Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 08/26/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #107

Episode Date: August 26, 2013

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This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hits shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash joey that's HuluPlus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club and oh shit oh shit it's that mother f***ing day guess who's knocking bitch life cocksuckers the church of what's happening now my main man lisa yad the flying jew a little f***ing

sabot free on a monday morning i love this s*** when i'm down i'm not down but when i was really down this is what i listen to every day as a f***ing reminder that you gotta go out there the truth is out the lies are old all right stop with your bullsh** it's over that's two scams didn't work get a gun and shoot the mother f***er that's it nobody's gonna let you know all right you gotta go out there and find out the reasons why what's the story dog nothing i'm fired up today i ain't got time to f***ing freak and f***ing freak this podcast also brought to you by anna that's what's got me going f***ing bananas lately really yeah those those packs man those packs are great i gotta f***ing hit obry up the semi

like 18 more yeah i'm ready i like them in the morning and you've been flying a lot too so that's usually when you have like the joints and the and the like you're getting sick every once in a while and you know i feel good i feel good you know i didn't sleep sunday night you know you do uh saturday night you do you know you get off stage at 12 you talk to people till one you get back i was watching something on tnt but marky wallberg was stabbing somebody in the neck and f***ing next to you know the phone's going off in my room it's four in the morning i got up at four in the morning to f***ing fly and i get the upgrades for first class like the soldier i've gotten the last three weeks from american airlines shout out to american airlines and give them f*** because you got to fly a long

time you know you fly a long time and then they give you this gold status and i'm the ari's got platinum ari's the real pimp ari goes first class every f***ing flight just for signing his name jesus so that's when you were that's when it pays off to be a jew you buy the cheapest mother f***ing ticket he scares me though he they always tweet about him with the tsa thing that that's what i'm gonna tell you something that was very disappointing to me because you know i stick up to the tsa this weekend in dc i told my wife was the worst tsa i ever saw in my life was it structured because of dc no it's uh i don't know what it was from i don't know what it was from it was just f***ing laziness it seemed like people didn't give a f*** you know some poor old

lady forget to put her water out you know and they're stupid too they don't read the signs they don't fly a lot some people don't fly they fly once a year they don't know the f***ing rules yeah uh so she left water in her bag and they kept saying you know water bag check line for bag check i stood there for 20 minutes and i could see the guy put this f***ing gloves on talking to some chick taking four more steps talking to another f***ing guy taking eight more steps talking to another guy and you know i didn't say nothing because i had plenty of time but it's it's that's when ari would snap that's when i'd snap like what the f*** 20 f***ing minutes yeah what the f*** really you know well that's that's never i'm i just get scared when like they're just like

because when they're just waving them through and he he told the story on his podcast where he said like one of the tsa guys said like you have to listen to me he said you have to you have to smell my fart and he farted at the tsa guy and i'm like you're gonna get sent to jail well you know ari uh is he's gonna f*** with the tsa guys they're gonna ban him from f***ing flying and then he's gonna be on a bicycle and a bus everywhere he's gonna be trained trained buses and f***ing bikes and see how he likes to dent it 40 riding a bike and a f***ing bus to f***ing oklahoma or the f***y going next weekend but but besides that let me tell you something washington dc was an experience you know i hadn't been to why i did a car i did like georgetown in 99 or 98 i bombed so bad i never

figured i'd go back to washington dc i can't see fitting in in georgetown and it was beautiful the campus everything was beautiful i was just thinking about going to school there with patrick ewing and all that s*** like whatever his name is and uh not patrick it wasn't patrick ewing that went to georgetown he might have let me try yeah yeah it's one of those f***ing guys and it was just very nice and i ate dick so i didn't go back and then i went back you know the this other manager used to book that in problem he was trying to get me in as a feature act and i think i was too dirty or whatnot and then uh he called me and i went and i tell you thursday night was great friday night was great saturday night was great they're very uh you know a couple people came in not knowing

what to expect and i f***ing them up they're talking about mugging hookers and you know somebody's a**hole and s*** you can see their faces yeah he went to georgetown um but i was i'm always interested in this because i'm a comedy fan first and i don't think people understand that but like i love comedy but so when you go like let's say you're going to a show where like in san jose where you know it's gonna be all death squad people and you just want to go out and like kill them and then you go in and you like look at the crowd coming in for like a friday early show in washington dc and you're like okay i'm gonna start for a little bit slower you're like i just want to take them from the beginning and grab like how do you think about that i gotta take them

i gotta take them down because if i start letting those ideas go like last week i ate dick at the summer jam 94 9 summer jam okay i ate dick i lost the battle before i went on stage really yeah first off i was in boston when you're in f***ing boston you're on high alert you know what i'm saying in your mind and your life just because you're in f***ing boston you're in the epitome of comedy so that friday night when i went to boston i should have done the 94 9 summer jam i shot my load on friday night okay i had two shows at the wilba theater yeah you know when you're in boston you're in f***ing boston bro and boston it what it means to you you know boston means a lot to me i would die if i bombed in f***ing boston like i would die i would really be heartbroken

that's that's bernie carball that's colton fisk that's men that's dave cowans that's john havelichek that's you know i can't think of the hockey guy that's that's f*** yeah that's f***ing uh you know tom brady i'm bombing in front of nothing they're there they're there in spirit how can you bomb in f***ing boston can't f***ing bomb in boston that's andre tippet that linebacker that was a black belt karate that's i'm representing oh that's larry bird that's white black i don't give a f*** orange i'm representing jojo white and s*** the orange brother you know with freckles and s*** i'm representing so when you go to certain times you go to so when i went to boston last week a rogue and i went bananas and he loved it because i go bananas in those stages talking about the

akku akku and wuster and all this s*** so then the next day i gotta take a i gotta go to san jose and i'm going up in front of a yo yo yo yo type crowd they're a little younger crowd so in my head i lost a battle you're following me i lost the war but this week in dc i didn't give a f*** i was just excited to be in dc first of all i thought i would see obama's wife so i always kept me on his number two there was some f***ing beautiful women in dc i didn't know what to expect but the f***ing black women were banging big healthy i saw one at the airport that i almost f***ing tackled really yeah and i don't know if she was the mom i didn't figure it out i couldn't figure it out just beautiful black women man they're in dc then the f***ing club the club was spectacular

the club is this tiny little club okay but perfect on both sides the stage it's low ceiling i love all that s*** dog the smaller the better i like more intimacy yeah i don't ever want to play a f***ing theater it's too rough i can't i don't have the patois it's too rough i like small i want them to see my nutsack i want them to see me sweating you know what i'm saying they know i'm i'm riding commando when i jump up and down you know my legs are so i did a happy baby on stage and my f***ing legs i don't know if it was that i worked out when i was there but it was just a i had a great time the f***ing staff was great nice the little black door man that the glasses tim that was f***ing cool as s*** you know i got to see shabuti i got to see joel from itunes that's

awesome and serious i got to see you know it's just great uh tanya messina came uh lisa messina's girl that i grew up with did the documentary yeah how cool is that her sister came and i'll tell you who came my nephew came which one mike ronnie jr the first one he used to call me stupid cocoa when he was a little tiny boy two years ago he's stupid all the time when he was a kid i'd kick him you know and at that time he'd have like a sigmes cat he'd have his pacifier in his mouth and i was staying with him in 1994 i was living with the runnies i had gotten divorced and i had no money and mike's my brother i he forgave me a plane ticket and i stayed with him and did some calming and got a job driving the limo but i could stay there till the wife had

the baby i was on the couch in the living room and uh the little uh the son was like maybe three maybe four little mikey and i play with him and baby said him and when he walked by you know you punch kids like when they walk by you tackle them or whatever i'd always kick him he'd look at me go stupid cocoa and he'd go to the bathroom and now he's a f***ing uh a guard at a prison really yeah and he's big and he's beautiful and it was uh this year the runny kids all came to see me all the runny kids came to see me i i can't describe the feeling to you i called jones yesterday yeah the girl in the dock and i said to a jones as of yesterday all the kids came to see me and she goes they love you you know they love you and i love them they're these are my nieces and

nephews man that in reality i go i think jones thirty years ago we were snorting coconut basement i never said to you thirty years your nieces and nephews are gonna come see me do i didn't f*** it no i was gonna do comedy but it's just that was great that was uh f***ing eight the best chicken teriyaki ever in western dc f*** tremendous oh my god you know i used to eat good chicken teriyaki in seattle that's the only thing i've been it's about seattle oh there's a lot of asian people i would draw i would fly back to seattle right now to get a certain chicken teriyaki they used to make i get a salad with it the extra big salad with that that uh chinchin juice that f***ing i'm dressing they put on it it was brilliant i could even eat like a little piece i could eat

two chicken breasts a half a chick i don't like the chicken teriyaki sauce i don't i don't i just i like i just like it mild on the chicken breast i don't put it on the rice i put a the f***ing spicy red sauce on the rice oh and i mixed the chicken up i get the salad f***ing big glass of water forget about it with it but in yesterday in dc i did thursday friday and saturday i had like six pieces of super white tuna oh and then i f***ing backed it up with a chicken teriyaki for dinner how about this how much do you fart on the plan here no i was my ass was great this weekend for breakfast i had yogurt your sushi three days in a row and you didn't fart no no no no because i keep it alive well my jacu storm and eat a whole f***ing fish you don't eat a whole

fish people go to eat they eat sushi they eat 10 f***ing fish you know you're gonna f***ing quite mercury and f***ing ink and whatever else is not goddamn water oil i was watching interesting documentary when you were a kid you don't remember the valdez incident the last yeah you do remember i know about it f***ing how much oil was dropped into that thing oh my god then the one in louisiana eventually those oils had a f***ing meat and we're drinking them oh yeah you know it's small percentage but we're f***ing drinking i didn't mean really shrimp since the uh new erlan's thing really yeah i mean i i mean i have a little bit but i mean you have to you have to imagine that you're getting a lot of your shrimp from there or it's coming from thailand and that's

weird too but i don't know it's it can't be good let's talk about something very interesting the last two years have been great you know the last three or four years with podcasting and i got to meet you and we did videos and uh cds and testicle testaments and we toured and you know now we're doing this podcast and beauty and abyss is f***ing done and we're doing this and we do a live podcast and it's been fun you know it's been a lot of fun it's been a ride and you overlook things you know i've gotten married my marriage has gotten stronger i've been married for a long time uh the baby you know finny died there's just a lot of things that go on and you overlook certain things the last two months three months and every city i go to every time i do a

show mm-hmm some guy comes up to me very nonchalantly i'll go where's lily lily when i f***ing jew or whatever the f*** they're going like oh he stayed home i got him working you know he's my b***h f*** you know i'll just say yeah and i'll tell him the truth like oh he's f***ing uh you know editing you know he can't come to all the weekends and at one point they turn to me and they go listen bro you know we you know you we you bust his balls a lot but we love what you've done with him you know and uh i sit there and i go what the i haven't done nothing with him you know what the f*** are you talking about and then it got worse people come up to me and go man where's f***ing lee he's gonna take a fart to the face and you know how they get crazy you've seen it they

get crazy and then they calm down they go listen man uh i have an older brother thank you thank you for what you're doing with lee you know and you know this kept going on but this weekend in washington and at the live podcast last time you know you were talking to somebody you were talking to your girlfriend and some guy came over a random f***ing chubby little mexican he looks he goes look at f***ing lee like now he goes six months ago the guy wouldn't f***ing talk hey you know and and again last night i'm on facebook and i see a picture you and this girl and i look at you and i go look at him he's f***ing sitting there i mean hot dogs a g only one they were grilled they're not steamed it wasn't i actually want to talk about this you see you were talking about professor

lee i'm very proud of you thanks you know lee tell me when you did the podcast you said to me i'm not going to talk no i didn't want to i i always wanted it to be like to be like when we were just talking i want i wanted to do it just because i thought it would be good for you but i didn't want to talk at all like like when you said the other day you should do stand up i'm a thousand percent serious and i have no interest in doing that you don't have to be serious i just want you to try it for three minutes because it's going to take you somewhere different in your life oh no but i the what i meant why i said that is because i have no even before i have no interest in being on stage like i don't like that's not my personality

i like doing the tech stuff and i'm i'm a fan of this stuff but when you when you said like you're gonna have a mic i have i couldn't even i can't even bring myself to listen to the early ones because i'm sure they're garbage just like for what i was saying but it's uh it's been crazy over the past like seven or eight months it's uh it's great to see people get pushed sometimes i never pushed nothing bad on you you know we've been partners and this is day one i just uh except maybe the the edibles i can remember like the first three weeks around you like saying something looking at your face how off color your face would turn i remember in new york and new york was where i really got to see li when i just uh you were hilarious you know you were just

when i gave you the banana that night and we got lost and i was yelling that you motherfucker it's because of you and your face was red at the same time i'm hurting your feelings but you're howling i know i've seen anybody do something that you like i've been looking at the map and you're fucking giggling i'm like never in my life has somebody insulted me and giggled at the same fucking time so let's let's tell the story it was four i am he gave me fucking banana bread after we shot it like the documentary in one day he grew up there he's like all right i know how to get to jfk he at four in the morning he like hands me a map he's like i don't i don't know how to get to jfk we drove around he's driving through toll booth eight times asking the guy he's like we're gonna

miss a fucking flight you know like i was just it was the craziest thing i've ever been through he grew up that he did not get to the airport i didn't i didn't i grew up in fucking jersey i know how to get to new work i don't know how to fucking get to kennedy and legoire you know that shit but it's just weirdly that you've you know man life is great life is great living is great it's what society lies to you about and what you think your beliefs should be and all that shit that's what sucks about it and how we have to find out that hurts our feelings you know like a lot of things with me like i fucking i get ashamed sometimes like when i first all jokes aside all fucking youth people are not gonna believe this the first time i went to an airport and i

got through the big machine that you put your hands up through yeah with two joints under my left nut was the saddest day in the world yes i giggled and we made a joke about it because if you could sneak two joints under your nutsack what can you know i'm saying yeah i'm that type of person that i did not like to see i don't want to see the other side of life i never did i don't ever want anybody to live the side of life to see it but you have to see it you know you have to see it you have to prove people wrong that's what you're living that's what you're everybody's an artist i hate that word because we do things our own fucking way you tie your shoes your way i tie them my way right yeah so it makes us you know what i'm saying but it's just amazing how when i first

met you you had these thoughts in your head and i'm like to get them out of your head because the only way to live is to bend these fucking rules yeah i was i was petrified like i was thinking about it when when you first wrote to me while i wrote to you on facebook but then you responded and then you said call i must have spent the entire day just staring at my phone and i was like you did the thing you're famous for where like you'll call i'll call you or you'll call me in two minutes into it like let me call you back in five minutes and i i stayed on my phone for like eight hours and he called me back that night and like i spent like the entire time doing it and i remember before i met you like when i was in high school we had a restaurant and

uh eckersley was there and i was too scared to go up and ask for an autograph and i was like petrified of it and the first time i met you and i like i was waiting for you to walk up like my heart was like beating out of my chest like i just i get so star struck i didn't i like it was weird for me but then like after after like the third time i'm meeting you like it's helped with other like other famous people and it's just it's weird how like putting yourself through that it's usually good i mean sometimes it doesn't work out but usually it's good to push yourself listen man you know the first rule of life i'm gonna try to teach my daughter is what we all put our pants on one leg at a time even jesus jesus roger clements a rod you know yeah president clinton we all put

our pants on one leg at a time don't buy down the fucking anybody yeah you want to give somebody respect for something they've done that they've accomplished on a big side i'd give it to them you know i get nervous in front of doctors really because to me they're everything you know they keep the machine going yeah that's why my blood pressure goes up because when i'm around doctors i think they're gonna find out what the fuck is wrong with me yeah celebrities i don't give a fuck about sports figures julia serving you know somebody who to me who's who's made something move forward i respect but i would never get ashamed to go up to him i would never bother somebody as a child i never would i seem richard gear i seen a bunch of people and the way home i said

should have said to him no who the fuck am i to say something they're out you know i always thought different but uh i see this changing your lee and it's amazing even with this girl how happy you look and how you went for it and how uh you know we're talking about the axley thing before this and i was telling lee that you know people really try to be cool in their lives and when you get into a relationship people really try to be cool and people are cool for the most part you know but after like three or four months your true feelings start to come out you gotta tell people what you feel and it's very important that you tell them what you feel because if not it's gonna come back to bite you in the ass later if you think you're gonna be able to deal with it you're not

you're not gonna your first listen let's be honest your first fucking impulse your first reaction 90% of the time is the right one when i dated carol i like carol i needed carol but she was a stripper guys dancer guys touched i didn't like it yeah when i didn't think about it it was okay when i would go to pick her up at the one in seattle or one time i was a doorman and asked me that she was a stripper downstairs i was like no in the back of my mind i always thought it was gonna work that i could do something like that no that's a pig fucking thing you know my wife and my girlfriend belongs to me i don't want to see somebody else fucking my wife or whatever you're into that shit god bless you whatever you know but uh it was just it's funny how this morning

we're talking about actually and her brother's gonna go they went to the boston game on saturday and you went on sunday with your girlfriend i'm like you know i hate to tell you this is a date in the spanish woman a spanish woman that is going to law school that has a little pride in her heart that's come from nothing yeah you know she lives in the fucking hood and she's in fucking usc i know people i know white kids that have families with fucking benzes that can't get into fucking usc this little chicana girl from the hood got into usc and she's into it she's gonna be a fucking lawyer yeah and i goddamn right believe she's gonna be a great fucking lawyer i could just see in the rise you could tell when somebody means business let me tell you something

the last person she wants you talking to is actually any means yeah because they just don't like it just don't fly with them some people like that oh my god let's go to dinner with my ex boyfriend whatever you bring you no no no no no i can't sit there with the guy's dick you used to suck you know i'm saying and you want to be comfortable in who you fuck you are but that's who we are and i was telling you know i dated spanish woman you don't see me ending up with them i love spanish i love me some becky demingas i love some girls that are around here right now i love spanish woman yeah will i fuck them or hook up with them marry him not in a million fucking years because they torture you to death really love them i love spanish woman

but they torture you to fucking death you can't none they're fucking the real deal you know ethnic women and nine out of ten are a little on the toughest side my wife is as tough as fuck you know my wife don't fuck around but i dated latina woman you know they got me left fucking back that's what it got me left back in the fucking seventh grade who gets left back in the fucking seventh grade i can see that though she's uh no she's been great and it was it was thinking about she's like one of the first i think when you're younger you might put up with more like she's like the first girl from who's like like jan like genuinely likes and cares and like we do stuff we both want to do like did you ever have that when you were younger

and maybe just because i was more of a pushover but like i had girlfriends who like like weren't always as nice and like you just do what they like like do you take shit because like you it's a girl and you want to kiss them and stuff like that but it's weird like i don't know how to take her being this nice to me uh she appreciates you she saw who the fuck you were you know this podcast in my heart is a great podcast if we just sat here and stared at each other it would be a great podcast because of the savage disgusting animal that i am i'm the sweet vulnerable person that you are when people say and i've always said that when i first listened to the podcast three months ago when they you know you listen to it

you're from the fucking i'm going off on you and you're very vulnerable and people love that people like that you open up your vulnerabilities and that's what makes this podcast great it's not my stupid fucking jokes it's a contrast you know and she saw that from the beginning there's some people but there's some women that want it so bad that that they want that final wedding so bad with the horse they don't see right they see through they see through everything they're important things you know they just want to get married they just want to move that step they just want to be a princess not understand that but sometimes women move too fast and you end up fucking divorced divorce is a two-way fucking street

it's not one person was really bad it just didn't fucking match you know i'm the honeymoon if it's going to work out you i knew on the fucking honeymoon with my first wife i'm the fucking i snuck out to get an eight ball of blood that's not normal yeah that's not normal you sit there and look at your wife and your honor or whatever the fuck you do your rubber feet either has who goes out to get an eight ball without your wife that's a savage that's crazy oh we did we went to a sex store this weekend though my first time i got we got like we got stuff like i was like i'd never done that with a girl before that's disgustingly you never went and got handcuffs with a girl no i didn't like the old fashioned way i bought them off a cup with the music it's fucking

monday get your shit it's fucking get up cock suckers we ain't fucking around get some oatmeal some alpha brain bang one out in the shower get up just think like who's watching me today oh my grandfather's fucking got my back today get out there do something you know what i'm saying it's a beautiful day to be alive i want to be around oh shit to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart somebody twice as smart what's the story brother you know the sex to shop guy like i think the one i went to like it's like van ash from nox area and i like they i think they have the booth in the back because it's like some old creepy guys came back like one guy had a cane and he just like he was like one of the guys who's still paced to go

look up for him oh my god and she was talking she was like oh she's like oh i've been no one before and i had never been a one and we walk in and the mexican guy mopping the floor had the mask on like the surgical mask on the first person we saw when we walked in and like we were like we just walked in we got a couple things but like there were like three or four guys coming out of like the the porno booth area and do they have porno boots right there you can suck their titties for no no it's just i think it's a porno but it was uh it was crazy because she got she got embarrassed real quick but i i felt fine in there it wasn't that weird for me but just seeing like the guys still doing the porno booths i was like oh my god and somebody went in there with a mop

and cleaned up that old jizz no probably but like the old like it was an old mexican guy just like mopping the floor and he had a little surgical mask on can you imagine can you imagine jerking off in a fucking box in public can you fucking imagine what where your disease is i mean i've wiped off i don't feel wiped off on a plane or something like that but it was a lot of older guys like i i imagined all these guys who like couldn't figure out like internet porn or whatever but like it was like older guys one guy the cane it was it was it was a weird experience that's part of the whole patois that's part of the whole patois driving over and jerking off in the box that's what gets them off ladies they could probably access porn just like anybody else in

the country they fucking want to go out and whack off that's their night out they go get a yum yum donut they whack off in the box baboon you're back and you watch ray donovan although the fuck you watch dexter whatever the fuck it is that you want that's crazy what happened last night this game that you didn't i tried to tell you life has changed things have changed and we're very fortunate at one time or another to have gone to those baseball stadiums i went to fenway like an 85 86 i got to see what those animals were about i went to wriggly field oh i want to go regularly but then you want to be a baseball friend you go to stadiums and other things what happened okay break down the fuck so i'm sure fenway now is isn't like fenway back in the 80s i know that

but it's like when you tell her stories of you going to the meds games with your mom and she's like fuck you up and all that stuff when you got embarrassed like that's what i'm used to we went to the dodger game and it was fine and in the stadium like i'm used to fenway and so the stadium was like a little bit vanilla because it's just like kind of a normal place like it didn't feel like anything special beautiful and that's a nice stadium yeah it's for how old is i went there as a kid so i'm 50 yeah so i mean it was fine but like i was i was sitting there in the third inning oh no the first thing i know is which pissed me off was like right when like when they were singing the national anthem i looked around stadium was half empty i'm like where is everybody

and she's like look like you can see the people still walking in and she's like oh they'll be here on the third inning i was like what you can't show what do you mean you're showing up around the third inning like fenway is packed like by batting practice it's packed and i was like what what's going on and then right around the third inning it did kind of fill up but then i was like i was quiet it was like people were watching a movie like the wave didn't happen there was like one beach ball and then a little asher came and got it i'm like what is no one's yelling like the only people there who young were boston fans it was like it's fucking embarrassing isn't it like how could i bring like like you have your daughter like if you brought her to that like you can't

you have to bring them to a game where people are yelling and and screaming of people getting in fights and it's it's that's that's half of the show it's like you can't go there and be quiet and it's amazing what's happened it's amazing what's happened to people go to a little league game or a little league games you can't say nothing to the kids no more either you can't say hey he sucks strike him out hit him with the heater you can't say no that should no more a kids baseball okay well i mean that i can i can kind of understand that even a little i even though it's i i don't think that should be but how could you go to a professional game and just like the guys behind us were lawyers having a meeting like it felt like it was like a place for people to like

socialize i'm like lucky games are too and the phones i didn't take my phone out like once people are on their phones i'm like what's going on like that's the only time i'm like mad at phones like i saw a couple like on facebook like what are you on facebook for like this is a this is a baseball game everybody in that game you don't listen go to uc in vegas you know fights started 445 and those undercards are fucking great they give you free food to the game thing in fucking vegas nobody goes to the two fights left and those are expensive tickets but they don't give a fuck but go to milwaukee go to fucking chicago they're there before they're outside fighting themselves they're out there at ten in the morning fucking wrestling and throwing each other over fences

there was no tailgating listen this is this is hobbyville oh my god this is hobbyistville this is hot this is this is uh the new society where to be seen what to do for the shortest amount of period of times you could tell people you were there yeah like they should i keep them on this day yeah they leave at six in the sixth inning yep they're not leaving the sixth they can't leave in the sixth i go i'll tell you before the baseball game listen brother i got a dd i'll watch this shit at home and i'll watch two innings so if i come to the game i'll give you four yeah i could watch four but i'll be there at seven thirty just stand up and national anthem that i don't understand how you're getting to the fucking thing late no no and it's with everything

it's with fucking everything but it's weird when you do a ufc in vegas or in la or there was one other place they're empty cindiego go to fucking you know uh you know alabama what the fuck go to texas yeah they're there three hours before this is their week this is their year you know it's amazing how spoiled we are look at those laker games you see people that go just to be seen bro they don't like basketball they don't even know the fucking play and they know dick i can't would you waste a fucking ticket i might as well buy it and give it to two fucking kids they're out there playing basketball all day that their parents can't fucking afford it why would you waste your fucking time well look at ashton kutcher's at the thing with myla cunis who gives a fuck who gives a

fuck you know i went to the laker game was a fucking disgusting last year two fucking 300 dollars a ticket and i went and thank god you don't make me feel good with the fucking kids i took but the rest of you sitting there going how could a fucking family of four come to a laker game you don't need fucking basketball games i went to the kiddly do you have any fucking idea how many concerts i went to how many sixer games and north carolina games and nc double league games i had the pleasure of watching i was a fucking rich now you gotta be rich to watch a fucking game absolutely and it's a bunch of assholes that go for what everything's a fucking hey stay the fuck home you fake fucks go to one of those fucking ale bars oh my god this ale is sensational get the

fuck out of my face with your stupidity i can't i couldn't even imagine it's weak me uh what rob rob uh the crazy fucking guy from houston texas uh i think john westling a bunch of us and bill burr this had to be eight nine years ago pete had the clubs though we all went to a baseball game in houston roger clements was pitching oh the actual so and out of fucking nowhere bill burr just goes what the fuck paper come on let's go what what no excitement here it was fucking hard it's a bunch of yuppies they're just going it's like look somebody was telling oh i met these fucking great twins from at the mel at the impromptu little black twins one had a spider man shirt on they love the church they love lee the whole fucking thing and they were saying that

they were gonna go to vegas for death squad the 28th okay and they were gonna go to vegas and watch anderson silvin come to the comedy show at the mirage they said they went online the tickets for the usc were a thousand dollars i go listen guys the ufc from january 1st to december 26th is one thing the new year's show traditionally is completely different as a matter of fact we usually get tickets behind the cage and it's such a different thing during a new year's eve we sit up in the top oh really yeah we sit up in the middle row still fantastic seats it's a pleasure to get tickets you know me i'm always appreciative but that's how different it is it's not crazy portuguese it's not black people it's a bunch of yuppies it's a bunch of chicks with fake tits their husbands

you know they're all in their 40s they're all in testosterone they're all white belts in jujitsu with the nice tailored pants and they go there and they sit there they tell their wives uh yes i could have been a contender you know but law school took up my time you know it's a yuppie fucking thing yeah they're a thousand dollar tickets that's why the cards are never really uh our new years are never really brazilian based oh really no they gotta be white it's gotta be chuckledow it's gotta be look at that same it's ronda rousey uh-huh and it's anderson silving it's chris wideman those those new year's shows they gotta be they're doing that rematch already yeah they're doing it december 29th the 28th yeah so those new year's shows are not brazilian based

they'll never be brazilian based you'll never see anderson's the anderson silvers on that thing because it's a rematch and people want to watch it and hopefully they want to watch anderson go down the people that want to watch that you know with the american flag and all that that's who's going to that yeah you know you follow him saying to you so it's a different show i've been to those u.s and i'm seeing who's in front of me that they're the ones that go to these fucking things they show up for two fights the last two fights you know they just came from obu wherever some fucking restaurant yeah you know it was oh my god it was ravishing the smoke's nail you know whatever the fuck they were eating yeah and then they paid a thousand dollars and they watched two

fucking regular schmoes who they know mm-hmm and she like i said it's usually the fucking a white belt with a stripe or like a purple belt in taekwondo that takes his girlfriend and and he tries to impress her that he knows the moves you see that move right there i did that and class last week you know you don't know that shit and that's all is it's a different fucking clientele well ever since you found out that terry was pregnant you kind of talked about like you don't you wouldn't want to raise like your daughter here and i never really understood it but like when i was at the game yesterday i like i have such fond memories of henway childhood and i'm like child you have to have a fucking childhood i'm like how like how could i raise a kid and bring

a kid to a game and they wouldn't understand like if i'm afraid if i bring the girl is with to fenway like if we go back to boston i bring her friend when she might pass out like i can't even like how can you like how can you like live your life like that listen man i was very fortunate having one thing i mean i have money i mean i have great looks i mean i have a maserade i don't even want that shit i had one thing i had a fucking childhoodly yeah my mother made sure till the age of 15 that i had a fucking childhood i went to baseball games but i also lived and she was also very open in front of me you know the biggest topic today is bullying how can i topic because it starts you know a couple weeks ago uh fucking dunking hit it on the head and i

ain't gonna lie to you i could tell you that i had been thinking about that for about a month because i had saw it i see that airports i see it how the parents are scared so the kids are fucking scared fear you know apple don't fall far from the fucking tree and i fucking see it and i understand listen i got that phobia now that i'm about to get bomb phobia you know you never know you never fucking know you already you have seen all of a sudden fucking some guy says fuck the UFC and pulls the fucking button and boom you're fucking diaper rash you know whatever the fuck you know people are getting hit at fucking malls with cars outdoor malls that happened in venice last week you don't know you gotta keep your fucking eyes open there's no one here

not keep your fucking eyes open when you're out the thing in boston you gotta keep your eyes open but you gotta live your fucking life mm-hmm you cannot have fear i fucking lived as a kid and i tell people on this fucking podcast i tell people on stage fucking live fucking live who gives a fuck if you don't need money to live you don't need money to live if if the life you want if you want to hang out with Kanye West you need money that's not the way i'm talking about living the living you could do with no money is amazing you know how i know because i did it fucking 30 years i did it yeah just live when i got on a greyhound bus and went from new york to buffalo to do kami i was living Lee mm-hmm i didn't i was living i was

meeting fucking strippers that had syphilis and they were registered in in rockchester but now they had to go to buffalo to beat the system for three days to make 400 dollars to go to the doctor i lived you don't need money to live bro mm-hmm you don't need money to live trust what i'm telling you there's ways to do it to live you know what it is to wake up with 22 dollars in your world and that's what you have for the day no and go and on top of that i want to smoke weed that's that's what i never understand and i i know like when you sit tell those stories and you're like all right i gotta get enough money for coke i'm like wait you're sleeping next to dog shit like why not just hold off on the coke for a few days because that's why i'm the fucking living you're

living on a tightrope and i'm not saying about coke it's gotta do with coke or reefer it's just living you don't need fucking money to live to at least have a small life man you know there's programs you go i used to do more time when i was kids i'd go sign up and then fucking never go back when i was 24 25 and how to be a plumber or how to fucking be you know there's always something you wait until the vry keeps his doors open you could go take a divide course and tell him to fuck off and you got bad credit for seven years but at least you're working yeah you know i'm saying you're working fuck them you understand me but you gotta fucking live man you know as a kid i went out that lived i don't have stories because i wrote these fucking

stories i'm not fucking uh the guy that wrote catcher in the rye i lived that's it you know when i went to a baseball game i got a cheaper ticket and snuck down and yeah you know you lived bro you took a fucking chance god damn it you took a fucking chance you know leave your dating a girl right now she's a beautiful fucking girl she's got a gray on her shoulder you got she's not gonna suck your dick unless you go up and ask her yeah nobody's gonna suck your dick just through osmosis nobody's gonna come up to you and get on that knees and suck your dick and that goes for me nobody's gonna suck your dick live go out there and tell them motherfucker what you want live and you don't need money bro that's just everybody want you know when you're in a hotel for three days

you get stuck on keeping up with the Kardashians at some point you follow me and watch it you know me i'm a fuck i like the little one the one with the two kids that little dirty whore that her husband had a finger up her ass on TMZ and all this shit but uh you know that everyone wants to beat her all the time they're gonna live anybody's gonna get fucked that's all she does she goes on get fucked you go on get fucked you gotta live bro yeah that's and and you go to those games now and everybody's fucking scared everybody's scared to let people know what they think you know we were talking about last week on the podcast was it us or was that somebody else's podcast when you see something and you your stomach says it says something yeah i don't think by the time it

gets to your heart and your brain it says something else because it gets to your heart and then your brain tells it the intelligent thing but you quote yourself down here this is what you're really thinking yeah you know you know i was watching uh uh major league one of the greatest fucking movies of all time still holds down without the makeup charlie sheen when he was charlie sheen fucking uh the black dude before he went to jail before he became a black vampire uh blade whatever his fucking name is uh tom beringer who was always one of my favorites but this was seen where where charlie sheen pulls up in the motorcycle and the coach looks and he goes look at this fucking guy that's what you think when you when you see a fat liester she's a 400 pound dude

tatted up something i can't stand and with another fat fucking chick and she was tatted up too so you spent all this money on tattoos to be cool not one dollar went to the gym yeah not one dollar went to the fucking gym you should go where would you get a tattoo of a sandwich your fat fuck the the fuck is wrong with these people a fat fuck and get more tattoos and the first thing you think about is that look at this fat fuck with the fucking tattoos yeah but then as it gets to your heart you're like ah maybe he's got sleep apnea then it gets to your brain and you're like ah he's a cool dude with a fucking tattoo you know what i'm saying but in your stomach you're like look at this fucking fat fucking worthless cock sucker yeah and you were talking about it with uh with me getting the

spanish girl that like you you people don't really say what they want to say at the beginning and when he said that i was like that's that's essentially how you live your life and it's probably toned down a little bit but you live your life with what you like your first instinct is always what you go with you what the fuck are you gonna do what else do you have you have nothing you have nothing in this world but your fucking instincts but that's harder to do nothing you've gotten good at it but for people like me like it's always like the third end because it like you're not supposed to go by your first instinct listen man at one point you have to go back to your basics and and and i i hated that my mother died at that age but today i'm very happy because

she was creating something different she was creating a soft man she was creating i was i don't know i didn't like who i really was and then i really didn't like who i became after she died for a while but there was always this glimmer of hope you know what i'm saying this is always this glimmer of fucking hope and you uh you know comedy fucking saved me you know that i mean i just did comedy until for some people it's a dj for some fucking people it's a dj cocksucker but listen it's all started because of you you've really come out of your shell and you see if what it is i mean i tell my wife all the time this motherfucker quits jobs and gets jobs like only i did at that age i would tell somebody suck my dick on a tuesday and have a job by thursday a union job making 18

an hour so then i quit that a week later and the whole time i just wanted to be happy yeah i just wanted to fucking do what i'm doing now which is comedy or whatever the fuck it is you know yeah especially even this morning i was like what the fuck am i like i was tired this morning i was like what the fuck am i doing waking up at five in the morning for this but it's uh it's like i don't understand i don't understand it and people who put up with it or or stay stay at a job that's the shitty and i'm at a bad job i'm not a huge fan of but it's uh it's a whole thing that we've talked about about leaving your hometown like i think people who like because they when they go back after college and live with their mom it's like their mom's i'm like being a parent again and

they get they turn into the people that were at the dodger game last night and it's uh i would hate to be a mummified person that would kill me more than anything in the fucking world to be one of those people at dodger game trying to look cool trying to be somebody like to sit there and go look i got expensive tickets i'm gonna act with class fuck you get up you fuck i just paid two in a while see the strikeout cock suckers how'd the Cuban do oh yes yo puke uh i think he had like a hit or something nothing nothing that crazy how the dodgers look uh to be honest i i can't really watch baseball on tv because it's boring everything i hear is that they're great this season how'd they look last night you were not good i mean they lost the they lost the last two

to us but uh it wasn't their best pictures so i'm sure they're i'm sure they're okay i mean i honestly don't know i just happy the right talk to one i'm fucking believe but you went to a bad nando baseball game this season is breaking my heart and i'm gonna take my uncle yeah but i went to cut normal fucking i go to those listen if i take my uncle i gotta sit there for nine fucking innings you know i'm saying so that's why i dread that shit so i gotta get like a group of us and i have to have a comedy gig but i really have to have a comedy show because i can't lie to him oh so you can leave yeah so i can leave at the fifth hit and give him a kiss and a hug and get the fuck out of there i just feel really fucking bad you know it's funny this morning when

i got up i got up eric's too early you know gray sleeps with me in the room yeah so gray fucking if i move my hand she starts playing with it in the snow night you know it starts biting it and then i get involved and i look at the alarm it's 405 and i go fucking i'm just gonna get up yeah so i made coffee and i was sitting and i was writing this morning i got up early nobody was up everybody was fucking passed out even the cats only fit him into torture and i was writing and that's why i opened up with sabbath buddy sabbath because i was clicking music this morning i was listening to something and i saw sabbath buddy sabbath and i clicked onto that it was monday i was doing something i was moving around so i want to listen to music so i said let me just put that

on so i could move around when i'm listening to this i was putting paperwork away i was doing laundry not doing laundry i was putting my laundry away and uh i was into sabbath buddy sabbath i was remembering when i was 19 and i would listen to that every day and that was the reason why i listened to that song because of the lyrics because of what it was saying that i was running out of time you know i always felt like every day i feel like i'm running out of time i always have anxiety my anxiety is from time you know i always wanted to do a certain amount of thing in time and and it's scary to be your age lee it really is the things you've told me lately like the i've learned so much from you like the shit about college just fucking kills me yeah really

affected you you get upset about oh fuck oh i couldn't imagine going to school for six years and then not really holding up you know and then thinking about what to do with it going to service at this point you know like i wouldn't know what the fuck to do and that's why i really uh you're out here fucking making it happen in a way and it's tough it's tough for me it's tough at my age i can't imagine 25 26 and you're digging all this shit yeah my i almost had a panic attack at work because we we i got a new night person um and she came in and i could tell she was a little bit older than me and i was i was telling her what to do she was cool she called me star and that she told me she was 40 years old she could be my mother and she called me and i almost passed out i'm like don't

ever call me sir like she was 40 i'm like holy shit like that like it must is it kind of weird for you like if you're a if you're a younger comic but let's say a comic who's older than you but is behind you like maybe he's he's opening for you is it kind of weird you're like you should be a like ahead of me and like don't like it's kind of it felt weird i think it fell for me five years ago featuring for people i was 45 years old featuring for you know you were featuring five years ago yeah i was featuring headlining you know still opening up with joe you know i'll go out with joe till the end of time i don't care how good i get because i know the experience i know what he's trying to put together yeah i know what he's doing in his mind and what he's doing in his mind

is a beautiful thing that no other comic whatever fucking do no other comic whatever do with joe rogan's doing in his mind especially what we did in boston when he took me and our me and our right now talent wise and uh you know strength wise were good yeah you know some comics don't want to follow that you know if if you don't like joe rogan on a personal level that's one thing but as a stand-up comic you know you have to respect them compared to all these other wimpy motherfuckers out there that claim to be bad asses no joe's a bad motherfucker as a stand-up comic without the hair cut and all that shit he's a bad motherfucker because i understand the vision he's putting together for people and guess what i just caught it last year and i've been friends with him for

15 fucking years that's how retarded i am when it comes to comedy so you live and you learn the vision he sees on stage for us and what he wants people to see is completely different than what i was seeing you know a lot of people go up and say both of you guys do 10 minutes he wants us to do a half hour not a lot of comics want to sit there for an hour and wait for nobody but it makes him a caged animal oh really yeah it's like me putting you in a cage for an hour listen i'm making you a steak with a lobster tail i got lobster bisque and the chicks gonna suck your dick after it only one thing i'm locking the door and turning off the fucking lights and then i'll come and blow fucking the steak powder through the smell the smell of the fucking onions

through the thing you know he has a vision for people when they come to the show and that has never i always understood the comedy process as a whole as an mc what i wanted to do but i never understood what he wanted to do i mean if it's up to me i don't know disrespect for him i'll do 15 minutes like the second show in boston it started late joe went long and already did a little long so i only had 15 minutes joe would have had 55 minutes before the 12 o'clock curfew we had to pay a fine okay i went up then did 30 minutes and 15 i did the Liberace in like two minutes and i hated doing it but i wanted to get it out there yeah do you know i'm saying and after that when he came back and we hooked up that night we spoke we spoke of the vision he wants for the next couple

years through death squad that he goes after they see us i want them to go and look at another comic and say what the fuck is this what the fuck is this which is a beautiful fucking thing yeah you actually tweeted about that what did something special happen you said like death squad isn't fucking around anymore no we're not well yeah we're not did you see something that like just that night well i felt them watched in dc i i uh i saw something this weekend that was really i saw something different in people like the people came up to me and said hey brother thank you for lee you know in fact it became something different this weekend it wasn't about the jokes or killing or not killing or tickets it was about really talking to people different type of people people

who i never thought would listen to what the fuck i was saying people who are intelligent people who have lives and jobs that maybe everything's going great but maybe something on the inside isn't ticking and by listening to us breaking this shit down it fucks them a little bit and i'm really i was really impressed this weekend but i'm really impressed with what the people are saying about you so that means it means a lot dawg you're uh there's weed everywhere lee the fuck don't you smoke weed cocksuck i leave you weed here look at this shit you don't leave shit you leave a lot of roaches you take that big stuff home just butt right here lee you take this butt you can do this two things with this you could roll this you could put this in a pipe you

could stick this up your little tight cool up all three fucking avenues you're going to be fucked up right there there's a joint right here look at this joint right here and yeah listen to this people you hear that that is a fucking container oh filled with roaches that if you pop these and put these together you get one of those big cheek and chong joints and it's all low but they're shouting trust me i'm saying to you know i'm saying and let me give you some shout out to you because we had no calls today shabuti who i love the staff of the dc improv my man chef david my man uh mike the cat he's been sick he's a cat that listens to the podcast he's sick what's up mike i met some light-skinned brother malkin riddle that was cool the fuck

jacob and sweden and all you motherfuckers in the struggle listen we're gonna be at the ice house wednesday night this wednesday a live podcast and for you new york motherfuckers friday 13th i got from comedy club i'll be there ready a fucking right well that's another cool club yeah it's very cool i gotta tell you something before i forget and you gotta go to joeycocodias.net i gotta tell you something before you forget what's up so last night i uh i've been getting headaches wild headaches you know that's the action i heard you talking about that that's new yeah i got a headache like last week and and the other night before i went to bed i had a little migraine i had to jump in the shower and take two of leaves or two advils so last night i uh

answered the emails and i had to do some writing and i did sound went to the living room i was watching talking to my wife and i came back i clicked the yahoo and i wanted to see some on the ufc who else was on that card and i saw something about miley cyrus did you see that i i didn't see the the thing that happened last i wouldn't watch the fucking vma's if you fucking paid me i know that's retarded but i couldn't believe the amount of people who were on twitter and facebook talking about it so i before all this i knew about that i went to yahoo and i click on and people on there talking about miley cyrus's performance that it was sexual so i didn't know what it was i clicked on the youtube not the youtube link but whatever link yahoo had yeah

she had like little mousy is on yeah with this little outfit i love miley cyrus i love miley cyrus and fucking hannah montana you never oh fuck yeah i'll watch hannah montana and i love that little show she's cute on that you little girl she's funny as shit it's a stupid show but there was two or three episodes i saw on the road i was dying i was fucking dying the one when she does the weather and she's crying it's fucking hilarious but she's dancing around with that skinny suit on with that little pussy i couldn't believe how skinny a little monkey was that's a little girl she's a young fucking because you don't even have meat on her twat yet i fucking went to facebook a couple minutes later yeah to check the messages on there because i thought i was

gonna get a message from this guy and fucking everybody's talking about you know the vma's how they suck and i put down that i was in shock i was in shock and now this morning when i woke up everybody's pissed off at it right i i might be a will smith and his family oh really yeah like fuck them you know who the fuck are they but still i mean they're all pissed off because her performance is so sexual or whatever what the fuck happened she's like 20 isn't she she's engaged tell what does that mean that you can shake that skinny ass you don't even have an ass so it's so bad i felt she's crazy that reef is killing me she gotta stop going to fucking divine wellness it's uh no so that that music video is have you seen the video where she's like

bending out and then twerking and yeah it's kind of it's crazy i mean i i don't really have a problem with the sexual part but i just think she's crazy i didn't like i like that i don't want to see a shaking a little bony pussy like that i don't want to be mildly fucking cyrus you know what i'm saying i don't want to you know i don't fucking know those days are gone damn why do they always go to that shit i don't know are you worried about that having a daughter like like i'm obviously she's probably not going to be like a music superstar doing that sort of stuff but like are you thinking about that i can't let my daughter end up on the streets i think about everything you always think about all that you know i'm not just my daughter i got a 17 year old niece that's fucking beautiful

in Tennessee that's dating some kid i got a i got a six-year-old beautiful Filipino niece here my little jade who i love to death and i look at him i go jade's gonna be a killer i got fucking stevie lin i got my star kelly i got a little sister i got you know my friend's kids my their daughters are my nieces yeah fuck yeah i always worry about them do i worry about them fuck yeah you know i would hate to get a call from one of my friends saying dog my daughter are you fucking can i worry about my daughter jackal and i worry man you always gotta worry about this stuff but you know i look at my baby now sometimes and i gotta be honest with you since the time i was four i was always told that uh my father watched over me you know and i've had my father's

friends came to me and we talked and they said listen i don't want to sound cliche your dad and you were tight and then even my uncle who doesn't have a kind word to say even about my mother his sister says let me tell you something when it came to fucking dudes your dad was a bad mother fucker once you were born you could see the change he goes it was it was it was he was working just for you and he was always with you and it was just really weird so i see my daughter now his little baby and i asked myself you know what it wouldn't shock me if any fucking day i got up one morning all excited uh fucking smoked the joint my heart went off the rails and i got a heart attack one you know what i'm saying it would be a shame i'd love to live to be 85 but

you have to anything could happen in this life i woke up last morning to this kid fucking ice himself down the block from my house yeah 20 fucking years old you know anything happens in this life you know and you worry and i always think to myself you know what man the same people who watched over me i hope they watch over these people you know i had to say about saying i'm watching over me i had a bunch of fucking people so i'm very lucky man yeah watch over you i don't know what that means maybe they send messages to your ears maybe they tell you to make a left maybe they tell you to go home they tell you a lot of fucking things do you believe in that like your father was watching over watching watching over you absolutely absolutely i would think of

how you feel think of how you feel if you fell down right now and you you were breathing and you're here by yourself what would be the last thoughts on your mind would it be a fucking juice kale drink that would it be the boston fucking red socks or would it be the people you love that you had to go meet joey at 12 that you had to go home for to see your mother in boston all these things that you had let me just do them one time god let me just do this one fucking time and you could take me but now he takes you what do you think you feel like you really think you die do you really think when i die my spirit's just gonna die that's it that i'm just gonna fucking lay on that floor and die well that you really think so well that's what i was thinking

about when you said your people were watching over you i don't know if your spirit but like the when you said like you had anthony belzano like watching over you like i think it's more like since they had an impact on you you live your life thinking about them like i don't know if well that you know i don't know if like uh like your specific spirit like lives on but like god forbid when if you pass let's say in 30 years you pass away and i'm i i have a kid like i'm gonna live my life thinking like the way like i'll be like i can't sit here like i'll think about you yelling at me if like watching a game instead of being with the kid or whatever it's true like it's hard to imagine like i don't like thinking about it like uh like whenever we

talk about your mom passing away it makes me think about my mom inventions and it's gonna kill me but it's uh like it's hard to imagine like you especially just you because you're so crazy like like your spirit going away like you're just so like loud like you know you think about people you think of certain people yeah you know they're not fucking dead dead dead and physical there's certain people that you know when they died they're not fucking dead there's no way that person's still here number one darin rager till this day i never believed that kid died i don't care what they told me new jersey i don't care who went to the fucking lake i don't care because i knew that kid i knew that kid i just know they took him somewhere temporary that's how i think in my mind

i think they take them somewhere temporary and i know in my mind i'm gonna see him again which is scary you know i was just coming up the stairs yeah i'm just coming up the elevated and it was dark out when i left this one i was thinking about fernie for some reason i was thinking about a friend of mine fernie boss of sudo we never spoke again after eight nineteen who the fuck knows i still think about fernie in the back of my disgusting mind i still think that i could catch a plane someday and i'll bump into fernie yeah you know so for me it's a real thing like for me domic speciale i know darin rager didn't go nowhere for me for the fucking domic sister to pop into my life 20 years later and to talk to me once a week

and she's somebody just saw her on a psychic show this debt to her brother fucking killed her too and for her to call me at times and go hey i had a dream about my brother that he asked for your book you know me and our brother were tight when we were kids and we got disconnected by a dumb thing or it was a weed deal then he died we were on the house when he died over this weed deal it wasn't that we were on the house we were still friends it was my first it was one of my first street disappointments he did something somebody robbed my house he found out about he couldn't say nothing to me he was caught between a wall you know he couldn't say something to me when i found that that he knew i couldn't talk to him again but eventually i would have talked to him we had

gone through too much together as kids yeah it wasn't that i wasn't talking to him we just weren't what we were you know and then he died which is also so that's that's another lesson lesson i fucking learned you know so uh i just i've always felt that and especially damn lesson man i would tell you something and i know you watch these tv shows and people say it all the time i'm not even gonna say it how most people say it you know most people who i'm looking to be live i've been in bed situation let me tell you something i've been in crazy situation and i know that something and not you know i was friends with a guy that i talk about very seldom that one of the robber bank on christmas day every day in the store probably that doesn't sound crazy white

dude in colorado solid solid solid white motherfucker from from norfolk virginia solid six foot two 260 fat big smokes and guards didn't smoke weed vietnam vet fucking ace fucking mechanic ace mechanic i mean this guy could think of what he did listen to he would listen to see a car and tell you what was wrong go here boom boom i mean he was just an ace mechanic but his specialty was debt and blowing up shit was he one of the guys that he went to when you like your ex-wife and her boyfriend yeah that crazy no no no no those are the vietnam vets and boulder oh this was the first guy i became friends with that i didn't really know his background okay i knew his wife and his wife used to come over to my house to get high with my they all

worked together with my roommate and his girlfriend they all worked together they would come over and i used to start to talk to her and she took a liking to me she goes you know do you want to come home for dinner i think my husband really good a kick out of you you know and i started going over there and we started watching movies and they turned me on to cigars and then one day we were watching scarface mm-hmm and we're talking about weapons and he goes hold on one second he goes wait till my wife goes to sleep so we went another room he moved over a couch and i'm gonna count she had a safe and he opened up that fucking safe dog and it was everything you ever dreamed of what the fucking arrows he had everything explosives bombs c4 i mean this guy was a one

man wrecking fucking machine jesus and he was a mechanic and you wouldn't know it you know that he was on he would talk to me and then one day he asked if i want to learn to shoot and and he fucking broke me down from a to z he taught me how to shoot how to off balance i mean this guy was fucking badass yeah so i opened up to him and i told him listen i want to get into robbing teach me about safes and blowing them up and this and that now at this time i knew that if you rob something you took the safe home with you in the movies there we show you breaking into the safe there you take the safe to go so you have time to do whatever you need to do you know especially if you don't know what the fuck you're doing yeah and he taught me a lot of shit but his main thing

that he taught me was weapons he knew everything he taught me little things that i never even dreamed of never even dreamed of and it fueled my weapons at that time i was a big weapon guy i wanted to shoot people yeah there'll be a tough guy needed a weapon i needed to know i wanted to go back and kill my stepfather but he was involved with you know and this guy just fed my fucking he fed that void you know yeah and i would sleep over on friday nights and on saturday we'd go fucking shoot for 10 hours man oh yeah every weapon wow but then he opened up to me and he goes this is what i want from me i want backup i want you to fucking rob the the bank with me on christmas day he goes you're gonna net this i got two other guys blah blah blah blah blah this is crazy and he had a plan to rob

the aspen bank the day before christmas when all the money was in there all the day after christmas that's what it was the day after christmas like it's like going to take the it's like the yankees red sock game yeah you know that it's a gold mine in there so why why didn't you do it i didn't do it because i was a pussy but something had happened i went back home that's what happened did he try it no he didn't try it either okay we were all like a foursome had the plan had broken apart by one of the security things he had he had something in place but the guy lost his job so that's how it fell through okay even things like that that's what i mean that sometimes i was i've never been put in a bad position bro this time people come and get you you're getting a car you're

in a car with three thugs you don't know what's gonna happen that happened to me 15 times before i learned my lesson and they're talking about going to do this they're talking about going to do that you ever see bronx tail no i've heard of it but at the end at the end that's how they're going to go get fucking these black kids on the side of the bronx and something makes them get out of the fucking car and the three kids get shot or something i don't know the ending but that's what i'm talking about you're gonna go bro come on you gotta go over there with them the next thing you know you know very interesting that uh one of the things i i learned about what about my father how he died and the stories that went around that my mother told me a story that he had died of a

heart attack and then i went to miami to stay with this guy redalfo castor young i would do every summer and every summer you know for two days we'd be really cool and on the third day he started drinking he always drank he owned the construction company was a millionaire he had grown up with my mother and father in cuba my mother was godmother to their daughter and he was his his he was like a pseudo godfather to me i had a godfather that blessed me but he was supposed he was doing time something happened and redalfo was very good to me i still i still keep in contact with the kids and one thing led to another and uh he told me a story by mistake that he wasn't supposed to tell me and the story goes like this that they were partying he goes at the time he goes

i don't know if you know this your father had to borrow on 29th street and when my mother when the first real house i remember i always lie about this not because i lie but because i forget like after my dad died we had we lived on 205 west 88th street then 89th street but in that process when i was three to maybe four we lived in a house on 29th street and maybe like new york avenue and jersey all the way to not no the other way i forget you know it doesn't really matter it was like two and a half blocks from the bar and next to us lived redalfo and i remember that redalfo was an eccentric guy at the time he bought me a a car like he used to always go to california he was one of those cubans to get weed and at one time he bought like one of those little race cars

in the street in 1966 and i had this little race car that my mother left there that they were furious about it for years like my mother left they had so much money they left this fucking race car in jersey when they moved to new york and and if redalfo was still alive he'd still say i can't fucking believe your mother left they cost me like four fucking thousand dollars you know what four thousand dollars was in 1966 and all this shit so the story was like this that uh my father had the bar they had the the restaurant now they opened up this bar and my father was a committee man they were rocking and rolling and they were doing blow but at the time earlier years earlier my father dabbled in heroin they sold heroin that's how they made their bulk of their money

because there were spanish people who were moving heroin for the jews and the jews couldn't do the contact with the spanish people so my father was that intermediary at it i found out about this shit later on in my life with the heroin this is how they made millions in the 50s and early 60s and we talked about the book the pleasant avenue connection yeah that the book that they talked about the cubans and it was all jews the big jew they worked out of stage deli some day we'll go to stage deli wait till you see those fucking sandwiches though but the stage deli has been there since jesus less chicago i didn't know this while i was growing up i found about this years later that my father was involved in this but uh at the bar that night that was celebrating and there was

coat and there was some of the people there from the heroin days uh but there was this guy rodolfo castrillon and rodolfo was a businessman but he was also a drug dealer killer slash whatever at the time and he didn't want to go out that night that february 26th my father's birthday he didn't want to go out he had something the next morning that he had to be there early so he didn't want to fucking go out at all so they kept calling the lord rodolfo come down for one fucking drink he kept saying nah i want to go down there i got to do this thing tomorrow i got to be bright and early no i went out last night night before and they kept torturing him at one point at night my father does the coke and it was real heroin and he dies from an overdose he has a heart

attack whatever his brains are coming out of his nose they keep calling rodolfo going rodolfo come down here man he's dying he kept saying nah you guys are just fucking torturing me oh god you guys just and they're like hurry up he's dying seriously come down here he said he turned the phone off and went to sleep and the next morning he woke up to knock saying he died and he goes i never forgave that like i never fucking i could never understand that you know he goes till this day i never forgot that feeling of not helping somebody you know like just so it's really weird how you live your life sometimes you don't know what the i don't even know what the moral of the story was why i said this i'm fucking high yeah i mean you were talking about just uh like the

the guy in denver the the guy who was the uh the mechanic and who you just uh the way like oh you see you you said you shouldn't be alive like you've done crazy things yeah like that's how you opened it up fuck i'm i can't believe i remember that no i'm fucking stolen to the gills too that's what happens on a monday morning uh like i was talking before part of my thing lately on my skin looks good i don't know what the headaches are from i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday i'm gonna go draw some blood this morning just i don't wake up with a headache today i feel great but uh the on it is really fucking on it i really gotta tell you i didn't figure out on it the names the other day but i was taking this shit reading an article about on it i'm like that's why they

call it on it because it's fucking on it this morning again monday i had my little protein shake i feel you don't hear my stomach growling nothing i only farted one time i put a banana in there chocolate banana hemp force i fucking love it you can't live without it but you really cannot live without the alpha brain if you're not taking the fucking alpha brain and your your cylinders and like joe says on his thing even if you get the chemicals that are in there and fucking take them on your own you're missing the fucking boat i'm a fat fuck the shroom tech tremendous the vita packs tremendous the fucking hemp force uh protein bars tremendous if you don't go to fucking on it and put church in there or joey or whatever the fuck it is you could put church in

on it it ain't gonna work out for you you get 10 percent off you get put on a mailing list that's a beautiful thing you feel like a fucking savage look even my skin feels good i only got one pimple under my neck i whacked off last night i was horny as fuck i couldn't give the wife a stabbing she didn't feel good yesterday so you can't be fucking messing around with the wife besides that we got hulu still hulu they're fucking around more and more people telling me thank you that they've gone on to hulu thank you don't fucking be one of those momos still at home you're broke try it on try it out for fucking two weeks in september if it don't work for you fucking you go away try it out for two weeks after you try seven ninety nine a month after that you're not

going to fucking lose dollar shave club six dollars a month yeah six dollars a fucking month that's what you're trying to tell me like one dollar a month is the lowest is the lowest one let's just go for the six you get the nice fucking razors the heavy look at this shit i ain't fucking around with you motherfuckers look at this razor i took one with me look at these fucking cartridges for starters the oldies these are fucking cartridges here you know what they charge you for these things but this is the thing that kills me this ain't no fucking two ounce that's a fucking weapon dollar shave club you get the fucking uh the shave bother is tremendous this is fucking tremendous i took these blades with me now everywhere these are fucking blades

yeah for six dollars you know what you leave one in a fucking hotel room you don't even feel bad it's when you drop 18 on a fucking thing that's when you fucking feel bad yeah dollar shave club you go to the box what are you pressed on right church and uh church for dollar shave club hulu for joey and the thing about the people that we have it's like small companies like hulu has this show now the awesomes like they're they're creating shows now they're a company that's that's taking it and and the awesomes is just one it's a great show from the guy from s and l but even the you love the guy from dollar shave club it's like it's american companies that are making the stuff and and he probably had a job but now he now he's he's sending out

razors and doing it making a killing and it's just it's really cool and he's got a mexican do that work in the warehouse look at the fucking video go to dollar shave club he's a cool motherfucker things are happening down here with the church like i told you wednesday night at the ice house eight thirty a live show i have like three or four people for guests i'm still waiting no matter what it's always gonna fucking rock friday at 13th saturday 14th i'm a gotham mother fucking comedy club lee what do you got for me cocksucker what's going on in your world just got this weekend what do you got that's it i got i got the porland uh the porland one let's do that i don't have anything to promote i got a job you're fucking slipping how long do you have this job for now

uh probably until i'll i'll late october early november and we're gonna have a guest today but it's monday fuck it we just wanted to come at you directly it was a weird fucking podcast today but i love that we talked about some interesting shit today yeah i told you how my junkie father died i told you that we believe in fucking spirits what else what else lee you haven't paid attention yeah no you gotta you gotta be uh when you're getting a spanish woman be on point because don't fucking stab me in the neck and that's it but you know i forgot to do one thing though i would like to talk about you know i haven't watched i don't know if i've watched mtv in fucking years because i don't even know what's on i think the last thing i watched on mtv was

the osborns right yeah i'm on tv i'm gonna tell you something guys that i a lot of people don't know but i went to to vma is in 84 uh the video musical awards at radio city me and a kid named mike askelis were tight we had nothing to do we went into the city and some guys were giving away tickets this is when nobody knew of what fucking uh mtv was nobody fucking knew and we went we sat in the fucking back upstairs and there were free tickets and all of a sudden this fucking little dirty white chick came out named madonna you ever see that like a virgin when she stripped down no no fucking thing lip-syncing the whole fucking thing and she went she kept taking clothing off if you want to see a friend that that started this whole thing of shocking that's what miley cyrus is

trying to do they're trying to shock you how cute did she look did she look she's a little fucking girl i don't know what i saw last night i don't know if it was the vma's or the video with the bunny rabbit he is on top that was probably the vma's yeah oh my god it was disgusting it was fucking disgusting i don't know where society's going when i seen her ass on a little pussy that's what made it worse at least go buy a fucking little twat something you're fucked so let's just stay in an in an alternate universe you weren't married and you were 15 you wouldn't be one of the guys going after like a 19 year old no no what's your limit what's your limit yeah just somebody cool i could talk to you know there's a difference between a blowjob and a

fucking woman or getting a piece of ass and somebody to hang out with yeah always remember that there's a big fucking difference and you don't have to make that choice i i i would feel guilty hitting on a 19 year old girl really yeah i would feel fucking disgusting i that's disgusting to a guy like me where i come from so serious i don't care how sweet that fucking monkey is i'm not how sweet that monkey is under like 35 i can't because i know it's a bad move for you i know you're fucking confused you confused six years from now you're gonna have a real husband your age you're gonna have to sound you suck some 50 year old man's dick when you were fucking stupid and confused that's embarrassing for a fucking girl i've seen my dick lately it's all brown and shit

i'm white how can my dick be fucking brown that's because it's disgusting you would want some chick to suck that that's 19 and think about that the rest of her life she'd have fucking drink to that shit i know if i was a 19 year old girl and i sucked an old man's dick i wouldn't be the same after that i fucked myself even if i was coked out or whatever seriously i don't know we i don't like it that's probably i would always think like like it's not it's not gonna happen but i would always think you'd be like into like 20 year old girls and you just have like 18 of them around you're like fuck no no i don't mind talking to them if they want to talk with there comes a level i know where they're getting confused and it's just dumb no i'd be embarrassed

i have a daughter would i want a 50 year old fucking my 19 year old well i have nieces would i want if i went over if i went fucking home to tennessee with my wife and my niece was banging a 40 year old i'd be fucking furious i'm mad that she's dating an 18 year old i'm pissed that she's no my niece is 17 she's dating a 20 year old kid i'm fucking furious he's not in high school with her that's not right yeah no i i agree i'm surprised you agree i go i would have imagined something different you know there's a girl on my facebook that i went to high school with yeah and when i was fucking 16 this girl was a piece of a spanish girl hot as shit guess what she never fucking talked to me as a matter of fact she never talked to nobody my fucking age because she was dating

20 year olds and she was 17 and she was dating guys with cars and they would pick her up at school she i don't even think she went yeah she went to the prom with a fucking man and all this shit well guess what she's on facebook now she's 50 like me and she's single with a daughter and i look at her now and every week she goes to all this shit and all these stupid events but you know what she's 50 and she's fucking single so you follow you just follow i'm going with this shit yeah like what was the fucking point because to be cool now she's 50 and single i would hate to be fucking 50 and single right now really fuck yeah i would hate to be 50 and single knowing that if tomorrow i got sick who would who would help me in the hospital who would take care of my fucking cats who would

share this with me you know what i'm saying who the fuck you want to be fit listen when you're 25 you have this thought in your head that you're gonna be single and you're gonna be charles bronchin and living in an apartment yeah but that's gets old when you're 38 and then you've had it to have somebody to wake up with somebody and share a life with somebody and then not have that at 55 or 56 i mean it's not the end of the fucking world don't get me wrong but it just always i always giggle how she was really cool when we were 16 and now when she's 50 and her ass is falling and her tits are flap jacked out who the fuck is not gonna do it ain't nobody with a porch there no more now you gotta settle to what they're giving you i see some of the guys she dates on that facebook

and i feel fucking sorry for her i see the bar where she hangs out in jersey and i feel fucking sorry for her but what are you gonna fucking do you know uh she was too cool yeah she was too fucking cool and that's life is a bomb it's a fucking get out there and suck a dick your own age you dirty bitch gonna go out there and suck some old fucking 50 year old cop that's disgusting it's despicable and shit lisa yeah what do you got for me anything just oh please come out to the live podcast there's the honestly the most fun that i have every month so we have this one at the ice house next week we have the one in portland in a couple few weeks uh and that that's it that's i mean i don't have anything else to promote let's listen to this podcast we love you stay black

have a great day all right guys uh now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus uh when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner and also don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com you'll get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail we love these guys and you will too now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollar shape club banner

i love you cock suckers it's monday go out there do your fucking thing todo tiene su final nada dura para siempre tenemos que recordar que no existe eternidad como el lindo clave solo quiso clorecer y enseñarnos