Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #075 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, June 28th..... This Episode is entitled “THE SUIT DON’T FIT”……… This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & BlueChew..... Go to https://www.Stamps.com PROMO Code: JOEY Go to https://www.BlueChew.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein @onebyonepodcast on: Instagram: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's monday october 28th we're back bitches without the herpes listen to join us brought to you by stamps.com i got boxes of 400 fucking mugs going out and who do you think is helping me stamps.com and i don't have to go nowhere you're still going to the post office aren't you i'll bet you're paying full price on postage also that's why i use stamps.com i send letters i ship packages i got a friend in jail i mail them a letter every two weeks anytime anywhere right from my fucking computer you could buy print and ship it's that simple with stamps.com you pay a whole lot less you get discounts up to 40 percent from the post office rates and up to 62 percent off ups shipping rates my wife has been with stamps.com says

jesus left chicago and we've been sending t-shirts out hats mugs whatever the fuck you need now we're sending mugs again and who do you think we're using stamps.com you got a small business stamps.com is a must have so do me a favor stop wasting time going to the post office go to stamps.com instead why because there's no risk there's no fucking risk use promo code joey write this down joey j o e y to get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free posters listen to me free postage and a digital scale that's all with stamps.com and there are no long-term commitments or contracts go to stamps.com right now do me a favor click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in joey that stamps.com promo code joey stamps.com never go to the post

office again summer is here and the time is right for dancing in the street anyway the joint is brought to you by blue shoe blue shoe is tremendous what does it do it's an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a fraction of the cost listen you pop a blue shoe they taste good and 30 minutes later you're ready to rock you can take him any time day and night the process is very fucking simple okay you can go to your doctor and him you know ask him doc i don't know what's going on with me i'm not my my erections aren't any good you know how embarrassing it is to just say those fucking words fuck that with blue shoe you sign up at blue shoe dot com you talk to one of their licensed medical providers and once you approve which is

within minutes you receive the prescription within days the best part it's online no visit to the doctor no awkward conversations you don't gotta go to the fucking pharmacy and the lady looks at you weird look at this guy he needs Viagra fuck you it ships right to your door and a discreet package not even the mailman knows so do me a favor even if you don't need him you want to be the best you could be right why show up with one bullet when you could show up with 22 that's what i'm trying to give you i wanted to walk home with a limp and say what the fuck was that this motherfucker broke me i'm going to sex anonymous that's what happens when you take blue shoe you sling dick like the captain kirk of the enterprise so if you could benefit from the extra confidence when it's time to perform

blue tube can help and they've got a special deal for you you ready you could try blue shoe for free free just use promo code joey pay five dollar shipping that's blue shoe dot com promo code joey to receive your first month free fr e and as always i want to thank blue shoe for sponsoring the joint so go to blue shoe dot com right now and start the process it's monday cocksuckers let's get this party started you got blue shoe you got the fourth of july next week if you call blue shoe today you'll have a package by thursday by fucking saturday forget about it you'll be lighting up people's assholes with with your dick instead of fireworks go to blue shoe dot com right now let's get this fucking party started

check one two welcome to uncle joey's joint so what's happening you bad motherfuckers we're back bitches it's Monday October 28th listen I'm very sorry about last week it was just too rough of a fucking week you know my daughter was she had three-half days then school ended on Wednesday I shot the TV show a day and a half I had to go all the way to fucking Queens and all the way to fucking Brooklyn I'm never going that fucking city again Jesus Christ there were squeegee people everywhere people knocking on my

fucking windows that I was telling Mike the guy I went to make a right turn I swear to God the guy had the right to make a right on the corner the light had a fucking arrow and some guy just crossed in front of him and started giving him the finger and shit listen I'm not going over there no more not till if they fucking clear that out or they hire a new fucking man but we're here to talk about something that I wanted to get off my chest with you motherfuckers for the last 10 months that's why last week was fucking crucial you know we had father's day last week Mike wanted to spend it with his kid I

had the fucking softball tournament which they fucking ended up winning she got a trophy she was happy you know it's just a lot of things and it's good to take a break once in a while you don't want to be a slave to your fucking job dog it's good to take a break and sit on the couch and fart and smell your floor it's ain't nothing fucking wrong with that you know I try to relax listen guys I don't know how to fucking relax and every time I to try to relax something fucking happens my wife bought a hammock beautiful hammock Mike it holds 400 500 fucking pounds she hung it up perfectly I go let me go relax like

a regular fucking American right because I'm never like I don't understand that you ever see people to lounge share and they go like to a fucking like into a trance I've tried going into a trance it don't work for me so I go out to the fucking thing I go let me just go out there my daughter and my wife are upstairs so I go in the backyard it's kind of cloudy out I don't know what to expect I just want to relax and see get a little wilderness so I lay in the hammock dog it went all the way down boom like it just didn't even swing or nothing so I was like what am I gonna do I'm a fat fuck so I just I swear to God

I just crossed my arms and I'm like I'm gonna die in there and I just looked up at the trees for about 15 minutes just breathing it was beautiful then it started raining and I'm like fuck and I said fuck it you know because she's not gonna hear my cries I wouldn't even yell I was just going Terry Terry and I'm like I know she's not gonna hear me so I just sat in the fucking hammock getting rained on looking at chipmunks and shit and next thing you know my wife was I Joe Joe and I'm like I'm over here in the hammock she fucking almost died a fucking laughter she goes it's all the way to the floor how are you even

enjoying it I go I wasn't I was making believe I was in a canoe I took myself to a place where I was in a canoe I was with Indians I was taking a nap we're crossing over the bridge it it never ends in my fucking life you know I go to relax the one day I go to the softball listen I I work out in the mornings and then to decompress just not to ride the bike and stuff I go for a little mile walk you know it's two times around the thing three times around the thing sometimes I smoke a number sometimes I just go straight absorb the vitamin C you're not gonna believe this Mike I'm walking I'm minding my own business I'm

not on the fucking phone I'm just walking thinking about life looking at rocks and shit you know what you do when you're in the wilderness and I look up and there's a fucking deer running at me and I'm not talking about he's like you know you don't how usually you just see him and they see you and they start bouncing fuck no this motherfucker was running towards me now there's a softball feeling it's got a fence and it goes all the way around and then there's an opening in the middle so you could cut through it divides the two fields it's like a home run fucking fence so I'm walking towards the fucking fence I

don't cut through the thing I walk all the way around all the way around all the way around then I walked in my car not that day I walked once I go I'm feeling good let me walk it again as I walk right here I hear I hear these weeds and shit and all something I see this fucking deer just running at me I didn't see horns or anything I just saw a deer running at me full fucking speed ahead so I look at him I go holy shit and I start back pedaling a little bit but I got the fucked up knee so I had a run you should have seen Uncle Joey running I fucking turned around and I just started running for my fucking

life this deer is gonna bite me or whatever the fuck they do next thing you know I don't hear him running anymore I look he jumped the fence and there was an opening in the back fence and I saw two little baby she had two little babies with her she was running them they were brand new she was just running them and they're trying to run to keep up next to when I go don't I feel like a fucking jerk off that is fucking crazy man so it was one of those weeks don't worry about it I shot two days I I lifted I did everything I had to do I feel a lot fucking better I went to the doctor we went over my fucking

blood results everything's beautiful no diabetes the thing she was really flipping out about was the cholesterol I'm right on point I'm perfect and that's the weights thank you whoever invented weights for all fucking people thank you because it cut down on my diabetes it I don't even have diabetes but I'm not even close to the area my sugar was a little high so we're trying to figure out what it was I'm not eating sweets so it's probably fucking white rice or pasta you know ever since I moved here I got Italians I'm surrounded by the best so I got Italians over here and they knock on the door and give you homemade

pasta and lasagnas and fucking zucchinis and all this shit so my weight's down everything's good so we're ready to fucking rock and roll what I wanted to talk to you guys today was something that was going on I was feeling and through the therapist you know I started out talking to a therapist she helped me I talked to my friends I talked to Jerry Rocha I talked to as many people as I could I talked to Jerry Rocha because he's facing stage four right now not stage four but he just has colon cancer God bless him we've been communicating a lot and nobody could give you a great advice as somebody who's staring at

death nobody gives you good advice until they're in a position where they're appreciating life you know so I've talked to a few people and it was weird about three weeks ago before I got this audition for this TV show I got you know you usually have to go through wardrobe and since we have COVID now you're not allowed to just go over there like it used to be you go over there they measure you and then you come back the next day and they put a suit on you and or they try the costumes out and they take a picture for the director and the director picks out your fucking suit so as you'll see in the picture I put the fucking

she calls me up and she goes what size suit are you and I go I have no fucking idea I haven't worn a suit in fucking years I got like ten of them but I just don't wear them so I went upstairs and I grabbed the one that they gave me from back in Batman the Dark Knight Rises when I did the miniseries before the the movie came out I did this thing for them and I meant I'll never forget it it's a beautiful it's a Calvin Klein fucking suit they came out and they go do you want to buy it and I go absolutely it was like two days before Christmas and they go if you want to buy it we'll sell for you for 1200 bucks I don't want a

1200-mile suit what am I gonna do I need a fancy suit for Charlie I ain't got no job to wear it this so fucking they came back and they go you know what Merry Christmas keep the suit so that suit was from God knows you know whenever I did the dark moon rises it's a black suit I don't even think you know it's like wakes and shit when do I go to wake so she asked me what the size of suit was and she goes why don't you put it on and take a fucking picture and I put it on and my wife took a picture of it like you see him right now and next thing you know I mean the suit just didn't fucking fit like it was three sizes too big the

pants were falling off me even with suspenders it wouldn't work but it was pretty interesting you know yeah I lost weight you know shit like that happened so in the process of me figuring out what the fuck was going on with me why I had all this anxiety you know I walk you know listen if I'm gonna tell you guys to do something or give you advice I have to follow my own advice you know I'm saying so when you're stuck you know you try to talk to some people but every once when I have to talk to people who aren't biased you know who aren't biased somebody's gonna give you what they feel of this and after three weeks of talking

to the therapist she goes I really been thinking about your situation your body rejecting the reefer you know you not taking edibles you not wanting to do comedy you not wanting to do a lot of things you know it came to the conclusion that you don't really know in life when you're fucking happy and unhappy sometimes you get caught up in such a circle that it's so repetitive and it feels right but it doesn't and that's what happened when I moved here I came back here and I'm around normal people and my body and my mind did not know how to handle it I did not know how to act because for the last 23 years

I've been walking around fake people and fucking pigs people who do anything to get to where they need to be like I've told you before this phone doesn't ring anymore it doesn't ring not because I don't pay the bill it doesn't ring because I'm in Jersey nobody needs me for anything now out of sight out of mind it doesn't hurt my feelings I knew the animal I was dealing with before I got into it but I didn't know that I was so unhappy and when I found out you know like what was really bothered like I wrote down my triggers I wrote them down this I did the work I did the homework that the therapist assigned

and I started writing down the things that bothered me like what gets under my fucking skin and I just kept writing and writing and writing and writing and it was the life I was living in Los Angeles and I didn't know it until I go on Instagram and I look at all these other comics and the desperation I had I'm not a desperate person I've never been a desperate person but we all didn't know any better you know how nice it is that I don't have to put my dates on Twitter anymore you know how nice you know how great that is to me that I don't have to keep putting dates on fucking Twitter that I could just be normal on fucking

Twitter every time I don't I didn't want you to think that every time you fucking looked at my Twitter page on my Instagram page it's me selling a date you know I got sick of doing all that shit I just got really sick of it I love stand-up comedy it made me the person who I am today but no correction it didn't make me the person who I am today it was part of what made me the man that I am today and me stepping away from it and seeing it from a different perspective from 2,000 miles away made me realize something the other night I was telling Mike that the joy I find listen you can't watch TV no more I

mean it's just that I'm to the point in my life I watched two things this week and I only watched them because I needed to watch these two movies I watched to live and die in LA great movie about counterfeit money half the lines I quote are stolen from that John DeToro has some great lines in that movie have you ever seen that Mike live and die in LA about counterfeit money I don't think yeah I don't think the Secret Service and the FBI were too happy with that movie it's all about counterfeit money and how they do it the guy that played I forget what his name is William Defoe played the fucking main guy he was

great the guy from CSI's in it he disappeared after that was a Michael Mann movie I think it's a Michael Mann movie don't quote me on that and last night I watched the Friday night I watched the motherfucking crow god damn I was crying I called my wife my daughter down I go this is Bruce Lee's son when he was fighting the black dude with the dreads the guy was throwing knives at him and fucking when he stabs the guy the black guy up against the fucking thing my daughters like you I go yeah it's time for you to go upstairs you don't need to see this shit Bruce Lee's son's about to go off so well he yeah he got

that motherfucker up nice great movies but beside that at night I come downstairs I do a little reading and then about quarter to ten I make my fucking tea not the Michael Jackson tea I've cut it down all I put in the Michael Jackson tea now is two bags of Kiko Kikomo tea Kikoko tea and I put two 25 sleepy time edibles from ABX tremendous I sleep like a fucking baby and let me tell you what my development is I'm getting blitzed on 50 milligrams I was getting so blitzed on 50 milligrams I said fuck it let's pop another one in there to see where it takes us and I got to 75 milligrams let me taste I might call Lydia and I and

Lee goes you sound fucked up I go Lee I'm calling you because I am fucked up on 75 percent 75 Lee we haven't even fucking gotten we used to have to take 200 just to get a gig a lot of us and then we will go up to 800 a thousand two thousand I am getting high on 75 fucking milligrams and then I smoke a little little bit and I come back here and I play the guitar and then what I do is per Mike I put an album on and I try to play along with the album no bueno it's not working out for me but you know what I'm learning different things I'm learning like I go this is that chord this is that I don't know what it's

called I don't know if it's a C or an E I don't know and I don't care the best thing is that I'm getting therapy for music but I made a mistake I got really high the other night and I put the album on animals animals breaks it down for you I'm sitting there I'm sitting back and I'm taking in this animal album animals is about dogs pigs it classifies people as dogs pigs and sheep pretty fucking close to what we're living through right now the dogs little people that make things happen the pigs that are fucking these people that inflict greed and fucking this creepy feeling on to you all the time when you see him they just

capitalist fucking pigs that's all they are trust me and that's what I consider agents and that whole scene in Hollywood I became one of those fucking pigs without even fucking knowing and trust me I wasn't a pig like I got a call the other day from my agent going listen guess what you could raise your ticket prices to $45 people are paying $45 for tickets I go once you fucking go jump off a fucking bridge or something like that you it's the toughest time in fucking America and you want to charge $45 for a fucking comedy to I mean I don't even want to talk to them no more they are just the most embarrassing people I've

met in my life but then I gotta be honest I looked at some of the comics that some of them are still my friends and I love them dearly and you could see the desperation coming through the fucking screen all that stuff that's not the reason why I got the fucking comedy I got into comedy to drop out to be part of a gang like the Hells Angels without fucking motorcycles I want to be a part of something but at the end of the day I wasn't a part of anything I was a part of a group of guys and a group of women that's all about them and they're trying to advance them I advanced me by working hard and living in a fucking car and

driving across the country I never expected to get to the heights that I didn't comedy I'm grateful I did I'm happy for fucking felons that now you have a purpose you know that you could do it this podcast was never about me looking down at you me showing you what I didn't have oh look at me I'm grilling up steaks tonight who gives a fuck there's people that are eating peanut bun and jelly fucking sandwiches you know during the pandemic I saw people putting lobster tails up online and shit people are barely fucking eating they're scared but this is the world we live in today and I accept it for what

it was but ever since I moved here I had to do something that was really rough I had to accept my new life I had to accept feeling normal and that raised my anxiety when I'm around normal people don't give a fuck about Instagram I've never been around those people I've never been around those people for the last 30 for the last 23 years I've been around people that come into your life and they don't come into your life like Mike came into mind they come into your life with a fucking agenda you know so many people were contacting me with an agenda that I couldn't fucking fulfill I still got a girl now that I love to

pieces I love it a pieces and she contacts me all the time for advice and I give her the advice and it's like it's still not enough I cannot help I'm not there I'm not there so I can't help you you're there you have to make these decisions upon yourself as a comic but the real clinker this week or really made me realize where I was and why I'm so happy and why I'm a different person now is because I had a long overdue conversation with Lee in fact we spoke two nights in a row for about an hour and I called him to do one thing number one I apologize to him and number two we figured out what was going on we were

enabling each other you know Lee couldn't lose a pound I couldn't lose a pound what's Lee doing right now he's down a hundred pounds he's dating a little fucking girl he met he's going out he's a complete different I didn't it took me a while to get it like what is Lee doing I mean we talked every other night and stuff like this but this conversation this week was the first time we were candidly honest with one another and I don't know if you guys notice I'm sorry if I'm letting this I think we discussed on the podcast on the church Lee was seeing a therapist for a long time Lee was seeing a therapist

it's none of my business what he was talking to a therapist about I would never ask him I would break his balls and say them what you say to you today you know and he would give me little bits and blurbs of what she would say so I never thought about it then I thought about the blips and blurbs he told me this week while I was on the phone with him Lee was miserably unhappy miserably unhappy and I go Lee when did you see the change in me and he goes I started seeing you not being yourself like in and it was after the Netflix special because I hadn't worked hard all those years to do a Netflix special that

in my eyes I didn't like because I didn't like the whole thing I didn't like how it was treated I didn't like the fucking how it all went down my agent made me get a manager to get the fucking thing and now a couple weeks ago I got a bill from my agent for a commission from a residual check from my special I called them up and I go you got nothing coming to you know what you got nothing coming to you because you couldn't call you know an LA all he's great friends remind well if you go to a Laker game with a fucking guy tell him listen I need my fucking guy to get a special no he made me get a manager pay him 10% of my

fucking money and then that guy group me in with a bunch of fucking mooks into this thing I ended up shooting it thank God with Yamanica and fucking Big J and fucking you know Christine and ended out working I mean I had fun while I was there with Christine and Yamanica and fucking you know whoever else was there the nice white girl I forget what her name was I mean we had a great time as a crew Brad Williams we had a great time as a crew but what was going on I didn't like I didn't feel right I didn't feel it was why I got to stand up and that's when my descent started like I didn't even you know I started drinking the

fucking coffees I had to you know eat you know 600 milligrams a day before the podcast just to get through the day I had to take two edibles at night to get on stage I had to drink four fucking express loans to get on stage I mean that these things were just it was it was very fucking disturbing when I look at it now last week I was doing something I went outside to check the car to see my neighbor and I come back and this is big box in front of the house that was the fucking turning point I saw this big box in front of my house and I brought it in I'm like I wonder what's in this fucking box three of the prettiest

fucking bongs you've ever seen in your life beautiful beautiful little one a medium one and we'll be using them but when I looked at it I got I closed the box and I put the box in the garage when I left LA I had two or three beautiful bongs I gave this the $1,000 bong I gave it to a friend of mine because I wasn't gonna leave that there but the little the little mule and the big mule I left under the sink at the old house and I didn't look back I don't care if the landlord found it I don't care if the clean lady found it I left them there and without knowing I did a bunch of stuff without knowing like I left the

bongs there without knowing what it signified I left the fucking you know I went to the comedy store and I really really said goodbye I put my hand on the wall and I said goodbye I was saying without consciously knowing I was saying goodbye to that whole fucking world I was just saying goodbye listen I smoke pot now I'm not a pothead anymore that's a big fucking difference I was telling Mike I'm smoking this weed at night this cactus buds from fucking the ice cream shop if you get a minute go get some cactus buds or the regular cactus OG it's like 35 or 36 percent whoo because I thought I was gonna come

back smoke and lower-end reefer but I can't find no lower-end reefer so I smoked the CBD weed for a couple weeks just to really bring down remember that joint I smoke I started taking two or three hits from it to calm me down it really worked cleaned up my lungs a little bit you know and now I mean that 60 days or whatever I did where I didn't smoke for 30-something days and then I just started taking one hit one hit because that's all you're supposed to do with this weed you're not to be smoking blunts it is shit you're just wasting fucking weed no wonder I was going through an eighth in fucking two days I

got friends that tell me an eighth last in a fucking week I was going through an eighth in a day and a half I would buy four eighths and I'd be back at the store two days later just smoking at the office smoking at my house you know whatever smoking outside bringing joints to the comedy store and that's great listen I had a lot of fucking fun but once I moved here all that shit went away how did it go away did I try to we think I went to an A meeting and said hi my name is Joey I'm a Potsman remember that idiot that went to fucking celebrity rehab for smoking pot if you go to rehab for smoking pot no shoot yourself you

know I'm saying what the fuck is wrong with you you know I had a friend who went to a rehab for smoking cigarettes I that I kind he went to like two rehabs for smoking cigarettes his parents put him in a rehab for smoking cigarettes I saw him one day I got a smoke a cigarette fucking under the car because they got cameras all over me I can't smoke fucking cigarettes you know listen you got a problem with fucking pills or coke or heroin that's one thing weed you could do on your own there's really no fucking withdrawals you get you get fucking listen I had some fucking weird dreams I had one that had a dream my

mother was on the bed with me talking to me I woke right the fuck up I came down I threw holy water on myself was fucking scary I got a little holy water from the church I go to on Sundays little bottle just in case the devil shows up I swear to God I threw holy water on myself instead of fucking prayer I had a dream about my father had a dream about Anna Bender I mean my fucking dreams were getting too fucking vivid I was like fuck this shit it was like alpha brain dreams I love doing alpha brain but those six weeks that cycle I put myself on those are fucking clear dreams I mean you see your dick

going into her ass you see the toilet hair she left on her at the toilet paper I mean I'm not that I have sexual dreams what I'm just saying to you that's how clear your fucking dreams are an alpha brain so you know my dreams are just it was three weeks of fucking waking up going I didn't remember that fucking shit with my mother you know but in my conversations with Lee I mean both nights we both got off the phone really fucking happy because we both got to tell each other the truth you know I had to stop the podcast it had to end it wasn't going to continue I couldn't continue that it was great on film what

you guys were seeing was funny and blah blah blah blah blah but he even said there was kind of like a fucking thing in the room you know and I remember nobody had ever came to that spot like that wasn't invited and one night I told Lee Lee and then the podcast August 10th whatever it must have been two hours after that that him and him and I were wrapping up and somebody drove by some girls and a guy and they were like Joe and Lee come out and we're like what the fuck it's time to get out of here like everything was pointing at that direction you know Lee was making good money you know we were doing good

things together but we weren't happy we just weren't happy you think Lee just mysteriously lost 100 pounds he was just carried that was the only way he was suppressing what he was feeling he was in pain you know from what I'm getting from this therapist I was in pain at first I was like I think this lady's crazy but then I started looking and I started looking at the lives that comics have to live and the way these agents I remember being over here shooting the fucking soprano movie and these agents kept calling me so what do you want to do about this date what do you want to do about this date I don't

want to do nothing I just want to shoot the soprano movie that's what's in front of me that's what's in front of me let me tell you something for you young comics I'm gonna give you the best advice in the world and I'm thinking of writing a book on the fucking subject stay an open-micro as much as you can wear that label and wear it proudly wear that open-mic label proudly go out have a great time drink do drugs get your dick sucked that's what it means to be an open-micro to get into comedy get your click together get your four or five guys that you live and breathe for like I had in Seattle with Josh Wolf and

Brody and Tana Manu and you know we just had our own little fucking click that's comedy that's real comedy that's comedy from the heart you're making $50 you barely pay your rent as as un as miserable as that lifestyle sounds it's so much fun I had a great time in Seattle as an open-micro slash beginning to feature act and let me tell you something I had a great time when I got to the store I mean knock on wood she passed me I had a great time it was where I belong I was having a great time there they pay $15 a spot guy but it's a college you're learning I'm following Paul Mooney I'm talking to Rogan I met

dice I mean all this was great you know all those early movies I had a great time getting them nobody wanted to talk to me as a stand-up fuck you I'm you're not gonna stop me you know just cuz you don't like my stand-up I'm too dirty I do this with my hand oh we can't put him in Montreal fuck you I never wanted to be a part of that I didn't know it I remember Bobby Slate inviting me to Montreal he said I'll sneak you into the dirty show and I took a flight to Detroit and I was gonna connect from Detroit I was gonna sneak in to Canada to try there was a comic that had a show in Canada he said he get me in and then

I could get to Montreal on my own and I'll never forget waking up and going I'm not going to Montreal I wasn't invited I'm gonna go up there like a desperado and go on stage and try to do what what am I gonna get from going up there this what am I missing if they don't want me there I don't fucking belong there and I'll never forget like calling the airline and go listen I'm not going to fuck whoever my friend and going forget it but I'm not going why I said I'm not fucking going and I remember that there was a comedy club down the corner was an African-American comedy club named Coco's comedy club and I

walked in there and I said listen I'm here for a couple days do you mind if I pop in she was cool as fuck she let me pop in I got to meet some brothers it was a great three days it was a lot better than me going to Montreal cuz I didn't belong there and then when I went to LA listen what you people forget was in 2009 after I got married I was done I was done I had seen it for what it was I moved into the Valley I had friends that were gonna put me in their TV shows I got a call from Greg Garcia last week I'm going to Pittsburgh in September to shoot three episodes of a show with Christina P as in it is new show for

Amazon you know I have friends that that are writers and I'll just fucking take their spoons whenever they call me up and go you want to play a fucking rapist I mean what do I give a fuck it's three days and I get insurance and I eat and I see some people and that's all I want to fucking do but no the podcast revolution came in I got into it and yes it was very interesting at first it was very funny but I think by me putting my heart on the line and telling you everything about me then all of a sudden ten years later started people started taking that and using it against me in emails and in videos you got these guys now that have

shows based on what people say and they analyze you and meanwhile they don't even have a fucking talent they can't even play the fucking flute they can't even play a fucking cowbell and they're there judging you so I don't know what the fuck has happened to comedy what the fuck but one conclusion came out of this week I don't want to be involved in that no more I'm gonna put up regular fucking tweets now I could put up lick my balls now sniff my asshole I don't have to worry about fucking dates am I saying I'm not gonna do comedy again no I'm not saying that I'm not doing comedy that style no more I'm not doing

comedy that style anymore I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life and the agents I'm acting we're doing a podcast on Tuesday we signed the contract for the fucking book we're up to chapter 9 we got till March of 2022 to hand it in because there's so much fucking material we're doing an audio book so I have so many other things going on plus the main thing I'm a father to a little girl this week I had to do something that I thought I'd never have to do Wednesday I don't know what was going on upstairs all I know is I went upstairs and my wife was crying on the bed and I go what happened and she's just went off on you

know that she cleans cat shit and all this other shit and nobody helps her and you know I try to help her as much as I can but I think Mercy puts her over the top they had some type of conversation and Mercy said something to her I don't know what happened all I know is that my wife said I got a leaf and she got in the car and left for a half hour I went in there and I talked to Mercy I didn't yell I just asked her what happened and I go listen you can't have these beefs with mom I got now there was a party on Wednesday a kids party that she wanted to go to we punished her and we I made up four pages well I will not argue with

mom anymore I will not argue with mom so when she came home on the last day of school she had to clean her bathroom clean her bedroom vacuum it and I'll never forget I had to go upstairs and bring up the four sheets and put them down guys it was the most painful thing I ever did in my life I had to leave she took a punishment she sat down she wrote I think on page three her mother said she had a little nervous breakdown because she thought that once she finished she could go to the party and her mother told her no you're grounded for the fucking day let me tell you something that old cliche line this is gonna hurt

you this is gonna hurt me more than hurts you it hurt me I had to leave I never thought I'd have to punish her for the day you know I had to leave but guess what when I got home I went in her room I told her you're done it's over and the most important thing is we will never ever bring this up again and this is what life should be like you know what 30 years ago I did time I didn't have to tell you motherfuckers I have to tell you I told you for a reason cuz I wanted you to know the animal you were dealing with I didn't want to hide nothing from you I don't want you to come back in 10 years ago you never told me you you went to

prison for kidnapping I don't really like you anymore I don't like doing business with criminals no my purpose wasn't that my purpose was to let you know that yes I fucked up but I paid my dues and I became a fucking functioning member of society that's what this podcast is about not for me to grill steaks and fucking show you the stakes I'm grilling or who I'm hanging out with or who's ass I'm kissing that week if you notice I don't kiss nobody's fucking ass I don't even kiss my own fucking ass I don't give a fuck so all that lifestyle is fucking behind me and that's what I was going through that's

what all the anxiety was eating away at me was that fucking I'm back in the normal place A and B I don't have to ever deal with that shit anymore I'm not going to Austin I'll probably go down there in September to promote the Sopranos if they let me if not that's fine too Joe still my brother I don't care what you know I don't care about Spotify or anything listen let me do ads first show they let our podcast go up on Spotify I guess I got music on there or whatever I got no beef so that anybody I don't want to create no problems for anybody if Joe says come on down in September with David Chase or

whatever I'm down now get to see Bert you know I don't know if I'll be performing yet but for right now man I just I'm gonna enjoy the summer I'm gonna be a fucking father and it's rough it really is rough I had a I had a war within myself on this side I had the Palestinians and on this side I had the Jews and they were just throwing rocks at each other in my fucking brain I was confused all day so I had to make a fucking statement and I remember I was at the gym one morning lifting and I finished and Jimmy Florentine was in there and he was waiting for me and I looked them right in the alley or I came

to a conclusion I'm not doing fucking comedy right now I'm gonna do it when I'm fucking good and ready I'm not letting anybody pressure me I'm going to Guns N' Roses on the 11th of September some people want me to do a show up North and North Bergen you know what I love them I respect North Bergen I love everything they stand for was my home they tolerated me but in my life I got to keep arms distance right now you know a lot of things happening in my life look that are fucking changing you know for example let me tell you this the people I thought were gonna be my friends when I got here I'm not my

friends I got a whole new batch of fucking friends and the people that have reached out to me the most of my friends from grammar school in fact we're planning a little fucking very quiet reunion amongst us I want to read you a text message that I got from one of them last week and this is what really got me thinking about why these people are reaching out to me and now these are the people that knew me when I wasn't a thief when I wasn't a piece of shit and when I was non-drugs I smoked pot with these guys and on Fridays and we giggled and we put vizena in our eyes and put fucking you know Chateau

number five some shitty cologne or aqua-valva on so your mother wouldn't smell it but I want to read you this email that this kid sent me and it really made me think about life and what I did hey brother man I'm on my way to the Valley Hospital there's a mast in my chest just in case this is it I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I couldn't have asked for a better childhood friend how lucky was I that text meant more to me than any TV show any movie any film any Netflix special you could rub your fucking ass with that shit that fucking text message changed me right there I immediately I don't know

where Valley Hospital I call my sister who's a nurse practitioner and I asked her where it was she found out for me she told me it wouldn't give me information on the phone the reason why he's not answering the phone is because maybe he didn't have a charger in the hospital I almost didn't sleep all night I reached out to a sister on Facebook his name is Dean Dean was with me in the sixth grade one day and we were gonna get a witherball bat our story to our parents well we were getting witherball bats we were cut off the bottom of the bat where you grip the bat and we were filled up with rocks and then we were

crazy glue the handle back on and tape it and we would use it as a bat and witherball but also as weapons against the fucking kids so when people would hit us with those fucking Duratesk tubes were whacking with a wiffle you ever get hit with a wiffleball bat when we're rockin it it's not a pretty fucking day for you so me and Dean and my mother's bar you know this is how back I go with these guys so I'm with Dean and my mother's bar my mother's at a track and it's me and the fat guy are Nardo Ducampo our Nardo was the guy that would simulate masturbation in front of us he would fucking he would go look at you

motherfucking faggot's playing fucking whiffleball you should be at home getting your dick sucked and we're like in the sixth grade me and Dean you know in the 70s it's not like now like one night I took my daughter to dinner with my wife and we stopped at the comedy store and they actually came over to me they go you know after 8 o'clock your daughter can't be here and I was like that's fine I wasn't mad or angry I understood you know liquor law licenses and shit but in the 70s a kid could sit at a fucking bar till 3 in the morning they wouldn't say shit and I'd invite all my friends when your mother has a bar and you're a

fucking kid and you invite all your friends to your mother's bar to watch a TV show and they're all drinking coax with cherries in them making believe we're fucking you know burp back back we're all sitting there make we wouldn't even smoke or nothing but we were like we were actually sitting there like we thought we were in a wrap pack with little fucking rock glasses with rocks in it and Coca-Cola and cherries and you know we just sit there all of us and drinking shit like it was great to be at a bar when you're fucking in the sixth grade with like 10 sixth graders drinking coax with cherries in them playing

unlimited pool it was fantastic my mother would cook Cuban food for us but in this particular day she wasn't there we went to Hernandez we got a Cuban sandwich Dean is an Irish dude LaPreet and he loved all that Cuban shit but he was you know in those days it was the 70s white kids were scared to go with the Spanish joints it wasn't like it is now that you go in there let me get high I went to empanadas you know in the fucking 70s you were white you ate pizza and sandwiches you didn't really fuck with the Cubans and the Cubans didn't fuck with you you know but these kids would come up and you know Dean

LaPreet listen we're gonna have this reunion it's me Dean David Ruiz Chuckie McBreen from Ramapo College who I got the COVID shot for the J&J COVID shot for after 40 years of friendship I called him up and I go I know you we were talking and he goes when he gets his he wants a J&J shot he doesn't know where to get it who hooked us up are another childhood friend Lucio Fernandez who's a commissioner in Union City told us come up and get the fucking J&J shot not even North Bergen it was fucking Union City so we got Lucio we got Chuckie McBreen from Ramapo we got Dean LaPreet coming my

sister Lisa we got Louis Hernandez who I used to call something else because he was I didn't call him that but he was Dominican and had an Afro they called him Louis Black Lives Matter so we can't say what they used to call him he's a psychiatrist he's showing up and these are the people I have been talking to lately all the people from high school what I that I tell you that I used to do drugs with and go crazy with their persona non grata they're still doing their own thing there's six of them that stopped talking to me and that's fine I could give the Frenchman's fuck it was time to move on anyway this is a whole

new fucking life with a whole new fucking set of rules you know I don't know if I finished this TV show yet they told me they'd see me again maybe after this week I mean we're going into the 4th of July we don't expect dick to happen after Wednesday we're putting up a podcast Wednesday but after Wednesday everybody's gonna be thinking about potato salad and you know what color the picnic tables are and do we have enough fireworks ain't much gonna happen I'll still be on patreon dropping fucking knowledge for you guys so you're not bored to fucking pieces but what I wanted you to take out of this podcast the

most important thing was what my wife told me you know there's a little boy that comes to the softball games great kid I love him to death there's a little couple kids that you know the girls have little brothers and stuff but there's one boy his father's fucking great his mother's great the little girl is great her and Mercy went to the movies Mercy really loves it at that but the little brother is um he's on the spectrum you know and that's not his fault he stole a great kid at the games he sits on my lap and he fucking pulls my ear him and another kid named Joey they love tormenting me and shit and I love them

both but my wife said that he usually asked his mom like mom what's going on with me mommy can you fix me you know it's it's and he's a good kid you know and I play with him and I throw the ball for him and I do magician trips you know I take my finger off and all that shit you know I'm saying like I I do all that shit with him and I'll put a picture up for you guys and me and Joey Joey's another one that always tortures me punches me fucking I always tell him and because he's Italian but I always go meet a little and then I tickle him and he's like so he tries to tickle me at the restaurant and shit it's great but you

know he always tells his mom mommy can mommy what's going on with me can you fix me you know and a couple nights ago I looked at my wife and I you know I feel like that little boy maybe last Thursday I told my wife you know I feel like that little boy at times I go you know I told my wife and mommy can you fucking fix my head I don't know what's going on with me anymore and she goes what's happened thank God I got tied with my wife during this pandemic thank God I had the power to be free with her one of the biggest things yeah I had the movie this week and Mercy was graduating and Mike had father's day and Mike's

son had ear surgery and we had a lot of things going on but I can't lie to you guys Sunday night was the worst panic attack I've ever gotten in my life since August 21st I mean I basically had to get out of the car my brother thank God my brother George was here I love him with all my heart 50 years he's been there for me he was waiting for me with Kara on the balcony and I walked up to balcony and I basically took my shirt off in public which I never do you know I haven't pulled the burr Christ in years and I got the niece the bag of ice that Fannie sent me for my knee surgery and I just had to put it on my neck

that's how bad the panic was and I take my shoes off I was sweating profusely my palms and you know I took my medication I popped a little fucking football and I just sat downstairs with my brother and talked and at the end of the night you know my wife came down we put Mercy asleep blah blah blah and I asked my wife you know I told my wife what was going on from A to Z from you know she's noticed that there's no reefer smoke downstairs or outside you know there was a little box I used to put my roaches in the box disappeared and I told my wife you know I don't know what's going on I spoke to the therapist

I've spoken to Jerry Rocha Jerry Rocha really helped me I've spoken to Mike I've spoken to Lee I've come to terms with all this shit but there's still a peace missing and my wife looked me in the eye and she goes Joey you're not the same person you were in LA number one and number two the suit just doesn't fit anymore the suit I've grown you you're not that person you moved on and there's nothing wrong with that it's something that I had to accept you know I was walking around here having all you know I was having a hard time I was quit there's an expression people use that they're creeping in their skin they

don't feel comfortable in their skin for the last two months I haven't felt comfortable in my fucking skin you know and I do now because now I understand that I'm not the I'm not that person that's not who I wanted to be and that's who I ended up being half those people I was hanging out with them LA I don't even think I could talk to them no more with different people with different people this pandemic changes you know we all change every seven years in 2007 I stopped doing cocaine in 2014 I be I became a fucking father and I didn't know what I was walking into you know all I wanted all I knew in my heart it

was that I wanted it to work in 2021 I realized you know four months before my 30th anniversary of comedy that I didn't want to do comedy anymore I didn't want to be involved with those fucking grandma killers those people who kept their clubs open and put them in folk fucking capacity and and still thought that people needed to do fucking comedy and you know they covered up covert things they did a lot of bad things a lot of people I can't see myself doing business with them I don't want to do business with them ever again you know how can you do that to people people were fucking getting sick even though

you got a PPL alone and you're fucking still keeping the club open listen I respect the clubs that opened up and space people and war gloves and you know told people they couldn't come in and you know they tried they tried I don't expect you but I never expected you to be a fucking pig as a club owner or a pig as a fucking agent or a pig as a human being and that's what I was surrounded with for you people just to clarify it I'm not a pig and I'm not a sheep I'm a fucking dog okay I call my own shots I follow my own lead I don't give a fuck what you want to do with your life I know what I'm doing with my

life I'm not going anywhere to prove to I'm not in anybody's ass I don't have to go on tour anybody approved anybody how cool I am that shit's done with I'm a bad motherfucker I took myself out of a fucking rocket ship and I made it all the way to a fucking house and I did it with balls heart and the love of a fucking woman you know I couldn't have done it by myself you want me to tell you I did by myself and I did it with the love that was surrounding from my friends some of the friends that are still my friends and some of them that have moved on you know that fucking softball field last weekend 8 30 in the

morning Mercy's Godfather showed up with his daughter you know the 11 o'clock game on Saturday fucking my brother Bobby showed up with my cousin Dennis DeLorens a fucking tremendous the size of a fucking wall and we were cursing at the hump and shit you know just we weren't saying bad things to him we were just saying oh good job we're watching you cocksucker you know they just to let him know you know I had a great time I was just living a normal life usually I'd be in a hotel fucking kitchen eating at 11 o'clock in the fucking morning you know waiting there all day to go on stage 8 o'clock at night like I said I'm

not saying never again I'm never saying that what I'm trying to tell you is for right now I'm a happier person I'm enthusiastic I have different things going on and I hope you accept me for what the fuck I am when it comes to do comedy you'll find me a fucking uncle Vinny's I'll be ready to go tip top my goo from time to time I read a joke in a notebook now but nothing serious I'm just trying to work on the book and I'm just trying to get my life together then again I want to apologize to Lee for you know enabling him and like I said we enabled each other but at the end of the day we really really loved

each other and we love each other even more now because we had this talk we got it out in the open of what was really really eating him and what was eating me for the whole two weeks I kept asking my wife I wonder what's eating you'll be great it was all that shit it's that I'm not a fucking pig I'm not I did my time it's over I don't give a fuck about what publishes sign this what they think about a video all that shit's over with I don't give a fuck you know they gun in for Rogan now the Times is doing calling a bunch of people the business reporter is calling a bunch of people who gives a fuck you can't cancel

what you can't fucking cancel you can't cancel me I don't give a fuck about another that shit I got a couple fucking years left to doing this and I'm gonna do it to the best potential if you get insulted go fuck yourself if you want to write up about it go fuck yourself it don't matter this train ain't fucking stopping so if your feelings get hurt or you don't like what you're hearing him I don't know what to tell you but I have to be myself I have to be who the fuck I am I know my past and I know my motherfucking future and I suggest you do the same that I look at prison and I look at the COVID

pandemic I'm very sorry to a lot of people who lost friends and family I lost a couple myself but for I think for 60% of the people this COVID was a silver lining because they got to see what they really wanted to do and what they didn't want to do anymore you know people are changing jobs by the fucking day people got a chance to think and people got to appreciate what they had and I hope you are one of those people by listening to the podcast and see what we're doing here everybody's changing and we're changing for the better somebody said on patreon to me the other day we're changing for the better and that's the

Monday morning podcast with uncle Joey better known as the motherfucking joint okay NFTs should be out this week on patreon if you notice we change the tears to 5 10 and 15 September 25th I'm thinking of renting a movie theater out in New Jersey very low area very quiet area Michael be there I'm gonna invite Lee and we're all gonna fucking go to a movie together I'm gonna try to rent a movie theater out a matinee and all the $15 tier you know if you live close if you can make it I'll put your names on the list there'll be no guests because we just got enough for us so it's just us so don't bring a guest and we'll put

your name on a list I'm gonna do this right get security and we'll go see a movie together what's better than that all of us together to see the many saints and then afterward we'll take a fucking one big group patreon picture and we'll go our own ways what do you think about that and I'm thinking of doing it all the time with different fucking movies I'm in the mood to start going to see movies again so Mike what do you think I'm down you know whether we smoke refront if we smoke a lot of reef and I'm gonna get thrown out then they're not gonna have us back so I suggest you get high in your car drop your edibles

in the car we never know we might have an edible person there I'm not I'm not saying nothing but every once in a while there might be one on your seat when you sit down at the movie theater we might pull an Ari and play fucking how have you there an hour earlier looking for edibles in the mall you know I'm saying because the movie theater I have in mind is in a mall so I really want to do this for you guys I as I was shooting the many saints in Newark I was thinking about one thing how once I do this I'm done once I do this this is why I got into comedy you know I left here a fucking bum I'm still a half a bum but

I'm doing this movie for New Jersey I hope that by me being in this movie it makes you forget the bad things I did it proves to you that I came a long way I left here in 85 a piece of shit miserable lost kid who had done some really fucking bad things I robbed a lot of people I did drugs I was careless and I came back a responsible man with a family what could be better than that I think some of that was giving me anxiety also you know so thank you thank you for having my back the NFTs should be out this week hopefully you know I talked to the guy the other day they're excited it's the picture of me when I'm a kid I'm

like nine whatever the fuck it is you know cryptos down hey what are you gonna do Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself but for you people were just regular people I love you guys and thank you I'm very sorry about the inconvenience last week I know you guys got us on speed dial every Monday at 7 a.m. and it'll continue from now on but in a couple weeks we'll take another day week off because you know what sometimes going away makes you fucking strong on the way back so I felt great today I feel good about the future I feel good about everything and I'm happy that you guys stuck it out with me

through my fucking anxiety and my bullshit and what was going on when we be guessed what motherfuckers I'm back so get ready to rock we're gonna start having a good time on all levels thank you very much for watching the joint and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors all right I want to thank you guys for taking a ferocious here beat and listen the suit don't fit so don't expect much anymore it's just I just want to be a fucking dad and I'm happy you guys understand that but before we leave I got to talk to you about a few people the joint is brought to you by blue shoe listen blue shoes fantastic

I'm 58 years old I'm proud I do that listen squats I still got a semi three quarter hard on but if I want to show up with the goods I got to take a blue shoe and listen at first I was scared you know turn you know turn me on to Brad Williams is the one that said you could do blue shoe it's good for your heart it started as a heart medication blue shoe is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra and see Alice at a fraction of a cost you could take it anytime day or night and it's simple you sign up at blue shoe calm and you talk to one of the licensed medical providers once you're

approved you'll receive the prescription within days days and the best part is it's all online nobody knows nothing no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations no brow beating from the lady at the pharmacy your wife don't have to know cuz let me do your girlfriend don't have to know can you imagine you show up with your girlfriends you eat like 40s fucking blue tubes and you give a dick for like four hours or has all fucked up and shit how are you gonna look you're gonna be the man of the fucking year and the easy thing is it ships right to your door in the discreet package not even the fucking

mailman knows blue shoe tablets are made in the USA prepared and shipped directly USA USA this is a USA type hard on it's way cheaper than the pharmacy also so if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform I mean even if you got a great hard on your 26 but you want your fucking dick to be purple with that pink fucking helmet vibrating blue shoe can help and they got a special deal for you try blue shoe gratis free Niente nothing use promo code Joey just pay $5 shipping that's blue shoe dot com promo code Joey to receive your first month free and as always I want to thank blue shoe for sponsoring

the joint the joint is also brought to you by one of my all-time favorites I'm staring at 418 boxes in my garage how do you think I'm gonna get them out of the magic carpet fuck no stamps dot com they're tremendous my wife has been working with stamps dot com since fucking the sopranos got off the air in 2007 are you still going to the post office why I'll bet you're paying full price on posters too that ends today that's why you stamps dot com my wife sends letters ship packages t-shirts mugs hats patches anytime anywhere right from your motherfucking computer buy print and ship it's that simple with stamps dot com you

pay a whole lot less and you get discounts up to 40% off from the post office rates and up to 62% from UPS rates stamps up com saves businesses thousands of dollars and hours that's the most important your time listen we all got one foot in the grave when a banana peel you want to be fucking around with boxes all day and sending letters to the post office you got to wait on fucking line some guys breathing on you those days are done stamps dot com saves businesses and time which is fucking what I love like I said to you my wife's been with them for years they're phenomenal you weigh you print up the

fucking stickers and the next thing you know they got the fucking package that's not easy I don't know what to tell you this works for big businesses small businesses stamps dot com is a must-have print us postage for any letter any package any class of mail it's no wonder over a million small businesses have already used stamps dot com you could ship anywhere in the world straight from your laptop schedule to pick up and the mailman comes to you cocksucker you can also take a walk and drop it off yourself if you like but if not stamps dot com if you're not with stamps dot com you just fucking slipping if you have a

small business or a big business so stop wasting time right now by going to the post office go to stamps dot com instead and what I'm gonna do for you on a beautiful Monday morning use promo code Joey you get a special law for that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and the digital scale with stamps dot com there's no long-term commitment to contracts go to stamps dot com click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Joey j o e y that stamps dot com promo code Joey you'll be fucking tweet me and thanking me later with your small business or your large business stamps dot com never go to the

post office again I want to thank blue chew I want to thank stamps dot com but most importantly I want to thank you guys for having our back and supporting us in every fucking possible way you can again I'm sorry about last week but everybody needs to take a break from time to time stay black have a good day and enjoy your Monday cocksuckers we'll be back Thursday talking about fucking gambling or one of the best in the business I love you motherfucker stay black if we don't see each other have a happy fourth you