Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/17/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #98

Episode Date: July 18, 2013

Comedian Agostino "D'agostino" Zoida comes into the studio for the entire podcast. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for a 2 week free trial. Recorded live on 07/17/2013

This episode is brought to you by Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows wherever you want, whenever you want. Binge on full seasons and watch your favorite current shows like Community, South Park, SNL, and more. Right now, our listeners get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus by going to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's fucking Wednesday, Cocksuckers. I didn't do one this morning. It's the afternoon. We're putting it together for you. Oh, shit. If you don't have a joint hand or a bong or a fucking bazooka or a knife, you're slipping. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Put that up loud. Lee, how can we not wiggle? Cocksuckers Wednesday. Shaking, baby. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What's up? The flying Jews in the fucking house. If you're not up doing fucking sidekicks for Jesus, you're slipping, motherfuckers. It's 150 degrees out there. Stay in the house, put the hair on mind, your fucking business. Why go out there and melt with the rest of the white people. Walk them. Hit it. Welcome to the church. So what's happening now, motherfuckers? What's happening, Lisa? Yeah. Not much, dude. You were telling me when you came in, you're happy because you didn't go to Hollywood. I'm never sending you to Hollywood again. I'm happy if I don't have to get on the fucking 101, the 405, the 210, or the 134. All right. That brings me fucking joy and happiness when I could spend the whole day close to the Budwa.

Not in the house, but close to the Budwa. I'm at different locations. I'm at the fucking coffee shop. I'm working out. I'm at the Y. I'm at the weed store, but I'm in my fucking neighborhood. That's what makes my dick hard. You're on fire right now. I'm on fire. You're kidding. My main man's in the house today. Diagostino and shit. What's up, guys? Tell me your real name. Agustino Zoida. Agustino Zoida. Oh, shit. Let's cut in half, Diagostino. You're the best part is when I did the Sacramento with him. I'm looking at all the flyers. They all say Diagostino. Do you go by Diagostino on stage? No, I don't. Okay. That's just what he called me. It's over. That's how it is. It's over. It's over. It's over. That's how it is. That's the people. Yeah,

people always ask me, like, where'd the flying Jew come from? I have no idea where it came from. It don't matter. It's here. It's all that magic. You ready for a fucking Chibo? You got a job interview in two hours. If I had a job interview in two hours, I'd eat two Chibos out of respect. Fuck it. I'd call him up. Listen, I can't make it inside. Why are you outside? What's going on, guys? Everything good. I'm happy you're here today. I have the reason why I have Diagostino in. He's going to try to help me or help me fucking write the next special. At least, you know, I'm trying to do something good for you people. So I'm going to look at it from a different angle, put a different head in there and a different set of eyeballs.

And I worked with Diagostino a couple of times and he really impressed me. You know, you've been in the comedy game only four years, but you're very knowledgeable because you also run one. You run like a comedy club part-time. So it's really good. You've gotten to see from the other angle. You've gotten to see a lot of bad fucking comedy and a lot of good comedy, a lot of in between comedy. And it's like I always say that I guarantee Joe Rogan must be a great jujitsu guy because he's taken such an education from watching to jujitsu that they teach you being practiced now. So now he knows what works and what doesn't work. You follow me because you're watching it from a different angle. So it's not just doing comedy now. You have to watch

comedy and let people know they suck and they can't come back. And that's the worst and watch people's reaction. But at the same time, what really happened was about this is straight up, people about four years ago, I didn't know what I was going to do. I just knew that I was doing okay for movies and residuals and shit like that. I was getting little local gigs. I didn't really know what to do and I was lost. And my wife, I was talking about moving to the valley. We were going to move. We had to move out of Hollywood. I didn't want to move out of Hollywood. Me, I wanted to stay in the city with the nitty gritty. And I was on the road and she called me and she goes, I looked at like 20 places, but Joey, I found the spot. And she told me where it was,

in Studio City, whatever. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And we went up there and I said, look, here's the deal. I'm going to move with you because this is what you want. When you're a husband, you're there to make your wife happy. I'll give her the year. And if it doesn't work, we're moving back to Hollywood. And the third day I knew I was fucking home. Like I knew I was home. Once I didn't hear cars anymore and yelling and screaming and I could feel that I was sleeping better. My blood pressure wasn't as high from driving in those fucking streets. I knew that the valley, and then I started experimenting and walking around and there's a couple of comedy clubs in the valley and they're not bad. And in the process of all this, I was thinking

about not quitting comedy. But I was talking to my kung fu teacher at the time, the Kanja Kempo guy and I was training with the personal training. And he was the guy I had on the Duncan podcast about the Santeria guy. And we were talking one day and he goes, you know, when you're an older comic, you have to start helping the young guys. I never looked at it that way. When I did comedy and an old fucking comic came and said something to me, I want to spit this fucking thing. Really? Yeah. There was a couple of them that came with good intentions. But the majority that came up to me always had bad fucking stories. Oh, they're just being douchebags. They weren't trying to do that.

So I always felt creepy going up to a comic and going, do me a favor. Stop saying that fucking joke. I've been around you for three fucking weeks and don't work. Stop saying it. But you can't say that. It's like when somebody comes up to you and says, Hey, that dude's on coke or whatever. As a friend, you want to go up to him and go, Hey, stop with the blow. You're a funny fucking guy. But then I think back to when I was doing blow. If you came up to me and said, stop with the blow, I'd probably grab your fucking shirt and rip it off and tell you to get the fuck out of the room. So that's how I treated people. And that's wrong. You have to act like a leader sometimes and take some young guys and go, Listen, bro, do this, do this, you're funny. You know, it helps them.

Well, you've been doing it for like 15, 20 years now. And I don't care. I love fucking taking, I love, I would love to get a science project and get a guy and just show them different energies, how to come up, you know, but it's very hard to tell somebody something because we all want to do it our own way. That's what makes us special. It's not because we're stupid or, you know, when you're Italian, they say you're testadura or whatever. You're from the northern Italy, your heart is, no, we all want to do something our way. I bet when you told your mother you wanted to come to California, what did you say to your league? Yeah, stay in Boston. You know, you get a career there. You could start to pay. And then they look at it like

they look at small things like you'll make $8.52 an hour and you'll get benefits after 90 days. And you're like, Ma, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I want to go to the beach. And like, for me, at least, I don't know about you, but like with the weight loss thing too, I like people would say it and not all like, even if they weren't mean, it used to piss me off. Like, because I've like, from day like, I've never been skinned out from day one, I've been big. And now it feels weird, like people asking me about the juicing or whatever. And I'm like, I don't want to, I would never go up to somebody because I used to like really not hurt me, but I would feel bad when someone would say it. And like now, now that I'm in the middle of trying to lose the weight,

like it's different. Like you have like, if people ask you questions, you can answer it. And it must be like kind of the same way with you with comedy. Like you, you didn't like the older guys coming up and making it seem like they knew better than you. But after you go through it, well, you know, I got to meet all different kinds of young guys. And I really get a kick out of them. I get a kick out of looking at guys that are fucking crazy. Like, make me laugh. Like what? Like butch in ten or ten. Butch, like butch, you know, like people like that. I love watching guys develop. I really watch it. And I go up to them and I grab them and I say, but everybody has their own idea. Like, like I tell you, I like to choke every once in a while.

There's Jerry Rocha, because he's such a funny guy. He's such a fucking passive hippie type motherfucker. Take that joke, put it in the front and choke them with it. Go after them with it. You know what I'm saying? There's jokes that you have to go after people with them. If you go after it with them, they like it. It's a weird perspective. People are like, what do you mean go after with it? Put the joke up there. Grab them with that fucking joke in a bag, you know. And people like it when you attack them like that video we put up of you young at that Jew and flappers. People love it. No, but I was yelling that. She's the one that was yelling that she was drunk and stuff like that. But the thing is, Di Agostino is one of those guys that

we became friends through the club and I really love him. When he's not at the club, I won't go up there. If he's not there, I won't go up there. He's the only reason why I go out of this club. Even if it's a talk to him, we got a thing of juju beats, we have our own little ritual. Three years now. I go to get juju beats, I come over, I give him a box, we eat a box, he asks me if I want a fucking Mexican quesadilla. Which is delicious. Late night about 11.30, those quesadillas coming strong. They coming heavy. Dude, you go home past the fuck out. From the guy or from the club? Oh, I know. I'm green there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got good quesadillas and then you put me up to close up. You know, because of the jaja, Di Agostino was because I got to do Gabriel's

name. Right. Because I prepared for that. It's really weird what you could do with different comedy clubs. Like a lot of people in this town take a small comedy club and they don't want to perform there. Like, I got to get into the comedy store. Why? That's set at the coffee shop. It's going to do you more good than they set at the fucking comedy store. But it's really tough to say that to people. It's very tough to vent to somebody, you know. And I had tons of people who mentored me. But I had tons of people who insulted the fuck out of me at the same time. They thought they were cute. Well, they were going to come in, you know, and in different parties, even when I was a criminal. You know, the other day I had the girl over from my agency. She answers the phones

and she sets your plane tickets and this girl was like one stop shopping. Like, I can call her up and go, yeah, I don't know what hotel to stay in Miami. She goes, where are you? Home, next thing you know, you got 10 hotels, what she thinks, what she got off Yelp, you know, and I talked to her, she's 19 years old. Oh, wow. You know, it has to be 19 in the comedy business. You know where I would be when I was 28? I know. If I started as a, you know, if if I started as a in somebody's office at 19, by the time you're 25, you could be a top match manager in this town. Yeah. Taking somebody just calling them. Hey, do you have to steal them? Remember me? Yeah. Listen, I want to bring this town over. Boom. CAA, boom. That's how fast it

happens. But you got to commit to it. Like that's what we were talking about earlier. I'm 50. You guys are about to become 25 years old. The boat in the next 10 days. Yeah. And then like, I went, I'm, I edit TV shows and stuff. I went to college court and spent way too much money. And you started out basically the same time that I went to college, you started doing comedy. Right. And you have no debt now. And the, it's good that I have a degree because people like, I never get asked about it, but I don't know if I ever wanted to sell insurance or interviews. Do they ever bring it? Never not once. Come on. Not once. And you went to fucking heavy duty school. You got proper training. Come on. The only thing they say is, Oh, you went there. That's nice. What shows have

you worked on? That's all they ask. And I like, my dad even says he wishes like maybe we had taken out 50 grand in loans or whatever. And I moved out here at 18 and started being a PA or something. And I would have been, I would have been four years ahead of what I am now. You think about it. You fucking think about it because listen, it's every day going. You look, you can read all about your fucking book. You can read all the Jackie Gleason biographies, all you want, but nothing beats hands on. I see a ton of people come out of here. I had a friend who was a comedian. Then two years later, he was a photographer. Then two years later, he was a producer. And I would watch him and go, you think as you get one job, I'd rather go to Adam Sandler's company and go,

look, I'm going to get coffee. I don't care how old you are when you're 30 because this shit moves so quick. Just get in there and learn. And if you got a half fucking heart of a brain, like if you know how to go to work every day, listen, I'm not saying to be anti-social. You go out, you have some beers, but you know how to keep it together. And you always got your eye on that fucking focus that someday I could direct or someday I know a guy that started with Adam Sandler's company holding fucking wires. And today he's in charge of all the behind the scenes and all his fucking DVDs. So there's a movie and then there's a whole thing of behind the scene. That's all him. He puts that whole fucking thing together. He's 32 years old. I know he makes six fucking

figures. I know they take them with him to all the movie shoots and Adam only shoots in fucking Hawaii. But he does. He only shoots in fucking. Do you know that they shoot movies sometimes in Hawaii and they CGI the palm trees now? Did you fucking know that that was the main thing when we shot the longest yard? That they were going to shoot in Hawaii. The first place was Hawaii. That was his first choice. He had just done the movie. That's hysterical. When he goes to Hawaii and he loses his, the chick loses her memory. That's a great fucking movie. That's a great fucking movie. Doesn't she run over the Filipino guy one time? That's one of the funniest fucking scenes out. He's got the glass eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he loved it so much that he said,

let's shoot the longest yard. At the first meeting, he looked me straight in the face. He goes, bring him, we're going to Hawaii. And I go, how are you going to shoot a fucking prison in Hawaii? He goes, we're going to CGI the fucking palm trees out. So that's how they were going to roll. And then the second thing was like the Midwest somewhere, like they wanted to shoot somewhere flat, but it was too late. The prison wouldn't let them do it. So New Mexico raised their hand. So we shot in New Mexico. That's amazing that he could have spent six weeks in Hawaii. You wouldn't have been here right now. But think about that, people, if you commit to something, you don't need things happening in this bit. How many jobs open up right before your eyes? How

many times have you gone to work somewhere and they have a manager and you go back six months late, a complete different office. Yeah, absolutely. In this fucking town, because nobody's coming into that. If you stay, if you stay and shut your mouth and take notes and pay attention, who's drinking Friday night? Yeah, I worked all eight, you're fucking dummy. And you have to have a thick skin. I'm helping out for this week at an office I used to work at. And even with you, there was a guy at that office who we're really good friends now, but like sometimes the way people teach is not with anger, but it's like tougher. Like sometimes you yell, like you get angry with me for like with a documentary, a couple of things. And it's not like, it's not

because you're like super mad, but it's the way someone teaches. And it's for me, it's I thrive under it. Like I like it. Like it's better than, Oh, you're doing okay. Like this guy yesterday yelled at me because I wasn't listening to something he wanted to teach me. But it's like, it's the way some people learn. And I learned speaking of a waste of a college, I spent a year and a half at the first place I worked. And I started out building furniture and shit. And I learned 80% of what I know from that furniture. What was this? At the first office I was at, I was an assistant editor, but she would come in and I'd be working and she'd be like, you, you got to go build these desks. I was essentially a PA. And then one night,

because she was this, this one lady was, was really crazy. She came in when I was, because I would sit with that guy who would teach me and I was sitting with him and he can't, and she came in and she had me leave because I had to close all the blinds and all the offices. And it's just the shit. Like the first jobs you go through and shit like that. Like, I mean, you work at a comedy club, you must have started out and they must have been like, you must have been like trying to like watch the act and like, Hey, you got to go organize the menus or something. Oh, I mean, it's always a fucking curveball all the time. They're not at yet. You know, just cause someone, and it's always the people in the shittiest jobs that tend to have

a high horse about it. Like the, like the movie theater, I worked at a movie theater for three years and they come in and you have to wear black shoes and have nice pants on. I'm like, we're serving popcorn. Yeah. And you're making, you're making $12 an hour. I'm making eight. Like, like, let's relax. Like it's people who have a little bit of power. They take it way too far. It was probably less than $8 an hour back then, right? Yeah. You know, I got to be honest with you guys. Comedy was the only thing I ever stuck with that in school. Like me quitting high school, the beginning of my senior year stayed with me a long time guys. That was a really bad time in my life. And staying back too. And I was sharp. And I was a sharp kid. It wasn't that I was retarded or

I was on drugs or on recovery on heroin or in jail. I quit because I got a job my junior summer. There's a lot of times in high school, a lot of kids, especially Italian kids, their family-owned brickmakers and companies or construction companies, they had their future set. And that's not just a job. I mean, everyone who listens probably knows, but I mean, you were on your own. You were, I was on my own. You were 17 and you had to pay your own bills. I was broke for a while and I was trying to put the pieces together. This family let me live with them and they were very nice. And finally I had this job and it was junior and I could work nights, seven to fucking four. Yeah. And I made, you know, 500 a week. Come on guys. So I quit this fucking high school

shit. And then in November I got hurt. Like October I got hurt. And I went to my friend's house, his father's a football coach. And he goes, why don't you go back to school? I'll do the paperwork for you. And it was like nothing. You know, it was like everything was smooth. And then they let me graduate because I was too credit short. They wanted me to go to high school. So I said, fuck you guys. I ain't going to fucking summer school. I'm done. Yeah. And I went and got my GED Colorado right before fucking the university. All those, I didn't know you're going to GED. I got to make it official. Yeah. Oh shit. Talk, you got to do what you got to do sometimes. And what difference did it make? Yeah. What difference did it fucking make that time when I needed that

money? That was that was 12 weeks. I put together like, I don't know, I was making like a thousand a week. I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. It was a union job that was, I had put together like $3,000 savings. When they fired me, I got unemployment. They fired me because I got sick on the job one night. I puked and went home. I lived right down the corner from the place. And I couldn't get back in. So they said I walked off the job. And about a month later, I went to get my last check. And the fucking, the union guy saw me, the, the shop steward, he goes, where you been? And they fired me. He goes, nobody ever fucking told me what happened. I told him this thing was that can't fire you for that. He took me, we went into something

like three weeks later, he called me and went to see some meeting and he got me paid for that whole fucking time. That fucking put me ahead. That was the first time since my mother died that I had really taken a chunk out of that and I could get some clothes and you know, so it all worked out. I got put on employment. Then they laid me off and I collected fucking unemployment because in those days you worked the winter and in January, they lay you off and you stay off till April. And then they call you in April and you'd work two weeks and it was great. It was fucking great. So I took the chance and what difference did it make? I'm just very surprised that Lee, you're not the first person who's told me that their college degree is a waste and they've

gone for heavy duty fucking subjects and it's a waste. They've got a job and something else. But I thought, listen college, all college was when I was growing up was to let a future employer know that you can make a commitment to something. That's all it is now. Is that what it is now? Well, I mean for some degrees, like I was saying, my girlfriend is going to law school and it's going to cost her 150 grand over three years. So it's crazy. Stuff like that, stuff like science or math related stuff, you probably need. I'm never asked about it. Like writing anything in entertainment, probably anyone who goes and gets an English degree or a history degree and then they end up selling insurance, they could have just went and sold insurance. I had a

I had a I had a friend and who lived the town over for me. She went to Bentley University in Waltham, which is like a nice rich person in school. She got like a international business degree a week after she graduated from that. She got her her real estate license and she's been selling real estate. You could have just went and got your real estate license and not went to four years and had your parent like like I pay my student loans and my parents help out with a portion of it. But these kids have their parents pay for everything and then right after graduation, you go and get your real estate license like you don't need your college degree for that. Listen, I was I was 17 when I met my wife, right? Oh, shit. And I don't

come my parents aren't wealthy people. You know what I mean? So I had and she's older than me. So she was 21. You know, she had a car. She had a license. She had a job. She was driving her out big pants. So you had to take notes. I always dated older women too. That's funny. Yeah. So imagine like imagine like this young kid. I felt a lot of pressure. So I just like as soon as I turn 18, I'm like, I'm going to get a job. You know, I don't know. There was it was a problem in our relationship. I don't have a car and have a job. I don't want to be that guy. I felt like a bum. You know, what did your parents say when you didn't want to go to college? Uh, they didn't force me. They didn't push me or nothing like that. Only like one of my other

sisters went. Okay. I have three older sisters and only one of them went to college. Another one went and then like stopped. And the one that went and stopped, she's like, she's a graphic designer. She makes like websites and stuff like that. She's very good at it. She has a good business and it's not going to do with anything that she studied for, you know, and she just learned because her husband did it and she taught he taught her, you know, but I had to go get a job when I was like 18. I started as a box boy in like a retail store that I moved up. Eventually they're like, Hey, it's busy. We need the box boy out here selling too. I came out, I was selling and then I got promoted to salesman to promote the store manager eventually. And eventually one day I just

got fired and I was always a big fan of stand up and I was like, I'm going to try standing while I have this time off and I can get an unemployment. You know what I mean? So I never went back again to like any other job. Yeah. Fuck you work. You were a store man. Like you, you must have seen a lot of people who take those jobs too seriously. Oh, you must have to fucking you. You worked in Colorado. You said you worked at like a shoe like a footlocker and I worked at Aldo at Aldo shoes. Oh, God, there. I fucking got it. I was just thinking about, you know, because I'm I tell people this shit and people giggle at home. Like when I was 25 compared to YouTube guys, I was, I didn't have the calmness of you guys. I was a savage. I was an American savage. Like my mind right now,

I would be thinking of Robin and you know, it was just a different mind. But I still had or wanted, I wanted to be something. I just didn't know what to do at 25. I just wanted to be something. I just didn't know what to do. I wish I would have been like you guys and know that 25 that this is your life calling it. Maybe nothing. 10 years. Lee might be a professional fart taken to the face. We would try to talk the girl at the ha ha the other day. Oh my God, to take the fart in the face and she would not do it. She wouldn't even do it for 200. Not the not the pants off or like you can keep your pants on 200. And then there's a girl at the weed store. That's really cute. Oh, really? The white chick. I think she's half our meaning. She's got the biggest fucking ass. But you could

tell there's celluloid under there and everything. But still, she and I asked her yesterday point blank. I said, the weed store, I looked at her and I can answer your questions. She goes, what's this? I go, Yeah, well, listen to the podcast. She goes, Yeah, Lee, I gotta make them take a fart in their face. I go for the small nickel. Will you do it? And she just looked at me. She goes, No, no. And she looked at me like surprise. I go, Listen, I got asked, it's mine out there for a pimp. And she kind of looked at me. She goes, You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. She goes, I don't know what I was thinking. Someone even asked Tabitha Stevens on Twitter and she said, No, yeah, Tabitha Stevens got asked. So yeah, listen, guys, it's amazing that you guys are doing

what you're doing. Like I applaud you. But I'm gonna tell you something else. I'm gonna tell you something. You know, it's, it's, it's amazing what friendships do. And it's amazing the people I've met when I was 25 and 26 and the little things I remember and the things that they were just worthless people. But other people left me like, Did you know I was hanging out with a guy, dog? I never told this story. I was hanging out with a guy for about six months. But this is how sharp I am. This guy was an undercover cop. And I was planning on heist and stuff with it. He was, he was an electrician. Did you know he was an undercover cop? I didn't know till 10 years later. Oh, okay. I thought you were hanging out with him as like he knew who he was. Okay.

He just bumped into me one day we worked together. It was something, he was part of something. There was a business that the guy was selling coke or something like that. And I guess this guy was an electrician back in Minneapolis, because he told me the whole story and he was, and bro, I had worked with him. That's how I met him. You know, I got referred to him by an electrical inspector. And I used to go to this guy's house on Friday nights, eat pizza with him and his wife. I mean, I lived 50 feet away from them. They lived in like B building and I lived in Creekside D. They lived in B building, you know, I never spent the night there, but I go watch a movie. He didn't smoke pot. He didn't do blow. But I remember one time I gave an ounce

of blow to hold and he held it for me for a month and shit. And I went back there and got it from him. And it was the same coke and everything. So I don't know what his commitment was, but he taught me how to cut alarms. He was the guy that taught me how to like if you had a general alarm with the horn on, you know, some people just have the Puerto Rican alarm with the horn and they got the tape on the glass. This is 82, you know what I'm saying, 83 guys. So it's amazing that you guys are hanging with me and I've never taken you down the bad street, but the people I was hanging out with at that age were fucking losing the cup. Do you think he was like waiting for you to do something big and he just never did it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think that we became friends and then

during our friendship, I opened up my flap and started talking and I didn't realize it until about 10 years later. I tried to rob a jewelry store one night and I did it exactly how he told me the cops were waiting for me that night. I didn't get arrested. They never caught me. They came to my house because they found the foot tracks. Oh, that's that one. The snow. Yeah. It must be hard to be a burglar in Colorado for that reason. Well, at that time, but that night, it was hysterical because the boots were in my house and they asked me, where were you? And I go, I didn't leave the house tonight. And then all of a sudden they go, well, all of a sudden the boots are right there, defrosted. That's how smart I fucking am. Hit me with some musically. What the fuck,

cocksucker. Di Agostino in the house. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. I can't even tell you to get up. Your polyupper ready. Your shoes are shine. You're fucking with Storeen. Your mouth got some pubic hairs in that motherfucker. Drop it, brother. You know what I'm saying? We know a chick that got a cavity and Hamola from sperm. She got a big white hole in the shit. So if you know it, who? Oh shit. Lee, let's spark this motherfucker out of respect. I got two of them here and I got a Chibo. What do you want to do? I'll take the joint. All right. You don't want to do a half a Chibo, young little Joe. Now I'm right before your job interview that I have to drop to Santa Monica for. What happened to the music? Oh, we're smoking. Come on over. We're young. Come on. You still got

to wiggle. Do the crab walk over here to the pit walk. What's the crab walk? You know, like a pimp. You don't know how to walk on your pimp. I got you a pimp in Boston. Oh shit. Late night, whatever. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You have to look at the mirror. Look at those nose hairs. You got cut those motherfuckers out. You're trying to make friends, Scott Sucker. Trim your eyebrows. I got three white ones that scare the fuck out of people. But I'm trying. It's Wednesday, you motherfuckers. What happened? What happened? He just dropped down. What happened? Let me turn the lights on. Where you going? We still got to burn this. I just

smoked some. We got two different numbers here. I got to give you two different powers. I'm going to open up this Chibo when you lick my fingers anyway. Every podcast, something sexual. What sexual? Last time you told me if you had to, you would fuck me. No, you don't understand how I said it. I said it like as a man going into a bar when you're drunk, if you went into a bar when you're drunk, I'm the type of guy to fuck you, meaning like I'm a horned dog and I wouldn't fuck somebody. I meant that like that. More things than that. You don't fuck anything and you just do what is it. You happen to be sitting down. I think that's how we said it. Let me tell you something. I listened to that podcast. If I

was a butt man, yeah, I would have gave you a sleeping pill a long time ago and tied you up. I'd put a little bat suit on you. It would have been easy. You would have given me a sleeping pill? I would have gave you a couple. You know, you're a big boy. I got to give you a couple sleeping pills. I would dress you up, make you shit yourself. What? Oh my God. This reef is on fire today and shit. Yeah, that's a good one. Is that church? I like that one. This is a bunch of different ones. I got a bunch of different fucking nevices. I got people who had war here. I got weeds. I got put together. They were at war these two weeks. They put them together. He just makes two things together. Two fucking things that have been at war since the 16th century.

Very obscure podcast today, but I'm digging it. This is what he's talking about. You know what I'm saying? I can't keep giving you the same boredom every fucking week. Di Agostino, talk to these cops. So me and Di Agostino, I contacted them with all the special talk came up. I contacted them because there's certain people like Josh Wolf. When I ran with Josh Wolf every day, Josh Wolf would call me at two in the morning with a fucking suggestion and there's some people who try to do it, but there's some people who your voice gets to and that's what happened to him. He's my brother. He's like a younger brother. What am I going to do? And I'm very lucky to have him. So I said that I would love to have him on board to help me put the pieces together

instead of giving you Joe. I want to give people something. I want to give people something good. There's nothing there but ice cubes. I'm like a third grader in a shitty fucking camp. I got nothing but little crust ice in here. So what is it like? Because people always ask me what it's like working with Joe. I don't do any of the comedy stuff, but when a bigger comic asks you as a younger comic to help them write, what do you think? It's a really cool thing. I don't know if Joey gets like how because I've listened to him and talked about how he's just like, it's just me. I don't give a shit. You know what I'm saying? But to us younger comics we're like, holy shit, it's Joey Diaz. You know what I mean? And also I don't really want to tell

too many people that I'm helping him to. You know what I mean? It's like one of those things you want to tell everybody, but I shouldn't tell everybody. You know what I mean? So it's really weird, man. You have, you come up and you got these people that have this ego and you hear that they do this and this and this. And let me tell you something. The most important thing in life is knowing that if you want to get better you can always reach out for help. And I like your act. I like how you approach it. He's very smooth. He's very backdoor. Like you're like, look at them when Sacramento, I go, these people loving the Agostino. He's going in the backdoor. He's going right for the asshole when he comes up and right. And he one legs him and he takes him down. He takes

him down the pussies right in his mouth. You don't even have to, nothing. Some people have to wrestle for it and get in position. Fuck no. He landed right on top of the pussies. He's got nowhere to go. And at the end he tells them to look him up on Twitter in a smooth way. It was just brilliant. So when I look at a comic and I see that and I could always use help, if I called, let's say I called Mark Marin or somebody who, Bill Burr, who I look up to, you know, they wouldn't have the time or whatever, but we forget about that sometimes. Five years from now, he might get an HBO special and come to me and go, Joe, I got 10 grand for you. Yeah. Help me. And that's how you do a special because you write about what you perceive and then you have somebody else's

opinion. When fucking Chris Rock was doing those great specials 10 years ago, Chris Rock is brilliant. But it was Nick DiPallo, Louis CK and fucking Richard Jenny. I was just going to ask you like that's a genius move. You know how many comics take respect from other people? Yeah. You know how many people, you know, first off, you know how hard it is to find somebody's voice and you found it with me. Like sometimes I'm talking to you, you know, what's on the CD, what's not on the CD. He reminds me about attack. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. The last two years is when I started coming home and writing that shit down. But for 10 years, for 20 years, I knew shit, guys. I knew shit. I want to give people the best

that I could give them. You know what I'm saying? That's all you want in this business at any level. That's all you want. If I put out a special, I want it to be a fucking special, Lee. Yeah. You know, you want it to be any fucking Murphy delirious. You want it to be Andrew Dice, Clay the Dice man coming. That's what you aspire for. That's what motivated you into this. The first time you saw those specials, whether it was George Carlin or Carnegie Hall or whatever, Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip, it was the whole patois of the special. You think about the specials you guys like. It's not the fucking thing on stage. It's the whole thing. You stay and read the credits. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, guys? Yeah. Now, is it weird for you

having someone help you write? Is that something you wouldn't have done earlier? I think my ego and I never met anybody who could do it. I know two people in 20 years that I trust. Wolf and? Yeah. I know two people that I can look at the eye and go, I trust you, dog. Whatever you say, give it to me. Let's do this. I want this. If you don't like this tag, listen, I told you, I told you something a long time ago, Lee. I shouldn't say this, but I'm saying it under here. I throw away more good jokes than most comics write. And anybody who knows me knows I'm not bullshitting. I throw away more fucking jokes than more comics write. Sometimes I'm on the phone with American fucking airlines and I'll drop a bomb on those bitches or even some bits. I've heard him

do a couple of times on stage. I don't hear him do it anymore. And I'm just like, how come you don't do that bit anymore? We should work on that. And recently we were just talking about it and he was like, Oh yeah, I forgot about that. You forget. I got a thousand fucking things. I'm not 20 no more. The alpha brain, the reefer, it helps to a degree, but you're writing and you don't know. You know, I don't trust it. I don't know how to do it. But I finally figured out how to tape my sets on the iPhone. Oh, good. You know, fucking I had to think six months. I finally figured out it's two buttons, but I'm no fucking genius. And I don't trust it. Yeah. But they have the voice memo, the whole fucking thing. It's brilliant shit. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I could be a

mimic like with certain comics that I watch all the time. Like in my head, I can hear their voice all the time. Like if I hear a joke, I'm like, that sounds like a bird joke. You know what I mean? So before Joe even asked you to help him with the project, I would already like think of jokes and go like, oh, that sounds like a Joe Ideas joke. Like I can hear it. I can hear his voice in my head when I'm when I'm saying it. And even now I'm trying to work something out. I think, I think like maybe Joey can do this. I go up stage on an open mic. I try to talk it out before, you know, if I bring an idea to him. And then I did it the other day and somebody came up to me and they're like, he's like, dude, what are you stealing jokes from Joe Ideas? Someone said to me

that they go, you sound like you sound like fucking Joe Ideas on stage. He took his tone and everything. And I'm like, yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Like I didn't want to say that's what I wanted. I was doing an impression of him, basically. Yeah. Does that hurt you? Like, because you're at the club every night as you work there, like since you want to be a comic, does that hurt you kind of? No, because we're two completely different people. We may have similar writing, but I mean, I can't go on stage and be like, uh, yeah, I was in Jersey when I was a little kid. You know, that ain't me. Well, not him, but I mean, like all the comics you see. What do you mean? Like if you see, like if you saw Gabriel and Bob War and then Joey and then he saw

Tignataro or I don't know who, whoever you see every night. Well, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do practice stuff and in a real, I only do it at open mics and stuff like that. Okay. I'm not going to do it in front of those guys, nor would I do something I'm working on for him, especially in front of those guys. You know what I mean? Because you never know. Yeah. And then stuff like you always talk about people like, well, I ask you to like, oh, give this to Joe Rogan or whatever. Do people come to you? Because people always email me, have Joey give me a shout out. I want to, I want to have Joey on my podcast that eight people listen to or I want to have Joey in my, my, uh, what is it called? My, uh, YouTube show. And most of the time, I don't even

tell you because I know you're going to ask me this stuff. They probably email me by that point, you know, or they're about to email me. I get a lot of stuff and I try to be honest with people because what people haven't realized, like my brother's come, George is coming. Oh, cool. Have you met George? No. George will be here Sunday. He's here for now for Comic Con. Oh, cool. You want to go to San Diego late? Just let me know. I'm going this weekend. Oh, I've never been. I'm going. I didn't even, I didn't even know it was Comic Con. Oh, I'm going for Cosby. Oh, you're going to see Bill Cosby. I saw him in Cerritos. It's great. Man, I can't wait. And then I try to get a hotel. Yeah. I try to get a hotel. I'm like, why are all the hotels $600 and they're all

sold out everywhere. Then I was like, Oh, shit. It's fucking Comic Con. Yeah. They filmed it. They filmed it for Comic Central. It's a great two hours. Joey, I told Joey I was going, he said, eat an edible, listen to the album at home. Why are you driving to Cerritos for? Let's do a weekend podcast and I can do it because I have to be in Santa Monica telling them why I can edit things. Cosby's awesome, huh? Oh, it was awesome. I think I'm going to go watch him. He's got some other shows he added. I'm going to go see him. He's going to be in Vegas twice. At one point, you know, I got to go respect the guy and see him. It's amazing to go see somebody that's been doing. It's amazing when Lee told me, I goofed on him, but it was pretty brilliant on

Lee. And that's why I respect you guys. That's the other thing. I have mad respect for Lee because Lee's not here going, Joey, why aren't you on TV? Lee's telling me that he's got different flavors. Leo told me when he likes a joke, Leo make a funny look when he doesn't like a joke. You know what I'm saying? I have good people. I have good friends. I'm very blessed to have that. So when you have that, you have to put trust in them because I never want to be that guy. I've seen it happen a million times that all of a sudden people are too fucking, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got to get to the dance. You got to go to the dance. We got you there. You know what I'm saying? And that's what got me is my friends. So you put that around you and all you can do is get

funnier. How many times have we had conversations outside? Me, you and Jack Jr. And we've been howling. Howling. Me and Vinnie O'Shawna. Me and Vinnie O'Shawna bumped into, me and Lee bumped into Vinnie Thursday night alone. We fucking lost it. We lost it like three kids with no weed down the truth Lee. We only smoked a little bit. We took one hit. Like an hour earlier. Was that to say that when the black girl went up to you and told you she was wanting to take you home? We were sitting in a locked bag. I'm telling you, dog. A hot girl walked by and Vinnie walked up to Joe Andrew and Vinnie was like, she's hot, isn't she? And then Joe is like, I'm going to tell her. And Vinnie says,

that's the type of girl I would eat her pussy as she was shitting. And Joe is like, Vinnie said that to him as like a confidential joke between comics. Yeah. And Joe's eyes lit up. He's like, I'm going to say that as she walks by again. So she would tell her that. You said that. So she walked by and he goes, hey, and she like, she doesn't respond on the way back. He pulls, he like pulls her and he's like, that guy over there. He told me he'd eat your pussy as you're shitting. And she's like, and I was like, it was like, it's slowed down. I was like, is she going to slap him? What's going to happen? And he put, he somehow picked the one girl in the club who was like honored. She's like, thank you. That's so sad. And then I threw a tag. I go,

what a yeast infection. And Vinnie and Shana lost it. All three of us lost it with laughter. Just because the girl was on a date. I knew she was on a date. It didn't matter. When she walked past us, she was very beautiful. She had glasses on, but some women wear glasses because they wouldn't have looked intelligent. This bitch wore glasses. She was a foreign bitch. You know, she worked at a dildo store. Yeah. She owned a sex toy store. This is perfect. So when she walked past us, she said hello to us with a big smile. Very nice. You could tell she was, there's some women you could talk to and there's some women you can't. On the way back, I knew that she went to the bathroom and said, these guys said hello. They got to be cool. And on the way back, when she

made that turn, she was smiling from ear to ear. She was like, these guys are all right. That's when I said, come here for a second. This guy over here says he would eat your pussy while you're taking this shit. And she just laughed at why she wouldn't eat it. And she's like, yeah, count to three. Timing is everything. She's like, ah, what a yeast infection. It was like a punch that was headed to your head and went right to your fucking stomach. She fucking killed over. We were dying. We were dying. And that's, you know, people, it's a shame that they have this new thing. What is a sexual harassment? That you can't tell a woman she's hot no more. You can't go up to a woman and say, listen, on Joseph's side, you're married and I

respect that. I'm not saying nothing out of the ordinary. But maybe somebody forgot to tell you you're fucking banging today. You look at a woman sometimes and tell her that she might look like she ain't interested. But why was she in front of the mirror for 20 minutes before she left the house floor? Not cause she wouldn't want to go out and scare little fucking kids. Cause she wanted she to say, I'm fucking banging dog. My mother told me that when I was fucking five, my mother would tell me go up to that woman right there and tell her she's fucking banging. And I would have to go up, tug their dress and say, uh, look at me and go, what the fuck did you say? And she would give me a kiss and hug and she

go, that's a good fucking thing. And she would wake up my mom, fucking good job. Good fucking job. This little kid just made my day at the supermarket. Sometimes we forget his husbands and boyfriend to tell him, Hey man, you look fucking beautiful today. And you know what, instead of getting cereal that day, you might get eggs. You might stop me and get eggs in a fucking piece of bacon. I tell my wife every day, she looks beautiful. I make it a fucking habit. If I see a woman who's trying walking, I'm dropping on them. What's the worst thing? One woman in the last six months, the fat chicken, San Jose, outside with Eddie Bravo, some little chick that thought she was banging. Oh, today, well, we got to stop this podcast today. I had to go to the doctor. I was

telling you, I was so fucking happy. I got off the fucking one or one heads out and I had to eat something, but it was 20 to 11. Nothing's open. I'm on that cusp. But I tell you what's open every day, that one strip of the Lancashire is already banging at nine in the morning. The Chinese place? What's the name of it? The Dragon Street? No, the one right next to the wings. Oh, Panda? Panda's open at nine for breakfast. The Greek place? Yeah, you're in a bind. And they got shit out. They got the moosh shoe. They got the sack. And I walked in there and the chick was too stupid for me. The waitress was talking to some kid. The kid didn't know. Big, medium, fucked. I wanted Panera anyway. I was in the mood for the sweet onion bagel. Oh, that's when you went to

Panera. I was in the mood for the sweet onion bagel with the yogurt, with the fucking strawberries. Tremendous at Paneras with the green tea there. Oh, you're off the chain. But I went in there, bang, they had a shrimp salad sandwich. It was special with the house salad. I was starving. All I had for breakfast was fucking oatmeal and fruit and raspberries and a cantaloupe. I said, fuck this shit. And I banged out the shrimp salad sandwich with the salad. The best fucking 14, 15 bucks I spent in the last fucking six months for breakfast. So Panera's throwing some heat going there. Give us some love. That's how we roll, Elisa. They have a good Caesar salad. I don't like the sandwiches as much. The one I had,

like roast beef, it was, I don't know, the bread was too much, but I love the salads. We went there for breakfast once. I would never think you'd want to spend 15 bucks on a sandwich. I think you'd be like, what is lunch nowadays? What's lunch? You know, the China deli is tremendous in Studio City. It's seven dollars. What is it? You're gonna go to China deli? No, that's the best lunch. If I was poor, I'd be in there every day. They have the five hour with a soda, with a soda, a fin. You get the soup, the egg roll, which, you know, it's just a stick full of vegetable oil and a couple of fucking ugly carrots and shit. They give you like one ton. They give you white rice or fried rice, and they give you the entree.

And it's heavy duty. I've been in there with a thousand people from one of Ari's favorite fucking places, China deli, right off of Lancashire. I'm gonna have to try that. Yeah, tremendous. See, you like the other place, but I think the other place is going under. They're going downhill. The last two times I've been in there, my stomach got mad. Bro, I snort that shit out. I know what good fucking sushi looks like. The last two times I've been in there, the sushi's been a little old bots. It's been a little fucking fatty and shit. I've been in there with the Albuquerque starting to look too dark. Yeah, it's starting to look dark. That ain't right. Yeah, when the fish looks dark. Yeah, yeah, they got that shit from a lake or something telling you

it's Albuquerque. Something ain't right. I have friends who do the grocery store sushi. I can't stand it. It gets too cold. Do you hit the grocery store? That's like 7-Eleven sushi. Listen to me. You go over the routes. You go in there about 10, 20. You stand there next to that Japanese lady. You watch a cut of roll. You take that roll. You already have to fuck that soy sauce package shit like a Puerto Rican. You get the bottle at the house, the low sodium. Yeah. How far is it from Rouse to Yams? Five minutes in. First though, let's come to the agreement of one thing. I love sushi, but I don't care if you go to Mighou Hings Palace of Sushi and they're on a fucking lake. If you take, once you put that sushi in a to-go box, it's a different savage. Yeah. So that's

what people have. When I see people take them sushi, let's take it to go. For what? You're about to get sicker than fucking sick. You're about to taste that sushi has a longevity of 18 fucking minutes. Yeah. That's how long. I mean, let's be honest with each other. It's raw fish. It's raw fucking fish. It ain't cooked shit. I've had sushi. I've tried to take sushi home twice and I knew it one time. Ralphie May is the king of knocking on your door with a box of sushi. Really? Yeah, with three, a shark, a fucking, with a legging in his mouth. You know, and he's like, I just got this for you. I know you did, but when you bite into it, you're suspect. Eat three pieces and you're like the rice hardens up like a cast. The rice gets like a fucking cast talking

to which I'm at Panera and I'm sitting there looking at Lancashire. There's a bus station across the street. Not only I can see these shits, God has put shit like this in my life since day one. And you know why? Because there's never anybody around for me to show it to you. And again, today I didn't even go for the camera. I'm sitting there eating this fucking salad and looking at the window. You know what I'm like? Because like that, people are allowed to walk across the street. Yeah, window flashes, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, where I'm at. Right there on the corner. I'm looking across the street channel and I'm looking across the bus station just looking, guys. Why? I have no idea. You know, you're just looking like a retard out the window.

Let's agree on that. And I see a certain walk. You know that walk that a woman has, that only a woman has is selling pussy? Yeah. So it makes me look at the eye immediately, not that I'm buying it, but I'm looking. You gotta look. You gotta look. You never know. Right, I look up. I look up. Yeah. And she's got glasses. She's a black drill, wig glasses on. And what else does she have on? She's got glasses and I can't see, I only see from the shoulders up and she's not bad. And she's tall and she's sleek. And she's got, you know, those yoga pants and the tight. Oh, I love those pants. I love leggings. I love them. They're fucking tight on her. And you can tell she had nice black fucking thighs.

And I looked a little under the knees and she had black skin and she had those little flip-flops on with black skin. You can see the toes have been beat up. Like she don't have carpeting and shit. You know what I'm saying? That she don't put cream on her toes. Her toes got beat up, doesn't it? Right, but she's nice looking, you know, a good looking drill. I don't like hookers or whatever, but I'm looking at her. But when I look up, as she gets closer to see the full picture, because I'm hanging my glasses on, this bitch is working it at 10 to 11 in the morning. Like it's fucking eight o'clock at night, but here's where it gets kinky. I ain't mad at her. She's got a cast on. Somebody broke her arm this week. She's got,

this bitch has a cast on from her hand to her fucking elbow and she's pushing that motherfucker along like nothing. She's like, fuck the arm. This pussy is delicious. You know what I'm saying? Then she's standing in the corner with the hoof just hanging there with the arm, right? And she's, she's brilliant. She hung the person on there. But it was just like, this is, I'm looking at this and I'm on the phone with something. I go, listen, before you keep going, I gotta tell you who you're on the phone with and what happens in my life. She's a girl, a great girl that's helping me out. Bobby's the name. Jackie's the name. I'm telling her, listen, Jackie, there's a hooker with a fucking cast working it like nothing's

there. You think she was a hooker? I know she was a hooker. She's still in the corner for like 13 minutes working that fucking cast and people are like looking at her. But once they saw the cast, they're like, no, no, this is getting deeper. This could be like a prank. This could be something, a hooker with a fucking cast. This doesn't, you know, when she gets in the car, what's the conversation? Now all this is going through my head and she's standing 30 feet from me. And right there she crosses the street again to the other side. Now she, you know where she is now. And she's sitting in that shaded area. The buses don't roll up there. They roll up a little, but she's standing there

because she's looking for a prospect. But then I just, I couldn't believe it. That's crazy. I wonder if it was her hand job hand. I couldn't let that go into the computer anymore. I have too much stuff in my head to even think, that's the life I lead guys. What if she was like, I didn't like a shotgun under there or something just in case. No, it was a thick cast. So the guy fucked up her own. Well, they threw out. I'm surprised you didn't invite her in and like, listen, I'll buy the half sandwich and the soup. Let me, let me find out what happened to your arm. Doug, if you were there, I would have definitely done it because you would have taped it. We would have got the speakers in the car,

the whole fucking thing. We would have taped it. He would have. If I had been there, he would have been like, like, not even gone enough. He looked through a Panera, but like, yo, until she heard like through the glass for 200, will you fart in his face and hit him in the head with your cast or I don't know what he would say, but oh my God, that's crazy. Oh, you're a fucking savage. You know that? I don't understand you fucking people. I don't understand you people anymore. So what else is going on? So we're going to go on the road a couple of times. Yeah, we're going to take a look at the act and we'll hold it down and we'll get it prepared. But I trust you. I love you to death. I love that we met yesterday and he had a lot of

great stuff to say. Now, you know, we're a family, we're just building a fucking family. You can't do this at one point. You're going to have to, you know, you guys read the fucking Samuel Bo Gravano book. No, you could be on your own for a little while, but at some time, you're going to have to join the family. He just dropped it on you. And speaking of family, you fucking working out with the audit stuff. Still going well. You went to Jiu Jitsu like a night or two ago, right? Listen, Doug, I am fucking not going to death. I'm having a great time. I feel better. I got to tell you something. I called her already today, the psychotherapist to thank her. I really believe that she hypnotized me. And I asked my doctor today,

when I went, when I go, did she hypnotize me? He goes, yeah, I think so. It was amazing. And I didn't know she hypnotized me until I was leaving after I gave her the money. I go, wait a second. I walked in at 11 o'clock. It's 12 fucking 30. We only said maybe 20 minutes of conversation. What happened to the other how? I checked my mouth, you know what I'm saying? I checked my dick to make sure that I didn't black out and stab them. This was just a fucking fantasy and they were about to take me down and all this stuff. And I left. And for Sunday, I walked around and I pushed a little bit. But I really worked on the tools she taught me. I really worked on the island of serenity. I really worked on what the garbage can, if I get thoughts, to put them

right in the garbage can on my right hand side, just don't even process them. And I went Monday and trained with my man Salami up at 10th plant. Very nice. And it was tremendous. One time I had to get up and just compose my breathing. But now what's going on is I'm in shock because I'm not going into heat. Do you follow me? So you're expecting something? It doesn't come. So now I'm in a complete different type of shock. Right. Like now I'm in fucking limbo because now I'm but I'm last night I went to kickboxing. And I got to tell you the whole fucking hour and a half. I came home this morning. I went to do laundry. The shirt was still fucking drenched. Didn't have a situation at all. My breathing was good. I'm focusing on it, you know. And that's the other

thing. You got to focus on your breathing when you're in there. A lot of times you do something and you don't breathe. That sets a guy back. That's 300 pounds. Yeah. That's 300 fucking pounds. That's why they say when you're real muscular, those UFC's, you don't do well because how much oxygen can you get to those fucking muscles in town? Now the next level is me. I want to just rip down completely. Like, you know, but working out wise, you know, I don't want to trick in enough and I want to count my points. And I've been eating healthy lately. I got to be honest with you guys. I'm eating a little healthy. Last week I went to the doctor. My blood pressure was fucking up there. I was. But I went to see this lady. We talked about this. And I'm going to try to

have a call to podcast. I really think that this is really interesting. It's all the fears I had. And I knew it. Last year, I had surgery last February. Before that surgery, guys, I had like fucking three or four needles and nothing. I walked out of there like, you know, like Captain SpongeBob SquarePants. Like I owned the fucking Pineapple and the Crab Shack, right? I walked out of there like nothing. Down at night, right? At night, that one time when I came back from Miami and my legs swelled up, were you around for that? And they had to rush me to the hospital at night. And then they say, I got to draw blood. Usually, I'm a Ghana. That time I didn't faint. That was shocking. So I knew a fate was in the universe. I knew a fate was somewhere in the fucking horizon.

And then I went to do a blood test again, and I was good. All these blood tests, nothing happened. But they thought I had that fucking cat thing. They thought I had that thing. And I went down there. They were supposed to give me two needles. They put one needle in my ass, guys. You should have seen me. It took me 45 minutes just to leave. The sweat didn't fucking stop for hours. From every orifice of my body, I had to lay off the needles for like fucking six weeks. When your wife was pregnant, you went like every week to get a needle. I mean, I was worried because yeah, and you didn't tell me about like, we were talking one night. You said I was going to call you back and then you didn't call back. And usually I just think you had an indenitable

and you fell asleep. But then you call me the next day like, sorry, they took me to the hospital. I'm like, why didn't you call me and tell me you're in the hospital? I forgot about that. You thought you had like a blood clot. They were gonna fucking call from somebody. And they said they were in the hospital and tell you they were okay. Then what the fuck you called me for? Yeah. Call me when you're out of the hospital and tell me. Did I tell you what happened last night in the Agustina? No, what? I got stabbed in the neck and I had to go to the hospital. But they stitched me up and I'm all right. You know what I'm saying? But if I call you from the hospital, when somebody calls you from the hospital, oh my God, that's the first girl. What happened?

I didn't go, no, no, no, nothing. I got hit by a car, but the bike saved me and I'm okay. I went home. I'll be at the ha ha in fucking two hours. Whatever. But they call you and tell you they're okay. That always makes me nervous. Like, be sure. You want me to come down there? No, then what the fuck you called me for? It's just dirty. I'm trying to watch fucking the handcuff was just ending up over here. It's terrible. It's terrible. When you go get blood taken, you don't get like squeamish from them taking blood? The last time I went down. Yeah. The last time I went down. But I'd been to that same office three times. And you feel more comfortable?

The first two times, I was great. The second time she stayed there a little longer. And something just happened. It just takes me. But I've had this condition for a long fucking time since I was a kid. Yeah, me too. I've thrown up fainting the doctor's office. I don't want it no more. I'm through with it. The only way now is listen, guys, I'm gonna be as loud as I can. I was telling my wife, I'm at the doctor's office twice a week minimum. Jesus. You gotta remember, I go to Medici once a week, and I go to Dr. Amy once a week. I get cupped. Oh, that kind. Okay. That's just the minimum. You have to be like, I got a rash, the fucking fun guy on the toenail, the ear infection, the eyes, the fucking dentist.

There's always something when you're 50. So right now I'm doing this preventive medicine. That's how I'm not doing no major knock on fucking wood. You know what I'm saying? I'm not doing dick, but you have to go to this shit. I like the acupuncture. It's an I leave the phone in the car, everything. I don't put coins in my pocket. I don't want to be radioactive. I go up there. I want the needles to hit the fucking meridians and I'm fine. You know, I hate even going out on Tuesdays, but it's a great night to go to kickbox. And that's what I did last night. But I slept like a baby last night. I drink a bunch of water after that shit and some fruit and flush that motherfucker out. I took one of those acupuncture shit says one of those like a cactus ripped up

my little muffler. I still got blood coming out. I just scratched my ass. Doug, you got a fucking coin in your toilet. I do. And he leaves pissing there. So nobody will steal the fucking toilet. I don't have a coin in my toilet, do I really? And that fucks with Jews. When you put like a coin in the toilet, they go pee and then a jewel, look at that thing and hold that fucking pee. You probably did that just now. You probably put a nickel in there. I'll stick that cold Jew in that toilet. Get that water out of there and shit. Lee. Boom, boom. So I have no lead to answer your question. Let me tell you something. I spoke to my man Orlando Rios down at down at on it and I had him send me the the pro maximum

pack that I spoke to about and they were out of stock. That's how good that package is done. The 119 we discussed with the two different packs a day. Yeah, that's how good that fucking product is done because they throw it. So he says he says they're out of them temporarily for about two weeks, but he said to send me all the other stuff that's in those. Oh, okay. So I'm going to get those. But I told him to really double up on the fucking shumtec. Yeah, that's really helping my breathing. And it's not even the breathing of the endurance. It's where I'm at now and how I feel afterward. And then I pop a couple of new moons. Doug, I'm 300 fucking pounds. I'm rolling around with 20 year old little fucking Filipinos who are faster than fuck.

Those little Filipinos been through hell down there. They got knives, sticks. I just have this image of like three little Filipinos jumping on your back and doing flips in the air or something. This one little Filipino. Listen, I got choked out last week almost by a 16 year old with a fucked up haircut. A 16 year old with a fucked up haircut almost choked your uncle Joe. Yeah, that's a true fucking story. Are you more pissed about 16 or the haircut? Both. No, no, no. It's just that it's such a weird thing that I go, I was telling my wife a couple of weeks ago, or we were talking about this week and we were at the Farmers' Market. She goes, you really like going there at night? Like when I get back, my wife looks at me and goes,

what the fuck? Your hair is fucked up. Your shirt's drenched. You know, you smell funny, you know. And she goes, you really enjoy this. Like, well, what are my options though? I think that, you know, your father grew up, right? How old is your dad now? He's 55. And what does he do? He still teaches campos? No, he doesn't teach it, but I mean, he's always been a big fan of all martial arts and stuff, but he used to take hapkido and he used to teach it a little bit. Like, you know, the kids basic stuff and jujitsu. He's got all these like jujitsu t-shirts. I told you, my dad's got all these jujitsu t-shirts when he was a lot thinner and he's a lot bigger now. So he gives them to me and I go around wearing it and people come out to me all the time. You do jujitsu, man. That's

so cool. You know, is your dad still going to jujitsu? No. I don't know. I mean, he hasn't done it in a couple of years. I don't know why he doesn't ask him. If he wants to, you know, a 50 year old guy that is, yeah, I've told them before and I was thinking about going to the kickboxing class with you and say, come on down and roll. I should go right there to Van Nuys. We'll go to Tech Planet Van Nuys. They got an open back there. It's very nice. Yeah. I'm really fucking impressed with that. I'm really liking what I'm doing. I got the VMAX shirt right now. That's where I go, the valley. That's where I go. And that's a great fucking jujitsu program. What I like about it, it's a white belt school. There's only a couple blue belts, maybe one or two purple belts. Everybody else is on white

belt. So you're rolling around with, guys, I'm not getting killed. It's making me learn the basics the right fucking way. And guys, that's what I wanted. I'm so happy. I don't want to go to contest the competitions. I just want to do something. I want to be active so that blood, I want my ankles to stay skinny. You know, I really work on my ankle staying skinny. I want the circulation to get fucked up. You follow me. I want to get clogged up. So it means a lot to me. You know, I really does because my parents are dead. And I guarantee if you could communicate with my mom and say, what would you do different when you'd be doing jumping jacks right now? She'd say every fucking morning. I think so. Fuck yeah, man. You got to take care of yourself in so many different levels.

And yeah, I got some fucking weight on me. But you know what? I drink a lot of water again. We go to those fucking gallons. We got those things at the house now where they delivered a water the last three years. You know, that's made a big difference at the house. You drink a lot of water. I mean, I've cut down. I told someone at work. I still drink like three the sodas diet sodas a day. I don't drink regular soda. But at comedy clubs or anywhere when I work, they give it to you for free. So I used to drink six or seven a night. So I try I've been I've been cutting down and I cut soda out completely. Yeah, it helps. Yeah. You guys are young. You're picking up good fucking habits because that's

at 25, I was always a good eater. Like at 25, I still need food, but I ate tons of it. Because at 18, I was working out at 25. You stop a little bit. You can start working. You got a girlfriend or wife. You know, I was doing a little time. Shit happens. You're in county for a few weeks. So after a while, you're like, fuck it. I'll just run off the fuse. You know, when you're 18 and you're in shape, you see a guy my age and he says to your dog, this is going to be me. You in 25 years, like, fuck you, man. I'll always be skinny. Wait, wait, you know, unless you're doing something for help, it fucking gets hard because when it took calorie wise and wise to burn that fat, now it's double

at that age. Your metabolism. You got to pick your fucking metabolism up. It's like when you were a kid, you ran around all fucking day. When I was a kid, I could do three karate classes, you know, throw punches, run into the park. Now I do what I'm done for the day. That's not even I'm done. I go home and I write up and I take a shower and, you know, make calls. Sometimes I go out and do a set, but it's just amazing that I'm still going at 50. When I was doing it at a young man, if you would have asked me if I would have been still doing this shit at 50, I would have told you, you know, tonight I'm going to go to jiu-jitsu and tomorrow I'm going to fucking play to Philadelphia bitches, helium comedy club, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Do you have a favorite cheesesteak place or do you, uh, I can go everywhere? I've never been to either or or I have it in 20 years. You know what I'm saying? Like every time I go down there, I don't know where I ate 20, 30 years ago. I forgot that all good. And when I go there now, that's, I was talking to Dom Marere this morning. He was saying the same thing. It was just so anywhere. They're all fucking good. No, this is a big thing. Cheese whiz or the provolone? I got to try the cheese whiz. I've never tried it. It freaks me out. I like provolone cheese. You know, cheese whiz scares me. Like on a cracker, it looks like it comes out of my face when I pop a pimple. You know, that's what I like about it. Don't like about it. I've always had

an obsession with popping pimples. I've never had a Philly with cheese whiz. Oh yeah. I mean it's I've never seen that. It's a big question. Like I've been to Philly a couple of times. Joey, like live, like not live in Philly, but you were always there. It's like it's like the nacho cheese sauce. It's like, like somebody hit me up before on Twitter and they're like, Hey, where's the best place to eat them? And sometimes I would know a place, but I don't go to Denver frequently that much to recommend the place. When I go to Denver, I go to a place down the corner from the hotel with the UFC. And they were always there. I got a bowl of green chili and you know, I don't even know the name of the fucking place. Yeah. But I heard it's really good. And I go there. I just

don't know the name of it. So I'm sorry. I live in L.A. and I don't even know what the fuck's going on in L.A. Anyone trust Yelp? So let me talk to you about something here. So you got something going on on a Nuvo TV. On Nuvo TV. Now Nuvo TV is making a move that the big thing they're doing isn't an angel. They bought an angel at Jonathan's special. Yeah, they did. I heard about that. And they're going for it. So this is, this is, you know, dog, this is the way I remember 1995 watching House of Buggin with John. You guys weren't even born. It was a sketch show with John Leguizamo on Fox. It was the beginnings of Fox on Sunday nights. They had the Simpsons and to show the lust and marriage, but somewhere in that, like 630, they had a Spanish in living color called

House of Buggin. There's six episodes on YouTube. And out of the six episodes, they had two great fucking sketches. Vogueing for Congress. Okay. With Leguizamo. Put it on. Yeah. Vogueing for Congress. Put it on House of Buggin. John Leguizamo. And there was six episodes. Everybody laughed at that show. But that's what Bill Fox, it was those, you know what I'm saying? So Fox was nothing then. In 1995, when, this is what I'm talking about. Fox was nothing. Fox, anybody who put on Fox was on Sunday nights for America's Most Wanted. Do you want Uptown Vogueing Troop? Yeah. Hysterical. Hysterical. This is, this is, uh, you know, And uh, Zach Hamlin to the grand, is this photographer a question from the government,

Mr. Rodriguez? A thousand dollars, Senator. And we at the NEA feel that's reasonable. Yeah. Well, this is a darn pretty picture of a flower I must admit. That's a, oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. You expect the U.S. government to squander tax dollars on that sort of bill? Uh, Senator Chisky, I wouldn't exactly do that. Senator, I mean, this is art. Enough. Who's the next prevert on your list who wants us to fund this pornography? Well, let's see, um, we have a modern dance troupe, Senator. Well, that sounds a little more like it. Will they call themselves? Uh, the Uptown Vogueing Troop from Queens. Jesus. In the beginning, the house was void and without stuff. And God said, let there be

gold. Jesus. All right, that's good. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but Puerto Ricans and humans call fags la loca. Like if you see a fag walking by, you're like, la loca. That's, I know, look at you go, fuck you. And that's what you're saying. La loca, la loca. It's fucking hilarious. Those Puerto Ricans see a Puerto Rican fag and they call it loca. Oh no. And it's hysterical. They lose their minds. You know, la loca is who you call a loca, motherfucker. They'll fucking kill you over it. But in some, in some circles, it's very avant-garde. They like it. It turns them on Lee. So if you bump into a Puerto Rican fag,

what is going to happen? You never know. You never know. You might be editing a show and a fag busting through the back door and rooms and chest on your fucking neck. And the next thing you know, you're in bed, listen to Liberace's music. Oh, I love it. The church. Oh, what's happening on me got some motherfucking. So wait a second. We were talking about fucking on it before. I'm doing a whole on it lifestyle. I'm telling you what I'm trying to wait. Don't fucking matter. The song remains the same. If I'm taking care of myself and getting out there, I'm sweating the shirts are sweaty all the way down to the fucking shorts. The other day I asked fucking salami jujitsu, why am I fucking jujitsu pants wet?

Like that's fucking tremendous when you're sweating that much. That's got to be good for you at some levels. Correct? I guess so. Can't hurt. I said my underwear is turned yellow. That might be a problem from the sweat from the ball sack. It gets like it's like a coffee sack. It's like when you were that's what it looks like after one hour. It's not after one hour. Oh, yeah. Right by my fucking the boots. Fuck. Sweating is good for you. I guess. Oh, does your wife clean your underwear? I watched my wife come close to that shit. It might ruin it. What are you going to get the fucking pool cucksuck to work on the fizzle? I have to start doing it. I'm just and you told you told me like this in the week. I work a lot and I'll

die. You got to but I'm the laziest person. But the pool you don't have to get in your car. That's how much I love you. I have to get out of the house. That's how fucking bad it is. I'm asking you to get out of the elevator. In fact, you know what I'm going to go do when I leave here? I'm going to get you like a bat pole. Like what are you going to do? I'm going to buy you the fucking pull and put a pull into the back and you just slide down to the pool and then it has the remote control pump on the bottom and you shoot right back up to the fucking third floor like a doctor. Nobody knows you went to the pool except for the huge frigging bat pole going through the three flights of stairs now. I get lazy moments to leave. But I mean, you know what helps sometimes

when you feel like, I don't feel like going. I can talk myself out of the gym or go and swim in like every day. I can talk myself out of it. But what helps is like if you go with somebody, if you go with like a friend or something. Yeah, we're going to go work out together. You're like, yeah, okay, let's go. Then you can't say no. You know what I mean? You can't give yourself excuses. And also it's like makes it more fun. You're like, yeah, we should go again. Like I go with Steve Simone walking Freiman. You should go. You should go walking Freiman. Have you walked it before? No. You should go walk Freiman. It's, you know, I have a bad knee too. Like Joey, like I had injured it when I was younger. And then now that I put so much weight on,

I, you know, I can't walk the Freiman anymore, but I lost a couple of pounds. I've been walking it and I go with a buddy and we talk. And all of a sudden I completed it. And I'm like, I didn't do this last time. I was by myself. But now it's because I was talking to somebody that somebody was there. Just your mind's off it. Yeah, just go. I don't like that shit. That's one thing I don't like. What? Walking up a fucking hill. You don't like it? No, outside around here. You walk every day with your dog? In the neighborhood. Yeah. Why do I got to go up and walk a fucking cliff? Oh, what the fuck? Oh, you're hiking. And then you got to get the stick and the socks. And I have friends that have the hiking outfit.

I hate it with that fucking stick. Well, that's why I don't like Runyon, but like Freiman's coldest. Runyon's very close. It's like the views good. I'll tell you what, when I first moved here, I forgot how embarrassed I was. I used to go to Runyon with this fucking chicken when I found the little folder. I asked the stripper girl, I used to walk Runyon with it. We used to have a dog and we used to walk up that hill and right when you walked in, right there when you walked in, now they do yoga, correct? I haven't been doing one. Right. Now they do yoga on the side. Everybody's outside drinking water and shaking their head. Like, oh my God, because it's those type of people that would do yoga there. Yeah. You want to be seen doing yoga. So, but there used to be the

six girls that would sit at a park bench with their workout pants on, with still the mascara running down from the day before, with audition signs. That's when you went out every day. When I first moved here in 1998, if you had a theatrical age, you went out every fucking day. And I would always see these girls, these six, five girls on the bottom of the hill, and I would sit there with the dog and listen to them. And it was fucking amazing. You know where I fucked up? I fucked up not going into the service and I fucked up not taping these six idiots conversation. Remember, I got here with Leon on the Capio released Titanic, which meant that he was getting his dick sucked eight times a day. We used to see him outside

the building where we live. He used to cop there. And somebody told me one day, you wake up the morning you see Leon on the Capio in front of the building. This is no shit. This is true shit. Right after Titanic, without the Titanic, Leon on the Capio owned this fucking town. He was slinging dick every fucking night out. I remember that I would go up there with the dog and listen and they would talk about how they would talk. They would call Leon on the Capio Leo. They were at Leo's his last night. Oh my God. He wore this shirt and we partied and they would just sit there. And it was ridiculous. And they were talking about acting class and how they went to Jack's house three weeks ago and Marky Warburg, which oh my God, he's doing a dinner

party and we're dying to go. And meanwhile, people would walk and stop there and listen to these six fucking morons, whatever the fuck they were. It was embarrassing. I always, always think about where these fucking six bimbos are today. Like where the fuck they that they're still there. Like those people, you know, I'm not putting anybody down. But if if you need to do something like that and go outside at some place, how many people walk around, how many people like that, even they talk about running, can't get a fucking entourage. Like that's how trendy that fucking place is. That's where you walk to be seen. So if you're going to go up there and fucking do yoga, you're killing me. Yeah.

I hope a snake fucking bites you in the leg when you're a downward fucking dog right in the back of the fucking. Anyway, don't get me. That's like people that go to the gym and do push-ups. You know what I mean? It's like they're just doing it just to get attention. Yeah. Look at the Agostino dropping down. Because it bothers me because I'm trying to get on the machine and they're like blocking the machine so I can't get on the machine to do push-ups. So I'm like, you could do that a fucking home. Yeah. Like a year ago or six, seven months ago, I was going to go to Joey's trainer at the YMCA because like you were saying, if you had a friend doing it, but I feel like if I had an appointment with the trainer and they charge you if you

missed it, like I wouldn't I wouldn't miss it. But she never ended up getting back to me. But that is something I have to that's like the one thing that like I would have. I've lost 66 pounds on the juice. I would have lost 90 if I'd been working out. It's just something I'm bad at. But while we have a quick second, have you ever been on Hulu Plus? Yes, I actually have it. Oh shit. I mean, I love it. I still listen. I mean, we were talking the other day about how Joey's wife, my girlfriend, does your wife watch it? You know what we like to watch on there? What? I like to watch, I don't know, Fag, but I like to watch the cooking channel. They have all the shows from the cooking channel on there. I like to cook too, but the best show ever is Chopped.

Have you ever seen Chopped? Oh yeah, yeah. All the episodes and every time there's a new one that uploaded on Hulu. That's all on Hulu. That's on Hulu. Every episode. Every fucking time I talk to somebody, everybody's on fucking Hulu. Get on Hulu. Go to joeydeers.net, cut the shit, click on the box where they press Joey. Joey. Bam. Two free weeks. If you like it, you get it for $7.99 a month. That's nothing. That's eight fucking dollars. That's two fucking lattes and you can talk to your buddies and do all that fake shit. We don't drink motherfucking starbucks here or go to subway no more. We're anti-communist. When I first got Hulu, I thought it was going to be like Netflix. Like, oh, they only have these seasons and if I want to wait until the next season, I gotta wait a couple

months. But no, like every time there's a new episode, it's like having cable. Every week there's a new episode and you can go back and watch the old ones too. So I do that with Chopped. We watch it in bed together before we fall asleep and Chopped is like, it's like a contest of these guys that cook and they put like three mystery things in the box. They open the box and it's like pairs, fucking sushi. You know what I mean? Like these three items, they got to make like a whole meal out of it. And then like the judges taste it. It's fucking good. I know what you're talking about. You know what I'm talking about, right? It's not bad. That's a pretty innovative tech show. I like all that shit. I'm a little bit high right now. I have to watch it. You know what's amazing how

I've gotten a lot of emails, people thanking me about Hulu. I've had like two or three haters on Hulu, but I've had like 70, 80 people that thanked me and said, you know what, it's a good service. And yeah, they take your credit card or whatever, but nothing's free. Get your shit together. Go to Hulu, go to huluplus.com or go to joeydeers.net. Bang it out, Joey. Get two free weeks, 7.99 a month. Who the fuck's better than you? No one. You know what I'm saying? So you go to the gym, you eat some fucking honest products, you go home, you eat one of these hemp-forced protein bars, and you'll whack off. You're fucking, your zilder juice will be fucking purple and you'll be ready to rock and roll with the big boys. Oh shit. So you're going to Philly, and then you're at the

ice house? Yeah, but the ice house was another son of Philly from Don Marrera, and then we're together at the ice house, July 30th, with special guests for the live motherfucking podcast, $10 in Pasadena on a Wednesday night, Mad Flavor and the fucking Jew. If the show is good, they're taking them to a strip club this time and some chicks are still in his face. I will not be involved. I don't want to be involved in molesting Lee. I'm saving Lee for the big day when the girl farts in his face and Lee falls on his back like somebody in Judith's room. It's before we go, we got to get out of here, correct? I have a while. You got time? I got time. You guys are really young, and you guys take things, and it's funny and hysterical when I watch documentaries on TV

about how Bruce Lee changed the world. They show these kids talking about, oh yeah, his films are dynamic. Well, if that's why you think about Bruce Lee or whatever, or you read, like half these people that talk have only read three pages of his fucking books or whatever, and it breaks my mind. I just sit there and giggle that they asked the wrong people. And I'm going to give you the backstory to it so you fucking know. I never had a father. I had a stepfather. I never had a father, but all those years I didn't have a stepfather, the Green Hornet was huge. I remember watching Combat and the Green Hornet on Sunday nights and not knowing any English. That was big to me, but to see this Chinese guy doing fucking backflips. Are you fucking kidding me? Do you

have any idea? And you know, when I first watched Batman, like that was great. I remember putting a fucking towel around your neck while Batman was on. You ever do that? And you get like your mom's fucking die thing and put B on your cape and shit. But then Batman fought the Green Hornet. And I lived in hell. That was the first time I had ever been contradicted in my life because I was a Bruce Lee fan and I'm a fucking Batman fan. And now I'm cheering for Bruce Lee. And have you ever watched the episode? No. Green Hornet, Batman, click it. They don't fuck around. I'm trying to give you motherfucking knowledge. I'm trying to give the you. I didn't know Bruce Lee played Kato. I didn't know that. This is what I'm talking about. This is why I do that fucking Jamope. That guy.

Sorry about that. It's the afternoon fucking jizz from breathing fucking pollution in my fucking. Hold on. Oh my god. These are fucking. Let's see. Play Bruce Lee against Batman. I don't want to get careless and hurt Batman if we clash. You always have your gas gun, right? There he is. And we are both quite flexible. But there wasn't enough room to use my hornet. And TV shows used to be so like the sets and the costumes. This is crazy. Take your picture. What's the fight? We've never run away from. Bruce Lee fucks up fucking Robin. This is 1960 something, correct? Something like that. I'm three, four, five years old, losing my fucking mind in living room, punching shit, kicking my

mother's french poodle, just fucking going berserk. Batman just threw Robin on a guy. And look at Bruce with a little butler hat on. He didn't give a fuck. But that just goes to show you what Chinese people were in 1966. They were either butlers, they had a fucking restaurant, or they were a chauffeur. And that was bullshit. Look at Bruce in 1960. So look at this. Bam! Look at this. Bam! Look at sidekicks and shit. They go on YouTube. This is real. Now you're five. You're jumping up and down. You're about to kill your baby. So look at him. He just fucked him up. Now they stopped him. Look at him. Kato don't do dick. Kato don't do dick. And then to fuck with you, they made it a two-weeker. You had to wait till the following week.

Let's go. See? Oh shit. Let it play. In the classic tradition of the fish out of water. Oh shit. Oh I'm fucking dropping it on you motherfucker. So do you understand me? Then they canceled it. So this country was left with this gap. Oh they didn't go and finish the fight? No, they finished it. They brought it back the next week and they finished it. But then they canceled the Green Hornet. So I don't know what year. Let's pretend it's 69. So there's this fucking gap in this country. Now in this country when I moved here, and listen, let's be honest. I don't even fucking remember sushi. I don't eat Japanese futon. It was like 10. But there was an abundance of fucking Chinese food. My mother was a big Chinese food guy. In fact, she stabbed the waiter at the

Chinese place on 87th Street in the Broadway with a fork one time. This is all true shit. My mother was always in this place. Wanton soup, pork fry, rice, egg rolls, lobster cantonese. My mother loved lobster cantonese. Whenever I go to a Chinese restaurant, they have lobster cantonese in the menu. I get emotional, dog. Because that was my mother's shit. Only my mother and Jews eat lobster cantonese. That's the shit with the fucking whatever in it. Oga's juice, the fucking stripping lobster sauce juice. That's brilliant. Brilliant. So now I left this country with this fucking gap. And then the first movie to come out was a movie called The Big Boss. That's when it was released that in China. But here it came out as Fista Fury. And in that movie,

his cousin's missing and Oga bababa. And he goes to get him and they kill the cousin. Now he has to kill the whole fucking office. And at the end, he kills the man. It's a great movie. It really is a great movie. It took you. And that was the beginning of it. The real first martial arts movie that came out was Five Fingers of Debt. That's on Showtime. His hands would turn red. They were practicing the iron palm technique. I started on the Route 3 driving right off Seacork, motherfucking New Jersey right there. I don't even think it's Seacork. I'm telling you guys, I'm droppin' on you. But in the fourth grade, I'm watching Happy Days. Okay? And then the first commercial, you know, when you're fucking around with people, you hear like he's back.

Put on the trailer for the Chinese connection. Okay, so you're just a regular white kid. You're in Catholic school. You know, you got put in Catholic school. Obviously, because you got some type of issues that they can't figure out. Maybe you're retarded. Maybe you got ADD. Maybe you're hyper with me. I didn't have a dad at this time. Then my mom remarried, so now I'm acting out. The trailer for Chinese connection. Yeah, I'm trying to find. I thought you didn't know. I thought I was telling you something, buddy. I'm sorry. You know, I love you. By the way, the original Batmobile, the one that Adam Westrow, you know, it's like in Noho, right? I drive by it all the time. I forget. I'll find out

the street for you, but it's right around the corner from ha ha. And there's this big glass window in the storefront and that car is in there. Oh, you can just walk by and look up the window and see if they keep it in the front. Let's see what guy owns it. Let's see this one's it. Does it say trailer? Yeah. You see this shit? You see this shit? So they can watch an American TV. And also, this is the first commercial. But they're supposed to say shit. He's back. Okay, I think this one's just it. They have like Chinese, the Chinese letters with the English letters. Let's see if I can find a different one. You're slipping though.

Let's see here. Let's see this one. There you go. There you go. Well, think of, think of watching Modern Family today. And all of a sudden this comes flying Chinese people out of the fucking sky. And you're losing your goddamn mind. You're sitting there, your head's about to blow, but it's Tuesday. And you got to wait till Thursday for this movie to come on. You never, and then those days you didn't stand online, they would kill you. The movie theater

would go get the fuck home. You had to sit home and drive your mother crazy. You would just sit there and stare at the fucking clock to the boost. And I'm going to forget my stepfather picking me up Thursday night at the, at the thing go, what do you want to do this week? And we go, we're going to go right to the drive and movie that didn't come out until Friday at one of those days. And us going Friday night. And the Chinese connection is one scene where he goes back to the karate school and he calls out the whole school. And he does a fight scene, but he steps back and he puts two hands up and two guys get knocked out. When you see that, your mind the fucking blows up. And I used to, and after it came to the drive and like, once I caught the movie,

and then you went back to school and you talk shit. And then once it came to a union city cinema, that was what walking distance from my mother's bar. That's where I go with all my goombas. And my mother let me stay out late. So we go to the late movie and we catch a Bruce Lee, we were with the best thing, then the way home, there was Pona Corvo's deli. And they would put all the fruit boxes out, boxes, tons of boxes. So we would all release our tensions by beating up the fucking boxes. Two hours of Bruce Lee smack and fucking Chinese people. It was brilliant. But, you know, that's when you watch that, you see it. Then he released way of the dragon. And then, well, let me tell you something, the anticipation that he left in this country, like people had

a different respect for Chinese people. It's like, when I was watching the Julius Irving documentary on ESPN, you know, I'm watching this going, this guy did more for black people than, you know, him and Muhammad Ali have done more for black people through sports than the people that were supposed to be doing stuff for black people. You follow me because you accept them, you let them into your heart because this is a good basketball player. And bam, then they turn you on to earth with a fire and you're fucking done. It's all over the fucking shot. So my whole thing is that when you look at Bruce Lee, and I still, my guys, I was hooked. I was hooked. I wore the shirts. I wore the white shirt with the fucking black shirt

over in the pants and the shoes. My mother was worried about me. I'd have rice. I'd have rice in my room with chopsticks. And I'd have fucking the, I'd have your urns that burnt fucking incense. And I had posters of Bruce Lee everywhere. And we're all waiting for the Chinese. We're all waiting for the dragon. The picture's over now. Remember, there's no internet guys. So you had to go to a special comic book store and they would order the Chinese books from the magazines. And you have to get Chinese magazines to learn about Bruce Lee. This is deep, guys. This is not, you know, this is deep. We had to go to Chinatown to get black and white pictures of Bruce Lee's from the picture. You didn't just, this was underground type shit for the sets. And all of a

sudden we find out that this guy, everybody was going. If you sparred in the karate class, everybody, everybody made noises. Everybody was fucking, it went, these karate schools were packed. Kung Fu schools were packed. Every school was packed. It opened up a different avenue for people in this country. It opened up the, the, the karate, it just knocked the door down. Like you went from having eight students and really getting the money from them. Listen, it's the eighth of the month, your kid's got to fucking pay. You know what I'm saying? It went from that to people wanting to train. It became this whole thing. I remember going, guys, you look at me, you think I'm a fucker. Before all that shit went down, I was a tournament geek. I was a Gushenru Karate green belt that

we get in the bus with eight other idiots with white uniforms on and carrying your belt with the stripes on it. And we go to the Bronx and we put a cup on and compete. I didn't even have hair on my fucking cock or nothing. Nothing. I was just a little fucking kid that went over there and that was my life. At night, I remember going at night, like going home, doing homework, and my mother would go back to work and I would call my mother, go mom, go to Mario Diaz's house to do her sex. Mario Diaz is a Cuban Chinese kid in the fucking neighborhood. And I would go to his house. This kid, Glenn Cologne would go to his house. This kid, Steve Oronowski would go to his house. And you know what we'd do till midnight? We'd beat the fuck out of each other in the basement.

You were, he was a black belt in karate. You were a black belt in my keto. It was everybody's life. And all of a sudden Bruce Lee fucking died. And that was the first time I had really experienced that. It was Roberto Clemente and Bruce Lee. I was a young man that debts were fucking because I didn't know my father, you know, but those two, they were my fucking heroes. God. When Bruce Lee was gone, there was a couple months to that. My mother was worried about me, guys. That was deep. That was deep for not just me. Half a fucking America. Half a fucking America would take him. How can this guy die? He's got the fat content of nine percent. The headaches, the whatever, he died at somebody, Ping's house. It was just trash. So people really don't know what we're

going to celebrate the 40th fucking anniversary of this. And you got to sit there and go, what would it be? He invented MMA. Watch Enter the Dragon. Watch the first fight, Enter the Dragon. This fucking guy, he's getting all excited doing Bruce Lee moves. Watch the first fight, Enter the Dragon. This isn't an end with a fucking arm bar or something like that. And look who the guy is. It's that guy that had the show on CBS, biting his fucking ankle or whatever the fuck it was. Enter the Dragon's got some, my favorite of all time is Chinese Connection. That's the favorite one. They have it on YouTube in pieces, like in 10 pieces. So if you want to watch it.

And they got great. I mean, fucking tremendous fight scenes and Chinese Connection spinning back. One of my all time, it's on my DVR. I was going to say that. And I watch it once a week just for entertainment purposes, just to think to myself, Jesus fucking Christ, how lucky was I that I was alive and I saw the change he had. Anyway, did I give the shout out yet? I'm pretty fucking out. Yeah, I'm dying too. I'm pretty fucking out. I don't know how this happened. I still got a joint left. You don't know how this happened. You had three joints. What so? No, so what? That's an afternoon at the DSL.

I'm not, no, it's not bad. I'm just saying, you always, you always accept a surprise. Why am I so high? Cause you had two edibles today and you had smoked seven joints. All right, get it to happen. So like he said, we're doing Philadelphia this week, the ice house next week, and down the river called me up this morning. I was very impressed. I really was. I grew up fucking idolizing him. Right now, I'm starting to look around and go, Jesus Christ, I'm doing a podcast, but so is nice clay. These are the guys that made me do what I fucking do. Yeah. You know, that Rodney special still is my education. That's my four year college in comedy, you know, the Rodney special with Dom on it. With Dom on it. There's two of them.

There's two of them. There's one with Dom. There's one with Lenny Clark, Seinfeld, Bill Hicks, Kenison, Robert Townsend, Roseanne Barr. It's the biggest education in comedy, brother. That's good. So what did you guys were just talking about your show? And so it's just both of you, right? At the ice house. Do you enjoy just me and him in the Agostino? Yeah, I'll be hosting. Oh, shit. Don't 15 up front like a soldier. This is part of it. This is, I got to get him out there with me and he makes little corrections and little things. I hate listening to myself guys. I have not overcome that yet. That's the,

that's heavy duty psychiatry and needles in my nutsack. You want to torture me, tie me up and put earphones down with me listening to me and watch my face. I'd probably die. I've never listened to the podcast of you. I probably go into shock after six or seven minutes. I've listened to a podcast. Oh, okay. I can make little adjustments. That is about three or four minutes. And then I move on. I put my legs up and I open up a link and then I go back to it and I speed it up a little bit. I try to listen to something we said during the podcast. And it's very funny. The few times I'll listen to the podcast, what I've been listening to, to hear how it was said, we said something completely different

on the way up. That was like, Holy fuck, that was funny. You never know what the fuck you're saying. That's why I love this podcast because we just talk, bro. Nothing scripted here. I don't prepare and I ain't thinking about nothing. I got to talk about fucking and tell you the truth about on it. That's it. That's all I tell you motherfuckers. You know, my main man here tells me the worst or the best about who are we and selling you. All we're trying to do is get the party started. You're fucking mine. Spark that number. Do what you need to do. We'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning on Ustream at six AM. We're back to back time. Do you guys have seen it? What are you got going on? Fuck. Well, I'll be nice. I was with you. You were saying you're going to tape

something else for Nuva. Yeah. You already taped something for me. I didn't tape it already. I already taped. Oh, I taped season one and then they contacted me about season two. So I'm actually, I'm working on a, I got to send them like a, they want to see all new stuff. So I got to send them like, I got something to send them. You've been doing comedy for years and it's already moving and shaking for you. I'm proud of you. You know what? Yeah. Like, you know, whenever your birthday is coming up, you know, you always look back at what you did that year and you're like, yeah, what did I do this year? Did I procrastinate? But you know what? Like, I feel good this year. Like, I got married this year. I, you know, I got the one TV credit under my belt. I'm working with you. You know, I

feel good. How is that being 25 and being married? Cause I, it freaks, like I have friends getting married now and it freaks me out just thinking about it. Well, um, well, you've been with her for seven years. Yeah, it has to be like the right, it's got to be the right chick. So, you know, a lot of people think I could never be married at that age, but if it was the right girl, you could. You know, she's like one of my best friends. We have a good time together. We hang out, we enjoy each other's company. It's not hard. Okay. Yeah. Because Joe, you got married, what, like 27, someone got like that? Something like that. Yeah. Well, I have friends who have kids now and are getting married. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I was not ready. Yeah, I'm not ready. I was not ready

emotionally. I was not ready mentally. I was not prepared for the whole commitment of marriage. If you are at that age, God bless. A lot of people have done it. I hate when somebody says they're too young to get married. Nobody plans to get married at 21. Nobody leaves high school going, you know what? Yeah. I'm going to get married next year. It's just for a second. You know, it's so weird how people try to plan shit in their lives. You know, when people say to me, well, we're getting married in four years, I want to reach across and smack them in the fucking mouth. Yeah. Four years. What are you fucking? You know what I mean? Well, I want to face law school and he wants, that's not going to work out. Yeah. Go now. Go now. Today, get it

over. We go over this drive-up. You're going to wait four years. You got four more years on your own. You can both be living together. You got a piece of ass right there, laundry. You get the cat. Everybody take, you know what I'm saying? Why are we waiting? We love each other. Yeah. Before I got married, somebody told me like, why are you going to wait until you get a better job? Are you going to get to make more money? Move in and that's going to help you get ahead. That's going to help you. You're going to help each other. She's going to school, help her with their studies. You guys sit there and work it all out together. So, it's a little partner. The biggest thing for me is, and I've had this girl staying over the past couple of weekends and I love it,

but I love my alone time. So, I miss her when she's gone, but I'm also like, okay, I have my place back. Yeah. Like, is it weird being around someone all the time? Like, I feel like I need my alone time. I work so many hours and we're in opposite schedule. She's nine to five. I'm, you know, I'm five to two a.m. Yeah. So, when I come home, I'm like, I haven't seen you all day. It's nice. We don't really get even to talk. I get one day off and I appreciate it with her. But then again, like when she's at work and I'm there in the daytime by myself, I don't mind it. I like to have my, you know, like do things, go out with friends, watch a movie by myself, you know? Yeah. Joe, you love your alone time, but you've been lived with Terry for what, 15 years or something

like that? But again, I work nights. She works days. I enjoy my time. I gotta be honest with you, I was with a couple of them before Terry. I enjoy that little time with her. And you know it. You know when you went to a woman at that little time, there's everything in the world, whether it's just walking the Jumbo Juice or taking a fucking ski trip or whatever the fuck you do, you know? You know? Yeah. And you try to keep it at that level. Like, I really worked hard. When I was married, when I was younger, I didn't work at marriage at all because I didn't think you had to. I thought that you just got a ring, you had a party, everybody came and everything worked itself out. No fucking way. You got to sacrifice just like everything else. When you do comedy, you sacrifice,

correct? Yes. People have no fucking idea. People have no fucking idea. You know, and to be a good comic and take up to that level, it takes even more sacrifice to really dig in. I see people are on a path all of a sudden, they tell me they're taking, you know, three weeks of vacation, and I'm sitting there going, there's no vacation in this. It's like a mafia. There ain't no time off. There's no cards, there's no bonus plan. You got to work while you're walking, while you're living, while you're breathing, you know? Yeah. Take a vacation when you're fucking 60. Go down there and sit like old men by the sea and drink cocktails. Fucking vacations and cookies. If it was up to me, I'd close all the fucking ships. I remember you got to work every fucking day vacation. You want to

vacate, come back. You're going to go in front of a judge to earn a fucking vacation. That's how I would do it. You're the only person who doesn't like vacation. Because too many people take advantage of it for no fucking reason. And I was around a lot of fake people who would live their life. They would judge their life by their vacations. I was surrounding that one time in my life, and they didn't see it. I saw it. They just lived for vacation to vacation. And then years later, I realized I was stupid because that was what their life was about. Who was either judge, but it was very funny. And they all mind fucked each other. So it wasn't like you and Lee were tight and you and the wise one. No, no, no, no. You try not to outdo each other. So there were six

people outdoing each other twice a year. We're going to Bangladesh. Oh, no, no, no. We're going to India to feed blankets. Oh, no, no, no, no. We're going to Australia. We're going to save sharks and bloody gulls. And we're going to suck them up. Gibson's dick. Everybody, you know, it became something else, but just going away. It was like going away to show something, to show people know like, we just came back from Vietnam. Oh, you know, we fed kids. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm a vacation driver. Really? When I, when I go on vacation, I'm still working. I'll find a spot to do somewhere. It's after three fucking days. If you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. After your fuck sucked, had a bloody marriage, got a suntan, stayed up late till two and got up two days.

You're like, okay, yeah, I'm here for 10 more fucking days. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I haven't taken it. The only vacation I get is when I go home, once a year. There ain't no more fucking vacations. There ain't no more going home. I don't want your mom out here no more. She ain't allowed. Send her a fucking Skype. She's come out twice. And she always flies out Monday during the fucking podcast. Skype cuckuck. Skype sent pictures, waves. Lee, where are you from in Massachusetts? I was, I grew up in Sudbury, which is out by like 45 minutes outside of Boston. I used to stay in Clinton Mass for a little while. Okay. All right. Yeah. I, Joey used to tell me, and like, I have friends who just moved out here, and they're like, Oh, I miss home.

Once you go home once or twice, you're like, I don't miss it anymore. Did you grow up mostly here? Um, what do you mean? Do I go up where? Like, where did you grow up? Oh, I grew up mostly here. Yeah. Right down the corner. Yeah. Actually, I was told me out on the way over here. I passed my parents' house. That's my parents' house right there. Oh, okay. Yeah. So are you driving? Well, that's when I lived on Burbank. That's when you saw me leaving from my house. I just moved over like closer to Joey now on the other side. Oh, okay. Nice. Just sit together. What's with the question? Yeah. It's only a podcast where we interview each other.

What do you got planned for your birthday? Tell me, I feel bad. I'm not going to be here with my little brother. No. And someone asked me if like, do you have a joy to the bar? I'm like, if Joey was here and I invited him to the bar, he might like wait till like the day after my birthday and like homie said, like, why are you inviting me to a bar for? Well, I'm going to take you to dinner like a gentleman. I ain't going to go to the fucking bar with you. The fucking sperm swallow with a tube take with a little sperm breath with a Chinese friend and all fucking people. They ain't your soldiers, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You like this broad? I rather you get like a nice little steak sent over. Did you get a robe yet? No, I can't get my dad had a robe.

I'm sorry, I can't. Listen, dawg, today, go online, go to the fucking big and tall store. What am I going to get? What? Why do I need a robe for? Like a silk one. A silk one. Your dad didn't have silk slippers. And here's where the magic comes in. You got to have some roses and you get some fun. You got a little silk pair on these to match your robe. Drop it out of the Augustine. Get a little silk. Fucking you don't know nothing about nothing. It's your birthday. Put the pocket on the front and then have your like the flying shoe initialed on it. You'll be topped with her little silk panties on. You're going to eat her pussy with that fucking robot on your 25th birthday. Who's better than you? What do you want? Do you want to hang out with her?

Or you want to hang out with sperm tooth with a fucking insurance card? No, that's not that's one thing. I that's it. You get some strawberries. You put one in her asshole, you know, lick that fucking clip, massage her asshole with the strawberry. Those little shells from the strawberry, the seeds, they scrub the particles from her asshole, the smooth and everything else. When you machine gun them up for your tongue, you don't pick up no shrap, no, no particles. There's no way the strawberry would explode. That's what you're doing for your 25th birthday. You're going to fucking lick her. You're going to lap that shirt and tie into the robe like Ricky Ricardo. Like a soldier. That's what you should wear. A robe with a shirt, a tie on, completely

naked. And one of those cigarettes that had the extension on it. Right. With socks and fucking banging up those insurance sales in the shoes. Don't embarrass me. Get yourself a nice shoes, a VD garbondi. Do you know what I'm saying? I have no idea what you're saying. You know what I'm fucking saying. I don't even know if you have a garbondi inside. Just make it up. Happy birthday to you. Thank you. Happy birthday, Lee. Happy birthday. You're sitting in the week. July 25th. Yeah. So we'll do something next week. We're going to state that somewhere. Oh shit. It's your birthday. Play some music. 25. Yeah. So this one's a weird one. Like I look back to, but like the number 25 is a little weird. So Jesus. So what you're trying to tell me is February of

88 is when I turned 25. Yeah. I was born in July. That's very fucking sad. Why? Just going to tell you how sad of a fucking life I had. That's very fucking sad. 88. I don't even know what the fuck I was doing at that time already. I had already kidnapped Bella, correct? You were younger than me when you kidnapped him? Yeah. I kidnapped him November of 87. Oh Jesus. So my 25th birthday, this is what my head was completely. At 25, think what you guys are. I'm so proud of you. Think of what you guys are. At least you have a head. I had nothing. February of 85. I had 88. I don't even know. I was living with Manny in Boulder and waiting to go on trial. Jesus. I was working at a fucking Hertz.

Oh, like the rental car? I was a manager trainee, which meant I washed cars. And I delivered cars and I rented cars out with a fucking plaid shirt on. And in those days, you know how much I slept? An hour and I didn't. And at that hour, I would fucking go to work on that hour, go to work till five and ride my bicycle there and back. I lived on 49th Street, the Hertz was on 26th Street. I'd ride it there and back. I'd come home, smoke a joint, take a shower, hit the bag, I'd walk my dog out of German Shepherd and then Hercules. I'd eat dinner. And at about 10 o'clock, I'd start snorting. I'd make believe I was going to bed night. In those days, I had a roommate, Manny, that sold drugs, sold coke when he drove a cab.

He was a teacher in the daytime. This is a true story. Jesus. A school teacher in the daytime, and he drove a cab at night, and he also sold coke. And he got his coke from a tremendous fucking Mexican drug dealer. Out of the cab or no? He drove it, he sold it out of his house, but he had like three or four counts that were heavy duty. But he smoked so much coke that he lost count of what he would have. And I would buy $20 from him, but I'd steal $400 from him. He would hide it in the garage, but he'd be so paranoid in his bedroom that he wouldn't hear me going into the garage. So I would go into the garage and rob his own coke, and I'd see him the next morning, breakfast, and he'd go. He'd be shaking his head, and I'd go, what's up? He'd go,

man, I smoked, and he was smoking coke. He thought he did it all. He goes, man, I got it. I fucking smoked a half ounce the other day. I could only do an eight ball. That was me upstairs snorting that shit, whacking off. That's why you don't get high in your own supply. Staying up all night was fucking terrible. And right before I got married, he asked me, what's going to pull you aside? He goes, that whole time you live with me, were you stealing coke from me? I don't know. It always felt so bad. And I talked to him about two weeks ago. We just talked about it. Yeah, we talk all the time still. I really loved him, but I was addicted. He had ounces. He had ounces. He had a paint can full of it, full of it. Paint cans, you know what I'm saying? It was cleaned. And the guy would

give him paint cans and put the kilos in there. And he would be in the garage and be hitting the bag and I looked to see and I'd wait till he'd go in the shower. And I'd open up the cans and I'd just scoop out like a rock and put in a piece of paper and put in my shorts. That's how much he had in the garage. Kilos. Jesus. 2.2 pounds, three cans. I had a robber. I had no choice. I had to. Just on principle. It was fucking terrible. I feel bad till I still talked to him someday, but he'd give me a check for 10 grand and go. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I've already done it. I've already taken care of people. Have you really? Yeah, I got a conscience. But for stealing coke from somebody? Whatever. For putting them in a bad position at one time. Even if it was $10,000,

I sent them 520 years later. Who does that? Nobody does that. Nobody does that. It's off the credit report. By that time, it's off the credit report. I've already taken care of four or five people who I put in a bad position. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't even know I put them in a bad position really. Maybe two of them knew. Two of them guessed. The other three didn't know. And when I sent it to them, they called. They said, what is this for? And I said, just take it. And about a month later, they called back and I go, I know what that's for. Oh my god. What about Michael's jeweler? Are you going to send him something? Yeah, I'm going to send him a fucking fake ring. No. I've always felt bad about that, but he died. You know, he kept in touch with some guy and he

would always ask him about me. And the guy told him about what was going on in my life. And he said that one time, he showed him the longest yard card, the longest yard. I had trading cards when I first came out and I gave my buddy a card. My buddy called me like a month later. He goes, I see Michael's jeweler and I show him the card. These things probably. Oh, good. Well, yeah, he got insurance from that anyway. Yeah, it's not like I robbed him and left him out there, but it's true. I had to take, you know, I don't remember. Every time, when I lived in snowmast was the worst. I was addicted to robbing. And in those days, the closer you got to me, the closer I got to robbing. Unless I really liked you. Like, if I didn't like one thing about you,

I robbed you. I just wait for the perfect time when you got a shipment of money in. You got paid on a Friday or something. And there was this one guy who lived, you got to go. There was this one guy who lived upstairs, you know, his motherfuckers that come over every night and mooch from you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He would always knock. Did I tell this story in the podcast to you? The moment you jumped over. Yeah, I think his name was Ken, but he was from Kentucky. And he always showed up, smoked our weed, ate our food, and then he drank with Jimmy. And Jimmy was told, and Jimmy was nice, he said, the world God bless his soul. He would say to me, dog, that fucking guy is taking advantage of us. And I didn't want to say it.

At that time, I was really trying to change. So I made a promise. Anything that came to my mind, I'd give myself 10 minutes and I'd think about it and I go, what the fuck, I'm robbing anyway. Became once come down to eat a salami sandwich, but this came coming out every night for lobsters. Oh, yeah, he knew we had lobsters. I used to rob lobsters from the city market. He knew all that shit. This went on for like six months. And one day I just asked him, I said, dog, you ever going to bring anything down? And he went pout and got insulted. Man, fuck you, man. Fuck you. That's a lie. I always got my own food. And then he stopped coming down for a while. And then one day this motherfucker, I figured that he thought about it.

Like if he was a real man, he'd go, you know, Joe, he's right. One day this bitch comes downstairs and is telling me how his grandma would send him $300. That's the first time he's going to get to go out to Aspen tonight and drink. And I'm looking at this guy, go, this guy's cheap as fuck. And in those days, there was no ATM. There was maybe one at Aspen and the banks were closed. So I knew he had the money in his house or in his wallet. Uh-oh. So I'm like, this guy's, so everybody went out. It was a Friday night. Everybody went out. And I mean, and I had money. This is how crazy I was. And I had money, but I go, I'm going to buy Coke tonight with the money I steal from Kentucky. And it was a balcony,

the balcony right above me. And I put a table and a chair and a chair on top of that, a little ladder on top of that. And a little by little, I climbed up and I grabbed down, I pulled myself up. Anybody could have seen me. I went in, sliding door, went in, fucking learned, couldn't find it everywhere, couldn't find it. Finally, I went back in, I lived on this bicycle and I have a little thing like in the back of the bike. And I opened it up in the day and the Band-Aid thing was $200 bills. I clipped that motherfucker and went down, bought a gram of blow, got some beers and went back to remember the next day, first day in the morning. Hey, man, can I talk to you guys? Somebody broke up my house and Robby and Jimmy Burkle knew.

Right there, Jimmy's like, Joey fucking got you. God damn it. I didn't know when, but I knew it was when, because once I marked you, that's it. But I always think of Kentucky and where he is to me. Kentucky. Kentucky. Probably still tells that story. And I moved fucking Robby. I remember for days, he kept saying, man, whoever did it better come clean with me. Like, he knew I did it. And he would say, whoever did it better come clean with me. I've already got the fingerprints. I already gave him to the Snowmass police department. Sure you do. He told me, go, how did you get the fingerprints? He goes, I got Scott's tape. I learned it on TV one time, man. I got the fingerprint off the Scott's tape and shit.

This stuff only does happen to you. Only happened to me. So what did we learn today? We talked about a hookah with a cast. We talked about Nouveau TV. We talked about relationships. We covered everything for the people. We covered Hulu. We covered fucking on it. We covered Philadelphia. We covered not going to college. Where else can you get this for the entertainment fucking dollar? Nowhere. Nowhere. So that's it. We love you. Pay attention to Twitter. Like I said, we're in Philadelphia Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Next week I'll be at the ice house. Leo be at the Saturday shows for sure. Or both of them. If I, if I can, I'll be at both. Yeah. Depending on what I get. If I get this job. Yeah, we'll all be there. You'll be taping the show.

Leo be up there shaking hands. I got a few t-shirts I'm going to give away. Then the 30th is the podcast live. Great guest. Great fucking guest. We're not going to leak who are you. He's a big Hollywood star. He got AIDS and other fucking diseases and shit. I love it. He's going to tell you about his life with AIDS and fucking people in the ass. Shoot bazooka juice and they're fucking on it. I was just telling my man over here that he knows this girl. That's Arabian. And she's fucking beautiful. A little on the chunky side, but her face is beautiful. I don't give a fuck if they're chunky. I like them big guys. I like it. You know what I'm talking to. And I would love to come in her eyes. She has those Arabian eyes. How did he just come up with

that? Nobody's ever coming in Arabian style. I just came in her eye. So every time you see it, she gives you the evil eye. She means it. I love you guys. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Lee, you got anything to tell me? De Agostino, what are you got coming up? You with me? I'm with you at the ice house. Portland. I'm taking you. We're going to have a good time. What's the Portland September? Uh, yeah, September. September healing. I'm going to New York. I can't take it in New York, but I can take you to fucking Portland, Oregon. All right. Do you have a Twitter? Yeah, I'm on Twitter. Augustino Zoyda. Augustino's AGO, S-T-I-N-O. Not like the month of August AGO. And Zoyda. Zoyda is Z-O-I-D-A. So it's at Augustino Zoyda. Well, it's a heart. It's not like Jim Miller.

Zoyda. Everybody knows Zoyda. I can't see I-O-D-A. See, he just said it. He just spelled it wrong. Z-O-I-D-A. It's the same thing. I-O will come up to you while you're typing. You're like, Oh, it ain't this. It's that. Oh, it's this. It's like a brain surgery. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me, guys. Happy birthday, Lee. I didn't even know. For you women out there, do me a favor. Totally happy fucking birthday. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want to lick his gougats. Please don't. You get to make a fucking space for his birthday? No, no. Lee's a fucking good man, dog. We, uh, you know, I better not find out. You went to Hollywood and hung out with those fucking stiffs.

Because I will go down there and pull you out of their head first, you understand? You're gonna fly back from Philly just for that? Oh, I know. They're gonna tell you that they're going to Culver City or Century City. No, no. There's this bar that's so cool. It's always that one of you just look in the face and go, No, we're doing it by my house. There's a panterra deli with all you bagels. And I'm gonna go home and give mama a hard one. Because that's all that matters on your 25th birthday. Yeah, that's what that's all I want to do. Telling you right now is you're older brother. You're with mama. You spend your drink with mama. You take one of those fucking roaches. You roll a bazooka. You smoke two fucking hits.

Want me to leave you a chibochu? No, I can't give her a chibochu for the first time. Because no one, that's like giving someone fucking. You're not gonna give her the whole fucking dick. Lee, you're not gonna give her the whole thing. You're gonna give her the same piece I gave you even less, like a third of it. Sure, why not then? You give her a little piece, you eat the other piece, and you both melt. You both die. You both melt in each other. Have you ever made love on medical mail? No, that's what I want to do. Ah, you see who loves you more than me? Taksaka. But right away, and let me tell you something, if you're taking the next level, you take this little chibochu, you cut it in half, you roll it up like a little ball,

you put like a needle on it, and you cut the tip off, and you just, all you're bagging it, you just massage your little ass off, make it go in and out of your muffler, just to give you a little shot to T-H-C. Wait, and my muffler or hers? Yours. Oh, why? Then you're both high. You're both looking at each other. You ask yourself why. You're fucking terrible. Focus this shit. Oh, shit. All right, I love your cucks. All right, guys. Have a great week. Stay black. Love everybody. Put some music on for you. Enjoy. Go to joeideas.net. Get your t-shirt and sign up for Hulu. Cut the shit. Yeah. Now that the show's over, go to joeideas.net and sign up for your free trial, Hulu Plus. Start watching your favorite

head shows right now. Go to our homepage at joeideas.net, click the banner for your extended free trial, or go to huluplus.com slash joey. Again, the Hulu Plus banner at joeideas.net, or huluplus.com slash joey. Why are you playing? There we go. How long have they got to wait for musically? What is this? Oh, shit. We're killing you, motherfucker. You pissed that. This is heavy duty off the album. Palazzo. What a badass. How long has he ever made? He just taken to the next level right here. Whip over that.