Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/10/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #96

Episode Date: July 11, 2013

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That's huluplus.com slash joey. Oh shit. Oh shit. Let's try this again for the ninth fucking time. It's Wednesday, July 10th. May the good Lord be looking over all you motherfuckers, whether it's Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Satan, whatever the fuck it is.

It's going to be a beautiful fucking show today. Usually, we come at just 6 AM creeping while you sleep. But today, we're doing a la carte, you know what I'm saying? This is not on Wednesdays a la carte. No more fucking news stream. Only Monday mornings, so you can see us in full effect. I got an in-house guest today, my man, Jerry Boom Boom, La Rocha.

As always, my good buddy over there, what happened to the music, dawg? Oh, I thought you were introducing Jerry. No, I'm introducing my main fucking soldier over here, AKA John Paulito with three cheeseburgers. Look at him. But you do look like John Paulito a little bit. I'm telling you.

I'm going to have to look this up. I don't know if I should be insulting her. What the fuck? What was the last time I insulted you? Yesterday. Eight minutes ago. When did I insult you? I didn't insult you.

You know what? I love you. The fucking thing is done. Unbelievable. But we're back. It's a beautiful day. Get this music going. I got to spark up a number out of respect

if you're fucking David Gilmore and the rest of that monster. Hit it, Lee. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Taking away the moments that make up a toll, Jay. Fridge on waste, the aisles in an all-fat way. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? This is the fucking way to open a motherfucker's show up

with these savages showing up at your house. A joint in your hand, you got your feet that's stinking. But who gives a fuck? They're on the couch. Got the earphones on. People are looking at you. Who gives a fuck? Here you go.

Oh, shit. I should have brought that quailer. Oh, you didn't? No, because they got to drive. I'll be fucking playing bumper cars. That's how you drive anyways. That didn't happen. I'm driving with no fucking bumper cars, fuck it.

What's happening, Lisa? Yeah, I ain't no. Not much, buddy. I'm doing good. It feels weird to do a podcast in the afternoon and not having a, but we had to switch it up a little bit. So Mondays are gonna be live on Ustream. Wednesdays, they're all a cart.

Well, Lisa will drop it on you. Wednesday night, like two in the fucking morning. And then that's it. We're gonna do two live. We've been telling you, so stop. All right, stop. Don't fucking hit me up on Twitter, Joey. No fun.

Stay in the way. Who gives a fuck? Just Mondays only live. What's happening, Jerry? How you doing? Thanks for having me, man. You know, man, look at Jerry with his fucking pink Floyd shirt. I'm right representing him.

He's got his fucking sharp glasses. He's probably got his Spider-Man underwear on. He's my man, Jerry LaMoca. I've known Jerry LaMoca, what, 12 years? 12 years, we met. Since the old Paso fucking comic strip, one of my old haunts. Yeah.

I did everything in fucking old Paso. Do you know that? Down, tops, heroin, black top. Even went to the Burlington Co-Factory with me. Burlington Co-Factory, all you could eat Chinese buffet. We used to fuck it up down there and fuck it, man. No call to the in-house guest. Right here rocking it with us.

Look at fucking Lee, look at that show. We're talking about John Paul Lee, though. He's a clown. Let me look him up. It's a fucked up situation. This guy was there. He's the Crow. The guy ran the pot shop in the Crow.

This guy's been around during- Dude, he's great. He's fucking great. But I, you know, in 85, I was a big Miami Vice fan. 84, it started. Like in 87, when it was just going downhill, Miami Vice, they were just snorting blood. Was that when Sheena Easton was on the show and all that?

Yeah, Sheena Easton. They were just killing it. In fact, I seen a bad episode from 87 the other day. It's on the morning. And I came back from doing a podcast. It was on one of those channels, CMT. And they had a character the last season. It was when Crockett lost his memory

and he went to the other side. Oh, no. That sounds terrible. That sounds like the worst idea. It was fucking terrible. And the guy he was working against was a guy called El Gato. Okay.

And that was John Paulito and El Gato. Was John Paulito with a fucking silver cape on with silver gloves, with two good looking dudes, with long hair, slinging dick. Oh, I know John Paulito. Fuck you. Fuck you look like John Paulito. No, I don't.

If you want to die, if you juiced all the way to 150, people would hug you on the streets. That's for you all to get. John Paulito. I can't pull off that mustache. You know what he was great at? You see Barton Fink. You see Barton Fink.

Dude, when he played, because he told me the story. Because I used to work at that bookstore down on Ventura and he would come in all the time. And I said, look, I never would bother the celebrities. But I was like, I have to buy this dude. I was like, you were so fucking good. And because it filmed him one after the other,

Miller's Crossing and then Barton Fink. They called, I said, you were so good in both those movies. And I said, and you play two polar opposite characters. Because in Miller's Crossing, he's like the really loud, you know, the Italian mob. I can't get him off my back. Yeah. And then in Barton Fink, he's like the meek,

you know, quiet who used to run the studio, but then he got bought out and then he kept them around. It was like the butler for the new studio head. And he said that when they showed him this group of Barton Fink, he got insulted that he was in the studio head. He wanted to be the brash, loud guy. But then he didn't want to play the meek role.

But then like one of the Coen Brothers' girlfriends saw him at a restaurant and said, you have to do it, just do it. So he did it and he said he got a shit ton more work because of it. He was just playing two completely polar opposite people. He said he got a lot more work after that. He was so, dude, that's a compliment, Lee.

Nah, you're right, Lee, you're a handsome motherfucker. But if you get to gel and point your hair that way, you'll look like John Paulito and fucking the crow and Miami Vice season five anyway. But here's the funny thing. So I do this movie named, like I never met John Paulito. But here's one of these guys that I watched growing up, man. The other day I did the live factory and fucking,

right, and Paul Rodriguez is there. And then I got my corner, went to the house and Damon Wayans is there on the way home. I was like, you know, 15 years ago, I would look up to those guys like, Jesus Christ. You lost your mind. They were so far away. Like I was so far away from that goal.

And then I walk in there, they give me a hug. Like Damon gave me a big hug. Paul Rodriguez was talking about Cuba to me. He gave me a big hug. But, and it's so weird, like now I'm one of them. That's crazy. I'm one of them. Like I became one of them.

Like not a star or nothing, but I'm a comic. And they know I'm a comic and I know they're a comic and they give me that mutual respect. It's very weird when you were a loser. You just crack jokes now. What do you see in the eyes of other colleagues? Like now when you go to a room, like if you go to the laugh bag,

when you see like the younger, newer comics, they look at you the same way that you would have looked at Rodriguez or Damon Wayne's 15 years ago. They're all like, oh shit, it's Uncle Joey. Like, you know, that's that. It's that same vibe, man. That's crazy. That's crazy.

When I used to see like Dice or Eddie Griffin. I saw Eddie Griffin the first night I walked into the comedy store and thought I was gonna shit myself. And the black kid from The Last Dragon. Oh yeah. The black Tupac, the karate kid. Tupac, whatever his name was. I saw him, I almost had a fucking heart attack.

Then when I saw Andrew Dice Clare, I thought I was really gonna have a heart attack. Leroy Green. Yeah. What's his name in real life? Leroy Green. In real life. Tamayuk.

No, that's what it is. Tamayuk. No, Tamayuk. Who the fuck you thinking? Taimak. He was Bruce Leroy. Bruce Leroy. He never seen that movie either, did you, Lee?

I'm gonna have to fucking tie you up and make you watch that. The Last Dragon is fucking great. You know what movie Lee has not seen? What's that? And I got talks about some shit, but I'll tell you what movie. Listen, a film, a good film is a movie that you watch, and every time you see it, you know it's good,

but every time you see it, you catch another detail. Absolutely. You catch the actor come through. At first you see the film for what it's worth, and you see the value of the director, but the more you see the film, little things, you see the value of the actor. You're like, God damn, look what that motherfucker just did,

or whatever the fuck, but toa. Guess what movie came out when I got the baby? The baby falls asleep from the time. You can't get up, you can't scratch your balls. You can't change the channel. So sometimes it's on Dora the Explorer, sometimes it's on Gooby Zoomies. You don't know what the fuck I'm gonna end up in.

I'm the type of motherfucker, I'll sit there for her. I don't want to move her. If I get 30 minutes out of her, trust me, you fucking sit there. Silence of the lamps. Oh yeah. And I'm trying to get fucking Jamoc here to watch it. You've never seen that?

I don't like horror movies. Explain to him it's not a horror movie. It's not a horror film, but it's a psychological film. It's a psychological film. I watched Rosemary's Baby. No, no, no, no, that's a horror movie. That's a horror film. You gotta see.

That freaked me out. But I saw that movie 30 fucking times. People always say Joey talking about more movies. Bang! Here you go. Because my man here is a fucking movie, music, nerd, computer, comic books. So we're dropping it today.

Video games. And we got my man, Lisa, who's a master of everything. You put him on Jeopardy. He'll stump Alex, try to take it. You know what I'm saying? Speaking of Jeopardy, a show that they need to bring back, Joey and I, if we went on it as like a team, we would rock and roll Jeopardy.

They used to show it on VH1. It was Jeopardy, but all classic rock trivia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would crush that fucking, we would run the table. We would run the table. Fuck it up, we'd fuck it up. But, let me explain some to you. Signs of Lambs is, oh, dude.

I'm sitting there and I got her, and it's a scene where, first off, he's fucking masked up already. Yeah, like he's got the fucking mask on, and the guy's cursing him, and Austin, they're pulling him off a plane, and that hot senator, cause she's attractive. She's gotta be 55.

Bang it, you would fuck her with a couple cocktails. She walks up and they all stung. And he just starts going off. He's like, senator, I'm not gonna waste your time with what he just starts dropping it out of there. And he looks mean, he's fucking badass. He's got the most famous pro and most famous mask in movie history.

And you can see his lips talking through it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? He goes, can I ask you something, senator? Did you breast milk or what? Yes, you guys, did you breast feed your daughter? Yeah.

And she's like, what? And he goes, did it make your nipples hard? And he goes, get this animal out of here. And as she turns, that's when he starts dropping knowledge. Five foot 10, six blonde hair, a medium build. I met him one time, he hung out with whatever, they went on a real name, a Buffalo Bill. It's a great scene.

It's just fucking amazing. And then they pull him away and you see him fucking, the guy goes to sign him off and he can't find his penalty. Oh my God. And right there, you don't think nothing. He just can't find his fucking pen. Okay.

And you see Hannibal Lecter doing that. That's the moment you know he's springing himself. He's bringing himself out of there. So now they flash to this fucking scene where she's talking to the cop and she's trying to get in. She's got his paintings. This is Jody Foster now comes back.

Jody Foster is one of the greatest actresses of all time. And he walks into this room, they got him in a room with three guards with a cell built. Okay. And he's in there with a fucking curtain. This is an opera music and the cop says, look at this motherfucker.

He ordered lamb, rare, extra rare lamb chops. Okay. There's the second heaving of it. So he walks in and they say, kneel down, get against the thing. He has to put his arms like that and they handcuff him when they go in his room. This is how dangerous he is.

He's just dangerously. You cannot even fucking take your eyes off him. You know what he is? He's a cannibal. He's a cannibal. He was a psychiatrist. Cannibal the cannibal. That was his fucking patience.

He was getting their brains and then fucking literally eat their brain. You see him, they handcuff him. He takes the handcuff off. And all of a sudden the one guy's going, moving his painting. He left his paintings there on purpose. 20 times I saw the movie, just caught that.

Left the paintings there on purpose so the guy had to put them to side, puts the dish down and when the guy goes to turn around, fucking animal like to grabs his wrist and throws Lee your heart stops. He grabs his wrist and just cuts him quick. Doop, chomp, boom. And the guy's face, he just died.

Lee, you just died. It's amazing. It's two seconds. Bang, bang, boom. Get this Puerto Rican out of my room. This is fucking lightning quick. And this motherfucker just, you just see, he's a great actor.

He just goes, and all of a sudden the other cop, he can't find the fucking key. This just happens, Lee. And all of a sudden he comes out of one of those Kabudu tonfas and just starts whipping him, bang. And then as he's fucking killing him, there's blood, he's over there listening to opera music

dressed up. It's amazing. Lee, it's fucking amazing. And how he gets out of there. And what happens, how he calls her. But while he, the scene that I had watched a million times, Lee, this is how much time that I am. This is why I gotta stop smoking reefer.

He's in the middle. She comes charging in. It's like when I come in here with a story for you, Lee. You're not gonna fucking believe it. We went down there and all of a sudden you're like, and he's stopping her. This is the brilliance of it. And he's throwing things at her, right?

And she's asking them questions. And he's like, nice that you're gonna send me to Anthrax Island. He's goofing on her. He's goofing on her with shit. It's like, you would be pissed if I wasn't gonna send you to Anthrax Island. He's goofing on her.

Yeah, he's making a mockery of the whole fucking thing. Yeah, he's just spitting on her to Anthrax Island. You know, but I don't know what I'm saying. She's coming at him. You tell me, you know what I'm saying? He's like, you never told me the story of why you ran away from your house. And she's like, he's like,

and he fucking banged it to the end. No, no, I'm not gonna tell you a dick that you tell me why. It was a total mind fuck. Total mind, you see it, Lee, and you're like, how did they get this? He took it to it. He said he imitated Alan Buffard.

Did you miss it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The studio is brilliant. And he mind fucks it, Lee. I'm fucking camera with you, can't do this. You cannot do it, it's impossible to do this. He's mind fucking it. She stops and she tells him the story.

I went, come on, officer, I like to, no, keep going. I went to the farm and there were animals dying. No, what did you do? I took one and I saved him and she just fucking. And he goes, so the reason you're trying to catch me is so you can hear the land. She doesn't want to hear the land's crying anymore.

She doesn't want to hear the land's crying. Lee, I want to get tears in my eyes. That's brother Lee. That is fucking, what's the name of that author? He wrote a bunch of those fuck, Thomas. Thomas Harris. Harris is Thomas Harris. Lee, this is a guy that you see him as,

if you're a comic, a writer, whatever the fuck you're trying to do in the entertainment, if somebody says Thomas Harris in the room, suck his dick because you want that DNA in your fingers. Take that sperm, rub it on your fingertips, and rub it on your teeth. Even you're an artist, if you paint walls, whatever the fuck you do, it fits creator.

Just suck his dick, do yourself the favor. Who the fuck, those books, that's really, and I haven't spoken to people who have said to me like, bro, let's cut it out, Joey. Scarface, all that shit, that's bullshit. Sounds the lambs. There's some serious people, I'm like, dog, yeah, that's great, he's gone with the wind to the Godfather,

but Son of the Lambs is a mental fuck. Have you read the book? Here's, now, which one's better? I read it in jail. I read it in jail, they're both great. They're both great. That's the problem with that fucking whole bunch of. They're both amazing.

You don't have that anymore, Joe. I read three of them, right, I read. There was, he did, Red Dragon is the first one. Which is the, what's the manhuntism? That was a good flick, the Michael Bann movie. Michael Bann, I'm telling you, this is the first one. And you know what, the guy who played Lector in that wasn't that bad either.

You know, it was in there, give him the star of that movie. The guy from CSI. Fuck, shit, the main guy from CSI, he was in, fuck me, this is killing me, he was great in that. He was William Peterson, he was great in that. And then he had one scene of the thief. He touches James Codd's fucking arm. Yeah.

And James Codd pulls the gun out and he runs away. He was great until he lived in Dine LA too, that was a fucking. Another fucking movie that's on now, for some reason, they must owe money. That's the living Dine LA has been on for about three fucking months now. And I'm gonna tell you, there's a line in that

that I completely stole. In 1985, when that movie came out, and I've been using it for years, and it's one of my favorites. It's John Titoro, when he gets busted at the airport. Then he, then the guy- He's like 15 years old, dude, it's funny watching how young he is.

Oh my God, and then the guy comes to see him. And he's talking to me, he's like, don't think he's got the fucking, this is how I'm gonna enact it, he's got Jared, what's the pink shit for Oasis? Pepto Bismo. Pepto Bismo at the visit, and he's drinking Pepto Bismo.

At the end, he's like, yeah, listen, don't say nothing, he goes, yeah. And I promise not to come in your mouth and to check it in the mail. That's how he, and he's telling this to the fucking, was the star of the movie. And as he goes to get up, he goes, bing, bing, and he goes, don't forget about me.

That's a classic fucking line. That's a classic John Titoro. You got that movie? That's John Titoro. I think I know where they're playing it again, because that piece of shit- I'm fucking Angkor every day at 4.30 a.m. Have you seen that piece of shit when we drive

that came out two years ago, that everyone, oh, it's brilliant. No, it's a rip off of To Live and Die, and they're like, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's hitting people on the head, yes. They need to educate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Look at the fucking little, we're giving you a heavy duty phone, but we ain't fucking around. You know, speaking of the science of the Lambs, my favorite part of that whole scene when he's got the mask on, is so when he tells the center, because the center's daughter's been kidnapped

by Buffalo Bill, the other serial killer. Okay. He's like, and he asks, did you breastfeed her? And she goes, why? And then she said, because a lot of times amputees will feel a tingling, like from their missing limb. He goes, so when your little daughter's laid out on the slab, maybe your nipple might feel a little bit,

like they're right. And then she just is going to take this thing back to Baltimore. And then that's when he does what Joey said. He starts, he describes everything, so they can't let him leave yet. He describes Buffalo Bill to a T. And then after he's completely just,

mind fuck this senator. Mind fuck them. As they're dragging him away, he goes, oh, by the way. One more thing. He loves the suit. Yeah, one more thing. Love the suit. Love the suit.

She fucking cracks. You can hear them. And this is, oh, you know what I'm speaking of with, like how brilliant of you. And again, something that I never even saw until like the fourth time I saw that movie is when Jodie Foster at the very beginning, she interviews him, right?

She, because that's the whole point of the movie. That's the whole patrol. And that's the same thing as man, like manhunter was about the William Peterson is trying to catch another serial killer. He's the one who busted Lector the first time. And the way he beat Lector was he got in his head so much that he started to think like him.

So that's a great mind fuck too. So he had to retire almost because he went to, he was so scared of getting in the Lector's mind that he started to think like Lector's. He said, I have to fucking walk away. Well, then this other serial killer that they call the Tooth Fairy starts killing people. And he said, you're the only guy who can do this.

He's like, fuck, all right. And it's great, but like, so she goes, Jodie Foster goes to see him. One thing I never know, it's like the fourth time I see it is he's like the far end of like the special ward. I mean, like where they keep these psychos of all psychos in this prison.

And she goes in and he's like, you know, there's six cells, he's cell number six at the end of the hallway, right? And so by the time she walks up to his cell to one of the greatest shots in movie history, he's already standing. He's not sitting down. He knew she was coming the minute

and he's just standing smiling through the glass. It's as scary as fucking like, whoa. And then one of the psychos goes, I can smell your cunt. He tells that to her. One of the guys in the prison. And then he goes, what did he tell you? Cause he told me he could smell my cunt and he goes, I cannot.

Like that was such a great- I myself cannot. I myself cannot. I'm telling you, it's an education in itself. It's an education and it fucking sucked that movie. What it really fucking is, if something, if you're trying to act or write or whatever, you're just trying to get the fucking-

If you want to tell a story, if you want anything direct, and then Joey, the guy's name, the guy who says I can smell your cunt, when she walks away, he literally comes on her. He's sitting there jerking off and throws a jizz on her face and she flips out. And because, Lector didn't give a fuck about her.

He was like, fuck her, he gives her nothing. And then the minute he throws jizz in her face, he says, come back, he helps her. Cause he feels bad for her that that guy humiliated her like that. So then Lector the next night, he talks that guy into killing himself. He just goes up to his cell and they never show it.

That's what makes it so fucking creepy. He just whispering to him through the cell and that guy just flips out and kills himself. And then later on, she comes back to visit and he makes a joke about her boss. And he goes, you guys fucking? And the guy's name was Miggs, he's through the jizz. And she goes, oh, I find that child is Dr. Lector.

That's like something Miggs would say. Then he goes, not anymore. Like that, that was great. He talked the guy into killing himself. He talks the dude into killing himself. No, did he say like, I want to kill yourself or are you just the guy? You never know, you never see it.

That's the mind fuck. Wait, you don't see it? That's the mind fuck. It's just, it's implied that you come back and you realize that he talked Miggs into killing himself. Like it's so creepy. And it's, oh, it's genius. Genius.

I can't get high. Cause if I get high, I'll get freaked out. But I'll have one. No, your head'll explode if you don't. Do you mind if I give him the recommendation for this? If you can find the criterion collection DVD version of it, the extras are mind blowing. So what the warden at the prison makes Lector watch

are these televangelist videos to annoy him. You know, he makes him watch these, and if you get the correct, all those, you actually see them. It's correct, like the detail they went into that. It's fucking amazing. It's, oh, it's tremendous. If you can find the criterion DVD version of it, get it.

Speaking of movies and the criterion collection, they have that on Hulu Plus, we're sponsored by Hulu Plus. You can go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the banner. I fucking love it. I mean, you must love you on the road. Have you ever gone to Hulu?

Hulu Plus? It's the best because you sit there, you just get the internet, you get the hotels internet going, right? And then bam, you stream, whatever. Oh, I love it. I love it. So any computer, any smartphone on your TV,

they have South Park, they have the criterion collection movies, they have the fat second nearly dead movie that I did the juice fast from. Don't wait, you get two weeks for free. After that, it's only $7.99 and I mean, Joey says it all the time, gotta get all the deals and I'm a Jew,

so I have the best deals for it. So that's it, man. I mean, just go to huluplus.com slash joey. This guy signed up again using his mother's name. I did. Oh, I'm going to. Fuck yeah. It's free.

Great idea. This shit, that's how they do it. That's how they do it. You know, when I got locked up, I called the prison where I was. I called the whole state of Colorado looking to see if I could shoot a special. I talked to, I got the number at the thing,

I'm gonna have somebody call for me. So I don't sound like a fucking fake in a Puerto Rican. I'm gonna have somebody call for me. You know, say it yourself. So let me tell you what happened yesterday. You know, Monday I came in here, I was a little fired up about, you were with me Sunday, and I want you to explain to people what happened.

First of all, let's get something straight. I'm not racist by no fucking means at all. No. But if I was racist, I hate fucking. If I was racist, I would hate wasps first. And I said that a couple of people got in the south and I understand that you guys meant it the wrong way. No, listen, Lee is Jewish, but he's half a wasp.

But the more we run together, he loses the wasp. I'm not a wasp. No, you're a nice kid. You're a fucking savage. I just don't understand that you haven't eaten her ass yet. That's only a wasp. But that's a waspy thing. Wasps don't eat ass.

They criticize pornography, you know, whatever. But I didn't mean it like what, no, no. I meant it by this fucking guy that had sandals on it. I know exactly what you mean. You don't mean actually rich white people. No. You mean stuck up people. Stuck up and dumbing is that it's so stupid.

And it's easier, yeah. Wasp is just, I mean, because it's a type of fucking person. No, it's not like that. So me and fucking Jerry are talking. And as I'm pulling up, I'm telling Jerry about this waspy fuck. And now you witness it. See, because you people think I make shit the fuck up

as I'm walking down the street. You had to see this, Lee. Even you would have got fucking aggravated. So me and my man, the cat on coffee. I got a green tea. He's got a fucking whatever green tea. You know how you try to walk through fucking Marie E. T. We're trying to walk through there.

There's a fucking guy in a car with glasses with those shields on. That's the fucking first sign that you're a waspy fuck. Oh, that's the worst. If you want to go for some glasses, you put those flip things on. That's 1970 type shit. He's got a Honda Accord.

Is he years old? No, he's like 50. And he's got another waspy fuck sitting next to him. Lee, they couldn't back out. And let's explain to those who don't live out here. There you go. Marie E. T. C. is one of the easiest. Oh, that place.

That's the whole thing, yeah. Yeah, it's one of the easiest parking lots on the fucking world to maneuver around. It's not like you're in, you know, and the guy, dude, he couldn't make it. And then Joey as we're walking, he looks right into his window and he goes, keep trying, fuck up.

No, you didn't. I can't take it at that point. I just sat behind a fucking guy, eating the turkey fucking sandwich and Italian deli with sandals on. Now I gotta bump it the fuck at this guy. You know, these shoes are just. He goes, keep trying, fuck off.

And then the guy gets more scared and he takes him even longer. It takes him even longer to get out because he's thinking Joey's gonna kill him if he can't, if he can't not get out of the parking lot. So him and his friend, they just get, they look at like, it literally like we couldn't, we might as well have been just two of the most

gangster looking black dudes on the planet. That's how scared they look. We're gonna get the fuck out of here. They thought we were two black dudes, ready to roll them. They were like, fuck, we come on, come on, Mitch. You can do this. He was cheering him on, come on, Mitch.

You got this, buddy. You can do this, come on. All these guys, it was, they kept going back and forth, back and forth. Wait, was it fucking Austin Howard? Here you go, dawg. The smoke's a fucking out. There's a whole big open entrance to it.

Hit it, Lee. It looks a little better for you, Lee, look. It was, it was, look at Lee, looking sharp today, like I'm the fucker. It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. And then Joey goes on this beautiful rant that I said, he's gotta do, is when you talked about the deli, then you mentioned waiting in line behind a guy,

and you, I don't smoke, I can't do it. I'll tell that story, maybe. He fucking, Joey tells the story. He tells it about by going to the Italian deli, and what'd you say about the people who order, they don't know how to order an Italian deli, so they, what did you, you go, here's the quote, Joey says. You want, and I fucking couldn't breathe.

He goes, they want the same turkey they get at Subway with that thin layer of jizz on it. That turkey at Subway has a thin layer of jizz. Listen, I wanted that turkey avocado fucking jalapeño sandwich to work. I would've lost 80 pounds on that turkey fucking sandwich at six points. I went to one day, it was delicious.

Two days later, I went again, and they gave me a piece of the turkey sticking out by itself, and I had that gloss on it. And I had that gloss, so you could see the fucking paw and everything. The paw. Like everything, they just hit it with a hammer, they just pushed it, and I tasted it, it didn't taste,

it's fucking nasty. It's brutal. It's really bad cold cuts, and that's why I call them communists, those are the worst people for your health right there. Subway. You ever sell your asshole after you fucking eat Subway? No.

Like not going to a yoga physician that's smelling of the asshole. You're going to happy, baby. You take a shit, you walk out, and you go back in the eight minutes, eight minutes later, going back in the eight minutes saying, you'll doubt yourself. You're like, I got a little doctor.

Yeah. Just saying fucking right. Subway, you take the worst shit after Subway. Subway, yeah, yeah, yeah. Worst in McDonald's, worst in any fast food place. I love Subway. Listen, on the road, if you're a broke-ass country. That's all you got, man.

I lived in fucking the veggie and cheese. Yeah. It was my favorite foot long, with vinegar and oil, and strong pepper. Good googly boogly. You can take that motherfucker a long way, dog. Yeah, man. You push his old shit out, and that's everything.

You got a pound of fucking lettuce in that shit. When I was on the road, and I had to take a Subway shit, I wouldn't do it in my hotel, because I don't want to ruin it. I would go to a Toys R Us. That's my tip. If anyone's ever traveling, you're going to take a shit in the Toys R Us.

Nobody's there. Nobody's there. Why wouldn't you do it in your hotel room? Because you stink it up for every, like all eight wings of the hotel room, you're going to smell it. Nah, you can't shit in Toys R Us. A little kid smells that, and he goes fucking bananas.

They're the cleanest bathrooms. I smell my shit, and I don't even want that. I got to get another bathroom in that place. Because in about a year, she's going to be in the bathroom. You're just going to get a Subway shit bathroom? Yeah, yeah, everything's shit. In the back yard is horrible. Yeah, in Subway outhouse, little Subway outhouse.

What's been coming out of my muffler lately is fucking, because I'm eating like today, I ate a nice piece of halibut for lunch. I went to the farmers market, and they had it for like nine, something like that. Which one do you go to? The one on Laurel Canyon Inn. I got the fucking food pieces of halibut.

I got a bag of clams. My mother, my wife made spaghetti and fucking clam sauce Well, the healthier you eat, the worse it is when I was juicing the stinkiest stuff I ever had. Oh, it's fucking pure fucking. The healthiest shit you eat, like soy protein. It comes out of you the worst way ever.

You eat one of those whey protein bars. See what your ass smells like. You can't even finish this shit. You got to tuck it back in your ass, run out there and give it a breather. You got to put a fan on, there's a stick of fucking matches. You need a lector mask.

Oh, and I hate that, and I hate that shit. People like matches. That is the worst smell in the world. Oh, it drives me nuts. It doesn't disguise it really. It just makes it smell worse. I've lived alone for so long in it. I haven't thought about it.

I had the girl over here for the whole weekend and I didn't use the bathroom in my room. I used the side one for that reason, but. Dude, just get a candle. Don't light a candle. You're gonna light a match, buy a fucking candle instead. You know what real success is having your own fucking bathroom?

Yeah. If you really think about it, that's part of like going, you know when I'm buying a house, but it is the deal. Honey, in that room, I'm building a bathroom. And these are the dimensions, like this is all I want.

I'll take half my retirement money to invest in that fucking. Now, would you put a TV in it? Or you literally just want a room to shit in? I want a room to shit in, with a shower that I can go right in with a bidet. You want a bidet? Oh yeah, turn it on, wash your asshole

and your nutsack. The only time I had it was in North Burden with you in that hotel. Did you use it? Yeah, it was weird. It was cold though. I wanted it to be like warm water. Well, cold water is good too

because it reduces the hemorrhoids. It's good for the ass. I don't have hemorrhoids. You know, in Japan, they got the thing that cleans your ass. The toilet that you flush it. Yeah. And it cleans your ass.

It washes it. It washes it in water. That's tremendous. But there's always residue. And then I go out and I come back because my asshole's on fire. That's the shit that kills me. So I like going right through the shitter,

right through the tub. Then I go in there for a little while and disintegrate it with a paper towel. What the fuck you got? One of those luffas and nutsack. And you clean around the muffler with the luffa to take the sides off. You know how we do it though.

Jesus, I never know you thought so much about it. God, it's disgusting. You walk, it's disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. You got to really think about it. So I would get a nice toilet. No TV. That's dummy type shit on a TV at night.

Because now I'm in there. I like a couple books. But then again, you ever take a shit and you got a book the next day, you're like, I don't want to touch that book. It's that shit. That's how I always stay. Like I look at a shitty book.

So I don't like taking nothing in there. I take magazines and I make read the whole thing on one shit. So all I can think about now is, since you guys fly so much, do you guys shit on planes? I can't. I'll kill you. I can't.

No fucking way. Last week a dude did it and I almost fucking, everybody looked at him weird. Not just me. I looked at him weird after everybody else looked at him weird like, dog, that's fucked up. Dude, even if it's five hours, shit at the airport. No shit at the airport, don't fly.

Top out, Sam, take the next flight. That's bullshit because it ruins it for everything. Because they're not that obvious. I don't care how big of a plane it is. You're going to smell it at the front, wherever. It's brutal. It's fucking brutal. I mean, it's, oh, no way.

Never. Can you shit in public though? Can you go to a mall and take a dump? But I always feel weird about doing that. So I'm like, I'd rather hold it and just wait and go to my, you know what did it, I think, was when I was living in Dallas, I was like, I grew up in Dallas.

I was like six years old and we went to this restaurant and I remember I went to the bathroom and the lights were all, it was all off. It was all gone and it pitch black. And then right when I walk in, this light of match comes on and there was just this black dude sitting, taking a dump and he just turned on a light and he goes, you shit in here and you take a piss

and that motherfucker over there. He goes, well, if you got a shit, you got to wait because I'm shit and I'm never going to do it. Now that was too gross. That was just too weird. It was like, okay, thank you, thank you for pointing it out but I'm getting the fuck. All right, thank you.

One of the best things I ever did 10 years ago as a comic was I chucked the ego out of the way and I started taking buses. Yeah, did the grand. There was a part of me that I said, you know what? I got to do this. When did you take Greyhound buses? All right.

This had to be 98 to 2003. Oh, I think many still do it over. I took Greyhound buses and it was an adventure of a lifetime. One of the best, best, best ones I ever took was from New York 42nd Street to Dallas Improv. Oh, wow. Yeah, dude.

How long did that take? 18 hours, that's a quick one. Yeah, that's the express. Cause that's the easy one. So they don't stop? Like you just go, they stop to gas up. But it's not, but they drive through the night

and stuff. I guess that's not bad. It wasn't bad. They all drive through the night. Here's the thing, they all drive through the night but the express, the ones that aren't expressed, dude, they're going to stop in every shitty little fucking town.

I paid the extra $28, whatever the fuck it was because what happened, what's not happened, I went to New York and everybody I went to hang out was busy, you know, life moved on. No, I thought I was still stuck in 82 and it's 98. And that's Martin Coke now, they're shooting heroin. You know, for now. Something happened, I said, you know what?

I got my bag, I called up Graham and I'm like, listen, Dallas and they're like, there's a fucking bus that leaves at 11, 15 that gets you there like at five the next day in the afternoon. I'm like, are you serious? It was an express. Tremendous.

The bad thing is if you got to go to the bathroom. That's brutal, dude. That's the bad thing. You just got to wait. You just got to hold it. I was gonna say we're gonna be, okay. And this was way before 9-11, so I would roll four or five joints.

Yeah. I would take a walkman or a dissman in those days and I would fucking, you know, I made the best but I had books. You know, after a while you learn how to do things. And then it doesn't become a chore. It doesn't become a chore. It's not like, oh, I can't believe it.

You actually enjoy it. Like I loved, like when I first started, I did that for about, that probably about a five year period when I first started doing the road because you know, a lot of times when you're at the levels, you know, I'm still kind of at that, like nobody knows who the fuck I am. So like when, especially when you're a beginner, man,

you're gonna get calls two days before the show. Two days before. That's what I was doing. Like hey, can you come and do this? And you can't say no because I can't say no to them but you can't fly because that's, you know, almost a thousand bucks. And then you do 78 dollars.

It's crazy. You pay, back then it was probably, what, 50, 60? That motherfucker used to call me Sunday night. Yes. To be there Tuesday. Yeah, Sunday to be there Tuesday. That's 20, that's 32 hours. 32, yeah, no question.

32, so it's an 11 o'clock from downtown LA that gets you there the next day at four. You gotta run home, take a shower, you're on stage. And you have, because you can't say no with that. You can't say no. Now you, like, because you, you don't like being, like you don't like sitting down and watching TV. I've taken the bus from Boston,

like the Greyhound from Boston to New York, which is four hours, taking that a thousand times. Easy. Do you freak out at like an 18 hour bus ride? No. No. But you don't like being confined, really. But you, listen, nobody likes being confined,

but if I get you by your fucking in, taking a jail now, you'll learn how to be confined. You'll learn how to be confined. You'll take three fucking breaths and you'll go fucking. You know what I'm saying? Here's the deal. When you got to get from New York to LA and your budget is a hundred bucks.

You'll learn, you can deal. You'll figure that. Or anything over a hundred comes out of your pocket, you know, in those days it was like 189. And I had the money to take the bus, like the flint. That was my plan. That was all you could do. To take the fucking plane three days later.

I had to be there til Tuesday. I called Trey. Trey was like, fucking come down, we got the room here. And I'll put you up. So it all worked out. I took buses from New York to Buffalo to audition for the soprano. It was Buffalo, New York.

Wow. Back to man. That's a six hour fucking bus ride, my friend. But again, when you're at that point, you have to do those things because nobody knows who you are. So you're not gonna get those carte blanche. You know, they're like, fuck it, we need you. That happened with El Paso a year ago

when my back was all fucked up. He called me on a Monday. Can you be here Wednesday? And it's like, you can't say no. You gotta figure it out. I mean, because it's, you know, at the end, the payday will be enough to make up for the trip and all that kind of shit.

But I mean, Greyhounds were lifesavers back when you first started doing the. I had some good times and I can't lie to you. And I wish I would have wrote about that. Yeah. I wish I would have kept the, I would have wrote now I would have known how to write them and now I would have published them about those years.

And I remember one time when I got on the bus, it was hot as fuck. I used to schedule my, for three or four years, I used to schedule my summers around Syracuse, Buffalo, Rochester, Toronto. This is when I was still allowed to go into Toronto. This was way before 9-11, where I would meet my friends,

my friends, girlfriend's father in Buffalo. He would take me to his house. Him and his wife would make me fucking spaghetti. They would talk Italian to me. Then let me take a shower and change clothes. He was in Canberra, the casinos in Canada. So he had a special pass. So he went through a back road and I waved at him

and he dropped me in fucking Ontario. And I take the bus to Toronto. And then two weeks later, I come back to the bus and give him my license and they go, who let you in? I came in last week, nobody said nothing. Get the fuck out of here. So I would go up there.

So I would bounce around. I had a friend that lived in Syracuse and had a landscape company. So instead of sitting in the hotel room for three days, or flying back to LA, I would stay at her basement, work for her for 60, 70 a day. She'd feed me, perfect. The kids, the whole fucking deal.

I had it down. But I booked my whole summer around Buffalo. Buffalo paid dick in those days. 250 to feature for 19 shows and shit. You may know though, but I remember one time taking the bus, this is a true fucking story. I sat next to this girl. She was a five or a six, but she had no clothes on.

You know what I'm saying? Well, it just got no clothes on. You don't give a fuck. She could have been a little chunky, whatever. And we started talking and by the way, she's telling, you know, I could tell she had the heels on a bus. She was a runaway stripper, but she was telling me,

and she told me right out. Like some people, you gotta love fucking honesty. This bitch just dropped it on me. Like after an hour or like so, after we get off the bus, you're gonna suck my dick with the light. And she's like, I would, but I got like a venereal disease. That's why I'm going to Buffalo to dance

because they chased me out of Syracuse. Oh shit. The health department knows I got this chlamydia or whatever the fucks we had. And you can't dance for a couple of weeks. And she's like, I gotta feed my kids. So this soldier, she had a dog. And here's the-

That is it, that is it. And I'd never forget that fucking chick telling me. And she's like, listen, I would, but I got like fucking VD. I got like three of them mixed and shit. I got a cough. I got a toe that's falling off. I got some fucked up shit cracking.

And I gotta get right to the fucking strip club and do a little jiggling. Because I got my kids. I left them in the fucking shelter. I mean, this bitch was a trooper. She's telling me this. Fuck these guys. And I even gave her the 20 ounce.

I think I even gave it to her because I couldn't believe it. Like she was like, I left my kids in a fucking shelter with the neighbor. And I'm coming up to Buffalo to dance. And hopefully I'll make 200, pay the 25 to go back to feed my kids. I'll keep coming back until the suspension. She was suspended like a baseball player

after the strike. Like she was suspended from dancing in Syracuse. It was either Syracuse or Rock Chester or Buffalo. Hope me on that. I'm gonna get it. You know what though? That's a true mother. Enough of this fucking oh, she drives all the team to soccer.

Fuck that. Fuck she works hard for the money. Yeah, go dance with Chlamydia. Go hop on a gray down to dinner. Since I've been loving you, cock sucker. That's what these people are going. The church of what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers. Jerry Rocha.

Led Zepp taking you back deep 73. Listen to this shit. This is 30 years. That's right. They're re-releasing it. We gotta spark up another one out of respect. It's been on VH1 on Friday nights. And I watch it every fucking time.

It's moving? Oh, and this is my hand when he describes it. And then we get bam, bam. You guys tell the story about that pop. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Listen, listen to fucking the bass for whatever his name. John Paul. John Paul Jones, dude.

This is Madison Square. This ain't Kevin Hart at the guard. This is Led Zepp. Listen to this shit. This is Led Zepp. Listen to this shit. Wiggle pump, but Joey, look, if you wiggle for this, and you see the head of the ax to see,

would you go see Led Zepp jump up and down? This is the wiggle. I think this is like the trance. I don't know. I like that line. The security guard wouldn't even pay attention to the crowd. They were watching. They were working.

I'm just taking it deep, motherfucker. Spark that. Oh, I did what I could. I forgot about it. Oh, I love you, motherfucker. Kick it, Lee. Kick it, Lee. You take that motherfucker through the roof.

Pop her in the ass. You smack that monkey. Hit it, Lee. Kick that motherfucker. That's a fucking jam. That's a nighttime jam. Fuck you. You got a gorilla biscuit.

You're laying there rubbing your feet. You pick your toenails with a fucking clip. Have you shown Mercy and Led Zepp on yet? Because you say you will play music for her. Does she like it? Yeah, I play music for her the most. She just sits there. I've showed her this.

This is one of my all-time favorite pieces live of all time. Because they have him. They have him. He's in the green room talking about it. He's talking about that this song usually takes a fucking place and he goes, you hear the energy, come back at your wine. He's describing it. And all of a sudden they just show Jimmy Page going right into it,

like a fucking savage with 666 on his pants. Kids went home. Listen, though. I didn't go. I was at the park when all those kids would come back. I'd be playing basketball. Yeah. Fucking faggot geek with my little fucking, you know,

windless reed basketball. That's shit. Number nine time. Thinking how it's bad. These motherfuckers were coming back drunker than a motherfucker. And I'm sitting there. And they tell me the stories. Like, bro, Jimmy Page.

And I go, fine, listen to this shit. And finally, my buddy gave me the Orman Brothers in an 8-track. And he had taped the soreness the same on it. And the Orman Brothers would end. And it would go right into that. And that might have almost fucking blew up. I listened to that for a whole fucking summer. You know what comes out?

I still got to pull over. It knocks my wind out of me. Anything off? How's it a holy? Oh, got it. The ocean. Diremaker. And all that stuff.

No quarter. Live. I did heroin to that. I seen a fucking nun doing strip dancing. None and all that shit going. That was like summer of 75 for me. That was when I was basically on my own. And I would put that out.

I cooked my steak-ums at night. Shit. I'd take my little shower. I'd put mascara on my fucking nut sack to make the hair look fuller. Dancing days is on hazard all night. Dancing days. You meant this. You put mascara on your pulse?

You think I was going to let that go? Why are you breaking my bubble? The reason why we're here basically, one other thing I got to tell you fucking people. Today I went to the Y today. Because Salami was fucking busy and had no audition. I got my shot. And then I went to the Y. I broke my sweats and everything.

But I wanted to try this. This has been like the eighth day in a row. I've been on that fucking shroom tag. In the sport? I did 15 on the bike to warm up. I did 20 on the bag. And I did 40 on the fucking epileptical machine. And then I went in the yoga room and I did a bunch of shrimp things.

Like those rollouts for jiu-jitsu. I did like five sets of fucking 50. Sweet. My shirt was drenched. I had to sit outside the car. The car probably smells like deck right now. From the steam sweat that came out of my fucking disgusting body. But I'll tell you what, man.

If you're looking for some endurance. If you're looking for, I'm 300 fucking pounds. And if I could last that shroom elliptical. And I smoke pot. And I fucking used to smoke cigarettes. And there's oak. I guarantee there's a coke fucking farm in one of my lungs developing. And a piece of Pablo Escobar.

I mean, there's some shit in my lungs. But let me tell you something. I'm starting to get in better, better shape. And it's because of these fucking honor products. Give me the shot. The fucking hemp protein. Give me the fucking shot. I know I've been writing better for the book.

And that's the alpha brain. I know I've been writing on two fucking cylinders. You know, we just taped the fucking CD. The material was all fucking new. This is alpha brain. This is the shit sitting down a cup of coffee through alpha brains in a fucking joint. Who's better than you? Fucking all these writers could suck your dick.

You can write your own son. That's in a fucking lamp. Go to fuckingonit.com. Buy a rope. Buy one of those fucking things. Buy some nutrients, whether it's hemp, powder, whatever the fuck turns you on. The alpha brain. Give me the shot.

Columbus did. Give me the shot. What are you doing? You're going out drinking with your friend and getting fucking bad breath shot in your face every Friday and Saturday. If you do get a piece of pussy, you got dead dick. Stop it. Even when I was 400 pounds, my dick was popping.

And I was eating pussy. Was I on alpha brain? No. I was doing blow. Say fucking difference. You understand me? Go to fuckingonit right now. Right now.

Before this podcast, just take a look for your uncle Joey. Pick something. Get the immune if you're sickly fucked. Get the immune. The other one. If you're fucking want to jump up and down, get the shroom tech sport. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to have to try this sport because the girl I'm dating is like the first girl

I've ever been with who actually enjoys sex. She was here this weekend and we did it like eight times. At the end of it, I was like, I haven't worked out in a while because I was tired after all the time. I'm going to have to get the sport and start. What do you call it? Shrimps. Shrimps to roll out when you're into somebody so you can push your hips.

I can only do like three of them when I went the first time. And I broke out into a polar sweat of worry because there's like 18 types of sweat. But when ten of them show up at the same time, it's a motherfucker to stop. You know what I'm saying? So I fucking them. But now I've been practicing them at the house that night. That's awesome. I'll do ten on each side and then I'll do twelve.

But my arms are still weak. They can't pick up my body. My body is a fucking massive thing. Are your legs stronger? That's what I mean to you. My arms, my arms are fucking. They can only hold up maybe like 180 dog. I'm 300.

It's like a stilt fucking 70 minute. One of those stilts in Apocalypse Now before they hit one of those. The reason why we're here today, to be honest with you, my man Jerry LaRocca, my main fucking brother, one of the guys that I've been running with for twelve years because he's written jokes for me. He makes me laugh. He's putting out a fucking CD on iTunes. Listen, he wanted me to play a track.

I ain't doing that shit. That's pressure when they play a track and me and Lee gotta laugh. That's too much fucking pressure. We love you too much. I'll tell you what, you guys know me a fucking long time. I wouldn't put somebody in this chair. I just don't put anybody in here when it comes to health or anything I do. This is my brother.

Go to fucking iTunes. I'm honored. Pre-order. What's the name of the thing? It's called Take That Real Dad. Take That Real Dad. I don't know. It's an ode to his father.

Now I gotta start this shit. Yeah, so my girlfriend designed the cover. It's just Jerry LaRocca, R-O-C-H-A. Take That Real Dad. Look at the back. It looks like Bruce Springsteen's. Not from the edge of time. Look at him.

That doesn't go where in the bar. I don't believe it. I don't know. They planned that shit. That's his favorite band, Bruce Springsteen. You gotta give him a try. I mean, just give Springsteen. Bro, stop it.

I've learned. I've listened to that first time 20,000 times. It's the shit laying in the town. He acts on stage. It irritates me. He always shows up with that Nazi haircut now. And he's fucking a Jew. I hate when they show up with the Nazi haircut now.

And the glasses. Like the old man, grandpa's glasses. The fake look. Like it's been set up, contrived. I don't like that shit. It makes me look but 10,000 frees out is still a fucking monster. Yeah, bro. There's some monsters.

There's some fucking monsters. And for everyone who doesn't like iTunes for whatever reason, you can go to standuprecords.com. Yes, standuprecords.com. Yep. Thank you. He's got some fucking jokes that have killed me. The fucking magician in Texas that they thought was a healer or whatever. The fucking Mexican at the Christmas thing.

He's got some great stuff. We went to your daughter's baptism. We got there early and I was dying. We went in and watched the service before and the stations of the cross. You just kept pointing at things. You're like, see that one? That's what they did to him. Yeah.

That's what they fucked him up real good. That's what the Jews did to him. I was asking leave. He felt proud. Look at what you guys did. Look at this shit. Look at what they did to this guy. You people must be proud.

And then I got you on the one when we went to the little side chapel and you were like, what's this? This is where they film all the nuns fucking each other. The porn. And you're like, really? They do? No. He's like, you know they film porn in this church.

This is the film all the nun fucking porn is in here. Keep it up, cock suckers. You're both going to go to hell. Talking about the church that way. You can talk about whether you're Jewish. Don't matter. I'm already going to hell. Me.

I got to work on this. You ain't going to hell yet until you smell a fucking fart blowing through your fucking one nostril. And what I'm thinking of doing for the pay-per-view special is taping your one nose and putting like a tube. So it just goes. I talk to this doctor. How are you going to get into a tube?

I talk to a doctor and he has a special system. You didn't get into a dog. What farting doctor? You don't have any emails I'm getting. People. Listen. What kind of doctor has a fart tube that running? You know how people have the puke bags?

Yeah. They shoot the same thing. He's going to tap into your little fucking the whole thing. He's not even going to let it go through your ass or lose the power. He's going to tap right into the heart of the fucking matter. You understand me where the molecular freak sits with a 20 pounds of cheeseburgers. I have no idea what you're saying. Close to your ass.

You ever watch Beverly Hills Cop? Yeah. In the beginning he's talking about the car that most people walk around with. Yeah. With 15 pounds of wugats. Yeah. Right close to their asshole. Touch your asshole at night.

That meat that just sits there until you die. Then it squirts out of your ass and says in the kitchen in the stomach. And what is he going to do? He's going to like. Tap into that. That's where the real funk of the patois is. I'm going to connect the tube so it goes right into your one nostril. Then we're going to put like a snorkel on your other fucking mouth.

It's going to be tremendously. I'm taking care. I'm looking after you. You're going to make 20 million. 20 million before this thing is over. I remember Joey does take care of his loved ones. He did that. My first weekend we met in El Paso.

I remember I drove. I left. We had lunch. Chinese buffet. And I took you back to the condo. And then I drove to a comic book store. And I immediately, they just come out with these brand new action figures. I bought all the money I'd save for the trip.

I was like, fuck it. I'm getting Thor. I'm getting Iron Man. I'm getting it. And then from there, that was it. I come home. I was like, man, I hope Joey's in this room. We're asleep.

I walk in. He's right there in the living room. All these fucking toys. Oh, it was great. And then from then on, you call me the Green Lantern. I loved it. This guy's the kiss of death. He's a man.

He fucks bitches too. He fucks bitches in the weirdest way because he's a geeky looking dude. He's got the glasses. You don't get high. He talks about fucking Iron Man 3 and shit. And he gets these girls back to his place and look at figurines. Well, you can talk to a girl to go back into your room to look at a figurine with no drugs. That's strength right there.

A figurine, right? Really? You want me to come back and look at a figurine? When they get back, they ain't no figurine. It's his fucking third dick. He pulls up and fucking. You know what? The secret is they're all into it.

The secret is the minute they get into it, then they're like, ooh, look at that. They start picked. They get into it. Is it like the 40-year-old virgin room? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. This guy's a fucking sap.

I got to give some shout-outs. Hold on. My main man, Art Louth. Cleo, I love you. I've been watching you, sexy motherfucker. Brutal me. Gray. Keith Miller.

Uncle Peter. Sammy Coila. Aaron Acola. Dead Squad Harlem. I'll see you motherfuckers September 13th and 14th. I got them comedy club. You badass motherfuckers. Dead Squad all over.

North Cal. I've been watching you guys. Dead Squad News. Dead Squad fucking Columbia. All of you Dead Squatters. I love you. Thank you for all the love and support. Lee, where you been?

I'm in New York. You call me every three hours. Where you been fucking, John? How many interviews you go for? Listen to this, people. Before you motherfuckers that are sitting there. I can't find the job. Lee, how many interviews you go to?

It's been seven straight interviews. Seven straight interviews. You fucking motherfuckers. I got a cold boy over here, but it's a, I went somewhere yesterday and it's, I wanted to talk to you guys about it. It's a, because you've talked about it before, how like you, with certain movies or clubs, they try to low ball you. Right.

I went to an interview yesterday and I won't go business. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do that. But they, they come out like they want, they want the most for the least. They want the most for the least. They, they come out like they want, they want the most for the least. They were trying to have me do two separate jobs, be there for 16 hours a day, which I wouldn't mind doing, but they're, they're like, it's almost no money.

It's like, it would work out to like minimum wage. And I was thinking that got me angry and like, I, I, I'm, I've been here for two and a half years. So now I'm at the point where I don't need to take every job that's offered to me. And it's a weird, like, how do you guys deal with it? Cause like you, you probably get offers and you're like, this is like, it's not even worth the time. It's kind of insulting.

Like it's, like it was, it pissed me off last night. You know what? Do you mind if I jump in first? Hit it. All right. This happened to me recently. I'm not going to, of course, won't name names, but I met with a couple of people who wanted to represent me, right?

And it's, and the problem is you, and I just learned this, you can't, they can't know that you need it. You know what I mean? If that makes sense, because then they're going to start doing this. It's the same with the girl, I guess. And they, they can't know that you need it. It is. It's like, and I remember, and I just, and I fell for it all.

I'm like, oh great. They're going to do X, Y, and Z for me also. And I would just jump and then I realized after it was like, fuck no, it's none of that's going to happen. And the problem is they can't know that you need it. And then you, you know, like they just, it's not worth it. I don't think that's, it wasn't going to come out to minimum wage. You're working 16 hours a day.

I think the biggest red flag is you said, you don't mind doing that. Fuck that. You should let her know that you mind doing that. I'm going to do a good job for you within eight hours. And you better give me, you know, you just, you kind of have to. Like I worked at a place that wouldn't pay overtime and I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, I think that's that.

Yeah. It's just, I think that it's one of those weird things where it's like, you know, does that make sense? Like you can't, you can't let them know that you actually need it, that you're desperate or not that you're desperate. You know what I mean? But like, you have to play it like fuck this. You should be, I'm the talent here.

You guys aren't going to find someone who's as good as me. And the guy who interviewed me, I had worked with at a different show. He was a PA there and he's a coordinator now. Right. And that basically means he's scheduled. It's a nothing job. But he said to me, he's like, because the job was a staff and I'm a freelance. He's like, well, they pay more for freelance because they're going to be unemployed.

And I wanted to laugh at him, but it was an interview. I'm like, you can't, they pay us, but we're worth. Like you can't, like you can't say, well, we're going to pay you less because you're full, it's a full time job. Like just upset me when I was thinking about it. And you guys must deal with it all the time because I have to look for a job every couple of times. You guys are looking for jobs every single weekend.

Every night. We're trying to have somebody. But it's tough, man. It's, you know, companies are getting so fucking greedy now, like with these, because they're getting desperate to themselves. That's, you know, so they're, they don't have any, nobody hires full time employees anymore. It's all fucking part-timers.

They don't have to pay medical benefits. They don't have to pay them unemployment. None of that shit. Yeah. They, it's all, everyone's just all part-time. And so of course they would love you saying, Hey, I'll work 16 hours a day and do three different jobs if you pay me a minimum wage. That's like a fucking fuck that.

Yeah. I don't like it. What do you think, Joey? Me? I don't fucking know. I don't, as a comic, you got to take jobs sometimes. Yeah. You sometimes have to eat the bullets.

You have to. You have to eat the fucking bullets. But sometimes you got to sit there and go, you get to a level when they say, I'm not going to fucking do this no more. And you just don't do it and you move on with your life. And now I think you're seeing it for what it is. You're not, you know, they expect a lot of people to go, this is a big company. I'll do this and sell myself for 16 fucking hours a day and not have a life.

Yeah. When I first started, someone, my boss at a different job asked me to stay late and help her, but you couldn't pay me. Like not even not pay overtime. She just wouldn't pay me. And this guy in a different department pulled me aside. He said, no one's here doing it for free. And so like even now when people are like, Oh, you should, you could stay late and finish

that. I'm like, I'm not doing this for free. And it's when you're young, it's something I'm just now starting to understand is you can't always say yes. You have to say no sometimes. You have to. I mean, it's just the trick of it all, I think is figuring out which ones to say yes to that you shouldn't say yes to that you need to and which ones to say no to and you

have to find that. Cause you just, yeah, it's a tough fucking trick, but you got to figure out which one to say yes to what to say no to. But I think you're right. You shouldn't say yes to everything. Cause then, you know, it's just then it's like that whole, they're just going to think you can do it all the time and they're just going to expect it out of you. And it's they're like expecting you to let you, to let them fuck you is what it is.

It's like, Oh, hopefully he's fine. He won't, he won't bitch about it. Cause you're turning down even auditions, you're turning down interviews essentially. Yeah. Yeah. Just because I see the value compared to what's going to happen, you know, if it's a TV show or something that's going for sure, I don't mind showing up down there. But if you're going to give me the low end fucking sag for me to fly out and be away

from my family, I can't do a podcast to take me out of this normal routine. You got to pay me a certain amount of money. Ten years ago, I would have, you know, this last offer I had was to go to fucking Utah, you know, for a week. I'm going to go to Utah with my family. I mean, she's got to wait. They got to come full week. At the end, they want to give you three bills a day and a point on a movie.

Movie ain't going nowhere. Movie ain't going nowhere. The movie's going right the fucking, some fucking old God saying that, you know, anyway, why get into it? But that's what's going to happen. I've done a thousand of these. We discussed this on here. Sag has done this thing now where when I got here, everybody paid scale.

And from time to time, he did a movie for $4.66. Okay, not bad. I could live with that. But then all of a sudden, $2.58, and that's not bad either. $2.58, three days, you know? They give you a wardrobe, you eat, you talk to a fucking leaf for three days, you get to work with Jerry, you know? But then they start doing these $100 a day.

And that's not bad enough. They start doing $50 a day. Did you do $50 a day? $50 a day. Ultra slow budget. Jesus. Wow. You know, I did a bunch of deferreds.

When I first moved here, guys, I did, I'm not kidding you, motherfuckers, I did 15 deferred movies. And nobody knows that. Nobody knows that because the movies went nowhere. What does deferred mean? What does deferred mean? They don't give you gots until they sell it. Oh, shit.

And then they fucking pay you. Not one of those movies. I shot in dark alleys and fucking downtown LA. I had to use my car, my own suits. There was one movie I did with a Japanese crew. We went to the people's houses, was in their living room, the premiere. When they put it, it was their feet. It was fucking, they shot more of the fucking feet than anything.

These directors that come from a Japanese school, well, they had like a foot fetish. Every scene went from Lee to you to the fucking feet. You know, I did all those things. I met my shot up. There's a kid I still talked to, Lenny Citrano. Very interesting story. One of the first movies I did in this town was with Lenny. These people, Lee, you guys would have thought it was, who did the Godfather, who did Goodfellas?

You know, who was the director? Scorsese. You thought these people were Scorsese. All right. It was about a guy, an English guy that was a philanthropist, but he did different things. The episode always started at the bar, and it was him telling the story, and then they would play it out. Like this has never been done before, and this episode, we were bookmakers, I had no lines.

No fucking lines. I went to beat up this bookmaker, and I forget who he is, now he's like a known actor at the time, because my buddy Lenny Citrano was the other idiot. We rehearsed for free for a week from midnight to eight in the fucking morning. I would go to the store, do a set, get a gram of blow, and we'd go right up the hill, to Hollywood Hills, then we would do it with these porno girls, and it was fucking horrendous. It was horrendous. And these people were blown, smoke up our ass.

If we don't sell it to CBS or NBC, BBC has already made it all for, you know, just guys. All bullshit. It was all bullshit. But I became friends with Lenny Citrano, who is a great actor, and he taught me a lot. He's been here for a long fucking time. Lenny Citrano is on Facebook, and he's a musician, but I'm going to tell you motherfuckers, what a badass he is. I got, I went to an audition in September, the end of September one time, you would walk

into something, you know, well, there's things that when you walk into this town, when you walk into it, you know it's you. Or you just know. You get one of those a year. And I get one of those a year, because I put the work in, so the good Lord, or whoever can do Jesus, Jezua, throws me a little hand now. I walk into this fucking commercial, and it's a cable network, but they wanted six mafia guys, six.

So right away my stock goes right, the odds go shoot, they want six guys, they want funny people. So I went in there later down, it was like, at the end of September, the callback was in November, like it was, it was Comcast, it was Comcast, okay? Boom. So, October, November came, they called us all in, the callback was supposed to be like on the 24th, it was on the 17th, I'm going to forget this, we did it a week before Thanksgiving, we're sitting there, you know, we get there at six in the morning, we were in Costco,

Comcast is doing surveys, and it's with mobsters, and it's a funny concept, you know what I'm saying? And they're doing like, you know, transvestites, and they're doing like, you know, this thing, so what do you think about cable and systems, and it's fucking great. And in the middle of this audition, this guy goes, bro, I found this lump, I've known Lenny for, you know, at this point, I've known Lenny for eight years, and he goes, they found this fucking thing, and I got to call the doctor for the results, and he calls the doctor at lunchtime, he's got cancer.

Oh, God. Do you think this motherfucker cries, or taps out, like, he tells me and my knee is buckled, like right then and there, I'd call a timeout, like taking a Comcast commercial, and show it up in your mother's ass. This guy shot the next eight hours, with tears in his eyes, you know, confused, thinking. It was just him and I who knew. Wow. He shot the commercial, and I kept in touch with him, you know, I drove up to his house

a few times, and we're still fucking friends until this day. That's great. That's crazy. And it's amazing. And he lived, he lived. He's doing okay. He caught it. It was a little lump on his breast.

Oh, great. Male, whatever, cancer. Knock on fucking wood. Do you want to know one? No, no, I'm good. I'm straight. Did you catch that too, before a couple of minutes ago? What?

You caught somethings going on with me before. No, no, no. I was going to panic inside. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't breathe. Oh, no. I just thought the drunk was out.

I'm going to psychiatrists on Saturday, waiting for the call, that's why the phone's right here. You nervous about this? You ever been to a shrink before? No. How do you, I mean, are you thinking like, I don't want, I don't even want to know what they're going to pull out of me? I told the doctor a friend of mine, and he called me, he, as I was telling him, he goes,

bro, this happens. What's going on? I told him what happens. And he goes, oh, I know what this is. I know a lady I could probably solve in two visits. Hey. So I said, get around this stick. It's probably going to be like 9,000 an hour, but it's worse than living with this.

Dude, absolutely. I can't breathe, and it takes off. No. You've had a little, like it sounds weird, but you've had like a lot of fucked up stuff as happened to you. Like, are you worried, like, what if you go in there and like you start like, sobbing and like, like, are you worried about that at all? That's a place to do it, though.

That's a place to do it. It's a place where it happens. I mean, it's like, I sob on the podcast. Well, no, I know. I've cried on the podcast. I've heard comics say like, they don't want to like, what if like, they get on the, like the thing that makes them funny goes away, or you don't think about that at all? I think it's like, okay, so a confession booth is for your soul.

I think this is a confession booth for your, you know, for, you know, I looked it up. I looked up when I was getting, and it said that. The first thing it said was, it just happens, deep, deep sexual abuse. And I know for a fact that was a sexually fucking abuse. So because I've thought about it, just because you think about it, you gotta think about it. Nobody's thinking of me. What the fuck? Right.

Yeah. What the fuck? The ugly fucking chick of the dance. Don't be able to follow my nuts. What the fuck? So now I don't think about it. I always just, you know, I, my mom was very, my mom, you know, if you see the pictures of me and my mom after my father died, she, and they told me, people were like, you know,

you lived in that back room when you were a kid. She kept you back there until three, and then she took you home. She took you to eat. And all those pictures of me were, I remember there's one picture that, you know, nobody ever seen, and it's Tito Puente at my mother's bar, like 1968, dressed up with some other fucking black musicians. My mom is on stage at the Maracas, and I'm a baby, like Mercy. Like I'm fucking crawling with a sock off.

You see me and my mother always used to have that in her room, and she says, that was you at two in the morning. So you're always, she used to always say, you're gonna be a night owl, because you were raised. There you are. That was two in the morning. Yeah. That was two. You had a missing sock.

You were laying it down. Motherfucker. With Tito fucking Puente. With Tito Puente in fucking northern New Jersey, you know what I'm saying? That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. So, but how long have the panic things have been happening?

Is this your whole life? I had my ear infection. Really? I got my ear infection. That's when they started about five months ago. First time I had my ear infection, I went to work out at Muay Thai America, and it was like having ADD in your ear. Everything was very scattered.

That blows your fucking mind. And every time my lung would go up, and I'd just go into a simple, I would have to run outside. That's the moment. Yeah. So, one of the reasons why I joined Jiu Jitsu was because of the little panic attacks I get at Muay Thai America sometimes. I'm not one.

I don't like taking energy drinks a lot. I think that shit gives me more panic attacks. Yeah, of course. That's full. You don't need that shit. That's full of weird shit. Nobody should be. Yeah.

So, now when I go to Jiu Jitsu, I get it so bad that I got to pop up, take my belt off, take my gi off the top, and go pee. And it's this pee that smells like fear and death and it smells like one of Clint Eastwood's victims. It smells like Lee Van Cleef. I know you're not going to stop, but sometimes, I don't really ever get panic attacks a couple of times, but sometimes when I do, it's because I had edibles. And you fucking eat more edibles than you would have ever seen.

That's why I've been eating the edibles. Now you know. I mean, I love the chiba-choos. I love the fucking, the Dolores, and I love the other ones, but I got to tell you what, it's raising the stake. I think. I hope not. It's just a casket that's blown within me.

You know, I looked at, it said that maybe like, you know, a new addition to the family, shit like that, and getting married, quick changes, you know, or I'm fucking 50 and I got bad fucking looks, and we'll find out Friday at 11. I already got everything coming. I'm going to a long doctor at 11 Friday, I'm going to a heart doctor. All bases. Next Wednesday at 11. I don't fuck around though.

I'll tell you. I'm enjoying it. You know, my girlfriend's been suffering from anxiety or all that, and she gets panic attacks. I've never. I was just like, oh, come on, you'll be fine. It's like, you don't understand. But she took a pill and shit.

Yeah. She goes, you don't understand what a panic attack is. You feel like you can't breathe. Like you're going to die because you can't. It's scary to suddenly not be able to take in oxygen is a real scary fucking thing where it just feels like there's no air and you're just like, and she. I really thought I had to take my headphones off. Oh, that's what, okay.

That's why I thought I had to run outside and go to 7-Eleven and get nose drops. Okay. I don't think I've never not been able to breathe, but every once in a while, things like speed up and slow down kind of like so it feels like my heart's racing and it feels like everything's going really fast, but also feels like I see everything in slow motion. Is that something that you go through like, or is that something else that I'm doing that's fucking weird? Well, you're fucked up.

I'd have to be to be doing this at six in the morning. Keep it up. Keep it up. That's some scary shit, man. That's, I mean, that is some fucking frightening, frightening things that you have to deal with. And it's weird. I mean, it's social anxieties are weird. That's where my girlfriend gets it from social stuff.

Oh, yeah. It's anxieties, weird and, but all kinds of anxiety just fluxes in your brain, you know, it's scary. I mean, I don't know, I've never, you ever been to a psychiatrist? No, my mom, when my parents got divorced, my mom really wanted me to and I just, I didn't feel like I needed it. And I don't know. I don't have anything against it, but I just at that point, I didn't feel like I needed

it. But it feels like you probably, when you were younger, you probably wouldn't have gone to a therapist. Would you? Like it seems like you probably didn't go to the doctor for a while. Like you just like, you're too busy doing other stuff. When I went to, when I got locked up, they always sent you to, you know, the in-house guy, don't they?

You know, to me, it was always a joke. And then when I went to the halfway house, I failed the, I wasn't even doing blow. This is how weird karma works. I wasn't even doing blow, but I was making good money when I was in the half, like I was calling BCTC two days ago to see if I could get ahold of the security guy, to see what the chances are of me going in there and just doing a talk there and putting it in a special, you know, not taping it there necessarily, but just doing the talk there. I mean, BCTC is right across the street from where the guy lived where I kidnaped.

And that's all you do is like this. So let's say that's BCTC, you go like this, boom, right across, can't get a boulevard. And that's a prison, right? 90 degrees. No, that's the halfway house. Turn your face, 90 degrees, and you're there. And you're right there. That halfway house, I've always felt like a hypocrite because I never really did straight

time if I fucking floated through there like a fee for the night. Yeah, didn't you? Wasn't that positive test because you were selling it to other people? Yeah, I was selling. I remember one day having a half ounce of blow in this, you know, top bunk. Wow. And I was weighing it on the scale and I heard the lady come in and I took it and I was trying to close it.

And you've never done blow when you try to close the package. Sometimes it stiffens up and all the coke rocks flying in the air, like close it, put it under the bed and she came in and she goes, what's all those white things? And I go the fucking ceiling. That was the first time I used that line. Wow. And she goes, yes, it is. Jesus, we got to get somebody up here.

That was quick thinking, by the way. I fucking did. No, I did it on the plane one time. A coke rock fell out of my nose on a, on a, on a, on a, in the old days, there used to be bars and airplanes. You could get up and mingle. It's not like a flight now that people came and they brought you a drink. In the old days, right by the exit door, there was no seats there.

That was a bar. That's crazy. That was a bar. Like a little chick sitting there all night with a bar, no stools, but you could stretch out your leg for 10 minutes and you have to go back. And one time I was doing powder in that fucking bathroom, like a savage. I'm snorting this shit, like it's going, and I come out of this and it was, I don't know if it was, it wasn't, it was the bar, but there was a napkin on top of it, like

a black nap. Sure. And I told this, I want to test it, go test it, was it, Lee? Yeah, I think so. The coke rock fell out and I fucking looked up. The guy looked at the coke rock and looked at me and I just fucking looked up. So you just walked around with it in your nose? No, it fell out of my fucking nose.

You didn't realize it was in your nose, right? Yeah. Sometimes it goes up and it comes back down. You always have the rings, but sometimes the coke rock doesn't go out, like I was such a savage. Like that was nice. I would just, with my finger, I would wet a coke rock and just put it in my fucking nose and leave it in there and massage it in there until the fucking coke rock melted.

And I do the other thing. Vaporized it. I swear to God. I just lick my finger and put it in, got a coke rock and just stick it in my fucking finger until my eyeball would cross a little bit. And I do the other fucking side and baboo. I was all over like the fucking shit. I think, we talked about this a little bit because it's weird how much, like, how little

and how much we have in common about both of us never having, like, you know, my real father, I've never met him. You know, my mom had a boyfriend her whole life, bless you, my mom had a boyfriend her whole life that was like my dad and he was my father, not my biological because I never fucking met him. You know what I mean? He was my fucking dad, always. I mean, I'm just like, not to be your psychiatrist right now, but are you maybe worried about

being a parent? Could that be called like a little, like, you know what, guys, let's listen, let's fucking get something straight since day one I'm wound up tighter than most people. That's no big deal. I'm wound up tight. That's 60% of the fucking problem. When I go talk to this lady, it's to unwound that tightness, to find that I have fears like everybody else.

You all have fears. How the fuck don't you have fears that they can raise the rent, you're out in the street and you got 840 hours and you check every fucking day, that's all you have. And people have to know that, you know, they see us on a podcast or whatever, they think that we're flying, that there's millions coming out of the sky. You know, I got a wife and a kid and we live in a fucking home and you got to come up with bills every month and I got to get a new car now, you know, the lease is over. I mean, every month is a new fucking adventure.

We all fucking bleed when we get cut and we're all in this together. I never want people to think, so we have natural fears, you have natural fears, whatever. You know, I listen, man, my mother always raised me, prepared if she died. Did I know it then? No, no, no, I had no idea. I know it now. I knew three years later when I was doing my own laundry, what she meant. I knew it three years later when I was cooking my own eggs, when I was calling the airlines

for my own plane ticket, when I was paying my own bills. You know, when I was 10, my mother would make me walk and pay the phone bill and pay the electric bill and even if she had money and caps, that was my job, I had to go pay this shit. It's not like it is now that you're writing a check and here, go mail this fuck note. I do it online. Yeah. You had to walk.

You had to walk. To like a store? Huh? To like a store? Yeah. You had to walk to a building that sold phones, you had to walk to AT&T and they had a window where you went and told them your number, 201-863-63 or whatever and then you get $34.98 and you give them the $34 cash, so you got to walk there knowing you had the 30 in your

pocket, the kids could fucking take it from you and you got to tiptoe through a bad day when you're in the city and God forbid you got to pay the mortgage. My mother used to make me send me the mortgage. The mortgage was on 57th of Maryland. That's a three hour walk or a fucking bus ride. And you're a target because you literally have 600 cash in on you, dude, like one bad slip. There was no checks in those fucking days.

Yeah, one slip up. It's all gone. So it's a different thing. It felt like she was preparing me. So in the same way, I look at this six month old daughter and I'm like, I can't have panic attacks with this kid around. Well, she cuts us out and the finger starts bleeding and I faint. I do that shit all the time on my own.

Do you think you're probably just psyching yourself up then? All the time. That's crazy. I think that's what panic is. You've psyched yourself up to a magnitude that you can't reason yourself down from it. The reason why I don't stay in Vegas or anywhere in the city and this is silver fines is because I like him personally. To me, and this is silver is to really understand and this is so he's a comedian.

He's not the tainer. I ended up a fighter. I'm a thief. I ended up a comedian. So I understand the journey, but I understand the same things in their patois and that's what you have to stand about people. If you really look at a criminal and what his job is, then you understand the comic. Lenny Bruce was a cunt hair from being a criminal.

Richard Pryor blew himself up with fucking, you're at the cunt hair of danger always. So what was I talking about? We had a good line about to bring it to MMA because of you. I'm just getting into the sport. A lot of people are happy that he got beat. Fuck him. He's always been disrespecting his opponents. I don't think they understand.

He's not disrespecting his opponents. He's playing a game. That was a game that he was playing and he's putting it on the show. If you live by the sword, you're fucked by the sword. You kind of have to be, I mean, it's probably the same for you guys. If you don't have the confidence, then you're going to get beaten. So if you guys don't have confidence to go on stage, if a heckler beats you, you have to yell at a heckler.

But every time, every once in a while, they're going to say, they're going to have a line or something, but it just seems like, I mean, yeah, it was kind of, it's stupid to put your hands down, but he has to have the confidence that he's the number one guy. That and also I think he literally was putting on a show. I mean, I think it's like those kind of dudes. It's like Anderson. I mean, I know, obviously this is a real sport and guys are getting fucked up and stuff like that.

Like it's not the outcomes aren't determined like pro wrestling, but they all they know how to work that audience too. And he knows how to piss off a car to him. I bet when the crowds get all pissed when he does that, that's laughter in his eyes. That's I'm kill. I'm doing my job because not only am I good at what I'm doing, but I've also made this a spectator sport into where, you know, if MMA, if it were just him and that guy in a ring with no audience and just a judge, he would fuck that dude up in five seconds.

But instead, since there's a crowd and people are paying money to watch this, he's putting on a show. It's the same thing that the fucking dude everybody hates. Mayweather, he does the same shit. When you hit when Mayweather gets punched, you'll smile at the guy who just hit him. Like that was funny. You tried to hurt me and he's not doing it. Mayweather is that is a great analogy because you can't tell me that you watch 24 seven.

I watch it every time. He's a comic. He's a fucking standup comedian on stage. He doesn't give a fuck. Have you watched that? I've seen him on Twitter. It's the other guy is like chill son and I love chill and like he's losing fights. He shouldn't be having all these great fights, but he's he's a great promoter.

I love chill. Well, that's it. You need that guy. It's like those guys that are just nothing compared to Floyd Mayweather. No, dude, Mayweather is. Have you seen his Twitter post pictures of him betting like $800,000 on the heat game? Oh, Floyd Mayweather. Oh, he's but he loves the fact that he's he's pissing off all these white people.

He fucking loves it. Black people. Yes. He makes you watch him when he makes black people wait for him. Oh, it's hilarious. But he is. Fuck. Watch our seven to watch 24 seven.

It is fucking hours. He trains at night. So go Lee, get to the fucking stadium. Get to 7 11 and curse out. We're going to box. You know, I fucking love at 30 at night. What are you fucking crazy? I'm already in bed.

They don't have a fuck. You want to get paid, you better get down. Yeah. He tells you 11. He knows your sharp tool, too. And he expects you to wait. Yeah. Oh, you said that you're going to wait.

Fucking girl. Yeah, wait. Jesus. But see, that's the thing. What people understand is they are playing to the crowd. When that again, if it were if boxing, if MMA, if I fully believe this, if it were just like like little kids karate tournaments, even to a lesser extent, where it's just a judge and the two fighters and nobody else made

weather wouldn't even toy with anybody. He would win every fight in the first two rounds. You know what I mean? And then Anderson Silva, are you kidding me? Would any of his fights go longer than five minutes if there was no crowd? They don't rematch. Oh, yeah, of course. December 29th, I will be in Miami.

I already booked for the Christmas after Miami. So I'm leaving Christmas Eve for Miami. I was surprised. I was I went to a Buffalo Wildlings. Like I've been to a sports bar to watch Boston sports and they cheer because everyone's a fan of Boston. But I went there and just when he walked out, I wasn't even in the restaurant. I was busy.

So I was out in the patio. The patio erupted when he went out. They didn't clap for anyone else the entire night when like when he won't. When he just started walking out, the patio erupted. Like I'm like, it's like a street in Hollywood. I'm like, what the people? They it's like it's just it's they they love they love to hate that guy. But it's stupid because I think what he's doing is fucking brilliant.

I think it's a huge move on it to just to purposely annoy people. Like that is genius. And then because nobody would give a fuck about it. If in the opening, if it was like Mike Tyson, where after the first two punches, he's killed the guy and nobody's left. Eventually it gets old. It gets boring and it's like, why are we going to watch this? Yeah.

So they want to watch him so they can get mad and be like, he knows that and he's play he plays it up. I think he's fucking brilliant at it. Mayweather's fucking brilliant at it. And the only difference was nobody's Mayweather hasn't been caught being cute. Like Silva was caught putting on the show. And you know what, Joe, when I saw you earlier today, I thought, you know, in the rematch, Silva was just going to kill the guy in five seconds.

He probably not. He's probably going to toy with him again. He's going to do the same shit just to piss everybody off again. And then he's, you know, like I I wouldn't be surprised if he just said, no, no, no, I didn't need to learn a lesson because I was like, oh, he's learned his lesson. There was no lesson he needed to learn. He'd know you're going to teach him something about fighting. Get the no fucking way.

He knows everything. There's no lesson straight. Yeah, there's no lesson to learn. Fucking straight. He's just going to toy with people again. That's what he does champion for seven years. Nine, I think, Joey, nine is something like something insane like that. We're just you. That's amazing.

And you really think about it. Imagine a fucking slew of opponents. It's not like they fight every once every three years. That dude goes out there. What how is he at least twice a year almost once they found the ditch once they found that that you could take him down. That was the game. That was everybody said, fuck it.

That's the new game. And when chair was on top of them, when everybody said, well, let's take him down and we figured out how to beat him. Child showed the world how to beat him, take him down, take him off his game. If a guy can't kick you, he can't beat you. Right. Can't beat me if you're on the floor. So chair showed the world.

So now they all had a plan that plan and they said, no, they had a plan. Awesome. It's different. Now he got hit. Now what happens to your job? Now that you become chuckled down, every time you get tapped to your sneeze, you knock yourself out with your sneeze because now your jaw is a target for everybody. Everybody knows that's priority. Number one, I'm going to kick you in the leg and come right over with the fucking

overhead right and cracking that fucking side again or or fake that over and come up with the hook. I think you knocked him out with the hook. Yeah, it was almost like a baby. Well, baby hook. Not that one loss is going to mean a comeback, but like, you know how sometimes we can either actors go down or even like a big sports team goes down and they come back and they watch Rocky.

They made four fucking movies out of a lot. Think you're dealing with here. Some novice. This is the beginning of a war. This is war. But let's go our face at the end. This is war. I was like, what the fuck is he talking about?

How pissed do you think Vegas was? Like, how much money do you think Vegas lost? I read today, something made a million dollars bet. Wow. On Wideman. I think on Wideman, I didn't read the whole article. So somebody suspicious. There's shit going on.

Let's see what happened. What do you got this week and talk like this weekend? I got a legal. You got the way taking a little girlfriend. We're just going to she's been she's going to law school. So she's it's her first week of like a pre-class. So she we're just going to stay here because she's like she's there like seven in the morning, the seven at night.

Back to the shade. So yeah, you know, the place smells good. It smells great. Oh, it's like, because of all this weed and stuff, I put there's there's air freshener in every room because I spent like five hours cleaning before she came last weekend because it was dirty. But you clean the toilet, you take the old Jew has off the toilet. He called he called me up before she came over.

He's like, all right, you're going to go to that for three days. You should be able to collect at least six pubic hairs. You keep a little piece of paper by your by your bed. You just look at the stick into the paper. I want to see the paper when I come over on Monday morning. You think he did? You think he said she shaved? So she's going to have three or four little leftover pupils in her asshole.

Oh, yeah, I'm not taking. I love it. Listen, when you finger bang their ass on the way out, I'm not one of those. It's always the same move. You take that little fucking hair to go. My baby, my baby, make you make a wish on it like an eyelash. You make a wish off it like an eyelash. Yeah, you got to take the stick out of your ass.

I love Joey's sex tips, man, the best, the best. Hey, listen, sex tips, talk to these people. Let them know with this fucking savage of an out. Just cover that. This thing is going to come out on July 16th on iTunes standup records. You can pre-order it now, though. If you just hop on iTunes right now, just type in my name, Jerry Rocha. Take that real dad.

It'll come up. It looks like an old book. That's the cover that my girlfriend designed. And yeah, that's old red to get a red. And yeah, it's right there on iTunes, man, please pick it up. I would love it. It's it's got it's got the uncle joke on it. It's got a we're talking about Greyhound.

It's got the one where that story really happened. I was on the Greyhound with the dude and yeah, that I kick it off with that one with the Greyhound story. Yeah, it's good. But yeah, my back has been so much better. I'm going to say what I've been doing, but I don't want to give him any more ammunition to get me, but I'm going to do it. I've been thrown frisbee golf, frisbee golf, this golf.

Fucking golf. I've been playing this by myself and you hurt yourself by yourself. No, no, no, he's out there by himself. So a few people think he got problems. He's just fucking mookin. I was out there by myself and plays frisbee. Wait till two Mexicans come by with a stick when they have a good time. He's going to call me.

I got mugged in Brooklyn and in LA playing frisbee golf. I call him last night. He's eating chicken with spinach and goat cheese. Yeah. I go, wait, you're Mexican. Mexicans don't fucking eat goat cheese. Disgusting. My girlfriend, dude, she's got me on all this.

He rolls it up in a wheat pita. I almost went over there and stabbed him with a Mexican fucking with a fucking taco from Taco Bell. Oh, shit. All right, so get the fucking CD on iTunes. Thank you, guys. Do yourself the favor. This kid's talented.

I love this kid. I love this kid. He's one of those kids that you sit there and you go, win. All right, I can see me. I'm dirty. I can see this guy's crazy, but win. When is the network going to give this kid fucking a hundred grand in his own show and give him a CD?

When? When? What are you waiting for? Every week you put some worthless motherfucker on your network. That's fake. This kid's the real fucking deal. Jerry LaRocha. Facebook, Twitter.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know it's in your asshole. What's your fucking problem, Cuckuckling? Nothing. Don't make me go over there and stab you with this vapor pen in the asshole and shit. Why? You got me in the fucking mood.

I'm like one week away from convinced you're doing something. You're talking about sexual stuff. Every fucking thing. You're just going to put a vapor pen on my asshole. Like what are you talking about? Not this vapor pen. The fucking one with THC. I'm going to make it.

I want Jenny Friedman to fucking. I want you to sniff her fucking. Who's Jenny Friedman? Some Jew with a hot, tight ass asshole. Can I give Lee quick advice before the next church? It's going to be Monday, the next church? Is that right? We watch Sons of the Fucking Lambs, please.

The girl likes scary movies. I'll watch it this week. It's not a scary movie. It's great. You're going to love this movie. You're going to learn a lot. You're going to call me and go, wow. What the fuck?

We'll see if I call you at 5 AM with nightmares. Why have I been wasting my time all these years going to see these fucking terrible movies at the movie theater? Oh yeah, this at the end was the worst. I was so disappointed. I couldn't even. That just looks like, hey, we have a lot of famous friends. That's what it ended up being.

I have no interest in that. I love everyone in it, but it was like, what the fuck? You know, I couldn't stand with the one with Bill Murray. Lost in translation. I felt the same way that every doll had such a brilliant movie. I'm supposed to feel sorry for a millionaire who's in China or Japan for three weeks. Yeah, who's dick-stucked by a 20-year-old?

That's a fucking, that's a kiss of God right there. I thought you'd kill yourself. I'm going to kill myself. I'm never going to get a sloth, little 20-year-old twat like that. That smells like fucking, you know. That's great. I told the people.

And you're on the, you're home this weekend. Next weekend, you're in Philadelphia. Next week, I'm in the fucking city. My birthday week. I can't believe I'm going to miss my birthday. What are you going to do? I was, I was planning a whole event. Let me see, what is the idea that you're going to come up

for your 25th birthday? I thought we were going to go get muffins and bagels and do all that. Dude, let's talk about the Sarah Lee fucking bagels in his kitchen. Are you kidding me? He yelled at me because I didn't have any food in my house for the girl.

So I went grocery shopping with the girl. He's a Jew. You don't eat Sarah Lee bagels. That's the fucking, that's for Gentiles. You give him some of that. That's like a Mexican and Taco Bell, dude. You don't do that. Jews don't eat Sarah Lee.

You yelled at me because I didn't have any food here for the girl. So before I brought her home, we went grocery shopping. It's like a Mexican. And she picked up bagels. What are you going to do for your 25th birthday? Just going out and getting drunk and spending time with the girl.

That's all. That's good. That's good. That's it. What do you want me to do? Fly to Vegas and jump up and down? I'm going. You know me.

If it's up to me, I want you to stay at the Chateau fucking whatever it be. You got to do some sexual. You got to let her fart in your face. She won't fart in my face. She's a nice person. That's it. Your 25th birthday, all right.

The next testicle testament, July 31st at the Ice House, the live taping, we're going to get the chick to that fart in your face. It's not like it's been too long. We've been fucking around. That's great. I didn't know it was your 25th birthday. I know you're going to have a faggot on.

I went to the Mexican restaurant. No, I'm going to a Barney B. I like the Chateau. Oh, boy. Wow. I like that, boy. Whoopee. I like that, boy.

I like that, boy. That's a fucking real old boy. I wish I was 25 again, because I could go there with my aunt. That's what bring her suicide note and shit. So you should use that. Why are you fucking serious? Yeah, I'm going to a bar with all my friends

and then the girl and I are going to come home. Not those fucking stomach, kids. I invited a bunch of people, asshole. Not the girl and her brother. They're part of the people who are coming, yeah. This guy, he's kind of elected to himself. You just told me they're fucking dead weight. No, I wasn't going to say that.

You said it three weeks ago, you're going on. The brother's dead weight. Listen, you're going to fuck the sister. She didn't want to be the whole time. It was three months ago. You still want to suck your dick? No, my basically girlfriend's coming now. But you're still going to blow it up in the bathroom.

Do you not understand how this works, Lee? What the fuck, Lee? It's your birthday. It's your 25th birthday. You're not going to figure up the ass up? You're going to have to party, sorry. Everything that you think that would make it great sounds like a terrible thing to me.

No, that's it. Get your girl to bang the sister in front of you. You're taking that Stamika chick with the Japanese friend that don't suck your dick, with the brother with the other Stamika that's not Lee. Really? What? Because Jordan Lee says something.

He goes, yeah, we're going to have Lee's birthday party. Yeah, I invited Jordan. Oh, well, Jesus Christ. Are you fucking serious? Monty's being to me. Have you lost your mind? I like that bar. You're going to go all the way to Hollywood

to get torched on a Saturday night. Yeah. And to get a DUI on the way home. I'm not going to be driving. Who's that? I'll take a cab or something. You won't go for a cab? That's a $20 cab.

No shit, dude. You crazy? Get it together. Then she'll drive. I don't know. What is the big question? She can't drink. On your birthday, the broad's not going to drink.

Yeah, you can't do that. So where do you want me to go? You're going to go somewhere here. Tell those people to go shoot themselves. Yeah. That's the last batch of people you want to say on your birthday. If they ain't sucking your dick, don't show up here with the brother.

Please. Yeah, tell them to leave the brother at home and come by yourself. Any time a dirty chick shows up with a brother. Oh, it's a worse thing. You got to go, dog. You know who you are. Don't bring him. Don't bring the brother.

You don't like to do it anyway. And then the friend, then the Japanese chick, they're always the soldier. No, why isn't your friend's got him out of here? It's you and this new girlfriend. A bottle of wine, a Elvis movie. Yeah. Save.

You put a robe on, you do a manicure, you go to fucking Benihana, up the cliff right here in the valley. Make it a night with her, dude. You don't need to save cranium for your family. That's too unknowledgeable. Dude, save the board. Save the board games and Thanksgiving. I'm a Friday night, Bonnie.

It's been a waste of time. All right, maybe I'll rethink my plans. No, no, no, up here. Tell these idiots to come up here and then lose them all. Yeah. Let them go to Bonnie's meeting. Don't say nothing. Tell me you're going to bar hop and then bullshit him.

Go meet him at one bar. Thank you all. Happy birthday. I lost my phone. I got mugged by three Puerto Ricans. I'm feeling the girl right up here somewhere, a nice sushi place. You throw sushi in her mouth like that, and you throw the fuck out.

And you throw the sashi in her mouth. That's all over. It's your birthday. And you want to hang out with fucking Dudley Fuddies. Bad brother. I'm trying to hold Piano here. You're my brother. All right.

If I was in town, I'd light your balls on fire, take a push, drip blood. All right, that's it. What are you doing to my balls there? Forget about it. Has he ever given you advice in his life? What are you doing to my balls there? You fucking gigglin.

He's talking about taping a straw in my nose and then taping it out into the straw. You're doing it a lot, though. You're going to learn a lot with that body. No, that's the party. I don't want to be invited, too. You're 25 years old. No, but he's absolutely right.

You don't need to hang with dead weight on your fucking birthday. No way. They're not going to do that. No fucking way. Two editors, you don't need to tell me that. That way, it's you and this broad. You like this girl. Yeah.

You put a robot, you get some avocados, you shave your stomach. And look, you got hair on your stomach. Yeah. You got jewelry on your stomach. Of course it is. Fucking make like a design. Yeah. I don't have that much.

I have a little. What's her name? The girl, my new girl, Paula. Paula and she's there. P, P, P, P, P. And then look, a P and then the bottom of the P is an arrow pointing right through your balls. Come on, Jesus.

Look at this. How hard would that be, right? That would be genius. Got some strawberries, a couple bottles. I have strawberries. They are fucking dodo, like a fake dodo. So you can suck a little twat. It was your advice.

He called me and we said, you're looking strawberries. Get this big one, dip it in sugar, stick it under pussy. Eat it. Eat it two hours later. Ooh, it's juicy. Who needs a chocolate covered strawberry? When was the last time you got a fucking monkey covered strawberry?

A strawberry covered in chocha. When was the last time? Who takes candy like me, conch sucker? No body. This is why you got to take Onit products. You people sitting there going, Joe, how do you think of this shit? Alphabet.

Go to Onit.com, cut this shit. Go for the first day in the right direction of health. Onit.com, get a rope. Get one of those fucking one-on things that you pull up a kettlebell. Do something. Do something. Do something.

Yeah, do something. Get a fucking vitamin pack. You can mix and match. You can get the shrewd tech sport. You get the Alphabet. You can get the hemp chocolate protein, all right? Don't make me yell at you again. Get it together.

Onit, go to the box of the corner and Brits, when you church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. That's it. Yeah, and then after that, you're going to go to Onit. Now that the show is on it, go to Hulu Plus. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

and start watching your favorite hit shows right now. Go to our show homepage at joeyds.net. Click on the Hulu Plus banner for your extended free trial or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, the banner at joeyds.net or huluplus.com slash joey. Have a good weekend. Thanks for having me. Stay black.

Always, Jerry Rocha. Thank you, Jerry. He's on Facebook, Twitter, bad, funny motherfuckers. What is it on Twitter, just Jerry Rocha? Jerry A. Rocha. What's with the question? What's with the question? Jerry what?

Jerry A. Rocha. OK. Oh, shit, Lee Zion. Oh, shit. This is from your hometown, Lee. This is what you represent every day, every split, when you leave the house. The first five hours, you represent not the old shit.

It's like a little mind fucking issue with a slow little guitar. Hit it, Lee. Hit it, Lee. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. Wiggle for Wiggle, Jerry. Give me a little Wednesday wiggle.

A little Wednesday wiggle. Come on, get up, baby. You haven't wiggled for me all week. There's no video. You don't need to wiggle, just for me. Fuck with you. I don't need to shame you with the world. Let's go.

Let's go, John Paulito, Johnny. Feel a little wiggle. Hey, Lee. You're wearing out the things that nobody wears. You call them my name, but I gotta make clear. I can't say, baby, where I've been in a year.