Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/15/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #97

Episode Date: July 16, 2013

Joey and Lee solo today. This episode is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Streamed live on 07/15/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey oh shit oh shit it's monday july 15th are you fucking kidding me we're at half time of fucking july already we're at half time of the fucking year and you're sitting there contemplating get up you fuck let's do this roll that fucking number get that on reduce couple jumping jacks hit it hey i'm your life i'm no one who takes you there hey what's a boob belly i'm no one a boob

boob belly you know the fucking stomach hurt you ate too many egg rolls you know what the fuck is going on what's happening Lisa yeah not much dude uh it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive what's going on with this shit i see you look on the computer everything all right today everything seems to be going okay let's see if it's working all right fuck we're jail we're here it's a brand new week it's monday cocksuckers get up touch your toes look out the window the sun's shining it's going to be a hot motherfucker today across the country some people going to be floating around from the rain you know how it is it happens yeah what'd you do this week in cock liquor hang out with the girl a little bit it's going it's going pretty awesome i'm pretty

happy your love i see you posted pictures i am posted it facebook posted a picture of her but um no it's working so facebook just woke up no because i had a morning and said you know what today we're gonna post the picture of these girlfriends somebody had to post the fucking picture stop breaking my no fucking dude's back i i it's weird but when now when you're dating someone you have to put it's facebook official so i put it like i put it on the thing that she's my girlfriend and facebook posted a picture of her because i said that that's all i didn't i didn't so it's official you're in a relationship it's official once it's on facebook it's over it's over that's it once you put it on facebook you're good but i was talking to one of my friends last night and uh

like she even said to me she said you're not dating anyone else right i'm like so i said no she's like you you don't seem like that kind of person then i would love to be to be honest like in my in like my deepest darkened secrets i could be cool to be like not cheat but like be the guy who has like eight different girls but i can't i'm not the kind of guy that can do that fuck that that's all you gotta lie to eight women no but yeah it's uh it's tough i have a hard time with my wife just hanging around you might just have to lie to her and i'm gonna fuck you i can't do it i don't have the fucking time or the energy it's it's tough doesn't have to keep the life straight and oh it's fucking tough man yeah no it's it's much better you know look at you want

you want me to tie you up and throw you out the window one day we're in but i can't fucking what we're gonna do i don't have time for myself lee yeah between the working out the writing the fucking comedy the podcast the looking up shit and trying to get guests that did how the fuck do you know how am i gonna go out there sling thick i don't even sleep enough what we're saying like i'm even sleep enough like it is i sleep six five hours a fucking night last night laid down at 10 o'clock trying to get a good night's sleep 1115 i had to pop back up again and write a few fucking jokes i had in my mind cultivating oh really yeah you don't fucking sleep you know it's uh i got out i fucked around on facebook they fucked around on twitter i haven't seen those people in a couple

days i miss them i missed twitter and facebook after a couple days yeah you had like not not off but you didn't you didn't travel this weekend so you had like kind of a more relaxing weekend oh my god it was uh friday night i went to jujitsu okay and friday night that's a monday's and friday's the top jujitsu it's a half hour really it's a big class i thought most people would want to take that night off no i'm fucking up but he does his calisthenics and running and lapping because he wants you to do the techniques where your muscles are tired so you don't you don't use your muscle you go more for technique so he went those are the only two classes mondays and fridays that you don't walk for two days that's why i don't go on monday nights no more because that'd be fucked

up till thursday or wednesday it's the lord diminishing maternity is not worth it so i rather do a kickboxing work on monday and then tuesday go to him in the daytime and then wednesday night go over there or something in thursday day but monday and friday is a good because then i have saturday and sunday to recoup yeah all i got to do is push a push a fucking stroller saturday and sunday and that's all i did that's all i really did friday night i think i was in bed like nine o'clock or something one of those fucking nights saturday night i went to bed at nine o'clock went to good dinner with my friend from the agency nice me and my wife the baby went to get barbecue got some nice barbecue chicken oh that's nice yeah yeah it was pretty fucking great man that was it

that was my weekend man yeah i hadn't seen mercy since the baptism and then i went over on thursday we went to a the laugh factory and she's really cute healers he sticks her tongue out at me every time i see her she's fucking big man it's it's it's fucking weird yeah it's been like it just hit six months last week right six months six fucking months you know and it's weird because i went walking around with my wife yesterday and we were talking about how i had nothing going on when i met my wife basically nothing at 37 years old i had nothing going on how sad is that i did comedy a couple nights a week at the comedy store i wrote a few jokes and i just wasted my life i was doing blow i was nothing i had nothing going on and i met her and i kicked it up a little i was always

a regular at the store like i was always at least doing spots at the fucking store and i had spots at the improv the store was my main club you know when i came home and she was a waitress there we met and we went out a few dates and then you know this is the fucking weird we were talking about this just like all right so we're dating for about a month okay all right we're dating for about a month i'm living on uh gardener with Ralphie May and Gavin and all these people in the building and she's living on a charade in her apartment and one night after the comedy store she came over i was going to new york okay and i remember that i had to uh like she came over like you've been you've been talking to this girl you're dating about a month yeah we were with about a month

okay all right is the thing down no tell me and i fucking uh had about 35 bucks from her like i looked her straight in the face at six in the morning i got to talk to you but i'm just like what i'm going to new york and i probably got $30 and she goes how about i give you 35 bucks it's $37 that i made last night she made $37 a night before waitressing she said she had 20 something on her atm card and she'll buy and she gave me the rest of the cigarette she had and i probably had $10 worth of weed and that was it and i went and she drove me to the airport and she drove back on e pretty much and so she got home so she could waitress the next day to get cash again that's how broke we were jesus that's how fucking broke she was waitressing four ships

she thought she wanted to be an actress nothing was going on in her world that that's how broke we were so 37 that would make her she was like early 30 she was 30 wow she was a young girl and she was out here lost too she you know she was just waitressing and her big money was on the weekends during the week she just made 40 50 60 bucks you know yeah so she'd buy cat food dinner and that was it she put away 20 years or whatever that was it that's fucking real talk right there though and did you realize it like to me like i i don't think about it every day but i keep thinking like i i don't want like to me like that kind of would freak me out like now at 25 like if i thought like a 37 like like when i like when i want to be 37 i want to be like i want to maybe have a house

or something like did you think about that every day or we all do we all do yeah i made a constant decision you know i got into comedy at 31 years old wow so i committed to a life of death so you're only six years in at that point six seven eight years in maybe yeah 99 yeah 2000 i met her 2099 i met her so i was probably seven years in really strong like really yeah eight nine something like that but really six years in seven years i've been doing it every day this is what i was committed to and it was a life of misery at the time you know i was getting 200 a gig here 300 a gig there 100 a quarter 15 at the store you know there was no acting jobs then to break up the monotony you know and that's that's what we're talking about yesterday how we've

seen the evolvement like as soon as i started dating her that summer uh that winter i jumped into an acting class i was on the road too much was it because of her no i was on the road i was just on the road to rogan i was in the road by myself and i was going on the road to break even i was basically going on the road to snorkel cane okay to make money snorkel cane tell stupid stories with other comedians i was wasting my time as a comic i was just buying time but did you did you want to get off the road to spend more time with her not at all okay not at all i wanted to keep doing the dumb shit i was doing and then the sopranos hit and then i auditioned for the second season and that's when i met her when i auditioned for the second season and she kept putting in my head

that they wouldn't have called you in that many times if they didn't like you yeah you should pursue other jobs so josh wolf had just gotten his deal from fox i called josh wolf and i asked him for 500 dollars and i took that 500 and i got i only got two months of an acting class and i probably bought a gram of coke acting classes in those days with 200 a month okay and i bought probably two months and to buy me time and i took an acting class and i took an acting class i kept writing jokes and i kept doing stand-up and i booked i forget what the fuck it was now first show i really really legitimately booked was 99 wheels of justice or something i'm tnn which is now spike 99 wheels of justice 99 wheels of justice or something like that wheels of justice or something

i played a fucking pimp really yeah i played a white like a mobster thing and then what had happened was how i lucked out was that the sopranos were so big that everybody who cast mob characters they want they would say soprano types okay so i would book everything yeah anything i would go in for i would clobber right over the fucking head bam bam bam you know a lot of shit you didn't see but then i booked three episodes on this show with a bunch of kids start like stars excuse me like cindy portier and a bunch of people their sons okay so his daughter there was some somebody else's son on the show the show was about attorneys and i booked three episodes on that and dog i went on that set and i didn't know what the fuck i was doing oh really you understand me i didn't know

action i didn't know cutting at that time i had already shot baseball he'd already shown a huge movie yeah when i first moved here the first real real real real thing i shot was baseball it was fucking huge i love that movie and i went and i didn't know anything about it nothing like they had a fucking walk me through it action cut get on your mark look at this look at the camera don't do this i knew nothing guys when i did basketball nothing nothing i had done nothing that's just that that's just to let you know people you could do whatever the fuck you want that they make a big deal about everything you're like they make it seem so distant that you could do shit like that they make it seem so distant and then i went to this thing right after baseball

i went to this audition in the fucking uh in Santa Monica okay and i went and i read the thing and the guy walked me to the elevator i never forget that before i got to the car my agent paged me and i called them back and he goes they love you they're gonna use you for the cbs pilot oh shit and for a month this went on where they're gonna use me or not and they kept paying me a thousand bucks a week oh shit and then finally they go we're gonna use you when the show gets picked up we're not gonna use you on the pilot we're gonna save you for the first three episodes and the show never got picked up oh that's crazy but nothing really really started clicking till i booked the first skit of the Sopranos uh from mad tv what you were that do you think

2003 look it up mad tv Sopranos all right nothing really fucking happened until i booked that mad tv Sopranos uh i just keep seeing a bunch of videos do you want me to play it no it was either 2003 i'll tell you on the video let's see here we see the 2003 this one doesn't say anyways or 2002 mad tv was doing a sketch of the Sopranos like 20 people called me at the house and said Doug they're looking for you yeah they're looking for your ideas they go no they're looking for Sopranos and i went down to mad tv and i'm sitting that mind of my own fucking business nervous as fuck and who comes walking past me with airy spears oh really and he goes what's happening brother like what's up with you and he goes nothing man what are you doing here i'm

reading for the videos really he was holding on he walked back there and we grabbed the casting directly pulled around he pointed it to me and that was it did he did stand up yeah he was at the store a lot oh cool and uh i knew him from fat month tuesday you know i would see these guys around town he walked past me went right into the casting director pulled her out and then she showed it to me and then they made me going later on and then they made me stay and made producers and they hired me the same fucking day well and it was me and a couple other guys is that big an acting because like in in in editing it's really who you know like you have to like your friends get you a lot of jobs well at the time i feel everything i was funny i looked like big fucking pussy and i was right i

mean i wasn't like he walked by and said you got a gift but no it wasn't a gift but it made them know that he was a friend so they hired me and uh and if i'm there i wouldn't have a fucking tear like i just i i booked this movie american gun with uh with uh james cobert okay and i was so fucking excited i didn't know james cobert was that it was james cobert and then somebody there's a couple fucking actors in the movie and i booked this fucking movie and i uh 2005 let's see uh russia eight harden uh forest Whitaker donald southerland uh amanda seafreed was in it no that's not it that's not it no american gun yeah it's gotta be like uh it wasn't 2002 oh this is his 05 that's the only one that comes up yeah it was like 2002 with james cobert and i fucking booked it

right and that sat that sunday night i was doing something for some ski company mm-hmm and i bumped into a bag of like 3000 cash and i stole it and i took it home with me i've been saying the egg i'm not even wait wait what does that mean you were doing what for a ski company i was i was fucking flat broke and it was like christmas it was like december 10th 11 12th around there okay and i was working for a uh i got a call from josh wool that one of his buddies did this thing for a ski company okay every year if i wanted to cover from that year he had a job writing and basically it was three weeks i mean terry a flat fucking broke uh huh flat fucking broke and i get this job making 400 miles a night for three weeks going to these ski things and going good evening welcome to come

your number is 369 four foot you want a pair of skis and i would leave for 20 minutes 400 a night for three weeks for three weeks holy shit so i did that and they paid me in advance here's the deal i get to the guy's like let me pay an event i'm like yeah sure whatever pays me in advance i bring it home i pay off a bunch of shit child support my rent the whole thing and then there was three nights left of it and they had worked every night one week we had worked monday through saturday and they had charged 10 20 bucks at the door and they were all interns college students young little fucking dummies and they were all sitting there talking about how they got $15,000 in the fucking car and i'm sitting there with my super hearing it's another room and i'm hearing this

these fucking dummies and they're talking about how they're scared to drive around with it that they don't understand and it's hidden in the carbs by the door and they're saying all this shit and they don't know i could hear them i could fucking hear everything that's going on so i'm my mind's working it's a sunday and i'm thinking how i'm gonna clip that fucking car because at first i was thinking of clipping the bag but i might as well clip the fucking car ditch it you're still a whole car the whole fucking car so they don't know what happened oh no because if the cops come they're gonna go what happened the bag we're gonna have to talk to everybody so i said fuck it i'll just steal the whole fucking car i'll take the kids keys

and i'm working this motherfucker i'm there from like four o'clock in the afternoon i'm working i'm working and i'm sending them because we had to wait till seven yeah so we were in a bar drinking and i'm sending them drinks i'm not drinking i'm just sending them drinks from a chick like with a note i love you and finally some two girls come in and he's got this is what i needed i needed something to deter him and the girls flirt with him he's flirting with him but he's got the bag between his legs with the cash at this time no he doesn't yes he does he's gonna pay for this and he's got the bag with the cash finally i see him get the bag because he's getting drunk and he puts it in the back of the fucking car you don't like those cars that like

a Nissan they slam yeah a trunk but the back compartment was like a minivan and he put it right fucking there and then he walked away he went quickly and he put it and he put it by the door behind the driver's seat okay i'm like oh my god i'm watching them from inside the bar i'm watching them watching them watching them watching them so he comes back and all snake goes come on we gotta go like so he's flirting with this girl flirting with this fucking girl and he goes to start the movie right he goes are you ready i go yeah he goes all right and he puts his bag down without the cash the cash is in the car okay but his keys are right there oh no so i take the keys i go click click and i open the fucking car and i go on stage and i'm

like hopefully you won't even know and i go on stage so you just unlock the door unlock the door do you keep the keys in your hand or no i leave them in his bag okay i don't know i just go click click i go to the fucking thing i i do the show i do my 10 minutes i fucking come out i look at him he's all over that girl i walk out to the car they open the door and the door is open i go fuck it so i go listen i'm gonna go to get a mexican thing down the corner he goes go ahead you got plenty of time they're doing something else so come back for the second show so i get in my car and i drive around and his car is like 40 feet away now he could see the back of it he could watch the back of his car if somebody's robbing it but he can't watch the side in the

front so i i go over and i put my car in front of his in the street and i walk over like i left my wallet he goes what happened i go no i think i left my wallet oh no i'll go back and look at the car i just wanted to see if he could see it he couldn't see my car so right there i went i ran around the corner again i took my car put in front of his and i got out opened up the fucking passenger door behind the seat went in found like a bag of money and took it and fucking got my car i put in the trunk of the car under uh the spare tire yeah i drove around the corner i was just in heaven i'm like you know i'm never know i went back i closed the car with his keys so he would never know and i went back and did the second show it's a sunday night i went to this audition on

a thursday for this james cobra movie friday they called me and they go you got a call back for a james cobra yeah i found it are you fucking kidding what year was it 2002 this one was in 2002 had virginia madsen barbara barba bane alexander holden so i'm sitting there i'm like oh my god i got this audition tomorrow 11 o'clock i'm gonna fucking uh go and then i got the money i'm gonna do the second show and i'm gonna get in the car i'm gonna be done by 10 after 10 and i'll be at home by midnight i'll be at the store and i'll get a fucking big rock and coke and i fucking do the second show i say welcome and i tell these little fucking college students see you tomorrow night you fucking morons and i take getting that car and i take off i don't even

look at the trunk and once i pass immigration i pull over and i take what's in the trunk out and it's a lot of fucking money it's like three thousand dollars i throw the bag out the rubber band i take the cash i put under my uh i put it back under the the tire just in case if they call the cops when i get pulled over that's how i was thinking i'm way ahead of the Jesus i get the fucking hollywood there's nobody at the store right okay in the coke dealer that was at the store like he always had 40s and 20s i was gonna buy a little batch from him he wasn't there so i went to the black guy's house i was getting the coke the martel cartel and they had some mediocre coke but i went in this night with a bunch of money i said listen man i'm sick and tired i'm paying for cut

i want this shit you motherfuckers are getting you guys want 180 for an eight ball here's 250 give me the good shit and they were like man okay calm down and they went upstairs and got me the good shit and i went back to this fucking commie store i didn't do any coke because i wanted to go on stage okay i got back to the commie so it's a little redhead over there and she's telling me how she made a bunch of money tonight and she wants to buy an eight ball so i said you could buy half of mine so i sold it to her for whatever 130 whatever the fuck i paid and she goes i want to party i'm like oh what are you i got nowhere to take you and she goes let's get a hotel room just like that like just like that no i didn't like your birthday i didn't

say nothing to the fucking girl went over to the sahara motel on sunset across from rouse right there yeah went into a bunch of blow and like at five in the morning she looks at me she goes i need for you to do me a favor i need for you to pull my hair and come on my stomach or something fucking ridiculous now between me and you i fuck you leave you let me i'll fuck anybody you know what i'm just saying but i didn't i didn't go to the fucker that night i just wanted to get high you know what i'm saying i just want to get high next thing you know i'm on her shoulders pulling her fucking head with my dick out pissing on her jesus christ so i get home and i'm fucking whacked it's like eight there in the morning i got a rocket coke in my pocket i got an audition with

james cobra 11 i go fuck it i'm going to sleep and i go to sleep about 11 o'clock the phone rings that's a casting director he goes where the fuck are you i got the director here i got the producer here they're dying to give you the fucking job so i washed my face and i ran up there and booked american gun jesus james cobra did they ever fucked up did this ski company ever call you they called me two days later and they were like hey man did you see anything suspicious to you on hand i'm like no and the kid from then i went down there the the the tuesday night was in torrance okay and the wednesday night was in like redondo beach so for the torrance one uh that was traffic and i didn't make it down there or something i go bro i'm not gonna he goes don't worry about

just come to tomorrow night and i went to tuesday night and i think that they had an idea that was but they couldn't figure out i had gone in the car so the kid thought he got drunk and misplaced the money oh no so i get down to the kids like man and i tell you what happened and i that fucking girl i partied with her all night nothing fucking happened then i realized i lost three thousand dollars i'm like really he's like yeah man because the rest of the money was in the car it was like another eight thousand in the car i felt pissed i didn't get my hands on that but i was happy with the three g's plus the fucking four or eight for the five grand they had given me jesus christ and we bought our first real big color tv me and terry we had like a little color tv

that you had a fucking had an antenna made a fucking aluminum foil yeah we had a fucking i don't feel that to you on this story you have this whole story of robbing them and they like and then we went to sears i got a nice color tv that's it we didn't want to see as we went up to the fucking war mime by salia one of those places up there i've never heard that story that's a crazy story that's a crazy fucking story dog so what let's say you are at a bar at a comedy club or wherever and they were talking about having a bag of money would you would you now think about stealing it like when did you stop thinking about that stuff i don't know i always like having fun if you're gonna be that fucking stupid yeah i gotta rob you that's my mentality you're gonna

be that fucking stupid and go out with like three thousand in your pocket and pass out or coke rocks in your pockets and pass out i'm gonna rob you even if i love you just to teach you a lesson you know i'm gonna look out for you but you can't you know uh people will take advantage of you out there i'm a good guy i'm the type of guy i'll put you in your car i'm the type of guy i'll put that you sleep there's a lot of people do some fucked up shit to you out there you know and i worry about a lot of people i worry about my friends because i know how easy life is and a lot of people don't see you know some people have cop's eyes you have any expression i have criminalized yeah you told me you said just watch out make sure there's like not three Puerto Ricans kicking

in your door yeah you gotta you know i think of everything because i've done everything i know every stupid fucking move i know every vulnerable fucking move there is i i've made a living off of people's guards being down that's a weird living yeah that's crazy once you make a living off people's guards being down you realize i'm being flat fucking broke on a friday in aspen color let me tell you this story i'm a little c and me and my ex ex-wife were walking and we were like buying dumb shit i had to be 20 something years old mm-hmm it was a friday yeah yeah i just we just left snowmass village we lived across the street from the in-and-out house wasn't i telling you about the in-and-out house last week that i robbed the sandwich place yeah okay and we were

in a supermarket on a friday i never forget we're flat broke we probably had 30 bucks for groceries for the whole weekend okay and we had to get cooked with this and booze and pills you know it's tough when you got 30 bucks and we saw a lady walking by me with her purse with her envelope deposit slip yeah yeah of course the little square envelope yeah and they put cash in it yeah the cash was sticking out and she's looking the other way i had to take it to show her a lesson so but like why why now would you not take it i'd probably tell you like i see shit all the time like last time i found the envelope full of cash and checks outside of church some Lutheran fucking church now and ten years ago i would have said fuck the Lutherans

and i would have clipped the money and i would have dealt with it later i brought it back in i thought about it later what happened it's not about needing money or nothing it's about something i don't know did you did you get a rush from it like it just sounded like you were excited to get high it's pretty funny because listen we talk about this fucking book i'm writing yeah and last night this last week i've been writing about my criminal career and how it started i was never a bad kid it's not what i aspired to do ever at 12 i didn't sit there going i can't wait to be fucking old so i could tell the cops to suck my dick you know that's not what i aspired to be but as a kid we did dumb shit yeah listen when you're a kid that's what it is to be a kid you do

dumb shit we were a little motorcycle trains you know i remember one time a guy left a van with t-shirt designs and an iron uh-huh that used to melt in the old days they were stickers i'd say you like the stones he would give you a tongue and it'd be on a white shirt like this and he would charge you six bucks or something we the guy left a van i'm giving that terrorist where i took you he left the van with the iron boxes of fucking shirts and boxes of those stickers yeah you know and none of those kids were thieves made domic speciale we all had families and we all we'd none of the thieves but if you're gonna be that fucking dumb we're gonna rob you what would you do with an iron and t-shirts but don't leave in the back of a van with the windows open to knowing

because either we're gonna rob you somebody else is gonna fucking rob you and it's a bad way to think we clean that guy out and we took him to some fucking uh a grocery we took him to some uh convention like t-shirt convention in the city we were like in the seventh grade we ended up each like 200 fucking bucks jesus that's what i'm talking about so we weren't bad kids but if you weren't gonna pay attention we're gonna fucking rob you do you ever do that i did that uh a week or two ago i was at a gas station an angle was picking up the girl and i was stupid i left i i did the card said the the machine said you had to go inside and i was stupid i had left my phone in my car and i went inside to pay with the card

and as i was walking out of the door i was like oh shit i left my phone on my car and i i just assumed it was going to be gone luckily it wasn't but do you ever do stuff like that now like like oh i was so nervous and you say to yourself like i deserve it yeah i deserve it my wife got an iphone clip from her really i fucking target they flipped it out here yeah right now why fuck because she wasn't i know my wife she wasn't fucking paying attention you don't got nothing to say to me i don't know what the fuck you're talking you know i i see young girls getting involved with these guys all the time you ever see like these fucking uh fake fucking black dudes they were like a rastafarians and you

see them like you go into the seven eleven or something you'll see two white girls and he's begging them for money yeah like putting them together on some deal you know how you avoid that you don't even look at the motherfucker you don't even stop to talk you just keep walking you just keep fucking walking that's how i was raised just you don't even have to get involved with them because then you're gonna have to say i can't i gotta go to the store i don't have any money i gotta go to the atm dog dog keep walking and they know they know when the person knows and they can't spread their fucking magic on you oh it happens to me all the time and i tell you so don't even talk to them you don't let me know i don't know you do i gotta go i don't know what

the fuck you're talking about i don't know what the fuck you're talking about i'm sorry i don't know what i don't even say i'm sorry i don't know what the fuck you're talking about you don't even let them get to plan a because if you let them get the plan a once you make a commitment you can't get out of it yeah if they'll get a plan b why fuck around don't even go there don't even Stop dog. I gotta go. I don't know what you're talking. Me. No, I blow Me, no, I'll me. No, I don't I blow. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about And you don't know you avoid that whole confrontation of fucking, you know, well, come on man Can't you spare can't you give me a ride? No, I can't you're not getting in my fucking car. I don't know you

I don't know you. I don't know nothing. So before you get into that. I don't know and whatever I gotta go That's great. Let them talk. They'll talk. You don't know them. They're not gonna be your friend on Facebook. Fuck you, man That's great Fuck me, man. Okay, that's great That happened to me like a week ago. Oh, please it happens y'all time. Can you stop and give these people light? I do there's certain people that give light to certain people You cannot give these people life. I feel bad. I have a friend Mike Ricker who I love dealing. Yeah, love dealing But if once he comes over and he gets playing a

And it starts with you got weed. Yeah, come on in bro. What's happening? Then they said, yeah, yeah, I got weed. Yeah, let's roll a joint. Yeah. Hey, man, you got your third. I'm thirsty No shit. Yeah, let me get you some water then when she's gonna get up and you come back Hey, man I'm fucking hungry. Yeah, I got a sandwich Then you got cigarettes you got lighter got an ashtray Hey Can I get a joint to go?

Which way are you going now? You try to get rid of them and you go. Oh, I got an audition Which way you going? I'm going to the valley. Good. Good. Good. Drop me up. I know if you were to fucking not open that door You wouldn't have had that shit. They don't stop. Yeah, once you give them that one a they don't fucking Where's the musically? It's fucking Monday. We're talking shit. What the fuck get it together come sucker. Where's the reefer? No edibles Little something for the people in your life that have gone. Give them some light today light a candle time. You'll love them think about them Sparking

You I'm going to see Tony, but are you really second at the hollywood boat my wife take on a date and shit The next night is Diana Ross the following week is Willie Nelson and friends In friends and you know, I'm gonna Willie Nelson She did she get a Tony better than on the podcast Oh Yeah, baby to see how he does it What's going on Lee, baby talk to me a little dirty cocksucker. Well, I was thinking about it

And the what are you thinking about now cuz I always I always try to before the podcast think of a new way to talk about hulu Plus because I don't want it to seem like it's just something I'm reading And I realized the stupidest thing The the only there's mostly guys who listen to the podcast My my girlfriend likes me the main reason she's dating me is I have air conditioning I have a comfortable couch and she loves hulu plus It's fucking hysterical. The first thing she does is she sits down. I have it in my PlayStation 3 She loves South Park. She loves family guy. We just sit there and

I mean you terry loves it for all the guys out there watching It's even if you don't I mean no matter what you know, you like to watch they have it It's honestly probably in the top 10 of why she's dating me She loves it so and then you can tell her about the code and I don't know she fucking loves it I don't I know terry watches that you watch on mercy. So he's watching having a good time with the hood I think it's almost up. So she's gonna sign up. She said, okay. Yeah, what the fuck, you know I like it. It works out for 795 a month. Yeah, 795 the fucking month and you're sitting there You know scrolling playing games looking for entertainment

Cursing people your TV ain't got no entertainment. There you go. Go to hulu plus dot com Press Joey in the box big letters little letters j o e y and move on with your fucking life Yeah, plus there you have it. Let me tell you what else is going on. I'm really liking this fucking shroom tech sport Really liking it really fucking didn't help you at that like Marcelo Madness help me help me Friday night It's weird. It helps you later on like you thinking fucking tired. No, I'm not I could do this again And I was rolling I was doing a little minute and a half intervals. I was doing a bunch of shit That's why I'm so fucking sore Saturday and Sunday, but I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I'm that's got over there now

Now they got a three pack you could buy a new mood three pack You could buy a shroom tech fucking shrimp pack and they got this new thing the total primal care pack It gives you two packages a day a nighttime package in a morning package. It's one on 995 pressing the code You're gonna discount off of that and it's 30 days to a fucking six pack I would fucking do it, but with me. It's like 300 days to a fucking six that day night pack is easy Because yeah, like me who's an idiot it tells you take this in the day I'm telling you go to on it dot com on it dot com on and IT dot com Do yourself a fucking favorite get that total primal care in fact?

I ordered one I call I hit my man up yesterday and say can I get a total because I want to start taking the whole thing I'm just taking the the shroom tech and the fucking strong bone right now I'm out of alpha brains are gonna get back to the back. I gotta stop snorting those motherfuckers. I'm saying make a little Jeezer juice make a little Jeezer juice make a little geez go geez mo juice What else cocksuck you're looking good. What's going on with the jumping jacks? You doing jumping jacks for your uncle Joe Let's do something. Let me sit. Let me do like three or four for your uncle Joe. You get the blood going you bad motherfuck You're not smoking dope. I'm giving you a breather on the fucking edibles now My girl auntie Dolores sent me a box that I bring it over into our mansion. Look at Lee looking section of motherfuckers four five six

seven eight nine Ten look and I'm brief cocksucker the neighbors that downstairs one more of my pants will have fallen off Tell you one more jumping jack has been all over but the shot Lee sire. Oh my god So you're in love cocksuckers. I don't want to say that. I mean That is it's something I think about those saying it too early Look when you start dating someone you're always worried about set up the popping out But uh when it comes out when they're licking your balls, that's when it comes out when they're licking that nut

You're like, I love you Oh When did uh, when did you get to the point with Terry that you didn't feel like you had to go to bed at the same time? Cuz I always stay up late. Yeah, I do that now get the fuck No, I know you're gonna bed you're gonna bed. We fuck. We look for each other. It was like you gotta get up for work I ain't got a job. So on the way You think me and Terry discuss what time no, no, I know you don't discuss it But like she like the girl was falling asleep behind I work nights for a year

So the fucking bed you come on hang up. That's what I did, but I'm just when you're working on the CD cocksucker That's it'll be watching Hulu and gulu and child with house on the lake You're supposed to watch signs of lambs this weekend. I don't own it and it's not on Netflix, but you know what is on Netflix? fucking uh What is it called the cabin in the woods? It wasn't it was okay. It wasn't we didn't discuss Cabin in the woods If I wanted to watch a mediocre boy would have told you do I own a Best Buy do I I know you I know if it was anything else I know if it was yeah, I'm not exactly thrilled to see me be terrified. What's going on with this girl? I asked you got rid of this little sperm breath. No, she's my friend. Stop with the fucking friend. She ain't gonna suck your dick

She's gone. She's blowing two guys from work. She's got the feather fucking cousin They come here and they sit on the couch and waste your time. They got the Chinese chick She ain't sucking nobody's dick easy might as well get rid of all these people handle it Get them out of the phone. You got a girlfriend. No, you got no time. Yeah, but why can't I have friends? When you need your dick suck she didn't suck your dick so she ain't no fucking friend When you came on you said I love you we're going to bars get you and the Chinese girl to get the chopsticks Let me screw on your fucking eyeballs. She told you know she was in love with the guy from work So not tell her go fuck herself. That's how it happens. You you're a hot commodity your director of the year

You'll you say yeah, you do fuck you're on you're on camera right now in Israeli flag behind you I was you know I'm saying you know who the fuck you're dealing with here, but you have any fucking idea who you're dealing with Apparently, I don't know you don't cuz you're slipping cock. So go on it get yourself some fucking pills Then you'll know how am I still I have I'm having sex all the time now. What's wrong with that? That's right. You're with this girl. So I got a girlfriend now You got no time to be hanging out with these fucking scum ink your breasts coming over here taking your energy putting a kiss at that time That's what I'm saying to you Coming over here so with her brother who could shows up at their fucking brother get the fuck out of here

With this fucking guy who sits an hour and a half to wait for somebody a fucking olive garden Are you wanting your fucking life? You still remember that? Yeah, I still fucking remember that because if I ever see him I'll stab him out of principle for that shit Because you want to meet some fucking buddy yours another fucking idiot with a skateboard in the fucking Container water get the fuck out of here. Oh my god. That's it You got a girlfriend now next time she calls her looker you come over you gonna lick my nuts or not I ain't got time for this shit. I got a I got a freak I'm way too hot every time I smoke some more sure why not what the fuck it's it's Monday

Cucksuckers get your shit together. Look, you know, I'm giving you a pass on the edibles. I'm getting a pass on it Are you excited about Philly? Am I excited about Philly? I'm real fucking excited about Philly If I didn't love you as much as I would I'd bring you to have them stab you to death Philly, why would they stab me because it's Philly. He's a little bit of what San Jose. They were nice in San Jose Yeah, take a hit of this fucking sativa mixed with this devil You know Philly was the only stadium for years that had a courtroom downstairs, you know that right? They would price ball football bolt Oh shit. Well, it was more the Eagle Stadium where they had the fucking

They had the courtroom downstairs because they were torment people. I want to see black Sabbath and Sammy Hagar would shake the street August 6th 1980 81 81 In Philadelphia people were spitting at Sammy Hagar spitting out Phil Duffy They ain't fucking around. Did you ever get arrested there? Fuck that shit about fucking not even ass in Philadelphia. They will fuck you up in the stand. No, they won't yes They will that's a card. You're about the 1% that eat assets

Those three fags hit you up again on Twitter Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want me to show you the Gmail fucking emails We're gonna show you the 200 fucking Gmail emails. I should smack you and fucking kick you in the sleep digestive tract You don't you don't have any idea how clean someone have to be for me to eat their You can still eating this girl's ass. There's no Mexican chicken banging. I know she doesn't want me to No matter what she don't want you to do. You're the captain Kirk the Enterprise That's what makes them stick around if they want to boss somebody around they'll get a little retarded boy They'll smack around eat my ass don't eat my ass. It's what fucking Lisa. Yeah, I have no interest in that though

Flip her over take a look at it. Put your eyeball in there It's not what fucking I do everything else, but why I'm not at all interested in eating like licking someone's asshole She's gonna find somebody who does she already has what are you talking about? We've been dating for a while. She's two weekends and she's gonna sit there one day and go I've been with this guy for six months. He still doesn't sub this tongue in my ass He hasn't pulled my hair. He hasn't called me his little Mexican little dirty whore nothing You're over there talking about computer games and family guy. You know what I'm talking about. You gotta toughen up a little bit Cocksucker you right away. I don't know if you want what what do you think they do?

This is for her this for you and then you're the captain Kirk or the other everyone listening if I came in here and said You'd be like you can't like your girlfriend's ass. That's a girl on the side not the girl you're coming home to That's the one you want to lick her ass. You want to lick that fight you want to put a plate of kazoo You want to do a good fucking big sniff? No, I don't put it on her stomach at least look at it open up I've seen it. You've seen the answer. Yeah, when do you see it? When I'm gone You said you wanted to fuck me early in this podcast So I didn't say I want to fuck you. I said I fuck you like that. I'm you know, I'm a disgust though like red man

but it's When I'm when we're having sex and we go I would I pick up a leg and you look yeah I know I didn't look I didn't pop I didn't go down there for that reason You didn't take a look at it. What's the matter with you? No, I did I looked at it But like I go down on her so I see it, but I'm up on there's a beautiful Everything else. I don't want I like why would I want to look at asshole pick her up on us tell her you flip on her stomach And spread her legs and go in between her little fucking muffler and just smack her ass a couple times and open it up Like stretch it out and look at like like the girl who said you the bob wire

Oh, that's so gross. I want make believe you go to a tattoo on this girl's ass. Oh, look at it stretch it out Check out she got a little hammer right there. You might want to suck a little grape You just suck on it like a salad grape. You know I'm saying mm-hmm. I have no idea what you know the fucking talking about Do you ever suck on a girl's haemorrhoid? I did a long time ago, and I was You gotta just suck on you hope that she works at an office job See that's what that's my fear. What's your fear that I would more juicy. No, I ball Would something like I would start doing this and I would start liking and I would be looking at a girl Like who I look I bet she has an office job

And you could have a girl except to yourself that girl's got a stinky fucking asshole Yeah, and that's why I don't want that's why I don't want to look it But did you ever look at a woman and go her asshole stinks and take her home and the asshole smells better than yours? I don't know yourself. Don't you feel like you judge pretty early? What are you covering your face for? Why are you covering your face? There's no You gotta put her on the stomach and you gotta rub cream on her thighs

What kind of cream whatever, you know oil of Ola I don't give a fuck whatever cream they got You rub some on her feet you have some other calves and then when you get that ass you smear it out I'm a savage and you open up and you make the asshole do magic tricks and circus DCLA You just stretch it out. You look at it. You go. That's mine. You know I'm saying that's my type of asshole Whatever Lee gotta get it together is what I'm fucking saying stop covering your eyes. You're 25 That's it. I'm like 25. You're gonna be 25 this week Saturday. So what are you gonna do? I want to hear this fucking party. What are you gonna do? Well, I was gonna go to a bar, but you made a good point. I don't want to have to drive

So I think I might just stay here with the girl We have a bottle of two bottles of tequila in the fridge already. So I might just stay here. What kind of tequila one it's called Fucking I forget one's a good one's a good one. You know it's called. It's called. I'm gonna have a headache You told me to stay here with the girl. I know but it's you got cheap tequila. No, I got one good one And then what's the good one? I'll go I'll go get it But the other one turns a quiver, which is okay. Do you want to do a shot right now? Do you want it? Sure, let's do it. Let's get this fucking party started shit. That's how we fuck around here. We improvise here What's going on the fucking thing when I leave what the hell get it together here. I'm gonna spark another number here. I don't respect

Monday July 15th, you fucking savages. I did go see the psychotherapist and it was very interesting I went Saturday at 11 o'clock. I told you guys last week that since I had the ear infection Maybe in February. Yeah. Yeah, since Columbus. I I've been getting fucking bad bad Panic attacks especially as I joined you Jiu Jitsu I When I breathe on my back, it feels like I can't breathe and I have to get up and loosen my fucking And loosen my My belt and I have to take off my G top

That's just a horrible feeling, you know, and I know that part of it is the edibles. I'm not that fucking stupid But I've always suffered from this even as a kid I had this This anxiety all the time I always feel like I have to do something There's times when I have to have somebody a question I get anxiety like a stupid question That's why when people ask me stupid questions I don't know how the fuck they do it because when I ask somebody a stupid question I always feel fucking too anxious to ask them the question, you know, I'm saying so I get anxiety

And I've been living like this for all my life. I've been living like this, you know, oh You're gonna take it who the fuck you think I'm being with you. I can't do me. I gotta go to work. I gotta go fucking work, too Fucking delicious. Yeah, it's Espelon. It's good Esperanza tequila tequila Blanco It's tequila Blanco. I knew a skinny guy in the Bronx named Blanco. That's so fucking coke tremendous has a little Leap a little fucking exit this phone with Joey Let's get some music on at seven o'clock with drinking tequila this motherfucker already, you know, I'm saying Making it happen. What do you want to play?

Little Bob Marley set the air man for you Oh Shit get up wash your feet Out of those balls gonna be over 90 no matter where the fuck yeah, even if you're in Swahili I got a fucking guy that emailed me black dude in Africa He said that He's the fucking

What that motherfucker come on people To the killer should I remember taken Can you see John? Everything at least all right, so we're gonna walk All right, oh Shit little shot after the tequila company a little shot out the on it there making the things happen We'll shout out the hulu plus Monday, July 15th

Lucent take the stick out of your ass, baby. It's gonna be a long summer. I Forgot how good that was We think you're doing lately. It's my tequila. What are you talking about? You don't seem like a shotgun though. You don't like to drink that much. No, but I rise to the occasion I Don't sit here and tell you no and cry just a little bit. I don't care. I got no so when I bring an edible I don't want no tears you take that motherfucking you pop it like a soldier. I haven't complained about edibles at all You always don't know I didn't Get no credit

so anyway So some girl sent Ari a Picture of her pussy about a month ago. Okay, and then about two months ago the same woman She's about 57 58 sent me a picture of her asshole. I'll tell you about that on Twitter I woke up one month or a picture of a chicks asshole on Twitter, but what surprised me. I was perfect picture So when I told Ari by the army goes, that's weird Somebody sent me a person perfect picture of the pussy I'll send you a picture of the pussy to see if it's the same asshole

So we made a correlation that the pussy and the asshole belong to the same person Okay, so she would send pictures like dramatically once a month. Maybe the Ari. I think she sent what a fucking dunk in one time so early We decided it's this fucking woman and she's like an old cougar, but she's way older than the cougar She's fucking done. She's out there. She might be a little crazy So every once in a while she sends pictures of her feet The dunk in her pictures of a pussy. All right, the pussy looks like somebody shot it. Oh, no So last week I sent you an email with the picture of the little blade. Oh is that one? Oh my god

Oh my god, and he called back and he's like, why is it brown? It's a white it's a white lady and it's like darker than dark Oh my god, leave fucking die. You were so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed. I kept telling Ari telling Ari I'm not fucking looking at it no more. Don't not send me pictures of that ladies fucking pussy It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen all my life. I don't know how fucking people go around with a pussy that fucking ugly I mean my ball sack is no fucking. You know We've all seen it. Yeah, there's probably no fucking academy award winner a beauty show winner, but damn lady But when leak when I called Lee and he's like, why is it brown? I fucking lost. I even told my wife

Anyway, I was telling these guys What before we start that was something I did you took the quailude? Yeah, but I think the quailude's a dud I think those are duds quail. I think they're just for uh, I think they're just for like show Okay, because I had a half night the other half and nothing the edibles I mean I got fucked up, you know on general purposes. You know after you smoke 11 fucking joints and do an anti But I'm gonna slow down the edibles a little bit. You know, I was telling them that I went to The psychotherapist between you and me. I think she hypnotized me

What do you mean? I really think she because the time fucking flew Like one minute. It was one minute. It was 10 to 11 and the next minute it was 11 12 15 It was time to go and was it the kind where like you're talking about stuff or was she talking to you or like Like I've never been so like how did it work? Well, I went in there and we discussed what was going on, you know When I'm getting these feelings. How long have I had them? I've always had the ability to pass out

For me always needles blood You know, I was thinking about a pass out. I had one summer that it was just I was so fucking stoned And I went to get water or soda. Yeah, you know when you were the pool and a little shack And I was waiting online and it was you know, like the beams that you have to stand and go around And I was like in the third row and it was a hundred fucking degrees and next thing, you know, I'm waking up And people throw water in my face and I bang my fucking head And I've always had the ability to pad them another time I had to go for a blood test for tonsils And they put me in one of those little school chairs and drew blood out. I fucking lost it

I lost it, you know, and I always get like the Like last summer I had to get those needles in my ass. I got one needle in my ass When they thought I was sick from the penicillin and I fucking lost it Like I just lose it. Sometimes it's just So I knew and I know exactly when I'm going to lose it Like I bent over To to to put shoes in the closet and there was a rack when I banged my fucking head

And I looked at my hand that was blood and I found my wife and I go honey If you call him next hour and I'm not around I'm passed the fuck out And I went in the room and I passed out I passed out during the bj pen fight joe whatever fight joe daddy stevens And when he split his fucking skull on television, I passed out on my couch, Lee You know, so I haven't I have a thing to do this. That's fine And every once in a while i'm on a plane And whenever you lend them burb bank about an hour out of burb bank There's always very bad turbulence. Yeah, you know, you get that you ever like by vegas. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, right by vegas even like 10 minutes before vegas. It's fucking horrible It's horrible. I don't know what is like a vacuum there if the plane goes up and down How many times i've gotten sick there where I have to sit down and pray that i'm not gonna pass out or puke It's that bad it's that bad so Then february I went to Columbus and again, I got sick from smoking a lot of pot And when I fly when i'm sick you get fluid in your ears So when I started going to kickboxing I had been going to kickboxing a few months But i'm not gonna sit at home because I got knee infection. So I went to kickboxing the place is huge

So I couldn't hear like the focused my hearing was very confused. Okay. It was very magnetized very magnified So it makes you get dizzy. Mm-hmm. So that's when I started getting those panic attacks When i'm thinking to myself Fuck i'm gonna pass out and and you know these people have to pick me up and You know, I'll never be able to come here again because I'll be so close to your head in that moment everything. Fuck so you know, I The last I like doing jujitsu

Listen to me. I like working out. I like that. I would tell myself That I want to have to myself means the world to me since I was a kid. I like shooting hoops. I like the sun I like sweating. You know, I like all those things. I didn't think I liked men sweating on me I don't want to feel like fucking Liberace with guys sweating on me and all this shit But I enjoy it, you know, and I'm trying to get healthy And you know, I can't bust this fucking weight. You know, I'm stuck at 309. I can't bust it But at least I'm not getting heavier. You know what I mean? I like it. I don't want to fucking go and what one of the things I like is

It's gonna make me pass out now That's the last fucking thing I need from the minute I walk into jujitsu. That's all I'm thinking about Is today the day I'm gonna fucking pass out. So I wanted to see this lady. I paid the money And I wouldn't I talked to when we spoke a little bit. I should talk about some skills. I needed to get You know Basically some visualization skills Mm-hmm, and you know, I never visualized like that Like I've never really visualized because it scares me too much

What if you want you to visualize like not passing out like not passing out and not having these thoughts She makes me walk around with a garbage can a mental garbage can You know, Lee when I was a kid I saw I lost a lot of things very quickly So I know the the gift Of appreciating life a lot of people would never have that gift. Yeah, you know when I was in the eighth grade I was playing basketball with a kid played basketball the way we do every day And I 10 to 6 his mother came on the balcony said come across the street. I'm eating And he looked at me because you want to come over and eat and I go no

I'm gonna go home, but I'll see you later on. I went home and I ate at home and went away to another I watched the honeymoon is the odd couple or whatever the fuck I was doing. I fell asleep The next one I went to school And as I walked in one of the teachers pulled me over and said dog your buddy's in a coma I'm like, how could that happen? I just saw him last night I was room till six o'clock. Yeah So in that 12 hours he was in the car acts in the coma I understand the the quickness of how life changes

You know another day. I was in my block. I'm living with the benders And every Saturday and sunday these kids from my neighborhood went to swimming They went swimming either at lake of packon or the They would go to all these jersey holes watering holes or the hack and sack river And every Saturday they break in and my buddies went on sunday. We're like, we're going swimming. You're coming. I'm like, no I'll see you guys late in the next day. They're like your buddy drowned So I understand that sometimes when you see that person and you take for granted you say goodbye to them That could be the last fucking time

You say goodbye to them, you know, I think about my mother how one afternoon when I was talking to We were living great. Who the fuck thinks their mother's gonna die when they're in high school you No, and not and you found her too. It's not just that she died So when you have that instilled in your psyche You understand that when you see that person I worry about my friends. I really do I worry about the people I call family I really do Because I know how hard you know, I have a friend Dan rago. I think about him once a week

And I know I didn't know then But I know that when I love towards him has always made me Doubt life like think about a fuck, you know Uh My life has been different since this friend of mine left You know, we don't think of people like that sometimes because sometimes you you miss people I miss him. I miss him. I think about my life If he'd be around here, how many comedians would be dead?

If he was still alive, how many comedians would have been thrown off a balcony? If he was still alive, how many county managers would have been thrown off balconies? Seriously I know him. I knew him. I know him that well. That's why I talked to his cousin joy felato That you don't understand what life is. Do you have people who have you back? Then you understand why you understand how people don't have you back When you have friends like that you realize the common dude ain't got my fucking back I'm on my own. I was very fortunate to have that but this all goes back to I understand the quickness of life And how quickness the people you love could this a fucking peer

So I worry about people so I have that worry in me You know, I always worry like I hate people driving me to the fucking airport Why because I would hate to fucking I would hate to land and for somebody to say Your friend got into a car accident while he was driving you to the airport Did you hear my spiel that night at little joes original joes when we're talking about how long they saying goodbye to people? Yeah, people always get mad at me for disappearing. I don't want to say goodbye to nobody I don't believe in saying goodbye to nobody ever at all at all. There's no goodbyes in my fucking life

You know what? I'll see you tomorrow I hate saying goodbye to people hate hugging people because then if you do get into a car accident That is only that one asshole that says I hugged them. Why would you tell somebody? I hear the fucking kiss of death you fucking mo mo I saw him last night. I was the last guy with him. I don't want to hear that shit So I never say goodbye. I just diss a fucking peer. I'm not superstitious There's no such thing as fucking goodbye in my life. There hasn't been my whole fucking life Yeah, ever since my friends died like that. There's been no goodbye. See you later, bro

See you later. I gotta go to the bathroom Anything but fucking goodbye disappears you off when someone says goodbye all the fucking time That's why when I look at you and I go, we gotta go. Yeah, that means we gotta go That doesn't mean hold on. I gotta go inside That means we're leaving they'll call you in 20 minutes and ask you where you are And tell them you had a shit so you got in your car and went home But wouldn't you rather have like a good memory of like hugging them and saying goodbye? No, no, I have better memories of them at a bar. I don't want to say goodbye to nobody ever

Do I ever want to say goodbye to nobody at night or see you later? See you later, bro See you later. Let me go to the bathroom. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna pew That's funny. So I went I talked to her I got a call that Wednesday. We talked about a few things, you know, like when I Go to give blood or Or go to jujitsu or go to kickboxing or go to the Y

You know, it really weird. I only get uh, a little fucked up on the epileptical about the 10-minute mark Where I start talking to myself. I should get off this. I'm gonna choke. I'm gonna die You know, she made me Put in my mind that if I did pass out so what I'm not dying. No, I'm not dying. So what you pass out. Don't worry about working out going there and give it You're fucking all you know, and do you think like That like maybe like the first couple times you were having a panic attack But now you just keep thinking about it too much and that's giving you the panic attack. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's my mind playing tricks on me

I'm so fucking literally, you know, I I am such a fucking mental weakling You know, I am such a I am so and I and that's what I explained to her. Look at Lee. I'm fearful of everything You know, every time I go on stage Look at that fucking stage. I remember me. You went to the lab factory. Yeah And I remember walking and looking at the chinese girl who brought me up and said she was at a date remember And I'm looking at the stage going. Why do I need this? Why do I do this to myself? I always get scared. So every time I do that every time I go to the doctor's

Bidici's office and he shoots me in the ass and I walk out of there. I'm taking fear and I'm shoving under a carpet I'm not really working it out. You know what that catches up with you. It's like anything else in life So every time I take fear and just sweep it under the carpet Like oh, this is gonna be fine. I'll be fine. I'm just gonna walk in there and be just because my mother wouldn't allow me to have fear So I always hear my mother's voice going. Hey, you fucking moron get the fuck up Get your jacket on and cut the shit go do what the fuck you got to go do because that's the truth That's how your inner voice has to talk to you. Yeah, if your inner voice pampers you you're gonna be a pampered fucking soul You know, I was a pampered soul till my mother died

And then I had to raise myself and I became that voice is not a nice voice That's why that voice when I when I get on people It's not a nice voice because the voice that controls me in my head is not a nice voice. Yeah, he doesn't say oh You're not feeling well today. Well lay in bed things are gonna work out Don't worry. There's a second opportunity. No, there isn't get the fuck up. This is what needs to be done I know what you want to do remember. There's things that we all want to do We all want to go to the beach and party and be cool That's great

But somebody needs to pay the fucking rent Somebody needs to work to go to the supermarket. Somebody needs to go to fucking school Somebody needs to send these fucking emails somebody needs to do something And that's the voice I hear in my head. Yeah, it's great to have a it's great to watch hulu Netflix and sit there and eat popcorn with fucking mom is on cheese on it But you got to work get out get out then you got to take care of business So business could take care of you on the back end. So I'm gonna practice what she told me this island of serenity Is that what you could that's what she calls it? Like you just kind of relax

That's where I need to go. This island has everything I need on it. I'm by myself Did she tell you to relax during the day because look you just talk about like how you like you're always running like Maybe you should take like 20 minutes and like Chill out It's not that I need to relax. It's that my mind needs to relax. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point It's that I need to slow down in my mind There's not always something to do but there is Because if you don't think that way, you're gonna fucking piss your life away

Then you're gonna be an old fuck like me 50 trying to fucking Get it together before you die so your kid could have some fucking douche You're following me. It's great to have a fucking good time. But you also got to have that voice that says it's over It's sunday night. Ha ha ha six o'clock. I got to get home. I am my clothes I got to take a shower wash my pussy and get ready for the fucking week. You want to sit here and drink? That's great. You want to talk about 1980 when you scored the touchdown against emerson and we party That's great. But we got to get to getting you know what I'm saying? Absolutely, we got to get to the fucking get

First off league, there was no ashes on it. You just did it. I know but there was no ashes on it You think I would be that fucking oh, I'm so nervous I'm so nervous get together Get together cocksuck a little Zimmerman Little Zimmerman like serious get together right before before we go. I wanted to ask you this because no one's really talked about it Whether whatever you think about the verdict, which is it doesn't matter What do you think what is his life gonna be? Now that everyone thinks he should have been guilty now

He's gonna be out like I was thinking about his life is his life is still over like it's gonna be terrible Like do you think about that at all? You know what's funny? First of all, I can't stand lap spin That fucking idiot that fucking has a twitter account That has like a podcast and he kisses all these fucking Straight up comics ass and everybody could kiss their ass. Yes. They had like comic sound off, you know All these comedians made their fucking remarks, but do they really fucking mean it? They really fucking you know, I yeah, all those people are so angry, you know, how angry were you? How angry really were you, you know?

If you noticed I didn't say nothing about the fucking verdict whatever because The more light you give it, you know, I'm saying the more well, I'm angered, you know Florida who gives a fuck you still got to get up and go to work the next day Yeah, next time plan. I had God forbid it was you or your child. I feel fucking horrible about the Trayvon Martin family Something went wrong that night. He was judging something went wrong. I don't know. I wasn't there with you So all these motherfuckers that got an opinion and want to say something so the masses You know, it felt wrong the justice system. He gives a fuck cut it out. Get off your fucking ios You know exactly what fucking happened there. We all know exactly what happened there

And if you're fucking surprised by the verdict shame, I knew you dumb motherfucker I got a bridge to fucking sell you this is life and this is america And sometimes choices are made that you know, but it is what it is So if you're gonna lose sleep over to jump up and down, I feel bad for the trevor martin people For their family I feel bad that there should have been some more justice in this that should have been taken care of from the beginning There was a lot of loose ends from the beginning when you have loose ends from the beginning You can't prosecute all the way and you know when jujitsu is in a position before submission

These motherfuckers are going to submission with all other shit nothing really So Yes, I feel bad a life was taken a son was lost A mother is heartbroken a father is heartbroken a brother and a sister are heartbroken But at the end of the day To say something that you don't really know what the fuck's about to say something fake from the fake party So people could Twitter you back. Oh my god. You're so socially go fucking mother Stop being such a fucking fake

You know, if you like black people that much go down to your millionaire go down to fucking harlem and you got 20s But down a cringe show nobody does that. Yeah, of course There they were thinking about it when they wrote the tweet. I sometimes feel guilty Because like a case like that will be happening and then I go about and do something else for the rest of the day Like someone someone died like I should like shouldn't you feel worse? Like sometimes I think about that, but you know, it's amazing You know, man, I have empathy like everybody else, but ever since twitter and facebook and And all these fucking things you got to get these people to post their opinion a they don't really know about it completely like myself

Yeah, I don't really know about it completely because I have a life I'm trying to take care of the things and b They're trying to get it so they could sell a fucking ticket or whatever it is that they fucking try to do get people's Who gives a fuck? Absolutely go down there. Let me see you go down to fucking Florida How much did you give to trevon martin family? How much did you send down there? You know, man? Yeah What about your fucking phony fucks? Fucking phony motherfuckers

All these motherfuckers trying to be swarming shit They want to put a pair of glasses on so all of a sudden they know more than the other I get the fuck out of here though. I hate those fucking glasses. I'm about to snap on somebody who walks up to me those fucking things But what are you gonna do? That's why I stay in the goddamn house. Listen This fucking thursday friday and saturday in philadelphia helium. Don't fuck around these tickets are gonna sell out. It's philadelphia Philadelphia don't fuck around. They've never fucked around. You understand me back from julia serving back since the day of roman gaber I'm taking your fucking back. You know what weight watches can suck my dick. I'm eating chinese I'm eating fucking cheese steaks. Oh, yes steaks

Plural and I'm getting down. I'm gonna have a good time at philly So if you want to fucking get down you want to smoke some weed My family's coming to the second show on friday night If you want to come in there and ask some questions and get some real fucking answers come on down The 20 of them are coming from northern new jersey to runnies mike runny danie b wins Oh, he's going to philly godfather. We ain't fucking around down there pictures videos the whole thing So you want to be a part of it? Come on down to helium the following week the 26 and 27

Myself and dama rara at the ice house comedy club four shows friday and saturday by boom by boom It seats 180 people We know what that means get your tickets to fucking day and then that following wednesday It's me and my main man lisa yat doing a live podcast on the ice house with a very special surprise fucking guests Don't fuck around on this one ten dollar tickets. Who you kidding? And that's it. That's how it fucking breaks down Let me give some shout outs as usual my main man Ali baz my main man nalumi modis from fucking africa my main man korey jones My main man eric thomas my main man south jersey reek and ron wane binder carol hamill from grand rapids you sexy bitch

Buck russell and wolf hashtag Darren hamill that's his fucking name anyway. I love you cocksucker So that's what i'm talking about very sad what happened this last weekend this kid from glee died I don't know what happened there. Yeah, you know listen man people gonna come and go in your life I just hope that you uh Hand look correct. I'm happy you fucking came in to look at you. You're even love You're a sharp man. What's going on with the juice of your dump? That's it never again No more beats. That's just disgusting beats. I can't do beat the fuck

But you're with juice, but you won't sniff a girl's little monkey No, I like the monkey. I don't like the koo. What do you call it the kulo the What's the asshole el kulo? Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like the muffler. I like the monkey's great Yeah, we'll get it together cocksucker. I love you people as usual. It's a beautiful day to be alive Don't sit there and waste your fucking time go out there stab a motherfucker Not in the back in the neck. Look him in the eyes and go out there and say i'm the captain character He's fucking enterprise. Let's do this. Let's get the fuck out of here. See you and filly bitches

Oh, shit now that the show's over Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus Like I said, the girls love it. Just do it for them if you don't want to do it for yourself Start watching your favorite head shows right now Go to our homepage at joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner for your free trial or go to hulu plus.com Slash joey again the banner at joeyds.net or hulu plus.com slash joey Oh, shit little funny all-stars live from africa with joeyds, santana. Take that Hey

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