Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/01/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #93

Episode Date: July 2, 2013

Comedian Lahna Turner calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is brought to you by HULU PLUS. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community South Park, SNL and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Crank that motherfucker, Lee. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Monday, July 1st. This is it. Take the firecrackers, the fucking bazookas, get the sparklers, shove them up pussy. Let's do this shit. It's Monday, motherfuckers. Oh shit. Baby, nothing else matters. Nothing matters, you motherfuckers. Get up. Crank that motherfucker, Lee. What did he say this morning on

Facebook? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Are you fucking, who gives a fuck about sparklers? Are you kidding me or what? This is Stevie Nicks taking a fucking heavy duty. What's happening, Lee Syat? I'm fucking feeling awesome, man. I know you are, Cox. I could just sleep last night. I actually did. I actually, I took a little bit of nap. Yeah, we took it to the murky waters in the one. We gave you a breather this week and we gave you a passing. What do you mean you gave me a breather? Fucking pass again, you got, Cox. Okay. I didn't get a pass. I had four edibles in 24 hours. Who gives a fuck? I do. I had 19 of them in 24 hours because that's how you know. And you were just as fucked up. I had a respect for San Jose. I had a great time up there.

Thank you very much, San Jose, improv in the city of San Jose. You motherfuckers are crazy this week and I loved it. Savages. You're out. You're bringing edibles, fucking those goomy bears. Or the strongest goomy bears, Peter Lonzo and those motherfuckers. Goddamn. Three in a pack, 260 milligrams. Is that how much it was? Yeah. Jesus. Each fucking goomy slice was 100 milligrams. I had two of ash. Last night I had two of them. And you opened up with something heavy. We gave you something heavy. You gave me a brownie. Brownie. Friday night. Friday night. Good. Thanks to Auntie Dolores for showing up. She's in LA this week doing some demos. She's going to call in on Wednesday and talk about this 500 milligram fucking

Auntie Dolores. We had some chibo chews. We had a fucking chocolate. It was a wasca. Chocolate wasca. Somebody gave us. I mean, it was deep up there. They fucking around up there in San Jose. And then someone brought us flan. And then somebody bought us flan. They were fucking delicious. And it was just a great weekend. That original Joe's and you know, it was just too fucking much. Los Goomies. That's the name of the company. Los Goomies. If you see them up there, buy them the fuck out because they will kick your fucking ass. The shows are great. The attendance people. I love you. You know, everything went well. We had Lee up there having a good time meeting people. Oh my gosh. Yes. Saturday night. Listen, people. Last week I was tortured and fucking leave the

edibles and somebody is fucking email me wanting me to shoot him. And I got a couple of emails saying leave Lee alone. It's his right not to eat edible. Some fucking Harvey Homo hit me up. We tell you something. I was getting Lee ready for what he was going to face. Because they don't fuck around up in San Jose. And that's why I was picking on fucking Lee last week to get his resistance higher because you guys don't fuck around. I almost owed even San Francisco. This is me that eats all the time. So I knew I didn't want you up there because what if I lose you? What if I fucking lose you? You might get lost. It could have happened. The past two nights going to dinner, I just walked around. Yeah, it could have fucking happened. This is what I'm

saying to you. I'm not bullshitting nobody, but I always knew Lee's a sweet guy and I'm trying to take Lee Maker. I'm like that guy. I'm in Goodfellas with Henry Hill when the fucking guy got shot and Henry was giving him towels. And he says to him, I got to toughen this fucking kid up. That's how I feel with you. But no one, some people offered it to me and you were the only one making me do it. You made it seem like they were going to force me to do it. You were the only one backstage. I just took a gummy bear and you're like, I didn't see it. Here's another one and fucking, oh my god. You got to let the pigeons loose. You're on vacation. How are you going to act if your fucking rims ain't clean? People send me pictures and my eyes were shut. Fucked up. That's the way

you didn't know. The one night you were like a pinball, just walking around the whole country. I was. We went back. What did you get that night? You got the fellow Cheney Alfredo. Nobody ordered the Cheney Alfredo. Last night, I couldn't. It was too hot to eat. Oh, let me tell you. We went out with Eddie Bravo. His buddy came from Georgia. I was sitting next to his buddy and he had the butter next to him for 20 minutes before our food came. I had a piece of bread, but no butter. And I was just staring and I'm like, I hope he passes that butter soon. And it took me like 20 minutes to like, I was just like, hey man, can you pass the butter? How good was original Joe's? It was good, but I couldn't move. How many bowls of spaghetti did I eat in original Joe's with those

fucking salads? Five times. We went five times in like three days. Fucking good to those tomatoes, look at those salads. Oh, they were huge. Fucking, you know, original. Listen, they're these restaurants like the Palms and stuff like that Morton's. They're great food. And when you go in there, you got to, you know, on one thing, you know, you got a great fucking steak, those horseradish mashed potatoes of the lift. Delicious. The halibut I had last week was delicious. The fucking, I mean, anything you go in those restaurants, but then America also has this other brand, the restaurant, they're a little level below under. It's a blue collar type of mentality. But it's an institution. It's an institution. I used to go to original Joe's in 85 in the tenderloin, where you had to move

a fucking body over to get in there. And I forget what our waiter's name was. It was little Mr. Lee. He was a little Asian guy. And we always got the same things, but getting meatballs with a sausage and another Irish man, we'd split it. Yeah. And it's huge portions. Fucking huge. I didn't, I didn't get meatballs. No, you didn't. You notice I didn't touch the meatballs or the meat fucking sausage or nothing. I'm, you know, fuck that shit. I'm 50 fucking years old. Look, Gandolfine, you can't clog up the fucking arteries. That red lead will kill you. Red lead. Yeah. Red lead, that sauce that they put, you can't fucking have that after 50. That shit will kill you. Speaking of the best thing I had there was that pork sandwich. Oh my God. And you didn't put no

crystal hot sauce. They didn't have any or I didn't fucking Tabasco at these places. Everything calls for something different. Tabasco, you can't put it on fucking everything. There's sometimes crystal works on rice and beans. Crystal's the fucking best. Then there's that Frank's Red Devil. That's a tight fucking second. I'll put some of that in a pork sandwich on that bread. How good was the fucking bread there? It was amazing. It's amazing. The whole experience, you know, we've seen, they got like these little restaurants in the area. I just like everything about fucking San Jose, but this is why I like going on the road. I'm tired. I'm tired today. Like, I'm happy I have a pretty open schedule this week because of the 4th of July. So

Thursday's the 4th. That's it. Yeah, it's kind of fucked. This sounds like a comedian's joke, but it's true. I woke up today. I was like, shut up to pay rent today. It's always fucked up on the first, but it's a shitty day. But today's my 28th anniversary of what? Of me leaving New Jersey for the time when I said that's it. Really with your buddy that just passed away? No, this is June. This is July 1st of 85 when I got on the fucking plane with 18 grand. And I said, I'm headed to Grand Junction. I'm headed to Colorado Springs on the plane. Some black guy convinced me to move into Boulder. He's like, don't go to Colorado Springs. No motherfucking army town. You don't have to be going up against soldiers. Go to

fucking Boulder. And that's what I did. And it's so weird. I was thinking about, yes, I wrote a chapter about it in a book about those two days. That I how I knew that I was leaving. You know, you're a very sweet guy, but you always say that you should not stay in your hometown. I don't think it's good. And I have an argument that says that there's a lot of things that don't work for a lot of people. There's a lot of people that don't do well in that area. You and I both know you got to get the fuck out and then at least to leave, at least to leave and then come back to see what you saw. There's a lot of people that won't see don't do that in their life. They just sit there and they complain about nothing's happening

in their life, but they don't make it happen. And that's fine too. I got a lot of respect for that too. There's something, you know, you know, I have, I have, you know, it's like people said, aren't you scared? The mafia's going to come look for you. The mafia goes to Miami, Atlantic City. That's what they fucking know. They don't know nothing outside of New York. There's people that don't know nothing outside of New York. They don't know nothing outside of California. There's people who've never been on a plane, you know, shit like that. So you can't expect a lot of people to get up and leave. For me, I had no option. I knew that for me to do something with my life. I had to get out of that area. At that time, I was very stupid and naive. I thought that drugs

were always only in New York. Really? I knew they were in Colorado, but for some reason, the back of my mind, I always thought that if I left New York, I'd get away from the drugs. New York has a certain accessibility. What that means is me and you could be here doing a podcast at 4 a.m., and I could say to you, in those days, I don't know what it's like now, I could say to you, let's go get a rock of coke at 4 on the street. See, in that way, I could go get a rock of coke till 2. I know certain people who sell coke till 2 or 3.30. But not on any night of the week, I could go to April. You feel like doing something? Let's go get a fucking gram and write a fucking podcast. So where the fuck it is? So I always thought in the back of my mind, that was my

excuse. If I could just get out of here, I'll go through drugs and I won't steal because there's no drugs. That was the nucleus. It wasn't the nucleus. But I still remember getting on the fucking plane that day and thinking that I'm going to leave my friends. Just the thought of leaving your friends and the people. But at that time, my friends wanted me to leave. It was to the point where we love you, we're backing you, but that's it. Give it a fucking breather. You've tormented this soul. At that time, I had that Joel looking for me. I was going to say because my Godfather looking for me. I had my stepfather looking for me. It was just too much. And that wasn't, it's crazy when I sit here and look you straight in the face. That wasn't what made me

leave. I didn't give a fuck about that. I could handle that. Remember, I was hiding from these people two towns over. So it's like, you're looking for me in Studio City and I'm hiding in fucking Encino. You could have found me if you really wanted to. You really, really wanted to find me. If I was looking for you, I'd find you. A couple questions. A couple of Chinese restaurants. That's all you had to hit in those days was a Chinese restaurant. Eventually I'd show up. If it was a good Chinese restaurant. So it's very weird. I respect people staying in the area, but it also takes a certain balls. But I also applaud you for leaving because now when you come back, you have something strong to come back to. You know, you want to come back.

The thing I didn't like about leaving, the thing I didn't like about the services, I had three or four friends that joined the service and they came back more retarded. They came back like scared. Really? Like the first time after basic training that I would see them, they were telling me how great it was that I was ready to go kill fucking people, this and this. And then they come back and they go AWOL. I had like two or three friends that went AWOL and then they got it early, whatever, you know, because it wasn't what they fucking expected or whatever I understand. But I had a couple other friends that just left and they'd be back in six fucking months. And they tell you, oh, Thanksgiving, you know, that Thanksgiving

when everybody comes back, they were big shots. They came back with a suntan. You know, oh my god, I'm so different. I ride a bicycle every day, you know, whatever the fuck they went. Now they're back. Yeah, I knew when I was going to leave, I wasn't going to be the one of those guys. I didn't want to come back with a story. You know, I was the thing that killed me the most in 84, out of hanging out in those days was I had no, no, no home. I had nowhere to go. Yeah. So I would do different things to kill time till the cocaine showed up at nine o'clock, eight o'clock. And I found myself going to football games, high school football game. And I'll tell you that nothing that bothers me more than that shit. Like older students who come back with their old

denim and jackets. They're already out of college. It kills me. Yeah. And I would sit there at the games and people go, hey, how are you doing? It would destroy me to even be at these fucking games. Yeah. You know, in front of these high school kids, it would eat me alive. And they won the States that year. And all the parties were football based. And I felt like such a fucking loser going to those things. It just tore me up, you know? Yeah. So it was this fuel. When I left there, I was fucking leaving. You know, I was leaving. And so we that that was 28 years ago, that was the first step I made in doing something for myself. And now you don't even like going back, you're back for like a day or two. It's 30 years later, it's 28 years later. And the back of your

mind, do you want it to be? How will you left it? You know, sometimes I get high at nine, I'm writing, and I'm listening to music with my earphones. And I said to myself, you know what, doesn't really matter. Because someday I'm gonna pack my bag and go back. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the back of my soul, I think that nothing has changed. That next pizzeria is still there. And hashways are still there. Lube is going to pick me up. And I'm going to go to Joe and Mary's. Those days are over. Yeah. The 80 people, I hung out with eight of them, the fucking left in that area. And everybody else is 60 or 50, whatever the fuck they are. But for some reason, there's just a little part of my soul that thinks that that's my comfort zone that

someday I could just walk away from this from doing a podcast and stand up and the wife and the kid and just go back to my own label. And that's never going to be the same. Yeah. And I start to great mind fuck, you know, you still got to mind fuck yourself from time to time to make it to the next day. Absolutely. The reason why I don't like it, not because of the way the other people are, but I just know me like I wouldn't be if I stayed home and was working at a local TV station and still hanging out with my high school friends, they would drive me nuts. So like for people who do it, there's nothing wrong with it. Just for me. And I think for you too, it's like it would drive you nuts. Well, at 50, I learned something that I didn't know that I love evolution. I love to

evolve. Yeah, you got to fucking evolve. You got to think a new shit, you know, that should have stayed in that area. Just something about man, I just, and I love my friends you hear, I talk to them, I talk to all of them. I just knew for me to live, I had to get the fuck out of it. Yeah, for me to move, you know. And you always say like you don't think if you hadn't stopped Coke, you wouldn't have lived this long. If you had stayed in Jersey, would you have made it like what age do you think you would have made it to 32? Really? That's it 32 33. And how old were you when you left? Maybe 23 24. Okay, maybe so it wasn't like another six months or something but it was no. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I would have stayed, I would have got killed

within a year. I would have got Oh yeah, I would have bumped into somebody who would have sent me up. Yeah, I was already fucking up. But let's say I would have moved to Northern New Jersey He ain't got a job as a plumber's helper. Yeah, I would have died by the time I was 32 between the heartache and the drugs It would have fueled it. I This was the best that happened because I started doing something for myself Mm-hmm. See when you start the other day I talked about Being alone once you realize you're alone and makes your life a lot easier You know those people that go off my fucking friend Lisa. Yeah, there's not in California. I'll go out there

He'll hook me up. You know sleep on his couch. No, he won't No, he won't. It's a nice idea in your heart that he would you know, but you know, he won't you have to assume that he won't Yeah, you have to assume that you're gonna go out there and you're gonna fucking go from bus to bus And you're gonna fucking suffer in the heat and you know, you know I was told a buddy in my Thursday and the system law was moving from It's a it's a good New York. I'm sorry for bourbon and You know, she had no car We were talking about how fucking hard it's gonna be to make it happen out here without a fucking car

Oh, it's impossible cuz you need a fucking car and at first to get an apartment without a car and I go, you know Get ready to be a fucking chauffeur, you know for a couple weeks and he goes I know and I'm busy with my own life And buh-buh-buh this is big out here, but it was if I wouldn't have left I Don't know where I'd be right now. I don't know what I really don't like I don't see that. I didn't see that option that yeah, I Stalled my life. I kept doing little things like I would be a brick mason I would do all these little jobs just to buy me time to get the fuck out of it because once I knew I was leaving I was not coming back. I ate all the Chinese food. I could I do all the fucking carvel

I could the Entomans I could because once I left I knew I wasn't coming back I took me six years to come back and I missed it, you know, and I talked to my friends The hardest part wasn't surviving or getting a job the hardest part was living without them You know, that was the hardest part for me at that age until this day. I miss him. I miss my friends I'm just very good at putting things aside. Yeah, I'm very good at knowing what the fuck This is what needs to be done to make this happen. Yeah, I love my friends and ha ha ha and I wish I was there We could jump up and down and go to shore But that's not what you really need to be done here and that's a difference. That's how I did it then so

It's tremendously some music. What the fuck. I'm sorry. It's Monday We got a light a little candle for your fucking spirits who's ever out there. You got to send them some fucking love a little Tony Bennett What's the story of they put some fucking music on? What are you doing looking at me for your smokes and deep dope and y'all Next time I'll interrupt you with any blood. I'm in the middle of a deep story And he messes me up with the Tony Bennett. I want to be around Are you kidding me or what Get up Wash your feet. It's a beautiful day. It's gonna be hot put some powder in your ass

Gonna be a 90 fucking eight degrees in the valley. Oh, or wherever you're at. It's June. It's July 1st. It's humid What's what's what's what the fucking interlude you with the music music on? Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company I Mean I want to be around happy fucking Canada day today to all you Canadians who listen to the podcast You know, I love you. I give you tons of love. I can't go up there because I got fucking problems But I'm up there to watch Moses Sometimes you see me walking around the streets of Toronto up on the blue fucking street that blurring young whatever this

Smoking reefer trying to get my pole sucked at a fucking strip club Fucking Lee, so let me tell you how sweet Lee is so We get this guy butch ask a bottle Butch for you sweetheart of a guy. He's great great guy great funny guy had some great jokes about this kid So we're talking about you know, he's like, yeah, listen to the podcast Lee when he's gonna get a fart to the face So he's telling me about this chick that'll put hot water in your asshole It's not putting it's it's spitting it. Okay, so he's talking about getting Asian massages So you're imagine a massage table. You're up on your knees and your butts in the air

There's little girl spits hot water into your butthole and she makes you squeeze it back out into her mouth and then you want to kiss her and Joey butch and butch's father were falling over in their chairs at the restaurant because I don't want to have hot water in my asshole And it's just like I deal with people Everybody likes hot water Like this fucking guy when you were kidding they put hot water in your asshole. No, you don't know So here's where it gets better so me butch or whatever We're gonna go with the chick didn't call them back. So finally butch calls me to smash it and call it back

Oh, let me see if Lee wants to even get his dick cycle Lee at the hotel room like five o'clock on Saturday Lee get ready one I weigh up. You never heard so much stuttering But but my I believe that you will take a shower. Yes. Yeah, but my ass is dirty now It's like I say no Come up and put hot water in here. It's like she can't she's got it What's the first thing? When I told him that the hookers will bring her up because my room's dirty This is how I didn't say that I said told you later in the night that I had cleaned up just in case

Because I cleaned up and made his bed. I did I was worried I got a fucking deal. I'm happy listen Lee I love you that you are the sweetest fucking guy in the world and that proved it When you made the bed for the hooker, you're gonna give the hooker a buck and a half Who gives a fuck of the bet is made? Fuck on a dirty floor on a better glass. I don't give a fuck. I couldn't do that nails. You are the sweetest Ladies if you listen to this podcast and you're getting tired of getting kicked in the head Dealing with guys to cheat on you. Don't give your presence. Do me a favor fucking hit Lee up with a Twitter message or

Facebook, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart cuz you know what you women complain complain complain But you're a fucking bunch of fucking idiots because of your choices and you know what I'm saying You make dumb fucking choices and then you complain that the fucking guy and you know it when you're with him and you hang out You keep fucking around Like a momo and here's Lee single his shit. This guy made his bed for a fucking hooker Yeah, and this do you know what he would do for you? He'd rub your feet fucking I would he wants hot water in his ass. No, I don't this is what I'm talking about ladies Lee is right here If you're right here, if you leave shut the fuck up. I don't need a parrot

All right, I'm right here. Do you know what do you know what the worst part about it was what I Kept trying to imagine how the hot water would get up there cuz it mines like mine is not loose It's tight. How's she gonna get it up there? She don't put a straw like it's all I kept thinking about is how does it get up there? And this is for everything people This is for everything this guy can't cross the street without overthinking fucking everything The other night something happened. He told told me that I'm looking at him going would you fucking leave it alone? We're not even like the hotel. He's like I'm bringing a microphone to doing a podcast. I go listen Just stop it

Stop it. He's like this for fucking everything. He overthinks. I'm a Jew. Whatever everything he over fit. Oh my god That day he called back. What is she gonna blow it up my ass? Why? Why would somebody do something like that? I can't believe it. Who gives a fuck Lee? You got to live a little this was only the beginning Well, I'm taking it easy on you leave because I know That you'll be like that little retarded boy one of those movies. He saw something remember that movie with Harrison Ford and the chick No, it was a little fucking Amish boy and he saw a crime and also he got they become retarded even denaro Denaro and and godfather too in the beginning. He sees the fucking

Mafia boy shoot his mother with a shotgun and his brother. He gets a little retarded They put an L silent and he goes into shock if I take you to a full night of Joey Diaz love You're gonna go in the shock and I can't have that. I'm sure you know your mouth's gonna be open You know and I don't need that. I love you to death. I'm gonna take you when I have a good time But it's gotta be slowly literally. Yeah, I'm ready to go on the road over you can't fucking handle it You couldn't handle San Jose and butch Escobar with some chick blowing hot water in your ass We're gonna do when you I take you to Phoenix. What are you gonna do when I take you to Texas? They just tie you up and take you to some Japanese sucky sucky house with fucking with those people

What are those people? They just mugging human trafficking Jesus Christ. What are you gonna do when I can't take you to Texas? You'll die. Well, what if one of these fucking crazy cowboys take you to get your dick suck with a human trafficking house in Dallas? And you got to get your dick sucked by some chick crying with burn marks on the fucking back and shit. Well, how you gonna act? You can't you're not ready. I don't think that would happen There's no way I could take you to Boston to the city places. We're taking you from the nice area in Boston Where everybody's nice they jump up and down and they go see DJs with Jews. You're not going anywhere You barely leave the hotel talking about what you say that you had to get me ready for San Jose The only person to have me do stuff in San Jose was you I smoked a couple of joints with other people

But you were like hey dog like if you saw me without an edible in my mouth you like here's another edible You know that walk to the hotel Yeah, all I had to do was send you the other way at that club and they would have taken you and it would have been all Right now, but the posters of you all over San Jose giggling with your eyes closed Last seen on the corner fucking pf. Chang's cuckucker You understand me so relax you have no idea what murky waters. I'm gonna take you into you're no fucking idea You couldn't even take Santa. I can't go to sleep. Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't say that I was fucking stabbing the heart in West Palm Beach. Why take my best Palm Beach

And they're still we're fucking Jews down there. They'll still stab me in the heart those Jews are treacherous They're like Liberace. They're treacherous. Those Jews are treacherous. They'll fuck around on ain't these fucking little West Coast Jews They'll fucking make a fool out of you next thing. You know, you're being Hong Kong Serving cocktails at a fucking Jew club with a skirt on telling people your name is machina with some shit The fuck is it Jew club? Sure, they got Jew clubs in Hong Kong. Oh, no, they don't there's not a single Jew in Hong Kong I'm what you want to make a fucking bet. They got Jew clubs in Hong Kong people jumping around. They got schmets in there I don't fucking know

Schmets is get some music for me. What's absolutely it's like we figure out that make it juices any bodily function Let me tell you something to mean to your breath. Oh, we got a call man. You're lucky. Yes, sir What's going on a lot of Turner Good morning, Kelly. How are you? You know me you sexy bitch. What's going on in your world? Good good, we need you up. How is it down there by you? Is it hot yet? Not yet. It's gonna be it's gonna be really hot today, right? I don't fucking know because yesterday was supposed to be really hot They just broke that the clouds came out and it just broke I stopped sweating and

Then I went out last night for a little while. It wasn't that warm up We went to Palm Springs yesterday, we were crazy. That was ridiculous. How hot is it in Palm Springs? It was like 120. It was crazy But but it was it was one of Hootie mama's bucket list, you know, you know, Tony, right? Tony our old neighbor Tony Yeah, yeah, the Arabian guy Yeah, we took Hootie mama out there cuz she's our teacher mom is our dog and she's not feeling too well at least So I figured that was one of her bucket list to visit with gay Tony. So you went over there and she had him

She had a little time So you call him gay Tony? Sometimes I love that people are never Gay Tony, it's a it's hysterical how sometimes I used to hang out with Martin the fag Whenever I say that people get mad. That was his name. That was a street name Martin the fag in Spanish my dingham, Maricón That was his fucking street name. So people got pissed off and I don't that's I still ask people you talked to Martin the fag lately. No, we haven't Get mad over things. I

Saw this matter being called a fag or a faggy or probably a fag or a fag and not in the gay sense, you know, no, no, you're right No, it's just weird that people get insulted that I remember saying that name in front of somebody once And they pulled me aside after when they say, you know, you're trying to do things in Hollywood You shouldn't refer to that person. I go, but that's that's his fucking name Martin the fag That's what they call them growing up a k a my thing in Maricón if he was in the Spanish store Maricón means fucking fag in Spanish. What are you gonna do? I can't get married. Well, who cares if somebody's gay or not? It doesn't matter. No, I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I'm over here smoking dope with three hands Who cares if you're gay or you're not?

What's going on a lot of time you take the special one turn out. I tell you what my favorite thing about you is I must have I fucking whatever you call that googled you about a year and a half ago somebody goes Have you seen one of China's album cover? I go, what are you talking about? They go look at the launcher and they go look her pussies. I go dog She's a mom. I'll pussy and I think yeah, but it's covered with a guitar like Eric Clapton or something So I go with the thing and there's your album cover with a guitar. You got pale thighs very nice thighs for a Jew, bro And you're a fucking savage I like it now you tape another special and I actually gonna do that the same type of vein for the album cover and you're like fuck

Yeah, tell me about it. Yeah, I'm probably well, we haven't actually finished the album cover, but Probably along the same lines, you know, I mean, I'm not I'm not naked on it I'm wearing I got this crazy dress for this special. It's Like a red leather dress kind of When I tried on I was like, this is totally Eddie Murphy, you know from when he used to the whole red leather outfit and So I it's like but it's a dress and it's long sleeve and it's really it's really cool And I'm wearing that and I'm posing kind of Sit and kind of like if we use that cover, I'll be sitting

Looking sort of oblivious like I'm playing for a live audience completely unknowing that I'm flashing the entire room and then the album Cover that like the title will be across my couch because that's just where it belongs. But um, yeah, I mean I'm really excited about the specials. I Went really really well. We did it in Vegas and really excited. How long was it an hour? Yeah, it's an hour. How long did it take you to work on it? To get an hour together. Yeah Well, I mean I've been doing stand-up for gosh like over 14 years now, so I'd say it Say that long, you know, I mean you work on that particular hour for

You know months before just trying to hone it But I mean I've been trying to get that material together for years So the challenge now is getting the new the new hour together, you know it's amazing how much work you have to put into it and It's amazing when you go headlining the town you do an hour blah blah blah, but when you're gonna do a special You really want to even you want to fucking tone it down to the word, you know, like you have to really have it down to the word Yeah, I mean I was really nervous But it was so much fun to do and now I mean and now I don't think it'll take as long to write a new hour

Because you can't you know what you're doing now, you know When you first started takes a lot longer to get that time together Well, you know, it's like they say the your first album is always the best one because you've been working all your life to it It's a second album. That's a motherfucker like Cheryl Crowe and a lot of musicians The second album is always rough because they have to write it on the road while they turn the first one And that's what we do after a while like we just tore the old shit and throw in 15 minute increments in there until you get a New one and then once you come up with the album, but it's so fucking hard It's so hard yet then again so easy somebody called me about a

Month ago and said that they hadn't done comedy for a while and that they had to offer Weekend New Orleans or something and they said what can I do Joey? Do you know and I go? Well, you know, I think if you sit there every day for an hour with a with a notebook Every day and take one day a week off after 90 days, you'll have a ton of shit and there's some days you're not gonna get anything But there's some days you're gonna get a ton of shit so it makes up for it, you know, do you feel the same way Lana? Yeah, that's one degree. I mean, I feel like Comedy kind of comes in spurts. I mean, yeah, if you're sitting there every day, you know, like you said, well, it won't be great every day So I don't know sometimes finding the time sometimes just to sit down and do that is almost impossible

I mean everything else in life is kind of going on around you at the same time I know for me, it's so hard to find an hour a day because I've got two little kids and and a third big kids kind of So, oh, yeah, you gotta you gotta fucking two children. That's hard. They're too. They're two little savages You gotta be on top of them. Oh, they're crazy. They're great for material though. August is They're calling it was coming up with stuff, but it's like You really have to I would have to make carve time out for me, which I think is every mom's complaint, right? But you too Yeah, I leave here now and I have it till 11 o'clock, you know, I have it today till 10 and

It's weird how I have a couple hours here and there, but I have to do everything now in those few hours It's not like the old days where I had from 8 to 6 to see I don't have that luxury no more You know, yes and no, I mean I don't know, you know, yes and no not much But it's just she keeps it's amazing what she's done in the sense of Like I said, I got five hours now to make it happen in the old days I used to have ten now I got five if an audition isn't that five hours that counts So that means I can't write that day if I gotta go to doctor's office and audition and I gotta go see somebody

I'm fucked to the day. I really don't write, you know, you know how it is and that's what I understand That's what you're saying that that's the tough thing is making time We got to take an hour off your sleep schedule get up an hour earlier So that that's what sucks is it's it's amazing how we used to be just young comics years ago Lana Turner that we lived in an apartment and we wrote now We're comics with lives so You gotta fucking make it happen

Like I got kids now. I got the cats, you know, you're trying to work out because you're 50 you want to stay in shape You know, and that's what I do with the baby in the morning's line. I take her for a walk. That's it I put her in the carriage. I take her for a walk. What am I gonna do? I'm not gonna write jokes there in the afternoon. You can just watch so many episodes of fucking SpongeBob before you snap Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I mean she can be your kettlebell. You can toss her around and she's fucking heavy Yeah, I'm calling her around hurts my knee and hurts my back like at the end of the day. I'm like fuck. What did I do today? Oh, I hold her around today

That's so funny and you still travel right? I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't I wouldn't want to be back in that apartment I love having having the kids and I mean, I think they add a lot to it It makes it harder for sure, but it's definitely I Never wanted kids and I never like kids and I never thought I'd have them, but you know, it turns out they're pretty awesome Make it work, I guess. What's the name of your podcast long the top hundred the top cut? Oh It's the perfect 10 the perfect 10 and when do you when do you release it Lana? Every Wednesday, so every Wednesday, okay Now we got this fuck after you release them twice a week is some shit somebody told me

No, no, no just want to weekend. It's the 10 because we're not me and I can't it's all joke You know, and we stand side by side we look like the number 10 so And it just comes out of one thing, but it's a little different like what we do is we we try and find something out about The people that we interview that nobody else would ever have heard of or known So because ideas that I think anybody whether it's your neighbor or The guy across the street or whatever you're somebody you've met that they're all gonna have a Facebook page There's gonna be something interesting that everybody online that somebody knows about them

So what we try and do is find out that one thing that nobody knows and then do it with them so and then or if there's not something specific that will come up with an interesting activity that That's really fine, and and we'll go do that. I'm really looking forward to an episode I don't know when it's gonna come out into the next couple weeks We do these racist days with different comics and we had a really racist birthday with Bruce jingles, you know, Bruce Yeah, little Bruce jingles. Yeah. Oh, no black Bruce jingles. I'm sorry Black Bruce jingles. I call him. Yeah, I call him black Christmas Yeah, cuz he's

That is lack of you can get right so we took Bruce for his birthday to get him a spray tan and We got him a very racist cake and It was just really fun like it's hysterical we and so we just kind of fucked with him and he he loves it He gets the joke. He's not offended and we offer to come out on a racist day earlier this year. We took him We took him to look at gorillas at the zoo We just did some I mean, it's just fun. We just try and have fun and then do different things we took I think this week we

We took a guy to the grove And he talked about how he's like the mayor of the grove and just like I'm different stuff It's fun You're fucking and I talk about it Let me ask you something Lana Turner The special what do you want to do with it? Do you want to release the television? Are you gonna release on Netflix or on a web page? You know Yeah, we don't know yet

The woman who helped produce the project is hoping to get it on show time at comedy central or somewhere And obviously we can't she's it'll most I'm pretty sure they'll be on Netflix Which is awesome. I love Netflix. So and then I mean, I think that's like those probably She told me that's pretty much for sure. So I don't know. We'll see and hasn't been finalized yet You're fucking savage. Are you performing around here anytime? I know you were just recently in New Jersey Bananas, were you not? Yeah, yeah, I just did bananas and I'm going back to Tennessee

I'll be performing a couple of shows this month with graphy. Okay, and we're doing one on Asheville North and Asheville Which is just not too far from Knoxville and then we're gonna go to And then I've got a date in North Carolina in some of the beach in Atlantic Beach, I think Towards the end of August and then I'll be back in LA in in August I guess the date in North Carolina July, so I'll be back in in LA in August and that's when school starts So I'll be back around town doing spots here. You fucking hot mommy All right, so anytime you want to call in just let me know man. I just want to get you on the show

I know you're busy with the babies and stuff and your mom. I just miss you. I don't see you enough like I used to so I Gotta see you You know, I wanted to get your own, you know, I love you and I miss you cock sucker, so You know when you saw my album cover. Were you shocked by it or did you just think it was funny? I? Was shocked and then I looked further into it because you know me. I'm gonna look at your pussy eventually Right, I didn't want anything. No, you don't see it. It's amazing how I have a friend that did point out I've had her as a friend for years. I've never looked at her stuff When Felicia did be

Playboy I never looked at the article, you know when you did the cover I looked at it that day and then I I talked to somebody about and I looked at it again I go that's fucking bizarre But I didn't see nothing. No, you can't I thought it was great. You look beautiful. You can't see nothing the guitar is there No, I Looked at Felicia's article and playboy long before I met her and what do you think? What she's beautiful did they show a pussy on there? Yeah, come on. Yeah, it's it's in like it's in like the I think it's in like the late early night like late 80s or something

So there's still there's still hair down there. You know, she's she's retro but You know, I I'm like Felicia. I think that's awesome I playboy is one of my favorite magazines So but I have to look it up because there's they did like since you could spread where they're I think they were five women in Comedy that they featured in that and so she's she's definitely the hottest So she was part of a series of five women. I like to think now if there's five women's pussy, I like to see Who would I like to see I'm trying to think

What do you think give me some ideas Lana five five women women in comedy or just women no five women in comedy I like to see that pussy Whitney Cummings is too skinny that pussy is probably like a fucking fang and It's just too fucking skinny. She's too thin Chelsea's been beat the fuck up too much. That thing was like a fucking battlefield Margaret chose pussy is probably nice. It smells like fucking kimchi, but it's probably fucking banging Who else is little monkeys hot Cataly? What's a girl's name? Kathy Griffin? Fuck that you could tell that a pussy Ugliest fuck I was telling the people in San Jose the other day look at pink

Like I could tell pink has a stinky fucking pussy just from looking at it. You could tell that thing stinks Like it's just got fucking odor to it. Like it's got Wang like you'll eat it But after what you're like, you know that that that shit sucked That shit sucked It's just certain women I've never had a batch of bad pussy like stinky pussy Like like, you know something that'll kill a motherfucker like I've had a little something that's got onion to it That don't bother me. I like a little wang to it. You know, it's like a fucking gyro But I can't imagine the risk and when you make the decision to go down there as a guy

You gotta you gotta weigh that out because you don't know what you're gonna get Yeah, but not for nothing I scratch my ass and sniff my fingers yesterday and I was laying down You take a chance when you suck anybody's dick, too. That's That's a stink bat down there Yes, that just cracked like is one I'm 50 now my ass is starting to drop Let me give a little pool and you see an old man's ass and it's flat and it starts to drop like my ass is starting to drop And I had an itch down there and I scratched it and before I put my sleep at me a mask on I sniffed my finger Jesus Christ, Lana Turner

It was like it wasn't even ass. It was like old man fucking Jeritaw is something disgusting No, I wash it I spray fucking antifungal on it, you know me I do everything I take three four showers a day But it's still once you get that stink going. I'm 50 once you get that old man stink going to you There ain't no turning back. You like the chrome I Could be fucking early that Could be early something. I mean, I don't know what the fuck it is, but you know, yeah, but yeah, that was say after I seen

Are you right five chicks a comedy's pussy that you you know, who's pussy I like to smell Natasha Leguero's I bet that fucking monk wash smells like a fucking lasagna meatless little combo Delicious that Italian pussy got some fucking wank through it like a spicy Italian from subway Yeah, yeah, it smells fucking delicious And what's the red-headed chick the what's the girl that was on? What's the girl that was on? Macy What's it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, remember she was on Howard Stern

She's a red-headed chick Macy Macy, I don't know what I don't know what a little boy. I must know like What about Amy Schumer Amy Schumer that that's a thick fucking swamp of a fucking pussy you could tell She's a thick chick. She's got one of them pink pussy. He's the fucking it just got some fucking I like it long eternal. Why are we talking about pussy? You're on the phone. You're a mom. What the fuck is going on? That mind would fall in there. So we're in a good. No. Oh, no, no, you have a tremendous little tight little Jew monkey I could see that day you had the party with the kids. I caught a couple dads checking out I go look a lot of turner still got a little fucking pussy to her and shit

It's a little mileage pussy. I mean, it really is. It's unfortunate actually. What do you do? Sorry for it That's your fucking problem. You know I'm saying you got to put some shit in a lot of turner You gotta you gotta stretch that motherfucker. You had two kids You had a couple monkeys in there and how you got a but you look good a lot of turn you work out No, it's one of those things were like it was a little mileage I would describe it as like like a car that it had it had a couple of light thunderbenders making kids But it is so a little mileage to start out with it's still like the blue book values high All right. All right. No, no worries about the looking Lisa. Yeah, he's Jewish. He's over there

Yama this fucking spinning right now. He's thinking of that little Jew pussy. It smells like fucking that red pepper hummus He likes and shit. It's all over Look at Lisa his face is turning red and shit. He's thinking about Israel Jesus making a comeback. It's over. I love you a lot attorney dirty bitch. I'll see you this week I hope when are you leaving? Wednesday Wednesday where you had are you headed back to Nashville? Yeah Thank you for calling and talking about your sexy little pussy shit. All right, thank you

How you like that Lee fuck sucka see Just imagine you in bed just arrived at where you're sleeping This is the one question before you got up to go to do before you went to sleep Did you get up and wash your hands? You just want to fucking went to sleep. What is this when you smelled your ass yesterday? No, I was I went to the shower Because I I whenever I get off a plane I take a shower You know shower before I got up I unpacked my clothes and I got back yesterday and before I got in the car I fucking took a shower. I was like fuck that you get that swamp ass on the plane you get those pimples those whiteheads

I avoid the middle man. Fuck it. So I took a shot. I laid down when I laid down I realized I swin the wash my ass. It wasn't that my ass was dirty. It was I had like an itch It was that fucking like I'm under it's under your ass under the little sack developing now You're old your ass is dropping. Well, yeah Do I can't go to the beach no more? I know entirely too much about you and so does everyone who listens to this So I scratch my sniff my hand. I was like fuck this I went and put some Irish spring for that motherfucker. I rub some cream on it. So I'd stop scratching. I Take care of my shit. Well, you have to you're a grown fucking man

And I use a washcloth so you don't get no blackheads around your fucking bull sack You get blackheads down there when it goes to suck your stomach it's thick There's a fucking blackhead that looks like you know a black mood of debt on that You can't have you can't have that can't have it. So you got a fucking scrub you use a washcloth Yeah, you get black. It doesn't look my shower. You have a booth a buffer No, I just have a washcloth. You got a buffer to a buffer. Why what do you call those things a loofah loofah? I got a loofah to open up. It opens up the cells. It takes off the dead skin Okay, and it takes that dead fucking meat off, you know the kind of shit that comes out of your pores

We're all those big maxi. I don't know and those fucking California pizza kitchen fucking teriyaki chicken salad I had to mention once I wanted a barbecue chicken salad every time we see a bad food place You're like mind what that does to your asshole. So it's the first in the California pizza chicken salad And you eat like a fucking savage. I did and and you were feeling good because you said you had been doing the Strong bone stuff. Yeah, no, let me tell you something I went to the elliptical the one day and I went to the to the pool the one day the fucking when you work on the pool It's really good when you're a fat fuck Because you could kick everything you could stretch your weight doesn't matter

So for one day you can really do like burpees you can really do like lunges and you need to do stairs at the club every night Two or three times a night fuck they don't fuck around there. I brought the strong bone I brought the shroom tech because I know it wasn't a smoke with a lot of people. Yeah, and I gotta be honest with you I took the shroom tech. I've been taking the fucking show. I'm done with this bottle probably in three days But this is a good trip to test it. This is why I know how that fucking works because whenever I go on the fucking road I always get sick at high medical marijuana places. Really? Yeah, San Jose Sacramento Columbus so hot anywhere where the people fucking smoke like it's the 4th of July

That's where I get sick that makes these passing. I mean I passed around a lot of passing pipes and joints And I'm not saying nothing that people dirty just the way it happens. Yeah, so I take the shroom tech now the immune Yeah, the immune tech but the shroom, right? Yeah, shroom tech immune. Yeah, let me tell you something man. I'm good. No cough. No, nothing I'm breathing a little heavy today. I don't know why cuz I didn't work out. Yes, I get anxiety The past couple weeks, I think you get these fucking allergies here, but I'll tell you what man The strong bone is really helping me again It's really fucking you're doing to do like two or three times a week. He said yeah training today But it's funny these adidas. I love them, but they're not they're not giving me the support

I really want like the New balance ones I got Oh, I always I have to have new balance. I got some insoles in there You don't even feel like you're walking so I gotta get those for the adidas But this week I did I only use the those to work out the adidas I used to go on stage and I usually have two or three adidas to walk around with I only bring one up there I can't fucking stand bringing three pairs sneakers. Oh, yeah So I just but it's bad enough. I bring the one to work out and slip is to walk around the hotel with like fucking you have to

so I My feet usually hurt from walking around we walked a lot in San Jose. Yeah, we fucking walked up there Jack You know, so we moved up there. So, you know, I feel good Stronger one is always good for you So if you're a fat fuck and you want to start your little program by walking around and if you travel on a plane a lot You know, there's so many things that on it has that that serves you if you're slipping You know, you think you got sleep apnea. Maybe you're slipping in your mind You get the alpha brain. Just do me a favor. Go to honor.com. Why fuck around go to honor calm

Read about what they what they got read about their history. They got so many things going on They got meals by my dolce. They got diets by my dolce. They got kettlebells. They got ropes They got something that you need to take you away from your fucking whole hum life. You know saying yeah Something you smoke a joint you do a couple alpha brains. You're off and running I know I do I think I do jumping jazz What thing gets me here in a fucking good mood every morning ready to go I'm trying to hug the cats and I hugged my wife and I look up in the sky and I say God Thank you for giving me another day cock sucker to make this shit happen

What the fuck we got a nice time in San Jose. I loved it So another thing I did in San Jose is a Southwest email me right before we left and I they gave me free internet for the first Light up and I watched to loop plus all the way on it I love what I caught up on some daily show Which they have I then I did it right on my iPhone and it was fucking awesome And I know I know Terry's been watching a lot of it. So hulu plus is awesome guys Go to hulu plus comm slash Joey go to joey Diaz net. They have the daily show. They have family guy They have South Park community SNL. They have everything you can want go to hulu plus

See what's crackle-ack and see what shows they got go to joey Diaz net go to hulu plus calm press and Joey Up a case lower. I don't care what fucking case you're pushing there I don't care if you put Joey with law and order with fucking cases Just put Joey in there and you'll get two free weeks and trial and you go watch whatever the fuck you want That's tremendous. And that's it. That's it. I'm happy you went but no more ain't taking you no more places Because you got to cry. I didn't cry once I took all the animals you wanted you didn't fucking take enough I took all the fucking animals crying. I didn't cry once. I want to give a shout out to my man, Jordan Dunnington Glossier Rossi

Jason Cuttington whatever the fuck he's I don't know how many names he's got David household Billy G and Jack batty. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with Jack? And you know people keep asking me. Yes Gray is back, but something's going on. What do you mean? She won't leave the fucking bedroom now. She was shell-shocked I was still no. Yeah. Yeah, she won't leave the fucking room She's on the bed with me all night all night every time I put my hand down I feel something bite me in the middle of night

You know last night she must have woke me up three fucking times. Oh really? She's a great cat. I love the death I'm happy. She's back, but she's got a fucking life Puts her on the chair. She runs back to the bedroom She doesn't want to be around the other cats no more. She eats by herself She's isolated in that room. She was under the bed and in the fucking closet. Those are two places of dwelling now I wonder what happened to her that those few days and I don't understand. She was in a fucking garage Why would you want to keep being cooped up? Come on little room say hello? Sitting there like a bumpy, you know, you gotta come on out and say hello and the best part is I know you have these talks with her

It's not like you're just thinking about it. You've you've you've looked at your book. What the fuck all the cat Not a gray. Oh, yeah, I'm trying to straighten out last night. I told you I threw her out These people you know these cats they want to mingle with you these cats they're like the alley how feelings get hurt Ali's like you won't let me in she won't fucking let me and I go in there get brow beat it What the fuck, you know, don't you like me? Don't you want me, baby? She's putting human league on. I don't need this fucking shit either So I talked to I picked her up and I took her outside in the living room My wife took her out to the other day when we spoke the other day I asked my wife or chef brother after them. She's just to the chair for two minutes gets up and runs back to the bedroom

Well, she was she was shy when you first brought her up though, right? She wasn't shy. She's tough as fuck. I threw her into a gladiator thing that all my cats eyeballed a really a shred My females are killers those two those two Ali and Ali and Lulu those are killers really those are trained assassins Don't just pick you the fuck apart like one of those videos Their father had direct blood lines to Hitler Gunga didn't fucking anybody bad Charles Bronson Charles Manson

And he anybody bad their father Samurai was a evil fucking psychopathic cat Anybody bad anybody who killed people kill kids and throw them off roofs and let them on fire Why why you keep saying this stuff like why why do you want your cat to be related to these terrible people because it's true The Samurai had was a big fucking cat that these big black balls that nobody ever got to him And he had too much testosterone his head was like this if you look at the Samurai He looked like a like a one-eyed sharks with the hammerhead sharks. Yeah, that's he looked like a hammerhead fucking cat His eyes were swollen. He had scar tissue. He had pieces of him falling off, but he wouldn't go down. I Saw him beat. I saw him throw a beat on Fidel's father one day in a tree

That was one of the worst things listen Fidel's father was in the tree But it was on the property, okay The Samurai was just walking by spotted Fidel's father Jumped on two fucking roofs to get to Fidel's father Climbed up the tree. I was in my bathroom Watching the whole fucking thing go down. I saw the Samurai climb onto the roof and Go on that fucking tree and he jumped and you see you ever see when an animal jumps in a tree and he pulls the tree down Yeah, the leaves that's all you heard

Then he jumped on Fidel's father and they fucking banged it out in that tree for about three minutes And they fell to the floor then they banged it out again Right, and I'm hearing them back. It's daylight. I'm here People like what the fuck finally it's over by 8 30 at night. I'm in front of the house I know I'm doing I'm waiting for fucking surgery to bring up grandma blow. I'm doing something out I'm talking to somebody and I see Fidel's father walking from the back petrified With pieces and missing you know, he got hit by a fucking car And he lived and he lived and he kept living back there

And he's still back there because Samurai disappeared But that's how tough the Samurai was that he was Samurai was killing his own fucking kittens That's a type of cat this motherfucker was he was killing his own kittens so he could get back to fucking Because if the mother's giving milk to the kittens, she can't she can't fuck Once you stop giving milk then that pussies back in action it starts bleeding again He's back. You're back like rat 84 you follow me. I have no idea what you're saying He said it all the time. You know what I'm saying duck. I have no idea Well, you're wise asly

You even know you're saying are you a wise that's lately apparently You want to break my fucking boss? I feel like after almost a hundred hours of of you go breaking my balls I deserve one minute of breaking your balls. What happened to San Jose? Hey, one of your bitches showed up. Is that you one of your freaks? No, kiss you on the lips and she's oh Melissa. Give me a pack on the lip. I couldn't move She slipped a tongue in there. No, you don't want to give her a stab. I couldn't move. I mean you couldn't move I was so high. So let me ask you this sort of fucking

Jennifer Anderson showed up and put that swamp pussy in her little face. It smells like Brad Pitt You tell you can't it still smells like Brad Pitt. I can't move. I couldn't you take your little fucking juice. They got no Are you serious? I was way too. You had you gave me Two edibles. I'm usually fucked up on the one. Well, no, no first. We got then I gave you a piece of 500 milligram Anti Dolores. Yeah, brown. Yes, and then you gave me a fucking half one of those gummy bears, right? No, no, no, that was that one night and then the next night I had two pieces to 200 milligrams of TAC going through your veins So job and then I and then we smoked and this is what I did the first night I brought Cheebo chews up and I ate a couple Cheebo chews Thursday night Jesus after that

I couldn't eat a Cheebo chew because I knew I was gonna get killed at the show I got the Cheebo chews in the fucking house and I'm getting ready to rock and I also got Kwayloot. I saw that last night on Twitter Where did he get those worry about it? I fall in the fucking I'm gonna take you to a hooker's house and give you one of those and put you on the couch and have a fucking way Yes, hold on fire. Please don't those shit don't make you pass out like Lucy snow bush I'm talking. I don't want to pass out especially around you. I'd be more worried about you what you would do I ain't gonna do nothing for you. I'll tie you up and put you on the 170 And somebody will pick you up and fucking take it to the house and do evil things to you

Why would you want that because I have a good time we'll take pictures and put them on No, they're pictures. You said something. What would you do or something? What would you do? Oh, you said something like just randomly like like on like on stage that had nothing to do with any of your bits But along you were like you can take videos with stuff on the now. What a world It had nothing to do with anything It's Monday cocksucker July the first get up shine your shoes Look sharp get up there go tell them what the fuck you're gonna do tell the world or suck your dick You should have a sparkler up its ass today. Fuck it. It's the fourth of July

Tell a blanket and George wanted to suck your dick. What the fuck are they when you need them? You know what I'm saying? How old is this country? Let's see you don't even fucking know what type of mook are you? Let's see Yeah, it's close to like 240 or something who the fuck you think you're doing this all the top of my head and I'm stoned Do you hurt my feelings? You say you think I like you I eat edibles all day and I hear nothing I fucking do all day. I didn't say you don't do anything. I said I said you don't have to go to an office You do you do a lot of stuff, but you do

Why are you trying to say you don't eat a little bit you eat edibles calm you Do you put up you put up a twitter picture you eating more edibles last night. What did I put up last night? Auntie Dolores. Oh, yeah, you know why because I went over to To uh my ears itchy god damn it Whenever I fly I get the wax built up Uh, I went over to see the word on the street is that the city Sent all the letters to these medical marijuana spots Oh, so they have to close their doors

So I was very sad last week when I heard that divine divine wellness didn't get a letter Thank god thank fucking god So but my other spot got a letter. Oh, and I see no organic got a letter. Oh, no no organic You know, it's a great weed store, but I gotta tell you something great family. They're great people. I love the sister I love the fucking jail of all them and they do I they help they go above and beyond people Seriously, they they they do a lot of things for a lot of people that they donate to organizations that I've seen it They've asked me to show up with them at different things. I'm just out of town. I'm fucking saturdays They care for their patients when I knew they got a letter it broke my heart

Because I wasn't worried about them financially these guys are hustlers. I was worried about them that The neighborhood would suffer. It's an old school neighborhood type reefer spot. Yeah, but when I went there yesterday They're like, no, we're gonna stay open. We're gonna try to fight and get a license And anti Dolores was by there and gave them the cheese crackers the ones that you ate at the At the fucking fight that night. He came home There were a hundred and something milligrams. So I ate the cheese cracker last night. So I go to sleep right I did sleep great last night and for people who give me shit Auntie Dolores was great and came up and she was really cool

But as joy as you were giving me the edible she even said to me that's too much when the woman who makes it says It's too much. Maybe it's too much and Joey goes. Ah, fuck it. He'll be fine And then try to get given to do the chaka waska Fucking you're tough as nails. Lee. You keep saying that you want you want me to hold you with fucking silk gloves and milk No, maybe let me do 75 milligrams and get high, but you're okay. I'm getting you ready for the real world What world are you eating too much milligrams? I'm getting you're fucking ready. Just get whatever you go out and somebody puts spikes you In this day and age where you you're a popular guy. You're handsome. What if somebody tries to fucking you give you You never know they've done it to red man. They do it to

People do it all the time you go out you eat in the sandwich I said, I got medical marijuana in the sandwich next thing you can't drive home. They're taking Rockulate pictures of you. They got you dressed in a fucking bikini You know what I'm saying? They whipping you and yelling out. What's the Jew band you like? Infected mushroom infected mushroom. What do you put some infected mushroom off of you? I'm going to the show on saturday. What's in LA? Yeah, are you taking any pills right now? Uh, no, I'm gonna drink and smoke it. Do you want to take an edible? No, I don't want to take an animal. Do you want to take some ecstasy? No, you know what I

I can't believe I'm saying this on the internet I've always been intrigued by molly just because it's apparently like the pure version of it No, no, don't say that on the internet, but we got it. It's a phone call away Ah, Jesus, you're gonna jump up and down. Who you taking to see I'm taking that gun I see you want to do some molly and loosen her up. No, no, no, we're gonna be fine with just alcohol But I'm not gonna take molly on a third date. What are you talking about? Why not? Because it's fucking the like the most intense drug, isn't it? Isn't it? No Isn't ecstasy like the most intense drug? Lee, what's the matter with you? I don't know. You tell me

Don't you listen you're gonna take this girl to an infected mushroom you're gonna jump around What's the song you want them to? What what what's in the old giggling? What's the song you want them to play? There's a million songs All right, let's is it a romantic song? No, they don't have romantic songs So what time is the show start starts at like nine? I think you have a warm-up man Yeah, I'm sure they do now. Are you gonna take a chick to this? Yeah, I just told you to take out the dinner first

Maybe yeah, we're gonna be drunk first thing and you're not gonna take my molly one No, it's a third day. What are you talking about? What are you talking? What are you fucking talking about? What are you? You're looking at me like i'm crazy. It's your third date. So yeah, we're gonna you keep saying it again It's my third day. Well, how about i'm not gonna dose it with fucking I'm gonna dose it You're not dosed. No, but I did this chick once on a third day. I stabbed it. What are you fucking saying that? The third date the third date the third date that means you're doing shit. Yeah, I'll do

I'm dragging on the car. You're fucking doing not tying anybody So what's the story? You want to take some real fucking mollywood and jump up and down? No, let me see the song. Yeah, listen to the play Keep up All right, let me see his dance real quick. It's my leg. Come on Wiggle father How you gonna dance this let me see you're gonna take some molly in there. Oh shit here we go Golly golly golly go you get up in there. It's different. We were gonna go switch the camera. Let me see what So they could see your fucking wiggle cock suck. It's monday. Maybe they want to wiggle at home. Let's see how you do it

But start from the beginning so they could see the whole movement You gotta do the whole thing, you know pick her up in the corner and do how do you do it like do it from the beginning the song yeah What the fuck let's go from the beginning here you go How do you show up and shit? What are you gonna wear? I'm gonna wear jeans and the t-shirt. What are you talking about? What is so funny to you? I'm gonna go to a concert and get fucked up and dance. Oh, what are you talking about? You're gonna wear red. You're not gonna wear red cape or nothing

You're gonna wear a red cape like a top hat. Go ahead. Let me see you bust it golly Let me see the moves you're gonna pop. What up? So how you gonna dance? What do you do? What do you do? I'm not gonna say how I grind in with the air. All right, but grind. Let me see a little grind No Come on. Don't do it. Do it. Do it. How you gonna do it? She's in front of you. How you gonna grind? You're gonna make a face. You're gonna make a Cobra golly golly make a face. Let me see you make the jew rent face like you're getting a jew It's the first every jew is happy today

Come on cuckucker Now you understand why the hooker thing made me so uncomfortable There's a thought of grinding to a song. I can't hear Human guy in my room going. Yeah, show me. You're gonna make that face. Show me that jew face so fucking weird So what the fuck you gonna do like you're gonna just stand there like a mortal What when you bring a girl there's like you just cry but when I'm when I would go by myself you just jump up and down I

Put the music back on and jump up and down. Let me see you do Come on. Let me just see you jump up now three or four jumps. What the fuck? You did it for 10 seconds I got three how the fuck you gonna last an hour or two in the show You gotta do it for 10 minutes. Go ahead. Go 10 minutes. Go. Let me see like two minutes for your aerobic You're gonna build it up. You don't you only do it It makes sense with the music you fucking asshole. I don't know why I do this with my life. I should be sleeping I should be doing so much better stuff What the fuck are you gonna be doing grinding in the middle?

What the fuck Oh, you're killing me though. You're salt in my eye. You're worse than marie's wings Salt in your eye. You're worse than marie's fucking wings. Why because we want to have fun every time I have fun You just like you like what fucking fun Actually, let me see you dance nothing. You said it's weird. I'm in a room with you. Just you I'm not gonna dance by myself. Let me see you grind No I'm not grinding with the air in front of you in my gym shorts. It's so fucking weird

It's like we told me to just get high and listen to bill cosby's album and be the same That's so weird ladies and gentlemen, you see how you gotta deal with it. What are you gonna deal with? Do you understand my people you think it's fucking easy There's a kid that jumps up and down these fucking guys playing chopsticks and shit You're a fucking savage. So what all right, so you don't want to take the mdma with it. No, you don't want to loosen her up What the Are you like each other? So the show starts at nine. We're time to get out of there I don't know it depends sometimes like two three four. They go it goes until seven in the morning

What are you gonna go on you're gonna go on red bull the fucking reefer and alcohol. That's gonna kill you No, I've been like seven right of them. Let me playing you and how long do you last I last all night you dance all night Oh, yeah I don't fuck around I might get you in the little edible. No, fuck the I won't do anything on an edible I'll stand in the corner get paranoid and get a DUI on the way home people be jumping you'll be jumping too What to the music what fucking I don't jump on edibles You don't I I was talking to people and forgot what I was saying mid-sentence last night. You don't jump on edibles

No Why not you don't jump up and down on edible. No, no, no because you don't let me eat just the right amount You made me twice you made me make me make me what you eat and that fucking fucks me up And then we'll get you some molly. All right for you in the broad you loosened up. She's already loosened. What are you talking about? What do you mean loose? How do you know she's loosened up? You know she's loose. I want to be able to talk to this girl like all your advice is for girls So you never want to see again. You just throw her on the 170. What the fuck? Why do I not want to see you again? No, you want to see me. You don't want to see the girl

No, I want to see everybody. No, you don't. I do. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't want to see nobody if you had your way the 170 would be renamed. Do you like your graveyard or something? No, I can't be killing people no more. I'm a Catholic Listen to me dog. You don't want to take the one being man loosened up. Do you get a hotel room for you guys? I'm still trying to decide because it's in it's in hollywood either We'll take a cab or I'll get a hotel. I'm not sure yet. You want to make a special night every get a nice hotel lift a fucking deuce That dude's got a nice hotel and put a robe on. What was the last time you had a robe? Oh, there was a robe in the room, but I didn't get to wear it. I never

I uh sunday a slip was in the back. You got an open bar. You bring her up You and her on the mdma. Whatever the fuck it is. Molly. You sit down. You rub her feet You give her that little jeweler. You put a little gel in your hand and hold her straight up You're like bottomless Collins. I have a job. I'm gonna read it in I can't believe the stuff I say on this We gotta get your life together here You're jumping up and down this little bad team. Yeah, that's gonna be fun. It's at the Avalon All right, and you got front row. They know the fine jews coming up

We got a there's no front row to this you just go and you gonna make calls to get your backstage You can jump around with a dj. You know what I hang out with the dj and jump up and down They speak Hebrew. What are we gonna talk about? I don't know about rent checks Whatever the fuck you fucking jews talk about behind closed doors. These white cock suckers that pay the sector for land I don't know Slip is whatever Whatever the fucking people talk about you know

Get together dawg. I love you to death You want to come I'll get you take it. No, I'm busy fucking sad You're not busy stabbing myself in the heart before I go fucking listen to that stuff and watch you jump up and down like that Without nothing. No, you don't listen You take out to a nice sushi dinner. You like sushi, man. I love it. Yeah. All right. That's how you drop the fucking ecstasy of that Whatever it is them molly molly Then you go to the album on you go back to your hotel room. You give a little massage where you leave at that She'll say look at Lee's the fucking gentleman. He's not gonna give me a little stab

I gave her molly. That's a lot worse than a fucking little sex. He doesn't want to spank me or nothing You take it to the show you jump up and down You drink you drink some thc. Lollipops What the fuck you talking about now? I'm taking molly and an edible fuck. Yeah, the edible was smooth enough to molly What the fuck is wrong? I'm getting anxiety just thinking about this. I'm gonna take care of you I'm smoothing out the humps and the bumps if you just drop the molly and go out like a fucking pirate Nothing good's gonna happen. Or if I just get drunk and I'll be fine. No, you're gonna have some fucking The only humps and bumps I had this weekend was to from your fucking edibles. Yep. Listen to me. I'll do a little sake

Right with sushi. You're gonna do a little sake with sushi then sake and sake sushi then sake So you got the sake and sushi then you're gonna drop the molly back at the hotel room Okay, it's gonna be romantically. What the fuck you think i'm talking about it. You don't want to talk I don't think anyone's ever described doing molly in a hotel room is romantic. You don't want to listen You don't want to do somebody. How can you have show somebody a ten thousand dollar fucking card a ten dollar presentation? You're a fucking you're a fucking uh, because she's she's even more straight-laced than I am She doesn't even smoke. He wants to smoke weed for the first time. She does she hasn't smoked yet All right, that that's what to listen and I'm gonna open up with molly and weed lollipops

Are you crazy? Listen to what you do. You have a little sake No, if she's gonna smoke do not drink You don't want to drink and then smoke that'll get you sick So what you want to do is at dinner just eat the sushi and then from there you take it back to the hotel You take a little lighten up a little bit and you take two hits off a fucking joint I'll roll you a nice joint nice weed mella. It's gonna be a bazooka. I know you Give me a nice hybrid nothing to kill you just hit it twice And you'll be looking cool. You don't have your head all mooshed up

Put your little black cape on you know say That's a black cape a white white beater. Come on. You know, I'm a fucking what? I look ridiculous in the white white beater with a cape on time. You wouldn't be able to tell my skin's already that white What do you what you'll be throwing dick in that fucking place with the magicians at them? Out of the cane who's better than you dog Why are you dressing me up like a little italian magician over here with a red cape and a black hand in the king No black all the way black black. I'm black. The only thing that's white is your fucking White beater shot with a big gold star or fucking will wrench your nice

gold fucking star like a like a Star david you'll be kicking dog You're a bad motherfucker. Lee it's time that the world starts realizing that you're a bad motherfucker And you just can't take this chicken and then you're gonna have a lot and take a cab back like fucking Regans you're gonna do the whole thing. You want this girl to stick around for a little while, right? Yeah, all right then Yeah, do the right thing. You know surprise her with the hotel How is the right thing giving her molly in a weed lollipop when she hasn't supposed to have a good time?

She wants to see the devil too. No, the devil's not fun. You think it's fun to see the devil And have her the same boring ass date you can have with some other guy you wanted to remember lisa The baddest pimp out there I love lisa. Yeah, but I want her to remember who the fuck she knows when she fucking goes out with lisa. Yeah All hell's gonna break loose. This is like an episode. What's that movie with fucking steve corral and the chick from 30 rock you ever see that movie when they go to markey warburg's house This is what happens when they hang out with you shit goes down and helicopters follow you black people hang out with you People want to party with you. You're fucking lisa. Yeah, the king of the fucking jews

This is what I gotta deal with people. I'll fire my own fucking co-host up Now i'm depressed because you don't understand these things. Well, and what are you gonna be doing? Then you look at me and you judge what am I? I'm 50. I'm at home fucking dying I'm living a slow debt to you. I'm living Jesus. I'm living through fucking osmosis through you What's that word where I live through people? Yeah, you know Not through osmosis. I'm living through something else vicariously through you. I want you to come back to call me I'm but listen when I wake up on fucking sunday mornings. I don't want to see a text

I don't give a fuck about michael jackson dying or who's sick. I want to see a fucking Miss call from lee at 603 Saying that dog. I just threw a chick out of a fucking car head first Because she wouldn't suck my asshole for the eighth time with a kazoo. I don't know. I don't fucking know lee But i'm sick and tired of waking up till your boring fucking cause of eye I went out last night. It's time for you to fucking live it up a little bit dog That's it. You got the church of what's happening now. You got people behind you. They love you I love them too, but fuck

What do you want to do? You want to pick that girl up and take it and drop her off? That's just you could do with any fucking smoke. She's straight lazy. No, she's coming back here, but jesus christ Fuck back here. What are you gonna do here? Smell this room. It smells like your ass and weed that we smoke and water You're gonna bring him to the living room. It smells like actually his feet. Fuck that shit You're gonna get a nice hotel room with a jacuzzi with a shape like a heart You're gonna fucking have a cape on You're gonna eat some sushi and take it back to the hotel. You're gonna blow a couple of shotguns and listen to what you're gonna do You know, just take the head off the joint and then make a kiss you

And why you're making out with your butt smoking out of mouth? Okay, that's more normal Why are you practicing with me? Now when you're not blowing your mouth you're nasty I'm just talking to here. I hypothetically You're blowing her mouth and she blows it back in your mouth and you play that fucking game for a while and you swap a little spit Then before she gets hot you cut her off You say this can't happen

I'm a decent jew boy and you give her a fucking molly and you go back and see the avalanche Or you split the head of molly with her You have two but you split when you leave the other one the hotel for later until you got it back to the room You tell me I go back to the other head of molly back at home You take you go to the hotel you go to the fucking concert you jump up and down Then you take it back to the avalanche You pop the you take it back to the hotel You pop you got valet parking you look like a doctor

You're fucking at it on a tv show you make some ducats You're the executive producer of the church of what's happening now. Who's better than you? No one So are you waiting you're gonna you're gonna show up and give a woman a fucking $20,000 car with a $10 presentation Fuck no, you're gonna show a $20,000 car and give a $20,000 presentation And that's the end of this fucking show. That's how you gotta do your life every fucking day. You're a sharp kid Shave that beard. Just leave the goatee. Don't think goatee says how you pussy like a stupid savage These are your little fucking medals right here from all the chicks blonde hairs red hairs little curly black fucking hairs You're making it happen me. That's it. You're a young man. Everybody who's listening to this. I want you to live in the fucking same way

You can't present yourself a $20,000 vehicle and show up with dirty shoes a $3 presentation And then come call me back and I'm lonely. I don't know what to do She won't call me back. She wants a date two guys because you ain't fucking slinging dick You understand me? This is it. I want you to call me fucking sunday morning with a tremendous story from the hotel downstairs I yeah, you have a handcuffed something me You got handcuffs here. No, I don't have handcuffs later dildo. That's it. You're gonna you're gonna put this shit in your trunk In case you meet some wild chick you whip out a fucking Let me tell you something you whip out a handcuff and I've paired dildos in a pair of dildos

Fuck yeah, you have two of them a butt plug and a fucking big black one That's how you're gonna with a fucking yarmulke You're slipping Most people have like a Earthquake survival kit and I have dildos and yarmulkes. What do you need? All you need is sneakers and water That's all you need and and lighting and rolling papers. That's your earthquake survival kit What do you need? What do you need? I need a lot of stuff apparently You're fucking cock sucking. Anyway, I love you people. I love it's monday. I'm not talking to you. You're fucking talking to them

I wasn't talking to you either. Yes, you did. You were looking at me when you said I love you too You were both yummy when you blew when you blew the fake shotgun in my mouth. So fuck you This is what I gotta deal with you understand me people. It's a beautiful day to be alive Beautiful fucking week to hang out. I know a lot of people gonna listen to podcasts this week out there with your lies You're flying go out there. Be safe. There's a lot of fucking mooks driving around people blowing up They're giving you bad meat too. Don't eat all the hamburgers. Watch what they're fucking cooking these people You never know and beware chicken sandwiches cooked by people with no gloves on Oh

Sounds like an old wives tale, but where people cooking chicken sandwiches, you know, I'm performing this week Vegas, you know, I'm performing next week nowhere. I don't give a fuck. I'm taking some time off You know the one the week after that I'm in philadelphia get your tickets now at helium It's gonna fucking go down my family's showing up bazookas cocaine Hard rock they're doing everything me. I'm going to bed at night. It's I'm gonna lie to all of them. I'll be right back And I fucking won't come back They'll be calling me. Where are you? I'll be right down I love you people don't forget go to honus.com. See what's crack a lacking if you're gonna get an edible today chibo chew

Fucking drop some Enti Dolores on whatever you need with the names. I'm dropping on you a real Legitimate medical mile one. You're fucking you'll finish out the trip Like you eat something you'll be shitting blood a half hour later because they put too much sugar or an anti-byproduct with dog cat food Or whatever fucking there. This is the real shit. You understand me people. I have a phenomenal day. I love you people drive slow Take care. You got some music for me. I do and now that the show's over. Don't forget to sign up for our favorite hulu plus That's right. We've told you about all the shows they have There's a banner at joey Diaz net with everything else or you can go to hulu plus comm slash joey

And get your extended free trial again It's uh the banner at joey Diaz net or hulu plus comm and don't fuck it up Go to hulu right now. Don't fuck it up. You're at work. You know what? The only way to test hulu is on the 4th of july You're gonna go out and play with firecrackers and sparkly. You're a fucking grown up. Get your shit together You're gonna sit there. You're gonna type joey into hulu Plus comm or you're gonna go to my web page joey Diaz net and right up there in the banner There's hulu click in that the two weeks you watch everything 22 fucking tv shows and movies all on one

Then the fourth of july then you decide who loves you and then friday What you do is you wake up and you go to fucking on it dot com and you're pressing fucking church And there you get some alpha brain you get some immune tech some strong bone Get one of those kettle bells and hit yourself in the fucking head with a 50 fucking times because the party is starting, bitch I love you cocksuckers. Have a great day Lee what the fuck is this? Let me get shard day. Hold on. Hold on. Stop. Stop. Yeah, that's that's that's jammed there That these motherfuckers don't know about that when I left new york

I had those first two shard day albums fucking tremendous. They put me through the arm This is one of the jams Oh shit Wait a little bit It's so precious So if you're ready to get stronger you better not let go You gotta hold on longer if you want your love to grow God stick together

Hand in glove Hold on don't fight high on through your love Heaven's name. Why are you walking away? Come on to your love And heaven's name. Why do you