Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #064 - ARI SHAFFIR | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Wednesday, May 12th..... Today we talked with our good friend, Ari Shaffir..... This episode is brought to you by Onnit & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.Onnit.com PROMO CODE: CHURCH Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #AriShaffir Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on IG: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here? It's Wednesday the 11th of May Greetings from podcast villas uncle Joey's joint is brought to you by on it. Listen Whether it's shroom tech alpha brain shroom tech sports shrooms tech immune the protein bites on it has it all the CMT Oil on it has it all you understand me. I love them. I've been with them for 10 years I go on alpha brain fucking cycles like people go on Steroid cycles. I'm always on the shroom tech sport when I go to the gym to give me a little extra fucking boost If you don't like pills, they got alpha brain in a powder form. You could put it in your shaker

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You You You What's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Wednesday May 11th welcome Uncle Joey's joint. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive You know, it's been a weird week, but not really Hopefully the NFTs get put up today on patreon. So that's a fucking good thing NFTs like electronic art a lot of people into them. I don't know much about them

I know that I was getting tortured for a few weeks if I was gonna do NFTs and my agent called with an NFT guys So I said fucking let's put it together a little something for the fucking patreon people, you know, you got to take care of your people And I want to talk to you people about some about I want to talk to you people about something today. That's been On my mind lately. I was talking to my neighbor the other day and he was Talking about this period of time that we've gone through, you know And it was weird like I was fucked up like everybody else March April May June July had my ups and my downs You know how to make decisions, but a decision that came to me July 12th The day that they said they weren't gonna reopen the schools. I had to make a decision on what to do with my daughter

And I was like fuck it. She's going to school. So I got to move I didn't know where I was gonna move, but there was another decision I made on July 12th And this is goes back to journaling and it goes back to all these things that I do To be a better me and that's checking yourself from time to time You have to be honest enough to look at yourself in the mirror and go What are the areas I need fucking help with like what the fuck is going on with my life? Like I didn't want to move to New Jersey and bring luggage You know, I was on Rogan one time and he asked me about how I got funny like I went from

Being a mediocre comic to a good comic in 98 and I explained to him that we lose luggage as we as we get older you learn how to deal with personal conflicts and You eliminate them and it makes you better Whether it's addictions, you know, I became better as I was giving things up, you know I always knew I wasn't gonna give up reefer and when I was doing coke I was committed to cocaine. I mean, I'm not gonna lie to nobody I was committed to cocaine because I knew I wasn't gonna quit But I was also committed to quitting when it came time to quit and I got better from it

So as a human being you have to look at yourself from time to time and go. I'm a fucking piece of shit like I did I'm slipping in all these areas and nothing was more evident to me was when I did something I fucking I'm totally against and that's watching myself Right before we moved one day. I go if I start a podcast What do I want the next podcast to be if I do start that and I turned on the church And I saw myself with a fucking white t-shirt on and I realized that right there. I had been slipping You're not supposed to wear fucking t-shirts as a t-shirt Right there like my mind right there. Like just those little things made me knew made me know

That my mind wasn't right at that time I don't know if it was the fucking the edibles I was taking the fucking amount of reefer I was taking what I was going through the podcast Going on the road. I don't know what had happened But I knew one thing that I had let myself go in a lot of little areas If you look at me today, I could tell you one thing. I gave up butter. I Only one piece of toast for breakfast wheat toast and I put butter on it and I put butter on mashed potato You know, I put butter on corn. I eliminated butter from my life

So I lost 30 fucking pounds. That's what you mean to tell me because I live and I was eating that much butter I wasn't but there were all these things that I had to stop doing You know, listen, I got problems I'm always gonna be doing some type of fucking something So instead of doing the edibles in the daytime. I moved them tonight to sleep That was a big step right there me not doing edibles at all from the daytime You guys know me from all the way in fucking September. I wanted to improve on my sleep I wanted my body to get stronger, you know, I had the fucking surgery out of nowhere

I decided on the surgery in December, you know, like a bionic fucking man My goal every day during this pandemic was to come out of it I knew was eventually gonna end but what position was I gonna be in when it ended? I know right now. There's people that are drinking three times the amount they were drinking Before the pandemic because they started drinking earlier now They started drinking at 1 o'clock 12 o'clock 11 o'clock because their day was gone. They collect on employment. They got no fucking job They got no screen to look at I'm not mad at you. I'm not hating on anybody. I'm just talking about the truth here So I wanted to come out of this a lot better than I went into it

You know I'm saying like that was my goal once I realized that I was fucking up for so long, you know Quentin the reefer was not in my plan at all that That was not my plan. I could show you the fucking change manifesto. I wrote and reefer was not in my plan What was in my plan was to cut down a little bit? I felt that I was smoking a little too much I felt that I was smoking in the daytime and I felt that I was carrying over into my family life And that's why I had a fucking stop like right now. I would love to smoke a joint It's my fucking basement weed is legal in Jersey, but I'm disrespecting my daughter. This is her house also three people live in this house This is not just my house

Three people live in this house and I had to make a constant. I had to make a decision about that I didn't want to smoke anymore in the house. You know, you got to go outside Down the road. There's a little fucking parking lot that you could smoke your brains out. There's no cops there Nobody will say nothing to you. It's just a short drive up and if the cops come I could walk from You know, but these are all little decisions that I made to be a better person. I improved on my journaling I worked on me being a better husband because I'll tell you what this pandemic when I found out That we were gonna be stuck in the house You know instead of becoming her enemy. I became her friend

So out of this out of this fucking pandemic I became a way better husband a way better fucking father You know, I got sick and tired of calling on Saturday mornings And my daughter's with her friends and my wife is with her friends and my friends And I'm in some fucking hotel room in fucking Kansas City playing tittle winks, you know That's not what I want to do. So when I do go on the road, it's gonna probably be one-offs You know, I'll do a Friday theater somewhere a Thursday theater somewhere. It's not gonna be I can't keep Fucking up my Saturdays from my daughter during the week. It's one thing during the week She's got school and you know, my my rule in my house has always been Monday through Friday do whatever the fuck you want

Saturday and Sunday you got a commitment to your fucking family, you know, so that's been my whole thing Sister beginning eventually I have a plan and my plan is this to quit smoking for so long That when I start smoking again, I'll just start smoking at night And I'll get so far. I'm gonna go back to 14 milligram weed I'm gonna try to get 40 14 percent weed and start from there and work myself up. That's how you do That's how you do it. You get your tolerance back I did this in 89 90 when I was in a halfway house I would roll a joint and just take one little hit and get fucking

Blast it. I would get fucking Blast it So this is what my goal is again. So for you fucking top-heavy-duty guys Uncle Joe is just taking a breather unbeknownst to me and unbeknownst to you We have a little zoom guest today. I know you guys some of you don't like it Some of yous don't give a fuck and some of yous like Joey We love what you're doing and I appreciate it. This is the only way to do it now and until we move This is the this is the new standard

A lot of people don't want to do face-to-face. So what do you want me to fucking tell you? I'm here face-to-face with you cock suckers twice a week. That's all you fucking need But without further ado my brother mr. Ari Shafir What's going on cock sucker sorry dude, yeah What the fuck is that behind you what are you fucking ground zero or some shit? Yeah, I'm rebuilding it So when people can knock it down again What's happening brother? How are you? I'm great summer time in New York. How long have you been back for? Two and a half weeks three weeks. Thanks so far

It's overwhelming I got called an asshole my second day here by who But I was making a right on red. I forgot I've been in different countries making a right on red fucking asshole It was it was three lanes over and I'm like Sorry calm down my dog would cut off somebody jogging. She's like come on your fucking jogging asshole Different fucking city isn't it? Oh my god Six months made a fucking difference that pandemic fucking killed that New York City. I

Was there three weeks ago? I was in shock. You were why you had to go into daytime and I was blown the fuck away There was nobody there. Oh, no time square is fucking empty That's all the homeless had to move down to the fucking east village. There's nobody there nobody in the city fucking You know 11 in the morning. I left the fucking North Bergen at 1015 and I got to 40th Street between 156th Avenue at 1030 zero traffic zero traffic I smoked a number. There was nobody on the street Yeah, you know the Chipotle was open. I went in there to get like a mix You know, I do the beans and rice sometimes after first mistake during New York City

You're getting Chipotle. How dare there was nothing else Open there was nothing else on the block. Trust me. I'm not a Chipotle guy at all Yeah, if I'm gonna pinch the black beans and white rice aren't that bad. I get the bed I don't need to meet or nothing. I ate it the last time I was in New York Because I was staying on 33rd and 3rd and there was nothing open at night in that area So that's why I moved out of that whole fucking hotel because I had to go to Chipotle the one night. It was good It was good that night. I'm like the black beans and rice are good. Then I went to California I went to the movies one day and I go. I'll eat at Chipotle. I had to throw the fucking thing away

It was so goddamn bad But if I'm gonna pinch And there's and there's no bodega's open and nothing like that. I got a hit fucking I got a hit fucking Chipotle if I'm gonna pinch. Trust me. I don't want to do it either But you got to do what you got to fucking do What else is going on with you you doing stand up look good? Yeah, man. I had to change it all up I had to change my life all around I

Wanted to lose weight just for personal reasons Just I want to lose weight. I want to change my diet up. I Changed the lifting up like I told you I haven't smoked pot in a week Just because I would never even imagine That Joey Diaz couldn't smoke pot. I wouldn't even do a 420 fucking podcast because it was like I'm lying to him If I do a 420, I haven't eaten an edible in the daytime since October Do one of my favorite memories is you at the improv in Hollywood and you stole the crowd you're like, yeah, I'd stop smoking weed and they all were like what they're like boo

You're like, oh, I still vape and do edibles And they were like, oh, all right I misunderstood Yeah, no, I still take my edibles to go to sleep at night last night my fucking I laid down my heart was beating up a storm I'm like, what the fuck was in this edible? I took like three 200 milligram capsules and I fucking took like the tea and Two gummies that are edible here. I'm killing me. Why I didn't get used to six months I haven't had any regular edibles and the weed they have is all dipped in acid So it's fucking did it's not as strong, but it's more psychedelic where so I was just here and it's like

Ecuador the weed is an acid a lot of it. Yeah Acid there. Yeah, they love acid. I'll just give it a little sprinkle When you get fucking, what do you see? What kind of devil do you see when you smoke a joint like lines? I was I was smoking in the Amazon and I was staring out It's a sunset all the birds coming out. I just see these lines in the fucking and I'm like, what the fuck kind of I didn't figure it out for a month and somebody told me some locals like a lot of people dip their weed and acid here Probably what you got. I mean, I was just like visuals on on weed. Now. I'm like Maybe it's I'm like, no, I'm a fucking pothead. There's no weed. This is gonna be stronger than I've smoked

This didn't make any sense until they hit me with that acid info That's crazy. You miss that plane it. Yeah You're a world fucking traveler, man, you're a world fucking traveler. I can't I give you that props Right off the bat. You don't give a fuck where you go You want to go to Cuba everybody wants to go to fucking Cuba. They wouldn't let us in you know They were less than a hundred COVID cases there They fucking did it nobody talks about Cuba when it comes to COVID One person they fucking nailed it. They had the medication

They don't need no fucking stinking vaccine. They got a pill that you're home with in three fucking hours in Cuba Nobody got fucking COVID. They wouldn't let nobody into the island if you had it. You got shot. That's it. No spreading We're just shooting you. What do you want a cigarette or a cigar? Exactly, it's something there. You told me that like it's a thousand dollar ticket if you're caught without your mask $1,500 fine without a mask and by the way, they're a lot poorer than here So that's 1500 is like 10,000 here and people just like that. I'm not doing it. They'll throw you in jail That's what he did in Galapagos. Same shit. They pull a full lockdown at 4 p.m. You can't be outside. That's like what happened like one of our friends did like what happened like they were arrested

Let out the next day and they said if we catch you again, it's gonna be a week So it's like people just stop fucking with it there was a place Mexico at the Gnarcos were shooting people if you didn't have a mask if you didn't have a fucking mask You were getting shot that's fucking crazy You don't stand up You have to stand on Tuesday nights You're doing a fucking show. How do you feel? feel terrible

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. I mean I have so I'm okay. It's not that if I can risk make fun of a crowd member. That's okay What what's problem is there's three stages of stand-up right now. There's whatever I built in the last few months There's last summer Stuff, you know with the election and black lives matter and fucking who knows what you know COVID and then there's stuff I was doing before I feel like a fraud doing the shit from 16 months ago. I feel like what the fuck's wrong with you couldn't write anything. You're still doing that I feel like an asshole doing that even though if it's good material. I'm just like not yet

I can't do it yet. I'll get back to it but not yet What about the material from the special? done Finish that tour So that's it that you're like me. You don't want to use that material and that's it You're back after a while. I'll tell you what I didn't get on stage for seven months I got on stage like in September and it felt good for about four minutes Yeah, yeah, it felt good. I did ten minutes and it felt good for four minutes and then I

I started doing spots at Uncle Vinnie's who I love the club. I love Dino. I love everything about that place and The more I went down there Ari. Yeah, I felt the more a fraud Why because just like what you said the material was old Like I would sit at the computer here and Look at the old material and try to write new material and I would get down there and I'd forget the new material And I'd have to hit them with old material and I'd I'd feel like a fucking loser at the end of the night I Kept doing it and doing it and going Uncle Vinnie's and doing it

And I really wasn't happy with the work I was doing. I didn't yeah, especially over the summer You had like yeah massive election. You had black labs matter You had COVID you had this all this new stuff and you're still doing not you But I mean if someone's still doing like trap is crazy on 42nd, huh? The fuck are you talking about? Yeah, no, I wasn't in the moment. I didn't feel myself being in the moment Yeah, and then I had the knee surgery and I took a month off and I started doing Wednesdays again And then I tore my IT band It's still fucking hurts in my cast. No, what'd you do? What were you doing Duncan? You want me to tell you the truth?

Try to do a fucking windmill getting on stage. I Didn't know what I was doing and when I went to get on stage I got on stage with the right leg And I got to tell you something as soon as I stepped it was like a 12 inch step and I didn't realize it I felt the whole fucking bone in my leg rattle. I Felt everything rattling and I'm on stage. I got a pain pill in my pocket But I cannot take Well, I'm trying to do material with this fucking pain

That is gripping through my body And I went home and when I got home I went up the stairs my wife was gone that weekend and when I walked up the stairs I hurt my leg again, and I had to put ice on it and just lay down and it was shaking I didn't know what happened the next day was a little swollen and like later that week I went to the doctor and they told me you they did an x-ray and they go you ripped your IT muscle So they did like a little incision and put some stuff in there. It was painless. It was evasive But you know what it never really healed yet. The knee is healed

Dude, I heard people being rusty forget what to do on a stand I've never heard of someone forgetting how to get on to the stage when I got on to the stage I got on with my right foot. I forgot all about the surgery You know you're doing stand-up. You're excited. You know, you're not really you're not thinking about it now I look at every fucking step I take I'm worse than fucking sting I look at every fucking step I take every step I take look at my fucking feet But that night I fucked up my leg I went to the doctor and she told me I tore it and she goes just stay off it

So I'm gonna catch 22 Because you got to go to the gym and ride the bike to maneuver your knee and you got to use the IT muscle So the more I build it I rip it to follow a week again with the exercise So it's just fucking killing me like I have I'm lying to you. It's not killing me right now. I know And I go ah Like I stepped wrong like yesterday I went to my daughter's softball practice And when I got up off the bleachers one time I put my leg here too far and I could feel

What are we gonna cheer? I don't fucking cheer am I cheerly? I just sit there with my mouth shut. You can't say nothing because they'll throw you out of the league Last you got to bring the old school in you got to bring the old school cheering like you didn't sound like fever We were like, don't let that stick strike you out I Last week the coach got into an argument with the ump and my old Joe Diaz came in and I'm like hump you suck And one of the parents like don't say that they won't let you on the field You won't be a lot in the field no more. You can't say that

Just ran the fuck away and the coach said something to me two nights ago at practice He goes hey the reason why I was mad at that ump. I fucking email people afterward and they're gonna they told me the ump was wrong So the ump had to apologize to me So I kind of felt shitty that I told the ump. He sucked because he did suck, you know, well whatever don't suck that By the way that thing you told me, you know, listen, we've watched a lot of movies during this pandemic I mean I've watched Thousands of fucking movies to the point where I can't watch another fucking movie But I did watch Saturday night you rewatch fever way before you said that joke to me the other day

Yeah, they called Ari. I go. What's going on? He goes nothing. I watch Saturday fever last night I didn't know there was so much rape in the movie. I go. Oh my god. That's right. That's a big rapey movie Just glance over the rapes. Yeah, no the rape was terrible. You know who the chick is they got raped She's Paris Pat Parisi's wife on the Sopranos No way really what's the Sopranos the mother Pat Parisi his wife? They only show to like season why you're crying when I do it. You didn't cry when he was Yeah, oh That is the most disturbing fucking movie in the world. All those 70 creepy cocaine movies that beginning of last night I watched Papillon

Fuck Wow Wow, I sat here till 11 o'clock just fucking mesmerized trying to figure out who directed this movie Because it was like a Stanley Kubrick type movie. I don't know. I got so fucking Who is the rich guy was it got from the graduate the fucking Jew Dustin Hoffman. Yeah, yeah, he was tremendous the rich Glasses they bump into Julio from San Fernando's son when they get the Honduras and he fucking runs them out I mean the movie is fucking tremendous, but back to Saturday night live. I Don't think I think the 70s. I think I saw look first of all

There's never been a rape scene that I've seen but I don't feel fuck. I don't feel Feel creepy death wish is the worst rape scene Saturday night fever is another terrible rape scene. The worst rape scene is the movie with Jody Foster Thank you. They accuse when she's in the bar in Boston. That was tough Difficult anytime it's not we want to end just like come on You're like why do I have to fucking watch this shit? This is death hunts rape scene Destroyed me when I was a kid because I saw the movie theater all the The rape scene and death wish with Jeff Goldblum and

You know, I think it's Jeff Goldblum and the first one is fucking disturbing and I saw it as a kid And I remember thinking about my mother being at the bar going holy shit. This is my mother Like I'm gonna fucking kill somebody if this happens like this is not good So all those 70s movies that had that my word whenever I had whenever I in my head like if like if I don't know Let's say Ren is eating his wife or over his wife. I don't walk the dog real quick Anybody that I know that it's like they go outside It goes in my head. They start going like oh, I wonder if as soon as I start thinking rape I'm just I just in my head ago. Please just someone just murder them instead of that

Yeah, no, I don't Shit and those 70 movies date. They're a little bit on the graphic side. They're pretty sis has been on The last four nights and I didn't watch it. I'm like I've seen it too much Yeah, I got it prepared last time. I saw the fucking exorcist. I did mushrooms by mistake and went home I had like an ounce of mushrooms at the office and Lee kept telling me that the mushrooms tasted like shit and That they grow in shit. How can I eat them? And I'm like fucking me Everybody fucking mushrooms. You're the only person ever that's complained about them. I've been involved with mushrooms since

1983 in Colorado and Not one person has ever said to me They taste like shit, you know, there's people that say they don't taste good. They make it into a tea fuck off Shut the fuck up. It's good for you. That's like I got so fucking pissed on him one night But I took the biggest stem in the fucking bag and I go Lee don't taste like shit I just chewed the whole fucking thing All the way down swallowed it and then after the podcast I went to pee in the bathroom was purple and I'm like I got in the car I ran home

Big mistake and it was 10 to 11 when I got home. I go perfect I watch I witness news and calm down a little bit and go to bed at midnight And I scrolled, you know how you scroll to see what's coming on the exorcist was coming on It was 10 to 11. I go fucking. I watch the exorcist big mistake Yeah, big mistake. This is too real. That movie's too real. I lasted Maybe 22 minutes Yeah, I had to turn it off and run into the bedroom like a little girl and just put my head under the pillow

Then I realized I couldn't fall asleep because I didn't have to sleep apnea mask on I'm like, what the fuck is going on with my world? This is terrible Dude, were you legitimately scared of a horror movie? I watched kujo when I was still scared of dogs and tried to walk home three minutes Uh, am I front of a convalesce? There was a dog just barking in the way. I was like fuck this I went I took a 45 minutes around the neighborhood. So I just have to pass that dog I gotta tell you something. You just reminded me of a fucking tremendous movie. I haven't watched Kujo in 20 years. I tell you the movie sensation another one real. It's real. So it's like this could happen You know what's really good? What the book?

I read that book when I was locked up. Oh the kujo the book. Oh Very scary. I think I had a cover of a Of a something on the cover. What is it a dog a lion? What are they scared of a dog? Kujo's a dog. Yeah, it's a big thing for not the fucking there was a dog on the cover fucking scary. Shit That book fucked me up. That's a turn me out to Stephen King That's how I fell in love with Stephen King. That's one of his greatest fucking books I think that's what I liked him He's like that version of Stephen King is like the old wwf with hulk hogan and andre the giant all them and then how it changed

So Stephen King back then it's kujo carry You know Monkey tails or whatever the one with the monkey on the cover is a short story It's just like those and then they did like the watch tower or whatever the watcher and that was like a later thing I was looking for that book. I'm that book is do a read On writing by Stephen King. I don't know where the fuck it is. It's over there somewhere But it's do a read. That's a great book the story about carry How he wrote a he was a janitor in vermont at the time

It's a fucking janitor So for you people who are janitors at home, you got hope you got right Yeah, he was a janitor and he fucking was writing part time He didn't know where to start, you know, like any other fucking schmuck And he was writing a story about a girl who could move stuff With her mind telepathically And he wrote the beginning where she got her period and she didn't want it And he get up and he looked at himself

He looked at himself and he goes, what the fuck am I writing and he threw it away And his wife walked past looked in the garbage took the script out Read it and said, what the fuck did you throw this away for finish this? And that's carry wow Sometimes wives are fucking lifesavers that's right exactly what the fuck we don't listen to him because we're jerks But his wife told him to take it out and finish that fucking script You know what made that movie so good too that book so good is all the fucking christian undertones to it Because her mom sissy space act in that movie. I think it was her

Beautiful in that movie. She was yeah, but it was like you get under the stairs And it was weird like you're being held up by christianity while your wild other side is coming out just in this rageful And they hit it with that pig's blood bad move That was a bad fucking move That was a a pre a prequel to like when people knew jiu-jitsu, but they didn't look tough People like we could pick on carry. She can't do shit little scrawny bitch. What are you gonna do? Fuck their world You know, that's another movie that had a little bit of travolta in it

That was when travolta blew up Travolta was huge on saturday. I know I signed that live I walking home walking back kata So he was huge They lied to you. They told you travolta was in the movie and when you went to the movie the Travolta was only like in two scenes. What was he when he was one of the jocks, right? He's one of the guys that he was he busted the balls. He was the one chick's boyfriend That's right at the end. He dies when she's walking down the road And he's driving towards her and he goes i'm gonna hit her and he swerves and she gives her the

Yeah, and then he fucking goes off the cliff and shit He was only in it for maybe one or two scenes. They lied to you They lied to you You went down there to see john travolta. Little did they tell you he had three fucking lines in the movie So he was on fire as siren I fever. He was so fucking electric. He was got I always heard Tantino talking about him like bringing him out for uh for pulp fiction And he goes he was one of the biggest movie stars in terms of movie stars I'm the terms like draw but just in terms of how he took it by the screen

I was like, uh, yeah, I'll take your word for it, Tantino But then you see him and you're like god damn, you're so brash and fucking Oh, I would lick that guy's asshole in a movie like that And if you you know if you took me back there, I'd be like, look, we're here for whatever I can't do the impression I'd be like whatever you want us to hold not anymore. Not now. You can't now. He can't buy him now You gotta get a line Now you gotta fucking compete with him to give him a massage and shit like that for john travolta He loves those young masseuses his wife died. I mean he had he's had a rough go over his son passed

So my heart goes out to the travolta family I mean he's made you know the last people beat up on him lately because of his movie choices Probably the guy's wife died the guy's son died, you know God knows where his fucking mind is that give him a walk these guys to be at the top of their game forever They'd rather them just die at 45. You see deniro same shit where people are like, what is this? What is it? You know, and it's like dude, he's an old man Yeah, he ain't a 26 year old anymore like fucking. He's an old man. You're lucky. He's doing anything You know what the fucking grudge match premiere? He fell asleep

And he's passed the fuck out it was past his bedtime Eight o'clock and deniro's already in fucking bed. That's right. You went to the premiere with me His head was a little hat on maybe had a little hat on yeah I had he was fucking snoring he wasn't out a little he was That's how you could tell when you're in a bad movie when you pass out at your own fucking movie Once I saw he was asleep. I'm like, this is a bad fucking movie We're not gonna make any fucking money with this movie the movie The only good thing the only good thing is we left afterwards and we're taking a picture of the red carpet and big pussy was there

And that's where we took the picture the first time my phone is off out of respect for the movie It's gotta go on it takes three minutes to go on these fucking iPhones and he was like hurry up Maybe we're walking down the stairs That's how we bumped into puss. We were walking down the stairs all of us. It was like 200 people And I'm like, what are you doing here? He's like, what the fuck are you doing here? Finally I get to meet you Everybody tells me I look like you. I can't believe it's you It's like who's this joe deans you look like joe deans. I'm like, who the fuck is joe deans? It was so cool. It was so cool seeing you guys face to face. It was like

Wow, it was it was like fucking macho man and and hulk hogan turning around and just like just two powerhouses meeting each other So what are your plans now? What do you want to do now? What's your next move? What are you thinking? Go back in the road build a new hour You know, I start road road with my leftover shit and get on June 11th and 12th and Hartford and then and then some gigs in july and and then september hard I'll say that Listen, I like to go up on stage. I'll go up non-stop, but The travel that's gonna cut down

You know, I like doing stand up But I don't I can do it for 25 dollars here as much as I can do it for two grand, you know on a flight So it's like I'm doing some gigs But I'm taking august off to go get drunk with my friends the whole I love last summer in new york They do walk tails Do they fucking put a caprice on pouch full of margarita and said enjoy and you just walk around He's right next to a cop

This way And I'm like that way sir They're all scared of us now now you can smoke weed right in front of cops weed is legal in new york now for black people too It's fucking great And you smoke weed and drink in the streets and I'm like i'm doing that again I told all my friends take august off, you know, it's good for you We're gonna have a great time go to jones beach Have the fucking blast throw up in the street at fucking 6 p.m. Like a man

So i'm gonna do a lot more of that hanging out Enjoy myself and then september all hit it all hard again What do you think about the state of stand-up for right now for you? What do you think? I I think i'm gonna have more fun with it again because last whole tour I was trying to build a specific hour about Judaism and religion in general And now it's like those shackles come off I'm gonna have fun again. I remember I'm doing these shows with these young comics run and they're still creative They're still like i'm gonna try a character today or i'm gonna do this today and it's like oh, yeah

Just fun for fun sake So like do more of that do more like hey come eat me the stand. Let's do a little sketch instead of doing stand-up Let's have a fucking good time You know, come eat me the cello. Let's just fuck around. Let's pretend i'm a tailor remember i'm a dama rares What was this razor or arrow? I forget what's the name and it was a brand new open mic if you get flustered all the time you'd be like Hey, you guys ever take the bus sometimes that and somebody goes. Yeah, he goes You have to start over. Hey, you guys ever take the bus uh sometimes

It was just like it's so fun I don't know that's what I want to do. I want to have fun again. I want to have fun with travel I'm combining everything. I got two weeks in washington state spoke hand. It's a coma and I think september So o'neill's gonna open for me. Matt Edgar's gonna open for me out of me He gets gonna come meet me. Pete's gonna come meet me when we go camping in between It's a four-hour drive. So we're gonna start two hours go camping for four days and then fucking do the other shows I'm having fun. That's that's what i'm planning for stand-up Uh, you got you got to hold on to the good parts of this fucking covet, you know

Some people uh, it's so terrible, but i'm like, you know all these business folks. First of all A lot of those businesses fucking sucked. Let's all be honest ourselves And that guy delivered food cold late at night. You know, I hope you got a business Well, guess what you got your fucking wish So you got to hold on to the good parts and that's what i'm trying to do. Hold on to the good parts of covet You know, I want everybody over 70s dead already. I want this shit to be over with I see a light at the end of the tunnel like everybody else sees, you know um

I don't know what i'm gonna do with stand-up yet You know, I just had another call today for a book a publisher I've got like six chapters written. I got uh, jimmy florentine's cousin niece She's a writer. She's already an author. She's published So i've been working i've been working with her since january so, um I think that if we continue to do this the book will be out by fucking The book will be finished by november and out by february

Maybe march the latest because they want an audiobook also the company's meeting with So I got my hands full with that You know, the podcast is struggling. I don't give a fuck. I just I just like the idea of coming out and talking and giving my thoughts out whether they like it or not You know, we know the window, you know, you know the podcast window, you know the The entertainment world and you have to take advantage of it when the iron is hot And sometimes the iron gets cold, but you still got to do your fucking thing regardless Every day you got to push and that's what i'm doing, you know

I'm starting to think the fucking The interview podcast has kind of run its course. Yeah, I think the interview everybody's got one So you're not uncovering anybody's story. You just hear in the same stories Over and over again difference people start getting like autopilot a little bit, but it's just like It's headed back to either the morning zoo type podcasts Like uh legion of skanks or your mom's house or shit like that just like fun for fun's sake But even that it's like we didn't get into the speed radio hosts We were just doing it for a little bit. We're all stand-ups

So It's just like whatever once you're making enough to get by Maybe we'll have fun, you know, for me. I just wanted to get out of this funk The pandemic affected me weird like uh all the blues Got to stop reading the news dude I gave up in fucking July. Thank you for telling me, you know now, but I stopped last July before I moved But the damage was already done. Sure, you know, the damage is already done I figured out that I couldn't watch the news anymore. I haven't watched it at all. I don't I'm nothing nothing

Did I care less about politics or care less about anything else? I knew that, you know, you got to sit distance yourself. You got to weigh your mask That's what I knew. So that's what I did, you know, the only news you need is a weather report. Did you get vaccinated? Yeah, I got my one. I got my next one like in a week or so Yeah, I got vaccinated regardless of what people said. Listen, you're gonna need that card for a while to get into places They're gonna break your fucking board. You can't get in the Yankee stadium without the card. So I'm doing plus I heard there's a side effect it turns your dick bigger than it normally is Well, whatever the side effect is I really don't give a fuck. I just uh

Wanted to get this over with because I got sick and tired of getting the emails every three days You ate lunch at a place the waitress was contaminated No way really the coals and a fucking something and you got an email The wait the cashier had it and then it started at the comedy club where I was going and I was like, you know what? That's it. I can't take this. You know, I had I was taking so many tests. I had the guy like on a salary Fucking two months the guy told me no me or so much. Yeah Because I was going there so much the guys like this and Joey, I would just work with you You know, just give me like fucking 80 a test or whatever to pull out of your 90s coke

Nah, that shit's gone. It's No, because remember I had the nose surgery Uh-huh. That's the nose surgery and that's when they found the hidden treasures and the big Like I'm covered the tomb You know, you know, my doctor's name was I did the surgery doctor line That's a lie. That was his name. Dr. Line. I'm like, you're my perfect fucking doctor And he knew it too after the surgery. He's like, man, you had some weird stuff in there. I go, I know 27 years of doing blow you're gonna find half of his cousin. You're gonna find something that fucking schnaz

Look at the size of it now. I lost weight on my face. It's even bigger than ever I look like an angry jew now and shit That's right. That was good. Misha for having a big nose. What about Diaz? Fuck Yeah, this weight loss is uh It's been great. Listen, I I'm having a great time. All right. I gotta be out. Listen if you want me to tell you I was telling mike I missed the good people from la. I missed the gerry roaches and the steve somones

Yeah, and the people that just had no malice in their heart. I miss I I don't miss the desperation. I don't miss talking to foreign agents desperate there I don't miss that chatter You know a couple weeks ago a friend of mine called me and she's like, I think he would work well with these people They they manage a lot of podcast people The 10 minute call was brutal are really listening to him Just listening to the guy. I finally just hit fucking and And I text the guy and I said the phone call went down

Then he kept texting me back. When are we gonna meet? I don't want to meet. I don't want to see no, but You should hear them talking that hollywood way of talking just that hollywood way of talking. I'm done Like I've detox now to the point where I look at comics and I could tell what the fuck that problem was I could tell if their dad molested them If their uncle stuck a finger up their ass if they got beat up like now when I see a comic I'm like, oh this goes back to this like I'm so far away from that realm Of LA I got nothing against anybody. I still love the comedians. I loved I love It's just a la it's

Soured Normal good people got soured and it felt like they had to like do this Oh, I gotta go talk to that guy's a big guy. I think but this guy's your friend This guy's a fellow fucking Yankee fan. You'd rather talk to this guy But that guy's on a show like that's not you're not that guy You're not that person who would choose that over that and yet everyone felt like they had to it It got sick. It got really sick. You know, you remember when we first got to the store in 97 98 Yeah, 99 for me. It was a fucking rat hole. Nobody cared about anybody. There's nobody's doing shit. Nothing, but remember those older guys

Do you remember those older guys that hung out? Yeah, sure. I remember even then looking at those guys and going I don't want to become I don't want to become one of them Yeah, if there's anything I want out of comedy is I want to do comedy But I don't want to be one of those guys that's holding on to this place For fucking the last hurrah and listen, that wasn't my situation. That wasn't my case. I was very lucky At 58 that I walked out of the comedy store. I didn't walk out didn't Crawl out on my knees. I walked out like a fucking man. I'm very proud of that

But at the same time I put my 30 years in They they the comedy store was always a place for young comics to grow and they told when I started there The reason to get into the comedy store is to eventually get out of the comedy store To get out of the and then it became more popular and people stayed and stayed and stayed There was no like reforestation supposed to go 10 15 years get a sitcom get out Somebody knew it was two years in now seven years in now. They're great And they get a sitcom seven years later. Somebody else comes up. It was always that cycle people stayed But man, I I argue with people on this a lot to me that the heyday of the comedy store is not when you have line-ups of like

silverman david spade rogan Simmons the guy from texas Jim jeffrey, it's not that the heyday was a bunch of nobodies And then let's see if we can see some fucking older comic fucking somebody in the back You know, we have a little fucking makeshift casino where the bartenders aren't even fucking working. They're all they're gambling It's fucking dark degenerate. Shit. You might try to fuck a waitress after hours You can wait long enough and like it's just like that the heyday of the comedy store and now it's all fucking preppy

it's just like It's just lame. There's no danger there anymore. There was none. I still like I think it'll come back after all the stars left but like Man, once they lock the door once they lock that back door because like liability. It's like fuck this place changed Well, I'll tell you what I liked every phase of the comedy store. Yeah, you like it's not bad It's just not as good. I like well, you got to remember again I walked out of there with my own two feet in 2007 I didn't crawl out nobody threw me out. Nobody banned me. Yeah, I said one day that

If I started at I'll give you a name if I started at That Royal Oak comedy club. What's the name of the club and come Let's just say I started dr. Grins Okay, I start I let's say I started at uncle venice How long is my window at uncle venice from the time I get on stage To the time I become a headline. It's about seven years

and then he's gonna tell me that Then I had lined new years. I'll headline Thanksgiving I'll headline the 4th of july. I'll headline all those dates. Yeah, and after about two years of that Somebody has to come to you and say come here. All right. Listen, you've already Overstate you're welcomed by two years It's time to go to LA and show the boys what you got Yeah, I thought about the same thing when it came to the comedy store When all that shit was going down when I could feel

I felt the tide changing the same way I felt that like the reason why I left I felt something wasn't right. I took myself out of there within six minutes. There was a video rogan going off on carlos There were other videos other things happening there and next thing, you know The comedy store was done. I looked at it and I go I got to give it a breather Yeah, me too. I had to give it a breathe. I gave it a breather for Seven fucking years. I didn't step foot in there and I wasn't banned from there No, I mean I spent about two it was the same thing. I drove by on my way home You know, I lived like down the block

So I drove by and I was about to pull in It was after that time where they just like for whatever reason they decided to ban Joe rogan for for Whatever the shit is but like after that man see a step But we're like the height of the comedy world for about two days Todd glass like I had to run into I don't have internet where I was and it run to my manager's office just like watch that video So for two days everybody's talking about it and then they go we're banning Joe rogan I just felt disgusted by it for a minute. It wasn't even the decision. I just pulled in to come in and I go

I don't want to be here And I just kept driving went home Start going to the improv more Every time I drove by I mean I lived like literally a block and a half away. I just felt like For about two years and then I was like I didn't feel blech anymore and I went in um But you know, yeah, you took off longer than I did

Weird, I believe in giving things a break. I believe in not letting somebody come to you and tell you it's time to go Nobody should tell you it's time to go you You know what let it tell cal ripkin like did you got to move to third? We can't we can't you're not good anymore, dude. We respect you but like come on man. You already have the record I can't believe you threw cal ripkin in there cocksuck I love you cocksuck. I'm happy you took the time to do this today, man Yeah, and I'll be seeing you soon. I love you one of these nights I'll drop in the stand that fucking tuesday and see you

You're welcome. I got me jimmy's gonna come over florentine. So text him Down over where he's gonna come and see you at the stand on a tuesday if you wanted I told him you were doing that the outside patio. He said he'd go over and see you one of the nights Yeah, yeah, I'll tell it to him back. Then I'm back. I'm happy that you told me you feel weird on stage because man I felt like shit up there and usually when I hit the stage. I feel like a new man It's like the fountain of youth. It's fun though. It's fun to be nervous again. You're like, what do I say? I have my notebook. No, I wasn't even nervous. I wasn't even nervous Well, what that's what really got me because I usually have a little fear before I go on stage

You don't like that fear, but that's the fear that makes you kill on stage I wasn't getting that fear I wasn't getting that fear and I remembered that It took a break like he said towards the end of before the pandemic I was such on fire Like before the pandemic those fucking last 90 days. I was doing the best comedy I was ever doing in my life. I was going up there every night. I was fucking rocking

I saw you at town hall. You could fucking destroy that place I was fucking on a different level and just You know, I was in the middle of writing new material. I was writing new material in this pandemic hit I don't know. Listen, man, we change Just the fact that I haven't smoked pot in seven days That's gotta tell you something, you know, I I and I'm calling people That I'm dear friends with and going what could this be and the best answer I got was dean delray He said that maybe my body's not that stressed out anymore

And that's one thing that is real just getting that desperation those people away from you that detox from la That get that fucking bugs off me. I felt so much better. I'm sleeping better You know, I'm I'm just uh I'm mentally better all around so But I can't really write material till you're on stage because right you don't make you there's no like splatter flight So what you got to get on there bomb and then you're like, uh, sharing material So it's like you can't write until you're until you it's after you already needed it It's a it's a nutty thing. It's crazy. I've been doing what paul mooney said paul mooney always said to be a good writer

You have to be entertained at all times If you want to entertain you should go get entertained You know, so I picked a lot of music that was that was a positive During all I started playing guitar and I started playing the guitar and doing lessons and Every time I play the guitar I feel creative like when I start fucking around. I don't know what I'm doing When I'm doing the lesson. I'm uptight. I'm very rigid

But it's just like stand up. It's like doing material and improvising When you're doing material, you're very rigid. I found myself very rigid on stage for a while Because you were just like you were just like delivering lines and someone When somebody like listen There was a big difference in my In the way I looked at comedy over the years When I was working with rogan and had lining on my own those stupid clubs. I didn't really give a fuck What came out of my mouth the best special I did was uh

The first one. I don't even know what it's called like the first one I did with lee Because it was it's either you or the priest I love that special because it was written on the way down to brayer It was written in the car on the way You told me that one of this is not happening to me Did and it was the same thing where it was like and because people like how do you book people? I'm like depends if they prove it themselves or not You obviously prove it over and over again. So you tell that's a writer story and you're like aria

I don't want to tell us on stage Until I tell out on stage until we record it and I'm like dude do whatever you want I wouldn't allow that for most people you maybe j You know But but yeah, I don't want to fucking I don't want to go over this I want to be on the spot and so it's like then do it then do that and it was a fucking amazing It was amazing. You were so fucking in the moment That was that's big for me. Sometimes that's I my problem would stand up was I get caught up with the material

It's not about the material. It's what's going on inside. I have the moment So sometimes you might write something. It's two months old now. It's part of the special It's part of this fucking thing and it's like it's not even you anymore But you got to use the special you need the time blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah That's what I didn't like about comedy Like I told these people on the podcast I go. Do you guys want if you guys want? I'll just fucking charge you 40 bucks and fucking go on the road and go out there and talk shit for 40 minutes Even though

You're gonna pay 40 for two tickets. You're gonna pay for a babysitter and dinner I could be the biggest piece of shit in the world. I I'm a thief. I've done it before I just go up there and sing songs. I don't give a fuck. I'll do a whole monologue on the cuban missile crisis Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to do that. I want to give them I want to give them the best that I could be so when I'm ready And that pen starts fucking flowing And I start doing little guess sets because that's what I'm that's how the only way I'm gonna bring myself back You gotta do shows where people don't know you that's that's what separates you and a lot and me and it's some other people too

Where it's like it's a respect for the audience like guys. I could just go up here, but like I'd rather just not make any money No, I'd rather not make money on take your cash and not a really good show I don't want to leave and come to my hotel room and have somebody on twitter go. That was the worst fucking show I've ever seen Yeah, you didn't even try it up there. You didn't even fucking try so that's where I stand I love you cocksucker. I love you too, buddy. Don't forget about me. I'm on youtube now. My podcast is on youtube now finally Okay, so they let you back on they let me back on youtube. I maybe promise not to have Milo on ever again I said we'll see

Where the fuck is Milo Yiannopoulos? He's back. He's heterosexual. He's He's straight now and he was a sodomite and he apologizes for it. He says disgusting How the fuck do people that are gay just stop being gay one day like that chick from donny brasko She was eating out ellen's asshole for years while she was getting rolls And then one day she's like, I don't want to do movies no more. I'm gonna get a husband and get married What happened to your fucking time as a lesbian? What happened? What the fuck you weren't a weeblon? You know, you gotta be a weeblon before you get the way you're gonna go now. You're not a weeblon no more. What the fuck I love you cocksucker. Stay black

Okay, I'll be in touch. We'll talk about the other thing too. We'll surprise these cocksuckers. All right. All right, stay black Happy rasha shana You got it. I love it. My dad's love. Send him my love. I do All right, I hope you enjoyed my little tay-ta-tay with arie. You know me I'm like fucking sting every step I take now now. You got to be fucking careful I hope you enjoyed this little tay-ta-tay with arie. I had a great time seeing him Uh, don't forget if you're in new york city jersey area He's doing a fucking thing at the stand every tuesday night eight o'clock outside

If you're covet fucking scared at least you're outside It's the spring now in new york city So it's a fall time right now. Well, I got you. I want to talk and I want to thank our sponsors Our first sponsor as usual is on it. Don't forget to go to on it.com right now. They're having their semi-annual sale Codes do not exist. Their prices are so low that if you type in joey or church you get dick Just go to on it right now Read up on alpha brain shroom tech shroom tech sport shroom tech immune all the great products that they have CMT

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I want to thank honnet. I want to thank zip recruit. I want to thank cbd lion Don't forget. There's a great ufc card this week Fucking tremendous. I will highlight it. I will be on instagram on saturday night to give you who my picks are Draft kings as usual co joey. They'll take care. You're telling my sent you and without further notice I love you cocksuckers at all my heart. Thank you for watching. Thank you for being a part uncle joey's joint And don't forget the nft's come out tonight patreon. I love you cocksuckers at all my heart Stay black and have a great weekend You