Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 08/12/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #104

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

Joey and Lee solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a discount. Hulu Plus. Vist huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit dollarshaveclub.com/church for the most innexpensive and coolest way to shave. Recorded live on 08/07/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And buy dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. We're back. Monday, August 12th. The first day of your fucking life. Get up, brush your teeth, do some jumping jacks. Maybe a sit-up. Maybe a rollover. Do something.

Oh shit, Lisa. Yeah, you bad motherfucking you. Sitting there all fucking mesmerized. Led Zeppelin. The song remains the same. Off the fucking houses of the Holy Alps. Making it happen for you. Oh shit. Look at Lee jumping up and down. All fucking excited today. Hiddily. Here you go. Here you go. Here's the wrath of fucking God right here. Smoke that number. Get that coffee ready. Put your socks on. It's going to be a beautiful fucking day. Eat a gummy bear. Eat a gummy. You got any left? That's my boy. All right, turn that shit off. What's happening, Lisa? I feel great, man. What's happening? Beautiful people. Hope you had a great fucking weekend. The church of what's happening now.

It's in full motherfucking effect. What's happening, baby? I feel great. I went, I took a page out of your book. I went to bed at 10.30 last night. Come on though. I had to because I was waking up this early and I just, I would normally stay up till two. Like when we used to do it when I was working nights, I wouldn't sleep and I would sleep all day, but I can't do that anymore. So. Can't do that. You're a married man now. You got bitches. I'm married man. She comes up on Friday. She does your laundry. She smacks your laundry. Do my laundry. I like it. Oh shit. You savage. You guys sit together over here naked eating grapes. You just You said that in front of your wife yesterday. So what? You still haven't gotten your fucking robe

yet? I'm not going to get a robe. You sit out there. My dad had a robe. That's, I can't do it. You sit out there like a fucking scrooge. How do you eat your cheese and crackers? I don't, who eats cheese and crackers? I don't fucking know. What do you eat out there when you're with or watching TV? I don't know. Whatever. I don't, not cheese and crackers. I don't cater the events. What do you have for snacks? What do you have for snacks after you give her the high hard one? You tell her you love her. You're sitting on the couch watching the movie. What the fuck do you do? I don't know. I, I, she likes, she likes yogurt and cantaloupe. I get her that every week. Okay. Um, we got ice cream the other day. I don't know. Nothing, nothing too crazy.

You don't feel like little grapes in the mouth and shit. Remember your little helmet then put them in the mouth and shit your little pink teeth. Somehow I don't think she liked that. Let me tell you something. I'm happy. I'm fucking really happy. I'm out of those goomy bits. Yeah. Like I ain't fucking a ton of them. There was one point, I think it was Thursday, I was so fucked up that day time off those ass goomy bits. Los ombroids. What is it? Those goomy mullos. Goomies or mullos. Those goomies or mullos. Those guys do not fuck around. I don't know what they got. They left a machine here with potnip and fucking carbine monoxide. As they were filling it up, I'm like those guys, like, because I was looking

at, I was looking at, but I was looking at you. I was like, he's never gonna fill that up. They were like a whole system and like they were injecting it with hash or I'm like, they don't fuck around. Joe is never gonna do that. No, I can't. Once I got to start taking it out and putting it on shit, that's where the party ends. I don't have the aptitude. You know, people always give me oil to take this and put it. It's a fucking mess. You got all over your fingers, all over your paperwork. I don't like that shit on my tape. I don't even like a bunch of this little pipe they made me. Yeah. And I always tips over. Always fucking tips over. So I got little granules of marijuana all over the fucking house. I can't, I can't have it. I don't like it. Can't have it. But I saw your

daughter again yesterday. She's, and she, uh, for people who don't know, you taught her a little track and you told her to talk about it, like un besito or whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's a kiss. Yeah. And she, and your wife did it to me like four times and as you started grabbing my finger and it's, she's getting really cute. It's a sweet kid. I'm very fortunate that my wife is sweet and the sweetness rolls down. I could get nothing from me, but being a fucking cocksucker. Yeah, she does. You were, you were doing this thing this other week where she was like a little bit like your wife went to the bathroom and you started doing this like drum solo for her. And yesterday you just started like, she came in and did like this flying kiss to you like 18 times.

Oh yeah. We fuck around. I got her on the program. You got this. You're gonna have a kid around. They gotta give you some satisfaction somewhere along the way. She's never gonna, like, I mean, she'll see you get mad, but like, she'll never like, people like, will see her and be like, Oh, Joey Diaz is your father. Is he crazy? And she'll be like, he plays drums and we watch SpongeBob and he kisses me. He's a cute kid. He's a teddy bear. She knows I'm out of my fucking mind. That's what, that's what they like. They like it. You know, anybody could be normal around the kid, but when they think you're out of your fucking tits, they go fucking nuts. Kids love it. You know, I remember when I was a kid,

I hung out with people who I knew were crazy. I loved it. I loved it. They're not like normal people. There's people that want to be normal. There's people that are fucking crazy. People who don't like kids piss me off. Like that guy last night, who kept telling you to move the kid. He just didn't want to get a little baby near him. I was like, fuck you. I don't even know why my wife even read. I don't even talk. When those dumb motherfuckers say something at those coffee shops, I don't even fucking say nothing. I just keep the fuck, just shut the fuck up. It's amazing how many people always got to stick their two cents in, you know, and there's so many people. First off, I'm deaf. Yeah. So listen,

50% of the time, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. If you end up in my face and you talk, hey, whoa, whoa, yeah, whatever. Get the fuck out of here. Your dad was talking to somebody on the phone at the farmers market. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. We had a 20 minute conversation. I just kept asking them the day. I don't know what the fuck he's thinking right now. I don't know what the fuck, you know, I don't understand. You know, I'm high, 65 fucking percent of the time. Deep high. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. How many times I see people like, dog, I see you the other day and you didn't say nothing. Dog, I didn't know what was fucking you. I didn't even know it was you. And to be honest with you, you don't come over and

say, I don't even give a fuck. I'm sitting there trying to write a joke or trying to write a book or whatever the fuck we're trying to do. Yeah. And that, you know, that place, what bothered me was there was nobody there. Yeah, it was empty. It was seven o'clock at night. And we go over and he's like, hey, somebody might smoke a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. And then my wife was the one that went, well, it's okay. Well, what do you even talk to her? Just wave and smile and they'll go the fuck away. They know what you wave and give them that look. They won't fucking say nothing to you. I do it all the time. I don't know what the fuck I swear to God. You think I'm kidding. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about, especially around

half the time. I just give them some different answers. They look at me like, what the fuck did he say? Really? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck people want half the time. I don't even know what the fuck they're saying. You think I'm kidding you. I don't know. There's times people say, I don't know what the fuck they're saying. I just sit there and smile. Because what am I going to do? Tell them I'm going to get them all started and then they start. Let me tell you what happened many of that. Wednesday or Thursday morning, I almost killed my wife and the fucking baby. Because I took the baby to the park. I took her on the swing. We're playing on the swing. I take her off the swing and we go watch the people play tennis and I walk around with her. Then I always

put her back on the swing. For some reason she started crying. She was hungry and maybe a diaper. I took her out and while I was pushing her, a black lady who was very sweet with her daughter walks past me. And she goes, oh, the baby's crying. Look. And as I'm walking back with her, well, that lady's me stomping. It's agitated my daughter even more. Oh, really? All right. She's wanting to get home? Yes, she just wants to get home. I'm walking and the lady catches up to me after she drops off her kid. She's like, maybe I can help. I go, no, not really. Let me take her out. She goes, well, maybe take her. I check her diaper. I check the diaper. I tried to give her the bottle. She was just physically upset. This fucking lady is like, let me grab. I go, listen,

lady. I know my daughter. Forget about it. Let me fucking do this. No, no, no. I'm a mom. I go, listen, lady, just give me five minutes. No, this lady keeps talking to me. This baby's screaming. I'm like, fucking it. Finally, I just walk away from the lady. I put the lady back in the car seat and I'm crossing. I'm crossing by the fire department. There are people by the fire department that are like, hey, what's going on in the back alone? She's having a bad moment. They wave. The one guy who knows me comes to the comedy shows. I left. I walk up as I'm ready across the street. This kid's still fucking crying. I'm losing my mind. I take her out of the car seat and I'm pushing the carriage and I'm just walking with her. I'm trying to calm it down. But the black lady and

people asking questions, finally we get this thing and I see this fucking guy with a hat with a girl, a little girl. And he walks up to me and he's like, is the baby okay? And I look at him. By this point, I'm ready to shoot myself in the fucking head. But everybody's got to be a good fucking Samaritan. This guy's like, is the baby okay? I look at him and I go, yeah, she's just having a little situation. This motherfucker starts going into Father Knows Best. You know, I have a little baby girl at the house. Maybe you should take a rock. And I look at him and I go, mind your fucking business. I just kept walking. And he was in front of his daughter. Because everybody has always got to fucking say something. Don't say fucking nothing. I don't

know. When your kid's crying and you're fucking it, it's like people when it's like the other day I went to eat at somebody's house and the baby was crying. And I'm like, we got to go. And this guy goes into a fucking story. The baby's crying. Conversations over. What the fuck are you talking? It's like when somebody, it's like when I see my wife and she's on the phone with her mother and the baby starts crying, they're still talking through it. I'm like, no, put the fucking phone down. Because if I'm on the other side of that baby's crying, I'm hanging the fuck up on it. I can't hear you. I don't want to hear no baby fucking crying or fucking cell phone. You can hear it in the background like that. Yeah, you know, fuck that shit. Same way. I don't, you know,

nobody wants to hear a fucking baby cry. Keep fucking walking. Why would you stop me when I'm holding the baby? She's going into a tantrum. And all of a sudden you want to be fucking marked as well be. All of a sudden you want to be, and he's asking me these dumb fucking questions. I mean, dumb fucking questions about, uh, did, did she get vaccinated? Like shit like that. It's like, hey, what the fuck? Baby's crying. What the fuck? Go the fuck away. Do you think, if you had a baby, you dumb fuck, and your baby's crying, do you want somebody fucking playing Jeopardy? Asking you fucking questions. I mean, that's, that's probably the point of it. You know, everybody's all those guys, just mind your fucking business. What are you bothering me for?

Where's Tony Bennett this morning? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get out there, write your goals, drink some orange juice. If you want to do something that starts today, motherfuckers, today is when the dream starts all over again. Maybe you didn't fucking do something last week. Maybe you had a bad week. Maybe you weren't focused. It starts today. What's happening Lisa yet? Oh shit. Oh shit. There you go. Now we're talking. When you should play, you should pay someone to follow you around to just play the song whenever you start getting upset. Whenever someone is asking you why your baby's crying, just I want to be around. You can calm down. I'm getting upset. Did you eat a pretzel yet? No, I didn't. I'll eat them during the show.

Why are you talking over Tony Bennett? Why are you asking me questions? I have national questions. Yeah, don't come away from that. That's all you need to do. What's the last time you smoked some good fucking high quality grass? About 14 minutes ago. I smoked some more cups, so that's a year problem. That mystery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. I'm gonna put my face hand out of the fire with you. I want to burn his finger. For people who don't know, Joey smokes the joints until like beyond roaches and he doesn't use a roach clip or anything, which is fine. But then he gives it to me when it's all dead and he tries to get me to put my face next to fire with him. Like that's

gonna turn out well. I try to get my flame in your nose. Do you want fire? Do you want fire? Do you want fat man alert? Fat man alert and shit. I lost fucking four pounds. That's great. Yeah, three or four and a half or something. That's awesome. Is it jujitsu, do you think? Right, they went to two jujitsu's and I did three or four epilepticals last week, 40 minute sessions. Nice. You know, I love fucking my weight. I like counting the points. It's easier for me in my head. You know, I did some protein shakes instead of meals. You know, it's little things. Plus, I'm not flying that water I'm retainer. That's why I don't even have my wedding band. Why? Because it flies the fuck off. Oh, really? Yeah, it flies off my finger. Well, I don't fly

all those weeks. Oh, you get a fly. You retain a bunch of fucking water. Really? When I fly, my ankles get fat. Like that's why when I exercise, I walk every hour on the plane. I don't do all that shit. You know what? You're fine. That's bad for your circulation. You know, there's radiation of those fucking flights. I didn't know that. Why do you believe that? Like, why do you choose to believe like the radiation and walking or like the radiation don't bother. I'm gonna fuck about the radiation. It's the circulation up in the air. Your ankles get fat. When you're heavy, it's not. That's why I know what heavy people go through when they fly. It's very fucking hard, you know, on your body. It's very hard on a normal person when you fly. We just don't notice it.

That's why I don't plan nothing after I fly. I fucked that shit. I don't want to do dick. I've never noticed that. I'll have to look and see that. Especially on those long coast to coast flights. You got to be prepared for those. You got to drink dehydrate, drink a lot of water. Yeah. You know, maybe I take a little heart medication to thin out my blood up there. Maybe there's a thousand things I do. I get up every, you know, 25 minutes every 30 minutes if it's a long flight and walk around. I stand in front of the cabin, fuck around my legs a little bit. Fuck you. Rub some circulation in your leg. You got to drink a lot of, that's why you can't drink alcohol on a flight. You got to be careful on fucking flights, man. You know, especially when

I fly every week, when I have like a six week roll or something. And you have a couple long ones coming up. Oh man, I fucking fly. You know, I'm going straight. I'm going straight to like September 18th or something. Yeah, even later because we got a portal in like the last week of September. I'm going straight like seven weeks in a row or something like that. Having like a death squad convention, a bunch of people meeting. Yeah. September 5th. I'm out of fucking town. Oh, that sucks. I don't come back till that Sunday or something like that. Yeah. So we're out. We're gone, dog. Hey, you know, we're working. What are you gonna do? I got time. If I want to jump up and down, I got a hat with a fucking propeller on it and get a skateboard and go

up and down, channeling, waving people. I ain't got that type of time. You know what I'm saying? I got that type of time where you got to fucking, you know, you got to work. Absolutely. I was watching something that I wanted to know what you thought about it. We talked about sports every once in a while. And do you know who Clay Matthews is? He's like a really big linebacker. He used to, yeah, the blonde guy. Yeah. And he was sitting there having this interview with this lady reporter. I was thinking like, he was like being all articulate and talking about what they have to do for the upcoming season. And I was like, why do people, he's a monster. Like they were showing him working out and him like hitting people. And I'm like,

he's a monster. And like, why do people want him to do that? And then also come off the field and be able to like be articulate and like not say things to piss people off. Like, why, like, why, like, why can't he just be like a fucking monster that he is and hit tackle people and then be that off like, why, like, why does it have to be both like the same thing? Like for you, like they expect comics to make people laugh. But then if you say something weird, like something that people find offensive, they get all mad and they want you fired. And it doesn't, they can't have, they want both. And it pisses me off.

Well, listen, man, people's expectations are the thing. When you go and you play sports or something like that for a professional organization, you have to sign contracts. Like UFC fighters have to sign contracts for conduct, conduct off the fucking field. That's big in the NFL. That's big in the NBA. That's big in all those things. I mean, you don't want a guy coming on. Oh, fuck you motherfuckers. Next Sunday, I'm going to kill all you. I'm going to take your spine out and shove up your head. I love it. A lot of people up, but then it becomes professional wrestling. Yeah. You know, the sport becomes professional wrestling. I knew one thing about comedy, that as a comic, if you judge me on my stage persona, whatever the fuck, which I

really don't have a stage persona, it's all the same. I don't give a fuck. You wouldn't like me. But if you got to see my world, you maybe think I was okay. And I feel like that about a lot of comics and a lot of people in sports, that that's why I love Mad Flavor's world. That's why Mad Flavor's world worked because it showed my week from during the week, something I wanted people to see. You know, there's a big Miss Norman and I'm out every week doing that. I don't know, but that's been since day one, but what people's thoughts are of you, what their illusion is of you. You know, for years, even when I was doing blow, I wasn't doing blow in the daytime. I was at home watching TV playing with the cats, you know, whatever. But people have these illusions of you.

And the NFL claimed Matthew's an intelligent guy. Oh, no, he is. You know, he is. What do you want to come out and talk like a fucking dummy? So I don't want to talk like that. But I don't like it that if they talk, if they're like that, that's great. But I don't like that. It's required now. Like people come out and they have to talk like they're like a professor, but then they can go on the field and go kill people. Fuck. Fuck. I give a fuck. Matthew's in this bullshit. What do I give a fuck? What do I claim Matthew's got? All this shit. It's over. You know what I'm excited about football season to a degree because now there's something to do for people on Sundays. Yeah. Well, that's for you. You're not going to watch. No, I want 10 seconds. What do I give a

fuck about Clay Matthews and what he's got to say off the field? That's my point, though. Yeah. What's your point? And who cares what he has to say? Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna go play football. Yeah, go play football and tackle people and bite them in the fucking neck. It's funny how I was watching something about three or four weeks ago when they said something about it that just fucked my mind up. They were talking about pain. A lot of people, you don't really know what pain does to you. It's like when you go work out. I was talking to a CrossFit guy about a month ago and he was saying that he likes this CrossFit stuff. A lot of people don't like working out. You don't like working out. They just think it's boring or whatever. They don't like the feeling

the next day. But for me, working out does something different. For everybody, it does something different. I would love to be skinny from working out, but for me, it breaks down a joke in my mind. It just gives me an hour to myself. That's why I tell people exercises. That's why when I exercise, I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't want to exercise with partners. It's my hour. I don't even want my cell phone on me. I don't take my cell phone into Jitsu. I don't take my cell phone into kickbox. I don't take my cell phone into the YMCA. It's my fucking hour. It's my hour to digest the bullshit that goes into your fucking ear because a lot of bullshit goes into you. Let me think about it. When somebody comes to you and says, I have an idea,

and this is the time. This is my hour. For some people, I know Jiu Jitsu is fucking hard. Jiu Jitsu is hard when you're 25. I'm dying when I'm in there at 50. But I know there's a result. I know there's an end result. So they always say that the big expression in this country is no pain, no gain. But then there's different pain. That's the pain of frustration, of death. Somebody dying. But in this statement, he said that you took pain and you used it to get to the next level. And pain always does make you go to the next fucking level. I was very frustrated last week. There was a couple of days, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I was fucking, my inner dialogue was frustrated. I'm not writing. I was looking for that program to write the book.

My toe was broken. I couldn't work out to the ability. For three weeks, I drove to Marina Del Rey to get a needle in my knee to make my knee feel better. And now I break my fucking toe. So do you understand me? I wasn't going to Jiu Jitsu. When I do go to Jiu Jitsu, my breathing's off. And it's funny, yesterday, I knew I was going to go to the open mat yesterday from one to two. And Saturday night, Stephen Keppling, one of the guests we had on the podcast, sent out an email speaking about breathing and how important it is. And the problems are beginning Jiu Jitsu because you go into stress, you stress out because you can't breathe. So you go into breath depth. And now you all breath and you're not breathing, you're catching up and you're going to tap out

because you can't catch up. And that's what was my problem. So I always do this thing. He talks about not hyperextending, but going into a state of hyper-activating your lungs, like why you can't breathe and you're almost to the sense of passing out, then it becomes easy. And I've been doing that for weeks. I just get on my back in shrimp row until I can't breathe no more until I see stars. And I walk around like I'm going to walk through the door to leave because that's the pain I'm getting. But once I go through that, I know that the rest of the hour is easy. You know what I'm saying? Like I know that the other hour is easy, but that's not the point. The point is was sometimes you go through something. You don't think you deserve it, whether it's a death. You know, I got

stronger in so many fucking ways. I got stronger after my mother died. I got stronger after I didn't make it to the basketball team when they caught me and I had to make a decision that basketball wasn't going to be my future anymore. You get stronger when you get disappointment. And that makes you a little focused sometimes, you know, and you need that. And people think that it's the end of the world and it's not. Sometimes when you're having your roughest fucking week, there's a cloud to this. You're just going through a cloud and that cloud's going to pass. The sunlight's going to be there. You're going to be that much fucking stronger. You know, every time I go on stage and I bomb, it's bad fucking news. But I become stronger because of the pain and the

embarrassment that you fucking go through, you know, on the ride home, you're like, what the fuck just happened? You know what just happened? I went up there to a cocky. I didn't do this joke in the beginning. I giggled in the beginning. I did this and all of a sudden you learn from it. So for some people, they get very disappointed. I like to pick up my balls two days later and go, I'm happy this happened. You know, the biggest strength I got was when I got divorced. The biggest strength I got was when I walked away from Jacqueline, knowing that I was going to have this pain, but I was going to make this pain work for me. I was going to go do comedy. I'm not going to come back until I do something with my life. And I'll suffer in the meantime of not having

contact or not living in Boulder with my daughter. But the pain will drive me to become a better person, which it did. Sometimes I blame me being a loser for staying here and continually doing comedy. You know, it was a pain of going back. You know, sometimes, you know, I always joke around that, you know, I had nowhere to go. So I stayed here in town and did spots and today we're here fucking around and I'm an established comedian and I'm good at what I do because I stuck with it. But I stuck with it because of the pain of going back. So pain is good that that was the topic. It's funny because I got an email last week. I always got a ton of emails. I get great emails and I get a lot of emails, hey, what's up? But you're not high by two o'clock. But I also get emails about people

going through pain. And I always tell them, you know, whatever you're going through, bro, it's going to make you three times stronger. You're going to see the playing field that much more clearer because you went through this fucking pain. You know, so just work with it. Just work with it. I'm walking with this fucking pain in my toe. It's not pain. It's general pain. It's not the pain you go through from getting dumped or from loving somebody and they say they don't want to spend their life with you. We've all gone through that, you know, and it makes you tougher. You know, I was done with pussy in the sixth grade after that. I got less back, you know what I'm saying? But still, it's so weird how I get a lot of emails, man, it fucking kills

me that I wish a politician can help. What's going on with America today and what goes on when you're 20 and when you're 22, the confusion that goes on. Nobody can help you, but fucking you. You know, when we talk about your student loans and colleges and jobs. And let me tell you something, guys, you know, just because your job ain't working for you today, it doesn't mean that that's the job you got to stick it out with. It's a job, which means you keep moving until you find what you want to do. Do you know I did everything? Right? You know I did everything. Yeah. From martining to roofing to I must have been a manager training at 80 fucking different organizations from lumber yards to shoes to to to what's the foot locker and you know, as a manager training a foot locker.

Yeah. At the mall that you were stalling credit cards stalling credit cards. So you know, people get discouraged. Oh man, I hate my fucking job dog. I had 90 fucking jobs. I was worse than Lee. If something pissed me off, I was in that fucking. I was in that one. That's the next night. And I know how to get a job. I'm like you, we know how to get a job. Get in there, send the fucking call email, get yourself in front of the people, get in there, talk, and hopefully you go for three of those. You'll get one of them. That's it. That's all interviews are. And it's really it's starting to my it's a little bit different because people think I leave jobs. I'm not leaving it just shows job ends. I'm sorry. Well, no, no, but I have quit a couple jobs. But that's I'm starting to realize

what I went to school for isn't really what I want to do. And it kind of is because I'm doing some of that stuff. You have the country, you would have to fucking country, but they all student loans and now they're stuck. Yeah. And that's the beginning of fucking enough healthy living like right there. As soon as you fucking get into a hole, that's it. Yeah. Get into a hole emotionally, physically, like, Oh, that's my job. I can't quit. I owe a mortgage. I got to take that boss's bullshit because what I'm how who's going to feed my kids, you know, that's the beginning of fucking death. You know, but people tell you all the time, Ah, there's no jobs out there. There's fucking jobs. We got to create your own position. Yeah. You know, you create a

fucking different position every two weeks. You always always doing something here with doing something there. Well, you know, yeah, just an amazing fucking thing. So, you know, if you have a bad job, just do it one fucking thing. Somebody sent me an email said that, you know, you hit it right in the head when you said if you have a dream, it makes your job go by easier. It really does. If you have a dream, you're like, fuck, sucking this guy's asshole for $8 ain't as bad as it ain't as bad as it is because of the year I'll be a country is Western saying I'll be living in Nashville. You know what I'm saying? So when you dig a trench, you like, fuck it, this is just temporary. Yeah, I'm only doing this today, tomorrow to be living my fucking dream. And that

makes the job go by easier. I didn't have a dream of being a comedian. I just had a dream of I'd have to work. Yeah, you know, that was the dream I wanted. And you got to be careful what you dream for. I have I have anxiety gives me anxiety sitting around all fucking days, sometimes writing jokes and babysitting. I should be doing something I should be building a house or working at a fucking library, giving out books or something like that. But it's really weird. The things that we think are paying the air so we could just move on. You're the king of it. I've never seen somebody who doesn't take no shit. I when I first came out here, I did and I just these jobs and not just this industry but from the one I'm going through it's this industry.

When you first when you start out anything you take more shit than you should and I'm starting to realize that I it's not worth it for like for me to be happy is worth more than a little bit of money every week. So I'd rather make a third of what like a third less, and like by taking unemployment or whatever, than having to deal with the bullshit that I'm going through sometimes. So but you have to make a decision. I mean, some of the nicest things people have said to me because I met this one guy, I think it was either in Brea or Irvine when you did it. And he said, I work at a warehouse and he lives boxes for like 12 hours a day. He said, I listen to it all day every day. And I'm like that. Like sometimes you just have to go through it

and like push through it and like to know that like people listen to this when they're working the shitty jobs. I mean, it feels awesome. Like he worked like I couldn't imagine working in a warehouse for an hour. Like it like I couldn't do it. Like I just lifting boxes all day every day. I did it. I loved it. You loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved but I did it correctly. I was a stock clerk at a Mazback Century Hardware Warehouse. Okay. Well, they send out a hardware different stores, you know, this is not now. I don't even think they exist now. But I remember they used to have chains like chains like dog chains with big thick chains. Yeah. They come in a box. Okay. And you had to carry those things and people hated doing the chains. I love doing

the chains. When I was 18, when I was in high school, I'd go in there and do chains. And I was the type of person that always created my own jobs. I didn't like I hate fucking somebody telling me what to do. You give me a job, Lee, like you're assistant, you give me a job. There's days I'll come in and I'll move that thing, sweep it, take all the books out, put them in alphabetical order. I'm one of those idiots. Because I know it kills eight hours. Yeah. I know that if I'm stoned, it really doesn't matter what I'm doing. When you're stoned, it makes the time go by that much easier. When you smoke a joint, you go into it. But see, now everybody's getting piss tested at these fucking jobs. But those shitty jobs aren't shitty. When you take two hits off a fucking bung

and go in there in your car and go, what the fuck? I got to load boxes. You put an iPod on or a Walkman, you know, I put a Walkman on for years. And I did whatever job day I loaded trucks. I worked in a warehouse. I remember after we robbed Michael's Jewelers, me and Stinky and a bunch of guys, we hit out. And I came back and I had money, Lee. I had about $10,000. When you're 18, that's a fucking half a million dollars. But people always said, even if you have money, you have to keep a job. So I took this fucking job, Lee, down in Edgewater. You're gonna see what's the movie with Stallone and De Niro where they're all cops, Copland. Well, they filmed it. That's called Edgewater, New Jersey. Okay. H&B Diner. There's that post

office there. There's the liquor store where they used to drink at. And my friend, Ferney, Massasudo had a diner called B&B Diner. Ferney was a crazy motherfucker, half Cuban, half Puerto Rican, big motherfucker, didn't say much, wore thick glasses, partied with the best of them. That was the first person I met that you don't have to look like a rock star to party. But you see people that, oh my God, I just partied out and they have that look. This guy looked like a nerd. But he fucking snorted. He did heroin. He would do three hits of acid. I mean, Ferney used to blow my mind. And I miss him today. And I love him dearly today. And I see his brother, Ferney won't talk to me. No, because we lost a bunch of money and gambling.

Oh, he wasn't one of the last. He used to hit the 60,000. So to this day, he always, the underlying thing was I left him there, holding onto the bag. It was his money. He blew it. I owed the guy a grand. I left. He paid the 60. Fuck him. Fuck him. What do you want from me? So, and it hurt me. It hurt me that me and Ferney had not tied them when we on. I heard things about him the years later. He was hooked on heroin and he got all fucked up. That gambling thing really did fuck him up. It fucked him up for life. What was I talking about? Oh, so I get back on the land and Ferney asked me to live with him. So I moved down to his basement. His mother had fallen on the third floor. Some hot teacher

into the second floor. We lived in the fucking basement. And about a week later, you know, I'm out every night and somebody says you got to get a fucking job because they're watching. You know, people are watching. You got back, got to get a job. So I got a job at a fucking warehouse that shipped out. You know, when you see potato chips and rubs or the supermarket, the racks, the racks, all those metal racks come from somewhere to Union Shop and Edgewater, New Jersey. And they had everything. They made them from A to Z. They made them and then they painted them and they got them ready for Entomans cakes or Hostess Twinkies, whatever the fuck it was, then you ship them out to the supermarkets. So Ferney's father got me a job working in this.

You ready for this? It was fucking five in the morning till like three in the afternoon. Yeah, like five to fucking three. It was Union at the time was 1982 was 680 an hour. And then after 90 days, you went for like $15 an hour. Okay. But we got the job in October, which means we had to be in a car in front of Ferney's house at 420 in the fucking morning, 425. Do you have any idea what that's like when you're 18 years old? When you just got out of high school, that's the first winter after high school. Yeah. Like that was the first winter after fucking high school. And we get in the car and Ferney at 430 would already be hitting the Blackberry brand because he had to be at his father's by five to start cooking the food,

because people coming for breakfast at 536. Yeah. So Ferney worked at his father's and me and Glencanti Stinky worked up at that warehouse. It was nothing. We made no fucking, you know, we spent our money on the tab. We basically paid the tab at the diner that we ate lunch and breakfast on. So we'd get there with Ferney, we'd eat breakfast, put on the tab, and then we'd leave and come back for lunch, eat on the tab. At the end of the week, when we get paid and Ferney would give us a ride home because, you know, five dollars an hour after taxes is nothing. Yeah. 200 fucking bucks. That was our time. Yeah, that was your life. And I remember sitting in that car being fucking hungover from the night before freezing. Yeah. You know what it is to

get in the car on fucking December and Jersey or Boston or New York or upstate. You're fucking freezing in the morning. You're shivering. You're in the fucking back. And you're thinking about you're not going to this job no more. I mean, I know all about that, man. Yeah. We did that job that we almost killed somebody. We almost killed somebody in that fucking warehouse by mistake because they liked us. So we worked under this black guy. We worked under this skinny, cool, slick black, you know, one of those older black. So we were maybe 18. This guy was maybe 50. Yeah. But he was a bad, slick motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? And at lunchtime, he was sending us for a bottle of whiskey, a Blackberry brandy, and he would drink it. He'd be like fucking drinking

little sips. So one day, you know, the boxes, the metal things coming boxes. Yeah. So me and Glenn, I mean, this is how easy this job was. Sometimes we'd go there at five and we'd set up the boxes and we'd set them up like football. Yeah. So we put six guys in front, we'd get two tackles and we play one on one football with those guys blocking the boxes. So we would move the boxes crazy shit. That's how bored we were. Yeah. In the middle of the winter, we'd go outside at seven in the morning and set up the boxes, put gloves on, and we make believe we were running backs and he'd have to tackle me and I tackle him. I mean, that's how much they liked us. But the one fucking day, I'll never forget this guy. He says, you guys, we got stuck up like 200 motherfucking boxes.

I'm like, all right. And this guy was a great guy. I forget what his name is. If he's dead, God bless us. So because he was very good to us. So he got on the bottom. We had to get, like every warehouse has like a little floor, like a little opening with the second, third floor. Yeah. So he's like, what you guys are going to do is you're going to send the boxes down to me. Okay. So what we're going to do is I'm going to throw him, you pick up the boxes over your head and you just go like that very lightly. And it goes down and he would catch him. That's how long he was doing. He'd stack them. Boom. And he'd stack them. So we got to a sweet Glinconti. We just sent it. Was there stuff in the boxes or were they empty? No, empty flat. They're empty

flat boxes. They're not even being built yet. They're empty and flat. So me and Glenn are giving them the fucking box. We're sending them down, picking them up, picking them up, picking them up. The whole thing. This goes on for 40 minutes. I mean, this old guy don't stop with doing it. Finally, I picked one up. It's windy. It's windy behind me. I can feel the wind blowing right off the Hudson. I take the fucking thing and I just whip it down and I see him look up. Then Austin, I see the wind take the box and he loses it. He loses it in the sunlight like a fucking outfielder. He lost the box in the sunlight and I see him stepping back. It's coming at him and it picks up momentum from the fucking thing and it's going. It's shooting. When you see a rocket headed

tomorrow, to the United to the world, it just shoots down. And also you see him and it just fucking clopping right with the bridge of the nose. You're like, and he went down. There was blood everywhere. Fucking bleeding from his head, his nose. I mean, we almost killed him. We didn't come back after that. You didn't come back after that. We stayed for like three hours. We didn't even make the union. Oh, yeah. We didn't make the fucking union. It's tough to make five bucks now when you get steel for a living. Five bucks an hour and insurance in 90 days. I'm over here selling quail. It's making a fucking real living. You know what I'm saying? What's happening, you beautiful motherfucking cocksuckers? Get up. Get up. It's a beautiful day

to be alive. Make yourself that promise. It's going to be a fucking great weekend to make it happen. And that's it. That's the best of fucking things you can do, Lisa. Yeah. Absolutely. I'll tell you what I've also been doing this Friday. You know what? You people think like we're here fucking talking shit to you people, but I try to help you guys as much as I can. I try to give you whatever I got. If I don't like something, I tell you all the time, I like this fucking shroom tech. Oh yeah. I like it. The sport. Einstein told me it gives you those shroom caps give you a lot more blood, red blood cells. Okay. That's why you feel so much better. That's why you feel like that's not, I couldn't lie to you. At 10 o'clock, I was still fucking away from those things. The

shroom tech sport, if you take them before, like I took them before Jiu-Jitsu, how to go to Jiu-Jitsu, I want to take them an hour before 12, at 10 o'clock, it's still feeling in my body. Really? I can still feel that upper high dog. I ate a bunch of pretzels in front of you. Yeah. I wasn't done and I ate a Chibo chew yesterday and I had a fucking gooby bear. Let me get a fucking gooby bear. I'm in the mood to fucking get high today. Today's a good day to get fucking stoned. It's Monday. Get it together. Oh my God. Los hombres malos. That's how we do it here. Anthony Dolores was in time. You know, I had like a box of animals in the fucking you always have a box of animals. I had Chibos. I had fucking goobies. I had more shit than you control. I don't want this shit

in my house no more. I love getting high. You know, I love smoking. No, I would never have guessed that. That's 250. Who gives a fuck? It's 80 more. Holy shit. You can't walk on one leg and I ate the bag of pretzels. Keep an eye on TMZ today guys. Fuck TMZ. I had a fucking protein shape. I had forced protein shape with a banana. Oh, you're on fire this morning. Fire and alpha brain. And my blood pressure medication. So somebody's getting fucking stabbed in the neck today, bitches. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. What's going on, man? That was your weekend with you. You're in love? Yeah. I mean, we haven't said that yet, but yeah. You haven't told it yet. You love it? No, you said something to me last night because you always make fun of me that I'm going

to move a girl in. But you said like, why keep an eye on a clock? And there's like, there really isn't a reason. But if like, I don't know, it's always tough at the beginning. Like, you feel like you love them, but it's, you don't want to say it too early or anything. So we haven't said that yet. But it's going great. You tell her why you're eating a monkey. I love you. No. You're down there fucking stabbing it with your fingers. You tell her I love you dirty bitch. I don't think she respond well to that. Well, when you're eating a monkey, you lick that fucking thing. I love you dirty bitch. No, no, no, they like it. You pull the head. You go, I love you dirty bitch. If you look him in the eye, you look at them all fucking cock-eyed with that pussy breath.

They love that shit. You get pussy breath? After you eat some gum afterward. No, no, you gum afterward. No, you walk around with pussy breath and breathe on them and shit. I don't breathe on them again. You don't get nothing like that to the eyebrow just to get to wake up to the whole little Captain Kirkley. You dirty bitch. Look at you. You're in love. I'm happy for you. You know that, right? You're a good man. Thank you. You deserve to be. What happened to Ashley? You got rid of those people. No, we talk, everyone. We're friends. I saw her last week, but I haven't seen her for a month before that or something. You talked to her this week? No. All week? Yeah. Yeah. She got me a birthday present. So I called her. She's like a funny little desk thing,

like a little desk thing. Shut up a fucking ass. All right. What was the blowjob when you needed a fucking funny little desk thing? That's what's wrong with America. They want a little. Listen, I want to get them where you lick my nuts with a fucking song on. All right. With the song on? Yes. What song? I don't know. I got to think about it. I don't know a fucking song. People always get you the wrong fucking. You know what I'm saying? All you want is a little lick nut for your birthday, right? You wouldn't mind if you pick up your helmet a little bit. I had my new girl on my birthday. I didn't care. She licks your nuts. Do you feel the animal? Because she's going to meet you Wednesday. So I don't know why I can't. She ain't coming to the

show. She got homework to do. She got shit to do. You're going to drag her out all night. She got homework. She's going to law school. She hasn't started yet. She's bobbed like me and you. She hasn't started yet. She's like, you're going to eat that gooby? No. I can't eat 20 to 50 milligrams of water at work. It's Monday morning. Just take a little bite of the respect for Monday. I'll tell. I'll take it when I don't have a job anymore. One job. You don't have a job. You know, you can call them this morning and say, you know what? I was looking for a job when I found that. Go fuck yourself. I was talking to my girl's cousin yesterday and she said, because she used to work at McDonald's and she, she took a little cash register and threw her on the floor once she quit.

I've never done anything like that. I would love to quit a job like that. Have you ever quit a job like that? I'm just going to say like, fuck this place. I went to work for this about 19, 1990, 1980, something. I mean, a kid in fucking Aspen called Doug. Yeah. I don't know what his last name is. And the story was, I was friends with him. You know, I knew him from around. He worked at the Crestwood hotel, the Crestwood Lodge. It's no best village. And I knew him. Hey, how you doing? How you doing? You know, everybody did coke. He hung out with friends of mine. When I left, I went back to Jersey and I heard that while I was gone, well, he was doing coke with a chick and he went to the bathroom. He came back. He accused the

chick of stealing his coke. Like there was a line missing. So he took a shotgun and he made the chick get naked. He searched her until she had the line of fucking coke. So the cops had to come, disarm him. He did a year in jail. They called him shotgun Doug. Jesus. I never saw him. Never saw him again. So I get back to Colorado in 93. I'm doing standup in New York. I'm living with Georgie's doing heroin. I'm all fucked up on the coke, whatever. But I'm going to come back. I'm going to move back to bold. I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to be just staying bold until my comedy career takes off. I was fucking horrendously bad. And I moved back to fucking bold and I got a job at Sprinkler Auto Sales in Longmont,

Colorado. It's a buy here, pay here. It's a potluck place where they have cars where people who would destitute come in and they pay the fucking high price because they need the interest. They didn't pay their water bill for 20 years. Now they can't get a car. So now they got to pay extra for this fucking car and you made casually. Okay. Like in three days I made two grand. Shit. All right. Right before Christmas. So it's like December 18th, December 19th, they're having a Christmas party at Sprinkler Auto Sales. Okay. All right. So we're all there. Who shows up at this party? Shotgun Doug. Shotgun Doug. Doug, what's up? Oh, shit. I haven't seen you since Aspen. And in conversation somewhere and go, Doug, they really call you shotgun Doug. He goes,

fuck you. So we start playing basketball and this motherfucker has been playing basketball. I guess he took offense to the shotgun Doug comment. Okay. So every time he was blocking me goes, I heard you went to prison too, bitch. Did you fuck black people in the ass or he was saying that he was saying it more. I couldn't believe him. I knew this guy. I knew he was a half a tough guy, but really it's Christmas weekend. You want to fuck with me? Yeah. So we keep playing basketball. Now it's getting a little bit more physical between him, me and him. The game ends. I give him about 15 minutes and you know me. I call him into the back. I go, Doug, come here. I'll show you something. There's an alleyway. Okay. There's two alleyways. And then

we say it was a trailer. Okay. It was a trailer. It wasn't a building. It was a trailer. It stood by itself. And that inside was where the party's at. And I took him and I go, what was that comment you made? And I went and I smacked him. But as I got to smack him, I left my hand up there. Yeah. And I just pulled everything I had through my banged his head off the fucking trailer like 10 times. Boom, boom. You motherfucking, you dummy. I was crazy then, crazy. Some old man sprinkler comes out with the workers. They take me off me. They say I'm fired. Okay. Like you're fired. I go back inside and I go, I want my fucking check within five minutes while I'm wrecking this fucking Christmas table. And old man sprinkler turned pale. He goes,

I'll call the police. I can call the police. And then I'll take the table and hit you on the fucking head when I want my check in five fucking minutes. Because when they fire you in Colorado, they got to give you a check. Yeah. So he had to pay me like $2,000 for those three days they worked. Yeah. And they fired me December 18. Jesus. I didn't give a fuck, dog. I was looking for a job. At a Christmas party. Fuck him. I don't give a fuck. That's hysterical. Another time I worked at Bill Crouch Subaru, I bought a car and they told me it was $5. And when I get to my check on Sunday, I'm waiting all week. They took like 1300 out because I said the taxes and all this shit. I go, that's not what the deal. They charge me deal and handling. 240. I was like,

well, that was a deal. They said, well, that's the deal. Now you look like you're a car road. And I went for the back and I got an X. And I got on one of the fucking Subarus and found a Saturday for the 20 customers. And I got on top of one of the fucking Subarus and I go, if I don't get my check, I'm gonna start breaking fucking windshields. And I broke the one windshield and the one guy came out, the owner who was cool as shit. He was a Mormon. He's like, what's the problem, Joey? Why are you breaking windshields in front of the customers? Because they always, they took 800 hours out of my check. And he goes, come on, I'll give you the money. And he cut me 800 hours and ever since that day, he called me the renegade. He used to call me the

renegade. You're a fucking renegade kid. I love that. You kept working there? Yeah. Okay. Set me home for the game 800. Set me home for the day. And he goes, come back Monday. We'll forget about the whole fucking deal. Only you. Because the people were thieves. Yeah. See, the used car division were thieves. So when I'm to get the bonus, that's why they charged me a DNA. They thought I wasn't going to catch it. Once I caught it, they had to give me the money back. So they swallowed the fucking windshield. That came out of the used car salesman's fucking bonus. And I got my fucking money. And ever since that time, the guy called me the renegade. You're a renegade kid. I love it. That's hysterical. I used to be a renegade when I was

a kid, but I got married. That's the guy used to tell me all the time, I love a kid. You're a renegade. The renegade. I don't even make a mic anymore. So back on it quickly because you started on it. Usually you love the swim tech sport. I love to have Force Pro T-Shake. You know, I like the strum bone. I like the packs in the morning that I've been taking those. Even Salami, I gave him one of the packages and he says that he's been sleeping like a baby. But he's had more. Salami's 46 years old, John Salami. Yeah. And he told me that the other day he was the first one on the map and the last one to get off and he couldn't figure out why it was because of the shroom tech fucking sport. Awesome. Go to honored.com. There's a box. Pressing fucking shirts. Get 10% off.

Let them get your email. Those email you with deals, you're gonna fucking love them. Whether it's the alpha brain, the hemp force, the fucking shroom tech. I'll tell you what, I'm hooked on all of them. And for a fat fuck like me that's trying to get my digital one, that's really trying to get endurance, I tell you man, I'm impressed with the shroom tech. And that's where it ends. I'm not going to break your balls no more. I'm not going to tell you what you do and what you don't have to do. Like I said, on this show, I could be a fucking whore and tell you all I get something. I just got a thing for sponsoring luggage for a luggage company wants to pay us. And I said, no, I like Dollar Shave Club. I like fucking Hulu and I like on it.

That's how it's that's how I throw it bitches. That's it. It's Monday. You got to show up with fucking three guns. That's it. You got to do it. And don't forget this Wednesday. We're at the fucking ice house. I keep forgetting to tell people this Wednesday at 8 30. We got a special guest. Come on down. It's a fucking real podcast. We're not fucking around no more. We're taking this podcast to the next level. Leasing the edadibles and a stick of fucking gooby up his ass hole. Fucking around no more bitches. And quickly, we'll get through on it and the Dollar Shave Club. I've been telling them about you wrote on it for months now. It's been two or three months. Fucking love it. It's simple as hell. Go to joeyds.net. There's a Hulu plus banner,

or you could go to huluplus.com slash joey. You get two free weeks, two, not one, not three, but two free fucking weeks, two weeks that you don't have to keep. If you if you don't like it after two weeks, that's it. They don't they won't they won't take you out. They won't take a penny out if you like it. Bang 799. That's two fucking coffees at Starbucks for you to talk to a bunch of worthless people about nothing about plans you're never going to do. You're not going to get on the bus because you don't want to get on the fucking bus. So stop bullshitting to these people at the coffee shop. You drop $10 a week on fucking dumb coffees to treat fucking space. You can walk into your fucking business with your little Starbucks cup on. You follow me because God forbid

you don't have a Starbucks and you can't be a fucking sheep. Fuck that shit. That shit ends today. You're going to go to huluplus. Tell your fucking fake fucking friends to suck your dick. You're going to go to huluplus. You're going to sign up. You're going to get two free weeks community. You're going to get fucking documentaries that Ben Shack guy I love from San Diego. Every week he sends me a recommendation that he got off huluplus. If he's getting fucking great entertainment, so can you go to huluplus.com, press Joey in the box and that's it. You get two free fucking weeks. Not one, two, two, two, and you get a month, 799 a month. That's two fucking coffees. Where are you going to get that type of action? Nowhere. I thought you were shaving with

the Dollar Shave Club. I am. I am. What time are you doing this shit? Tonight. I had to get up I had to get up at early for the show, but I got I got the whole package in the mail and there are a lot of stuff that irritates me. What irritates you, Joey? Like what's something that really pisses you off? You. With so many things that irritate you, why would you let razors add to it? That irritates me. I forgot to spray my nose. I'm sorry people. Fucking razors don't irritate you. Irritate you when you spend money for a razor and you either lose the razor or the thing falls in the fucking shower. So why even go through that? So why even go fucking through that? Go to the Dollar Shave Club. Sign up. They got three different packages.

Correct or not? Correct. What are the prices? $1, $6 and $9 a month. Bank. And then why let razors add to your to pissing you off? The name brand razors you're using, you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like a rusty soda can. Let it go. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every month for just a few bucks. $1, $6, $9 a month. You don't have to go to CVS at four in the morning. You're not going to go to the front desk clerk and they give you one of those shave your fucking face skins off. Yeah. Those three fucking razors. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Sign up today. I'll tell you what,

it's a great deal. I'm waiting on my fucking things. I'll tell you, once I shave with them, I'll tell you the honest to God truth. But my buddy was in on those things. Yeah. And he loves it. A bunch of people have signed up for it. A bunch of fucking people already signed up for it. So I'm telling you, I know a lot of guys listen to the show. You're a bad motherfucker. You want to shave your dick. You want to shave your face. You want to have all your assholes shaved. This is the way to go for fucking a dollar a month, $6 a month. You can't lose. Go to Dollar Shave Club. You guys are pissing me off. I'm getting all these gooey bays. Your pretzels are hitting me. And you know how that goes. Join Dollar Shave Club, Shave Time, Shave Money, and just

dollarshaveclub.com slash church, dollarshaveclub.com slash church, or there's a banner at Joe Diaz. I want to do some shout outs. Is that all right? Dollar Shave Club. Fuck you, man. You know what? No, it's not okay. What else do you want to do? My man, Adam Asawani, Oscar Rojas, Riley's B, Michelle J. I love you, Joe Bridge, Roy Logan, and Damian. Happy birthday, you little Irish cocksucker, whatever the fuck you want. You know what this Thursday is? What? This Thursday is 25 years, which I got sentenced to fucking six years. Is it really? This year is 1988. So two years is 1990. 90 the fucking is 20 and three years down. Plus two is 25 the anniversary. Fuck. So every time- What are you going to do?

Go out and kidnap somebody. You know, watch the law and order and be like, it's not me. Dad's been law and order on. I don't know what the fuck's going on in TNT. They're replacing it with Castle. Okay. Usually on Saturdays, they have like a marathon that comes on at one. They show you a couple of old ones and a couple of Benjamin Brantz and the old guy. This week they didn't have it. Nothing that was up. I had the tacos Friday night after the Ice House. That was a fun show Friday night at the Ice House. I bombed them. You did? Yeah. Oh, you're trying new stuff, aren't you? I was trying new stuff, trying to work it around, but I didn't really have anything. It was a fun show. The place was fucking packed, man. I like

what we do at the Ice House. Now, like that, we get the support we do. We keep the chip tickets of $10 for these podcasts. They don't fucking kill you. And it's just something to do. But I had a good time. I went with a girl from Flappers, Sarah dresses, real cute girl. She's the media girl. We went and got tacos. I turned on for the tacos. She was drunk and she's like, Joey, I gotta tell you, this is the best fucking shit anybody's ever done for me. I go, so when she leaves Flappers, which is in Burbank, which I'll be there Tuesday night at Flappers. I'm doing a show for my friend Raph. Raph and I go to Jiu-Jitsu over at Valley Mac and he doesn't put a show over at, he works for Jay Leno, but he does a show over at Flappers once a month, late night, Tuesdays.

So I'm going to do 12 minutes. He interviews me. I really like that kid. He fucked me up yesterday. He beat me up a little bit at Jiu-Jitsu. I love when they beat me up because I'm not good. So I like when they choke me up. Every time they choke me up, I learn something. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I got no ego. You think I'm going to be a Jiu-Jitsu star? I go to work on this gut and get my health. I was frustrated last week because I wasn't going to Jiu-Jitsu and it seemed like I was scared of my breathing and that's what deep down inside I really wasn't. I don't like to quit shit. I got into Jiu-Jitsu at 50 to show you guys on the podcast that you can do something at any age. You know, I sit here and I preach to you dummies and I do dumb

shit and I insult people. But at the same time, honest to God, I love you guys and I want you guys to fucking you. For me to sit here, I got to walk the steps. I got to walk the steps at you. And that's why I always say that me being a part of the church is not what I do on the fucking podcast. It's how I live my life off the fucking podcast. So I understood what you were talking about before with Clay Matthews. I just don't give a fuck what Clay Matthews got to say. I mean, well, I'm not a baseball fan. I'm a baseball fan because I'm Cuban, but I'm over it. And so I'm trying to say I'm over a professional baseball. I'll sit if it's a great game. And I'll tell you what happened the other day. I wanted to tell you, I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna

cry. I got up the other night to piss and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. And one of the cats was sick, Harry. Yeah, I took his two teeth on. Oh, no. Yeah, Harry's bad, bad ass. But the first night he couldn't eat. So I got up and I saw him there trying to lick his teeth and he would cry because he couldn't eat. So I stayed up with my health and I pan up and I was watching sports. Oh my God, I fucking watched the last two innings of the Cincinnati Reds against the Boston Reds Oh, that world series. Oh, oh my God. What year was that? Do you remember 75? Oh my God. Fucking Bernie Carbo. Oh my gosh. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. Why does that affect you so much? Because it's Boston, bro. It's, uh, it's, uh, it was a different time for baseball. I was a kid. Yeah.

I didn't spray my noses. My allergies are fucking killing me. Well, just to see Bernie Carbo and to see Carl Yostramski and to see, uh, Pudge when he hit that whole run. And I love the Cincinnati Reds. I was a Cincinnati Red maniac, but it was something bigger than baseball. Yeah. It was something bigger than baseball. If you haven't watched that game, you have to sit and watch that whole game. Yeah. That's, it was, it was something bigger than fucking baseball. I don't know what it was. And I sat there with Harry and I go, Harry, watching history cocksucker. And, uh, it was just amazing to see Joe Morgan, the conceptual and watch Pete Rose or his gambling ass, you know, running around the bases thinking about who he bet tonight. Yeah. I'm sitting there

going, I wonder who he bet. I was really going wild and see whether the action that was that night. It ought to be like October, 75. Yeah. But, uh, I watched that the other day. It was pretty fucking interesting. But no, I, I, you know, man, that, uh, I really thought about it this morning when I got up on the last night. I thought about it. I got about 9 30. Yeah. It was August 12th and the 15th is my, when I got sentenced. Yeah. And I called Manny Tumino, who was my roommate at the time. I really want Manny to call into the podcast. Me and Manny is like 10 years older than I am, but he's from Guttenburg, New Jersey. Okay. And we knew a lot of the same people growing up. And, uh, I met him in Boulder and I moved in with him off the whim. And after

two months, I told him what had happened. And I kidnapped Ken Vella and, uh, he always opened to it. He's like, Hey, bro, I got your back. Whenever you decide when I got locked up, he saved my room for me. He cleaned it. So I wanted him to call because we always have that conversation. He goes, Jesus Christ, you know, last time we talked, he goes, I was watching some fucking movie the other night. There you were at three in the morning. I was thinking about you being in court and getting sentenced and how bad I felt and how I couldn't help you. And look, you ended up helping yourself, you know, and it's, uh, and I don't look at it as an accomplishment. I look at it as how I keep it close to my heart because I never want to forget it. Every morning when I

wake up, that's one of the things in my laundry list. And look, this is what can happen in your life. If you don't stay on top of your life, if you let life get the best of you, at that time, the coke had gotten the best of me. I was letting the coke and I'm not blaming on the fucking coke. Okay. It was what happened when you had that mixture together of being crazy and secure, confused, scared. And then you had coke on it to be young, to be young is scary enough. You know, there's a kid who emails me every week to breast my balls, Christian Galway, real good kid. And, uh, he told me this week that we should talk about when you go to move, how scared you are. Fuck yeah. You talked about it. How would you go to make a move across the

country? You're petrified. Yeah. I told you after the podcast, when I moved out here two and a half years ago, it was like four days after graduation, I had everything I owned in a car I had just bought and I was, uh, I was really excited to move out here because I'd been out here for a summer. And, uh, I drove, I made it into Connecticut and I think it's like highway 80 or something. And it's still one of those rural highways where there's still like trees on the side of the road and stuff. And I had to pull over and I, I called my mom and I had to like, like, I didn't cry, but I had like, I started having like a panic attack. Like I looked in the back and like, you know, when you're moving in, like in your car is full and I didn't have a place to live out here yet,

because like it's LA is weird. Like in Boston, they have a realtors to help you find a place. They don't have that out here in LA. They have websites and stuff like that, but they don't have people to help you find apartments. So I was coming out here to really nowhere. I had nowhere to live and I had planned on staying in a hotel and I stayed in a hotel for the first week I was here and I just took the first place I looked at. One hotel was just there. The first night, oh, it's fucking gross. The first night I stayed in a place, it's right down by the New Beverly Cinema. It's like there's no name kind of place. And it was fucking disgusting. It was like the grossest hotel I've ever stayed in. Like there was like, it was, I can't even, I can't even describe it.

Like there were roaches and like, it was two beds, but like the lights didn't work and like, there wasn't sheets on one of the beds in the room. And I had to, I got out of there. I stayed, I went from there to like the roadway in and it was the one, the one I stayed in for like the week. You open the door to the whole, it was, the room was smaller than this room. I would open the door and you'd see the bed and the TV was, was screwed to the wall so you couldn't steal it. And I was there for four days and because, and my mom even yelled at me like, why don't you, because I had people here who I knew from the job and they said, why don't you stay with them? Like I don't want to ask them. And when I told the people where I was working, one day someone

asked me where I was living, I'm like, oh, I'm staying in a hotel until I find a place. It's like, why don't you stay with me? And I hate it. I couldn't, I don't like, because I always feel like I'm imposing. And I'm like, I don't want to, if you have to do it, it's fine. And I probably should have done it for like that week because it cost me like 500 bucks. But I just, I, I didn't want to like be in his couch. Where was it? It's not Beverly. No, it's down. Oh, so you stayed in Hollywood the whole time? Yeah, like right by the New Beverly. Yeah. Cause I had, I wasn't going to stay in the valley. I don't think I was trying to stay down there because I was working in West LA. And I just, yeah, so I saw the first place I looked at, really, or first or second

place, it was like eight o'clock and I couldn't really see anything because it was dark. It was one of those little cottages that they have from like the 20s or whatever for the actors used to stay in. It was disgusting. It wasn't disgusting, but it was tiny and falling apart, signed it, signed the lease that like that night moved in and there was no, there was no heat, there was no and I was just in there with the, the only thing I had in there was a bed. But on the way out here for like 20 minutes, I pulled over in Connecticut and I was like, fuck, what's, what's, what am I doing? And like I got myself together and I drove the rest of the way by myself and I was fine after that. But like the whole, I think from like the Boston, the Massachusetts Connecticut border to

like the place where I pulled over, like I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Like I didn't know anybody really. I knew a couple of people from the place where I worked and I was, I had like probably $4,000 saved up or something. It's scary. It's really scary when you're a young man or young woman to pick up. You just can't even think about it. And even, even if it's like, there's probably, there's people who probably like you after your divorce, you moved to Seattle and you were with something, but like you probably, did you know anyone in Seattle? It must be. But no, the scary move for me, you know, those two kids that did the podcast with us, they were older cousins. Their older cousin was a big, big level coke dealer. Plains, Columbia did 20 years of unloading

planes and he's the one that taught me to go to Boulder. And I'm Boulder, he's the one that taught me to go to Aspen. That's the first time I left. This is the only fear I had with moving. So this is the only thing I could correlate, the only story I could correlate, because after when, after that, when I moved, I had so much confidence that I already knew the game. But the first move when I moved with my buddy Jimmy and, you know, we were both in it together, which takes a little slower. You know, I don't know what his financial situation was, but I was covered for a few months maybe. Maybe I had a couple grand, not much, you know, I didn't even have four grand. But he had a brother who had a house and he had rooms available and two people had left. So we

came into a roommate situation. It was like 200 bucks. So I paid rent for too much right off the bat. Just don't have to worry about too much too much and give you a time to get a job, time to meet new people, you know, because after a while, it's not even going to the water ads and looking, it's getting out there and meeting people that go, oh, I have a brother who owns a shoe store, he'll get your job sniffing fucking sneakers, whatever the fuck it is, you know. So that's what it really is. And I remember driving and taking the three days that we got there on a Saturday, which gives you two days to look around and breathe. Like for me, once it's Monday, it's showtime. There's no fucking time to be drinking or fucking around. So we got there on

a Saturday, which gave us a day and a half to breathe, looking at newspapers. But I was right off in it, you know. My big thing was to get a job and get it over with. That's the most important thing. Once you have that, because it's tough to go somewhere and rest for a week. And it's going, well, I'm going to just take a week off. Even if you have 10,000 fucking dollars or 20,000 or a half a million dollars, it's tough because you want to get your life started. You want to get the flow. You want to start taking classes or whatever the fuck you want to do. So I remember how scary it was for me. But I knew that as long as I paid rent for 60 days, 60 days, you should be able to get it together. Yeah, 60. If you came to me right now and said, I have no money and I

want to stay on your couch, 60 days would be the number 15 to get caught away in the job, put money away, save, and then you could fucking get an apartment, you know, something like that. So it's scary, but it's a beautiful time in your life because you look forward to the independence. Yeah, you look forward to getting the fuck out of there. It always amazes me that there's two types of people. There's the people that stand in that community, which I don't get mad at. I understand that. If there's a different life, maybe I wouldn't have left New Jersey. This is a different life. And I would have had family and a mother and a reason to go home and an uncle. I would have stayed in fucking New York, you know, but no, that wasn't the thing that didn't hold me.

So it's always good to leave for a little while. Yeah. Even if you went back to Boston, even your roommate who said, you know what, I came out there, I moved to Northridge, I came and looked, I'll go back to Boston. Some people do that. I almost did. Yeah, they'll tell you, they'll say, listen, I lived out there for a while, it was different, but it was time for me to come home. And some people feel ashamed about that. I don't feel ashamed about that. You can't like everywhere. There's a lot of places in this country that I think are great to visit. I wouldn't fucking live there. You know, I wouldn't fucking live there. So, you know, people make mistakes, people entitled to make mistakes. You know, sometimes you go up,

I thought, oh, can you imagine if you throw a California was what you watch on TV? You come here and you show people recedar and they'll fucking die. They'll go, what the fuck is that thing? It looks like a bomb hit that fucking city. You know, it looks like a bomb hit a lot of cities in LA. You just never see that fucking LA. You see the palm trees, you see Hollywood, you see them walking out of fucking a hot club. You don't see the inner fucking part. You don't see the valley. The valley is like living in any way USA, which I love about the fucking valley. I didn't like the valley when I first moved here, but now I love it. I am so happy that I left New Jersey. Yeah. Listen, man, I missed it. I left New Jersey and it was tough to leave New Jersey.

Now, who gives a fuck? But 30 years ago, you were drinking when you were 15, you were eating kway ludes, you were going to the city and not standing out. You know, you were doing shit. I had a life in New York City, or at least I thought I did. It was a different New York. When I left, it was heartbreaking for a guy like me to leave because there was everything I had. I missed New York. You hear my voice, you hear my walk, my mannerisms. I'm a city fucking guy. You know, I'm never going to lose that. That's what I thrive on. But at that time, you know, I had to save my life. I had to fucking get out of there. It was to New York in 1980, New York today. There's too much available to you at any time. You know, you cross that bridge into Harlem,

buy a bazooka. You know, you could buy a bomb. You could buy whatever the fuck you want in New York City. And it's always been that way. That's just what New York is about. Everything is too available to you. You know, if we want, you know how hard it is for us to live on our diets in New York? You imagine if we used to work till four, and I would call you sometimes, me for breakfast, because I'd be riding, I couldn't sleep. Could you imagine at four o'clock, we'd get a full steak. Yeah. Four o'clock in New York City, you get a full fucking steak dinner with all the trimmings. You'll have a heart attack. Plus the blow, plus there's too much, too much available to you. What do you think now with the, like, because with the, with the internet, it's even more,

like, because you were saying, when you said you could go to Harlem and get that, I was like, yeah, you could. But now you could go online and get, like, 10,000 times the amount of stuff. You know, I'm naive to what's going on on the internet. A lot of times, I know that there's Twitter and space, Facebook and whatever the fuck. And I've sat there millions of times and said, hey, man, I'd love to see what it would be like to sell Coke on Twitter. I guarantee people would do it. And I guarantee there's web pages that you could put an address in and so you'll drop off a bomb of fucking heroin or something. I don't know for sure, but I know that something's got, we have all these other things available to you. I can take a picture on Instagram and a

million people can see it. Why can't I fucking, you know what I'm saying? So I don't even know what the new technologies are for buying drugs in New York. All I know is everything's too fucking accessible to you. And that's that, that's, that's basically the fuck it, my friend. That's it, buddy. What else is going on with you? What do you got planned this week? No, I'm really excited for the podcast. It's my, I'm excited that we're doing it twice a month now. You like the live podcast. It brings a different aspect to the game. It really does. I remember first people used to suggest them to me and I watched a few Adam Carollers and I went to

somebody else's and I didn't like it. I didn't think I would really like it. And now I'm in love with them all. So I like the energy, the feeling of the people in the room and the laughing and having a good time with you. So I'm looking forward to Wednesday. I hope you people can fucking make it out at the ice house, six to six, five, seven, seven, 18, whatever the fuck. 1836. I don't even know what the fuck the number is. Icehouse.com. Isn't IcehouseComedy.com or something like that? IcehouseComedy.com and get tickets and 10 fucking dollars. Don't forget, I'm in DC this month and I can't wait. I haven't been in DC. I've never been coming to DC.

Really? Yeah. I think I did all you did all those East Coast cities and you never went to DC. Never went to DC in problem. I've done like Bethesda, headliners in Bethesda and I did a club in Tyson's corner, you know, and shit like that, but I've never really done the DC in problems. I'm fucking excited. Are you going to see John Rallo? Is he going to come up? Fuck yeah. John Rallo is coming up from Baltimore. I think I'm going to train with him one day and Baltimore will move the beds and do a training session. Just a chance to get trained

by John Rallo one time would be a fucking great thing, man. So I'm happy about that. I'm happy about the 28th. We're back at the ice house. We're going to have a New York city in Gotham. It's the 12th or the 13th of September. I'll be there for San Gennaro and fucking already Lang and go get some food with my buddies. I don't know where I'm going to stay yet. I don't know if I'm going to stay in the city. I'm going to stay in Jersey. I don't know what to do. You might not stay anywhere. You're going to be in New York. You might just stay up all night. Fuck it. I got a savage. I can't stay up all night. You know, the thought of it sounds great. I'd love to tell you guys, oh my God, I stayed up all night, but fuck. I fucking 12 o'clock.

Like Wednesday, I'm happy because Wednesday night, I do the podcast and I'm wired. So when I come home at 11, I have coffee and then I watch two episodes of Sons of Anakin and I'm cool. I'm saying I'm cool. Cool. That's your big night now? That's my big night. Wednesday night. Tuesday, I'm not doing anything. Tuesday night, I got to do flappers. I just stay in and relax. I do the acupuncture. I take a nap. Tomorrow morning, you get to a 12.30 and then I'll take my acupuncture to I don't know. Wednesday, I'm around. Thursday, I'm on my way to Boston. You're going to do jiu-jitsu and then go to, right to Dr. Amy? Right to Dr. Amy. No shower? Okay. I was going to be like, for Dr. Amy.

You know, we better than that. I don't go nowhere without a shower, dog. You know, before I leave jiu-jitsu, I take that t-shirt off and I put it in my bag and I put a new t-shirt on so there's no sweat on my seats and I put a cover on my seats and I spray fucking for breeze. I don't fuck around. I don't like rotten ass on my seats. I'm like, what are you gonna do? My ass is rotten. Sometimes I sit there and I cut a fart in the fucking thing. You know? Oh, you were going off last night at the coffee shop. What was I doing? You farted like 18 times the last five minutes we were there. Did I? Yeah. You just leaned forward and you're like, well, I don't know what's behind me.

I felt bad. I'm jealous you're going to Boston. You're not staying for the fight, you're just doing the two shows. Just doing the two shows and I get back on the plane, go to San Jose for the 94-9 mix, up a fucking mountain view with my man Russell Peters and Felipe and Michael Epps and Angela Johnson. So I'm looking forward to that. So it'll be a great fucking time. This is fucking awesome. But first, Wednesday night, Ice House. Wednesday night, Ice House 830B there. Lee, myself. We got a special guest, Rifa, fucking everything. The trimmings. Listen, people, I'm happy you came out today and listen. I'm happy. I love you guys. You know, I love you guys. We're all my fucking heart. All right.

Don't believe the hype. I'm happy you're fucking here today. Thank you very much for listening to us today for all the shout outs for the birthdays out there. If we missed anybody, you know we fucking love you. All right. Wednesday live at the Ice House. If you don't listen to it, there will not be a podcast early Wednesday, just a live one. So get your shit together. See you Thursday, bitches. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeydeas.net and sign up and click on the

Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for your dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. I love these guys and you will too. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeydeas.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. We got to give them what we want. We got to give them what we need now. I desire to feel your mind now that you realize the primes are up. We got to pump the stuff to make this up. From the heart it's a smarter work of art. To revolutionize, make a taste of the strength. People, people are the same. No one understands cause we don't know the game. What

we need is awareness. We can't get careless. You say what is this? Yeah. Talk about it. Let's get down to business, make yourself the best of it now. Don't let the show. To make everybody see. In order to fight the power. That beat. Fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. Fight the power. We got to fight the power. That beat.