Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 08/05/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #102

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

Comedian Matt "The Full Charge" Fulchiron calls in. This podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. Use Promo code Church at checkout for a 10% discount. This podcast is also brought to you by Hulu Plus. Go to huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Also visit Dollar Shave Club for all your shaving needs. Go to dollarshaveclub.com/church

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. And now by Dollar Shave Club get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to DollarShaveClub.com slash church. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash church Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Oh shit, oh shit Monday August 5th and DJ Easy Rock hit it. Oh shit

Black people are jumping up and down somewhere right now. Fuck it. Oh shit. Oh shit hit it Are you fucking kidding me? Monday August 5th get up cocksuckers. It's the first Monday of the month jumping jacks sit ups push ups Kick the fucking dog. Whatever you need to do get the fuck out of the house. There's jobs out there. There's dreams hit it He wants to rock bitches I get stupid The church live are you kidding me or what hit it hit it Lee kick this motherfucker The reason why I don't know so let's go

What? Get up Watch those nuts if you're a woman wash that fucking monkey powder that bitch You're trying to make fucking enthusiasts. You know I'm saying What the fuck what? Oh Shit, oh shit. What's happening, baby? Not much You're on fire this morning. We didn't I slept eight. I broke my toe. I went to Santa. I'm rejuvenated. You know I'm saying

Rejuvenated recuperated. I'm every fucking ate it. Yeah, no, I don't think I don't think people know you broke your toe playing Fuck yeah, like a savage on Thursday and he called me like dog. I broke my toe and like that's like are you okay? Like yeah, I'm going back today at 10. I was using my arms What are you gonna do? I can't you know they break your fucking toe. What are you gonna do? They broke my little pinky toe. I'm like the black chicken Harlem night somebody shattering the pinky toe the Brazilians broke No, I was doing the drill. I was doing a hip escape and I went to It's a hip escape and you pull your legs up like to avoid the fucking shoot and you pick yourself up my road backwards on that one spin My toe got caught right the fucking matter

And that was the end of that and I fuck I was in Santa Barbara all weekend limping around with my wife and daughter Santa Barbara the beautiful fucking city, man We made a promise that we're gonna go to a beach resort every three months just to check it out because you got to do it You live in you know, it's a shame to live somewhere and not explore it. I got to be honest Yeah, I've neglected California just because I was caught up in my career was caught up Yeah, you know when you're doing auditions and shit a daytime You got time to be walking around Venice drinking wine with white people. You know I'm saying you got to get out there and fucking hustle It's always great on TV how people drink wine the daytime. Oh my god

No, that don't fucking happen when you're hustling when you're banging that yeah, don't get me wrong I get to smoke a joint either cheapo chew from time to time And bang it out like a fucking soldier out there. It's Monday cock suck as I love you It's that type of day. It's that type of day. No more fucking around. It's August or ready You've been fucking around all fucking you get up grab your balls do what you got to do It's out there for you the fucking month the streets aligned with Geetus All you got to do is get out there and get it. It's there for the fucking weight I'm telling you I wouldn't lie to you. Tell him Lee. We don't fuck in the church and shit

No, then you had a phenomenal weekend with mama Cita. She came over she rubbed your toe Did you got a robe yet? No, what the fuck are you waiting for? My dad wore wrote my entire life and it's hard. I can't wear a rope to me You think I like wearing robes? Yes. No, I Got the bushy one. Yeah, the fluffy one. That's light but fluffy. Okay, delicious Delicious with pockets. You got a lighter on one or joint the other What I need to keep I'm wearing a robe But I want to carry because you're naked underneath you just pop that motherfucker open the dick is right there

You know I'm saying the dick is already right there. You're not walking around nude in front of her Yeah, no, you're not sometimes Lee. You're killing me. Yeah, I'd shoot you if you walked around Did I get a bow and arrow and stab you in practice? Oh I would love to see you with a bow and arrow. Oh fuck. That's my main thing You know what I was scared of it at first because those fucking blades are sharp jack on a bow and arrow Yeah, they don't fuck around. I did archery at camp. I loved it. I loved it. I was good at it I like you know me too me too. I didn't do archery I did shooting bows to stab people in the neck in Colorado with some fucking white dudes

If you robbed a house with a bow and arrow, oh That'd be the best that'd be like the best movie just you as a super villain with a bow and arrow Rambo the best weapon fucking Rambo of a hat was a bow and arrow and Rambo too We went back to whatever Hong Kong of Vietnam Lee fuck see what I'm saying. I'm not my histories fucked up. We didn't fight I'm saying this is why I'm going back to school Rambo might have I don't know so remember had the explosive era Yeah, you didn't see that one. I said, I forget why it's first first one He gets a wested up and arrested up in Washington state those cops suckers. What's first blood? Is that first blood is the second one when he has the Chinese yeah

Yeah, so that one and then they went over there and he has the arrow remember the guy gets out with the gun He shoots him with that fucking arrow tremendous. I was black people in the movie. Let me tell you something I had the pleasure. I've said this before When I went from 84 to 85 people were looking for me. So I had a different way of life I wouldn't go to the movies in Jersey. I would go to the movies on a hundred and 80th and Broadway two blocks north 181st and Broadway three blocks north from the Port Authority right down Washington Heights Mm-hmm, and there's a movie theater if you walk down in the old days. It was a car val you could eat up there I get Cuban food I go get a nickel bag roll the joint on the walk

That's how strong I was in those days roll the joint on the walk we get the paper Fuck the sprinklers you're walking and right in the hallway And smart that motherfucker right there nobody would say who got Steve and you walk up to one of the first Go to the fucking movie theater numbers a car valve down the corner Tremendous like a doctor. They got on the train. I'm fucking Harlem. I'm in a and brought away dancing with fucking People down there. So everything's good. You had a good weekend. Yeah, you look good. Thanks, man I'm trying to do jumping jacks though this fucking weekend No, and when her mama's make me chicken enchiladas by the fucking plateful

I can't but uh, I uh I have an announcement for everyone out there What final watch silence of the lambs you bad motherfucker, and what did you really think? I mean was it scary or was a mind fuck? No, it wasn't I actually enjoyed it wasn't it wasn't one of those scary mind I did see a scary movie later, but it was uh, I Haven't seen Anthony Hopkins like that like it's because he was older when I first started watching movies So to see him like that and like you were right when you when she walks down to meet him for the first time And it's walking by all and I can I can smell your cunt and just just like though seeing him and then he uh The one thing I did notice and maybe because I'm used to looking for like little tricks

For a spoiler or Friday when I haven't seen it But like when he put the guy's face on his own face, I'm like I could tell because of the hair I'm like that's that's Anthony Hopkins. I could tell but that was uh, it was pretty fucking cool It's on it's on HBO going right now for people who want to see it. So tremendous Yeah, it's a it's a really well done movie, you know, Jodie Foster don't show up dog unless she shows up Yeah, I always remember that about Jodie Foster that bitch don't show up Unless she shows up. Yeah, she reads the script. She knows what she gets You know, you've never really seen Jodie Foster a really really really bad movie

She just has this gift and she fucking kills like in that movie with Denzel when she plays Inside man. Oh, yeah, that's a good movie. She was gridding that she's always playing something fucking weird, you know Yeah, but a animal like there was tremendous. Yeah, the guy who played the cop I'm gonna think about the gay guy that put his dick between his leg that motherfucker. He's also in the movie heat He's on television all the time. Is he really? Yeah, but he's great and he does the cop And in that movie puts his dick between his legs rub the cream on to the little chubby chicken shit She's rubbing the cream on with the dog. That's a fucking Academy Award winning goddamn movie. I'm proud of you Yeah, you see the differences in a movie. Do you see the fulfillment in a movie you leave there?

They answered every fucking corner. There was no fake explosives and those are 90s movie 90s weren't that great for movies So that was a fucking hit-and-a-half. Yeah, that was a hit-and-a-half. I'm telling you Sometimes you watch these movies and they're entertainment. There's a difference in a movie that entertains you That's a difference in a movie that cuts your soul because you're like goddamn. They did their work on this Yeah, and that's all I ever try to bring people. I don't I don't like fucking flimmy flam movies I don't like just throwing away fucking four dollars. You don't like the world whatever $12 Just because some fucking guys said it was a funny and you leave then you're like that was all right But I can get my two hours back for years. I never saw a movie that I left like that for years

I never went into a movie and left they go and what the fuck the last eight years I leave there leaving a movie on what the fuck was that the last ten fucking years. Yeah, I leave a movie going Okay, yeah, the one thing I would have liked to see and I wonder if they start the scene and just didn't make it What was the guy's name hand and blector had to kill himself in jail a Man makes makes I would have loved to like see like that like because what like when they said he killed himself When you like when you told the story I thought like you had a scene with him in the drug saying like you should like your father your father kill Your father molested you or someone's great about that dog. You know much great about the 70s 80s and 90s

They let your imagination run wild with a movie. Yeah, sometimes you gotta let somebody's imagination run wild Everybody has a different Conclusion a couple years ago. I always watched the Godfather Mm-hmm There's a scene of Godfather when he walks out and they put he's playing with Abalone and his wife He just marries him in Sicily and the car blows up that guy got away I'm believing the movie today going if he was such a fucking good gangster. What happened to that guy if you watch the The three this collection with the cutout scenes. Mm-hmm that guy goes to Buffalo and opens up a pizza place

One night you see him walking out of his pizza parlor closing the fancy gets into his car and the car blows up Yeah, they fucking so sometimes they shot it But they want you to leave it to the imagination, which I really liked Yeah The if you if I sit here with you and which I don't have the time it's Monday if we sat here We went through my 10 favorite movies somewhere along the line and left imagination to you Yeah, I just watched again. It was on the other night not cuz I wanted to watch it We went to Santa but listen the baby goes to bed at fucking 7 o'clock no matter how you cut it after 6 30

There's really not much you could do with my baby She goes to bed at fucking between 6 30 and 8 if my wife takes in the bedroom and she knows sleep is coming She fucking loses it. Yeah, she likes to fall asleep outside with us Let her fall asleep on her fucking terms. You're following me. He's already stubbornly. Yeah, so my wife don't fucking get it But anyway There's nothing you could do you want to go to a restaurant for what you're gonna have to get up and not enjoy it That night we went to the thing. She's 6 30 is not a good time for yeah, so We went to you know, she goes to bed

I'm in Santa Barbara. The reason why I went to Santa Barbara was just to relax. Yeah, all last week. I made notes I really didn't write. I took it easy. You know, I went to an extra couple jiu-jitsu classes I just wanted to experience what a vacation was like mentally and physically, you know, and I went for the Y twice I got shot in the knee. I did all my doctor. I got my heart fucking mammogram last week a Ultrasound on my heart. Mm-hmm beautiful. It's in great shape. Oh, good big mound of red With a dick Dick on it dog The doctor was you know, I gotta lose the fucking weight. We've discussed this before on the podcast

You know, it's not a serious offense, but the heart's strong I have a couple scars from the sleep apnea, but nothing from the blow Well, I'm from the blow the blows like a forgotten fucking soldier, but you and I both know that's bullshit Every time I look did a line of blow and not seven years off my life like a fucking cigarette a fucking coffee shop but uh, I Did that last week and so I just wanted I wanted to see what life was like without a notebook I wanted to see what people spoke about a vacation. It was good for two days. I really got I never did that as a fucking kid Bro, my family. Yeah, I'm gonna give me 300 bucks. I don't play that way

I know my uncle for a week or I go to Miami or I kick it around Muffberg and actually pick up and go and And my patience was good. I didn't have any problems with my wife, you know, it's getting real easy with the baby I mean, I thought it would be a pain. He has it is a fucking pain. He has sometimes to carry stuff around But you do what you do. Yeah, do what you fucking do Lee and it makes the end result is she's happy and the baby's happy And that's the end result and the quicker you get that in your fucking mind. There's a young man the quicker your life I don't care. How old do you 20 25? You want it to last with this broad? You like her your lover Do me a favor. Just make a laugh. Just make a smile nothing else fucking matters as long as they're happy You won't get your fucking balls busted. That's it. It's that fucking easy

Trust me You can look at all the love books and all the shit and I'm not talking about you got to give them toys and flowers nothing Do the little things because that's all that fucking matters at the end of the fucking week think about in your life What matters the little fucking things, you know, yeah, I mean everybody wants a car You know, man, I would nobody would turn down a seren series BMW from some fucking sucker No, that wants to eat your little pussy. I ain't mad at you But I saw your wife last night and your favorite part is something I would never have guessed you went to like a little Kids aquarium museum and your wife said your mind was blown like my mind blown got

Guys, I wouldn't lie to you motherfuckers. I'm a nerd at heart nerd nerd glasses You know stupidity. I'm a nerd that smokes pot That turned out some other fucking way Just turned out a different way if my life would have been easy. I would have worked at a video store I would have known I would have picked up one nerdish thing like how to fix a fucking mouse or something You know I'm saying like I would have picked up one nerd thing And I would have fucking rode with it and left be left alone. I'm a nerd. I live in my fucking head That's what a nerd does. They're too shy to fucking go out and they don't care about outside

Yeah, they're complete what they're fucking computer or they're fucking little walkie talk talking to their uncle on the phone You know, they don't bother fucking nobody. I started out building fucking models. I was fine on 148 So I wasn't stabbing nobody. I wasn't misbehaving But my mother got insecure and pulled me out of 148. So I was hanging out with a bat You know, I had some dirty white kids I hung out with that. I loved to all my heart these little irish killers But I also had these three little nerds that read books Like they I forget what their names are but they lived on half of the fucking uh the little jew fucking uh

card store 140 issues on the corner used to buy the glue there for sticky child They lived on top of that and these little nerds got together and they read the cyclopedias and they talked about the moon and You know, what you're supposed to fucking be doing as a kid Let me tell you what stuck out on my mind that my wife discussed yesterday. I know what you're talking about He went to santa barman went to the uh, we went to the underwater museum Whatever he bucks together and me her and the kid whatever the fuck it was When you first get in there

These these little tanks with all these little fishes and and crabs and starfish, but the kid had a shark tank and then he had a Fucking star Whatever you call a starfish a starfish, right? So he's holding on to the starfish. So as you walk in he goes, hi, how are you and these little kids and he's like touch it Touching little kids are touching And it's my fucking turn and a turd comes out of my ass, right? But i'm i'm depressed. I got all these little kids watching me go ahead, sir

Because they already fucking touched the starfish. I'm looking at my wife like I need this Should I smack this little fucking kid because he's not even saying he's a psychological genius this little kid He's not even saying touch it. Please. He's saying touch it Touch it touch it like a fucking black pimp touch it touch it 13 year old dirty white. I loved him No, he's like spanish kids. So I touched the starfish. I was fucking at all Like I thought like a kid again. I never touched no fucking fish when I was 10 I was in awe my daughter touches. She looked at me like what the fuck I was happy than she was She's fucking eight months old whatever the fuck she is then we go into another room

And they had like little go, uh, what do you call that shit jellyfish that shit blows my mind They had one that turned orange and brown and white One shot with a purple light behind is tremendous and these guys listen How many fucking museums do you go to these small little shitty towns and they're fucking bust outs? Yeah, they got like a lizard and a whale with a missing eye or something like that I don't need that shit this place was small But every detail was taken care of which impressed me and they had another thing But it was like a fucking uh, like a hand like a crowd

Like a crab or whatever the fuck it was a hoist The thing went into the water and picked dirt out for you Okay, and then put it on the table and you took it apart and you put under the microscope And it told you what it was 18 percent chloride oil Fucking brilliant. Sure. My head's gonna fucking blow up And I'm looking at these little kids doing it with another little kid is the volunteer So this little girl was 10 but she was a volunteer. She was helping other little kids And I had to run out of it because it was gonna be my turn right like she was like the fucking jellyfish

I just ran because I would blow up if I had to put that dirt under the microscope my head would fucking blow up I'd be in heaven So I went upstairs we went to the puppet theater My wife did the puppet with the baby then we went for this other fucking thing We went down we looked at goldfish jelly every fucking fish then we went downstairs And I saw a little boy again Yeah, we looked at that little boy thought about my life and I thought that could have fucking been me easy No, I I wouldn't have to look at those fucking dead bodies with those irish kids and I never I never came back from that

I should have mind my fucking business and I looked at that little kid my heart broke I go, can I talk to you for something? He goes, what's up? I go, are you volunteer? There's a job He goes, I volunteer I go you get good grades and he goes I go ace and he looks at the floor and he goes, yeah, and I go man good for you and I knuckled him He knuckled me and I felt great. I felt like a fucking nerd again. You know what I'm saying? Like I just felt great So it was it's really funny because we get caught we we didn't do it for a while But we were having coffee and like we're talking about stuff and you're joking around and I went into

Go to the bathroom get a drink and by the time I came out your wife was there And it's it's weird the change because like when I went out we were talking you're like Yeah, and you were telling all the stories But then when we came back you were doing like a little drum solo for your daughter and like at first She wasn't paying attention, but then like you got her on the stomach and she started laughing and giggling You just look every like tough crowd and then you just That's work, bro. I do that's what I'm saying I took the week off because I was entertaining the troughest fucking crowd in my life. That's uh

But it was really nice man because I never went on vacations like that I didn't have a dad till I was six a step dad and he wasn't much into that shit You know, we did a couple things but nothing like that nothing from the heart nothing that was meant, you know, yeah So to me, this is a whole New fucking experience then we drove back someday stopped at the farmers market Yeah got some halibut for the week and some sea bass, you know some fruit and shit. So Yeah, you gotta try, you know Listen man when I first got married I made so many fucking mistakes

I sit here and I tell people that yeah, we had a problem over the kid don't talk to the kid for 14 years But there were other little things I did, you know, I was young and I didn't know I didn't I didn't fucking know Sometimes you're young and you just don't fucking know man. You just don't fucking know so I'm trying to make up for those mistakes now And if you're young and you're in a relationship or you have a kid and a wife, listen, that's a fucking tough one But you should have thought of that before you stuck your duck in the fucking girl and shallow loading that When you were doing that you were having a good time yucking it up breathing heavy Now you get a fucking kid and now you gotta

Cut it and sometimes you do good and sometimes you fail. I failed the first time I don't want to fail the second time, you know what I'm saying? So that's what this is all about. It's fucking monday cocksuckers I hope you're learning something break out that reefer take the alpha brain rub a little fucking juice on a pussy It's monday. What's that? Well, what's tony benner that you know what I'm saying? He was at the fucking house of blues Oh, shit. He was it was his birthday last weekend. My man. How old is he now? He's like 80 something my man from the palm hit me up anthony's spiral. I love you cocksuckers hit it Oh, shit To smoke this fucking number

With Lisa It's a beautiful fucking jam Little holy smoke on a monday. You gotta smoke this shit yesterday with my buddy Anthony bowmanos No, Dominic especially out drowned yesterday 30 years ago So like Was he the first one because you had like three or four over the span of a few months? Yeah, he was it was it was this kid Anthony bowmanos that got to a car accident first Okay

And he grade he died and then my mother died A year or two later a year and a half later And then a year later than that Dominic speciality drowned on the thc. Yes, I'm driving back on like it's august 4th Something fucking happened today And it was really august 3rd august 4th as we found out because there was no internet in those days It didn't make the paper till the 5th or something. So yeah So I always think of that very fucking sad, but it's monday. What are you gonna do people come people go you live your fucking life Tony Bennett's birthday. He did a concert uh friday night at the hollywood bowl with diana ross. Yeah

My wife said that by friday. She had already sold 16 000 fucking seeds diana ross and killed them I read the review yesterday. She fucking killed them killed them dog. They said her voice 69 years old People if you fucking take care of yourself, these motherfuckers are going out there My other buddy steve of willow and mike higgins called me yesterday. They were on their way to see black sabbath In dirty fucking jersey again two guys 30 years ago. We went to see sabbath And ozzy they're still hanging and tight these fucking savages. That's why I gotta love these motherfuckers always Besides that what else happened this week and uh Fucking interesting or something really bad. Oh, I got home yesterday. Yeah, and some bad motherfuckers part of

Part of the church family because that's what we are with family. There's no fans here. We're fucking a network of debt with family Email me and said poppy you made the fucking trailer. I didn't know what he was talking about my heart stopped I didn't know what he was talking about but I didn't know what he was talking about Because again belief is a motherfucker and the bottom line people don't give a fuck about belief out here And uh, I popped the trailer and there I was for the grudge match. They put me in the fucking trap I gotta tell you something guys I thought about You know, you even if you're 20 30 you've lived your life and sometimes you make mental notes

Sometimes in life you make little fucking mental notes, you know, and I remember Going to see taxi driver in the movie theater. Yeah I had to be a young kid 13 14 And it blew my fucking mind then a row. Have you seen a taxi driver? Of course No, you haven't I have with with him and the and killing people on doing the thing on the nights on the girl Who's the little girl in there? I know where I don't know the name jody forster. Oh, it is. Okay. Cocksucker. There's one I haven't seen him for a while. Come here. Let me kick you in the fucking midsection. So sell that

So, uh What are we talking about though about the trailer? Oh the fucking trailer. So It's funny. I seen the taxi driver right in the movie theater blew my fucking mind Yeah, and then years later. It was on tv. Yeah when I was a kid I'm one of those fucking abc channels where they dubbed it up. I remember going walk by that time I knew who deniro was a little more three years later by the time 15 or 16 I knew who deniro was like godfather 2 and all that shit now. I was really into him at that time Listen acting for me was like a dream that I would never conquer. I was I was never good enough, you know

I wasn't american But I had all these excuses all I was good at was basketball But I remember going Jesus fucking christ fucking look at this guy when he takes the gun out the end he shoots the guys They go and I'll kill you I'll kill you and he shoots them in the hand and you see a hole in the guy's hand All that shit's craziness But when I first Saw that I remember going wow if I ever did do it I wish it was with this fucking guy, you know like just just

And I saw that trailer yesterday. Do you want to play your part? I don't give a fuck It's just it's just one fucking line in the trailer. But it's just It's not even about the line or the thing. I made a fucking trailer with these guys guys ex-fellow Guys fucked up childhood whatever the fuck you want to call it with love with a ton of love around me and belief in balls We did this this ain't this ain't the end or be all this ain't a million dollars ain't hitting the lottery But this is like a personal belief thing that somewhere in the back of my crazy drugged up cocaine quailuded thieve in mind I had this little fucking belief that I could do a movie. I remember seeing commando

And the editor on commando was a guy by the name of john link. He also edited something else He edited a bunch of Of arnold movies. His name was john link. He edited commando. Check him out When I lived in snowmass village, colorado John link used to come and rent videos from me like a lot of other producers, but I became friends with john link in one fucking day John link brought arnold Into that fucking mall and I nearly fucking died and I didn't see him something fucking happened

But john link was my first ever thing that I met and then I saw michael douglas and then I saw what did he edit? He had a commando. Okay And uh above the uh, uh, steven cigar movie. Oh john link was a bad mother fuck What did he edit? Let me let me find him. What the fuck we Yeah, he was a bad motherfucker. Yeah, that's why it's funny because I I saw yesterday I actually tweeted it it got put on um, it got put on youtube yesterday and I had 10 000 views And guess it has 40 comments about 38 of them are joey diaz blue cheese with wings Fucking lucy snorubush the family and the family dog

And the only one that's not the only one that doesn't say, uh, like it's not about that stuff It's like who the fuck is joey diaz It's the only non joey diaz one motherfucker. So you know what? I don't care if you watch the trailer This is just us talking if you thought you can't do something Fuck that fucking thought motherfucker. You could do it out of the fuck. Look at this shit. Oh shit He did a lot of stuff. I wasn't in the fucking movie. I wasn't enough. I'm now. I'm in the fucking trailer the boot I didn't think I was lucky enough to get in the movie I do a podcast at six in the morning with a dude that calls himself the flying jew

What movies do you do? Uh, let's see. He did um, what was his last movie? I mean, he's dead Uh, his last movie was cherry falls in 2000. He did uh, I'm trying to find like well for me I I loved the mighty ducks, but he did uh diehard. He did commando. He did predator He did uh, let's see. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah, and this guy used to walk around with a wine cooler and shit with flip-flops Really? He used to talk to me all the time. His wife was english or something like that in snowmass village, colorado I'm captain video when I used to work at the store as a video clerk and that was the only belief I had He's like you could do it. Probably. I don't know. I'd say can't you call somebody and put me in the movies And he told me as an editor and I tell you what li I swear to my mother and know what the fucking editor was

So that's how fucking bad that was and let me tell you something else So I broke my fucking toe and that's all flying dandy, but again I always get signed to my buddy Einstein who called the podcast the 10th planet black belt. Yeah, he runs 10th planet cova city He broke his leg. Oh, yeah So last week out of the blue he calls me because hey dawg I need a big favor from me. I hate to bother you because he's such a good kid Einstein He goes, do you mind if I do you have any extra strong bone in the house? And I go, yes, I do. I have a half a container left

If you want it, I'll give it to you. He goes, all right. Let me Put some shit together. I'll take a ride up there. He couldn't come up Or something I couldn't find. I don't know what the fuck happened. I didn't see him when I broke my toe all weekend long I took the strong bone all weekend. It's hurt. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's a little broken toe hurts So I gotta go get the last shot in my knee for that gel around my knee, which didn't hurt last week This is the last one. That's it. I really did too. I could take one more today I'm gonna ask the orthopedic surgeons to look at my fucking foot the whole thing of this I I kept taking those strong bones and yeah, just because he said it to me

It was like a it's like a warning that I was gonna break something and I can't and I tell you this morning It's uncomfortable. It don't feel that bad. It bruised up Friday and saturday was the biggest bruising day But it all went down Sunday yesterday, I went to the the elliptical and I rode the bike just to work on my knee because I knew I couldn't work out today So the strong bone fucking works, you know this morning for breakfast, what I had I had the hemp force broke protein shake This weekend. Well, I take the Santa Barbara for snacks. I took the hemp force bars You know, I've been taking those tri-pack in the mornings. Maybe that's why I'm a little bit more fucking over Go to honor.com. Take a look at what they have to fucking offer you. You never know what they have

I know what the fuck they have and it's all good. There's some products. Maybe I don't use full time But the hemp protein that's a shake I had this morning with a banana I haven't farted and I farted one time when I came in it wasn't even that smelly The strong bone is helping my fucking foot forget about the fucking shroom tag with the sport with the with those mushrooms Those polycyclic mushrooms to give you more red. I fucking breathe. I took to my friend Salami yesterday He's 46 years old. He went to roll He said that everybody left and he stayed on the mat on the way home He remembered why he had so much energy because he took those fucking shroom tag my man Manny that you met from v-man

Up at the fucking thing on the john jog academy. I gave him some fucking shroom tag. He loves it I'll tell you what that fucking honor products. They're tremendous. Give it a goddamn shot Go to the fuck like I told you I don't I don't stand behind nothing. We don't believe in here I'm telling you I'm a fucking overweight old man, but I'm not in bad fucking shape And it's partly because of that fucking on it. Go to on it pick something I'll pick the try pack pick the excuse me pick the fucking The alpha brain take the hemp force chocolate bars try something If you haven't problems the energy at the gym, just try one content of the shroom tech sport

Just try it's a money back guarantee fucking try it go there pick it out put in the cart Put uh, what are you putting the church in the cart on top the little box get 10 off They put you on a thing for more specials. Plus you become fucking family do it today. You won't be goddamn Sorry, this is how I I gotta tell these people this shit because then they come up to me and shows joey There's the honor really work out. No, I'm telling you because it don't fucking work. Okay. I'm telling you because I'm taking the alpha brain I'm telling you that I'm not a savage with clothes on How about a little ice cube for these people more huffed up and puffed up of damn puffed up So beautiful motherfucking day, they'll be alive get out there smoke 50 fucking numbers

I don't give a fuck what you got to do Listen to the live podcast we're doing another one august 14th at the ice house Speaking of the herb Dean's fucking cool. He was a nice guy. He's a great guy man. I'm happy you guys. I told you hit it Lee Just waking up Uh No parking from the door. No small and mama cooked the breakfast with no home I got my girl phone, but didn't dig out finally got a call from a girl. I want to dig out I'm wiggle from the door

No, get up with the camera. It's monday Look at you with your sexy fucking red shirt on it screams suck my dick that shirt go Lee I got a camera. There's women watching Come on Lee, that's not a wiggle. Come on little wiggle shake them finish shake them shake them baby Shake them papa. Oh shit. You bad motherfucker. I can't believe today is a good day Who the fuck you kidding any day above six is a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You're breathing You're out there. You got the potential for fucking danger and action in your life As soon as you wake up in the morning potential for something good happen

You're gonna smoke this joint me. I'm gonna walk in this morning Um What's the haps on the crap shake them up shake them up shake them up shake them And Fucking bad to the bone that jam. This is when this motherfucker I'll tell you before he was doing bear all the early fucking this motherfucker was drawing some heat right there in your own neighborhood Where you go pick up the girl every week. Oh an Inglewood. That's right. It's all good an Inglewood Where you fucking nuts or

You can't wear red. You can't wear blue. No black. You can't wear white down there. She took me to uh The mexican supermarket l super that place was all like that place was off the chain They had crazy stuff there. Oh, they got lizards and animals and half a bear for sale They don't do a fuck god. They got mexicans. They just jumped over the fence the people stabbed them in shit Got a call coming in Is this my main little brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the full charge. Oh shit in full mother fucking effect first off

I heard that the show that you guys did this weekend was fucking just tremendous on a comedy level You berk christia and jerry rocha. Are you fucking kidding me? It was tons of fun, man, and uh, the audiences are great. Let's be honest. We were great. It was fantastic, man I loved it every second of it. Tell these motherfuckers who i'm on the phone with Yo, you're on the phone with my full strong. Who else come on, baby 645 every day. Come on, baby. Smoking them on shit like ice cuban fucking 91 What's up, baby comedy me and you what's been going on talk to me, man Dude, i've just been july was flow as alan. I've just been flumming around podcasting

And then uh this month i'm going nuts dude. I'm going I just did Irvine. I'm doing Wilmington, north carolina this weekend and i'm doing pittsburgh pa At the improv then i'm doing uh richmond virginia With berk christier again. I'm headlining one one day that week and i'm doing tempi arizona improv taping a cd in tecomo washington Uh September 7th. I need people to come out to that. You're a beautiful fucking man. Now you have your own podcast, right? Yeah, the full charge power out okay

I saw it on there. I've never listened to it But I saw it on there as a matter of fact I've downloaded a couple now for my next plane trip because I've always been a big fan of yours everything about you You're just a smooth little motherfucker. That's just now. Where you from originally I'm from southern maryland originally. No small town small town like laid back. You know, my dad is from bergen county, dude No shit Yeah, yeah, yeah That's a small fucking

All right You know every time I see you got this flavor You're one of the guys like every time I see I get happy like I get warm inside you give me a hug You just got that type of energy and you've always been cool. You're a fucking smooth pimp And i'm happy man that you know, I could tell you one thing in my heart and uh Whether you want to believe me mad or not. It's up to you. I've been here for I do believe you man because every time I see you I get happy as hell. I feel the love I've been here for 16 years man

I love seeing you joey and that's why i'm other 645 calling your ass because I love you I uh, I I've been here for 16 years and I gotta tell you something if you don't want to believe it Matt your number has been picked It's just a matter of time before the world knows where the fuck you are And I tell you this with all sincerity in my heart because you got all the tools since day one I've always been it's a I love but I'm always go. I wish I had what that guy fucking has You got this joe jackson mother fucking coolness to you You're like a cool motherfucker without a weapon. I mean I I've never seen somebody so cool without a weapon

Usually a cool motherfucker got a weapon on him. That's why i'm so fucking cool because I know shit's gonna get deep in this motherfucker But you're just uh a warm guy man You just fucked up because now i'm calling you every morning I don't give a Doug I tell motherfuckers how it is because it's true if I see it I see it I sat here for a long time and nobody would talk to me And now people talk to me a little bit But I never thought they would talk to me and I talk to you sometimes and you're in the same boat sometimes like you're right there

You're just knocking on the door some people have touched you with some great energy from daniel tosh to burt christian So you're right there. It's just a matter of time before comedy central puts you up there to be the fucking king so Thanks, man. You got that coming from your uncle joey and that's that's straight up from the fucking heart What else is cracking tell me something good you smoke any joints this weekend that your butt bang any chicks I don't smoke any joints. I haven't I had a couple beers. Okay last time. I had some even mess of marijuana. I think was like Shit april People at rogan came through town. I was working with sagura. We went to a couple ufc fights We had a couple edibles. Oh fucking exciting good very exciting

As long as you had a good time with joey. We get to walk in we get to walk into the arena or whatever with joe And then you know, we get to walk in celebrity status And then everybody was texting texting us pictures because me and tom sagura were in the background Of like a lot of the fights and everything. It was pretty chronic Well, I'm even into that ship. You know how it is once you get there You're like, oh dude kick his fucking ass. How good is the energy in one of those? I mean you've been to concerts and sporting events. How good is the energy in a ufc? It's almost you know, you think it's going to be disturbing. I'm not that violent of a person

I'm not into violence, but it's kind of amazing and it's just it is crazy and like the crowd goes nuts It's very uh, it's very primal and very uh, a roman empire if you will You know, that's a good fucking way of looking at you waiting for fucking russial krona got flying out with a sword And stab a bunch of motherfuckers Let's get some lions out there. Let's really give them a qualm You know, it's always surprising about the ufc's matt and I know that maybe you expect 20 fights outside the ring Yeah, I know because everyone's so fucking jacked. Everybody's jacked. They're all like, they're all they're all crazy Uh, they're just crazy jacked up guys. It's funny

And then rogan sent a smart comic all these guys these guys that are all yelling and screaming and and and on a Primal level then they go see rogan at the comedy show the next night and he's all intellectualized and coming with the smart Shit, it's kind of funny, man. It's kind of crazy How he's one of the smartest guys and then and then his audience is so like jacked up and ready to fight You know, what's crazy though when you talk to these guys that come to these shows these rogan shows After the show itself and you talk to them you find out these little this such They're pod heads That do something brilliant and you like really that's what you do for a living

So it kind of balances out We're crazy comedians joe's the smart one. I'm the savage But these people even the people who come to see me they're little guys with glasses They're nerdy guys, but they're fucking savages inside. They tie their women up. They piss on them They come in their fucking armpit. They're fucking nasty little motherfuckers with glasses on it. Don't matter You we all have that like you you're a fucking savage. I see you with the joe jackson outfit on but you're slinging dick Yeah, it's true. There It's true. It's amazing good

It's it's it's just so it's just so fun to be a part of all that shit. Now are they headlining you yet? Are they headlining you yet full time? Uh, you know, I'm kind of back and forth dude. I'm like, uh, I'm headlining some some smaller clubs And then you know the bigger the chains and stuff. I'm really not headlining. Let's be honest Okay, now you what have you done for comedy central? You're not gonna get a half hour or an hour I got a half hour special on comedy central. Okay, and how long ago was that? That came out, uh, 2011. Okay, that's the one I saw that I really laughed I think I contacted you on because you always make me laugh

You wanted a fucking few motherfuckers that makes me laugh just straight from the heart I knew it was recently, but I don't know and they haven't given you an hour yet No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm still working on a new hour It's been two years. I don't have a new hour yet And the time I'm working on it still and you have management and the whole thing you're taking care of in that division As far as what management and agencies and all that I got a manager. I don't got an agent, but you know, I got a manager Just uh trying to figure out the whole road thing and everything. Okay. Now. I'm uh, I'm working. When did you start comedy?

I'm working. When did you start comedy man? I started comedy in 98 July 98 what made you start Uh, I just like You know, I wanted to be a screenwriter and stuff when I used to be in bands and stuff and I kind of missed performing And I had just moved to la and I just I had realized I saw some people doing comedy at a coffee shop And I was like, I didn't even know people spoke to this shit And I'm like, I'm gonna I'm gonna give it a shot

And then I did it. I did it at the goddamn laugh factory first time But uh, I was I was hooked on the rush and everything And uh, yeah, I just wanted to do it tried it once and then I was kind of hooked I've never gone like more than a month without doing it. Were you scared the first time? Was there any fear? I was I was sick to my stomach man because I was waiting in line at the laugh factory, right? And this dude that has done it a million times. He's like, hey, you know We usually go up and I'm like fucking I'm like nowhere And he's like, dude, you gotta you gotta get some experience before you go up on this stage up here

You know, he's like you're applying for a job as a lawyer and you only have a high school diploma But I told all my friends that I was gonna do it So I kind of had to do it and I was so nervous. You wouldn't recognize me Joey. I was pacing back and forth Nervous not finishing sentences But uh, I got enough laughs, you know the laugh factory is easy to laugh Enough to give me hope, you know what I mean? And after that, that's it. You quit your job and you fucking chose his life of a crime fighter Yeah, I mean I kept the job for years and years and years, but

I abused the job, you know, I'd always be like testing them like yeah, I'm gonna go on the road Fire me if you have to but I'm going on the road and I just abused jobs like that for years They never actually fired me. Did you go to college man? Yeah, with the college at uh, university of maryland baltimore county And you got a degree I got a degree in visual arts, man Which is like pretty worthless and your parents what they say to you when you told them you're gonna try stand up They were pretty into it, you know

um Yeah, they didn't I was so young when I first tried it. They didn't really think much of it that it was uh, uh You know anything to worry about I had a job at the time They didn't think too much about it. I think they were pretty amused by it to be honest And what do they think about you today? What do they say to you when you talk to them? I think I think they're uh, pretty proud all the accomplishments and stuff, but I think you're kind of Uh, I think they kind of got a handle on how unstable it is to be like an artist and shit

So I think they're a little bit more worried a little less amused to be honest That's amazing. That's just amazing It's an amazing thing that we choose this and we stick with it knowing that you know It's not what makes us choose this and like you said it you're sick to your fucking stomach Before you go up before you go up you You got a human instinct not to go up there and that kind of doesn't go away You'll get a little nervous Or at least I do you'll get a little nervous beforehand

It's amazing that I still pee my pants before I go on stage I'm at full time just a little bit comes out of my dick just a little bit when I'm on stage The awesome days where you're like it hits you a little harder than usual And you're like, what is this my first time? What the fuck's wrong with it? You know, but it's like so weird because I'm scared and I and I still do it It's such a fucking it's so it's like knowing you're gonna go get scared of a horror movie But then it all goes away and it all moves so fast that you're like Jesus fucking christ. It's just I go this the plan some paranoid like my fly is down and then and then I think I'm like, uh, maybe I'm gonna uh

Like uh piss a little bit, you know what I mean? And then I'm like did I piss a little bit because they're caught on my pants Like all this shit's going through my head while I'm telling a stupid ass job No, all that shit goes through my head as they're introducing me Yeah, like as they're as they're saying, okay coming to the stage but right there I get this little urge that gotta pee like I gotta stop him and run and pee And then after that after I overcome that for a second, I realized that my ass is dirty Not that my the inside of my asshole. I forgot to wipe like that's what my mind tells me you gotta go wipe your ass

It's dirty You're gonna sweat and your ass is gonna sting and you won't be able to scratch it up there I always got it. I always got a shit before I go up yeah And and then like that's just weird. That's just weird like like uh Then you go on stage and then when you get off stage, you don't have to shit It's like a way it went right back in time Just stomach somehow

You know what that is, um I think that's fight or flight like you you want to like that's like an old instinct Like because that's exactly what your body thinks is gonna happen It thinks you're about to go up there and like fight Your body doesn't want to go up there. You know what I mean? So it either what it wants to shit out and be lighter or I don't know Thank god. I'm not a fucking fighter dawg because my ass would stink every fucking Thank god. I'm not a fighter because I have to pee. I mean, it's terrible. It's fucking terrible

I look at those fighters in the ufc and I'm like, man That is fucking crazy at that to walk down and people touch you And then you gotta open up your arms and you gotta I'm gonna ring barefoot and get all this fun guy on your foot and Then you yeah, not only do you have to like fight somebody get your ass kicked a little bit You got to do it in front of people So they still have the same stage fright and shit we have but then they got to take some physical abuse on top of it It must be such a fucking rush. It's such a rush

When you do something against your uh, again back to the fucking thing when you're out of your comfort zone if it's up to us We'd all swim in fucking five waters worth of we'd all swim five feet worth Deeper water. It'd be a couple of us, you know, we'd all want that safety net But life without that fucking safety net boy Is it I know I know it's weird somebody sent me an email last week joey. Can you uh, just do me a favor and get me fired up I'm moving and I'm kind of scared and at first I thought to myself Jesus Christ, you know, somebody needs to fucking move What kind of pussy is this guy that he needs help to move and I started thinking about it I thought about his words and I thought about I remember fucking uh

Moving to colorado for the first time and having like 800 miles in my pocket and going. What's the next that's scary Well, you can't sleep the first night in this nice hotel. You're like, all right. So now I'm in Denver What the fuck am I gonna do tomorrow? I got 800 miles is gonna last me a week and a half And you know, it's it's here Kids write me all the time on facebook and stuff. They want me to help them encourage You know, they want me to encourage them to move and stuff and I'm always like, what are you talking about if I move down here? No problem But then if I really think about it

It's a huge culture shock to move and I just went to new york last year And even at my age with my like stand-up resume and all my social skills and stand-up skills It was still like kind of traumatic just to go somewhere different And just not know everybody and stuff. So it is kind of and I read about it It's like it's kind of like a traumatic thing to move So but you just kind of know it's only a temporary thing and you're always going to be glad you went whether you stay or you go or whatever It's always worthwhile. That's my opinion. They went Hey, bro, you know, I used to have warrants. So I was always on the move

I know it was the fucking move, you know So you didn't need you didn't need anybody talking you into it. You knew you had to go I had inspiration jack somebody was always looking And it's amazing. That's what we call. That's what we call inspiration. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was uh And I think back now and I'm like, wow, I did all these moves. I came here coming here was fucking scary coming. Yeah Coming here wasn't a move I was too young and dumb to know the difference I was just like it was all exciting to me and I you know, I just drank through the whole thing

No, it was all good. This was uh, this was something to me that I never dreamed of coming here This was like the major leagues. Like I'll do comedy in Denver I may go to san francisco and do a weekend as a feature and mc, but I'll never be in la That's never gonna happen. So I won't even think about it. Yeah, and then stanhope talked me into it and I remember In the same thing In seattle, I I bumped into stanhope my first year in comedy in boulder, colorado the place called the brokerate And and in those days triple had

a tuesday Uh a thursday and a friday saturday So once you did the brokerate and you got thrown out on fucking to uh, wednesday morning You had to pick a night to stay somewhere I didn't do it for everybody. I did it for the cool comics. I let them stay over my house Yeah, and we kept in touch and then we lost touch and then he came back through again And then we hung out again and then I lost contact with him then I was in seattle when he won san francisco And then okay, he came up and did a weekend and he talked me into moving down. I stayed with him on his bunk beds and

Nice. Yes. Well, that's a good way. That's a good way to get in You know, if you're gonna move to la you and then you can do it via stanhope. That's pretty awesome. Yeah, I never forgot that that was always uh A great thing when you have that type encouragement, but man, you know, I I've seen you everywhere. You still do spots at the store Uh, yeah, I just got back in at the store, dude Someone showed tommy my half hour special for some reason he thought I wasn't really doing comedy or something And you know, it is over there. You can't really talk your way into it You just kind of got to like wait for something like that to happen

And uh, yeah, I'm back in the loop over there Good man. Listen, man, when we were Lee say hello, this is man. He's uh, he's one of like he's the producer of the show the flying jew Yeah, one of my little brothers last last night to this Edwin San Juan. Yeah, we were fucking around and we were talking about Who we wanted to be on and he mentioned he said he was a fan of yours and I had heard your name My three times I go, let's fucking get mad on I've always loved that Yeah, this is fucking awesome. Yeah, I love yeah, I love being on. No, no, no, you're my little brother You know, I know it's an early podcast

But you were a good fucking guy and I want oh, no, no now you're ready to go Now you go to breakfast and smoke a number and while you're coming back if there's a bar open You might as well stop in and get a bloody marry. Hey, it's monday. It's fucking monday. This is as good as it gets I never would have guessed and now I'm gonna feel better about myself Just I'm gonna get everything done by noon and then just go to bed Oh, yeah, yeah, one o'clock you watch the episode of castle I always put anybody to sleep fucking that show on anti anti And you're out till about six when everything gets kicking again, you know, I'm at the last factory tonight

So if you're not doing anything I'll be there by 9 20. It's latino night. I don't know. Where do you live madden alleywood? I live in alhambra right now, man. Oh, I can't I came back to la Without a place to stay but I just knew I had to get back to la because that's where all my hookups were, right And I ran into my web guy and I knew he had a guest house So I was like, dude, I'm renting your guest house and I'm so glad I did because I totally like picked his brain Uh to put my podcast up and now I got my podcast up and running and you now it is

I mean, that's like the the best thing going to have your own podcast and just fucking get your own Your own thing going so I totally lucked out Yeah, li and I have been doing this one for a year and uh It's been a great thing. I mean when we started the podcast leader and want to talk He was just going to sit there and help me out now He's one of the best co-host out there. He's a fucking savage. There's a little red shirt on he wiggles. Yeah He jumps up and down. We gotta meet in edibles and puking and shit. So He's the church, baby. You gotta get a man

It's the church. What's happening. But that's it my friend, uh Where you at in august break it down for these motherfuckers In august man. I'm in uh, I'm at the nut street comedy club in wilmington, north carolina I'm uh, I'm at the pittsburgh improv the next week august 15 through 18th I'm at richmond virginia funny bone the 21st to 25th Tempe improv with your boy josh wolf um last week of august and then to coma comedy club september 5th through 7th But come out on the 7th because i'm taping a cd and I want to see you for yourself

What's that you call uh You call you doing a cd for yourself Oh, yeah, doing a stand-up cd, man, and it's a label. It's a label or yourself. I'm doing all this What's that? It's a label or yourself Oh, dude. I'm just doing it myself. I'm doing everything myself and you're doing an itunes, correct? Uh, yeah itunes, you know get impressed do the whole thing So do me a favor once you put it out. Give me a call I'll see you before then you call up again and we talk about it and we fucking giggle and we laugh and

That's how we do it I love it, dude. I would love that matt. I love you to death. I appreciate you got up and called us this morning The year you're a fucking great kid. I wish you're all the luck in the world, man. I love you, buddy Have a great week. Lee throw him a kiss cock sucker. Bye, man Bye Lee That's a bad motherfucker there. I love that guy. Yeah, that's great. Let me give some shout outs real quick alex dyah Fucking mike curbie steve ramirez Derek thomas you bad motherfucker amir

Wait for dust ricky mano Randy villatin and amiel emilio garevra. I love you motherfuckers. You know what i'm saying? I'll tell you what Before you tell these people about hulu plus. I know that you watch one of the shows this weekend You know our boy fucking benjamin shot. He gave us a recommendation. This is a show on hulu plus called hard and heavy The cup zeppelin and pearl jam and all this shit. So if you're into it, I'm gonna watch it tonight on hulu plus to harden heavy Oh, cool. I'll check it out. What did you watch? What did you watch last night? Well hulu For my birthday, I went down to san diego and they had this party at a very nice hotel for a show called the awesomes

And I I decided to watch that last night, uh Because I was I was just I had watched everything I wanted to watch recently And it has a bunch of people I like in it. Uh the executive producer and star is seth miers They have bill hater and kenan thompson who I grew up watching in uh kenan and kill So kenan thompson is like Ah, have you ever seen kenan and kill with like who loves orange soda kill loves orange soda I used to dye that show but uh, it's a like an animated uh superhero show And it's it's just on hulu plus like they like a lot of people starting to do that now

Like a bunch of companies and hulu plus has a bunch of shows And it's like it's like a Like an anti superhero like he's like kind of like a nerdy kid who like takes over like from his father Who's like the best superhero? And they have two episodes out now. They have the pilot in the second episode and it's pretty cool It's the they're trying to do stuff to to uh mix it up and and they have a bunch of cool stuff So it's uh, they have a bunch of other shows out now Um, but the new one that I like it's called the awesomes and it's uh, it's a hulu plus and has like I said seth miers and bill

Hader and and keenan thompson and it's it's pretty cool. I'm happy. I'm fucking happy. You're a savage and shit So you go to hulu plus dot com. Here's the deal plain and fucking simple You go to hulu plus dot com you press joey into the box where you go to hulu plus dot com Or you go to joey the coca-dea or joey dears dot net Go to the fucking hulu plus com and press church in the box correct No, joey in the box just like that you get two free weeks of hulu's You can watch a little kevin and cal and the show animated You can watch hard and heavy if you don't like it after two weeks you go bye-bye, but you're gonna love it

You're gonna fucking love it and you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna lose your fucking mind Just like my wife did that they have seven nine nine a month. That's eight goddamn dollars You understand me eight dollars That's two dollars a week if you break it down to watch a bunch of shows Two dollars a week compare that to other prices out there and then you get back to me. That's what we do at the podcast I'm turning you on not only do you get hulu plus with us tell them what else we broke down from this dollar shave Break it down league. Oh shit. So you know more you got a fucking beard. You don't really shave that much I'm gonna start I have to I'm gonna start shaving now

Okay, because one of the one of the main reasons I didn't is because it's so fucking expensive It's fucking are you asking me last night like how much our razors because like I like that's a certain point My wife buys them so I combine the pussy razor with my face razor. I don't give a fuck Whatever she shaves a monkey with I shave my fucking face with So it's um I heard about it a while ago they When when when we found out about it, they sent us the youtube video, but I've seen the youtube video before it's huge That's uh, you know, you know the uh the the old spice commercial where it's like the guy

Like a lot of commercials are like that. So there's the guy. He's a young guy. They had a dollar shave club What they do is they had they make their own blades and their own razors because I even when I was shave I had the one that vibrated that didn't do anything when I spent 30 bucks on this one They send you Your own razor The they're like the handle for it and they send you a pack of razors every month. You change it every week And it comes to you like you don't have to think about it because I would always be the guy that you forget about and then You shave with adult razor. You don't have one and then you get ingrown fucking heads. It's a goddamn nightmare

So what these motherfuckers do is they say they send you four razors a month That's one a week. So you shave fucking every other day. You throw it away. You keep it fresh They send you some lotion, correct? Yeah after shave lotions What else a towel a little black guy hands you a fucking towel It's a tremendous deal. What break it down from me. All right, so uh, We just go try it out. You're gonna go to dollar shave club.com and dollar shave club.com forward slash church

Or you can go to joeyds.net and there's a dollar shave club banner and it just tried out It's uh, they like I signed up for it. They sent me they're sending me a handle razors They're a cream and they're towels and it's 19 dollars a month And like it's it comes to your door. You don't have to think about it because I always forget about it And then you have to go to the cvs and you can't just pick them up anymore You have to grab the guy to grab it and they never grab the right one So just try it out. It's dollar shave club.com forward slash church 19 a month

That's for something a fucking week You got a fresh new razor your face looks nice Not like mine all these fucking marks on my face are from the ingrown hairs over the years From not getting the fucking razors from spending money on the fucking coke and taking the razor up to chop up the fucking coke You don't have that problem or you sign up for uh, uh dollar shave club You should go to dollar shave club.com for four thousand eighty fucking cents You got a razor every week some lotions for your face. You smell nice You don't have to put all that fucking expensive stuff on your face. This is nice. These are all generic stuff

You're gonna love it trust me. I'm telling you don't fuck around to break it down for these cops Yeah, so just let's let's break it down. You're gonna be working out. You're on fucking on it You're doing the alpha brain while you're taking your alpha brain You're watching the awesomes on hulu plus and after that you're gonna shave with dollar shave club And your morning started and if you're Puerto Rican you can shave with one razor for two weeks Save the fuck Back it up. You follow I'm saying that's how Puerto Ricans do it. That's how I would do it What are you talking about and jews also I gave some shout outs

But there's a sexy little freak michelle carrey you bad motherfucker you you know what i'm saying? That's how we're doing. It's monday august. What is it? Fifth? I think fifth. You dirty motherfucker. What is it? You and your wife were saying something to me yesterday I thought about it because you said you stopped at a mcdonald's to get like the like the egg white egg white for breakfast I did something and I'm fine doing it But I realized how stupid we talked on the live podcast about denny's and it's kind of gross for regular food But for breakfast, it's good. I went to brunch this weekend with the girl I don't understand like it doesn't make sense to go anywhere

But like a place like that like we went to like one of these places on ventura that had like a 30 minute wait And it cost like 36 bucks and then we went to dinner that night and spent the same like How come eggs cost the same amount of dinner and I'm like, why did I go somewhere nice for breakfast? There's all these fucking places on sunset. There's one place that yeah, the food's great If you wait online for breakfast Guess what? You're a fucking dumb fucking communist. You're a fucking dumb communist You ever go to those places on sunday and you see all these fucking young people outside of the place like oh my god Really, you're gonna wait 30 minutes to eat fucking eggs and potatoes just to be cool

You dumb motherfucker, but there's a greek somewhere that makes eggs and butter beautiful chopped potatoes up and fuck all that Good job. Oh eggs with jarred naysauce. Guess what eggs weren't supposed to have jarred naysauce on it. You fucking faggot Get your shit together. Don't wait online for breakfast. You fucking morons. That's against the church You're waiting online in the morning that they're programming you to be a fucking commie cocksucker a sheep a follower If you're with the fucking church, if you're with the family, you ain't a sheep or a fucking follower You're a leader you motherfucker. We don't wait in line for fucking eggs. I don't wait in line for food I just don't I don't have fucking time for it if I gotta wait online for fucking food You're a fucking moron man like waiting there like oh my god

It's so cool to eat your breakfast really for two fucking eggs eggs. Listen. I used to go to no-hold diner Yeah, I love the place we've gone there a couple times, but I'm gonna pay 20 dollars for breakfast for myself Yeah, why why don't make fucking sense? I don't care if you're a millionaire. I don't care if you make money You don't make money. It's two fucking eggs two pieces of bacon some potatoes and two pieces of fucking toast And maybe a little bowl oatmeal Denny's has got a great deal that grand slam whatever the fuck this four bucks It's four bucks, but you're eating fucking some sheep's fucking ass bacon. That's light and shit. It tastes funny You burp until 12 o'clock. I don't need that fucking aggravation in my life

Even if you sit at home, you get two spritz strips of bacon at two points You get that fucking oscar mayer the thick cut bacon from the back with two fucking eggs It's all this but if you're waiting online in the morning for shit What is the rest of your day gonna be like take that to the fuck? It's monday It's the church of what's happening now. Who loves you more than me? We gave you dollar shave club You got hulu you got on it and guess what else you got today a fucking pair of balls So go out there and stick them in somebody's fucking mouth august 14th and august 28th Myself and lisa yad are doing a live get it live

We guest podcast at the ice house tickets are 10 bucks on a wednesday night You're gonna sit there six to six five seven seven eighteen ninety four august 22nd through the 24th mrs. Obama shaved that pussy and put the barry white records on i'm coming for you sexy motherfucker dc improv get your tickets now And then we're doing a live podcast september 26th up at the portland oregon Healing and myself lisa yad and we're trying to get my main man pat healy where i love it all my heart that bad Mother fucker and that's it. It's monday august 5th if you got to do it You got to fucking do it get out there sling some dick and put that ball sack in somebody's fucking mouth today

They're paying for you to get up you bad motherfuckers hit it lee i love you We're gonna leave you with some fucking lead zeppelin since i've been loving you you bad motherfuckers get up Get that joint go tell the boys you're going outside to get your head together smoke that half a dude You got in the car hit that fucking cigarette hit a fucking bonacro a denteen and you go back in there like a soldier and breathe on the bitch Have a good day method the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus Hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. That's why i pray for dusk. I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry Anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus comm slash joey Or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner also Don't forget to sign up for your free. Uh, don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com You'll get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail I love these guys joey love these guys and you will too now go to dollar shave club dot com Forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shave club banner And if you're a lady sign up for dollar shave club, but don't shave it completely the little strips over the tonk of land And you're fucking click you know what i'm saying you like a little bit

I like hearing that fucking monkey I Have a great day mother fuckers the church Oh Hey To the level here Hey I don't think that's right

I've really been the best the best of food I give what i'm cool I'm going to love you baby. I will love you darling. I will love you baby my love