Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 06/24/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #91

Episode Date: June 25, 2013

Comedian, actor, and writer Mick Betancourt calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 06/24/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Again, that's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, motherfucking shit. Oh, shit. It's Monday, April 24th. Want to take your right with fucking Black Sabbath to let you know what type of fucking week it is. Lisa Yacht, the flying Jew in the house. Oh, shit, already crying about it. He's not eating at all. I am eating at all. Let's see, cocksucker.

And you got another piece over there too. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive, cocksuckers. Get up, shine your shoes, eat some oatmeal, put a fucking crease in your pants. Look sharp. Get out there, sling some dick. You can either sling dick or get dick slung in your face. Oh, shit. First of all, I want to show people, for people who are watching, this is a piece he gives me at six in the morning. Why are you talking over Ozzy Osbourne? When did you fucking become- Because why are you giving me this huge piece? Because it's not a huge piece. These are the little ones. These are 36 milligrams. The little ones. So you're going to eat 20 million. Did you see your eyeballs on the plane? And you already fucking cried. I didn't eat none

on the plane. Yes, you did. You already cried. You already fucking cried. You took pictures of your eyeballs. I can eat the fucking piece. You're going to sleep anyway till six in the morning. I have to be at work at six. I already had one piece a little bit later. You had a tiny little piece. I'm not having this whole fucking, a fucking two-year-old size piece. You're going to get me in a bad mood. You're always in a bad mood. You're going to put the show in a fucking bad situation from the start. Eat the goddamn piece of chocolate, please. This is a cheap boat shoe. This is quality fucking chocolate. I know. I had a piece of it. Danish people. I'm going to have a piece later. You don't have to have a piece later. Just eat the piece I gave you. If you eat that

piece right now, we can fucking put this to bed. And by seven o'clock, you'll be behind. By seven, thirty, when I get the fuck out of here, you just go to bed. Yeah. And by eight o'clock, I'll be asleep. Yeah. All right. And you're going to bed. So what's the big fucking deal? What's the, just eat the fucking chocolate, please. What do you get me all hot and bothersome on a Monday? You know, people, people fucking dying. And you know, I don't want to eat that. Get together, have a great week in Lexington, Kentucky. Fucking great people, great club. The people stop fucking around that if that's an eat that chocolate. I'm going to have it relaxed. Fucking be easy. I got to deal with people. This is the size of this piece.

Look at the size of this piece. Look at the size of this book. Look at the size of this piece in comparison to what I'm asking you. Yeah, that's the whole thing. And that's right. And you're supposed to I give I'm giving you a little corner. You give me half, please. You're ruining the fucking show. You wanted a date last night. He shut the phone off this morning. He's a lover. I'm not a lover. I had a good time. We talked about sex. And you believe this? We talk. And again, he's talking about sex with a fucking bro. You realize she listens to this, right? What the fuck is wrong with you talking? No, because you give me shit for not talking like this. It was a good date. And where'd you take it? We went to Santa Monica. We went to,

uh, it's called Roboto Bar. It's like an Asian sort of grill thing place. It was good. We went there. We had a drink and then we went to the pier. Did you ride into the rides? Yeah, we did. We went on the Ferris wheel. I know you did, you little cock sucker. You got a damn ride I did. You didn't touch a titty or nothing on the Ferris wheel? I didn't do that. We made out and stuff, but no. Look at Lee making out, talking about sex on his first date. Look at me. Yeah. He got a new haircut. I did get a new haircut. No, it was, uh, did you tell you were juicing? I'm not juicing right now, but I mean, she, I think you're gonna smoke some of this. You're gonna sit there like a fuck. I have smoked it. People don't do anything. Because you don't do

nothing. We smoked before. We smoked. We didn't smoke. You took a little hit. You blew a little smoke. You don't even pay attention. You can't remember to put the headphones on. This is Lee's fucking smoke. This is Lee's smoke. You're the business. First of all, that's not all I smoked. The fuck? I can't smoke that much because if I smoke every day, time you make me smoke, I'll be fucking dead. I have to pace myself. I'm like you, who smoke 18 joints in a day and you wonder why you have an entire jar of peanut butter at night. This fucking guy cries constantly, people. He's already crying about San Jose. Eat the fucking chocolate. I swear to God, I stabbed you right on camera. I suck it.

What the fuck do you do to this joint? Nothing. Just hit it. See, right? Always a complaint. Just hit the fucking thing. Let me see you. Inhale that motherfucker. Let's do this shit, right? Inhale it. Ooh, that's a boy. Hit those little Jew lungs. Get the fucking yarmulkes out of there. Let me see you do a couple jumping joints. Where's the chocolate? Right there. Let's fucking eat this thing. Let's get the day started. This is the church of what's happened now. We ain't got time for this shit. We got Americans listening to this shit. People going to war. People fucking crazy. People that are scared to leave the house. Eat the fucking chocolate, god damn it, before I fucking throw this knife at your cock. Sucker. Unbelievable what I got to deal with.

Beautiful day to be alive. We're here in the church of what's happened and now, man, a lot of shit happened over the weekend. A lot of shit didn't happen before we would get this book. What the fuck are you at? Lee went over. A lot of shit happened. A lot of shit didn't happen. Where's that piece of chocolate? I still didn't see you. Let's go. Right now. Let's go. Right now. Get it out of the way. You want me to have another piece now? Let's go. That's not the piece. I'm not having no piece. I'm going to cut a piece and you're going to have to eat it on camera. Eat the fucking piece. I'm not eating the whole fucking piece. Eat the fucking piece. I'll stab you how I'm feeling. You want to go bed right now? You can finish this and you won't know how to present them with no

songs, no calls. I'll go to bed right now. I'm not eating the whole fucking piece. He believed this to Cheebo Chew. He's embarrassing me in front of the Cheebo Chew people. I know. I love their product. Their product is too good to eat an entire fucking piece. You're eating an entire piece. Just a quality. I mean, a half. I've been having edibles since September and you've been having edibles since you were fucking 16. No, I'm going to cut you not a little piece. Either you eat that fucking thing or I'm going to cut you a little fucking piece. You're not going to do anything. I'm going to eat as much as I want. I swear to God, I'll tie you up and I'll put one of these things in your asshole with a turkey base that you'll be

high for fucking 32 hours here in this room by yourself. It's up to you. I'll tie you up with the Israeli flag. So anyway, this is why you're going to put it in a turkey base. Start my ass. Because that's what the fucking hip kids do in Hollywood. No, it's not. Then they go and they jump up and down to the Jew band. They jump up and down. I'm going to July 6th at the Avalon. You fucking struts. July 6th to jump up. I like having fun. I'm sorry. He likes having fun. What fun? What fucking fun? You're going to go jump in, smell armpits, jump up and down. I'm bringing the girl, yeah. What girl are you bringing? Ashley? No, I'm bringing the girl one on date with last night. You just met her and you're taking her

to the concert. Were you even giving her a stab and yet you don't even know if a fucking muffler smells like taco chips. You don't know and you're ready. What does taco chips mean? You're fucking, you're a spanish and you don't know what tortilla chips are. It's called tortilla chips, taco chips. I already had two pieces of it. I'm writing the whole piece. No, you won't. You're not going to leave me alone. I'll leave you alone. Give me five minutes doing just the two. I'm going to break the other one out in five minutes. Chibochu was very nice. Chibochu's great. They have a fucking strong ass product. Who asked you? Who asked you? What the fuck do you know? You made me eat them. Look at this shit. Look at this shit. They got the hybrids.

They got the fucking indicators. They got the sativas. They got this thing with pain relief. That's 60 milligrams, these little fucking things. And this guy over here is crying. You know what? I'm going to hit you in the head with this fucking computer mouse and then you're going to have to get two stitches and you're going to need fucking pain relief for your skull cut sucker. This is what I got to deal with people. But seriously, Kentucky was great last week and I mean, the last two weeks I've gotten to like this last week was the Bible Belt. And years ago, I fucking ate shit in the Bible Belt, West Virginia and Charlotte and all that. So I just stopped going back. But then I started thinking about it. You have to stick it out with them.

You have to hang up there and talk to them and explain yourself. But the funniest fucking thing happened because Saturday night I realized that there was no warning signs. All right at the door. Whenever I'm performing, there better be a fucking warning sign. So I would think I would upset you that doesn't upset you. No, I want people to know what they're getting themselves into. Okay. Sometimes people at a restaurant eat and they go, why are there people standing over there? Oh, let's go over there. Who's this comedian? He appeared on General Hospital. So they think they're going to go in there and see some fucking guy talking about, you know, the news and what's

going on in Pakistan or whatever the fuck. And I'm up there talking about eating ass and stabbing a cat and fucking with the satan. And also they just run the fuck out of there. And I don't want to do that to people. I don't want people to have a bad taste in their mouth. I mean, I want you to do the research. I would do the, I do the research for everything before I fucking get out of the house. Yeah. And that's even before the goddamn computer. You call 10 people, you see this movie, what is it about blah, blah, blah. No, these fucking people, you know, they just go out. So sure enough, I told the management, I go, listen, I'm gonna go up there and tell them. So I went up there and said, listen, cocksuckers, I'm gonna tell you something before this show even starts.

Either, you know, this is not a Christian group. So I don't know what you heard on the radio or whatever. But I got to tell you more. So I go up there and tell them three minutes into a joke about not even a joke. I was talking about the food. The food was so fucking bad at this restaurant next to the comedy club. The mashed fucking potato. Listen, if you fuck up mashed potatoes, just get up and pay the tab because you can't fuck up mashed potatoes. How do you fuck them? It's milk, potatoes and butter and salt and fucking pepper and maybe a little mayonnaise, whatever people add. Everybody adds a little different thing for flavor, just horseradish, whatever. I don't give a fuck. These mashed potatoes were fucking horrid, horrid. And that's

all I said. And somebody got up and he goes, fuck you, fat Tony. And he goes outside and told the manager, Jesus fucking Christ, that was vulgar. That's exactly how he told the manager. Jesus fucking Christ, that was vulgar. Believe me when he said, fuck you, fat Tony. I fucking lost it. I loved it. I loved it. What's fat Tony? That's the guy I played in the longest shot. Oh, is it really? You gotta lead, lead, lead, lead, lead, lead, lead, lead, lead. I'm sorry, I don't know your own case. Yeah, what the fuck. Anyway, so no. So that was great. I had a great time. The hotel was great. I swam. I fucking did the apolliptical. I did a bunch of shit. And I came home yesterday. My plane was delayed three hours. Yeah, you call me at two. I'm like, he's supposed to be in sleep

by now. Let me tell you what the best one was. What? I get off the fucking plane and my car batteries dead. What the fuck? Somebody banged into it and it went beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. There's something fucking weird happening. Oh, no. So I called Subaru. They wanted to come to an hour when I seen this fucking Puerto Rican in a tow truck. I gave them a 20 for 20 dollars a guy in a tow truck would jump up and down on a fucking Sunday. You know what I'm saying? Because they can't get over. Hey, listen, money talks and bullshit walks. I always remember that shit, people. Yeah. I see these people at the airport, these old ladies that have these guys pushing their wheelchair and they gave them a fucking dollar. You give me a fucking dollar. I'll throw you off that

fucking ramp. Do you understand me? Fuck, give me a fake, god fucking. I'm pushing your smelling hairspray. Listen to this fucking here beating about your grandson that played tennis and fucking know the game. Who gives a fuck? You know, you gotta fucking take care of people. You gotta tip them. You gotta split them. I think you've got 40 bucks. I don't give a fuck. Just jump me and get me the fuck on the 405 and get me home. That's all I care about. It's Monday, Lee. You got the butt very important. Let's get this out of the way just so people know how the fuck I feel immediately. Rest in peace, James Gandolfini. It was a shame. You know, when somebody dies, especially something in Hollywood, you read all the shit people say and all the phonies come out

of the fucking woodwork and how this, whatever. I never met the guy. I never met the guy. I never breathed this fucking air. You know, I knew friends that were mutual with him. I will tell you one thing. I think the character, how he played Tony Soprano was fucking great. What he did in True Romance was fucking great. What he did, I've seen him in a few movies that he was great. The best thing people said about this guy was that he was very humble as an actor and he liked the party, like the rock and roll, you know? But I don't know if you people know this and let's get this shit out of the way. I watch Soprano's every day at five o'clock when my wife comes in. I have the baby. I watch SpongeBob till five and I'll watch, if it's the first two seasons of the Soprano,

I'll watch the whole episode. If it's anything after that, I'll watch 10 or 15 minutes of it just to see what he's doing in the episode or whatever. I'm going to tell you something, people, just so you fucking know. Yesterday me and my wife were sitting on a couch playing with the baby and I was giving her a bottle. I was trying to put her to sleep and I had a half hour to kill. It was seven, whatever, it was 10 after seven, whatever the fuck. And I taped the honeymoons every night at 130 and I taped the episode of when his mother-in-law came over and he put an alarm clock and gave her three minutes that he would start trouble. She would start an argument and she did. He throws her out and he throws the wife out and then he goes to make a recording and he does this recording

but he starts talking about the mother-in-law. She's a blabbermouth and nothing goes relaxed. You can't send her that and he makes another album and this one is a really good one where he says I love you but Norton made the mistake and sent her the bad album and she comes home and it's really weird because it's a great fucking written episode. And to me, to me, to me in this world, like even when I was growing up in 1970, everybody come home and said, oh my god, Saturday night was okay but not enough. Even today, the other night I got stuck watching that set whatever you fucking people are watching and think is funny, I don't get it. That guy's never said a fucking funny thing in his life but it's that American type comedy. Where you going? Oh my

god, whatever the fuck, it don't matter to me. It doesn't really. I don't even watch it so I don't give a fuck. When I was watching that honeymooning episode, yes, I was watching my wife's face because I had the baby shoes on the computer and my wife doesn't really and she was fucking howling. There was a couple parts and then with Norton, I was fucking howling and when the episode finished, I call my buddy who's a big honeymooner and I go, you know what, I've seen this episode 2,000 times and here I am crying. I'm crying because how brilliant it is. I'm crying because I'll never see anything like this again. There was three writers for the honeymooners. Saturday night, I've got 30 fucking writers, 30 plus the people who do the sketches. When you watch a TV show,

they've got 10, 7, 8 fucking writers. So when you see that junk, that's what eight people have collaborated on and a network of geniuses have fucking collaborated on and said that's a TV show. Okay, so it's like my friend Lee was saying that you got an email and somebody said to him, do you guys do a production meeting? You know, you can do all the production meetings and all the jumping down, all the makeup, all the outfits. If your show sucks, it sucks. If you don't put your fucking heart into it and you don't fucking get to the bottom of the writing, it sucks. Okay, now let's talk about what I'm trying to tell you. Sons of Anarchy is a good show. Is it gonna go down in the anals with television? No. That fucking Breaking Bad is a good show.

Is anybody gonna remember that show in fucking 10 years? No. All these fucking shows that you people watch, they're okay shows. They're okay shows for now for entertainment. Listen, I'm gonna tell you two times so you fucking know this. It's not because of Jersey and it's not because of fucking the mafia or whatever. Watch the first two episodes of The Sopranos and see what television and what film should fucking be. And if you don't believe, just watch it. Watch it. Didn't last week they voted the best television series of all times. The American Movie Academy or some television thing. Probably in. Let me explain something to you. They can't even do a mob movie anymore because The Sopranos was so strong because they got into the nuts and bolts. What we discussed on Friday,

when I got upset here on the show because I was telling you people, anybody could tell you a story. It's telling you the state of mind. That's what they have to sell you. That's why this wide podcasting is so popular now and radio is a fucking dinosaur because we're telling you our state of mind. It's no more Haley. Did you see what happened last night during the NBA finals? No. It's motherfuckers talking about getting a fart to the fucking face. And another poor guy saying he never took a fart to the face. Which if this was serious or something, some tough guy would go, yeah, cheeks fart in my face all the time. You understand me? That's the beauty of what's going on right now. And when you watch this story in the seventh episode of The Sopranos, he's taking

his daughter up to college to look at colleges. A mobster taking his daughter up to look at colleges and she confronts him. And this is where the bomb comes up between the daughter and the father because they're concerned about the boy. He has a son in the show and he's got a daughter in the show. The son's a fucking mutt like most little kids walking around today. That's why I would never have a kid like that because if I had a boy that was like that, I'd shoot him. I'd take him shotgun because a boy of mine can't act like that. But he got his point across to the girl. The girl, his daughter is very sleek and very street wise and she confronts him in the car. Daddy, are you in the mafia? And he has to fucking tell her something. He has to tell her something. Yeah.

HBO was going to cancel that show because in that episode, he goes to college and while he's getting gasoline, he sees somebody who ratted on a bunch of his friends. That's in the witness relocation now. So he went and killed the guy. HBO didn't want a mob boss killing anybody. The show was a mob show by 2000, not a mob show by 1800. That's what the problem with all the mafia shows you see today. That's why nothing's ever going to stick because they're still living in 1970. Hey, Gino, Gino, Nicky, and fuck, it's the same fucking shit. The Soprano's was something different. Just listen to this episode. I'm telling you, he kills this guy. When I'm a mob boss, I'm supposed to send a lead to go kill the fucking guy. No, he killed the guys, choked him with his

bare fucking hands. HBO said not to air the episode, just reshoot it. And David Chase shot it and sold it just like that. And the show became what it fucking was. So before you put on fucking Breaking Bad and you bust my balls or whatever, just watch the fucking Soprano. So RIP hit it. Hit with a little fucking music from the Soprano's for these cock suckers. Let me cut into my next edible number two going down, Lee. Are you with me? Are you with me? I'll have another piece of the one I already had. All right. Eat the fucking piece because if not, you're gonna have to cut a piece of this and you're gonna have to nail one of these. Stop your crying. Stop your fucking crying. All right. And a little while, you know,

I'm gonna bring you some honor too. It's time we put you on some honor fucking protein powder with your little blender. That's a boy. Eat the fucking thing. You gotta chew it. You can't swallow it like they gotta chew it. So the electrolytes go in your mouth and you fucking get it. The one you had this weekend was leaking THC. That's a force drink. That's a deca. This is a baby. This is a Chibo. This isn't the one. It's not a baby. Did you see the fucking label on the other one? It was a deca. It was a white label. Okay. And what's that? This is a green label. Okay. This is a one dose and it's a medium. Look, it's a little baby one. This is a hybrid. Good. I'm gonna get stoned. It's fine. We think Uncle Joey would take you to the fucking

world. Yes. We love taking me to the murky waters. You think it's the best thing in the world. You're gonna have those palms on your own this weekend, San Jose. Wait till those fucking those Manson followers get a hold of you and start making you eat cock with THC in it and that chick parts in your face. So please, you're ready to aggravate me. I'm trying to make the week easier for you, but you get high this morning dealing with this shit because what's gonna happen to you starting Thursday nights gonna be fucking ugly in San Jose this fucking Thursday night. I don't have to go anywhere until I just to be at the show. I don't see anyone till Friday. What? Wait, wait, wait, just wait. You don't know. What are you complaining about?

If I was you, I'd eat this fucking chibo, the whole thing just to prepare you for what's gonna happen to you Thursday night. If that was you, that's- You eat the chibo chew no matter who you are. I ain't saying that. I ain't saying that. If I was you, I'd eat the whole fucking chibo chew. You always eat the whole chibo chew. That's me. I always, because I'm a savage in preparation for Thursday because what they're gonna do to you on Thursday? I don't want to be around. I'm gonna leave you up there. What do you mean leave me up there? I'm sneaking out the back door. I'm leaving you up there with the people and watching. I'm excited to go up there. Everyone seems cool. Oh, you're that real cool. Wait till you eat fucking three of these chibo chew. I'm gonna eat three

chibo chews. You will up there. No, I'll smoke with them and I'll have like- And there'll be 80 people standing around you clapping. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. You're not gonna have a choice. I'll pass the ground and then I'll- You eat that other piece. Did you finish it? I did. I know I didn't finish it. Fuck you. Let's finish it. Let's go. No, I just had three pieces. That's enough. No, no, no, no. Fuck you. Go, go, go, go. God damn it. And everyone who gives me shit, the amount of high I get every time- The amount of high. He's only gonna do a fucking college graduate cry. No, because you talk shit and say I don't get high. You know full well I'm getting high because you call me hysterically laughing in about three hours like- I don't fucking call you. Have you moved?

I call you to say what's going on? Do you want to go swimming? Can I help you? You want to go eat some carrots? Can you help me? All you do is, as soon as we get off, you go, you rub my head, you laugh for about 35 minutes and you go home and you call and you make fun of me. I don't make fun of you. I love you. You're my fucking goomba. I know. I'm trying to get you ready for the real world. This is the real world out there. To cold fucking world out there. And you know what that world is. You still want to be friends with Ashley and hang out with three brother and- I haven't seen them for like two weeks. What are you talking about? Don't lie, cocksucker. I haven't. Now you know what? I need this to calm down.

Let me do it. Give me a hand. It's a beautiful fucking Monday to be a lot of people. Why are you talking over Tony? He ain't singing yet. I want to be around. To eat some metables with Lisa. I had this Monday morning. Lee, this is in your future. I'm going to be a snap with my fingers. I'm almost snapped out. Yeah, so you're all calmed down now. So I was thinking about something the other night. I went to the comedy store, our buddy Steve Simone, got me a ticket and I realized why I think people enjoy this so much. Because for me, the reason why I do it, I'm insanely jealous of hanging out

at comedy clubs. You couldn't pay me to be a comedian. That's not the thing I want to do. But the amount of camaraderie it seems like people have at the comedy clubs. And I know that different comics can be assholes. But in general, I think the reason people like podcasts is because you're hanging out with comics and they all seem to always be having a good time. I just love going to comedy clubs. I went by myself. I didn't even call anyone to go. It's like a movie, but it's better because you get your drinking. You don't have to be quiet, but you're watching entertainment. I fucking love it. Even kind of generic comedy, not bad comedy, but generic, can still be funny. And I saw Mark Currie,

who you haven't seen for a while. He was great. Ari came back. Tony Hinchcliffe went up. It was a great show. I was thinking about podcasts. Why are they so popular? I'm jealous of the stories you tell of just not even being on stage, but hanging out at this thing, hanging out at the comedy clubs. It's funny because when I read that movie, Ladies and Gentlemen, when I read the movie, when I read the book, Ladies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce, he talked about doing these strip clubs. And at the time, that was my state of mind. That's where I wanted to be. I wanted to be alone. I thought I wanted to live my life alone. I thought that I definitely wanted to have drugs in my life at night. I definitely, that was part of my life. I like to hold whatever.

And there is a very weird camaraderie. You look at me, I'm 50, and I'm all about friendships. And I'm all about belief. And I'm all about a lot of shit. Because I know at the end of the fucking week, sometimes the bonds you have with friends are stronger than your own fucking family. Yeah. I had a bond with a lot of comics. It was really weird. But it's like what happened to me at 18, happened to me again a couple of years ago, and it happened to me at the comedy store. I expected, I always thought that comedians were, look, there's 20 million fucking doctors. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. What's up, baby? What do you say? There he is, my main man, McBettancourt. What's going on, my man? How did the fucking ribs come out yesterday?

Let me tell you something. I got this thing called the Traeger grill, right? It's a smoker and a grill, all in one, seven and a half hours. When I opened the fucking grill, the ribs fell apart. That's how juicy they were. Oh, fuck. What'd you put on them for a rub? Did you rub anything? Did you put barbecue? What'd you put on that? This is how I do it. Mustard, you got to get Heinz yellow mustard, brown sugar, Worcestershire. Take it in that shit. Then you hit it with the rub. I smoke it for three hours. Every hour I check in, pour a glass of apple juice over each slab. Then I take them out, hint them in tinfoil. I cover them in brown sugar, drizzle them in honey, put a little apple juice underneath, hint them, cook them at

225 for another three. Then I take them out, I hit them with the sauce, and then I smoke them for another half hour hour to set the sauce. Unbelievable. So the whole thing's eight hours out the door. You're a fucking, what time did you eat till? I started cooking at about four in the morning, and I want to be eating it about midnight. Jesus Christ. That's true. When I called you, I was so happy. You were so proud of you, like, yeah, come over, eat a fucking, come on. I'm like, this guy's loving life today. What's going on? You working? Yeah, I'm going into work today. At 10, I'm cruising around now, checking in with you. I'm writing on a new NBC show called Ironside starring Blair Underwood and a bunch of other great up-and-coming actors,

and super excited about that. Got a podcast film called The Nick Bettencourt Show. And who's on this week? Who's on this week? Cindy Campanera. Okay. You know, I saw that you had Jack McGee on there last week or the week before. Jack is phenomenal. You just started this podcast, and this is your fourth episode. I saw you had Jack McGee on there, and I got to tell you something. I did a movie with Jack. You guys who don't know Jack McGee is, he's the father in the fighter. I did a movie called The Boilermaker with Jack, and it was a hundred-dollar-a-day movie, and the reason why I did the movie was when I saw Jack at the table read. Oh, no shit. That's the respect I have for Jack. Then we did the movie.

It was 18 days straight, and I got to really know him. He's an old timer from the Bronx, you know, and it's amazing that you look at a guy like that, and he's got some great fucking stories like we all do that have been around the block once or twice. He's got, you know, stories of heart attacks and the whole fucking deal. And we were talking to you last night, Nick, how long have you been clean on drugs now? Clean off drugs? Eleven years. Completely everything, correct? Everything. Ten years. Just over ten years, no cigarettes, and no booze. Nothing that affects me from the neck up for eleven years. And do you used to be a drugie or an alcoholic? Which one?

Well, an alcoholic, but if you had a little blow, I would partake in that and then try to find where the nearest safe was. Where the nearest what? I try to find out where the nearest safe was. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the same way. I'm the same way. It's just weird that now you're writing on a show. You know, I've known, you're one of those comments I've known for a long time and I love to death because there's no fucking around with you. I see you. Yeah, I see you and I know what I'm getting. I give you a hug. What's going on? You don't hit me with, oh my God, I just came back from a meeting. No, you just went, oh, you know me, fucking around, putting the pieces together. And then I go home and I see your name at the end of the law and order SVU.

Who the fuck's better than you? You know what I'm saying? All these other fucking people, they walk around with an NBC shirt. Nothing bothers me more when somebody walks around advertising what the fuck they do. Remember in the 80s and 90s comedians would put a suit on with sneakers and you felt like smacking them in the fucking mouth. Like now I see these people, like whenever I see people with that artistic Sinatra hat in Hollywood, I want to smack them right in the fucking face because I get it. You're a camera dude. You ever go to a set and you, if you go to a set and you can tell who the director is from his outfit, he's a fucking mook. And you know what I'm talking about. You know those people, especially when it's a woman director,

they always have to have three noses in their fucking rings, three rings in their noses, and a fucking tomahawk and a blonde stripe. And you know, a tattoo of a fucking snake attacking a Puerto Rican, you know, they always got fucking something on to let you know I'm the director. And then you go to direct and they suck. It's like a comic with a lot of credits. Everybody knows those that snake hate Puerto Ricans. So you gotta say that it's half the director's fault for the tattoo, but in a way he's replicating the truth. But it's so funny how they dress up to the fucking part and that's always burned me up. When you see me, I want you to think I'm a union electrician.

Yeah, I mean, well, that's it. That's how I dress. I wear a pair of brown dress shoes, jeans, and I wear a blue hoodie when I'm on set. And I look like a grip. So a lot of times when I tell somebody, listen, I need you to go over there and do this. They're like, who the fuck are you? And I'm like, I'm your boss. It's fucking crazy. You don't have to fucking scream it out. You just got to be a gentleman, do your job, work hard. And don't be a fucking. I don't know when it became okay to be a fucking asshole and not get checked. I mean, when we were coming up, if you ran your mouth, you got fucking, you got checked.

Someone punched you and then you go, you get snapped back to reality. That was the point of getting punched. It wasn't so that the other guy could act tough. Those were the rules. You ran your mouth. And then when you got punched, you got snapped back to reality and someone go, Hey, why are you got a fucking black eye? And you go, I ran my mouth and Tommy fucking checked me. And they go, Oh, good. You're good now. Yeah, we're good. That was it. That was as complicated as shit had to be. Well, you live in here and nobody can get checked and anything. You can't even look somebody in the face and go, Hey, bro, you did this wrong. You cut me off. They'll put they'll put and then this is the best they put the defensive on.

They get tough with you. Then if you bit slap them, they don't know when one all they can't, they lose their shit. They lose their shit. I've never seen motherfuckers like this except here where they start a fight with you and then down my one one. Yeah, it's very, I don't understand what it's a weird controlling that I don't buy in any of them. I won't, I don't say shit to anybody. You want to fucking cut me off the traffic. Go ahead. I got more, you know, I got kids now fucking go ahead. Do you want to be a pick on the freeway? Good on you, man. Ships to, you know, I had to re prioritize a lot of stuff because, you know, when you get out delay, it's, it's a whole nother fucking universe that,

you know, the stakes are high. So you want to get in the game a little bit. But like you just said, there's these weird rules where you can't check anybody. So why I don't even entertain the idea anymore because you're the one that's going to wind up in gosh, you know, it's funny when I did the movie with Jack McGee. I knew these people were fucking wheelers and dealers. I took the roll. You know, it's the movie where I quit doing blow job, Mac. It was, it's a shit movie. It was a good movie, believe it or not with John. What's the guy from the deer hunter, John? Oh, the blonde head. Oh, the blonde here got hurt? John hurt? No, no, no, no. Well, he's in the movie. Jack McGee's in the movie. One of the guys from

son's anarchy is in this boiler maker. And I did the John Cazelli. No, no, no. Look at the hunter, the third actor, John Savage, John Savage, John Savage isn't, wasn't the movie. Good looking dude. That motherfucker made some good movies and he was also in do the right thing. So I saw him at the table read. So I take this job with Jack McGee and it just so happened that that's the week I get clean and sober. I'm off the blow and I take this fucking job. And you know, when you get clean and sober, the first seven days, you're walking on fucking eggshells. And you know that God, the first 30 days, the first 50 years you're walking on eggshells. So I'm about, I'm about a week clean and I start this movie and I get that Thursday,

Mick. And there's nothing I hate, Mick, when they don't have food on the fucking table. Nothing pisses me off more with the union dudes that I fucking pay. When I go to a movie set and they got granola, those fucking logs that I can't stand those granola blogs with peanut butter chocolate chips, which fucking I can't stand. And then they have like the apple with the orange and they have water. Like if I go to a movie to do that, and that's what you have, I lose my fucking mind. You do know that. Well, also you're seven days off a coke. So you haven't eaten in the last 15 years. So now you got some time to catch up on. No, no, no, no. I'm telling you, when I do those things, I get serious. I pay master fucking dudes insane. So Thursday we get there,

there's no food. Friday we get there, there's no food. And they're sending you out for lunch, which I had never been sent out for lunch only on Spider-Man. But they tell you to walk down to the corner on Spider-Man, they pay you 25 bucks to eat out. So they give you 25 bucks and the meal is only 10. So you make 15 fucking bucks. So you make 75 for the fucking week. If you look at it that way, these people telling you, no, go eat lunch off the lot. And we're working off the 170 on Sherman Way. So I know it's fucking crazy. Finally, I go back up there on Sunday. Again, there's no food. And I say something to Jack McGee and a couple of the other actors. I say, guys, can you do me a favor and help me out here? Because this cannot be. They got to have something.

And meanwhile, all these actors are talking behind the director and everybody's back going, Jesus Christ, when are these people going to have food? So finally, it's Sunday. If I got to work on a Sunday on your movie, Mick, do me one favor. First of all, don't make it a 12 hour day. And second of all, you better have fucking food there. People are coming away from their families to do your fucking stupid movie. I want you to go above and beyond that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like if you're supposed to just have food, get bagels on a Sunday and show us that it's a little bit that goes a long way in life. I'm in fact, how the fuck do you think I treat people like royalty when I do when Jack did my short film? If you go on daily motion, anybody that's listening,

Jack and I did a short film where he plays the dad and Donald Loge speaking of sons of anarchy and copper is in it as well. Best grant from the artist. We did a little short film. We shot it over three days. I had a caterer come in from the time we set the cameras up in the morning till they went at night, four meals, a craft service table. And we did it upright, even though it was a small independent film. I did a union waivers, you know, low budget waivers. So we kept it all union and money went toward everyone's pension fund. I mean, that's how you do it. That's how you do it, man. Show up and do your business, right? Or you're a fucking asshole and you cheat people. And then it comes back when climate kicks you in the dick. So I get this Sunday, everybody's

bullshit. My blood pressure is fucking 190 over fucking a thousand. I'm Cuban and I'm not doing any blow. And it's the Lord's Day. I'm Catholic and it's bothering me just to leave the fucking house. I asked the actors, I go again and then put no food. I go watch lunchtime. I'm going to fuck off. And at lunchtime, I went out, then I grabbed the girl and I go, where's the fucking food? And she goes, I don't know. And I start yelling. The producer comes out, he starts yelling, but in 10 minutes they got the whole fucking supermarket there. But you know what, the whole next 16 days, nobody talked to me. They treated me like I have fucking AIDS. Yeah, man. They all pretty much like didn't mess with me because they were like, man, I can't believe you

talk to the director and the producer like that. What do you want me to do? Sit here and let these guys fucking in the fucking ass? And I checked them like a man. I checked them how you get checked on the street. See, the old days I'd be throwing tables and shit. This time I asked her a nice thing and I went to produce and I go, bro, you got to fucking do the right thing here. You can't have me here with no fucking food on Sunday. That's rude. That's just rude. And I think the guy was like from Detroit or something, which really got me pissed off. He wasn't some Jamoc from fucking out here. This guy was like from these coasts that had the flavor. He knows he's a fucking Catholic. You got to fucking put food out for motherfuckers on a Sunday.

Yeah, Sundays, you're crossing a serious line if you fuck what we want. On Sunday, no. So if you just crawled out of a fucking cave Sunday, Sunday. So every time I see Jack, he's cool. He always gave me love. He always called me wild man after that. He's like, you're a fucking wild man, but I had to say something. And now these people never did nothing with the fucking movie and they're doing plays and they keep emailing me, come watch our play. I'm like, fuck you. I reply, fuck you. Where's that fucking movie? It's not even on Amazon. I haven't made a fucking dime from it yet. I come see you play if you set out a food tray.

Yeah, I come see you fucking play if you put out some fucking pickles and shit. Nothing pisses me off more than that. When I do those movies, because you work on movies that they give you more fucking food than what did you do? Do it. Then you're going to something else and they got fucking nothing. I'm sorry to get you off the track, Mick. I know you're working hard. What's going on in your world? Mick, talk to me. I'll talk about food all day. I had a dream about the combo sandwich last night. You remember that? What combo sandwich? Oh yeah, the hot Italian with the fucking sausage in the middle. Yeah, I mean, what's better than that? The fucking sandwich has another sandwich on it. The sandwich is topped with the sandwich. Oh my god, that fucking Chicago.

I remember I used to go to that club on the south side, Riddles, and the guy at the deli where I ordered delivery, he'd make me a pipe out of aluminum foil and he'd give me a little reefer every time I ordered it. That's what Chicago's all about. You following me? Fuck any down at KJ Riddles. Fuck yeah. Let me tell you something. I'll be in Zany's in October or something and I'll be downtown and I'm happy. I have friends down there, but I love the south side of fucking Chicago down there, Harlem, whatever that fucking street is. They got some Chinese restaurants. Oh my god, they got a steak and shake across the street from a white castle. What are you fucking kidding me or what? You know what I do with the white castle?

Now when I get it, I just throw it. I buy it, I drive it back to the room and then I just throw it in the toilet. I cut off the metal man. Come on, Doug. You're killing me. I eat two of those things. Every time I go to any, like this week they had them in Lexington. I didn't go, but I fucking, every time I go to Riddles on Friday nights, I get two of them with some fries and a diet Pepsi. Watch. What's this? There you go. I just farted for you live on the air. That's what the white castle did to me. It went right through my fucking system. Oh, that fart is tremendous. Forget it. You fucking fucking fucking whiff of this fucking ass. Oh yeah. You just hit your pants. I didn't shit my pants. It was just a ricocheted off the chair right into the microphone.

You know how I do it. I know fucking the pitch. Two baby angels just got their wings. Oh, forget. I'm just ready. You ready for another edible? No, this fucking guy fucking. Thank you. You know how we do it. Don't get ready for Monday. They ain't fucking around out there on Mondays no more. We already popped the chibo chew. I ate three strong bones and an alpha brain for an honor. I'm ready to fucking go. I'm ready to jump out a window with a cape on. I spent stiller and permanent midnight. I'm telling you, I eat an edible when I get up on Monday morning is out of respect. I got a meeting over at fucking night. I got a meeting at the production meeting at one o'clock. I'm going to go over there and rock their world. They're going to ask me for ideas.

Mick, you know, we have to have a good time, Mick. I don't give a fuck no more. Just make sure no one says white castle at the meeting. No, no, no, because that fart was tremendous. It was the root. I had some fucking horrible food in Lexington at this restaurant. They had steak meatloaf. It was meatloaf built around the steak and the crust on it was bad. I've been farting. You know, you got to shit while you eat. That's fucking always a bad sign. When you're eating something, you got to shit right. You got to go shit. That means that that fucking dragon meat went right to your stomach. What am I going to do? What's the plate? Portellos, right? That's a place you guys like. Well, yeah, I mean, that's more, I'll accept Portellos, but as far as beef

sandwiches go, I like bone and beef on Roosevelt Road, the original, you know, in the neighborhood that I grew up. That's a good one. I mean, so fucking good. Portellos is good. They got that chocolate cake that tastes like you're eating chocolate pudding. That's dynamite. I glue Malnati's pizza when I'm back home. I get a combo sandwich. I go to Jean and Jude's, which is the best hot dog in the world. I actually just overnighted some of those hot dogs. Had those Thursday. It's funny how when I lived in Boulder, that's the first time I ever had a Chicago hot dog at Mustard's Last Stand fucking delicious with the pickles and shit on it. Tremendous. Oh, yeah. The bright green relish. You get a little celery sauce on there. The hot

pepper, the steamed poppy seed bun. It's a shame hot dogs are bad for you. Can you imagine like hot dogs were really fucking healthy for you? How many? Everybody would be healthy. Those motherfuckers are so good. God. I don't think there's anything that is good for you, man. I that's the fucked up part. I'm as you know, I'm getting a little old and I got kids. I'm trying to be healthy and I don't know what I can or can't eat. It seems like everything's a fucking cyanide pill. You know, sometimes, you know, I had cereal yet. I love, I love corn flakes. I fucking love corn flakes, but they get boring after a while. So I took two corn flakes and I mixed it with a box of frosted flakes the other day. My head almost blew up. Oh, yeah, that's next level.

You do a little, you get hung up Cheerios frosted flakes. I do a little mini-weeds and then I tap a little cinnamon sugar over the fucking top. Damn, that's deep for a guy who don't smoke pot. How'd you come up with that one, McBethacore? I got the internet. And you're a fucking chip. So you've been clean 11 years, brother. You miss it? Was it hard to get clean? You know, I knew I was going down, not in a way like it's funny. I acted more like an animal when I was in my teens and early twenties, just from being young was very difficult for me. But you know, people saw the way that I was partying and they were like, this guy's like Farley, man, he's fun. He runs it till the wheels come up and Farley, it just dies. So once people started

telling me that, I'm like, am I like, and then I started getting that little bit of awareness and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die. Like I would go out for three days and just run it hard. And you know, I couldn't have sustained that. And I feel like if I would have went for about another six months, you and I wouldn't be talking right now. You know, you always think that like I quit six years ago. And I know for a fact that the point when I was when I was ready to quit Coke, you're ready for this, make at one point in the night after I do like two grams of blow by myself, the bottom of my spine would hurt. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like that's the point that I was in, like I get electric shocks on my spine from time to time and just wiggle. And I knew was fucking, it was

like I was getting hit with one of those fucking taser guns, like I was downtown LA, you know, but that's when I knew and I knew that you can't recover from that. That's the shit that affects your central nervous system. That's the shit later on, you know, I was watching that Richard Pryor documentary. And I gotta tell you, man, I think the blow had a lot to do with that disease and that shaking you had. Mitzi shows got the same fucking shaking. You know, at one point when I was when I was towards the end of my drinking, this would be in 2001. If I was out drinking past three in the morning, I made a deal with myself because I didn't want to drive on the street. I would just drive home on the sidewalks. So I had people in the car and they'd be like,

what the fuck, man? And I'm like, I'm driving on the sidewalks, but I wouldn't touch the gas pedal. So I just coast, you know, and I thought, well, someone pops, who the fuck is going to be on the sidewalk at four in the morning? And plus, I'm just coasting at like two miles an hour. I just tap the brakes and I can stop. I thought, man, I'm the safest fucking driver out right now. Meanwhile, I'm driving five, 10 miles on sidewalk. You know, I was telling shit about, you know, my state of mind when I lost my mom, when I was a kid, when I first left New York City, fucking Nick, it was scary, you know? I broke down on Friday. I didn't, on Wednesday, I really did. And I went home and had a hard

day that day because I put myself there for the day. You know, when you sit back now, I'm fucking 50. That was 30 years ago. And I look at that shit and I'm like, God damn, Mick, what the fuck were we thinking? Oh, yeah. I, you know, it took me a long time to get over that shit with my grandfather. He died in my arms and no one else was around. And that was the only guy at that point that had really fucking gone out of his way on a continual basis to be nice to me and teach me some life skills. And once that happened, I remember going into Ascension Church, when no one was there down the block from my grandmother live, and I just spit on the fucking cross. And I'm like, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. You took everything. And man, I lived the

next 14 years of my life like I was in a fucking trench war with God. Those wounds were on deep, man. You know, it's amazing when you lose your faith in a religion that you, you know, and not in a religion and a God that you believe so much in. At that point, I didn't believe in no fucking God. The Buddha could suck my dick. Jesus could suck my dick. The Israeli God could suck my dick. Moses could suck my dick, you know, and then you relapse and you end up going back to church. You know, I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I went to Mass last Sunday morning. It was a fucking nightmare. You sit there and you go, how the fuck did I do this as a kid for an hour and 15 fucking minutes? And as an adult, I want to get the hell out of here after I hear the first organ fucking.

I'm, well, I baptized my daughter over on St. Charles on Lancashire. And then I went back, but I got out of it for a long time. And then I got, I got confirmed when I was about 30 years old after prison. I went back to Sacred Heart or whatever the fuck it was in Boulder and I got confirmed. That's crazy, man. Yeah, I, I went to Catholic Great School, Catholic High School. I went to Jesuit College for a year, but I can't overlook the, uh, the shit the church did, man. I think that Catholicism itself has a good message, but the church is too much for me, man. I can't, uh, you know, thousands of fucking men abusing kids and then a systematic organizational cover-up, man. That's a little too much for me. No, no, no, it's, it's fucking deeper than deep, but uh,

it's like anything else. That's what it became. That's not what it was. That wasn't the intention of it. You know, as much as you want to ignore that, you can't at times. Like in my mind. Well, the message is good, but the messengers, but the messengers are fucking kids. The messengers are fucking kids. Oh, it's like my uncle said, my uncle says, it's a religion of faggots. I fucking sat there at Langers and I waited for a lightning bolt to break the fucking table. But I guess the pastrami god's a lot heavier than our fucking god. But, uh, no. It's a perfect hustle, man. Once you marry yourself to god and you say, I'm a messenger of god, it's you fuck old ladies and kids up. That those are the two people that get hurt the most old ladies and kids.

That's amazing. That's fun. You know, when I was growing up, you know, I grew up in the 70s. I, I didn't even suspect that, Nick. That wasn't in my world. I never even, when I was 14, one time, I got hit. I wasn't even hitchhiking. It was, it was a snowstorm. And I got pulled over and asked me if you wanted a ride and he didn't touch my cock. He went for my basketball, which was posted in between my legs. But that was the only time I could say any sexual misconduct was done against a guy like me. And it's either because I was an ugly fucking kid or because your body language, something about how you were raised at home. It's got to be something. There was a teacher in my high school who was very basketball oriented and he'd come out at night and take the kids to play

basketball. And then after he'd buy his sodas and he'd take us into New York city to, to watch the Rucker League. And I asked around for years after that, after I found out about teachers, I asked around if anybody, if he had a molestation, everybody said, no, he was just a, a nerdy, cool guy that didn't have a fucking life. But it's usually those guys are the ones that, you know, try to make you fucking dress up like fucking Aladdin and suck your dick and shit like that, you know. I don't even know if I need to dress up like Aladdin. There was a teacher in my school, Miss Stephens who sucked dick like a motherfucker. I had a friend who would go out with me and get fucked up and then tell me to drop him off at the teacher's house and he would go fuck

the teacher. Yeah. Yeah. She was hot. She was a blonde. That was she liked. She fucked all the wrestlers, but you know, that shit's been around forever. So it makes you think how many teachers really fuck girls. Then the other hand of that is how many fucking of them, you know, had sexual relationships with boys in high school, whatever. I didn't hear about that. It's like, I was always a coke guy. If somebody came to me in Hollywood tomorrow, I'll give you $1,000 for a $10 bag of meth. I couldn't find it for them. I don't know nothing about meth. The same thing with heroin. I don't hang with those people. I was a coke guy and a reefer guy. You know, I was an intersexual misconduct. So I don't know those people when I meet somebody. Wait a second. When you got,

when you were getting keyed up on coke, you just, what do you do? Just grind it out. You didn't get in any kinky shit. You know, yeah, I'll put a coke rock up your asshole or something like that and eat your pussy. That's as kinky as it gets. I never went to orgies. I had one fucking threesome in Miami in 97. It was horrible. I had dead dick and I had one fat chick and I had one fucking chick that was banging with fake titties and I put in the whole thing. It was a fucking nightmare. I'd never been a sexual deviant, bro. Do you know that? I've never been a sexual deviant. I like talking about it. I like, what? What the fuck are you talking about, Lee? I've never been a sexual deviant. I'm not a sexual, I'm a sexual deviant with the woman I'm with.

I like eating pussy and eating ass and getting my dicks up from 69-ing. But I've never been like a sex club guy or an orgy guy or a... Well, no, but usually when coke's around, it's, you know... Oh, when cocaine's around, you're a fucking, you're an animal. You're like Kennedy. You're a fucking animal. Yeah. I mean, there's no, it's all though it's funny. Like, I'm the guy that put weight on with cocaine. Like, people would smoke weed and get calm and I'd be the guy fucking literally jumping off dress or suplexing people. They'd be like, what the fuck? What's got Bob Marley on? We all just smoke the fuck, calm the fuck down. And I'd be like wanting to wrestle people, then I'd do coke and I'd take a nap. You know, when I did coke, I would shut the fuck up too.

But I'd get evil. It would all be in my head. I'd be sitting there in a corner just thinking about what my next move was. But whenever I got a woman back to the fucking room or back to the fucking Sandusky manor with a coke rock, because that's what it really becomes. When I bring a girl back after a date, I'm bringing her back to my home to show them my love and my home in those days. When you come with cocaine, you're inviting her back to the sky. You love your high on cocaine. I'm going to show you my love. Yeah. No, no, no. When you're high on cocaine, you don't show them love. You show them your Sandusky side. That's when you bring them over and ask them if they'll suck your toes and rub alcohol on your dick with a feather. That's when you get all fucking retarded.

That's when my retardation would come in. I used to like to like flip chicks over and put a coke rock in their ass and eat that pussy and come on their face. I'm a little simple motherfuckers. I love 60 90. I think you call that a gentleman. I think you call it. Oh, I love all that shit. Fuckin' them and 69. I love 69. And that's my favorite fucking thing. Sucking that fucking monkey when somebody's sucking your pipe. Top of bottom. Let me, I'm in the bottom. I'm a bottom guy. Let me ask you this. Have you seen Inside the Convalabra, the Liberace movie? Did you see that yet? I got you. I don't see shit, man. Oh my God. I'm the walking fucking stereotype with the kids. I don't see anything. Oh my God. You got to watch this inside the Convalabra and HBO movie with

Michael Douglas and Matt Damon. How smooth the old faggot was because no everybody's now today is gay. The people that you see in Hollywood, they're gay. Oh my God. It was amazing last night. You know, uh, Lewis CK did 43 minutes. They're gay people, but old faggots. You don't see no more of those old school faggots. Three motherfuckers. And if you watch this inside, they had this whole world. You could so much pressure was on them to stay in the closet. No, but this Liberace, you got to watch the whole move, dog. How he, he, he sucked in Matt Damon, sucked them in, sucked them to fucking in this movie. And then it's getting your dick sucked from a fag with a wig. That's what takes it even deeper. They, he takes them back to his room and Matt Damon's like,

things are moving too fast. I think I should get a whole terrible. He's like, don't be foolish. Stay on your side of the bed. I won't even touch it tonight. And Matt Damon's like, oh, that's a relief. He lays down to the next, to this creepy fucking fag with a wig on. The next thing you know, he wakes up, you hear birds and shit. He opens his eyes and he's fucking held in a wrestling position by Liberace. He's got a heart on Liberace. He looks at me and he goes, oh, look who's up. And he puts that cold fag mouth on his fucking pipe. And it's all over. Nobody could recover from that. Even if I was there, a fag without a wig, without his wig on, with that cold mouth on my pipe, I just closed my eyes and make believe it's

fucking Chelsea Handler or something. I don't give a fuck. And later that night, you'd be helping push that fucking piano. Bro, the next night, the next day I have a fucking, a bunch of rings and a cape on with silver fucking metals with a big yamaka saying, suck my dick. What are we singing tonight? No, no, you got to watch that movie, people inside the Cod Dahlabra, whatever the fuck it is. So what days do you do? Are you doing the podcast live or do you tape it and then people could download it later on? We tape it and, you know, episode four drop today. I'm pretty new to the podcast game. I'm really excited to get one out. I mean, the whole, you know, I've spent

15, 16 years in the comic. I spent the last 13 years writing and producing and acting in dramas. So the kind of log line of the podcast is half comedy, half drama, all hearts. I'm trying to get people from both worlds to come on, not only to share interesting stories, but I think that, I don't know if it's a dirty secret, but you know, the, the, my intention with this is like when guys like you and I were coming up, there was, you know, it was all word of mouth and it was really hard to get access to guys to get straight information. And I want people all across the country and we're getting some people overseas listening too to have access to people like Jack Mickey, who can talk about going from the projects in the Bronx to becoming a fireman.

And then how do you go from there to being in over a hundred movies? That's amazing. So, you know, yeah, I mean, so I'm getting people on like Cindy Campanera is on today, Southside Chicago girl, who, uh, you know, was from the pretty much the back of the Yards neighborhood. What the second city want up in a job writing for Saturday Night Live, I get 57 shameless. And, uh, you know, there's a lot of women out there that want to become comedy writers. And, you know, she came up with Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch and Colbert and Steve Carell and shares all those stories. And I'm like, and I don't want to ask you, what do you do? How do you overcome

failure? What happens when, you know, some people say, see a flyer, I want to take an acting class or whatever, but that fear creeps in and then they go their whole life. And they go, I, you know, I wish I would have done that. So I hope people can listen to this and hear people just like them who were at those crossroads in their life and actually pushed through or past whatever that thing was that was stopping them from getting the life that they want. It's amazing that make out you look at a career or something and you look at it and at that time and that age, it's so far away. It's on such a pedestal and right away, our basic fucking bullshit makes us think we'll never be good enough to do it. And one day out of the grace of fucking God,

you go, you know what, I'm sick and tired of living in fear. I'm sick and tired of living like this. I'm going to go do this. And I don't give a fuck what my family says or what my friends say. And you know, and I'm just going to do this and in eight years, 10 years, 14 years later, there you are. And that pedestal that you looked at that thought was so far away and you're like, this wasn't shit. I can do it again. And all that held us was fear. That's it. All that held us. It took me 11 years, 11 years to get my first major movie acting role, 11 years. It's great. I mean, you know, stand up a little different. You can get up at open mics and work your way up to clubs, writings, you know, people are listening and they want to write and they

wonder how you do it. You get a pen and then they get a piece of paper and then you write some shit down. Now getting hired as a writer is something completely different. But if you want to be a writer, then you got to write. And that I feel out of all the artistic crafts, which may be the exception of painting, nothing is more in your control because it's just you and the page. It's a weird fucking animal writing, man. It either grabs you or it doesn't. I wish it would have grabbed me when I was 18. I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be in a fucking cafe, getting my feet rubbed in fucking Abu Dhabi writing books about fucking Cubans coming over here and fighting alligators in the circus. That's some shit. But here I am sitting across from a fucking Jew

that won't eat an edible with his uncle Joe. I ain't an edible. I didn't have another one. How you feeling? You ain't even high. No, you're not. You're sitting there. You didn't even hide. He's another piece for your uncle Joe. Where's the rest of that piece? Let me see how much you're eating total producer. Yeah, you don't eat shit. I do. Look what he ate. Look at it. Look at it. He didn't eat a fucking thing. I did do that. Will you stop being a girl? What's his name, Joe? What's his name? Lee. Lee Syed. The baddest motherfucking Jew I know in the last two months, some chick broke his heart and he's walking around like fucking a Red Sox fan for 20 fucking years. Lee, let me tell you something about Joey. He's got feelings and right now,

you gotta go put a new pair of shoes on if you're going to kick his fucking heart around like this. That's right. So eat the fucking. I ate a quarter of the piece he gave me. He gave it to me at six in the morning and I have to go to work tonight. He's coming at six o'clock at night. He's worried about six o'clock at night. Talk to this kid, will you? Eat the fucking. Joe, listen, Lee, you gotta do what he tells you and listen. There's going to be no bullets in the clip, but if anyone walks up to the car, you just show them the gun, okay? Eat the fucking piece, Lee. God damn, why are you embarrassing me for this guy? Making me fucking feel like some fucking drug pusher. I'm trying to help you. This guy's an

editor. He's going to work for me. He sits in the fucking desk on my eat popcorn and apples. You could be high. You'll be fine. You need to eat the other half of the edible. Joe and I are going to run into the bank real quick. You need to keep the car running and have it spacing. That's it. Just keep the fucking time. Let's go. Where is it? Put it in the water so it dissolves in the water, throw it in the water and you drink that chocolate water. When am I going to see it? Well, I want to get you on the podcast. So I'll shoot some dates out to you and we'll do it over on the lot. We'll do the eighth that Monday night. Yeah, you want to do it after the fourth, right? Yeah, that Monday night because that's when I come back because I leave Wednesday this week

and the next week I leave again on Thursday. So I'm not around. I come back Monday. I run into a fucking wall of a day and I got the baby. Monday after the fourth, man. Monday after the fourth. Oh, me too. It's always a pleasure seeing you. We'll come over. I'll eat an edible. I ain't bringing this fucking guy with me. That's it. He ain't even, he may not come to San Jose. That's it. It's over. That's it. I'm finding another Jew. I'm going to Marie T right now to find another little Jew who's ready to rock. You're out of the circle of trust, Lee. That's it. That's fine. I'll go to bed. That's it. Fucking guys. So where can they find the podcast, little brother? iTunes. You can go on iTunes. It's the Mick Bettencourt show, M-I-C-K-D-E-T-A-N-C-O-U-R-T,

the Mick Bettencourt show. Or you could hit me up on Twitter at Mick Bettencourt and it's on Skitcher as well. Same thing, the Mick Bettencourt show. And if you get a chance, Ironside's going to drop this fall. Also, I just wrapped a show called Necessary Roughness on USA. On USA. Yeah, now this Ironside, the Ironside that we grew up on with the fat dude with Milton Barrow. What's his name, Bill? What's his name? Raymond Burr. Raymond Burr. Fucking Ironside. Slight re-imagination of that show, but it's Blair Underwood's the lead. With a fucking black dude? I don't think so. New York detective who got shot in the line of duty and is in a wheelchair. All right, I'm taking.

I love you, Cox. Always. Thank you very much, Mick. I love you, buddy. All right, I love you too, brother. I'll see you soon. All right, stay black. Fuck. The fuck. What the fuck? Anyway, I was telling my man that I lost some weight. Yeah, you said you lost seven pounds. And do you know why? Because I went back on that on that strong bone because it allowed me to do more shit. It allowed me to walk every day and not be sore. I told you that's the biggest fucking problem in your effect, fuck, that you want to do shit, but you can't. And there's a lot of shit. I love to go to Jiu Jitsu three times a week, but I know it would be too much for me, especially with kickboxing

and walking and trying to fucking do the elliptical. It would be too much. So for right now, my goal is twice a fucking week. This week I could go Tuesday and I'm going to do it as private with Salami on Wednesday. But with the strong bone allowed me to walk more. I did the epileptical fucking two days in Lexington, which I could only do like three days a week if I go to kickboxing. I did it two days and two times in two days, both times 40 fucking minutes. So please check out honest products. Another thing it doesn't give you if you put church in the box, it doesn't give you a code for ropes and stuff like this. The code I give you guys is just for the minerals. I just want you to get healthy. Try the stuff out and see what you think. All right,

that's it. Don't go get no fucking balls and no fucking ropes and then call me up and go enjoy what the fuck the church ain't working in the box. That's all I'm trying to say to you. Let me do some shout outs. Lee disappointed me. I want to give a shout out to my man Tony Ibarra overcoming fear. My little buddy, Dominic Cortez, the smallest church. What's happened now fan. He's two weeks old. He listens to the church. He also thinks you're a cocksucker. My man, Greg Cibella, John and Penny. Happy anniversary on Wednesday. Right fucking. This girl hit me up that the guy's a fan. He wants us. We ain't got time for that shit. We got shit to do on Wednesday. So you know what? Happy anniversary. Cut this shit. Daniel Riley, Diego Jordan, David Household

and Raul Duke digging trenches in fucking Jersey. I love you cocksucker out there in the humidity. Those are real fucking soldiers. He'll eat an edible. If I pull up to him right now with that shovel in his fucking hand, sweating, drinking water, he would eat an edible. I had an edible. Let me see the piece. I didn't eat the whole fucking piece. No, I just showed you. I didn't eat it anymore. You want to smoke some more? I have a very serious question for you though. Why is the faggot's mouth cold? I don't know in the mornings. I don't know that. Like why is it cold? I don't know. I don't ask him. But again, I don't want nobody to take offense, whether you're gay or the gay guys or the young guys. I don't hate you. I love you to

fucking death. I'm just saying there's a big difference between a gay guy and an old faggot. Yeah, big thing. It's like the most interesting man in the world. He's an old pimp. He's 57, 56, and he still slings dick. Why? Because he's patient. He sits there. He knows that you're going to come back and go, oh, he's such a nice old man. He didn't try to fuck me in the ass. Then he gives it to you, the velvet hammer cock sucker. I don't think the most interesting man in the world does anal sex. He does whatever the fuck he wants. You know why? Because he's the most interesting man in the world, cock sucker. He shows up with a case of beer. That's why. Kyle, will you get any music for me? Sure, why not? Come on. Let's hit me with something for

these people. It's 10 out of 10 in the East Coast. It's fucking 12 if you're in London, England. I don't know what time it is in England. Oh, shit. Little Pink Floyd sparked that motherfuckin' joint. Lee, where's those jumping jacks? You ain't going to eat some metal balls? Let's see some jumping jacks, cock sucker. No, no, no. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday, San Jose, July 20th, fucking Philadelphia, helium. Oh, shit. Look at Lee looking good. He cut his hair. He's aerodynamic. Look at him. You bad motherfucker. I love you, Lee. I love you too, buddy. You fucked me up with no eatin' edible. I did eatin' edible. You ate dick, Lee. You killed me. I ate the bright amount for me, you motherfucker.

I'm going to get a word later. So when are you taking this chick on a date again? Tomorrow. You're going to give a snap. Are you going to show this to Minky? No. What? Put the music on. You're a depressed man, no. It's a second date, dude. It was probably my best first date. Really? I've been on it yet. And you just walked spit on it. Did you touch it to me? No. Boy, have a seat and put that on, please. You're depressed me already. Why am I depressing you? I'm not suffering. I'm just in. Look, I'm going to cut the set up and have my throat up in the air.

If it blows in your mouth like a seal, would you eat it? No, there's no way you can make that shot anyways. You actually probably wouldn't make that shot if I had my mouth open. I'll give you two tries. Why don't I get two tries? Can we cut another bone half? No. Kick this motherfucker, Lee. This motherfucker's on fire. Oh, shit. The band is just fantastic. Oh, shit. Ah, it's Monday. What the fuck you want? You want to walk around with a frown?

You're down. You're new in town. What the fuck? Get up. Get out there. Put your shoes on. Put nice socks on. Wash your pussy. Wash your dick. Feel good about yourself. You go out there. Even if it's an old shirt, I ain't it. I don't give a fuck. Button it to the top. Spray some fucking Febreze on it. Why smell like a fucking Jew in heat? Get out there. Get out there. Cut people off. Be alive today. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. I mean, fucking beautiful. And the sun ain't even out in California. I'm just telling you, it's beautiful in your fucking heart. It is. What are you going to do with this, bro? What's the story?

See, it was the first day you went on. You smoked a little spit. You went on the Ferris wheel. Did you get us some flowers? Did you want a teddy bear for? No, we didn't do any of that. So where are you taking it tomorrow? We're just going to go have lunch before I go to work. Come on. What are you taking? She lives down by Culver City area. And she has this Thai place she wants to take you to. Thai place? Yeah. Look at you. What can I say?

Sexy. Are you going to get with the juice tomorrow? No, fucking... Do you want to try? No, we'll have sex at a normal time. I have to go to work. What, do you want to fuck up my car in the middle of the day? Sure. I'm not a sexual deviant. Make, please listen to the rest of the 91 of these shows.

No, I already had a fucking... If I cut it in half, it's a good amount of animal. All right, let's do this. You land your floor on your back and I throw it two times. If I get it in your mouth, you gotta swallow it like a soldier or anything. I'm out. After the fart, you just did them out lying on the floor on my back. Anywhere around. Did you smell that fart all the way over there?

I didn't smell for that. No, because it went off the chair. Oh, it went right into the ceiling with the pot smoke. That's how I roll. I know how to point my asshole. Something I learned. What do you think you're dealing with here? I know how to point my asshole. You do.

I have no idea what you're saying, ever. I'm fucked up. Did I tell you that because I ate a couple of these? Yeah. I'm not like this fucking half of one. And you know what else I ate this morning? What else do you have? A fucking hemp force from Honnit.

This is my fucking favorite of all time. I eat those things two a day sometimes. I love fucking the hemp force. You said they were good. And my wife watched Tulu Plus this weekend. Oh, good. My wife is watching this. She's having a good time. So there you go.

Everybody's fucking watching. Even I'm watching. Everyone's watching it. And we told you a bunch of the shows, and I just wanted to show you guys and tell you all the devices they have on it. I have an iPhone. I'm just going to quickly show you. They have...

No, it's not everything that's online, but they have fucking everything on this. And I don't know if you can see that or not, but it's all the shows. It's freaking awesome. They have it on Android phones, Apple phones, PS3, Xbox, the Wii, Apple TV, fucking Nintendo DS is coming soon, Windows 8 phone, the Nook.

They have it everywhere. They have it on all the major TV brands, Samsung, Vizio, Sony, Sharp and LG, and Panasonic. They have it on everything. So go to joeyds.net. There's a banner. Go to huluplus.com slash Joey and get two free weeks. And it's just...

There's literally... You can watch it anywhere in the world that there's Wi-Fi. It's unbelievable. So, I mean, I love it. So... I love it too. My wife is very happy with it. So there you go.

Go to fucking Hulu Plus, all right? Cut this shit. Press Joey. Don't have to be big or small. Just press Joey. J-O-E-Y. If you don't watch Sesame Street, cocksucker. Go in there, whatever.

They want to borrow your car, whatever. Look at them, the fucking car. You get two free fucking weeks. And you move on with your life. You got Hulu Plus, all right? Who's better? Who else comes up on a fucking Monday and gives you dick? Nobody.

We give you dick. We give this fucking guy who... Chocolate chips, whatever. The thing. We give you a... 10 points off. There's no chocolate in this. Shut up, cocksucker.

Get your shit together. What do you got this weekly? So you're taking it on a date tomorrow. Yeah. If it works out tomorrow, when are you going to give a... Can we get an estimation? When are you going to dress up? A week?

You going to bring it back here? How's it look inside that fucking room? I'm scared to look. A little dirty? A little dirty. Yeah. What's it smell like in that bedroom? It smells like farts and olive oil.

I don't know. What do you want it to smell like? Do you want to have a lady come in and clean nice? I actually do need to have my place clean. Excuse me? I have to have my place clean. So you're going to go in that bedroom and take the sheets off? Because I know you have to take the sheets that you moved in there.

Yes, I have. Ten gallons of sperm. There's dead kids in your mattress, cunt sucker. Did you know that? You just whack off and go to bed. And you don't whack off? I whack off, but in the air. What do you mean in the air?

It goes in the air. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. You're so old it just evaporates? It just evaporates. Look, what are you talking about? I eat edibles. It makes it light.

Like it's humidity. You just had a kid. You're in there whacking off on that fucking mattress. There's no spirits. I'm surprised you're sleeping there with all the ghost fucking haunting you in there. In that fucking mattress. You're here in there.

You hear like Christmas carols. They sing at you, you know, whatever. Like the London's Angels sing. Whatever the fuck this song is. What a fun. From now on, I'll sit at this desk. I'll sit at this desk. I'll sit at both sides of the desk

and I'll jack off in here for you. Don't jack off in here. Don't jack off together. You should. So what's the story with Ashley? You're still in love with her. You're going to suffer for her. Is it over?

We've been friends for about two months. You've been friends for about two months. Jesus Christ. Here we go. Everybody wants to be fucking... Everybody wants. You're so fucked up on the end of the week. You don't even know what you're saying anymore.

You're not fucked up ever. You want to be. You call the team with you every kind of chocolate. It's chocolate chip. It's chocolate mousse. It's every time Jimmy says this is every kind of chocolate. So you're friends with this brood now? Who? Ashley?

Yeah, we haven't seen that in a few weeks, but yeah. They coming over this weekend. No, I'm going to be with you in fucking San Jose. You're sure? I don't know. You don't need to set up by the end of the fuck. I bought the plane ticket. What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? That don't mean nothing. I'll call Southwest right now and tell him you're fucking... What are you going to tell Southwest? Yeah, you're just going to show up with anti-terrorist information and shit. You're going to show up with anti-terrorist information and shit. You're fucking an anti-terrorist coalition. Get it together, cocksucker.

Me, get it together. So what are you going to do? You're coming up. You're going to eat everything they give you. I'll have fun in 10 hours. I'm having fun now. I'm just going to eat a whole fucking edible at 6 in the morning. It's 6 in the morning.

Eat the fucking edible and cut it out before you go and stop coughing. What's up? You make out with the girls and you come here and cough and drink from my neck. No, I choked on some water. That's nowhere near your neck. How do you choke on water? How the fuck do you choke? What do you mean how do you choke on water?

You choke. You go down the wrong pipe because someone's in the room with you saying you don't want to smell like a Jew in heat. You say something funny, I laugh. It's... What is... Complain about everything. I'm saying this fucking guy.

You can't... I think I'm out of the fucking... Disagree with me. Go watch the episode of the community. You're upsetting me already, all right? I'm upsetting you. Come on, team. I'm gonna throw this fucking knife at you.

Anyone want to take over for me? I'm a 50-year-old comedian. If you fucking didn't have... Keep a guy coming to your house at 6 in the morning. If you fucking didn't have insurance, I'd stab you. Come on, son. If you're looking at young guy insurance because of my way of thinking. I have insurance.

Go for it, yeah. Really? I didn't tell him 26, yeah. Stand against the star over there. I'm gonna... Let me just hold the tube between your mouth. Let me throw a knife at you to see if I can get it right over your fucking stomach to head. So why am I holding the tube to my mouth if you're gonna throw it over my head?

What are you talking about? Lee. Put your head in the fucking counter, will you? This is what I got to deal with people. This is what I got to deal with. What are you gonna deal with? That's why I'm happy. He didn't do a thing.

So we had a nice little conversation with Mick today. We talked about the weekend. We talked about a lot of interesting fucking shit today. You know, Mick, again, it all goes back to fear and doing what the fuck you want. Don't just sit there with your finger up your ass. Go for it. Look at Lee. He's out there dating.

That's why I love Lee. You've been swimming? No, I haven't been. What the fuck? You're looking sharp, though. I'm trying. You're looking juicy and your titties strong. I'm not.

I'm not juicing. I've been eating healthy. What are you gonna do with the juicer? I'm gonna keep it up. We're gonna do my favorite foods. So I'm gonna do it starting after July 4th. Did you go down there yet? No, no, good.

Because I want to wait until the food, huh? What are you waiting for? I'm waiting for July 4th. I have to go with you to San Jose. And if I try to eat healthier juice in San Jose, you'd be like, dog, we're in San Jose. You've been talking about the steakhouse for 18 months. You ain't going no steakhouse.

You're eating at the fucking hotel. Good. There ain't no bad mashed potatoes. Where's the juicer? It's in the kitchen. I'm gonna bring it in here. You can't do it. What do you want?

I don't have the stuff to do with it. Why don't you juice live one day for these people and show them what you drink? Fine. And make the kale and the olives and all this shit. Olives, that'd be so disgusting. What do you put in there? Cucumbers?

Kale, cucumbers, broccoli, carrots, celery, apples, grapes. You miss it? No. I mean, I like the how quickly you let it. Did you break down and go to Taco Bell? Tell me the truth. I didn't. You're looking all guilty.

I can smell fast food in here. You can't smell fast food, you fucking liar. I swear to God, I smelled it when I walked in. You want a pizza here from Junior? Junior what? Pizza, pizza. What's his name? Oh, Little Caesar.

Did you go see Little Caesar already? No. Two for $5. Yes, you did. Two for $5. No, I didn't. I'm good. I mean.

I'm proud of you. You're fucking sad. I've been trying. You look good. You look healthy. You know what I had to do? Yeah, I'm fucking up. You're sharp.

You're dainty. Wasn't my hair forever. And you dumped the other chick. You got like six fucks. How many chicks you got on the string? I got one. That's it. You got like one last week.

You got rid of it. She didn't want to go to movies. The one with the week before that didn't want to like get nuts. The week before that was Chinese. So who's Chinese? She plays the drums in a band. The other one every week.

You got a different one. What happened? This, I've been talking. You told Ashley it's over. I didn't cheat. We talked, there was like three months ago this happened. What are you talking about? One fucking three months ago.

It was two months ago. You just professed your love to have three weeks ago. I didn't profess my love. I told her I liked her about two or three months ago. No, no, no, no. You professed your love. I didn't profess my love. You told her you loved her.

I told her I'll get her on the phone. I didn't say I loved her. You fucking piece of shit. Get the collar up. Get the collar up. No, I'm not calling her up right now. Fuck it. I didn't profess my love.

It gets bigger and bigger. Every fucking time you bring it up, you drop the marry her. You said you wanted to get her pregnant. No. Then yeah, oh, look, if you would tackle her on the couch. I'm not tackling anybody on the couch.

Like I told you right now, you would have had a snake finger. She would have fucking hated you. And you would have had to go to Northridge and sit there with her and the Chinese chick and talk about fucking an episode of fucking community. You understand me? I'm just trying to help you out here.

I love you. I love you. Yo, yeah, fuck it. I feel like the only reason you do the podcast now is to make fun of me and then. Who makes funny? I'm here with you. I'm fucking trying to help you.

And then the people thing, the thing that people are listening don't see is for the past like four weeks, every time we leave or stoned out of our mind. And he just, he tricks me and he rubs my head and he laughs all the way down the elevator here and walking to the door giggling to himself. Because I go like this to his head

and he fucking freaks out. And he goes, he's high and he can't handle it. He like fucking freaks out. He's leisurely. How much do I love you? God, I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna get fucking big uncle. You have no uncles. You have the one uncle and boss

and that thinks that, you know, you don't want to do nothing. What? Get that one uncle and boss. I have a couple of uncles. In the time where there's one you get along with. Oh yeah. I'm like, yeah, the one who called one day when we were together.

Yeah. You don't tell him that you eat ass and nothing like that. You can't be honest with me. No, he's fucking like 65 years old. I'm not calling him up telling him I eat ass. Fucking. So let me ask you this, but I'm your big uncle. I taught, you know, I'm leading you down the right street.

You know, you're not. You're leading me down in parallel to the right street. I'm leading you. You know, if there's a bad area town and there's a good area town, you're one street into the bad area town. Stay in the good area, right? I'm in the good area.

Like go right on the right in the middle. We're gonna get some metables. We're gonna go to San Jose. Let's do jumping jacks. Let's do it. We're gonna go to the gym and lift and fucking do the treadmill together. I love it.

So bring your iPod. Yeah. All right. I got my iPhone. We're gonna have a good time. I like Lee. Lee, I bust your balls. Lee, but I love you.

I love you too. Finish that. But where's the... No, I'm not finishing a fucking... Come on, eat the other one. It's fucking 8 o'clock. You're going to bed. That's it.

It's over. You're still crying. It's over. I'm not crying. You made it. You made the fucking hour and a half and you're still fucking sitting there crying. I'm not crying.

I love it. I love this whole podcasting thing. I love it because we can... We share this shit for an hour. Where else can you eat marijuana? Good morning, America. Suck my dick. You know what I'm saying?

Three chicks talking about what? Some fucking city that... They had hot dogs on the weekend. Who gives a fuck? We're here in LA. 69 degree weather. It's a Monday. Listen to music.

It's over, bitches. Hulu plus. Mad flavor. I love you, cocksuckers. In the bottom of my heart. Lee, throw in my kiss. You got some music for these fucking people? What do you...

Do you want to do some more of Black Sabbath or something? Or do you want to do something else? Keep that pain floor. A little fucking... Keep that fucking pain floor. Bring that beat back. Bring that beat back. Okay.

The one we had. I know. Fucking give me two seconds. Jesus, you know what I'm saying? This is what I'm talking about. Lee, live this shit. Doesn't this want to make you love? Listen.

I want to thank you guys for getting up and watching it live. I want to thank you guys for downloading it. You know we love you, though. There ain't no bullshit here. We say it's true. Get out. Daring at me. Eat it, Lee.

There's no one off camera. I'm going to fucking stab you, you know? You're not going to stab me. You're going to go around on my head. I'm going to go for 22 minutes. Oh, shit. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus and start watching your favorite hit shows right now.

Go to our show homepage, joeyds.net, and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial. Or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, the banner at joeyds.net. Or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Cocks or Coaches, motherfuckers. Enjoy your Monday. And what are you going to say?

I don't know. You're going to say nothing. You know I love them. Have a great day, people. Be safe, stay black, and be you. Stay. And if we're tailed by never paying for it, we're going to ride in the gravy train.