Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/04/2013 - THe Church Of What's Happening Now #109

Episode Date: September 5, 2013

Joey's childhood friend Steve calls in again. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/04/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollashaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church that's dollashaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner. It's that fucking time. Wednesday, September 4th, 2013 some fucking 64 year old lady swam for fifty fucking three hours. I can't even swim for five fucking minutes and neither can have for

you motherfuckers. What does that tell you about society? Get up bitch. Get a protein shake. Eat an apple. Watch that ass. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive baby. Oh shit. Kick that shit Lee. Kick that shit. It's fucking Wednesday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Listen to this motherfucker. Another guy that fucking got that fucking plane or something. Landy road. Listen to this shit. Oh fuck. And you guys want to talk about the new fucking hazy, the new Sabbath. Listen to this shit and then get back to me all right. Listen to the voices. Even this is his voice was real redone. By now they had a fucking put

a whole new voice in there and you guys are jumping up and down and shit like that. I love that. It's a beautiful day. Get up cock suck and grab those nuts. What's up Lisa? Yeah you bad motherfucker you. Nothing. I feel great. We're the happiest dudes to be up at six a.m. Bro listen if you ain't fucking happy when you wake up go fuck yourself. That's that's the problem. Everybody gets up in a bad mood. I'm only getting a bad mood once in a while in the mornings when I go to like kick coffee out. Mm-hmm. Especially like a Starbucks. You're gonna start missing like a coffee. Like I don't go to Starbucks at all but if I wake up in a strange time I try to go to Starbucks. Why they gotta ask you 18 fucking questions. Let me get a venti call. First of all you gotta it's no French.

I gotta walk in there and think about fucking French words at six in the morning. Venti latte whatever. Listen just give me a fucking black coffee. Yeah that's it. Black is beautiful. And you didn't get the memo. What size would you like? Would you like some room in there for cream? Do you want some? Shut the fuck up. Just give me the fucking coffee. Here's the two dollars, three dollars. I'll put a dollar in the fucking tip jar and that's it. That's why I don't go out for coffee. That's why I don't drink coffee. Mainly I mean I'm sure I could get myself to like it but it's so subjective. Like you ever hear people like oh this coffee sucks so this is great. I don't want it like why not just I... I want to smack him in the fucking mouth too. You know what I'm saying?

You want to smack him in the mouth when they sit there and talk. Well this coffee is robust and it's got so much dark flavor. What the fuck do you know? You suck some guy's dick last night. Now you want to tell me about flavors. What the fuck do you know? Fucking flavors. What flavor do you have in your mouth? Vodka and sperm from last night and you're going to talk to me about some fucking coffee robust. Just give me the fucking coffee right? I didn't even drink coffee till I was dirty something. Oh really? Nah I thought that that was a lazy thing. You know in my mind I get up, in my world I'm in the fucking shower washing my pussy. You know as I'm in the shower I'm thinking that's waking me up. I come out, I smoke a half a fucking number and about 2000

was the first time I really drank coffee. Growing up I'd do a shot of Cuban coffee but that ass water... You do a shot of Cuban coffee? Oh fuck yeah I had a... I grew up in a Cuban house and they played games after dinner. They got Cuban coffee for the digestion. Fuck. They didn't keep you awake? Ah when you're fucking 10 you're awake all day on your own. What do you give a fuck? No I didn't... You know that's even today. Well let me tell you what happened last night. Last night yesterday my schedule was fucked up so I couldn't go to jiu-jitsu in the daytime and I'm lucky because the guy got... the guy couldn't make it. He heard his back was a weird story. He called me afterwards to apologize and I go no I couldn't make it. I had to go to acupuncture

I was caught at a meeting so I got caught in the middle there and so I went last night and that's always a fucking mistake. I went up to 10th planet Van Nuys with Alder, Coach Alder up there. That is a fucking great school. If you're thinking of getting into jiu-jitsu when I've been up there it's like the fourth to fifth time I've gone up there. I trained in the back with Salami. He's got a little room in the... Eddie's black belt John Salami. Fucking great guy. He's back there so I've been working out with him. Once a week I go up there just to get a different flavor. You know they tell you when you're doing jiu-jitsu get different flavors. So we did a geek thing in the back but I was watching the fundamental class when I got there

from 7 to 8 or 7 to 8 30. He's doing a great thing man and then 8 30 come to killers till 10 o'clock you know. So I went in the back there and I knew as I was doing it. I looked at the clock it was 9 o'clock I'm like what the fuck am I doing and right there I go you know I don't like working out and I'm telling him as I'm on the mat sweating drenched I look at him and I go you know I don't like working out at night because I'll be up but I don't really have anything in the morning I go oh yes I do. So I went home and I knew I didn't get home till 10 to 11 10 30 when I called you I called you late. Yeah. You know so I stayed up like fucking two and then I tried to sleep but Gray sleeps in the room with me. Yeah. You know she's never left the room ever since she

came back she said fuck I don't want to know myself again. So fucking every time I like my hand drops when I'm sleeping she bites it. She wants to play. She wants to play and attack my hand and then I go I put it up last night and she slipped at it and then she ran off the bed she thought I like in my sleep she thought I was fucking with it she didn't know that I didn't even know what was going on. So who the fuck knows that's what happens you you stay up when you get all worked up. Yeah. I don't react to like Red Bull you. Oh yeah. Do you. I haven't I haven't had him for a while but I used to live on him in college because I never did a paper in my life before the night it was due so just I would do I pulled all nighters every week. Oh my god I don't know how you motherfuckers do

that shit because we're lazy that like I didn't do that. No you know what's crazy when I got left back in the seventh grade I swore I was going to change everything about school like what I had the for me to go to school but to take classes I told you that I went up to the Valley College and tried to register. No no no we I was fucking done like by the time I got up there in July they were like done all those classes done you got to register like a fucking three months before up there history class or something. So I talked to one of the counselors and he's like listen I don't know if you want a fucking company and I go you don't understand if I buy a history book and I read it I'm not going to comprehend it. I want to ask questions you know I want to talk I want

to ask questions so I guess I'm going to go in January I just fucking had my wife take a look and pay it now so we're done. That's great. Tuesday nights at seven forty five to like ten or something listen man I'm sick and tired of being a fucking idiot that's it you just get sick and tired of not knowing shit and being embarrassed and I'm talking about political powers in Syria and you're sitting there with a thumb up your ass you know but I am excited I tell you man I cry and every time I see that lady fucking run across the swimming thing 64 years old oh I live in a way you go last year we had my uncle Mike Castle. Mike Castle I've known Mike Castle since you know 95 when I was fucking still a half a criminal 93 when I got out of the halfway house yeah and you know

he I did his daughter's first movie and you know we moved out here together and he was my best man two years ago and all this shit three years ago and it's amazing that you know when he came to me last year 63 and he's like dog I'm moving to New York we're gonna start the band up you know there's still rehearsed three days a week Mike Castle and his band really wow and he's trying to take his fucking real estate test he's 65 years old guys and he's taking his real estate exam this is a guy that from 30 to 45 doesn't remember a thing from heroin doesn't remember a fucking thing from doing heroin guys Jesus my uncle Mike the Jew Mike Kessler yeah doesn't remember a fucking thing about doing heroin doesn't remember 15 years he's 65 he's taking his fucking real estate exam so he

could sell houses in New York State so guys tell me again why you can't fucking get up today and do something in the right direction tell me fucking today tell me 64 year old 60 fucking 4 year old lady they said she went up to that Pasadena pool you ever go up there you ever see the no I've been up there I looked I fucking ran out of there because my friend swims up there that's where you go to swim if you want to swim the Pasadena Rose Bowl Aquatic Center okay that's where the real fucking swimmers go you drive up there and you fucking swim are you fucking kidding I went up there with my friend this kid because they had like a kid program I was gonna take uh mercy yeah I was intimidated just walking in that motherfucker this is a real pool you could smell the chlorine

that's not one of those Puerto Rican pools people jumping up and down and somebody's cooking a barbecue you go to this pool to fucking swim yeah like you don't go to this pool to take a ball out and you know put on Led Zeppelin music and play fucking with the ball you you know I've been up there and she would sit in the fucking pool for 12 hours a day and swim for 12 hours a day 50 fucking three hours and yet I read a bunch of shit online a bunch of negative people who said you know fucker that they milked her across the way you sit in that fucking oh just being in that water listen I was gonna have this guy call into it yeah and I couldn't find this card I told you me and Rogan went to Vegas the D limo driver was a Cuban guy he was out there for three weeks in a raft really

and he goes as as you're out there in a raft there's one point that you start seeing a raft with no bodies in them but the sharks got them or you know the raft is cut in half you start seeing this and you start thinking about your fate she said at one time she was just seeing like the Taj Mahal oh really you fucking imagine can you fucking and we get pissed off if we I don't get any sleep but night this bitch was in the water for 50 fucking three hours getting stung by jellyfish jellyfish you see when she walked out of her legs were traveling yeah like fucking somebody made a come real good that's what happens when you stick in that kool-ow and shit and you play with that monkey they start shaking in bed like a fucking it's fucking Wednesday Lee what are you gonna talk about

you know what I'm saying but I did read last night late I didn't read into it I don't even read into that shit because I don't want to go into my mind late night but the other guy killed himself yeah that was fun the crazy one who had the chicks downstairs you know yeah crazy motherfucker I mean you know when I first read it or I first saw it on tv you know to have a chicken in your basin that you could fuck whenever you want it sounds like fun on paper you know it sounds like you go throw a fucking steak and go down and give him some dick and go back upstairs and lock a man and shit you know but you have to find somebody who's in conjunction with you yeah you have to find like a runaway that's like listen I don't want to be a part of life no more keep me downstairs

fuck me in the ass and feed me pork chops you just throw a pork chop down there she's got like a cat she don't come out and see daylight she goes to get suntan with chain on her ankles that's gotta be sexy put a chain like a dog with chain on some bitch's ankle and she's out there taking a suntan with like a chain connected to the fucking house there's gotta be some freaks that do that shit what are you gonna do I'm glad what are you doing what are you gonna fucking do Lisa yeah how was your day what's going on in your worldly fucking a lot man I'm just trying to get through this job until until the end of November so I can just start doing this you like this gig yeah I don't like I don't like when people pretend what they're doing is the most important thing

so it's just like everyone has that boss who comes in and it's like they treat their their shitty job like it's the most important and they need it right away and like I had so the show I'm on they're not very happy with the way the first edit's going so they're bringing editors on on the weekend and they come to me and the night eight the night this is an editor be like we need you to work Saturday and Sunday and luckily she wanted to work so she said she'd take it but they're not paying her overtime and I said right in front of my bosses and you're nicer than I am I don't work Saturday and Sunday without overtime people try to do that they'd like oh well we'll give you Monday off and you had yesterday off so we'll just

we can work Saturday and that won't be overtime I hate people I don't like I don't think that's a good way to run a business and I don't I don't like companies that try to do that so it's just that's that's essentially why I'm trying to get out like can you imagine that working on a Saturday after a full week and me like yeah we're not we won't pay you overtime but we'll give you a day off in a couple weeks like I'm gonna tell you something man when I was out there fucking banging it I guess I worked every day like I didn't care after a while it doesn't really you know I I'm the type of person that if if I take a job on a weekend and you're going to the beach I'm kind of happy that I took the fucking job because you took the pressure me going to a wedding

you know I'm saying like that's why I really got into comedy yeah 60% of my comedy career choice was the weekend shit that now I have something to do on the weekend I'm one of those guys that's always fucking bored yeah you know I'm always bored rather than New York I was bored we used to call New Jersey where we were from the desert because there was nothing there it's the most visited spot in the fucking world New York City everybody wants to go there to us we were so spoiled by it yeah because it was right there big fucking deal you know once you learn the five boroughs and you learn uh you know what to get the best pizza in the Bronx and the best pizza in Long Island and a hot dog it wears off for so familiar war over like 19 like how cool can

you fucking be so what yeah you know so war off but it was like a think about it like that's how fucked up like I'm bored to pieces in California I don't know how people live out here I don't even know how people to come out here and visit at night you ever drive around these streets at night they ain't a soul in the fucking streets no you know you go on Lancashire there's a couple play you go on Ventura the bars are fucking empty I don't know what party people they're fucking talking about on TMZ all those idiots on Sunset that stand on line and all that but besides that I mean and then you're out till two you know sometimes I don't know when I was young I was done with going out like I knew it early on that it was not for me the whole going on and being buddy

buddy and drinking at a bar and trying to make it be like she is I don't know I didn't fucking like it so I liked something that took up that time what pisses me off like right now today I work seven days a week I don't give a fuck yeah I don't like traveling on Mondays that's my big thing that's my big thing I don't like traveling Monday mornings you know I live in Los Angeles I like that Monday here I don't like working Sundays you know I never saw a good Sunday show Joe Rogan has good Sunday shows but then we get back Monday at two three in the afternoon so I ruin the whole day Monday I like waking up my own bed yeah you know I'm saying that's what I'm in particular about now when I work on movies there's a lot of these hundred dollar a day movies you know sag the screen

actors guilt when I got here and I've said this before I worked tons of fucking movies at scale and all of a sudden five years ago this other things started coming what people call me for all day movies and they want you to work weekends that's what they ain't yeah you know you got to work weekends because we got to shoot this in three weeks yeah she got to work weekends now in my world in my world Saturdays is a good fucking working day you could put an 11 12 hour day shooting or whatever the fuck you're doing but Sunday you want to work let's do this if we usually do three walls we paint three walls a day Sunday let's paint one more and get the fuck out of here let's go get a steak I need a good lunch and I'll send you home to be with your family that's what my

Sunday work schedule is yeah so it's funny Paul T. Murray hit me up on an email last night I saw him hit my Facebook page and that was a movie I did called Boilermaker that I had a problem on the set because they had no food and stuff like that but that was what pissed me off that Sunday was when I snapped yeah and I've worked weekends before I don't mind that I just don't I don't like not being competent like is everyone out listening has the same like we're working to make other people rich so don't don't try to jump us out of 50 bucks extra a day for working over time like even like when I used to work at the movie theater a manager a part of a manager's job was to make sure you didn't go a minute over that 40 hour week that you didn't go a minute

even if you were scheduled even if you wanted to take the shift I just I don't I don't like that way of doing business I don't know it just pisses me off like it's like if they asked you to do a Sunday show and they say after you were already scheduled that you weren't paid for and you and you've told comedians have told stories about this how like they're like well we can't pay you but you'll get a show next week or something and it's like I like when you're first starting out you have to really do anything I mean you tolerate a lot of shit when you first start out yeah I mean it's like anything else no one day just fucking hit you that you know enough is enough and that and that's really when you start getting good like good jobs like I didn't get it I took me

like a year and a half after I got my first job to get another job and when I first started saying notice it is when you start getting a lot of jobs like you can't just take anything that comes comes towards you and it's a it's a harder thing to learn and it took me about two years to be like I can't say yes to every job listen bro when I first started coming I was poor no matter what so I just wanted to get better and I knew by getting better was going yeah going is the key getting on stage getting on stage getting on stage getting on stage writing in the beginning the first I say the first fucking seven years you should not have a life if you do you're doing something wrong you should have a girlfriend and you should have a day job

for the most part until you know go up from the fucking reservation and you can still cover your bills but see we all do that we all get into comedy and after three months we're like we're artists we don't want to work and it becomes a struggle but it becomes a struggle because we want to become a struggle you can borrow money and sell weed or whatever but you don't want to you're fucking want to be a comedian that's your thing yeah and for some people they can handle a day job and in the back of their mind going this sucks ass but I know that in a year I'll be on stages I'll be getting 300 a week but now the money has gone down really to be an emcee yeah if I was going to start to be an emcee in today's fucking world I have to have a job till

you're a feature act you know when I first started doing comedy feature acts got a hundred a show okay no playing ticket a hundred a show so let's say you did seven shows you could drive that 700 fucking bucks if you could drive at 200 for gas you walked out there with 500 bucks you did three of those a month that's 1500 a month you're living at home you're keeping your rent low you know whatever that's how you start comedy you have a girlfriend you live in a house together whatever now they want to pay you $50 a set and no travel no nothing they don't even want to give you a fucking hotel room to features because they have so many of them in their area why are we gonna bring somebody out let's save the $400 yeah I was only I was saying about that how do people

in LA and I don't you did it for a little bit New York but mostly I don't know how do people before they start touring survive on the $15 shows at night you got to tell a market you know when I got here the hot thing was cigars really cigars were huge everybody was smoking cigars Demi Moore was on the cover of some magazine smoking a fucking big black cigar so everybody every place you went had cigars okay and there was a store run there was a place I still see the guy 15 years later he runs a cigarette shop now for a big company okay by Sunset and La Brea okay in that little shopping center where the chick there's a Chinese mall and a karate school and there's a bunch of stubs of Wendy's you know you don't you don't go to Hollywood as much I do know right on

Sunset La Brea as you're going west you cross over there's a mall there in that mall in the back there's a cigar show cigarette store cigars he runs it okay 15 years ago when I got to LA I was living first we were living the trailer then we lived in Hollywood since we would break up and shit I need to have a fucking job because I didn't have and I did a little hustles but so I got a job selling cigars it was from seven in the morning to 12th at lunchtime shit and it was you know $10 an hour but you made 200 a day commission oh wow so you would just call bodegas and stores and go hey listen I want to sell you a cigar case for 300 bucks five different cigars 20 dollars a piece and we also send you a whatever

the fuck you call a humidor there wasn't no fucking humidor there was some box with some fucking kid made in the third grade project and we charge you 300 bucks and I think I got like 80 bucks of that I would sell three of those a fucking day without even batting an eye and then you do commercials I would go for auditions on commercials when I booked that first Taco Bell that kept me in blow in cheeseburgers and hotel rooms for seven months Jesus yeah like our buddy Jordan's been acting a lot he like he just quit his job yeah and like but I like don't like you don't always get that talk about money isn't it sometimes it's like 200 bucks or dog depends on what you book sometimes you might book a non-unit they pay 800 dollars flat and they should Eric do your fucking

die well and you don't see a fucking who gods somebody sees that money that's a rip off somebody sees that exactly you don't get a fucking dime of that when I first got here I shot 99 million things that they would pay you a great fucking door and me but then you see it on tv you're like wow you still see it right yeah you're like what the fuck that was 100 pounds ago you know what's I ain't like what the fuck so I busted that first Taco Bell with the dog in it and it was one from Miami oh yeah so when I first came I walked into the improv and I got signed by sudden Barton Minari in 1987 it was the biggest commercial agency okay I had never even fucking auditioned before I did that movie from my Kessler I had done a improv class in high school my soft freshman

year yeah that's it I'd never I don't know acting cut drama I watch movies I watch movies like a motherfucker so I get the town and I work for a sudden Barton Minari the first commercial they get me out for his church's chicken on sunset right across from where the Mexican places now well those Mexican places that owned by McDonald's with the bowl Chipotle is right across the street that used to be an audition place something else now so I saw I started going out with them like in March okay March March March March nothing happened April I would go out like for two auditions a day nothing happened and then one day I went into South Bundy guy's name was Kinka and he was running a Taco Bell commercial they were booking three commercials they went there was a fat kid

dancing yeah uh something else and a Miami thing you were gonna go to Miami and shoot the commercial for three days five days wow so I went in there as a Cuban cab driver got behind the cab driver made them laugh whatever they called me back a week later it was 4th of July a week and they called me back I was going to El Paso Texas for $400 for the week and I had to take a bus $37 each what 13 14 fucking hours but before I got on that bus I went for the callback and they had me in there for a long time yeah as the cab driver so they were shooting three commercials so what they do is they shoot three commercials in a five day block so they start on Monday so they'll shoot one commercial Monday and Tuesday the next one Tuesday third Wednesday and Thursday and the next

one Friday you get three of those days you follow me so they'll make you come in one day for wardrobe and you sit around you read the paper they cut you loose before you hit overtime the next day you work the next day you work this is a true story boom before I got on that fucking bus then I got a call from some bartender congratulations you booked a Taco Bell commercial okay I go to fucking El Paso knowing I got the commercial I come back I shoot 4th to July weekend I shoot July 3rd it was July 3rd on a Monday or something I get down on that dog my first fucking commercial Kinka Archer called pulls me to San Diego they wrote the commercial out come down and sit here for two or three days so that means they

weren't gonna do your commercial no my commercial got cut from the schedule my scene got cut okay but we're sorry but do this sit down for three days come down here get paid it's 1800 bucks three days of 600 come on down eat our food and hang out you got nothing else to do you never know what's gonna happen yeah so Monday I went down I was very disappointed here I booked a national fucking Taco Bell commercial and I'm not getting no fucking love I already told a thousand people this is why you don't say shit now I'm like what happened to the commercial so I get there the first day it's a long day it's like six to seven at night 13 14 hours I made a thousand dollars maybe you know wow wow for doing nothing for doing nothing I get in my fucking car I come back to

Hollywood the next day I go down there and during lunch we're all sitting together at a table and Kinka and his Taco Bell people sitting over there and something happened and I went off I just went on the lunch he came over to me goes come here because listen you were killing me at lunch I heard what you were saying you were killing me you were killing the Taco Bell people we're gonna find something for you wow all right so there was a scene where a guy is sitting there and I'm shining his shoes or he's shining my shoes okay so the other scenes were Cuban guys playing dominoes so they had the examinal they had the little Taco Bell dog running through yeah and then me sitting there while they're getting their shoes

showing you don't even see me dog okay then he goes sit down boom the guy that was shining my shoes I forget what his name is he's a comic he's a Spanish comedian that's a tennis coach in the daytime okay he was a union extra at the time at those times they used to use union extras all the time 356 a day well after 40 hours they pay now like now you got to sit in the barn and they whip you and they throw hot water at you they pay you 40 hours for fucking 80 hours no now this was when they were union fucking whatever mm-hmm so the guy shakes my hand he was broke great job but who knows but what I was there I made friends with a guy like you he was a sweetheart his name is buzz bay Mundo he was an old-time comic sweetheart his wife was an agent and this guy

was gonna help me we became friends and I recall him and he would call me back and he's the star of the commercial okay okay he's the star of the commercials and I would talk you know how I am with people once I love you we're in boom we're talking every day we're meeting for lunch with smoking dope August comes we shot this the 4th of July weekend August comes I got a check twinkie toes I got a check for like six thousand fucking dollars whoo my head almost explodes because they picked up the commercial they paid me for the 14 week cycle he calls me the next morning right and he goes hey man did you hear and I go no what he goes didn't you get a check I go yeah and he goes I got my check too they cut me from the commercial so here I got put to the commercial

and they cut him from the commercial oh no so I had a tone I'm like no they cut me too and that fucking week it was like September they started playing that fucking commercial and they were playing and then it got popular and they kept playing it during the world series and I'm making buckets of money by fucking mid-September I'm getting checked up by mid-October I'm getting these fucking checks in the mail that are ginormous it's like every time I go to mail months it's four thousand my coke prom is out of control you know I'm that time I lived in hotels in Hollywood really yeah I lived anywhere on Sunset all those hotels yeah I lived in each of them for a week I was going because I was always going on the road what am I going to apartment for yeah

so I would just get a hotel not though not the nice ones either yeah of course the the one with the hotel room on the side everything from fucking La Brea down to western I stayed at all those hotels my favorite being Schrader whereas now a hostel Schrader was a a hotel that was a fucking dive and their partner hotel was on Hollywood Boulevard across from what's a pizza place now so you could either stay there or the other place and once you got to know him you couldn't stay at each place for longer than 10 days you had to go to the other one for 10 days then come back so I would stay for 10 days I love Schrader Schrader there was action what means action is an ugly guy like me to get his dick sucked in his balls like

because I would get back at night in the county store and all the young girls would be getting back a lot of people would stay like three girls will come from New Jersey and they would go online or call and it's a cheap hotel so they would take it then when they get to they go like in the brochure it said swimming pool when you got there was like a little tub with leaves in it and fucking beer bottles and shit I mean it was just a disaster this hotel the phone booth was in the in the fucking hallway like those movies that's why I found out I got the movie baseball really at that hotel they're like who's a Joe Diaz I'm sitting there watching TV Joe Diaz Joe who the fuck I go out there what's up there's a call here looking for you and that's why I found out I booked

basically a boy lived in that fucking hotel holy shit and then they had a job opening nights three nights a week and two days and I thought about getting that fucking job fuck what is it like living in a hotel because you're not you're not technically homeless but you are like you still have to pretty much have everything you own in a bag like that must have been crazy from fucking eighty four on I pretty much lived in a hotel like in all those stories I tell about New Jersey in eighty five I live in a hotel in eighty five that whole time I was sick and tired of blooming on people's couches sometimes don't get me wrong I would still crash for a week here or a week there but I love all those hotels by Fortley I used to rob them all too

right before the judge bought some bridge there I stated all those creepy fucking hotels I was just a hotel guy man you know sometimes uh that's just the way life throws your fucking deck of cards is that like part of the reason why you're so happy every morning because I mean your place is great but it's not like people must think when they swim when they see you doing comedy so they must think you have like a mansion in in within hills but like like is like because for how many years did you like live in a hotel and you had a roof over your head but you didn't you couldn't put pictures up like you never really felt at home listen having a roof over your head and having a home and do the two different stories yeah having shelter and having a home I don't have a home

I have a shelter I live there it's not my home that's what the confusion that's going on right now we're trying to look for a home yeah you know like a buddy of mine uh one of the guys he listens to the podcast great guy just got a house yesterday in North Hills well I seen him yesterday he was telling me I got this ounce of the fixer upper do I look like a type of guy that's a fixer upper type of fucking guy I could mop I could cut lawns you know I'm saying I could paint yeah I don't have the fucking time to redo the the sod or redo the fucking driveway or you know yeah I don't know you know I know it's 10% for a down payment I don't fucking know I just meant like is it crazy like just going from like hotels to having like a place of your own like is that like that must be

that must be a crazy feeling listen from 1980 yeah to 1989 I lived like a nomad that's a crazy people's houses then I got the condo and boulder and I was okay till 95 I was on my own then when I got into county full time like that I went broke and you got to sleep on couches and I still had a little no because in bold I paid 400 for a little rocky apartment ahead with the stand-up shower yeah you know but basically in those days I just lived in dumps I lived in I wanted shelter I wanted the rocky apartment we all want the rocky apartment that's the the real man's apartment you just have one big wound a fish tank a refrigerator hot plate

that's the that's the desire you know for guys like me yeah and uh oh oh shit oh shit oh shit it's right is it real the door opening but he'll show up right isn't my little brother Steven will always happen baby how you doing brother how you doing you know trying to put the pieces together it's a beautiful Wednesday morning where you are you're at work you're home I'm actually working from the house today which is is beautiful the beautiful day I can sit with my laptop down on the deck it's a beautiful day you can listen to music absolutely absolutely as a matter of fact I've been doing a lot of listening to to pink Floyd these days you know man uh we had this discussion last week when I listened to the wall I went really

high to the fucking ymca and and I put the wall I put on the animals and it killed me and that night when I got in the car I said that's it I'm gonna talk about how I could finally put animals up against the white album that's it it's that fucking good you know and uh I saw that you have in a show this weekend correct the benefit is it this week in the next weekend and this Saturday it's a Saturday Oprah of Mexicali live in Teaneck okay so I saw that yesterday and I thought about you all day and I was I was writing something and I thought about you and uh I worked out last night I went to Jiu Jitsu and I sat down last night I had to make notes and I had to do a few emails so I put the wall on and a villa it took me right back to your shed it took me it took me

about eight minutes to start crying took me about eight minutes to actually put the I couldn't close the laptop but I had to stop what I was doing and take like three fucking bomb hits and just sit there and wall for a couple minutes were you there were you there with me tonight uh we the wall you know took us to a lot of strange places but one of the things that it did was you know that's when I started you know thinking I was an artist and painting the murals on the wall were you there or not it was paint I was doing the I was doing the freehand I was doing the freehand right painting on the wall for the the words and uh Shikinik was there Del Vecchio with the with the with the with the black the black hash do you remember that no I wasn't there I wasn't there when you were

painting them I showed up a week later and also all these fucking portraiture of volume four and yeah and the wall the wall steve villa the wall that you painted of the wall was fucking beautiful you know it was it was it was I was I was driven I was driven by that now that album just took me just just took me to so many different places you know and even for a while I couldn't even listen to it anymore no that's what I you know uh the wall came out when I was really really hanging out with your full time me you didi and kanthi and you know and I remember the rotation was the wall cars kandio which is a fucking great album yes it is and uh but one of the things I hated about the wall one of the things I did not like about the wall that I didn't find out till last night

was the mother references because my mom had just died so here I am in a room full of guys and every time that everybody knew my mom died every time that mother would you slay on me stopped the bomb all that shit there's like two parts of that album that take you right to your mother the beginning in the flesh when the baby's crying mama loves your baby all that shit tears me to fuck up and then the second half you know that's it was fresh my mom died november 8th the wall came out november 29th or something like that something crazy december 4th something crazy yeah and at the end of it too with the trial you know come give the baby let me hold you in my arm to get in any trouble no no fucking just uh I listened to the whole you know I couldn't

fall asleep last night it was a mistake me going to do jiu-jitsu with fucking 8 30 at night you know I got home at 10 to 11 and I'm as I'm drinking fucking coffee I'm like it's 10 to fucking 11 why the hell am I drinking coffee but I rolled a big old fucking joint of illa one of those 1982 fucking joints from the shed that'll kill 20 fucking Puerto Ricans and I smoked I smoked the whole thing down to the finger I smoked that fucking roach to the finger last night I loved doing that shit listen to music love it love it my favorite second favorite thing to do you know how you haven't smoked anymore right you're done you're cleaning no no that that I'm way done with that how many years of music is my second favorite thing to do my first favorite

thing to do is playing it no shit yeah you're still fucking playing it though so this thing you're doing it's for bob shepherd yeah bobby shepherd um bobby shepherd was um there was a band back god this is this predates us I mean we were kids when they were playing they were doing all like the high school dances and I think I saw them at like 82nd street park and I must have been like 11 or 12 and I only met him once I met him um Dennis the carload yeah do you remember johnny regal's band tokyo rose nine remember johnny regal first street yeah they used to rehearse on 51st street and they came down there the one time and you know typical bands then they did like Beatles and stone nothing too difficult these guys came down they sat in one night and played roundabout

and my jaw hit the floor you know so watching and seeing these kids play this intricate music and they they were you know like 16 17 years old george havin monument bell you know playing this great music so they were just a step above everybody else back then and three of them are classically trained musicians that are left over from this band and anyway bob passed away four years ago mesotheliomas so this this benefit is the second year we're doing it it's for the best answer for cancer foundation so all the proceeds go to that fucking tremendous stuff the bills you're playing a lot of fucking gigs these days huh yeah i keep myself busy you guys like the popular fucking band around there three states couple states we built quite a following

that's an amazing fucking thing of those i'm proud of you you fucking stuck you like that lady who fucking swam for 35 years the one that just actually made it across the uh i just read about that it took it took a 35 years to do it but she finally did it fucking imagine that shit 35 fucking years training for that that's a horrible swim that's gotta be a fucking horrible swim it's gotta be it's not even about the swim it's about the things you're thinking about and the fucking cubans floating past your caucuses and shit baseball bats bitten in half by sharks and shit yeah i mean it's definitely shark infested water that's a damn sure you know you know when you talk about the going next to you with boats with shotguns you know yeah they were they were

driving next to her with boats with shotguns and they could see for sharks underwater they had all the electronic stuff they were feeding her peanut butter and honey she had a mask on to prevent her from the jellyfish i mean that's why because every time she learned something else you know it's like she learned something else that she had to avoid but i can't you know uh i've spoken to cubans that have done it on you know a fucking raft and shit like that it's scary man just to thought you know we want a new life you join the witness relocation plan they'll put you in Iowa in a fucking cornfield but these motherfuckers gotta get on a boat just to or raft or a homemade raft or something like that just to just to and then they gotta fucking make it in and play tag

on the beach and you know it's a fucking nightmare as well yeah so i'm gonna see you next week i'm very excited brother yeah i'm looking forward to a two-minute friday night couple fucking guys already hit me up man couple fucking people frankie jansen hit me up you know and i'm coming in i'm doing Gotham which i've never been done 23rd street i have no idea what the fuck i'm staying yet whether i should stay in the city or in the jersey side you know the shows are 1145 so i don't really have to be in the city tonight you know i like to go to the san general feast one night but i'm still deciding i think i'm gonna stay either like in we hawking or one of those fucking hotels down there fucking of those you know we walk in or or uh well i don't think the only hotel

down in hoboken is probably something that's like 400 years old you know no hoboken might have one of those old scary buildings with like a dumb wait a minute something it's amazing what they did with hoboken that is one place that gentrified so much it scares me yeah like that place i last time i went to hoboken i was like you know what this will be the probably the last fucking time i'm going to hoboken like that's how much it changed in my world in my eyes i used to go to fort street park down to that little ghetto down there and play basketball it was amazing yeah it was a slum i mean hoboken hoboken was you know like i guess back in the day when all the shipyards and stuff were active it was probably a thriving town and then when all that dried up you know there was you

know do you remember uh it was a kid that played for the vikings he was always messy and dirty or whatever and and and then his brow his nickname for him was hoboken because he was just a disaster and that's what hoboken was it was just a mess you know and it's such it's so different now you know it's it's like yuppie haven't you know that means um i don't even know if yuppie's the right word anymore i don't know what they call it now but they're these motherfuckers with these mustaches and shit it's amazing like having that mustache like nick often that makes you fucking cool now you're like really dog really dog should i smack you now or smack you later and it's funny because those guys this is what's funny about the guys that you're

in the bandwidth like uh now and like the bob shepherd guys weren't the guys you in a bandwidth involved we were talking about it a couple weeks ago in here like three times that comes up weren't they involved with like the bangs yeah and then the bank's bass player and then the guy that the singer owned east west i don't know if he owned it but he definitely worked there right he thought he was god yeah yeah he thought he was god's gift to the world the singer he thought he was fucking johnny bananas and all that he thought if you look at one of the old videos somebody put him up uh i remember him being a young guy and then you go on the east west and ask him a question about one of the live albums and he would be a douche bag to you you know he would be like a fucking

kind of going around back then no but he was he thought he was johnny bananas he didn't know that you know nobody he didn't get the fucking memo if you look at the videos now from the bangs watch him he really thought he was fucking you know david bowie's until something you know until somebody took that dick out and showed him what that hole was for like the pretenders and fucking 82 you know what i'm saying fucking a pillow when i see you on facebook i still think of all the crazy shit you tell your daughter's what you did a pillow no no no no no reefer no no no no no do they ever do they ever know that you smoked no you ever mentioned probably did they ask they ever asked dad was the craziest thing you know they haven't asked me yet and if they put me on

the spot you know i can't lie i won't lie but uh you know i'll tell them the truth they'll tell him what i you know what i did and you know it's been a long time i don't do that anymore last time was actually woodstar the second woodstock at 94 no we walked in there my i was there before the guys uh my brother my cousin my wife's cousin i don't even remember but we walked in there with like 12 cases of beer the last three days no food none of the 12 cases of beer and uh this guy in front of us was there with these two strippers and i swear to god koko you know maybe it was the beer maybe it was the weed or whatever but he looked just like jesus but this guy from six pack gave us this huge bag so he gave us a huge bag and a thing of rolling papers and that was the last time you

know it was and it was great because you just sit laying out in the field you know at night and and it was just a great time covered in mud i mean basically we drove home like almost naked because the clothes stunk so much but those experiences and i mean you just you know they're priceless fucking envelope you know they still think about you know i got a memory that is horrible but i still think about one night when my mom was still alive and i had a party at my house when eddie berelli almost fought louis anandes and chris donovan stuck up for him i don't know if you were downstairs but at one point of that night i was looking for you and i couldn't find you and you were upstairs in the attic with some broad and i turned the light on and you fucking

turned around and gave me the look from death and i just turned the light off i was like jesus christ the villas up there turned it up but that night it got ugly in the living room and i don't remember of you in the living room i think you were when eddie berelli came back with those guys and they were looking for louis anandes for fucking uh what's her name the blonde oh yeah yeah yeah i forget what i remember that yeah i was i forget what her name was and somebody took a one of the fucking crutches from the saint chris donovan told eddie berelli's gonna break his head or something was fucking classic yeah what a big dude back then who's that chris donovan he was big you know in north bergen everybody's like five eight with no neck you know what i mean myself included

but uh he was he was he well i guess he was big for the town he was probably like six feet but he was he was the original red devil that's what collangelo used to call him red devil what are you gonna do and he used to say well debbie that's right debbie daddy collangelo was a oh what a nut man that was possibly one of the craziest people i met at that age when he told me he would buy acid by the sheet yeah he bought acid by the sheet in high school this kid so he would buy a hundred and him teta and his brother would go camping and eat the whole thing and i remember going to kennedy school a couple times at those lunatics and going to a party in kennedy school and they wouldn't let you play anything else but zeppelin

and he would go into one of his aqua hola comas denis collangelo every 20 minutes you pop his head up and go the kings of rock and he'd go right back to bed the kings of rock bitches and he'd go right back to the fucking i remember going to some party downtown it was a whole bunch of people down downtown people fontana i think you were there with us um i was there with you higgins vana check it was some someplace downtown at some like apartment complex or whatever it's like projects that's down like in the 20s or teens or something like that and we were in the garage and i remember the garage was like you had the regular garage and there were these gigantic boulders i guess that they never blasted away that this place was built on and i just remember

that black lights and like you said zeppelin that's all you heard the entire night was zeppelin it's not a bad thing you know i still remember one of the craziest things that if i ever write a script i'm gonna write it into was when we were kids and we'd get beer delivered to us and the guy was in a spot and he'd show up and there'd be 19 fucking guys and they'd send you to like an address like we'd send you here so when you pulled up you go that's the beer delivery we got your money the guy would go now it's for an adult no it's not it's for us and we had the guy from embassy liquor's man you know he lives up by me and i met his wife um oh my god what the hell was well the guy that used to sell us to be it was his wife yeah it was zemenak and zemenak glenn zemenak was a delivery

driver for a while yes he was yes he was but the guy he knew he knew who you know we used to fall in the order sin you call the order and they deliver all is that i'm how fucking crazy is that guys there you go bitches and they deliver they would let you have it what are you gonna do what are you gonna do you got two choices either you give it to us and we give you a $20 tip or we're gonna take it from you eventually so one of these crazy motherfuckers doesn't they jump you because a lot of people deliver it in those days it just wasn't them that was the big thing can you imagine sitting at home and also and you want a six pack you know they had mom and pop liquor stores it wasn't all these big liquor stores and inside a supermarket they were mom and

pop liquor stores so yeah a kid that came in from four to seven just to deliver dog deliver booze and beer and if you gave him a 20 he'd stop for you and get you three fucking white castles yeah and the thing is these guys who are delivering were friends are like friends of friends friends of older brothers yeah so what are you gonna do you know come on you know you would you call it up and and they'd bring it right you know we used to we used to hang out down on the other side of tunley on this big mountain and and they would deliver down there they you know especially the guy at embassy liquor's who came to know us i mean he knew who he was bringing the booze to after a while and he'd deliver right to the base of this hill in the middle of nowhere you know it's the place to

hang out that's and a guy on 43rd street wouldn't serve us but you know who would always service the guy on 91st street when you're going into hudson county park that guy would always fucking serve you when you were 16 and then and thelma's and thelma's and urney urney would always serve you he would sleep on his pool table and you could knock on the window and he would fucking give you the beer it was the coldest beer in town yeah kind things once we were 16 we were fixed as a joan mary's yeah when she was 16 you went to joan mary's it's just how the system worked and you hate those fucking sandwiches that's why he used to piss on the dog towards the end i pissed on lila's dog i was the barmaid's name lila she committed suicide she jumped off a building jeez and the

john kown was next door with the chicken company and he would bring us free chicken we grew up to fucking joan mary's we we you know i could write up and then we used to borrow money from george's alone shark who owned the place i remember he was a loan shark he was a mob loan shark that loaned zero to fucking a hundred thousand dollars on the spot wow i mean that i didn't know yeah i remember a cop came in one night shaking him down and he fucking spit at the cop's bag and threw him out of his fucking place and like a week later somebody was like he was tied in big time george in those days i didn't know that two years later myself i borrowed money from i probably owe him like 20 000 because i would go to him and say listen steve of illo got such and such

pregnant he's embarrassed to ask you for the money he needs 500 give me 500 i'll give it to him and i'll just charge it on points and he did that with me forever me and going country took him down for thousands every girl in that bar ate abortions as far as he's concerned he didn't want no kids at the bar he didn't want no problems so that's what you were telling dog i knocked up lila nobody ever knocked up lila she was a 150 fucking years old nobody ever hit on that dirty bitch honey remember she's to make it a strong fucking grapefruit and vodka she put like a drip of grapefruit juice you get up with your marries for six dollars dog you get fucked up up there you gotta be careful up there yeah i mean you basically the first one you ordered would be like a regular one you know

and as the night went on you basically just saw your fingers through the other side they became clear they became clear the drinks became clear it was fucking crazy that wasn't good vodka either you know no once once the cocaine scene hit that that really killed us then let me move on to the midtown with sharpels oh Tommy's place and that was the beginning of the fucking end what a nut house that was and you know you think about it the nights we used to we used to be there on wednesday night all night that's what Tommy bought him i used to want me to tell you the truth about that here's the truth about that fernie lived across the street from sharpels and some nights i used to live with fernie in 83 when i came back from sara soda florida in 82 i lived with fernie

and me and fernie would have nothing to do and we've crossed the street to sharpels is bought and they had it was all old people but during the week they had the girl with the big tits with the glass eye janey she had big fucking tits and a glass eye you can't write this shit this is my win that's what i'm trying to fucking say to you people this was an old man bar like guys with wigs and white hair and you know talking about they would get dressed up to the nines to go and drink and her night was like tuesday night she had gigantic tits a tremendous ass but a glass eye she'd look at you with that fucking glass eye you'd say what the fuck did i do but you would fuck uh you just twist it to the side you just push your head to the side and keep banging like

biggie in 85 i mean she was fucking hot so we went to sharpels and we're like sharpels dog we gotta we come here at night we do bumps in your bathroom it's a great little bar he's like what are you talking about don't go down there that's my grandpa's bar we're like no we go down there we got a we got a grandma blow me in front of you go in there and drink and watch tv and he used to get pissed and then one day i go go down there on wednesdays and bartender that's how the whole thing started we used to get them to go down and then wednesday then it just became something fucking completely terrible yeah like by 83 84 that place had become a fucking by 80 yeah 84 because i left in 85 and it was already yeah by that time the kids car was on fire the kids car

blew up in front of the place it was a fucking a pretty intense bar and yet they had corkies which till this day that's probably why i don't go out because for a bar a neighborhood bar that was as crazy as it fucking got in my world that was a nutty bar that really he played the jukebox so loud that's how he wanted it yep he played the jukebox loud the pool games were violent but just everything in that place was just over the top do you know till this day john kelly will not talk to me because of sunday nights there because the big night at that place was sundays it would go 10 deep with bodies but we would do is we'd take quailudes and position ourselves in different parts of the room and every time mike kelly would turn around we'd throw ice cubes at him he would lose his

fucking mind he would lose his fucking mind in fact he would walk away from the bar and say that's it i'm not gonna fucking serve cocktail so people stop doing ice cubes at me oh my god i know it's amazing that i you still talk you know those you went to my mom's wake you do know that right yeah you tommy sharples glen content i still think of that shit you guys walking up that monday morning on why you guys here your mom and your mom came too so that's how long i know you cuck suck i love you the debt man many years many bones many miles so what are you doing thursday i come in thursday i'm gonna do arty lang no that's cool i'm gonna go eat you know you're always welcome i'm gonna go to the palms i'm around on thursday yeah i'm gonna go to the

palm and get a steak with timmy holloway with marble head and uh then we'll go do if you like to you always welcome to come do arty lang with me at 10 o'clock and then friday and saturday whatever when you come a friday hit me up you can pick me up and we'll get some dinner or something no that'd be cool all right and i'll give you a little chivo chew a little medical marijuana chocolate bar you get to take a bite of that and see the devil give that to your bandmates and do a fucking rehearsal down there they'll never be the same again you'll be playing fucking round about backwards what be those songs do you have in your uh in your repertoire now uh sergeant peppers um else oh my god um got to get you into my life only when the horn players show up uh hard day's

night we used to do like some some mostly early stuff like it won't be long um held the skeleton we did some of the stuff we don't really play anymore you know you kind of recycle stuff and then you move back to it again you know it's you know it's someone we're gonna play on this this saturday though we haven't played it in six years speaking to the wall it's comfortably numb fuck we're gonna put that on today that's how we roll on the fucking shows you know what i'm saying Avila we'll wait you focus psychologically and mentally the other thing that's really cool is is uh the folks from the band peyote and myself and Russell got cello joining them on stage we're doing dark side of the moon the entire thing we'll make sure you fucking tape and put it on facebook and break it

up into pieces all right we'll do we'll do man i love you and i'll see you next thursday i'm happy you called up today you're a good man you put me in a good mood same stay black say hello to the family i love you i will fuck my thursday brother all right bye bye it's a long fucking time i know that fucking savage check with a glass eye she did have a glass eye though banging though big tits real tremendous ass great smile but that glass eye was on fire she had a contact on you you know what i'm saying let me give some shout outs here to my main man fucking Blake fucking coop i got some beauties today i got some beauty motherfuckers today you know me fucking queen saga fucking Cleo your sexy motherfucker chris garcia north shore scott louis martinez my man jimmy daniels

all that's why i love illinois again i'm fucking ugly kid joe mac hard you know mac hard whatever your fucking name is jake cub chavarria and as usual the fucking waterbox the pool pros i love all you motherfuckers you know i'm saying and talking about i think next week or the week after we got my man from dollar shave club yeah go to fucking my web page joey dears dot net okay go to dollar shave club click on what are you putting the box church let me tell you what you get for a dollar a month they'll send you how many raises they send you four raises four fucking raises a dollar a month and these ain't these oak adult fucking things you could use this as a weapon you could stab a motherfucker in the eye set a thousand uses for six dollars a month they send you how many raises

four but it's it's a three-blade three fucking blade raiser not one not two but three blades you understand you're fucking working like a Puerto Rican with the strip with the aloe for nine dollars a month what are they saying they're saying your bag and cocoa butter and the whole thing the nine dollars is four four blades for actually you can get the uh the shave butter and the one wipe charlie's the one wipe fucking charlie so let's say you're out you're driving you gotta take a shit you don't have toilet paper you gotta one wipe charlie on you who's better than you charlie you're following me i use that no i hate toilet paper no i don't mean to i i've always had i always put hot water on toilet paper and wash my nothing anyway what do they gotta do they gotta go to

fucking dollar shave club dot com and press what it's four slash church um and you can i think there might be a box but why do that just go to joey dears dot net let's go to joey dears dot net give it a fucking shot columbus did you're not gonna be sorry i'm on it i'm on it i get my fucking raises every month look at me i'm a fucking savage and shit handsome as a motherfucker anyway go to dollar shave club we gave you some wisdom music yes don't come from me i do let's do this shit we're out of rifa what type of party is this lee i got these roaches and shit i don't want to be rolling roaches at eight in the morning get up your fox it's a beautiful day why fuck around get out there

anybody in there just not if you can hear me is it below the singer well i already want home come on come on what this is it people break fuck work fall and sit down to suck it they can call you shorty break out a fucking number put the earphones on listen for this shit this will take you back deep into the murky waters of the underworld it's wednesday you know what it's time for a fucking g-boat you oh shit i popped one already but i gotta i gotta keep it alive i gotta go 140 today what's up with the music oh doing a g-boat you ought to respect the shit and then look at this shit this is a tiva oh shit googly moogly ah fuck i gotta call

the agostinos i was going to be the right to that's my boy lee you're working on the cd the cd's coming out yeah that's september 24th motherfuckers i'm in new york september 13th friday the 13th saturday the 14th got them comedy clubs go get tickets 9 20 we're at the ice house live on a friday fucking night and 9 24 the release of the new cd do we have a name yet no nothing to be determined to be the time it's a surprise this fucking thing i love it here you go i'm gonna kill this fucking chibo chew this morning i gotta go to the doctor my heart will be pumping fucking joey what have you done fucking chibo chew cocksucker look at this one

googly num fuck it set in the morning i got a set an example you don't think dude i'm higher later oh you fart no oh my god it smells like rotten fucking ass or something i could be a rotten ass from the other fucking day you sure i'm sure kind of musical believe them oh thank you even though the chiba cheese started smelling stuff i know maybe i did fart sometimes you forget your blasphemy you know what i'm saying it's wednesday that's all you got from me cocksucker you got no stories today no chibo chews you're working on the cd league we gotta

done this out by monday don't make me come over here on saturday and interrupt the love nest you don't have to interrupt nothing no i'm trying to think any stories uh nothing for what are you doing this weekend that's it you're just hanging out with mama just hanging out with her i gotta go to a family trip but i'll tell you what the death squad people are coming in that's gonna be awesome i don't know if monkey thought i know uh yuck nasty and my girl jill motherfucking himitsu yeah they're all coming in they're going down to brayer to see joe on saturday they're going to the ice house friday to see brian you know i wish i would be in town but i took this little fucking joint before but i'll be back monday morning ready a fucking rock

we'll be here i think i'm gonna make it in i think i'm gonna make it i'm i'm gonna switch flights i think fuck it i wasn't up pull the podcast off on monday but i gotta take some care some shit on monday and tuesday okay sweet so fucking you're a savagely site what are you gonna do what are you gonna fucking do that's it i got nothing tonight i'm at the ice house i gotta go for a shot in the ass a little while i gotta go to the ice house i'm taking pictures today oh cool the kid from fucking grudge mats gonna come up to one of brothers and after one of brothers he's gonna call me about 12 12 30 that's also have you have you seen it yet or not yet you won't see it until the premiere i won't see it to the fucking premiere why would i want to go see that i don't

even want i don't even want to see it i don't know how it works i don't know if they send it to you or hmm i don't send me shit i don't mean nothing to those people they wouldn't give a fuck if i told them the movie sucked whatever they wouldn't give away if they send you and call us how do you look do you is there any scenes you want to okay they don't give a fuck once you sell your soul it's over that's hysterical no i'm excited to see that i'm excited to see a lot of fucking things i'm excited to see a batman a batman that fucking douchebag you fucking morons be batman mother fuckers then you know i get pissed off all the fucking time you know man i got no plans when we go laugh at your time tomorrow i'm gonna go to jiu jitsu tomorrow and i gotta spot universal city oh well

you don't love it too okay i've never been there that's the one that's the one i've never been to where you've been you've been here three you you haven't been to the club we haven't been to universal city either what are you thinking it's an experience fucking it costs i went i was gonna go one time to the amusement park it was like 80 bucks my wife gets pissed if there's a movie playing that she wants to see it's there that's the only time she curses and fucking the face gets rid of why because it's like $30 she gets fucking pissed she wants to go to the no ho five or some shit i don't know that's a it's a little weird when i moved up to no ho they were still the only movie theater that took the sad card they don't take it no more they don't take it no no more free movies

my wife don't say dick but when she has to go up there she went to see something up there and when i got back in the house the movie she goes it was $27 that's how the movie they charge you $11 for parking or something she was furious she's like we go to the other place for $27 at least i eat some she goes it was 27 plus the fucking uh so i told like go to go to universal city you gotta do the whole thing like you should take your girlfriend you go on the rides right yeah you could eat and you could watch a movie then it's worth the fucking $20 they make you park yeah you know but you didn't you go up there with me no maybe we'll go tomorrow night we'll go fuck around go up there see what it's all about they got like food up there they used to have Cuban food i don't even

eat bro i go i used to go up there when i first moved here i used to go up there and get free comedy uh club comedy uh my ass isn't you like the ass cheek is fucking itchy stretch your arm around like a fucking joke staring right on my eye we need to look but i wasn't scratching like my ass whole like i'm the ass cheek sometimes cream i'm dry i'm dry this morning this fucking heat is drying out my shit oh my god and don't fucking forget you didn't talk about hulu dog you're slipping i'm sorry man what happened with hulu this week what do you what shows have you been watching on hulu you don't say nothing no i do i went to a hotel you didn't bring the hulu with you i did it brought my laptop you did that's all you have to do bring it off and what do you watch on hulu this week

a daily show john skewer came back so i watched that i had episodes how was he been gone for he was gone for the summer he was filming a movie in like Saudi Arabia or something crazy Jesus fucking christ yeah because they did a story a few years ago about this guy speaking against i don't remember what what's country it was but after they spoke to his show they thought the daily show was a real show so they arrested him and put him in jail um so they were doing a movie about that but no i love it and it's it's i mean i've i've gotten to the point where my free trial's over so i've been paying it's um it's awesome it's just it's $7.99 a month and let's there's nothing more i could want $7.99 a month again fucking $96 a year for fucking television i'm giving you two weeks for

free and then you're gonna get $7.95 a month listen to me $7.95 a month fucking cut the lattes out cut the venties out get that cupcake machine where you put the coffees in and hit the fucking thing you can make green tea i'm telling you i make green tea at the house now yeah i don't go over three dollars i was paying for a fucking thing for three dollars i get half of china fucking three dollars for green tea over at the fucking for three dollars i don't even sell a chinese guy at the house to make the fucking tv you know what i'm saying i'm gonna give a fuck it's pretty interesting because so how did this guy die this uh Castro did they say he just had a I don't know i don't know they i'm sure he hung himself or something poison that motherfucker

i thought i said that he hung himself but i was actually gonna ask about that like for someone like him he must be on suicide watch right so that he did it in like a like a total probably like five or ten minutes i watch they wouldn't put they wouldn't put someone like him on suicide watch that's unless he tried to kill himself why would he be on suicide watch he didn't find he got a hundred fucking years listen the the biggest cop the biggest killers in this country are cops i was thinking about this the other day yeah who killed tupac 15 years later 20 years later nobody knows who killed tupac who killed fucking big in 97 you know 16 years later nobody knows who could kill you and get away with everything have police radios the cops yeah the

cops killed big in tupac and and i'm not mad at when i was a kid cops helped me out sometimes got broke beaten on somebody for 200 they'll go down and knock them the fuck out you know what are they gonna say we got knocked out by the fucking cop but in jail those fucking cops get together and they just get an invict they'll just give a pass to an invict oh okay so instead of coming through the main thing and being on the camera there's a way through the fucking kitchen which nobody knows that there's a black spot there they'll send the fucking his dad to get him up and you're waiting for him with a fucking shiv did he hang himself did he hang himself yeah they they'd cook him that fucking he knew but somebody talked him into it like Hannibal like that he was

he was in protective custody but they wouldn't put someone like who did something like that that crazy they wouldn't we'll check on him every 20 minutes and they do they do checks once an hour but what do you know who you know i mean who's what do you how do you hang himself with his fucking clothing or did he say his sheets whatever it's a fucking nightmare i mean he did a fucked up thing he got busted he got away with it for a long time i mean that's the creepiest fucking thing in the world a kid that's something like that keep me in your fucking basement three and i have a kid with one of them that's and where'd she have the kid right now yeah yeah he made one of the other girls deliver it and they cut the imbibical cord and that's it fuck in the yeah yeah

yeah that was that poor kid today she's with her mom she's like six years old that must be fucked up because she must look like the kid like the like the kid must look like the father so she's gonna like remind her of that but uh did you ever did you were like i mean you had a much shorter sentence so like did you get like down and think about doing that or not really it was just so short it didn't bother you it was six years four to six years i knew i was gonna reconsider my sentence to four which would make it 48 months at the time they cut you they cut your time in half if you have a nonviolent crime that's why my attorney went for second degree burglary an accessory to a felony which were both nonviolent the court

tried to argue the accessory to a felony was violent my attorney beat him with some fucking thing so it was down to 24 months okay you're eligible for a halfway house at 16 months they put your paperwork in and you get transferred to a halfway house at 16 months so worst case scenario i would have done eight months which is exactly what i did you only did eight months in jail eight months i was eight months away eight to eight to nine months away then i was in a halfway house for two fucking years which is worse than being in others yeah they watch every step they they paid you they call you if i come to lee sciat i gotta call them say i'm going to lee sciat this is his address this is phone number before i leave here i gotta call again and go hey i'm getting on

the number two bus where i'm a fucking magnolian squamio street where you going i'm going to downtown la how long is it usually three hours all right call us as soon as you get off the fucking bus shit as soon as you get off that fucking bus you gotta call him hey i'm over here on fifth street in alameda where you're going i'm going to the la fucking phil how long you're gonna be there for two hours who are you going to talk to lee sciat's mother what's her phone number six two six five seven seven that's what it is think of doing that think of fucking doing you're there for even halfway house for two years a fucking a year a good fucking year and what i did was i didn't have a job i got a pager i told him i was a detail so i had a pager plus when i did get

a job at a car place i would say when they call i'm telling them all right okay so i would buy time and then they would call me on the page and go they're looking for they there no they're at they called in okay so i would call him from a dip they didn't have caller i do that oh my god follow me see call him at from lee's i could be the fucking pussy and get my dick sucked in china town but i'll call him and go i'm gonna leave sciat's in the village you know and whatever and you know studio city whatever the fuck you follow me that's crazy so think about that that sucks that's how they know you back that's how they get you're right back so i would have done two years out of four 24 months but here's where it gets better i was under a state statue first time

nonviolent offender house built 1204 with 1206 cuts a time and a half again so all this was going on so you do a month or two in county jail that counts for double time that's four fucking months so i went in with 20 months slept so two months i'd be eligible all i was gonna do was okay do you follow me there's so many things that people fucking don't know you know if you stay in the county jail for a year that's two years you get two for one in the county well so by the time i go to trial they give me two years i'm out that fucking day time sir really uh it's time sir do you do you watch any of those jail documentaries because like i i loved them but it terrifies me going to jail do you like just like

not watch it like you don't want to see that stuff i watch everything you know i try to watch anything you know something like that but you have to watch it because i was in that for a while i don't like the ms mbc ones the ms mbc ones are very good i don't watch jail on spike with drunk people coming under like lock up is like lock up yeah lock up isn't bad they show you the different fucking prisons and you and you you get to talk to these people who are proud it's like it's like if you ask me what were the best comedy clubs you perform i'd say the punchline in san francisco you know cobs uh uh you know the club in utah wise guys is a great fucking club the club in lexington to great you know it's a lot of great what are your favorites well when you talk to these people

you're like where were you spent they're like dawg i did time in pelican bay i was in lucy's fucking basement in arizona i didn't like they try to brag it to you like dawg i did time in chicago at the fucking component jail fucked you i did papillon fucked you i was in jail in saudi arabia getting butt fucked by arab fuck you you know it's amazing that it's like a resume for them they want to build that resume up well that's when it got scary for me yeah when i heard people talking about their resume and dog it was a party over there we're shooting heroin whoa a party it's a party we're somewhere where people are not telling you what to do all day that's a party if you like i remember there's one particular guy i don't know what his name was i think i mentioned

my podcast before that one day we were talking about guns and roses out and was out okay i got locked up guns and roses 87 uh welcome to the jungle that was huge yeah and 88 that was huge and we're uh at the front of the stoop and that mystic brownstone is on and i go they're singing about heroin this guy jumped right and he wasn't know it all no they're not they're singing about this chick that used to and in mid conversation you know he was the guy with the sideburns that were trimmed you know he had the fucking he was a biker dude short everything for fucking like attention like yeah you know and with sunglasses that were cut in half and and he was like yeah i just came from there like some guy was like yeah we were in the altar right yeah i just came from

there was a fucking party i don't forget looking at him and going why am i gonna argue with this guy this guy's an idiot he's just saying that he came from a prison where it was a fucking party we were shooting dope every night and the guards would get let you get your dick sucked you know there was this chick that came in what are you talking about meanwhile you're looking at eight fucking years you have pictures of your kids and you have all these tattoos of your kids who's feeding these motherfuckers that's the best when they have tattoos of their kids like i love this motherfucker then why are you in here why the fuck are you in here you love this fucking kid so much you know it makes you think like what the fuck are you talking about i love her man really

you love her so calling her every day and abusing her on the fucking phone all day long what the fuck you write man i call you know they stay on the phone all day with these women jesus like let's say you get to work at nine i'll call you at nine oh one at your desk hey man what so the whole day you're trying to work with some convict on the fucking phone telling you about how he didn't get enough string beans for breakfast it's fucking amazingly i'm very very fortunate very fortunate but i looked at that and i was like that's cool it was a great experience but the same for fucking me and i'm very lucky you know so whatever we all catch a break somewhere man that's how i couldn't i couldn't imagine doing eight months i have a friend that treading himself in the 19th

of this month really i can't imagine being him for how long three years and he's around your age 50 years old right now tomorrow i gotta go in september 19th you imagine that that's uh i had to have to surrender myself i have like three weeks left on the street what am i thinking right now yeah my dad had a friend of a friend who did that like he was he was drunk when he ran he ran somebody over and so after after the court i got was probably like seven or eight so i don't think i even knew the guy but like he had to go and turn himself in in like a month or two so like they were taking him out to like the football game and stuff like that but i can't imagine he enjoyed it like how can you enjoy that with like in the back of my mind if i know i have to go to

the fucking the doctor i don't enjoy things like like you were how long were you up before your your trial about a year and did we freaked out the entire time no no i uh i had realized it's funny after the that i got out i tried to sell cars yeah and i was so psychologically out psychologically damaged by that what i had done i couldn't even talk to people like i didn't sell a car for like seven weeks finally the management called me and they gave me like 500 bucks and i said joey takes some time off well and i went back to bold and i uh just tried to get into college i tried to clean up everything but i really wasn't trying to clean up i was trying to clean up for the court i was trying to clean i wasn't cleaning up for myself which is always bad yeah i was trying

to stay out i might try to stay clean and give a piss test not to the third one i had to withdraw from the program they were just hot in the fuck and with coke and weed so i didn't want them to use that against me so it was if i were to stay clean they could use it for you for you yeah but you know so i abolished that and i was just trying to clean up everything to look shiny so i wouldn't have to go to jail i really wasn't looking inside myself i was too young at the time i didn't even know what was going on i was so fucked up in my own head that i hadn't done anything till today i'm telling you i didn't do nothing till it's velikin this is something that happens every day in the drug world yeah where somebody gets cocky they get pinned down and they get robbed or they get

taken i fucked up uh he got he kept getting in trouble you know velik had gotten in trouble i don't know what tidwell's life is today the other fucking idiot that got involved i know that it didn't hit me till that morning like it was a party the whole time i was out like i was lifting weights i was running i was swimming you know i was riding a bike to everywhere i was eating good but once i went in i was addicted to coke you know i took three or four weeks to get over you know to get my head right that was the first time since i was a fucking kid that i had been off drugs you didn't try to get him while you were there so from fucking 15 to 28 i was never off drugs that whole from 15 to 18 you shouldn't be on fucking drugs i was never off drugs

and i got high till 28 and going in there and cleaning me up for six months that made me think of what i had to do and one of the things was not going back that's for fucking damn shortly like that's just not mine you know at the time so i'm very fortunate and trust me there were some times i could have gone back so i lucked out man i really lucked out i got arrested after that a few times but they just never say you're back no you know i got arrested a few times for that the fights the assaults up in f***ing seattle and whatnot but you know i'm very happy i'm very f***ing happy because it got a gun worse you know we're here f***ing you know so whatever man you could start at any f***ing day every time i see this lady that

swam at 64 really makes me want to go to the gym it really f***ing 64 you see a walk out of there it was like jesus healed her when she came out of f***ing water dog i still can't take that memory swimming 100 miles of non-stop f***ing miles i can't walk 100 f***ing miles never mind f***ing swim 100 goddamn miles anyway lee you know the f***ing deal as usual dog we got the f***ing hulu yep go on my web page joeydeers.net yep the word is what joey all right then dollar shave club go to dollar shave club watch the f***ing video we're going to try to have him on the show next wednesday so have dollar shave club uh go to dollar shave club dot com look at the video look at the mexican guy in the warehouse see what this guy's doing he's doing a great f***ing job and

he's passing the savings on to you six f***ing dollars and she could shave her pussy and you could shave and you get four raises a month a dollar if you don't have a girlfriend a dollar for f***ing a month at 12 dollars a year i'm not f***ing around with you guys this is a great deal do what you need to do and never ever ever forget on it this morning i was in a pinch this morning boom what do i have i had a hemp force f***ing protein shake and a hemp force bar you don't hear my stomach grounding or nothing no i'm energized i feel good i slept three hours i know my body will make it up later i took my little pack in the f***ing morning i'm telling you what uh i go off the alpha brain i'm not going to tell you i take the alpha brain on it's like i say take the shroom

tech before i work out i take the packages you know the two packages a day one in the morning and one at night yeah go to f***ing on it man they're doing a lot of great things i know they just added a heavier uh whatever the f*** you call it bell whatever they're not going to make the hundred pounder with my face on it that's not going to happen so don't f***ing worry about it you dirty bastards i love you but look at the ropes look at all the s*** they got but what i'm really concerned about is f***ing getting your body healthy you know the water the f***ing even if you don't take that on it just you drinking water makes me f***ing happy you know last week i didn't drink no diet soda really yeah that's it that's it man because it's too much sodium anything i'm not doing anything

that helps my hurts my blood pressure no more but i tell you what when i take that shroom tech it calms me down that f***ing night time stuff they have that stuff is really f***ing good you know you're saying that you were gonna go to sleep i'm gonna give you a new mood and you tell me what the f*** you think and here's the secret with that stuff if you buy melatonin serotonin whatever's in turkey yeah what the f*** is in turkey melatonin i don't f***ing know i think serotonin in turkey but melatonin is a different kind of night right if you buy that stuff let's be honest after four days it wears off you can't fall asleep yeah that's why you have to take those you have to do exercise you have to have reefer because not everything's gonna put you to sleep you know i'm saying like

if you're tired you fall asleep if you like when i went to the f***ing zoo the other day and walked around with the baby 18 miles for three f***ing animals i was f***ing tired i slept like a baby that f***ing night but go out go to on it see what the f*** they got go to on it what do they press on that one church go to on it dot com press church get 10% off get put on the list they give you great deals on it don't f*** around here's the thing with on it sign up for the mailing list because they're always doing something always always coming out with a new f***ing thing man he should be appear next week and i guarantee i guarantee he'll f***ing bring me something next week i'm sitting there going oh you're like a f***ing i can't wait till those alpha brains come

out for the flying to remember the packages that you put in water or guys this is cutting this is the f***ing future the same centrum that's been around for 10 000 years and you don't even know what i buy those centrums over 50 packets i don't know what the f*** they do for me at least this i'm going somewhere you're wrong i hope you learned something today i hope that this was a great podcast for you motherf***ers saying i hope you have a great day and i hope you have a great thursday and a great friday and i will see you next week in f***ing new york and that's the end of that bitches oh s*** now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone

or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus dot com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the hulu plus banner and while you're there don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com you get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club banner that's right bitches have a great day and stay black oh s*** little tupac here for you motherf***ers what looking back at the world goalie let me see a little wiggle from joey brought a gift for joey or my homie joey got a little baby's craze way off in the

sea it's got me with my enemies fleeing that scene believe me if it does gotta run up take it easy listen through the internet search a hunt for a plan return the bad words to call me this on again give a holla to my niggas in the darkest corners all the perfect blood and let this ball get for you one love from a dog make a phone away to posies all i'm having on drug dealers till they hear my friends i'm seeing nothing but my dreams coming true when i'm seven at the world do my review also seeing nothing but my dreams coming true while i'm staring at the bird through my review they got me staring at the bird through my review so it's breathe me god you can't hear you i can feel your heart beat and fast, get the time to die, get in power till

time flies so i'm a motherf***er staring at the bird through my review know what baby is screaming god you can't hear you i can feel your heart beat and fast get the time to die get in power till Now you see him, now you're dumb, some niggas be here for the moment, and then they gone, we'll have it to him, well let's see, it seems to be a mystery, but all I know I'll never let them want to get to me, and stay down like that, and to him.