Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #067 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Monday, May 24th..... This episode is brought to you by Manscaped..... Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY and enter PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% Off & Free Worldwide Shipping..... And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Co-Hosted & Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the 24th of May fucking Memorial Day weekend get ready to go listen bikinis are out you got your little bathing suits out you want to look good okay this fucking joint is brought to you by manscape and i'll tell you why i did it this way because if you need manscape it's this fucking week wake the kids call the neighbors tell them there's a public service announcement it's finally here the lawnmower four point all ready for the fucking you've been in seclusion for 15 months your balls your pussies must look like fucking fucking obamas cave whatever his fucking name is what was the guy's not i don't even know ben london's fucking caved there's bats down there you got dingleberries in your asshole

listen i ain't mad at you my area doesn't look that good for a while either nobody gives a fuck during a pandemic but it's time bikini season here summer season's here you got to show your fucking unit if you want to get your fucking stominkia sucked and the lawnmower 4.0 has the same advanced ceramic blade and skin safe technology that you know and love plus the 4.0 lets you set the length of your trim so if you want to shave above your dick but leave like a little trim around the circle of your helmet to play with you you know what i'm saying you got to trick him from trying to time you adjust the guard size from one all the way to four you fucking tilt the animals i love it though and now the spotlight is even better with the on and off switch and the 400 of

the 4000 k led not light now you can shave your wife's pussy in the dark tell me that's not a fucking turn on plus they got the new travel lock you can take your ball trimming show on the road check this motherfucker out oh yeah a little wireless fucking charging who's better than you get the lawnmower and more with the ultra smooth package this is completely different i'm giving you the crop shaver you know what that is i don't know no the crop shaver this isn't your average fucking razor this is a smaller thicker with a micro comb bar and three precision blades i'm also giving you the crop exfoliator it reduces buildup and ingrown hairs if you know what i mean you ever smell down there it smells like 10 dead milkshakes that's what it is it's built up and i'm giving

you the crop gel features four essential oils it's like a spa treatment every time you shave your nutsack and around your dick pole and like i told you we're introducing the crop shaver this isn't your average razor it's smaller and thicker with the micro comb and three precision blades oh my god wait till you shave your little friend's asshole you're gonna have a party if you want to get out there and sling dick and swing dick and get your dick sucked and your pussy eating get the ultra smooth package and the lawnmower the new lawnmower 4.0 today by going to manscape.com slash showy again manscape.com slash showy that's 20 off and free worldwide shipping by going to manscape.com slash showy manscape use the right tools for the motherfucking job it's time

okay go to manscape.com right now press and joey and shave those fucking ball sacks and that fucking dick pole yours cock suckers and now it's time for the show it's just manscape today i thought it was important check one two welcome to uncle joey's joint so what's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here it's Monday the 24th that's it Memorial Day weekend coming up you motherfuckers are excited I'm gonna go to the beach during the week because I know I won't be able to go down there

next weekend see on the fucking weekends especially this year people aren't gonna fucking travel so like I've been hearing reports about people paying for houses down the shore amounts that are fucking or rental properties like Jim Florentine on his block has a lady three kids she said the offer they made her on her house for June would take care of her for the summer so she fucking rented it out you know people doing that people don't want to fucking get on planes and they just want to stay local but this week I want to talk to you about something because we've all all of us half years that are watching this

so listening at home have experienced this at one point or another in your life you've gotten a job and you've gone in there enthusiastically you really wanted to make this work and after a few weeks of being there you get to meet people you get to see different people what they're doing and you realize that the guy that's above you is a fucking dick I'm not mean like a dick like he just has like a different attitude to what you are thinking this job is and your first reaction is my first reaction will quit will quit that's it will quit I'm looking for another fucking job I don't need a guy I'm working

with to be a dick or a boss of mine to be a dick we've all gotten through this but in time you fucking you know you could either do what Joey Diaz did for years and quit or get to know what makes this person tick you know when I was younger I had no disrespect I had no respect and I didn't a job to me was something I did just to make money I didn't really give a fuck about you I didn't give a fuck about your time clock I didn't give a fuck of your business burned it was bad enough that I had to be here you know I'm saying that shitty young attitude you get when you're young it's just bad enough I got to be here

now I got to deal with this guy he's ten maybe 15 years older than you and he's kind of a dick but you don't understand the dick that is it's not like he calls your names or Joe you're fed fuck you lazy I'm not lazy I've always worked hard it's just he had this air of attitude to him and it takes a while and one day you know maybe eight months in when you are ready to quit and you want to pussy out like you do on everything like me you know something happens the switch goes off and you say you know what if I can't beat him I join him and something happens and next thing you know on a level of your performance as an

employee you take it from one level to the next because this guy kind of took you under his wing but not really and he was brutally honest with you but we and when I say you I'm including myself Joey in this we were too fucking jerk jerk offish to understand what that person was actually trying to do to me and I've had I mean ten situation when I worked the last one electric the guy was a dick to me at first and next thing you know I'm doing houses by myself he's trusting me to wire houses by myself I'm doing comedy I'm doing comedy I'm doing electric electric three months and I'm already a residential Wyoming he's

letting me do this even though I had a problem with this yes I had a problem with the main supervisor who ended up beating up with a stick and he had to leave town that's a complete different story that was practice for something else I was doing but the guy I was banging heads with taught me how to be a fucking electrician like he took me and he this is how it needs to be done and you got to cut it this way even though you don't like it you know sometimes we let our own laziness and our own kind of thing get into listen it's done it there's a right way and there's a wrong way to doing it you could

do it the wrong way and you're gonna have to go back or you could do it the right way okay so it happened to me with economics when I was going to the University of Colorado I could not put economics together I applied for a tutor because I got two free hours a week per class for tutoring being part of the CUOOD whatever was CUOP program which is basically if you're Latino or minority you go in there you breathe and they give you a C plus which does nothing for the minority either but I did it because they gave me money or whatever but I applied for this tutor and his name you ready his name was

Mohammed Zabeeb when I got the fucking note that you know Mohammed Zabeeb now I had really never had contact with somebody from Arab or wherever he was from Egypt whatever all I knew was his name was Mohammed Zabeeb and I felt uncomfortable you know it's nineteen fucking 87 guys you know give me a fucking break I'm 27 years old or something I'm a fucking idiot 24 something like that I'm a fucking idiot and I get this guy to help me and the first six fucking things it just didn't work out for me with him like I didn't really think I liked him whatever I wasn't prejudiced I just didn't know what way

he was coming from and guess what I got a fucking B on my test and I fucking sucked the guy's dick you know I'm saying I didn't suck his dick but I got a B I was getting fucking C's and all of a sudden this guy gets me a B fucking plus with his help and his kindness I think it was macroeconomics I don't remember it was just a class I was having problems with and he lifted me and after that I would eat lunch with him we would meet once a week I applied for him to be like my fucking my like whatever attache whatever at the school another because they wanted you to have another minority to show you around I said I

wanted him and you know it's just the way it is in life that we go into something sometimes and we don't know and we we feel like quitting or this isn't for me or we feel like giving up and you know there's always that one person in your life and I've been fortunate enough to have 50 of those people in my life that's why I'm here when I went to sell cars that fucking didn't like it there's a guy Jim handy you know everything happens for a reason Jim handy sat me down he goes what's the problem I finally you know overcame my bullshit and I let him know what was going on he goes all right we're gonna

start simple we're gonna start with how many cars do you want to sell a month I want to sell 10 cars a month okay how do you need to do that you need to talk to four people a day you need to send letters you need to make calls you know and even though I didn't like his program guess what when I started doing this program I became successful I went from you know being an average car salesman to being a monster fucking car salesman and retaining gross and adding value to the product I was selling I learned so much from him so I never really didn't like Jim I just thought he was unconventional to me and that's what

we think when we see somebody successful that's doing something the right way and we're doing something half-assed we never want somebody to tell us that we're spinning our wheels are doing something half-assed God forbid God forbid somebody come up to you and go hey you're spinning your wheels people like me can never come up to you and say you're spinning your wheels I'm sure a lot of you people think maybe Joey's spinning his fucking wheels no I'm not trust me I'm telling you I spent my wheels for fucking years then I got into comedy comedy was a complete different fucking thing when I got into comedy in February

1st of 1991 I went in there as a doorman I kept my mouth shut and I watched I spoke when I was spoken to and my opinion didn't mean dick and I knew that going I knew nothing about comedy I took a three-hour stand-up comedy class and I fucking was a doorman if the comic would talk to me you know hey I want to come out to this song or whatever we would become friendly and they would ask questions and I'd say yeah I'm aspiring to be a comic is there any advice you could give me and you know 50% of them made stupid fucking comments to me 20% were like good good luck guy and the other 30 were kind of helpful which is

really nice but that's the that's what you have out there that's what you have out there helping you that's why you never know what direction to go to you know and I'm sure it's the same thing with fucking musicians you know you show up to your first open mic there's gonna be a guy that says you suck you don't want he's gonna give you all the reasons why you don't want to get into the music business because he didn't do it right because he didn't do it right he's gonna tell you he's gonna come and shit on your fucking hat and tell you why not to do it so you know I had Jim handy and then I got into stand-up comedy and the first

guy that spoke to me in stand-up comedy was a cat named Jimmy and bait a little Mexican dude still out there just opened up with Carlos couple nights ago and Pueblo you know him and I were neck and neck he got me into the game he fucking took me to different shows he forced me to go up on stage I mean he did a lot of things I'm very thankful for Jimmy till today I still talk to him on a weekly you know by fucking monthly thing but he was one of my first mentors in comedy then had Andy Payton who helped me when I say when I say mentors I don't want you guys to think you know what really bothered me about my last couple years

in LA doing the podcast was people thought I could save their lives like I could change their lives if I come on your podcast I could sell more tickets that if I go on Rogan's podcast I'll be an international start no you won't I got bad news for you know you want it's everything that you're doing around the Joey Diaz or the Joe Rogan or the Mark Marin or the Bill Burr podcast that's making it work I don't want you to ever think that you're sitting at home jerking off talking shit on the phone you're gonna stroll over do a podcast and your life is gonna change if that's what you really think you know get out of this

fucking business get out of his business get out of every fucking business because you're wrong you take people and you learn from them and you don't ask you don't ask you know it's not like you asked so my first real mentor and stand-up was a guy named Todd Jordan who had a conversation with Friday night a great conversation he didn't even know I had moved to Jersey and then he sent me an email after the conversation he goes I'm really proud of what you did he goes you were a good friend to yourself you got out of LA and now you want to raise your family he goes I saw the video you put up of your daughter in softball he

goes for some reason I thought it was California but now I make it made me like you even more because you didn't get caught up in the bush I go no when it was over it was time to go but he was my first mentor in the game and along the way then I went on triple runs and stuff like that and they were all negative headliners they're talking you out of fucking not doing comedy and telling you why it sucked and why the game sucks and how Mitzi sucks and this one sucks you know they're just negative people I didn't listen I just thought that I knew there was something else out there and in my mind at that time I thought I was

going to offer something different you know that that's all I want to do was offer something different I get to Seattle you know and uh I got I meet Josh Wolfe and I meet Brody and I meet Doug Stanhope and I meet Mitch Hedberg and again I didn't look at them as mentors I looked at them as colleagues there was no jealousy there was nothing involved we just ended up doing comedy I did have a mentor up there his name was Carl Wolmanhoven he ran the open mic on Mondays and Tuesdays and when you got off stage he would never critique you he would say things to you to make your act better do you understand me so that's

something a lot of people cannot handle is for somebody to tell you how to make your life better again we're going back to your job that job that you have at the printing place when you're cutting fucking whatever and the guy comes over and he goes one thing you're doing it great but can you do a little and all of a sudden you take an attitude in our minds we're like I was doing it right the first time you didn't trust me he said that to you for a reason he's not saying that to you to bust your balls or whatever you know when somebody's fucking with you but you know when somebody's trying to tell you something to make you better there's a big fucking difference it's a big fucking difference okay so up in Seattle I had Carl Wolmanhoven who

was great he was great to me he was great to josh wolf if you talk to josh wolf they're fucking brody we do a seance for brody from the fucking past we i'm thinking of doing a seance for brody just to hear a weak word positivus this whatever the fuck he's saying uh and you asked brody from the death he'll tell you none of us would have got to la without carl womanhoven he just made little adjustments and then what he did was he's brought his best friend rick dukeman who would come in another fucking tremendous comment gonna tremendous individual to come in and tweak us from time to time and talk to us about la so when I moved to la my mentor right there was rick dukeman I called rick every three or four days his wife would help me with fucking

questions I had about the business just I was just getting started I really had nobody to fucking bounce off I didn't know rogan I didn't know anybody once I became a regular at the store then I met Joe Rogan and at first it was you know he didn't smoke pot at then he was on news radio he was very uh rough you know and tumble um he saw something in me and we became friends we walked to pink dot and get sandwiches and one day I asked him out right if I come watch the taping a news radio he gave me his number and he goes call me I called him he called me right back I was living in the valley I remember I went to see news radio and I was blown away and and the rest was history but that time the comedy store it wasn't the best times in the comedy store when I arrived

to the comedy store in February of 97 it wasn't a good time up there they weren't selling seats it was a ship run by the inmates you know there was no management there was nothing mitzy sure was there she'd come down once or twice a week one of my all-time favorite talent coordinators of all time scott day was there he was very good to me very honest with me and I started doing spots at the store I'm doing spots at the store I'm doing spots at the store you know you get to the store and you think that you're hot shit and all of a sudden your first spot is at 1245 at night and who is that a beating on your fucking ego but you do what you need to do and you fucking move on with it okay this one on for maybe four or five fucking months 1245 1 a.m. then you move up to 1230 okay

oh shit I'm making things happen I'm at 1230 now you know what I'm saying and then goes a couple couple months and I go up to 1215 now I'm making fucking progress but there was only a problem that the man that went up at 12 o'clock every night I did not know he was even at the store when I was living in Seattle in 1995 I had already watched all the Rodney specials I had watched Delirious back and forth I studied it I studied Andrew Dice Clay I studied the day that comedy died I mean I just I was a fucking student of the game okay you know sort of now with the guitar you know every night I come in here I do my little practice and that my my coach gives me and then I'll put an album on and it'll be a disaster but at least I'm learning different sounds and whatever you know

and that's the most important thing you know and I knew this I knew this I wanted to be a comic more than anything in the world I didn't want to be a comedian I didn't want to be a criminal anymore I didn't want to be an addict I really really thought the comedy would fucking save me so when Mitzi Shaw made me a regular I did everything I could to be there learn and fucking absorb and just I was such I was so grateful that she made me a regular I cannot describe to you how I wanted to repay her it was like my mother how my mother wanted my mother wanted to repay this country for taking her by throwing me into the army my mother was willing to throw me into war to pay back her debt to the United States of America for taking her in

after that shit went down in Cuba that that was her state of mind at the time my state of mind was Mitzi Shaw let me in here I have to fucking do something with this I cannot go back to Colorado a loser I cannot go back to Jersey a loser I'm gonna give it everything I can but then I bumped into a guy by the name of Don Marrera and Don Marrera was a fucking star Don Marrera was a fucking natural Philly comic you know and I learned of him watching the Rodney Dangerfield specials and I loved him and I I'll never forget that one night I had to follow Don Marrera in the main room and I got down there early I watched him I went up to him afterward how you doing before he went up how you doing Mr. Arara I'm going up after you and he gave me like a look how any comic would

that's just the way comics are it's a psychological thing he looked at me uh yeah whatever kid what's your name Joe Diaz another that's what we need another Spanish person in comedy you know I'm saying we don't have enough Paul Retrievers this is whatever they just make little fucking jokes you know so I followed fucking him I went up there was I cocky not really I just I ate a bag of dicks you know and he sat back there and loved every minute of it and the following Saturday I went up there again and I ate another bag of dicks and right when I did the biggest mistake a man could do I went and complained to Mitzi I didn't complain I'm not a pussy like some people I wasn't told Mitzi the truth that I was having a hard time following Don Marrera

it was making me feel uncomfortable and I was ruining the audience and I was walking the audience I went up there and it was honest with her even though when she goes to me good I'll push you back up there again next week and the week after that come back and tell me when you're having a good time but until then you're gonna follow Don Marrera to the death I was like fuck you don't know what it's like to get in your car and to fucking how would you like it if I called you up and said hey I'm coming over to pick you up we're going to shoot you today you know what I'm saying like but better yet you have to drive yourself like we're not even sending an Uber for you you're gonna have to drive yourself to come to my house I'm gonna put you in the back I'm gonna give you

last request a cigarette I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking head how's that seem you know that's what it got to be like on Saturday night I would drive down there just shaking my head like I'm gonna follow Don Marrera but that was Saturday nights okay something started happening during the week now during the week you had Andrew who came in and you had Eddie Griffin who came in and and you know I learned a lot from Eddie and I learned a lot from watching Andrew I mean they were both geniuses in their own way I'm still fans and friends with both of them when I was in Seattle I can't remember what the comic's name was and this is why I'm hesitant to tell the story because I do not remember his name he was African-American it's gonna come to me and we got a gig together

one night and when I got in the car he was listening to an African-American comic and you know we got in the car how you doing what's up this is gonna be great we're gonna Yakima Washington the Palm Springs of you know Washington it was like a three-hour drive I'm not sure and it was me and Clint and we smoked a joint and that was his name Clint I think me and him smoked a joint he was the headliner I was the feature and we were giggling at this fucking guy and I just played the bit for Mike when he came here the album was called Race and the guy had the cassette I think with a cd and the cd was a black guy with his with a gun in his hand with two racers they got on positions getting ready to run I laughed at that

alone and he was talking about you know white people and what white people do and scissor hands and fucking that a white man can't jump they don't need to they own the team he goes right now there's a black guy there's a white guy in a bank going man I got niggas jumping up and down for me you know like this no disrespect anybody I'm just saying what the man said on the on the album and you know you just laugh your fucking ass off at this shit and it's like it was like reverse racism in a way he was just goofing on white people you know so I listened to the album I asked him what the name it was where I could get it and dog I bought that fucking album and I listened to that motherfucker every day I knew it backwards and fucking forwards and I laughed it was the

first album that took me away from the day the laughter died I think you gotta remind you gotta refresh me there's been a lot of drugs a lot of trauma a lot of heartache you gotta so it was the first time like you know I can get stuck listening to Led Zeppelin 2 Led Zeppelin 2 Led Zeppelin 2 even though all your friends are telling you slipknot is great fucking this band is great you're like fuck it I'm gonna stick it out with Led Zeppelin 2 Led Zeppelin 2 Led Zeppelin 2 and all of a sudden I know where one day you put the beach brothers on you know what's the what's those guys round round turn around I turn around yeah yeah all that shit so you went from that extreme even though your friends are telling you listen to slipknot and everything you turned

around and went to fucking this other band but anyway so I take this fucking CD and I listened to it on every road trip I think he covers the OJ trial in there he covers the beginning of the OJ trial I'm gonna listen to it again this week remember how to do a lot of shit this week so I didn't really get a chance to process it so now I had a new problem Saturday nights I had to follow Damareva which was death and now Fridays Monday through Thursday I had another dilemma I had to follow so wait a second so I'm into race I'm into this album race I I don't know if these if I had access to the internet then but I hunted down who this guy Paul Mooney was hunting him down he was a writer for prior he helped prior write live on the sunset strip

blah blah blah the credits went on and on he was homie the clown he wrote the sketches for him living color he wrote for the Richard Pryor show the original one in the 70s and then just all this shit but but wait a second you're a writer and you put this fucking CD out this is fucking just great you know I remember the first night I walked into the comedy store was a Monday night the first person I saw was Don Barris and I asked him if I could go up and he goes to come back a little later he didn't know who I was I dropped a couple names and to the reason why I'm still a sweetheart to Don Barris was why he put me on stage that night the first night I got there January 27th on the store when I was sitting there after I got a soda the second person I

saw was wheels perisi who opened up the dice for years and the third person I saw was Eddie Griffin was there he was about to go up on stage and he was hanging out with the show Gunna Harlem I don't know if you guys ever saw that movie the guy's name is like putac or tupac or something like that he was in the audience there was only like eight people in the audience and I sat there and I was blown away by Eddie Griffin I was blown away by all the comics I saw and then at the end of the night Don Barris put me up on stage and it was great you know weeks later I became a regular and I think it was a month and you know I started seeing Gary Shanling I started seeing Sarah Silverman I started seeing Bill Maher I started seeing you know I would go up there with Doug Stanhope

at the time just to make give me a little bit of confidence so people wouldn't fuck with me I'm not gonna lie to you at that time nobody was fucking with dirty Doug and I would and I had his back so if he did fuck with dirty Doug it was gonna be an ugly situation I was still raw I still had my leather jacket you know not bueno and uh you know Doug was on the road and I started going down there by myself and that was a big boy and one night I looked and there was this guy that was holding the gun at that cover and it was Paul Mooney in the flesh if you guys think I salivated all over myself I didn't I can I contained my composure and he was on at midnight and I was on at 1215 and I was I wasn't scared I didn't think about it I did what any other young comic would do

and it's supposed to do you're supposed to watch the guy that goes up ahead of you and that's exactly what I did I went in the green room I sat in Mitzi's chair in those days there weren't no 80 people at midnight there was basically 14 people there and six of them eight of them were there to watch Paul Mooney they were his friends or whatever he didn't he didn't do 15 minutes he went up then did a fucking hour so I fucking you know I'm like what the fuck I didn't say nothing to him I'm a young comic he obviously he's got juice he knows Richard Pryor and he did all those things I took my lumps and not only that when he gets off the stage eight people get up with him now I'm down to six so I gotta go up on stage and entertain six fucking

people whoop-de-do that's your comedy career that's why you moved out to LA huh that that's why so think about these things guys these are the things you gotta think about that yeah I'm going to LA hey no it's not I'm six people six people what happened to the people from ABC what happened to the people from NBC there what happened to the people from fucking whatever records rhino records that were gonna be there there was nobody there you know your dream of somebody's gonna see you I was up there on stage for six people and every night I would leave their fucking more and more depressed and I remember one night I actually went up to Brian Holtzman and I'm like this sucks and he goes dog I just saw you destroy six people what do you mean this sucks I go I've been doing

this for a year following the fucking moon here six months at the time this sucks well I'm not getting anywhere he's like you're following a legend you're getting to watch this guy and then you're going up there yeah but I can't even try my new jokes because there's six people again you learn how to fucking what's what's a quarterback do at the line of scrimmage when he changes to play you gotta call an audible in your life sometimes you gotta call an audible I sat there I'm not gonna lie to you guys I could sit here and tell you a bunch of fucking oh I sat back there for three months and actually hated on him because he would make me fucking do this every night for fucking uh you know six months you know what that's like when you have a fucking dream and somebody's in the way

you're fucking dream every night and he goes up there but so finally something something brought back the old Joe Diaz and I go you know what if I can't beat him I'm gonna join this motherfucker one thing I did notice in those three months which was that he was a tremendous comedian a tremendous comedian I and if you sit here make me go Joey describe to me how he was a tremendous comedian he had no fear he tackled subjects you know he would go on stage and go nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga he goes I love saying the word nigga it makes my teeth white you know he goes this uh this he goes he goes I'm gonna keep saying nigga until the white guy gets up and calls 911 and saying hello LA police there's a nigger on stage and he won't stop saying

nigger and I would die a laughter at that stupid joke and then one night he said he knew Madonna when she was Mediana he goes I knew Madonna I know that little bitch when she was Mediana or something like that and I started watching what he was doing to the audience so instead of watching him I started watching the audience and I would go wow you know Carla bow is one thing you know fucking you know this comic that's working down Mariah is something else and Joe Rogan was up there doing his fucking thing at that time and he was ripping it you know all these comics were doing that thing but what Paul Mooney was doing was a different level he was breaking barriers Jack he was going up there and talking shit and making you feel uncomfortable and comfortable at the same

time that's a gift that's not a knock knock joke you dumb motherfucker he was well planned and he was he was a fighter up on stage he would throw jabs at you to see how you would react to him how you would move and once he found that he could keep punching you in that nose in that target he was relentless he kept punching you in that nose in that target and then he would switch it up and he hit you with two body shots to fucking let you get your breath back and then he'd start throwing that he would start throwing that cross fucking right hand breaking your fucking nose it was something you cannot you know and comedy is is is this up and down you know he had it all combined and I'm sure if you talk to Bill Burr I'm sure you talked to any of the comics that were there at that time

watching Paul Mooney I mean Doug I saw him walking with Elizabeth mother fucking Taylor one night this was a black man an African-American man that went up there and fucking did not talk bad about white people he'd just let them know how they were fucking up to the point where they were even laughing at themselves Edward Scissorhand you know he was just saying shit but I took to that and when that actually went them like a man I go Paul I've been watching you for a long time man and I'm learning a lot from you you know this is fucking great and he was he would call me a Cuban nigga you know he would he would say look what is the Cuban nigga all you Cubans are niggers anyway I mean he was just saying shit to me that was fucking you know that

would make me like it wasn't getting me mad at all it was he was saying it out of love and he loved Joe he would always goof on Joe too he would talk with Joe that he was a nigga too he was a Sicilian because you're nothing but a nigga too you and your Cuban little chubby friend and stuff he would say things to us and and it became to the point where I would not miss any of his performances because I always knew I would take something from it he taught me the gift of going up there and we talked about this last week on the podcast going up there standing up listen if you're gonna tell a joke and you're gonna tell it this way with your body not behind the joke it's not gonna work the audience sniffs that you gotta go up there plant your feet

commit yourself and fucking yell out to the audience and not let them worry about what the fuck they're thinking that's why this can't we're letting an outside individual come in and try to cancel us no my work is the from the reaction of the audience that's who could cancel me that's who could actually say something to me nobody else can just that fucking audience and that's what I took from Paul Mooney I took something from everybody I'm not a joke thief I'm not a thief but I took something from Andrew Dice Clay I took a little bit from fucking Joe Rogan you see it in me you definitely I tried to mimic Burr he's fucking tough to to mimic I like sometimes Mark Marin's delivery is very dead pan but one guy that I went after that I really mimicked a lot

and if and I'll show you even with the storytellers was a lot of Mooney stuff it wasn't thievery I didn't steal his material I stole his train of thought and how he would attack the audience that's what I stole from him and that's what I took from a lot of other comics but nobody being more than Paul Mooney Paul Mooney did not go up there to hold back Paul Mooney went out there to fire at you and then explain to you in an intelligent manner not like me I'm a dummy why he thought that way so yes he made you feel uncomfortable for two minutes but then for eight minutes he made you agree and even if you were white at the end you go you know what I'm starting to hate honkies myself and shit that's how he would do it but not in the fucking that the way

it's done today he wasn't up there bashing white people no he was just talking about our in our stupidity things art the things we do that were kind of fucking stupid and because of that he became my mentor not because he wrote jokes for me did I post a picture of him and me up no we weren't that type of friends we were other type of friends then he found out I was dating my wife my wife was a waitress at the store and he would give her shit about the Cuban I don't know what the fuck he's seeing that Cuban he's a bad motherfucking comic but he ain't a good looking man at all I mean he would always and I remember one day and he was he was gay he was gay and he dated white guys so that on stage was an act and he loved the track I can't tell you how many times

I saw my Hollywood park and he would yell at me Cuba you know another time me and my wife were walking on sunset and Laurel Canyon we were there's a sushi place a coffee place or a sushi place inside and we're walking and I saw he had a white convertible and I saw the convertible see me and he didn't want me to see me and he made a huge U turn on sunset and he yelled Cuba get your ass home they're killing niggas out here these days man like that's that's the shit he would say to me you know but uh I asked him once if I went to Miami to do the show and I would go to the improv a lot I would go to Miami improv every six weeks because I was Cuban and they would request me as a feature act I would stay down there for two or three weeks

and feature for headliners then it got to the point that there was a rumor going around that Joe Diaz was the only feature that brought his own headliner with him so I actually contacted the improv and I go listen man I had a I had a support I had a guy named John X great comedy book a great fucking guy he ran the DC improv he quit he moved on if anybody knows how to get a hold of John X please have him hit me up because I'm he was in DC and uh he was good friends with Paul Mooney he felt the same thing I felt about Paul Mooney so when I called Robert Hartman's office who booked the improv I said I think you guys should really book Paul Mooney you know there was just a couple of clubs booking them New York would

book them at night at midnight's at Caroline's and I got them into Miami I finally talked Joe Chadwick who was the manager in Miami to speak to John X in DC and they gave him a rate they didn't give him a lot of money you know he was Paul Mooney they tried to fuck with him let me tell you something Paul went down there and destroyed those Miamians and he destroyed the Cubans and I loved it it was the week of Eleon Fadanda's that when when the feds went in and got him and he would open up with how you doing Cubans you motherfuckers got your nigga wake-up call you guys thought you were part of the Jewish community down here in in Miami hanging out with Jews eating bagels and look at you they still come down and take your shit Cubans were walking out

in the hand rows they were just not accepting Paul Mooney me I didn't give a fuck I was loving what he was saying there was some brothers in there some African Americans older see he drew an older African American crowd and they were great and but the second night I was there listen at this time I was friends with Paul Mooney I wasn't best friends with him I was friends with him I got him the week at the improv but on the other side of that guys I was starting to rock I was starting to rock hard when you follow Paul Mooney for two years now your confidence shit you're showing up with your dick up out I would just show up with my dick out what motherfucker you want you know there was headliners that were having a hard time following me

because of the confidence that Paul Mooney was instilling in me I was following Paul Mooney five fucking nights a week and then Dom Aureon Saturday what the fuck do you think was gonna happen to you what do you think will happen to a man when you put him in a cage for five fucking days six days and then they will let me out in these Mickey Mouse clubs across the country these funny bones and shit and I would take that fucking headliners and wipe the stage with them and they would all complain about me you know what I didn't give a fuck so at that time I wasn't a team player my job was to go in there and become a headliner so my job was to go in there and fuck that fucking room up fuck the headliner he would get off you can't say fuck you can't

improvise you can't do this fuck you my job is to destroy that motherfucker room whether you like it or not listen my advice to feature acts today is you're part of a show you're there to enhance the show not to knock this motherfucker out of the box but if you need to you know uncle Joey will always give you the green light some headliner gives you shit and tells you you can't do some certain material I expect you to go up there and light your balls on fire so he can't follow it fuck him if he build himself as a headliner he's got to follow you and that's what Paul Mooney taught me so when I say that when I RIP Paul Mooney on Twitter the other day I didn't RIP him as a fucking mentor who taught me how to ride and sat me down and schooled me I learned from watching him

but the ultimate gift if I have to tell you the three biggest things that happened to me in my career one would have to be the many saints in Newark one would have to be my meeting with Joe Rogan and the third thing best thing that have happened to my career was I was in Miami one night Paul Mooney was about to follow me and I went up on stage and I went on a fucking rant that was don't ask me what I was saying don't ask it was classic Joey Diaz it was just punches to your face people I would not let you fucking breathe at that point I'd made Kevin Meany quit I had made a couple comics in Miami go I don't want to follow you I want to switch it with you I was up there fucking rocking guys and

you know I'm not big I'm blowing my own horn it's 2002 2003 I was becoming a dangerous man out there nobody was giving me love which is making me angrier and I was going for it at one point I looked over to the side and I saw Paul Mooney with the door open and he was yelling he was yelling at the bartenders and there was a manager there and in my mind I'm like I better wrap it up because Paul Mooney is getting angry at my language he's getting angry at what I'm doing up here I just lost a friend I he's never gonna work with me again at that time I was causing so much havoc in Miami that the hate was starting to grow for Joey Diaz as the headliner like those little B headliners they couldn't cover they couldn't cover the spread and I'm here to tell you the

truth I saw Paul Mooney doing that and I was brokenhearted I thought that he had turned on me I thought that he was yelling at the staff to come and give me the light to get me off the stage I got off the stage I gave him a fucking beautiful introduction because I thought it was gonna get fired I didn't you know I shook his hand I hugged him and I said that the great Paul Mooney you know fucking I gave his credits at the time and I got off stage and I remember being down I went into the bathroom and I pissed and I went to the bar and I go so am I fired and and they were like what are you talking about and I go when I was up on stage I saw Paul Mooney fucking yelling and screaming you know I don't know if I did something wrong if I was cursing too much if

he liked my material and Joe Chadwick came over and he's like no he was here insulting us telling us how much the improv suck that that right there is the product of the comedy store that is the fucking savagery that Mitzi made and he was just blowing fucking my you know he was just saying things to them about me like you see that that's what a comic really is you see that he has no fear you see that that motherfucker is a savage and he's gonna do something with his life someday you see and he was just telling them like you fucking improv suck he hated but freedmen he hated all those people but he needed work he was getting old he was 58 at the time this you know he died this week he was 70 something he was up there just give me praises and when I

walked off the stage that when he walked off the stage that night I went up to him and said what was that about and he goes I am so fucking proud of you he goes you have become he goes I never saw you do that at the store I go because fucking I gotta follow you in front of six fucking people I go that's what you did for me man that's the confidence I remember that the week before I was like in uh the funny bone and oof in Misha Walker right under Misha Walker is where Notre Dame is and I was working with this weak ass fucking comic he's on ships now I threw a beating on him as a guest spot that the feature and the fucking headliner crumbled at those days I would take my comedy store lineups with me on the road in those days I had a girlfriend in Michigan when I would

stay with her I would call clubs and go can I do a guest and now we never heard of you give me a fax number motherfucker and I would send them my fax number I would send them the credit the fucking the call sheet from the lineup and they would say Paul Mooney Joe Diaz like I follow Paul Mooney on a nightly basis I can't do a guest by that you're fucking dumping there we go all right come on down so fucking uh you know I got to spend those five days with Paul Mooney and it was just me and him and he got to watch me and you know he I think I went off course one night and I told the story like a little story and he said that that night when I got off he goes that little story captivated me he goes maybe you should try telling more stories on stage

and I go now nobody wants to hear my stories but uh we went back to LA you know we were still friends every night we goof around Cuba this that this and that and this and then in 2000 he did me a big favor he called me he goes hey I'm stuck and I forgot the book of feature for New York do you mind opening for me at Caroline's and right there on the phone I could feel the shit and the cum come out of my dick and then I just pissed myself that I was opening up for Paul Mooney at Caroline's and there was just four shows no it was two shows it was two midnight shows on a Friday night and I'll never forget that one night I walked off the stage and I was sitting on the side and I saw Laurie Metcalf I don't know if you guys I don't even know if I'm saying

her right she was she played uh the sister in league of her own to Gina Davis she was working Broadway and she was really good friends of Paul Mooney and she came to watch Paul and I was maybe you know I was in awe of her I was in awe that they were they were actors in the audience here to watch Paul Mooney and I'll never forget that I fucking looked over at her and she was saying his material as he was saying as he was saying and I'm like ain't this about a bitch and then we all went back to LA and John X took him on as a manager and he gave an extent a pretty extensive tour schedule you know at least Paul Mooney at the end was gonna go out like a gentleman because nobody had given them respect all those years you know they looked at

them as priors boy I never looked at them like that I hate when people look at people as somebody else's boys no we all have to serve an apprenticeship Lee served an apprenticeship now Lee's doing what he's doing I served an apprenticeship for Rogan now I'm doing what I'm doing don't ever be ashamed to serve an apprenticeship I don't want you to kiss somebody's ass or have your nose up somebody's ass but a mentor comes in a lot of ways a mentor comes in a lot of ways and for me listen when I already died I was a little upset I thought about our times together and I'm grateful I'm grateful that he was one of the guys when you see me doing my thing I'm stage yelling and going crazy and eating ass and it was it was inspired by Paul Mooney with Paul

Mooney gave me he gave me a gift he gave he let me watch him learn and study from him so from now on when somebody's kind of being weird to you or whatever step back look back and see what this guy's really trying to do don't hate on him try to learn from him to make you better and to lift you up to be a better person that's enough about Paul Mooney before I wrap it up this week I gotta talk to you about something it's a beautiful Monday to be alive this weekend Memorial Day weekend you're back out I guess COVID's done I got on the plane and I'm here so unless by Wednesday I'm not back then I'll know I have fucking COVID I had a free fucking uh I got an email a few weeks ago from JetBlue that I was gonna lose my money if I didn't use it so I booked a couple vacations for my wife

but what I wanted to do first was I had to go to LA because I'm putting together a strain of Joey Diaz weed for the ice cream shop it's gonna be like 90 fucking percent your eyeballs are gonna blow out of your fucking head so I wanted I needed to do that uh when I got here to do the fucking surgery I got sent to a heart doctor and he broke my balls and he made me do all these tests and then he didn't want to give me the the medication I was getting in LA he wanted me to go through another battery test the last three weeks and I go fuck you I called my doctor in LA my doctor and he goes come out I'll do an EKG I'll do it in my office and I'll prescribe whatever the fuck you need so I put that down and then last the last two weeks I've been having a hard time

something was bothering me on the inside of my mouth and I kept waking up every morning morning spitting blood and I was using the wrong um floss so one day I had to go I just made an appointment at a dentist over here and he told me that the lady who had never done the work for me originally fucking they have to do something over here so I said fucking I'm going to LA I'm gonna see the doctor I'm gonna see the weed store I might as well see Dr. Sherry my girl while I'm there so I said listen my schedule's gonna be I got a plane ticket I left Thursday morning at 545 the driver picked me up I got a 730 flight I landed in LA at 730 my plan to go those three things I was gonna definitely go to dinner with Dean Delray and I didn't know what I was gonna

do at night because the time difference remember 9 30 LA time is midnight New York time and I'm already on the New York time so I said fuck it pop is getting tired yeah pop is gonna be getting tired I don't know about and once I got there guys I knew I didn't want to be there like I knew why I left when I'm done with some I'm fucking done with something so I uh did the three things I had to do I got back to my hotel room around three o'clock I called Dean Delray uh Kate couldn't meet me because she had a gig at 830 and she had something to do till four I felt really bad because she felt bad but I go Kate I just dropped this on you this is what's wrong with people people think that just because they fly into town people got to drop what they're doing no I knew you were

busy I didn't want to make a big announcement and to be honest to you the real reason why I went to LA was to small in the circle on a guy there's a guy that fucked with me for the last three years and now we're gonna get our fucking day in the sand so I went to to to to fucking reel in the circle on him a little bit just so he knows his fucking running things tighten the news you know I'm saying so I wanted him to know I was going there so now I got him sleeping thinking why was he here for one day but when I got back to my hotel room at four I just knew I couldn't stay in LA that night I was like I'm not spending my fucking night in LA I called every fucking airline I couldn't get back it was terrible no southwest but jet blue wasn't flying out of Burbank no more or there's only two

flights a day two direct flights a day to LA so I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do and I went in my wallet and I found an old fucking mosaic card that's like the high-level people at jet blue and I called the number and I told him the truth I said I gotta get the fuck out and later he goes listen you're not gonna believe this a ticket just opened up in one a I go fuck it put me on it so I was basically I got that lay at 10 30 in the morning and I was back on a plane Thursday night at 9 20 I landed five fucking oh five my boy Alex was there he gave me a ride home I got home by 6 0 5 and I did it and I didn't do it for the fucking to be honest here I could have done a zoom call with the guy for the reefer the doctor would have probably sent me the prescription

and I could have gone to a different dentist here the real reason why I do it did it was to eliminate my fear I wanted to just I gotta take this shit and lose strides man this whole pandemic thing took me for a fucking while I'm getting better you can see I'm getting better I'm looking better still no weed if I don't smoke by tomorrow night it'll be fucking three no three weeks already three fucking weeks already I don't know if I look any different I'm still ugly as fuck I've lost some weight and it's not like I'm running marathons I can't tell you my knees still getting healed but I'm happy I'm doing this I'm happy I'm doing this when I come back I get nice and fucking stoned what I am gonna do is the first time I do smoke I am gonna smoke

for you guys because I want you guys to see what I used to do to Lee if you don't think when I take that first hit I'm gonna do it to you my eyeballs I'm gonna fly out and I'm gonna drool all over myself and shit that's gonna happen so paybacks are a bitch thank you for watching have a great fucking Monday morning I know that half years this week after tomorrow your heads are gonna be up your ass thinking about Memorial Day weekend what's what color is the table cloths gonna be you know are we using ranch dip or are we going with the traditional onion you know all that shit yeah so you guys are gonna be brain dead but anyway I want to catch you today uh rest in peace Paul Mooney thank you very much guys for watching and uh we'll be back Wednesday Tip Top Magoo love you

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