Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #088 | ROBERT ILER | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Wednesday, August 11th..... Today we caught up with our friend, ROBERT ILER… This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, Lucy.co & CBD Lion..... Go to https://www.stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY - 4 week Trial, Free Postage & a Digital Scale! Go to https://www.Lucy.co - PROMO CODE: JOEY Go to https://www.CBDLion.com PROMO CODE: JOEY or CHURCH Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #RobertIler #AJSoprano #TheSopranos The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

what's happening you bad motherfuckers it's wednesday august 11th the joint is brought to you by stamps.com this summer has been great for me so far you know i'm saying between the little league the barbecues little fucking parties i'm having a great time i'm enjoying life's little pleasures but i'll tell you what i don't enjoy is going back to a fucking post office with stamps.com you could skip the post office and save money on postage send letters ship packages anytime anywhere write from your computer buy print ship it's that simple with stamps.com you pay a whole lot less get discounts up to 40% from the post office rates and up to 66% from ups listen to me my wife has been using stamps.com for the last 10 years and i fucking love it she doesn't have to go to a post

she prints out the label smacks it on the fucking box puts it in front of the door and the mailman picks it up they have letters whatever you got you got a small business stamps.com is a must-have print the us postage for any letter package a class of mail it's no wonder over a million small businesses have already signed up with stamps.com stop wasting your time going to the post office go to stamps.com instead it's no risk use promo code joey to get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale with stamps.com there are no long-term commitments or contracts go to stamps.com click on the microphone on the top of the home page and type in joey that stamps.com promo code joey never go to the post office again with stamps.com

the joint is also brought to you by lucy nicotine gum listen it's fucking august of 2021 and you're still smoking cigarettes with the fucking pandemic roaring and whatnot it's time to fucking quit when you're having a craving for a cigarette you just need a little something to satisfy the fucking habit that's where lucy.co comes in you understand me you could call me ricky ricardo because i fucking love lucy whether it's the the little tablets or the gum lucy gum comes in three flavors that fucking taste tremendous wintergreens cinnamon and pomegranate and if you don't like gum try the cherry ice flavor sausage fucking tremendous it comes in two and four milligrams that'll make you jump up and salute the fucking flag so go to lucy.co use promo code joey to get

20 off all the products including gum and losages let's lucy.co see dot oh dot use promo code joey at checkout remember here's the legal mumbo jumbo i gotta read here the product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but you already know that go to lucy.co use promo code joey the joint is also brought to you by my personal favorite c b d lion when it comes to c b d nobody does it like the lion whether it's the roll on whether it's the cream the kinesiology tape the bath balls the fucking vapor pens c b d lion will get the c b d to you i love the new c b d gummies with melatonin the fucking slumberberry is tremendous the mixtures tremendous listen to me go to c b d lion read about the third party lab results

and get on board use promo code joey or church and get 20 off delivered to your house c b d lion nobody does it like them and now it's time for the motherfucking joint cox smokers let's do this shit check one the What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday, the 11th of August, eight more days and I'll be here a motherfucking year.

That's a fast fucking year, ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I've had a great fucking week. So far, I went to the dentist Monday. It looks like in a couple of weeks, this tooth of the little fang is coming the fuck out and they're gonna fix that whole piece there and hopefully this infection will be the fuck over.

I don't know what caused it. I haven't eaten fucking strange ass in 21 fucking years. So usually when you had like a cold sore or something, you're like, I ate some fucking rotten ass the other day but that hasn't been the case with me. I've been a married man for 21 years. So who the fuck knows where this fucking little fang got fucking infected from?

The family's good, been having a great time. Sunday night, I went to this, the town had like this fucking outdoor little festival. It rained out, but fucking, I said, what the fuck? It's just a little bit of rain. Let's go down there and see what's cracking. Went down there, it was fucking tremendous. Kids were all over the place, fucking running.

Cops were there, fucking talked to a bicycle cop for a little while. He listened to the podcast. It's fucking crazy when a cop comes up to you and is like, I listened to your podcast. You're like, really, are you gonna arrest me now? Cause fuck, he was looking at me all weird. But it happens, but it was weird.

They had like a band, they had food trucks, they had fireworks and I realized Sunday night at 58 that Jews don't like fucking fireworks, man. They lose their fucking minds when fireworks go up. I've never seen so many people leave a fucking thing so fast. Once the fireworks started going, I saw all the Yarmulkes walking the fuck out of there.

It was crazy. They do not like fucking fireworks. I was talking to Lee last night on the phone. I'm like, Lee, what is it with Jews and fireworks? They do not like fucking fireworks. He goes, that's funny. I don't like fireworks either. So it's true.

Jewish people don't like, he goes, I wonder why. I go, it's maybe to remind you of Germany. I don't fucking know. They just don't fucking like it. Maybe fucking fireworks are done in Germany. I have no fucking idea, but I've never seen so many Jews leave. I was talking to one.

He's like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm like, what the fuck? Don't Jewish people like fireworks? I guess not. But anyway, fuck. I never fucking realized that I'm 58. I grew up with a bunch of Jewish people and I never really noticed that till the other

fucking night that it's all over. Once that first fucking grenade goes off in the air, they're done. They're like, fuck it. This ain't the Gaza Strip. We're getting the fuck out of here. This is fucking scary here. Who gives a fuck?

We're having a good time on a Wednesday morning, cockfuckers. Wash your helmets. We're going launching today, motherfuckers. But that's about it, man. I'm having a good fucking time. I'm feeling a lot better. I've been writing lately.

And I'll tell you what, me and Mike were talking about Tom Morello before. The Tom Morello's knowledge of fucking music is incredible. I've always been a big fan of rage against the machine. And one day, me, Joe Rogan, and Eddie were eating that. Some fucking, we were at Fairfax and Sunset. And there used to be, there's a Starbucks there across the street from that breakfast joint.

I forget what the fuck the name of it is. And next to the Starbucks used to be a Mexican joint. Now it's a hamburger place. So when I was in LA, it was a hamburger place. And I'll never forget one day, fucking, we're inside getting the food. Me and Joe, we come out and Eddie Bravo is sitting there with Tom Morello.

And I had to do everything I could to fucking control myself because the inner fag in me came out, right? Cause like, I don't give a fuck about movie stars. I don't give a fuck about famous comedians. But a musician, like if I see Joe Perry, I have a heart attack, like especially guitar players. Like I just fucking cream all over myself. But I didn't ask him for a picture of nothing cocksuckers.

I didn't fag out on him or whatever. I sat there, I said, hello, and I just talked to him. And we just talked about different music. I mean, I didn't say that much because I was kind of embarrassed. Eddie did all the talking, which is fucking scary. I mean, he was talking about kiss and shit. It was great, but I become a fan of Tom Morello's

with, you know, his radio show on Sirius. And I gotta tell you something. His fucking knowledge of music is phenomenal. Just now, Mike was telling me that he did a copy of another brick in the wall. I heard Highway to Hell the other day. He did a fucking thing on Highway to Hell. The other day on the Patreon, I played fucking Voodoo Child.

It was either Jimi Hendrix's version or fucking Tom Morello's version. I mean, Tom Morello's aptitude for music is phenomenal. I don't know if it's a double degree he has, double major. But I was telling Mike before, like, it really helps to have that aptitude. When you bump into those big time musicians, you could tell they have, it's like bumping into a fighter.

When you bump into a UFC fighter, you could goof on them and stuff. They're very, they're very calm because they have nothing to prove. You know, you expect the fighter to be like, nah, not even fucking close. A real top notch fighter doesn't act that way. And a real musician, when you're around the,

you know, you ever see like those skinny guys that have like the tight leather pants and they're like full heavy metal guys all fucking day. And once they get on stage, they suck dick. You know, the guys that you see on a plane with the fucking guitar walk on, like really, check the fucking guitar, cocksucker. No, they put it on the plane,

they put it in the overhead compartment. All those dudes are fucking fugazies. You never see Tom Morello with a fucking carrying his guitar around, even though he's part of the 20,000 hour rule, whatever the fucking guitar plays. But just talking to him that day gave me a sense and listening to him on serious, holy shit,

the way he described music. But the point I was getting to that is, and I know you people are gonna look at me and say, this guy's fucking out of his mind. I'll tell you what, man, I know a lot about fucking comedy. It's really weird how scary it is to me. When I write out what standup is,

like when I write, like I've been just, I was thinking the other day, maybe I should put a book out about your standup comedy. Like my experiences, all that shit, instead of a book about my life. Like that's the second thing I'm looking at right now. So I wasn't just making notes the other night. And it's weird that it all comes back

to the first time I shot Marin. The first time I shot Marin was the first time I realized that I was really fucking experienced to do whatever the fuck you gave me with standup. And then I remember shooting, this is not happening afterward. And looking at the first one and going, Jesus Christ, when it comes to comedy,

I know what I'm doing. Like I raised my voice at the right time. You know, when you write a joke, you have to look at the words and see how you structured them. It's all this fucking thing. And after 30 years, you learn so fucking much, you know. And it's just a great feeling to know

that you're good at something. Like now that I'm just doing a podcast these days, I don't feel like I'm good at shit. You know, I've been struggling the last year, you know, because I don't feel like I'm good enough, especially without doing standup. And that's what was bothering me. That I'm so fucking good at standup.

I have so much knowledge about standup from Lenny Bruce to Richard Pryor to fucking, you know, Jonathan Winters. I mean, I listened to all those fucking albums. I did the work and it really pays off, you know. I was telling you a couple of weeks ago, I took a guitar lesson from Rudy and I fucking gave me an anxiety attack. He was like a drill sergeant.

He knew so many things about music that even my like regular guitar player, my regular guitar teacher is very good. He's a fucking shredder, but he doesn't have the knowledge that Rudy has. Even though Rudy's a fucking bass player, it's just so fucking weird. Anyway, we have a guest today.

It's Wednesday. I always do a little zoom on Wednesday to break it up for you guys. I give you an ear beating on Mondays and then Wednesday we fucking ease it off. So I give you another ear beating the follow on Monday. This guest today, I really have enjoyed his friendship. He is my friend.

I really have to tell you this because it's been really weird. One day Josh Wolf reached out to me and said, "'Robert Isla wants to be on the podcast." I'm like AJ and I almost fucking had a heart attack. I'm like, are you fucking serious? And he came into the office and he was a complete gentleman.

Then I think we talked a couple of times on the phone and then I did his podcast before I left with Jamie Lynn. And one night when I was here, like in August, after I moved into this house, it had to be September, one night he just checked up on me and I was like blown the fuck away that this young kid was checking up on me,

see how I was doing. And he said to me that, he goes, the reason why I called you and then he called again, like after me and Mike started doing the joint. And one day he texted me one night, I was sitting in the couch, watching TV with my wife

and I got a text from Robert Isla and he goes, "'How can these people pay all this money "'to put a TV show together "'and you're just as entertaining, "'talking to the air all by yourself "'because I can't figure that out?' "'So ever since that time I got, you know, "'I called them up, I didn't text them back

"'and we had a long talk about podcasts "'and about comedy and about all this shit "'and he's just a great fucking guy.' "'So without further ado, "'I bring you Mr. Robert Isla, "'known as AJ from the Sopranos. "'Enjoy, cock-suckers.' Thank you, sir.'

Robert, what's the story? What's going on, brother? How are you? How are you, my man? What's been going on? It's good to see you, nothing, man. Just, you know, life still kind of feels like it's on pause in a way, a little bit,

but yeah, I don't mind it, you know? I'm chilling. How's Jersey? Jersey's good, man. A lot better than what I thought it would be. It's changed a lot, 30 fucking years that I've been gone, but it's a good change, you know? It's still good.

I'm in a fucking child neighborhood. I'm in a big-time kid neighborhood, which is good for my daughter. She's shitty for me. You know, I'm a fucking old man in this neighborhood, but it's still great. How's LA treating you? LA's all right.

For me, like, there's New York, and then everywhere else is kind of all the same. I don't really care where I am, you know? If I'm in New York, I love it, but I'm just at the point where I'm like, how many, I did like two winters away from New York in a row and then trying to do a winter there back. I was like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Like, I just, I couldn't figure it out, but I got family in Jersey over by Rutgers, and they love it. What does that say to you? You miss Jamie? Yeah, I miss Jamie. She moved to Austin. She went when everybody left,

but she's loving it, her kids. You know, the big thing was like, she was like, my kids gotta go to fucking school. Like, you know, the kids in LA, like, weren't going to school. They'd go to school for two days, and it would all shut down again because somebody would get COVID

or there'd be word of somebody would COVID or it would just shut down because nobody got COVID. And it was like, she's like, I can't keep doing this to my kids. Like, you know, when a kid is, you know, one of her kids is two years old, three years old. She's like, not being around other kids is like, you feel like it's, you're doing such a disservice

to your kid, you know? It was a shitty fucking feeling. When the pandemic first hit, it was wild seeing my daughter slipping. I saw a kid that, her first grade teacher wasn't her kindergarten teacher. She didn't like her first grade teacher. I could tell cause she would talk a lot

about the teacher at home. She never mentioned the first grade teacher. So she wasn't having a good time already in the first grade and then the pandemic hit. And I could tell she was going backwards, like, mentally. You know, I saw my child getting sad. She didn't know, you know, you can't explain to a seven year old why they can't go to school.

For a couple of days, she thought she had done something wrong. You know, so it was kind of like, it wasn't good. And we were taking her to places and people were staying away from us. You know, we understood what was going on, but children really didn't understand. And it weighed a lot, it weighed so much on her

that when that mother fucker announced, Garcetti that there was no school in LA, I went and got a house three or four days later. Like that announcement was made July 12th and I knew my daughter had to go to school. I knew we had to get the fuck out of there. The people had fallen apart around us. I mean, nobody really knew.

So I'm not mad at anybody. Nobody really knew the rules. Do you remember when they were telling you to wipe your mail? Like wipe the fucking mail and shit? Nobody fucking knew, you know? So you have to, now we know more, you know, we see what the fuck's going on, but in the beginning, nobody knew Dick.

And it was scary for people. And you know, nobody was going out. We couldn't get played dates outside. It was just me, her and my wife and a fucking tree. There was a tree in Noho Park and she would climb it and get off it. After a month, she got sick of that fucking tree. So I could tell that, yeah,

you just get sick of the fucking tree. She couldn't even look at the fucking tree no more. And I couldn't blame her, you know? And that's why I made the move. You look at your children now, like they weren't, this is not good and the numbers are going up again. And parents are sitting here going, are we gonna take this beating again this year?

I mean, there's a lot of parents. I know LA is expecting it. I know New York is expecting it. Fuck in Texas, the numbers are blowing up. But this is what they're telling you, Robert. If you're not there, like when they tell you shit every day that things are going bad, then you talk to somebody there

and they're like, things are all right over you. I don't know what they're talking about. So who knows what the fuck is going on? All we could do is control what we do right now, I guess. You've been acting? And that's the thing, I think like more people need to be comfortable with saying like, yeah, I don't fucking know.

We're like, you know, I'm not on social media, but I hear all these like anybody on Twitter is like, if you even say like, oh, you know, I got a sore arm from the vaccine. They're like, you're an anti-vaxxer. You're at this point. And they're like, no, the person's like, no, I just said I got the vaccine.

And here's what I, it's like, you know, the same way you said at first when it came out, they said all this stuff. And then they said this and then they said that. And even up until, you know, four months ago, it was like, if you got the vaccine, you can't spread it this. So what we know is we don't know, right?

We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what's going on. So just being able to be like, hey, yeah, I don't know. Like I'm not really sure. I think that's what we need to do more instead of everybody like, you know, like like four months ago, people were yelling at you. If you didn't get the vaccine, like you,

you're spreading it, you're spreading it. And now that's different. It's like, hey, maybe let's just like, we don't know. Like we don't know what the fuck is going on. I think, I don't know, man. I don't think enough people are comfortable being like, I don't fucking know. Like, because that's how I feel, you know,

with all of it in the last year and a half. And I was just dating this girl, you know, we stopped talking because she, you know, she's like, oh, I want to have kids. And the next, when we met, she said, I wasn't sure if I want kids. I said, I wasn't sure if I want kids. And then her sister had a baby and she came back

from seeing the baby and she's like, I want kids. And I got a three year timeline. Like I want kids after she like held the baby and saw her family around the baby. And I totally got it. I was like, yeah, I get it. But like after this last year and a half, I told her, I'm like, I don't know.

Like how after, for me, like after seeing how life was in this last year and a half, for me planning three years ahead with somebody who I met two months ago, I'm like, this seems crazy to me. Like, how the fuck can we do this? So we just, you know, we kind of went our separate ways. But it's, you know, I don't know.

I hear people making plans for five years from now. Oh, here's what I'm going to be doing that. I'm like, what? I don't know through, I just assigned another fucking year lease. I'm like, I feel crazy putting this pen to paper saying, I'll be here another year. How the fuck do I know?

It's just crazy. It all feels nuts, you know? I gave up. I lived day to day. I gave up. I know what I want to do. And I know what I don't want to do, you know? I took an acting job at the end of the month,

even though the numbers are going high, you know, what are you going to do? Stay the fuck home all the time. You got to have some type of contact. You got to be out there and you got to work a little bit, you know, and when I took the job, I'm like, what am I fucking crazy? I'm like, no, this is what we do.

And we got to keep pushing. If not, you know, they're just going to keep selling fear to you. And, you know, if you go online right now, they're selling fear. They're selling the vaccine that they're pushing the numbers. They're telling you, and you know what? I'm fucking sick of it.

Like, I don't even want to read it no more. I got the vaccine. I got a J and J shot between you and I. I don't even know if there was anything in there. I think it was fucking water with fucking powder. You know, for all I fucking know, it was Johnson and Johnson powder. They put some water in there to make it look a little weird

and they fucking shot it in my arm. I didn't get sick. I didn't get, I had a headache for a few days. People saying to me, you know, I've had some health issues the last year and people like, do you think it's the vaccine? No, I would love to fucking blame the vaccine. But I was sick before I fucking took the shot.

You know, I had anxiety and my tooth was fucked up and I had knee surgery. So it had nothing to do with the vaccine. It was just my anxiety was from last August. You know, my fucking dental work was from last year in California and my gums got swollen. So I don't know what the fuck happened with the vaccine. People gave me shit for getting the vaccine.

And I, but I knew it was gonna turn into what's going on now. They're threatening people. You know, I saw something last night where just a thing, I went to check a score on Yahoo or some shit and it said, you know, you're gonna lose money at work if you don't get vaccinated.

What the fuck are you talking about? So we're not gonna get paid our worth because we're not vaccinated. I mean, and I know this is bullshit. These are just people writing articles and stupidity, but that's where we're going. So I just wanted to get the vaccine, get it out of the way. And I'm happy I did.

I don't know if I'll get another shot because it doesn't fucking matter. All these unvaccinated, all these vaccinated people are getting the Delta variant. And now they're gonna develop a booster in two weeks. Just like that, just to fucking, so all this sounds fishy. I don't wanna say it's fake

because look what happened to the people that said this is bullshit like Ted Nugent and all these people. There's no COVID in a week later. Like fuck, I got hit by a truck. There's COVID, I wouldn't make up your fucking mind, cock sucker, either there's none. So I don't wanna put COVID down,

but I just say I don't know what the fuck is going on. That's it. Yeah, that's it. That's the only thing I'm fucking secure about right now, you know? It's like, yeah, I don't fucking know. And I think people, you know, like I see, I know people who got in the shot.

I know people who don't get the shot. And I'm like, yeah, I understand. Like it's this whole thing of like, how people don't understand. And then I know somebody else who got the vaccine, him and his wife got COVID three months after they got the vaccine. And, you know, five days later,

they had a trip booked like an international trip. And they were like, well, we got our fucking, our passport, our vaccine passport. So let's go. And they fucking got, they got on the plane and they went, you know, I don't even wanna say where they went, but they went to every other fucking shops

and taking pictures on Instagram and this and they fucking got COVID, you know? So it's like, it's, and then, and then at the same, in the same breath, people will tell you like, oh, you know, the non-vaccinated are bad for doing that. And it's just like, listen, I, I'm not against getting the shot.

I just, I didn't get the shot because I saw the numbers of people who have had COVID already and what happens. And that, you know, from, from what I understand, and listen, I'm not a very smart guy, but from what I understand, the numbers, if you've already had COVID are not very bad. If, if you happen to get it again, I have asthma.

So I take this like inhaled steroid every day and studies actually came out where they said, because of that inhaled steroid, it's, the virus actually isn't as bad for you. Because at first, when I heard about COVID, I didn't leave my fucking apartment for a month because of the asthma and everything. I'm like, oh, this thing is going to fucking,

if this gets me, I'm done. And then like a study came out where they said, people who take the inhaled steroid, actually, I don't even know, I'm, you know, I'm not even smart enough to know exactly the words of how they put it. It's not like you're immune, obviously, but it's, you, you know, it's, it's not as

serious, maybe, I don't even want to say the wrong words, you know, and cause somebody who has asthma to then think that they're safe from fucking COVID because you're not, but it's just, you know, the numbers are already, you know, low, we know with people who get, who die from it and stuff like that. And then on top of it, I've already had it.

And on top of that, I got, I take a steroid every day and I'm like, you know what, I'm just not, I don't, I don't want to get COVID, have COVID and then take the shot and then fucking two years later, they come out with like, oh, everybody who got fucking COVID has to worry about this and everybody who got the shot has to worry about this. And if you got both, you got to worry about this.

I'm like, I just, you know, I also, I don't have a nine to five, you know, I'm not worried about spreading it to my coworkers or this kind of thing. And most of the people I know got the shot or they're not, they understand the risk of not getting it. But I would never push on someone to not get the shot or to get the shot.

I tried to take in as much information as I could. And then at the end of the day, I understood that I'm taking a risk and I decided, I haven't got it yet. I don't, I'm not saying like, oh, I'll never get the shot. I don't know. But just as of now, I have it. And then I also have things that happen to people

in my family that I wouldn't even, because of how crazy shit is now, I wouldn't even want to share it. Cause I don't want people fucking coming after me like, you're fucking anti-vaccine or this, because I'm not, you know, I'm not at all. But I just heard, you know, two things happen to people in my family.

And I was like, I don't, you know, and it's who know. And then, but it's one of those things where it's like, maybe that would have happened to them anyway. You know, you can never prove it. And this, so again, it's like, I don't, I would never say like, I made the right decision. Anybody who got the shot is dumb. Or maybe people who aren't getting the shot are dumb.

The whole thing is, I don't fucking know, you know? With me, I thought about one thing. I heard of somebody who got a shot and they got sick. I really do have a dear friend that his sister took the shot and ended up spiraling out of control. She had to have heart surgery and shit. I thought about that before I went to get the shot. And then I thought about something else.

You ready for this one, Robert? How many fucking drugs have we done? How much coke have I fucking done? You know, if that coke, it's made in the jungle. People step on the fucking leaves, you know, some little Colombian kid with dirty feet steps on the fucking leaves. God knows what I got already inside me between the pills,

the reefer, the cocaine, the fucking angel dust when I was 16. We already put a bunch of wild shit into your body. What's one more fucking wild thing? To calm people down and to calm, you give me peace of mind. You know, it was just peace of mind for me. But I'm seeing these people going, you know, my body's a temple.

Your body's not a temple. I did blow with your fucking 10 years ago and you were fucking eating rocks off the fucking floor, walking around on your hands and knees. You know, when you do those fucking, when you get a surgery and you do those oxy cottons or whatever the fuck they give you, do you have any idea what you're putting in your fucking body?

No. You know, when you do a fucking Xanax or a fucking Klana pen or whatever the fuck you're doing, do you have any idea? No. Then what the fuck's the difference? Take a chance, Columbus did, you know what I'm saying? Every time you do a line of coke,

when you do a line of fucking coke, you might have a heart attack. Right or wrong, when you fucking do a line of speed, you know, so that's how I looked at it. With all this fucked up shit, we all ate a bad piece of ass. We've all had fucking VD and herpes and the whole fucking thing.

What's a shot of some fucking water with powder in it to make you feel better? That's what I thought about. That's what I was thinking about. With all the fucking drugs I did, I'm gonna sit here and fucking talk shit about a vaccine. I've been snorting vaccines for 30 fucking years and now I wanna worry about my body's a temple.

Your body's a fucking disaster. Your body's a fucking disaster. You eat potato chips, you eat nachos from fucking Doritos, you eat McDonald's and you're worried about a fucking vaccine, you cocksucker, so sorry about that. I got a little fucking caught up to that. Cause that's what I was telling myself, you know,

like I'm not gonna get the vaccine. After all the coke you put in your body, you swam in the Hudson, you know what I'm saying? You're fucking breathed and Harlem, you know, you inhaled one of these farts, you're in no danger. You're gonna fucking die anyway. Any way you put it, we're all gonna fucking die. So cut the shit, make up your mind.

If you wanna do a line of coke and you feel fucking vaccinated, then so be it. I don't give a fuck what you do, you know? It was so crazy when I was doing coke, Robin. I'd do like coke for three days and then I'd eat sushi. And just because I ate sushi and ate something like healthy, I was like, fuck, there's nothing wrong with me. Sure there's something wrong with you.

You're snorting coke, you're fucking putting straws in your fucking nose. You know, when you put a dollar bill in your nose, you get hepatitis C. So now you don't wanna shoot the fucking vaccine. Give me a break, will you? Just shoot the fucking vaccine or don't shoot it. And not only doing all the drugs we've done,

but also where we've done it. Like I've done so much coke off of like the back of a toilet, you know, or just like, where like the fucking particles that I was sniffing up or while people are taking a shit next to me. And like, I remember one time we were in line to go to the bathroom and I knew the guy in front of me. He was like a party promoter for fucking forever.

And he comes out of the stall and he goes, I left something in there for you, you know? So I'm like, oh, perfect. You know, I look on top of where like the, not on top of the toilet tank, but where like the toilet paper is, they're just a fucking mound of coke. And I'm like, all right.

So I do a bunch of it, I take a piss. And then all of a sudden I'm like, what the fuck? I'm just like, I felt kind of dizzy or whatever. And it was K, it was special K, but I thought it was fucking cocaine. And I fucking walked that I was, cause I did an amount thinking it was cocaine. You know, if I knew it was K, I probably still would have

did it, but I just would have done a lot less, you know? And I was fucking, I was, it's like you're instantly in what, fear and loathing in Las Vegas. You know, when the camera's like right here and everything is like, he's all fucking crazy. And you're, and it's so crazy because K is one of those only drugs where like,

I was just talking to my friend six minutes ago and was like totally fine. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go take a piss. And I come back on another fucking planet, you know? So not only am I doing drugs, I don't even know what they were, but I'm doing it off of a fucking toilet tank that probably had, or a toilet paper fucking holder

that probably has shit on it and this and whatever. But another thing I thought about is, you know, in these last eight years, I haven't put shit in like, I'm at fucking Whole Foods. And I'm like, oh, that's not organic chicken. Fuck that. Like, you know, so in my head, there's part of me that's like, man, I've done so well,

these last fucking eight years. I'm like, I don't even know how my body would react to something, you know, to fucking do and dry. I think about that show. I'm like, man, I, it's kind of crazy to people. Like when I hear how many people are like on the wagon for so long and then they go off and like, I could understand something setting somebody off

when people are just like, yeah, I don't know. I had 12 years and then it just, you know, I went to the bar and I started them. Like, holy shit. Like it's, it's fucking wild because, you know, I understand death or, you know, divorce or something with your children and people are like, I couldn't cope.

I went to this. But there's some people who go so long and they just, they're like, yeah, I don't know. It was a Tuesday and I felt like having one, you know? So you've been sober for eight years now. Yeah. So I, I stopped everything. I haven't done like hard drugs in or drinking really

in like eight years. But the Xanax, I had to go see, like I couldn't quit Xanax on my own. Everything else I could quit on my own, but the, the Percocets took me a while. Like painkillers took me a while, but the Xanax I couldn't even do on my own. It was Xanax was the fucking craziest.

Trying to stop, like, you know, I never want to like be little people's fucking addictions or this, but when for, just for me, I can only talk about my story. Like quitting opiates for me was a joke compared to quitting Xanax because opiates felt like it was willpower. Xanax felt like I was going to die.

Like I was, it was great. It was like I was falling out of a plane, just sitting on my couch. Like that's how it felt. Like it was like, and you're just fucking sitting there. You know, where, where with opiates for me, it was just, it was that feeling fucking sick and feeling like shit and, and, and, and I had stopped

doing them before. So I knew like, oh, if I just get through these fucking, you know, three days or however long it is, fucking sweat my balls out. And then, but like for me, opiates, the way it felt is like, like you would lay in bed and it would feel like your bed was covered in sand, you know, or like just everything.

Like you'd be like, oh, I'm standing up. I want to sit down. You'd sit down and be like, I want to stand up. If you were thirsty and you're drinking something, when you start drinking, you're like, I'm not thirsty. I'm, it was like the fucking the opposite. And it was annoying in this, but man, Xanax was like, Xanax was, if I had to quit fucking Xanax again

or be like tortured by the Taliban. Like I think I, like, you know, I don't, again, I'm always worried about saying like, you know, I don't want people who are like, my brother was fucking tortured by the Taliban. You piece of shit. Like, you know, or like, that's not, you want your fucking eyelids cut off or whatever.

But it's just when I think of that fucking trying to stop Xanax and you, because it has, it almost like it had nothing to do with me. Like I had no control over what was going on. And I saw this specialist and it's crazy. It's crazy when you go to like therapists or specialists and you have these issues in your head that for years you're like, no one understands

my fucking problem that these problems are such a big deal. This, and you tell this doctor and he's heard it so many times. And he's just like, here's what you got to do. Like, you know, you do this, you do that. Like you'll be fine in, you know, six months or three months or two weeks, whatever your issue.

And you, and like just that alone is like, oh shit. Like a lot of other people have dealt with this before and they're okay. This guy has a fucking, seems to have the answer. And then, yeah, he just, you know, some of the first shit he did was he's like, you can't take Xanax whenever you want. He's like, the first thing you got to do

is you got to get on a fucking schedule. So he put me on a schedule. He's like, whatever you're taking now, the amount of milligrams a day, don't change it. He's like, just take that same amount, but you got to be, hey, I take it every day at 11, three, fucking five, whenever, but it'll keep you on a fucking certain kind of level

where now he's like, the way you take it now is you're waiting until you feel like you need it. So you're really low. And then as soon as you take it, you bounce back up to high. And then you're just counting down the hours again until you need it again. And you're bouncing back up.

He's like, you got to do, even if you don't feel like you need it, nothing. You're just, you're taking it. Your body's getting used to it this. And then, it took me a long fucking time. I'd be making it up if I said the number now, but a year, a year and a half or whatever, but I just slowly went down from like,

I was only taking three milligrams a day, but I had taken it every day for, I don't know, seven years, six years or some shit. And as soon as, as soon as, like getting low wasn't so hard, but it was getting off. Like when it was like, all right, here's the fucking, you know what happened? I'm so like fucking stubborn and like Irish and an idiot

that it was taking me forever to finally quit and like not take, you know, I think I was taken like still half a milligram to go to bed or whatever. Cause I was like, I can't do it without this. I can't, whatever. And I went away to LA for a little bit. And I was, the guy that I was seeing,

he was, he was charging like, I had insurance or something. He was, it was like $300 was the thing. And, and when I had insurance, it was paying for it. And then that sag fucking dropped me because we don't make any money from residuals or anything. So I sag drops me and I, I go to the guy and I go, listen, I can't pay you $300 out of pocket.

Like I'm not doing it, you know? So either I stopped seeing you or what? And he goes, well, we could do 150 a session. I go, great, thank you. So I'm seeing him a couple of times more. I go to LA for a little bit to work on this thing. I come back and I see him and I leave the office and I get a fucking bill for $300.

And I hit him up. Hey, like, I guess, I don't know if you forget or whatever, but we were doing 150. And he was like, oh no, you, you, you went away and came back. So now it's a 300 again. And that was it. I was like, fuck this fucking piece of shit.

I was like, I'm, I'm never taken a fucking Xanax ever again, just so I never have to fucking see this guy ever again. And that night was the first night ever. I went without a Xana. And I remember I was sitting up in my bed, just fucking staring at the wall, like internally shaking. You know, like I felt like I was shaking because I was like angry, but also I was like,

I'm just, this is the first night where I'm not gonna do it. And that was again, all these numbers in your head get so mixed up because I'm like, oh, this is when I stopped drinking. This is when I stopped doing fucking blow. This is when I stopped taking fucking ecstasy. This is this, but it was, you know, somewhere, I think like right around

or right after my 30th birthday. So that'd be like six years ago or whatever. And the only, I took like two Xanax sense then. It was when I got on a plane. And besides that, I haven't fucking touched it. I don't want it. Cause what I think, what I personally believe is eventually the Xanax becomes the thing

that's given you the anxiety. That's what I went through. Cause I didn't take them until the pandemic started. Then I started eating those footballs. Like they said one every four fucking hours. I was blasting one to get in the fucking car. And then I got here. And it was Duff McKagan from guns and roses

who told me, you're going to have a problem. And I looked into it when I moved here. And that's when I started tapering and stuff. And then for the surgery, I just went off to Xanax. And after about a week, I started feeling weird. And I called the buddy of mine. He goes, yeah, you have to taper off. So that fucking Xanax was actually pushing the anxiety.

It's called anxiety rebound or something like that. You just, so to get off it, I quit the daytime. I didn't do what you did. Like, you know, three fucking pills throughout the day, a small amount. I just cleaned myself out of doing nothing in the daytime. And I would just taper off at night. And now I feel great.

It's been two fucking different worlds now, how I feel. But- It's amazing. The anxiety that you fucking get from the Xanax, because once you, you start eating the Xanax to go down, but then you eat the Xanax and you go up. That's what was happening to me. I was really spinning out of control.

So I don't, listen, man, I was always under the impression if you bought a fucking pill on the street, it was bad for you. I thought if a doctor gave you something, you were okay. I found out about the Xanax after I was in already. I didn't, I had no idea that you'd get hooked. I had no idea that it fucks with your GABA receptors. I had no fucking idea that, you know,

I was gonna get depressed and go down and, you know, lose weight. I had no fucking idea. So before you eat fucking Xanax, you better think twice, cocksuckers, because that shit will double up on you. And next thing you know, you're fucking living that anxiety. It's just running you.

It's a fucking nightmare. I had to stop smoking pot and everything because it would just kick up the anxiety. Stop drinking Espresso's. I stopped everything cold turkey. And then I tape it off safely. And here we are today, fucking August 10th of 2021, you know, but fuck, that was a nightmare.

There was no withdrawals with cocaine. There was no withdrawals with reefer. There was no withdrawals with nothing. Xanax was a complete different fucking story. So if you're on Xanax, you better start tapering cocksuckers because it's going to take you somewhere where you don't want to be.

It takes you into the fucking murky waters. Let me ask you this. Why haven't you moved to New York? You want to stay in LA right now? Because you were saying you signed the lease and you didn't know and... Yeah, I just signed the lease. So I'm doing my podcast with Jamie and Kasem.

And it's like, right now, Jamie's in Austin and me and Kasem do it out of LA. And he has like a little studio in his house that we do it out of. So I like the feeling of at least two of us being together and one being away. We're like, if all three of us are in totally different cities and we're doing it over Zoom, it's like,

you know, it's just not something... I love doing the podcast and I don't want it to become a thing where it's like, you know, the passion goes away or this. I feel like when, you know, you got three people and none of you were in the same room, especially when, you know, six months ago, we were in the same room every fucking episode.

So we know that energy, you know? We knew what it was like then. And then you moved to one person being away and you're like, all right, we could still manage. We could still do it. We're in my head. I'm like, if all three of us are in different fucking cities, but also I just, I hate the winter and I hate it.

And I hate flying. So people are like, oh, live in New York for fucking this amount of time and then fly to fucking, you know, Florida or LA. And I'm like, I don't want to be counting down how long again until... And then what am I gonna do? Rent my fucking apartment in the city.

And I'm like, this is all too much for me. I'm like, just for now, you know, I got another year here, figure it out. You know, I'm not, if I had three more friends moved to Austin, I would be, I'd be down to check out Austin for a year, something like that. But yeah, again, it's like, if I'm not living in New York,

I don't care where the fuck I am. It's all the same to me. Like it's in New York and then I'm somewhere else, you know? Do you miss New York at all? Every day. I miss New York more than I miss anyone in my fucking family. Like, you know, because New York,

New York to me is all of that. Like I grew up in Manhattan. So it's like when I drive over that bridge and then all of a sudden I'm fucking, you know, driving in a cab to go home, it's like every block I look at, I'm like, oh, that's where fucking Alex got in the fight with this guy. This is where fucking Marcello lost his virginity.

And just driving down the fucking street, it's like, oh my God. And my parents grew up on like the same, on 83rd Street between 1st and 2nd where I grew up. So it's like, I'm, you know, their history, my history, this going into fucking, you know, like I got a Italian restaurant to Lizzie is on 92nd and 2nd that I fucking walk into.

And it's like, it's more, it doesn't compare to one fucking place out here. You know, people talk about like, oh, have you been to this Italian restaurant out here? It's the best out here, this. And you go and you go, yeah, it's not even an average Italian place in New York. Like it's just, it's like, yeah,

they can fry a fucking chicken cutlet and throw red sauce on it and it doesn't taste bad. Like it wouldn't taste bad if I made it either, but it's not even close. Like this place that I go to in New York that I've been going to forever, it's like somehow you tell them, like you could get penne alla vodka,

fucking chicken parm, sausage and peppers. And you're like, how is this incredible? No one's ever heard Lizzie put it in your like, cause that's New York, you know, out here, if they were making that food, there would be a line of jerk offs, fucking 300 long Instagram in it and like taking pictures with the fucking chicken cutlet

in their mouth and this, at this place, no one's ever, I've never heard one person bring this place up to me in fucking in New York, anything. And for me, it's like, I, as soon as they get home, like I got to go right here. Like I fucking love it because there's a thousand places like that in New York, you know, where just the average place,

a place that you like to go to, you're like, yo, I know the penne alla vodka here is better than what people fucking talk about in LA is like, oh my God, like this is, you know, hashtag eat yummy, yummy. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like this is fine, but it's like their whole world, you know? I do not miss LA at all.

Can you believe that? Like that was one of the saddest things to me. Like I had, I was sad when I first got here. I was sad over two things. One, that I did not miss LA, any of it. And B, I didn't miss doing stand up. Like those two things bothered me so much, I had to talk to a therapist.

Cause I did not miss LA at all. I kept stinking myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? But there was nothing about LA towards the end that I missed. I didn't miss the shitty fucking food. I didn't miss, I didn't miss any of that stuff. And you're right, here, I'm in South Jersey. I'm in an area where a lot of Staten Island people

moved into the New Jersey people complain about them, because they've been here all their life. All these people from Staten Island, these people from Staten Island have brought food to South Jersey that would make your asshole quiver. Like the fucking chicken palm. There's Italian restaurants.

I mean, there's not a bad slice of pizza around here. Like people, oh, I drove to Edison, I drove here for pizza, go fuck yourself. You could drive down the corner to the Ninos and it's fucking great pizza, you know? But that's one thing I do not miss. The little, the affair with amazing, that is LA. You know, everything is amazing, but it fucking blows.

You know, you wait online for something or you wait to go get something. The only thing I do miss is my weed store. Let's cut the shit. I miss ice cream shop. I miss my motherfucking weed store. I miss the girls in there. I do miss cryotherapy.

The whole concept of cryotherapy. Here in New Jersey, they think cryotherapy is going into a box with your head out. You know, they don't know that. The whole, you walk in, the fucking eye goggles, the ear stuff. You know, I miss those things. I miss a few of my friends.

But besides that, it's not, I don't miss LA how I thought I would miss it. I thought like I was gonna be heartbroken to store and all that. No, I came to terms with it. And I feel a lot better than I'm here. I really do feel a lot better than I'm here. You know, I could have gone to Austin,

but I think that deep down inside, I just wanted to just end, you know, like comedy. I enjoy doing the podcast. I really do, you know, but I don't want a big scale podcast ever again. You know, I like what I'm doing now. You know, I'm lucky we didn't move into a studio yet because the numbers are going up.

Who the fuck knows where we're gonna be by the end of the year or by November or September? Who the fuck knows, you know, like I said, like we said in the beginning of this, we're just living day to fucking day. I'm gonna tell you what made me go up there to get the vaccine shot. I dumped an ounce of Coke in 1986.

I had an ounce of Coke and I went, me and my girlfriend went to get it. And then my girlfriend had to go home to her parents' house. And she goes, don't break into that bag till I get back to you tonight. Well, let me know when you get into the bag, I'll stop and get booze and come over. So I'm at this fucking random hotel room in Denver.

I just pick a hotel room that I could afford and I'm in there and Austin, I go, let me do a bump. And I start bumping. She's calling me. I'm not answering the phone because I had the Mickey Mouse voice. I would get this little Mickey Mouse voice when I did Coke and she would know.

So, you know, when you eat Coke it fucking, it makes your tonsils swell or it closes your thing. So your voice, so that would always happen to me, especially when I put a Coke rock in my mouth. I'd get a freeze. This was like the worst day of my life. I started snorting like a two in the afternoon and I heard like a drill.

I kept hearing the drill. I'm like, it's the DEA drilling to put like a fucking eyeball on me through the wall and shit. So I couldn't take it no more. I started looking out the window and it would be a car would come and stop there for like three minutes and take off. This kept happening.

I'm like, that's the FBI switching cars. So I went in the bathroom and I dumped the fucking ounce of Coke. The worst thing I did was there was a pitcher of water and I put a Coke rock in there to see how long it would take to Coke rock the melt. Just in case somebody kicked down the door. And I'll never forget that.

Eventually my head won and I ended up dumping the ounce of Coke in the toilet and flushing it. I must have dumped 25 grams of Coke in the toilet. And when I flushed it, the Coke came back up in the water and it stayed on the walls of the toilet. So now I'm coming down and I'll never forget being on my hands and knees and looking at a hotel toilet. You could see the shit around the bottom of the rim

and piss and I'm over there licking pieces off the toilet and putting it on my tongue and putting it in my nose. Like a fucking disgust though that I am. So after I thought of that story, I'm like, why wouldn't I be getting my vaccine? I fucking stuck my finger in a fucking toilet. I remember one time I was doing Coke at a urinal and the Coke fell into the urinal

and before the piss could hit it, I took the Coke out of the fucking urinal and I started doing it before it would fucking melt. I had, you know, 200 people's piss on my fucking hand. And I just washed it off and went and did what I did. You know, so we do all these disgusting things and then to say that you don't wanna fucking put something in your body,

it just doesn't make sense to me, you know, especially when you've done illegal drugs and God knows what else. So. I used to have a guy who would bring me Percocets and he, so my, I grew up on like around 92nd but then I moved to back to 83rd and then I moved back to 91st Street.

So I was on my place on 91st and 1st and my buddy actually lived in a neighborhood but he would come like, he'd always be, you know, delivering shit to people. So he showed up at my place one time and he would fucking, they're like, don't get high on your own supply. He was the fucking, he was high from the time he fucking

woke up till he went to bed and just kept getting worse and worse and, you know, rest in peace, he passed away. But he, and he was younger than me too, it's fucked up. But he, one time he showed up to my, there were two times, one time he showed up to my apartment, he buzzed up. I'm like, yeah, hello, I talked to the doormans,

like, yeah, your boy's here. I'm like, all right, set him up and hang up like 15 minutes later, he's still nowhere to be found. I'm like, it takes 30 fucking seconds to get to the doorman to here. So finally, like, he shows up. I go, well, or it might've even been like two days later, he cut and I'm like, yo, what happened?

You buzzed up the other night and then you didn't come up. He's like, oh, I got into a fight with your doorman. And like, how do you, the exchange to the doorman, to you, hey, can you buzz Rob? He's in, you know, 4A. Yeah, okay, all right, yeah, he's okay, he's on the way up. Like, thanks, and that's it. How in that time, you can get into a fight,

still blows my mind. This is like fucking 15 years later. I'm like, how the fuck, how in that can you possibly get into a fight with somebody? Then, another time, he buzzes up. I don't say, he's not there for like 10 minutes. I'm like, where the fuck, I look into the hallway and he's standing, so we used to get these sandwiches,

like chopped cheese sandwiches, and they're like a cheeseburger, but on a hero. And they would be like fucking 99 cents. We'd always be like, how did they make fucking, cheeseburgers on heroes for 99 cents? And I opened the door and I looked down the hallway and he's standing in the hallway with his eyes closed, eating a fucking chopped cheese sandwich.

I'm like, yo, what are you doing? Like, get in here, you know? So he comes in, but my point was, he told me that day that he walked from the train station on 86th and Lex, to my place on 91st and 1st, with his eyes closed. I was like, how are you not fucking dead? Like, crossing through, he's like, oh, I don't know.

But again, the reason why I was reminded that you brought this up is, when I would get Percocets from him, I'd be like, oh, how many you want? I'd tell him and he would just start reaching in his pocket. He'd pull out fucking money, band-aids, this, and he'd start pulling out loose Percocet pills and just put them on the table.

And he'd be all like pulling out other pills. I don't know what this is. Can you Google this? Like, look this shit up. I don't know. And it was just every, like, you know, pieces of like the top of a fucking straw. Like, you know, when you're at a diner

and you pull the, they give you the drink with the straw with a little bit of paper still on top. Like there would be that balled up in his pocket. He'd pull that shit up, just everything he'd put on the table. And I didn't, like, back then, I didn't even think, like, oh, this is disgusting, you know, whatever. I'd be so excited that he was,

because when you deal, like, for my personal history, when I dealt with, like, Coke dealers, they said I'm gonna be there at this time. They were good, pretty close, whatever. Weed guys are not great, but Percocet, there's nothing like it. Like, I had guys who, we had this kid, I wanna say his name so bad,

because it's a funny nickname, but I can't. But he would tell you, like, oh, I'm on my way. And fucking three hours later, you call him, you're like, yo, where are you? He's gone, pulling up, I'm downstairs right now. I'm having a problem with my girl. Like, I'll be up in 10 minutes, all right. Three hours later, I call you, yo, where are you?

He's gone, walking through your lobby. Like, right now, I'm like, oh, perfect, I hang up. Fucking two hours later, I call him, like, yo, you just said you were walking through the lobby. He's like, oh, I'm in the elevator. I call him again an hour later. He's like, yo, I'm in your hallway. Like, I open up the door.

I'm like, you're not in my fucking hallway. Like, where are you? He'd hang up, and then I wouldn't hear from him for fucking 24 hours. And what he would always do, because he was my buddy, and I would see him do it to other people, is he would run out, or he wouldn't have enough, and he wouldn't want people going to fucking other people

to get it, to get fucking better prices, or one day, you know, lose his customers. So he would say, like, I'd be in the fucking car. We'd be in Atlantic City, playing fucking poker. And he would tell people, yeah, yeah, I'm on fucking 83rd. I'll be right there. Like, you know, and he'd just be there

with no intention of ever fucking going there. I'm like, yo, why do you fucking do this shit? He's like, yo, I can't lose the Custys. Like, you know, but I'm like, these people hate you. And he's again, till I fucking bring him, you know, 100 perks tomorrow, and I give it to him for a dollar less, and I gave it to him last time. They forget all about it.

I'm like, yeah, I know, because I do too. You know, like a fucking, like an idiot, but. Fucking dealers are on their own planet, aren't they? They're on, but in New York, I gotta say, in New York City, Coke dealers, for me, were always, like, there were guys you'd call at midnight. They'd be there in 30 minutes. Guys you'd call at nine AM, they'd be there in 30 minutes.

As long as they knew, like, yeah, you didn't just wanna grab a fucking gram or whatever, like you were really gonna buy something. They were, for me, they were always good. We guys, you know, suck, and they're on their own planet. And then fucking opiates, man, forget it, like you just, there would be time, three days later, he would show up, like, oh, sorry, and just, and never,

they wouldn't even put in the effort of like, you know, oh, I got arrested, or this fucking happened, you know, they would be like, oh, I got in a fight with my girl, and you're like, three days? You told me you were in the lobby. Like, what are you talking, it was so fucking frustrating, man, but especially when you're fucking needing opiates, you know, and you're like, oh, I got fucking three left,

bro, where are you? And he's like, I'm around the corner, you know? I'll tell you, I don't miss dealers at all. I miss them because you gotta get a laugh from them. I had an Armenian guy in LA that was a fucking riot. He was a fucking riot. I'll still remember him bringing me eight balls and going, do you want the down?

And I'm like, a down? What's a down? You know, down to when you get coked up, do you? You could go down. I go, yeah, what do you got? Ballium or whatever, he goes, I don't know. And he'd give me like four pills, and I'm like, what are they?

He goes, I don't know. My friend gave them to me, I give to you. I'm like, that's not good enough, you know? And he would say they fuck you up, whatever, and then you'd still go on Pill Finder on a webMD, and the pill would have no record in there. I'm like, what are you giving me? Where do you get the, oh, there's some other media.

What the fuck? I'm on webMD, which is fucking America. I had another dealer in Jersey when I first moved here, like throughout the years, when I come back and do comedy, he was up in North Bergen. And I still remember calling him, telling him I'm outside him going, come to the side of the house.

And I'm like, why? And he would lower the coke on a little fucking glass boat down the window. And I would be there waiting, and all of a sudden you'd see this little boat, this little miniature fucking boat coming down. I'd take the coke out, and I'd put the $50 in, and he'd fucking carry it back up the fucking,

I mean, you can't write that shit. You can't write that shit. But that's drug dealers. I had a guy in LA that didn't have a phone number, didn't have a phone number. And I go, how do I get a hold of you? And he'd go, just go by, what's the, where the places where all the Mexicans

hang out in front? Home Depot. Home, yeah. There's one on, there's one on Sunset. Like past Kaiser. And he would say, just come to this neighborhood and drive on Sunset, and I'll find you. You know how many nights I went there at three in the morning

and drove down, made a U-turn, and he would like come, I think he lived in a tree. Like he lived on the fucking, it was on Western. Western and Sunset, there's a McDonald's there. It's down the block from fucking Kaiser and the Scientology, if you headed towards the beach. He would be living in that fucking parking lot. Cause every time I would make a U-turn,

you'd go to the light and all of a sudden he'd pop out in the street and he wouldn't say hello or anything. He would knock on the glass, you lowered your glass. And the first thing he did was put a Coke rock in your nose. He wouldn't even say a word, just to double check that you were in a cop. He would put a Coke rock in your nose without asking you permission.

One minute you were opening the glass, the next minute he was putting a Coke rock in your nose. And then you would ask him, he would say, what do you want in Spanish? You give, you tell him $70 worth and he'd go put your hand out. So I'd have to drive with the Coke on Sunset in the palm of my fucking hand.

Like I'm delivering a pizza cause I didn't want it to put somewhere and then it'd fall. And it would start to melt because your palms are sweaty. It was a fucking nightmare, but looking back on it now, it was a fucking pisser. What you do, you deal with with fucking drugs. It really is crazy. And like you said, the,

I remember guys always coming through with like pills and they didn't know what it was. And then like, there were sometimes, I remember going to Google it and then going like, what fucking shape is this? Like I don't even know, what is this, a rhomboid? Like, you know, you're like, what is this a hexagon? Like I don't even, and they're like,

oh, and then you got fucking eight people on drugs sitting around being like, no, I think that's a fucking isosceles trying, you know? You're like, I don't know what the, what is this thing? You know, and you're trying to fucking find it and you can't find it. I remember one time I was at an after hours at somebody's house in Vegas

and I was fucking sitting, talking to this girl and I buy like the foot of the bed. And I remember looking like you could see under the bed and there was a fucking pill over there. And without skipping a beat, I just fucking while talking or I leaned over, I grabbed it, I fucking popped it in my mouth and like, I was drinking tequila.

I took it back and she was like, what was that? I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. We'll find out maybe in like 30 minutes. Yeah.

It's crazy how you don't have fear. Like I didn't have fear of drugs. I was so confident in my drug use. I had no fear of what I was eating or putting up my nose. You take it for granted. Then you fucking, you know, years later, like now I sit here at night and I'm like,

I can't even imagine having a drink. I can't even imagine doing a line of coke now. I think I would have a heart attack right off the bat. If you showed me coke, I think I would die. Yeah. That's how far removed it is from my mind. I was always somebody who wasn't scared of drugs. The only thing I was scared of was edibles.

That was the only shit that ever put me somewhere where I was like, I can't handle this. Like I fucking did acid or had a fucking, not even looking at how much it was fucking. The first time I took shrooms, I took seven grams. So every time after that, I would take seven grams or more. And I was like 16 on my birthday. It was fucking, so every time I did,

and they were fucking like blue caps too, I was on another fucking plant. My friend, this girl, threw up a match. Like she figured out that after she's like, oh, I must have drank like a can of beer or something that somebody put a fucking match in or whatever. But she was like, I'm not feeling good. When you're, if you're drunk and you're throwing up,

you're like, I wanna be alone. When you're on mushrooms, you're like, yeah, what can we do for you? You know, we'll put your fucking feet in a warm bath while you're throwing up, you know, whatever you want. And she's like over the toilet and she starts throwing up and just a fucking like burnt match showed up in the toilet. And we fucking laughed forever, man.

But like the only shit I ever had a bad, and like coke. You know, I always hear in movies like, oh, this is how much coke you could do. I'm like, really? Cause I think it's a lot more. Like I don't ever, and then people were saying like, you could get poisoning from fucking aspirin this. And I'm like, I had times where I took 30 Vicodin.

Like, and there was no, so what, I don't know. I just, you hear the shit and you're like, okay, like I guess it sounds right. But edibles and if I took one volume, I was rocked. Like volume just didn't agree with me for some reason, but like anything else. The edibles for me would put me, it was the only time I was ever on drugs

where I was like, I just want this to stop. Like please, like I just, I need it to stop. I was never in my life on coke, ecstasy. This where I was like, I want, I want it to end. Like, you know, like please, like I'll do anything. Just make it go away. You know, there were hangovers where I felt that way. You know, where I was like, please, I just can't,

I can't handle this anymore. You know, I'm fucking puking up black stuff for fucking three days. You know, I can't eat anything. I can't drink anything. That was when I was like, I can't handle this, especially like when I went to Vegas for two weeks and I stayed for like under two years.

I think it was like 18 months, whatever it was, but like I, some of the nights partying there and just being alone and waking up alone. You're in the fucking dry desert and I had like Florida ceiling windows and you'd fall asleep with the fucking curtain open and you'd wake up with the fucking 7 a.m. Vegas sun just blasting you in the face.

You wake up, you're like, I'm not home. You get so fucking dry and you're fucking throwing up and you're like, this is the war. I just hated for some reason being hung over in New York was easier for me than fucking Vegas. I don't know if it's the dry, if it's just from like the fucking strippers every night and being like, I don't know what, something about Vegas,

those hangovers would just be vicious. That's the reason why I quit cause I cannot deal with fucking hangovers. That was my, that was it. I couldn't deal with hangovers. So that's why I stopped the drinking and the coke and the whole fucking thing. What day is this?

How you feeling now? How am I feeling now? I'm feeling good now. I've been here 11 months now and I finally started feeling good about three or four weeks ago. You know, I did a bunch of tests to see what was going on, blood test and

it was basically that withdrawals from Xanax when I started tapering again and then everything came back. I'm okay. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot fucking better. I take care of myself. I've been sleeping well.

I've been eating good. You know, I've been working out like a fucking lunatic and just being a dad. And that's been great lately. It agrees a lot with me. So maybe it's time for you to get married and have some kids, Mr. Isla. I don't know.

I think I'm fucking too selfish with my time. Like I remember like, I was watching like the NBA finals or whatever. And I called one of my buddies who we used to talk about basketball all the time. I'm like, did you see that fucking game or whatever? And he started laughing. I'm like, well, he's like, I have two daughters.

One is eight, one is four, wherever. He's like, do you know the last time I watched what I wanted to watch on TV was, he's like, unless they're sleeping. And then I just want to go to bed. He's like, they, if I'm watching TV in the living room, they come out of the living room, they jump on me, I want fucking Peppa Pig, whatever the kids are watching.

And then he's like, so I'll put it on. As soon as I think I could slip away, I go in the other room and start watching TV and then they're in there and fucking 60 seconds, jumping on me, hopping on me. It's like, they know, you know, he's like, I don't, and he's like, you know, once you go through three weeks of that,

the first three weeks, he goes, I just gave up. He's like, now I just sit there and I fucking all I watch is cartoons and I do this. And I don't, you know, Jamie, she talks about it on the podcast, but she was dealing with stuff with, and again, like you talked about, it was definitely from her son was two years old in LA

and they didn't leave the house for fucking months because of COVID and there was no school and there was this, so, you know, she was dealing with him that they're like, oh, you have fucking, is it this? She had to go see doctor with the kid. Is it sensory issues? Is it, is it that?

And you know what's funny is like, none of the doctors were like, yeah, it's fucking being locked up in a house for fucking six months when you're at the craziest time of growing in your life. You're fucking two years old. Everything you see is supposed to be new. He's like, he's the only two year old

who's like sick of what he's looking at, you know? Like he's walking around the house. He's like, yeah, I know, like mom's here, fucking dad's here, the dog's here, whatever. So they went to Austin, but it made me think of like, I don't know if I want kids, if everything turns out perfect, you know? God forbid I fucking have a problem with the chick

or the kid has issues and this and now that becomes my life. And I'm like, man, I don't, I think I just, I fucking love my time, man, my free time, but I don't know, maybe I'll meet the right girl and that'll go away. I don't know. It was always a pleasure, man. It's always a pleasure to see you.

Always a pleasure to talk to you when we text and stuff at night. It's always great. Thank you for making time for me this week, buddy. That was a great fucking podcast. I love all that shit. I loved your talk. Any time, man, I'm fine.

Like, you know, with you and Christina P is the same way, like when you guys asked me about the podcast and you're like, oh, thank you on this, I'm like, thank you. I fucking love doing it. And I don't know if it's like, because I watched so much of your podcast before we met or because of like the East Coast vibe or what it is, but it's like,

we only hung out a couple of times in person and I feel like I've known you forever. Forever, yeah, it's one of those things where you're just like, oh, okay. And that's, you know, there's so many people who like, you know, they're like, you meet Joey Diaz, there's nobody like him. Like, and for me growing up in New York,

I'm like, I see Joey Diaz and I'm like, oh, like, you know, like this, it makes me feel at home. You know, I'm not like, it's just, yeah, it's nice, man. It's a very, you know, there's a lot of people and I'm probably one of them where like, I'm out in LA, I'm from New York, somebody could not know that, you know, they could see me and be like, oh, this guy's fucking

from LA or whatever, he's drinking a fucking green juice and doing fucking yoga or whatever. But it's like, you never lost it for one second, you know? As soon as there's no, like, you know, I guess where I'm from, you know? I love it. I made sure that I didn't lose it, you know? I made sure.

I talked to my friends, I kept that New York state of mind and I fucking, you know, I'm like you, I'm a New Yorker, man. You can't take that away from anybody. I moved to Jersey in 73, but for those first seven years, I lived in fucking Manhattan on 88th Street. So we got the fucking juice and I used to run in Harlem. So, you know how we do it, man, but it's always a pleasure. Keep me posted and stay in touch.

You know, I love you at all my heart. Yeah, man, I love you too. It was great to see you. Thanks for having me on. Absa fucking Lutli and we'll talk next week. All right, buddy. Thank you for always keeping in touch with me. Love you, my man.

Love you, man. Stay black. All right, I hope you enjoyed the episode with Robert. Robert, we talked about a lot of weird shit, fucking licking fucking cocaine from a toilet. It's the truth. Why would I lie to you, motherfuckers? There was a couple of pubic hairs in there.

There was shit around the brim. There was piss, but I did it. So this is why today I'm a fucking savage. You know, besides women in the Hudson and shit like that, how can I not take the fucking vaccine after fucking thinking about that? You figure it out. I'm sure a lot of you fucking guys

did some crazy fucking things. I don't know if you ever lick coke from a toilet bowl, but hey, whatever, it's fucking experience. And that's what we're talking about today. Whether it's the comedy experience or the life experience, we got them all fucking covered to you. Thank you very much for watching this week's joint. Thank you for the support

and thank you for supporting Laughing Gas. It should be back at the ice cream cake this week. If not, check out next week. It should be back there. I haven't spoken to them in a few days, but I'll check in with them today after we do wrap this motherfucker up. I love you guys.

I'll see you next Monday morning. Tip top, Magoo, ready to go. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank my man, Robert Eila. I want to thank Mike. I want to thank you motherfuckers, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for the support

and love that you give us every week. You know what, man? We're slipping, but you're still there and that's why I love you, cock-suckers. So before you leave, do me a favor. I want to talk to you about the sponsors this week. The first one, CBD Lion, tremendous. When it comes to CBD, you're left there scratching your head.

It's all over the place. Nobody knows what to get. Let your uncle Joey fucking guide you like I do for the fucking reefer. CBD Lion is the best CBD available to you. They have it in every different form, for kinesiology tape, to Roland, to gummy bears, to the vapor pen, to the bat balls.

I mean, if CBD Lion don't have it, it's not around. It's that simple. Go to CBDlion.com right now. Read the third-party lab results. They'll let you know what your ailment is and what you need to help you with that ailment, whether it's anxiety, pain, knee pain, whatever it is. CBD Lion, walk me through the surgery.

They could do the same for you, but it all starts by you going to CBD Lion, reading the third-party lab results. And when you order, do not forget the press in Joey or Code Church to receive 20% off, delivered right to your house. CBD Lion, the best CBD on the market. The joint is also brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum.

Listen, it's hard to fucking quit smoking. That's why Lucy is here. When you're craving a cigarette, you need a little something to satisfy the habit. Listen, Ricky Ricardo had, I love Lucy, and we have Lucy too. You don't need to smoke anymore with Lucy. Get Lucy today so you're prepared

when the temptation strikes. What you do is you sign up for the subscription service so you have it when you need it. Make sure you have it on hand when the craving hits. Lucy Gum comes in three flavors. You ready for this? Wintergreen, cinnamon, and my personal favorite, pomegranate, motherfucking, granite, that is tremendous.

You don't like gum? Tremendous. Try to cherry ice-flavored lozenge. It'll make you jump up and down and it fucking kills that craving. So right now, go to lucy.co and use promo code Joey. It's lucy.c.o. That's exactly what it is.

Use promo code Joey to get 20% off all their products including the gum and the lozenges. That's lucy.c.o. Use promo code Joey at checkout. And here's the legal mumbo jumbo I gotta read to you. This product contains nicotine derived from tobacco. Nicotine is an addictive chemical, but you already knew that.

Go to lucy.co and use promo code Joey and quit smoking today. The joint is also brought to you by stamps.com. The summer has been tremendous so far. We're enjoying life's fucking pleasures, block parties, barbecues, little league games, bikinis, but going back to the postal office is not one of them. With stamps.com, you can skip the post office and save money on postage.

You could send letters and packages anytime, anywhere, right from your computer. You could buy, print or ship, it's that simple. With stamps.com, you pay a whole lot less. You get discounts up to 40% from the post office rates and up to 66% from UPS. Who could do that for you? Nobody, stamps.com saves businesses thousands of hours

and loads of cash. We've been on stamps.com close to 10 years now. My wife and I, my wife loves it. It's simple. You measure your own stuff, you put it out by the post office, you put it out by the mailbox and they do the rest. You got a small business?

I don't care how small it is, stamps.com is a must have. You could print postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. It's no wonder over a million small businesses have already used stamps.com. Ship anyone in the world straight from your laptop. You schedule a pickup and the mailman comes to you. Who's better than you?

Nobody. If you're not with stamps.com, you're slipping. So stop wasting time going to the post office. Go to stamps.com instead. It's no risk. Use promo code Joey to get your special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale.

With stamps.com, there's no long-term commitments or contracts. Go to stamps.com today. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's stamps.com. Use promo code Joey, stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. I want to thank Lucy.co.

I want to thank stamps.com and I want to thank CBD Lion. I also want to thank DraftKings for having our back on Monday. Like I said, college football's around the corner. $1 when you $200 in credits. If you bet $1 on any college game, DraftKings is gonna give you $200

to book back the rest of the season. Use promo code Joey. I love all you motherfuckers. Again, I want to thank Lucy.co. I want to thank CBD Lion, DraftKings. I want to thank stamps.com. I want to thank all of yous for supporting the joint. I'll see you Monday, nice and early.

Tip top, magoo. Stay black. I love you. Have a great weekend. It's over, but the shouting. You got this, cocksuckers.