Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/08/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #95

Episode Date: July 9, 2013

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Master Stephan Kesting calls into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/08/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus you get total control to watch thousands of shows whenever you want, wherever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL and more. Right now our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Shit. Monday, July the 8th. Are you kidding me or what? Are you fucking ready? The summer is upon us. Put the firecrackers away. Chinese people are done for the fucking years. It's over motherfucker. July the 8th, Monday. Get up, shine your shoes, comb your head, take the Sandman out of your fucking eyes, put some fucking Q-tips in your ears,

take that wax out or pack it into the fucking ear like I do. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Welcome to the church of what's happening now, you know what I'm saying? Oh shit, he looked in the mirror. You not gonna share today? Come on over, cocksucker. I'm looking California. Oh shit. Oh shit. I don't know what the fuck you're thinking about today. A beautiful Monday morning. But this is it. So now you know. All right, Lee, hit it with the fucking music. All right, you over there coughing the depth and shit, cocksucker, two hits. There's my main man, Lee Syat. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Hope you had a great and safe weekend. Hope you got all your fucking fingers. Hope somebody didn't shoot you in the ass with a Roman candle.

We don't even make fucking Roman candles no more. They don't. Remember what a Roman candle was? The one is like a boo boo. Like it's pie stuff. Yeah. Very interesting what you said to me this morning that you don't like fucking the fourth of July with the fireworks. I've never understood. Since day one. Listen, I don't understand fireworks. I don't understand fucking parades. Anything you can fucking do every year. I don't understand. I ain't going down there. And it's not like I get it from like little kids. But when I start being like 13, it's always the same. They always have the one that sparkles and they have the finale that always disappoints. And there's eight million people there. And it takes three hours to get

out of a parking. And at a certain point, I just stopped caring about it. Like I like fourth of July stuff. This is what I want to see. Are you ready for what I want to see? You want to see an asshole fight or something? No, I want to see somebody get shot first. Once you afford the July show, get like somebody who fucked up in the neighborhood and you shoot them in the fucking leg or something like that. That's the way a good fourth of July celebration always ends. Then the climax is like lighting somebody on fire or something like that. That's it's 2013. You know what I'm saying? At this point, that's what the fuck you want to see. But if you think I want to go park, walk with a fucking hill, eight dollars, sit with a bunch of other fucking

families and see fire. And at the end, when you're shooting fireworks, that's a fucking pissing. But you don't know what it was when I was a fucking kid. There were legal Massachusetts. So I don't know about legal fucking. I didn't do none of it did nothing. I was fucking legal. All I know is going into Chinatown with 50 fucking bucks and coming back with cherry bombs, fireworks, bazookas, fucking sticks of dynamite, you know, M80s, all that shit. And that was it. You went over there, you came back and fucking fourth of July while you were sparking them and shit. You were having fun. But they sit there like a moment. Oh, look at that. Ooh, get the fuck out of here. The fuck out of here. I just killed an American, you know. And I hate to say this is

fucking wasps. I didn't think about it till yesterday. How much a wasp fucking person bothers me. What made you think about it? I went to Domingo's yesterday. Finally, just the restaurant and Steve Simone and all those guys who talk about fucking bad ass. But it's small. It's an Encino. You know, this domain, let's get to the story from the story. We live in California. We live in Los Angeles studio city, North Hollywood. Whatever the fuck we live up up here, there's the valley. You know, a lot of us live up in the fucking valley. But here's the deal that, you know, I'm not the type of New Yorker that complains about food. I really don't give a fuck. Obviously, in 15 years, I'm walking around weighing 300 pounds. Something's

good out here. Yeah, you know, you can't say I see these fat New Yorkers and say food sucks. Me, I'm not one of those dummies that's going to come over the bagels. I don't give a fuck. I make the best of what they got. And whatever. Once in a while, though, you want to wet much of that sandwich on a heart breath. You want all this shit, you know what I'm saying? And you just want it. Yeah. So sometimes you got to get that food, you got to drive. You got to drive to Cavitellis, and the heart of fucking whatever, or this place, or this place in Burbank. I've taken you to Pinocchio's and got there. And that is what it is. You accept it. It's not the best. When I took two of my buddies from Jersey, I came in June, they were like, this ain't bad. It ain't fucking

exquisite compared to the rest of the country. Whatever. I went to this place yesterday, Domingo's. Our buddy Steve Simone called into the podcast. My man, Diego Stina, they always go up there. And then Stina was called Domingo. It's not fucking bad. I go in there. First off, there's like one person behind the fucking counter. So I'm getting aggravated already. There's three of us. There's some fat chick from Italy fucking waiting for something. There's some dude with sandals on, the whitest fucking dude of all time, Johnny fucking white bread in this fucking Italian deli. You know what I'm saying? It says fucking ham and cappicola and prosciutto and all this shit. They got fucking scungillo.

They got all this shit. And I got Johnny fucking white man at this deli with sandals on with size 13 feet. He's got to be fucking 55. He's one of those white momos you see with the fucking pen and his fucking shirt on a Sunday with shorts on over there getting a fucking turkey sandwich. And I'm sitting there and he's making a big deal about this fucking turkey sandwich and I'm about to stab him because you get a turkey sandwich anywhere. You fucking watch me fuck. A turkey, this is like the only Italian deli in the fucking valley and you got to come here for a fucking turkey sandwich. You fucking watch me fuck with a fucking mayonnaise, whatever the fuck they put on their fucking bread nowadays. That miracle whip and that other shit. And he made

a big, he came back like, there's not enough lettuce. I fucking want to stab this motherfucker. My wife knew I'm, you know, on Sundays is my worst wash fucking day. You know, I like when I travel and I bump into different nationalities and different type of white people. I love you crazy white people. But these waspy motherfuckers, let me tell you what they do to society. They walk around the society ignorant. That's number one. They're just society ignorant. And they're so uptight and so fearful that they spread that fear to their kids. You were walking to an airport with fucking luggage and guy funny walks in the door and stops because he's mesmerized with a fucking airport. And you're like, Hey, buddy, stop over there. You can't stop in the middle of a fucking

door. They stop like, look at all these times you fucking, and this guy's probably an engineer and his wife's a fucking school teacher, but they got no street fucking knowledge at all. They have no street sense. They have no social incompetence. They're fucking dummies. These waspy fucks. It's like, yes, the Italian WC one person mother, go to Rouse and get a fucking Turkey fucking subway got Turkey with jalapenos and fucking that shitty avocado from Nicaragua that eat with communist fucking juice for $4. And you want to come to fucking whatever this Italian place and all of a fucking time when he was in Turkey almost had a heart attack of his real fucking Turkey, you know, it was real fucking Turkey that I'm eating and I see him walk

back with those fucking sandals that I wanted to fucking step on his foot. I'm sorry. And then from there, I was a farmer's market in North and the studio city. That's true. Fucking wash central over there. Another bunch of dumb fucks. They stick out in the street, pull over. You see a fucking cars over here with his blanket. They love that shit in LA. They love to fucking pull up to a car that's waiting and they'll wait till the guy decides to keep fucking going. The guy that spot is in there. This mother fuck. When I see people put behind me to go in, I take my time. I make calls to Europe. I don't give a fuck. That's why I take my time. No fucking how me. Get the fuck out of here. Keep moving. You don't know if I'm in here scratching my balls or what

the fuck I'm doing. I'm sorry. I got emotional on Monday. No wonder you were so fired up when he came in. Fuck. Yeah, I can't. Oh, I fucking hate these waspy fucks. And then you try to fly with them. They're the worst. Our line of that security line, they fold. Oh, yeah. They fucking fold. They start asking questions. I left my change. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're white and you're smart. You're intelligent. How can you be so fucking stupid? And then I went to met Jerry LaRocca at the fucking Marie T. The cafe there. Yeah. And there was as soon as I'm telling you, he's like, what's the matter, dog? I'm sick of these waspy fucking fucks taking down this country. They're the ones with their stupidity in their fucking Dudley do right fucking attitudes.

And then that's what makes them dangerous. Like a normal white person, he calls your cocksuck and you smack him in the face. That's it. You're getting your car. You go home. These waspy fucks don't buy a 911 and wait there. They're gonna press charges. And what the fuck are you tough press charges? You dummy. You got sandals on fucking dummy. Fucking dummies. Give me a little I want to be around and count me down. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You understand me? It's Monday. You got to work up a little fucking edge today. Somebody's got to pay for you getting up. That's it. Plain and fucking simple. Let's smoke some reefer. This reefer is tremendous. I want to be around tremendous. Get some more Uncle Joe. Tell me

this shit ain't good. It's amazing. Tell me this shit ain't fucking good. A lot of candle for all the people that mean something in your life. My niece is getting surgery today. So I had a lot of candles morning. Say a prayer for their spirit. Say a prayer for your beloved spirit. They gone. They moved on to the land of the truth. But it's Monday. It's that day. Celebrate them. Smoker join from blow fucking smoking that picture like I do. The niece that you like the bad the one who plays basketball. Yeah. I fucking had a nervous breakdown yesterday myself driving back. You know, she don't need this shit. She's a senior in high school. She was going to fucking be an all

American this year. And she taught at the ACL. Sometimes life gives you messages in weird fucking ways. This is the second one. She's torn two in high school. Fuck. Yeah. Sometimes God sends you a fucking message. No more basketball. No. No more fucking basketball. At least not for this year. She read shirts. But my niece got a lot of shit going for her. She's five foot 10. What do you want to do? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She's beautiful. She's smart. She got balls on her. I just hope she don't get pregnant and fucking ruins and everything. But what are you going to do? People survive. He's my niece. I love her no matter how she shows up. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome.

Well, I hope she she gets up fine. How's your feeling? You had some like need problems on a say no say. Yeah, I got to go back to start next Monday and start getting these three shots in my knees to hit this gel they put in between your kneecap. Fuck. To fucking. If the first needle hurts, I'll never go back. You'll just cut it off right above the knee. That shit makes me faint. And I've been getting anxiety lately. Really? I've been getting a lot of anxiety. Yeah, I've been getting anxiety. Little bits of anxiety and shit before the UFC fight. I got it. I got it before I went on stage last week. So I got to loosen up a little. I got to loosen up these waspy motherfuckers. Keep them away from me. Yeah. Do you know what I'm fucking saying?

It's Monday, July 8th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Get up. We'll get a handgun. Go do something. Same. Do something, motherfucker. Something like, you know, I'm not gonna get a handgun. So yeah, what do you think about the fights? Mine's will get out of the way. I went to Vegas. I did two shows. Fucking both shows were great. Oh, you did two shows? I did. I did the show with Joe Rogan at the joint. Had a great time. Met some cool people afterwards from Jersey and shit. Just met some great people. The joint is a great place for comedy. Then from there, it was Grappler's Quest. And from there, I covered for Ralphie at the South Point Casino Hotel and Casino off the strip. Oh, yo, that's cool. Dirty at 1230. They do it every week. It was fucking great. I had a great

fucking time. And then I came home Saturday. It was the end of four weeks I'd been on the road. I didn't want to stay for the fight. I just want to come home and relax. And then it was happy. I went home. I went to my friend's house. I watched the fights. I hung out with their kids. I, uh, we got Chinese food. Oh, shit. Yes, I woke up. I hung out with my baby and my wife. And I got aggravated by going to the farmers market and whatever. It's just great. It's great. I'm home now for 10 days. Then it's off to Philadelphia. Hopefully you'll get the CD finished this week. Oh, yeah, the Philadelphia would do all the add-ons for these beautiful people to see the hopefully go on sale the last week of July. And now we're going to be working on the

fucking physical special. Oh, shit. Enough with me. What happened with you this morning? I know you dated. You jumped up and down. You had the old freaks over last night with the fucking brothers and shit over here. Yeah, I had a great weekend. I started to see this girl and, um, it's Spanish girl. Yeah, you fucking dirty Jew. Oh, yeah. She's Mexican. You guys. And I went to, it's funny because I went to John Lovett's site and there was a Jewish girl on stage talking about how she won't do Jewish guys. Absolutely not. Because they're gross and blah, blah, blah. I'm thinking about how she was gross. Does Ari, does Ari date Jewish girls? I doubt it doesn't seem like. Ari dates everybody. He dates everybody. He's a fucking animal. He don't give a fuck. He's equal

opportunity dick slinger. Anybody could suck Ari's dick. Just give him a call and send him a fucking Facebook. Yeah, but the thing I was thinking about was like when you look when I'm still young, even though it seems like I'm not, uh, when you date, like when you're younger, you date the wrong people just because you don't want to be mean or hurt people. And I was thinking about it. We went to watch the UFC and we start outside with everyone. We had a bunch of drains and then we ate, but we, she was out there for two hours. She never, she doesn't watch the UFC. Then she went to the concert I wanted to go to and she said something to me. She's like, tonight's like, tonight's about you. Like I want you to have fun. I'm like, I was thinking about,

I had girls who wouldn't like, they would never go watch the UFC or do like, I think it's important to date someone who like, like, it's like not even nice, but like they think about you. I don't know. It was the worst thing in the world was going on a date and in between dinner, you know, you never want to see this bitch again. Yeah. And that goes the other sides. Ladies, I understand that you feel you go out to dinner and you sit and watch me eat and you're like, no, not fucking happy. He's got food on his shirt. He's got shit in his teeth, you know. Yeah. And it's really bad. It's really bad when you date somebody for a long time and you know, sometimes horny this does some wild shit. Oh yeah. Hey, listen, man, I'm not gonna lie to

you. You know, lately I've been thinking about calling my ex-wife and calling my daughter. It's really been bothering me lately. Just making a call. You know, there's a lot of anger there between everybody. Do you care about the ex-wife? Everybody. No, I don't care about nobody. Yeah. I don't care about those motherfuckers because at the end of the week, they tried to cut my legs off. They went for my legs and that's, you know, some people, when you're down, some people take you down and you're good and you move on. Some people take you down and kick you. Some people take you down, kick you and drag you. Some people take you down, kick you, grab you and fucking try to cut your legs off. That's addicted to me. Emotionally, you know, I didn't deserve that shit. I wasn't

that bad of a person. But again, I made a lot of mistakes myself. I'm not gonna sit here and say, so I've been just thinking about it lately, just because of what I'm going through with my new family. You know, I remember all these stories from my sophomore year and doing drugs, but I really have nothing to remember about the beginning of that, of our first 18 months together and that makes me sad. Yeah, I know it was because I was addicted to drugs at the time, but the other side of that coin, I just wasn't into it. So maybe they felt that also. Maybe that's why we're not together. So there's two sides to every story and every situation and just being mad enough to fucking look at that side of it. That's the big thing that we all have.

It took me fucking 30 years. Don't look at me as a genius to think this way. It took me a long time at 20. I would never think this way. At 20, I was still looking to fucking kill you. Just with my thinking. I'm still looking to stalk you or do whatever the fuck I can to take you down. All the years, thank God, Comby came into my life and swept me off my feet and gave me a purpose. I'm very lucky, but we all find the fucking purpose if you look. Nothing happens on the fucking couch. The only thing you can look for on the couch is change in the seats. So that's why you don't want to live on fucking change. You get the fuck out of the house. So thank God I found something. So thank God. So what time has prevailed? I think for me to move on

with my family, I have to close that door more. I thought by doing all the obligations that it was it. It's more than obligations and paying child support and doing all that dumb shit. So you're not looking for a relationship. You just want to get closed? No. I just want to know that. Let everybody know that shit happens in life. Nothing's worth dying. I can leave here in an hour and get hit by a fucking car and that's it. That's the end. I died with thoughts. We were married. We have a child together. Something must come into her mind from time to time, even if it's hatred. And it comes into my mind. There's hatred also. What the fuck are you going to do? You can't love everybody, bro. You cannot. It's humanly

impossible to love everybody. But I think I want to close that chapter. It's that time. For me to grow as a man with my own family now, with my daughter. My daughter got a years pissed over a weekend. Oh really? Did she do okay? I didn't go. I can't see her shit. I had anxiety just thinking about it. But you know what? She went with her fucking godmother and her mother and the godmother's daughter and I stayed with the boys and watched the UFC with the husband and it was a good girl's thing for them. But I really thought about how special it was for Jackie that the godmother went. She really liked Jackie. Janice, my baby's god. She really likes, she's Filipino. Yeah, she likes Mercy. They all, her family and my wife, Jizz, and

everybody gets together and the kids, you know, it's just, I love the kids. I really love their kids. Yeah, you love the little daughter. Yeah, you would give Goofen what they're at. Oh, we were Goofen this weekend. She always goofed at me. As soon as she called me Uncle Joey this weekend, it really got my fucking heart going. Really? Yeah, she's a cute kid, man. And the boys are great. They're like 10, 13 and they tell me about basketball and that's awesome. Yeah, you need that sometimes. So, you know, when you, when you, somebody like me is uptight and wraps so tight, I could talk for comedy for years. If that's what you want to talk about, we could talk comedy for fucking years. Yeah. And it's great, but not really. Every once in a while, you just want to hang out

with normal people and just talk about fucking stupid shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Stupid farts and eating ass. Did you eat a rest this week? No, I did everything else, but did you look at it? I saw a glimpse of it. Next time you have to give it a little like a little snack. I was very happy with the fucking rest of it. Give a little fucking whack just to quit. You have to give it like a, like a spaghetti and meatballs. No, just give it a little, just to see. You're not going to, you're going to be in shock. You're going to go, don't smell. You're going to get closer, you're going to get closer than you want to satisfy. And then one day when you're eating that monkey and you pop your finger in there, you stick that little tongue wire in there and it's

over. Did you see what happened last night? I was just going to say thank you so much for that. And Big Jamal and the other fucking guy jerk who signed up for it. It's no guys. You see that? This guy named Big Jamal who signed up. I know it's Big Jamal and Tyrone, where the two guys just signed up. Where's the other joint leads you're taking? You smoked it. What the fuck, Lee? No, it was two. Don't be kidding me. I thought you heard it from me. Lee Lee, sciatnish. Lee, I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'll be going to Jijitsu. Okay. And then I go, I do my fucking shrimps. I do a couple drills because I fucking die of being on the floor on my back. I die. I have a hard time. Yeah. And then he teaches his technique and then

you practice technique. And again, everybody's fucking breathing and I'm dying. I do it. I do it and I keep going back and I keep going back. And one of the kids, Manny, real cool motherfucker, Jijitsu. He trains at John Jackson. He comes down by us, but Valley, cool motherfucker was training with me. He goes, dog, I thank you for the, for the honored stuff you gave me because I had some honored stuff in the house. I got, I gave him, I got some other stuff safe for a friend of mine and Baltimore. I'm going to bump into him Philly's coming to the shows next week and Philly, I'm going to bring him some honor. So he goes, I go, do you really like it? And he goes, yeah, you know, he goes, I like that protein. It was tremendous. But he goes, I'll tell you what,

I really liked it. I like the shumtech. I go, why'd you like the shumtech sport? And he goes, because it gives me more endurance. And that to me is what I'm aiming for. Yeah. Cause he sounds like someone who trains a lot. Yeah. He trains fucking at John Jackson. He comes down. He trains there at night. That's a lot. And he goes, dog gave me so much I'm doing stuff. I cracked open a bottle and I took them. I did the U political fucking 62 minutes an hour. I did file. It was fucked up. And I only smoked pot, you know, and I just went down and I stretched. I did a bicycle for 10 minutes. I ain't got a lot of the, I'm sore as fuck. I'm sore as fuck. So you know what, if you're looking for some endurance, if you're looking to stretch your workouts, and yes,

I walked around with the baby. I didn't go to just yesterday because it was hot. It was family day, you know, on Sundays, if I leave for an hour and a half, it's not bad. It's not, you know what I'm saying? I shouldn't have to leave them. I got the whole week in town this week. Let me just hang out with them yesterday. So we did a few things. It was hot yesterday. Oh, yeah. We drove over, the baby fell asleep. We're gonna take a swim in. My wife didn't really want to swim. So we just a fucking very, I'm on guard weekend. So you jumped up and down with the Jews. I jumped up and you just drank tequila. You didn't do no ecstasy. No, we don't fucking didn't do no blow nothing, no heroin. No, I mean, I was saying that I, I love their band, but the people who go out to

clubs in Hollywood are the people I fucking can't stand. It's ridiculous. So next time, next time go see them somewhere else. Like next time they were, you know, they make a stop before LA. Yeah. So they're Vegas, but that's bad too. But like they weren't, I saw them once in Orange County, which wasn't bad. But uh, you know, it was, it was a great weekend. Now where were they at here? The Avalon. The Avalon. What's the Avalon? Where's the Avalon vine in Hollywood? Oh, I know that is. And it was just a, you just had the Hollywood crowd that they jump up and down. Were they doing blow? Hey, well, some of them are on drugs, but I wanted to get your thoughts on something. Uh, this, they haven't in every club, but we were standing for a while next to the bottle

service area. Yeah. And I noticed this, I noticed this at sports games. And then every time I go to a club, everyone in bottle service looks fucking miserable. They spent $800 on a bottle of gray goose. And the guy, there was six guys, I just imagined what he would say. And I giggled. It was like six guys with wife beaters on and no girls back then. It just looks sad. It's ridiculous, isn't it? It's ridiculous to see men at a young age go out and think that they're fucking cool as fuck. So six guys sitting together with a bottle of fucking lore. Look at us with a bottle. That is the most pathetic fucking shit. I would never do bottle service. Know what I sit there with a bottle at my table looking like a fucking jerk off. Yeah. It just bewills me what people do to

me. And when I go to Vegas, you have no idea. I was telling my wife and the baby's godmother, going three years in Vegas, they ain't gonna wear bikinis. Just gonna put a patch on their pussies. Yeah. But everything else is gonna, that's it. I've seen it fried. I saw it. Girls with nothing on with clothes. And it's not the girls that bother me. They just dumb confused fucking girls at 20. Woo. I'm going to a pool party in Vegas, swimming in that old sperm bathtub, fucking sperm and fucking acne feet and steroid juice and fucking people from other countries swimming in that fucking disgusting fucking pool. And they're out there with a drink with those fucking drinks in their hand. I'm dying. You know, I've never liked Vegas. I've never liked

Vegas for things that nobody would ever understand. I had a dear friend on Facebook that went to Vegas in 1983 or 84 and he got busted doing coke in the bathroom. How do you get busted? They had cameras in there. That's it. Once I found that out in Vegas, there goes my fucking good time. They watch you at every level in Vegas. They have to. Yeah. They have too much to, you know what I'm saying? Those casinos, they fucking watch guy. I just don't like it. But I don't like the other side of Vegas. Like, you know, I got in the cab Saturday morning, I'm talking to the cab driver and he goes, you know, it's pretty fucking dead here so far. Wow. And he goes, you know, years ago,

Vegas had a system, you know, it was a $50 flight from LA to Vegas. It was a $3 cab. Now they gouge you at every level. They gouge you. Again, it was $14, $16 for two hot dogs and a soda. Yeah, you call me pissed. You're like, how much did a hot dog cost? How much did it cost? I'm just asking you. I paid $16 for two cheese slices and a fucking Diet Coke. I didn't even notice that I was eating the cheese slices. That's a lot of fucking money. You know, too fucking. And that's the cheapest you're gonna find. It's not like, like you were telling me, what was it like it was a bacon and eggs was $40? I hurt my ankle. I hurt my fucking ankle or something in my foot Thursday, jiu-jitsu.

Something. I was fine. I just couldn't walk a lot. It just bothered me when I walked. What you're gonna do a lot of in the fucking hotels? You're gonna do a lot and fucking. So I took two of these and I tried the best I could. So I said, you know what I'll do? I'll check in. I'll go to the room. I'll get high. I'll relax. I'll put some ice on my foot and I'll get room service. I want to stay. It was $38 for steak and eggs. $38 fucking dollars. I'll go over here to Magnolia Grill where the steak is delicious. Not a piece of fat on it. Too fucking. Look at that. Look at that. Salute. That's how fucking I'm telling you to choose. The fucking like $16 and eggs. $38 fucking dollars. And then they want to check. I had the money

league. It's not about the money. Not about the fucking money. Okay. When I walked in, I went to that fucking slot, penny machine, Godfather thing and I wanted 42 bucks or something. Did you really? Yeah. I always do it. I always play the fucking slot machines. I don't know what I'm doing, but after the show at the joint, a beautiful fucking girl named Christina from Jersey came out of me and Edgar and Becky were there. Oh, cool. And she goes, do you gamble? And I go, no, she goes, I think you should feel lucky. We walked over. I put $10 on 32 Julius Irving's number. Bam. I won that one. $350. Oh, shit. Do you know how we do it? That's fucking awesome. And you stopped right there? I stopped right there. Oh, I would never stop. I went back to the

hole and I put $40 in the penny slot machine for the Godfather and ended up winning 66. Jesus. I went to my room, went to bed. That's how you know you're not addicted to it. I would have done every blackhead table. I know the other angle of it. I've already done through that where you're up 600 and then you're up to 800 instead of going back to your room. Now you go back to your room with fucking 120. Yeah. And you feel like debt. Yep. You feel like debt. There's two things that make you feel like debt. Doing blow all night and being in the casino and eating them on and drinking. When you're drinking and eating them on the next one, you're thinking you're cool. At that point, you're just drinking because you're such a fucking loser. You just want to kill yourself.

And I leave early from the casinos and I see that. But I've also been there many a time where it's eight, you want to smoke some of this and take the fucking morning. And there I am in my living room drinking fucking beer, thinking about calling somebody or shooting myself, you know what I'm saying? Because you're so fucking depressed from coming down from the blow and you got no fucking body to talk to. It's a sad situation part of the party fucking life. But that's it, Lee. You got some fucking chocha this weekend. You're in love. She's Spanish girl. I'm proud of you. Yeah. She's great. She wants to take care of you. No, no, that's not like this other fucking waspy animals that don't take care of you. They show up with dirty feet. Show up

with dirty feet. I felt like it was like the one thing missing from my life recently. And I'm happy so far. You want to broaden your life? Yeah, I like it. I'm not I'm not like I've had one night stands, but it doesn't work out like I either one of us gets feelings and the other one doesn't. I was thinking about it the other day, too. There's always someone in a relationship who likes the other person more. And that always seems to happen with one night stands. And I haven't I've been working too much since I've been here to do it. But now I feel like I'm kind of ready for it. So yeah, I'm happy so far. I'm happy for you, cock sucker. You're still going to take a fight to the face. Even with a relationship, even if you get married, you still

got this was way installed before. She thinks she thinks she thinks it's hysterical when you make fun of me. So I'm sure we'll be doing it. It's not hysterical. She she knows I'm schooling. Oh, you know, I'm trying to take into my fucking wings. You're a savage. I don't want nobody around. Let's see how many people have signed up so far. That fucking blew my mind. Yeah, people want to help you out. Help me out. These are all the people that hit you up on the website later and go, Don't do it. Fuck you. Everybody deserves a front to the fucking face. Every time I see one in Los Angeles, I get upset. How many you got signed up so 27. You know how many were there when I fucking went on there to five. Yeah. So you got 22 people who have thought

about it and said, I'm ready to fart on Lee's face. Oh, make the two men. Yeah. And you got 20 fucking people. Who's better than you? There's 20 women out there right now that are shaving their ass off because in August, they know they're going to come to the ice house on August 14th and watch you get farted in your face one time. Jesus. Like a soldier. I can't believe these people. Oh, well, we'll try it out. Let's do it. Hey, Lee, listen, it's just who gives a fucking. I'm saying you do you live a little you're going to do something like you got to be like, like, if I was a baseball catcher, you have to be like the umpire, you got to like, you got to like, catch a little bit of it. Just, just, you know, I'm a savage. I'm going to put you right

nose first into that fucking motherfucker. So you bump her ass on your faint. You're probably faint. But that's okay. If my nose touches your asshole, yeah. And then once you fall down and tears, we're going to have a fart in your mouth a couple of times while you're on the floor. It's like a grounding pound of farts. They're just going to be pounding you with fucking asshole hair and stuff like that, which I'm happy for. You need that once in a while, brother. I'm not sure that I do, but you're 20. You're 20 fucking four years old. I'm not going to sit here and say to you, Lee, the most dumbest thing in the world, Lee, I wish I would be 24 again because I, you know, look at man, the reason why I got stories,

I got stories not because I sat there. Am I proud of these fucking stories? I'm not proud of 70% of these fucking stories I tell, but they happened. You know what I'm saying? They happened when I was your age. Did it happen 10 years ago? These fucking stories I tell, me mugging a hooker didn't happen at 38. I wouldn't have the balls to do anything at 38. I didn't have balls at 38. I was too coked fucking up. My rawness came from, you know, 12, 10 to 30 or something like that. Then I just fell off like a fucking everybody else falls off. And that's all I'm trying to say. I'm not here to make fun of you or break your balls, but all this craziness happened to me when I was 24 was 19. You know what happened to me 30 years

ago this 4th of July? What? I got picked up hitchhiking by John Denver. Who does that happen to? Who the fuck gets picked up hitchhiking? Where? By John Denver, July 4th of 1983. Well, all my buddies were jumping up and down, down the shore at some fucking club, Montego Bay. What the fuck they were in those days at Manusquan or whatever shore point they were. Here I was in Aspen, Colorado, the 4th of July working. I did something for work that day. And in those days, you went to a place called The Hitching Post in Aspen, right across from the In-N-Out Sandwich Shop. This was way before. And I robbed that place, you know, an outhouse. I robbed that place. My buddy from Buffalo, who I seen at the last show

in Buffalo, was the sandwich guy there and he worked for Shlomo. Shlomo and some other guy. And they used to leave the top window open, so I busted in for 600, 700. This is amazing. But I used to live across the street in this little hotel there in Aspen, down the block in the Aspen police station. This is not then. This is a different time. At this time, I just moved. July 1st, I had moved to Snowmass Village. I was living in Basalt, Colorado, which is where Goldie Horn lived with Kurt Russell and the fucking little girl that you see now. Yeah. She was a little girl. I used to see the Mechanico at the gas station, Kanoko. It was the guys who owned it, sold hot dogs and they used to call it New York time.

Everything in there was New York time. Oh, wow. We got a cock on it. Oh, shit. Good morning. Good morning, Stefan Casting here. Is this the man, the legend? No, this is the man, the guy who likes jujitsu just like you do. I love that you're doing this. You have no excitement. I've been dreaming of this all weekend because it's like I told Lee and my other friends. It's like, you know, those stories where people twist a jar and they can't get it. And also, some guy comes along and pops it like your grandma or something. You know, that's what you did for me with jujitsu. That easy. By reading one of your emails. That's pretty cool. What did you know was that? You know, you wrote an email, I got to say

maybe four months ago because I had subscribed to you a while ago and then some reason and unsubscribe. I didn't hear from you anymore. And then I clicked on again. I never downloaded your stuff. I just subscribed for your emails because I'm not good with a computer like that. Every time I download something, my computer blows up. Something happens. I got to call my wife in the room. So I just don't. And I read an email about you saying that something about shape that everybody's always waiting to get in shape or something. And you were right. I had the jujitsu school down the block from my house. It's not like it's in three miles away. I was talking to Matt Sarah when he started jujitsu. He had to drive from Long Island to Asbury Park, New Jersey,

like two and a half hours just to train. This was walking distance from my house. It's a great school. It's a John Jackmachado affiliate. And now I've been there for the third month. And this is all because of reading one of your emails. Well, you know, Joe, sometimes you just got to hear something more than once, right? Somebody tells you to do something. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then another person tells you to do something. You're like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then finally, another person tells you and finally clicks. So maybe you're just in the right place to hear that that message at that point. It's like there's an R bar that I that I really like now. And I've been shown it so many

times. And every time I was shown it, I was like, yeah, okay, whatever, that's never going to work. And so I discounted it. And then finally, actually, it started working in the tournament. I found myself in the position. I was like, holy shit, maybe maybe I can actually hold this off. And I did it. And the next thing you know, the guy's tapping and then actually then I went back to ignoring it again. It's like, okay, that was a one off fluke. And I ignored it again, never trained it, never used it in sparring. And then the next tournament I went in, I found myself in the same position. And I did it again. And, you know, lessons repeat themselves until learned. Well, this R bar opportunity repeated itself until I finally got in my thick head that

it might actually be a good thing to do. So I'm sure other people had told you that you should be training, you should be working out blah, blah, blah. And so it was probably just the final straw for your, for your working out and beginning to roll around, you know, put on the pajamas and roll around on the ground with grown men. How long have you been involved with this? I did judo when I was a kid. So I, you know, jiu-jitsu, jiu-jitsu was the origins of judo, and then Brazilian jiu-jitsu was the evolution of judo. So I guess I started when I was about 11. I have a, one of my favorite martial arts certificates is a note that I wrote to my mom when I was eight. And it said something like it's written in crayon and a piece of paper. It's like,

I want to go judo. It is not fighting. I want to go now or I will go and strike. And and I didn't get to go. Yeah, she was a stubborn woman. But it took me another three years of working on it. And then I got to train at the Hadashita Judo Club in downtown Toronto. So yeah, I'd start that. And so no matter where I went, I started doing kung fu and I started wanting to do some karate and some tempo and other things. I just kept on coming back to the grappling. So formally, I guess I started in 1997 with the, when I had my first formal Brazilian jiu-jitsu training. But do you know Danny Nassanto, the JKD? Yes, yes, yes. He just received his blue belt or something, the not a purple belt or something. He just received, he just received his black belt at age

77, I think. He's mostly associated with Machado as well. I mean, the man's a legend in the martial arts community. So even back in the early 90s, late 80s, he was busy telling everyone that you need to be grappling. You know, like they're doing the shoot fighting stuff in Japan. And they're finding that most fights end on the ground. So that was, you know, that statistic, most fights end on the ground. And that the Gracie's made a name for themselves around with the old Gracie in action VHS tapes. Well, the first person I ever heard that from was Danny Nassanto, and he was saying that they're defining in the pancreas events and the shoot fighting event, that most fights end up on the ground. You guys should be doing this. Here are some moves.

So we didn't have sort of the big picture. I think Jijitsu really gives you a, it's more of a big picture concept, right? Once you understand that there's only so many major positions and some positions are better than other positions. And really, if you can fight the positional battle, and then along the way, there are some submissions that you can throw in. And here's some ways to get from one position to the other. We might call them sweeps. We might call them escapes. We might call them guard passes. I think once you get that idea in your brain, then you can do a lot of the, a lot of the other techniques make sense. You just remember everything that you've learned. And I was just talking to some guy who,

you know, they've got a training group in a, in a garage in the middle of nowhere in Idaho or something. And they're still making good progress. They're using, you know, the information that's out there on the internet, you know, the stuff that you can order. You order DVDs, you order apps, you can subscribe to email newsletters. And you put a lot of it together yourself. It's a pretty cool time to be, to be doing this Jijitsu stuff. I, I, you know, I have a hard time breathing on my back. I have sleep apnea. And just the fact to walk in there, I get anxiety. Just walking in them. So for me, all those years, I loved watching it. You know, I love, I will sit there for hours and watch Marcelo Garcia and, and

Shinya Yoki. And I would say, man, if I ever get reincarnated, I want to come back as one of those guys. And I joined kick, you know, I've always been like you. I've been involved in martial arts. I came from Cuba, but again, it wasn't popular 30 years ago. Kung Fu and karate were aikido. There was a few aikido guys. Judo's always been big in Cuba and all that, but I wasn't even a judo guy. I didn't like any wrestling. I played basketball and football. And so for me, it was very foreign. And here, my friends, I'm going on road trips with these guys and the whole conversation, they're talking about Jujitsu. So I would watch it. I knew what they were saying, but it was so distant to me. And, you know, it's, it's amazing how even those guys made it seem like it was

in life, people always make things seem like there's something so far away from your grass. You know, in this country right now, we all suffer from obesity and everybody's overweight, but they always seem like the solution is so far from your grass, but it's so very easy. And for you to simplify for me, I read all your emails. If I'm on the road and I get an email from you, I save it. And I read it because I've already learned from reading your emails. Because if I read them before, I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. But now that I'm doing it and I'm in there and I'm, and I'm trying to, you know, pass as God and, you know, for a big guy like me, side control was great. And it's, it's so interesting for me.

It's like I'm starting a new thing. I think about it when I'm driving now. Well, you know, a lot of things seem a lot bigger than, and a lot scarier until you start doing them, right? How do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? How do you, when I was, I'll do a talk about this in a non-JJT context, when I was my late teens and early 20s, I did a lot of canoeing. And I wanted to do some big trips, right? I read about, you know, the voyagers who used to travel all summer long and live out in the bush. That sounded really cool. But again, it sounded completely outside the realm of possible. But you know, you start going on trips with friends, then you start going on the occasional little one day, then you start going by yourself,

then you start going on a two-day trip or a three-day trip by yourself. And then, you know, you work up to it. And eventually, the next thing you know, you're traveling across the country by yourself, and you try to jump from zero to hero, all in one big, giant leap. You fail. So the important thing, really, is to get started. And I think that so many people get stuck with getting started. That's why I think in Jiu-Jitsu, the hardest belt to get, hands down, isn't the black belt, isn't the purple belt, isn't the brown belt, it's the blue belt. So many people never get started. And so many people get started and they never make it past that initial one or two months of difficulty. Like,

the first one or two months in Jiu-Jitsu are bloody difficult. You're finding that, right? Oh my God. I find myself, well, it's not as hard as, you know, because I've been kickboxing the last year and I get on the epileptical. I'm always doing something. So it hasn't been like, I walked in there 300 pounds from day one and dying. My cardio is bad. But what makes it bad is that I have anxiety. So when I find myself out of breath, I feel like I'm going to die. And I got to get up and take my belt off and my G top off and breathe. But, you know, the first week I walked in there, I got to tell you, I had never done sights, you know, shrimps before. You know, I had never done that before. And I probably did four of them and almost had a

cardiac arrest. But now, three months later, I'm doing half the size of the room now. And I do them in front of the TV at night. I do the regular shrimps and the reverse shrimps. I do them in front of the TV and I'm starting to do the other little drills by myself. And now when I'm home alone, I'll get on my back and I'll get in the guard and I'll kick my legs around. Just little things because I know everything helps at my age. You know, I love to be able to go in there five times a week. But you and I both know in the beginning, I would die. I would lose after his hardest classes on Mondays and Fridays because the black belt comes in and he does like this madness before it of cardio and jumping up and down. I'll do those.

I've been to them. The problem is I can't do none for four days after it. So it defeats the purpose. Getting older and your body isn't used to doing that yet. It takes longer to recover and it takes longer to get in the shape to do that. But let me ask you about the anxiety thing. Do you think, because this is interesting, do you think it's fear about getting tapped out? Because that's where a lot of people get stuck, right? They feel anxious because they don't want to get caught. They don't want to look like an idiot. So more of a social thing really. Or is it something else?

No, it's something else. Let me tell you something. The best thing that happened to me is going into jiu-jitsu as a 50-year-old is that first time I got on stage in 1991, I sucked. Mr. K, I sucked. Sucked. I had an idea of what was going on, but I sucked. And it took me two more years to get on stage. And once I did it, you follow me, I know that if I keep going, I'm going to get better the same way I improved the comedy. With comedy, I dedicated everything I had to it and I got on stage every night. If I had the same desire for jiu-jitsu as I had for comedy, well now I have the understanding that the more I go, the better I'll get. You know what? I could do a thousand jumping jacks and I could hire a strength interval coach and I could do all

that. You and I both know that mat time is the most important thing in the world. And I know that's in comedy. I could mind-fuck myself and read Jean Perrette's book on how to write and get a book and learn the arm bar and get the Gracie combatives. But you know what? At the end of the day, there ain't nothing like getting on that mat and getting your ass kicked. And as far as getting tapped out, I'll tell you what, Mr. K, I don't give a fuck because that's what it's all about. Every time I get tapped, I'm going to learn something. I got tapped last week and I left there and I go, how the fuck didn't I comb my hair on that move? What the fuck is wrong? I know that move. You comb your hair and they can't choke you. And I learned it in the car. I realized

that was I was starting my car sweating like an animal. I'm like, he just choked me because I didn't put my arm up. It's a good thing because it puts it back in your power, doesn't it? You had the ability to block it. It wasn't something that happened to you or something that you let happen to yourself. It's just getting up on, I guess in your case, getting up on stage again and again and again and again and again and you're going to get better. Oh my god. You know what? Mr. K, I don't know if you understand how bad this is to bomb. I'd rather get fucking choked out, okay? Because when you get choked out, you get choked out in the mat on the corner by yourself. It's not like a competition. I'm just getting choked out in the corner. When you die, you die in front of

80 people and then you got to get off stage and walk past those people. That is death. That is the worst. How often does that happen for professional comics? Like is that once a week, once a month, once a year? Because life works how it works. You never know. Look what happened Saturday night with Anderson Silva. Okay, he went in there fucking right. He went in there messing around, but no. The more you do it, it's like jiu-jitsu. The more I go into that class, my percentages are getting tapped. They're going to get smaller and smaller and smaller. I'm always going to have that 20% that some kid could catch me because you could always get caught, but you learn to control that as far as the bombings. Sometimes you go up there and you just

go up there too cocky and if you catch yourself, you could flip it around and win them over. It's like losing the first two rounds of a fight and then turning it around the third round. Sometimes, Mr. K, you just die the first round and you just keep going, i.e. Roger Gracie. It didn't get no better for him the other night. It didn't get any better for him. All the props in the world for getting in there, but it just wasn't his night. It wasn't his night. You know, if you just know the backstory on every fight, what was going on, these people who get in there, they don't perform and everyone says,

oh, they're bombs. Throw the bomb out. Well, you don't know if the guy was sick. You don't know if the guy had a horrendous weight cut and just came out of the sauna for 12 hours. You don't know if his mother just died or he's just gotten off. You know, it's funny with the sports teams, and I don't follow baseball that much, but if the Yankees lose a game, no one goes, they're over. They're done. Put up work in it. A fighter, they lose one fight. They're like, okay, that's it. He's done. Let's find the next big thing. It's very interesting. I am really a fan of yours and what you're doing for Jiu Jitsu.

You know, sometimes you get an email from somebody and it annoys you. I can't wait until I get an email. When I wake up in the morning, I get an email from Mr. K. You know what I'm saying? Something about Jiu Jitsu, some stuff I understand. Last night, I was watching an old one about conditioning with the ball for a bridge and all that stuff. This is all helpful to people. This is very helpful. This is what you're doing is the Lord's work for guys like me. You know, I'm 50. I'm going to stick this out with Jiu Jitsu. I'm going to go every month. You know, I try to go twice a week. This week, I'm going to try to go three times.

I have the ability to go tomorrow and Thursday and Friday night. I'll take more solo madness and then I could just relax Saturday and Sunday. I know it's going to build my core, but I already feel, every time I go, I get stronger on the outside. I feel that it's making my comedy stronger. It's making my personality a little easier because I'm conquering another one of my fears. Absolutely. When you're traveling, do you get the chance to go and train at other places? That's a really interesting experience, too. Really, when you start with a Jiu Jitsu, in a sense, you know, you're kind of your

teammates and the people you train with become your family. Like your extended family, like those weirdo goals and stuff that you're like meeting. But you're also entering into a larger family because you really can travel around the world and go train at different places. Occasionally, there'll be an asshole. Occasionally, I get to a club and it's a Jiu Jitsu club and it's a toxic environment. It's a bunch of meatheads who, with pit bulls and hummers and toaks and goatees and affliction shirts. But most of the time, most Jiu Jitsu clubs, they'll look at you with open arms. If you're traveling and you get the chance, try dropping into other clubs.

You'll get better and you'll meet some really interesting people, too. I got to tell you something, that. Like, I just went to San Jose with Lee. And the whole week before I was going to go up there, I was going to pack my ghee and I was going to go to A.K.A. and do the 11 o'clock beginner ghee class on Thursday. I had radio, so that messed it up. I was just, I couldn't do it. But then I found out that Gorilla Jiu Jitsu had left A.K.A. and he opened up a school five blocks from the improv and he was having a class on Saturday. But at that point, I didn't bring my ghee. And I was also, I'm still kind of embarrassed about my breathing,

you know, on my back, but I'm sure I would have learned something if I got it. I just picked up another ghee last week. I had to buy shin guards and the guy gave me, because I'm an A6, you know, so ghee's big, they try to get rid of A6's, so he gave me a deal. So I'm going to travel with that ghee. That's going to be my traveling ghee. In fact, I threw it in the wash this morning. So yeah, that's, I wanted just to do, you know, I was very fortunate, UFC a couple of years ago, in the back stage of the Comedy Show that I was doing when I got out of stage. Marcelo Garcia was there with Eddie and Matt Sarra. So I got the chance to pick all three of their minds, you know, a little bit. And, you know,

Eddie's very pro, no ghee. And Matt Sarra broke it down. And I have, you know, like I said, I have people, I can't wait to go to Baltimore this year, because John Rallo's there. He's a crazy affiliate down there. And I remember Matt Sarra saying to me, he goes, you know, anybody who walks into my school the first 90 days got to have a ghee, huh? After they get the first stripe, they're allowed to go to a no ghee class. But I want them to get the basics with the ghee. You have to feel the ghee. It's a little slower. Again, I'm 50. I've never done it before. So I wanted to learn straight up. I knew that I didn't know enough to walk into 10 planet. So my next step was there was a school that opened the block away from me that the black belt

was a John Jack Machado black belt, who was also a gave Eddie Bravo his first black belt. So the basics and the foundation would still be there. So later on, when I would get ready, I could go to 10 planet. So what I think it was, I think it was Eric, Eric Paulson, who suggested for the older grapplers who, you know, who are worried about getting injured, but they got a day job or whatever, they should mostly do ghee. They should do a little bit of no ghee. But if you do with the ghee, you get a slightly overcrowded offering. You get a little bit less, you know, you get less of a young crazy guy who can explode into some flying dynamic heel hook and you know, and crank your leg and injure you possibly.

So I've never trained a 10 planet. It sounds like it's a pretty good training environment. But I'd say in general, the training with the ghee is just a little bit more sedate. You get a few, I'd say less injuries on average. And maybe for an older, an older guy, it is a better place to start. I'm going to get all these angry emails now from 10 planet guys. Sorry guys. No, no, no, no, no. That coolest because what I do do is there's a 10 planet affiliate in Van Nuys run by Alder Hanfield, which he's a great guy. And he does his school. I go up there on Wednesdays and do a private with John Salami, who's one of Eddie's black belts, but he also received this first black belt with a ghee. So he likes training both and he

likes the ghee. It's his birthday tomorrow is 46. So he's an older gentleman also. And we work together on Wednesdays for an hour. But the beauty is that in Van Nuys 10 planet, Alder has fundamental classes, no ghee classes. But Tuesdays and Thursdays, he has a ghee class. It's 10 planet, but with a ghee class. This is why I like that aspect of his school up there. So I've been going up there once a week just and I tell you, you're absolutely right. You know, the school where I go to now VMAAC has three instructors, one black belt and two purple belts. And I get a different flavor from them every time I go. I really do. It's very interesting. And then now the flavor I get from John Salami, I'm really enjoying this. And then

the emails from my man, Mr. K, I'm putting something together here. You know what I'm saying? When I get, when Canada lets me in, I'm coming to visit you. Trust me, when Canada lets me in to do a comedy show, I'm coming to your beginner class on Saturday morning. That'd be awesome. I'd love to train with you. I mean, you've got to put together your own game, right? Yes. Oh, me too. Eventually, like, yeah, you spend your first year or two learning the basic techniques, whether you're doing it with the gear, without the gear, it doesn't matter.

Here's the stuff that you've got to learn. And then, so we'll say roughly to blue belt, which is the first belt. And then you get some more. And like I said, it's the hardest belt to get. Then after that, you start, you know, building and developing your own unique game. And I'm sure that when we talk again in a couple of years, you're going to have, you know, the game that's adapted to your body and your mentality. And it'll be really a personalized game. You're beautiful. Your own way to pass the guard, your own way to choke me out, all that kind of stuff. It's such an interesting, I never did it before. And like I said, you know, when I was growing up in Jersey and New York, it was Kung Fu, karate, judo. There was no Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

This took over, you know, when I came to LA, it was the first time I really started hearing about Brazilian jiu-jitsu. And then there's a lot of Armenians out here and Russians, and they teach regular jiu-jitsu. But, you know, talking to Joe, Joe was the first guy that really pounded it into me. Oh, you should go. At that time, I had other things on my mind. Jiu-jitsu was the last thing on my mind. But it's very interesting. And for something to sweep me off my feet like this, at this age, it's really, and it's helped my stand-up. It's helped me all around. So how can people get a hold of your stuff? The downloads and the apps? I've got all kinds of apps and DVDs and online training programs. But really, the best thing

you do is just to go to grapplearts.com and sign up for the email newsletter. If you don't like what you get, you can just unsubscribe to these. There's a link at the bottom of every single email. Click on that and I'll never send you anything ever again. But if you don't do that, I'm going to send you all kinds of cool stuff with links to, you know, things like my YouTube videos. And there's a ton of YouTube videos out there that I've done, or things to, you know, various interviews and podcasts, articles, techniques, apps, all that sort of stuff. I think the central hub would really just be that email newsletter, which is grapplearts.com. And, you know, it's on every page. So I'm glad that you're getting the value out of those emails and the

links that I'm trying to send you to. You know, man, I don't, a lot of people make the mistake of knowing at all. And I'm not one of those guys. I don't know at all. So if I got something to learn, I read. That's the easiest system you read and you apply. It's, I wanted to tell you something. You know, I go to a kickboxing school, great school, great movie tie America, great coaches, great teachers. And when I walked in there, I don't have to tell you, I couldn't last around, not around, just throwing punches in the air would kill over. And now I do the whole class, you know, and he has me warm up the crew. And I mean, this is my eighth month to go in there. But before I did two years of one hop window. And like I said, I've loved martial arts and

coming from Cuba, but there was a kid in there. We're getting was a young kid. And I've been watching him. And he was a black belt in Taekwondo and he wanted to take kickboxing because he wants to fight. And we were talking one day and he went over to VMAC and joined the Jiu-Jitsu program. And he was going to fight. He was in a fight. He was in a fight. He was in a fight. But I heard when I went over to VMAC, I never saw him anymore. And he told me one day that, you know, he got choked out a couple of times and his feelings got hurt. He wasn't used to the he had never really experienced that before. And I could see that happened to me happening to me at 20. I could see something like that happening to me, like quitting,

getting my shit together and going to a different school, not going back to at 50. I see getting tapped as I'm going to learn something. So when I walked in there, Mr. K, I knew for a fact that I had to write attitude. I'm really going in there to get in shape. That's my number one thing. I know if you do that three times a week, that belly will go away. You cut out the sodas, that belly will go away, you know, so that was the reason I walked in there really was to get in shape and maybe learn a few arm bars and stuff like that. I don't want to fight. I don't want to choke nobody out in real life. I just want to do it to get healthy. And that's the final result. People's reasons for training change over time too, right? Like right now it's to get in shape

and to maybe to challenge yourself. But maybe ultimately it's going to be because it makes your comedy better or because you decide to compete or because you decide that there's some other goal. I know when I started in martial arts years and years ago, like most young kids, I wanted to be able to take care of myself. I wanted to, you know, if I'd gotten a fight, I wanted to be able to lay down. I wanted to not lose. And of course that's still important years and years later. But really, if after 30 or almost 35 years of martial arts training, you can't do that, then you're doing something wrong, first of all. Now my reasons for training are I have a change in the vault. Mostly it's because it's fun. Mostly it's because of the good workout. You know, yeah,

you can go to the gym and you can lift weights and you can do cardio. But why not lift weights and do cardio at the same time? Walls having a ton of fun rolling around on the ground with your friends. I mean, what do little kids do? You go to a birthday party before you know what all the boys and some of the girls are rolling around in a big puppy pile, you know, on the ground having a great time. And what do grown adults do when they get drunk? They often end up rolling around on the ground having fun like that without getting drunk first, hopefully. And jumping back to the kid who used to train but doesn't anymore. One thing a lot of people have problems with that's under-acknowledged I think in jiu-jitsu is claustrophobia. I think a lot of people

are pretty comfortable, you know, we're all comfortable talking at a range of two to three feet. If you and I are having this conversation, we'd be sitting two or three feet away from each other if we were doing it face to face. But if I come up to you and I'm like three inches from your nose and talking to you, you'd start feeling weird and I'd start feeling weird. And so a lot of people start freaking out a little bit from the claustrophobia. And it's something that can be overcome. And especially for women in self-defense. I mean, you can argue about what percentage of fights end up on the ground and I think it's pretty high. But I'll tell you, a gigantic percentage of the rapes end up on the ground and they all involve that intense physical contact. And if that intense

physical contact with somebody that you don't know flips you out, your brain just turns off. Right? You hyperventilate, you hold your breath, your brain shuts off, and you're completely useless. So I think it's learning to deal with that claustrophobia. No, no, I understand. I even consider my daughter, once she gets older, learning Jiu-Jitsu. Because you gotta, you gotta learn, you gotta learn. So how can they find you? Grapplerge.com. Now what's your book called? To download the big book? As part of the part of what I'm trying to give people with that series of emails that you're

talking about, there's a book called The Roadmap for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And it just lays out, this was the stuff that I wish I'd been told when I started grappling all those years ago. Like, you know, look here, dumbass. Here's where you start, here's where you can go, here's where all the things fit in. And when you learn a cool technique, this is what it's for. In this case, this is what it's for in this other case. It's just trying to give the big picture. Because it's, you know, it's like a road trip. If you have a map, it's a lot easier to get to where you want to go as opposed to just go on and then driving from town to town without, without any clear sense of direction.

A roadmap for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Mr. K, thank you. This is Stefan Casting. I'm talking to thank you very much for calling in. I'm a fan. I appreciate the emails and what you're doing. You're an ambassador for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. You savage up there in Canada. And when I do get up there to do a show, I will contact you and hire you for a private or we'll roll around something. I want to learn something from you. That'd be awesome. Looking forward to it, Joey. Thank you so much for having me on the show. Thank you very much, sir, for coming on. I appreciate it. Have a great day. It's really cool when people like that call in. I didn't know that he was calling in today. That's

cool. Listen, man, I just want to pass the peak. I want to pass the people, people who have inspired me. And sometimes people don't know it starts with an email. How do you get connected with him? Because he's in Toronto, it sounded like. Yeah, I went online and I was thinking about beginning Jiu-Jitsu. So I wanted to see what I was getting myself into and his thing came up and I subscribed for the emails and oh, that's cool. I think you know him from like comedy. Oh, you just started talking to him online online. Yeah. But I thought he was very interesting, you know, and that's it. I just want, you know, in life, people always seem they make you seem like what your goal is is so fucking distant. It's like another fucking planet. You know, it's anything from a diet to lose.

Look, you lost 70 pounds. Was it hard? Yeah. Did you fucking kill yourself? The diet that changed you? Yeah, you learn a little things about yourself, you know, women are hitting out for you now. You're handsome. You got some gel on your head. You're like born of his Collins and fucking 83. So listen, man, whatever you want to do, play the guitar, you know, whatever, play the drums. People always say that, well, it's hard. Everything's fucking hard. But it gets a lot easier the more you do it and the more you try and you never know what the results going to be. So don't ever let anybody scare you away from your fucking dreams. That's all. That's why I got this guy on there. Because it's one of my dreams to learn jiu-jitsu and to be, I want to be a black,

I want to be on TV. I just want to learn to fucking breathe and to just be normal and go and have some place to go three times a week where my life's not surrounded by comedy and women and my kids and, you know, business. Is it getting easier? Fuck no. Yes, it is. I'm lying to you. Yes, it is. My breathing is coming along. And what do you mean breathing? Like, oh man, you know, from the reefer and the cigarettes and the sleep apnea and the weight, you know, at all piles up to one. I'm sure if I lose 80 pounds, my breathing will get better. And this is why I go to jiu-jitsu. So my breathing gets better. It seems like I got a minute and a half of jiu-jitsu in me. But it used to be 10 seconds when I first went. Yeah, you just broke an hour on the elliptical. Yeah, it used to be

like 45 minutes. Oh my god. I was stuck on 35 minutes forever on the elliptical. You know, I was fucking stuck on it, but I kept going, you know, and sometimes it pains me. I feel like peeing. Whenever I have anxiety, bad, I get to pee. You don't have no idea. There's sometimes I have to run off the mat and go take my gear off and pee. And I have to breathe and I see spots and shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Kick in the door, bro. A little bigger. I got to go to back them real quick and pee and talk to these people. Okay, yeah, I'll talk about Hulu. So we're still brought to you by Hulu Plus. The girl was over here this weekend, my other girl I've been seeing, and she loved South Park.

And South Park is on Hulu Plus, and so is 21 Jump Street. And yeah, it's fucking awesome, guys. I know Joey and I talk about it, and we don't really have that much. We don't really have sponsors, but it's really a cool service. So go to huluplus.com slash Joey, go to joeyds.net, and just do whatever, just sign up. It's free. It's fucking awesome. So I'm going to give you a little bit of music, and then we'll be right back. Oh, you're gonna be so high. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's Monday, cocksucker, wake up, get out there, mug somebody, biggie. Kick in the door, waving the 4-4. All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more. What's up, Lisa? What was this? This week got me so fucking high. This is good fucking week.

This is get up on Monday morning, wash your pussy, because it's going to be a beautiful day to fucking be alive. Let me give you some shout outs. Happy birthday to my girl Jean, you bad motherfucker. You and your husband listen to the show. I want to give a shout out to Sophia the cat. A year ago, she passed away. Her whole little cat spirit's up in fucking heaven. My man, Greg Pau is Daniel Estrid, Ziggy's 209, one of the best weed shops up there in Stockton, Frankie Wells, Welsh Guard, Nelia Samuels, the Jew is back, Kiko Keele, JT Russo, Josh McGinn, and Brian Paculis. I love your cocksuckers. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Remember, Wednesday's podcast is not going to be at 6am. It's going to be sometime in the afternoon.

I will keep you posted on Twitter and fucking Facebook. We're sick and tired of waking up early. That's it. It's all over. We want to switch it up in the afternoons. We're doing two live fucking podcasts on August 14th and August 28th. We're doing a live one at the Ice House July 31st. So, I'm in Philly from the 18th to the 20th. You ready for this shit, Philly? Then the following week, the 25th and 26th, I think I'm at the Ice House with Don Marrero, four shows. Oh, cool. Then that Wednesday, I'm at the Ice House again with Lisa. Hopefully that's the, we're not going to take the fart to the face on the, we'll take the fart to the face August 14th. That's always a good day to take a fart to the face. You know why? I have a doctor's appointment. No, you don't. You know why?

Well, August 15th is the anniversary of me doing time. So, when I got subjected to the fucking six years in prison. What does that have to do with me taking a fart to the face? I want to celebrate the right way. I want in the fucking bathroom to pee. I open up the door and there's your roommate changing. And the whole time I'm peeing, I'm pissed off. I should open up the door five minutes early. I would have seen a fucking shave and a monkey or something. She's got banging fucking body. She really does. I should stab me in the fucking eye. You missed that on that. I'm so fucking stoned. Oh, that ankles. I'm just licking that little fucking munk while you know what the hell you sick bastard

you. Jesus Christ. What else is going on, Lee? Tell me something good. I was, when you were talking to Mr. K, I was thinking about it. Do you, like, what do you think? Because I was thinking if musicians have a bad concert, they're kind of like, you talk a lot about, like, you can turn an audience around with the comments. That's sometimes, that's sometimes. But like, they can do like, I was like, the band I went to see closed with like a fan favorite. Like, people get mad at comedians for doing old jokes. Like, do you ever like wish you could be like a musician and do like your greatest hits and like still tour around or when do you get bored or? I can't do the same fucking jokes, bro. I gotta switch that shit up. I don't know what the

fuck they're talking about. I have a hard time with that. So if you went around for, if you were like, I would have 3000 stories and switch them up every night. Yeah. You know, I don't know what I'm gonna fucking say till I get there. You know, with comedy, I have an idea, but not really. I might go into a different tense. Are you seeing? Yeah. So that you're doing the same fucking set every night, seven nights a week, you could suck my dick. Something interesting has got to happen to you that you could talk about on stage. It's getting shaken down to the plane, losing a wallet, something. When I go see a comic or a year later, he's got the same jokes. I get sick to my fucking stomach. Yeah. Especially if he's a friend of mine, because something's had to happen.

You know, there's some days I write and there's some days I don't write, but something always fucking happens that you could talk about. Right or wrong. Something's got to happen that you could put a twist on, you know. So that's basically what we fucking stand today. You follow me? We had a great call. It's a beautiful fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day. Have a beautiful fort. You had a great weekend. It's a great day. Go out there. It's sunny out. It's July the fucking eight people. Go out there and get your shit together. Get the one-hands. Do whatever the fucking need to do. I don't give a fuck. Get a sandal. Get a fucking park bench, lay there, get some sun. Just get out there. Don't sit on the couch. Nothing good happens on the couch. It's

your day. Make the best of it. You gotta fucking waste your fucking time. Besides that, that's it. We got Onnet. Go to Onnet.com and cut the fucking shit. I'm telling you right now, that stuff works. That stuff is fucking the next level of fucking vitamins and health nutrients and whatnot. Whether it's alpha brain, whether it's the hemp protein, whether it's the shroom tech, whether it's the strong bone, and you go, Joey, but you keep fucking repeating this because I'm telling you to go to fuckingonnet.com and see what they got to offer. There's got to be something there to make you stronger, to make you a better person. You're like, well, Joey, what the fucking shroom tech is 24? Aren't you working 24 fucking 99 plus

shipping handling? You're going to get 10% off if you put church in the fucking box. Start slipping. You know what? That testosterone stuff is phenomenal from what I'm hearing. The tea they got is fucking phenomenal. Okay? So get your shit together. What are you going to tell them about Hulu Plus? Are you going to sit there like a bump on a fucking lot on Monday and stare at me because you're stoned again? It's your fault. I'm going to tell them that when they're at home and they're feeling good because they did strong bone and smelled Joey's 18 farts this morning. They should smell you in those farts. Of course they did. You leaned forward and just winked at me. You heard it. Did you smell it? I don't know. I don't know. I smelled it the night at the club when

I almost passed out. You smelled it. You would open up that fucking door. The reason why I ran in there was to shit. She's lucky she's in there getting ready and I held it back. Thanks. Yes. And now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Like I said earlier, there's South Park. There's 21 Jump Street. I just found out there's everything you want. Go to our homepage at joeydds.net or and click the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash Joey. Again, that's huluplus.com slash Joey. Right now, why fuck around? Go to Hulu, sign up. They're giving you opportunity for free. Go. Go sign up and see what they got to offer. If you don't like it fucking two weeks, you go back on your life and

fuck Hulu Plus, but you're going to love it. If not, I wouldn't be giving you two weeks if you're not going to fucking love it. Go to Hulu Plus and cut the shit. It's Monday. There's no time to fuck around on Monday's people. I don't know how you live your fucking life. Thursday, you want to fuck around? Go ahead. But on Monday, you're going to fucking live the right way. It's Monday, cocksuckers. What do you got for me? What type of music? Do you want to do coming, going back to Cali? Or do you want? Let's do fucking going back to Cali. What the fuck from the beginning? Yeah, because we're in Cali, but you're coming back for some reef. I love you people. Have a great day today. Whether the fuck is out there looking after you. I hope

they fucking give you a little blessing. Go out there, sling some dick. If you're not thinking about getting your dicks up today when you leave the house, go back to bed. Why waste your time? You're not thinking about going out there and fucking somebody in the ass today. When you're getting in your car and you're starting that car up, you're like, Jesus fucking Christ. Who am I going to fucking in the ass today and coming in the neck? Stop wasting your time. Hit it, Julie. Beepie. I like the whole rap in the beginning. Why is this? What's going on here, Lee? Is there supposed to be a break? I don't know. Speed it up a little bit. I'm up, Gilly. What the fuck, man? What's up?

I'm up. Yeah, I hear you, dawg. I hear you, man. All right, seven, three. I don't care. Fly 406 to Cali. Yeah, right this time. Cali, watch. Oh, Cali. Yeah. Gotta go make that paper, bitch. I'm up. I'm up. He's up, cock sucker. Oh, shit. Here you go. Oh, shit. Oh, thank you for listening to the choice today. Go to honet.com. Go to Hulu Plus. Make it happen. Go to joycogadias.net. Get a t-shirt. Look what I'm at next week. Let's get down, motherfucker. What? I'm with you, origintia. Format Benchia. Back through that maze, I sent you.

Trunker to the rap inventor. Figure with the game, tight fit. That flame, right. Tell my name, right. B-I-G-G-I-E. Ice out, lights out. Me and Cesar Leo. Getting hand for some chickena. T is all about the cheddar. Nobody do it better. Going back to Cali. Strictly for the weather. Women and the weed. Sticky green. No seas, bitch, clean. Papa ain't soft. Get up in the hood. Ain't no love lost. Got me mixed up. You drunk them licks up. Man, cause I got my dicks up. And my old slick, old fix. The game is mine. I'ma stomp my name.