused? Saturday. This isn't happening. I'm going to lick her ass and she's going to fight. You're facing weight.

I'm going to give a couple of these hemp protein bars with some chia seeds. You already said she was a body. Then you come back and we'll have a good time. All right. What are you scared of? There's no way this is happening. Did you see the idea I had for you? You're going to get a straw. I'm going to put up her ass. I'm going to duct tape her ass and when she fights, it goes into your mouth. It doesn't spray on your face. You just get a little air in the back of your throat. Like a binocular blast. You know binocular blasters? No. You have bad breath. You get that spray on your teeth. Yeah. Why does that have to be poop though? So don't you want to fart in your throat? No. Why not? When was the last time somebody farted in your throat? I really need to start

recording our phone calls because this is what you sound like at one in the morning. You're still like, I got it. I'm going to get a straw. I don't know if it's bendy yet or metal, but we'll figure it out. Then I'm going to get the duct tape all right and it's like 20 minutes. I'm at work trying to do work and you're like 20 minutes. And then your birthday is July 20th. So we're going to try to have a birthday party for you that Wednesday at the ice house and that's when we'll do a live chick fart in your face. We'll get the chick from El Monte that wants to fart in your face. You've got a nice big ass. I'm telling you three, four farts in the face. Why is it that it's always going more? So I'm thinking of having a fart orgy where there's like six or seven chicks bent over ready to fart

and you just go from asshole to asshole and they fart in your face one of the shots. I have to have a life out of this. I can't remember the fact that I'm even saying the word fart orgy on the internet. We're going to shave your head. My kids can't be president now already. We're going to shave your nose hairs. I don't have nose hairs. So the fart don't get stuck on any of you. I don't have nose hairs. I'm 24. Yes, you do. That don't mean that. And I saw one the other day. No, you don't. Fucking hello to me. Why are you bullshitting? You have nose hairs. I don't have nose hairs, little liar. Why are you going to get together? You know, I love you. You know, I love me. Give me some shout outs kind of you and you know, I love you. Oscar Nunez, Aaron Espinoza, Mac Fab,

Chris Lee Brooks, Chris Schoenberg or whatever your fucking name. Jiu Jitsu wife. I love you. Jill Himitsu. Hope you're doing better. The whole death motherfucking squad crew. Aunt Ella. I love you guys. Wise guys. Friday boat shows sold out. They tried that weekend. I can't do it. I got all that shit on Saturday. Plus we're flying out the fucking Denver Saturday night. Everyone give them shit on Twitter on Monday when we didn't go. I know we're not going. We're going to Denver. No, we're not. We're going to Denver. I talked to the colleagues, get us a camera. He's not going to take that. And we're going to do an octagon to even give it more effect. I can't wait till Monday. I can only picture Monday morning.

So dude, our flight. Oh, we're getting in a point. Fuck United. The farmers market. I couldn't go United because it wasn't a week notice. Fuck off. So I fucking had to go Expedia dot com. You told me it was United. I know it's a United flight, but I didn't go to the United. I had to go to Expedia because it's a three day flight. Expedia. The gnome didn't give me my points. You're going to fucking Denver. No, I'm not. There's no way I'm doing it. There's no way. No more. No more crying. I'm not crying. You should not be fucking emails. I got two weeks ago about you never being at a strip club. How many people think that I'm slipping. They're saying I'm not a good uncle. You don't like strip clubs either. I don't like them. That's why,

but you have to start going. You're a 24 year old man. Why am I going to waste money in a strip club? You got to go away. We're going to Denver. Denver has great strip clubs. They got shotgun willies, but we got to go take you to a deep, deep, a nude one where they, you can't drink booze. Why can't you drink booze in the nude one? Because people like you'll lose your fucking mind, the jewel, come on, you're a stabber bitch. I love that senior family guy. Where did the senator kill the hooker? They don't sell booze. You have to, it's BYOB. You bring your own booze. That's where the place I went crazy at with the eight ball with the Korean chick. What? When I had the coke rock on her ass and I had to go back to the halfway house.

Oh, yeah. I went back to the halfway house. I couldn't stop jerking off. It was a fucking nightmare. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you got to whack her off. Sounds terrible. What are you going to do, Lisa? So what do you got planned for the weekend? You going to go see? I thought we were going to go to Denver. Friday night. I got a pack apparently. What do you mean? What pack? I have work. I have work. Takes too fucking you people while you're in a pack. How long does it take to pack three minutes? I have work Friday night. Take two bad pants and two brush, a little soap for your nuts, some socks, a few t-shirts. Nuts. I want to get a dictionary. No, I have work Friday night.

All right. Where's this Ashley, bro? You broke it off. It's over. We're friends. No more love. She knows where she lives. Are you over? Yeah. All right. You're down to the new chick. You got like three or four new bitches. No, I don't. I have one. What happened to Rosie in Boston? She's done. She's right there. She has her own life going on. We're still tough. When was the last time you talked to her? A couple weeks ago?

Don't be lying to me. So it's over. A couple weeks ago means you're not sending the pictures of your little Jew bird no more. What do you mean Jew bird, huh? Your little filthy fucking. Anyway, that's it. It's over. You know, I love you, cocksucker, right? I love you too, buddy. You're a good man today. That was a good podcast. You're going to swim today? Yeah. All right. What else are you going to do? Going to sleep. Going to plan my dumb and go look at restaurants in Denver. Did you do any jumping jacks? I just did jumping jacks.

Make sure you shave your nose hairs. Make sure you put some Vaseline in your nose. The Q tip. Everyone tweet me, Lisaite on Saturday and I can tell you that I'm not in Denver. You're going to be fine. You're going to be a good boy. You're going to have a good time. You're going to break your fucking brain. How the fuck are you still a virgin? I'm not virgin. Has a woman ever stuck a finger up your ass? No. Never? Not even a pinky? That sounds terrible.

Not even rub the finger? I don't want a girl. How about machining on your asshole with a pinky? Nothing? That's worse than just... Have you ever had like a chick put spit on your asshole and shake it up like that? Go like this? Like she just makes it up eggs? You don't do that shit like that? No.

You let chicks squeeze your nuts? Yeah. That's another thing. You like that? You don't fall apart when they squeeze your one nut real fucking hard? How hard do they squeeze it? They've never squeezed it that hard with me. Any chicks suck your titties ever? No. One girl, my friend that I haven't joked with, one girl bit my nipple and like it broke the skin and I hated it. She thought it was cool. Some guy must have told her he liked it once, so she just kept doing it.

Your dick didn't get hard? No. It made it go away. I hated it. And did you pull a hair? No. I didn't. Did you ever pull a chick's hair? I just had a girl say that she liked being choked and it freaked me out. You never choked a bitch? No. I don't know.

You make her wear like a t-shirt and you grab the cuff over here? That's not... No. She liked this. She liked the... Oh, yeah. You know. How do you do that? Tremend? How do you know you don't kill them? Like, and what if I like... If I like that, that's terrible. That's even better.

It's just horrible. And you become fucking fine. I don't want to know that I like that. You choke them with one hand, you finger them with the other one, and then at the end when they come, you fucking drop that elbow on them. What? You never drop an elbow on a bitch's neck. You just...

Not even on the head? You're injured on the neck? On the neck. I don't want to breathe when you choke them. So you choke them, right? Or it's they're going, you fucking drop that elbow on them. Really, I never fucking choked a woman. I pulled a woman's hair. You hit... You hit... What's your name with this steak?

Carol, yeah, but that's not choking her. Hitting somebody with a steak and choking a bitch is two different things. That's a little extreme, don't you think? Choking somebody? Did you cook... Did you cook this steak after? I don't think... No, I gave it to my friend Gavin. I don't think I could choke somebody and fuck them up. That's... That's beyond me. But yeah, you're going to send me looking a tattooed asshole.

That's a party! And it has to have some sort of herpes. That's got a tattoo on the asshole. How can I heal? It closes up. Lee, you're 24 years old. Yeah. You've never even...

It's time for you to get herpes. Why? I don't want herpes. Maybe a ghost or herpes would help you out. It would not help me. How's that going to help me? Even less girls would want to sleep with me. You need chlamydia, you need fucking... Why? Are we going to tell them you got herpes?

Don't say a fucking word. What? You don't say nothing. You got herpes, you spread that shit on the fucking clue. This is... The police have to be coming. Look at the first podcast. The NSA is going to be like, we don't have enough people to send to that apartment.

Listen to me, though. You don't have to tell nobody that your personal sexual fucking... Yes, you do. You never got crabs either? No. See, this is the problem. You gotta get there. There's no...

Are you serious? Yes, I'm dead serious. You don't tell... This is the... You know, you got herpes, no crabs, no chlamydia. What have you done? You went to college. Yeah.

You got an internship. What the fuck? You got to get it together, kid. I don't want to get herpes or crabs. You got to do something. No, you don't. You got to pick one. Why?

You got to pick one. You got to go on fucking lying on Twitter tonight and write down, looking for a chick with the herb. And see who fucking gets back to you, because a lot of chicks got her. That sounds like the worst. So what? They got a little pimple on their lip once a month.

You pop that motherfucker and you stick your stomach in. That's probably the worst thing you can do. It probably spreads when it's broken. This fucking guy. Listen, I love you, motherfucker, from the bottom of my heart. I love you from the bottom of my heart. This motherfucker guy never got crabs. Nothing.

What kind of plan are you, Doug? Well, who doesn't get crabs? You got the chick's ass and she had a little crab going through. Like a little sand monkey. No, freak me out. What are you talking about? A little crab walking into her asshole and then turns you on. Oh my god, you have no idea.

You never put a pair of pants on. You get like this itching your asshole and your ball sack and you got crabs. Poor Lisa. Yeah, this book is a little fucking good. You put your pants on and then it's gonna itch into your asshole and then you get crabs. It's like an infestation of fucking little bites in your dick. You take your underwear off. You got like a thousand little red marks from blood from where they bit your little fucking pig.

What would you do, Lee? You never got none of these diseases? No. You never got the herp in your throat? Nothing. In my throat? No. Michael Douglas saying you got cancer from eating pussy?

That's what he says. I taste the cancer. His ex-wife came out and said it wasn't that. What was it? I don't know. I didn't read the, I just read the headline. How did she say it? It wasn't that.

It wasn't that. Fuck you. I don't say it like that. People, I love you to all my heart. Thank you very much. And those podcast guys got silly, Lee. Connor Hewan said, don't worry. I got the ladies at the North Boulder Ballet,

AKA eating broccoli for the Lee Science Fartology. I told you. I told you. We're going to fuck your world up. It's all over. Connor, am I coming in the den? I know I'm looking at a Twitter thing. You're fucking coming in the den.

There's no way. We're going to take you up to the bus stop. We're going to fucking tie up to a tree up there. Why am I doing a bus stop? I thought. Don't know. There's a club called the bus stop. We're going to take you up to the fucking mountains by Lee Hill.

Up there, we're going to tie up to a tree. There's a chick that'll fucking shit on you. We're going to have a good time. Who's the last time a chick just diarrheaed on you? That's what we need. Some chick just to fart on you and rub it in your fucking leg. I need a lawyer. You don't need a priest.

What do you need a lawyer for? You need nothing. I need that priest to do your job. You're fucking Jewish. A priest won't even talk to you. He talked to me. No, you're Jewish. I love you guys.

Stay black. Have a good weekend. Keep it together. Connor, we'll see you Saturday. We'll bring in this fucking guy up to the hills at gunpoint. This cop sucks. Now that the show's over, thank God. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to joeides.net and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, the banner at joeides.net or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Lowercase. Got a parting word?

I can't believe we never got crabs from a chick. No. What type of Jewish plus? That's going to be on my headstone. Never got crabs. You're going to get crabs as weak as I can. This chick had something. I know she had something.

Of course she had something. She's barbed wire around her asshole. She had something. I just don't know. So what? You just, we'll give you some tomato juice. You put it on your hand and you're back in war. Like a skunk.

Have a great weekend. Talk suckers. I love you. Put some music on. Why is it a skunk? Is it to get the skunk tomorrow? Then you put some fucking music on you. Fuck.

It's like a skunk. Where's the music? Like a skunk. Get together. I'm so good.