Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #089 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Welcome to The JOINT..... It’s Monday, August 16th..... This episode is brought to you by Draftkings, Better Help & Manscaped..... Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook Go to https://www.Manscaped.com/JOEY - PROMO CODE: JOEY 20% Off & FREE SHIPPING! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....

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Now without further ado, let's get this party started The joint is coming your way cock suckers Joey's joint You What's happening you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the 16th of August We're officially halfway there and then some that's it. You're like fucking some schools have started Like in the Midwest in the South My daughter goes back to school. I think September fucking 13th to some shit, but that's it

This is the last week of camp and it's gonna be a hot hot fucking summer after this. It was a great week last week I want to talk to you guys about a few fucking things on a beautiful Monday morning. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good I'm smelling good. Let me tell you something. I always fucking smell good Okay, I might have a little wang to me sometimes after I lay somewhere I go to a gym But I was reading this week somewhere about celebrities that don't bade their fucking kids or What the fuck is wrong with people? I want to know what the fuck is wrong with people bathing Cleanliness is next to godliness

All right, that's what I fucking heard when I was a young fucking kid that cleanliness is next to godliness How the fuck are you not gonna take showers? But let me tell you something and I was talking about this on the patreon podcast That's a big thing in Hollywood for you people who don't know and they're sitting around That's a way to get attention That's the reason Matthew McConaughey does it. There's a bunch of actors that they'll come into a set and you'll smell them Eight minutes before they fucking get there. I dog. I've been on two sets. I'm not gonna discuss it You could smell the fucking onion in the air

they get there and They think it's cool Because they stick out. It's another way of sticking out is stinking So, you know, it's like a fucking hip thing for them. Trust me. I learned about it in Boulder You don't know how many fucking girls I did coke with and after 20 minutes You smell this weird odor in the fucking air and you're like what the fuck is that smell and then you get close to them And you smell their bodies and they'll tell you that they don't use deodorant Because they don't want to fuck up the fucking whatever system the ozone layer listen

I don't give a fuck about the ozone layer as long if you're stinking. That's all that matters to me I'm not worried about the fucking ozone layer and neither should you It's 2,000 million fucking miles away. I'm not a fucking scientist But I don't think you the only way you could ruin the ozone is with that stink from under your armpits That stink will ruin the fucking ozone that that will fuck it up Completely that I don't understand any of that shit. I don't like it, you know But that's a big out in Hollywood a lot of you see you read it that these people don't bathe their kids unless they're fucking physically dirty Are you fucking kidding me? Have you ever smelled your kid after school?

They stink My daughter stinks after fucking school. My daughter's eight and she had to start using deodorant when she was fucking six She had a little whang to it. I'm like dog. You got to start wearing fucking deodorant So she puts the other one on twice She takes two showers a day one before school and one at the end of fucking the night at 8 30 To get that chlorine and kids Brett and fucking the stink off. How the fuck don't you bathe your kids guys? You know listen I'm going on a fucking year next week of being here and I got to be honest with you

You know, you never know when you do things you never know what to expect when you move you never know What to expect when you go to a new restaurant, you never fucking know, you know, you go you try the experience out you have something in your head You have a preconceived notion in your head of what you're gonna do. I mean, I did when I came here, you know when I had Left Hollywood last year. I left To move here so my daughter could go to school. My expectations were gonna be the same I was gonna come here give a little breather wait for the clubs to open You know and then go back to my fucking life once I got here. I realized That I didn't like that life anymore. I mean, I just did not like it at all anymore

You know, Mike and I were just talking about Miss Pat Okay, I want to congratulate Miss Pat on her new show on BET I'm very proud of her. Anybody knows Miss Pat anything about her She's worked really hard to get this show on here that book that she put out was great And the TV show I have not watched it yet But Mike says it's fucking great and I heard it from my neighbor. She asked me if I knew Miss Pat I go, yeah, she goes. Oh my god. I watched the show was great. I am very proud of Miss Pat But I'm gonna tell you what I'm not proud of

okay Miss Pat Should have been and I'm not saying nothing bad about BET. I love BET. I watched hustling float the other night BET put on some good fucking movies during the week. I got nothing against BET BET's a good network, you know, they're great to African-Americans. They give them a fucking whatever I know Miss Pat for a long time Miss Pat's a hell of a comic a hell of a person with a hell of a fucking story Miss Pat belongs on ABC or

NBC and I know she can't curse she can't do this. Miss Pat is such a star She'll figure it the fuck out But this is what bothered me about the new Hollywood They didn't respect acting for comics They did not respect it. They didn't give it the light it deserved The agents have found an easier way to make money. They found Low-hanging tree, which is called the road and what are you watching now? What are you seeing now? You've seen all these young comics

Getting COVID eventually one, you know every week a new comic has COVID, you know every week Look at Jimmy Florentine. He was supposed to see four fucking shows It started with limp biscuit last week on Friday at the Stone Pony outside at the outdoor stage How safe is that fucking safe as fuck? Limp biscuit canceled last Friday with a half hour Half hour before the fucking show they canceled Jim Florentine his brothers. They all drove down there They were standing there and limp biscuit fucking canceled Leonard's get it

Canceled next week. I don't know if they canceled in Jersey, but they had a cancel for fucking shows He that he's still up in the air by Leonard's get it. I guess Saturday night last week He was supposed to go watch somebody Down there again. They got sick. They fucking canceled, but they canceled in the afternoon. That's not bad Driving down Atlantic City, then you get pissed off and then he was supposed to go see somebody last night And he called me last night about 5 30 when I was taking Mercy the kickboxing to tell me or the Friday night to tell me That fucking the show he was going to Friday night got canceled because the guitar player

That's for fucking guitar players caught it now my friends went to see guns and roses and they noticed something I know for a fact that guns and roses doing a bubble. Nobody's allowed backstage No talking no hanging out. They each go their own way after the show they get in their car And that's the car they drive with that's the driver they drive with he's not allowed to see nobody They're not allowed to do nothing. I mean listen it works But that ain't the road It works, but that ain't the road when you go on the road. It's to talk to people It's to embrace people people want to take pictures with you people want to see you people

You know, if you got to walk around with a fucking covert bubble on you, that's not the road For that you might as well stay at home. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing I have nothing against comics going out right now, but it's not a good fucking time So right now like I see miss Pat doing this show which she taped, you know Before you know, I guess maybe six months out. I don't know how what the taping schedule is Maybe it was four months out. Who the fuck knows, you know when you act when you go to do a movie now Like I have to do this thing right in two weeks I got to be there one day earlier just to take a covert test and wait in my room

Then you're not really allowed to mingle too much Monday I do another once I get my test back I go to wardrobe like I did for the Apple TV show I did and That's all you do for the day Tuesday morning you get up again and you fucking take a rapid covert test And they let you on the set and I'm shooting two episodes. So I guarantee you they're gonna test me before the second episode I'm not angry. I'm not mad. I mean, it's it's part of the fucking game When you walk into a comedy club or a musician walks into a theater or an arena They're not testing you. They're not really, you know, they don't really know who's coming up to you or whatever

In other words, it's not a good time to fucking travel If you're in a band right now right now, how many fuck oh iron maiden Bruce Dickinson's got it. You know, it's just it's guys. It's just eventually like I said last week It's gonna get you all you could do is be prepared But at the same time what pisses me off about Hollywood is this is the time to get all these hitter comics Bill Burr You know, even though Bill's got an animated show on TV, what about Burt and fucking Tom

How about a buddy show on Fox give them what they want who gives a fuck you give Worthless people more money than you'd give those two fucking comics you give people how many fucking shows has Dak Shepard fucking killed how many fucking shows has Dak Shepard been on that I've been cancelled and they keep giving them fucking shows They keep giving this fucking guy shows. I got nothing against Dak Shepard, but he's never said a funny fucking thing in his life Okay, I'm a fucking stand-up comic. I know what is to go up there when fucking there's 200 people in the fucking audience He is not a funny guy. How many fucking shows are they gonna give him? But you got miss Pat on fucking BET in the dungeon on channel 138 miss Pat belongs on 247 or 11 which is Fox depending on your area check your local fucking listings

I have no idea where the fuck they're at So you're gonna put this fucking stiff on again To kill another fucking show and miss Pat sitting up there in BET Bill a fucking wave from everything She belongs on NBC CBS a bit a BC that's the network She belongs in Fox the same thing with Bert the same thing with Tom the same thing give Whitney Cummings and fucking Christine whatever what the fuck is Theo doing? You know what the fuck are these people doing? So that makes you think as a fucking consumer. I sit here every fucking night watching this shit fucking TV How many fucking times can CBS put blue bloods on how many fucking times?

How many fucking law and order fucking shows, you know, and they're all fucking reruns. Let's get one of these fucking hitters Miss Pat right now is covertville. You don't want to have your comments out What did I tell you guys if I'm a manager? I call my client and go right now It's not the fucking time for you to be sailing around with a fucking umbrella Right now what you should be doing is going to your local comedy club Developing your fucking act so it could be the best act it could be when this motherfucker blows up You're not up on stage talking about hacky shit and fucking covert like I'm doing now. You're talking about life That's what I would be doing if I was doing stand-up comedy right now

I'd be at fucking Uncle Vinny's every night doing a guest spot doing a set the fucking getting down Preparing for a year from now so I can go right back into a fucking special and boom The special comes out and now you're prepared by the time all this shit. Listen, this is gonna be a five-year fucking window We have a five-year window until all this disappears five Fucking years. I saw this the other night on 60 minutes or whatever the fuck one of those fucking TV shows that you sit there at night Like I'm sitting there at night waiting for fucking Alonzo Bowden. I'm sitting there waiting for Tom Rhodes I'm sitting there waiting for somebody who's fucking bunny on Television and you keep giving me these fucking comedic actors that don't know dick about dick

This is what my point is so whose fault is this is it? Holly was fault. Is it the fucking agent's fault? It's all their fucking fault Then you wonder why I ran out of there like my ass was on fire ran out of there. They didn't respect the game no more They weren't they don't respect the game no more. They don't respect the ability of comics anymore You know Louis C K did a great fucking job for comics going up there right and he would edit his own show He would cut it. He would cast it just to show you what a comic could fucking do the strength of a fucking comic is so strong There is nothing we can't fucking do right act fucking You know punch it up so it could be really fucking funny

You give us time and we'll do it just like Roseanne did it just like Tim Allen did it just like you know But they don't want to do that no more these agents don't want to do that no more and the clients don't want to do it every time The agent has let's take it to Netflix Fuck Netflix Fuck Netflix. We need this on ABC. We need a fucking network behind this We need this on NBC we need that 30 fucking years of knowledge behind this Why is fucking Russell Peters and fucking Liberty City, Ohio? What he can't put on a fuck, you know, this is what I'm saying guys

They don't give a fuck These agents have gone rogue. They don't give send them out. Let them get cold You know and listen if you throw enough spaghetti on the wall Eventually one's gonna stick Trust what I'm telling you wait till the first comic goes out of fucking control and ends up in the fucking ICU Let's see what these fucking agents are gonna do that. What the fuck are they gonna do that? I'm telling you this whole thing is crumbling. I You know Mike and me my BET

Why Was that that why? Because that's the last so these agents never even called from this patent said looker This is a fucking this is a head here This is a fucking head here, and I hope that she does like two seasons on BET and I hope that maybe they moved the show, you know for a lot of people don't know Bill Ma started on Comedy Central fucking 30 years ago Politically incorrect was on Comedy Central when I got into comedy

Politically incorrect was on Comedy Central Then after a few years He sold it to ABC and ABC it grew with ABC That's the evolution of a real fucking comic, but think about it. Shouldn't there be more fucking comics on TV? Bert had a great show with that fucking what I did when we ate the he-moo and all that shit It was you know kind of reality. It was a great show. Have you seen it again? Netflix is fucking like, you know That what about Duncan Trostle's fucking show midnight, whatever what happened to that? They still haven't given him a fucking answer. That's what happened Gabriel show they canceled on Netflix

They weren't getting enough people go fuck yourself Netflix doesn't tell you the fucking numbers. They refuse to tell you they'll tell you did good But they won't give you the exact fucking number. I need a number. I need a fucking number But all those sitcoms on Netflix they don't fucking work. I don't know what happened to Narcos You know Cobra Kai comes back in fucking December. Where'd you go to Japan this you Cobra fucking Kai? Where'd you fucking go fucking year and a half to fucking do this shit? So Yeah, they started on YouTube fucking red

So you have to and they got two great comics on there They have bread Ernst and they have the other guy that I did The meatball king with that was a show on Disney. There was a show on Disney a kids show I did the meatball king. I played the criminal the meatball king and they had a falafel guy on there He's a nice little Arab guy. He's on Cobra Kai. He's better He works with brethren said the dealership, but that's why I've listened. They don't have the respect for comics They used to have they just don't oh Yeah, yeah, we'll get you a TV show. We'll do this. We'll do that next thing

You know you're in fucking Grand Rapids, Michigan Sitting in a room staring at a picture of Robin Williams thinking to myself and my next and my next shit I fucking hang myself. I mean, I'm in Grand Rapids next this week Next way I gotta go to Iowa City the week after that I go to fucking Boise my career is on a fucking roll Fuck you. Let's put something together. Let's get us. That's what I would tell my clients right now Listen, there's no fucking road. It's just too unsafe. I don't want you getting in there with a fucking bottle I don't there's a dog. I hear thousands of stories The planes ain't running right, you know luggage ain't getting there. Why would you want to do this shit?

It's like you fucking momos that are going on vacation. I hope you fucking crash your fucking plane into a mountain you stupid motherfuckers How stupid can you fucking be going on vacation paying extra fucking money for what for a hotel room that you're gonna You know what the fuck is wrong with people? Mind your fucking business go to a cookout outside You know, I'm the king of cookouts outside. I don't even want to go inside when I pee I go to my car and pee in my little surgery bottle. I don't want to go to your fucking bathroom If I got a shit, I come all the way home. I don't give a fuck Give a fuck, but you fucking morons going on vacation ten days

What do you think happens if you get fucking COVID when you're on vacation? You got to sit in that fucking room and pay an extra fucking eight day We took a hotel's gonna pick it up because you're I got COVID who gives a fuck It's 300 a night motherfucker used to be 129 a night and now it's 300 a night and you're gonna pay those five nights Until you fucking get cured or whatever the fuck happens until you got a stick How many how many fucking things are gonna stick in your nose? I didn't take another fucking test Tuesday this week, so I'm I'm over it

But I have an answer and these networks listen tell these fucking guys Tom but all their tours aren't gonna start till September all these big tours Some of them are starting next week. Some of them start this week the 15th to 16th You know they're putting mandates you want me to go on stage and crack joke for a bunch of people with mask on How shitty is the show gonna be if you got to wear a fucking mask and go to that show and sit there? I can't fucking relax I'm gonna go to see a fucking guns and roses with a mask on You better you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. That's not gonna fucking happen

I think the mass mandate start September 13th in New York So that means you got to go inside and sit with a fuck you can't even go to a gym without a fucking COVID pack I mean a fucking gym. I need I got a show proof of fucking whatever to go to a fucking gym now. I Don't know where this is going. I have no fucking idea. You know Me I'm playing it by ear. I'm gonna play it close to my chest. You know, I'm gonna I Gotta drive in a few weeks to fucking shoot this TV show. I'm not Listen, I'm not too happy about it

But I have to do it I have to work and that's the the easiest thing I could do to not get sick and not get my family sick It's all on the up and up that testing, you know much a fucking COVID ads to a TV show $400,000 Think about that Every show that gets made now on TV add an extra $400,000 now Listen, you know, when you shoot a TV show when I shoot a TV show when I first got to LA

There was money to be made. You can make great money shooting a TV show, especially after like season 3 Season 4 you get fucking paid Let's not bullshit each other The money that they're gonna spend and COVID Is gonna come out of somebody's pocket. It's not gonna come out of these dirty produces fucking pockets. Those motherfuckers Don't let you die before they give you money out of that fucking pocket. Trust me I have to next week. I have to sit at my computer for a fucking hour one day next week and Go through my sag residuals and see who the fuck ain't sending me residuals and file complaints against them

You know many times I gotta do that a year twice a year And when you realize what they're stealing from you, it's like really why would you steal this? But you have to think about if they steal it from everybody on the set That's where the money is that couple like a year ago a Guy contacted me and he's like, hey man my show our show the one you did with me got put on Netflix You know if you could blow it up for me, and I was like listen, I ain't doing shit for you He's like, what are you talking about pal? I'm your biggest fan. I go you never pay me residuals all those years

I shot those shows in like 2000 fucking four and five Those shows ran for fucking years Then they rebooted it and put them back on fucking MTV and then they rebooted it and put them back on Netflix You know how much money I've gotten from them I Zelch, okay Zelch not a fucking dime. I've gotten from them this fucking guy calls me up He's like you got a fucking retweet it for me. Please do me the favor. I said I ain't doing shit. You got to pay me something

Give me five grand. Give me two grand You know I did six fucking episodes seven episodes of your show and you're not gonna give me a fucking residual But that's what they're about guys. I don't ever want you to think that all you go to Hollywood You're on the up-and-up. Are you fucking crazy? I Was telling somebody a while ago when I was working on TV and films a lot more and stand-up was like maybe 40% of my income this is back 2007 2006 2005 stand-up was a very small percentage of my income. It was basically movies and TV shows

Do you know how many fucking people had a threat on the phone? Do you know many times I had a call and say what the where the fuck is my check? TV and film is 10 days after you shoot a TV show or a movie The production sends your agent a show after 10 days. Guess what your agent does? He keeps the check for 30 to 60 days Before he mails it to you I don't play that shit when you go on a set for all you young comics and young actors when you go on a set When they give you paperwork the last sheet look at it and read the fine print

It'll tell you Do this sign this here if you don't want your check to get the agent your agent to get your check I Would always fucking sign it and they wouldn't get shit. They would call me a week later and go Hey, man, we just realized you didn't sign the paperwork. We're not getting your check. Why do you need my check? The job was $600 you get 10% right? I'll drop off 60 fucking dollars in the mail. Well, that's not right Why would you want my check? You want my check because you want to bank it and Then get interest on my money even if it's for the three weeks even if it is $600 You know what the $600 may not be nothing to him

But it's a big fucking deal to me when I got to buy cat food and I got to make my car payment I got to buy groceries. Do you understand why I'm going with this? So on commercials It's fucking 30 days So if you shoot a commercial July the 4th You won't get a check until mid-August And that's if you're on top of that fucking check Like if you call your agent go hey, I talked to the production company last Monday the check is going on Wednesday You should get it on Friday. I'll pick it up Monday

The fucking heads will blow up. They're like what what are you talking? That's what I would do I would always beat them to the punch. So as soon as I shot something as soon as I'd sign the paperwork and Before I leave when they'd sign me out. I'd ask the production company When do we get paid and they'll tell you well, it's going through this corporation It's going through they have like different payment companies. I forget what they're called now. They slipped my mind There's like three big ones. I forget what the fuck they were all your paperwork's always already there your W2 is already there They just use one of the three for fucking people. So I became dog, you know me When it comes to money, you know how they tell you a covert follow the science

Well, fuck you follow the money Jack, you know right now I don't know if you you guys saw what the makers of those vaccines made in the fucking hundreds of billions of dollars So while you're following the science into the pocket of a fucking Moderna's Pocket and Johnson and Johnson all these people you got to follow your money When you do fucking anything listen anything in life, you got to follow your fucking money Last night I was talking to my brother two nights ago, you know the frame of George I love him with all my heart some guy was supposed to give him a check when he called the guy His friend had the fucking check and he hangs out at this bar

Then it looks like you go into the fucking bar to get your money I don't give a fuck to be there. Well, he doesn't have the check his friend has my check Well, let's go get the one friend to take you to the other friend and he'll fucking get your money Remember good fellas when they take the guy to the Lions they pick them up and take me to your friend Take me to your fucking friend. That's it. I'm not fucking playing games. Why do you think I thought listen? The guy that represents me now in New York the agent great guy, I love Dave with all my heart Gay guy loved to death We were friends were always friends. We talked once a week. He called me this week the same

I got no luck with you You're not I had an audition in LA this week, but I couldn't get one in New York and I'm not gonna they kept calling me When are you putting the tape together? What are you putting it up? Listen, and then my agent had the balls to call me go There's another movie and they're working in the Dominican Republic. That's what I want to do is go to a third-world fucking nation right now You know, you look at Cuba, you know, what's going on in Cuba right now Cuba had it together Last year when we talked about Cuba on COVID they had it together. They had like 37 fucking cases But what happened in Cuba was they got greedy they they shut down tourism for a while and

After COVID last year, they had to open it back up and what do you think went down there? Those fucking Canadians and those Germans and the Italians anybody who visits Cuba brought COVID now now COVID's completely out of fucking control in Cuba. They're using hotels as makeshift hospitals outside of Anna That's what's happening Dominican Republic. I have nothing against the Dominican Republic. I love that place I love Dominican's great fucking people Nothing, but I just don't want to go to Dominican Republic to shoot a fucking movie right now. That's just not gonna fucking happen None of that shit's gonna happen. I'm avoiding a fucking plane with all my heart. Let me put it this way My wife was supposed to go to Tennessee with Mercy

They kiboshed it because not only are you getting hit with COVID now in the Midwest and in the South There's also that other thing going. That's RPV. It's like a kid's fucking Pulmonary fucking thing RPV APV. I don't know what the fuck it is So what's going on with this is kids were inside all winter kids were inside They didn't get a chance to build their immune systems this APV shit, whatever the fuck it is anybody correct me an RPV Whatever this little disease is. It's a lung disease just like fucking COVID. It's a smaller fucking Disease that kids get in the winter. It's they shouldn't get in the summer, but it's spreading fucking rampant so what I think is going on is

People are going to the hospital to test for they're not testing for RPV That test them for COVID. They're coming up fucking positive all these kids all of a sudden now They're saying kids are in hotels and hospitals and Florida and fucking Texas and shit. It's not COVID HPV whatever the fuck it is. Yeah So you got to worry about that now with your kid. So Plains and shit is out for a while. It's over. I don't need to be on a fucking plane. There's nobody I want to see There's no way I want to do whatever I need to eat. I could eat here and I'm good to go and that you know, this is What kills me right now with comedy and music, you know, right now

I don't know what the Eagles are going to do next week with the garden I think the Eagles supposed to start a fucking tour all these people, you know, unless you do this in a bubble like guns and it's got to be like a short little Like if I was to tour right now, I wouldn't do October November. I would probably do maybe January February and Just compact it do eight weeks and that's the tour go to eight places You want to go to for the year and that's your fucking tour?

If you get COVID you get COVID if you don't get COVID well, then you fucking You know, you could go home and suck your own dick. I don't fucking know what to tell you but my point of this whole thing was that This is the time to develop a fucking show Like right now, I'd love to be talking to HBO develop a show about my mother I'd love to be talking to Showtime anybody For me because I'm a fucking mutt, but Tom Burt I

Can name ten Ali Wong I Can name ten comics right now that would destroy on network TV One episode a week just like Roseanne Just like Tim Allen and I'm not fucking speaking out of line here Nobody is falling into that fucking pipeline anymore There is nobody in that pipeline. Yeah, Sebastian's got a cooking show miss Pat's on BET I'm talking about the four main fucking stations Why the fuck isn't one of us on there not me forget about me. I'm 58 years old

I'm dirty. I'm a fucking bum. I get it, but I'm talking about You know, I'm really happy for Sam J Her show on HBO was fucking tremendous. I'm happy for her You know HBO is a great place for comics. They've always been very comic friendly, you know, I love HBO But it's time for network television to figure it to fuck out We've got too many people at home and too many fucking comics that are tremendous, you know And I still remember where Roseanne said Roseanne

Roseanne was basically the first person to ever make me feel Special for being a comic Roseanne was on Larry King live. I Know she's got a couple interviews on there that are fucking whack But for every interview that she's got on there that's whack I mean, she's got an interview on there that she talks about Oprah going into a brain and Stealing her ideas and shit with like whatever Roseanne is Roseanne. That's the reason I love her Roseanne said something on there. That was tremendous Larry King asked Roseanne

Why she didn't let the ABC brass Into her Christmas party Roseanne was no fucking joke Roseanne, I Admire Roseanne bar a lot not for what she did Four years ago when she wanted a tirade and stuff to listen Roseanne's always been crazy, but I look up to her as a comic a big-time comic I'll tell you why because Roseanne bar said something He asked her why didn't you allow the ABC brass into your fucking

Christmas party and then she said That she was sick and tired of that bullshit that at the end of the day They didn't know dick that they wanted her their plan when they got Roseanne on the air Was to knock Cosby off the air even Cosby While he was raping bitches. He was a comic and They were fucking nurturing him on Thursday nights over there and he was doing whatever the fuck he was doing I forgot all about Cosby. There's another guy a comic, you know, so nobody's in that pipeline guys They're not putting anybody to develop a fucking show and then they don't pick it up

You know even with me they came to me one day. We love the pilot. We love the pilot. Oh, we're gonna go with something else It was me Chris Spencer a bunch of us got got deals at Fox Nobody got it somebody else two other shows got picked up that never went anywhere They don't know what the fuck they're doing And Roseanne said it she goes listen when you're a comic You learn how to do everything You learn how to greet You direct you right

You coordinate you do it all Even me towards the end here when I quit I was still doing everything on my own I was still getting my plane ticket. I don't let nobody get my plane tickets I get my own plane tickets. You've never seen listen. I think I took Three jokes from people over the years that came to me and said hey Here's a joke for you. I wrote everything else. That's why the shit sucked Because I wrote it. That's why it sucked, you know, I was never known for my fucking high level of material But I wrote it myself. I took one joke from somebody somebody actually said use this tag

And it was a stolen fucking tag I ended up getting into 18 fights out of spitting the guy's face that you know, it's not what I do So I said that's it. I'll never take nobody else's material, but we write we plan You have to look at your notebook and decide well Already got three fucks there. I can't say another fuck here I got to put the fuck there and when you think about it, that's how fucking tedious it really is You have to go into your script that hard and go okay. I already said that bit there

I'm already talking about pussy here. I'm already talking about light and this guy on fire here I can't keep mentioning it. You know, there's all these things that go into when you watch Bill Burr's fucking You know paper tiger. That's as brilliant as it fucking gets Why Bill Burr? I mean, I'll tell you why Bill Burr is on TV because he told him to go fuck themselves a long time ago, too You know, he did the animation thing because it just basically works for him, but any real fucking comic Doesn't want to be on TV and I'll tell you why because of the fucking rules The rules are brutal, you know, and that work will send you shit Constantly, you know, you don't see Chappelle doing TV no more after that beat anything a comedy central

You know, you just don't see it Yeah, they they Turn you want, you know I'm saying like they fucking turn you to fuck on and Then that you know, you get burnt out on them if they just leave you to fuck alone They didn't bother Tina Tina Fey all those years and they didn't bother fucking Tracy Morgan on there all those years And I don't know if you have an idea what comes out of Tracy's mouth Tracy is fucked in the out of his mind

But they did it the right way or at NBC nobody fucking bothered them if you Established that from the beginning as a comic if you go in there and on your third episode you tell it to people like listen I don't give a fuck. This is what I'm doing Don't follow suit with you. I don't know if a lot of you people know this I don't know if I'm allowed to tell this story. I read it I don't know if I'm allowed to tell say it but I'm gonna say it anyway They told David Chase an episode seven of the Sopranos that they didn't want to see Tony killing somebody

They explained to David Chase Over and over again that HBO didn't like the idea of a crime boss Killing somebody that in real life Minions would do that for you know like lower guys on the totem pole would do that David Chase disagreed and put the episode out as is of Tony choking the fucking right The HBO almost canceled the series HBO almost canceled the fucking show over Tony choking the fucking guy

But when you're an artist you do what you think is right You're not an artist you're a network You went to college and then came out and became this with a college degree It's not that you did a show for fucking 30 years You don't know what the fuck you're doing and that's what happened with Chappelle think about if you've been doing comedy for 20 years and some fucking Stupid white kid comes up to you. That's 24 and it's telling you how to write your show You're not gonna go for it either eventually you're gonna tell them to go fuck yourself and that's to standoff

That's network and that she was a comic and a human being when you became a comic You already were given the finger the society So why are you playing this fucking game with these people? Because they're fucking paying you the weekend club is gonna pay you too You say whatever the fuck you want you do whatever you want and if you want to get your dick sucked in the green room You can you know, you do what the fuck you want I'm not saying get your dick sucked in the green room You know get it get your dick sucked in the car the green rooms usually have cameras now

They're a bunch of fucking perverts, but what I'm trying to say to you is that if you stick up for yourself and Tell them exactly how the fuck you feel and then at the end tag it listen if this doesn't work for you Then we'll wrap it up. No, no, no, they've got money tied up in you They've got money invested in you, you know for years. I would call clubs like my agent will call me and go you're going to Buffalo this week Who are you bringing as a feature and I would tell them Dean Del Rey? Kate Quigley George Perez, you know what the clubs would say to me. Oh We already have a feature act

Do you mind coming by yourself and I would go no here's what you're gonna do. We'll cancel the week and Call me when you don't have a feature That's your deal So either I come in this week with who I want to or I'll come in in six months with my feature Well, it's too late. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'm not in business here to book the road for you I'm bringing somebody with me. That's what headliners do and that's what I'm doing whether you fucking like it or not and They would go okay

When I would negotiate for money, I would say this is what I want and they would say well, they can't give you that well Call me when you can give it to Until then we'll just part friends. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Let's see what we could do. Yeah Let's see what we could fucking do. That's the mentality. You gotta tell them to fuck off like I'm not doing it I'm not doing it. Get somebody else to fucking do it. Oh, you have 300 tickets sold. Oh, well, then you're gonna have to do it I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. It's not important what you're thinking It's what I'm thinking. That's fucking important. Not what you're thinking. I don't give a fuck what you're thinking You bought a comedy club. You didn't have the patience to do what we do

You didn't want to fucking put the work and now you want to come in here and tell us how to run our show Take a fucking hike my friend. Take a fucking hike Go talk to somebody who doesn't know better Speaking of knowing better. I want to talk to you guys about something I know you guys have been watching me for the last whatever I know I've had some problems on the show, you know, when I first started I had some focused problems. I had to Do things, you know

I was fucked up is what I'm trying to say to you. You know what I'm saying like before the knee surgery after the knee surgery I was a little fucked up in the head. I'll never forget that one day I was downstairs here on the computer and somebody rang the doorbell like a neighbor of mine and I was So out of it like not on drugs or high or anything. I mean, I was just I'm like, I'm not answering the fucking door I'm just not fucking doing it. You know, I remember when I was in the halfway house You know, I'm talking about the halfway house because this it was a fucking rough weekend this week I wasn't a rough weekend Sunday was my 30

third Or 34th anniversary that I got sentenced in prison. It was August 15th 1988 so it just I was talking to the, you know We did the chapter this week on the kidnapping and that's the chapter that we're focusing on this week and all the bullshit And I was thinking about when I got in the fucking halfway house And I got into uh, when you first get to the halfway house, you go to a seven-man room But after you're there for a while and you get some fucking points They put you in the three-man room

And that's not bad. The only thing that sucks about the three-man room. It's that there's a bunk bed And then there's a bed So the guy who had the bed looked just like jim norton Not jim norton ed norton from the honeymoon is art carney He was his fucking twin this guy We in fact we used to call him norton everything he'd say stop calling me that I don't look like norton Who gives a fuck When I moved to a three-man room

It was norton in the single bed My main man Alejandro ray and the bottom bunk and they put me on the top bunk I wasn't 400 pounds and I was in shape then And I used to have to climb the bunk bed and you know go to the bathroom and climb down and And it kind of sucked. So one day I went to alex. I go alex. Listen. There's what we're gonna do We're gonna get rid of fucking norton He's like, how are you gonna get rid of him? I go we're gonna torture him Till he taps out, you know, shit in his shoes

Crazy glue on the phone anything we could do we glued his fucking hat To the couch. I mean if you could do it We could do it. It was a slow torture. He was a sweetheart of a guy We didn't let him know we were torturing him. It was just like things would happen, you know His car would be a flat tire. We just did different things to him. He was way older than us You know, he was like my age now. I feel guilty telling you guys the story Because he was a sweetheart of a guy, but I was sick and tired of going to that top bunk Okay, if it's between the top bunk and you

I I got and I went to him like a man. I go listen. Do you mind sleeping on the top bunk? Me and alex like to talk at night. He's like, no, nobody's getting that single bed. All right So I'm like, how can I get rid of this fucking guy? This went on for two months. We were torturing him We hid one of the sneakers. We you know, we hit his forks Anything we could do to this guy to make him like fucking Think about his life so I used to work in west minster

uh, colorado at the time west minster is next to a hundred and fourth and thorton And there used to be a mall that I used to go to the movies and there was a magic Shop at the mall, you know, you go on them by magic tricks and fucking fake eyes and And all this shit. They also had those things you put in cigarettes and when they light it up the cigarette blows up So I was doing it to people, you know, I was doing it to a couple people I was working this fucking cigarette thing for about three weeks And one day I'm sitting in the car and I'm like, fuck, maybe I should do this to norton Maybe this will be the fucking deciding factor

So I get home on a friday night. All the invicks are waiting for me. I'm bringing in like a fucking ounce of coke I'm slinging coke from my old tower room. Oh, this is crazy Fucking bctc was crazy. There was a chick patrice twining. She was sucking dick on the first floor You wouldn't even have to go into her apartment. She would just open the door and you just stand in the hallway Like holding on to her door and she would get on her knees and suck your dick and the counselors will go Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? They didn't know you were getting your dick. She's like, can they see me? No, you're inside the fucking door. They can't see we weren't allowed into the girls' apartments But we could talk to them in the hallway

So, you know, oh after all that shit's done I get my dick sucked. I go upstairs and I see that norton left his cigarettes on the fucking counter dog I fucking stuffed all those fucking cigarettes What I mean, I stuffed them I got a toothpick And I fucking stuffed them in deep So if the first one if you smoked over the first one

The second one will get you and then if you continue to smoke the cigarette There was also one in the back to really knock you the fuck out I put all his fucking I put all the plugs in there. I had it all perfectly and I fucking Went to bed. We all went to bed. Norton came in last. It was dark out So we're in the bedroom and we're making a little fucking stupid faggy noises. We're going like, uh E

We're making all these noises And norton's like we had a pillow on his head. He's like, well, you guys shut the fuck up And we're giggling. We're still making noises and shit And finally Eureka this motherfucker gets up all confused He throws the pillow on the floor and he goes on to the living room. The beauty was he didn't turn on the light He just sat down at the coffee thing Me and alex held our breath. We're like, let's see what's gonna happen

And sure enough you hear a cigarette getting pulled out of the fucking Marlboro box You know, I'm just assuming he puts in his lips and I go alex We're five seconds from d-day and all of a sudden you actually heard the light of go And you see him go back There was like a little shadow on the wall And there was nothing but darkness And all of a sudden You just saw did you guys see the movie heat when deniro shoots fucking

The guy at the end the mexican dude, uh trejo He shoots him at the end. They don't show you him shooting deniro shooting trail They show you the house from outside and you just see the sparks Going up. You don't see any bullets. You don't see any bodies. You don't see any guns That's all we saw from the bunk bed Was a shot of like lightning. Pa And then it went pa And i'm like, oh

Shit, and I stuffed him so much. I thought his head had blown off his fucking shoulders when he lit that cigarette We waited like five minutes And I go alex. Let's go check. He hasn't said a word. He didn't say anything for five minutes We tiptoed out there and we fucking just saw him. He was just sitting in his chair With the cigarette in his mouth. He was blown apart and there was nicotine all over his shirt And he's just sitting there going like this That's how I felt when I got here and if that's how you feel right now Better help is for you better help is an online counseling

They connect you with the perfect therapist for me. It was Dana. I love it Okay, you can meet with them once a week twice a week. You could email them on the site They do the meeting with you on the website You could do it on the phone through the website or on zoom It's cheap and guess what it works. I am not a therapy type of guy But on this last fucking situation, I had to swallow my pride and go for it I would never even talk about going to therapy. I went to therapy when I was in the halfway house And I did not like it. I did not believe in it and I got to tell you after I moved here

I was having problems I spoke to Erica. She told me that she had gone to see an online therapist At first I was skeptical and I got to be honest that you better help Knocked it out of the park. I'm way better right now Because they taught me different things. They taught me how to cope with different situations how to read my triggers How to see when things are going to go awry and I'll tell you what I'm a better man. I feel a lot better I'm sleeping a lot better and yes for years. I always said go to your friends Well, all my friends were fucking comics. So they were one jaded when they would give me the advice that I needed

I went to better help and Dana knocked it out. They will connect you With the right therapist. Let's read what they have here Better help is therapy for the 21st century Again, this is not a crisis line. This is not self-help Better help is professional therapy online Listen, I am the most hard headed person in the world I hate all that stuff and I welcome this when I have a call Like the first three times I would call her like we would have a meeting

I would get anxiety and I told her about it and she goes i'm happy you told me about it This is what you need to do and I wrote everything down. Dana's great They have a flexible schedule. You could do phone or video calls at your convenience You get a good match. They'll put you with a licensed therapist who's right for you and they did for me with Dana One shot they did I told them what my problems were and they took care of them It's fast and when you sign up you could start talking to your therapist in less than 48 hours No waiting around it's affordable and you don't have to be a fancy ass new yorker to pay for this and financial aid is available So do me a favor just for the listeners of this podcast better help

Has a great offer to help you get started. You ready visit better help dot com right now help help.com Putting code Diaz Slash Diaz and we're going to give you 10 percent off your first month better help dot com Slash Diaz and On top of talking to you you can send the messages anytime. They'll get back to you within Sessions and if you want to switch therapists you could do it anytime for free

Better help dot com Slash Diaz for 10 off your first month Back to the situation at hand now. Sorry about the glasses. I lost the other good ones. I lost two good pair of good reading glasses I'm down to this one another pair reading glasses and I got My prescription glasses somewhere around here, but the fucking arm broke. You know how that goes I don't have to listen. They give you a little fucking screw like this If I got reading glasses and the reading glass breaks

How can I put that little fucking tiny screw in the fucking thing? So, you know, you can't fucking win in this life And nobody can help you my wife has to fucking put glasses on too So my prescription glasses are sitting there with a leg fucking broken. It looks like a fucking tripod So like I was telling you before better life Better help better life. What the fuck am I thinking like I was telling you before better help It was kind of rough this weekend. Not not wasn't what rough at all. I just When it comes to that prison shit

I keep it close to me And I'll tell you why I keep it close to me in case I decide to think I could slip I keep that prison and that thought caught close to me. I thought I was invincible when I was 25 years old And that kidnapping and that thing made me Believe I wasn't invincible And then I was vulnerable and then I was a fucking idiot for doing what I did and I would never do it again I'm very happy about my prison experience. I didn't get raped

I didn't get fucked in the ass. None of that shit. I didn't fuck nobody in the ass I got into one misunderstanding But that whole thing taught me patience It taught me the patience I needed To become a man and to do something good with my life When you fucking sit somewhere And you think you're gonna be in there for fucking seven months And you don't think about escaping or doing anything like that. You're on the right track

You're saying to yourself. I'm accepting what's gonna happen to me. I'm accepting my karma. I'm except I'm accepting my fate And now I can move forward that this is out of the fucking way You know, it's like how I feel now For the last couple months. I had bad anxiety. I was getting you know I wasn't well. I was struggling as a human being, you know But I knew that the more I stuck with it I'd get better at it You know, listen like that as cliche and as faggy as this sounds. It's very true

Tough times don't last tough people do You have to look at something and go, you know what? This is where I am today In three weeks. I won't be in this place. And this is what happened here. You know, I went to better help. I I started identifying my fucking triggers. I started seeing What people's uh, you know, what my expectations were. I'm sick of repeating this and what people's expectations were I couldn't worry about what their expectations were that's their expectations. They have to deal with it I don't give a fuck about that and it's made my life a lot better, you know For a long time. I was struggling here trying to beat myself up

Why i'm not doing this why i'm not doing that, you know why because I don't want to fucking do it That's the fucking answer to you. I don't want to fucking do it I don't want to be involved in that and that's just the way it is You know, when I said goodbye to when I left hollywood I didn't know that I was saying goodbye to hollywood. I didn't know I had no fucking idea I don't mind doing a couple fucking weeks in new york like Acting I don't mind doing some simple acting. I don't want to get involved in 10 days or anything like that One two days on a project. I'm fucking in that's the most I can handle right now. At least I'm being honest with you

That's the most I can handle anything after that. I'll start to get nervous. I was talking to a good buddy of mine Uh yesterday when we were talking he he called me friday night He was going to dinner one of the places that I usually go to up north. He was going to rudies And He said that you know, he's a mailman. He's uh 10 months from retiring 9 months from retiring. He can't fucking wait. We've been friends since he was 12 years old 14 years old. I mean I moved in with the runnies

When I was 16 17 and he was maybe 14 12 13, but I knew his brothers I knew a bunch of kids and he was telling me yesterday because you know, I didn't know Uh, he was telling me friday that he went out to dinner friday night And this place is great. It's one of the best places I go to The the restaurant part is is great because it's empty When you walk in the bar, you just walk into a den of covet I mean

When you open the bar, you're like if these motherfuckers don't have covet Nobody does, you know, I love rudies. They got closed down because they had a covet case Maybe january february everybody had a closed down at least once it doesn't reflect on who they are Or if they're clean or not, you know, it was just covet. It was fucking people up But you know that bar gets packed in there and people don't give a fuck I was in there one night eating dinner when I walked out Some guy said to me I got to go home because my kids got coveted and what the fuck are you doing here at the bar? Breathing and shit

But that's the way it is in there if you go in there But he was telling me he goes, you know, I've been playing it great as a post as a male man He goes, I've been doing all this shit and when I walked into rudies one of the guys pulled me aside And was talking to me for 10 minutes while I waited to get my table And he goes right now. I'm sweating that I got fucking covet, you know, because I was talking to him I was thinking about that I worked so hard This whole 18 months not to get sick Because he's he's real tight with his mother. He sees his mother as mother's like 90

And he goes right now. I'm blowing it because I'm talking to this fucking guy in a restaurant And I know the guy he was talking to a good guy Just they're all fucking drunks the whole family great, you know, who gives a fuck my point is that You know, I've been trying really hard not to get sick. I don't want to get sick I know I got a lot of underlying problems, you know, I'm saying but on the bright side The doctor called me fucking Thursday when I was at the pool To fuck my day up. He's like mr. Diaz. Yes. He goes, this is dr. Zuckerman I'm giving you a call because I want you to come in to talk about your heart monitor tomorrow

I'm like tomorrow the appointment was supposed to be on the 25th He goes, yeah, I got a couple cancellations if you want to come in tomorrow As soon as I hung up with that motherfucker, I wanted to fucking You know, why is he calling me? They're gonna have to put a stent in my heart I'm gonna die. They're gonna have to put a fucking box whatever you call it A pacemaker. I'm not gonna get hard on's no more. I mean, I was panicking I walked in there yesterday and the motherfucker's like you're fine We put the model on you for 10 days

It looks like your fucking heartbeat disappeared like that extra third beat disappeared So come back and see me in six months and keep living your life I was like, are you serious? He goes you get the heart of a fucking bull. He goes the last three fucking Whatever the hard things that they do when you fucking when they put all the electrodes on you He goes they the ekgs have been stronger Than the first one. He goes, I don't know what to tell you. So I'm feeling better Better help worked. You know what I'm saying?

I helped and Just me doing this and pushing through and you guys give me the opportunity to come into your fucking living rooms or through your fucking car Speakers twice a week has been great. I know that I was damaged goods For a while and you guys didn't turn your back on me whether it was on patreon On the joint so I owe you my fucking life That's why I come here every week and pour my heart out to you motherfuckers I don't give a fuck because if it if my fucking mistakes can make you stronger That's what I want. That's the purpose of me doing this. I'm 58 years old. I'm a lord

I'm an old dog who's made a lot of fucking mistakes You could see all the mistakes when you look at my eyes when you look at my fucking face You could see the mistakes I made. I'm not ashamed of them because at the end I got what I wanted. I got to come back to jersey I got a great family. I got a great friends. I got mike You know and we're trying to do the best podcast that we can man. So I appreciate you guys having my back. I appreciate you having patreon I will not ask you to fucking come see me watch

Any fucking shows because I got none, you know, this is as safe as we could have it We do our own zoom. I do a zoom on wednesdays with a guest And I do this one for you on monday just to let you know what's going on in my heart And my head. I appreciate That you fucking guys watch today. It's monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive And this sets the tone for the fucking week. You understand me? So if you think you were having a fucking bad week, I hope now you feel better After you sat with me and we talked about

Roseanne Dak Sheppard and the rest everybody else who's fucking out of their fucking minds anymore I love you cocksuckers. Have a great fucking day. Have a great tuesday, and I'll be back wednesday morning tip Top motherfucking magoo to serve you cocksuckers. I love you motherfuckers That's it and now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors later All right, you bad motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching today We made some good points Who the fuck knows what they were? I have no idea what I talked about

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Download the draft kings sportsbook app. It's time to win some geeters bitches The joint is also brought to you by Better help what's standing in the way of you achieving your goals Figure it out with better help. I was struggling I contacted better help online and Dana fucking has helped me tremendously She's given me coping skills To help with my with my anxiety and here we are today better help is therapy for the 21st century This is not a crisis line. This is this is not self-help better help is professional therapy

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Australia Europe, South Africa Singapore sling, who's better than you? You cannot find a better fucking deal in the galaxy So do me a favor get 20 off and free shipping at manscape.com Slash showy again. That's manscape.com slash showy 20 off and free shipping Your balls are gonna. Thank you. I want to thank manscape I want to thank better help and I want to thank draft kings for having our back And having your back. They're also taking care of you cocksuckers I love you guys with all my heart. Have a great monday

And i'll be back wednesday tip top magoo Ready to go. I love you cocksuckers. Stay black You