Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #072 | ROBERT KELLY | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

Welcome to Uncle Joey's Joint..... It’s Wednesday, June 9th..... Today we talked with the Great, ROBERT KELLY….. This episode is brought to you by DraftKings & CBDLion..... Go to https://www.DraftKings.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY or CHURCH And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #RobertKelly The JOINT is Produced/Co-Hosted by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canada [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Wednesday the 9th of June welcome to the fucking joint the joint is brought to you by draft Kings listen NBA season is in full fucking kickoff playoff mode money is easy to be made right now the lines are still soft the first round just fucking finish when the second round you got Brooklyn Milwaukee you got fucking Utah against the clip is coming off a big fucking victory off the Mavericks and you got motherfucking the sixes playing fucking Atlanta Atlanta's already up I don't know if they won last night I got a check and see I didn't fucking put the bed in anything last

night but draft Kings is fucking solid you understand me this is the way to go basketball ain't your thing fucking tremendous lines on baseball draft Kings will send you an email every day about a special they're doing whether this guy's gonna score the over for a dollar when $55 the casinos great the sportsbook is great and I fucking love them so do me a favor download the draft Kings sports book app right now and pressing code Joey and be ready for the whole week of fucking basketball playoffs you don't want to miss this especially tonight we got tremendous games on I think it's Brooklyn at Milwaukee they beat him

already by 30 what do you think it's gonna happen in Milwaukee who the fuck knows you're gonna know once you fucking download the draft Kings sports book app and they also have a fantasy app that'll rock your motherfucking world both of them press code Joey but there's something I gotta tell you it real quick must be 21 over go get your fucking skateboard cocksuckers I don't need your fucking gambling through here you're too young to be fucking gambling resident New Jersey fucking Indiana and Tennessee all right new customers only restrictions do apply read the fucking draft Kings whole thing before you sign

in and if you have a game problem call 1-800 with it in fucking Indiana or if call 1-800 gambler in Indiana and if you're fucking anywhere call 1-800 get with it but if you don't have no problems and you shouldn't have no problems because I'm only doing 25 hours of fucking game two three nights a week just to watch the games they're on fucking TNT just entertain yourself so again download the draft Kings sports book app today pressing code Joey I'm gonna make your fucking world this weekend the joint is also brought to you by my favorite CBD lion fucking tremendous do me a favor go to the CBD lion website and read

the third party lab results learn of what the fuck is going on with you do you have anxiety do you have pain what do you have CBD lion will help you read read up on CBD CBN CBY and which products could help you whether it's the roller whether it's the cream whether it's the tape they've got pills they've got you could smoke it look at this drag fucking CBD lion gives it to you have the other single way right now you got knee pain ankle pain get the fucking cream get the tape go to CBD lion right now and press in Joey or church and get 10% off I think it's 20 who the fuck knows take a chance

Columbus did and fucking get 20% off your order delivered right the house CBD you don't have to buy some fucking GED fucking recipient at a gas station and that's it and that's that is here motherfuckers it's a beautiful day to be alive it's been a couple great weeks you know I had a great fucking weekend I told you guys on Monday I went to an AC DC tribute band fucking tremendous live music for the first time in 15 months it was great to fucking see on the day it was AC DC Bond Scott on the way out my daughter looks at me she's like what no back in black I almost

fucking died I don't know no back in black don't worry about it darling Saturday Sunday we swam Monday you got the fucking podcast and there's a lot of things going on we got a weed brand we got Uncle Joey releasing his own fucking weed brand July 16th I will keep you guys posted through the ice cream cake shop in studio motherfucking city we got an offer on the fucking book so I'll be coming to show soon we're still right we're still on chapter fucking seven don't don't get all excited seven yeah chapter seven so we're hustling we hustle you know but it's timeless and this is a long fucking

saga look at me and Ryan sickler we've been at it for a year we're only up to 1987 or some shit like this so relax I got a lot of good things NFTs are coming mid-month the cups are running late for my patreon beautiful people the NFTs will be on fucking point for my patreon beautiful people and everything is great I had a little fucking breakthrough this week which we will talk about on fucking Monday I had to practice what I preach I did smoke a little reefer I've been smoking a little reefer at night loading up the pipe going outside and smoking no more smoking in the house I made a rule but I

get my little pipe and I go outside and I take two fucking hits I'm smoking that 35% am I getting as high as I want I told you it's gonna take another fucking month another month or two but I will be ready to smoke with you live July 16th when my two fucking herbs get released and then we'll all be fucking party and but yeah I did fucking get high last week and it was pretty fucking good I still gave the edibles a week I went back on the tee but I just put two bags in there now I'm feeling better I keep fucking losing weight I'm working out like a lunatic I'm getting vitamin D I'm doing all the things you got to be

doing I'm spending time with my fucking family I don't miss LA I'm happy here in Jerry's been fucking great great couple weeks you guys could see it you guys have seen the growth on the podcast this is not a podcast have you seen grown that we've added stuff or whatever with this podcast I hope you're learning that you watch me make a huge adjustment I was a mess when I got off that fucking plane and today I'm still not up to 100% I'm still not doing stand-up but at least we're making plans at least we're writing we're doing different things it was funny this week and I did something that I never thought I'd do I made up

with a brother of mine that I haven't spoke to in 12 years 12 years ago we got into a slight argument over something stupid and I was hard-headed and I said fuck I'm never gonna talk to that cocksucker again but he was the reason why I moved down here because I used to come down here and visit him Saturday night my wife went to a fucking concert let it skin it tribute and I had the baby and I dropped her off at my friend's house to go swimming with their kids and I had to take a ride I had to go to CVS I ended up by the house so I drove past the house and I saw that he still lived there the house was gorgeous

and then I called my sister that night and I asked him if she had heard from him and she goes you know he calls from time to time and he cries he you know you're his brother you're the only his other two brothers died and I'm the only one that's left and his mother died so you know me dog I'm a hard-headed fuck when I get pissed off at you I get pissed off at you but I had to practice what I preach on here and I had to make somebody's day you know so I went over there with my daughter he hugged me he cried he broke down we both cried and broke down his name is Chrissy fish so he made me some fucking lobsters he made

me some fucking shrimp I dropped off some edibles from yesterday I'm gonna start delivering fish with him once a week to help him out because he's getting old and I like it you know you got to be in the fucking hunt hunt's point market at 330 in the fucking morning arguing with fucking Italians and and the Japanese people trying to buy sushi it's a fucking blast when he had the business out of the foot market I used to go over there with him and deliver we were done by one we stopped at a few restaurants a few supermarkets and we're done by fucking one o'clock we're back down here he'll drop me off and I think

he's gonna give me a couple yardsticks a day I don't even give a fuck it's just something to do and I get to help him out he's 64 he has a hard time carrying shit and that's it it felt good man it felt really good to go over there and talk to him it's fucked up when we have a brother or somebody close to us that we stopped talking to over something stupid you know it was something stupid it was it was a ticket or something like that you know you got a ticket with my car or something and then I don't know what the fuck happened but sometimes you just got a fucking swallow your pride and be a man and go over there and I did

it and I feel a lot better for it and that's it and that's that this weekend we have a guest he's a great fucking guy I've known him for 20 years fucking solid New Yorker makes me laugh at my ass off I like to welcome you mr. Robert Kelly enjoy cock suckers it's my brother Robert Kelly looking good like a motherfucker how you doing pal good listen Matty look depressed all of a sudden yeah I'm good I just got back from the gym I'm a little get my shit together that's nice a nice cigar after the fucking gym you just worked the lungs

look at you like a fucking old-school Cuban look at you all you need is a wig and you could be a Cuban grandmother you got to see those Cuban grandmothers like those fucking cigars they don't give a fuck the cigar outweighs them good what type of cigar is that any good this is my favorite cigar on the planet earth Hoyo it's a limited edition 2013 the Epicure Grand Epicure Cuban the medicans are Cubans Cuban okay Russell Peters fucking sweetest guy on the world best dude ever I mean I went to his house and he handed me a box in my favorite cigars fucking crazy who the fuck does that well he's that's why he's

who he is because he's as fucking great as a guy as can be you know that yeah he's as great as I mean he's fucking I mean do that shit right there I'll fuck I'll die for you yeah that's why people the way they are with him he called me for a favor a couple months ago done you know because I know that he's that type of motherfucker it'll just come through for you how are you Rob Kelly I'm doing good buddy it's good to see you it's been a long fucking time I'm an old man now I haven't seen you in 20 fucking years it's been a long fucking since Houston are Houston days with Pete remember do you remember fucking you

know I just saw him a year and a half ago he came to one of my shows and we hung out he loved you he loved me and you that we ran that club you and me the locals used to get pissed they were like fucking these Yankees headline and we would go down and destroy that fucking room do that fuck that room the Houston with the last stop the last stop he ran it I mean he was a fucking nutcase too I loved him oh my god he would drink those Yeagers he would do a bottle of Yeager at night we were doing over there a bottle of fucking Yeager we were doing yeah there was always that moment where you're fucking fucking with him but

where he looks at you and that fucking scar and is he like oh shit he's about to fucking he's about to cut my head off with something dog he would get fucked up with us those are some old-school that club was they never had another club like that that now do you remember the open mics on Monday they went till 2 in the morning and there'd be 300 people in there on a Monday night I yeah I remember I would go to that club I would stay extra day me too yeah you stayed and I would we would we would hook up the Xbox at like 2 30 in the morning in the main room we'd hook up the Xbox and play Call of Duty until like five and I mean

I remember the fucking chicks were outrageous I mean outrageous the girls that would come down to see the shows Texas girls a different man if they're very sweet nice they're down to down to get funky and they like to eat which I liked they'd always be like let's go get some food and three in the morning you're beating like some chicken fried steak with eggs somewhere the first time I played that club I was a feature for Bobby Slayton that's funny I got in on a Wednesday night I was fucking I needed a line of coke like you wouldn't fucking believe I didn't know nobody in Houston and I'm sitting at the bar

thinking about fucking I'm gonna have to get one of the dog guys to drive me to the hood and get some coke and I see this beautiful girl and she comes over to me and she goes are you the comedian yes and she's like I'm are you Cuban we started talking she's Cuban she's Colombian I go listen I don't mean to insult you can you get a package and she goes yeah my brother what do you need and she goes I'm with my date but I'll drop them off and get your package and bring it back I thought she was bullshitting me she showed up at the fucking room remember the old hotel they had that before the hotel got washed

out Houston the best thing about the laugh stop was they had a hotel that they put you at and Willie Nelson had stayed there fucking every great country performer every Jimi Hendrix had been there it was just that type of hotel the doors didn't lock all you had to do was go back to that hotel grab a beer and go out into the patio and within five minutes somebody would come to you whether it was five in the morning or four in the morning there was always some lonely person in that hotel and next thing you know you were in their room snorting coke eating ass fucking drinking smoking pot it was fucking

tremendous what a I missed that club when it closed I was there I went there and I'm middle for Dane when Dane was doing clubs and I remember at the end of the weekend he walked up to me he's like fuck I fuck him I want you I want you fucking back and I was like well alright he goes you're fucking headline here I'm gonna bring you back three times a year you're gonna fucking build up a fan base and you'll fucking sell this place out and that's exactly what he did he built a fan that's what clubs some clubs suck because they won't give you the shot to build a fan base he will bring me back three times a year and I

would just murder every time and he built this fan base up around me and then they just started coming so when I first went it was good second time it was great the third time fourth time it was just fucking sold out lying out the door and he built that around me as like one of his his guys but I never stayed at hotel I made him I like I'm a boutique guy I like a boutique hotel I like a little boutique downtown you know what I mean weird fucking bed a fucking huge pillow with some weird shit on it you know maybe a kooky chair he used to put us up at the intercontinental for a while after that hotel went down because

that hotel died in the flood right so then he would put you up at the intercontinental hotel one night Felipe went down there and when Felipe was fucking crazy like 2004 2005 Felipe went down there and had a party in his room and they lit the curtains on fucking fire and fucking I got a call from Pete on Monday like Joey what the fuck is going on with this kid he lit the curtains on fire you know it was it was a tremendous fucking story and I heard that he was up all night and he went to the open mic and just leveled the fucking open mic Pete was like boy he was fucked up but he went up there and the drugs

went away he just leveled that fucking room it was such a great room man it was a great room I gotta actually I think it's I got the audio somewhere I snapped one of my you know I don't snap too much on snade but I fucking snapped a couple times the audio is on the internet somewhere but I was in there I did my first album my first Robert Kelly lives my first CD I did at that club Pete Pete was like fuck it because nobody would give me a shot like just fucking do it here he put the CD recorder in there for me so that I could do my album he went and paid the fucking money had him hook it up and hook Mike

the crowd and I think it was the last night this little cocksucker in the front row just fucking arms broke like it's almost like he came to let me know fuck I don't like you the whole show and I lost my fuck I got so mad and snapped so bad that other couples were leaving like they were like fuck this I'm out and I was like screaming I respect you at least you get up and left cuz you're a fucking man this spineless cocksucker just sitting there and it's on on what it's on the audio for at the lab stuff it was fucking great Rogan taped the CD there and then he released it there he had a release party

what that's great and the night of the release party I hid in the back room and while he was on stage I came out behind the naked and he kept talking he didn't know I was naked I was naked with the cape open like I came out like that and some chick fucking taped it she still has it it was online for a while Rogan turns around I started chasing with my dick out it was fucking tremendous the crowd went nuts I still remember looking to the back and people in the back were standing on their chairs just fucking clapping it's amazing what happens when you take your clothes off on a stage people go fucking nuts if I took my I

won't be able to pull that stunt my nuts sacks it down to my fucking knees I take my nuts out now they call 911 and next you know black lives matter shows up I'm done you know I'm saying Joey I pissed I pissed the other day on my nuts that's how big my nuts are I sat down to pee cuz I was too old I can't stand to pee all the time I gotta sit down in the morning and just fucking kind of tuck everything in and lean over a little bit make sure it's not going through the seat in the ball and I actually pissed on my nuts that's how big my balls on that well let me tell you something when I did the knee surgery the redo I went

to take a shit one night and I sat down and I actually when I went to sit down I picked up that my ass stuck to the toilet seat and my ball sack went under the toilet seat and I sat on my ball sack with the knee surgery you have no idea the confusion I had you don't know what to do get up sit down my dick look like my balls look like a waffle for like three fucking days they were flat with the little edges in it and shit I'd blood in you know I didn't piss any blood so I'm alright but my nuts are fucking a hundred percent balls of steel so that's the only reason why I didn't fucking bleed but we're getting that old that you

got to watch IP standing up I don't even put my dick in the toilet Rob Kelly since I'm a kid I think it's disgusting I want women to suck my dick and not have bad breath afterwards so I never put my dick where another man's dick is I don't want that shit that's fucking I pee in my house sitting down I have to sit in the morning the first piss I can't stand up no I'm so fat Joey that my dick I want to lose weight just to see my dick again because my my my the bigger you get the smaller your dick gets you know what I mean I hate you I hate you but when I was 418 I was still slinging dick my dick was still big and shit they're just

when I did coke then it would shrivel up like a fucking you know when I did the knee surgery they put so many drugs on me that my dick shrunk all the way in I couldn't even get the helmet out I had a pee in a container and I couldn't get the helmet out and the nurse was holding the container for me and I'm making eye contact with her because I don't want to look down on my dick and then go I saw Joey Diaz and all that came out was just a little pink helmet like a dog there was no meat to it you know I'm saying so I used to have a nice I remember I used to have a nice piece I'd have to put it on one side of the other before I went

out at night and now it's a fire it's just a nightmare it is and I'm in circumcised you gotta see what my dick looks like now it got dark over the years I used to have a cat in my backyard that was a Siamese but he had black balls and a black dick his balls would hang they were just black and that's me now I'm white my balls are like that regular off-skin color you got the rashes the scratches you got a birthmark and then my dick with the uncircumcision it's just dark it's just like a black dick that's just it just there with the little uncircumcised little Jew helmet on and that's my dick

now it's like three inches and that's I'm sorry I'm talking about my dick but if that's what it is that's what it is on a Wednesday morning cocksuckers what are you gonna do no motherfucking man people have no idea that's why I say you know you got to prepare for this shit once you start preparing for it it makes life a lot easier I read that if you're over 50 the fountain of youth is lifting fucking weights I was kickboxing I was doing jujitsu I quit everything I just lift weights now that's the fountain of youth that keeps my diabetes down I don't have diabetes but I'm just saying that it keeps your

cortisol levels down all that shit I sleep more so I'm in that gym for fucking days a week I got no options I just started going back and I all I do is I do 20 minutes on the pre-core and then I lift weights that's all I do because and that's all I can do I can't do any of that I had a I got a trainer last year he fucking hurt me to two sessions in I pulled my calf muscle because he's trying to get me to I'm not an MMA fighter I'm not doing ropes and fucking mountain climbers you're out of your fucking mind I'm done I go in I walk I do the weights and then I leave I'm out what do you do for weights bench

I do I do the chest I do the shoulders I do the tries I do the buys I do the back and I do the legs so I try to do to a pop so if I'm going in I'll do shoulders and I'll do you know like buys or something like that and then I'll do chest and back and then I'll do tries and legs and I usually go I go I got a gym it's called any time fitness it's like really right down the street from my house it's open 24 hours a day I go at 12 at night I go when I'm up usually I'm up watching TV fucking everybody's in bed I'm just fucking sitting there staring at something because I'm I'm a maniac I'm used to just being up all

night you know thinking about fucking life and all that shit everybody's sound asleep at 930 I'm up so I was like fuck it I might as well just go to the gym watch a dumb TV show or YouTube at the gym and I listen to whatever the fuck I'm gonna listen to there and and lift weights because this is a nightmare it just sucks before because you know look I'm 50 I got a kid you know I'm not doing it to get laid anymore I'm not doing it to look good I'm doing it so my fucking kid you know you know has a dad in around 25 30 years you know I had a kid late you had a kid late to had a kid at 42 you know fucking 50 you got a

kid at 50 yeah awesome powerful that's the Cuban blood yeah that just I'm like Theo Vaughn's dad I'll knock you up when I'm 74 I got that fucking spic fucking cum that shit they jerk you off in the casket to get the last bit of that shit that shit's good I couldn't when I'm dead they could give me that one last jerk off and I still fucking impregnate three women all they got to do is take the sperm and throw in that fucking monkey and that done nine months later you got a Joey Diaz looking like fucking ugly monkey looking baby and shit like that so I got Irish I got Irish Italian jizz mom done I'm lucky that last I got

that last one that made it up the fucking tube just staggered into her fucking egg and fell into it so I'm done my jizz is done no I'm very lucky I'm happy and I remember going to the doctor my friends out in LA the fucking the muscle crew was like Joey you're over 50 you got to take testosterone and I started taking it I started going to a doctor and getting a shot every week and I ended up in the fucking hospital giving them a gallon of blood because my red blood count had taken over some shit and I told my acupuncturist and she told me right out she goes listen don't do it it don't work for Cuban people and I'm

like what are you talking about she's Jewish what are you talking about it works for everybody she goes don't do it and sure enough after I came out of the hospital I went back to the fucking doctor and I told him what had happened he's like Jesus Christ this only happened one other time to me with a Cuban dude about 20 years ago so my I don't know so my acupuncturist was right she was like you don't need it you you don't need to make testosterone you knocked your wife up at 50 that's your fucking testosterone what do you need to make testosterone get a shot for I'm like my friends are telling me that I'll be

better off nothing I'm better off now I take a little testosterone pill twice a day I lift weights you do your little protein drink at night before you fucking hit the crib with my potassium pills and I'm done with my magnesium that's what I've been living off of magnesium and probiotics that's what all my friends do you're gonna stem cells and testosterone go get this check no I don't know fucking needles I'm fucking old-schooling it I'm original Superman I'm going to the gym I'll take a protein shake I'll eat a banana I'll cut down on the carbs and I'll walk I'm gonna fucking I ain't doing any of that shit I ain't grown my hair back

I'm not getting fucking plugs I'm done I shaved my head at 32 I was like I'm out I'm out good for you how's the comedy going what are you thinking so I don't know dude it's a weird listen you know you know we've been it's hard to get these engines back up you know I did it for 28 years non-stop pretty much every Friday and Saturday night pretty much every night of the week except for maybe Sundays but even Sundays for most of that 28 years and then to shut it down for a year and be home on Fridays and Saturdays and to kind of get used to that shit because now I got a life back in the day I had no life it was just me in

some shitty apartment in New York City now I got this backyard I got my kid who I fucking love he's got baseball I got my wife we have dinner we barbecue you know all the shit so now to get up at four in the morning get in the car go to the airport check in get on a fucking plane go to the fucking thing open that up you know what I mean get get to the hotel all that shit it's it's like frog man getting those engines up and then get into the club doing the show two shows fucking kill me who two shows kill me dude you got to work yourself up to that now you got to do like a show and a guest set for like a month a show

and then do a guest set on the second show I you know Bob I tried and it just wasn't working for me I tried for about six or seven weeks I took I took off from March 2nd like everybody else till August I got on stage with our man Rich Voss and Florentine at the East Hanover Mall where you just performed that I felt good that night the only thing I was scared of that a bear was gonna come and drag me out from the fucking thing into the woods that's the only fear I had I did good and then I started doing spots at Uncle Vinnie's great club I love Dino but I just wasn't feeling it I wasn't feeling it I

couldn't write new material and I hate doing fucking old jokes you know so I said you know what Dino let me pull the plug let me get my heart and my soul and my head connected and I'll come back when I'm fucking ready you know and I'm you dude I feel you yeah it's the new it's the new like back in the day back a couple years ago I would something would happen this would go down I'd hold it I wait till the weekday I go to the cellar I work at work at work it and then by the end of the week I'd have a new bit and I'd be good to go and it was like that thing was flowing now I'm trying to come up with shit but it's not there's

something missing like I like I lost something like I can't I know what the fuck it is but even on stage I'm like yeah and I'll stop bringing something up and it would just go it's like just dies and I wind up having to go back to a bit that I know works and then your comic guilt sets in where you're like fuck man and then you see these young bucks coming up behind you that are just you know hungry little fucking lions that are you know and you know I think I got to push through it I think I think what I'm going to do is try to get a night where I can go down like airy airy's is doing Irish she fears doing

it well he's got a night at the stand was like look this is going to suck so fuck you I'm just going to do new stuff and everybody else is coming up is fucking off and this isn't this is just gonna suck until it doesn't suck you know what I mean because something went out like the pilot light went out with the new stuff and it's it's killing me because you go on the road and you feel like shit because you know you know when you look out and that guy knows that you I heard that joke before you know what I mean like fuck it's it's hard and very hard because everybody's doing the fucking covid shit too so we got to get

out of that era you know and the whole world changed to don't forget that there's certain things you you know you know in your head whether look I don't give a fuck I don't got a B plan I'm gonna do what I want say what I want and if I think it's funny I'm gonna do it but on the back of your head that is there like the fuck you know they can't they can't listen unless you got a TV show or they can't take nothing from you they could take your sponsors from you and a TV fucking show they can't take what you put the time you've put in and they can't take the microphone from you and if you're selling tickets these club owners

they'll eat a scab off an Iranian's head you know that they'll fucking book you they don't give a fuck as long as you pack the fucking room and go up then give them 150% you'll always be a great comic and always have work people got to get this cancel culture out of their fucking minds you know what I'm going straight ahead whether you cancel me or not I don't give a fuck right I kid now you don't put them in a fucking trunk of a car you think I'm worried about cancel country bitch you could suck my fucking dick now at this age I've done it all you want to come at me now because 23 years ago some girls suck my

dick at the comedy store who I'm dear friends with again now you want to come at me over something like that and try to cancel listen go fuck yourself you know you got no you the reason why cancel life exists because people let themselves get canceled I'll fucking go out there you see what happened in Israel and fucking Palestine they're out there throwing rocks that's me on the stage I'll be out there throwing fucking rocks you're not canceling me are you Israel are you Palestine I'm nobody you know me I got no fighting the dog why get political on the podcast you know me you say you were throwing rocks no I run

with the Jews since fucking day one I'm in circumcised I'm potential so I'm holding out for the best offer from the best temple you know me dog I'm like the number one draft choice of the Jews they're just holding out to see who who wants to give me the cup it is a weird thing though because the people that are coming back I've noticed this because I've been in the city a little bit the my age people the people who own houses the people who own a fridge aren't the ones coming back out yet they're staying home the young motherfuckers are coming out and there you have to kind of shake them the fuck out of the

wokeness because you'll see a joke and they'll be like oh my god and it's like it's a fucking joke not you know loosen the fuck up and once you lose once you shake them out of it they can okay I get it you don't even alright I get it but they're so used to just fucking jokes that they don't have to think about that it doesn't have to there's no emotion attached to it it's just a laugh or an applause like oh that was smart I ain't into that I just I get it I'm cool with it it's just not my thing I like when somebody's mad at me on stage me too that's the point I like when I I like when I see some dude

having a check with his fucking girl every couple seconds because she's pissed off because she hates me I love when a motherfucker squirms in his desk over a fucking joke I love it I love it that you're this fucking week that you got a squirm over a fucking joke that's the first thing your mother told told you you know I'm saying sticks and stones won't break my bones words would never hurt me what the fuck are you worried about why are you jiggling because I said I eat her asshole go fuck yourself you know and they throw the religious car to you you all you religious motherfuckers could suck my

dick you'd all be pedophiles if they let you so fuck it's not even that religious people have better senses of humor yes they do now then fucking dude 30 years ago the religious people were the ones you know no rock and roll dirty jokes the religious ones have fucking great senses of humor now it's the it's the world the ones without the religion that don't believe in God that you know that believe in fucking all this woke or shit and the news is their God you know CNN and fucking whatever is their God that's what they believe they're the ones who suck and having a problem understanding that these are fucking

jokes and it's not you know that's our job to say something fucked up but I also like I like when somebody doesn't like me Joey I like fucking turning them I like getting them you know what I mean I love I love calm we do yeah I love it I love the fact that I'm like okay you fucking hate me right now but I'm gonna get you I'm gonna fucking call you out I'm gonna let you know that I know what the fuck you know and I'm gonna keep going and then I'm gonna make you giggle and I'm gonna go I got you fuck you you laughed at my shit you got it now I saved you I'm your I saved you sweetie you're healed you know that's the

interesting one those are the ones that are great those are the ones that are really great and they even tell you after the show I don't I don't I don't like dirty material but you fucking were funny or they'll talk to you I'm the same way I can't I'll tell you what I have I just bumped into a friend of mine I didn't talk to for 11 years we pulled up to his house he was in front of the house I told my wife before I even opened the door I guarantee he calls me a spick as soon as he sees me he's gonna go what's going on spick not two words after I got out of the car he hugged me he had tears in his eyes and he's like

you spick motherfucker I missed you I go what did I tell you I've been called to spick by these North Bergen kids since I moved to North Bergen so it does not bother me at all it gives me a sense of that they love me they're cool I got six of them that still call me a spick the main one died and I really missed him like after he died I really missed him because he would call me insult me and then call me a spick and you know what are you polishing your merengue shoes you know he would do all that shit but he didn't know that I laughed at that right so because I'm so open to racism towards bad like I laugh you

know yeah I'm very free up on stage what I say also so I'm a little worried about that but it's not what you're saying comedy it's how you say it yeah you know if you say something with a smile on your face it doesn't hit as much as you know I could say fuck you 10 million different ways yeah I mean that that's the my favorite part about comedy is that I walk on stage and I'm like what's wrong with your face and they laugh it's like you I mean I mean I'll be in the middle of my shit and I'll just be like I fucking hate your shirt I just hate it and his wife will fucking start laughing cuz she hates it just the fact

that it's the only thing where you can acknowledge the absolute truth in the moment you can say whatever the fuck you want and if it's true a lot of the times it's funny they'll laugh you know what I mean if you just walked up to that guy in a Applebee's and I want to hate your fucking shirt he probably want to fight me probably want to and his wife would be pissed off with what the fuck I bought him that shirt you know I mean but in a comedy club setting if you got them you can say whatever the fuck you want you know I mean if they get you and they understand where you are your tempo you can say whatever the

fuck you want that you know when we were talking about the Houston lifestyle yeah I could say whatever the fuck I wanted to in that room I got away with more shit than anybody in that room there was only one word you could not say in that room that would bring that audience to a halt and I saw it happen thank God I'm not political you could not bring up Bush there why you said something about Bush at the last stop it's like you call their mother a fucking cunt yeah they would freeze but if you said something about Bush in Austin they would jump up and down right so you could see the differences but

that was the only freedom that Houston took from you as a comic just don't talk about Bush he's our boy dog everything else it's so funny that's fucking remember they used to have the gay neighborhood because that club was in a gay neighborhood yeah yeah yeah when they had great food they fucking great food the pizza was good to try anti Chang's dumpling Palace fucking they had a gay restaurant where they used to have meatloaf and I would go in there every day and I would go you know what I know there's coming this meatloaf that's how they kept it together but I don't give a fuck if they DNA me right now I got eight different

sperms from eight different I like what when I took the 23 and me I knew that that Indian blood I had was from fucking eating that meatloaf at that place in Houston it was so good it came fucking wouldn't break it was kept on you the sperm was the crazy glue in that fucking thing so yeah it kept it together was like the break crumbs you know it's so funny though what sucks about comedy now there's two things that it's like I don't know how I became a fucking political pundit I don't give a fuck and I don't want you to know what is up here and I don't want you to know who I like who I what religion all that shit

if I choose to tell you I tell you I you don't need to know every fucking thing about me and I don't need to fucking sit here I feel like you have to stand on some you have to pick some side you have to let people know where you stand on this on that on every fucking thing buddy I don't do that I tell you if something happens to me I bring on stage I think it's funny it's fucking funny I don't know why all of a sudden I became the news for you and if I don't fucking you know let me tell you about this and that's when she said that it's wrong I don't like the news I don't fucking watch news I've hated news was a

punishment for me when my grandfather used to punish me he'd make me watch news and I would sit there and these assholes in suits would be talking about the assholes in suits and they've been arguing since we started this fucking world I don't fucking need to deal with that shit I want to laugh have a good fucking time and then go get some food and not fucking die and maybe some sex every six months for my wife right but you know all this shit that we got and the end here's another thing too I always thought we were like the mob I thought comics we were like the mafia you know what I mean we are sure we don't

like them she doesn't like me fuck her fuck him but when it came down to it we had each other yeah no that's not the case we had each other's backs and now I feel like one person ratted and now everybody fucking rats yeah no that's that I knew when the Rogan man see a thing went down that we were in a mafia and it broke my heart for a while that's why I stopped going to the store that was why I stopped going to the store because the deal was they banned Rogan and the comics were supposed to meet outside and do a protest and that night Mitzi found out about and said whoever does it is getting banned from

the store and the comics said fuck Rogan and I go well I won't go down there no more because they don't have my back right why would I want to be with people that don't have my back so it really hurt me for a while what did you guys go though where I mean where did you guys do comedy after that I just at that time I would just open up for Joe he was doing a lot of road work we did improv's when I moved to the valley I started working out a lot at the haha she was very good to me the Agostino the manager was very good to me and then one day Tommy left and Adam the new book had called me and he goes I love to get your back in here

and I went back down and that had to be 2014 that was the week of my colonoscopy I'll never forget it I did a colonoscopy and I they called on a Friday and I said let me think about it you know Mitzi was still alive so I still had tons of love for them yeah and I said to myself Saturday I go nope I'm not fucking going back there fuck them but that Sunday night when I was in the colonoscopy I couldn't sleep because you keep shitting all night from that fucking vitamin juice they give you your shit yeah chicken bones the bubble gum you ate when you're for everything comes out of your ass that you've eaten have you had a

colonoscopy yeah yeah so I fucking was sitting there in a movie came out called being there with pink the pink panther the guy that plays the original pink panther Peter Sellers has a movie called being there that is in my top five movies and top five oh it is brilliant it is top five top five one of the most brilliant movies you've ever seen your life when the movie ends if you're not touched you need to hang yourself because it's that beautiful of a fucking movie I forget the lady's name that's the star of that movie with them she's she's fucking tremendous but it's a movie that's about God to be honest it's

about God and a friend of mine that was her favorite movie and she passed from cancer and she was a regular at the store and she's the one before she died to tell me to stop doing blow and I listened to and I stopped and I was clean so that movie to me was like a sign it's time for you to go back to the store so I did the colonoscopy Monday morning and I was at the store Tuesday night with a rotten asshole you know I'm saying so so I love my colonoscopy I love getting all that shit out of there I mean because I'm sober 35 years I haven't touched anything since I was 15 not a drink or a drug so to go in and

get a colonoscopy and you know kind of get a free pass you know I'm saying oh you mean the little cocktail dude when they gave me that Michael Jackson shit whoo I woke up I was like wow wow it's fucking great my doctor had smoking hot chicks these Spanish girls you know I thought I was gonna go in and fucking have some old wretched nurse I didn't care if I was naked I walked in my doctor has two smoking hot nurses that are assisting on this and my I mean good my my asshole you know maybe when I was younger I had a nice asshole now it's just fucking my dick I knew my dick I was trying to fluff up before I went in

just to have at least a little piece I mean it was a fucking nightmare that's only that bum me out there's the two hot nurse but everything else is fantastic that's terrible when you have a female helping you with something and you have an embarrass like I take this testosterone pill but it makes your pee smell like fucking debt like when I'm on it for 30 days it makes my pee smell horrible and I'm doing the soprano movie in September in New York and I gotta keep pissing but I'm so nervous from the fucking COVID and the people are yelling at you to put your mask on to stay away six feet and I went to piss

at one time and my piss was like splattered from my heart beating I guess my PSA numbers were high that day and when I put my dick back in my shorts like another ounce of piss came out so my I could smell the pee all day when I was sitting there talking to Ray Liotta I could smell the pee from my fucking own dick in my nose so at the end of the day I told the wardrobe gruggler come in she was a good lady I put a 50 in the hand they go listen don't smell the pants wash them don't smell them don't smell the shirt the bottom of the shirts got that horse piss on it it was fucking horrible but I remember one time I

went to the doctor's office I was 400 pounds Robert Kelly and they put you on a thing to do the EKG and it was a small office and the doctor goes all right get up and the doctor put his hand out and when I went to get up I blew a tremendous fart I'm talking world-class noise length that last top top top when it gives you that last backfire from your asshole let me tell you something everybody just looked at it the chick was hot and fucked and everybody just standing each other in the doctor's office and I immediately got up and got in front of the door so nobody can get out and I blocked their fucking way

and they're both looking at me making believe they can't smell this debt and it's pure debt that smelled like Piscata Way in New Jersey it was fucking it was fucking horrible do you understand me yeah there's nothing worse than hot chicks in the doctor's office when I was younger I remember when I was younger I use I mean I was shredded I was fucking I mean gorgeous I I mean I I'll fuck I went to the hospital a couple times and I got I was like yeah I'll fucking take my clothes off I used to get naked like Brad Pitt and I actually had a couple nurses comments on like my body it was weird but now it's if I went into I had

to get I had to get a little nugget you know what I mean my dick had some war wounds from from being a piece of shit for a long time you know and I had to get my my to make you check and it was a fucking hot chick comes in she's like put this over your penis I'm like god damn and I'm trying to get it big you know and then she's like she's like pull it like stretch it I'm like I should stretch my dick because it wasn't big enough for her to stretch my dick out because she had a look at my dick the doctor comes in he's fucking it was a nightmare and it my dick was just frightened my dick was like I'm out I'm

gone just trying to go back in my my body I think Dix gets scared when they go to doctor's office something to sum up with Dix because my dick shrinks the fuck up when I go to doctor's office yeah my dick goes only one time when I was I worked at a Jewish camp I worked at a Jewish camp as a lifeguard for a summer back in the day and I got a rash I got baby rash on my thigh and the nurse or the doctor whatever the camp doctor smoking hot I mean fucking ridiculous and I went in to say you know hey I got a rash and she goes well let me see it and so I pulled down my pants and she got down on her knees in the doctor's

office to examine my my side of my balls and I just remember my dick shot straight up and I remember she actually looked up she went up with it like this and I just went I'm sorry she goes it's okay and it made it even harder when she said it's okay and she didn't do anything unfortunately I didn't have the balls to make that move you know what I mean it was that second where you're gonna go and I she won't she want this you know I just I pussied out like an asshole one of the biggest regrets of my life that's the worst well what doctor gets on her knees that's like just give me some cream and tell me to beat it you

don't have to fucking look at it it's baby rash I was playing tennis in old underwear I mean what are you gonna do she let me see it all right what do you she wanted it and I fucking left and you dropped the fucking ball Bobby Kelly god yeah now I can't take anywhere yeah now nobody wants to nobody wants no listen I I've said it for years since I turned I had my daughter it's been weird like you go on the road and girls say stupid things to you and you like giggle and say yeah whatever and I'm like you don't understand you don't want to see my dick right now I'm 58 this is scarring you this is PTSD this is you're

never gonna survive this shit these young girls that think this is a joke it's like these young girls that keep pressing charges on Marilyn Manson what did you expect you didn't think he was gonna light your pussy on fire listen to his fucking lyrics you fucking asshole well I dated him and he stuck a candle up my ass you're lucky you're lucky I want to put a sailboat up your ass fucking Marilyn Manson what are you fucking nuts you know you get what you pay for cucks up is what do you think was gonna happen these little cute white girls want to date Marilyn Manson he ties them up he puts a ball in their

mouth and then they want to fucking call the LA Times what are you crazy the only time they gotta help you if a girl likes me if there's a hot chick that comes up after the show and she's into me I know there's something mentally wrong with her yes me too yeah she's into this like she has a thing for dudes with tits and a belly button hernia and dead toenails you know what I mean that's her thing she's into some weird shit so if I even got a blowjob I'd have to do it with socks on because if you see my fungi toenail you put teacher all on I did all of it I'm done they're what they are you got a

CVS my wife teacher all on them my wife makes me paint them black when we go on vacation I painted them this weekend because I knew I was going to the pool I just painted the clear but they're getting better it takes a year with the teacher your but at least my feet don't smell like fucking a low speed or no more with the old popcorn I would take my shoes off my fucking fungi toenail is and I would grind it I take the grinder and I grind it and then I take powder and I would sniff it like a container like cocaine and I would throw it at Lee we were doing the podcast tremendous

Robert Kelly where you at this weekend I'm at Napa knock New York at the paper mill up in the up upstate New York and the boondocks they got this awesome club the saw some place called the paper mill and I'm going to be there Saturday night and where you at next week I think next week Joey I'm at this gig I got this gig in Key West see that's what I'm doing I'm booking myself at clubs that I like and and like Key West comedy Key West so I'm going to comedy Key West the 17th 18th and 19th and I'm staying the 20th which is fucking great and then I'm going to I mean I'm going to fucking Vegas I'm gonna go to the comedy works in

Vegas I'm doing all these clubs that I like going to Vasani's you do did you do Vasani's yet no where's that I do it it's down in Florida Port Charlotte they'd fucking you'd murder fucking great club place packs out the fucking fans of the shit so I'm only working places I really like to work you know you know you know when you're working where you'll just take a gig and blah blah blah I don't want to do that shit I don't want to put myself a steam out there and be fucked up so I'm going to work places I really like this guy who does the Napa knock thing he does a bunch of stuff in Jersey to a lot of good places so you know I'm

I'm looking forward to it but Key West I've never been to Key West you know my Calta I know the name are you he'd love the DJ the DJ right the radio yeah he's down in Tampa yeah he's in Chicago right no no okay yeah yes he's a great guy in Tampa okay he's coming down with me we're gonna vacation together okay I'm gonna take my time would stand up I'm gonna see how I feel in the next month I assume that I'll be in stage on stage after the soprano movie comes out of New Jersey I'm gonna try to get a little residency maybe at the Borgata one of the small rooms or something just to stay active because of my daughter I'm

not gonna do weekends no more I'm not traveling there's too much action here during the week I got him and I want to just do maybe Friday nights somewhere one show I'm not doing two shows yet right I'm gonna go back into this very slowly I like my life I like what I'm doing with the girls and I've already done 30 years of comedy I gotta prove nothing to nobody you know I'm saying I just got to be funny for an hour and get the fuck out of that I feel the same way do I mean I gotta wear I gotta I gotta do these gigs cuz I'm look I'm a club comic that's how I make my money that's my job that's what we know that's what

we do but I feel you on the kids stuff man I'm around my kid as much as I can be around him because I fucking love it I love it I love I love the evolution of all this shit you know what I mean I love that I I feel like I did it right I had a lot of fun at the beginning of it I worked my twat off I didn't you know for years but I didn't even know was work because I loved it it was my passion you know I was banging comedy stand-up comedy was my my chick for a long time me too and now and now it's like I'm good man I like being in the backyard the whole world has changed my whole thing is different now I was at my kid's

baseball game at an umbrella had a big fucking rainbow umbrella I had my little iced coffee I'm sitting there screaming you know fucking yeah my kid who's playing baseball I'm like this is it I never thought I'd be this I'd never thought that that shit would get me fucking high but now this is the shit that's getting me high is hanging out with the kid barbecue in the backyard smoking a cigar throwing a fucking ball to my dog I mean I'm loving life right now so bro we both have had the same lives because we rocked in the beginning this was everything to us and then God blessed us with a wife and a child and

now we have a we have to balance career and family and it's harder than when we were single you know we were single you don't give a fuck you get up at two you get your dick sucked you get a wart who gives a fuck you know I'm saying you give it to somebody else I passed out warts like a motherfucker they used to call me the wart whisperer you know I'm saying but Bobby Kelly I love you cock sucker stay in touch and thank you very much for doing this and I'll come up to the house one day and we'll sit in the yard and yes we'll talk some shit I got a movie this week so I'll be in your neck of the woods this week all right come up

come up hang out smoke a bath for you from Astoria all right call me how far are you from Astoria fucking 25 30 minutes no 25 minutes maybe I'll see you tomorrow all right buddy sounds good I love you stay by me too buddy take care all right you bad motherfuckers I hope you enjoyed Rob Kelly he's a great guy we had some great fucking laughs couple giggles sorry I talked about my dick you don't need that in your life it's getting uglier by the day but at least I'm honest with myself I'm not over here fucking taking dick pics and putting them on Instagram and sending them to people there is no dick pics of me there

is ball pictures out you people could all take a picture of my balls when I did it on the comedy store thing but there's no dick pics nobody gets a dick pics from Uncle Joey that's 20 a life no parole and I advise you not to send dick pics you understand me nothing good could happen from a dick pic they want to see a dick they got to see it live like a peep show you know I'm saying look through a fucking hole and see it I don't give a fuck how they do it listen to join us brought to you today by CBD lion great fucking CBD I've been with him for four or five years they helped me through the surgery as you

could see I have no tape left I got to call up Andy and for him to send me some more tape and some more melatonin gummies you know listen if you need CBD in your life you don't even know if you need CBD in your life so it all starts by you go like to go to CBD lion and reading reading about the symptoms reading about the cures reading about the advantages and the disadvantages of CBD CBN CBY and how they could work for you that's what this is all about CBD is growing but there's a lot of fucking fugazies out there this is not you know buying it from some fucking guy had a place that you know doesn't know

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you by listen the same about making fucking millions is about entertaining yourself picking up 50 bucks if I can make you 200 bucks during a month wouldn't that be helping you out that's why you got to download the app over at draft king sports book the best as far as I'm concerned and it's NBA playoffs this is fucking easy this is fucking easy you don't go every night you put $50 down one game no parlays no teases no you have a hard time walking and chewing bubblegum you want to pick eight fucking teams what are you retarded just go with one team blast that motherfucker or go for the over and under it's the

playoffs they got to play defense like my uncle Dan says they got to play defense so you either go over and under or pick the fucking team put $50 watch yourself make 97 and you go to bed at least you got something to do I don't need for you to become a degenerate I don't need for you to become a gambling junkie this is just end the fucking payment it's legal in New Jersey so why not have a good time I'm not talking about 500 a game I would never put 500 hours on a fucking game but 25 to watch it my wife is upstairs I'm down here jumping up and down with the fucking I'm over here doing the wave by myself you

know what are you gonna do no mask on I lit the mask so that's it do me a favor download the DraftKings we got great fucking games tonight I think you got fucking the Clippers against fucking Utah you got motherfucking the series are great you got Atlanta Philadelphia you got Brooklyn against fucking Milwaukee and that's like oh two to two oh fucking Brooklyn killed them at home by 30 points they had the under Sunday night I fucking should have better they fucking knew it but I was too late I was out with the fucking kid fucking around but anyway download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now do yourself a favor and do

me a favor all right when you sign up use promo code Joey and you could turn a dollar into a hundred fucking dollars okay that's code Joey and here's the fine print you got to be 21 or older New Jersey Indiana PA only new customers only restrictions apply see DraftKings.com slash sportsbook for details now do you have a gambling problem I hope not if you do call 1-800-GAMBLER if you're in Indiana call 1-800 with it but if you ain't got no motherfucking problems download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now they also have a fantasy don't confuse don't get confused that's what I did I download the fantasy but I ended

up hitting the fucking parlay and winning a thousand bucks I took my fucking money out and I just kept on the DraftKings sportsbook app download the DraftKings sportsbook app and go to work like I told you if you got a problem fucking mind your business but if you can just get away with betting 25 bucks and having a good time DraftKings is for you plus they have the casino that's it and that's that I love you guys thank you for watching the motherfucking Uncle Joey's joint I hope you enjoyed Robert Kelly and I'll see you motherfuckers tip-top Magoo next Monday ready to fucking go father's day week I love you