Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/03/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #94

Episode Date: July 4, 2013

Comedian Ari Shaffir and Edible maker Auntie Dolores both call into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is brought to you by Hulu Plus. Vist huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/03/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. You gotta say that with some bass in your voice, cock sucker. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the day before the 4th, July 3rd. It's going down. That squad Nashville is barbecuing fucking marinating. You should be doing the same role via Smoke and Reaper. It's a beautiful day to be alive. A little children of the motherfucking grave. Because at the end of the week, that's all we

fucking really are. Anyway, kick that motherfucker, Lee. Hit it. Go, Lee. Go, Lee. You can't wiggle for this, Lee. This is Black Sabbath. I'll make you stab you with my fucking ladder. This isn't wiggle. This is like a something else. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Hey. That's how to be pushed around and told not what to do. Are you fucking kidding me or what? The 3rd of July, you got the world by the ball. Some of these got to work. Some of these don't have to work. Lee got a mysterious fucking job interview at 330. Yeah, it's my job's ending. Here we go. 330 on the day before the fucking 4th, which nobody's even doing dick after 12.

Because I'm the fine dude. They open it up for whatever I want. Fucking pissing me to fuck off. What? Got more jobs in the fucking Jamaican. Yeah, because it's TV jobs. It shows ends. You smoking up Reaper this morning? No, no. Going to San Jose with you. I haven't done nearly enough Reaper. Get in here, come suck it up. Let's hit this motherfucker. This is the strong shit. Out of respect for no organic staying open, they defied the odds. They got a license, they're staying open. They got the fucking chibachu's in there. They took a nice chibachu this morning already. They started the day off. No wonder why you're all wild up.

Sure. You got to start the day off with chibochu and fucking corn flakes. That's how the real pimps do it. But I didn't take the strong chibochu. I took the one with the pain relief from my knees. They're all strong. No, they're great. They're all strong. This one's a little milder. It just soothes into the pain relief. It's got the cannabinoids, the whole fucking thing. You know how we do it. We got time to fuck around. You know what I'm saying? No, you don't. That was one of my favorites because you call me. We've talked about this. You call me about like at least once or twice a day and sometimes you'll call me back within like five minutes and you picked. I picked up the phone the second time yesterday. You're like,

dude, sometimes I get fucked up. I forgot why I wanted to call you. I got to call you back. I got a lot of shit on my mind. You know what I'm saying? I was dying for like 10 minutes. So beautiful. What are you doing for the floodly? I'm just hanging out with the girl. That's what I am. You bring a little broad over. You tie her up. Whether on fire. Absolutely. Whatever. What? What are you going to cook for her? I don't know. What do you want me to cook for her? Chicken piccata. If I had told you that I was going to cook chicken piccata for a girl on the fourth, you'd be like, what are you sl- what the fuck are you doing? It's hot dogs and hamburgers. It's been that way since 1776. That's right.

Chicken piccata. What are you talking about? Chicken piccata. You know, you want to impress it. What kind of music? What's going on with these fucking flying Jews? You're going to say, I got a note yesterday. Somebody went to see him in Seattle at the Gorge for the something festival. Okay. Fight broke out fucking Israelis. They got the video drugs. He goes, tell Lita, make sure to take the Molly with the girls. We got some Molly. Oh, they go crazy. They got a nice coffee last night. Look what else I got today. Somebody in San Jose gave me. Oh, shit. Fucking Kueyloods. The original. I got a four pack here, Lee. The smallest bottle of ever. It's like a joke bottle. This is all you need. This is all you need. Little Kueyloo for you. And how

many of those would you take? You take one with a couple beers and you're fucked up. And that's the Lucy Snowballs. These are the ones, the Rora 714. There was two types of Kueylo. They were made by two farmers through the company, Lemon and Rora. R-O-R. They were made by a pharmaceutical company? Yeah. At first. Who do you think made the fucking gorilla? I thought it was like, like a whatever people did them to at the house with the with the mold. But the original wasn't Blemman and Rora. Oh, shit. I did not. Come on. Who the fucking thing? And Lily used to make Tumanol. Tremendous. Fucking tremendous. Those little capsules. The funny thing was, Tumanol really is a very strong pain pillar, like pain relief. Okay. Back in the 70s. I'll tell you how

I got him. It was the weirdest way. This kid's mother was dying of cancer. And that's what they gave her for pain. And she would take the pills and sell them. She would? Yep. Through her son. And that's how I used to get them. Why wouldn't, why wasn't she taking them? Because she knew she was going to fucking punch the ticket and she'd rather get $20 a piece within 1980 from Jesus Christ. So she'd get like 30 of them and she'd sell them for 20 bucks a fucking piece that's $60, right? Six hundred. Six hundred and sixty. Six hundred. So. It's a good deal with you. They're your fucking gum, you know. It's funny how I was thinking about all that shit. You know, I was saying that this week was the 28 years from when I left Jersey to go to Colorado. And then it was the

beginning of a new life for me, in essence. Yeah. And at that time I was always, I always had police contact. At least every fucking 30 days. Okay. I always had fucking police contact. When you say contact, do you mean like arrested or just talking to me or arrest or take me down and question me from March of 83 to probably, no, from March of 84 to probably June of 85. I was arrested maybe 10 times, question fucking eight times. No, I still get nervous when I knocked on the door and asked me questions of where I was and I would just fucking roll with the punches. It didn't make you nervous? Like I get nervous when I see a car driving close to me in traffic. No, because I knew I was involved with that type, you know, and they would come talk to me to see

if they'd get some out of me. But at the same time, they would ask me stupid questions, whatever. So when I went to Colorado, my main goal was not to have police contact. Okay. You know, it was like even when I lived with George from February of 80 or from March of 85 to June of 85, they never knocked on George's door. But what I did have was police contact on the outside. I tried to rob an office building one time. They caught me two blocks away, but I had a suit on with a briefcase and paperwork so they couldn't do nothing to me. They couldn't figure out why would this guy, I was looking for a job. I was applying for a job. I wasn't trying to rob no place. So they let me go. Two days later, they probably found out I was trying to rob the joint. They

seen the fucking thing, but it was too late. They hadn't, I didn't have an ID. I always made up a story, you know, but it's really funny. I always tell people about karma and carmers and motherfucking 85. When I went to bold, I didn't do shit for 30 days. I didn't have police contact. Okay. And what happened was I was using these credit cards that my buddy was sending me. And I would, and I got to the point that I can't even explain to you, like I would get so frustrated that I would throw the cards out the window. Let's say I'm Woodman and Chandler, and I would go back a week later and get the cards out of the weeds. I mean, it was just pathetic. I was using these credit cards. Okay. So I was using them all over Boulder and Louisville at the time. I'd go to Denver. I mean,

I was fucking banging out credit cards. I was great at it. I had patience. I didn't rush it. I would always leave the store and come back. So I always had doubts. Like I'd come in and say, I'm looking for a Walkman, you know, like a high-powered Walkman, and I wouldn't buy it off the bat. I'd walk. I knew I was going to buy it, but I'd come back. So I'd go, what are you talking about? If it was a hop's credit card, and I was very good at it. The problem happened. I was stupid. Like most criminals, I was stupid. So I used that this one mall. And that's like 30 days when they decided to get a job at the fucking mall. I applied that foot locker and I got a call back. Wheaties. So I took this fucking job. Okay. And I started selling sneakers at Foot Locker.

Was I using the credit card then? Maybe for big dinners, like to allow the dinners or shit like that. One day this big lurchy cop comes in with a, with a police uniform on. And he says, he wants to talk to me. I was recognized. I used a big amount of credit card, a jewelry store upstairs. And now I was working down here. Did they talk to me and they asked me a bunch of questions, and I told them I didn't know nothing about it. So they could search my pockets. I don't even have credit cards. And they said, okay, we're going to come back. We'll look at some of the tape. They came back about three days later, having another guy. And they said that they saw me on the tape, that they were getting their arrest warrant ready, that I should

come down with them. I said, you have an arrest warrant now. And they go, no, I ain't coming no with it. They said, all right, we'll be back. That fucking Sunday, the cop came back by himself, this lurchy motherfucker. And he says to me, listen, we didn't get the paperwork ready on Thursday, but we're going to come for you tomorrow. I said, what are you doing here today? Then he goes, this could be easy for you. Just come down, turn yourself in. We got the clothing, size, and some of the clothes, and they fit you. There's no way they can know that. Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to lurch? Guess better. He comes to my fucking house that night, with a patrol car. And he goes, listen, they're going to come get you

tomorrow. Just let you know, you might as well come clean with me. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. If I would, I would leave by now if I was going to be if I was guilty, they want to come talk to me, come talk to me. All right. See you in the morning. I was climbing the door. I went in that packed night clothes. I got the girl downstairs. Yeah. I was dating her for a while. And I said, listen, I'm going to San Francisco. I'm coming with you. We drove to the airport. We bought two plane tickets. I'm one of the stolen credit cards. And we went to San Francisco. That's when my crime career started. I went to San Francisco, then I went to Aspen. Then from Aspen, I got in trouble. And I went to Boulder.

And Boulder, I started hanging out. I ain't kidding that that Vella kid, that fucking moron Vella kid. Well, what do you think happened? What did you do? What do you think with the arresting officer was what? No, he was the detective now. Two years later. You know, this fucking moron sat there prosecuting me for nine months, never put two and two together. Really? That was that. I had break them on a fucking credit card. And the guy took it personally. Like he took the kidnap in case personally. There's two types of cops. The cops that do a job for a living. And they'll make it personal. There's another thing. There's the cops that you see high fiving.

Like when you see him, we sealed, we arrested John Gotti today. The Teflon Don is over. Those type of fucking cops, they could suck my dick. They think like, you know, they did something major. They just put a fucking hole in the wall and some other hole opened up. You know what I'm saying? So while you just put, you just covered one hole in the dike, but another fucking hole in the open dike. Yeah. So you might walk around with this ego. You arrested this guy. We didn't do dick. So one thing, and I have a lot of love and respect for cops is that there's two types of cops. There's cops that are doing a job. Then there's the other cops that think like they high five. Like when they fucking put the thing in Mars and they were high five and that's all those fucking nerds.

Good. You're fucking high five with a bullshit. You know what I'm saying? I'm fucking impressed. I was never like that shit that gay. Look at us. We did it. We did nothing. You were sitting on the fucking couch. We did. So it's funny. I got hated me. Seeper, Dave Seeper fucking hated me. Still a cop. How do you remember these names? You got to remember those type of names. Jesus. Because you got to remember the face in case you got a blast on these motherfuckers one day. It's really weird. Sometimes I'll think of a name of somebody I've been thinking about for two or three days. And when I lay down that night in my sleep, bang, it comes to me naturally. Since I'm not, it just doesn't, we talked about this in San Jose how I didn't understand how

and Hernandez could get a $40 million contract and still do that. When you said you wanted to go to Colorado and not get police contact, but you're going everywhere using stolen credit cards, like to me, a Jew who's never, like, like, it's a walking nuntundra. What do they say? I'm a walking contradiction. You, you, I was trying to not have police contact. I was trying just to beat the cops. That's what I should have said. Okay. You weren't, you weren't going to go clean. You just didn't want to have them bother you. Absolutely. Okay. I was my goal. I wasn't thinking of going clean. I wasn't going to do drugs. I wasn't, when I moved to bold, I was six months clean from cocaine. I wasn't doing below. I was smoking a little bit of weed. I was drinking from time to time,

but I wasn't doing below that. I didn't start doing below till the, till 87. 86. 86. I just knew it was time to stop. I ended up homeless. I ended up in a bad situation. I just didn't like what it would do to me. I was stupid, but I wasn't that stupid. I knew that it was the root of a lot of my fucking problems along with, you know, sometimes you have a problem that's going on, an issue, an issue in the back of your mind that it's eating away at you and you drink alcohol and you smoke pot to relieve the issue or the pain or whatever the fuck's eating away at you. But then you throw a certain drug on that motherfucker and it's like fucking alcohol on a fire. You know, it's like gasoline on a fire.

And cocaine had that type of energy mixed with what I was feeling. It was perfect. They were perfect from one another. It's like a storm. You know, there's different variables to a storm. When there's a hurricane, you got to get warm air and cold air that they meet, don't they? Yeah. Some shit like that. And they spin around and you have a fucking hurricane or whatever the fuck. I'm not a meteorologist. But that's the same thing that goes on with human beings. Yeah. You know, sometimes you add alcohol to it and it takes that problem and turns into something else. Sometimes you're at cocaine with an issue. I'm not saying a problem. You have an issue. Your wife left you. You lost a brother. You're angry about something. You know, your anger is

from something. You know, sometimes when you die or somebody dies, you go through different stages and it becomes sadness to mourning to anger. You know, and you got to remember, okay, my mom died. That's cool. That's cool. I could live with that. Anthony Balzano died in the eighth grade. Then my mom died and I could live with that. So this is November 79. But then August of 80, one of my best friends died. That wasn't good. Dominic Spachial, his sister, is still tight with me. So at that point, my state of mind was some completely... So that's three and less than two years? Less than two years. And I'm eating acid. I'm eating acid, which is helping me because it's

breaking down the process. Acid breaks down the process in your mind. It's like eating a mushroom. That's why I tell people, if you have a prawn that's eating away, I'll get a mushroom. I'll get a mushroom, sit in your apartment, lock the fucking door. At one point of that trip, your mind is going to play out that hand. It's going to really play out that hand and you're going to break that down. You know, they say that all the great musicians wrote when they did acid stones, not the stones like the Beatles and all that shit. I see it. I see it. I see it. You know why I eat edibles? Why? So I get to a level that I'm really fucked up on the THC and I start giggling and I come out with jokes. That night, one of the funniest things to me that I've ever

said that I laughed at myself was when I said that you were the head of pornography in Washington. You know, I was so high to say that because I was so out there. I was so out there, so high, and this is the shit I have to write down at night. Like I do great writing in the daytime, but after those edibles kick in at eight or nine o'clock at night, you expand your mind. You know, you lower your inhibitions. It's really weird. I used to be a salesman on the phone during the week. I could sell, but something was wrong. I could make two, three thousand a week selling. I'm not bad. Like Danny B. that calls in was salesman, or natural salesman. When I did Coke the night before and drank, if I did Coke till about five or six and then went to work at

seven, I'd sell a bunch more. You know why? Because I was unconscious. I didn't know what I was saying. It's amazing. The days I had really good days, it was because of the night before. But once I started getting high for the purpose of that, then I didn't sell shit. I would just get so tired. But if you don't think about something, you're unconscious. You go back to your memory muscle, your muscle memory. Is that why you, like you always seem to say when you're like, if you're doing a weekend of comedy, the last two shows or last show is always the best one. Is that why? Because like you've, you've done it and you're like, it's more like memory. Like you're not thinking about the jokes anymore. Thinking about them. You added the tags. You had to add to them.

You're a lot looser than Thursday. If you listen to Thursday's session last week in Sallies, it's two different worlds. Yeah. Yeah. Thursdays ain't bad. What we thought wasn't bad. Once you listen to Sallies, it's fucking bad. Thursdays is bad. You know what I'm saying? You're like, oh, that's what happens when I don't go out during the week. You forget those tags. You forget little things, your body movements. That's why you have to work out. You have to stay looser in the week. But you saw Friday, I was a different person. And by Saturday, I was a complete different comic. That's crazy. Yeah. You know, Thursday, I'm more chatty. What do you mean? More chatty. My act is more chatty. It's, there's more waste. There's this and that. Because Thursday night,

I look at a notebook and everything I've been making notes of during the week, I throw up there just as a throw up. Okay. Some people write a full joke. Some people go, you know, what did I fucking see last night? That was interesting. I saw something. And some people will take that right out and write the joke. I'll take that subject, throw it out there without a punchline. So I'll force myself to say a punchline and I'll write that punchline down when I go home. And from there, all right. Okay. Because I was forced under the gun under the gun. I'll never write that fucking joke. We were talking about the gay guys last week when I said, gay marriage passed. I'm very happy. But don't fucking come crying to me. You know, yeah,

when kids say you're my daddy married my uncle, you know, it's a bunch of craziness. It's the same shit. I wrote that joke on stage. Now I can tag it offstage because now I have a direction. You know what I'm saying? So that's that's what happens. Okay, who the fuck knows about where some music for what time it is, what time it is, bitches. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's a day before the motherfucking for it hit it Lee. Oh, shit. Old school fucking arrow, Smith. Tremendous just to keep you going on a Wednesday morning. By the way, this is the last Wednesday morning we do. We'll take the Wednesday show until the afternoon. It's killing me. Oh, no, we're doing it because it's awesome. We're not doing it because we're tired.

No, no, no, we're doing it. Switching around Mondays will be early. Get the week started. Yeah. Wednesday will be in the afternoon. We're doing two live podcast a month. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. They kicking. Get that motherfuckling little something for Boston. Still in my hopes and prays. I never forgot what happened. Secondly, oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's a fucking jam, Jack. We forget how fucking great this song is. Smith was a fucking monster. Please get those early five out.

You cannot go wrong when they caution how five hours on fucking hit it. What were these guys taking? This is where they they should keep taking them. I forget this without this is this is maybe coisely. I don't even fucking know. You never read the book? No, no, no. They were blowing your mind. They were doing a lot of fucking heroin and the singer and the guitar player weren't talking. You had you had to live in the house all together in Boston. Yeah. And they would have to fill out a piece of paper like sign up by sheet. So at seven in the morning, Brad Whitford and the drummer would go downstairs and play the fucking drums in the base or whatever the fuck the guitar and they would lay

their tracks down. It's from Toys and the Attic. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? Those are great albums that I grew up on that I play for years. I just leave the album on the whole fucking side. Tremendous. Aerosmith tremendous. Remember, they did it all without Twitter and fucking Facebook. They did it all by word of mouth. I mean, you got to call your cousin in Boston and go, hey, when this band Aerosmith comes around, take the $8 and go down there and see what life is all about. That's crazy. I mean, when I grew up, did they have strawberries where you were? It was like a music store? Strawberry here. And they had like a list of the concerts coming to town. Like even that was cool. Really? I didn't have strawberries. I had my own mind.

You know, man, we had the radio and then we had the fucking and yeah, we had things from England. There was a shot called Things from England that sold you. Look at Lee's smoke. Hold that smoke and Lee got in there. Look at you. There you go. So you've been juicing cheeseburgers? What you've been eating lately? I fucked up a little bit. What'd you fuck up? What'd you go to McDonald's? Who'd know? What happened? That's good weed. Oh, there's tremendous weed. We're the best for my fucking little nephew, Lee. So yeah, there's a place by where I work now. It's kind of like the Chinadilly you go to. It's like this quick little Japanese teriyaki place and I went there a couple days this week. And as I was leaving today on the window, it had a bee health rating. I was like,

fuck, I can't go there again. It tasted fine. But I don't know, fucking the bees scared me. What did you eat? I had a chicken teriyaki with with steamed rice in the salad. Yeah, with the little juice juice on the fucking salad. But they always have like, you know, nice little salad dressing. Yeah, no, it was delicious. Not bad. No, a bee means that a bee means that maybe they left a towel out or something. You know, that's what it means. It doesn't scare you. A C or a D means you're a filthy motherfucker. But you see this one pisses me off. They remember when the health department comes to check them, they tell them they're coming. So how can I tell you I'm coming? You're still fucked up. Yeah, exactly. That's what I understand.

So but sometimes a bee is because you did something, maybe you didn't have the chicken on the right temperature, your shit blood. No, no, you're okay. And they tried to sneak it by me like, you know how most most of the time they have in the lower right hand corner, this was the top left of the window. So I didn't see it. And then I got in my car, I was like, what the fuck? You see, you like going into all these weird places, you drive and see a place and think it's okay. I don't do that shit. I normally I mean, it's right next to I've worked down there for like six months. So but then somebody at work tell you was delicious and nutritious. No. So why the fuck would you go in there? I see a thousand fucking places that I

could pull over. But nobody told me. I don't know. I mean, sometimes they'll do yell, but sometimes you're yell. Yeah, what the and believe some fucking mook that had to turn to put on a fucking computer. And I had a sandwich there was that the fuck out of here. It's usually you can tell by fucking life. My experience. I don't go nowhere when I haven't heard nothing about. So what what do you do then? Nothing. I don't fucking eat. I go with my goombas fucking go. Did you see Rogan last night? He posted on Twitter. I'm going to San Francisco. What's a good place to eat? Your goombas will tell you. And how's that different yelp? Listen, he knows there's two or three people that he's friends with on Twitter that are eaters and they know what he likes. It's like I have a

friend that's a movie guy. If he calls me and tells me to go see a movie, I go see his movies because I understand him. He understands me. I don't believe some fucking white dude on ABC News that tells me fucking Iron Man is good. That's never gonna fucking happen. I don't know him. And these fucking idiots walking around him. Would you trust one of these guys with a food suggestion? No. But there's a couple people that they come to me like Steve Simone. Yeah, he told me about this fucking deli. Yeah, that's the dude. He's from fucking Philadelphia and half his life is about food. You're following me. It's like eating from a fucking skinny chef. Why would I eat food from a fucking skinny chef? You don't eat. You're a fucking hypochondriac.

But sometimes you're out. No, sometimes nothing. Don't go into a place unless you know. There's no possible way to live like that. Yes, there is. Because there's got to be one place that you do go into down there and you know what their food's about. Go in there and then you ask those idiots at your job, you see what the fuck they eat. If they come in with a fucking chicken Caesar salad wrap from Subway, nitch that motherfucker from your life. Do you follow what I'm saying, Theo? There's certain people you listen to. If you see a motherfucker who comes in and takes the time and he has chicken cutlets and he breads them, well, you go to that motherfucker and go, listen, I didn't bring anything for you. Where's something good around here? He takes care of

himself. But some guy that eats like a fucking mutt like you see him with a Subway sandwich, I wouldn't listen to that fucking guy. You eat Subway sandwich? I'm a 2-inch 2-inch 2-inch once a fucking year. It's a big difference than taking advice from somebody who tells you what spicy Italian is the way to go. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you, dog? Yeah, but what? When you're in Minneapolis and let's see how many friends there, you're going to go hungry because you... You walk around. There's a fucking... Do you know that's gone around for 20 years? Hold on. If there's a fucking fog of a child, you're going there. You know these people. Do you understand? It's better than some

mom and pop fucking store where you go in and they're picking their nose fucking selling laundry on the side. Do you understand what I'm saying to you, though? Then you wonder why they gotta fucking be ready. Is anybody calling? Not yet. Jesus Christ, not a crutch. So that's what I'm trying to say to you. Don't go into those. If you don't know, if nobody hasn't told you, why would you go in there? Oh, because it looks good. I had a friend that did that waste money. Take a chance at a fucking place. If it's between me taking a chance at a place, I'm going to China Deli. And what's your phone? This fucking guy. What's the problem? I text you the number to call. That's what fucking look I buy. This is what I got to deal with.

I mean, I've never really been burnt by a Yelp. It's usually been pretty good. I mean, so I only go if there's like 8,000 reviews. I don't go with two reviews. If there's like 500 reviews, unless they get the wings, I'll get the wings. What are these people that are fucking reviewing it? I have no idea. Here's my man right here. At least Ari should fear you bad motherfucker. We're talking about food and going into restaurants. You know, I'm trying to, Lee said he went to some Japanese. Lee said he goes into restaurants three days this week. And on the way out last night, he saw the place had a B rating and he felt bad. And I'm telling them that guys like you and me, we only, I only eat at places where somebody tells me they went down

and it's good. I won't just walk into a place closed because I like what the fuck they're saying on the walls or what the price is or nothing. How many places have I turned you on to that been tremendous when I give you a fucking Yelp? When I give you a fucking thing and I go, Ari, I went there to eat. Make sure you go in there. They have a fucking bad. No. Fuck no. No, it started with the walk. It's tough. I'm coincident and no. 10 years ago. I live like this because I go for quality and value is number two. Yeah. No, I know. That's the place to go. And I was like, dude, Joe Diaz told me where to go to eat. I think I got to go. And I went there fucking 90 times before I moved out. And I said,

it was delicious for six bucks. You'd eat like a savage. And then from there, we went over to China, Delhi and the Valley. We went to, I've told you about a thousand places. Yeah, we've done because I always get your lunch special. That's the most important thing. Yeah. They have a great lunch special. That's a walk at two. It was like two and a half meals for one. I'm in charge of lunch special. I know what it is to have eight bucks and to make it work for you. We don't have time to take eight bucks. Oh, well, they have Indian food. I ain't going in there. It's I'm telling him, you know, like if he talks to somebody at work and he goes to the cubicle and they're eating a fucking subway sandwich and they got a smile on their face,

you bitch that motherfucker from your life. You don't ask him for food advice. You follow me? What's happening? I wish you, I wish you fears in the food capital. Talk to me. What's going on? You've been there in the month now in New York. I missed you. I haven't eaten in my apartment one time. I've gotten delivery a couple times. That's it. And it took a single meal in there. And it's delicious. Everything you eat. Yeah. Non stop. They had this place of my little piggy has roast beef. It's open till like two a.m. I go there on the way home roast beef sandwiches. Roast beef sandwiches with cheese with they have these strongy sliders with like gravy on it. It's really good. And what about Chinese? You've been telling them from Chinese?

All right. Here's the problem with Chinese food in New York. It ain't great, man, especially late at night. There's not that much. You think there'd be plenty. Even Chinatown is one place open and nothing delivers after two. I'm not a big Chinatown guy. I've never happened, man. Never happened. I don't know what the big smells and the looks of the players, but the food, it's just not like what you said in New Jersey, there's better Chinese food. Bro, I'm a chance dragon in guy. I judge everything on the pork fried fucking rice, the egg roll, the egg drop soup. If after that they can't make it happen. We got nothing to fucking discuss. Yeah, it's all coming out of the egg roll. Simone was here and all we wanted to do

was to find a legit style egg roll. We went in Chinatown, meet him at court. We walked around for 35 minutes just going like, can we see your egg roll? And it was always that stupid, like, tie kind and not the Chinese kind of look like you have fucking herpes and general awards on it. I cannot believe that little skinny egg roll shit has passed to the East Coast. If I went to a restaurant in the East Coast and they hit me with one of those skinny fucking veggie egg rolls, I'd snap like a fucking twig right in there. Man, before I left, I swear to God, I wish you're free. I'm going to make you fucking drool. Before I left, every time I would steal, I would go to 33rd Street. There used to be a restaurant that was there for years called Billy Hungs.

I used to go, they used to have a picture of my real father up on the wall there. Did you know that? Really? I mean all the Jews used to go in there after a heroin score and fucking go crazy. And when I was a kid, I'd go in there three, four, five. I went to the time I was 20 and they used to, their specialty was a lobster egg roll, a fucking 33 dollars. 33 dollars for a lobster egg roll, but it was a meal that lasted you for a fucking night. 33 dollars. Fucking delicious. I'm talking about a fucking, I'm talking about a lobster tail, huge, wrapped with a fucking egg roll. I'm talking about a meal. You understand? Oh no, no, this was tremendous, but still my best all-time pork fucking egg roll was Chance Dragon. That's the best one. Is that where George got me?

That's where George got you. That to me. Oh, that was great. When I was shooting down in Dirty and he came to the hotel. What a nice guy. Came all the way to the hotel and bought me an egg roll and some pork fried rice. It was fucking good. I thought I was just taking it as a favor. I was like, all right, this guy's nice. Let me just take it all in two bites. He was too good. And they give you the good duck sauce. Not that red shit they give you out here. They give you that good duck sauce. You dip it in the duck sauce and the fucking hot mustard and you eat that. Oh my god, delicious. Last time when me and Lee went, two years ago, I brought four egg rolls back to my room that night. Do you know that like every time I get up to pee, I take a bite out of the

fucking egg roll, even if it was cold, just out of respect. Because I knew I would never eat an egg roll like that out here ever fucking again. Oh, wow. And they're gonna take a chip down there just to go for that. Oh, no, no. Just tell George to pick you up on the other side. Just let me know when you want it. And I have George pick you up on the other side and take you. There's two places on the other side that if you live in there, you got to try. Definitely change dragon in. And there's a place, Ari, that I'm scared to tell you. This is how good it is. Because this is how good it is. That's how good it is. My friend said the other day, I spoke to my buddy who's a longshoreman. He said the other day he had to go down there. It's a horrible place to go, though. That's the

problem. There's no parking. You have to take a bus there and really enjoy it. They only make Cuban steak sandwiches, Cuban milkshakes, and Coca-Cola, and iron beer. That's all they sell. The Yankees before they- Coca-Cola and what? Coca-Cola and what? Iron beer? The Cuban Coca-Cola. But the main thing they sell, they only sell one thing, is Cuban steak sandwiches. But they put the French fries in them with the fucking cooked onions. Jesus fucking Christ. It's called Dos Hermanos, steak sandwich place. The Yankees, when they practice in the city, like when they practice in the Bronx, two of the Yankees live in the Guttenberg. They go over there and they get 30 fucking sandwiches and they bring them into the city. That's how good the steak sandwich is at

Dos Hermanos. Dos Hermanos? Yeah, George will take you. And you also have to go to 70th and Manhattan and get some Cuban Chinese food. That will probably- after you have the Cuban Chinese food, you will probably never come back here again because that's a Jews paradise. They fucking love it. I'll tell you whose favorite restaurant that is. Henry Winkle, the Fonz, lives on 70th and Broadway and he was telling me that whenever he's in New York, he goes, I take the fucking plane. He goes, I have the limo driver from the airport stop at the Cuban place, the Cuban Chinese place and get me food and I go home. And that's Dos Hermanos or something? No, that's right in Manhattan on 71st Street by Susmans, by Stand Up New York up there. Ask around. There's a Cuban Chinese

place on the corner, 71st and Broadway, something like that. Okay. Okay, I don't know what it's called. Yeah, we need to open up a Cuban Jewish food place. Who? You. Listen, bro, if you have the Cuban chicken soup in Fort Lee, New Jersey across, you'll see the similarities with the matzo ball. Bro, it's so fucking good. It's so fucking good. When it's real chicken, when they take the bones out before they give you the chicken soup, it's so fucking real. Oh my God, but a Cuban fucking, can you imagine a pastrami sandwich of black beans and rice? We'd be killing motherfuckers. Oh my God. Killing motherfuckers. Why don't they have that? Oh my God, a pastrami sandwich with fucking black beans and rice and fried bananas. And press. Oh my God. In fact, I'm going

for Cuban food tonight. I'm meeting Rudy Sarzo. This is the guitar player over at Criollo. We're going to lunch. He just got back from the tour with Eva Mangstein or whatever the fuck. And he sent me an email. We're going over to get some Cuban food in Burbank across from Costco there. But yeah, they got some Cuban Chinese food in Manhattan. Two people have told me when I did, you know, who was talking about it when I did Children's Hospital? Fondres talking about it with some other actress. That's big time. And she said that she goes there three fucking times a week when she's in Manhattan, because she lives around the corner. She goes, and they're both white. These are white people. I'm telling you, when you go into this fucking Cuban Chinese place,

for starters, do not go in there high. Do not go in there high. Because when you see a Chinese No, no, because when you see a Chinese person talking Spanish, you have never been more freaked out in your life. When you see a guy that's Chinese and fucking when he's chinkier than Bobby Lee, and he's talking Spanish like me, oh, yeah, that one out of the row. You'll fucking die when you see a Chinese guy talking in Spanish, you fucking die. It's the worst invention in your fucking life. So me, Lee, take two minutes and tell my fucking other Jewish brother how strong the hash gooby beds are that we ate here. God, I had like, what was the cheese at 200 milligrams? It's 200. Okay, there's three pieces.

These are little smoothies. They're called Los Gumis Hermanos. And they're watermelon. It doesn't tell you it says ish, but it doesn't tell you the amount of THC also available black cherry lime mango. What was the most I never had two fucking 50 milligrams of high grade ash oil. Oh, that's what's in them. Now, I love my chiba chews. Anti Dolores has had a 500 milligram fucking brownie that will put you on another planet. You'll see Martians and Jimi Hendrix and Yoko Ono suck your dick with a fucking captain's hat on. But these fucking gooby beds, we're going to eat these motherfuckers right now. What do you think, Lisa? You take one and I take two. I got to go to the doctor anyway. How many do you have? How many left you

have? I'm not done for you. Now, when are you coming back? I think I'm going to be the party party. Oh, that is for one day. I mean, they are so fucking strong. You take a you take a fucking chibo chew and you mix it with one of these gooby beds. They'll find you another planet. You'll wake up next to Buzz Aldrin and shit. Eat that motherfucker. Are you broken in half? I did. Let me see your other health. Can't waste it. You got to keep coming. Wait, for scale, how much of those anti Dolores peanut butter brownies? How much of those? I got a bag of shit right here. 50 milligrams, how much of those? How much of those? Which one? The peanut butter brownies one they can't have at the Russian or next to Ralph and let me tell you what I got.

Let me tell you what I got in my travel bag. I got caramel corn that Lisa eat a bag at before we leave. Jesus. I got Ari, I don't know how you go on the road with him. I couldn't, I couldn't talk for two nights. I don't know how you do it with him. I couldn't talk. I could barely move. I was I got an anti Dolores 100 milligram bite, which is so and I got the other medical cannabis the mint chocolate chip brownie. Oh, I think they go around 80 90. But this tassel. Listen, no, the gummy bear, you don't taste anything. You don't taste it. It's really delicious. I gave one to Eddie Bravo. He was fucked up. That's the night fucking we got fellow Cheney afraid of original Joe's. I couldn't fucking show you. Yeah, we went to original Joe's.

Yeah, we three times in a row. We went. Listen, you know what else I got here in front of me? I got a jar of koi ludes. I saw I'll set. I'll save you one of these two. All right. Somebody gave me a way to do one of those for you. I've heard yourself some of these stories, but I've never seen a way looted public. Yeah, I got four of them. Me, you leave and we'll split one three ways and we'll give it to a check. They used to call these light spreaders in the 80s. I don't know if you still got the same results, but so what's going on in New York? Tell me something good. You're lifting weights, you're doing jumping jacks. What are you doing? Oh my God, this whole city is just fucking it's

like it's in the heat. Everyone is the girls don't dress them anything. It's hot. So everyone has two tops on and mini skirts and little shorts to show the bottom of your butt cheeks and everywhere you go, you just pass these girls on the streets or you walk next to them for two blocks. So you just get a boner for fucking days. It's so it's so hard. Everywhere I go, I'm just filled with desire and everyone is here and then it rains and you see a bunch of like hot girls and barely any clothes with like wet shoulders and hair. Oh my God, I'm about to start masturbating in the subway. So where are you right now? You're on the subway? No, right now I'm on the street. I have a girl sleeping outside when I'm five so I wouldn't wake her up. They're doing construction

in my place behind me. They started eating the morning. That's why you called up this morning. You told me yes? Yeah, I'll be able to sleep through it every other day. Someday if I'm not heavy sleeping, I'm not real good through it. The buzz saw. I can sleep through that. The nailing I had trouble with. What else is going on? Tell me what's cracking. You're going on the road. You're right when you're singing. I met with Chill yesterday. I'm getting an answer by next week. I like them. I'm going to shoot a special with somebody. I don't know who yet, but we're going to make this happen, Lisa. Chill guys are cool. Even if you don't shoot them, we're the next local guys. But I'm just here for the next two months, almost all in the city.

At least to like mid-August. And then you'll come back here. I'll be back this September 12th and 14th or 13th and 14th. I'm playing Gotham. And I'm doing a Lang that Thursday night. So I'm going to get a hotel today in the city. I got to talk to George because I don't have to be there till 10.45 at night. So I'm not really going to walk around the city except one day I'm going to go to San Gennaro feast and see how it looks out here. Yeah. So what I'm going to do is I think I'm going to think I'm just going to get a hotel in Fort Lee and have my buddies drive me in and pick me up at night and drive me back and I'll pay him or something like that. All right. Well, then I can get your hotel while you're

while you're doing a show. They gave they gave me an amount to get a hotel or used to plane tickets. I said that we don't really have that real juice. The Nazis don't understand that. They say, well, they gave me, you know, $700 for a plane ticket. I could have used that all. I know you don't use 250 and you pocket 450. Use your head. Well, I'm going to I got to fly in though, too. I got to fly into to Newark and then I'm going to go from Newark. I'll take you to this place after Artie's show. This is my moon falafel next. There's one next to one in the village and there's one next to the seller. What do they got? She got falafels. Delicious. What are falafels? What is falafel? Yeah, it's ground chickpeas deep fried. It's it's it's Middle Eastern food.

Israeli Middle Eastern food. How about I hit you with chickpeas? I don't eat chickpeas. All right. I got gyros. I'll eat a fucking gyro. That's my shit. It's Israeli version of gyro. Shwama's the Israeli gyro. But what do they put? They leave the chickpeas out. They put it just straight the meat that's just turned in a state, you know, the upright fit that just turns all the time. That's like a heater. You can't have them put it's best with hummus on it, but he won't eat hummus. I don't like it on my fucking table. I hate hummus more than I hate fucking ranch dressing together. Oh, the smell of fucking hummus drives me bananas, especially when I'm on a plane and some fucking jerk off whips it out. I want to fucking say something to you know, on a plane,

everything smells different. A fart smells different. McDonald's smells fucking different. Everything smells different. I don't know who the fuck is buying severe ethnic food and saving it for the plane. A lot of people do that shit. A lot of people do that shit. Fucking The Play Ocean stuff smells like my grandmother's asshole. No, I know it's fucking disgusting. They pull out that immigrant food from another nation. Listen, I went to a Cuban place in Tennessee last week. He lit the gate. Yeah, I gotta tell you something. I fucking went to a Cuban place in Lexington, Kentucky. I gotta tell you, I read delicious. I read delicious, but they fried foods in there in oil. My clothes stunk so fucking bad. I had to put them in a bag

and put them in my luggage so they wouldn't stink up the rest of the dirty clothes. Like I had to take my luggage, open it up, and I've been being a kidding on mine. You gotta do me a favor. You can't cook with that oil no more. It's killing me. It's killing me. My stink, my neck. When I sweat, it's in my sweat. I hate that fucking ethnic oil. It comes out of you? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it in my clothes. My wife makes pork chops sometimes. The house smells like that. I gotta look at it and go, all that stink for this for fucking two pork chops. Not my clothes stink. Pork chops are overrated. Pork chops are overrated. No, listen, bro. Here's the deal. You get nice, thin. There's only two ways to eat a pork chop.

You fucking get nice, thin ones and put them on the grill and get some red beans and rice or you go to the Bronx and get, listen, bro, take a fucking train to Grand Cron Concourse, get your fucking phone out and find the Puerto Rican restaurant, go in there and get the red beans and rice with the fucking pork chop. Nobody makes a pork chop. Nobody makes a pork chop like a Puerto Rican. And I tell you this not in a comical way. I tell you this from my heart. When I grew up, I grew up in front of Bossasuto and his mother was Puerto Rican, the father was Cuban. The mother would make pork chops and put them in a brown bag over the refrigerator, like a burglar bag. They were fucking delicious. I would eat those things every time I go to Friday's house. I would

excuse myself and just go to the bathroom for fake just to steal a pork chop. His mother would say, who ate all the pork chops? I ate six, seven. Nobody makes a pork chop like a Puerto Rican, honey. And you got to go to the Bronx, to Arthur Avenue and get some fucking Italian food. Yeah, I haven't gotten Puerto Rican food yet. No, you got to go to Arthur Avenue, go to Arthur Avenue and the Bronx and get yourself a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and call me right from the fucking restaurant. Where? Arthur Avenue and the Bronx. That's where they still got the best fucking spaghetti tremendous. And you got to get a hold of fucking, what's his name? Bert Kreischer.

And tell them to get a hold of Adam Richmond for you. You know Adam Richmond. Adam Richmond? Yeah. And you ask Adam Richmond anything. You go, Adam Richmond, I'm looking for a fucking Vietnamese Jew restaurant. You give Adam Richmond three minutes, he'll find the few Jamaica Queens. They're there. Somebody's got some, some fucking Vietnamese guy married a Jewish chick and opened up a deli. I guarantee you. But if it's there, that kid, Adam Richmond knows exactly where it is. He knows this country really good for food. Adam Richmond, but fucking the Brooklyn and the Bronx, he knows like the back of his fucking hand to the point. He'll even say, what do you want your meatball? You want to meet meatball? Well,

you want the meatball with the lamb and the fucking pork and the flavor. And you'll sit there and go, what are you talking about? That's how good that is. Wait, what are you talking about? What is that? Well, there's two, you know, there's people who make meatball certain ways. So a lot of people use like meat and pork and like fucking a little bit of lamb for flavor. And then they make the meatball. Some people just take fucking, you know, some white people just take a meatball with Italian breadcrumbs and dipping an egg and you know what I'm saying? So he has the fucking people who use the meat. That's how good he is about restaurant spots in New York City. What are you doing most of your spots at? The stand on like 28th and 3rd. How was that? They opened up in like

October. It's got great food. They hired like, they have an upstairs and a downstairs upstairs, they got a bar, but they hired like a chef to cook the meals. Like a culinary academy chef. So the food is like, it's not bar food, it's like regular clothes. It's like they have like tuna tartare, cannolis. It's like nice food. And the bread pudding, it's so good. When I get high, oh, I see that back table and she's bringing desserts. I'm already getting high on this fucking edible. I swear to God, Ari, I should feel that's how good, yeah, yeah. But I was already a little high from the Cheebo chew this morning. I have for breakfast because they have a Cheebo chew that's a little lower. Not your second year and second edible. It's not

even 7am. Fuck, who the fuck? It's the 4th of July. There's not fireworks just in the sky. I got fireworks in my head and my digestive tract. I got fire. I went to acupuncture yesterday. So I feel bad. I wasn't supposed to eat edibles this week. The show about the popcorn that Disney made for 4th of July. So we have the popcorn tomorrow. Really? Barbecue and much fireworks. Where you going for the 4th, my little, where you going for the 4th, brother? Renzi invited me over to Long Island, but it was late. So I think I'm just going to do the barbecue at the Skyway and Raiders department. We used to have both Santa York and Boston Comedy Club. And so we had barbecue, we got a roof, we can watch the fireworks on. So who's giving you most of the spots? The stand then?

Most of the stand, also a bunch of stand up in New York. And then I do like little spots around, you know, Brooklyn, like one night rooms, you know, the hipster rooms. I'll do some of those. People's places at bars. They have bar shows here, but they're not bar shows like in LA. In LA, they're just, you just go to some bar and you do comedy and there's always people that just want to drink and they're like, shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear your comedy. I always feel like I'm imposing on them. But here they have separate rooms in the back of the bar. They close the door and if they're a whole separate area, you're not imposing on anybody. And they're actually pretty good. You get like, you know, it's like a 30 person room. You get 28

people. It seems really packed. Good for you. All right. Where should I take my special at? What was on the list? Houston, Texas. That's not bad. They love you there. I mean, you're big in Texas. That's not that idea. Sacramento, San Jose. San Jose just went to, so you can't do it there. Can't do what they all saw everything you're going to do. No, so Houston. No, no, no, I'm not doing that stuff. I'm doing a whole new hour. Houston, they told me October, November from, yes, from this last week, because I taped the

CDs. They're doing a new hour from what you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're going. How? I don't know. We're going to go for it. In October, what are you going to do? Like test real testing and such stuff? No, no, no, no, no, I'm going to go for it. I got a bunch of shit in the notebook that just not developed that I've made little notes and I'm going to go for it. That's it. What are you going to do stuff you've been doing for months for? Just stuff that's a year or more? No, I know how to work it out. I got this already half worked out. So it's pretty good. You know, they offered this to me. I had a thing. I was like, well, maybe I'll take this hour and develop it till October. But I'm like, no, I'm not going to do that. It's already, I've

been doing this fucking hour since February, you know, and just in different situations. Like I was telling Lee, when I went to Columbus, I was telling Justin yesterday, you know, Justin, when I went to Columbus this February, my standup was garbage. My standup was shit. Yeah, I was having some bad sets. Because of my wife had the baby, I took that time off. And it really affected me differently. And I didn't make notes, I was writing a book only, and I was writing shit about the holidays and stuff. And I didn't really, and then I had to start all over again. And it was just weird how it happened. I had this shit in the notebook. You know, Ari, I got shit notebooks that I've written that never looked at again. So I went back and took all these bits out and I said,

and all of a sudden, bam. So it's not like I had to write an hour from scratch. I'm lying to you. But you already had all the ideas. I've only got 20 minutes. Yeah, I probably got 22 minutes right now. But once I take it on the road now and start stretching it and playing with it, it'll be an hour. But yeah, yeah. We'll be fine. We'll be fine. You know, we're not, we're about Bergen and we're about New Jersey. I got too many fucking knuckleheads in my hometown. They might start a fight and shoot somebody to shoot me. Who the fuck knows? Imagine getting shot at your own special. You'd have to leave it in. You'd have to leave it in. People are really digging the storytellers,

the thing you did for Comedy Central. I'm getting a lot of people fucking threatening me. One is yours coming out. Fucking tell Ari to get it out there. I mean, people like fucking buck wild over this shit. Yeah, it looks good, man. Oh, I see them. They look fucking Ari, man. You started a thing. In two years, we're going to be like master storytellers. They're going to contact us to go into town and tell stories once upon a time. A long, long, long, long time ago lived a skinny Jew with glasses. They barricade fear. You've been going out for commercials or anything? Nothing. Nothing. It's dead. No, I had to tell Lawrence to introduce me. I forgot to get on him. Introduce me. He knows somebody out here, Abrams or something. He wants to help me up with. Yeah,

I got to do it because I don't do shit on a day. I just walk around and look at things. I just go on auditions once in a while. Yeah, that's a good point. I'll call Lawrence. We'll call Lawrence and we're going to San Francisco together in October, right? On November, we're going to fucking St. Louis together. Yeah, so we're going to San Francisco together. Are you going to be out in New York September 12th through the 14th? Let me look first. I think I will. I think I will. It's a weekend, right? Yeah, if you're home, let's make it happen. You will go with a chance. You're not home? No, I'm in Wisconsin. We're out of Wisconsin. Madison. That's a good room. Yeah, the State Theater, I think, or something like that. Yeah, it's a good room. What are you

doing that with? It's me. What's a good room? Somebody's from Wisconsin. I don't know. Yeah, I've heard about it, so I'm excited to go. But so you're going to be here. That would be fun. I'll see you in Boston with Rogan. Are you going? Yeah, I'm going. I'm going. I switched my dates on. I'm shooting a movie in New York and I'm going to shoot right from New York to Boston. I'm going to do the room with you. How long are you shooting in New York? Some fucking three days. I had to move Michigan around and then from there, I'm going from Boston to San Jose to do that 94 Jam Special up there in Mountaineer with Russell Peters and Angela Johnson. Are you going straight from Boston to San Jose?

Yeah, I'm not watching the fights. I'm not going to stay for the fights. Oh, okay. Those are good fights, too. That fight wasn't that good. No, it looks good. It's Rua against Champ. Champ. Give him the fucking up that. You know what? I'd like to see Sonny get another fucking beat none for his marriage. They're going to call him a fucking black guy. Well, I love you, cocksucker. Don't forget about me. People are loving the story. I'll save you a quailude. And when you come out next Friday, I'll have a Goobie Bear for you. Is that a good place for it? Yeah, when you come out next Friday, I'll have a Big Bear Goobies for you. And I have some fucking tremendous Cheebo chews. They got the new one for pain relief now. Did you know that?

For what? Pain relief. So it gives you the cannabinoids, cannabinoids, and it's got these fucking cannabinoids. Yeah, whatever the fuck you're saying. Don't forget about me. I love you. Thank you for calling today, cocksucker. You're going to give me a party back full of drugs. I love it. Don't forget. Go get the Cuban Chinese food. Oh, I'm going up there. And I'm going to call George today and see when he can pick you up next week. I have George pick up a poor authority in Weehawken. Or you take the, have you taken the ferry yet to West New York or over to Jersey? I haven't picked you up. No, but I took the tram. You ever take the tram to Roosevelt Island? Good, huh? Pretty fucking good, huh? Yeah, cool. Yeah, you get up there high. You see the whole

sturdy. Yeah, you take the, you go to 48th Street there, you take the fucking thing over to the Jersey side, not the Hoboken, but to North Bergen where the plane landed over there, the U.S. there. And I'll have George pick you up on the other side and take you to Dos San Manos. I talked to him today. Then he'll take you to a chance, get you some egg rolls to take home, and then he'll put you back on the fucking bus. All right, we got to switch over. I love you, cocksucker. All right, bye. Bye, Joey. Bye, Lee. Bye. Bye. What's up, you sexy savage? How are you? We go from one sexy savage to the other. What's happening? Beautiful. Oh, how are you? You know what I mean? Still recovering from the weekend. We just ate some Gooby Bears for breakfast, and I'm going to make

you eat some fucking caramel calling here to get the sugar to the next level. It's 7 06 in the morning, Joey. That's the best time to fucking eat an edible. 7 06. Who wants to eat an edible at two in the afternoon? You do. Well, that's a two. We got to eat one now. You know, Anthony Dolores is on the fucking phone. How are we going to get that shit together? What's up, beautiful? Anthony Dolores, I gotta tell you something. After you left, after you left, a couple people came over to me and said, who was that girl? She was fucking hot. You had a couple of fans there that night, Anthony Dolores. A couple guys were looking at you. They said you were banging and shit. Oh, that's very sweet. Don't be talking about Anthony Dolores like

that to me. They were saying all sexual in the Nintendo's and shit. Lee was talking shit about you. I was too hot to talk. He came over to me and said, where's Anthony Dolores go? I didn't say shit. Don't go fucking lying to me. You told me she was hot. I was high during the first show and I went outside to get some air, but it was too hot out there. You wanted to be cold. It was like 80 degrees. I was freaking out because the doors locked to the club and luckily she was going to the bathroom or something and saw me and let me in and I couldn't even say thank you because he gave me one of yours. He gave me one of yours and then a gummy bear and expected me to be fine and even you said you're like the queen of edibles. Even you said

that's too much. I don't think this is good. I gotta tell you something. There's some very good edibles out there in the market and I love getting high. I don't like drinking. I don't like doing drugs, but I gotta tell you some Anthony Dolores, you're fucking brownie. It's so good. Are you talking about the fudge cake, the 500 bite? I'm talking about the fucking 500 bite. Yes, we're talking about the 500. That thing is so yummy. You know how I do it, right? I eat the top layer off first like a little kid and then I save the guts for later because the guts is where the good shit is at. Like so when I get up in the morning, I eat the top layer like a little kid and then by one o'clock after my meeting is done, I go home, I take a look at the baby.

She's with water and I eat the rest of those fucking guts and I drink a big thing of water. Oh my god. Please keep your edibles away from the baby. Oh no, I keep them in my own room. I keep the edibles locked. When I hear edibles and baby in the same sentence, I immediately go into it. Sometimes the crumb is, I'll tell you what, the fucking crumb hit the floor and demigated. That motherfucker slept for 18 hours straight. I was poking him by the fucking refrigerator. I was kicking him and he was passed out. I got a cat that loves chocolate. You know how they're not supposed to eat chocolate? This thing fell and this motherfucker ran from my dimmy none of them. He ate and he knows dimmy. Dimmy's got a cat with a personality like he's a, he's a, he's a

jokester. So he thought he was going to get the chocolate and play a joke on me. Little did he know. I fucked him in the ass that cock suck it. He was on that stand all the way on the top thing. I swear to God. I go by now. Dimmy, every time he walked by dimmy, he goes, wow, wow. He wasn't saying dick. I walked by him and looked him straight in the eye. He just looked at me like, dog, I can't even say nothing. I'm so fucked up. So. Well, that's why we added that to the packaging because it used to say, keep out of reach of children with Anthe. Because there's so many accidents with pets and edibles. And then you got to worry about the chocolate too. It's no good. Listen, I'm not even worried about the dogs. I'm worried about the accidents I get in at my house.

Fuck that. Sometimes I eat an edible and I have fucking accidents at the house just sitting there. The remote control falls, you know, it's a fucking nightmare. My problem is I don't, I don't have accidents like that with, with edibles because I know how to dose our product. I'm scared to try other products. I'll be honest with you. Like, people give me stuff all the time and I do try it, but I go slow just like I would as if I had a really low tolerance because I don't know how it's going to affect me. And most times it doesn't because my tolerance is pretty high. But here's the other thing. Dabs, man, they fucked me up. Like, I can't, I can't even do a dab. You would think I'd be able to handle that, right? I can't.

Like, it's just, it's too much THC for me all at once. And I guess because there's nothing, I don't know, it's just, it's too much. And I get really... Which one, the brownie? No, doing dabs. Like, you know, going to the hash bar and taking one, and I'm like, you know, just sends me to another planet, like more than edible. See, it's weird, but I think it's just because I've got this tolerance for edibles. So now I'm trying something else. It's like another way to get the medicine. And for me, it's too intense. I got to, I guess I got to break myself in a little bit better with it and go slow. You had a bowl of the brownie I ate the other night? At first, I don't know if you noticed that one part of the night I had to get up,

and I was holding onto the stairway. Did you see that? I didn't see that. I was worried about you because you had half. You had, so you had 250 milligrams, right? Right before you went on. And it hit you really fast. Like, I noticed that you were feeling it, like within, it seemed like 20 minutes. And usually, like, if it hits you that fast, it's going to come on really, really strong. So, but you did a great set, man. I was rolling. You are fucking funny. I mean, I think you're funny, but that was the first time I've seen your show. Funny how? Funny what do you mean? Funny how? Funny, funny how? Funny the other funny? Funny I'm going to abuse you. No, I'm just playing with you. Because, you know, I've seen like clips and stuff online, but like when you're there and you get to

see all your fans and stuff around, it's just people, people are really cracking up. It's good. We had a good time. We have a good time at the shows, but no, that night I ate the thing right in front of you. And at one point, I'm like, oh, this is not good. It's a point where you feel your blood pressure is dropping. And I got up over to the stairway and I held to the handle and I asked the manager, go, what do you have for appetizers? And this motherfucker is running the menu by me. He's like, well, I have this, I have that. I go, just bring me some. And he kept coming back, going, how about some fries? I'm like, just fucking bring me something. And he came back with those five shrimp. And until that time I was spinning out of control. I would have not gone on stage.

I would have gone on stage and told him the truth and just laid on the floor. That's it. If you ever have that come up again and you get too high, try some CBD. You know, if you smoke some Harlequin or one of these other CBD rich strains, you know, CBD is cannabidiol. It's another cannabinoid that's present in cannabis, not all strains have it. And then there's some strains that are, you know, being grown that are really rich in that cannabinoid, but it doesn't get you high though. And it has a whole bunch of health benefits. But one of the things that it is effective for, and not a lot of people know this, I guess, is that it can act as an antidote to THC in a sense, like if you smoke too much or you're

just too, too high from THC, if you smoke a CBD rich strain like Harlequin, it will actually bring you down. I don't even know what to fucking get Harlequin. I don't even know where to get that strain. Well, it's hard to get because one, it appeals to a certain type of patient and many of the patients that want it are not interested in getting high. They're interested in all the medicinal benefits and the list is very, very long. Just go online, type in CBD. There's so much research out there, you know, but it is hard to get if you're going to clubs that specialize in, you know, high THC strains. I mean, everybody is interested in getting high, but there's plenty of folks out there that want the medicinal as well. But I can get you in touch with the right

people for that. All right, yeah, because I have accidents all the time. My old D every other week. I'm an old D for that, I have a feeling. We got some CBD addables too. I can give you some of those. The problem is they don't hit you as fast. If you're using it in that way, you're better off smoking it or vaping it, you know, I'll get you some of that. This is great. So I use it all the time. What's funny is like I'm sitting outside because I'm staying with my friends down here. And when I come down here, they give me a room to stay in and stuff. It's cool. But like it's early in the morning, I don't want to get on the phone and wake them up. So I'm sitting in my car and I'm like, I'm rolling a joint. I'm like, I'm going to smoke some Harlequin right now because

like it just chills you out. It kind of gives you, it's not the same buzz. Obviously it's THC, but it is, it's really nice. I would definitely suggest it if you've never tried it to smoke it alone and don't mix it with anything else. But I was trying to mix it with something else, my little mortgage board. I got like a little, you know, a little jar that's filled with a bunch of different stuff, right? And I just rolled joints with that. So I'm sitting here and I'm, I'm like mixing up all my stuff and I'm like, am I smoking CBD or what? And I started smoking it and I got high. So I guess it wasn't the Harlequin. Nonetheless, because I feel, that's feel pretty high right now. And I haven't even had an edible yet. Well, you better get on it. It's 706. You're fucking

slipping. You know what I'm saying? Where are you doing a demo at today? I'm way behind schedule. Oh man, today is going to be nice. That's going to be a lot of fun. I've got a demo tasting happening up at Holley Lead. That should be fun from four to seven. People are down to come check that out. We're doing another one out in Venice on Friday at California Alternative Caregivers, four to seven on Friday. So I'm just trying to get some visits in to some of our other clubs and I've got a new sales rep down here that I'm training. What else? Yeah, he went to Noho Organics. So tell them to take good care of their family. Yeah, I think our delivery person dropped those off a few weeks back. Yeah, that's my home. I want to follow up with those guys and see what's

up. But yeah, I'm going, I'm going there today. Yeah, I'm going there today. I love Jay and I love, I love Divine, I love Divine Wellness. I love them. All the guys over there, the edibles they have are probably the best. They have a great selection. They really push your stuff. But I also love Noho. Yeah, I like Noho Organic. I'm loyal to my two spots. I really do like them a lot. Good for you. Yeah, they're good people. It's like, you know, it's like going to a fucking doctor's office every day. And I go every day. I go whether or not I need weed. I still go over and give them a 20 and get some weed to go. And listen, you can never have enough weed. What happens if there's a fucking earthquake here? What happens if there's an earthquake and I got

to grab a weed at the fucking house? Somebody's going to get choked in two days. But if we got a quarter or a couple ounces at the house, there's an earthquake, you don't give a fuck. You got under control. I always got extra papers in a baggie, just in cases of flood. I can't believe you were worried about him and fuck you cock something. So I'm already fucked up now. You already fucked up. Yeah, you gave me a fucking elbow. That's what we're supposed to do. You gotta get up. I can't stand up right now. What are you doing tonight, my love? You'll be around? You know, I don't have plans, but I'm in this demo until like eight or something. I'll give you

nine. I'm going to do a spot at the ha-ha up in the valley in Studio City, right down the block from Divine Wilderness. You come up and hang out. I want to check that out. What time are you going on? I'll probably go. I'll call you when I get out of Jiu-Jitsu. I got out of Jiu-Jitsu at 10. I'll call you and see where you're at. So it's right down the block. It's right down the block from Divine Wilderness. We're going to hang out and smoke some dope. With any luck, the Mexican taco lady will be out there tonight with some hot dogs and some bacon around there, motherfucker. Are you a vegetarian? No. Okay, beautiful. We got tacos for your chicken and beef and pork. Yeah. Yeah. I'm supposed to hang out with my friend, Danny,

and you know what? He's a fan, so I'm sure he's stoked to come with me, you know? All right. I'll give you, it's right down the block from Divine Wilderness. So you're right across the bank, right there, this little comedy club. I'll put your name on the list. You go over there, you hang out. We'll have a cocktail. The Ha Ha Cafe. Lee will be there. Nice. Oh, Lee's got to work tonight. He's got an interview at three. Fuck him in his fucking interview. Cocksuck. He got no interview at three. Nobody's doing dick to it. Nobody's doing dick after one. Well, they are. No. They're meeting me. When I got up this morning on my block, there's no cars. That means nobody's fucking working. How do you like them there, apples? I love you, Andy Dolores. I'm happy you call

today. Thank you for coming to the show and supporting us always. You have the best motherfucking love in the world. I love you. You're a sexy savage. I love you, too, sweetie. I told Ari yesterday you were a sexy savage and he couldn't believe it. He goes, that sucks. She makes edibles and she's a sexy savage. That sucks. I love you, too, man. I'll see you later tonight. I'll see you tonight. Thank you for calling Mama and breaking. When is the 500 milligram going to be available? Next week, it looks like. We're supposed to get the bags this week, so if there's no delays there, they'll be hitting the clubs next week. If not, the week after. Andy Dolores, we're going to eat you on the first live podcast. That doesn't sound good. We're going to eat you. We're going

to split it three ways. That's what we're doing for the first fucking live podcast, July 29th at the Ice House. We're eating that motherfucking three ways. All right. All right. Okay. I'm going to bring you some tonight. I love you. Thank you for always being a savage. Bye. Bye. How lucky are we? Let me give some shout outs to some motherfuckers here for being the best people in the world. Clinton Lawrence, Dead Squad, Down Under. I love you guys. Dead Squad everywhere. I love you cocksuckers. Matthew Conway, you're killing me. Jay Dummy, April Falaschi, you sexy bitch. I'll eat your fucking toenails if you let me. Leon Vegas, you over there in Germany or in Spain jumping up and down and more Maria Ren or whatever

his fucking name is, Mary or Ren. I don't know his fucking name because I'm too high. Also, for you people trying to get in shape, for you people trying to get your life together, go to honord.com. Check fucking, bad Andy. That's his fucking name. I love you. Michelle Carr, I love you too, you sexy bitch. Look, you got a bikini and a monkey in your fucking Twitter picture. Not a real monkey, not a pussy, but she got a picture of a fucking hero with a bikini. How high are you right now? You went more like three different conversations at once. I'm not going to tell you how high. You just threw your glasses off. That's right. They're looking a little sick. I'm like, I'm outraged. I fucking had it, all right.

Put a little sweet emotion on. I want to see you dance with a peep in school. Do you want to face me? No, I want you to play. I want you to put on allusion real quick. By who? Doesn't matter. Just put on allusion. Just put on any allusion. Just call the allusion. All right, let's look. Allusion YouTube. What's the name of this band that sings it? That doesn't say show me optical allusion. No, just allusion. That's what I'm doing. God damn it. Let's see. Let's see if this is it. It's the soundtrack to FX. It's the last song.

How's this? There you go. Take the earphones off. Let me see you dance one good joke. This is a jam. This is what I was dancing to in 82. You can quit allusion. Oh shit. Go to audit.com, motherfuckers. Get your shit together. Crank that, motherfuckery. No, you're snapping your fingers for this, Sammy Davis. You're telling it to dance. No, dance. That's how white people dance. No, you're Jewish. That's the whitest of the whites. Well, maybe not. Maybe a second. I don't like this.

Get up, Liga. Let me see the wiggle for daddy. Give me a little shot. What? You're getting up and dancing. I can't get up right now. What's the problem? What's the problem? You give me gummy bear and six in the morning. So what? You got to get it together, though. I have it together, but you have to make a choice between me dancing and me doing a gummy bear. Give honor a shout out to you. Go to audit.com and look at the strong bone today. Did you go to audit.com and get your fucking alpha brain? Absolutely. Get your life together. It's your life first. You're fucking slipping.

You got six months left in 2013. What's wrong with you? Have you done your fucking thing? Have you done your thing? 2013, have you accomplished all your goals? You need help? You don't need a life coach to listen to this shit or any other podcast. Get some alpha brain. Learn to focus a little bit on what the fuck you want. You look at that chicken, you go, I wonder what's under that mini skirt. Take some fucking alpha brain and you can see right fucking through the mini skirt and see what that bush looks like and take it from there. That's all I got to tell you today. That's it. That's it. And after you look at that girl's skirt,

go to Hulu Plus, go through the banner on joeyds.net or go to huluplus.com slash joey. I just looked right now. They have the Chappelle show on there, which I find that general motherfucking hospital. General hospital lost in space. Come on now. We ain't fucking around at Hulu Plus. I've been telling you people for the last month. I'm sick and tired of telling you. Go to joeyds.net, go to Hulu Plus, put Joey in there and get two free weeks of fucking Hulu. Starts tomorrow and I'll tell you why. It's the 4th of July. What are you going to do? Listen to your fucking relatives all day talking about shit. What's on the baseball all-star game? Whoopee. Fuck that shit.

Get some Hulu, catch up on the Chappelle show. Get a couple of other episodes of general hospital. Maybe you missed SNL when Justin Timberlake fell back. Oh, it was so funny. What's that to come? And when you're at the barbecue, you don't want to be. If you have an iPhone, an iPad. There you go. Right there on the phone. Somebody's giving you a fucking heartbeat. You get your phone, boop, and you watch fucking community like a doctor. Who the fuck's going to say something to you? You put the earphone on, the ear plug and just not make believe like you're paying attention to that stupid fucking store. And beside that, what do you have to tell you? It's July the 3rd. Tomorrow, you know, lift some fucking fireworks

in my youth. I'd be in Chinatown, negotiating with Chinese people right now, picking up an egg roll, a pack of fucking firecrackers, some cherry bombs. Did you do firecrackers? Fightin' everything as a kid. Nigga chases everything. What? What are those? It's a bottle rocking. You cut the stick off and it just spins around and chases black people. No disrespect to nobody. That's what they call them. Nigga chases. We are mid-time. I never did fireworks. So if you found the bottle rocking, you took the stick off, it went crazy. No, people don't know. Chased black people. Chased black people. That's it. A couple of Arabs, but there was no Arabs there. So it was not. Okay. I had a fucking half a stick of dynamite

one time. Is it? No, you didn't. Yes, I fucking did. Like one of the cartoons. You go to Chinatown and buy anything in those days. When you say dynamite, like you mean like from the movies or like your cartoon was like a red stick? Half a fucking stick. Half a fucking stick. With a long ass fuse for a fucking, we were going to take out a block. How did you get dynamite? Fuck it. Don't worry about it. What are you asking questions for? Thirty fucking years ago and shit. I think we ended up throwing in the huts and we got scared. That's like my most terrifying thought. Like you with dynamite. Fuck it. With Rifa and an animal from Anthony Dolores and Chibu Chu and some fucking colegular juice.

You ain't going to listen to me. I have to. You haven't swam in two weeks. You don't juice no more. You don't take care of yourself. You lose 70 pounds. You go off the deep end. I don't go off the deep end. You were fucking, you should have seen him in the original shows. He was taking the spaghetti with his hands. I was not. I was like an Egyptian king. Like a fucking. What are the people going to think now? They're not going to invite me over for dinner now because they. No, you were picking up the food. He was picking up the fellow Chini Alfredo looking at me just dipping in his mouth like a fucking gavone. I couldn't breathe it. I could have to think about breathing when we were there that night. You're thinking about breathing. You were eating.

I was not at about a quarter of the plate because it was. I had a quarter of the plate. Cocksucker. You ate bread. You gave me two fucking animals. Two fucking gummies. Oh, so blame it on the fucking animal. I am going to blame it on the animal. It's so funny because I was talking to some fucking, I don't mean to assault nobody, some fucking AA guy out there about coke and he was telling me how, you know, he, he, he, he, he blamed the last 10 years of his life on cocaine. I'm like, you know, that's an easy fucking cop. I could have blamed a lot of shit on cocaine. What? It was me. I fucking added that fuel. What? But what? What? Stop it.

Relax. Take a deep breath. The English guy and animals. What beautiful. Why, when you said I don't want to offend anyone before you said AA, why would that offend anyone? People get offended. You know, they say, I'm an AA guy. But you just called it a firework, a nigger chaser and you're like, I don't want to say the word AA. I don't want to offend nobody. You know, that's what they call me. What do you have to fucking tell you? I don't, you know, I love black people. No, but that's what I'm saying. Like, I don't, I don't understand why AA would be an issue. I don't fucking know. You know, AA people, they're all undercover. They don't want people to know they're AA. They're a friend of John

or a friend of Joe, whatever the fuck. I don't fuck. Okay. I didn't know, you know, how it goes. I'm not here to offend them, but I'm just trying to get a few laps and for you to start your day off, write your goals, wash your pussy. You know what I'm saying? Wash your feet, spray some desinics in your nutsack. It's going to be hot out there today. You know what? I got an itch. My fucking balls are fucking rare right now. Do you rub baby powder on them? Sometimes I forget to rub desinics. My wife yells at me and I rubbed the desinics on you. I popped all the pimples on my ass. I got to go doctor say take a shot. I'm not ready. You know what I'm saying? I always have to, especially if I'm going to walk, I have to have baby powder with me. Why would I? It

hurts. Like if we had been in San Jose and it was hot and like you were sweating, it would have been an issue. Like even when I was younger, it always used to happen. But uh, you're going to get a hooker this weekend. No, I'm not going to get a hooker with this weekend. We got this little girl coming over. She's going to stop me. You know what? Now it's a verb. Now it's the make of the verb. She's going to come over. What is the little juice jumping on? Saturday. So Saturday? This Saturday? Yes. Oh, I guess what I'm doing on Friday. Why? The new arts having a midnight showing of Jaws. I've never been to the new art. I'm excited.

I'm bringing the girl. I know you're like, what the fuck are you going to go to the new art pool? You want to join your coach? You're going to have a nice fucking joint? I don't know. I'm excited. You're going to take some menable to see Jaws? No. You're not going to bring an edible for her? She's never smoked weed before. That's even better. No, it's not. That's mean. That's something you would do. No, that's not mean. Yes, it is. No, it's not mean. You just said you could almost couldn't go on stage. She's 23. Okay. So she's an old nothing consent. You give her a little caramel corn. You put it in the popcorn show and never know the difference. So let me just make sure I understand what I'm saying. You don't want to see Jaws, right? You don't want to see Jaws.

Yes, I do. It's a good movie. It's a tremendous movie, but it's better if you fucking got a little edge to you. What if I'm what if the terrifies me? What if I freak out over the fucking fake shark? Lee, get it together before I smack you. You understand me? You're not going to freak out over a fucking fake shark. You're 24 fucking years old when I'm on the edible. Get it together. You know what? This is what's killed me about a fucking, that's it. I'm not listening to this shit. No, I'm going to fucking stab you with the American flag. It's the 4th of July. It's a beautiful time to have food and hang out with your fucking family. And it's also a time to fucking reflect on why you're a fucking American. All right? We ain't pussies. We're fucking Americans. You understand

me? Hit it, Lee. Get it together. I want to hear my unemployment or the present or this guy's a cocksucker. I want you to get up and be a fucking man and face it. That's what we do as an American. What would Abe Lincoln do in Thomas Jefferson? Allegiance. That's right. That's right. Of the United States of America. Two times. And to the Republic for which it stands. One nation. One nation. Under God. Under God. Indivisible. No, it's not indivisible. Invincible. For all. Invincible. That's what the fuck America is. You dumb motherfuckers. I don't want to hear about unemployment. I don't want to hear about a bomber's wife. I don't want to hear about nothing. All I want to hear about is how you got up and you fucking washed your feet and you put nice sneakers

on and you went out and you picked a piece of paper and you became a fucking American today. You didn't cry or fucking wine. That's all you need to do today. Have a happy 4th of July. Blow your fucking finger off, cocksuckers. You're fucking unbelievable. Oh, I love you, buddy. So now that the show's over, guys, you got something to do tomorrow. You're going to relax this weekend. Go to Hulu Plus for all your favorite head shows that you can get the free trial at joeyds.net or the with the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey or the banner at joeyds.net. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. Music on a little fucking children grave. Let's kick them off with children. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Monday at 6am,

July 18 Philadelphia, July 25th, the Ice House, July 29th, the live podcast with Lisa. Yes, Lisa yet, the very special guest.