Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 07/24/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #100

Episode Date: July 25, 2013

Thank you to everyone who has listened over the past 100 episodes. It means the world to us. Get ready for 100 more! Jpey and Lee rock it solo today. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. This podcast is also brought to you by huluplus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Recorded on 07/24/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. Oh shit. For you motherfuckers that don't know, it's that day.

It's the beginning of your fucking world, beginning of your life baby, the church of what's happening now, on a Wednesday, who's better than you? Oh shit, oh shit, Lisa Yat is making this fucking yarmulke aerodynamic, Uncle Joe is getting ready to rock with you, smoking, snorting, fucking sucking, it's Wednesday. Lighting down your goals, washing your feet, doing some jumping jacks, hit it, leave this bad motherfucker. Oh shit. Oh shit, Lee.

Bring that motherfucker on home, Lee. What are you kidding me or what? Pull it out, coming to ride ball. Here you go, it's Wednesday, cock-sucking, get it. Are you kidding me or what? What's happening, Lee Zayat? You bad little motherfucker. Nothing, I've been wondering for a while, do you have like one of those foot baths or

are you doing it in the shower? Like you always, you talk about washing your feet more than anything and I like, where do you wash your feet? Like, I wash it with my hands, I get the fucking, I put soap on it and I get the wash cloth and I scrub and I scrub in between the clothes and I still find green shit. I don't understand how that fucking works, my wife's like, you know you got mold growing in between your little fucking thug, filthy cock-suck, this is July 24th, oh shit, big two weeks coming up.

2013, are you kidding me or what, I hope you're having a great, I don't even feel like the fucking summer, I don't even feel like the fucking summer, like it's hot but it don't feel like the fucking summer, I gotta do something. I think it's cause like, at least for me, I'm still, I still remember the days when I got summer vacation, I haven't, I was thinking about it the other day and the two and a half years I've been here, the only time I've been out of LA is one week a year at Christmas time, I haven't had any, like it's something you get used to as a kid, you get three months off, you get a week off every couple months in the spring, there's no time off.

It's just no fucking time off man, it's just amazing how, yeah you're right, when you're a kid you get the summers off, you jingle, you jump up and down, you run in the fucking street and you go back, once the leaves come, remember when the leaves are coming to east coast, that's when you fucking know, yeah we got no leaves, we got no fucking leaves. Well they're probably a little bit darker at the end of the summer, so when you get the fucking leaves, once you get the leaves and you're walking home and kicking the fucking leaves in the fall, that's just a great day, we used to take bricks and put them on the street and cover the bricks with fucking leaves so the car could hit them and shit.

You put them in the street? In the fucking street. I thought you put them on the sidewalk? No, a lot of people would put like tons of leaves on the side of the street, we would take like 12 inch block and put like 10 of them on a fucking thing and cover them with fucking, and then sit in the bushes and wait for somebody to drive by and hit that fucking wall and somebody would always hit it because they think it was a pile of leaves. Of course, I always just got, tremendous, tremendous.

This is like the difference between us, I was just gonna be like, you remember when you would jump on the crunchy ones or you jump in a big pile of them and you're telling me a story when you use the fucking trick cars and the fucking bricks? Oh, that's all you'd hear, boom, I don't know if I'm the guy that would get out, fuck you. And we'd be running in the weeds and shit because that's what we do, we'd stay there and wait for the possum to fall into the hole. Jesus. Interesting day yesterday, you know man, you know what I love about life?

What? Something new, either about something or about yourself every day. Every year, Comic-Con, my brother George, he's not my blood brother, but he's as close as it gets when my brother comes out to work, Comic-Con. Every year he breaks my balls about going down there, after 10 years he's finally giving up. He's like, no, you're not gonna come down, I'm not gonna come down. I love George, but I've written my goals a little bit too much, it goes to my day.

People look at me, listen to me in the podcast, they think, oh, I just wake up in the moon and I slither it around like a fucking snake, they don't know that I'm up to the minute. And now that I only have five hours a day because of the babysitting and what not, I'm even more up to the minute, like all that shit, so I know what's coming. I know that I'm gonna end up going to San Diego, having to pick a bump or driving to the airport, it's three days, and I had a heavy Monday and Tuesday. The schedule lately in my life is a heavy Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday is ah, and then Thursday I'm on a fucking plane.

But when I'm home, there's nothing, you don't understand, like sometimes I'm having a good time with you, with my wife, the baby, and I don't wanna go on a road on a Thursday, but I have no option because there's nothing really going on, it's like I have an audition. In the old days I got an audition for a huge movie and I have to cancel, or controversy, and people be mad at me, I have to cancel Thursday night, that doesn't happen no more. So yes, that was a little busy, I had some shit Monday and I had some shit yesterday, so Monday he wanted to go to his buddies in Long Beach and he was gonna come up yesterday, and I was a little angry because I didn't know how I was gonna fit him in.

I don't like people visiting me, especially people like that because I can't cater to them 150% because I'm always doing something. Whenever somebody comes to visit you, you know, I don't have a job. My job is whenever, you know what I'm saying, but usually for me to get busy, two things have to happen. A, I either have to get ready to get out of town, or B, somebody comes to visit me. It's an automatic, as soon as somebody says I'm coming to see you, they come in Thursday night, at 2 in the afternoon or something, I'll get an audition at 1.30, it's just the

way life is, it's just the way life is, you can't do it. So sure enough he wants to come up yesterday and I got a thousand things to do. Went to the doctor yesterday, my blood pressure was 195 over 105 when I got there yesterday. Is that bad or good? That's fucking really bad. Okay. That's how stressful I was, I had to go to Culver City, that's why, right there, Laurel Canyon was bumper to bumper, at 10.30 in the fucking morning, you know.

So in all of this, he wants to get a ride up, so I get him the train schedule, the whole fucking deal, my wife, finally Edgar, a good dear friend Edgar, decides to pick him up and bring him up. Okay. And I'm in the middle of all this, I got something late, so I had a 5.30, I had a 7.30 last night, I wanted to work out last night, his plane was at 9.45. So that takes you from like 6.30 to? Yeah, so I said, what the, no, I couldn't even see him.

So Edgar brought him about 3, I met him at 3, I took him over to see the baby, him, myself and my wife went over to the slinging door, barbecue, I had some chicken breast, you know, and a salad and whatnot, didn't touch the cornbread, we didn't get no fuck, yeah, didn't touch the cornbread, nothing, you know, I just, I'm really serious about this now and I had a, I got him a cab, you know, I gave him some cash and I got him a cab and they took him to LAX, you know, God knows, and I don't mind driving somebody to the airport, but LAX is a complete different animal, you don't know what time, you might hit traffic on the way down, or you might hit traffic on the way back, he had 3 hours to kill, I'll

tell you, as soon as I gave him the, as soon as I put him in the cab, my heart broke, you know, like I told my wife, I go, I have acquaintances in my life, this is family, like last week in affiliate, a lot of great people showed up and I was really happy and that's one of the things I thought about, even Danny B wins, that guy's a good dear friend of mine, like Danny B wins blew my mind last week, I finally looked over and I go, this motherfucker loves me, for who the fuck I am, with all the stories and all the craziness, I mean, he follows me, we go on the road now together, we go to eat, we laugh, I got him high with a Chibo chew, I fucked him up, he tweeted that somebody mickeyed him the next day at

the bar, he didn't know the strength of Chibo, you know, I have acquaintances and I have these guys that are, you know, 35 years in, I've been running with them, you know, when I went upstairs and my wife said, what's a man, I go, I feel terrible about George, that I couldn't give him a whole day of just Joey, getting him high, eating, cracking jokes, George is like you, I've never really seen a sweetness in a man like you and George, George is a very, very sweet for a man, George is a very sweet guy, we were laughing yesterday for an act, he would do heroin, he'd go into the city, he'd got a bag of heroin, but he also stopped to get you a sandwich, and he'd get you rolling papers, you know, he always

thought of you, even when he was on the fucking heroin, he always thought of you, what pisses me off about George is he's everybody's fucking doormat, when everybody wants to get moved they call George, when everybody needs to borrow a thing they call George, when they have a party they don't call George, and that's what burns me up about people, that's why I don't like certain people because they take advantage of people, he's very sweet, you have the same quality, you're very sweet, I was just heartbroken the rest of the night last night, because I've known George three months before my mother died, I met George, three or four months.

At summer school, right? At July of 79, it was 2013, that's close to 34 fucking years, right? Yeah. 21 and fucking 13. And how long did you live with him? You lived with him and his grandma for a while, right? Lived, you know, here I am outside, I'm confused, I'm casing fucking houses, I take a bus up to Bergen County to case a joint, you know, the case a block, I would case blocks, you

know, I was there at one time and I saw that there was a good actor on the block, and I'm walking and there's George, you know, landscaping, you know, and he opened me his home, and let me tell you something, man, that four months I stayed with him at E5 was what I needed, he got me some sleep, I had a shower, I had warm meals, I put money together, I did a lot of crime when I lived there those four months, a lot of petty thief shit, but all I was trying to do was glue that conduit together, I stayed under the radar, there were people looking for me, nobody knew where the fuck I was, you know, I really shut it down, and I think of George as somebody who when I get the call or his death or when he gets a call

on my death, the remaining years of this plan are gonna be tough, they really are, that's how good of friends I am with him, you know, and it's just amazing that at this age I'm out here, and I tell you, ten years ago I didn't need George out here, now at this age I need somebody out here, to that age where I need somebody who I hang out with like that, that's tight with me, who I grew up with, that I'll need to just see him once a week and have a call for freedom, would be pretty fucking good in my life, that would really fill the void in my life, fuck Greg Schmidt called me yesterday, I gotta call him back too, he's Danny B's cousin, but that's what happened with George yesterday,

he really ate me alive, that I couldn't give him 20 hours, you know, when I go to New York George gives me the week, but then again George don't give a fuck about anything, he don't give a fuck about his job, he just lives, you know, I have a schedule, you know, I have that, and I have to do it, like George had to sit with me yesterday for an hour while I watched the baby, the 10 minutes before she goes to bed it's our nightmare, when she's tired she don't want to see nobody, she don't want to giggle, she just, you have to bend her over pretty much like hold her on her side and play with her and kiss her and tell you love her and then she'll fall asleep, you know, she'll start making these noises,

ah, and you look down and her eyes are closed, it's over, so he had to sit there with me and it was weird that this was, I knew him when I was 14, 15, and here I am holding a kid in front of him, he's my original daughter's godfather, oh really? he's Jack his godfather, he's Jack his godfather George, he really is so when you said you were mad when he said he wanted to come up, it's like, you weren't mad at him, you were mad at yourself because you knew you couldn't do it? I'm mad at the situation because I wish I'd given more, I wish I'd given more, when people come out here after the James thing I got really embarrassed and I got really down on my lap

because I don't do much, I don't do much, it's amazing, I don't do much, and I don't describe that to people, I get the fucking creeps when I'm in a goddamn bar now yeah, you mean you don't do much socially? socially, I get the creeps when I'm in a fucking bar, you know, I get the creeps when I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be for that long, like a comedy club, I gotta get the fuck out of there, I wanna somewhere with some good comics hanging out with my friends when I'm usually not, so I gotta get the fuck out of there, you know, but the George thing really fucking destroyed me yesterday, I don't know why, I missed those relationships, like Mike

Ronnie didn't show last week, but he's coming to DC, I'm telling Obama's wife to shave that monkey, Pop is coming to DC, fucking August, they might throw me in fucking jail, August 20th something, I'm going to DC in problem, I'm fucking excited, but now that Mike's going, he's gonna spend the night in the hotel with me, he's bringing his wife, I'm really fucking excited about that, I know I can get some good Chinese food in DC, speaking of which, man, you know, we talk about Ahana and you and I, we talk about working out and everything, but I first got into the working out thing, what a boxer, cocksucker, when I first got into the working out thing, it was about 418 pounds, and I would walk around

the neighborhood every morning, when Terry would, I started walking Terry to the train, and I would walk to Highland and cut down to Selma and walk to my house, about a mile, and trust me, in those days, that was a lot, so I did that for two weeks, and after I did that, that started like in November of 2009, I guess, 2008, I guess, 2007, when I got off the blow, that was my thing to start, and after two or three weeks of that, I started going to a boxing gym and walking, so I would do my walk five days a week, plus I would go to the boxing gym one day a week, then I would go two days a week, then I incorporated swimming, so I would swim twice a week, so I would walk five days a week, I would box

two days a week, and I would swim two days a week, and I got on the scale one day, and I gained like two pounds, so I got pissed, I said that's it, I gotta figure something so I kept walking, I kept boxing, I went a little longer, I had macpholy, break down some techniques with me, hit the bag to teach me to burn all this shit, and that time, I worked, man, it felt like I was working, that's when I used to wear two pair of underwears and I'd pee in my pants if I couldn't breathe, and I'd work and work and work, and that time I dropped like fucking nine pounds, but I was still drinking Coke's, you know, I cut down on the breakfasts and I cut down on dinner after seven, and I didn't feel like I lost

enough weight to justify that, and in that process I went to the doctor, the same doctor I went to yesterday, and he's a great guy, his name is Dr. Soleimani, he's just a dynamite guy, and he said to me, you're a good guy, you should consider losing weight, maybe you should do one of the surgeries, and that really lit a fire crack on my ass, I went home, and I said fuck the surgeries, I'll control the diet, and then I read an article that said that you have to really control your diet, you could jump up and down for fucking hours, so last weekend I get back from fucking Philly, Sunday, and I get on the scale on 309 pounds, so I've been stuck at 309 for the last fucking three months,

I do weight watchers, but do I do it religiously to the metric, not really, am I going over 100 points a day, not really, am I going over 80, not really, ever since they changed the point system right there, I keep it from 44 to 54, maybe 60, but I may be doing something wrong, I may be eating peanut butter at night when I get in, I'm not enough fruit, I'm just stuck there, and I was a little down on myself, I came back from Philly, I saw some pictures, and I was like you know what, I gotta kick this up a notch, pictures are the worst when you're big, because even if you feel like you're looking good, you're like Jesus Christ, yeah, and I saw some pictures, and I go wow, I gotta figure something out, and I got an

email, very interesting email about it, he said something very interesting in the email that I noticed, that everybody else over looked, he said that hey man, I'm not here to bust your balls or disrespect you, I know that you like the points and blah blah, but what are they doing for you, he goes I can tell, but I'm just writing out to you, because I don't want another one of my favorite fucking people to die, he goes nobody even mentioned how big Gandalfini was after his death, oh he was huge, oh he was huge Gandalfini when he died, they're waiting for the autopsy right now, I don't mean to talk about dead people, but they said the night he died, he ate like fucking 19 shrimp cocktails or fried food

or whatever, and I knew from different people that I had spoken to that, he was a big eater, you have to take care of yourself, and maybe he didn't exercise or whatever, so I'm exercising, so what, so I'm doing shit with 309 pounds, you know I'm going for shots on my fucking knees, I can't find fucking clothes half the time, you know I'm having a hard time breathing in jiu-jitsu, that all comes down to my fucking weight, so no matter how the fuck I cut it, I gotta get back on basics, so this guy writing me this note, I wrote him a note back, and it was like on the borderline of insulting, but I understood what he was saying with it, because that's what you need to do sometimes, you're not insulting somebody, you care for

them, you're taking the time, and that's how you wrote it, he even said if you don't want to reply, you want to block me on Twitter, this is my Twitter handle I understand, and he was right, you know, I'm wasting my fucking time, I go to kickboxing at night, that shit's fucking hard, that shit's fucking hard, you know, and I'm watching the kids and then I'm watching me and my age, and guess what Lee, he's exactly right, he goes you're improving your cardio, but you're building fucking muscle, and I'm getting heavier and heavier, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's 309 pounds, yeah you're gonna get lower before you start building muscle, it's 309 pounds, I wouldn't mind going down to 220 or 215 is

the lap band, the fucking answer, what it was, because at this age your metabolism is, you know, I walk the baby every morning, I leave here, I go home, I eat oatmeal, eat some fucking fruit, and I gotta walk around in circles with the goddamn baby, you figure you lose fucking, you know, whatever, and I tell you what, about a month ago I went down to 301, because I went to the doctor and he was like, you look a little light and I went home and I'm like, oh the motherfucker ain't bullshitting to me, and that's one of those weeks I did the epileptical, so I think I'm just gonna do the jiu-jitsu and the epileptical for two months, focus on it, there was a guy that went to Eddie's and just really, really

focus on my fucking diet, that's, because it really is all diet, I can't fucking believe this shit, and I feel great, you know, I fainted Monday, my fucking shot in the knee, I fucking fainted, did he see like what was different, oh god damn it, I got there, you know, I get there, everything's cool, everybody's at Hunky Dory, I know the office, you know, at Donald Marina Del Rey, and I go down there and I fucking sit down and sure enough, Dr. Nicola comes in who I love, and I gotta be honest with you, it was just a little prick, I just felt like a scab, that somebody picked that, like that, and then he goes, hold on, we gotta do the second one then, this time they put an X-ray machine on to see where

the thing is going, to shoot behind the kneecap, and you can feel it in there, you know, and he took it out, and I was okay, I kept breathing, and all of a sudden as I go to swim my leg around, the fucking stupid nurse, without knowing, God bless her, so she goes, hold on, Mr. D.S., can I wipe your leg, you have a lot of blood there, god damn it, she didn't even know, she was trying to be sweet, she didn't know, if she wouldn't open her fucking mouth and just wipe it, I would have been okay, and all of a sudden, bro, I went into a tailspin, and the next thing you know, my fucking, the skunk came out, when my whole body shoots a little bit of fucking sweat, I could feel that ball of sweat going down

the back of my neck, and it's always over after that, it's four or five minutes, and let me tell you what, I kept, you know, because one of the exercises that this lady gave me, you know, besides the island, the fucking serenity, was also to put my, to tell myself I was gonna get through this, which is true, you're gonna get through this, you'll be fine, so what if you fall, so what if you, so that's my fucking damn, so that, once I pass out, it fucks me up for the week. Like how long did you pass out for? I don't fucking know, I don't have, what do you think, I have to fucking alarm clock

me? But it's not like, it's not like you woke up hours later, it's like a couple of minutes. No, you pass out for like a minute and a half, but it's a minute and a half of hell, it's like being in a gay club, and passing out, everybody's kicking you with their dicks or something like that, that's what it fucking feels like, that's, that, you know, you just wait, everybody's watching you, you know, I know when I got out of there, it was pale as fuck, my body needed a jump start, I had to stop across the street, there was no restaurants around, I had to go get chili cheese Doritos, and put like three of them in my mouth and

throw the bag away, just to, because my body just falls fucking apart, I mean, my mental, my everything, I had to get like a green tea with lemon in it or whatever. Something has to happen to your body when you pass out, like, because your body thinks it's going, like, isn't it like a defense mechanism, like, it thinks something bad's going to happen, so like, it completely shuts down? I don't know, holy bother me for a minute. You not Dr. Diaz? No, I don't fucking know.

You got a white shirt on, it could be a white coat, you know, no? Nah, no, I just went down, you know, there's a lot of things, but that particular wasn't one of the usual passouts, like, she really took the anxiety pass out of it, it was less severe, I just got the beginnings of it, because I could control it, but it still felt like shit. Yeah, I can't feel good. And I got to go for two more, I got two more fucking Mondays and that shit, but you know what, you walk in there with a good attitude, like, if you're walking that half beat, I got

the fucking iPod on, so I don't hear the rapper and I don't hear nothing, that's 60% of the fucking battle. Yeah. Where's the music lead? It's fucking Wednesday and I play no music for me, you gotta get it together when he's slipping. Mmm, mmm, oh shit, get up, it's July, you know what, college is right around the fucking corner, a lot of you motherfuckers, go to your local class and see what they're teaching

this year, let's all take a class on Tuesday nights. Have you started that yet? No, I haven't started yet, I'm going down there next Thursday, I called some fucking counselors or something, but people told me not to go online, people told me to show up. But you don't hate online? Mixed moves with all the mommies, that's where the lead is. One of these locking my fucking dick, this one has a secret, why not, when we both got

rocks, now check it, oh shit Lee, let me see you wiggle for Papa Lee, oh shit, you haven't wiggled on a week, come on, oh, you gotta get up though, you're sitting there like a fucking struts, two fucking players, even when there's no video guys, he makes me get up, you gotta fucking stretch it, let me see you wiggle, oh shit, oh shit, look at Lee and shit, look at me in the little pan like Batman, over the eye, oh shit, there you go, you didn't put gel in your head dude, I have no hair to put gel in, I have, that's short for a reason, you didn't put no gel, a nice fucking guy gave me a picture in Philadelphia, beautiful little fucking picture, I didn't bring it to hang, nice picture, he drew a me and you

and a bunch of little Jewish ghosts behind you and Yarmulka with a fucking swat stick on fire, fucking tremendous, you know, it's like every Jew is like Charles Bronson, they all like vigilante, these are Germans, I like it, they all remember, they all remember Coxucka, at least I had a yell at you last night, I got very upset with you, yeah, and it like, so let's set it up, I went to San Diego this weekend for my birthday and then I went to the comedy show, in between there was a party that I went to, and I had some drinks and the person I was with had some drinks and then when I went to the comedy show, I was outside, I was a little bit tipsy but I had two pounds of steak at the palm

and I wasn't, I was in like, I was a pound, it was a 24 ounce ribeye, so that's two and a half, but the person I was with had more drinks because she wasn't driving but the entire, other than seeing people I wanted, the comics I wanted to see, the main reason I decided to go to the comedy show was so I could have a buffer time in between it and we stayed for about an hour and a half and when I left I was totally fine, trust me, I'm paranoid of going to jail, so I don't, I don't, I'm not going to say I've never driven drunk because when I was younger there was times I would make mistakes, but I did the, I went to the club for the entire purpose of not going out, of not driving home drunk.

Once I've been on the podcast and you know, when we first started, I wanted this to be like just you and I didn't even want a mic, but since we've been on it, I went on Twitter and I joked around but mostly it's just like, listen to the podcast or stuff, but every once in a while I think of a stupid joke and I was up for like 16 hours and when I got home from San Diego, I tweeted a stupid joke that I deleted, it said something like, I know what it's like to want a marathon because I got home from San Diego without falling asleep behind the wheel or getting a DUI. It was a joke and some people wrote to me and got mad and I responded to them, I had

stuff to drink that night but I would have, I would have like, I would have never taken a two and a half hour drive home drunk and you said some people wrote to you and it's kind of like what the guy emailed you, you got mad at me but it wasn't like you were, you were mad, you like, you spent most of the time just saying like, you know, I, you wouldn't want to like see me in jail or stuff like that. In the five testicle testimen albums, in the fucking 200,000 hours, man, I was a podcasting or talking to you people at home, I've never mentioned the story about driving drunk. You guys know, if anybody knows about somebody who doesn't give a fuck about society or life,

you're looking at it right now, I don't mind a person being fucking nuts, I don't mind, I'll tolerate anything, a person who does drugs, carries a gun, it's when you put other people at risk, listen to how fucking the level I'm going to take you to, I hate when I hear about two kids coming home and getting killed, you know, whatever, kids, anybody. And you're in the news and you wake up in the morning, you hear about two people driving home from a fucking church function, they're killed by two drunk drivers, you're always fearful of, I'm more fearful of them, you know, I know what I'm gonna fucking do, I'm more fearful of the fucking people that are out, I watch everything leave, when I'm in

that fucking car, I watch fucking everything, that light, I'm looking at that light, the other day I saved a little boy, the other day I saved a little boy, two bucks in my house, I saw it going down, I don't understand how, and that's why I watch everything, I don't have time to be fucked up on the streets or be whatever, I love you Leigh, I do not believe in drinking and driving, I don't believe in getting high and driving, and I've weeded my fucking car, now I don't have weeded my fucking car, I get weeded at the fucking house, I don't believe in drinking, I don't believe in anything with a cost to the point where I think I could count on my one hand when I've had an alcohol drink and, you know,

done a show, like I'll get to a show and do it and hang out, and I won't fucking get in that car, I don't even believe in drinking at eight o'clock and getting in the car at eleven o'clock, because you're not a scientist and I'm not a scientist, we don't know what the legal limit anymore, but listen, you want to punch somebody in the head because they call your wife or your girlfriend a cunt, you want to fist fight somebody, whatever you want to do, I tell you, anything is not worth going to jail for a fucking DUI, not in today's world, it's like having a scarlet letter on you, it's worse than having a felony, you'd rather rob somebody than have a fucking DUI, it's a year of your life, you're not

going to go to jail, they're going to find you, you're not going to be allowed to drive, you got to take classes, you got to go to AA meetings, I mean, you don't even have, let you have a job. Yeah, I had a friend who was here, he got one, he moved back to Pittsburgh, but he, for some reason, I don't know, maybe it was multiple ones, but he had to, he had moved back to Pittsburgh, he had to fly back to LA for a weekend, because they were making him do a weekend in jail. Oh, they don't fuck around, they don't fuck around no more, they found the fucking tax,

they found how to find you, did you not read a month ago, they tried to think of the law and the limit? They're making it lower than 0.08, oh jeez, you can't, you cannot have it on your bread, you without a driver's license, tell me what are we going to do, I got to pick you up to do everything. Yeah. You're going to be in there for 70 days minimum, right, six months, you lose your life. It has to be.

Can you imagine, you got to go to Santa Monica by bus? It wouldn't happen. It wouldn't happen, you'd have to pack up and go home, that's why, I know you're falling in love and I know it's beautiful, you're running through the grass right now, you can't drink and drive, can't even have alcohol when you're breathin' to society, she's the one that needs to get drunk to loosen her up, you're already loose, she's the fucking fucking Jew, no more drinking and driving. Oh yeah, and the funny thing is, for people who know me, I don't drink ever, that bottle

of tequila we had, that we had a shot, like a half a shot two weeks ago, I've had in that freezer for about seven months, I never drink. Now I know for a fact that alcohol doesn't affect me, because I don't let it affect me, do you know what I'm saying, when I was a kid it never affected me. You have a higher tolerance? Just, I grew up in a bar. I could do two shots of death and nothing that even happens to me, to be honest with I probably do have a high tolerance to alcohol, because I was in my system as a young kid

and I still don't mess with it, every night I go out I want to drink, do you know that? Every night I go out, I look at the bar and I go, wow, if you had that blue eye flu on Virgin American they'd give you free drinks, if they would've had Kahlua, I would've made a white Russian with a fucking nutty taste to it, with whatever, not Emmets, but Baileys. I love Baileys. I could drink Baileys on rock, shit, with a cigarette, stop it, I'd be walking around like Sinatra and shit, nobody ever know they drink, don't worry about it. Baileys on the rocks?

But you put a little milk, a little fucking rock in there, a little Kahlua, shit, you got yourself a high power to take the Kahlua out and put a little coke in there, a little cowboy white Russian, you never had one of those? I've had white Russians, I've never had one. You put two fingers of Coca-Cola in that motherfucker, you get back to me, you call the Colorado fucking cowboy or something like that? I thought you meant like cocaine coke. I was like, what are you talking about?

That's a complete different cocktail, you know what I'm saying? That's when you get Anazet and mix it with Zambuca and throw a little fucking cocaine on it and throw the fucking Jewish snowball. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? So obviously, that's what me and Loobz, that's funny that you told me yesterday to call Loobz, a lot of people know this is the 100th episode of you, and we didn't know who we were gonna get as a guest and we decided to fuck the guest, it's just me and Loobz, we started at old school.

First time I did blow, me and Loobz were a sophomore in high school. I was October of 79, me and Lilila Loobz went and bought a bottle of Pepmichnaps, which is fucking disgusting, vodka and something else. But we also bought a bag of shaved ice and we took cups and filled them with the ice and packed them with the ice, packed them, packed them, packed them, packed them. We put three ounces of fucking vodka in there and like two fingers of fucking Pepmichnaps. We sprinkled it with cocaine and put it in the freezer. That was our big thing when we were in the sophomore, and we did a couple of lines and

we drank the Pepmichnaps and got a little fucked up. That's crazy. How fucking crazy is that, Lee? It's disgusting. You made like an alcoholic cocaine snow cone. Yeah, and it don't do nothing to you, it does nothing to you, who the fuck are you kidding? Nothing, nothing at all. It's all waste of cocaine and it's all waste of Pepmichnaps, you know what I'm saying?

Jesus Christ. Lee, boom, boom, sayah. A year ago we sat down, you know, I loved doing Beauty and the Beast. I really liked getting together with Felicia. You were still doing it when we started? But I also knew that after eight or nine months we were only going to grow that much. I just knew it. You know, I didn't know anything about the iTunes charts.

I never looked at none of that stuff. That stuff didn't matter to me. I just knew that the podcast could grow so much, you know, Felicia had her boundaries. I don't have any fucking boundaries, you know, I have no fucking boundaries and that's why I wanted to take this to the next level, so I'm very happy you got together with me to do the church because it's a fucking expression. It's freedom. You know what I'm saying?

It's like George Michael's fucking freedom. You just, there's a breath of fresh, you had to do this. Yeah, we started it last September, I think, so it's been about ten months. August, September, right around there, and it's been about ten months and I know, I mean, I always wanted you to do it just because I knew it, like I just, you always like doing morning stuff and you always go off and tell crazy stories. But like for me, I never am at like, if you had asked me a thousand, like name a thousand jobs you'd have, I would never have said doing a podcast.

So it's been, it's been a crazy eight, nine, ten months. It's funny, you started at first and you didn't want a microphone, but I couldn't do up, I couldn't sit here and talk to myself for a fucking hour. I could not do that, Lee. I needed somebody to bounce ideas off of it and shit, so I'm happy that you're, I remember the first time I asked you a question and your face turned so fucking red. I was like, God damn, but I'm happy, I'm happy you're my friend, I'm happy we're putting this shit together every fucking day, Lee, and again, it's, you were looking at me when

I was talking about George before. That's a, it's very rare, guys. Half of you people listen to a podcast at 33, 32, and you're probably hanging with people at work or whatever, and you probably talk to one person or two from high school at 33. And it gets weird at 33. You're still not ready for your 20 year anniversary and everything. It gets really weird when I pulled out of the car at the coffee shop and I went to see George. He wasn't the George I left, he had white hair now.

Oh really? What the fuck are you kidding? I got white hair now, you know, all of my friends got white hair, but it's just amazing that he was sitting there and I could feel the heat from his vision, looking at me and the baby, and I could feel what he was thinking. He was thinking about 30 years ago. He was thinking about the same thing I thought about Friday night when I was with Steve Runney and those guys, and I'm looking at this kid that I know where he used to hide his coke

and 30 years ago, and now what's sitting there at the table looking at his grandchildren. His grandchildren? Yeah, Steve Runney's got grandchildren. Oh, Steve, okay. You know, Philadelphia. I mean, he had two daughters with him and they each have kids. So he's a grandfather at my age, you know? It's just, it's really something.

You ask yourself where life goes. Life fucking moves, guys. Life fucking moves. Life, you know, we're talking about the other day being 25. That for me, I remember still starting stand-up. Like when I started stand-up-ly, I had tried everything one fucking time, and I knew if I got into stand-up that I had to sink my fucking heart and soul into this motherfucker. I'm like, I gotta sink my fucking heart and soul into this, and that's what I did.

Listen to my stomach. I only had fruit. Oh, that was your stomach? I thought someone was walking by or something. No, that was my stomach, and that was corn flakes. I had fruit and corn flakes with breakfast. I had a little bowl of corn flakes and a handful of strawberries and blueberries with the axi doxilence or whatever the fuck it is.

And Mr. Thanks for baking. For you people, yesterday I had a Comedy Central released Aries thing, and it looks really sharp. I could only look at it for three minutes. I saw my fat fucking stomach and my fat fucking neck, and I couldn't watch the rest of it. But that is one of the craziest, you know, a couple of people attacked me online yesterday, and I'm lying and whatever about the heroin. Let me tell you something, man.

I never wanted to do heroin. Heroin was the first time I think I passed out, but I was awake. It was like being drunk, but you were awake, and the next day, or that night, when I got home, I thought of what I had just gone through, and I kept thinking about a nun. You know, I kept thinking about a nun, and then I kept thinking about whatever I was, I saw the Virgin Mary dancing. You can't, you know, and I remember what the Virgin Mary was wearing. Like I still remember, and I don't know if she was the Virgin Mary, I don't know if

I called her the Virgin Mary in my mind. You know, one thing I still remember that the scene, the next day on the heroin, what I liked about doing heroin was the warmth, like this close to God, when you're high, you feel like you're warm, but it didn't matter, I was on this guy's couch, but it felt like I was next to the sun. Okay. It's the weirdest things. I did blow so much that I don't have a memory.

I smoke so much pot, I don't have a memory of smoking pot, I don't know what happens to me when I smoke pot. When I ate pills, I know I passed the fuck out, but the handful of times I did heroin, I always had a different experience, but that one time at Gunter Brown's house was the time that I thought that I understood why, in the back of my mind, I understood why God put heroin on this planet. Yeah. That heroin experience made me real warm on heroin, like I was like, I gotta do this again,

but I can't. Yeah. Even at that age, I knew I wanted to do it again, but I can't, and if you're home listening to this, I'm not advocating it by no means, and I know half years have done heroin one time and you tried it or you still want it, whatever, get the fuck off that shit, but well, not really. Do it one or two more times, and then get the fuck off it, but what? Somebody said to me, you did the wrong thing.

You shouldn't be tripping. When I said the story, I didn't describe it right, like I usually do most of my things. I should have talked about how when I went home that night and reflected on what happened to me. You know, Lee, I saw, I really loved my godmother growing up. I loved women when I grew up growing up. My mother had good, solid women friends, and that night, I saw every one of them, but the weirdest thing that I saw was I saw a nurse that night, like when I got back to the Bender's

house where I was living, I went in the living room that night and I drank a bunch of, and I was still fucked up. Don't get me wrong. That shit fucked me up until I woke up the next morning, but for that piece, I was thinking about the woman who delivered me at the hospital. Who fucking thinks of that shit? Who remembers that woman? I didn't remember her, but for some reason, I remembered every woman I remembered, Mrs.

Sabatino, who was my lunch lady for years, and she'd always wink at me and give me an extra lunch because she knew I liked the sandwiches. I'd give the apple to her son, you know, and she had the younger sons, so I'd give him the milk and the apple, and I'd keep the fucking salami terrible sandwich, the Oscar Maya. Now, had your mom passed away when you did this or no? Yeah. She had passed.

She had been gone maybe 14 months, and I was just an emotional mess, and like I always tell people at that time, at that time right there, I could have been talking to suicide. Up to the time I was 17, I could have been talking to suicide, and then Ozzie put that out and had the suicide solution, and I thought about it. At that time, I was mind strong. I never thought of suicide, but you could have talked me into suicide because I missed my mother so much. The pain was so bad that I wish I could just go to sleep and meet her at that time, but

I didn't have the balls to do it. You know what I'm saying? I've discussed this before. It was terrible. I would never think of suicide, but I would have jumped from that thing over just to fall and wouldn't have called it suicide. You would have go, no, no, no, no. He didn't commit suicide.

He went to jump and missed a roof. I would have done something like that, so it would have looked like suicide. I just didn't have the balls to do it. And that night when I did the heroin, when I woke up the next day, I felt really guilty because I never wanted to do heroin. It had crossed me into a different threshold of life. That's it. You can't return from it.

Once you're a virgin and they shove a dick up your pussy, you can't return from that. You're not a virgin. I don't care whether you bleed, whether you don't bleed, whether you didn't come in yet, whether you didn't come. Once that dick goes in and breaks that fucking skin and blood comes out, you can't reach fucking so that motherfucker. It's over for you. And that's what I did that night by doing that.

You crossed certain lines. When I did cocaine, that was a big disgusting part of my life because in the back of my mind, I was never going to do cocaine. I was in a smoke pot and I would have done acid. When I first did acid, it didn't bother me at all. Why the distinction? Because your mom did it, maybe? No, I just knew that a lot of kinky things had been done with acid.

At that time, I had already known them with people, oh my God, in 1952, the government, when you do acid, you know there's something to this over any fucking drug. You know when you do a blotter acid and it's good acid or you eat good mushrooms that you got something from it. I'm not a big mushroom guy. I never was. I never ate mushrooms until later on in Colorado and they gave me diarrhea. But good fucking acid, I'm on it because I know I'm going to get a lesson out of it.

It's nine hours of accounts compounding that I'm going to get the answer. I'm going to get the answer to it, the fucking questions I need out of life. I'm going to get them that night, but I'm not going to have a pen, I'm not going to remember them. It's like remembering a joke before you go to fucking sleep. That's what it's like. You know what I'm saying? It's like thinking of a joke and going, I remember it in the morning and waking up the

next morning, I don't remember fucking shit. That's what it's like when you go on an acid trip. At that time, I wanted the answers to why God had taken my mother. I wanted what every other young man wanted. I wanted love, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted the answers to come to me and I couldn't get the answers. I kept doing the acid. Anytime I had a brain fart at that age, at 17 or 18, I would do it with acid because

I really had nobody to ask. I had nobody to ask questions to. So I really had to. And you're doing a lot then. You said you were going to go up to Pennsylvania and buy it and sell it. I was doing acid every fucking day. That was the point in my life when I was a sophomore and a junior in those early years. During the week, I would do acid and then some nights I would just do blow, but I was

always doing something. The pain was so bad that some nights I just did the acid and some nights I just did the fucking blow. It was just awful. Jesus. And some nights I did it together, which is awful. And it's so funny how this guy who was fucking breaking my balls on Twitter yesterday, I remember one night doing blow with hallucinating.

Like I did acid in 80, 90, 89, I fucking took a furlough from the halfway house when they were allowed to get furloughs and I went to my in-laws and they put me in a trailer and they had a trailer in the property and I told them, you know what, I'm going to have a furlough. I can't watch TV and I was like, why don't you stay in the trailer and they go, that's a great idea. I knew they were going to say that. They had like cable out there and you could stay up all night.

My plan was to do blow out there all night and I brought home like a six pack of cores and I brought home like a quarter ounce of this Coke, boy. And after the first fucking grandma Coke, I started fucking hallucinating out there. It was hard. You don't hallucinate on cocaine. But I had done so much, I think. I was up so long with the speed in it, made me fucking hallucinate. I don't know what it was.

I kept seeing guys dressed in white with machine guns, those snow guys. You ever see the movie, uh, the James Bond movie? Fighter. Yeah, well, some of the James Bond and the early ones, but what not Fighter? It's got fucking Marky Walbrook shooter at the end when he goes to the mountain. I know the movie. I've never seen it. You've never seen it either.

What the fuck? Shooter. Who cares about shooter? I understand. It's always on TNT. It's not that you care about shooter. It's that it's always on TNT and eventually you go, let me watch 10 minutes of it. Did you watch Silence of the Lambs yet?

It's this weekend. The only fucking people have complimented me on that choice right there. And if you don't watch the movie, you don't have any money. That's no reason to. You can still go to the library and get it for fucking free. No, no, no, I'll watch it. I have to watch the Conjuring this weekend too, which I'm dreading. The what?

The Conjuring. It's fucking horror movie. What's that for? The girl wants to see it. The girl ain't getting it. You got to watch Silence of the Lambs first, forget the Conjuring. No, I'll watch it. I'll watch it this weekend.

Together. Conjuring. You hear my stomach? Let me give you some shout out. Let me give a shout out to, like I said, we've been at, we have a couple, we've had a lot of people that support the podcast and love us and we love them. My man Joy Lee, my man JR down there in Arizona with his shirts helping us out, Gus, Gus. Right for Dusk, the girl, Wanda and Danny Pazzini.

I love you motherfuckers always, you know what I'm saying? Thank you guys. Let me tell you something else. I really like that fucking thing from the on it. That's why I think I can wake up this morning. The night in Daypack? Yeah, I really like that. It's easier shit.

Go to fuckingonit.com. Go to the box, press in church. Here's what you got to try. Try those fucking pack things that I had the other day. I didn't bring it with me today. I don't know that, but it's got a little bit of everything in there. Like the Daytime Pack has the alpha brain, it's got the strong bone in there. The Nighttime Pack has the new mood and the shroom tech immune so you sleep and you recover.

It's a great fucking deal. I think they got some money off on it. Plus, you get a discount from me, Uncle Joey. Go take that pack. It's a pack thing. I don't even know how many packs. It's a 15-day supply. Give it a fucking shot.

If not, I'll tell you what, again, last night guys, like I told this guy, yeah, my cardio is improving. I don't think so. I think it was that fucking shroom tech because I did three or four shroom techs last night, 45 minutes before that class, boy, and I was in tip-top shape when I left that last night. I feel a little sore this morning, but I'm all right. I'm going to get you to tonight at nine o'clock. Oh shit.

Fucking savage, yeah. I got a big day tonight, Lee. So it's perfect. Do it a 15-day pack. It's a 15-day pack. You got a night, a day supply, which you take after breakfast, and a night before you get home, you take like an hour or two before you go to fucking sleep, guys. This is a great deal because you get to sample everything that they order.

So instead of paying $24.95 again in a container one, you sample everything. You see how they mix and match and how they work. Give it a shot. Go to honest.com. Uncle Joey wouldn't bullshit you. I'm telling you right now. We're going to do this fucking thing together. I want to get down to $2.25, Lee.

I got to do it. I love to drop fucking 80 pounds. It's going to be on. I could do it with Weight Watchers or this guy who sent me the note. I answered back to him. He says he's got some super diet that he's been on for five fucking years. Let's see if he's telling me the truth, cock sucker. And when you're on the 15-day pack, you should just sign up and do the two weeks at Hulu

Plus. Like we've been telling you, you can do it on your TV if it's connected to the internet. You can do it on your computer. You can do it on all the major gaming systems. You can do it on your phone. And they have hundreds of shows that are available the day after they go on. After they go on, a lot of the NBC shows are on there, a lot of the CBS shows are on there. I always like Family Guy and The Daily Show.

I like goofy stuff even though John Stewart's not on it right now. How come John Stewart's not on it right now? He's directing a movie in Saudi Arabia or somewhere weird. Come on. Yeah. It's actually an interesting story. He went to, like they interviewed a guy who, like a journalist in Iran or something, like it's one of those countries and his country arrested him for it.

So they're filming a movie based on that. So they have John Oliver hosting for the summer. But you get an extended free trial right now. Go to huluplus.com slash joey, go to joeydeas.net and there's the banner right there. It's two weeks for free. After that you can cancel if you don't want it. But for $7.99, I don't know who and wanted, we're, well, I mean, I know, I use it every day.

Joey and his wife uses it every day and I've gotten a bunch of people saying thank you. So we got new codes. Yeah. Girl Miranda sent this new fucking code. So listen, cut the shit. Cut the shit. This is the church of what's happening now. We over, you know, it's funny how this guy also mentioned, well, you got to push the

honor. Let me tell you something. I don't push something until unless I believe a hundred percent that I get offers. To fucking push it every day that I don't want to push at all. I don't want to put this on your podcast. I don't. I'd rather do a podcast without anything. But you know what?

Everybody needs to make a living and everybody needs a good fucking deal from time to time, whether it's on it or whether it's huluplus. I'm telling you, go to huluplus, put in the code name Joey in the box, big letter. It doesn't fucking matter. Just put fucking Joey in there. You get two weeks for free. Give him the credit card. Who gets a fuck?

What do you got on your credit card? $48 in the bank. It's wet in the fucking. You wrote a check at a Chinese restaurant. Relax. Give him the fucking credit card, $7.99 a month after that. Again, $7.99. That little grandeur, half a fag drink you get, that's $4.50 plus the fucking tip unless

you're a Puerto Rican. Two of those is fucking huluplus for one month. Come at me and say, Joey, it's a scam. Why? I'm not pushing nothing. I'm giving you a fucking deal because you listen to the podcast. You support us. You help Liat.

This helps Lee get to fucking have his little date and he goes to huluplus. He parties and jumps up and down, and if he keeps drinking and driving, he's going to pay for that fucking attorney. So get your shit together. Go to huluplus, press and Joey, get two free weeks, and if you like him, $7.99. You wipe your ass with fucking $8. As far as omnit, you're trying to get healthy. Everybody wants a new shit to get involved.

It's fucking omnit. It's not anything else. It's not men's one a day. That's been around since Jesus left fucking Chicago. I think Abe Lincoln took a one a day. What did it get him? Nowhere. Go to fuckingomnit.com.

And that's it. I'm sorry. We've been doing this for a long fucking time. I like it, Lee. I like you people. You know, I'm sick and tired of you people coming up to me at shows and looking me in the eye. It's very sweet and going, you inspire me.

You know what motherfuckers? You guys inspire me, all right? You guys make me get up in the morning. You guys make me come here and talk shit. The other day, some guy says to me, you talk too much crime stuff on there. I want you people to know that before I was a fucking comic, I was a piece of shit that had nothing. You stick with it.

You get up in the morning. You brush your fucking teeth and you put in your back of your mind. You want to fucking do something. If you don't want to do it for you, do it for the fucking people around you. Do it for the people who fucking care about you so they can be proud. So your sister could say, my brother's a fucking loser. He sits on the couch all day and watches fucking Hulu and he watches the Comedy Central and the whole fucking thing.

Well, things change when they get up. You put your fucking pair of balls in there and you go out there and you tell the world to suck your dick and shit might happen for you. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck am I talking about? It's going to happen. You know what I'm saying? I talk about doing all this shit and then on the other hand, I got the Christmas Day

fucking movie coming out. How the fuck does that happen? Because I stuck with something. Yeah, that's crazy. Not because I'm better than a buddy. Dog's not. I know means. I got a hole in my fucking left sock right now.

Who am I fucking better than? I'm not better than. I don't give a fuck. I'm just telling you that this, this, you laugh. When you sit there and you look at these people who you're standing next to, you're like, these motherfuckers don't know. I robbed a car valet fucking with new chucks. You know what I'm saying?

I robbed a car valet with new chucks and they're standing next to me like I'm some fucking actor with a suit on. Get the fuck out of here. We all put our pants on. Get the fuck out there and tell these motherfuckers what your dream is. Get out there today. Motherfuckers. I just had this image of you in a karate suit with known chucks breaking no car valet.

Breaking motherfuckers up. You, when you walk into a liquor store with a pair of new chucks on, throwing a star at the wall, they'll give you peppermint schnapps, Zambuca, we'll give you electronic cigarettes, whatever the fuck you want. When you rob a car valet, do you take a cake too, just on principle or? Just on principle. I take a bunch of those hats, those hats that they used to put the Sunday in. No.

There's one. What hats? He doesn't eat ass. He doesn't. I trust me. I eat ice cream. Do you have car valet in Boston? Yeah.

Okay. For 30,000 fucking years, once baseball season came. Oh, the baseball helmets. Oh, okay. How many did you have? A couple of the stadiums. They're always emotional. But they won't give you your hat in your area.

Do you follow me? You're from Boston. They'll give you like a Yankee hat to really burn you up. And they'll giggle too. Like, I want to put the red stuff there. We ain't got nothing. We got the Yankees and the Orioles. Take your pick.

You're like, God damn it, I got to fucking get an Oriole fucking hat. And then you take the Oriole hat and you go home and somebody sees you. Like one of your Goombas see you. What the fuck? Then all of a sudden you go out and your friend's like, dog, tell him, you got an Oriole hat for fucking ice cream. What the fuck? No, I didn't get an Oriole hat.

This is what happened. I went down there. I wanted some fucking ice cream. That's all they had. Then you go the next time, they'll give you like a man with a fucking hat or something. Which who gives a fuck about the man who's got his T-Chiro Zazuki. Yeah. They don't give you like where you live.

So they would take all the Boston ones and Mr. Carvel would look at them and go, let's send the Boston ones to Bronx and let's send the Yankee ones to Boston to really get them fired up and we'll sprinkle the Baltimore ones everywhere and we'll give them some Toronto ones too to really fuck their world up. You don't eat your real place for the Yankees now? I know that. That's what I said. Who gives a fuck about Seattle?

Seattle's not there no more. Oh, okay. They's doing good with the Yankees. I have not watched the Yankees this year at all. I haven't watched them. I don't even watch baseball. I don't give a fuck. It wasn't the All-Star game.

Yeah. A lot of suspensions. Oh, this guy just got it. This guy, people hate this fucking guy because he denied it. He lied. Last year he won the MVP and he had a failed drug test, but he got off on it because the guy who, the courier, didn't take it right to the lab. He had it overnight when he shouldn't have, so he got off on a technicality and then

they kept investigating and there's this doctor, I think in Miami, who has a list of all the players he gave drugs to and I don't think it's even come out yet. I don't even know if he had another failed drug test, but I think his name was associated with it, so yesterday they just suspended him for the whole season and he basically admitted to it. Yeah, I made some mistakes and, I mean, Manny's back playing for the Rangers, so fucking, they don't care. No, they're really going to suspend a bunch of people for the rest of the year.

Is that true? A-Rod is supposed to be on the list too, but he hasn't played this year because he's fucking just hurting or just accepting the check or whatever, but yeah, I heard A-Rod's on the list and they're trying to take a harder stance, but not really because players can come back and still make millions of dollars. So it's like, either, I think they should just say, yeah, take whatever you want or just don't tell it, don't ask, don't tell, because they don't really care. They care when it happens, but like, they come back and you're a real family.

I love sports, but baseball, I love the Red Sox, but I can't, unless I'm at the stadium, it's kind of like you, like when you say you can't sit down and watch a game, I can't sit down and watch a game on TV at baseball, it takes four hours and it's one and nothing bigger. Like there's games every year that are like 18 innings and people are there until three in the morning. But you're a fan. Does this insult you that these players aren't doing this as a fan?

No. You don't give a fuck. Maybe I'm too young or something. Do you think it ruins the game or do you think it enhances it? I think if one or two people were doing it, I think at this point, everyone's doing it and if they're not doing it illegally, they're taking so many supplements that it's changed so much from the time when they weren't, because like when Babe Ruth or any of those old guys, they didn't have the supplements or the working out technology.

So I mean, if Babe Ruth was gonna play against the people who aren't using steroids now, he'd probably lose. Like his teams would probably lose. Maybe not an all-star team. But it's changed so much. I honestly, if they want to do it, it doesn't affect me. I know there's purists who disagree and I'm not really that like sold on my stance. It really doesn't, like you always say, what does this change the price of eggs?

It doesn't matter to me if Barry Bonds did steroids. Yeah, he probably, his head's fucking huge and he has a really high voice. He's a weird guy, but he hit 80 home runs in a year or something. It's fun to watch. It's entertainment. It's not like, it's entertainment. I don't really care. It breaks my heart that I'm jaded at sports, but it's like something happened last week

in this country that really fucked up the country, you know, the Chotrey von Mornen. I won't address it. I won't address it because you can never be right and you can never be wrong on what you say or something like that. But I knew from the beginning that this wasn't gonna be right. And my wife, who is, I listen to everything she says because A, that's her life. That's what she does. She reads, she reads a newspaper.

She told me before the trial started, he wasn't gonna quit it. Oh, he's saying, oh wow. Well, she told me right from day one. She told me right from day one. And that's the same way I feel about sports sometimes, like I already know it's fucked up. What do you want me to do to be a part of this? It's just some things you accept in life and it's fucking sad.

That's always made me fucking sad, you know. I also got a lot of emails this week yesterday about the cat story. About the cat. I'm super bad. I love Dealey. I think super bad knows, you know, super bad. I fucking hated super bad when she was outside. I really didn't like him as a cat.

And I did a movie with Jimmy Schubert one time and there was a guy in the movie who was a cat vet, like a specialist on cat, and we were talking and he goes, well people don't really know about cats, is that they're very grateful. They're very grateful. They don't forget fucking anything. They're very grateful. They're very thankful. And I think that when I saved him, he became a little tighter with me.

Like he's tighter with me. I see those pupils getting dilated in the afternoon now and he meows by himself and he rolls on the couch. And I might have the baby in the morning watching SpongeBob and I'm watching him do this. We've gotten tighter. But it wasn't about the cat as much as it was about the promise. And I got to tell you something. I look at the good people in my life and I look at the people with mediocre in my life

and for personal reasons, for the pain he caused in my mother's life, I hate my step father, for the pain he caused in my life with the money and all that shit. But he did so many good things because it made me who I was today. But one of the things that he instilled in me as a child, because he grew up with it, was the promise, the gift of the promise, something that, you know, we've forgotten finger banging in this country and we also forgot the promise. What a promise means, you know, what it means not to people in our lives when we make a promise to ourselves.

In Cuba they have a thing that when your knees are going or you have arthritis, you dress in purple for a year to give light to the saints and Lazaros. And I had a big six foot statue of it in my house growing up, a lot of people. Till the end I always thought it was a burger in my house. I think of having a six foot statue of a saint in your house and he's the saint that has the dogs licking his wounds. He was a leper. Yeah.

And he has whatever you call those things, you know, when you can't... Crutches. Crutches. And I know a lot of people in Cuba that used to make promises to him and they said if you make a promise to San Lázaro that you'll dress in purple three days a week or whatever you'll heal, you know. But just a promise, I thought about the story yesterday, I go what a dumb story I told. You know, you're always over-critical yourself and then I thought about what the story was

about and it was a promise, something that you never thought a guy like me would believe in. Yeah. A promise is big, man. You have problems in your life, you know, whatever. Make yourself a promise. You don't owe nothing to nobody in this life, just to your fucking self. You really do.

And I can't believe that my life changed so much by that fucking promise, Lee. I got a wife now, I'm clean, I have you in my life, we have a podcast together, we've done documentaries, we've done CDs, we've done festival testaments. I did more things in the six years I was off cocaine than the 12 previously that I was doing and doing comedy. Yeah, I did movies and all this stuff. But I tapped into myself, which is what we thrive for in this life, to tap into ourselves what we're really about.

I got that at 50, you know. I got blessed by that at 50 to get tapped into myself because I saw my daughter. I had a daughter once before and we had our problems and the life goes on, but I got a second chance and I look at this daughter's face and that's what my face looked like before I start this whole thing. You know, called life. You get the wrinkles and you get your fucking depressed. So it's really weird, man, what I learned from this promise that I made.

It all started with a promise about a stupid, dirty fucking cat that I swore I would never do below again because the cat would die and I stuck to a stupid promise. No rehab, no fucking meetings and whatever, whatever works for you. But you know what, before you start your day off now and start it with a promise, just start it with a promise. Today I'm not going to do this. Today I'm not going to do this. You don't have to promise it to your mother or your father or your sister or your brother

or your wife. Make the promise to yourself because that's who I think you let down the most, you know. And that's what's made this podcast successful that we've stuck to the promise. We fucking do it on Mondays and Wednesdays and we fucking do it. So thank you. You guys inspire me more than I think I inspire. You guys don't even fucking know it. Thank you for coming to the shows and thank you for supporting Oulu and myself and Lee.

It's been a great year with you cocksuckers. Don't forget, this weekend, one of the best shows you'll see, not for me, for Dom or her. I can't even win. I'm taking notes because I haven't worked with Dom in a long time to see him do a 45-minute set. This is going to be an education. So if you really like comedy, you're going to see a fucking hack and a fucking master. So please, at the ice house, eight o'clock and 10 o'clock, Friday and Saturday, six to

six, five, seven, seven, eighteen, ninety-four, the following Wednesday, right, Liam? We're at the ice house again doing a live podcast with a tremendous special fucking guest. Tremendous. Ten bucks. Wednesday night. What else are you going to do? You're going to stay and watch Dancing with the Fucking Fags?

Come on down. Fucking fucking jerks. That's a completely different show. Dancing with the Fags. You dance till a fag plugs you in the fucking goulash. I just have this image from the, it's either you or the priest when you talk about them flying down and sticking, when you're doing yoga, just have this image of them flying above a dance floor or something, I don't know.

Liam, you're slipping. You better get together. No more drinking and driving. I find it. I would never do that. Fucking break your head. No drinking and driving for no church members. You want to drink, put the keys away.

That's all I had. You want to smoke dope, put the fucking keys away. You could talk. One thing I love about Burke Reischer, call him what you want. The motherfucker takes a town car to the ice out. He pays the 120 so he can drink. He understands. You have to know these things.

You don't want, don't do, don't. If you even taste the alcohol, put the keys down because, like I totally, if they pull you over and they smell you, and even if they smell, even if they smell, even if they smell, did you have something to drink tonight? Yes, of course. I drank a bit. Turn the ignition off and get out of the car. If you lie to him and he smells your fucking breath, you're going to have the same problem.

You know how you handle that? Don't drink. Yeah. Take a fucking edible, a tense drink, go out there and fucking swerve. No. You know what I'm talking about? It's not about, it's, you know, it kills me how people live their life and they don't care for the people outside of them.

When you're drinking and driving at night, you got to care for the people. When you're driving at night, you got to care more about the people who are driving yourself because that's how you get whacked. That's embraced my heart more and to wake up in the morning and see a family that went out for ice cream. Yeah. Get hit by a drunk driver. Nothing.

You look at the car and it's total and this guy was probably stationary. It's like the, it's like the heart of the ball comes in, the heart of it goes out. People don't know that. If I throw a ball at you 20 miles an hour and you hit it, it might hit, you know, the outfield. But if I throw a 90 fucking mile or at you and you fucking clock that motherfucker, that's why I can say go. You got to hit those real heavy balls.

Yeah. So please, don't drink and drive guys. All right. You hear that from your uncle Joey. What do you got for me, Lee? Tell me something. No, it's just, uh, people have been writing to me for a while, like, oh, hundreds coming up, hundreds coming up and it's, uh, it's been a crazy ride.

I would have never thought I wanted to do it. I never would have thought I'd like, if, if anyway, like, I think if anyone else had asked me, I would have said no, but like, we've been working together for like two years when this started. So it, it was weird and everyone, like it's, I'm used to the internet being a place of just assholes. Like if that's, if you go to like any YouTube video, 97% of the comments are negative and I don't know how, how you got it.

But even when we started with Mad Flavors World, there might be one negative comment, which is probably just a guy who just does it as a joke, but 99% of the people we get are positive. And there's a couple of you who I talked to and, and, and who have even, I have a friend like I, when I went down to San Diego this weekend, outside the, George and Becky were walking out of the palm as I was walking it and they're not, it's like, uh, and, and my, the girls with asked me like, Oh, are they, are they fans? I'm like, no, like them and Jordan and, and waterbots, they're friends now.

It's not like, so it's, it's been awesome. And it's, uh, I know, trust me. That's why I try not to talk much. I know you're here to listen to Joey, uh, but I, I really appreciate you guys letting me goof around and take edibles and, and giggle when Joey tells me to jump in jacks. I haven't even fucking seen nothing yet. We gotta give you, there's like three companies developing the Lisa act fucking edible right now.

3000 milligrams, the goomy bad people, everybody. There's nothing to develop. Just put his, just put the THC in there and, and when watching, 400 milligram Lisa with a picture. I'd probably die. We're going to have edibles, but anyway, uh, it's been a great fucking week. I'll talk to you motherfuckers next week. We've got two great shows next week, some great guests.

We just want to do this today alone today, just to let you know how we feel about you. We got a little sobby on here, but who gives a fuck? It's Wednesday. Grab your cock, go out there and pee on somebody, do something with your fucking life and get back to me. Cocksuckers. Remember Joey Diaz.net is where you find the Hulu plus and t-shirts and hoodies and fucking your schedule where you're going to be.

I told Obama's wife, shave that monkey. I'm coming to DC August 24th or something like that. Mrs. Obama coming for you, cocksucker. I love you sexy motherfuckers. Jesus Christ. I love all you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus. Hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Start this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash Joey. That's huluplus.com slash Joey. How was it? I'm gonna give you my love, I'm gonna give you my love, I'm gonna give you my love, I'm

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