Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #079 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, July 12th..... This Episode is called “Just What I Needed”…. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.Stamps.com Enter Code: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com and enter PROMO Code: JOEY or CHURCH Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world https://www.Instagram.com/laughinggas And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 12th. The joint is brought to you by stamps.com. I love stamps.com. With stamps.com, I can skip the post office and save money on postage. You send letters, you ship packages anytime, anywhere, right from your computer.

With stamps.com, you pay a whole lot less. You get discounts up to 40% off post office rates and up to 60% percent off UPS shipping rates. Stamps.com saves businesses thousands of hours and tons of fucking cash every week. For example, this weekend we sent out 400 boxes, 400 mugs through Patreon. How the fuck do you think we sent them out?

You think I walked them to the post office? Hell no, stamps.com. We printed up the labels, we called the post office and they came over and picked up all the fucking boxes and a little truck, it was tremendous. I helped the guy out, I was getting back to the gym and he pulled up and me and my wife helped him. It was tremendous.

How do we do it? With the help of stamps.com, tremendous. You got a small business, stamps.com is a must have. You print your own postage for any letter, package or any class of mail. It's no wonder over a million small businesses use stamps.com. So do me a favor right now, use promo code Joey

and get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. Where you gonna get that from? Nobody, Uncle Joey's hooking you up with stamps.com. Stop wasting time going to the post office. Go to stamps.com instead. There's no risk. With stamps.com, there are no long term commitments,

no contracts. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone on top of the homepage and type in Joey. That's stamps.com, promo code Joey. And listen, you're never going to the post office again. The joint is also brought to you by our family. CBD lion, the fucking lion don't mess around. Whether it's hemp weed, the kinesiology tape,

the gummy bears and raspberry orange, the tropical, they got capsules, they got cream, they got vapor pans. Listen to me, go to CBD lion.com right now. Read up on the third party lab results. Read up on CBN, the benefits of CBD, CBY, how they could help you and whatever element you may have. Go to CBD lion right now, read, learn, get something.

If it's your knee that help, it's your elbow. If it's anxiety, CBD lion could help you. As soon as I get out of the shower in the morning, I brush my teeth, the whole fucking thing. There's a container right there. I put 1500 milligrams under my tongue and I feel tip top magoo for the rest of the day. Go to CBD lion, press in Joey or church

and get 20% off delivered right to your house. That's CBD lion. It's time to get this party started. Uncle Joey on a Monday, there you go with CBD lion, stamps.com and Uncle Joey's joint. Hey, how you doing? Come on in. Check one, two, welcome to Uncle Joey's joint.

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, the 12th of fucking July. It was a beautiful fucking weekend and guess what? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I got bad news for you. My fucking devil pipe broke. Listen, man, let me tell you something. Fucking, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Fucking, last night I was getting high after my, I have a little process. I do my little fucking cup of tea, regular 325 ABX, sleepy times, you know, Uncle Joey, keeping the numbers low, getting high on it.

And then when I finished my little cup of tea, before I practice my guitar, I go out in the yard and I get my little fucking devil. And last night I was smoking my little fucking devil. This is a great pipe, by the way. It hits tremendously. It's perfect, no carburetor. Look at this motherfucker, he means business.

He's angry, he's smiling, he knows what's on his mind. Look familiar? So I don't know what the fuck to do. I went to clean the pipe out last night and the thing just fucking fell the fuck off. That's the problem, I don't wanna glue it and then smoke fucking glue and then I'm cousins with Sticky Charlie.

I go for a blood test and they're like, you got glue in your fucking system and then now it's another fucking problem and then the next thing you know, they're talking on me on my line, Joey smoking glue. I don't need this shit. So I gotta figure the fuck out how to, how to fucking, how to fucking put this in there.

I don't know, I have no fucking idea. But I was just starting to have a great fucking time with this reefer. You know, it's been great. I took this break, I didn't know where I was going and I'll tell you what, I thought about when I went to prison, I was telling Mike,

when I got locked up in 88, I thought it was gonna be a lot worse. Like that was what I was dreading. I wasn't dreading getting raped. I wasn't dreading getting beat up. I wasn't worried about the fucking food. I was worried about what the fuck am I gonna do in prison when it comes time to go to sleep at night and get high?

And how bored am I gonna be without the reefer? But I'll tell you what, after a couple fucking days, you gotta pay attention in jail. So I just forgot about fucking what I was worried about and I moved right fucking through it. And I never really thought about it. As soon as I got out of fucking prison, I mean, that afternoon I got high.

And then, you know, I tried to be cute and fucking, you try to drink water and drink the cerdo and the vinegar and nothing fucking pans out. But for some reason, you know, I was keeping my, I had to decide, like what the fuck do I wanna do? Do I wanna snort coke or do I wanna smoke reefer? Which one? You gotta pick one.

You can't, you know, you can't fuck. You gotta pick a fucking flag. I mean, that's how crazy I was. You gotta pick a flag in between reefer and fucking coke. I picked the fucking coke, you know, cause it's only in your system for 72 fucking hours. If you get high on a fucking Friday night, you're cutting it close on Monday.

You're cutting it close, but you just gotta pray that your color don't come up. If you call and there will be like color purple and I was purple, oh fuck. You gotta start drinking the water and all this shit. So I just went with the coke and I was like, I had already done without the reefer for all this time. You know, I don't really need it.

I need the coke a little more. That's a fucked up concept to think about, but it's true. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, what the fuck? How am I gonna get my? Cause when I got here, I found myself smoking these fucking poles of this weed and I'm like, I'm going through weed like it's candy. You know, I'm just going through it.

Like I showed up with eight ounces and I went through them in like fucking two months. It was like crazy. I'm like, how am I gonna slow? And this shit is like fucking 35%, 34%. How am I gonna slow these fucking rails down? And I'll tell you what, I thought about, when I was in the halfway house,

I was a real fucking pain in the ass. I really was. I kept giving them hot UAs and you know, you do, the first hot, they'll forgive. The second hot, they have a court hearing. The third hot, they have another court hearing and they'll probably end up sending you the fuck back. I got my first hot for cocaine.

They took some benefit, they take away your fucking, like you get the weekend furloughs, whatever the fuck I had, they take them away. I'd have to, I couldn't drive. You lose your privileges. That's what you lost, your privileges. So I kept getting into trouble. Like not in trouble like for being a bad guy,

but I kept testing positive for drugs. I couldn't stop fucking doing drugs. I loved them. So I love, I'm not gonna lie to you, I fucking love that cocaine. So I had to figure out a fucking, you know, I was in there, I gave them two fucking hots. And then I did some, you know, I did some time

and they let me go out for fucking like three months. And I gave them another fucking hot UA and they put me back into the halfway house. And they said it's for a minimum of six months. And I thought about it. My wife at the time was fucking pregnant. I'm like, you know, it's September. I'm back in this fucking halfway house.

They're gonna hold me here till February. What the fuck am I gonna do? So I had two options. I could either sink or fucking swim. I said, you know what? If I do this, I'm gonna do it right. I'm gonna make them proud. I'm gonna be proud and I'm gonna get this

out of my fucking system once and for all. So believe it or not, believe it or not, I stopped snorting coke. I stopped selling coke. I said, I'm gonna do these last six months fucking by the book. Like the same way I did the Soprano film, there was by the book, I did,

I looked at this last run at the halfway house and I go, if I go back in there and I give them another hot or another two hots or whatever the fuck I give them, this ain't gonna end. This is the, once you get in that fucking system for people who've been in the system, you know it doesn't end. And if you keep fucking with them,

they're gonna keep fucking with you. So I had two, I was already driving them fucking nuts. When I was out, they would, you know, they would come to my house and knock on the door and you're supposed to let them in. I'd never let them the fucking. That guy came to my house 10 times, not one time that I opened up the door.

They were pissed about that. They were pissed about the foaming UA's that I was putting shit in my dick, like powder and pipe cleaner and toilet cleaner and pool cleaner. And I kept zapping the test, like they knew. They're like, this motherfucker keeps zapping the test. So now like they had a fucking chick watching me fucking pee.

They had another guy watching me pee. They were looking at the camera. They were looking at my dick. I'm like, you know what, man? I'm too old for this shit. I'm really too old to be fucking around with this shit. Let me do this the right way. So I went into that halfway house

and I became the model fucking prisoner. I swear to God, you guys are sitting there going, no, you didn't enjoy it. I swear to God, I was the perfect fucking invict. I did what I had to do. I fucking did not get high, but I did get high. And let me tell you how I did it, okay? I didn't get high, but I did get high.

And let me tell you how I did it. I cleaned up the coke. I said, no more fucking coke. I got to do this for my wife. You know, she's having a baby. I can't be fucking around. You know, you always think the kid is gonna save your life. The kid ain't gonna fucking save your life.

You always think the kid's gonna save your life. I'll do it for my kid. No, you won't. You can't do it. If you're not gonna do it for yourself, you're not gonna do it for your fucking kid. So I was like, you know what? I got a kid coming.

I really got to change my life. So I just made a deal with myself. I said, listen, six months, no coke. And what you're gonna do is you're gonna roll the tiniest fucking joint. So I took, you know, instead of rolling my fucking usual gorilla finger joints, I took a third of that.

I rolled what you guys at home call a pinner. I rolled a fucking pinner. And I had a garage that I paid 35 bucks a month for. I love that fucking garage. It had a punching bag, a never last punching bag, a weight weights and I had a fucking ghetto blaster in there and tons of cassettes and tons of fucking shit in there. And I had my weed in there.

Nobody knew about this garage. Nobody. It was a hidden fucking gem. I had rented it. I got it off a newspaper and the girl was like, I don't even live there. Just send me like a money order once a year. It was 35 bucks a month.

It was fucking like stealing. I had dumbbells in there. I would just go in there, park. Some nights I would park down the block. No, I would, nobody. It was like my own personal little back cave. It was like having that fucking office I had in LA. It was behind a fence.

I would have to go behind the side street. Nobody would see me walking. I felt like fucking, what's the name with the wig? Ben Affleck and the accountant. Remember he had the fucking little trunk in there with all the Kugurans and shit. That's why I had everything hidden in there. I had my scale.

I had a fucking scale. I had cutting there for coke. I had everything that nobody knew about my little fucking. Nobody knew about my little fucking hut. So this is how I got away with those last six months of getting out. Are you ready? And I swear to God, I would basically go to the garage.

I would bring, in those days, there was no fucking bottled water. I would bring like a fucking thermos of fucking water. And I would take the joint. I swear to God, I would go like this with it. And I would put it out. And that was it. I would lift weights.

And you know what? I felt like the first week, 10 days, I'm not gonna lie to you. I didn't get fucking high and I was pissed off. I'm like, fuck, this ain't working. And I was tempted to take the second hit. But when you first go in there, they piss and they get your levels.

And if you go above that level, then you test positive. With THC, it would go up a little bit. If you ate like those fucking poppy seed bagels or there's different things that'll give you a higher reading on THC. So I was careful as fuck. But even though that, for those 10 days, I didn't get high. Like on the 11th day, I would just go.

And I was getting fucking blasted off that one hit. I was getting your body just to adjust to it. If you don't have a whole joint and you just have one hit, if you just have one little roach and you hit it, eventually your body will fucking absorb that and do whatever it needs to do with it. I swear to God, I lived off that system for six months

and never gave them a hot U.A. But I had to work out four or five times a week and sweat a lot and I had to drink a ton of fucking water. But for six months, I kept that system and I fucking got drilled. I still remember going to see good fellas and I would do the same exact system. I would go, I have a process for movies.

I would go get a little Chinese food first before and I always go to the 11 o'clock movie nice and easy, nobody's there. I would go by myself. When good fellas came out, I didn't give two fucks. I was going to see that. I read that book when I was in prison. I said, fuck it, I'm gonna go

and I'm gonna watch that fucking movie. I don't give a fuck if they know, they don't know because you're not really allowed to go to the movies when you're in a halfway house. You have to tell them where you're going and what time you're gonna be there and they can't call the movie theater because they would usually call you and say,

hey, is Joe Diaz there? And then what are they gonna come into the movie theater? Hello, there's Joe Diaz in here so you can't really go to the fucking movies. So I would hit it off and I would catch them in the morning. They thought I was at work, but I gave them a pager number. I didn't give them like a word.

I said, listen, man, I work at a fucking car dealership and I'm in and out of there. If you call that five out of 10, they're gonna get me. If not, I'm on the fucking road. So I had to go to court and get permission to drive in the halfway house to get that fucking job. It was a nightmare, but it was well worth it because that driving privilege got me around in the daytime.

Plus, and then I told, I said, listen, instead of me having a fucking job, whatever, just hit me on the pager. Just call me on the fucking page and they were like, pager, we don't know about that. I go, yeah, it's a lot easier for everybody. I can call you right back. I just gotta pull over to a payphone

and call you, tell you where I am. And if you wanna bring some, if you wanna, because they would send people, they would send counselors out. Like if you're at a job, they would send the counselor out. Your counselor would probably come to your job twice a month unannounced.

So fuck you. I didn't want my counselor to come. I told him, if you come, I won't be there. So what I would do is, I had a friend, you know, Uncle Mike, Mike Castle, the crazy dude, I put on the fucking podcast about eight years ago. I told them that I worked at the Acura store. And if fucking Mike saw one of my counselors come in,

he would call me on the page and say, where are you? Stop what you're doing. Come on back. The lady's here. At the time, I had two counselors. I had a black counselor named Judy, who I fucking loved to death.

I'll never forget one day I was driving illegally. Like I wasn't supposed to be driving. I'm driving a car. I'm blasting like death lepid fucking, pour some sugar on me. I never forget that. That was my jam then. And I look, I'm at the light.

And I look to the side and there's Judy, the black chick. And I'm like, oh shit, if she sees me driving, I'm fucking dead. I just sat there at the light and I looked the other fucking way. And the light switched and she took off and I fucking got behind it.

I made a fucking right in the next corner. And that was the end of that. My other counselor, Adam, I had him by the short and fucking Harry's this cocksucker. You ready for this? He used to live. He didn't know that I knew, but I knew that he lived down the block from me.

I was looking at his folder one day. I was in his office and he was on the phone with somebody when I came in and he was telling him, meet me at this place till I live right down the block. And I was about to tell him, hey, I live around the block from that place too. But when he got off the phone, I didn't say shit. I was just like, oh, you know,

I just came to see you. And he, you know, when you're in the halfway house, you have a weekly review. And I would have to go see him. Like I had Judy in the beginning, but I had Adam when I made a comeback to the second time, the halfway house. They gave me Adam because he was a little tougher.

He was a Jewish guy. He was a little tougher. He was a New York City dude. And he knew what he was doing. So Adam took me over and he's like, you ain't gonna pull what you were doing with Judy and all those people before. I'm gonna be on top of you.

I got the notes from Community Corrections. You wouldn't open the door. That shit's gonna change. I'm gonna come to your house personally, whatever. Are you ready for this one? This motherfucker was fucking the administrator from the halfway house. Some hot chick that came in my room one day.

I was weighing Coke in the fucking room, right? I got like an ounce of Coke. I'm weighing on the scale and she comes in. So I, you know, you guys know what a bendal is. A bendal is a little fucking thing where you put Coke in. But I used to make big bendals, like, so you make a big bendal like this. All right, this is considered a big bendal, right?

And you fucking take this and go like this and then fold this and there's a big bendal, right? So I had the Coke and a bendal and I took the fucking, she came in but she came into the fucking condo. We were at, I was in the bedroom weighing the Coke. There was two bunk beds. It was a seven man room.

So it was four fucking beds in one room and then three beds in the other. You started in the bunk beds and you graduated to the small rooms and they put you in a three man room. So I'm scooping the Coke. She comes in and she's like, where is everybody? I'm scooping the Coke onto the bendal

and all of a sudden it goes like this and it just bounces up into the fucking air. There's Coke all over the fucking carpet. I'm fucking scrambling. She comes into the room. I finally put the scale away. I'm sitting there. She comes into the room and she's like,

what's all this white powder on the floor? I go, I don't know. It's fucking the ceiling. Something for, thank God, the ceiling had those white little bubblies. It was like sprayed up there, like the popcorn ceiling. That's how I got away with it.

She came in, she's like, what is it? I go, I don't know what. And I'm like, please don't bend over and taste that shit, please. She walked out and I got on my hands and knees. I picked up every fucking rock in that fucking room. I was scared shitless. So she always, she always had like,

she didn't really like me. She wasn't a nice lady. I forget what the fuck her name was, but he was banging this shit. You know, you could see like how they would talk at work and stuff, but it gets better. One morning I wake up, because I used to have to have to come to my house

and walk my dog. Even though I was in the halfway house, I still had to come home and walk the dog. In the morning, so one more before work, one morning I go over there and I get the dog and I'm walking, and I'm not thinking about nothing. I'm not thinking about seeing nobody. I'm just thinking about my day.

I'm walking down the fucking block. And who do I see? Adam and the chick walking out of Adam's apartment at eight in the morning. I mean, you know, four in the afternoon, you could tell me you're working. Eight in the morning, you're doing one thing. You either fucking or snorting coke or you're doing both.

Or you just get, you know, you just don't go to somebody's house at eight in the morning. When they both saw me, they shit their fucking pants. They just froze. They were like, I had my dog and I'm like, how you doing? Good to see you.

Yeah. And then I didn't say none. I just walked away. They went into their car. And that afternoon when I got to the halfway house, there was a note in my folder, come see Adam ASAP. I knew what that was about.

I walked in there like, how are you doing, cocksucker? What's going on? You know, what do you want to see me about? And he's like, sit down. He's like, listen, what you saw this morning can't fucking leave. You know, this, this place will get in trouble.

Her and I, so I'd appreciate it if you fucking, you know, wouldn't say nothing. I'm like, what does this job mean to you? You know, I mean, I don't know. We got to scratch each other's back here. You know what I'm saying? And he goes, what can I do for you? I don't know, make my fucking life easier here.

Maybe give me some furloughs. I mean, I've been here for a couple of months. I haven't given you any fucking hot UAs. I've been a model fucking citizen. You know what I'm saying? I mean, throw me a little love here. Give me a little break. Put me in a three man room.

So we did that. He goes, if you don't say nothing about me and the broad, I'll put you in a three man room. I'll give you some furloughs and I'll let, you know, keep doing what you're doing though on your end. And I'll let the fucking last three months of this be a paradise for you. And listen to this.

You're supposed to, it's like level one, level two, level three. I always made it to level three and then I got a fucking hot UA. Always made it to level three and always fucked up. Bitches, I made it to level four, which is like you're allowed to drive. You come in at midnight.

You can leave at six in the morning. I mean, the fucking rules on level four. I mean, if there was 90 people in that fucking place, there was maybe nine people, 10% made it to level four and stayed there. If you were on level four for three months, they'd automatically like discharge you. Like if you gave them level four for three months,

they'd automatically discharge you. It was so good for me that I was supposed to stay in there for six months and it put me like in mid-February and one day they came to me and they said, you're done Friday. I was like, you ain't fucking serious. I'm like, but no, I started fucking with them, but no, I wanna stay, I wanna do my time.

And they're like, nah, you gotta go. And if you're level four, when you get out, they automatically cut your UAs in half. So you don't take four UAs. You take two UAs a month. It was like, fuck guys, it was like fucking stealing. It was perfect. But I did those six months by the book.

Yeah, I smoked under the fucking limit, but it kept me together and it got me the fuck out of there. So it's funny that I used that when I was thinking about what to do a couple months ago, I'm like, wow, my body just, the COVID, all this shit, every time I smoked, every time I was getting high, I would get like a fucking sore throat.

And I'm like, I got COVID. So between that, the fucking emails and all that shit, that's what made me fucking give it a breather. But I'll tell you what, man, this breather has been the best thing I've done. It really has. I brought everything back to my world with the edibles now, I'm using them to sleep.

I couldn't even, like the way I can't imagine doing a line of coke now, but I can't even imagine what it would feel like to do a line of coke. I think my blood pressure would drop and I'd just die of a fucking heart attack. That's the same way I feel about doing an edible in the daytime.

I couldn't even imagine feeling that fucking way again. And I, listen, I got nothing, you know, me dog, I'm heavy fucking duty. I fucking did everything. You guys saw it, you guys witnessed it. I had a good time, I enjoyed myself. I was the king. I mean, there was a podcast I watched that was disturbing

because they weren't lying. It was Rogan and Tom Segura. It was a weekend that I went away with Tom Segura and we went up to a casino and we went to Eugene, Oregon. It had to be 10 years ago. And he went on Rogan that file on Monday and told him I went on a plane with Diaz and he was eating edibles.

And in that episode, if you watch it, Joe Rogan says, you know, if most people would say that Joey Diaz has a fucking problem with that THC, like most people would say that boy's got a fucking problem. If you watch the fucking podcast, I laughed because I knew it wasn't a problem. I had been doing it all my fucking life. That's why my tolerance is so high.

I was smoking all my fucking life when all those people, because all of a sudden in California, when they got legal, everybody became fucking Tommy Chung. And I couldn't have it. I couldn't fucking have it, you know me? So I even, I even pushed it up a little bit. Like I pushed it up a little bit. And now I think about those times and I'm like, wow,

I wasted a lot of fucking weed because I didn't need all that fucking weed. This is why I look a lot better. You know, there's not that many chemicals in my body. I don't have fucking a thousand things going through my body. I mean, yeah, I'm taking 75 milligrams a night and I'm sleeping like a fucking baby. I wake up with cotton mouth like a motherfucker.

Some mornings, like if I wake up at five in the morning, I am high as fuck guys. When I go to pee, I am high as fuck. I'm like, I can't wait to get back to that bed. And thank God I'm not walking around the fucking streets like this. That's like, I can't think of fucking doing an edible in the daytime no more.

I'm sorry. Even the weed, like I missed a weed in the morning. I'm not gonna lie to you. Friday, Friday night, my wife, we had like a weird day. Friday I had to run around and shit. So I had like a light lunch at 12. I mean like an ultra light lunch. Like I had three cheese raviolis that were left over

from one of the nights. I go, why did you, why would you save? There were big fucking raviolis, you know? I go, why would you save three raviolis? She goes, I didn't even know to think about the offer. I don't know, my wife is crazy sometimes. So I ate the three raviolis so it threw me the fuck off. So I was fucking starving at fucking three o'clock.

And I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna eat? My wife goes, well I got some Chinese food if you want it. I didn't know if you wanted it for lunch. I ate the Chinese food and I gotta be honest with you. I didn't lose, just wait for a reason. I was fucking stuffed. Then my friend called and he's like, hey, we're going out to dinner with the kids.

We're gonna go get some cheese steaks if you wanna come. I'm like, fuck yeah, let's go with it. But also I'm like, fuck, I'm still stuffed from 3.30. I go, I'm gonna pinch here. Shit, you know, and he's a cop and other parents are gonna be there. I go, fuck it, I'll fucking smoke a little bit and I'll jump in the shower to get that smell off

and see if it kicks up my appetite. God damn it, I didn't break the pipe then. I broke the pipe two nights later, but I smoked a little, I took one fucking hit. I went upstairs, I took a shower, but at the time I got in the car, my fucking stomach was growling. I'm like, God damn, this fucking reefer worked.

I went, I met them, I ate, nobody knew I was high. I put vizine in my eyes and I came home that night and I smoked and I think two nights later, my fucking devil fucking broke, unfucking believable. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna have to crazy glue him, but I have to crazy glue it and make sure it doesn't hit the little fucking hole

because I don't know what it's gonna feel like to snort glue, but you know, snorting glue is one thing. Smoking it must be a complete different fucking situation. I don't know. But anyway, I wanted to talk to you guys about last week. I'm happy that you guys enjoyed the two podcasts with Lee last week. I'm happy that you guys got to see it

and I'm happy that you guys got to see us together and see the changes we made. I don't know how those podcasts came across into your world or what you read into them, but I hope they clarified a lot of things for you. You know, it wasn't easy doing those podcasts. You know, this is why I'm really hesitant now on searching for guests and starting all that shit again

because I don't have it in me anymore. Like the patience that you have to have with people, it's like the patience you have to have with me right now. Like this last week, last week was the first time I did three fucking podcasts. You're gonna see me on three podcasts in one week because I felt bad. I was busy.

I was behind the fucking eight ball all the time. You're gonna see me on Dom, Dominic Lombandosi's podcast. That should be out in two weeks. Or maybe this week I did Ashley Evans from the UFC and I did Ryan Sickler's podcast. We continued to saga all the way up to, I think, February of 97 when I got to the comedy store. I had been sold behind the eight ball in this fucking house.

I mean, Mike was asking me before, is there anything else that you wanna do? What do you wanna change? What do you wanna do? And I go, I really haven't thought about it. We've been so fucking busy here. Softball's about to pick up again. We had a little breather from the softball.

She's at a softball party. She went to a softball party on fucking Saturday. Sunday we met one of the girls and threw the ball a little bit and hit the fucking, went up to the softball field. There was nobody up there playing. We just fucked around a little bit, played out in the sun. But it's fucking busy around here.

I'm busy with it. Two weeks ago I had her for CCD camp. So she would come home at fucking 12 and there was no other kids around cause they were already in camp. So it was on me and my wife for fucking five days to do something with her till seven fucking o'clock. So it's just been crazy around here

and I haven't even thought between the fucking book. And we did Ozzy's Boneyard last week. Thank you if you listened on the 6th of July. Jimmy and I, I appreciate all the support. I just been busy with little things. I got to fucking paint the porch. I got to paint the garage. I got to, you know, there's so many little things

I have to fucking do, you know. But I'm happy that I could still, that I, I had to, I don't know how to say this. I had to take a breather, you know, that couple of weeks ago when we took that week off because I had a shoot and I had a bunch of doctors and my fucking anxiety. We had to get all that shit fixed.

I think it was one of the best things I did taking that week off, even though you guys know it's against what I believe, fucking, we work every fucking day here. It was good for me and it was good for you guys. It gave you a breather, it gave you a shot to look at what I was doing and putting Lee on the podcast. I mean, for me, it was a growth thing.

I wasn't ready for it yet, you know. Me and Lee had done eight fucking years, nine years. I don't think a lot of you guys understood that, that we were giving each other air. I think we were both lost without each other in September and October. Mike came in, we started anew, the joint and I started gaining ground,

but I really wasn't gaining ground. I was getting worse. I was getting worse, I was getting worse. The fucking surgery helped me out a little bit, but then I regressed a little bit with my fucking anxiety and, you know, I stopped doing stand-up. I pulled the fucking muscle in my leg. The muscle still fucking hurts.

The knee is tip-top fucking magoo. I'm doing great there. But I think it was time for you guys to know what happened with us in LA. It wasn't just a fucking podcast. It was a way of life, you know? I mean, Mike and I do this podcast and it's, you know, two, three hours a week.

We shoot a couple of videos. You know, the church was fucking 10 hours a week. Every time I went to the church, the church would start at eight o'clock at night, but we would get there at 730 and we wouldn't leave till fucking midnight, one, two in the morning. Lee was there till six in the morning after fucking time

because he'd get so fucking high he'd just fucking pass out there. I mean, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't get mad at the kid. We were eating fucking huge amounts of fucking THC, but it was good seeing him. It was good seeing what he became last week. It was good to see that he shrunk. We both shrunk.

It was good to know that we were both going through the same shit and we really didn't fucking know it, man, and, you know, I've checked in with him every day since the podcast were better than ever, were stronger than ever. I mean, he's gonna come on a little bit more from now on, like once every other month, I'm gonna start doing his podcast

and we're gonna keep this journey fucking going, man. So I'm happy that you guys had a fucking enjoyed it. A lot of you guys were like, a lot of you guys reached out and I'm happy that you got to know the truth, you know, what was going on, what wasn't going on. With dear friends, we did a great job and sometimes it's just time. Listen, I'm very happy now.

It's been rough to get to this place, but I finally did it. You know, when I got off the plane, I didn't know what my expectations were and I didn't know what people's expectations was of me. And right off the bat, I got thrown into the wolves with my old friends and, you know, I got threatened by one of them.

The 40 year friend to fucking threaten me. I woke up one day, I came downstairs and there was a fucking text, I called him back and he threatened me. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Then I had another friend of mine fucking go off the reservation. So it was kind of rough for me in the beginning.

I was just trying to get myself through murky fucking waters. Thank God for the Florentines, you know. Thank God for the people across the street, the Pumas, thank God for Christine and Steve. Thank God for all these people that came into our lives and took away a little bit of this fucking boredom. We made a lot of friends since we've been here.

When I got here, I had some friends that had expectations of me and I had to let them off the fucking hook and tell them that's not who I am anymore. You know, there was people that wanted to show up here without fucking calling. I have a daughter now, that's not who I am anymore. So all that stuff cleared up.

I got all that stuff adjusted. Some people's feelings got hurt. Some people's got butt hurt, but I can't help you. I have my own family and I have my own problems. I'm 58 fucking years old. We're not 20 years, you know, we're not 20 and nobody's fucking going to street of 54. I got responsibility.

So I think a lot of people got upset with me or had different expectations and you know what, they're gone now. The other night, Thursday night, I had plans. I was, I didn't have plans for Thursday night. I was busy Thursday. I went to the gym and then me and my wife had to go look at something and mercy

and we were gonna go to eat something. We had, oh, she had kickboxing Thursday night and Thursday night to late night. It's like fucking Thursday night is like a 6.30 night, quarter to 7, then we usually just get dinner out. We just meet at a chicken place or something or a burger place and we just get dinner out. But Thursday afternoon, I got a call from a friend of mine,

the guy Dave Beton. He owns a D.B. Orthopedics. That's where I did my PT therapy. I've known David since we were 17, you know, he was 17. I've known David 16. He called out of the blue and he goes, what are you doing tonight for dinner? Do you want to go to the Osteria?

And I'm like, the Osteria has a bocce ball court in the back. My friends go there and they're like, do you want to go there? It's supposed to be great Italian food. I'm like, I'm not doing anything. Let me just check with my wife, see what she's doing. And I just wanted to get clearance

just to make sure she could, you know, it's my job to take mercy to kickboxing. So I asked my wife, I go, listen, one of my friends called and said, if I wanted to go to dinner, you know, I don't know what he's going through, whatever. What do you think? And she goes, I think you need a night out with your friend.

You know, go ahead. Jimmy was working in the city. He was at Caroline's. I go, you know what? There's nobody around. I was going to call Jimmy, but he was at Caroline's. I go, let me just go to my friend, Dave, you know? I'm getting, we ran some errands.

I come back fucking home and my wife leaves to take mercy. And I'm put, I put a pair of jeans on a nice shirt on. And all of a sudden, one of my other buddies, the gear texts me and he goes, hey, are you showing up? And I'm like, are you going to? And he goes, yeah, I'm down here right now. I'm about eight minutes away from the restaurant. I go, I'll see you there.

And fucking on the way to the restaurant, it was like 15 minute, 20 minute drive. I fucking pulled in when I'm in there. I got another call and it's a different, it's mercy's Godfather. And he goes, are you here yet? And I go, what the fuck is this? You coming to eat too?

You coming all the way down here? Cause he lives all the way fucking up by Alpine, up there in New Jersey. I'm like, you coming down here too? Yeah, he goes, I got the day off. I wanted to go for a ride, you know, stretch out and see some friends. So I'll meet you at the restaurant.

I was like, I'm fucking shocked. It was fucking tremendous. I walked in, three of them were there. I didn't drink, of course. I had a fucking boring water, you know what I mean? Even the bartender looked at me like, what? Water. I go, I can't fucking drink.

I died last time I drank alcohol. I got a fucking reaction. I just drink water. I go, put a lime in there. So these people don't know I'm a fucking loser. They think it's a vodka with some ice in it. We sat down guys, we had a fucking great dinner. It was something that I really fucking needed.

These three guys, we have a 40 year history. I mean, these three guys I went to dinner with were at a dinner. I was at, in 1993, when I came back here to do standup for nine months, my friends said, you wanna go out to dinner? And these guys met up with us. It was about eight of us.

We went to a restaurant in Munaki called Segovia. Fucking tremendous. It's Portuguese food with the lobster tails and the fucking big steak. We went up there and it was about eight of us. We caused a fucking havoc. But I remember these three guys being at the table and they were grilling me about standup comedy.

Like, you really gonna be a fucking comic? You've been doing it for two years, get the fuck out of here. Like, you know, these are your friends. These like, they weren't negative. They were like, come on, you really gonna do this shit? And I'm like, yeah. So it was really funny to go to dinner with them the other night and they were asking me about standup.

And I'm like, you know what? It's just, I'm just taking a breather, you know? And they're like, we don't, how do you fucking take a breather from standup? And I go, of course. I go, remember, you guys were with me in 1993. That's 28 fucking years ago, January of 1993. We all went out to dinner.

Two of the guys died from that night, rest in peace. It was them four. My brother, that his wife died, was at that dinner up there. Another brother of ours, Stinky, was at that fucking dinner. He's, you know, he's married now. He's got his kids and shit. There was like eight of us, but those three guys were there. And it was really, you know,

they started asking me about my career and standup. And like, they don't know anything. I mean, honestly, they're so fucking busy in their lives. They don't know much about, I mean, they've heard of the Sopranos, but they knew like one of the guys said, I saw the trailer and it looks great. You know, we're really fucking proud of you.

And I'll tell you what, man, between Lee's podcast and that dinner, it's the name of this podcast today. You know what the name of this podcast is today? Just what I needed. Remember a couple of weeks ago, we did the cars, Candio, but about six months ago, I did the cars first album on album of the week on Patreon.

Just what I needed. Isn't that the song by the cars? He just what I needed. Listen, having Lee on the podcast and doing that dinner with those three guys. And we were home by nine o'clock. I mean, we met at six, we fucking ate. We had salads, four entrees,

which we all split with each other. And then to close out the night, we had a fucking Tomahawk steak with steak fries. Oh my God, Italian spinach with garlic in it, unfucking believable. You know, I don't eat that much spinach. I don't eat that much shit, but I ate every fucking piece that night.

I didn't touch the macaroni and cheese. I devoured the fucking spinach and they had a whole fucking garlic thing that they steamed. I kept popping out each fucking garlic one at a time. They've got the steak medium rare. I hate medium fucking rare, but with the garlic clove, mixing that fucking steak, it tasted fucking tremendous.

And the next day I was blowing some tremendous farts at the gym. I went to the gym Friday morning and I tell you, there was a couple of old people there and I would go by them. These were garlic farts. There was this one woman that I would just go close to. I was doing like these dead lips with 20 pounds in my hand

just to stretch out my lower back. I opened up a workout with that. But by doing the up and downs, you're also moving everything in your fucking stomach. Dog, I was ripping some fucking garlic farts on Friday in there. I would leave the area and then come back and go, oh my God, this is fucking terrible.

And there were these old people in there because the gym I go to in the morning, it's older people. And then if you go back, it closes from 12 to like four. If you go back, I've only been there after four twice to ride the bike because I've been busy in the daytime. If you go after four, it's about, it's young guys and hot chicks and shit. But in the morning, it's just a couple old guys.

There's like one or two young chicks. Jimmy Florentine goes in there. Jimmy Florentine was not there that day. Let me tell you something. I was blowing some farts in there. You thought it smelled like fucking the Jersey Turnpike in that motherfucker. And I was going a different part to the gym

where the fart was just settling. The fart would come out. Nobody was opening the doors, so it was air conditioning. And the fart, it was like going, you ever see Star Trek? When they come down, they have like the fucking things, the light, it was like there was a, you would walk into it and go, oh my God, this is terrible.

And then I would have to go out of, it was terrible. I had like eight little fart pockets in the gym that I would walk in and out of. It was one by the squat machine, one by the fly machine, one by the fucking tricep thing. I even farted behind the lockers one time and I went back there to do like fucking sit-ups with the ball. And I'm like, this is terrible.

I came home, I pulled my pants off to take a shower. Oh, it was fucking horrible. Those meundies had like a fucking brown spot in it. From the filth, I still use meundies even though they canceled me. I don't give a fuck. I still use them. I'm loyal to meundies.

Even though they got mad at me and said, fuck it, you can't do the part. We're not gonna sponsor the podcast. I still like meundies, man. So anyway, that's the name of the podcast today. Just what I needed. I'm a lot better. I'm doing a lot better.

I'm happy you guys are still watching. I'm happy you guys are enjoying these. I'm happy you're enjoying these little stupid fucking stories. This is what I'm going through. But because of you guys, I'm fucking back. I'm back 95 fucking percent. The anxiety is gone. The drug use is gone.

It's all over. We're fucking tip top Magoo and ready to fucking go. And we did it together. I'm with you. You're with me. And they want to be with us. We did this fucking together, man. So like I've always said, the podcast audience

has always kept me in check. I talk to you guys and you guys watch and you guys watch my every step. You see the guests I have on. You see what we discuss. And I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud that I got over this. What I was going through.

It was something I'm really against. Doubt and fear. We've talked about it a thousand times how they could fuck with you. And I didn't take my own advice. I let doubt fuck with me. I wasn't scared of anything. It was just doubt.

I had doubt when I moved back here. I didn't know what was going to happen. I was going into uncharted. I was in LA for 23 years. I had come out of my comfort zone. I had built a, if you know anything about me, I built a comfort zone everywhere I go. I try to make my life as easy as can be.

I was telling my wife the other day, I tell all my friends, I love you. And some friends of mine look at me like, what the fuck? What are you gay? What the fuck? For years I've been, I think I've been doing this for like 20 years.

And I started calling my friends or tight with me, my brothers. And I use a lot of love. If you guys see me on the internet, I always tell people, love you, love you, love you. And that's because friends don't, when I say I love you, that means I'm not going to fucking

inflict no pain into your life. I'm not going to fucking, you know, be a burden in your life. I'm not going to fucking cause any problems in your life. I'm going to make your life as easy as I can. As a friend, as a brother, as a sister, that's what I fucking strive to do when I say love. A lot of you people might seem like,

I just talked on my line. He told me he loved me. He doesn't even fucking know me. Yes, I do know you. And I do know that by me saying that, it makes me stronger. And it makes you realize that with me, I'm not going to fuck you over.

When I say, that's why I get mad at people. They say they love me. Then, you know, if a girl tells you she loves you, she won't fucking cheat on you. So when a man tells another man, or I tell another man or a woman, I love you, it's that I won't cheat on you. I will never fucking embarrass you.

I'll never make you feel down. I'll give you the best friend that you could ever fucking have. So it was good to see my friends the other night. And it was good that over the years, I told them I loved them and they got to see it the other night, the man that I became.

You know, I was telling Mike that the big problem I'm having with this book is that I got to write the whole thing, you know, with Erica. And it's a lot to tell. I'm trying to read this book, The Lives of Jimmy Page. You know, it's a great fucking book, but I'm never gonna finish it.

And because it's too fucking big and it's too much in one fucking place. And that's the same thing I'm going through with my book. You know, I wish it was just narrowed down to these 30 years from 1991 to this Friday. This Friday would have been my 30th year in fucking comedy this Friday. I would have,

but one good thing is happening this Friday. Laughing gas comes out at fucking the ice cream shop. So do me a favor right now before you even forget, go to Instagram and fucking add laugh at laughing gas to your fucking list of friends. You're gonna have specials on there. They're gonna tell you what stores have laughing gas at

and let you know what's going on. I think they put a video up of me talking about it. It's a great thing. So that was gonna be part of my 30th anniversary. Obviously I'm not doing standup. I'm not gonna be on stage. So it's really not 30 years, but it is 30 years because I'm still a fucking comic in my mind.

I'm starting to, I'm still writing a few jokes from here to there, nothing too fucking crazy. And I put the fucking time in. So that's what I wanted the book to be the last fucking 30 years. So let's see what the publisher says. Let's see what the fuck we can make it happen because it's just too much information.

And the last 30 years alone have been interesting as fuck on their own. I didn't even know that till I talked to Sickler on Friday and I'm like, fuck this standup story is great because we were covering the beginnings of my LA life when I got into the comedy store the first month or whatever. But anyway, that's good enough for today.

I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I'm happy you're here supporting today. And I'm happy I was able to do the podcast today. This afternoon I have to go to the fucking dentist. My gums are still swollen. So they're gonna fucking dig in there. So I'll be back Wednesday, even if I have a fucking bandage

and I gotta talk like, it don't matter. I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday. Tip top motherfucking McGoo on the 14th. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the church. Thank you for supporting Patreon. Thank you for supporting the NFTs. And this Friday you'll be able to get laughing gas

at the ice cream shop on Ventura Boulevard in California. That's where it starts. And then we'll branch out from there. Other stores in Southern California, Nevada, Colorado, so on and so forth. That's it and that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Don't forget to follow Laughing Gas.

And now for a word from our motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I wanna thank you guys for listening on a Monday morning. Whatever, I'm here. That's all that fucking matters. I love you guys. But the joint is brought to you by CBD Lion, as usual, CBD Lion is my family.

I love them. I love their products. I've been with them for years. They saved me during the surgery, whether it was the kinesiology tape, the gummy bears from my anxiety at night. They got gummy bears or melatonin now that you'll sleep like a fucking baby.

But you gotta go to CBD Lion to get them. They have the hemp. They have the gummy bears. They got the capsules. They got the cream. They got the tape. They got the vapors. Listen, CBD Lion is there for you to administer CBD.

However you could get it and how it could be helpful to you and your family. CBD Lion has helped me overcome this fucking knee surgery and helped me with arthritis in my other knee. It helped me with my wrist. I mean, CBD Lion is number one in my book. Listen, go to CBDLion.com right now, read. You might, this answer might be with CBD.

Listen, the hemp, you smoke it, the CBD, tremendous. I smoked it a few times just to balance me out at night when I can't sleep, tremendous. But it all starts with you by going to CBD Lion. Right now, read, order, press in Joey or church and get 20% off your order delivered right the house. Who else does that for you?

Nobody, cocksucker. Uncle Joey does. The joint is also brought to you by stamps.com. Listen, this summer has been great so far. I'm getting back to enjoying life's little pleasures now that I'm not caught up with these fucking idiots and Instagram and how many friends do you have on Instagram?

I don't fucking know. What are you bothering me for? I got softball, I got barbecue, I got little kid parties, but going back to the post office is not one of them. Me and my wife just sent out 400 cups on Patreon and how did we do it? With stamps.com and you could skip the post office

and save money on postage. You could send letters and ship packages anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. Buy, print, ship, it's that simple. With stamps.com, you pay a whole lot less. You get discounts up to 40% off post office rates and up to 66% off UPS rates. Stamps.com saves businesses thousands of hours

and loads of cash and let me tell you something, you got a small business. Stamps.com is a must to print the U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. It's no wonder over a million small businesses already use stamps.com. So do me a favor right now. Go to stamps.com, stop wasting time at the post office.

Go to stamps.com instead, it's no risk. You're sitting there going enjoy, what are you doing? If you're not on stamps.com, you're slipping. You're scheduled to pick up and the mailman comes to you. You could also take a walk and drop it off yourself if you'd like to. But listen, use promo code Joey and get a special offer. It's Monday, start your week off right.

Go right now to stamps.com, use promo code Joey and I'm gonna hook you up with a four week trial. It includes free postage and a digital scale. With stamps.com, there's no long-term commitments or contracts. Go to stamps.com right now, click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Joey. J-O-E-Y, that's stamps.com, promo code Joey.

Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. I wanna thank stamps.com, I wanna thank CBD Lion, but most importantly, I wanna thank you, Cocksuckers, for having my back on Monday and Wednesdays and I'm patient on everything else you do. Like I said, don't forget to follow at laughing gas at Instagram to get the party started. And I love you, motherfuckers.

I'm gonna fix this double pipe, no matter what. I love you and I'll see you Wednesday morning. Tip top magoo, stay black, have a good day. Love you, Cocksuckers. That's a cool day. You