Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/02/2012 - Church is In Session

Episode Date: September 3, 2012

This is the first episode of The Church of Whats Happening Now. I got together with my friend Lee Syatt and we talked about whatever was on our mind. Everything from weightloss secrets, to cats, to music and movies. This will only get better as it goes so stay tuned momo's! Stay Black!

good morning guys what's happening beautiful a lot of people said to put a camera on you I said you didn't want to fuck that you want to be like the neighbor in the Tim Allen show whatever I got warrants in Jerusalem that's right hope you guys are doing fucking time gonna spark the fucking holy smoke the church what's happening now is in full fucking effect everything's beautiful had a great weekend up at the fucking ice house we did Friday we did Saturday Stan hope showed up drinking vodka's I fucking love that guy oh that was amazing I watched it this morning when I got home from work and it's just when

he was talking about Arizona I thought of you I don't think you're gonna move to Arizona but just the entire way he was talking about his town I could like with you or Tennessee or wherever you'd go I could imagine you doing that in a few years fuck you I don't know you know it's included and stuff like that but it's hysterical because well a lot of people don't know isn't Doug Stan hope really helped me move to Los Angeles about 15 years ago mm-hmm I've known Stan hope since 91 and we've been in Boulder at the Boulder Broker Joker when I was starting to do comedy at first and he fucking stayed at my house twice and he

came back he was on evening at the improv and we became friends and we kept in touch and then I forgot what you know I forgot his numbers some shit and I was living in Seattle by that time and he had one San Francisco comedy competition he was fucking huge and he came up and we did new years and he asked me to come back to LA with him and I was like I don't fucking think so and then as I was ready to come move down here from fucking Seattle they fucking didn't want me to leave like they put like this phony warring up so I had to wait an extra fucking couple weeks but when I got here I stayed with Stan hope he got

me into the fucking comedy story that's what a lot of people don't know so I had a great time up there testicle testaments was great testicle testin taping was great on Wednesday night we talked about Juan that was amazing man I mean it's getting better and better I mean if you guys don't know Joey does his stories testicle testaments every last Wednesday the month last Wednesday the month and I'm very lucky because I like the week before Joey takes me to a coffee shop and he just we're just talking but he goes to the story with me and it's especially this one about your your stepdad was just it was

unbelievably you were you got emotional it did you becoming a father now it's kind of amazing to think about I came back it spins out you know it was weird because he was like my father he was my father he's only father I have a new so I always think about him I find myself doing shit in the daytime I might that's something one would do or whatever but besides that the church was happening now we're gonna come to you live every fucking week every week twice a week Monday mornings about 6 a.m. Wednesday mornings about 6 a.m. little bit of music talk about some shit you know talk about the rules of what's

happening now a lot of people don't know about the church what's happening now how it was invented church what's happening now is a code I fucking live off okay you ever have these people they come up to you and they start breaking your balls about shit and you listen to what they're telling you like either this guy's a fucking phony or he's out of his fucking mind you know talking to you about well and in 1972 you know dolphins were gonna be extinct who gives a fuck guy you mean to tell me you're really interested about shit or just talking about this shit to be fucking interesting the church was happening now

avoids all that shit rule number one of the church was happening now is mind your fucking business rule number two mind your fucking rule number three mind your fucking business what that means all together is nothing bad will happen if you don't mind your fucking business that's number one just mind it number two of the church was having now whatever they think they expecting from you give them something fucking different if they're expecting an ipope kick them in the fucking ear or kick them in the nutsack or something something completely different here look at these Twitter fucking monkey toddies or

savages motherfuckers don't sleep on Twitter you know what it's amazing I just they're up all night I'm up all night it's crazy you with seventy thousand followers I come home at one in the fucking morning you just put say hello on there there's 92 million fucking hits on there it's amazing yeah it's we create our own little fucking world with the Internet I hated it for a long time there's a bunch of young kids on there playing the drums and it's amazing because we wouldn't be here without them we started out with my flavors world we did the CD we did the documentary and fucking Facebook look at

the stock was going down Facebook's full of fucking ads you could smell the twins on there what are those two twins doing then they buy a house they sell in the house and oh the Winklevoss twins oh god winky voss twins these fucking mommos you think you're dealing with though I see social network bitch I see you a couple times I can't put up with the guy that plays the thief I like Justin Timberlake what's the kid's name that plays the fucking oh Jesse Eisenberg yeah he always has a look on his face like somebody fucking farted oh speaking about fucking farting we finished the podcast the other day let's go get some

fucking coffee or something now the whole morning you know before you before you need to shit like we getting up early right now so I'm not even in my shit zone the shit so it starts about 7 30 quarter 8 right before church so it's early so I gotta eat breakfast first drink a few cups of coffee maybe smoke a number and I'm ready to take a fucking dumpster and I walk outside with Lee and I had a rip one I didn't want to go in this car you have somebody fart and bring the fucking fart into their fucking into your car nothing pisses me off more than that and somebody farts in the hallway and they bring it in air it out

out there so I blow this fucking tremendous far like I'm gonna blow right now listen just like that I blow where's the number but you can't he we heard it in the car oh my god I heard in the car I'm a fucking real Jew I'm not gonna go in there with that ass stink around my muffler I'm out there airing the leg I'm pumping it like a fucking dog and as I look I see a lady about 30 feet away and she's about 90 years old like a Spanish grandmother and she's walking a slowly like picture any old woman walking across the street that's her I get into the fucking car and I go leave this poor ladies about to walk into the

fog a fucking dead and sure enough as she walks into the zone I see her pick her head up and just start going like this like he she smells it and she made a face that was perfect perfect now if you were inside the house and somebody smelled your fart that's one thing but when you're outside this horror film it sucks up the far to shit like that you still bump into a fart that was a fucking good for what about the one I just kick right oh my god there's no you're gonna throw that chair out but that it's it didn't what you just said they didn't even give it justice that woman her face turned up and she was

waving at the air like it was mustard gas or something it wasn't just oh that's a bad smelling fart she was you probably ruined her day let me tell you some people I hope you're up don't forget let's say church starts at 730 it's 618 right now it's 918 on the East Coast either you're walking out of church you're going to fucking Denny's to stand online like a mook or you're gonna go through your car smoking number and think about what other fuck the priest or the fucking beacon or the fucking rabbi had to say well the Jews go to church yesterday with a fuck temple that's special they go to temple with Prince

so like right now today I got to get the fuck out of here but now I'll go in there see Padre throw fucking blessing on him put a couple dollars in the basket I'm out there in a fucking half hour but who else comes on before church to get you ready mentally for what the fuck they're gonna talk about only Joe ideas like today what the fuck they're gonna talk about fucking Peter and Paul I don't give a fuck I've heard the story 80 times but I go I take a couple rips off this and that's it it's all over but the fucking shot and the funny thing was now that's tremendous loving the church it was happening now I heard

the fart here in Wales technology you understand me that's how my muffler I got the people always say Joey speak closer to the fucking microphone these are tight fucking microphones you can talk anyone in the room they get you it's like a fucking FBI microphone Jesus Christ speaking of which man let me tell you something I watched some college football what a lot of people don't know is one of the kids I grew up with is now the the head defensive coordinator Penn State Jesus Christ of Miami really yeah they fucking won big yesterday I was pretty good I watched that for a little while but there's no pro today

right no no starts next week now let me explain some to you if you if you're back let's say you're a pro fucking game with a professional game we're getting up right now the first game could be a two who gives a fuck you're getting them now you're gonna get your day started you're gonna look at the paper you're gonna go online see who's hurt you're gonna do some fucking voodoo maybe throw a curse on the fucking quarterback and you're up early fuck watching those dumb TV shows they're steering you to a fucking loser those cock suckers that a kiss at that you don't see them put no fucking bets on nothing so now you're

getting up you're getting early that shit don't start this week next week is the fucking killer all these NFL junkie motherfuckers will be up ready to rock where's my cat's at these motherfuckers these are the treats they like I hear fucking temptations it tastes like milk or whatever they got all different nobody to get the condom for this shit these little cock suckers they got up early with me I got up there was like two of them up already yeah you said they're up all night well they're up all night if they get encouraged man I'd like for they tap out they go fuck if there's nobody here to rock the house

where's Uncle Joey but I tell you what you have no idea when you come home and now you have cats because this motherfuckers listen my wife goes to bed at nine o'clock it's not even my wife I'm worried about it's the fucking cats I come home I got a female cat that just sits there and harasses me you want to lower that shit in there what are you gonna do things about things are bad all over I just bump my earphone cats and I gotta get some fit down get over here one of you little fuckers get over here shit I got treats I'm giving out come here baby come here

temptation's treats I got the fucking check this shit I got there's my boy so he's all scared to me I don't know what it's from I got the cat about myself yeah once one comes in they all come in yeah no they come to see me now the one guy's nervous you should have called me I would have opened the door for you when you're knocking he goes fucking bananas okay come here Harry say hello to people at home come here knuckle sandwich get over here this is what happens early in the morning I say a lot of the cats the animals are nothing it's fucking Sunday so don't forget to get your oatmeal you want to

start the week off right with the muffler you know say come here Harry come say hello to the fucking people on TV I love this little guy here don't forget if you want to drive your cats crazy right here it's on Amazon it's called pet green catnip buds these buds look fucking good too thank god I don't drink come home and fucking roll one of these things up look it's not a fucking tree or something like that so speaking of opium one of the things we want to talk about is losing weight that's right Joey's lost a lot of weight and you guys can't see me but I've lost about 40 pounds but I need to lose about another

hundred something like that and Joey's been one of the best guys for me since we've gotten together taking me through it because like the usual diet I'm sure a lot of guys out there listening or girls right now listening have weight issues and a lot of the diets and weight and working out they just sucks so Joey has the oatmeal what else do you usually eat all every day if you're gonna put a banana in me I'll fucking put a little oatmeal in me a little special K and then I go for a little walk about 8 30 when I take my wife to work and then as the day goes I'm a I'm basically a weight watcher's guy I'm always looking for

new fucking recipes you know I got the Dolce book so listen man it's like my religious beliefs I'm a Catholic but I try to borrow from the fucking Jews I throw a little Buddhism in there you know a little Santa Rhea I put it all together it's like the g-cundola fucking religions is like the g-cundola diets so I do the Dolce diet and I do the Weight Watchers diet put together and then you work out like a motherfucker and on the other side you know it's funny because when I first I was weighing 415 and for a month I would go box in the morning and fortune's Jim and I'd hit the bag and I'd fucking there was a

Maca Foley would train me in the ring and I did that for a while and I wasn't loose I lost 15 pounds in 60 days and then I read something online I talked about that you could jump up and down for 92 fucking hours a day but if you're not eating correctly that's the whole thing you got to eat correctly and I read it and it made sense and I'd gone to a heart doctor and that's fucking guys said to me you know he goes Joe even coming in here for a while my heart strong but he goes you too heavy your heart strong he goes you should do something why don't you go to see a what's that diet not when they put the

fucking staple in your stomach but the other one gastro bypass yeah he goes you should look into it and he goes that he would he could talk to a doctor and give it to me at cost and they could do payments and I said you know what I that's about 90 fucking needles I could see me fainting the whole fucking week I go forget about that shit so before I looked into it I had a friend Marilyn Martinez who died a couple years ago cancer God bless us so but she was on Weight Watchers and she lost a ton of fucking weight for a while so I remember just walking into Weight Watchers and it was just making little fucking changes

wasn't making bro let me tell you something fat fuck like me stoner could lose weight everybody could lose weight because it's basically just switching it around I I went from eating you know this is my old breakfast my old breakfast was like three eggs sunny side up a half a pack of bacon you know toast about three cans of Coca-Cola that was my old breakfast yeah it was like whatever what what I would eat with my wife at 8 o'clock you know 7 30 soon as she went to work or I smoked a fucking joint I go to McDonald's and get a number one with a fucking Coke cheese you know in two apple pies and

then I'd smoke more pot and I'd go eat Chinese with my friends you know and Chinese will fucking will fatten you to fuck up you know especially the Chinese I and then I go home and eat the leftovers from the night before and then I'd have dinner with my wife now my wife is from the fucking south you know my wife will fry it if you let her that bitch will fry a fucking piece of bread you know so we go home and she make a huge dinner okay and then I go out mm-hmm go to a comedy store and I drink Coca-Cola's oh geez that's killer and I drink 10 or 12 Coca-Cola's you know all night at the bar with no alcohol in it

then I go home on the way home you got to stop me get a taco or milkshake yeah something so it was really easy so with weight watchers I went from that diet to basically one egg a piece of toast three slices of bacon and a bowl of oatmeal a bunch of fruit see the weight watchers diet I did before see I write everything down mm-hmm so the weight watchers diet I did before they had fruit was points but I'm sitting there going fruits no point yeah so I cheated I just ate as much fruit as I could I went from fucking apples to bananas to peaches like I just ate a banana this my fruits the key like if you're over

350 pounds weight watcher says to eat fruit seven fucking times a day and that's tough man that's tough but not really that's an apple here a banana there a pineapple fucking here you know that's really tough but you know what I dropped 100 pounds all the way to 270 in the last 14 months I've put on 30 pounds I'm up to 300 I walk around at 298 297 by the time the baby's born I'd like to be down to 250 to 45 you know my head's gonna be fucking ginormous if you think you know my head my nose all you see is fucking nose and ears and that's one thing they've never had a diet for is the fucking coconut yeah and let me ask

you cuz your comic and you would on the road and being out at night my big problem is I work a lot and and the I would there's nothing easier than a drive-through after you work eight ten hours a day you don't really want to go home and cook now you're not doing that but you're out on the road you're out late at the store you don't want to come home and start cooking a meal so you stop at McDonald's or whatever is it just changing your mindset or how did you get to doing Weight Watchers with that sort of stuff you just have to decide what the fuck you want to do you know if you're going to McDonald's and

all those places you're shooting yourself in the fucking foot if you're going to McDonald's constantly you know what I you have to I don't understand how McDonald's and still in business with everything I read I don't understand how you got these little fucking kids and I see him going into McDonald's one thing about me guys if you look at my pictures if I could find pictures of me as a child I was always scrappy I was skinny I didn't get fucking fat to my 35s 32s really yeah I used to walk everywhere I would walk okay you know I believe in fucking exercise but I got what's called sleep apnea with the one

of the worst things you could fucking do is stay up late especially if you have to get up early which is part of your problem yeah I'm working night so it's but here it is man plain and simple it's whatever the fuck you want to do you want to lose the fucking way you lose the fucking weight I'm telling you that it's not hard at all to fucking lose weight it's harder in your mind harder in your mind because Weight Watchers teaches you for example there's a place Roma fucking pizza up here that they make sandwiches okay now you could go in there we could get a sandwich two sides chips and a soda or you go in there

and get split a sandwich yeah one side of red peppers in olive oil which you don't think that has points is the olive oil which is good for you yeah and maybe get a you know a glass of water or something you could still eat I could still go to fucking in and out burger and get a burger a cheeseburger single with lettuce tomato no mayonnaise and no fucking special sauce I could eat a half order of fries because the burger with the points is eight I could eat a half order of fries which is four and then get a diet soda so I just want to end it out for 12 points as opposed to two burgers the large fries a double double

fries a milkshake a soda and you know what at first you look at this meal and you go I'm gonna be fucking hungry but you're not after you finish there you're not hungry at all you're like what the fuck man if I could do this all the time it wouldn't be that bad you know I'm saying yeah one thing you said to me when we started is go like going to Subway which is you can get healthy food there but when you go in there I always think oh I'm gonna want to have the foot long when you eat the foot long you're full if you hadn't gotten the six inch and waited 10 minutes you're gonna be full it's enough food if you eat the six inch

butt let me tell you something man and I'm a fucking I've always liked the best food I always that's one thing about me my mother did not like let me eat fast food okay you know I'm from Jersey I had fucked I grew up around great delis oh yeah I would never let myself on a fucking like I was in Nashville and there was a subway and I go let me go get a tuna how bad to be it's fucking bad yeah you know I'm sitting there one day like any other stoner on fucking the world and I'm watching a commercial they're talking about the turkey jalapeno avocado sandwich oh jeez delicious it sounds delicious it has a

delicious sandwich if you take Thuman's fucking oven roasted turkey and you slice that motherfucker thin and you get a nice avocado and shmurray you put some jalapenos maybe a piece of provolone yeah that's a fucking dynamic sandwich right there but when you go to fucking subway or quiz subway you taste that sandwich and it's that fucking turkey salami shit yeah you need how do you call this a spicy Italian this is a spicy fucking turkey this ain't no spicy Italian all that you leave there and I'm a lady you're burping fucking cold cuts like a motherfucker you're not supposed to be burping fucking cold

cuts never yeah so that's the reason why I don't go to subway and all that Jared said he lost weight with subway wait five years from now he's got a hemorrhoid the size of fucking mountain you look this coming out of his asshole yeah because all that shit a fucking key and and the lettuce is petrified sometimes it's just a little petrified you see the fucking people that work in subway they forget to put their gloves on I that's the worst thing for me customer service in restaurants is to an all-time fucking and and it's not even customer service at a restaurant it's customer service fucking anywhere you

walk into these places these kids just look at you like you're a fucking three-headed fucking monster you know just either help me it don't fucking help me yeah the store is looking to fucking spend a dollar and I look at who's working there and how they treat you and I've always said then in this economy right now customer services was gonna prevail yeah you know everybody has a cheap price look at fucking Amazon you could do is you could fucking do Amazon for fucking nothing yeah go on get delivered to your house you don't have to leave shipping stay home mind your fucking business and that's it you

know I'm saying do you think it's commission because like best find all those places they don't make commission anymore so what what is their incentive to sell what best best buys any of those electronic places any store I don't know have any stores that give that work on commission anymore do you yeah people work on my store to fucking footlock that's what I'm saying I think in the past they did but I know at least at the big electronic stores they don't work on commission so that's why they don't know anything and they don't actually was on Louie the other night the other night he he went into a store and a

salesman didn't know anything about it and then when he got when Louie didn't want to help him out he the salesman tripped him and it was it was hilarious but it brought up a good point that what's their incentive to sell it's wise and at good restaurants when service can make money you're gonna get good service at least in my experience I don't know what do you think the fuck you talking about I don't know man I've been up all night well if you go to fucking a nice restaurant and they know you're gonna fuck listen you should always fucking tip big let them like my mother my mother would get into a cab and

throw the motherfucker at 20 just to know where she stood with the motherfucker before she even put the pedal to the metal cocksucker you know so they know where you stand you know where you stand you go to a bar sometimes the bars packed you throw that bartender fucking ten-spot and a bud in the rock they could stand around me yelling me me me me me you're gonna still get the fucking cocktail first that's old-school type mentality yeah that's church of what's happening now you walk in there you give that fucking guy a bud you slip in his hand like a soldier and you see what happens speaking of fucking church of

what's happening now let's break over for some fucking Jesus fucking cookies here I got these things last night they're like one two thousand grams of fucking reefer and a little these are the new church of what's happened now is that a edible yeah these little edibles holy shit they're really they're really what do you call those jolly ranch is what you call oh good lord you fucking take them like this and right now if you're at home get on your hands and knees so I can throw a fucking blessing on you you know Jesus took the fucking juice passed around his friends and said drink for me the holy blood this is my

fucking blood the new and everlasting blood drink of it and you'll live for fucking ever and then he took the after dinner he took the fucking bread and he broke it and he gave with his disciples and said take this all of you and drink of it or eat of it this is my body the true and everlasting body of mad mother fucking flavor holy so here it is boom the church who throw it that's how we're running here today where these cats come see your dad you know these cats are coming out leaves here today we would you get a hooker last night or something you got the fucking you came in here that you put the malook on him you know

I'm sorry I'm sorry man usually they like me I don't know what's going on come on come on great way you don't want to say hello to the camera cocksucker and I'm gonna show you this is great it's my girl I'll graze great there's my great-great guys here's my little girl she's not that little you she's about fucking 10 I love it with all my heart is my little great-great say hello cocksuckers say hello great-great what's happening I know I'm not in the mic leave so what I turned it up I turned it up man they got it please this Christ they got to see what the beautiful cat is I can't have a mic now

hello mama now great has an interesting story right because when I first came over here she was like living in this room mostly yeah cuz gray used to live outside and when I moved here great started coming up the stairs and saying hello scratching the door in the mornings and shit my other cats will get fucking pissed yeah but then gray got attacked by this douchebag fucking cat was seen last night he ripped open a little back so I couldn't find that she wouldn't come home so me and my wife are hunting for grain we find around the corner and we brought it back and the landlord downstairs took it to the vet

but the problem was once she came back she was allowed to go back outside okay she's already got dogs downstairs that's right in my little girl so I brought her up I didn't want to leave she had grown up around here she knows the ends and up she's not allowed to go out no besides I couldn't have her out look at it she's my little black and white girl who says I hate black people that's like cocksucker and that's it guys we're here we're queer it's a beautiful Sunday this is like a really a run-through today I want to just get out and I'll see you guys last week was just a run-through we're probably gonna

start tomorrow officially correctly yeah we'll start we'll start tomorrow and like people who've been asking you can watch this on stick them it's if you just go to Joey's page like a couple hours later takes it's like YouTube it takes a while to upload it everything will be there the other one we didn't put up on iTunes it was like a kind of a test this one will put up and it'll be up probably tomorrow and everything will be up the day after and just a reminder we're looking for opening songs and we got a couple and we got some saying oh use this song use that song what we want is you guys to make us a

song without any else is anyone else's music and send it to church of what's happening now pod at gmail.com do it to Joey's Twitter at mad flavor do it to me at least sigh it just give it give it give us whatever you got man just do what you got put it down fucking get a ukulele you know I listen to guys you know the fucking style of music I listen to I listen to a lot of fucking crazy shit and that's weird man I appreciate the people who did listen sending me some emails and saying they've been listening to Errol Smith rocks because like I told you once I told you a million times guys it's one of the best albums we're

gonna start counting down every time I get on every couple days I'm gonna drop a new album on you and there's thousands of them I mean listen an album is not just ten songs it's the fucking order the way they put it on there the way you could fucking feel it going on there Led Zeppelin 2 is one of my favorite fucking albums because how they dropped it on there that's okay she's a good lady put it on there Pink Floyd the wall Pink Floyd animals got four songs you know Alice and change dirt it's not just about ten great songs it's also how they put it together another great album is Judas Priest British Steel you

don't have to be old to be wise is the fourth song on the second side just to let you know what the fucking strength is coming from you know I'm saying do I play it what you don't have to be old to be wise fucking player Judas Priest 80 I got the vape up and out like a doctor what's going on great looking great came out for some fucking catnip who wouldn't I gotta hide this because if not I'm telling you this fucking look at these bugs on the cabinet this is the best shit in the world Pete pet greens catnip buds look at a losing mind come great red on fuck around no what happened no no I'm saying she doesn't fuck

around those fucking candies are good I might feed another one here we go oh shit like this thing is gay but I didn't know that guy was I knew that guy was gay the first time I could see him in 79 I said he was gay at the paladin this club is like a little stuff a dumpy club in New York City in the 80s as soon as I walked in there the bitch had a fucking little twisted leather hat on the whip in his hand that ain't a fag I don't know what the fuck it was good enough this guy's voice was amazing

from the fuck from the east to the east to fuck with me I was back for leather so this album I loved it 81 was when I stopped listening to him that was the beginning of the end I said I was so bad I rocked and fucking drew this door that's how bad I was there's the planes was on there and you got another thing coming or whatever I can't deal with that shit this is a badass song right here but anyway let's go back to Errol Smith rocks play the whole fucking album we're gonna go over a couple songs here before I gotta go to church let me tell you something I'm going on my second body of Christ compels you do you have a specific song you want to play from it

let's open up with the first one back in the motherfucking saddle again bitches and where's my Facebook people fucking Facebook too many Christians on fucking Facebook they really they said that did something happen you just you just saw it I could just tell I could just tell Facebook is like I don't know it's like going to the business part of town that's closed on fucking it's like the business bar as opposed to the fun bar you go on Twitter put a syringe up there somebody will come back with a fucking grenade one in the morning yeah of course you know Twitter is always alive and kicking don't forget if you want to save your lungs I hear the Eureka vapor pen no no organic

this is the crazy thing about this song everybody's like well I'm gonna be the kid listen to people Harrow Smith's not gonna come back they're gonna break up they're on heroin kick this this is how they come to kick I Motherfuckers there was no Twitter then no Facebook selfish weren't first place in 75 Boston Red Sox were playing Cincinnati Red I mean it was different fucking society yeah

five little dirty motherfuckers out of Boston became fucking one of the best bands in the world you gotta give these guys credit look at that fucking thing over the next jam what's the name of it they don't have the whole album here they don't have the whole album yeah they do

oh here it is okay what do you think you're dealing with dog they gotta ever submit everything on YouTube it's a last child listen to fucking Joe Perry's guitar on last child okay there's what I'm talking about this is it this is pure heroin in your fucking soul they don't even have music like this no more because nobody will take the chance

nobody will go to Chinatown pick up a bag of number two you don't even have to shoot in your van do two little bumps you see the fucking devil he's on a harmonic and a fucking tambourine here we go three, seven, four, seven, eight, five up the meantime you can take out time with people from Washington 12 no oh shit

oh just quit right at the worst fucking thing from at this time so what you're having when you deal with YouTube yeah you got the worst one you can't hear a lyric tonight there's already a there's always a and I'll tell you one thing about Errol Smith it's not just rocks that's a great album get your wings the one before that is a great album

draw the motherfucking line is a great album the one uh even the last Errol Smith album where uh Joe I think Joe Perry left no no no no yeah Joe Perry left first Joe Perry went on and started a band for a while it was called the Joe Perry project and I seen him open up, Hart opened up for them 81 at radio

Kevin Hart what are you fucking retarded I don't know it's 1981 Kevin Hart Hart the fucking fat chicken the skinny blonde chick the fucking cat there's what I gotta deal with where is it where's last child

the good addition here I'm trying to fucking take these guys into a psychological journey all right let me get a good what are you fucking around here I want these guys to learn something well I think the church of what's happening now is coming up twice a week people fucking confuse I want you motherfuckers to stop

what you're fucking looking like everybody else you gotta be the individual be yourself no more sheep alive blast that fucking thing listen for this motherfucker drop it oh shit oh shit oh shit

yeah don't worry fuck it just go on home listen I don't give a fuck what you gotta do go to Amazon go to your grandmother's house look through her album collection if she ain't got fucking that real smith's rocks your grandmother was not a fucking cocksucker

so maybe that's why she's over there alone and shit going to bingo with the fucking priest and a bunch of other ugly women who the fuck am I talking about look at super bad came in for some reason my allergies have been bothering me oh they're awful I don't want people to think that my nose is leaking

because I was out doing fucking bumps and some fucking Puerto Rican it's so funny man you know I did coke for 30 years and the funniest thing is that I always think of this one dealer I had here because it was always such a blast a compliment I didn't meet him I met him in a parking lot in Hollywood

you met him in a parking lot yeah like we were just talking one night he came up to me this Mexican guy and he's like you know anybody looking for shit and I was like yeah me fuck yeah I do you knocked on the right door and he talked to me in Spanish can't think of a way

he opened up his hand he had a coke rock in his hand I took it you know I go how much before he even gave it to me to make sure I wasn't a cop so you know how these fucking momos now excuse me are you a cop? this motherfucker just took a coke rock and put it in my nose

he didn't play with you and you didn't fight it he just put that little rock in your nose make sure that you weren't a fucking cop then he did business with you so he gave me the coke rock and he goes listen if you ever want a cop go by a western and sunset there

there's like an old building or whatever the fuck there is there you ever go over there there's like and it's really empty at night that area you would think that western and sunset would be busier but it's kind of weird so he goes just drive over and I go do I beat you do I beep you

do I call you he goes no no no just go to western and sunset I'm there after 11 don't worry drive around and I'll find you I'm like drive around I'll find you and sure enough you get the fucking western and sunset you drive down the block go around there's like a Thai massage place you make a left and you come right

back to get the sunset and you drive back the other direction going west and all of a sudden I got past western and I'm driving and I look out my rear view mirror and I see this fucking Mexican guy chasing me like chasing me and I'm like what the fuck and I go oh my god it's him

so I pull right over on sunset and he would come up to the car window go hey how you doing in spanish get on the way what's going on and then he fucking just put a rock and coke in my nose while I was driving and then he go what do you got and he go open your hand and he put the fucking coke rock in your hand

you put in the middle compartment head home before the fucking cops come out that was hysterical another night one of the funniest cops I ever had I was living in Jersey it was like uh was it 94 it was the late 80s and

me and my buddies were hanging on hold on watch this far here Santana that's a good fart right there these cats will blow after this that's a good breakfast blend they got your fans on as they call it so we went over I never forget this and my buddy

goes listen we're in the city why don't we just fucking cop in the city so we pull over and there's this uh there's this black hooker and she's kind of cute my buddy pulls up there and she's like what the fuck can we get some blow and she's the bitch is like right here

I got it or something my buddy goes so how much for a gram we didn't even know we had nothing we knew how much a gram was in those days my buddy goes what can I get for 100 bucks okay that's what he asked her and he goes she goes give me the money and she gave the money and also she goes

put out your hand and he put out his hand he goes both of them and he put out both hands and she just went in her purse and started emptying these little crack vials a fucking blow like 20 of them she's like Jesus and we're like what the fuck we didn't know what crack was we were still confused it had to be

like 84 or something okay and I we look at it we're like what the fuck is this and she's like that's crack bitch you know you just got yourself some crack and we're like how do you do this and she's like you gotta smoke it and we're like where do we smoke it and that bitch had a pipe that she was smoking we gave her like 20 bucks

bought the pipe from her and shit I'll never forget I smoked it the next day I had to brush my teeth with fucking gasoline oh god that's something I've never gone into just anything other than other than weed I've never done but you don't need fucking nothing all you need is weed for you don't even need fucking alcohol

I don't like drinking that much man nah I've never seen you drink I don't like fucking drinking either and people that get drunk sometimes they just tear I don't know how to expect it sometimes I don't know how to like I went to Denver and I was doing the show with Joe and we were having a great time and I had a great time in Denver

with the people and next night I went to the UFC you know that the mad flavor world you made me when I'm talking to the kids oh yeah in the girls dancing yeah when they're talking to these fucking kids watching the Frank Yeager fight and right away a girl comes over right some fucking drunk girl like trying to light a cigarette

yeah I hate drunk girls they're the worst now I'm watching I got my eye on the fucking camera the TV is right there I'm fucking watching this I'm watching this you know it's like a minute in the rounds of five minutes right there's five rounds in this fight this bitch popped out in the second round

and sat there next to me and started asking me questions and poking me like poking me and she's like you have to walk over and meet my husband I'm like listen I'm watching the fucking fight I'm surprised you let her go past two seconds no I had my eyeball on the fucking fight she could talk all she wants

you know it's not being rude or whatever I'm watching the fight somebody gave me a ticket to come in here and watch the fight you know we go down there at the fights I usually don't want Joe to go by himself so I go at 4.45 with him at 6 o'clock

the edit was kicked in and you know I'm on my way so I like to walk around you just can't eat those hot dogs and pretzels you walk around at most these arenas today they have real food sometimes I just want to stretch my legs I had knee surgery so I went to this corner

and the kids came up to me and they were fun the kids were fun because it was in between fights I had a good time talking to them it was the fucking lady the lady was cute and I had nothing to do with it I'm watching the fight and she's poking me and she's asking me if I have a lighter

and who do you like we're going for this and I'm like listen this is a great fight we'll talk after and she says to us telling me that I don't want to meet me to walk down with her to her seat and I'm like they're not going to let me in the area without a ticket yes they will they'll let you in the area

they'll let you in the area she's giving me all this shit I'm like lady and also the third round starts and she's still fucking hawking me lady please after fucking two rounds I had to say something I wasn't being rude I was like lady fucking please can I watch this so she ends up going to the bathroom so I'm outside

and usually when somebody gets knocked the fuck out or whatever or at the end of the fight I'm out of there because I don't want to walk out of there with 90 people I want to walk out of there with like 3 or 4 people and be outside I go outside you know so the egg the fucking fight ended

I run outside and my phone starts ringing because I got with Duncan or Ari all of us you know we're all calling each other Doug Benson was with me so was Brandon Walsh so we all go on the phone waiting

so sure enough the phone calls and it's Doug or Joe and they're like hey where are you and I'm like I'm in front of the place I'm not fucking kidding you Lee a guy comes up to me behind me and right in my head goes Da! Lucy Snobush and I'm like can you hold on for one second

because I can't hear them he's like ahhh Lucy Snobush and he keeps yelling Lucy fucking Snobush in my ear Lucy Snobush Lucy Snobush I finally go hey you fucking cuckuck can't you see I'm on the fucking phone you fucking douchebag

what the fuck is wrong with you are you that fucking drunk I go let me finish the conversation I swear to god I go let me finish the fucking conversation and then I'll do whatever the fuck you want Lee do you know I turn around to talk to Joe or Doug and again the guy yells in my ear that's why I don't like alcohol

and I was like are you fucking kidding me I mean and that's the shit that gets me all pissed off I listen man in my life even when I was a child I never approached nobody I approached Julia Serving and I think I blinked the fucking Richard Gears studio and I had to see if he would suck my dick

but you know somebody's on the phone I mean the way I was fucking raised somebody's on the phone to get the fuck off the phone or you do what the fuck you gotta do I don't know who they're talking to you see somebody on the phone that's just a polite thing to do

to see who the fuck they're talking to just say excuse me I'm not even you're on the fucking phone but these people are coming to my ear and I enjoy doing the podcast and I enjoy doing everything the fuck I do Lee if not I wouldn't do it I don't do this because I want to do this

I do this because I like talking to people but that's the one fucking part that just kills you when you try to tell somebody hey you know when you come up to me after one of my shows I'll basically do anything with you you're out there probably for at least an hour two hours talking to people

I love it I want to know where you came from what made you drive people say to me hey man the story about this helped me go to this this morning we're talking about being a fat fuck like me and trying to lose weight all this helps people connect with you for a certain reason and that's what I always knew

like for years I didn't connect with people because of my count if you don't have to see me five years ago you would have probably thought I was funny or whatever but you weren't going to go home and look me up it wasn't until I started talking about mugging hookers but with the mugging hookers I also shared other positive fucking experiences

and I only mugged one hooker only one one time you get one I never like doing that shit you know sometimes when something bad happens to you in your life and you get angry at society

you get angry at yourself you get angry at the fucking god that you worship whatever the fuck you tend to do shit that you don't really want to do you just do it maybe the fucking cover up the pain maybe that's what I did at that time Lee what's going on if you're going to play music don't make me have to play music over here

and me switch this motherfucker up I told you this before we did the podcast that we got to figure out why am I in because I know this music I know all these songs and I know where to go next one I'll plug it into yours because I got to control the music over here

now I can't give the people what the fuck they want you know what I'm saying you know the music I got to love the music because I got to give these motherfuckers something to get fired up about this morning I played a couple songs but they weren't the ooh I'm getting fucked up on those candies

oh really it's the lords and it's not even 7am who gives a fuck man listen this has always been a great jam for me I always like black Sabbaths into the void you know the first time I bought

master reality I wouldn't fucking listen to it I listened to it like once or twice and I was scared and I never fucking you know liked it again and then finally as I got older one day

I fucking listened to master reality and I really dug it again put on a little master reality see what you got for them which one black Sabbath into the void fuck yeah alright so I'm gonna play it for us first see if you like it and then if it sounds good

I'll play it for them fuck it these good things that I deal with I'm fucking lying listen to this torch gun here we go baby alright so I'll play it for them I did it

and the exercise is done regular time of the week time of the week you know what I've never liked scary movies man it's not somebody that I do well with no I don't like somebody

you know what I'm saying oh no well not even that but even like the exercise there's a new movie coming out where the Jews are taking over people have you seen that it's like I heard it's fucking terrible first one Jews want to walk into the fucker

the devil goes crazy I can't collect it here we go blast that brother sounds better right go go here we go John who was singing when he was doing this

this paranoid when he wrote fairies wear boots and he was walking around and one night he seen a bag with boots on and he was walking around and he wrote fairies wear boots and now we've had a reality show what do you think about that when the rock stars you grew up with

are doing reality shows on MTV fuck you do your best work when you don't give a fuck as we've noticed you do your best work when you don't give a fuck what that means is

you listen to the first four albums of somebody and you're like fuck this is tremendous and then what happens is they throw a little money thrown at them and now they're hungry listen you should have a great first fucking album it's the second album that fucking kills you everybody should have a

what was the question no I was talking about like we talked about last week how the lead singer was on American Idol and Ozzy had an MTV show like when you see your heroes doing stuff like that like you're talking about they did heroin and they didn't care

and they did all this awesome music well now they got money thrown at them and I was an Ozzy fan when fucking up to Black Sabbath and I was an Ozzy fan for the first two or three albums then it went into a different direction he was barking at the moon

he was doing all this shit and it didn't really catch on for me no more but it's like us right now I come on here for a long time for a long time I could stand up for ten fucking years out here I did stand up for five before that

and I got moderate success some movies and stuff like that I did a podcast with Felicia I did the Joe Rogan podcast a bunch and I realized that you know what I had nothing to fucking lose when you have nothing to lose in your life that's the best position you're in so I told these stories

that were all real about my life growing up that I would tell people for years and they'd go dog why don't you talk about that on fucking stage talk about these stories on stage and I'd go dog I can't say this I finally opened up my soul to these people and they took the ride with me

I do this podcast in the mornings especially this one I do the one with Felicia I do Joe's and Duncan's I love doing them but I wanted to do this podcast of Churchill what's happening now to let people know what the fuck was in my head and I will tell you something I don't care how many sponsors I get or whatever

I'm still going to beat me because I have nothing to lose there's people that money changes them and when the money comes in they get like what do you call that shit they watch what the fuck they're doing because they don't want to lose that i.e. John Jones two weeks ago he's a fucking champion

he has everything to lose by going in that ring with Cheo's son and nothing to gain and that's a lot of people in the stand everybody's sitting there putting John Jones down why are you putting this kid down somebody's calling out your challenge who has nothing to lose who came off a fucking loss has fought nobody at 205

a bad loss you know he's coming off a fucking loss he's come up and fight somebody at 205 before you call out John Jones and the public is like oh John Jones a pussy this becomes a business this isn't like I told Tripoli and the punch drunk dudes

this isn't two Puerto Ricans at White Castle this isn't about just fighting because I'm tougher than you it's a business he's got two daughters and a wife and you know a family and whatever the fuck he's got he makes mistakes like everybody else but when you have a lot more to lose

you protect what you have you're gonna lose like me I mean fuck it you know what I survived all these years and what I got I don't need fucking money money's not gonna do nothing for me at this point in the game I'm happy just being fucking me we have a great time we fight old women walk into that fucking swamp ass

you know what I'm saying so that's what happens when Ozzy got that reality show when I heard about it I'm not gonna lie to you I grew up on Ozzy bro if it wasn't for Ozzy I'd be fucking dead I believed it was a reality I believe sabotage

I was telling Duncan and Burke that I would go home at night you know just to move on to the next level of my life after I was a kid and my mother died I would go home and do a hit ass and listen to to what do you call that shit black Sabbath sabotage

I would really listen to it and see what he was saying so when he got the reality show absolutely I turned it in I turned it on turned it in and I should have turned those mother fuckers in I turned it on and watched yeah part of me broke my heart that was my childhood idol and I see him now with black fucking nails

and eye makeup on and they say he's got a ghost fucking singer whatever that doesn't bother me I loved him when he was John Osborn Ozzy is what the American public bought into you follow me I knew him when he was John Osborn from England and not that I knew him

but I would listen to this I've only heard Ozzy his real fucking name John Ozzy Osborn or whatever the fuck so that's when I was into him it's like anybody else man an athlete

comes into the league he's fucking great and all of a sudden he gets 15 million dollars a year he's not gonna dive on the floor no more he's not gonna be Larry Bird that's why so many people admire Larry Bird because in the point of his fucking career he would chase a ball and scrape his elbow and go into the stands

there's some people that you see major league he would say what is the third baseman say I'm not going to I'm not gonna pick up the ball because I might ricochet off his face people don't you know they worry about that you have to live your life without a fucking safety net once you have that safety net

and that's what happens you're not the same person anymore I love doing this shit I really do believe because the reason why I do these podcasts and I talk the shit I do is because there's a lot of young kids right now that are walking around the same way they're 21 or 22 or 28

or 30 confused and you know I'm 49 not Lee and I swear to God with the knowledge I have I wish I had 10 more years I wish I could add 10 years to my life but you know what the sad scenario is I can't yeah and for years when I was a young guy and I was out there

doing what I was doing older people come to me and talk to me and give me advice and I always go fuck yourself you don't know what you're talking about and now they did know what they were talking about and the only thing I could wish is people take from me what they can and we're going to finish this joint

we're going to get the fuck out of here for the day that's it how long have we been on for just under an hour just under an hour it feels like two fucking years I know right and we have 1500 people listening Sunday for church for a Sunday morning

and they're getting ready for church and at least you got to spend an hour with Uncle Joey smoke a bone we ate some medibles we talked to the cats we talked about a couple interesting subjects I farted who farts on a fucking podcast and you hear it with that intensity because a lot of people thought it was real quick

you know what I'm saying but it's beautiful to start the week off with you and you know that's another reason people always say to me Joey you don't work Sunday nights I got a couple reasons I don't work Sunday nights I fucking hate working Sunday on the seventh day God rested and made fucking Black Sabbath and number two because I want to do a podcast on Mondays

I like being home on Mondays I like being focused on Mondays because it sets me up for the rest of the fucking week we're going to have my friends calling them we're going to have little lubes calling we're going to have my friend Will's calling them we're going to have the North Bergen Minute we get to tell stories

when I robbed the gas station with the water pistol shit like that I'm going to have my boy Joey Felato calling so we got a lot of shit going on tomorrow we got another one and I appreciate you guys turning this on on Sunday I didn't get up at five for fucking my health here I mean no one's cutting a check it's just smoked up with you guys

I know half years at the house going fucking I'm going to roll up a bone with my uncle Joey and we're going to smoke through Osmosis that's what we do here look at the fucking cat she hasn't moved in an hour no she's a part of it what are you doing now I know a lot of people out there are excited for it

I don't know if you watch do you watch Breaking Bad no you don't why would you watch Breaking Bad when you live Breaking Bad that was my question are any of these shows or movies or anything like that are they anything like reality or is it just it's just all fiction and it's just nothing like that at all

they use they use consultants and shit alright I was watching what's the show I watch on Friday nights or whatever I have a few friends on Sunday and I watch the fucking show so you're going to tell your wife about killing people

your old lady knows about killing people I don't like when they all sit together and they vote because if I go let's fuck Lee up the ass I got to vote with people those eight people could take you to fucking jail I don't like talking with more than two fucking people in the room so there's little things like that

that you really have to think about and say what the fuck you know I was watching an episode of Soprano's in the hotel when I was in Sacramento and it was the one when they were going to shoot somebody so Tony Soprano told the guy with the hair and Sharipa to take care of this guy

and then that guy went and told Paulie and then Paulie hired a guy and he went down and told somebody else so there was seven fucking people involved in this hit that means there's seven people who get pulled over and have an ounce of blown in and have a story for the cops

is that realistic? No if I was going to kill somebody and I was a gangster I go to my under boss or whatever and go listen this guy's got to go there's two years two years is better than fucking seven so I never understood that concept when I watch a TV show I'm like bullshit, it's got to be bullshit

nobody would have a fucking we're going to move guns, here's seven of us no, the hierarchy is going to talk about and the underlings are going to stay outside it's a shit for them not to know the more people that know you're crying the more people that can testify against you if 80 years is like yeah we killed fucking Joey Diaz

80 years at one time you're fucking living on eggshells you don't know when that fucking mark is going to come in that's what number that's rule number number four of the church of what's happening now calm as a motherfucker if you do it, expect a receipt

because life will always give you a fucking receipt so when I watch those type of shows and how they do it breaking bad I've never really watched I've never gotten into it it's amazing, no I know, I just got to get into it from the beginning I'm like most people, once the show ends I'll get the fucking DVD

your friend will give me the box set and I'll watch them without commercials and I'll really get into it and you know I always loved sports I grew up on sports, Jesus Christ I went to five star basketball camp

I was going to go to St. Anthony's in Jersey City when the Hurleys were there the little Hurleys kids were kids and I knew the old man I loved playing basketball I loved watching college basketball I loved watching pro football and I would watch baseball

but at sixteen my mother died and I had to make a living so I learned how to watch what's fucking important everybody wants to watch a fucking game but this is what needs to be done so I watch sports today I really don't know what's going on because now I understand you can live without sports

when I see these guys walking around with their fucking jerseys on Sundays I'm like really guy but that's what they're into I'm into weed, that's what they're into so I can't be mad at them for being me, I'm into the team that covers the fucking spread if I'm going to watch a game I'm a Cuban Jew

I got a hat that says minus seven on it I don't give a fuck about Broncos or fucking Charges or Lakers and other that shit although I do like to watch the Lakers so it's really weird I like sports but you realize that you have so many different things going on

you just can't pay attention to everything you want to read a book and try to get knowledge coming in you try to write now you got to keep up with movies you got to keep up with all these fucking things about movies and we've always gotten the Rogan bandwagon, whenever I get on the Rogan thing

we start talking about 70's movies and you know what they're great but they're a little slow for most people we're from a fucking, we want it situation, we're from the church or the new church or what's happening now we want it now so it's kind of fucking tough

to wait for that stuff when you watch a movie from the 70's your patience level has to be unbelievable because you're so used to explosives and shit happening, conversations are quicker so the movie for this week I'm going to give you guys that's a fucking classic, what can I give them

a nice 70's it becomes a great fucking movie that I realized last week guys I'm going to give you a movie that Marshall Arch John, see and here's the problem with it that a lot of people they released all those Bruce Lee movies

with different titles released as the Chinese connection is now Fista Fury the Fista Fury was the first one Chinese connection is when his teacher gets killed and he avenges his teacher and he fucking fucks up the Japanese school and he hangs them, let me tell you something

if you have time this weekend please watch the second Bruce Lee movie which is the Chinese connection when they kill his teacher, when they poison the teacher that is when, I got it on DVR I got it on DVR, whenever I'm a little depressed I watch it, watch that movie with the passion on Bruce Lee's face

that was his second movie, he was still tight with Steve McQueen, he was calling for acting watch that fucking movie guys Chinese connection with Bruce Lee that's all, that's it for today I don't know what else to fucking tell you what do you think Leigh, do we forget anything? No man, since I'm kind of busy I'm going to do it today

I'm going to build the Facebook page for the show and we want all of you guys to go there and comment on the movie talk about the movie, talk about the music we want this to be a community of people talk about the motherfucking movement to church of what's happening now, we're getting ours back today I gave you rule number one

which is mind your fucking business rule number four calm as a motherfucker don't do it unless you want a fucking receipt and that's what we're trying to do we're trying to put your motherfuckers together so when you get out of the house, listen I can do this podcast at 10 o'clock at night I can do this at 3 in the morning with Leigh, I do it now

because what I'm trying to do is get you ready for the motherfucking day, it's a beautiful day to be alive go out there, go out there fucking do what you need to do, get your dick sucked go out there and exercise go out there and get some sunlight, eat good enjoy your family today because this is only one life fuck all that nonsense

stay black, what else we got this week? nothing man, we're going to be back tomorrow labor day, send us some emails a church of what's happening now pod at gmail.com send us questions, anything you want to ask Joey and we want to read it on air man, I mean you're part of this with us

and just send it and we'll make the show as long as we can, if we have stuff to talk about we'll go 2 or 3 hours Leigh is Jewish so for all you Jews you gotta fucking compadre on board I'm a Cuban Jew the whole fucking thing, we're bringing the yarmulke back one last fart

that was 3 farts in the podcast who gives you that type of entertainment what time are we coming on tomorrow Leigh? one at the same time, 6 o'clock? 6 am, let's do 6 am tomorrow see you motherfuckers at 6 am tomorrow don't forget, take it with you thanks for watching and stay black

motherfuckers, bye guys