Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #069 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Monday, May 31st..... Happy Memorial Day….. This episode is brought to you by Magnesium Breakthrough & Bluechew..... Go to https://www.MagBreakthrough.com/JOEY and enter PROMO Code: JOEY10 Go to https://www.Bluechew.com and enter PROMO CODE: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Co-Hosted & Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Monday it's fucking Memorial Day who gives a fuck what day it is it's motherfucking Memorial Day and I'm here to salute the troops and thank you for all your service and your dedication to this great fucking country of ours but the joint is brought to you by magnesium breakthrough tremendous take it from me if you want to be healthy you need a good night's sleep I've been talking about that for fucking years there's no substitute and I know it's hard guys between the sleep apnea the anxiety it's a regular three-ring fucking circus for me on some nights but I've

tried everything from teas to fucking you know me one thing that really helps me is magnesium magnesium breakthrough is taking me deep into the waters of dreamland yeah I do the Michael Jackson tea some nights and all that but magnesium has been a steady with me since before we fucking before the surgery magnesium is a tremendous mineral not only does it help you with sleep it reduces stress and helps you maintain a regular heartbeat it boosts your immunity it lowers fucking cortisol which is important and most people are magnesium deficient even Popeye can't eat enough fucking spinach to get

enough magnesium breakthrough works fast just pop two capsules before you go to bed in 30 minutes you'll be sleeping like a fucking baby do me a favor don't sleep on this welfare just for the church for the joint family go to mag breakthrough calm again mag breakthrough calm slash Joey and use Joey 10 what I'm gonna do for you is during checkout you're gonna save 10% magnesium breakthrough is a full spectrum it's the only organic supplement that's include seven unique forms of magnesium I've been sleeping better and I wake up feeling tip top magoo plus I'm more relaxed and I'm at peace throughout the day you guys could

see that in me yes I'm eating right and I'm going to the gym and I'm taking care of myself in other areas but I can't fucking tell you enough about magnesium breakthrough so do me a favor go to the mag breakthrough calm right now use code Joey during checkout and I'm gonna send you 10 fucking percent and like Metallica says tell the Sandman Uncle Joey sent you cock suckers the joint is also brought to you by bluetooth oh shit memorial means Memorial Day means one thing stand back and let that rocket fucking go off somebody's sucking your fucking dick this fucking weekend you've been home for 15 fucking months some of you

forgot how to date you forgot how to do anything but bluetooth is here to light your fucking bedroom up so you can light a little monkey on fire the understand me bluetooth is tremendous it's an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a fraction of the cost and you could take it anytime day and night and it's simple you sign up at bluetooth.com again bluetooth.com B L U E C H U E E W dot com and speak to one of our licensed medical providers once you're approved you'll receive your prescription within days the best part it's all online no fucking dirty visits

to the doctor no awkward conversations no I beating no waiting online at the pharmacy it ships right to your door in a discreet pack as the mailman don't know dick if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform bluetooth can help even if you don't have a rectile dysfunction you don't show up with a gun with five bullets do you know you show up you want fucking six bullets and you want two bullets in your socks just in case you got to shoot her feet anyway we got a special deal for you try bluetooth free Joey don't mess with me it's Memorial Day bluetooth for free when you use promo

code Joey and check out just pay five hours for shipping that's bluetooth.com promo code Joey to receive your first month free and as always I want to thank bluetooth for sponsoring the joint and now let's get this little party started right we got bluetooth we got magnesium breakthrough and we got you guys what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the last day of a month happy Memorial Day to you motherfuckers if you're watching this podcast it's because nobody invited you to anything and you're a fucking stiff like me no he was a fucked up weekend I get it there was a fucked up weekend but we made

it I'm happy it's Memorial Day happy Memorial Day to everybody who served in their families you know I know that this is what it's really all about but it just was fucking what a hell of a weekend I mean listen Jersey is great because during the week it's 90 degrees and you jump it up and down but let me tell you something for years I've been monitoring the weather on the weekends in fucking Jersey in New York you know you talk to Ari I talked to different people like my brothers and I'll be like how's the weather and they'll tell me it's fucking terrible it was great all weekend well we had the same every fucking

party got canceled the biggest little league tournament of the year got canceled I mean fucking everything well got pushed back till today and today looks like it's gonna be all right but the field is gonna be shitty it was coming down fucking like a typhoon Saturday morning the party Saturdays got canceled except for one kids party thank God and I went if you don't think I went I fucking went and enjoyed myself you understand me I had the hat on I was jumping up and down with the kids because there was nothing else going on it was raining now Saturday night you know I just relaxed it's so fucking weird how

you have to catch yourself sometimes Sunday was a great day we were supposed to go to Joe Florentines that got fucking rained out that got pushed to next weekend so next weekend I got like 19 activities the girl softball tournament starts Thursday fucking night so yeah this is this weekend fucked me up but you know what man no matter what happened this weekend I was in a great fucking mood the whole weekend and I'm even in a better mood today and I'll tell you why January 4th my drive my wife was driving me down the brick to do surgery on my knee and guys I wasn't too happy between you and me guys I would

have fucking made my wife turn that car around but then I had to face you guys and I'd have to tell you how I pussied out on a surgery because I was too scared because of my fucking knee and how would I look to you guys so I put my chin up and I walked into that hospital and as scared if I as I was of COVID as scared of as I was of needles as scared of as I was of everything that had to do with it when they told me to sit in a wheelchair you know they put you in a wheelchair like a fucking jerk off and they will you like I could walk no ladies like no you gotta go in a wheelchair I gotta push I'm in that

wheelchair saying to myself you know what I'm gonna be okay I'm in good hands and this is all going to be better by Memorial Day if you look at any of my journals and if I write you read back to you any of my journals from January 4th I mean I even go back as November saying that this will all be fine by Memorial Day I'm not Nostradamus I'm not I'm not saying in that in that case it just so happened COVID died in New Jersey on Friday that's it you don't have to wear a mask no more people are not wearing masks and businesses some people you know I bring my mask out of respect I don't want to piss anybody off

I don't want any fucking problems if I see people don't have the mask on then I don't put my mask on but if somebody's uncomfortable or whatever they come up to me I put my mask I'm not here to give anybody attitude or anything in my world COVID's over in your world it should be over look at the fucking sporting events they got people on top of people it's over nobody gives a fuck that's it you got the president out that you didn't like you got your job completed okay now it's over with so I was I didn't even look at it like that I didn't know about January 4th I knew nothing about a vaccine I knew nothing

about anything I just thought that for me because the weather would break by that time I would you know be a little bit more settled by that time the parts would have clouded and the true color of the skies would have shown I would have known where I stood more that's where I was coming from and I am I'm very fucking happy my stress levels have gone down a thousand and one percent I don't have to take the anxiety medication at all the last time I took it was during the Rudy Sarzo guitar lesson he fucking stressed me to fuck out from A to Z I mean he's so intense but everything else has been working out I'm healthy I'm still losing

weight I'm still doing the weight watches you know my knee I got to tell you something again even when I went before the surgery and I was sitting there you know with the fucking IV in my hand and shit and I'm like you know what everything is going to be better by late by Memorial Day everything you know and the last three days the biggest pain I have throughout the day guys is not walking it's not lifting it's not riding the bike it's none of the above you know what the fucking hardest thing for me to do is you know when I establish pain as soon as I open my eyes and I decide to get out of bed I have to

pull my hips up and turn and go over and let my feet land on the bed and from my knee to my foot my leg jiggles it feels like a loose tooth you have another loose tooth and it goes you like this fucking tooth is gonna fall out any day that's how my leg feels because of the IT muscle and the muscle that I tore but I gotta tell you something the last four or five days I haven't had it so I think that that prediction I made in my head about Memorial Day weekend actually healed everything I mean I'm okay knock on wood I'm not jumping up and down I'm not gonna fucking go and you know bungee jump or nothing I'm still fucking

petrified you know it's a psychological thing guys I still go to the court yeah I still feel that my fucking knee is gonna fall off when I'm fucking walking you know like from time to time like that's why I'm so happy and we made it on the reefer we did 30 fucking days yeah I'm not a fucking quitter but we did 30 fucking days and I'm gonna tell you I was goofing on you guys last week and telling you like you know like I don't feel no differences I would love to be one of those jerk offs you know that walks to you with the water and you know oh my god I'm never gonna smoke

again after my lungs I I don't feel shit I can't tell you but I thought I will tell you what I I did learn I'm gonna take a quick sip of water here you gotta hydrate them not things get bad for you inside I will tell you what I did learn that I've been very very wrong on for the last 30 years I've been talking shit on this podcast about it you know I got when I talk about this I gotta tell you the whole fucking deal if not it's not gonna pan out I got a very not hurtful and light and lighting email about eight months ago it was somebody telling me about my drug use

with the with the emphasis on marijuana and they were explaining my situation how me doing what I was doing taking pictures of pot and all that shit you know and it was a shitty email I didn't really put any weight on it but he was right in some places he made some valid points that I was glamorizing marijuana you see you know the kids might be getting at the wrong way and I and I agree with that you know you guys know I am in my house right now I would love to fucking smoke just to see I'm doing a video of me smoking for the first time do not think that I am not gonna do a video I'm gonna roll a joint show you

the fucking percentage of it and smoke to join see the results and then after I say tremendous we're gonna cut that piece and turn that into an NFT if you don't think I'm gonna do that for June you got another thing coming but I will tell you that where I was wrong with the the THC and the reefer and I love marijuana I'm never gonna badmouth it at all I get pissed off and people tell me that you know they have different effects from marijuana because I know that bullshit but this effect I know for a fact because it's been affecting me the last week and a half maybe two weeks my dreams started getting clearer

you know not alpha brain dreams like this alpha brain dreams and then I had like a reefer dream the last time I drank the Michael Jackson tea if you've noticed I haven't been drinking the Michael Jackson tea I still drink the Kikomo tea I just don't put all the shit in there because I had like a fucking very vivid dream but yes it was funny when I was telling the story it was a dream about Fidel chasing me on a speedboat and I was on a speedboat getting chased but who did I tell you was on that boat with me my sister so I actually went to Cuba in this dream and got my sister that's something that I've

never really thought of doing since I was around eight I didn't think about it when I had the dream it was the dreams I started having a couple of nights after that they were very personal dream look him you ever watched like like one night I was watching a Jared Leto movie with Denzel on HBO Max the new movie he made not a good movie I don't I don't remember what the fuck the movie was about arson and some shit and that night I had a dream that I was at a party and Jared Leto was there smoking pot like it was like I don't remember talking to him I don't remember what music was on and you know I couldn't tell you a

detail about the dream all I could tell you was the next day I was going for a ride somewhere and I said wow that was weird I had a dream about Jared Leto because I was watching his fucking movie before I went to bed the night before the reefer with the fucking Fidel chasing me on the speedboat yeah I was watching Miami Vice and Tubbs and Crockett were chasing some other guy on a speedboat and the guy went off the street and maybe I took that to bed with me and I had that dream about the speedboat but where did my sister come from in this dream and the last couple of nights after that not last night but

I think Friday night I had a dream of me having a conversation with my mother like a full-on conversation with my mother I think Wednesday night I actually had a dream where I actually and guys it's been he's been dead for 55 fucking years I don't know what he looks like anymore I don't know I don't remember nothing but I will tell you how to dream that I was actually talking to my father my step my real father and I could see him in the dream and I could you know like I think I cried or whatever but I woke up I was fine you know it was throughout the day that I'm like I had a dream about Manolo last night when the

fuck did this happen so I'll tell you what that is I think that the weed was covering up some of my you know yeah listen guys when I was fucking 16 I ran into a fucking brick wall of life you know I needed everything I could to shutter those fucking feelings down so I could fucking you know move on with my life and obviously it was just putting them in a fucking closet and now all these dreams are coming out of my fucking closet and I got to face the realities of my fucking dreams or what's in my psyche and I think that's what the weed helped are they nightmares not at all they're not nightmares there's

nothing bad nothing I wake up it's just very enlightening fucking dreams and I kind of like them to be honest with you it's letting me know that my mother's still in my life my father still my life and my sister still in my life that's something you know I weigh very heavy my sister's life weighs very fucking heavy on me a lot I don't disclose a lot of it I don't talk about a lot I mean it's something I should talk to a psychiatrist about or something but I never really got to that place but my sister is something that you know I can't talk to my sister as much as I like calling her or whatever you know our lines of

communication were open for years and we were getting to a certain place and I think that I offered too much to her too quick you know she kept wanting me to go to Cuba this is we years ago three four years ago our connection really started again like in 2013 when my daughter was born I went out to you know contact my sister and you know I talked to my cousins my cousins had come to the improv and we went to cantors and they dinner and you know spoke to five in the morning and they filled me in on what was going on with my family in Cuba and I said let me make a conscious decision

here and throughout everything that was going on touring podcast you know specials I was trying to put my sister together you know like just trying to call her and talk to her and reach out and have a relationship with her I got a family now I wanted a relationship with my fucking sister so I went out of my way and called her every week I'd have to go buy a special fucking calling card and it was like $50 for eight fucking minutes to talk to Cuba I mean it was a fucking nightmare but I did it she's my sister and my mother was dead I this is what I need to do to reopen up this avenue this was something I needed to do

for me I thought I was doing the right thing but I got to be honest here every time I fucking talked to her when I get off the phone I had a smoke fucking 10 joints and drink fucking teak 10 kamikazes you guys know I don't drink kamikazes or nothing but you understand what I'm saying to you the conversations will weigh that much on my psyche because it was over it would always end up on you got to enjoy our mother and I did and I'm like I I wish you knew what you were talking about that there was a ton of suffering involved here you know there was not this was not a fucking trip to fucking

Disney World you know afterwards so but she doesn't understand that I kind of don't understand her world so what I tried to do on my end was to reach out to her to bring her here to the States since I was having such a hard time with the passport thing and I offered to California I would bring her back here show her fucking the grave show where my mother's bar was where I'm you know business was located in New York different just to spend time with her and she told me that she didn't want to come to the United States you know that she's a full-blown fucking commie what am I gonna do I can't you know I can't

force somebody to do something I don't want to do so kind of in a way I took it as an insult which I'm oversensitive I should have never got insulted over it so our conversations have slowed down over the years we've just been talking during the holidays and like I called it this year for her birthday and left the message you know it's March 19th you ever call somebody and you you you call them and you want to talk to them but you're kind of happy if they don't answer the phone and you leave a message and you're like woof I got out of that fucking hot seat that's how I feel now you know so and I shouldn't feel that way that's

my fucking sister that's the only blood I really fucking have in this world but just going back to the effects of marijuana that's all I felt to be honest with you guys I did get a little agitated the other night I've not been at all this has not been like a thing that I'm quitting anything you know I don't believe in diets like people always go don't call them a diet and you won't get pissed off call them a change in lifestyle and you'll be a lot better off if you just go I'm having a change in a lifestyle change you'll be a lot better off and that's the same thing I'm doing here it's don't call it a come

back I've been here for years anyway I don't know man I just thought a lot of cool J there for a minute you know I'm gonna smoke again I'm sure it's just I just wanted to give everything a breather and that's what the big notice that I thought that reefer was recreational or whatever I think I was wrong I think that it hit back some of my emotions and now I'm enjoying them I'm enjoying dealing with these emotions I do not know I you know and listen to dreams aren't that vivid where like my mother's coming to me and she's saying bet the Knicks it's it's it's not that it's not one of those dreams you know she

came to me in a dream they told me to bet the Knicks now I'm done betting the fucking Knicks by the way listen I'm done betting the Knicks and the Nets I learned the hard way it is fucking weak but I will tell you one thing guys I love DraftKings I love I love gambling I don't like I didn't like excessive gambling when I was a kid growing up here I did not like what my friends were doing that style of gambling this new style of gambling is kind of fucking fun you know and last Monday night my daughter had a softball game and I was talking to Dan Florentine and we were talking about the NBA and we were

talking about we were talking about the NBA just just stupid shit you know watching the girls softball games a bunch of guys and he was going the thing about the playoffs I didn't even know was a fucking player he goes to think about the NBA playoffs is that they play defense so that means you got to start looking at totals instead of you know instead of looking at games you look at totals and again I was bored Monday night so I think I bet two totals and I split so I won one game and I lost the other one no big fucking deal $25 you win like 19 if you win I just do it just to in between TV shows I go back and I

watched with the game I can't watch a whole basketball game and you just only the last three minutes fucking counting you know so I fucking split out Monday night Tuesday night I think I bet oh no I pushed Sunday night with the next let's get this straight Sunday night I pushed with the next Monday night I split and then Tuesday night I think I lost so Wednesday I actually called my man the Philly godfather and this motherfucker gave me two fucking winners on Wednesday night that were tremendous and then Thursday I called the Philly godfather again he's fucking good you see him on Twitter posting all that shit and showing

money that this guy's fucking good he gave me another pick Thursday night and it's fucking one I got a little money back me you know I'm fucking retarded when I signed up for draft Kings I signed up for the fantasy instead and I don't know what I'm doing with fantasy so they asked me you know do all these pools and shit a dollar so what's a fucking dollar you're not doing nothing you might as well put a team together so I put a fucking team together and they told me I was over budget I have no idea what I'm doing with fantasy so I just put a team together I bet a couple things I forgot all about it right I

forgot all about this so I told Dan Florentine that I had all this money on my six hundred bucks on my fucking draft Kings fantasy and I don't know what I'm doing he's like you gotta get a fucking transferred over to your sports book you fucking idiot so I had to call draft Kings and you know the customer service is great the whole fucking thing but guess what I actually hit one of the pools I fucking once like $200 on one of the pools not knowing anything that's just approved to people that you don't need to know shit about game and house mothers do it and fucking win money but anyway I fucking hit with the

Philly Godfather on Thursday night and Friday I was all fired up I'm like there's gonna be a bunch of fucking games I'm gonna call the Philly Godfather but Friday night Friday day my daughter there was no school down here you know because they had a winter day left over can you fucking believe that there was no school for four months and they had a winter day left over so they made them take the day off to make it a five-day weekend so the girls went up to fucking some zoo and I was stuck down here all fucking day so I had to go to the gym I had some phone calls to make you know I talked to Erica on the book I

did a bunch of fucking shit and then my wife calls and she's like what are you doing for dinner I go I don't know what are you doing for dinner she's like well go on to Christine's you're on your fucking own so I was like god damn I didn't give a fuck I went and got my fucking I got this little place I go to nice grilled chicken I got some nice grilled chicken I got some nice mac and cheese six points and I got I ordered mashed potatoes but the guy gave me broccoli he couldn't hear fucking mashed potatoes and broccoli was through the mass so I didn't give a fuck because the grilled chicken was fucking zero points

on Weight Watches so all I had was the mac and cheese six points and then from there went next door I wanted to give myself a treat because I'm supposed to have 61 Weight Watcher points and I already had 74 and working out with the walking therapy so I went next door and I got myself a nice little coconut milk plier bowl fucking fruit bowl because fruit is zero points and I don't touch the fucking milk the coconut milk with the with the protein powder and the blended bananas four points and I eliminate the granola so I just eat the fucking fruit just to get my stomach going then my wife calls me and says

Christina and them are ordering fucking pizzas and sandwiches they want you to come over so I actually went over there and had a fucking great time but I noticed something while I was over there I kept looking at my clock and I'm like I want to go home and play so fucking bedding you know I wanted to call the Philly Godfather and play some better than I go here we go here we go this is what we were talking about last week catching yourself that sometimes we don't check ourselves you know I'm I've started to do this about 10 years ago and it's been working for me I wish I would have started doing this at 20 if

I would have done this at 20 I would have been that guy from fucking whatever right now jumping out of planes I would have been more at the 80 billion fucking dollars if you don't check yourself in this life on a constant fucking level that's when you start to slip and I was starting to slip on Friday I kept looking at the clock going I'm gonna get home I want to call the Philly Godfather in place of bet I think I liked Boston I liked Atlanta and I liked Kwame Leonard to do under on his fucking game against the Dallas Mavericks that's what I liked I looked at it early in the daytime but here I am with kids here I am with my

wife here I am with a family and I'm thinking about fucking going in and putting three 25 dollar bets whether it's 25 dollar bets or it's five thousand dollar bets it's still fucking gambling and it's something that's supposed to be fun not supposed to be doing for me to do remember when you gamble once a week the odds are you making money or more than you gambling seven nights a week remember that when you go to the wealth seven times especially with basketball that's every fucking night you got to be right you know what I ended up making myself what 217 dollars Joey what's 217 dollars you can't do nothing with that

that's fine you know what I'll buy gas right gas is three dollars and fucking down even if I buy gas at 217 dollars that's a lot of fucking money where I come from I don't give a fuck when anybody says and that's what I was using it for it wasn't for me to become that's the problem I had when I was 19 I was gambling to become a millionaire me and my fucking friends you're not making gonna become a millionaire you want to do it as fun it's great I fucking encourage you but see I even caught myself and this is why I like this shit this is why I love Germany this is why I'm looking at my goals from fucking

last year I'm looking at my goals from two years ago and I gotta tell you some guys I can't believe how much my goals have changed what I wanted two years ago is not what I want today everything two years ago I had to do a business everything now has to do with me being happy it's it's so weird to look at it and to see the fucking jump you know I have a thousand things going on right now without stand-up comedy I am so happy to say this and this is the life I wanted I always loved doing stand-up comedy I didn't want it to dominate my fucking life and if you leave it up to your agents and everybody else that's

what they want for you to be out there every fucking week until you die you know one of the best things I ever did was watch the Elvis documentary on HBO I still think it's on HBO Max or if you have HBO app if you haven't watched the Elvis fucking documentary watch it that Elvis documentary was what it didn't open up my eyes it confirmed to me what the other side thinks and if you watch the fucking Elvis documentary I think it's a three-part documentary they think they did like a three-part Sinatra documentary maybe a two-part or a three-part part Elvis documentary if you guys want to fact-check it and hit me

back on Twitter and help everybody else watch it watch it but if you're a comic it's really important that you watch what what Elvis and this Elvis documentary there was a part where towards the end I mean I fucking love Elvis I don't know if you guys know this I'm pissed at the United States that we have just forgotten about fucking Elvis for when I was growing up Elvis was on TV every fucking night I love J House rock but dog I got an Elvis album in there live from Hawaii Aloha whatever the fuck I fucking love Elvis you can laugh at me all you fucking want that motherfucker if you're gonna be a good

stand-up comic and you don't study Elvis you fucking out of your mind Elvis is Andrew Dice Clay Elvis is Ralphie May I can name five fucking comics that looked at Elvis and learned from Elvis and I was one of those guys I think Elvis the only problem with me and Elvis Elvis was beautiful I'm an ugly motherfucker Elvis was fucking beautiful I saw a fucking picture of Elvis about six months ago I had to call my wife down and say find me something more beautiful than that and I'm not gay I know beauty though when I fucking see it he was fucking beautiful and he could that motherfucker could rock when he wanted to rock yeah a lot of his

shit was you know but Elvis taught me fucking a lot about performing I still watch Elvis dog I I'm a jailhouse rock motherfucker the same way I'm a plane trains and automobiles type of motherfucker I learned more about body movement from jailhouse rock from Elvis than I did from comedy from John candy and fucking Steve Martin and plane trains and automobiles if you got a problem with Elvis you watch jailhouse rocking you go get back to me that motherfucker drops it on there but anyway to get back to the fucking documentary before I get fired up on Elvis here Elvis there's a part towards

the end I don't know if you guys know anything about Elvis I've read like 20 books the Colonel I forget what his real name was was like Elvis his fucking father he was his manager he was a mentor he fucking made Elvis Elvis he was a great fucking manager but they caught him on tape towards the end saying that you know when Elvis is dressing up with the fucking belt and he was fatter than I was no longer shard he was throwing karate kicks you know you knew his time was coming like you looked at Elvis and you're like fuck fat Elvis is killing me but I was holding on for dear life let me tell you something in 75 when I was

fucking 12 I got into an argument about Elvis I was holding on to dear life to Elvis Elvis died when I was 14 Elvis died like an August when I was a superstar basketball camp and I got a taste I might cried a little bit on the bus when Elvis died when I saw when I saw it in the paper I didn't know he died taking his shit or whatever but no this shit really fucking matters the point is fucking Elvis was a bad motherfucker and at the end they catch his they have tape audio tape of his manager the Colonel who loved and adored him telling a promoter listen man Elvis is damn his goods what we're gonna do is this we're

gonna put him on the road and put him out there until he dies we're gonna squeeze every last penny out of him when I heard that audio tape my fucking heart broke right there on that couch like my fucking heart just broke because it confirmed what I always knew about booking agents and people in the entertainment business they blow smoke up your ass and they just put you out there until you die get busted or get shot or get put in prison you know if you ever watch the thief at the end when he hits James Conn in the head and he tells the guy you're gonna work for me till you fucking burnt out dead or in

the fucking joint and when that reality comes to you in life it's a fucking reality that's it that's how you're gonna fucking end up so when I fucking heard that I was like okay I got to check myself now I don't want to end up on the road and I don't want to give these guys the control to think that much about me money is not worth me being away from my family that fucking much if Elvis if Ralphie if all these comics if you could bring them back Richard Pryor Paul Mooney who's got kids and go was it fucking really worth it if you could do it all over again would you find the healthier balance they would say yes I

have a lot of things going on right now you know I'm trying to write a great book for you guys with Erica Florentine I mean we are working fucking hard on this this is not gonna be an easy I don't want you guys to think that we're just throwing things together we're focusing on the things that I have never told you over the years the things that were going on inside of me in my head in my heart this is not just some book about me stealing and doing fucking drugs I'm taking you guys to the next level I want to do this for what you guys have done for me I want to tell you so I'm working on that I'm working on the

NFTs I'm trying to put a podcast together we're trying to get a new studio going and start a new podcast there I mean my hands are fucking full I'm trying to raise a daughter I got fucking softball practice now they just added more games more tournaments all stars I mean my fucking you know my fucking I'm thin here you know I'm thin because I want to take the summer off and I want to enjoy it listen to be a good comic to tell you a good story I have to go out and find new stories and do new things you know I've even gotten into new friends like I I went out to dinner Thursday night with my neighbor he's my

friend now Frankie we you know we went to the fucking brass rail and got a tremendous pot roast fucking sandwich you know I mean I had to fraud Diablo because I'd already had meat in the daytime I don't like eating that much meat I had to see food for Diablo nothing else I didn't put no I didn't eat no bread no butter on the bread nothing but you know I'm trying to change everything you know I just didn't want to have comedy friends anymore that was my problem in LA everybody I had was a comedy friend or somebody associated with the business in some sort of way I'm trying to make

friends with normal people with dads I'm friends with a guy that's a retired nine you know he got hurt during 9-11 I'm hanging out with a fucking Newark detective I'm hanging out with a guy that's in charge of sanitation in New York I'm hanging out with people that are giving me a different perspective you know I'm saying it's not the same fucking perspective that I was living with in California you know something happened on the way to dance yesterday not yesterday Friday that really showed me how far I've come as a human being even since I've been here I told you that what I hated the most of what

I was living through the last five or six years was the desperation I didn't like that feeling it was desperate all around me I felt it again last Thursday when I flew to LA I felt that desperation in the air I feel like the other shoes gonna drop I can't believe a friend of mine said the other shoe you felt was gonna be an earthquake and I looked at him weird I'm like don't even please but anyway you know I felt that desperation I didn't like anymore I didn't accept it and I didn't want it in my house not only am I writing a book not only am I you know trying to do all these fucking things I'm also trying to

put together a TV show in conjunction with the book with a complete different writer he is a great guy this writer is a great guy I met him by taking his class I took his writing class it was like an eight week class on a script and you know what he taught me a lot of shit about script writing did I end up writing a script no but at least I got an idea and it's gonna be the next book for me and Erica me and Erica gonna start a corporation and we're just gonna write books she's got ideas I've got ideas and together you know two heads are better than one you know we're friends we're

gonna be business partners so we already have an idea for the next book you know you want me to tell you it's listen to this one the other day I was talking to my fucking daughter at the softball field we were doing something I don't know we were just sitting there and she was talking to me about what she learned in fucking school or something about animals and all the animals that were down here I said to her would you ever think about what's in those fucking trees and she started telling me all this shit about what lives back there and what animals she likes I'm sitting there going this kid knows a lot more than

what I fucking thought so all of a sudden she goes that's why I think when I graduate high school I think I'm gonna move to Colorado like you did and I'm like you're gonna move to Colorado oh my god what makes you say that you know I'm just bullshitting with her trying to talk to her you know having a conversation and she's like well dad you went there and they have all these animals and all this stuff because I was talking about independence past one day we were talking about if we go to Aspen next year I'm gonna take I want to go in the summer because I want to take them over independence past independence

past is only open from July to like the second week of September it's only open three fucking months a year and it's a cliff it's basically a fucking road that's a road and a half and if you fucking take too far of a thing you because if your car doesn't have wings it's night night I have gone through independence past with people who have murdered people and they have cried the whole way like you I'll never do this again now fucking kill you and at the end of independence past there used to be a place called the black wolf in or something and you could stay the night there because it's a pretty fucking

exhausting drive once you make it you you what do you call white knuckle it the whole fucking way because if you make one wrong move you can go off that fucking cliff so it's called like the black wolf in it used to be there when I was a kid and you would just spend the night there and eat and at night the wolves were how well at midnight you like in your bed this is tremendous it wasn't fucking tremendous you know so it was tremendous it was beautiful was nature I was young it takes an hour off the trip between Aspen to Denver so if you ever go from Aspen to Denver and it's July through September take

independence pass bring a camera take pictures and you take an hour off what did this have to do with what we were fucking talking about Joey okay so my wife my daughter told me she want to go to Colorado you know we're talking I said to her wouldn't this be weird if I fucking died you know like when she turns 70 like when she turns 23 or something I'm 73 I die right she goes to Colorado and I wouldn't just be a great script and she bumps into my other daughter and they don't know like they work together or something they don't know and one of them your last name is Diaz oh my god and what would happen like what would

happen so I fucking ran right downstairs and started fucking writing scenarios and it was great that's the creative channel at least we're getting somewhere doesn't matter what you write as long as you're writing whether it's comedy drama a fucking song trust me I can't write a song to save my fucking I admire those songwriters but that was what was you know going on like I was like Jesus Christ so this is what's going on I have have other things I want to really fucking do with with writing you know I've always been a fan of books I've always read authors and jerked off all over myself you know Steven Steven

Spielberg when I read his books you know Stephen King that you know I've jerked off all over myself I mean you know I look up to authors like fuck you the holy fucking grail and I'm just horrible at it but I've continued to work on it but anyway I teamed up with this guy this guy's a great guy he's a great writer he's not a name writer and this is the problem you have everybody needs a name well so what as long as they're a good fucking writer you know I'm saying the guy's a great writer so what if he hasn't written the show how do you write a great show by fucking taking a chance on a writer and that's what I did the

guy's a great guy we have great conversations he wrote a tremendous pilot you know we sent it to my agency but since everybody's running scared and they're trying to make money off the lowest branch which is fucking the road since I'm not going on the road and because they're scared that you know because I got in trouble last year you know online which I didn't do shit it was a fucking 23 year old story everybody's scared all of a sudden to pitch a TV fucking show so I kind of got it I understand where you're coming from you know you don't want to pitch the TV show but this guy is a great guy

at least let's try to help him so for the last month I've been telling the guy listen I think you're putting too much weight on my agency let's go to your agency and let's do it that way I'm just trying to give the guy listen I feel bad for the guy because we're not getting any help and in my mind I felt like I lied to the guy I told him that my agent would be fucking more than happy to sell this show to him he went out of his way and wrote this fucking beautiful fucking pilot and now we're getting no results from my agency you know and I knew this is gonna happen but I'm not this upset about it you know I

could pick up the phone and yell and threaten and you know please do this or call or I'll leave you to go to another agent I'm to the point in my life I don't want to go to another age I got a guy in New York that's helping me for New York auditions that's why I've been I put another audition down last week for a TV show you know I got a guy over there I don't know what I want to do about the road yet that's all gonna be organic it's not gonna be pushed you know I got the soprano movie coming I just gotta call we gotta take pictures or something you know I have stuff going on but I feel bad for this writer because he's

really busted his hump doing this so we try to talk twice a week you know we make notes on the pilot they wanted him to go a different direction with the pilot and blow up my mom they were like let's take the heat off Joey and let's blow up his mom because times are changing they're looking for shows with strong women now what's better than a strong ethnic woman and he coincidence why they made the equalizer an African-American woman okay then they want to make women strong and ethnic women so we'll take the joey dear story and make it about his mother we had it going he wrote a tremendous fucking

treatment the whole thing he's not getting any response you know there was people at my agency that I used to email just to say hello and they would email me back you know just to check in what I fucking preach I fucking hit them up when the pilot I sent them all pilots all of a sudden they stopped talking to me you know what I could sit here and be upset but I wasn't it's not my world anymore so I'm talking to him on Friday and in fact I even got up text him and said listen I'm gonna talk to you I want I want to talk to you and lay it out for you I went to a park got a fucking car was such a beautiful day out

fucking Friday before the rain came and I walked I walked like a mile just explaining to him what the situation was and what we have to do like we have no love coming from my agents this is a reality this is a reality you know like we got no love coming from the sky after I explained myself for 40 fucking minutes I walked back to my car to get some the drink I'm fucking thirsty I'm still talking to him I get in the car and I go to him so listen reach out to your people and we'll take it from there I'm sorry my people are not reacting in other words I was giving him a way out like listen guy this isn't working you

know I've been telling I've been getting calls from agents and managers since January and I've told them all the same they want to sign me they want to talk to me like I go look I wait till this is all over wait till the pieces settle let's see who's let's see who the last man standing is let's see who's still gonna be standing and then we'll make up our fucking minds but in reality I'm just trying just to figure out everything of where I want to go what my next move is I have an idea I have an idea and I have a plan it's gonna work but this TV thing obviously doesn't look like it's working you know you you have

to have 20 ideas for two of them to work you're not just gonna go at me with one idea it's just gonna work there's a if it doesn't work you need it you know so with me I had like the NFTs a TV show I got the mugs coming by the way the mugs got pushed back again yes the fucking Friday the reason why I had to stay home was from one to three because we were gonna get the mug delivery and I'm fucking I sat here my wife calls my go I've been here for fucking all day the mugs didn't come she goes no we just got an email the fucking mugs got pushed back to like June 15th so I'm sorry if you're waiting for mugs I'll get them to

you before the end of the fucking month anyway so I just pitched this guy 40 minutes on why we should just give this a breather or he should take this to his people I go we got nothing going on here there's nothing here do you know what this guy said to me at the end of the conversation he goes I think I'm gonna I go just move on with it and take it to your people or find somebody else and if I find somebody I'll do the same but what we're beating ourselves up and this is I saw people doing this now like constantly this was something I would do yeah 97 98 99 when I first got there but I haven't lived by that I'm the type of

guy that there no is no move on what are you doing what are you doing they're not gonna help you they don't want to help us what the fuck can you do so he says to I go to him so just take it to your guy okay who's Markey Warburg's guy that took that's a legit guy go that guy could help you I get in the fucking car he says to me can I tell you one thing he goes I think I'm gonna reach out one more time to CAA so right away I'm like what did we just fucking talk about I don't want the fuck that we just talked about for the last hour I just and Danny says to me and I have two other questions for you and I go what

and he goes what character do you see yourself playing and I go none I don't want to be involved in this I just want to be a co-creator and get a check once a week I don't want to be behind the camera I don't want to be on the set with those fucking pedos all fucking day I just don't want to fucking do it I just don't want to fucking do it and then I thought you know after somebody says that to you you're like okay obviously this guy he says to me who do you see playing your mom and I'm like brother if we can't get an agent on the phone well who you see playing my mom so I got off the phone with him and I did a bunch of

stuff and I went out with my wife and then the whole weekend you know Saturday I wake up the fucking four canceled parties except for one kid party but that's not the point of the story the point of story was I thought was that's the desperation that I wanted to get away from who have you thought to play your mom these are the steps that I whenever I would have meetings with people and they would go up to like let's keep it to step one let's get it pitched first let's get dates to pitch it first you know let's get a date with ABC and BC Fox Netflix CBS you know Hulu and then in that room you decide but

until then when why are we getting I remember going to a meeting with a guy but an animated show and he was already talking about stuffed toys to sell we haven't even pitched a fucking show we don't even know what the show is and he already contacted people for fucking stuffed toys to sell stuffed toys and I'm like this is what's called desperation a desperation that I didn't mind leaving a desperation that I left behind years ago and all that desperation that I needed to get out of because this is what it does to your fucking mind who do you see playing your mom are you fucking retarded you can't

even get a guy on the fucking phone why would I even think of why would I mind fuck myself like that and this is what I'm talking about mind fucks mind fucks will take you down quicker than fucking drugs gambling alcoholism don't let yourself get mind fucked especially if you're in the business don't think of plans Z let's just worry about fucking plan a and that's it that's the motherfucking Memorial Day podcast I'm happy you motherfuckers listen I'm gonna go out now and find myself a few barbecues and go enjoy my day and get this week going off on the right foot I don't want you to think because I'm not

smoking lately that I'm not dosing motherfuckers I had a great week last week dosing a few motherfuckers I had a dose my nephew I went up to to North Bergen listen I go up to North Bergen very rarely but when I do go up there I have a great time you know I hate the traffic up there and I hate driving along all you know I never drive past 76th Street I always stick up north I never you know I this week I actually stopped at the fucking cemetery and got spooked again I didn't bring any flowers I just brought one of these little fucking candles I have and I little candle for her and I looked for that

fucking Lomo guy and I couldn't find that cock sucker on Wednesday I'm gonna find them I gave him a fucking yardstick and he didn't never cut my mother's lawn that fucking fuck sorry people I get so fucking pissed at him I'll dare you and then I went up to fucking see my nephew Nick I had to drop some edibles on him he dropped a fucking edible on Mikey chick and he dropped an edible on my man Tony from roses let me tell you something roses delicatessen in North Bergen is so fucking good because of my weight watches and my fucking you know little faggy point system I you know I like last time I was like the one I

first went up there he's got some sausage and pepper empanadas that'll push on a different fucking planet you understand me he's got a fucking Italian sandwich like a prosciutto salami on wet mutsudal with the bread that'll make you fucking salivate like a fucking Momo you understand that's how good he's got wise potato chips he's got all this shit that'll fucking kill me that I fucking love you know I grew up at hashways so I never went to Rose now hashways is dead and I don't feel so good myself roses is on fucking fire so I went up there I saw one of my brothers I had him meet me there I wanted to give him a little

fucking reefer and a couple edibles and I gave my nephew the heavy-duty ABX I gave him like three and I think like three or four and he gave him around to Mikey chick and Tony and shit like that but when I was sitting there I was looking at the fucking menu do you know they have a roast beef with wet mutsudal with fucking gravy that my brother was eating that I felt like grabbing his hand and eating the whole sandwich and his fucking hand it looks so fucking good but I know that between the cheese I'll be constipated and the fucking you know sitting there I'll be fucking I can't eat that shit because

I'm so fucking guilty I'm such a half a fucking fruitcake anymore that but I just want to let you guys know I'm not a half a fruitcake I'm still dosing motherfuckers with three hands you understand me my nephew called me that night telling me that fucking he had a call his friend is to pick him up at the mall because he couldn't drive home I'm like I did my job I've made my I made his day I love you motherfuckers have a great day have a happy memorial day I'm sorry if the weekend was shitty my weekend was not shitty I just a it was fucking rain that's it who gives a fuck COVID is over you were free to go

out you were free to fucking barbecue with an umbrella you know it was all up to you it's so crazy COVID is like fucking when I was in the halfway house when I went to the fucking that it's the truth man I hear that one let me tell you what happened there's restaurants all around here and there's restaurants half hours from here and I was from here I told you about that restaurant it's like a half hour from my house I love it it's called the fucking doesn't matter they have the fucking they have the the prime rib sandwich there so I'm always scared when I go there because one time I went there like in fucking January and

there was a line out the door and COVID and then it was fucking 40 degrees hot whatever the fuck it's called it's great the prime rib sandwich is great so when I got my COVID shot I went there and treated myself to the fucking me and my buddy went there and got the the brass rail and got the prime rib sandwich all with a little horseradish cream on it when you yourself a baked potato with no for or you just get the salad I get the salad but it's tremendous either way so every time I somebody invites me there I'm always scared because it's gonna be fucking packed so I went when I went there with my man Frank D and I was

Thursday night me having this kid when it was the boys night out and then his wife his daughter my wife and my daughter went to a different restaurant they had pizza and shit like that but when I got there I had a mask on and the owner looked at me and he goes do me a favor I go what he goes take that fucking thing off I go thank you I go fuck he goes COVID is dead in Jersey I go I thought it was Friday morning goes nah I just decided it was tonight okay so I sat down I had my little prime rib side my little fucking fried Diablo and as I'm walking out he goes how was everything I go it's pretty good thank you for always

and I go hey man come this fucking place is impact right now it's 90 degrees the sun is out I go you're fucking balcony is empty what the fuck is going on here and he's like you know last Thursday you couldn't even fart in here he goes it was packed wall-to-wall I had to throw people out I couldn't let him sit you know people wanted he goes I even had people that came with outside drinking he goes I was scared I was gonna get in trouble but he goes not they lifted the band you know when it's like we're kids when we get punished we need to get out we need to get out now that we lift the band nobody wants to go out I'll just

eat at home so it's so weird COVID's like the halfway house when I was in the halfway house I wasn't allowed to do coke and it's all I ever wanted to fucking do right you're not allowed to do drugs all day you're walking along I can't wait to do drugs I can't wait to do drugs once they restrict that once they lifted that I didn't walk around and want to do drugs anymore so it's the same fucking thing with our mind with COVID like they didn't let us out now they're letting us out we're like I'll fucking pass anyway I love you motherfucker have a great week it's a beautiful day to be alive enjoy the rest of your

Memorial Day hopefully you guys didn't get rained on your beautiful week and no matter what it was a great weekend and it's gonna be an even better week have a great week I love you cocksuckers thank you for all the support and we'll see you fucking Wednesday we'll see you in June cocksucker love you stay black and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors all right you dirty cocksuckers I want to thank you for being a part of Memorial Day I was gonna do a whole fucking you know Memorial Day thing don't worry the day is still young I might surprise you today so keep your eyes open on Instagram and all that shit I

gotta get a little fucking Nate Navy suit and give you a little fucking attention in a little national anthem but before I go I want to give a word out to our beautiful sponsors listen the join is brought to you by blue chew blue chew is tremendous okay blue chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and see Alice at a fraction of a price the process is simple you sign up at bluetooth.com you speak to one of the licensed medical providers and bang bang boom once you're approved you receive your prescription within days the good thing about blue chew is you could take

it anytime day or night just chomp on it you're gonna love it the best part of it's all online no visits to the doctor no awkward conversations you don't have to fucking get browbeat by the doctor and you don't have to go to pharmacy and wait online and then they know about your fucking problems and pharmacists always women so they give you that fucking look like you're fucking weak sack of shit no no no no no more go to blue chew.com right now use promo code Joey and I'm gonna hook you up this month it ships right to your door in a discrete package and the mailman don't know dick blue chew tablets are made in

the U S of A they're prepared and shipped directly to your door and it's way cheaper than the pharmacy and the doctor and all that bullshit if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to sling dick blue chew can help we have a special going for you this week all right this right now what this week I'm gonna give you blue chew for free Joey what are you talking about free free free when you use promo code Joey a check out I'm just gonna let make you pay five bucks for shipping what the fuck beggars can't be choosy you got to pay for some cock suckers that's blue chew.com promo code Joey to receive your

first month free and as always I want to thank blue chew for sponsoring the joint but let me tell you something they're phenomenal from time to time Uncle Joey's 58 I got to give mama stabbing and I take a little blue chew I wait 30 seconds and next thing you know I'm like John Claude Van Dam and they're not really I'm just telling you this to make yourself look better but I love blue chew so give it a shot go to blue chew.com right now and use promo code Joey the joint is also brought to you by magnesium breakthrough you guys know I have a hard time with sleep I have not been and I can't take fucking

crazy shit because I got sleep apnea so I got to watch what I take somebody turned me on my agent Fanny turned me on to magnesium breakthrough and it has changed my life and now they're a part of the show and I'm happy I could bring it to you I've tried everything from teas to Michael Jackson dust but the one thing that remains a constant in my life is magnesium magnesium breakthrough is taking me deep into murky waters of dreamland like I talked about on the podcast now with a no-refer or whatever now I'm really sleeping to what why should be that's why I'm looking better that's why I'm losing weight magnesium

is a tremendous mineral no is it help you sleep it reduces stress helps maintain a regular heartbeat it boosts your immunity and most importantly it lowers coat quarters all that fucking that is the worst that's when you start getting that big fat ball behind your neck I don't need that shit most people are magnesium deficient and that's not good either you can't eat enough fucking spinach magnesium breakthrough works fast just pop two capsules before you go to bed in 30 minutes you'll be sleeping like a fucking baby I sleep better and I wake up feeling tip-top magoo every day plus I'm more relaxed and I'm at peace

during the day this is what you guys are seeing this is magnesium breakthrough is a full spectrum it's the only organic supplement that includes seven unique forms of magnesium quality magnesium is key most magnesium supplements only use two cheapest synthetic forms not magnesium breakthrough I'm still recovering from knee surgery and aside from the PT and eating right the best thing I could do to heal and to get strong is to sleep when the body needs to and that's what we're doing with magnesium breakthrough sleep right to avoid disease and to lose weight do me a favor don't sleep on this offer right

now for the joint family go to mag breakthrough dot com slash show you again mag MAG breakthrough break and through one word dot com slash Joey use Joey tender and check out to save 10% okay again mag breakthrough dot com use code Joey 10 to save 10 and tell him Uncle Joey sent you and tell the same man to suck your dick I love you motherfuckers with all my heart I want to thank magnesium breakthrough I want to thank blue chew dot com but I also want to thank you guys for supporting and having my back have a great Memorial Day I salute you motherfuckers with all my heart and I'll see you guys Wednesday

tip-top motherfucking magoo stay black there you go cock suckers have a great day you