Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 08/19/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #105

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

Sal Polisi calls back into the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 08/19/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month

for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub.com banner. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Monday, August something. It don't even fucking matter no more.

Get up. It's a Monday. Oh shit. You're fired up. Your balls are itchy. You got bad fucking breath. Get up. Brush your teeth in the shower. Scrub those fucking nuts. Somebody's going to sniff and play, you know what I'm saying? It's that type of fucking morning, motherfuckers.

Enough is enough already. Two weeks to Labor Day. One more week to college. College football next Thursday. It's that time of the year, Lisa. I don't want to hear no fucking bullshit about that. Never. She got the hood.

Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. I used to listen to this shit on two ludes and about 55,000 fucking grams of quirky slottish shit. Look, get what? Stop it. Now she's bulling through. She keeps that pussy clean. Oh shit.

Turn that shit off, Lisa. Yeah, what's happening? Welcome to the church of what's happening. Now we're back, bitches. Lisa, yeah, a flying fucking Jew in the house. What's happening, baby boy? I had a great weekend. I missed you, Cox.

I missed you. You brought me a little head today, you little fucker. With your little bonobos, comments, head, dude, shit. What's happening, baby? Talk to your uncle, Joey. No, man, I had a great weekend, but I was thinking about something because you did a lot of comedy this weekend.

And I want to see a comedy show this weekend. I forgot how much I loved it. And you feel a lot better when you laugh, when you have a good time. What would you rather do, Lee? Take a fart to the face or go on stage. To do comedy? Yeah, one time.

Think about it, all right? I don't know. There you go. There you go. Just do it. I don't want to do comedy. Just do it one time. I have no interest in that world,

and we'll talk about it on the podcast. I have no interest. Just let me stay. You teach me how to edit for one hour, and we'll go. How about that? How about, because we were talking about that, how people think that they could do what other people do. Just try it.

Just try it. Oh, man, no. It's going to make you so much of a better man. Listen, 20 years ago, did you not bungee jump? I'm not a bungee jumper, but I bungee, because I overcame a fear. Do you follow what I'm saying? Just try it, brother.

I'm not breaking your balls. I mean, you don't like farts to the face, and you're scared of. No one likes farts to the face. Everybody loves farts to the face. It's metal. You know, why go to Vietnam? You're not going to bring home a metal. Hey, thank you for digging.

That was a fucking. I listened to 15 to 20 minutes of that podcast with Duncan Trussell. And guys, I had to turn it off. Why? It fucking wired me up too much. Really? Yeah.

I don't like talking about that shit. I don't like to read that kind of lingo to people, but it fired me up. But I can only do this on here. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it was just, I loved Duncan, and I knew we were going to end up talking about death, you know, and how people respond to death and reacted death.

I'm sorry. And, you know, everybody's different. You know, butch. Oh, butch ask a boss. Senses love. Oh, great. All right, butch ask a boss a comic in San Jose. Cool, motherfucker.

I met him at the Web in San Juan and all those guys. He's his Mexican dude with the Simbad, the fucking sailor beard that's funny as fuck. He's just a new guy at the comic, you know? He's just getting his stripes on six or seven years, and his mom passed about two years ago. Oh, OK. And you met the dad, you know?

And then I remember talking to the dad. And then me and Lee went to San Jose the fuck around for a few days, and we met the dad. We had dinner with them like three or four times, you know? And it was funny how the dad was dating, and he was happy, and he moved on with his life. So Thursday, when I was listening to the podcast, I was out of town.

And I was listening to the podcast, and I listened to the death stuff. And it fucked with me. You know, a little bit, it broke me back to those feelings of. And for some reason, Butch ask a boss, his father came into my head. Like, usually when a spouse dies, the other spouse dies within a year.

You just get over grief with will. Not that motherfucker. He put moose on his head, put a nice shirt on, and he went out and started dating again. You know, and he lived his life, and he's very involved in his community. He negotiates for unions and stuff like that. He's just a neat guy, neat fucking Spanish dude.

And he hangs out at original Joe's. When somebody hangs out at original Joe's, that's a bad gangster right there. Like the other night we were there, and I'm sitting there, and after the show in San Jose, what's his name? My agent, Justin, goes, you want to go get dinner? And I wasn't hungry, but he had never gone.

He said he only had breakfast there. So I said, do me a favor. Let me go upstairs and roll the joint. I'll come back down, puff it. You know, you puff right outside the Fairmont Hotel in that little alley. Fucking cool town, San Jose, right? So I puffed the joint.

We walk over to original Joe's quarter after 12. Oh wow. So we walk in, you know how it is It's just another fucking night over there. They're just serving dinners, Sinatra's on the jukebox. We sit down, we order lunch, and the bartender goes, last call for alcohol.

So right away I go, oh my God, maybe Mr. Escobar is at the bar. And I turn around, and within five minutes Mr. Escobar walks this way. And we gave him a hug. He asked about league, you know? So that's it. That's why I was thinking about death

and how people reacted that some people let it get overwhelmed with it. And some people go, okay, they're dead, there's nothing I can do. I missed them, I loved them. I'm gonna move on with my life. I'm gonna go put a nice shirt on and shave my cock and go out there and try it again, you know what I'm saying?

Cause that's what she'd want me to do. Yeah. You know, that's what the other person would usually want you to do. That was a crazy podcast. We've done, that was the fifth one in some live podcasts. Some people will try to be funny. But that one was like kind of like one of these podcasts

but in front of people. And it was, that was the first time I had heard Duncan since his cancer thing. So it was a, it was crazy. I loved Duncan. I loved that Duncan's back in my life. Out here especially. I feel like I have more family

when Duncan's back in my life, you know? So it was, it's very weird when you're around, you have C fighters. They're never the type of guys to go, hey man, I'll break this fucking heck or whatever. You know why? Why? Because they're confident.

Mm-hmm. They don't have to talk about it. They don't like me. They don't like insecure little fat fucks. They're confident. That podcast is to let you know how confident we are in our comedy. We don't always have to talk about fucking comedy.

We don't always have to try to be fucking cute. Nothing bothers me more when I'm trying to have a conversation with a comic and he's trying to be fucking cute. There's always a third wheel and he's trying to chime in to prove that he's funny. When men are talking, if you're a man, you don't have to fucking prove that you're funny.

Just talk to me. And so many times that we have conversations and somewhere in the line, fucking something funny comes out. But it doesn't always have to be funny. It always doesn't have to be funny. Stop trying. That's what a lot of people are doing.

That's what that podcast did the other night. We weren't trying to be funny. No. We were just telling you the stories of how we handled that death. Yeah. Now it seems Duncan's great. So this isn't anything against Duncan.

But on paper, you probably shouldn't like Duncan, it would seem. It seems like he likes a lot of stuff that you find annoying. Well, we have the both common denominator. Heart. I'm dunking out a lot of balls. When I first got to the store,

Duncan would show up on Sundays at open mic night. You know, here I was trying to work on jokes and everybody was trying to be a monologist. And Duncan would go up there with that creepy fucking doll, whatever his name was, Mr. Boo, whatever his fucking name was. Yeah, little hobo, I think. And he'd do wish you were here. But the whole thing about a standup

that matches up with life is that when you commit, beautiful things happen. There's a lot of times I went on stage, like Saturday night in Santa. Friday night in Boston was fucking amazing. If you came to the Woolbert Theater Friday, I love you. If you came to the show Saturday, I fucking love you. I love people.

When people go out, I love it. I love when people go out and fucking try to laugh and all this shit. The Woolbert Theater was off the chain. So motherfucker, shut up with those Rogan Diaz for president and science. I nearly lost my fucking mind. You know, Boston is Boston.

Boston's always gonna be Boston. You could always count on Boston to be fucking Boston. And that's why I've been going there since I was fucking 19. You understand me? When I first met my first person from Boston, when I first saw fucking Bernie Carbone tie that fucking game up,

when I saw John Havelichek set a pick about around three black guys and David Collins made the layup, I understood what fucking Boston was about. I understood when I seen the Bruins fucking play hockey. I understood when you see the interviews in the Irish, when fucking they put the aunt, you know, so let's not even go to the other end of it.

I just understand Boston, you know what I'm saying? So I was walking around. First of all, we're at the hotel where the Yankees are staying. I'm upstairs stone thinking somebody's gonna bomb this fucking hotel. Then number two, I'm thinking somebody's, the domestic violence gonna be an all-time high in Boston. Irish bitches are gonna get beat up this weekend in Southeast.

The UFC is in town and the New York Yankees are in town. How angry are fucking Boston people? They're pissed that the Yankees are in town now. Now the UFC is in the fuel that fucking fire. How many people got bit slapped Friday night you're thinking Boston? And how many people got bit slapped Saturday fucking night? And a couple people got beat up last night in shit

because it's Sunday, the Lord's Day. That's an automatic, you know what I'm saying? What's up, Lee Coxsucker? Nothing man, so how was, you were saying how was San Jose? San Jose is just a beautiful little town but we did 94 nine summer jam. Now I came off those two fucking blasting shows Saturday Friday night and people didn't know the show ended at 12.

I was in my hotel room by 10 after 12. The wake up call was at 4 a.m. I was in a cab by 430, showered balls, packed the whole fucking thing of people because I packed before I go to fucking sleep. In a cab I get to the airport and I put in for upgrades. When you wake up, American Airlines shoot you an email

and says if you got upgraded. When I woke up, there was no upgrade. I was pissed, I was pissed. I was like, I might cancel this flight, never fly American Airlines on nasty motherfuckers. But guess what happened? What? When I got to the airport,

I went in priority fucking lame because I got the little card and I went in priority lame. I pressed into the thing and I looked at the two plane tickets and one plane ticket was my regular seat but the second plane ticket because I had to take connecting flight was a first class ticket.

I was like, oh shit, things are gonna get ugly from Dallas to San Jose like a motherfucker. And when I went to the window, she goes, Mr. Diaz, you're probably gonna get first class on this flight but they won't award it till you get to the security line. By that time it'll be official.

You pretty much got it though. You're number three in this three seats. So by the time I got to the window, they had a thing up, Mr. Diaz come to the desk, so bang, I banged it out first class, the whole fucking way. I love American Airlines.

So it was great. I drank an amaretto on milk. You know what I mean? Like a half a fucking fag like I usually do. I had a little egg breakfast. I watched 42. How was it? Not bad, you know.

I mean, I knew it was about a black baseball player. They called nigga a thousand times but it was great to see him saying, I mean, no shit. I'm gonna go there. And nigga more in the jungle. You know what I'm saying? So what the fuck?

But it was good. I enjoyed it. And that's it. It was just a great weekend. You know, it was weird. Sadly now that I ate some shit because I wasn't prepared. You know, it's amazing.

I was tongue-wrung when I don't go on stage prepared and those big venues, I don't do well because I talk fast and I step on my lines. I'm not really a monologist. I don't write jokes like normal people. So it's kind of weird. So when I went out there, I stumbled.

I went out there with a joke about breaking my toe and yoga. And it didn't really go anywhere. And I just took it dirty and then they liked it but I could tell that with apprehensive at that time I had to win him over. But you know what? It was a great experience for me.

Just being up there with Mike Epps and Angela Johnson and fucking Russell Peters is a great guy. Really? Everyone says that? Russell Peters is one of those fucking guys that you're like, you know, I don't know. He's a Hindu. I don't know, but he's fucking smooth and cool and just a sweetheart.

And what I like about Russell Peters, he helps out a lot of friends of mine. He helps them out. Listen, big comic touches you on the shoulder and says they want to go out with you. I've been going out with Joe since 97 when nobody knew who the fuck Joe was. Okay, it was me, Joe and Chris McGuire.

When nobody knew who the fuck Joe was. Joe was getting to arguments at the Miami Improv with some chick. I mean, it was fucking amazing, you know, because they would see Joe Gorelli from News Radio. I learned a lot. And all of a sudden he'd show up and he'd be buck wild talking about chicks getting fucked.

And they'd go, you know, where's the news radio? And that's what I learned about what people think about you on TV. When you're on TV, people really think that, you know, and then it was just really weird. I've known Joe. Now Joe sells out a month in advance. It's easy to go on the road with Joe,

but we were fucking flying Southwest and shit meeting him to Vegas when I first started fucking around with Joe. So I've seen the built. We both built our careers together. And I don't mind work, I don't mind open up for Joe. I've learned fucking more. It's a college education.

I got six college educations in Cali. From the store, but you know what? After seeing your eyes saying that, you really a fan of comedy. Yeah, give it a try. One time, just when you see that world, where's I want to be around? It's Monday.

What the fuck's going on here today? Get up, drink some coffee, take an Alfa brand, do some push-ups, do what you need to do. It's Monday. You wrote your goals, right? Absolutely. What the fuck? You been swimming lately?

I have to work all day, but so I'm swimming in my mind. But I am eating better. I'm trying that. So I want to be around. A little something for my mom today, for the ladies in the world. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody is twice as smart as I am.

What are you laughing about? Somebody tweeted at me this morning to look at the comments on this video. All of them are about the church and some Tony Bennett fans are getting mad. Because people are saying like Momo and Cox Hucker and some of them are getting mad. What are you doing?

We're taking all of this shit. LSD. Fucking tremendous. That's awesome. So I was talking after the show on Saturday. And a lot of people always talk to me, but oh, you're so lucky. And I am lucky to be doing this. But I was thinking about it after the show.

Two and a half years ago, before we met, I applied to Best Buy and a pizza place. Because I wasn't making enough money to support myself. And neither of them got back to me. Like I was doing that math you do where you're like, all right. I get paid next Friday. I have 80 bucks to make it through the next week. And I'm not in a place where I can call my parents.

I mean, I could, but they don't really have the money to give me. And the day I met you, I had to cancel an interview at a telemarketing place. And we met, and we started doing the math flavor videos. And he gave me like 100 bucks a week. And that was everything. Because 100 bucks a week on tax, it makes everything. But it was crazy to think like two and a half years later,

we're doing this. And I was telling the girl I was with. And it was like, I hadn't thought about it for a while. But I had forgotten. I was trying to be a pizza delivery guy at night after work two years ago. And it's crazy how time flies. And it was crazy going like, because they treated me nice

at the comedy club. And they gave me a table. And Tony Hinchcliffe was very nice. And it's crazy how that happens in such a short amount of time. We work hard. Yeah. We work hard, Lee. You know, when you're running with me, we run.

We run. When we did the video in New York, I could see there was times you were scratching your head going, what the fuck? I just want to go back to a pizza place. I don't think I want to do this. But I knew you were a tough kid. I knew that you, something about you had heart.

I can tell. You had a little bit of heart. Your videos were great. We went from no visibility to fucking, wow, cats. People getting insulted at Target and fucking. It went something. Then we took a chance at a documentary. Listen, there's a corny thing.

Luck is opportunity meets something, isn't it? Something like that. In this case, it really, it was the same for me, Lee. Two and a half years ago, I didn't know what I was doing. I had no fucking idea. I was doing a podcast. Everybody was new to a podcast. The thing is that I want people to understand

is that we took a chance. And I want you to fucking take a chance every day, man. Who gives a fuck? You fail? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? It's if you don't do something when you have a fucking problem. It's when you don't fucking try that you have a problem.

But you're going to fail thousands fucking times. I'm 50. I was trying to see the way we think. I was rocking and rolling 10 years ago. But I remember starting to do comedy and selling cars. Selling fucking cars, getting up at 7 in the morning after you just got home at 12, 30 at night. One in the morning, going home.

And then there used to be a publication. It was made out of San Francisco. John Fox and his wife used to make a magazine. And I got no reason to lie to people. I got no fucking reason to lie to people about this shit. And there was articles about comedians. And in the back, they had the guide to all the clubs in the country with their phone numbers,

like state by state, Alabama, Arkansas, Alaska, fucking they had them all in order. And you looked at these clubs and I would go and get, I would go to these places and bomb at night. Lee, I would go to Denver in 95, 94 when I came back from New Jersey to Denver. And I had basically 12 minutes and I had been doing comedy for four years and wasting my fucking time, wasting my time.

And I really, really got involved with it. Like I really put my mind to it. And I was starting to see little results. Like I was doing nine minutes, one night, 11 minutes. But I was out every night, Lee. So I had to get up in the morning, sell cars, the 104th Street and Thornton. This is in Colorado.

And then at night, do comedy. In the midst of all this, that testicle testament, I wanted to kill my wife. And all that anger was going through my fucking heart. I was doing that too. So it wasn't like a happy go lucky time. Like, oh my God, let's go do comedy. It was driving to a gig crying because I want to kill my wife

because she won't let me see my daughter. Not having any fucking dough. Like not having any fucking dough, scamming still. You said you'd go to shows because they gave you free dinner. They gave you free dinner. El Torrito gave you free dinner. How many places gave you a free coupon? They gave me appetizers.

You knew you could wheel and deal. Like, bro, listen, I got this coat coming in. Let me give you 50 bucks. Now I had a week to play with your 50 bucks. I knew I could wheel and deal to get tomorrow's meal because I had to pick up Jackie the next day and I had no money. I mean, that's a complete different fucking savage.

There's people who do comedy who got regular jobs and they get out at night and they got money in the bank. But then there's people, a lot of comics go through it, that they have a day job and one day they go fuck it. The only way to get better at comedy is to take the safety net out and to hang there like fucking Marcel Marceau on a fucking string with a bicycle.

You know, and that's how you get good when you take a chance. Anybody could do comedy and have a fucking job. You know, I have a thousand friends that will never get to that next level because they always hold on to a job. That's it, that means you have no confidence. I love you to death, I love what you're doing,

but that next level, that next fucking dive when your commitment is shown on stage and that's what I'm talking about Duncan. Duncan and me have nothing to get along about. Duncan and me have two things in common. I love for drugs and seeing the fucking devil and I love for taking chances. I love for going on stage and doing something different.

You know, him especially, a fucking doll, what was the guy's name? Is it a little hobo? Little hobo doing wish you were here moving his fucking mouth. And some people are joining in laughing and some people like me are going, what the fuck's going on?

You know, in the back of my mind, I was doing blow, so that was my love for Duncan. Then I found out he had heart. The kid's all heart. Oh yeah, he's just very nice. The kid's down, the kid's down. Duncan, Marcel is down. I don't like to hang out with no one who ain't down.

He's down, that's the same thing you had. Man, we can't describe the ride, the people that we've had. People would never believe it. And I had a great time doing Beauty and the Beast with Felicia Michaels. We just weren't pushing that round. That's all it was. We just weren't pushing that round.

Just wasn't getting there. That happens sometimes, you know? And this came along and this is exactly what the fuck I like, craziness. This is crazy, this is why I could talk. I've never had this, nobody ever had this. This is the luckiest thing we've ever had in my life. And they throw us in jail, Lee.

What are we gonna do? They throw us in fucking jail. I can't say that I wanna eat Obama's wife's asshole. I can't say that, you're gonna throw me in fucking jail. Throw me in fucking jail, but that's all what this is about. This is the best thing that ever happened to this country. This letting little people know that they still have a fucking voice.

I don't care if I was a fucking gazillionaire on a TV show, I'd still be doing this. Because I would never want people to confuse my fucking character with who the fuck I'm talking about here. I never want people to get away from this. I'm never gonna change from this. I'm gonna give a fuck what you give me. This is who the fuck we are.

And nobody ever, people get $3 in their pocket, or else they gotta live up to what the fuck they're supposed to be. Are we work, Lee? We work, Lee. We work, Lee. You know you call me at all hours of the day and I'm on a desk.

You know what I'm saying? If I'm not on a desk, I'm holding a fucking baby, taking an ear beating from my wife, which I don't mind. But that's what life is about. When have you called me? I'm in a bar jumping up and down. Tell the truth. Never.

In two, three years. You ever call me? I'm in a bar jumping up and down. I'm here with my friend, and nothing happens in a bar when you're jumping up and down, though. You want a bar to pick up a freak, stab a motherfucker, and that's it. You're jumping up and down with your buddies

on a Friday and Saturday, you're wasting your fucking time. Look at me, there was a band. They were rockin'. I don't give a fuck, all right? I got albums at the house. I got albums at the house, cock sucker. Oh, it's terrible. The fuck?

We actually never talked about this. What did you, when I wrote to you, I mean, maybe, I think until the CD happened, it might not have seemed real, but what did you expect to happen? One of the biggest problems people have is they think they can do everything on their own. They think they can fucking control the world.

I fucking hate Sammy de Buogavano, but in one of his books, he wrote a great chapter about, you could do so much on your own, but someday you gotta join somebody. You could do so much on your own, and someday you could do, I was stuck. I was, I could write blogs, I could write, I could write comedy, I could do so many things,

but I was horrible with the camera and the editing and the computer stuff. And I knew that for me to grow, I needed people to look inside me. I needed people to see me goin' to the vet and see me goin' to acupuncture and see me goin' to the weed store, and now we understand each other.

I'm on stage talkin' some nonsense, because I didn't even know what I was talkin' about on stage. When I came out here, it was different, it was different for me. Now I understand comedy more, but I always knew it was like 24-7, that once people seein' behind the fuckin' doors in my house and me talkin' to my wife

and me fuckin' around with you, that we were gonna get this party started. I was right, because that's what it's about. That's why I never sent comedy tapes to nobody. For years, bookers would always, there was a fuckin' guy in Houston, Texas, named Mark Babbitt, who thought he was the end all be all. He was very good at bookin' comedy,

but like everything else in this business that went through his head. He thought he was fuckin' the guy from San Francisco, bookin' big shows, but he was borrowin' from Peter to pay poor. But he had this power thing, like a lot of these fuckin' douchebags havin' comedy at these clubs,

in the small level, and I'm tellin' you guys, now at 50, and now after doin' comedy for 20 years, all that shit with the little clubs and the little level, it doesn't matter. Those people don't fuckin' matter. They come on to you like they matter, and they know about comedy, and if you don't do it their way,

you're not gonna work ever again in their life. Those people, they knew it, they wouldn't be fuckin' stuck in some bum-fuck-fuckin' town, managing a comedy club. And I seen it a thousand times, where I told these guys to suck my dick, and they actually raised their hands to me like, oh yeah, you'll never work again,

bitch, here I am, and where the fuck are you, motherfucker? That sparked this numb-body respect, right? So Mark Babbitt told Freddie Soto, God bless his soul, that he wanted to hire me, but he wanted to see a tape. And I'm like, Freddie, I didn't see any guy in tape. Why not? Just, I'm not sending any tape. You wanna hire me, what's the problem?

What's the drama? What's the fuckin' drama? But every guy that you give three dollars to, he thinks he's a manager or something, he's gotta get that lick on you. Guess what I did? What? I sent him a tape, a blank tape.

Really? And he hired me. He told me the tape was great. Wasn't about watching the tape, guys. It was about me sending the tape, the power thing. You don't know how many comedy clubs I've called, and they said, yeah, we'll hire you. They know who the fuck I am.

Send the tape. You're never gonna get that tape. Then they would call me back and go, where's the tape? And I'd say I'm not sending it. Then eventually they'd hire me. He sent a blank tape. Black fuckin' tape.

Oh, it was great, I loved it. And I did it here in Hollywood. A lot of people in Hollywood, we wanna put together a CD for comedy once they send a tape. All right, I send you a blank fuckin' tape. Chelsea Handler used to send her a standing up, and then at the end,

her gettin' fucked on a washing machine. Remember a couple years ago, they tried the blackmailer? No. And some club owner started like, oh, she put it on mistake. No, she didn't make no mistake. You fuckin' idiot, that's why she's on it.

Because she's got a mind. So on her comedy tape at the end, she put her sex video? She had like a little tape of her gettin' fucked on a washing machine. So the guy that edited it thought that she had left it on there by mistake, and she knew what she was doin' the whole time.

She was sending that tape out across the comedy clubs. Jesus. I've got one for you. Then you wonder why the girl's workin' on me. Not because she did a blow job, because somewhere in her mind, she became that fuckin' creative and overlooked the conversation.

It's brilliant. Sometimes you gotta do that, but that's the power move people. Don't ever get caught. Tom, the suck your dick. Believe in what you believe in. And he gave me the weekend with Bobby Slaton. That's how I met Bobby Slaton in Houston, Texas

after I sent him the book. This went on for a year and a half. I wouldn't send the tape. Really? I fired a manager over it. You gotta send him a tape, Joe. It's professional. I ain't sendin' this shit.

That's hysterical. He knows I'm funny. What fuckin' send? I actually did that the last week at work. I had this guy that I was workin' with. Fuckin', I'll tell him. One second. Get together, cunt sucker.

Is the phone ringing? No. I'm supposed to have it yesterday. We will. It's only 6 to 40. So quickly I had some guy I was workin' with who just wasn't cutting it. Like, you've done this a lot.

You've changed managers and stuff. This guy I was workin' with at night who just wasn't doin' his work at night. And after four weeks of work and it was getting worse. And I went into my boss on Thursday and I said, either it's his last night or it's my last night. And they finally fired the night guy. And I was nervous about it.

I was stressed about it. His job here now? Yeah. They did fire him? Yeah. You're fuckin' pimply. I had to. I mean, he was fuckin' me up there on the day.

He's a nice guy. But you just can't be nice and do a shitty job. Like, I was actually thinkin' about that. Cause you've changed agents and stuff. And like, I felt bad. Like, I felt bad. Cause I mean, he's not working right now or maybe he found another gig.

But it's kind of a weird thing to do that to somebody. Listen, man, business is business. Yeah. You know? Business is fuckin' business. Maybe you made his wake up call indirect. Maybe that guy was goin' through something that you made his business call indirect.

You know what I'm sayin'? Maybe he was slippin'. He needed to get fired. Sometimes you gotta make a move. And I hate it too. I fuckin' hate it too. I hate working with people and find out they're duds. Nothing worse than that.

Nothing worse than people. Listen, there's certain people who could work together and they could be opposites like a relationship. You know what I'm sayin'? Maybe you're the hustler and you cover something. But there's some people that just don't wanna do dick. Yeah. They don't wanna do dick, man.

They wanna argue with you. And that's one thing I will not fuckin' tolerate. I'm not gonna argue with nobody. I'm gonna argue with my fuckin' wife. This is the way you do it. You know, one of the biggest lessons I got I worked with these Jewish people. And I was a telemarketer for them.

And they really fuckin' sat me straight. I remember him goin', oh yeah, by the way, we're workin' Christmas day. Jesus was a fuckin' Jew. That was how he told you. You were workin' Christmas day. Jesus was a fuckin' Jew. But he used to say this is how it needs to be done.

If you can't do it that way, we'll shake hands and we'll part friends and I'll buy you a drink next time I see you and I will not hold it against you. But this is how these things need to be done. There's people that wanna come and, well, you know, my social media guy, listen, your social media guy gets paid by the fuckin' hour. I'm telling you, I know this shit,

and whether it's social media, I'm just sayin' social media, I'm sorry. But it's different people and every type of lover, you people have them in your day jobs. You people have people in your, people listen to this podcast. You know who I'm talkin' about? You got the guy across from you in a fuckin' cubicle

that can't work the fuckin' printer. There's always somethin' there and you gotta carry the fuckin' slack. And you know what, you do it because maybe they're goin' through somethin'. Maybe they're goin' through a divorce, they lost a wife, who knows? But one day you get fed up because

you're a fuckin' American, you gotta work. You get up at eight to five, you gotta work. One thing I always had was fuckin' work ethic. As a little guy, I had it. And cause my mom owned a bar, but she would still make me go up there. When I was five, I was cleaning out the period box in the woman's bathroom with no gloves on.

Okay, there wasn't like gloves, then you put little gloves on and you clean the toilet. There were the fuckin' dish gloves to do dishes that smelled like your mother's asshole. You ever smell the inside of a fuckin' dish glove? They're fuckin' awful, so, or you could put your hand in the water and scrub that fuckin' toilet

and the urine only had to put ice on it. I did all that shit. And at five, my mother broke me. They broke my fuckin' spirit. The first time she goes, go in that little box next to the woman's toilet, there's money in there. I stuck my hand there and ripped out a cotton ball

filled with blood. I nearly fuckin' died, dog, you understand me? You fuckin' understand? And then she used to make me mop. She used to make me vacuum. She used to make me do windows. I remember a vacuum. She used to call me slave in Spanish.

It clow. You know what that's fuckin' like? Really? Yeah, man. You gotta work. You gotta get it because if not, nobody's gonna do it for you. There just comes a point when you wake up

and you're gonna do this right. I've been fuckin' around for so fuckin' long. You know, nothing bothers me more when somebody sweeps and they don't sweep the corner. Or they don't move a box or they don't pick up the printer when you're dusting. Pick up the fuckin' printer and dust underneath, you fuck. You know, my shit's immaculate.

I like that, but that's me. I know how to clean. I know how to get under things. There's people who fuckin' live around the mess. Yeah. I've had a DVD box out just because it's a DVD box and every time it comes in, it pisses you off. Which one?

The DVD box. Oh yeah, it's just laying there. Pick the fuckin' thing up. Three months, it's there. What do you do? You show it to people, you whack off on it. Pick the fuckin' thing up. It's just a DVD box.

Oh, that kills me. Every time it comes in, he looks at it, shakes his head. You know, last night, I was watching something that was very interesting. I did the emails and I wrote a little bit. And I wanted to put ice on my fuckin' toe. You know, it doesn't hurt as much anymore as much as it was hurtin'.

I mean, it's still a nagging fuckin' pain. So I put my foot up and I put ice on it and I was watching TV and I was about to watch Dexter. I had it taped. And it was inside the American Mafia on John Gotti. Oh cool. And it was just the ins and outs of John Gotti. And you know, people were not in that world

and I didn't know John, I didn't know of him. You know, I just read about him and heard the stories once I got to Colorado. I know he shot Paul Costellano. Then when I went back to New York in 93, I knew people who he knew, whatever was. Yeah. I didn't know the fuckin' guy, I didn't know nothing about him.

So I'm watching this lesson. I'm just killin' time. You know, when you're stoned and you're just goin' through the channels, I didn't feel like getting into a movie, I taped Son's Anarchy last Wednesday, I didn't feel like gettin' into that. I taped The Honeymooners at 1.30 every night and they're a half hour.

But I didn't think I had a half hour. So I just said, let me just watch what they're pushing, you know? And I'm lookin' at this Gotti guy and I gotta tell you somethin'. I don't like what he did. I don't like what he did. You know, on the other side of it,

he was just too flashy, I don't believe in all that flash and shit, I understand that world because my stepdad lived in that world. But one thing Gotti had that I really admired was Hart and when he did something, he did it all the way. That Paul Costellano hit was something of, have you ever go to New York? Take a cab to Sparks Steakhouse.

Just take a cab and go in front of Sparks Steakhouse or turn around and look at the street. Look at the floor, look at the street, how big it is. This guy killed two people in broad daylight, at 5.30 at night, six o'clock at night and made a statement. He was 45 years old when he did it. He made a statement.

Usually when you do something, you do something and we have to argue about it. He made such a statement that he walked into the house and said, hey, I'm the new boss, we got a problem. And you sit there and said, no, what is the fucking problem? What could possibly be the fucking problem? And he just did that. He took over a $12 million a year empty prize, cash.

Just by killing those two people? Just by killing those two people, just took over it. He went, he got like three guys and he said, this is what we're doing. We're gonna shoot this motherfucker a week before Christmas and then we're taking over this motherfucker and we're gonna sell more heroin that's ever been done. What happened was the bosses were selling heroin

and they didn't want anybody to be selling heroin because that's their trade. The profit on heroin is huge. You could buy a kilo and 10 times that. So let's say you buy a kilo for 50 fucking grand, you could walk out of it with $400,000 by cutting it 18 times and selling it to Spanish people and black people and all those markets in Harlem

and having it, even if you make the guy a partner and give him $100,000, you still walk out of it, $300,000 and you don't do shit and you're walking around going, this is part of Gambino money. So you fuck with me. You're gonna get a bunch of Italians coming at you. So it's like stealing with no fucking.

It's like stealing, you know? That's crazy. So he was selling heroin to keep doing what you're doing. Yeah, you're a long shark and you fucking take numbers. That's what you let people think, but your main business is age. I didn't know that the mom is main business. I never even, like you never really think about it.

Like you see them like all the movies, but so the main thing they did was sell drugs. H, heroin. The bananas were all about heroin. They got it from Montreal and then everybody else jumped in on it. But everybody else wasn't supposed to be a heroin salesman. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

So I'm not supposed to be a heroin salesman. I'm supposed to be a bookie, but deep down inside I'm lending out money at points to heroin dealers. So I'll give them $50,000 and they give me back $60,000 in two days. I'm still, you follow me, there's different ways to do things.

I could be a drug dealer and just invest in three Puerto Ricans. Just say, come here, I got the guy for you. This is what you're gonna get, this is what I'm gonna get, but we're gonna sell in volume. And I'm gonna be at home picking up envelopes. So when they found out Gotti was selling heroin,

they're like, this motherfucker is jumping up on our trade. You know, they wanted to make money, but they didn't want anybody else to make money. Yeah. Geez. They started talking about it, you know, because everybody knows that the captains bring the envelopes to you.

You don't know what those envelopes are about. I can just tell you, nah, I did a real estate deal. I just sold 10 pounds of heroin. You don't know that. By you accepting that money, you become part of the Rico. So you become, make sure you're a drug dealer. That's what the Rico thing is about,

to charge the street soldier all the way up to the highest guy in the enterprise. That's what the Rico Act is about. Mm-hmm. So that's what happened. They went after John Gotti, they were gonna kill John Gotti before John Gotti got killed.

He put together three guys, he put together another four or five shooters, dressed them up like Russians. Okay. Put them outside of the sparks, and McCoslamo pulled up with his bodyguard. When he got out of the car, they just started fucking blasting

and then walked away into the Christmas shuffle. It was dark, 536, you know, thousands of people on the Lower East Side, and they just walked away until the night. It was one of the most perfect hits of all time. Wow. When you're gonna do something in front of their fucking face,

don't creep around and do it, they're gonna do it in their house and sneak into the house, fuck that. They just shot this motherfucker. They just said, fuck it. We'll just shoot this guy in the middle of the street and then we'll take over the organization. Then he fucked it up.

Then he started talking shit and he went on tape and he ruined it himself and Sammy the Bull, they blamed it on him, but it was Gotti at the end of the row. That's great. Were they talking about Whitey Bulger and Boston when you were there at all? Cause I haven't been back,

so I don't know what's going on there. That is the biggest waste of time ever in my life that I've heard. I'm a three-year-old. Yeah. So what do you think they should do? You know what that trial is costing? Millions.

Millions, for what? For what? This was one of the worst fucking things of all time. He was shooting people, but he was a fucking informant for the FBI. The FBI could say all and all that and we don't know what his activities were, we don't know what they were doing.

They know what he was fucking doing. He was working for the FBI, he was doubling up. It happens. It happens all the fucking time, you know? It happens all the fucking time. I seen that the lowest levels, you know? Cops would come over and talk to me. You always have to have a cop as a friend.

They give you shit, you give them shit. You're not really a rat, but you're talking about who's moving against you. If I go to a club one night, at least I had comes up to me with three of his fucking Puerto Rican friends with these muscles up on me. I got two options.

I could fight this dude, or the next time I see my cousin as a cop, I'm gonna let them know to shake these motherfuckers. Just pull them over one night and take that coke, smack them around a little bit. Yeah. And they all make money, shake them down. Was that a big thing for you being a rat?

Cause like, I watched a bunch of interviews with people on the street in Boston, and a bunch of the Celtic people were like he got what he deserved to as a rat. Who? Bolger. They knew it while he was doing it. No, no, I understand.

I'm saying that people in Boston didn't like it. Like, was that a big thing for you, like not ratting? Listen, I'm not into all that mafia movies and stuff like that, cause sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. But I'm not in the business of it. I'm not in the fucking business of it, and I never planned on being it.

That's just me, that's how I was raised. Yeah. You know, I didn't understand that. You know, Cat Williams makes a point that when you grow up, your mama tells you don't tattle. That's it. And it got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.

And there's been situations at the comedy store where something happened and the cops called me later on. I didn't tattle. I wouldn't ever even, I don't know nothing. Till this day, I don't know fucking nothing. You know, all those years when I got arrested, I didn't say nothing. And I remember in Boulder,

they tried to fucking fuck with me. Two people tried to fuck with me, the local police. I forget what the guy's name was. The guy that arrested me was Seeper, but his partner, the brunette guy, was trying to fuck with me. And what do you mean fuck with you? You know, talk to me.

Let me know if you could help us. We could talk to the judge, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's what the guy who got arrested with you did, right? The guy that got arrested with me, not Vella, Tidwell. That's what I'm saying. Tidwell became a rat. And he still got 10 years.

Really? He got 10 years. Wow. He turns evidence against me. They wanted two against one. So that's what I mean. He just ratted on me, that it was my idea. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

You know, I played it from the other end. You know, what a lot of people don't know is that morning, before I did the kidnapping, the kidnapping, I did it at 11 o'clock. But that morning at nine, I got these teeth filled. I got a bunch of teeth filled. And the doctor gave me medication and he put me under that gas.

And the fucking attorneys wanted to argue that that was why I kidnapped the guy. I didn't kidnap. I could have taken that defense. You know, I'm not the type of guy, I can't lie like that. It wasn't in me to lie like that. Even though they came back to me the first time with nine fucking years.

I knew, I thought about what I had done and what I had said that day. And I knew that what they made it to be and what I did was two different fucking things. And in my mind, the guy was a fucking drug dealer. That's why I fucking took him and kidnapped him. But it's not what it was. He was a human being.

And that's why I fucked up. And he has rules and I had rules. Oh, they didn't call him that. Oh, shit. It's my little brother, Salubotts. What's happening, brother? Not good, man, I almost got you. Long time, Salubotts.

You know, this inside the American mob came on a couple of weeks ago. I lost him. Let's see if he calls back. So yeah, so what we're waiting, you were saying? You know, and that's why I fucked up. Like I let the cocaine addiction talk me into robbing this guy, like somewhere in my mind, I was that warped.

But during the kidnapping, I saw the realism of the situation. Yeah. I saw how real it was. I saw that there was gonna be guns involved. And I never forget that I had a gun in the trunk. I had this old gun in the trunk that I had had from Colorado that I had brought down with me that I really wasn't taking care of anymore.

I wasn't, I wasn't oiling it or greasing it. Like you supposed to take the bullets out. And I just had it. And I didn't know if it was even gonna work or whatever. And I took it with me. I always had it in the trunk of a car. Cause in those days I sold cars. So the cars weren't mine.

So I put the gun in there. And if I got pulled over, I don't know who's fucking gun it is. Why are you blaming me? I'm just driving the fucking car. You understand me? That's how crazy I was at the time. And I had this gun.

And that day when I went to kidnap Bella, I had that gun. I don't even forget that when I found out that Tidwell had double crossed me, like tried to rob me. Telling me that that's not what was at the house. I walked left there and I was hurt like this. Like I had never encountered this. Like that was the first time at the age of 25 that somebody that I was a partner with

and I was robbing with was double crossing me. And this is what I get for robbing with somebody out of my neighborhood. This is what I get. Hey brother, what's happening? Yeah, yeah, try me on the other line. Try me on the 818. All right, thanks.

So do you understand me? I mean, this is, I had never been through that before. Now I had a good friend, Darren Rago, God bless his soul and Joey Falado and Darren knew a bunch of people. But I didn't have the money to fly him out. And at the time they were like, dog, if we could do it, we'll do it in a week. I'm doing something else.

So I didn't have time. You know, my big mistake was leave between me and you being a pussy and not taking this guy down myself. See, that was my biggest mistake. I had done that before. I know how to double cross people and I don't like it. Yeah.

I didn't like it. This is amazing, we're getting on this conversation. About two months. I gotta finish the story. No. Sal, what's happening brother? Hey, how are you? Good man, I know that you got bad reception, everything.

I just wanted to say that ever since the show inside the American mob came on, people have been hitting me up. I mean, people really liked when you came on the podcast the two times for me and they wanted me to get you back on and talk or ask you questions and shit like that. How you been beside that brother?

Good, good. I'm going tomorrow to New York. I want to do the Charlie Rose Morning Show. Okay. And you still, how's the book going? Yeah, the book's selling well. We're going to have a paperback January. So we're busy.

You looked beautiful last night on television, by the way. Oh, you saw her last night? Yeah, yeah, for the first time, Sal, I tape them, I fly back on Saturday, on Sundays. So Sunday nights, I'm answering emails, I'm doing this, but last night I caught the 10 o'clock one. The inside John Gotti, and I was telling the people at home about John Gotti

and what I liked and didn't like. What'd you think of that last night? I didn't see it. You know, I never look at the damn thing. Well, you and the one guy are very interesting on the show. I gotta be honest with you. It was, you know, I went back there in January and did two days of interviews.

They took me to a Brooklyn Navy yard and they just sat me in front of a camera for two days. And, you know, we interviewed for hours and hours and hours. And then when they do the show, you know, you never know what the hell they're going to use, but they use, you know, 20 seconds here, 20 seconds there. What was interesting, I had met Michael Francis in 1975. We didn't see each other since 1975.

And then when we hooked up a couple of weeks ago, we did all the promotions and we laughed about, you know, all kinds of stuff. Because his father and my uncle went to jail together. Now his father was Sonny, correct? Yeah. Like the music. Now isn't there a story that he told fucking,

what's the music mogul? What's the big black music mogul today that everybody's scared of from death row records? Oh yeah. I don't know the whole. Yeah, yeah. That he told him to shut the fuck up one day or something. That's because Sonny was in part of the music thing.

But anyway, it was interesting last night because they just went through the career of Gotti and all the cases. And they had Cutler talking about you and you talking about Cutler and stuff like that. It's, you know, every morning when you get up, you kiss the fucking floor, Sal. Oh, I feel like I'm lucky to even be here.

Oh my God, Sal. It's amazing. I'm thinking about that as I'm going to bed last night that all those people are gone and they all died in fucking horrible ways. Their lives all ended in terrible fucking ways. And you got out, had a family, had two beautiful boys that are successful now and just...

Everything happens for a reason, Sal. And I'm not mad at you, you know? What the fuck? You know, it's like what you sow is what you reap. I mean, that's just the way life is. What's next, brother? We're writing any scripts. What's the story?

Tell me something good. Just chilling out. I might do the show. I've been watching some stuff and somebody wants me to do some comedy standup about the old life. I don't know, I might write something like that. I don't know, maybe we get a chance.

We should do what you and I should do, stand up together, talking about the old life. What it was like in New York. I tell you, Sal, I would love to fucking sit with you and help you write. I would love it because I couldn't do what you do. I wasn't in that deep or nothing. I was a stupid drug guy,

but I would love to help you. So I think you're a funny guy off the fucking cuff. To be honest, you got the face. You're beautiful. We'd probably do a comedic take on drugs because you know, the drug policy sucks. Legitimately, it's a terrible situation. Finally, Obama and Holger released information last week

they're gonna stop cutting the sentences. Well, we have so many stories, your stories, my stories about drugs and how funny it is and why the government wants to put their nose in people's personal business. You want to do a drug, it should be your business. So we probably should sit down, we could probably write a little monologue

and it would be fun. You still hanging out with the lady helping you to one man show and stuff? You still trying to put that together? No, I just moved away from that, I left it alone. I might do that again. I got a new manager, so he's getting me out doing speaking engagements.

Okay, that always works out as a living. Michael Frances has been doing it for fucking years. Yeah. He goes to colleges and talks about that. He became a born again though, correct? Yeah, yeah, he's a born again guy, yeah, that's cool. He's a nice guy, he's a nice guy. He's got a son that's a baseball player,

nice family, he's a good guy. You know man, Sal, it's really weird that you're older than I am and I'm 50 and it's weird how people make mistakes when they're young. Oh shit, man, I wish I could tell every 50 year old you should be starting your life over today. If you hit 50, start over today. Re-event yourself, man.

It's amazing that people are reinventing themselves at 50. Look at me, I'm walking around with a seven month old girl. Seven months, Sal. This is new life in my house. I didn't even know I had sperm left. You know, and all of a sudden she's beautiful. My wife is happy. I've never made anybody happy in my life like this,

so it happened at 50. You got little baby. Yeah, little baby girl, Sal. See, that's what I did. I was 49, I had a little girl. My daughter just turned 20 the other day. Jesus Christ, God bless you, Sal. And it's beautiful.

Yeah, it's amazing, you know, she was in that movie with us. But you know what? You hear you all with a little girl, you have a completely different view on life, Joey. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. It doesn't matter anymore. She's all that matters.

I'm getting a second chance, Sal. I'm getting a second chance. Maybe we should do that. We should talk about hitting 50 and having a second chance. I bet you people would love it. You know, Sal, the biggest problem in this country right now is people can't believe that Doug Dynasty broke every fucking record in the book last week.

Did you see it? Do you know what's going on with these fucking mooks? Do you ever watch the show? Sal, the show is great. The show is, it's creepy and great and it's got so many aspects of it. But it even broke the Sopranos cable record. Like it broke and fucked everybody up.

But you know why, Sal? Do you know why? Because at the end, Sal, they say a prayer together. They all eat and as they're passing mashed potatoes, they say a prayer. They're a family. 30 years ago, what was the hot show? The fucking Waltons.

Why was the Waltons hot? Because old man Walton got water? No, because at the end of the show, it was a family. They reminded America about being a family. Good night, Billie Jean. Good night, cocksucker. Good night, Papa Joe. Get, you know, when I never had a family, Sal.

I never had a family, Sal. Why did- Yeah, let's do something our family, you and I. We can do a comedic take-out, but it would be more than comedy. It would be reality. It's reality. Look at the family that was given to me

after my mother died. I was mixed with Italians and Irish, who in reality say the word speck more on anybody. They love me, Sal. I made, Guineas and Irish love me, Sal, for be being me. When was the last time, when was the last time an Italian brought a Cuban home instead of staying with us?

That's your bedroom. That's your fucking bedroom. That was the Italians in 1970. As much shit as they talked, they brought me into their homes and they gave me brazol and they fucking fed me and, you know. Wow.

So let's write something on family, brother. That's amazing, sir. You ever write a script about that? I'm trying. I'm in the process. But, you know, it's too much like Bronx Tale. It's too much like that. It would sound like that, but it's the truth.

What really happened, Sal, was they had four boys and the one boy died. And I looked like him and I was always with him. So I filled in and then my mother died. So now they filled in for me. It was a beautiful fucking thing. Until this week, until this day, I still talk to Carmine every week.

I call him every week. He's 70-something years old. But that's not like Bronx Tale. Your story is a drama. You know, a real story with real names. Bronx Tale was fictionalized by palm material. You know, your story, your host. Oh, he's gone.

I lost the call. I don't know if I lost that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Do you want me to wait for him to call back? Whatever. What do you want to do to him? Let me give him some shout-outs real quick. There's some beautiful fucking people.

Yeah. Daniel Toon, Steve, happy birthday, Cecilia. Wants to lick your nuts. Salamander. Yeah, so you know that you have a unique story. You should write the script, Joey. Okay. I'm thinking about it.

I've been thinking about it for a long time. I still talk to him. I still talk to two of the four boys. Yeah. It's not difficult to do it in the middle of 20 years. You sit down and you write your outline. You could almost verbally dictate the outline. In one or two hours, you have an outline, just broad strokes.

And you go back and you start writing the script. It's a good story, man. You want to get together next week and talk about it? Yeah, call me next week. I'll be back Friday for call me the other week. And we'll talk, maybe we can meet. And you could do a little outline. I hope you do the outline.

It's easy. My son, Martin, you know, got a real raging bull. That's how I learned how to do it with him, you know? I'd appreciate it, Sal. I'll give you a call next Sunday for sure. Sal, I want to congratulate you. You're always, you're a fucking, the last of the real survivors.

You're always eating out of the living. I love you, Doug. You're the last. And you got a great story. And I hope people buy your book. What's the name of the book? Sonata course. Oh, so it's the movie.

Okay. All right. No, and I was in the movie. You still hit me up twice a week. Hey, we saw you in the Cyanontra Club. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's an amazing thing for you, Sal.

I was watching you last night. I'm seeing all those guys who at the time thought they had the life. Look at half of them are dead. Sal Regirio, Eddie Lino. You know, what a way to live your fucking life, man. Like a shooting star, man. You know?

Have a great day. Thank you for calling. I'm a part of the church. So what's happening now? You know, I love you, Sal. All right, talk soon. Thanks for the help. What do you think about that, Cox?

I love it. All right. Let me give some Cecilia, it was Steve's birthday. So Cecilia called me, said, give him a fucking shout out. Gregory Hart, Mitch Berger, Luna Valenti. I love you, Cox Sucker. Daryf and Michael Rosario and shit. And don't forget as usual, let me tell you something,

Cox. You don't want me to tell you? I broke my old time in political record. This week. Oh shit. 53 minutes. Really? I took three of those fucking shroom texts.

I couldn't stop. But the thing about shroom tech is, it don't kick in when you're starting something. It kicks in as you're doing it. Like you feel all, it's not like you just feel the wind go. And I'm gonna send you like, God damn, I'm ready to run the hell.

Listen, go to honor, press in fucking church, get 15% off. I tell you what the combination is I've been doing. I took the strong bone and I use it as a spilt as a, what is that a slit for my toe? I tie a string around it. I've been taking the strong bones. If I talk to Arby and I go,

I've been taking the fucking strong bones already. And I tell you what, my toe does feel a little bad. It's gonna take six to eight weeks, but I'm trying to give it all the help I can. Look at it, look, a strong bone came in for me. So it's helping me. I don't have that much pain. Go to honor.

They got a great combination. Get the protein powder, the strong bone, get that fucking shroom tech. If you need endurance, I'm telling you, I'm a fat fuck. Thank God my manager, Jiu-Jitsu class told me about it. I popped them and now I can't get fucking good. Anything I do, I go for a walk, I pop three shroom treks. Get those fucking mushroom popping, those red blood cells.

Are you kidding me or what? Yeah, someone I work with takes the new mood. He said that helps him sleep a lot. I'm telling you, in those fucking things, I'm almost out of the 15 day packages and I can feel the difference. I didn't take it this morning because I only had to,

I didn't even have a protein shake this morning. I just had two bananas, two motherfucking bananas. You know what I'm saying? Oh shit. And you were telling me today that Dollar Shave Club came and quickly there are so many things that irritate both of us, fucking people who aren't real,

fucking lines at the airport, whatever irritates you. There's so many things that irritate you in the world. Why would you let razors add to it? What we're saying is stop milking your razor blade. With name brand razors, you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start looking like a rusty soda can.

Let it go, it's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every month for just a few bucks. You can change your blades every week. Trust me, your face will love you for it. Joey uses it and you should too.

Join Dollar Shave Club, Shave Time, Shave Money. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Let me break it down for you, all right? Let me cut the shit for you because money talks and bullshit fucking walks, okay? Let's say you buy the eight pack of razor. It's like $9.99 or something like that, right?

Let's pretend, just generic. You buy like the cheap pack of razors. Let me tell you what you get from Dollar Shave Club. For fuck, you don't get this fucking joint. Let me tell you what you get from Dollar Shave Club. You get this fucking razor, okay? And it's not a, that's the real fucking thing. You can hit your girlfriend,

you can fucking blast her in the fucking head with this. You get four gorilla double blades, look at this shit, with the lubricant and the aloe to smoothen out your fucking thing. You get these one white fucking towelettes. You can wipe your ass, your face, your nose. You got coke rocks in your nose. And you get the shaved butter.

You know what you get that for? Nine fucking dollars. Nine dollars a month. You think about it, not that. You don't have to go to CVS. You don't have to do nothing. That shit, nine dollars a month. Now, for six dollars a month,

you get one razor a week and the fucking, you still get this. I'm not fucking with you. This thing is fucking solid. This ain't no hollow fucking thing that you could put a joint. Look, this is the real fucking deal. I ain't messing with you people.

Six dollars a month. You know what that comes out to? 72 fucking dollars a year. 72 dollars a fucking year and it comes to your door. You don't have to leave the house. Don't fuck around. Go to Dollar Shave Club right now. Put it, what do you put in the box?

Church, in the box. Why fuck around? Six dollars a month and then they got the one dollar a fucking month package. But you get like two razors and you get this. You don't get the towelettes. You don't get none. You want to walk around with a dirty ass for nine dollars.

You get the whole thing a month. Nine fucking dollars. So you know what that comes out to? That's 90 to 18. That's 108 for the fucking year. It comes right through your fucking door. And listen, I'm not saying you should do this today. Let's say you don't have the 108 a year.

Get the six dollar package. Fuck it. Do what I do. Rub soap on your face with like a toothbrush and shit. Get in there and the shower. Cause that's where you shave in the shower. Like not like a Puerto Rican.

I'm cold while you're talking to your girlfriend. It's ripping your fucking face apart. You get in the shower, turn that on hot. Let your pores open up. You get this razor and these fucking blades and I guarantee you'll be loving me. Even if you do the, do the six dollar package. Do the six dollar package for starters.

That's 72 fucking dollars a year. You're gonna love me for it. That's all I gotta tell these people. Number two, Hulu Plus. My wife's been fucking using it and she started watching Breaking Bad cause we watch the pilot and whenever she's watching Breaking Bad on Hulu Plus.

Again, I saw the lineup that she was showing me and what she watched for 799 a month guys. Are you fucking retarded? Why don't you go bang your fucking head off the door right now. 799 is what you fucking moron spend in parking. Trying to be cool with your fucking buddies like an asshole.

You think they give a fuck when you're 50 that you pay for parking. Get the 799, you get two weeks free. You go to huluplus.com, press Joey in the fucking box. Boom, two weeks for free. I'm giving you two on the arm. When was the last time you went to something and go, you know what?

I'm thinking of smoking your fucking reefer but I don't have no money. Give me two weeks for free, huh? Anybody do that? That's what you do when you run with me. I'm giving you two weeks for free. So you see what huluplus.com is about. Then after that, it's 799 and that's what your girlfriend's

ass just sound like when you smack that dirty fuck. You cock, suck, I'll smack that fucking dirty ass. huluplus.com, Dollar Shave Club, press Joey on it. Press whatever the fuck you wanna press. That's what I'm talking about. Church. What's up, dawg? It's Monday morning.

If you ain't fired up, turn the channel. Go watch Good Morning America with four broads scratching their pussy. I don't give a fuck. This is Mad Flavors World. This is the church of what's happening now with Lee Syat and Joey fucking Diaz blasting you off. I said today, you got two choices today.

You can either suck a cock or get your sock cucked. Which one are you doing today, you bad motherfuckers? You really would. What, what? You have a story to finish. What story? The story, you wrote it down. We were talking about the guy you robbed in Double Crossing.

Oh, I forgot I wrote Zebra. I don't know. How high am I? I don't even know why I wrote Zebra. The fuck is wrong with you, Joey? You know what Zebra is, man? Yeah, I don't know why. Zebra.

Maybe people are hiding or something? I don't fucking know. Yeah, it was Double Crossing and you should have taken them down by yourself. No, no, I should have taken them down by myself but I was a pussy. I wasn't confident. I was on a coke.

I was 25. Now, I had taken people down by myself before. I had jumped out of a bush before and taken people down with a stick or something. This guy would have had to take them down with a gun. I would have had a time up by myself. There was a lot more steps. I wasn't patient.

I went and I recruited this fucking half of a fucking idiot and he caved on me. He fucking caved on me. And he didn't testify on everybody else. He just sat across from me and testified. And then years later, he tried denying. I'm like, guy, you were a fucking trustee with a violent felony.

You can't be a boulder trustee if you have a violent file. I wasn't no fucking trustee. He was a trustee. That means that you mop and they'll lie out of the cell and you eat double the fucking food. So if you didn't fucking rat on me, how come you're a fucking trustee? I bumped into him years later.

I didn't rat on you in the system. I didn't rat the fuck out of my face. Why am I gonna do smack and whatever? So you can rat on me again? That's the dumbest fucking thing. Yeah, but it, oh. But two months ago, I was watching something on Twitter. Joe Rogan had put, and I discussed this before.

I never told this story before, but I'm gonna say it now just so you people know it. I had watched this video by Joe Rogan about a zebra getting attacked by alligators. And you could hear the zebra cry for his life. And I turned the fucking thing off and I was two minutes from calling Joe and going, don't put a video like that ever on again.

Because it's not good to hear somebody beg for their fucking life. Okay, it's not good to people beg for their fucking life. And I don't care if I get arrested for this 20 years later, I'm still not gonna tell you the names. Well, that was about 15. And that's why I, when I read the Sam and the Bull Gravano book, I enjoyed the book so much

because I understood where he was coming from. He was the type of guy Sam and the Bull that would hang out with Lee for 10 years. Eat with Lee, eat with you, Lee. Have you over my baptism, have you over my house? And one day over a money agreement, he would call you up and go, Lee, come on, let's go smoke pot.

You're like, I don't wanna, I can't, I can't, I can't. And he'd talk you into getting in the car and makes you know he'd shoot you or he'd get you shot. He knew how to do that. That was his gift. Even if you knew, even if somebody called you and said, dog, the mafia's looking to shoot you. He was that strong.

He'd come over and go, Lee, come on, I got you. And right outside, they'd fucking hook you up. Well, guess who else had that gift? Me. I had that gift and I knew I had it and I didn't like it. I could double-cross anybody. I've done them, I've done people.

I've told people that if a thousand bucks are gonna join the mafia and not give them the money back, I've gone up to people. There was a guy who gave me three grand one time for weed and I had that strong a mouth for like a year. But if you're that stupid, you deserve to get robbed by me at that time.

You know what I'm saying? But I could double-cross you with the best of people. When I was a kid, I had a friend. He wasn't a best friend, he was just a friend. I knew him and he was kind of a fucking knucklehead. Did I know him well? Did I eat lunch at his house or shit? No, I just knew him.

He was an acquaintance. I was an acquaintance. And he talked shit about some girl one day. He talked a lot of shit about some girl. He shouldn't have. He sucked the tip. But he told everybody he fucked or whatever. I was in the eighth grade, you know?

But I was a year older because I got left back and I knew this cop, you know? I knew this cop and we had talked. We had conversations a few times. Nothing, I was 14, you know? I wasn't doing nothing, I was playing basketball. He just liked the way I played basketball. We had become friends.

And one day he came to my house and his work car, you know, not in a police car, like in a regular, but he wasn't a cop in North Bergen. He was a cop in a different jurisdiction. He came to my house and he called around and he wanted to know where I lived. I knew him from a different place in my life. And he came to me and like a man,

he knocked on my door, my mom, because there's a man outside that wants to talk to you. And I went outside, my mom goes, who's that? And I go, he's a basketball coach. You know, and if I say from where, people are gonna figure it out. And he told me, he came to me like a man.

He goes, this guy talks shit about my sister and I can't just go there and grab him in the street. I need somebody to shake him out of the house. You know, and this, and I'm like, you know, are you fucking serious? And he's like, I'll help you. If you ever get into a jam, I'll help you. Which he did years later, he goes,

I'll help you and I'll give you a couple dollars. But nobody could talk about my sister that way. And I didn't have a sister. I had a sister in Cuba, so I put myself in that spot. And one day I go, you got it. I called him up and he came and picked me up in this weird fucking car and they drove me up to wherever I called for the kid.

It was about basketball or something like that. And I got him out of the house and they pulled the kid in the corner and they fucking smacked the shit out of him. They put a gun to his fucking head. And that kid shit and pissed himself, you know. And I remember him crying, begging for his fucking life. And I felt really bad about it.

And I swore I would never do that. Something like that again. That I let somebody get their own thing. I heard that kid fucking screeching for his fucking life. Were they gonna kill him? Oh, they were gonna kill him. They were gonna do something to him. They were gonna shoot him in the leg.

They were gonna do something to him. They smacked him around. They broke his fucking nose. They busted his fucking mouth. You know, he deserved it, you know. Did I feel bad about it? Ah! But those are the things that scared me about my own life.

That I could do something like that. I could talk somebody into fucking doing it. I could talk anybody into taking a ride and shooting them. Easy. One of the easiest gift I got. That's the gift of God, you know. But I knew I had him, I didn't like it. So I never really, I'm not a double crosser

because I'd rather look in the eye and tell you what I'm thinking than fuck with you. That's how my mother raised me. But I knew that I had that option. I knew I always had that option, do you know what I'm saying? And after that, I always felt bad. I remained friends with the cop. The kid never liked me, but he never said nothing to nobody

because those cops knew they were gonna fucking shoot him in the fucking head if he ever did speak. Yeah, I was gonna say, because like in today's world, like if I ever came home with like a broken nose like that, my mom would like, she would have had like the DA there, the FBA. Oh, they broke his fucking nose.

They busted his mouth. So like, how could you not like, like it's just a different time? You could say anything. And those days, if they weren't there, they're not there. Your parents aren't there. Okay.

You know, you could say anything. I fell down. Trust me, you're holding ice pack that you had in this stitching up. You can't say who hit you, not in those days. In those days, you can't say, you had two options at the hospital. You didn't say who hit you

and you moved on with your life. Or you didn't say who hit you to calm those people down. And within two or three years, you blasted them. I had a friend, Randy Mergel, who's dead. Randy Mergel is one of the most dangerous people I've ever met in my life. He was from North Bergen, New Jersey. He lived behind Lincoln School

across from a jacket factory or something. And at the age of 18, he robbed that jacket thing for like 25, 30,000 dollars and he went into business. I took a lot of half grams on the arm from Randy Mergel when I was young. I took a lot of half. He used to hide them in the freezer up in the top floor. I would go to his house, open the freezer

and take two of them and go play. Randy was a dear friend of mine. I love Randy. He dated Joanne and he hung out with another friend of mine, Diagostino from fucking down in Florida, Diagostinos. And Randy was a tough motherfucker. He never played football. He played like Pee Wee football and Freshman football.

But then he became a drug dealer. He didn't want to play sophomore in junior year. In his senior year, they asked him to play. And he started like just after not playing football for two years, because the blast, he was crazy. He was athletic. He would hit your heart and he was just crazy. Randy Mergel was just fucking crazy.

One night, they told me that Randy Mergel was in the fucking hospital. They got jumped by three Puerto Ricans at a corner. I told this story before in the podcast. I remember this story. And they took him home. He was in the house. I went to his house.

He was stitched up. His fucking eyes were poked. Oh my God, it was fucking horrible. And he kept on, Randy, who did this? Three fucking Spicks from Hudson County Park. They had a red shirt on. And I mean, this guy kept on. There was three Spicks from Hudson County Park.

And about a year later, some other one of our friends comes up, busted up. Somebody busted him to fuck up. He wasn't a dear friend of mine. He was like some dirty fucking dude from up in Cliffside, one of those times that hung in North Bergen. But I heard when he was busted up and years later, I saw Randy.

I go, Randy, what happened to our boy? He goes, that guy wasn't my boy. He goes, let me tell you a story. Couple nights, we went out. And one night we got all fucked up. And he wanted blow and he gave me like a quailute to make me black out. He threw the beat on me.

So instead of me saying it was him and having you guys beat him up, I waited two or three years and I got him one night with a fucking bat. That's genius. Jesus. That's genius right there. So that's the fucking story right there

you guys get today. What do you think of that one, Lee? That's crap. This is a Monday morning, bro. We don't fuck around on Mondays. I gotta get these motherfuckers fired up. Let me tell you something. When Lee came in, and I don't really mean

to end the podcast like this. But you know what? Just like John Gotti, you have to make a choice in your life and you have to commit to it. When you came in here tonight and you know what? Fuck it. No. Fuck it.

I opened my mouth. When you came in here tonight, you said that you had gone to the comedy store and that that fucking town coordinator came up to you. That fucking moron. Whatever his name is. What's his name? Tommy.

You know? I was there with Corey Cuomo. I was there when Duncan was a town coordinator. I was there with Kelly, but I was also there with Scott Day. It was probably the best town coordinator. That's who made me. That's who helped, who talked Mitzi into doing that. One of the worst town coordinators that comedy store had

was by the name of Tommy. Until this day, I don't step foot in the comedy store for various reasons. Well, he don't like me. He told people I wasn't funny, so I didn't really fuck with him no more. But number two, I'd started at the store and I told the story before I saw what Mitzi was about.

And I saw Paulie Schur and that idiot that moved to Hawaii tortured Joe Rogan one night. If I was Joe, I would have choked him both. But Joe's a great fucking guy and he's got more control than I am. The thing that pissed me off the most about the store was Tommy and a comedian named John Capurulo. And I'll tell, I'm gonna give a fuck, okay?

Let me tell you how much of a pussy this kid is. He used to date this Shea Matash and I canceled. I was supposed to do a club in Alaska and I got a movie and I sent Shea Matash and some guy fucked Shea Matash so good up there that she put the guy's name on her pussy. That's a true story. What? When she came back, you know that John Capurulo

came after me and told me it was my fault that she went out there and sucked the guy's dick. I knew John Capurulo when he was an open mic guy. He was a great kid. And once he started getting funny, he thought he was fucking cool and he stepped up to me one night with Tommy telling me that when Joe Rogan came back

from the men's comedy tour, the one he did with Charlie Murphy and that he wasn't allowed to do 40 minutes no more. I said, don't tell me, tell fucking Joe, you know? But that whole Joe, Carlos, Mencia fight, that was all started by Capurulo and Tommy. Till this day, I can't stand Capurulo. And I'm the type of guy that when I can't stand you,

that's a bad situation when I can't stand you because he's the type of guy that might make him suck my dick one day. Just out of principle, I might see him smack him and make him suck my dick, say things to him to convince him to suck my dick. Even though I'm not a fag, what are you gonna do? I'll only be a fag 15 years.

I made a man suck my dick because that's not what men do. But in my world, I want to humiliate that dumb motherfucker so much because he's a sack of shit pussy. And I don't give a fuck who tells him or who I'll smack you to fuck too. I don't give a fuck Chelsea handler comes and gets me, whatever.

But it's so weird, you know, people come up to me now, John Capurulo, I can't stand that motherfucker. And I was his friend. I used to talk to him all the time. I was always great to him. But here's the guy didn't get money and got cocky. He got three things are funny. All of a sudden he was bad to the bone.

He don't understand that the school we're from, we'll fucking mangle you. We'll feel him saying like we'll fucking mangle you. So for you people who think he's cool, whatever, he's a little fucking cunt. That's exactly what he did. When Shama went up there and sucked that dude's dick and she came back with the thing on her pussy.

That's what he's calling right now. No, you're not calling me. That's better than to call my fucking number. You know, Rogan still talks to him in army. I don't give a fuck. I don't talk to those fucking people. So that's how I feel about Tommy and fucking. And I'll have Tommy lick my ass

while Capurulo sucking my fucking pipe. How's that for you? That's why I think about the commies starting Tommy and all that shit that they do. But on me, I'm knocking both the fuck out. How's that one? Because Capurulo, I can't wait to get my hands on that dumb motherfucker.

I want him to make a mistake and say something about me. There's another motherfuckers on the list too. I'm coming out like Gotti in fucking 85. It's time. It's time. It's time. So that's how we're gonna end today's fucking podcast. What do you got for me?

We'll recite that. Bad motherfucker, you. Just to stop, just the awesome people at Hulu Plus. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smart, phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial

of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church

or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. Most importantly, have a great fucking day and tell them all to suck your dick. Stay black. Hit it, Lee. Oh shit. Put the song away.

You fucking broke, you broke black leather. reden consumers but let her be right transparent. What do I suppose this, devices! Someone here, you're not better than enough. It's the record. Where were you?

medim.es. Voice for the breaking news datumwing for all The truth is out, the lies are old But you don't want to know Nobody will ever let you know When you ask the reasons why They just tell you that you're on your own Fill your head up for the blind