Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/19/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #90

Episode Date: June 20, 2013

Omar, the editor of Joey's book calls in to talk about the thought behind the book and to give a status update. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/19/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, Self Park, SNL, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's that time of the motherfucking day. Wednesday, June. What the fuck is it? 19th, 2013. Where the fuck are you, motherfucker? Watch that pussy. Get up. Hit it. Oh, shit. Here we go, motherfuckers. What? Listen to this shit. Oh, oh, shit. Fuck Abe Lincoln and fuck one. Listen, this is fucking history right here. Hit it. Oh, stop it.

You think he was smoking sativas or fucking? He didn't give a fuck. Here we go. There you go, Lisa. I killed that motherfucker. I said, we're starting a Wednesday morning here chopping fucking mountains down. How old was he when he passed away? Who gives a fuck? He was young. He was young, man. He was like 20 something maybe. He's motherfuckers. The government took him out young. So if you next time you think they listen to your emails, these motherfuckers got killed by the government for playing the fucking guitar. Welcome to Eddie Bravo Radio. That's right. Oh, fuck. I just threw that road your way. You got me on. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up Wednesday, June, whatever the fuck it is. 19th. What's happening, Lisa?

How's the juicing going? Feeling great. I'm not juicing right now. It's kind of like the way you do the on it stuff. After a while of doing it, I'm kind of getting sick of it. So we're going to start My Fit Foods. I'm starting it July 5th. And after that, we build juice again. Why July 5th? June fucking 17th. Why is it always nine weeks away? Because it's a 21 day program. Right. And we're going to San Jose before then. And then the 4th of July. So I'm going to do our yesterday. No, I didn't swim yesterday. What is it going to continue? What is it going to end? You know, I don't know, man. I'm lazy. Beautiful fucking day out there. Beautiful fucking. It is. But I also I also work 12 hours a day. And then I do on Tuesday on Mondays and Wednesdays. I do

that. What 12 hours do you do? You're going at six. I go I have to leave here at five. All right. I work a 10 hour shift. And then I come back. So maybe it's an 11 and a half hour day. All right. And you still have 10 minutes to fucking for your health to jump in the fucking pool. I'm eating healthier. I did you see at Yum Yum Donuts? You call me. You forgot what you're going to say. And then you call me back. You're like, I remembered. They got juice now. They got fucking juice at Yum Yum Donuts. You get a juice, a beet juice and a chocolate donut. I hate beats. I fucking hate them. Russian Jews love them like that. I don't read sweet things. I fucking hate them. And when that red juice dips into your food, I hate you even fucking. There's like a cold

soup. I can't remember what it's called. But they put sour cream in it. And I Jews love it. I can't do it. And like my 90-year-old aunt made it. It's horrible. That shit's hard. I know exactly what you're talking about. Fucking horrid. Yeah. I listen since I listen. I fucking hate beats since I can't remember. Can you understand me? I hate beats. I hate that red fucking water. You know, I like Kool-Aid, but I hate that red fucking water that beats got when they dip like they touch your mashed potatoes. I don't like nothing touching my mashed potatoes. You understand? Oh, you don't like that? Nothing. I don't like cranberry juice, cranberry sauce. I don't want nothing touching my mashed potatoes. That's the quickest way to start a war. Do you mix it up?

Like, I always always take like a mashed potatoes, corn and chicken or whatever the meat was. I would have it like all in one bite. You know, you don't do that? Yeah, yeah. I like to get meatloaf and mix it with the mashed potatoes. You're so excited. I like that motherfucker. Oh, I love meatloaf. That's not love fucking meatloaf. Oh, some good American fucking meatloaf. God damn. With some mashed potatoes and some cream corn, which I can't do cream corn. I'm a cream. I'm a corn no matter what. I love corn. So let me tell you what happened this week just so you fucking know. What happened? So I went over to Divine Wellness on Monday, right? Oh boy. I had run some errands after the podcast. I had a meeting and I think I went to Divine Wellness

at about one o'clock. Okay. I came back over to help. I stopped and then I get my my little fucking tuturuts, my little bag of reefer and I get the the sky walk that's really good over there and I get a bang bar, the mini bite, the 180. Okay. And I get these little chocolate one hits that they have these little dark chocolate milk chocolate who gots little pills they have. No big fucking deal. No big deal. So I pop them outside. I go home. I get my writing stuff and I go over to the coffee shop. I'm sitting there writing mine in my own business and it's starting to overwhelm me. I'm drinking green teas and this fucking edible is starting to take me creep and I'm smoking the vapor pen, you know. And that's when you call me the first time then probably.

No, this is like 2.30 in the afternoon. Yeah. No, it was early stuff. Okay. Trust me. I was so high I couldn't even call nobody. I was getting higher by the minute I kept looking down. Did you get any writing done? Oh yeah. That's when I fucking go crazy. But as I'm evolving, you know, I'm giggling by myself. That's how I know I'm getting something good when I'm giggling. Like the pen doesn't fuck you up. Like sometimes when I do stuff like that, I can't even like pick up my phone or something. So I'm over there writing, putting two pieces together. Let me tell you something. I was getting high and high by the fucking minute. And I kept looking at the clock going like I got to leave in 30 minutes. There's no fucking way.

I would look at it. I got leaving 20 minutes. There's no fucking way. When I got to like five minutes, I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get home? That's how fucking stoned I was Monday. That's how edible that I was. And I went to Jiu Jitsu. Did you go home? No, I went home. Slept for an hour. I was so high at 10 to six. I told my wife, wake me up at seven. She woke me up. I drank a cup of coffee. I washed my pussy. I sat there going, what am I going to do? I got to do one of the two. I really got a kickbox, go to Jiu Jitsu. I sat there. I sat there. I was fucking stoned. I said, fuck it. I went to Jiu Jitsu. I did Monday Madness and I did the roll and I was fucking dying. And I got back and that's when I was calling it even. I went to Jiu Jitsu. I was

blazed. So anything I went and did yesterday, I got the same combination. Oh Jesus. I ate dinner with my wife and I was in bed at nine o'clock last night, stoned to the gizzills. And did you have Dr. Amy yesterday? Jesus Christ. I got the cups. I got two doctors yesterday. I had to go to knee doctor yesterday. How's it going? So they're going to shoot a fucking gel in my little kneecap in my right leg because I have a little arthritis still left in there. Yeah. So three weeks in a row, I got to drive to Marina fucking Del Rey and they're going to shoot me. Can you imagine the shit driving? That's like, are you fucking kidding me? I got to drive 40 miles to go get pain. Yeah. And I don't know if I can make it back. Like, I don't know. I was going to say, I'm surprised

you like how the pain is worth. The pain is not that bad. Listen, the pain is not that bad right now, but it's going to get worse. I'm getting. Oh, I know it's worth it. But just knowing you, how do you traffic? Oh, but I'll do it like 12. So I have to leave my house at 1045. By 1045, it's pretty open. You're taking a fucking chance. How long? Even if I faint at 12, but I got to sit there for an hour. Yeah. I could make it home to by three o'clock if I leave. So it's not fucking bad. But it's funny because I meet with this guy, John Salami, who's one of Eddie Bravo's black belt, but John's a fucking great guy. John used to run 10 planet Portland. Okay. And he's back now. And today we're going to do some jiu-jitsu stuff. And it's funny how

John and I are both in Jersey. He's maybe five years younger than I am. And we get together once a week. And we just talk about, did you not meet with us one time? We just talk about different movies and different things that I grew up with in Jersey. I don't think so. Since he really knows Jersey, we really talk about. And last week we met and we were talking about the thing I always tell you in 85, the last three days I was in Jersey when I found out that Colombians that had Rob were looking for me. I found out that my stepfather was looking for me. And then that last day when we were talking, we were laughing our asses off. So he told me to write something in that Tuesday, the Monday when I ate the edibles. I swear to

God, I went and wrote. And I wrote about my life. Today, Omar is going to call who's the editor on my book that we're putting, we're writing together. And it's funny that I was writing. And by the time of my life when it was so scary, Lee, I had to put the pen down and start breathing. Like it affected you that much? The other day, like it fucked me up. Like when I got there, I was writing jokes. But sometimes my jokes aren't flowing. So I write something else. I pick a subject and I'll write that subject out and that'll give me ideas to write the jokes. So instead of sitting there staring up to the sky with a pen hitting your fucking teeth, thinking you're writing something, something you know about. It could be about me and Lee's

trip to New York. So I'll just write it out. We arrived at Newark, Lee fucking sat in 42nd Street. We had to pull him and he missed the guy smoking the joint. You'll never live that down. And then you had to call a commentary. You put the funny words. You had the twist to it. So it's jogging my memory. But I'm thinking about when I moved in with the benders, after my mother died, after like three months, I had a little bit of money left to other people. Give me the funeral. What's this ocean on? It's a plane. I thought it was a fucking ocean here. Lower that shit, Lee. One of your microphones is too hot. I'm getting planes. I'm flying over Burbank. Yeah, that shit. Yeah, it's right over my, it's right over my road. There's no even banks.

I thought it fell in the fucking ocean. I thought it was a SpongeBob sweatpants. That was living in a pineapple. You had one of those chocolate pills already this morning, didn't you? No, I had nothing this morning. I just had a piece of bread and a protein shake. Had a little piece of Italian bread with butter and a protein shake. But it was a time right when John Lennon died in 1980. You were still itching your daddy's pants. I was living with the benders. I was going to East Rausberg. So get it. Let's say, let's pretend, let's pretend people. I was 17 years old. Okay. I was selling ups. I was selling acid. I was selling mescaline. I was probably making 600 a week off the speed, the black beauties. I was probably making 900

off the mescaline. A week? A week. This is when I was a junior in high school. That's why I tell people I was making more money when I was a kid and I haven't made ever fucking before. You should have a mansion in every state by now. You fucking believe that. But I wasn't making mansion money. I was making a couple hundred. Well, if you hadn't spent, if you hadn't spent all that money on below over the years. No, no, no, no. That was survival. When I was 16, it was survival. I didn't have a mommy and a daddy. So get that. It wasn't blow. Well, no, no, but I'm saying it was like 1500 a week. No, it wasn't blow. I was survival. I didn't have a mom and a dad. I didn't cook. You don't cook. You eat at Slite. You eat at Nix. When I was 17, I was eating at restaurants. You understand me?

I didn't cook. You know, I didn't have nowhere to cook. So there was no blow. And blow was $40 that I was living. I was buying my own clothes. You know what I'm saying? So don't even know. No, no, no. When I was 17 and you guys are at home, mommy make me a sandwich. Joey was doing something completely different. You're following the same thing. So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about I was doing that. I was probably going out five nights a week and I was doing everything else when I was 17. But there was a point when I was 17, where I got mixed up with cops. What do you mean? I started hanging. I started. There was a guy I knew that he was just a dear friend of mine and he sold coke. Okay. And one day I went over there to buy coke from him.

And his cousin was there. It was a cop. Did that freak you out? Not at all. Not at all. Because I knew he should. I could have been there. He wasn't supposed to be there. Okay. So he wasn't supposed to be there. He was there hanging out. He wasn't there. Right. But they were cousins. Okay. So he saw that I was friends with him and he was like, he's cool. And I'm like, I'm cool. I'm just going to get some fucking blow like everybody else. And I got the blow and a couple of days later the cop approached me. He goes, listen, man, that was really a fluke that you saw me over there. So what I want you to do is this from now on, I'm going to stop by the basketball courts in the daytime. Yeah. I'm going to give you money and you're going to go over there right

in the daytime and pick up coke for me and I'm going to come by your house at night and pick it up from you. So I won't be seen over there. Okay. Something happened. The guy packed the dealer. Yeah. One night I was walking home and he was driving home and the cops were chasing him from the middlelands. And he gave me some coke and I took it home. And I never opened it. I don't remember. He told me a couple of months ago. He goes, and after that I gained a lot of trust in you. You were a young man. I could see that you were a kid, but you were a man. And he goes, so I started trusting you. So I come over to my house and I remember going to his house and me and Carlos Cantero, we were all family over there. So one day he says to me, can you do this

for me? Instead of me going to my cousins and getting blow, I'll give you the money. You go over there and I'll meet you at night. Yeah. So here I was at junior high school. I would go home at night. At about 11 after going to my girlfriend's house and holding hands with her and watching like happy days. What the fuck you watching those days? Yeah. Or if not, I'd be at Villa's house, smoking dope, fucking playing the drums and then I'd go home early. And he'd get on shift at a quarter to 12. He'd work 12 to eight. So he would pick me up in the police car, in a fucking police car. We'd go get an eight pack of Coors nips, which is six ounce nips. And we'd put them, we'd get them really cold. There was a bar, Ernie, men write together Ernie's and we'd get cold beers

at Ernie's like going to police car. And we'd go by Big Mouth sandwiches. And there was a parking lot behind Big Mouth on a slab. So you could see people speeding. We'd sit up there and we'd do lines of blow while we watched it. So I was 17 and this cop was 30. So it was better for him to have you pick it up and bring it to him in his car so he could drink and do it. We would just go to his cousin's house. Well, he didn't want to let us say the feds were watching the cousin's house. Do you follow me? But he was doing it in the car. They're not watching you in the fucking car. You're watching cars speeding by. Okay. He was on shift, Lee. I know. He was on shift. So you found somebody suspected it. Okay. You understand me? Jesus. You're a drug dealer and the feds are

across watching you. And I come over here. That looks worse. Okay. They're not going to watch everybody who goes in there. They're watching the fed. Okay. They're watching the dealer. They're not watching them and then watching their lives. They're watching you going to that guy's house. Okay. So here I was with this cop. But this wasn't, this was four nights a week. Me and this cop would get high four fucking nights a week. And after a couple of weeks, other cops would join us. And we'd all sit on that hill and watch people speed. They'd think we had the radars on them. No, we didn't give a fuck. We were sitting up there doing blow. You understand with us? At 17. At 17. So I'm doing this shit. So here's what gets better. So now every time I knew in the back of my head,

I could do whatever the fuck I want. Because whenever it came down to it, they were on duty. And I could just call them and say, call those fucking cops. So do you understand where I'm going? So at 17, here I was. And Lee, you talk about 12 hours a day. Listen, I was going home at four in the morning. I was part of the work study CIE program. Okay. So my first class was a 730 guy. You understand me? So next time you talk about, I asleep. I slept three hours a fucking night in the night school for all you little fucking faggots out there. I'm tired. Okay. It's not like you're up doing homework. For the fucking seven, I would sleep. They'd pick me up and I'd be at school at 730. Then at 1230, I'd go to a lumberyard and I'd work till fucking five. And then I'd go

home, eat, and at seven o'clock, I went on dead drugs. Like any other teenage kid, how are you supposed to fucking act? You're not supposed to sit there on a computer and watch fucking community. Oh my God. This is so funny. I didn't even watch fucking TV. I don't even know what was on TV from 80. I didn't watch TV till 97 for 17 fucking years. I didn't watch TV. You think about that. So, and at this lumberyard, when I got this job at the lumberyard, the job was given to me by a kid named Pete Balzano, who was Carmine Balzano's son. So he was moving on to bigger things. He gives me this job at this lumberyard when I'm 17, 16. And he goes, you want the job? I go, yeah. He goes, come on down. He introduced me to everybody. He goes, oh, by the way, when we're

outside, he goes, don't forget to steal. Because if you don't steal, then they're gonna know I was stealing. Yeah. So on top of all the drugs and all the other mayhem I had going on my house, the cops and everything else, now I'm working on a lumberyard. And he gave me all his accounts. So they sold marine lumber, marine 4x8, marine 2x12. So like built boats and stuff? They built boats and they had a free finish boats with this plywood. The plywood had to be dipped in this special fucking thing. Okay. And even all the metal had to be galvanized. So the cut, let's say the sheets were $48. Okay. I would sell them for 10 in the back door. So people come and get 40 sheets and give me 400 fucking bucks. You know, they had an old school register. So let's say you came in and

bought a hammer for 64 bucks. I would charge you four bucks and keep the 60. Do you have any fucking idea what I was? I was a one man wrecking machine. And I was selling gold. So if I would bump into gold, so I had the drugs, I had the fucking gold bump into gold. If I bump into gold somewhere, I had this guy Tommy Boji is for Boji's were fucking gangsters. Okay. It was falling the daytime had a little stand. He would buy gold for me in 1981 at this little lumberyard. And I bring him everything fucking stolen. He'd buy it all and give me top dollar and his family on the construction. He had a stand at a lumberyard where you could bring gold. He would buy gold at a lumberyard. Like he would just stay there all day like that was his day job. He was really a

bookie. But he would go to his lumberyard and have a little table and a scale. He'd buy gold from you. You don't understand. Like I don't think you fully understand for someone who's grown up when they almost always had security cameras. And they've always had computers and they would scan stuff when you bought it. Can you believe that shit? I can't I can't even wrap my mind around because I worked at like a CBS I worked there for three years. And I worked in a movie theater for three or four years. They scan everything and they and they have a camera watching all all every possible angle there is they're watching. So the fact that you could do that I guarantee I guarantee I could go in that movie theater and rob them blind as an employee. I don't think so. They count

every cup. They count every piece of candy. You could do it for a little bit but not the amount that you did. No but I could steal. You got to figure you could you could charge. Let's say somebody comes up with sodas to popcorn. You could charge them for the popcorns and sodas but the candy you don't charge them dick for. And you pocket that money especially they're paying cash. You got to make sure they're paying cash. I don't I honestly I don't think you could. That's a reality. If you're a theater kid if you're a theater high school kid and you could rob 40 a night doing that that's 320 a fucking you understand what I'm trying to say to you. So for a guy my age no it wouldn't pan out. But for a college kid today a high school kid

that went in there from five to ten he sold popcorn. There's a scam. He just hasn't figured it out. These little motherfuckers they could turn a computer out. If I with the people I ran with if they were idiots and they figured out how to fuck a fucking cash register if they could figure that out you motherfuckers are lazy you just haven't looked into it. I don't I'm telling you you could scan the sodas you could scan the sodas in the popcorn but inhale those four dollar boxes of fucking juju fruits. Somebody buys two of those there's eight ten people coming that's 80 bucks when you're in fucking high school 80 bucks comes in there a fucking quick. You're probably but look at the one I was at they counted every piece of candy every night. And the camera the camera's

going to see you scanning everything. The camera's not going to see you scanning your thumb they're not going to look and trust me nobody sits there and watches you repeat the fucking tape. That's 24 hours a day. If they're missing that many candy things every week you don't think they would? I don't know man I saw people that fired for a lot less. You know how many fucking people would have to sit there. First off the movie theater manager's a guy like you. Yeah he's a very nice guy he couldn't figure out if somebody stole the fucking coffee cup. You're a sweet heart of a guy but you know you can't you don't even jaywalk would you? Of course I do. You follow what I'm saying to you so he couldn't figure it out so they have to hire somebody to come in and watch

all that because a guy's still 80 90 dollars a night they just don't let it go. But this high school kid is going to make 80 dollars times five that's 400 plus his fucking 650 and out. So you were writing this and this freaked you out? I was writing about everything that was going on okay everything. I mean this is just a you know I was trying to tell him the day before we were laughing our asses off. I was I was involved in this credit card fucking thing. How I would take these credit cards. I was so sick of using people's credit cards that I would throw them out the window. I go that's it never again and then a week later I go I need I need a sweater and I go right back to Beverly Boulevard I look in the weeds and there's the fucking credit

card and I take the fucking credit card and go back to a store. So I was talking about this time period and just scared. I had to like put the fucking pen down take my glasses off and wake up at the sky and go holy fuck. Do you think they had a file on you like the banks were like there's this guy he's just stealing so many credit cards? Well I know that there was the one time we were involved in that check it was through a bank so they always write everything down so after that it had to. What check? Oh wait the big one? When I was a kid yeah you know the bank that they come back to investigate shit you gotta remember the insurance companies pick up a lot of this stuff. Oh yeah I know but like just the amount the amount like how are the all these credit cards getting

stolen and fucking. Well in those days we had somebody in the bank so when that person cut a card for Lisa Yat they also cut a card for Lisa Yat that went directly to me and my friends. Jesus. That's all when you guys think that you know when you guys are in shock because somebody read your emails they've been fucking you up to your ass for years. I know girl years ago I get me any fucking code for an AT&T line. In 1995. How do you know all these people? I grew up with them. Jesus Christ. You should make options all over again. No you come to me one day and you go listen I work at this fucking editing bank yeah okay you go in there they got 60 fucking computers yeah they got a little fucking thing in the back with petty cash this four or five grand they got this

they got that you hit me with all this computer with jargon and then you said to me Joey if you find the way to take this shit I got an outlet I got a guy in San Diego to buy all these computers that's how it starts doesn't start by guys like me it starts with guys like you that are somewhere that are getting sick to getting fucked in the ass and you know how the business works and you sit there one day and scratch your head and go oh my god if I was a criminal I would walk in here take every computer and go in that room and take the fucking safe and walk out there thank god I'm not a criminal but one day you bump into a guy like me in the gym go get a few sodas and over lunch one day you go you know in my place there's these fucking tx computers I'm just making some

up guys yeah so don't call me on twitter and that you don't know about computers Joey you're an asshole you know they got these state of the art printers they got the state of the art thing and there's no security the back door is always open and I'm there from 12 to 8 with three other editors that don't give a fuck think about it that's how it happens that's how did you do all the it's not like you did one it's like you're the new one every week every week when you're a fucking criminal when you're out there every week you got to keep and some fall through it's like a full-time job Jesus the same thing some shit falls through sometimes you come to me and go Joey I know this guy he's got a box of fucking uh razors you know razors don't seem like much you know how much

razors are 20 bucks a package live so it's like I was telling you guys a story the other day about how when I lived with you got a cock in there oh shit and who is this it's all more what's going on Joey oh shit it's my little brother Omar say hello to Omar fucking hey Omar the flying Jew what's going on Lee you know Lee say hello I did I said hello he's stone I said hello you're stone I said look at you look at your eyes and shit what's going on Omar my main man not too much I'm just here man we're doing big thing they're really putting the pieces together as you would say always Omar my main man me and Omar met online a few years ago and we've been trying to put together a book and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing Omar has uh uh you know

what he called he's got silk gloves so he's been guiding me through and not fucking spanking me and shit uh and we've been working so we wanted to talk about it online today on the podcast about the progress we've made with the book and what direction we're going what do you think so far Omar that's right you know it's funny where we are now is um in the process that I'm helping you with it's basically taking on novel and translating into a screenplay because what you send me when you sit down and you write and you're always telling the people uh your process about how you're writing and how you're making it happen um when you send me what you send me I then take it and it's not editing for spelling and for grammar I thought I had a later stage the stage where we are

now is really shaping a narrative like creating content that is is easily consumable so you're thinking it's something uh that you're sending me and creating it into uh essentially what is a readable novel a readable book about your life because you have so many details so many stories that uh curating that really choosing what to put in what to leave out uh that's the art and and shaping it into a something that is uh really accessible and fun and easy to read uh that's the challenge and so that's what we are now you know it's funny Omar I've been I was I look at everything and I was looking at what I was sending you in the beginning when we first started working together I was sending you stories right and I started looking at the stories and it was like

I was doing stand-up comedy at first I would do stand-up comedy I would go up there and just do one line and that's great but people want to know what the fuck you're really thinking you know and that's what I was just telling Lee just now a couple minutes ago that got really high and I was writing about my life from 16 to 18 and I had to stop and I really wanted to cry I got so much anxiety that I wanted to cry and you know I could have had 90 pages worth of uh what do you call that content for you but I didn't want to give you that you guys have heard that what I'm trying to give you is where my fucking mind was at yeah I think most people are going to be surprised the thing is going to surprise most people about uh this book is that it isn't all jokes and games

and kind of that crazy joey d as the people know that what the first introduced to uh most people uh through the joe rogan experience where there's a larger than life character you didn't start off and and your life hasn't always been this kind of larger than life crazy character there's a person behind there and there's a lot that has gone on until when you hear some of those most well-known stories and a lot of stories that people don't know about uh but to hear about what your what your feelings were what your thoughts were during that process I think it makes it a lot more relatable and it's incredible how as you're writing it you feel that it's so real you have to stop writing because it's it's it's a nerve that it's so real that's a universal thing

you know that that feeling of desperation of loneliness of working towards something of feeling uh along or feeling connected I mean all these things that that people can relate to and when you can really hit a nerve with yourself you know that you can do it with your audience is all you've been doing all of these years it's just being you and this book is going to give you an opportunity to be you in a completely different way because you can really unravel all the details of how you got to be who you are oh it's fucking crazy it's and I write this and you know it's uh it's something that I put under a carpet for a long time the state of mind I was in you know and that's why I wanted to write to you I wrote you a chapter first about me getting left

back which you don't really think about for years people might look at me and all the drugs fucked him up you have no idea getting left back destroyed me inside I walked around with like a scarlet letter because as an immigrant I I always wanted to strive as a young kid you know there was a lot of kids in my school and I didn't put this in the book that were getting left back Cuban kids because they couldn't speak the language you know I was speaking the language and I understood the material I just fell in love over pussy but that left back destroyed me that was the first thing that fucked me up and then two years later this basketball dream I have I have this dream of being a basketball fucking player Lee that's it I just want to play I don't

want to talk to my parents I don't want to fuck I don't want to suck I had already been had a broken heart I want to play basketball and I get this basketball thing yanked from me and a couple months later my mother dies and now I'm beat up physically and emotionally I'm just done and now I got to go into the world at 17 and this is what I was just telling Lee about with this fucking thing and I sit here sometimes and I hear about all these people who well he shot the school up because his mother had guns at the fucking house so he did this it's always a cop out and in the book I didn't write it yet about my stepfather how one night he gave me a 380 with a silencer I told him there were spirits up in the attic and he gave me a gun to sleep with

and I slept with this fucking gun on and the next one I remember giving it to him and it went on I would knock on his door four weeks ago can I get the gun there's a ghost up there and I would fucking sleep why didn't I shoot why don't I shoot fucking people today Omar why don't the fuck you know and this is what I wanted to prove to people that I hate misnomers this is not the shit that affected me that gun what affected me was getting fucking left back you know I tell I wrote the last thing I wrote you was about finding my mother but I told Lee last week because I never told Lee that story that last night I did a hit of acid now they want to wake up I don't know if my mother was yelling for me I didn't know if my mother was yelling for a fucking uh for a fork

I don't know what the fuck she was yelling for I didn't wake up and I when I did wake up she was dead Omar so for weeks I had little doubts in my head about that maybe I could have saved her you know in hindsight I know now that when the Lord put puts your number he presses your number but Omar what was I feeling and that's what I'm trying to get across to the reader I felt like death at that time in my life I didn't want to live I just was waiting for something to kill me I didn't have the balls to kill me so I was going to push the envelope of life at 17th I got killed at that point that's what I wanted and then as I got a couple years came by the time I was 25 I was just looking for somebody to put a bullet in me is that why you got emotional on Monday

I always get emotional when I think about that part of my life because I'm here I can't fucking believe I broke through that block I didn't want to be here I never wanted this I didn't want to go on I just wanted somebody to kill me without me jumping off a fucking roof so now I'm 50 and I sit here Omar I can't believe and I got to let people know that your life isn't as bad as what it seems that's what I want to do with this book you know so what do you feel Joey that this book is targeted toward if you can paint the picture of the person that you really want this book to touch who is that you know what I want the guy to read it that thinks that his life is over because at one point in your life you wake up and you're

like you don't want it's fucking over I'm 38th nothing's gonna happen for me I got no degree I got no family you know this is who this book is for for the guy who wakes up and goes you know what I got nothing I got this broad next to me she got herpes you know I got no job I got no education you know I got a fucked up car and you sit there and read this shit and you go holy fuck you know what would I do in that situation and it's not that bad I'm gonna get up I'm gonna get a fucking gun I'm going out that I'm doing something for my life and that's who this book is for or for the guy who just wants to make his heart pump for 15 minutes of the shot anybody who doesn't want to drink fucking coffee or that shit in a can red bull

red bull because I think as I'm writing it my fucking heart's beating as I'm writing it my fucking heart's beating no more but I really want the person to read this that thinks that their life is over whether you're 20 or you're fucking 40 because this didn't turn around for me so I was 44 years old no more 40 fucking four but I always kept something in the back of my mind I always kept that in the back of my mind as much as I hated my stepfather Juan I always kept in touch with him because I always wanted to let him know I was alive and none of those motherfuckers could ever do anything to me it was very special and I even today I hate fucking Juan I was thinking of buying my mother a new headstone

okay and sending it back going to Jersey next time I go to Jersey I'm gonna order my mom a new headstone a new and I'm taking his name off the fucking tombstone you still feel that strongly about him yeah no especially after writing this book especially after writing what I've been writing lately I feel uh especially that time between 16 and 19 what happened between him and I should have not happened I thought you were cool with him now I was cool with him and like I said Omar until I started writing this with you that I not get cool with Juan if Juan was alive right now I'd be pounding my head figuring out how to fucking put a bullet in his eyeball yeah because this is what writing this is done to me especially that age that age from 16 and 19 to 20 Omar you have no fucking idea

yeah I was just breaking it down for Lee people have no fucking idea I was uh I was uh it was just a matter of time and now I'm 50 30 fucking years later and I sit here and go holy shit so just when I write about that time frame and I write about not what was a listen a lot of kids at 17 did I sit and did stupid shit it was walking around with what I was walking around with that was what made me different I could have gone at any fucking minute if I would have known about that shit putting a bomb on your body and pulling a string I would have been one year I would have done it I would have probably done it I would have probably gone into something that I hated some place that gave me a bad pizza food or something like that and I was somebody who

gave me ranch with my wings but that's the truth Omar that's what I want to show the people in this book I don't want to tell them that many stories they know the fucking stories yeah I want to tell them the story and explain to them where my fucking mind was at that day that I still remember and it scares me Omar when I look back into that no that's real that's very real joy I think that one of the things that in the process of putting this project together that I've seen really changed within you is that habit the habit of writing and I don't even think you realize fully how much what you do twice a week getting up and putting up some music and and and oh shit and all that

all that how much that means to people out there when you're having a shitty day or or you're getting up you're going to work but you're dealing with things you don't want to deal with we can put on Uncle Joey and the fine Jew and everything seems like it's going to be all right but I thought on a consistent basis you do it all the time and that's why it has the impact that it does and it's the same with your writing because you've been doing it so consistently you're able to have the impact on your writing that you have oh it's it's a different level now you know when I'm not writing and I'm not writing calmly I'm thinking about my life at that age and I really want to give you what's important from that age not the you know I went to Pittsburgh

I went to a concert that's not what important what was important what was how I wanted that all to end I just wanted a normal fucking life and I would have traded it all in I would have stopped doing drugs at that time but at that time cocaine was coming in right and that fed right into my pain that fed right into that fucking pain into that storm it was like uh what's a tornado develops what's the need hot air what's that shit off the coast when a hurricane develops high pressure high pressure system or you need so many different components and that was the last component to this fucking soup and it took me from 18 and it was just a swirl from that swirl there's credit cards there's kidnapping people there's robberies and it ends up with a kidnapping in Boulder Colorado

out of all places I didn't get arrested in New York with all these high-level detectives I got arrested in a po-dunk little college town called Boulder Colorado that's what it took to straighten me out and again we dip into the state of mind how I went to turn myself in from a kidnapping this is how fucking crazy I was Omar I'm 28 years old when I went to turn myself in from a kidnapping and I told the girl that was in the car go get groceries I'll stop when I get out of here and get weed and we'll go home and watch the Don Johnson's getting married tonight on Miami Vice it was that episode when he was marrying Sheena Easton on Miami Vice I was turning myself in 11 o'clock in the back of my mind thinking I would walk out of there at 2 o'clock and make it home

for the wedding this is after I put a gun to some of these head tied them up and fucking put them in a trunk of a car this is how demented the drugs and life had done to me but I thought I was gonna walk in there and actually talk myself out of it you know and there's people out there in this position also that they're fucking demented with the drugs and I remember seeing the DA months later at our supermarket and me going up to them and talking to them and going you know what bro I looked at your police record you've been chucking and jiving for the last 10 fucking years it's time for you to pay your debt and I remember I went home Omar my head almost exploded from hearing those words because he told me the truth you know so Omar I'm happy tell us a little bit

about your background Omar I want to hear about your fucking book writing and all this stuff talking because you're a sharp motherfucker I love you to death I appreciate that Joey you know my background it's funny I do a lot of my editing is not actually with this kind of work it's usually with graduate students and academic writing with applications to graduate school stuff like that so it's a it sounds like it's very different but it's it's not what's very similar between these two worlds is that I'm helping to people to form a narrative or whatever it is that they're doing so some of the editing that I do is exactly what you would imagine where it's just grammar and spelling and whatever but a lot of it is that is creating a story and the way I got to this man

is that you know I started off as a kid really the only thing that I could do to help me escape from where I was was reading and writing you know I'm from Brooklyn and Brooklyn in in the late 80s early 90s you know it's a jungle it's crazy and my parents came from the Dominican Republic and tried to create a life for me and one of the only things that I could do to really see myself somewhere else is to have my nose in a book and when I can see that words can really transport you somewhere else and and can really shape your life I mean that's what that's what motivated me and I'm really blessed you know I've been able to see a lot of things and do a lot of things in my life and the culmination that that is being able to work with you on this project you know you came

down to New York City a while ago and we got together and you know I feel incredibly lucky to be able to be with somebody that I respect as much as you and to work with somebody that has been able to change their life and what you do I'm much younger than you are but I can see a lot of myself in you so that's a lot of work and you're a fuck listen it's so weird how you learn man and I'm 50 and I'm old and I wish that fucking I would have listened to people when I was 20 oh my god I wish I would listen to people when I was 25 and 30 that's what didn't make me a millionaire it was not listening to certain people and it's so weird when you come out of here and you want to write comedy you want to write jokes the first thing you do is you go to

Barnes and Nobles or the other fucking bookstore Samuel all French and you go in there and you drop a hundred bucks and you buy all these books by Gene Perrette for comedy writing or Judy Carter or you know there's so many and then I read the book by Stephen Pressman uh the art of war or the war of art or something like that and he talked about yeah how it's just it's just sitting down with a notebook and if you sit down every day from one to two you'll come up with something that's where you start and I did that for a month and nothing happened you know or not even I never even gave it a month and I remember Mitch Hedberg used to shut off everything for three hours a day just to write and for the last year what I basically do is I just I put the phone away

you know I don't get on the internet because it's completely different and I write and it's my escape but what I've done with you is I've overcome all that shit I read in books because if you're reading you ain't fucking writing if you want to write if you want to be a writer do me a favor take the books and throw them up your ass just write you know what the first year Omar I'm going to fuck everything up I look at those blogs from MySpace now oh my god thank god that didn't throw me off because of the spelling and the commas and the punctuation but you know what you figure it the fuck out just write that's what I was scared of I was scared of the punctuations and I'm not going to spell right and I don't have time to open up a dictionary and correct the fucking spelling

or a thesaurus or with all these things I need you know what don't worry about that get on your fucking computer get a piece of or get a fucking feather with a pen like I told you yesterday we're both writers we don't have a feather in our pocket and you just write and just write it out and later on after you come down after the kid goes to sleep after you've washed your pussy you look at what you wrote and then you add the commas to it but nothing is as important as doing it just writing and this was the biggest misnomer that was sold to me and the biggest misnomer sold to thousands of other people who come to hollywood or in the Bronx or in brooklyn and that's what you taught me Omar you gave me a system he gave me a system just write one sentence a fucking day

yeah yeah yeah let me talk a little bit about that because we were into the situation where this is a big project and I forget exactly how was that that we started with deadlines or how much you know it was like let's say all right a few pages or whatever it was by every couple of weeks but whatever system we had it was too much and so you found yourself it was almost like we were in school and you have a homework assignment and a essay is like a big essay a 10-page essay on something and you procrastinate procrastinate and by the time you that deadline comes up you feel so much pressure that you either don't do it or you don't do a great job on it and you it stops I mean the deadline is supposed to help you to

help to motivate you can detrimental to you and so I did a lot of research on what it is that I could do to help you to form a habit of writing and there is a psychologist whose name is DJ Fogg that has this concept called tiny habits and tiny habits is all about whatever it is that you want to do whether it's for off your teeth or writing a book creating an everyday super tiny goal so if your goal is to floss your teeth for example on a regular basis then your goal every day is to floss one tooth one tooth and that sounds ridiculous of course that you're just gonna floss one tooth one tooth yeah if you just if you just say to yourself all right I'm gonna floss one tooth then the chances are if you get to the one you'll probably do a lot more than just that but if in

your head you allow yourself to just do the one then you overcome that psychological barrier that stops you from getting started in the first place so what we set up was all you had to do was write a couple of sentences a week something that you can bang out in three minutes what you know just write two sentences and what you found was I'm sure that as you started writing what do you like those two sentences of course you can't just stop at two you can you keep going because the toughest part isn't going once you get started and getting started so that tiny habit gives you the psychological permission to not have to produce this large thing you produce this tiny thing and then you feel like you've accomplished that and it gives you that momentum to be able to keep going

and it fucking works man because now I'm writing every day and I can't wait to write a sentence and I end up writing two sentences or you end up writing three sentences but that's what I want to do this Omar this means so much to me I'll tell you why I just became a father one of my you know out of all my idols are Julia serving you know Muhammad Ali you know I like Led Zeppelin I like everything but man when it gets to writers those are my real fucking idols like to like to write oh man in the sea and live in Cuba and drink daiquiri's all afternoon and have a bunch of fucking cats and be eccentric that's the way to live when you're 50 and above I don't drink right now but I have a secret desire to fucking drink I'm not a drinker but I would love to be able to

drink a margarita with an umbrella and then every afternoon at four in the fucking afternoon you know what I'm saying Omar so Omar right now I'm gonna time in my life that I know in four or five years if I stay alive I'm not gonna be able to travel like I do I'm not I'm just not gonna be able to do it you know I'm gonna be tied up with my daughter school whatever my wife wants to work I want to choke other fucking death but I think that writing is my next avenue this is the beginning of something I want to write this book and put it out because after that Omar that's what we go crazy you know I want to write books like the guy from Get Shorty you know I got two of those in me I got two Get Shorty's in me do I want to make a movie no no no no no do I want to meet Travolta no no no

just for me to write just for me to have that title of author would make me so fucking proud because I wasn't an attorney I'll take an author it's a hey you know it's an a word I'm an asshole I'm a cock sucker I'll take an author instead of attorney but it would make my world so this is I want you to know what my intentions are this is the beginning of a long relationship with you and I so I think I owe you money I'll send you a check this week. And it's a legacy to your daughter you know yeah and you tell me that that she can take with her and it's a very special thing I don't want her to hear this shit you know I don't want her to have to I was just thinking about I don't want her to hear this shit because it affected me when I heard the stories about

my father because my father died when I was three and all those dumb stories they told me that didn't matter at the end I didn't I didn't hear a good story about him till my mother died till the day she died that's when the guy told me a story that stayed with me all those other stories about him doing this and they didn't matter at the end you know the the character was what matter I don't want my I don't want you ever see two kids when they're talking and my daddy does I don't want my daughter to have that attitude I want my daughter to grow up with an attitude that she puts her pants on just like everybody else okay with my dad fucking no no I'm think she'll love it when she's like 25 or something yeah to read something just to know Omar but

yeah Omar without you I couldn't have been doing this lately you really and it's reflected in my stand-up too so I I have a look at Omar I'm only home three days a week now four days a week I don't have fucking time to go out at night I'm an old man I'm tired between the working out the kid and the writing and the getting high I'm fucking tired but I know if I write two my goal is to write two hours a day the first thing on my daily thing planner every day is to write two hours a day and believe it or not if I write one sentence and I have a paragraph to follow that's an hour there an hour of writing jokes yeah you know so when I go on the road like this Friday I'll write three hours because I'm in a hotel room I'll get a vapor pen and a cup of coffee

and I go to fucking work Jack that's what it takes that's it that's why it's beautiful I really appreciate working with each other no I appreciate working with you where can they find you if people want to talk to you and maybe you can help them out where can people find of course yeah yeah Twitter's the number one way and it's a I'm on writing savage on Twitter because you know I'll get it for you gotta be a savage gotta be a writing savage so that's it writing savage well I call you I'll call you this afternoon a few hours and we'll plan out chapter fucking two sounds like a plan the next did you get did you think of something for your uncle Joey can I think of something no did you think of something for the next chapter how we're gonna

do this oh yeah yeah but we'll discuss that we'll discuss that all right brother oh my thank you very much for calling I love you to all my heart brother and I'm happy it came into my life you fucking savage all right take care Lee bye Omar the fact that you call me a fruitcake and you're deep the deepest darkest dream is to have a rug read it with an umbrella every day and four oh please flip-flops on on an island after you wrote for two hours the fucking day I'm gonna give some shoutouts to these cops hold on mr. koi I love you Lyle Kyle Marlin he's always there for me Kelly Valdez Scottish Paulie Taylor Waddell Amadon the blue print and Mike Higley I love you what the fuck you laughing at Lee you you're saying all these long names and you bought you Taylor yeah

listen cocksucker sometimes I forget I ride a little high you know it happens what's what the way the way he gave me it's fucking really strong I told you oh what is that one this one was Jesus oh this is from divine wellness this was either oh this is the church uh no I have to have the church to have the church they did that on purpose then I love this fucking reefer this reefer put a fucking hem in your skirt was the musically you're sitting me here you're sitting you here put some fucking music on Lee you're killing me oh shit oh shit oh shit get up it's Wednesday the 19th my ex-wife's birthday is Friday I hope she gets stabbed in the fucking neck by an Indian with an arrow

oh shit get your shit together motherfuckers you're in America fill out your unemployment paperwork it's Wednesday cocksuckers Louisville, Kentucky get your shit together I'll be there I don't want no fucking stories bring that Kentucky bluegrass reefer San Jose we're coming up next weekend with the Flying Jew from the Delphi of July 20th I don't want to hear no fucking stories bring Michael Vick and the Chihuahuas what's the story Lisa yeah it's fucking Wednesday what do you got for me cocksucker tell me something good if you didn't go to honnit this fucking week you fucked up because they're having a sale you fucked up people been sending me pictures with new moves you should have a ton of new moves for the summer you should have some alpha brain you should get

some strong bone a little hemp protein always fucking works I'm telling you right now no farts reefer free I didn't spray my nose this morning sorry about that besides that things are crackleacking here what else is going on ladies you did they go to honnit yet if you didn't haven't gone honnit.com you're fucking slipping because honnit's got the way for you to live you understand me your fat fuck your feet hurt your joints hurt get some strong bone if not get some fish castles but do something today don't just fucking sit there and blame it on society mcdonalds is giving away two burgers for a dollar that's why I'm not gonna fucking blame it on mcdonalds get out there you fuck you you call me up the other day you're like I have a coupon for double quarter pounders

while me there at seven or something like you just call me up I'm fucking with deals my wife I'm gonna rush the other day so she said you got to do me a favor you got to get me an egg McMuffin so he pulled in there and I got one of those egg white with cheddar and just that yeah not bad 300 calories like five points not fucking bad I just had that yeah but on the back they gave me a coupon with a quarter pound oh you actually did have a coupon I think we're joking I got the car no I fold I saved it for my main man who loves you more than me and speaking of coupons we have a coupon for you at huluplus.com captain badass you know I love you I'm a deus Waddell get it together you bad motherfucker huluplus.com plus Joey and I just want to

look and they have Miami vice from the 80s they have that up there they have lost they have a whole bunch of shit let me tell you something you go to huluplus.com you press and Joey do yourself a favor get the first season of Miami vice I'm not fucking bullshitting five seasons of it they got five seasons forget about watch all of them but the first season you're gonna go crazy with Calderon when fucking uh I think the third season is uh is uh the Spanish kid when he comes back with Lea Iacocca they got some good fucking episodes Ted Nugent Bernard King and Bill Russell but the first season of fucking Miami vice the pilot with Jimmy Smith's then from there we go a lot of people don't know Jimmy Smith's in the pile out of respect for sons of anarchy fucking shirt

you know uncle Joey don't fuck around go to hulu today go to my web page joeydeas.net go to hulu get two free fucking weeks then come back and tell me what you're thinking if you don't like to say Joey go fuck yourself go fuck your mother and get the chicken wings and take them with you you don't like it you know what the fuck you're getting on about Lea with family get the chicken wings and take them with you go to huluplus that's what I'm trying to tell you and on the way back stop it fucking uh an honor and get yourself some new mood I'm happy today can I tell you people that I know because you people make me happy and I need talking to you people what do you need I need you to help me with the situation but I don't know what it is throughout my life I run into

girls that just don't give blowjobs and I don't I don't understand it I just what is this high school what do you mean what is this high school that's the only time you bump into chicks that don't look your nuts that's what I'm saying I'm 24 now here's the thing right so you're eating their ass all right that's why I messed up I'm not doing that I'm right there you're eating their ass right and right there you put two fingers in their ass and it's like a side you move to the side it's like you're going into side control okay okay so you push that leg over but you keep that hand in the fucking monkey and you're working that hoof the whole time your finger you're hearing you're working that fucking monkey you put your leg right over and you take that helmet when they're working that

dick they're in a hypnosis okay you have a finger a girl they go they get into that fucking trance like they're leaving you this country same same thing while you're fingering them they're getting that trance you pop that fucking helmet their mouth and they'll go fuck that shit you got a brief bit suck that helmet they'll suck it for a little while until you're blasting them out then afterward they'll tell you you should have done that it's disrespectful when you give a fuck at that point I used to this is hot like I've come up like you make fun of it but I was thinking about it the other day I've come a long way like I have what have you done you smoke cigarette so like I used to be like like I was thinking how embarrassed I was of like my first or second

time when I was like 20 or something and I would go like if you're like not to this extent but like almost like if you wouldn't mind like a blowjob would be great like you would ask them you'd ask I used to when I was really young you never asked shit you just and now I said now I've now I've upgraded to just saying do it but I can never just shove it into one of the mouth you don't say it you don't ask them to do it no that's what you do is really you move into the position and your dick's right there they got nowhere to go if you're driving down the road once in a brick wall shows they got places to go they got nowhere to go if you're fingering this way and you got that hoof this way yeah if they turn they're gonna hurt their own pussy your dick is right there they

gotta suck it it's the only logical fucking choice trust me I don't like that shit either it's not that I want you to suck my dick the whole night but you gotta lick it you gotta grab it you gotta lick it so that's the easiest dilemma you gotta eat that pussy and surrender them you gotta stick that tongue up your ass you went the extra mile but right as you move you put that finger in that little monkey and you work it sideways but as you cross over the leg then you have to turn the hand to pick the hoof up they can't go nowhere you got them by the hoof two fucking fingers right in the fucking sex you did that you got those two fingers right in the hoof of death and right there where you going you're fingering them they need to do something

huh huh and you put that fucking kakita in their fucking mouth and it's all over then you got stomach and juice on the neck and everybody's happily it's fucking Wednesday it's Wednesday suckers what else you want to do with your life I don't know you're a young man you're 24 at 24 see you have no help because you don't do it blow and you don't do drugs when you do that shit you got them halfway here after that it's all easy they're fucking coked up they'll suck your dick they need to do something with their jaw but now you know you're a straight guy so you're a sexy motherfucker you put a thumb on for these girls and dance no i'm gonna put a thumb on her you don't do a magic mic for them a magic no magic mic for them you gotta put a little fucking

bikini on leave did you even do to put the camera do some jumping jack you do something listen listen i'm so fucking high right now that's even better we'll put some music on you do a little magic mic for the girls in the home watch i'm not doing magic mic for no reason you're doing jackson i know you like michael jackson i do like michael jackson it's close to midnight it's something evil it's gonna look like chris farley has an L video you don't have to strip just do a little dance with your clothes on see what you got show them what you got a little magic mic what what's the name of the song thriller we just played the role well you didn't dance i did two dance you're the magic white cocksucker we kiss on the bitch these women fucking love you

this girl melissa the sandals they she won't stop talking about you yeah right i'll see you there's a fucking uh ad but uh you gotta keep clicking back and forth why click back and forth when it's gonna take six seconds for it to be over did you ever dance for a girl naked before you take that cock did i dance no why you gotta dance that's the dance of love that got me tons of women you got to dance on this shit women love what you dance you got to get that elephant put your dick on you put your dick on the elephant just dance on the blood you didn't know if i wanted this yes you do i still got one at the house what animal do you have an elephant you bought one of the thongs women you stick it into the nose

yeah why not women love and you dance right how would you dance thriller go leek let me see you bust off these broads watch no i wish we should we should both do it okay but you do it first you're the opening act you're the feature on the feature act so fuck you got so you have it going to the stage my main man hot leek so you have an elephant and what do you do with the questions no come let me bring you up let me bring you let me bring you up all right all right ladies and gentlemen you're at home right now you got your main man dj joey ds here you're at the mic don't forget michelle is walking around with dollar drinks coming to the stage is the sexiest jew you've ever seen in your life the flying jew mr leigh

cyat's hit it leek crowd goes wild crowd goes wild chicks go wild what are you looking at me for show the camera shake show them their tongue cocksucker shake for them shake it for me don't look at me the tongue show them the tongue yeah i sell it maybe they'll sign you 10 bucks coming to the stage the cuban egg roll machine joey ds that's why you don't need that you don't want to fucking dance what am i gonna do which i can't take it away you know what i'm saying oh jesus christ you look at i love you i wish the neighbor i like i want to know what the neighbors think happens every monday what are you gonna do with the neighbors they're probably fucking immigrants what are you gonna

do they don't even know what's wrong up here they think we're cooking so what do you got for me leek that's it no hulu no nothing we just did hulu you sure you gotta get your shit together no more leave it for me i know my edibles edibles have turned your mind green no more edibles for you leek what are you looking about you're slipping i don't understand this shit so if you're not doing nothing i'll be at louisville san jose next year i don't even know fucking timers but i can't control you nobody you're fucking stoned to the gills i'm i'm stoned to the gills um fuck listen man i'm happy oh mark wall today yeah people always looking for different tips and different things

when you want to write just get them right don't read nobody's books just write if you read books like just read like just read steven king or you read whatever author you like i don't give a fuck with this bro that's all bullshit people come to you like oh my god i read this author listen that's great but if you read reading is all you need to do a fucking book a fucking week on anything i try i try sometimes takes me two weeks to read a book and i read simple fucking books i'm reading a book now felipe gave me a bunch of mexican fucking ganks it's not bad though but i try to read as much as i can if you read then the writing will come easy to you i'm telling you i'm no fucking five bay the cap and i could write dog so why did you get so like you were getting emotional

when omar was talking dog when i think about that time in my life it's fucking mind boggling i don't even like dabbling in that part of my life i don't even like dabbling are you ashamed of it's not the shame it's who i was what was in my poor little fucking heart as a young man that's what the shame of the story was the story my story isn't about a comic it's not about a guy who went to jail and got his life together it's about a guy who was doomed to fail doomed to inflict pain doomed to inflict the pain that he was going through on america and on people i could have easily been one of those kids that got into a school and shot at school you think so yes i had all the fucking makings of it just because your mother has guns in the house doesn't mean you're

cut out to go to a fucking school and kill young little fucking kids to live that is something different when you have something when you have a pain in your heart and you want to last out of society that is a horrible fucking feeling to have to know and i know in my heart that i could have lasted that society i had all the tools against me plus society had broken me down it had broken me down spiritually it had broken me down mentally and emotionally that is the worst thing you could do to a fucking child that is the time when the devil empties and they and they become the killers in san francisco the guy who died last week from opasso that is a tender age for a mind that is a tender age for a mind you've never really talked about being upset at the girl

from 10 to 12 to 13 that's a very tender age at that age i beat myself up a little bit but from fucking 14 to 18 on a child to 20 when your mind and your world is developing to have those things beat against you it could get ingrained in there and you could become only one thing at 18 i was going to become one thing leigh something caught me whether it was religious whether it was god whether it was who the fuck i was and made me get up and go to colorado and that six or seven months in colorado helped me look into the window and shut that feeling off i still could have done at any time i still could have done at any time 10 years later five years later i decided to take somebody who's a friend of mine not in a year away but in acquaintance and i decide i'm gonna rob

this young man with two weapons in a room what if what if i would have gone to a trunk of the car came back in with a gun and shot both of them i could have blamed it on my upbringing that would have been too fucking easy that's what america wants you to do that's what i tried to go away from that is why i get emotional because i know what direction this could have gone into i know what i would accept it at that time i know what i deserved at that time an 18 year old thing thinks that he deserves the rest of his life in a fucking hole and once you put somebody in a hole in this society you just destroy the life so for me to wake up twice so we can come here and fuck what you motherfuckers and fuck around about a finger up the ass or uh uh you know get up and go out

there i'm not fucking around because once you fall into that fucking thing with your mind and you think you're worthless there's no coming out of that there's no coming out of that and that's what this podcast is making people not do get the fuck out of there so what you had a bad week your family who gives a fuck go to school get a job get out there don't kill nobody just get out there smoke some brief uh drink fuck eat ass and that's it but it's a lot better than where you're leaving your mind that that's why i get upset because nobody knows nobody knows nobody's ever known nobody's ever known what i was thinking those fucking ages you know it was just too much when when society fucks with you emotionally and then you know after my mother died i went to

social security and nobody would help me every place i went to was and we could sit here till 10 in the morning it's 8 now it's 7 30 we could sit here till 10 i can tell you all the the the agencies the places i turned to help and maybe out of the 11 avenues i had none of them came through i mean the insurance policy didn't come through nothing came through that was supposed to be there in line for your kids you have kids make sure if something happens to you today they get taken care of make sure there's no red tape that as soon as you they put you in a hole your children get a certain amount of money that day that day that day not a week from now in some bank account that day somebody you trust will give your son or your daughter he's taken care of because you always

think in the back of your mind your your children are taken care of they're really fucking not they're really not bureaucracies and your kids don't have time for that you know your kids don't have time for that so please take care of all this shit and that's it tucks okay that's crazy like you've never really talked to like you were a man at like people but you never really talked about being mad at society before you have to you have to when your mother dies you're mad at i was mad at god you know 1980 i went with my buddy got a bag of fucking reefer and i seen priests down there giggling as drug dealers sold i grew up a catholic i grew up a fucking catholic my world was catholic i believed that there was a god i believed that there was a holy spirit i believed

all these fucking things but bigger than the holy spirit this thing called money and money rules are everything and i'd known about that at that age i didn't know that people were selling weed in the fucking church then six months later my mom is dead and i'm sitting there waiting for fucking answers you're waiting for answers you know you want god to come give you an answer how can you take a mom okay i can understand if i had a father at the time i had an uncle but i was alone so what god are you fucking talking about what god are you talking about that douchebag that let me alone in this fucking world without my mother to feel like this then i had all these other issues maybe i could have saved my mother now i'm going to war with my stepfather now i'm getting high i mean

everything else is gradient pay rent i was living like a king but it wasn't the outside world it was what was going inside that was building a snow fucking tornado bro uh it was just a hurricane it was just a hurricane are coming and you know what like i said i'm very lucky i ended up with four years and nobody ended up with a bullet in their head or i didn't maim somebody or because that's where the anger was going lashed when you have that anger in your heart it gets laid you put it on something i could put it on i could have caught a bunch of cats and cut their fucking heads off that's that you were like that angry like that's that's great i never know like it i mean it makes sense but like and you never really expressed that before very angry very fucking

angry very angry i mean angry to the point where uh you you can't fucking believe it all you need it was the bad word to come out of your fucking mouth and you might die so you're relaxed now by comparison not really you can tell uh you know in my heart still you know i get angry sometimes i have the one thing but that's me but that anger is what fuels me yeah that anger is my fuel so i've accepted it it's my fuel it's what makes me go to the coffee shop and right it keeps me up to one in the morning right it's what makes me look for songs for you guys on the podcast that's my anger you know and that's what you have to fuel off every day what to do with this anger right here i could call leah motherfucker every day or i could take this anger to push me to get to where

i want to be joey what the fuck you're sitting here watching spongebob really get your life together get up go put some sweats on go for a walk that's what my anger is done to me so the anger is helpful because it fuels everything that's it guys that's a fucking podcast right there hey brother oh my god i got boogies in my hand with everything that was crazy man yeah i don't know you guys have no idea where i was and what i became is that what is how you get so mad at some people when they when you don't think they're doing the right thing because like you're mad at yourself oh please you know there was one time where i had no human respect for your league what does that mean that lee could well no no no let's say lee you like you're very good to me

you could offend me i would always have your back but let's say you were kind of i was doubtful about you mm-hmm you were always in danger because if i was having a bad day i'd walk over here kick your fucking door in and i take this fucking computer and guess what lee i didn't give a fuck that you knew what are you gonna do to me what are you gonna do jesus come beat me up that's what i got those years hanging out with mic runny that didn't give a fuck people that got robbed they knew was me what are you gonna do they beat around the bush i'm gonna rob me they knew it was me what are you gonna do don't what are you gonna fucking do nothing you're gonna call the cop you're gonna beat me up you're gonna hit me and then when i get mad

next time i'm gonna rob your fucking house again and put a pipe in your fucking scalp So you're gonna hit me. That's what you're gonna fucking do That's what you want me out there thinking that you're gonna hit me So people knew this like I was a fucking menace, you know, I get mad at a lot of North Bergen kids today Cuz now they're my friends, but they weren't my friends 30 years ago. You know what? I didn't deserve my friends. These people were scared of me. They knew that it's like an old fag It's an old fag when you're a kid your mom tells you even look at them Don't even look keep don't even look at them there old fags because an old fag will suck you in next thing

You know, you're sucking dick dog old fags. They're crafty motherfuckers. Trust me like Sinatra You see that movie about fucking Liberace. No, I gotta watch that movie. He's an old fag once they touch you in the arm And they go, oh, it's nice. That's 50% you're sucking that guy's dick Very interesting podcast today, I'm sorry I You got to let people know what you're thinking because this is what people are thinking People want the answers, bro When people mad at something, they're not mad at you Lee. They're mad at something else and The mosh fucking anger you throw into that that anger is gonna blow

Yeah, and eventually someday you are gonna get a weapon and take it to your post office and shoot the fucking clerk When she tells you you need your ID and you park them on the way You got to go back to the car and you left in that motherfucker Motherfucker listen, I'm a Louisville, Kentucky Next week San Jose my main man Lisa. Yeah, the week after that in Vegas with Joe Rogan July 20th in Philadelphia I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I Gave you shots out. I want to give a shout out to fucking Hulu plus. I want to give a shout out So I'm then I want to give a shout out to everybody who makes this podcast subscribe motherfuckers

We need to move up on the charts. We need a bunch of shit Take this podcast today that you got and do what you need with it. There's something in here for everybody It's fear. It's anger. There's something in here. You guys are some bad motherfuckers. Don't forget about me Now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus and start watching your favorite head shows right now We leave it was the enthusiasm say listen now that the fucking show is over Go over there and sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus take it Lee You know, are we the ones you like a fucking hang out at the show is all ain't over Because now they listen to it now isn't the show starts once you turn it off and it goes into their fucking clubs clubs

There's any I'm not an actor and you're gonna be so I'm not a fucking I can't even stone But you're sitting there like a mother look at the a you got a say it from your heart Go to fucking Hulu plus cocksucker. Go ahead. Let's do it again. So I'm gonna be getting fun No, you do it. All right, two one Go to Hulu plus cocksucker now that the show is over you go there You go to our home page joey Diaz net or any click the banner or you go to the website Who plus comms last Joey and you go there you get two free weeks you watch all the shows go to the banner at who? At joey Diaz net or who plus comms last Joey

Well mo cocksucker, that's right. I love you guys go to honor to go to Hulu plus Sign up Joey lower case higher case. I don't give a fuck just put Joey in there get you two free weeks You're gonna love you don't love me for doing this. All right. Have a great week I love you guys see you in Lexington, Kentucky Cincinnati in the fucking house. I'm getting some Cincinnati people down there Bring me some red paraphernalia. What's the musically? Nothing this you put higher case on your keyboard instead of uppercase for the week. Have you ever got stabbed in the kidney? Have you ever gotten stabbed in the kidney have you I'm not I'll fucking see after I stab you Okay, what do you think of that?

Oh Just not if you can hear me Is that right I Just the basic facts, can you show me where it lands? There is no pain, you are exceeding A glistenship's more common horizon You are only coming through in waves

You're this moon that I can't hear what you say When I was a child, I had a fever My hands felt just like to balloon Now I've got that feeling once again I can't explain, you will not understand This is not how I am I have become comfortable enough Thanks for watching!