Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #073 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

Welcome to The Joint..... It’s Monday, June 14th..... This episode is brought to you by BlueChew & Lucy.Co..... Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY Go to https://www.Lucy.co and enter PROMO Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced/Co-Hosted by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... You can find Ben here: Ben Telford Visuals Cinematography and Visual Promotion Agency, Ontario, Canad [e-mail] Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/b_telford or https://www.instagram.com/bentelfordvisuals  

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waiting for it's Monday morning cocksuckers candles lit let's get this party started what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the 14th of June holy shit the weeks of fucking flying let me tell you something I had a great week last week a great little breakthrough week last week I talked to Mike we had a I told Mike to start watching me a little better and it was for nothing you know sometimes in life you get stuck I've been stuck the last ten months and you guys noticed it I know it I feel it just every once in a while you know you go through shit the

last ten months I've been feeling how I felt after I got my divorce when I got divorced in 91 there was a year after my divorce that I just wasn't right I wasn't stable mentally stable like I was having fun and I was doing comedy and all that stuff but I wasn't really feeling like myself and that's what's been going on lately and I thought it was a big fucking problem you know I thought it was a bigger problem than what I was I mean how can somebody do something for 30 years and not want to do it I thought that I've been acting a little differently since I moved here I've been a little bit more cautious a

little bit less less movement I felt an LA I was getting pulled from every direction and I wanted that to change for me to be a little help happier and healthier and that's what I've been focusing on you know I got friends that call me like hey what are you doing today at 330 this guy wants to meet you that's those days are done like those days are done I'm too busy with the fucking kids and you know my own world and what the fuck is going on and it's but it's so funny how it's taken people nine or ten months to realize I'm not the same guy I used to be especially since I moved here because I put more

focus into what I needed to but one of the things that brought me back and we're gonna go through this we're gonna keep hearing about this because I can't believe that I preach it to you and sometimes I forget to fucking use it you know Mike you journal yeah okay it's really weird I journal and I like journaling and I pushed it on you people for fucking 30 years you know it helped me to get off the coke it helped me when I was locked up it helped me in a lot of ways and I didn't even know what I was doing I didn't people called it a diary when I was growing up everybody had a diary with a fucking

lock on it and don't look at my diary I don't want to read your shit I don't read nobody shit you know but that's the thing it used to have a lock on it with a little key not listen a fucking four-year-old could pop it open that lock don't stop nothing from nobody it's like when people have a safe in their house guys like me we just pick it up and take it to go you know I'm saying that's great you gotta say if you better fucking staple it down welded into the wall I can't open it but I'll take that motherfucking safe to go we'll take it in the car we did it a couple times I was gonna drop a name on you but I want to

drop no names I don't want to recur any felonies the shit like that you'll probably watch the podcast and call me back and go yeah we took a safe one time we opened it up there was number quarters in there and we ended up throwing it a fucking lake unbelievable thing was to wait 800 pounds quarters ahead dog I picked that motherfucker up I picked it up and I could feel my balls blowing up I dropped it and I said fuck it I'm just gonna push it down the stairs and I started pushing the safe down the stairs and it was rolling it hit the bottom floor and then I had to get the safe to the back

door on the bottom so I pushed the safe down and it banged into the fucking door now I had to go down there and fucking body fucking pushed the fucking safe to open up the door and I open up the door and I go into the fucking thing to see if my buddy's out there and my buddy's out there with his trunk open but there's a cop car sitting there they just sitting there watching for traffic and I'm like holy fuck the alarm didn't go off I'm like what the fuck happened we get the fucking safe I get them I tell him drive around with the cops there the cops stayed right on the fucking corner go drive around I go you gotta help me

with the safe it weighs fucking 10,000 pounds he gets out the guys in the guy's street name was the lip we pick up we pick up the fucking safe we put in a trunk of the car we go back to his house I'm banging this fucking thing he's got a welding fucking thing we finally bust the thing open we're expecting to see 50 fucking G's and so help me God it was a bag of chains this fucking big and maybe eight dollars and singles you don't know what that does to your confidence level if you think I was struggling the last couple weeks you should have seen the look on my face that night and then we had to take the

fucking safe carry it pick it back into the fucking thing the kid cut his hand he had to go get eight stitches because when he welted it he fucking left the metal up and he fucking sliced his hand so we had a fucking throw the safe in the water he had a bandage on his hand and then we drove to the house when I had to sit there like a fucking asshole for three hours while he got like fucking 18 stitches in his hand my point is with the fucking diaries you cannot you know you want to write stuff in there and you hope that nobody bumps into that stuff what I usually do is after a couple of years I just take him and burn

them or shred them you know my wife I'll tell my wife to shred them you know but I was struggling until about six days ago and I changed my journaling routine what I did was I added a Steve Simone trick you open up with gratitude what are the five never mind what you ain't got never mind what your pals got never mind what Burke Christ is got never mind what you know Whitney Cummings got what do you have that you're grateful for five things he told me the same in the shower a bunch of us do that me re five things you're grateful for every day when you wake up in the morning you wash your pussy when you're in that shower say

I'm out loud not in your head you have to say them out loud five things I'm grateful for my daughter my wife the second chance God gave me the house and my career how it ended up this could have fucking ended up worse the low more man wants to come down a fucking oh Monday morning cocksucker he shows up with landscape you know I'm saying whatever the fuck man scape landscape so you say five things that you're grateful for every day every fucking day Steve Simone taught me that years ago and you get up and you say it in the shower and it's great and lately when I'm driving in the car instead of fucking listening to

the radio I just talked to myself in the car make him believe I'm talking to somebody else do you know I'm saying and I'll say what am I grateful for today I'm grateful that I'm driving I'm grateful that I have a job I'm great you know all these things because sometimes we fucking forget what really is going on who get you know you didn't get that job at the dental office who gives a fuck you got a beautiful wife you got a beautiful daughter you know you know things are happening so we forget that shit we overlook it and that's what's been going on with me lately I've been focusing on why don't I want to do this

instead of the things that I am doing you know we're writing a book with putting a weed strain out hopefully today me and Mike shoot a fucking little video for an NFT you know there's always there's always something to do you know I don't want to do stand-up yet you know I see all these people putting up all these fucking schedules and stuff like that I'll be out don't worry about it I got a time and a place and a plan I got a summer that I want to fucking enjoy you know I'm saying all these schedules are going up you seen all these schedules going up and I got a summer I gotta enjoy I got guns and roses coming August

5th fucking met life they're coming back September 11th and 12th I think my wife is getting tickets for PNC for somebody else steely Dan is there with their little jazz trio I mean guys we got a great fucking summer here I'm not if you think I want to tell my wife and a bunch of people at 630 I gotta leave to go do a show in Morris Plains get the fuck out of here I'm fucking partying with them I'm doing everything I don't give a fuck so what I took with the journal was this week I started instead of just writing you know Monday July what's today's dating in the 14th whatever Monday June 14th I open up with five

things that I'm grateful for today you know the second chance I got the fucking just everything getting out of LA not going to Austin you guys see what happened over the fucking weekend I woke up to that on Saturday fucking morning you know I get a call an anonymous call last week from a dear friend telling me that he just don't like Austin he can't you know there was it was not for him that the homeless is out of control the traffic is out of control and that downtown was very violent that somebody had thrown a bottle at him and I knew Lee was going fucking down there and I came home and I called that motherfucker

right away and I told him I said Lee you gotta do me a big fucking favor and he's like what and I'm like I said let me tell you something I go do you need this Austin money because I just mail it to you I go I don't care if you're going to Austin but I want you to fucking be careful I've spoken to a couple people that have played a club down there and they say the walkway from the hotel to that club is a bit fucking dangerous he had to walk around and the second night he had to tell the owner to drive him and Lee you know you guys know I care about Lee he's you know I don't want him to get beat up you know I'm saying I

don't want him to get mugged or nothing like that so I called him and I fucking told him listen buddy it's the hotel and the club and you and the Agostino you got you know his strength in numbers if it's that type of situation you know I'm saying I don't know but because I heard the downtown Austin was really bad so I called him and I called fucking the Agostino and I told him both a you guys got to watch each other's backs tomorrow I can't lose Lee and I can't lose the Agostino be careful do your sets don't make any unwanted movements fucking I told Lee to call me when he got down and tell me what he thinks and

he said that the traffic was fucking horrific and that the homeless people everywhere looks like a little model of LA and that was it you know I was happy he had a show I didn't want to bother him Friday nights I didn't call him back he I told him don't call me back up to the show go have a beer go have a good time fucking Saturday morning I wake up to my wife waking me up at 7 30 that there's been a shooting in fucking Austin dog guys I know you're not gonna believe this I fucking levitated off that bed the only reason why I didn't hit the ceiling was because I had my sleep mask me a mask you think I'm fucking

kidding you dog I fucking levitated off that fucking bed you know that's my little fucking brother I took that mask off and I ran downstairs and sure enough there was a text from Lee saying hey buddy I'm fine I know you're gonna read this I don't want you to worry about it I called him up I asked him what happened he kind of you know told me what he had heard whatever it was one shooter you know so that was you know every day has been something that it was a very fucking exciting week last week I mean Monday we had practice tools that don't know what the fuck happened Wednesday we had a drive for a playoff

game we drove all the way down to guys you guys know I lived in Seattle you guys know I lived in Colorado so when I tell you this I tell you this from the heart I saw a rainstorm on fucking Wednesday that was so fucking intense and so beautiful at the same time I almost fucking died it started with just a couple drops and all of a sudden we were we were on the playing field we were not even on the playing field we were in the grass talking because they said that the game got pushed back 20 minutes in case it was gonna rain so we were just standing there and all of a sudden we felt a couple fucking things come down

and all of a sudden it just opened up and it started fucking hailing June whatever June 8th 9th whatever the fuck Wednesday was it's fucking hailing we're in we weren't even in our car we my friend that's a detective he has a big truck we all because that was the closest truck to us we all jumped in there we sat in that car in that rainstorm from 5 to 6 to 635 watching that fucking rainstorm come down thunder everywhere by boom but boom everybody was fucking freaking out nobody was driving everybody stayed in place because there was nobody I saw a fucking drive a parking lot get three

inches of water within fucking a minute in that 35 minutes when me and my wife had a run to that car listen she had an umbrella and I had an umbrella over mercy and we both were fucking drenched my wife's panties were fucking wet her bra my shirt everything we had a fucking come home and then then we were freezing in the fucking car because it was cold out tremendous I shot a movie on Friday in New York City fucking tremendous if you see the smile on my face it's because I forgot I forgot about how much fun that kind of shit was it was fucking sensational and it wasn't inside a studio because when you

shouldn't the studio was great blah blah blah we shot on the fucking Midtown Manhattan in front of a fucking in front of people there was barricades there was people yelling it was fucking tremendous to get the vibe from the city it was let me tell you something I had to drive to Queens on Wednesday for COVID test even though I got the vaccine the whole thing they didn't give a fuck then I had to go back to Queens on Thursday for wardrobe and then I had a shoot in the city on Friday no big deal I'm like I was fuck I was very fortunate to get a job I put the audition on tape like a month ago I'd

forgotten all about it I went over for Friday it looked cloudy like it looked like it was gonna rain on the way up I'm like fuck I'm not gonna be able to shoot this now I gotta come back on Monday I think we scheduled for another fucking day and I got this hand because I hate having shit hanging over your head I like booking that type of shit you book Wednesday you shoot Friday that's the way it's supposed to be once they start telling you August 18th you're like god damn it I gotta wait too long it's fucking 18th so I went over there Friday I was a little you know you hear shit about the city so you're a little

apprehensive you're hearing that they're hitting people on the head with sticks or whatever I haven't been over the city too much since I've been back you know twice this lat three times this week but I drove down 42nd Street it was fucking tremendous all clothes I saw all the places I used to go that's completely fucking different I mean it's completely different I don't know what the fuck they did down there there's no sex world on the corner no more you know I used to sit I drove down 42nd Street and you hit ninth and you got port authority there right across the street used to be sex world but on

that fucking corner is a tremendous they used to be a tremendous little Arab dude who made sabred hot dogs with the rat tail on and everything still tremendous dirty water dogs and he's got little stakes on the stick little cat meat on the stick let me tell you something listen usually I wouldn't eat that shit that motherfucker gives you the meat with a piece of bread on top you put some Frank's hot sauce on that motherfucker oh lordy I couldn't wait to catch a bus in New York when I lived in the fucking 90s and 80s I couldn't wait to get a bus because the first thing I do I would take my hunger right to that

motherfucker I'd open up with like four sabred hot dogs and then I'd open up with like two or three stakes on the sticks you guys one now I got the 418 and two cans of fucking coke and then I would go to Harlem and get weed and eat Cuban food up in Harlem all and then come back to port authority and smoke another fuck and eat some more steak on a stick that guy wasn't there no more and across the street from there used to be a thing called sex world years later Jamie Masada put the last factory on top of sex world really yeah it was disgusting I never performed in there but I used to like fucking eight months not too long

I sat on that fucking corner eating steak on a stick and hot dogs and I would watch all the Hasidic Jews at seven in the morning go in there like tons tons rub on and sometimes I would go you don't get rubbed on what you do you go into sex world and what you do is it's disgusting listen you have to be a disgusting person to go into this thing and this it just wasn't it was everybody I was discussed I mean I've been going to sex world since I was like 13 they look condoms and dildos and shit no it's like going to a fucking go into Jenkins since you know what Jenkins this is in point pleasant it's like a

an arcade so it's an arcade for sex okay this is this is an arcade I swear to God sex world was fucking a disgusting arcade for sex it was basically you walk in and there's like three guys with those aprons on with tokens in their pockets right and you go up to them you can like attend and they give you a handful of disgusting tokens disgusting tokens okay forget Bitcoin this is sperm coin this I don't know what valley this has rusty pennies and then they have a circle okay it's like an oval room with different boots okay different boots all around and when you approach them you'll see a guy walk out of that

boot and nobody makes eye contact they look down they would walk out looking at the floor and they would walk out and you would look like what the fuck is wrong with that guy until you open the door and looked on the floor and there's a ball of sperm on the fucking floor and then the guy goes excuse me a little Mexican guy would go excuse me and he would come in with a mop with like disgusting water and just throw it on the sperm clean up put it back in the bucket and go you ready senior okay thank you and you'd go in and they either had they had two of these they had the one with the glass okay so you had a

glass and then and you could just look in and it would be so like I as a kid as a 12 and 13 year old the the first time we did it was great because we would go and at first a window would open and it would either be a skanky fucking white chick you know I just shot up heroin because that's what they do their hookers and then they go there to make extra money at six in the morning so what you do is the window opens up and you put tokens and and you put your dollar by the window and she comes over and you can either suck a tit or finger you could get as much as you want for whatever until she leaves it was

disgusting you had to be 12 to fucking even enjoy that thing you know you stick your hand in you're trying to finger her you guys still remember running out of there and like all our friends getting together going what you get I got a kid it's not my hand oh shit it's fucking disgusting when you're 13 but you're a kid one time we played hooky one time a bunch of us played hooky in the eighth grade and we went over there and we took this kid with us that just transferred his name was Paris great fucking kid we went over there I told the story on the church we went over there we got some tokens there was

sex world and then if you went on 42nd Street there was other little copycat ones there was a place that sold IDs you could buy IDs for you know to go to clubs and shit like that they had all that shit I'm talking about the 70s to see it now and what was going on then it's two different fucking years like and now with what's going on the city that Disney store they got on 42nd Street close it let's go back to sex world not that I would go there but that's what people really fucking wanted anyway the other ones had the windows that opened but you had to keep putting tokens in that motherfucker or they were closed and that

was a time I went in with the kid and he was sucking a tit and he forgot to put things on and the window locked on his thing and they had a call the fuck we left them you know us we fucking ran outside they called an ambulance and they got this thing and the kids are fucking state trooper now in San Diego that's why I didn't go to San Diego that much because after that thing caught him in the neck they transferred him his mom transferred him out of McKinley I don't know why but we were going to sex world as fucking kids and it was disgusting then but we could look in you know as a kid when you're 13 you don't

know what the fuck you're looking at you think you know about sex you have no idea so what it would be it would be a room you go in there there's a window there was three different styles you either had to check that one from window to window and you could suck a tit and finger her for a dollar dollar 50 whatever the fuck he had changed as long as you were putting tokens in a lot of times they come up to you and you're negotiating and the window would go down and you're like fuck it and you put the token in and all of a sudden you're like working on tokens like you're like what can I get real quick I don't know you

know they weren't gonna suck your dick and I'm like that it was you feeling that tit or you trying to finger them so you had that style or whatever then you had the style that was just a glass and they put that tit on the glass and you just sit there and rub one out and then fucking it's disgusting you're fucking sneakiest your sneakers would stick to the floor like you would hear your sneakers when you were in this fucking place just disgusting but then they had the ones where it was just people having sex that's like the the 3d that was like when they went deep so it started with the people having sex it was just

like some fucking white dude like a bent dick it's just you have no idea this when you leave that you didn't feel too good you know I'm saying when you were 13 you're like oh like it was fucking disgusting he would have like a curved dick and the chick would be fucking you could see the track marks on arms and he would be fucking there and you would just sit there but you could see your friends in the little windows yeah they're all in little windows and you could tell who's jerking off you know I'm saying so you gotta keep your shit straight like you know if you fucking yeah you gotta jerk off cappuccino from

this position over here like just make believe like nothing was going on but they had those type of fucking sex shows where they were just fucking the middle but then they had the special ones when they would fuck in the middle and they had chicks rotating and the windows would open and you could finger them and stuff like that and you know you could you when the window opened smell it oh oh and then when you walk the fuck out here comes Johnny mop with the hot boiling water on the fucking sperm and you look at that bucket I remember one day I just looked at that bucket and I'm like god damn how many kids are in

that fucking bucket this is a busload of kids in that fucking bucket just just but it has changed they really fuck out listen guys I haven't lived here in 23 fucking years when I came to New York to do shows what do you think I fucking sightsee that was a fucking tourist I got family to see and shit like that so I never got to see so I for three days in a row I drove down 42nd Street and the memories that came back to me were fucking you know and that's why like I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me you know the last couple weeks with the journaling and it came to two things it really did come to two things

I came back to a place that had so much pain involved when I was growing up you guys forget I found my mother on the floor on a hit of acid do you have any idea what that does to your mind I do because I lived through it I didn't fucking gank myself even though I wanted to fucking die I didn't I kept it together and the best I could I know I was a drug addict and I did a bunch of bad things but when I came back here you know when I would come back to New Jersey to do comedy shows it was three days I didn't have a chance to think about what went what was going on or what happened or what didn't happen I

would be focused on comedy and I seen my friends and going out to dinner and stuff like that this move made me it made me look into the fucking closet guys made me look into the closet and look at those skeletons and remember I had I have a skeleton closet like everybody else a main one but I have New Jersey guys it's own little skeleton closet do you know I'm saying like I have a big skeleton closet like the one behind Mike is sitting and then they got a little closet over there that's my New Jersey secret closet that's my skeletons in that closet but those skeletons hurt there's a lot of pain involved with

those skeletons so I figured that out through what is fucking wrong with me what is affecting me what is making me feel not like Joey like Wildman Joey you know and listen guys I've been smoking the last couple nights I've been smoking I roll I go on my little porch at night I get my little fucking tea and I smoke and it's putting me to sleep the plan I had is working I slept great last night I slept great the night before guess what I called Mike did they want to say to you less is more I said less is fucking more Mike I found that out last night it's working I stopped putting all that fucking whatever in

there I gave you some ABX's he sent us a shout out the ABX the best fucking edible in the business I don't give a fuck what anybody has to say the best you understand me and how do I know cuz I one million served about that when it comes to ABX I got the fucking look at this and this is a these are the good ones that hundreds oh yeah this is the one Mike don't like the 200s I like the 200s but those ones hit me I don't know this one hit the 100s hit Mike Mike told me that that the hundreds hit him harder than the 200s and I started experimenting with and I think Mike's got a fucking point they sent me the 25

milligrams sleepy time yeah and I dropped one of those last night with the tea that's it no more syringes it feels good I'm still man the fucking dreams the skeletons are coming on the dreams man that listen I enjoyed it down in the morning fuck yeah I listen I enjoyed this and part of my route you listen that thing that Rogan those guys are doing sober October I got to admit it to you guys I made a mistake by not doing it and I'm very sorry the bigger the man the bigger the mistake you just cop to it you know me I tell you guys I I fucked up I didn't want to be a part of it and now I'm gonna do one every year I'm not it's

not gonna be October I'm gonna know when I need it I'm gonna know last night yesterday I went over to do you know Friday I went over to do that movie I'm the type of guy when I go on a set I bring edibles I bring reefer yeah no because there's people there and they help you they help you tie in your shirt they tell you that you have lint on your thing they they come to you they're trying to make you look good so thumbs I always take edibles and always bring weed on sets with me soon as I go to the makeup trail and I see those girls they start talking I base what they're listening to the music they're listening

to and I listen to the conversation and right away I'll go you ladies want to get high and the room will stop they're like what are you talking about I brought the weed that fucking Jerry Lewis gives the kids when they stop fucking raising money yeah and they look at me like what are you talking about and it the same was yesterday Friday same thing on Friday I went in the makeup chair boom boom boom she was cool as fuck then she gave me the hair they cut my hair a little bit they trimmed it up a little bit they gave me this little meringue gate hoop-doop-doop fucking hairdo and I totally you ladies got an eye like yeah

let me tell you something I just told the one girl just walked me back to the trailer and she was like fine she was cooler than shit she was married to another girls she was part of the LGBT community cool as shit she goes I'll walk you we walked back to the trailer I opened up that fucking bag and I just hand I go put out your hand she was what she went like this I go she was that's too much I'm thinking give it to the fucking girls go give it to the other girls if you don't want and then I gave them that those powdered edibles yeah the pure one how do they work for you they're alright I put two of them in a

water bottle and nothing they need I need like I think you need more yeah that's what it was because I did like three of them that time but I gave it to my buddies and they enjoyed it they said they got my there's a new thing called pure wanna it comes in a box I'm sorry I used them you know I gave them away yesterday or Friday whatever the fuck and you just rip them put them in like this much of water you shake them and I'll get some more and I'll turn you guys on to them I think they're gonna be at the ice cream shop cuz I just referred them to the ice cream shop and then you got the AD's that walk you these you

little young college kids you know how much money do you think they make what do they get rich making a fucking movie you asked them you get high when the kid came and got me at the parking garage you get hot dog yeah I do here's an edible thank you now they're working that fucking kid stuck to me like glue bitch motherfucker he wouldn't let nobody talk to me get away from him go away he had an umbrella it started raining he put an umbrella over me I'm like what the fuck he goes man you're a great guy thank you for helping me I haven't had we like that cuz they smoked it they went and fucking got high by the time I was

shooting 10 people already this is this is my type of day some girl came up to me afterwards she's like thank you for blessing the set today right you were fucking great you you know and I was I was excited I was excited to fucking work I was excited that's a fucking movie guys I'm a bum I'm a bum this is why I tell you if I could do this shit any if you could fog up a fucking glass the other day somebody came to me my daughter's best friend's mom was like they're offering a podcasting course at like a college around here she was why don't you go teach it I'm like who would take a podcasting course do you

know I'm saying like probably a lot of people for three credits you can just go on YouTube everyone I know I know I know I don't know what the fuck I was talking about but anyway the set got nice and lit and it was just a blast it was really a blast you know man I gotta tell you something guys and then and I don't I've become a good little fucking actor in the last couple years you know I played myself I'm just I don't know what the fuck I do you know I hate watching myself I would never watch myself as soon as I come on I can't fucking hear my voice but from time to time sometimes I go let me just look at

like I watched the first marin I did I think that's the best work I've ever done in my life I really do I think the Marin let me go crazy got kudos to him he was like do what you do dog so I did what he told me to fucking do and it was great you know when I first got that lane nobody talked to me as a comic nobody talked to me they even though I was at the store Rogan talked to me Ari talked to me Duncan talked to me but nobody else wanted then nothing to do with me I was at the store ripping it up but nobody would talk to me you know what that felt like it felt fucking pretty shitty everybody was going to

Montreal agents were signing everybody nobody was talking to me meanwhile I'm at the store the fucking 1230 following Paul Mooney fucking throwing heat every fucking night just getting better stronger and then when they would put me into the regular shows and there was a fallout and I would go 1030 I blow that fucking room up nobody would talk to me that's fine I figured that I would just keep getting stronger maybe had an add something to my arsenal you know when I got that way I was a $50 show feature if you're my agent you get $5 you can't make no money with $5 when I give you $5 $50 right so they send you out for

auditions now I never fucking acted what do you think I grew up going to acting class in New York come on I would rob acting class I don't know about fucking acting I'll you know you learn how to act you fucking with credit cards when I would use like a fucking weird names credit card like you you go in like ming ho if I go with ming ho's credit card and use it and the guy looks at you and you your name is men yeah okay that's fucking acting you know I mean I'm just using that that used to be a bit I used to do because it was true if you could fucking you use a stolen credit card with an Asian guy's name on it you

could fucking act as dumb as that fucking sounds so I took a couple acting classes I didn't go into it blind I took a couple acting classes I didn't want to be a fucking asshole you know I had already blown off the pilot and I had already to embarrass myself in baseball I wanted to know what I was doing so I went and I took a formalized acting class I didn't make it my life I didn't go out at night you know I gotta go home and rehearse my scene from the Godfather fuck those people you know you get people that take that shit really fucking serious I rehearsed and I did the things and I went to the cold reading

workshops you know I did what I had to do just to get by I didn't submerge myself into it you know I figured that the more I do it the better I get and I had a great manager at the time that was sending me out and I was building my resume you know if you look at my MDB guys it's tremendous I got tons of shit on there so now I'm in a position that I don't really know what I want to do but I might as well fucking act while I'm here I would I mean my dream guys my dream would be to be on law and order recurring that would be my fucking dream I mean blue bloods is going on this is the last season so I missed out on that

that's a great fucking show it became a fucking great show for 20 years CBS couldn't put together a show 10 o'clock on Friday nights I remember years ago they were struggling on Friday nights first they had a show with Joe Pantley Anna on and that bombed and then they had a show with low Rob Lowe and that bombed and then you know what they did they put a show with Joe pants and Rob Lowe together and then that bombed on CBS nobody remembers that one check it out you'll see Rob and I'm lying to you Rob Lowe show was on NBC that bombed at 10 Joe Pant show was on CBS that bombed at 10 so they put up together and then

they put it together on CBS and they still bombed at 10 o'clock so fucking ABC had Tim Allen see everybody's trying to get that Friday night show always remember when you watch TV some networks like fuck it we're gonna lose Friday anyway why try it no there's people that stay home yeah there's tons of people that stay home so you got to try to win Friday night so that's why Tim Allen the last show I think man standing I'm not sure what something was on Friday night they're always looking for something for Friday night that and blue bloods was great NBC this year decided to fucking shoot you know they

have law and order organized crime which that's the one I'm going for but then I looking for mugs like mine they're looking for a little bit more Americanized faces so people don't get their feelings hurt so what I'm thinking of doing is law and order picked up like four fucking shows this year they did like law and order fucking if you abort some of the kid law and order helicopters law and order fucking DA's office they're doing like four pilots they check it out I'm not lying to you so I would love to get recurring on law that's my fucking dream to be a detective something like that so who the fuck knows

I acted last week it was great I'm gonna keep putting auditions on tape and I put about six of them on tape but because of my focus issues I cannot remember the lines guys this is how bad I was a month two months ago three months ago now I'm starting to read now I'm starting to read that Rob Halford book again I was starting to read the Jimmy Page book I was up to the part where he just joined his first band so it was really the interesting Jimmy Page book interesting I did not know this and I knew this but I didn't know this for you fucking music buffs they were all influenced by one song because of one song the Stones the

Beatles and Jimmy Page got into music the King of Rock Elvis Presley I forget the name of the song no one whatever something no room for candy something like that Jimmy Page picked up the guitar after you heard that song Keith Richards picked up the guitar after you heard that song and there's somebody else that credits that song and it kills me today that we don't see more Elvis on TV I grew up on Elvis I fucking loved Elvis growing up since I thought he was great dog I saw a picture Elvis about two months ago listen I'm not gay but I give props you know I'm saying I'm not gay but I give props I know when a man

is fucking really good-looking Brad Pitt is a good-looking motherfucker how do I know I watched Moneyball three times this week I love fucking Brad Pitt okay I'm a Brad Pitt motherfucker I'll stab a motherfucker for Brad Pitt but that dude is a good-looking fucking dude will we talk about Elvis Elvis Elvis Presley I saw a picture him about a month ago I call my wife I go I've never seen a pretty a man's face in this guy right there he you have no idea how much I love Elvis as a kid jailhouse rock that's my jam do you understand me that jailhouse rock that movie that whole fucking thing I was I remember fucking

when we were kids there was the ABC after-school movie every day 430 and they used to have Gidget Week fucking Elvis week Elvis goes to Hawaii you know fucking jailhouse rock I haven't watched one of those movies in 20 fucking years nobody talks about Elvis no more it's like Elvis doesn't fucking exist Quincy Jones just was talking about was he Elvis apparently he was a little what racist yes yes Elvis was I'm not sure he was racist I have a problem with that you know I have a problem with that you know Elvis was a hero the most but he never meant shit to me was straight-up racist a sucker was simple and plain

motherfucker man John Wayne cuz I'm black and I'm proud already I'm hyped for some most of my heroes don't appear in those stamp you know I heard kind of you know he robbed the black man you know that's that's the word on the fucking street I don't know how true it is I wasn't there it was way before my fucking time you know I don't know what what was what but I do know that in this book I was reading he influenced it was I forgot the name of the fucking song when somebody sees the podcast put it up on on the fucking comments you know nobody fucking talks about Elvis how did we get on talking about Elvis anyway I love

this song that yeah Richard's Jimmy Page so I'm looking up here it's not pajama pants and nothing like that no one for fucking whatever this fucking guy has to come on Monday fucking mornings can you believe this shit I'm trying to fucking do my little podcast in here and fucking peace dude they came a couple days ago to my house broke our window our whole door window to get in the house they have to replace our whole which they shattered it with one of those things that's flowing out there with I came over the pocket I'm like the fuck out of the window play one thing it's the fucking other guys but yeah baby let's play house

yes that's it I mean I think that's it yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's not like if you listen to the jam it's a great jam it's not a fucking since it's not fucking you know sad but true but it fucking works you know it works for me a little bit but uh you know you never know who influences what I've heard different stories about John Wayne being racist I've heard different stories you know I read an article that a couple weeks ago that's why I had a I didn't know if I was gonna put Eric Clapton up slow hand I read this article that people were complaining that he made remarks in 19 whatever gives a fuck it's weird with

art man because I have a lot of artists that I love their art but it's like what were they thinking I don't know what you know I don't know what I don't know what I heard that Eric Clapton said some stuff about throw him out of England this I don't fucking know I don't know I don't care you know what I leave it up to the music I'm the type of guy listen and this is even goes for me okay this goes for me and this goes for anybody else and if you have a problem with this I don't know what to tell you if you listen to what comes out of a celebrity's mouth for political if you're banking on a celebrity what he has to say you know

if I like Brad Pitt but I don't give a fuck what he's got to say you know I honestly you want the honest to God truth everything give a fuck what he's got to say look at my boy Bruce Springsteen he talks shit he got a fucking DUI you know you can't you can't you know these fucking celebrities sometimes say shit you know a couple weeks ago they did the Academy Awards I think I don't know what they did the Grammys I don't know don't don't quote me on this but they fucking it was downtown LA the cops are surrounded the place for them so the homeless wouldn't attack them you know they defended the place and have

these people going up on stage talking shit about the cops you know the cops defund the police blah blah blah but I'm not listen I know we have a police problem in this country I saw the video again from Glendale the shoplift that I got beat up by four cops you know right now the world's on his fucking axis you gonna see more and more this now whatever this has been going on for 2,000 years now is the time to fucking pick it out and I understand and I understand that it's getting rougher but listen you know I was in New York Friday like I told you I saw a lot of cops and I saw a lot of shady little things I saw

something I wasn't gonna talk about on here but I gotta talk about it I saw something that was so fucking disturbing as I was walking in New York just one thing it was the only fucking thing that only negative that I saw I saw a beautiful beautiful Asian woman I was walking and I was about to hit the thing and there was cars coming so she was on the corner but on the street a little bit and she was I as I was walking towards the corner I saw her trying to flag a cat okay she was like this like with a hand out and as I I got to the light she was maybe seven feet from me you know like she was where the fucking

AC DC poster is okay but maybe three more feet behind me and she was facing that way and I heard a cab driver pull up I don't know what national he was I'm not here to say anything and he goes you got a better day of dying than me picking putting you in this cab you and me and this little young guy just looked at each other like fuck hate is real right there right I mean it was right behind me guys she was out there waiting I didn't even think about I just thought she's fucking hot she's fucking look at this this is the real deal here in New York is back bitches and the cab driver pulled up to her and he lowered

his window he's like you got it'll be a cold day in hell before I pick you fuck up and he fucking sped away and I actually like turned around and I wanted to go up to her and ask her if she was alright but in today's condition the last thing I needed was for her to turn around karate chop me and then fucking next thing you know I'm fucking in trouble I don't know because I know if somebody if I was waiting at a fucking thing if I'm waiting for a fucking cab and somebody goes hey you spick you know you got a fucking it's a cold day in hell before I pick up a fucking spick like you up I'm gonna be like what the

fuck just happened like I you know what if you don't want to pick me up just don't pick me up just keep going just keep going right that that's what I would do I don't want to pick her up I don't pick him up I would pick her up because she's beautiful just to talk to it just to see where she's from I mean well you know who's your mother who's your father I want to I want to go suck your dad's dick you're so fucking good-looking that's her old Richard Pride joke don't be fucking saying I stole Joe's I just remembered it you know I just wanted it you know I'm saying to you but for you to stop lower your window and say that and then take

off it'll be a cold day now I mean I was like okay this is the fucking world today guess he didn't need the fare yeah I guess he didn't fucking get the memo I guess he didn't do some shit but you know you see this kind of shit and this isn't what I'm living through I'm happy down here I'm okay I'm getting healthier I'm happier you know I I'm not mad at anybody I were lucky with doing a podcast my daughter's playing fucking soulful I mean Thursday night guys she lost an eight inning game they fucking played their hearts out Mercy had a great all those girls did great and they lost at the end by one run a run

scored the girl got the ball hit to her and she didn't know whether to throw the third and she threw it home the pitch was good but the girl stepped on the fucking plate before the game you know before the thing came and even the coach cried the game was so fucking good I had a piss and I was holding it in because the game was so good okay and not a parent fucking moved I had a piss and finally I waited for mercy to hit and I go okay I saw a little lady with the cart there's a little cute lady I drive a little cart there the fucking bathroom is fucking three miles away I went earlier to try to piss by the fucking

car but you can't take your dick out of the park if not I'll have to fucking register as a sex offender so I was like fuck that I'm not taking my dick out of no park in New Jersey I ran over the fucking I got on the cart with her and she even told me she goes what is what's going on over here this is a great game she goes parents are leaving the other games and they're watching this game we had like a hundred people in attendance I mean it was fucking great and they said we're gonna extend it to a 15 just let them play to a 15 whatever happens happens I was excited and all of a sudden the bases are loaded and fucking the

run scored and and it was at a 15 like right there they held on all the way to the end mercy had four hits she pitched she threw a couple people out she she caught a pop-up I gotta tell you when I when you see your daughter cry when you see your child cry it's a rough one and I was or that night I was having I was okay that night but it was a long game and when she came over to me she was balling I mean the teams got 11 girls nine girls were crying and the fucking coaches crying then we went over the coach gave him more frisbees and with football bats we whipped out some fucking cupcakes and we just hung out and you

know some of the girls were still upset mercy was fine when she left but then when she got in the car she was upset and we had a fucking talk her off a ledge and tell her that you did great you made it to the all-stars you you made friends I go you know how all the people that came to your games your uncle Bobby your uncle George your uncle Eddie your Aunt Lisa they're not my brothers or sisters we all grew up together your uncle Joe we all grew up together and we started this is sports I met any con is through baseball I meant you know but half of the shit I go these girls that you're meeting that you're playing with

you're gonna be friends with them forever you're gonna be talking about this in high school you're probably gonna be friends with them in college and she's got a little girlfriend from Staten Island they moved here shit her name is Nicole she got a little brother named Joey I fucking love them and Nicole is a bruiser and so is mercy and they hang out together and they got each other's backs that makes me happy and ever that makes me happy she didn't have that in California she was hanging out with a bunch of kids that were allergic to peanuts in California they couldn't get out of their own fucking way they didn't

know what their gender was that shit ain't popping off here that shit ain't popping off here you know I'm saying these kids are true they died the two sets of kids we hang out with it's gotta be eight different fucking families and there ain't no fucking nonsense here these fucking parents are thinking of pulling their kids out of school and putting them on Catholic school because they don't want this thing that they're gonna teach now in the schools that they're fucking best these Jersey Catholics the people cross the street from me the people by Jimmy's house they're all talking about fuck

this shit no we don't want this shit in our fucking world I'm here with some good fucking people dog we got there and like I said there's no peanut allergies here in this neighborhood there's no identifying I identify with a rabbit no there's none of that shit you know this is straight up gangsta bill we ain't fucking around here you know I'm saying it's the truth I identify with a rabbit you know you guys heard what's the name Demi Lovato she's California sober that listen either you're sober you're fucking not I'm not so I'm smoking dope and I'm popping those fucking 25 milligram edibles I'm at

least I'm working on some guys I'm not smoking all fucking day like I was you know I'm down to 272 pounds when I got here I was 316 fucking pounds wow okay from the stress and the fucking the Xanax and whatever the fuck else I was fucking eating the edibles and the fucking Mexican food and everything else and I'm just I just lift weights four days a week today I didn't live I had to take a the fucking kickboxing I didn't lift on Saturday because Friday I had a work and then Saturday I was supposed to lift at 11 but I didn't but I went to the gym on Sunday into the glue a quicky 20 minutes just to fucking because today

is my big lift day at 11 so that's how I usually fucking run it but I'm better guys I'm better I'm a lot better than what I was we struggled Mike knows that October November these podcasts were fucking rough Joey was somewhere else but you know what man I could feel it and all I could equate it to was loss I lost something and I finally I took my own advice and I spoke to somebody in fact I have another meeting with her tomorrow night on zoom and we had a great discussion you know I'm not gonna sit here and tell you guys to do something and then play a holier than doubt type attitude and not do it either

I told you people a couple weeks ago if you're struggling it's cheap counseling online you know I heard that all the good therapists are booked up because you know when I heard that line a lot of people are suffering like their minds aren't right I was like okay I'm not the only one I'm in with good company and then Renee and Carson she owned an old church guy wrote a post a couple days ago that he's been struggling I mean he's a veteran and stuff like that young kid moved to Denver and I sent him a private note I said something on Facebook like just to but then I sent him a private note and I explained to him

that listen even your uncle Joey who's a fucking savage had his moments and I had a fucking talk to somebody and let me tell you something I made a world of a difference for starters I'm the type of guy I use my friends as therapists I what you're gonna go pay $400 what you got that friend for you've been friends with him for 30 years he knows you more than ever he knows you better than you know yourself probably but you know what I talked to all my friends and they each had a different whatever and I appreciated it but I just wanted to be right I talked to her one time and I felt that much better at least I had a

direction she gave me some homework and it was basically journaling and it came down to what was really bothering me I mean listen man you look at the events the last year a move a big move cross-country you know new faces new things knee surgery pain pills those pain pills those are six long fucking weeks and I was keeping it together for you guys I was trying fucking hard but it killed my fucking stomach I had to wear that watch I had nausea I was buffing I thank God I threw the last 13 away somebody offered me to the other day they're like hey you still have any pain I got nope I don't even want them in

my fucking house I'm fine like if I got pain to leave ice and fucking bandages put the fucking CBD line on and I'm good no more nothing so it took a while but it took talking to somebody and I told you a couple weeks ago about the meetings listen you know what man I was even thinking of zooming into a meeting just to watch you don't have to talk you could listen and listen to other people's stories and sometimes you gain strength just from listening you don't have to always fucking talk you could just listen in these meetings and see what other people are going through and go okay I'm not the only one you know

he's a plumber maybe you relate to him because he's a plumber you're a plumber maybe he's a machinist you're a machinist I don't fucking know but I had to do what I had to do I don't give a fuck there's no stigma with it at least I'm mad enough to say I went and talked to somebody and I feel 150 fucking percent better I'll be a better father I'll be a better comic I'll be a better actor and I'll be a better friend and that at the end of the day that's all that matters you know I took a test and it looked like I had like a little mild depression you know I get up early guys so there's no laying in bed for me there's no watching

TV with a robot that doesn't happen in my world I push I've always pushed ahead you guys seen me fucking on Twitter in the mornings saying good morning that's not pre fucking programmed that's Uncle Joey that's up you know I'm saying like Friday I had to go to work I didn't know if I was gonna see Mercy that night so guess what I did I set the alarm for fucking six and I got up I did my patreon work and then I fucking Mercy got up and I hung out with her we had breakfast I didn't think I would see her Friday I ended up getting home at 816 and we watched a little TV and you know we talked a little bit I showed her the

call sheets and whatever we had a great time but that's what it's all about I'm not I wasn't I talked to Ari who had gone through his own thing and he helped me out fucking fantastically but it was the lady I spoke to really put me on the path and guys I feel a lot better so expect better things from me funny a podcast and me going off from time to fucking time if you're watching this podcast waiting for me to get high or whatever listen go get your fucking hat on with the propeller and take a walk around the corner let's grow up here you know I'm saying let's grow the fuck up here that's what was paid somebody told

me a couple of fucking years ago who was the person I wanted to smoke with the most and I'm like nobody I don't know what I want to smoke I don't smoke with nobody first of all I got a sore throat when I smoke with people I've always got a sore throat since I was fucking 13 and then when Ralphie Mae got that fucking lung issue from traveling all across the country and smoking with different people and he got the fucking triple pneumonia I cut it out for sure you I'll give you a joint to smoke I'll bring you a joint Mike am I like I'll bring you a fucking joint but I don't need to build the bond what am I an Indian I don't need

to pass a piece pipe around there's too many Germans and you motherfuckers are filthy and you guys get sick and don't tell somebody you know many times I've been to Cleveland or fucking Columbus and a guy will smoke with you and after he smokes you'll go yeah I just got over fucking a lung infection you're like really thank you thank you you know the best ever and we'll end with this was God rest his soul God rest his soul I love them I learned to we haven't talked enough about the piano player from the score a store Jeff Scott Jeff Scott was a great guy 23 years I was up there with him and I loved him and you know we

talked about him a little when he died a few months ago but it's giving me time to I really had a more in him I really had a process at me I've been processing Brody I thought about Ralph for the other night but Jeff Scott was a great fucking guy and part of my stage success at the comedy store was Jeff Scott because he would play different music for me and I knew how it would come out to certain music and just fucking we used to do this song do it till you're satisfied and I just had it down with him you know it was just great but Jeff I'll tell you a funny story about Jeff Jeff had you know and he's

gone now God rest his soul he was a great band I hope God is taking care of him and stuff Jeff had HIV you know he was HIV he lived for years he had on the control when I first met Jeff I didn't give a fuck if he was gay he was great and every time I saw Jeff I hugged them I mean we were all good friends with Jeff that meant being gay to me this I don't care I hugged gay guys harder than I hug tough guys because they need to hug bigger from me than I you know I'm saying like I love gay men I have no problem with fucking gay men so what was I talking about just got so you know I love Jeff and Jeff was a pothead you know

as soon as you got to the store when we were broke in 98 97 Jeff always had something for you Jeff always would call me and Ari and go what are you guys doing you want to go in the back yeah let's go Jeff Jeff wouldn't sit there and watch the you know he had a 20 minute break in between all the comics he you know he would play unless you want it like this comics that said Jeff play the piano while I'm up there like Jeff Ross a lot of guys like Jeff fuck around Jeff was great like that he was he was great he was a musician that became a comedy musician is that weird to say I don't know if he was he was a comedy

musician he would do the fucking piano for you and shit but when I first met Jeff you know I loved him right off the bat he was great me Ari all of us were broke so if somebody asked you if you wanted to smoke you had a little smoke and I remember one night I'm at the store maybe four months and we're outside and Jeff comes up and he goes hey what time is just by let's go look if we always go look oh 12 30 you got time you want to go get high and I go yeah Jeff and we went to the back and we're getting high and we finished smoking the fucking joint and also he looks at me and he says something weird and he goes

yeah I don't feel good the HIV medication makes me feel fucking groggy I go what HIV and he goes I got HIV I go now you fucking tell me after you smoking dry with me you know I knew I couldn't get HIV from him but you know it's just you just miss people you know so I don't want somebody else coming up to me going you know I just had COVID do you know I'm saying like that's what I was really scared of like during that's what really deterred me from the reefer was COVID period you listen your mind fucking those dudes in Houston didn't write that song because it's not a topic sometimes your mind plays tricks on

you okay and I know it happens to you guys because it happens to me a ton during COVID every time I smoke my lungs would hurt and I would go goddamn and I got COVID it's your mind it's the good way you know I'm a I'm a comic so your mind is a sense of humor so your brain has to have some fun from time to time too right so your brain tells you shit like you ever like I don't know 10 years ago I went to pee one day and a little squirt of blood came out dog I couldn't run to the doctor quick enough I fucking I you know right away you think of cancer right away you're thinking all the worst things you know I got on the

phone with the doctor I gotta see you right away because I got like an opening at 3 30 I'll be there and I get then I'm like that I got cancer you know what are you talking about I pee a little blood he goes before you fucking go off the fucking deep end here did anything happen anything happened the last couple days just think hard I'm sitting there like okay I go I want to kickboxing that's right the girl need me on the one nut and he goes let me see it I took my nuts off of the doctor doctor waxler I showed him and he goes see this little thing there he just he goes if you keep bleeding call me back and then we'll take

care I went home and I never bled out of my dick again do you understand me but when you bleed out of your dick you right away think I'm gonna fucking die I got cancer I got the itchies anyway I don't fucking even know what the itchies are I love you motherfuckers thank you for sitting with me for an hour on a Monday morning and talking shit I love all this stuff and I'm back bitches and I'll be back little by little by little and then eventually who knows what the fuck will happen I want to thank you guys for watching I want to thank you guys for supporting and I'll see you guys Wednesday tip top motherfucking goop ready

to rock thank you again for watching Uncle Joey's joint live from New Jersey and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors all right thank you for listening today you know I love you motherfuckers with all my heart I try my best and that's all I could do for you guys but the joint is brought to you by Lucy nicotine gum it's 2021 you're still fucking smoking after the COVID nor the shit that happened you got to quit and I know it's hard to quit but when you're craving a cigarette you just need a little something to satisfy the fucking habit and I got the answer to your dilemmas here lucy.co listen get

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Bluetooth dot com promo code Joey to receive your first month free and as always I want to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast but listen to me bluetooth is no joke they're very good and this deal you can't knock it down free give it a shot all you got to do is pay five hours for shipping and you receive your first month for free alright guys listen I want to thank bluetooth I want to thank Lucy dot co but most importantly I want to thank you guys for always having our back and for fucking supporting the podcast and listening I love you guys with all my heart have a great fucking Monday stay

black and I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday tip top motherfucking magoo you