Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/09/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #110

Episode Date: September 10, 2013

Author and BJJ player Kyle Aho calls in. Buy Kyle's book:http://www.amazon.com/Soldiers-Misfortune-Parasite-Lost-ebook/dp/B00EFDZE9A/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1378735709&sr=8-3&keywords=parasite+lost This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/09/2013

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And buy dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay to retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollar shaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. 20 years ago today, but anyway, get up, wash your feet, wash your ass. It's a whole new week. It's the last fucking corner, baby. Kick that motherfucker, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We ain't

fucking around today. Grab your cock, wash that helmet. Somebody's sucking that fucking dick. Oh, yeah. We ain't fucking around, Lee. Hit it, Lee. Stop it, motherfuckers. You thought you were just gonna get up today and it's gonna be flowers? We got you with funeral fucking though. What's up, mad motherfucking Jew? I had a good day yesterday than a fucking shitty ass night, but I'm not. What happened? I heard you had a shit in the thing. You flooded it. What the fuck? How much shit did you have in your asshole that you flooded the fucking toilet? I didn't flood it. It was a shitty place in Santa Monica, but so I got a call Saturday. You know why you ever hear a movie cost $200 million to make? You know why that is?

It's because they spend so much fucking money out here. I get called on Saturday that everyone's working the entire freaking weekend to send a cutout to the network that they're never gonna watch until like Tuesday or something. So I work, I go into work last night at four, at four in the afternoon at three thirty a.m. I'm finally done for no reason. And I go to open the gate to leave the parking lot and it fucking won't work. And I'm fucking running around. I try different things. I try to see if there's an electrical thing I can pull. I call a couple people who own the building and they don't pick up. So I finally have to call cab and the cab driver is like this drunk. He's the open. He's falling all over himself. He said he lived up here

when the fucking when the earthquake happened in 94. But right when I found out the fucking door wouldn't open, I had to take a shit. I went upstairs to take a shit. It wouldn't fucking, it wouldn't go down. So I'm standing there with my pants around my ankles trying to plunge the toilet trying to call for a cab. And it's just how much they charge you 45. That's not bad. That's fucking to get up here now, but to get back down there later today. 200. Yeah, but they're going to pay for it. Fuck them. You don't fuck around me. Somebody sent me an email that they were very proud of you. That you told the guy that he had a quit and shit like that. It's amazing how people will go their lives with a job and take like stupid shit. Yeah.

Because they have a job and they're very happy. And hey, I'm with you. Sometimes you got to take stupid shit from people, but there comes a day, you know, you go, you know what, you could suck my fucking dick. You have to have your parameters. And that's why I didn't do well in the job market because I had a dream. Yeah. I always had a dream and there was a lot better than whatever fucking job I was doing. I didn't know what the dream was. Don't get me wrong. When I was 20, my dream was to be like Tony Montana and sell drugs and see a fucking jerk off. But it always stopped me from just settling for fucking 15 bucks an hour and all my week and the boy's called and, you know, he's coming down today and everybody's like all nervous.

And at the end of the day, you're like, what the fuck does this have to do with my final outcome? Nothing. You ever work for somebody who comes into work and to throw their keys away and everybody's waiting for his answer and you're like, what the fuck? Why am I doing this? Yeah, my fucking kidding me. I'm wrapped around his world. Well, he's gonna talk to you in five minutes. You know, he had a bad day with his wife. So what the fuck does that have to do with me? But in our minds ingrained, it's like, wow, this is what we have to pay attention to. This is the guy that, you know, he's better than us for some reason, something he did make some better than us. Did you ever work for a corporate place like that has like, like, offices around,

like, and they'll be like, oh, someone from corporate's coming. Every time something happens like that for me at a job, the bosses are running around and they're like, clean up, look busy. I'm like, I already fucking was busy. And this guy comes in and his hair slicked back and they go out and they buy him lunch. And they buy it, they bring him a sandwich. The best is the VO guys, the voiceover guys at some of the places that worked. One of the VO guys, like they're freezing cold. So they had the AC like specially fixed. And then like people freak out and the rest of the office is shivering for the entire day. And the other VO guy likes it steaming hot. So they bring in heat fans for him. And it's, it's some people are fucking hysterical.

And you got a little grab him through his neck and go, look, you're going to fucking work whatever condition if I'm paying you $2,000 a fucking day, the VO, you know, it's amazing how only in this market here, do people make demands on their jobs. Yeah, it really is fucking amazing. But that whole I remember working in 84 and 83. I went back to, I left Colorado. I had a great little fucking life going, but it was too not busy. There wasn't enough going on. And it wasn't enough that I was doing a grandma, you know, at that time I was doing like I have grandma night by myself, like three nights a week, maybe two nights a week. And I was taking classes and I was robbing fucking drug dealers. And I was making money. I was putting away money. It was the first time since my mother had died,

I was putting away money and doing something constructive. I was still a fucking thief and I was still doing drugs. But for some reason I went home and I got a job at Swift Electric. And Swift Electric was an electrical warehouse in New Jersey that had like it was a union warehouse. So for starters, I made the mistake. I answered the ad and went through the employment agency. That's a fucking mistake. Like this is how dumb I was, you know, why is that a mistake? Because I had to give them like two week salary. Oh, the other days I was working 48 hours for 200 hours a week. What? It was like six bucks is something fucking ridiculous. Yeah, five or six bucks. Yeah, that's it. And you had to be there at seven and it was freezing and you had to shovel

and bring fucking electrical pipes. And I started as a trope as a load, you know, in the warehouse. And I would load trucks and the guy that was in charge of the warehouse had the job there since he was 16. And he had bought a 280ZX. So everybody was scared of him. Like this guy came in like let's say you had to be there at 730 and busting here. He pulled out like 840. Like, you know, with his coffee in his hand, his gloves, and he come out like everybody moved and he was just a kid. The guy was just a kid like us doing drugs. You know, he probably, if I was 20, he probably had me like by maybe five or six years, you know? Yeah. But he had the girlfriend, the fucking, you know, on the weekends, I do this. You know, what was he probably making? $12 an hour. This

kid thought he was fucking, he thought he was fucking Donald Trump, you know? And I remember one day he said something to me and I was one of those guys that you could push me a little bit at those jobs. But I always knew that I could go out and steal or sell drugs. I didn't need this fucking job. I was just doing it to turn my life around to be a better person. At the end of the week, if you pushed, that's when the real me came out, you know? Yeah. And I remember one day I like pushed this guy. Like I was like, fuck you and your job. And I pushed him and they got between and they didn't want me to quit. It was always a hard work. You know, I work hard. I don't give a fuck. And they just told us not to talk. But that was the first time that I never really,

I didn't take shit at those jobs. And that's why I never really lasted, whether it was at the Sharon. I was watching the Lemmy documentary. Lemmy is the bass player. I love the head, this fucking old legend, you know? And they were talking about that they have to call him the renegade. You know, and I thought about when I was about right around that time, right before I got arrested, I went to this Subaru store. That was what got me arrested. That Subaru store had this bad luck to it. I had started there, I quit, I went back, I quit, and then I went back. And that's when I got arrested. Knowing that there were a bunch of thieves. As soon as you walked into the Subaru store at the time, it was a den of thieves. It was like being in a mafia. Everybody there was

a fucking thief. You just had a steal. It was, you know, whether it was car deals, you follow I'm saying to you, there were people, there were human beings, there were nice people, but they were thieves. You know, they were car salesman type thieves, even like engineers that were there that were laid off for some that went, they became thieves. You know, this was like a den of thieves. You made money at this car lot. You made 10,000 a month if you wanted to, you know, that's, that's a lot of money for selling cars. And I went back there and I started rocking and rolling. I started making money. And in those days, I worked at Carlos Valverde who got arrested for robbing banks at lunchtime and Jimmy Wheeler. These guys were all like, like I said to you,

these guys were all street guys that have become car dealers now. And one day I bought a car from Jim Wheeler, who was a dear friend of mine. I love Jim. And he didn't know what he was, he was a used car department. And for him to make his bonus, he had to sell 80 used cars. And they were at 79. So I went to him and I go, generally, but I thought they're going to sell me the car for what they told me, but they added all the dealership to it. So when I got my check, that Saturday, they're taking out like $10,000 out of my check. And that's like, that's not what I wanted. And I forget what kind of car it was. It was a shitty yellow, like a Toyota, one of those box cars, those Nissan box. And I think I paid 900 for it. And they charged me like 15. And that

was a lot of my $600 was a lot of fucking money in those days. And I remember that I said, I want my fucking money today. Like that's a corporate office. And they're like, well, we have to wait till Monday till accounting comes in. And they didn't understand where I was fucking from. I said, I don't think you guys understand that I want, and this is Saturday, there's customers in the showroom, there's people trying to buy cars. And I'm like, I want my fucking $600 today. Well, Joe, you have to wait till Monday and give the car back, take the car. I said, listen, you guys don't get it. You guys obviously have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I don't know nothing about corporate. I don't know nothing about accounting. I don't know nothing. I know

that I got a check. It's $600 fucking dollars light. I don't want my fucking $600 today. Right fucking now. And they gave me an all line of bullshit. Like another line of bullshit. I was like, okay. And I went to the lot and I took a sledgehammer. I swear to God, this is how fucking retarded I was. You know, I walked into the middle of fucking Carla. Yeah. And I jumped on top with new fucking Subaru. And I said, if I don't get my fucking money in three fucking minutes, I'm gonna start breaking windshields in this motherfucker. And they thought I had a dog. I was crazy. I didn't give a fuck. You know, I was fucking nuts. And they didn't know what to do. I mean, these were nice, nice American yuppies, you know, they didn't know what to do. And they

finally came out and one of the guys himself gave me 600 out of his pocket and they sent me home. They said, here's $600. You got the day. Fuck it. Take the car. Just get out. They didn't know that I was a fucking nightmare. You know, they didn't know. And like that Monday when I came back, the owner of the place was an old, like veteran. Like you, if you were to look at this guy, you would never thought he'd like me. But he really, really liked me. And he called me as well. He goes, what happened on top of that? And I go, dog, I looked in my check and you know, me, I fought for everything I got in these motherfuckers. And he goes, you got the money? Yeah. Okay. He goes from now on, I'm gonna call you the

renegade. I've never seen nothing like that. But I sold cars for the guy because he knew who I was and I know who he was and he got to understand me. But Lee, that's what I tell my wife all the time. That's why they call it work, guys. Yeah, that's why they call it work. Because you're not going to go down there. It's not going to be a fucking paradise. It's not going to be a paradise. I don't understand. Like I was talking to my mom the other day, and I was like saying, oh, sex is going to work. And, and like, I was complaining about something. And she's like, well, everyone goes through it. And it's, but I'm like, why, like, why do they have to like, I don't understand, like, like the stuff like who I

took a cab here after work, I've been up for 24 hours. And the only like, I would never have called you and said, I'm gonna go to sleep now. I love like, why can't you like, there has to be enough things that people can do that they enjoy it. You know, Lee, by 1991, when I got on stage, I knew everything sucked. Yeah, I knew everything else in my life sucked. I knew even if I got that degree, I was going to school for, and I didn't go to prison. Once I applied the degree in the corporate. Can you imagine me going to work on a Monday morning with a fucking shirt on, and shoes on. If you were an accounting, right? And I knew this at 30, like this dawned on me when I was in school, I started watching people. And I started watching what happens in society,

you're 21, you know, you're 18, you graduate high school, you go to college with a predetermined fucking whatever. When you're 18, will you judge anything that you fucking know? No, you're a fucking idiot. So why would you listen? Well, at that time, you don't fucking know you're an idiot. No, you don't. You don't. You don't know how much of a fucking idiot you are when you're like, I'm going to go to school and be a political scientist or whatever the fuck degree or chemical engineer, whatever the fuck you don't know. So now you're two years into it and you hate it. But you're already two years in and you're $30,000 in loans. So now you got to take it. So now you marry your fucking sweet childhood sweetheart. It's the same thing. It's a fucking pattern.

And part of it is the American dream, but part of it is the American nightmare. Yeah, you fall into this fucking realm and all sign your 26 and your life is laid out. You got a wife. She's pregnant. You got school loans. This is your job. You got a pension. You got a 401k. And this is what you're doing for the fucking next 30 years. Right there. That's when I started drinking. That's when I started doing below. This is it. This is the fucking end result of you going to school for fucking 20 fucking years of your life, right? Cause you figure you go when you're four and you stay there until you're 20 fucking one. So it's basically 17 years of your life. This is the end result now. Now I got this chick that I fucking banged up. She was a cheerleader. She looked kind

of good. Now she's getting fucking annoying and I banged her up and I'm stuck with this fucking fat bitch and her family. That's a little fucking, that's a little on it fart there. Oh yeah, that's that protein pile, a little banana in that motherfucker this morning. Oh, it's raw. I like that. It smells like asshole and foot. It's weird how much you like to smell of your own farts. Oh, everybody. I love it. I love it. And we cop it and we wish it don't go away. Like, especially when you first get in the car and you get a fart. Oh no, that's disgusting. You don't, you don't. No, no, no. Like when you get in after a long day, I love farting in the car. My wife got in my car there. She goes, it smells so bad in there. It smells like old ass sweat

and dead farts. You should have a funeral for the farts in that car. So I went with a thing of a breeze and I sprayed it. I leave this for a reason. It was 105 degrees. The breeze blew up in the fucking car. Now the car smells like an explosion of farts for breeze and fucking everything else. But it's amazing. Like I was headed there. Like I remember looking at my wife, looking at my daughter at the time, Jackie, and going, this is it. Yeah, I'm fucking 28 years old, 29. I really did my prison time. Now I'm gonna come out, get this degree. At first, I thought I was gonna have to move to New York City and get on the train every day. And that's it. If you work downtown, if you work in the city, that allure is great for about three fucking years. Well, I'm gonna get on

the train. It's gonna be great. My little brown bag. Oh my God. My little iPod on. Listen to podcast. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right. Fuck you. I'm not gonna get on that fucking train every day. So I decided to stay in Colorado and I started roofing, which was completely, completely off from the plan that I had had. Because when I got out of prison, I was supposed to go sell windows and doors for a friend of mine in New Jersey. Really? Yeah, I was gonna go sell windows, sashes, doors, all that shit for a friend of mine in New Jersey. And when I got out of prison, Trump had fucked his company up. Trump would would, you know, have that's just that's why Trump don't run for fucking president. Because, you know, Trump is Trump now. But we know Trump from 30 fucking years ago,

40 years ago, when he was doing a bunch of kinky shit, you know, when he was doing a bunch of kinky shit. It's so funny. If you read Sammy DeBull's book, he mentions a guy like Trump, but it's Trump who he's talking about. Trump got away with murder. Really? Sure. Trump got away with murder. Trump did a lot of fucked up things in New York. Construction was run by the fucking mafia for 20 fucking years. You know, a dumpster, a construction dumpster, those big dumpsters you see on the street with $200 anywhere in the country in 1987. You know what they cost in fucking New York? $2,000, $2,200 for a fucking dumpster. You know what the concrete cost when New York in the fucking 80s? That was the mafia tax that was levied on it. To be a part of that, to get that work,

you had to pay the mob. The mob had a dollop club, a percentage club, where every contractor, you know what I'm saying, has to be part of this thing and they bid and you get, you win the bid, but then you have to kick back. So what you do is you use non-union labor in a union job. So instead of paying the people 17, 10 and out of the laborers, you're really paying a mate. That money goes back to the mafia. So if you've got 100 employees and you're stealing $8 an hour from 100 employees, what are you making a debt? You're making a lot of fucking money on those big jobs. Jacob Javits, Matt, you know, those big construction jobs, there's 50 fucking laborers walking around. Yeah. You know, so you, it's a union job, so you hire union laborers. There's

some guys that you got to pay 18 and 50 to pick up a piece of paper every hour, but there's other people that you put on and you pay them eight and you tell the union you're paying them union wages. So let's say they're getting 18 an hour, you're taking 10 out of their fucking pocket. That's the kickback. What? You know, plumbers get 36 an hour, sure. All right, Lee, what are you a plumber? You're gonna come in as a non-union plumber, you're gonna get 18. I'm gonna make 18 an hour on you just for you. So if I got five of those guys, I make 18 an hour times five. That's $100 an hour I'm making. Those are the shop stewards. Those are the guys that were fucking running those fucking unions. So if the mafia was involved in the construction, what is Trump's business? Construction,

yeah. Construction. So what the fuck? You think he tipped the totes way through with that fucking Liberace wig on? No. He fucking stole with two fucking hands, but God forbid nobody puts that together. I mean, that's a real feat. They gave them a TV show, they gave them motherfucking everything with his little fucking wig and Havana. That guy robbed. He built the casino Atlantic City. Who runs Atlantic City? The mom. Okay then, then what the fuck are we talking about? That's hysterical. You know, but nobody figures that out because you all live in your head up in your fucking ass. You all live on that CNN world, whatever the fuck they tell you. You know, that's what people don't know. I look at something for what the fuck it really is.

I never thought I'd believe that. That's why Trump walks around with that look on his fucking face. Sure. Remember they wanted him to run for president? I don't want to run. A guy with that ego would do nothing else but be president. A guy with that ego would be president. He can't because once they look deep, they're going to go, what the fuck were you doing in 1975? You were running with the fucking Gambino's. You were in the price bid club. You were running with the Genovese. You were running with the fucking five families. That's construction. That's labor racketeering. That's crazy. You want to look it up? Look it up. Look in that. You got the balls and you know it home. Look into fucking what Trump was doing in the 80s. You're going to die. So Trump would be

the GC, the general contact. So I'm going to come in here. I'm going to redo this room. So what the GC is in charges of hiring everybody else. So he hires the painters, the electricians, the floor guys, everything. You follow me? I put the bid in. Fuckin' Trump would tell the people to get the material and then not pay him. So and then he fucking keep the materials they build and that's why he went bankrupt. Trump's a smart motherfucker. That's how he made his first couple fucking million. And you stiff them, you keep your fucking dough. Jesus. What are you going to do? You lost on a deal. They don't fucking know if you're telling the truth. It's a fucking real racket and people don't see it. It's like Governor, you know, there's so many people that should be running for president

that would have more of a fucking understanding than the jerk-offs that are around it running because they got their heads up their ass and he go, there's people who could really run this country financially, wizard money-wise. They would never let those fucking people do it. Yeah. You know those people, you gotta break a fucking egg to make an omelet once in a while. You gotta do some kinky shit even if you know. To get into that realm of money, somebody's gotta get hurt. Do you think eventually they're gonna have to like let people like that because now we're getting to the place where everyone's gonna have a paper trail, like not even just what they spent, what everything they've said is gonna be recorded from the time they're eight, essentially.

So like no one's gonna, like you won't be able to run for president like now, but then they're gonna know, it's a hacky comedian joke, but everyone's like, they're gonna know like your YouTube comments. So like if you say the N word on YouTube, like people would now would get mad at you, but it's crazy. Listen, bro, you know, this is, it's a different world now. It really fucking is a different world, but I've always believed that you excused whatever the person did as long as he's doing a great job. You know, the mayor of fucking San Diego, that fucking guy was a freak. He's choking women, drooling on him, fucking body tackling these motherfuckers. There's a limit. You follow me? There's a limit where you can't go forward, but there's some people who've made mistakes

early on. They're young or made a stupid mistake. I'm not talking about a fucking gang rape. That's not a fucking mistake. You know, you're a fucking animal. You're a barbarian. If you sit around with five guys and ask rape, some fucking girl, that's a barbarian. That's not a mistake. That's in your DNA. Somebody fucked up there. They got to throw you in jail for 20 years. But there's people who have made mistakes that didn't know whatever. Why not? Why not? All those fucking presidents have made mistakes. Now we're up in their fucking assholes. Now we're up in their assholes. We looked into the presence. There were people that were presents in the 1800s. They were all slave owners. They all did fucking fucked up shit, whatever was the

fucked up shit in those times. You know, Kennedy was a bootlegger, whatever. You know, a lot of other people, but how can you judge somebody by that? It's like getting an attorney. You ever have a squeaky, clean attorney who really believes in the law? That guy's going to get eaten the fuck up. You need a guy that believes in the law, knows how to twist them, raise the reasonable doubt. And at the same time, he's got to be a savage. He's got to know the DA. He's got to know how to cut a deal. Come here for a second. Listen, you're the, you know, when you're a fucking, whatever the fuck you call it, one of those people, an attorney that represents a lot of people. What do you call those people? A public attorney, public defender. What do you think? You got 90

fucking caseloads. You got 90 caseloads and you're working against a DA and you just cut deals. You know what I'm saying? Look, Lee is a black kid. Lee is some fucking black kid from some fucking school or whatever the fuck he is. He's got no parents. He's got no fucking hope. You know, give him 20 fucking years. What do you care? The other kid, he's got hope. He's got, you know, you cut deals. You know, right now, Lee, if you God forbid hit somebody in the head with a fucking pipe, okay, and you got a regular schmuck attorney or you paid 30,000 for a fucking Jew from Beverly Hills, you know the fucking difference in court. You get what you pay for. It's a shame in this country. There's a thousand, hundreds of thousand people in fucking prisons because they didn't get

the right representation. Is that a big deal? Not that nobody looks at them because nobody knows that world unless you're a criminal. Nobody knows that world unless you're a criminal. You know, how come you could have vehicular manslaughter and get six years and I could have vehicular manslaughter and get two years? That happens in this country. That happens because you could pay for a better defense. You could pay for investigators. You could pay for, do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? If I just have one guy, yeah. So if I fucking smacked somebody and you smacked somebody, I could probably get a better deal because maybe I could afford an attorney for $10,000. You ever see those fucking ads for DUIs? Yeah. That will get you off a DUI. There's so

many variables to a fucking DUI that we don't know about. We'll go in there on our own because we don't have fucking money. You got a DUI. What cost you on a DUI is the attorney. The fines and all that shit, that's what you'll pay if you don't have a good fucking attorney. You know Heather McDonald, Heather McDonald, her sister at 10 years ago was the top DUI attorney in Los Angeles. She had all the fucking Hollywood stars. If a Hollywood star got an attorney, that's what they would fucking call it. Yeah, they never really get in trouble. So it's not because they're celebrities, it's because they can afford good lawyers. They can afford representation. They got a backbone to the story. This is what happened. He had a rough day, your honor. He lost a pilot. He doesn't

drink. He'll go into a rehab. There's two fucking systems. If you got busted for four ounces of coke and I got busted for four ounces of coke in today's world, I would beat you up. Why? Because I know the whole system, what to do. I know the thing exactly what to do from the day I get busted on. There's a process that you do. If you get arrested with four ounces of blow in your car and let's say you haven't bagged up, anything over 20 ounces is possession and distribution. If they catch the baggies, like let's say you go and buy, you go to some dude's house and you buy four grams of coke and they sell you four baggies and you get pulled over. You're gonna get pulled over for possession and distribution because you had four baggies. But they were mine. I'm not selling.

But they're wherever they're four baggies. Okay. There's always different fucking variables that you have. Some guy might get arrested. He's hooked on blow. He wants to just come out and snort blow. I know that if I get arrested for blowing a DUI, the first thing I do when I get out is go to a rehab. Oh shit. You go right to a rehab. You don't even play. You don't stop. All those things matter. Yeah. All those things go into play in front of the fucking judge. You follow me. There's so many fucking things that go into play. Now let me ask you this. You're, I mean, it's obvious with your last name that you're Hispanic, but to look at you, you passed, you could like, everyone thinks you're Italian and stuff like that. Did you ever run into that? Did the

judge ever be like, Oh, well, you're Spanish or like, not probably not say that to you. But did it, does it make a difference? Cause when you said that if you had coke and I had coke, I would think the white Jewish kid would have a little bit of a better chance than a Spanish guy has already been to jail. Well, again, I might get an attorney that'll cost a fucking that'll cost and he'll do different investigating. Okay. And get me the fuck out. You know, listen, when I got arrested for the kidnapping, there had been another kidnapping in Boulder. Now it wasn't a kidnapping. There was a Cuban kid that was going to University of Colorado. You can look it up. I don't know what the kid's name is in 1987. He was going to University of

Colorado on a Pell Grant and all this shit. But what he was doing, he was going to Miami on the weekends again, coke and bring it back to Boulder. Nobody fucking knew about it. But one day they found this car covered with blood. They never saw him again, never found them again. So they called it, it was a sloppy play operation. So they called it a drug rip and they had, they never found this body. Like I said, you want a body to disappear, Colorado is the place to be. You put peanut butter in this fucking pocket, put some fucking saltings in his toes, take them up to the fucking mountain and that's it. That's it. The bears, the fucking coyotes, everybody will take a piece out. There's no DNA. Look, it's been one, it's been what?

They kidnapped them and killed them in 1987. They never found the fucking body. 25 fucking years ago. That's it. Once the snow comes down, you're done. Once that snow hits that ruins that whole fucking DNA, he's just out there. The beauty of it, when I went to court the first two times, they pointed that at me to raise my bail, to leave me in jail longer, even though they knew I didn't do it. I didn't know the kid. At that time, yeah, there was two other kids. There was that kidnapping where they, and there was this other guy that, okay, what he said was he had two broken legs. I forgot what this guy's name was when he said the cop, they were trying to kick his door down. So he jumped off the balcony. And when he jumped off the balcony, he broke both his

legs. So he took him to jail. Trust me, I've been paranoid a thousand times where I almost jumped off the fucking balcony. And that's what I think happened. When I seen it in the paper, I go, this motherfucker got so paranoid. He just jumped off the fucking building. But that wasn't a fucking thing. That wasn't the case. The case was that somebody knocked on his door and tried to rob him and he jumped off. Okay. So by the time I got arrested, they were using those two. They said, in the courtroom, they said, they said three things. They said, one, he's, uh, uh, he's being whatever for kidnapping, kidnapping, the Spanish kid that's missing. And he's under investigation for, and I'm like, what are you talking about? And then they said he's part of a Cuban crime

wave. Like he's part of the Cubans that came. And I'm like, I came in 60 fucking six. What are you talking about? 79 Marielito. And you were six. And I'm fucking three. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? But that's what they have to say. You know, that's what they have to say to keep me the fuck in there. They had no, no, no proof that I had kidnapped anybody or anything like that. Hit me with some musically. It's Monday. I want to be around. Light some candles. You got spirits fucking watching you all week. I'm like, well, I don't have a camera. I got a fucking joint. I'm going to fucking roll here. That's all I got. Cocksuckers get it together. Hit it. Monday. This weed is fucking delicious. Tony better for you. Cocksuckers. Oh shit.

I like smoking weed in the morning. We haven't told you. You know what? I would never have guessed that about you. I think you're a Pilates and a cup of green tea kind of guy. I like green tea. You know what I did this weekend? What? I fucking relaxed. You what does what does relax me for you? 200 pages? I had to do what? Did you write like 200 pages and like, I can't imagine you relaxing. I wrote a little bit. I hung out with the wife. I hung out with the kid. I shot this documentary. You know, I felt bad because the people from Death Squad came in, Yuck Nasty and Joe Amitsu, my girl, a couple of people coming in. I didn't get to see him. I know they had a good time.

They went to the ice house Friday night. They went to the comedy store Saturday. Last night, they all went down to Bray to see Joe. Until they went to go into the ice house for kill Tony. You know, I got a big fucking daggers. I got another text. I got more big shit today. So they called me for a fucking movie to be the dog that saved Easter with Dean Cain. Really? You're doing another one movie? Why not? You know, I got to keep them coming. I got a couple of my insurance every fucking year. That's great. Yeah, it's great. That's what I want to fucking do. You were so pissed to the last time we did it. You had to just either have the knee surgery or just turn your knee. Did you know when I did it? No, I didn't know you. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah,

the last one you did, I was with the same people. You had to see the hurt your knee or was about to have the knee surgery and they made you fall like 20 times. So did I know you then? I think so, yeah. Yeah, we hanging out. And he called me and you're like, they hit me fucking fall down 18 times. Money's broke. Money's broken. I was like, kill that guy. I wasn't gonna kill that fucking guy. He's never called me again. That director since that night. He knew not to call me again. I think even Dean Cain was pissed at me too after that night because I told him, motherfucker, go fuck them. So we're doing it again. Fucking you got me. I got in my car and I left and I talked to nobody. Here they are. Here they are. But what we're talking about. Oh, you relaxed this weekend.

I relaxed. I shot that thing. You know, man, I was on the road for three weeks fucking straight. I'm 50 years old. I'm tired. I'm tired. I went to Jiu-Jitsu three times last week. I went to the Y once, you know, I had to drop off packages for an agent. You know, it was fucking hot. The heat sucked it out of you. I tell you, I went to Jiu-Jitsu Thursday day. I thought I was gonna die. Oh, yeah. I was gonna die to the heavy scene though. No, no, the guy I see, but the heat is down on the you know, heat rises or something. But when I got there, it was so hot on the ground that I was doing hip escapes and I could fucking huff and puff. It was horrible. And they got some new fucking blue belt in there that just drew me to fuck around. I mean,

it was amazing. You know, it really is amazing, but I'm getting better. At least I go three. You can see it. I could at least wrestle now for three fucking minutes without dying. You know, I could at least hold you down or try to pass your guard or you know, so I'm getting better. Three minutes is a lot. People don't think it is, but like to be rolling around and like trying to control someone for three minutes. I don't know what's harder being on stage for three minutes or rolling around for fucking three minutes. Because three minutes sounds like three fucking minutes. Yeah, believe me. When you're on stage, it's a fucking eternity. Yeah, go slow. God damn, it's a fucking eternity. You can't believe how fucking time slow when you're up on stage. But it's

that's it. I just wanted to relax, man. I relax with the baby, the baby had a great day with her yesterday. You know, I'm going to take a swimming today. Today's a swimming class of 420. Today and Wednesdays are swimming classes. You know, tomorrow I'm going to shoot all day for Fox. Oh, cool. I'm going to shoot some sports promos for Fox when my buddies call me. I got like three promos. I'm going to shoot tomorrow for like football stuff. I think for college football. Oh, that's cool. So I got that going on this week and Thursday I go to fucking New York, you know, and that's tough. That's why I really wanted to relax a lot because I know that a lot of people are going to the shows, but I know that I have to see my family. I got to get off the plane

Thursday and I got to go see Carmine. I'll probably see Carmine? Yeah, right off the bat. I got to go see him. I got to bring them baby pictures and the pictures from the set with the narrow and then I'm going to give them to him and then probably see George and go eat a chance and I'm going to go home and relax for an hour or two. Then I got to be at the Palms with my man Anthony Spina and shit. And he's got like a prime rib and fucking crab legs. I'm going to go to Art Lang and then, you know, he also invited me. I got invited to Dian Sawyer's taping. Now, let me tell you something. You know, I got a lot of little shit to do. My shows aren't until 1145, so I could probably do Dian Sawyer. Just got to see where it is and whatnot. Fucking Dian Sawyer. Let me tell you

something. I watch Dian Sawyer every night. That's what people don't know. At 6.30, fucking everything ends. The phone don't ring no more. I put it on vibrate. You think I'm kidding? I listen to Dian Sawyer like fucking like and I'll tell you what, if I go to the show and I take a picture with Dian Sawyer, I will put that in my wallet before my wife. And every time you fucking yep, he's giving me a hard time. I will show you that picture and melt you motherfuckers. Are you going to make it like a sign? Like I love you, Dian? Oh, fuck yeah. I'm going to wear a suit and everything. That's my girl dog with that little. I love her haircut. I love it. She's got the cutest fucking haircut and how she, she's just, she's so smooth. You know, she's so fucking smooth and so

good at what she does. You know, I hate when they have a Zadarapola sign, the fucking Greek guy, I like him. I like him, but I like Dian Sawyer. I want to talk to Dian Sawyer. I want to see some fucking guy with Dian Sawyer. What did this start? I just, I can't even imagine you having like a crush on Dian Sawyer. It's not about a crush. It's about knowledge. She's a badass motherfucker. You know, when you're a badass motherfucker, it's just, that's just the way you are. There's a couple of news people that are badass motherfuckers that you look at and you go, this motherfucker ain't fucking around. I'm not those guys on KTLA or eyewitness news, not those fucking Harvey Homoes. I'm talking about real, like the guys from 60 Minutes, the chick from 60 Minutes who got raped

and beat up in whatever, two or three years ago. That fucking girl's a badass with the English accent and whatever she's from. I'm one of her biggest fans, man. I watched 60 Minutes just because of that woman. The guys on, not the fucking old guy at the end with the bushy eyebrows. He could suck my dick. I think he's dead. You fuck him. Maury, Maury, Schaefer and all those guys. Fuck him with his fucking eyebrows trying to be cool at the end of 60 Minutes to make me feel fucking stupid. Fuck you. Best thing about 60 Minutes is they always, it comes on. He goes, you're watching 60 Minutes. He goes, I'm Morty Schaefer. I'm out. Well, I'm whatever at the end. I don't know if we can sit with my buddy Rod. You know, the one I used to ask for blow jobs.

Yeah. Ooh, and we're sitting at his house after dinner one Sunday. This is 30 years ago. We're sitting at his house on a Sunday, and 60 Minutes comes on. It's like, hi, I'm Maury Schaefer, whatever. He goes, go fuck yourself, Morty. Right in front of his mother and father, we were in high school. I fucking died a laugh. Right in front of his fucking parents, I said, go fuck yourself. We fucking died. So I like good announces. I like good shit. Do they, I was thinking about like sports that aren't even news. Do they rehearse for that? Because it's going all day. It's fucking great. I don't know how they do it. They have the teleprompter. You know, so you look at the teleprompter and it's got the camera.

So you look at the teleprompter and you're reading, I hear you, the fucking line is down. I'm going to tell you what today is. I told you, I didn't remember till this morning. What? 24 years ago today, I was married. No way. Yeah, September 9th of 1989, 99 of 89. Shit. I don't know. Like, what does it feel like? 24 years. What do you want to say when it feels like?

What? Tell the truth. I understand why she was mad. I understand why she got divorced. I understand why, you know, the child doesn't talk to me anymore. I understand. I understand more and more every day about that situation, but the wedding was the beginning of the end, like the wedding proved that she didn't know till the wedding. At the wedding, I ruined her fucking day. Like, I ruined her big day. You did? Yeah. Once you ruined somebody's day, it's pretty.

How'd you ruin it? You know, I had just gotten out of prison. I got a pregnant. I had a great job. I was making money. You know, I talked to Halfway House and to let me go to San Francisco for the honeymoon and all this shit. And it was just a ploy to snort coke with my friends. You know, my friends came out and at the fucking wedding, I had a snort. I didn't give a fuck about kidnapping Bella or what I'd done. Or, you know, I never thought about those things, you know, and at the honey, I remember us getting on the plane and she knew I was coked up.

Yeah. Oh, shit. We had a call. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Good morning, my brother. Good morning, Joey. How you doing, brother? You know, man, I'm over here with the flying Jew talking about fucking criminals and

Diane Sawyer and all this other bullshit that we talk about on Monday mornings. But I'm happy you called. What's happening, Kyle? Give me something good, brother. 6.45 a.m. How you feeling? I'm feeling pretty fucking tired, Joey. I'm not gonna lie to you. What time did you go to sleep? Uh, I don't know, like two. What did you do last night?

What does everybody do at two o'clock in the morning? Absolutely nothing. No, did you go out drinking last night? I'm saying no. No, right? No, no, of course not. I'm not that cool. You kidding? It's funny because who am I? Tell these guys who you are, Kyle. What's how do you I say your last name? I don't want to say it in a subtle body here. Ah-ho.

Ah-ho. Okay. Are you are you? Yeah, it's it's a feeling for you're gonna have a terrible childhood. All right. All right. So you're from Finland. Where are you from? I am originally from Minnesota. Okay. No, no, that's right. That's right. We had this yesterday. Yeah, we have North Derry. I hate you. The reason why I have Kyle on his name is Kyle. I hold on. I'm just, he wrote a great book named Parasite Lost.

Soldiers of misfortune, Parasite Lost. But I'm going to tell you what it says about the author, which I was reading yesterday. It says, Kyle has taken upon himself to exercise his vivid imagination and hone his skills required to share that imagination with the masses as a digital artist and writer. He hopes one day to build an empire based on all the crazy things in his head. He's an avid practitioner of Brazilian jiu-jitsu and a full-time dork. I fucking love that, bro. I fucking love it.

Yeah, you gotta come up with something. No, but the way you say dork, I mean, you're not a dork, but you're a, I love you, Kyle. I go to, I was just telling them I went Wednesday and I got beat up and, you know, you've taken care of me from day one and I always, you're a great kid. And, you know, we always talk about work and what you do and you're a digital artist. And one day you go to me, bro, I wrote a book and I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, you're, you know, you're a graphic designer or what? I don't even know what I call it.

And you're like, no, I wrote this book. Kyle, I'm blown the fuck away. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Yeah, it's been a long journey. I'll tell you that. Now, how long did it take you to write this book? Well, to be honest, I started it in high school, originally.

But the problem was I didn't get a whole lot of feedback. Like it's, it's hard to get people on board with something that they aren't familiar with. I mean, you know how it is when you're trying to get something off the ground. So I didn't get a whole lot of positive feedback. And I was looking into the publishing world at the time and everybody tells you that it's impossible to get into that you can't make a living as a writer. And that you might as well not even try because what's the point? You know, it's just similar to actors.

You know, actors, they tell them, no, sure, you have a dream, go chase it, but you're probably not going to make it big. I mean, you've been there. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, please. So, you know, I wrote a decent portion of it. And I just kind of put it on the back burner for a while because I didn't think it was going to go anywhere.

And I figured, I mean, I should probably learn a real world skill. So I can have a big boy job because I can write any day of the week. You know, you don't have to necessarily go to school to learn how to write. It helps, but you don't have to. So I put it on the back burner for a while and I didn't really think it was going to go anywhere. And eventually, one of my friends, whose opinion I hold very dearly, had heard about it and wanted to read it. I'm like, well, it's not done.

So tough shit. And they're like, OK, well, why don't you go fucking finish it? And I was like, OK, I guess I will. And then, of course, I lost my job and had been unemployed for the past four months. So that gave me enough time to finish writing it and publish it and get it out there. And I've been very fortunate that the reception has been very positive so far. And I'm very thankful for that. Brother, you did something that's, and it's with anything.

Can you imagine going home tomorrow, Kyle, and telling your mom and dad, I'm quitting everything. I'm going to be a jujitsu instructor. So look at you and go, are you fucking crazy? And it's everybody. Exactly. It's every parent, everything you want to do. We're just talking about why do people submit themselves to a job

to deal with a shitty fucking boss, shitty conditions. They lie to you sometimes. And then there's people who go, you know what? I'm not doing this no more. I'm going to be poor for five years. I'm going to do what I want to do, get it up off the ground up. And it sounds a lot easier than what it is to do. Five years sounds like a fucking eternity.

You know, but it really isn't. It really fucking, and you're a young guy. I mean, I am so proud of you. You know, you go to jujitsu, you do the center, write a book. I've been trying to write a book for fucking two years. I got maybe 10 fucking pages, maybe 10 pages. And you outline and you erase it. I'm sorry.

No, I was just going to say that it's, I think the hardest part is just doing it. You know, Nike, that's, that's their fucking thing is just do it, right? The hardest part is just sit down and crank it out. Because you got all these, these, these voices in your ear telling you, it's not going to work. It's not going to happen. You know, you start to doubt yourself and really until you just, you get that push, you get that inspiration from somewhere.

That's the fucking hardest part. You know, It's, uh, you sit there. Did you, now you used word, WordPress you told me? Uh, yeah, I just did in Microsoft word. Microsoft word. I've been trying. Yeah.

My computer fucks up. I finally went on this site. It's called illift, illift.com. And they break a book down into scenes, chapters, characters. So that's been helping me a little more lately. So I've been just, you know, I've been writing a paragraph here. And it's good because I can have four chapters open at once. Oh, that's awesome.

So I could dig into the chapters. Like, I don't feel like writing this chapter today. I thought of something for this one. And I'll tell you, it is just, and when you told me you wrote it, I took it home. You sent it to me first. My wife put it on Kindle and I've never used Kindle before. And I get on the fucking plan. I can't scroll the pages.

So I was stuck on the first fucking page. So I couldn't read the book. Now you gave it to me and I have the hard copy here with me. And I'm looking forward to this five hour flight to fucking New York because that's the only time I could read. But I mean, uh, you know, I looked at a couple of chapters last night. You got a character named Alistair. I love it.

You even use some MMA fucking references. You know, I love what you did. And I'm so proud of you, Kyle. You're a great fucking guy. You're fucking deadly in jiu-jitsu. What's going on with the jiu-jitsu? Are you doing this next no-gee tournament? Uh, no, I'm not doing that one,

but I'm doing legend at the John Jock tournament where they're going to, it's going to be all creepy. They have like two men enter one man leave and they just going to broadcast it over the internet. That's going to be pretty cool. That's one of that Saturday or Sunday coming up here. This week coming? This weekend, yeah.

Oh shit. And is it Sunday or Saturday? I don't even know. They haven't sent me the schedule yet. I think it's Sunday. I'm not positive though. You know, we go, I've been going to martial art things for a long time and out here when I was 400 pounds,

I joined the school on Vermont. And then from there, I went to this kickboxing school up by us, you know, Muay Thai America. And that was great place, you know, and then somebody there referred you guys for jiu-jitsu and it's down the block from my house and it's easy to go to. But I got to tell you something, all the places I've been to, nobody was ever involved.

Like I went there to go work out Kyle and I didn't really want to be that involved in it, but nobody was really involved with me. So it was like I talked to the people I was there and I went home, you know, and this is at Muay Thai America and this is at the other place I went to and then Vermont and Hollywood. This is the only place where I'm friends

with 10 of you guys off the mat. Yeah, you know, a lot of gyms, the dynamic is very different. Some people just like to go in and beat face and other people, there's like a family atmosphere, I think. You know, we like to foster that family atmosphere because it makes it a lot easier to get on the mat with people. I mean, you get in your ass handed to you every day. You gotta know these people and you gotta like them, you know?

It really is. I mean, I go in there and I beat myself up, I go home and I feel bad about myself and I forget that I'm 50 and that you guys are young guys, but you guys are all fucking gentlemen in there. You know, you guys could- You're fucking savage, Joey. I don't know what you're talking about getting yourself beat up.

Oh my God, you guys are fucking stronger than that. I've never experienced that type of shit. It's, for me, I've never wrestled. I never did anything like that. I always played football. I played basketball, but that much contact with somebody. And at the end, to look up and look at you and our geese are all fucked up and for us, they'll be giggling and high-fiving.

I've never had that, Kyle. And I'm doing it with people that are half my age. So, you know, when I was fucking 25, I'd see a 50-year-old go, look at this creepy motherfucker and I wouldn't talk to him. You guys have opened your home up to me. You know, when I- No, we think you're creepy, too.

Oh, I know, I know. When I go, when I can't go on a Monday night, because I have the laugh factory, it hurts me. Like, it hurts me. Like, I go, fuck, I want to go see those guys. Like, you know, we live in- It's like Pringles, right? Like what?

It's like Pringles, right? Yeah. You get one class in and you're like, oh, fuck, I got to do that again. I got to do that again. But you can't. You know, the box is empty, the tube is empty. It's such a great, nurturing place over there. You know, John Budd, you know, I don't know who-

He's great. He's as dippy and I love him through all. He's just a laid-back guy, Marcelo's funny. John Evans, a fucking technical savage. You know, it's just, it's been a great ride, man. Thank you for making it fucking great down there for me. Well, thank you for being there, man. It's so fucking easy and it's just amazing.

And each one of you has all these different things going on. And you, with this book, and as soon as you told me you had a book, I said, I'm putting you on the fucking podcast. Because you blew my mind. You blew my mind, Kyle. Trust me, it takes a lot to blow my mind. When you told me you wrote this fucking book, I was like, that's amazing.

I've been trying for two fucking years. It's rough, man, when you're trying to live life and do something that you want to do and keep food on the table, but you just got to hunker down and do it. So where are you selling this book now, Parasite Lost? Right now, you can download a digital version off of Amazon for $3. You can buy a paperback version off of Amazon. For retail is $5.50.

I think they're charging like $4.95, because they like to make everything cheaper because they're Amazon. I don't know what the deal is behind that. And then obviously shipping, if you're in LA and you bump into me, I usually have a copy or two on me. You can just buy one off me for $5. But most people are going to find it on Amazon. I've been talking to a couple of different retailers around the area.

Some people might start to pick it up. Not sure on that though. If you want to keep up to date on everything, you can check out the Facebook, Soldiers of Miss Fortune Universe, just facebook.com, backslash, Soldiers of Miss Fortune Universe. Or you can follow us on Twitter at, excuse me, SOM underscore books. And that's going to have all the latest and greatest

on whatever I'm coming up with at the time. Now, are you having any book signings? Like are you going to do any of those live things that I love to help you? I love to maybe we're doing a live podcast in the 20th, up at the ice after the Friday night. And you're always welcome wherever I am. You know that? Oh, no shit.

Anything I could do to help you, man. Like I said, I wrote one chapter of it. I read one chapter of it. I'm going to give it to my wife. We're going to switch and read. My wife loves all this stuff. You know, my wife loves sci-fi and the whole thing. So she's got the Kindle now.

I got the hardcover. And I want to have you back here again. Because like I said, man, you blew my... I mean, you blow my mind with the Jiu-Jitsu. To get my mind blown with the book. And then I read a little bit of it last night. I'm like, this fucking guy could write, too. You know, I haven't...

I love that you say that. I mean, thank you. I appreciate that. I haven't gotten a whole lot of feedback yet. The only real feedback I got was from my mom. She goes, you know, Kyle, I didn't think I was going to like it. Because most of the stuff you write is just bad. But this was really good.

So coming from my own mother, I mean, that glowing review, if that doesn't sell it for you, I don't know what does. Well, Kyle, the beauty here that I'm selling is what you did. Is that, you know, you just sat down and did something. You were a young guy. You're 23, 22? 23, yeah. You know, you know how many people listen to this podcast,

to your age, that they're lost. They're scared of doing something. And that's why I brought you on. To show these people that, fucking, you can do whatever the fuck you want, man. Especially today, you want to write a book. You want to make a movie. You don't need no $2 million.

You just need three or four fucking friends, a few Puerto Ricans, some bottled water, some Oscar Maya Salami, and fucking people come down because they know you have an outlet now. You have YouTube. You have all these fucking places that you could, you don't have to be stuck anymore. And this is why I put you on, Kyle.

Let these fucking people know that you had this thing. Your buddy pushed you to write it. You finished it. It's not like a term paper that sits in your computer. You made it happen. You're 23, right? What's that? How old are you?

23. If you did this at 23, do you know what you're going to be doing at 30? All right. You know, I hope a lot more. That's the plan. You're going to be doing some fucking great things, man. So anything we could do for you here at the church

or what's happening now, I'm very proud of you. Is there a webpage for this? There is not a webpage. Okay. There's the Facebook. I mean, nobody actually gives a shit about the author or the book itself. They just want to get all the pictures of people

and free offers and shit like that. So right now I have a Facebook. Let me ask you something. Do you know the guy that wrote Silence of the Lamb? Thomas Harris? I do not know him personally. Me neither. I bought my three of his fucking books.

The beauty about today is, Cal, that they're buying you. And that's what I want them to do with this book. They're buying you. You're a great young man. What you've done is fucking tremendous. A lot of people have dreams. I had fucking dreams at 28. I didn't even, you know, when I wanted to do stand-up,

Cal, it took me three years to get on stage, you know. But you did it. Three fucking years though it took me, Cal. Three fucking years, but I mean, that's a lot. I mean, it's single. How many people have tried and failed? And but you kept trying. You kept moving in and you did it.

You know, that's what people got to do. That's why I go to Jiu-Jitsu, Cal, because I know I suck, but I also suck when I got on stage the first time. So I know I just kept going back. You know, I just kept going back and going back and going back. And pretty soon I was getting on stage two times a week, and then I was getting on stage three times a week. And this is it.

This is what people forget that we have to stick with shit. No matter, because five years could either go by fast or it could go by real fucking easy. I was talking to Lee's girlfriend yesterday, and she just got into law school at USC. And I'm like, first off, you don't, you're not going to believe how fast is going to go for you. You know, what you think is a big commitment isn't really.

Three years is fucking fast. Kyle, one minute I... Like a blink. Yeah, one minute I was graduating high school. The next minute I was fucking on, you know, like nine years just took off. Like your life goes on like nine year chunks. You date somebody, you've got a job, and all of a sudden it's five years later.

So three years is nothing in the fucking... So how long did it take you to finish it once you put your head to it? Once I really like hunkered down and was thinking about it, it was probably like a, I'm going to say, like a five to six month process of actual like nose, nose in the book, writing and editing and stuff. I didn't have an editor, so I had to do it myself because I'm broken shit. But it's, yeah, it was about five to six months of like actual work,

which I think is pretty good. Now let me ask you, is there a second book on the horizon? You know what? I am about 10,000 words into the second book. There you go. There you go. So now you're in. That's it. You're the next fucking Thomas Harris. You don't even know it. I hope so. We'll see what happens. Did you finish...

Did you finish the other guy's book yet? Which one? Kujo. Stephen King's book. Stephen King. Yes, I did read on writing. I was actually, you know, I should have read it 2020 hindsight. I probably should have read that before writing a book. But you know what?

You'll even learn. What did you think of it towards the end? What did you think of it? Because when I spoke to you like he's talking, he's not getting into the nuts and bolts. What did you think after like a page like 150 gets in deep, doesn't he? It was, yeah, I thought it was really fucking... Like I don't, I told you I'm not a huge Stephen King fan

and any literary buff can feel free to send me hate mail. I don't really care. I'm not a huge Stephen King fan, but you can't argue with the guy's success. And I wasn't particularly interested in his life story, which is what the first half of that book was. I mean, it was interesting, especially towards the end when he got into all the crazy crap that happened to him at the hospital.

But his advice for writers was amazing. I would actually highly recommend that to anybody who wants to get into the craft, even though I'm not a huge fan of him as an author. Yeah, I mean, you liked it, right? Those are some good nuggets for you too. You know, man, it's so weird how when I first got here, comedy writing, writing, writing pornography,

writing about jujitsu, it's writing, you know? And you go to Samuel French and you buy all these books on writing. And as you know, all those books, you could wipe your ass with it because if you want to get better at writing, it's just like jujitsu and it's just like comedy. You got to write. Yeah, it's math time. Yeah, it's math time.

You got to keep writing and writing and writing and writing. And you look back at the shit you wrote three years ago and you fucking want to delete it and throw your computer out the window. Thank God you've evolved because that's what happened. I started writing with blogs six years ago. My thing was a blog every Monday. Oh my God, if you could find my own MySpace

and look at those blogs in the beginning, you will see punctuation of death, spelling. I didn't know what spell check was. I had forgotten. It wasn't the last time I fucking wrote when I was in college. 30 years ago, a joke, you write, you get a premise and as you're driving, the tag comes and you go on stage and you work out tags.

That's how I thought I was supposed to write. But writing is writing. It's math time. There's no two ways about it. It's getting on there. For years, I wrote the Gene Perret books. I wrote the I read the Judy fucking Carter books and I remained a limbo.

Once I started writing it, it became a different animal to me. It helped my stand up and helped everything. And I know you know what I'm talking about at first. You're like, I'll read a bunch of books on writing. They don't do dick for you. So, but the Stephen King book, it put everything in perspective to me. That guy's a fucking animal.

That's John Jock. Oh yeah, totally. 10,000 words a day. He works every fucking day. He described his writing area. I mean, it's just he was fucking superb. So, brother, if there's anything I could do for you, I'm very proud of you.

And this is things that society has forgotten that when something's not working, you go to plan B and look, you went to plan B and it's going to become plan A in your life. Man, I have a funny feeling. Exactly. I'll see you tonight. Yes, you will sir.

So where they find you? How can they buy this book right now today? How can they get it for the three bucks? Amazon, head over to Amazon, type in parasite loss. I think I'm the third option right now. Hopefully that'll be the top option soon. And three bucks, you can download it onto your Kindle.

If you don't have a Kindle, it's not a big deal. You can download the Kindle app for free off of Amazon. It works on basically every computer, smartphone, tablet that you can think of. I read on my phone all the time. I read on the subway on my phone. So I would, I mean, highly recommend that it's, the books are a lot cheaper on Kindle.

And you can just one click, you download them, you can start reading right away. You don't have to go to a store. You don't have to worry about carrying anything around. So I would highly recommend it to anybody really, gives you something to do. It's better than playing video games. You know, works your brain a little bit.

And what I'm going to do is I'm going to read it this weekend. When I get back, I'll have you on like two weeks for a blurb and we'll talk about it. Right, brother? Sounds like a deal. Thank you very much, sir. Hey man, you're a fucking gentleman, a scholar and a savage.

You're a fucking savage, Joey. What are you talking about? And hopefully I'll see you tonight, buddy. Thank you very much for waking up early and calling and inspiring a bunch of motherfuckers because you inspired me when you told me I've been writing. So I even went on the LF because of you. So thank you, brother.

All right, no, thank you for having me, man. I really appreciate it. Anytime, my man. Have a great day. Stay black. You too, my man. Stay blacker. All right, bye.

Bye, buddy. Wow, 23, what a book. There you go, motherfuckers. There you go. I want you all today. Today, do me a favor. This kid's a great kid. This kid's a great fucking kid.

Yeah, let me look it up. And I tell you this in the bottom of my heart, this kid has taken me and then he could break my fucking neck 18 times. And he lets me fall on him and sweat bacon grease on him and all this shit. So I gotta help this kid out because he's a gentleman. And like I said, I've been to a thousand schools

where I've trained. This fucking place is this V-Mac place where we go on Burbank Boulevard. It's just, I'm telling you guys, you know, I go there, I let them beat me. I don't give a fuck anymore. What do I, I'm not going to get a blue belt. I'm not going to choke people out.

I'm just going to fucking get healthy. That's it. Yeah. I'm scared to play on people. And I don't mind passing your guard and wrestling. I know I'm in my lungs are going to get. So you don't have to fucking doctor call me. You know, I have a sleep apnea machine computer.

So I take the card out every 30 days and I put it and I mail a time and they sent me a new card. This is a report for how you're doing. Right. And they sent me a report and they sent my doctor report with a fucking doctor called. Yeah. And he said that this last thing, because I got lazy

and I missed the date. So I kept it for two months. So they said that I had no apnea. This is because I've been getting on my back. Guys, when you have that sleep apnea, you wake up choking. So I would wake up going. So in your mind, you don't want to be on your fucking back. And when you do get on your back, it bothers you.

It bothers your fucking soul. So I decided just like the acupuncture, they get over the needles that I had to do something on my back beside getting fucked. I got to do something. Sometimes guys, it cannot be all fucking serious. You know what I'm saying? I got to do something on my back. So I started doing jujitsu guys.

This is what I did. And it helped my fucking sleep apnea. Do you know that last week on the way back from Milwaukee, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, even Joe said. And that's big for you? That's big on a fucking plan to fall asleep. That's huge for a guy like me. I can't breathe.

So this sleep apnea is giving me more oxygen to my lungs. It's doing something. It's overcoming the fear I had of breathing. So this is what I'm getting out of jujitsu. I don't go on and get nobody to fucking hold my plot. I can't even get up. I can't even do a setup. You're not going to do the tournament this weekend?

No. What are you fucking? Bro, they would kill me. I can't even do the time. It sounded like you're sounding up over the phone. No. To the White Pell tournament. No.

Listen, dawg, when I get halfway decent, I will do an over 50 fucking tournament. Really? That'd be awesome. Yeah. And all. And the church will come down and we'll put a church patch on and we'll go down there.

And that's it. That'd be sick. The only way I could keep you guys intrigued is by fucking moving. People always ask me what happened to Joey Karate. He fucking died. If Joey Karate was still around, I'd be fucking embarrassed. You got to keep moving.

You got to keep fucking evolving every day. How am I going to get these fucks? These are kids that listen to this fucking podcast. I got to let them know I'm with you, motherfuckers. I'm with you. By the way, I got a fucking email Saturday about Dollar Shave Club that my package is in the fucking mail. So I should be getting it today, my new fucking razor.

This is what I'm talking about. This is why I like Dollar Shave Club. And the owner's calling on fucking Wednesday. Bam. Bam. How's that for you, motherfuckers? That's how much I believe in this fucking thing. Go to Dollar Shave Club.

What do they press in the box? Church. Church. Listen, they got a dollar plan, a six dollar plan, and a nine dollar plan. You know what's six times 12? 72. Boom.

A year. Four fucking razors, three fucking things on the razor. You got a little more stominky cream and your girlfriend can fucking use. That's a six dollar razor. The nine dollar razor, what else you get? You got a bunch of fucking shit. Nine dollar razor has aloe on it.

Has an extra blade. It's a four blade razor. $108. Bam. For the fucking year. And you got razors and your girlfriend's got razors and you got the fucking mush thing for your face. Who's better than Dollar Shave Club?

This is what I'm fucking talking about with you. No one is. Nobody is. So as I was telling you guys, when I think of today's anniversary, like just the whole day when I did to that girl. What I did to that poor girl. Now, at what point did you start thinking like that? Because I'm sure a few years ago you're like,

fuck that bitch on the end. You would go out and like fuck somebody. Yes, man. There's two sides to every fucking story. So these are the little things that I remembered over time. These are the little things I remembered after taping the testicle test events and talking shit. You know, that there was, I did things also.

I ruined that fucking wedding day. You know, my friends coming to Brasswood playing Colorado. They went to the hotel room and put the TV in the reception to have Broker Hart. You know, me doing blow. Broker Hart. This was a special day. A wedding is a girl's special fucking day.

And I didn't let it be special. So I understand that she was mad at me for years. You know, it was the first time you get married. You're a fucking Catholic. It's supposed to be the best time. You know? Yeah. So these were the things.

I wasn't ready to get fucking married. I was just looking for a fucking scapegoat to go down a fucking bad corner with me. At that time, I didn't know what I was doing. None of us don't. Yeah. At 27, but you know, I didn't know. I hope I know that's scary to me.

Like 27 seems old to me. 89. 89. I was 26 years old and I was fucking tremendously street smart. And I was tremendously savvy. But I was looking for somebody to support me. I was looking for somebody to do the work. Yeah.

And that's why I got married. You know, I was looking for somebody to pick up the thing with me so I could fan my balls and think of my mastermind empire. There's no empire. You know, when you're a jet, you're a jet for fucking life. And I didn't fucking know that. You know, I didn't know that. So I understand if she's mad or whatever.

You know, at that time, I wasn't looking to move straight. I was looking for somebody to take care of me. Somebody to her. And I'm not talking about take care of me like a mooch. I was looking for somebody to, I don't know. I don't know what I was looking for. But I wasn't looking for a wife for the right reasons. You know, and those are the things you have to learn

before you get married that I was looking for a wife to do laundry and to suck my dick and cook dinner. Not because I really wanted to be with her or nothing. You know. Yeah. What would you do if she called you today or like now? Now that you kind of apologized. I'd say, look, I'm sorry about today, but I'm burning my fucking shirt.

I need your shirt. Can I possibly fucking burn? That's why your dad wore a nice white shirt. I fucking took one bite or something. It splashed right on the fucking shirt. I would say I'm sorry. You know, the bigger the man, the bigger the fucking mistake.

Sometimes you got to say you're fucking sorry. You know, and it sucks. Do I want to hang out with him? We don't. I mean, no. But. But you wouldn't, you wouldn't start like freaking out at her? Like you used to be really pissed off.

I might. I might. I'm one of those people that, you know, once I'm mad, I haven't seen that little girl in a long time. I don't know what was told to her. I'm sure she feels the same way about a lot of situations, you know, that maybe. Yeah.

But right now we're both cutting the spot. Right now we're both behind the wall. So what are we going to do? Yeah. I don't even have a number. Really? I don't have those people's numbers. Well, I guess after the child support ends,

there's no really no reason to. Well, listen, in my world, I just want to be a dad at the time. You know? You know, I'm having a great time with this other monster. It was her eighth birthday yesterday. That's crazy to me. Thank you for the little present. He gave me a little SpongeBob SquarePants.

I was going to take it to the SpongeBob SquarePants fucking south festival celebration up at the Universal CityWalk. But it was like all the kids that were doing a table read. I don't want to see fucking Squidward without the make-up on. You know what I am? I don't want to see behind the curtain. That's the worst thing you can do to a fucking kid. It's like Tom on fucking Santa Claus is fucking Spanish.

You can't tell that to a fucking kid. That'll kill him. So that'd be terrible. No. Yeah. I mean, I just I was in CVS and I saw like a little beanie baby. And I was like, oh, oh, she loves SpongeBob. When I left this morning, she was torturing Terry

after a quarter to five by something. I don't know. I finally came in and took it and took it on the bed with me. She stopped. As long as she takes my earphones, she's fucking happy. Oh, really? She's raising my earphones and fucking spins them around and hits herself on the head.

You know? I'm fucking happy. Everybody's happy. Then the mother came in and got a shot. She can't be awake at five in the morning. She's going back to bed and you can see her looking at me like as she's going in the room like that. I thought you were putting Santana because I put music on.

And she looked like some shit. I can't wait till she's like six. You guys are going to tear something. You guys are going to go on like a wrecking crew. I'm going to tape my fucking comedy special. I'm just doing comedy for her. That's the new special tape. Just me and her talking.

Because I do comedy for her. She don't give a fuck. Listen, I tell her jokes to kill. She don't give a fuck. She's a sister and throws the bottle and shit. Look at she's eight months old. Well, at least react to me, you fuck. She don't even care.

I'm throwing heat at you. And she's just sitting there in the fucking baby chair looking around in the fucking room like I don't even exist. So this killed in Boston home with the Aerosmith and the Red Sox. She ain't going to go for that shit. But no, I thought about yesterday when I was doing the paperwork for the podcast. I thought about the wedding and shit.

The coke and what led up to it. And, you know, it was just all bad guys. The money I gave her for the ring was all made out of coke. You know, it was just I think about those times. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. And that's kind of what you were talking about earlier, giving a guy a second chance. Like it's kind of like people ask me sometimes

if it's weird working with something like you weren't in jail. Like that's scary to some people. And like, I'm like, it's so far removed from it. I can't even imagine you doing that stuff now. Like you're still crazy, but you're not crazy, crazy. It's the funniest thing how the stigma that you get by going to jail. And I think half the people I talk to belong to fucking jail

just being stupid. Just for a year, you know, just for a year. It's like that voiceover guy that can't work unless it's cold. Yeah. You know, it's like that voiceover guy that needs heat. Really? How about you do a voiceover in prison? See how cold the fucking air is in there.

It takes away all that shit, all little shit that I had. You know, I used to hate my fucking uncle. I wanted to kill my uncle. Yeah. You know, it wasn't because he didn't help me. He didn't give me money. My uncle told me the truth. My uncle broke it down for me,

like only Pink Floyd could on animals. You know, you got to get up off your fucking ass. I'm not going to help you. He said a bunch of shit that I didn't want to hear. But that shit straightened me to fuck up. And I heard that voice in jail. You know, I would call him from jail until I was going to kill him and all that shit and hang up on him.

That boy are my daughters. And I would hang up on him and all that shit. But I finally realized, like, I talk to my uncle now and I love him. Like, my uncle wants to do Thanksgiving this year. Just me, him, his girlfriend, my cousin, my wife, and the baby. That'd be great. Yeah. Because he's like, you know what?

That fucking baby's got me. I took him down a couple weeks ago to give him the Willie Nelson tickets. Yeah. And the baby gets stranger things like she cries. But I told my uncle, I told her in Spanish to kiss my uncle when she kissed my uncle. My uncle hasn't stopped talking about it. He's 74 years old.

Like, she's fucking beautiful. She's respectful. She kissed me, you know. So, me and my uncle didn't get along for all those years. And I know my uncle felt bad for not helping me. But he wasn't supposed to help me. The help he gave me was reading me the riot act, which was the world doesn't owe you fucking dick.

You know, I was very confused at 22, 23. I thought the world owed me a fucking living. The world don't owe you fucking dick. That's why I had this get on the fucking podcast today. Because the world don't owe nobody dick. It really doesn't. We think that in our head won't my fault. Fuck you and your father.

Fuck your mother. They're dead. They're not around. Now you got to get out there and fucking make it happen. The world owes nobody dick. And a lot of people, I talked to a lot of people that, well, LA, no, the world don't owe you dick. You got to get up every fucking morning from scratch

and kick these motherfuckers in the cunt. And let them know who's running shit. If not, you're done. And you got to do that every fucking day. And you got to tell yourself that every fucking day. It's not easy doing the cracking fucking jokes or doing this fucking podcast, whatever fucking people talking about, you know what I'm saying?

Who the fuck knows? I'm the highest fuckly. Oh my god. Are you stoned? Yeah, I'm stoned. What'd you say? And I've been up for 24 hours. Stop crying, cut something.

So what are you going to do? How are you going to get back to Santa Monica tonight? I'm going to take a camp. They're going to pay for it. You talk to these people here? I emailed them. Fuck, I came out one on Sunday for them. Fuck them.

I worked, I worked. My opposite shift for 12 hours on a Sunday. They can pay her for $80 cab. Or they can send a PA to pick me up. Either one. I'm fine with either one. Look, you're a fucking savage. You really coming out of your shell and proud of it.

I mean, if I come over here this weekend, I saw you sitting there with your girlfriend. You're a nice girlfriend. You're making it happen. Yeah, thanks. She's perfect. You miss Ashley? Fuck no.

Fuck that dirty bitch. I never dated Ashley. She lives here. But you want to just suck that fucking little stinky you filthy animal. You want to give that little bastard the debt, wouldn't you? No, never. All right.

No, I mean, it's cool. The first part of my day yesterday was awesome. Watched football in the morning with her. We went to her mom's house and she made me homemade tacos with homemade tortillas and had some ice cream cake and... What happened to the New England Patriots this weekend? We have no receivers. So did you play this weekend?

Yeah, we beat the Bills by two just barely. Who plays not a Monday night football? There's two games. There's San Diego and Houston. And then there's one more game. They're doing a lot of games. Like they're doing two Monday nights. The Patriots are playing the Jets on Thursday.

What's the second game? It's Washington and Philadelphia. It's exciting. I love football. She doesn't get it at all. You love it. That's why I thought, how the fuck is he going to work? I tried to watch the Dallas Giant game for a little while last night.

Yeah. Which I was watching that. But hey, the other thing is, don't forget, a fucking Hulu Plus. We got Dollar Shave Club out of the way. Now we got Hulu fucking Plus. Okay? Yeah.

For you motherfuckers who haven't done it yet, Hulu sent me a thank you again this week because a lot of you are signing up because you're finally getting through your brain. Hulu is great. Hulu Plus is even fucking better. You go on there for two weeks. You get it for absolutely free.

You get the shows. You got original programming. You get all the oldies. I mean, you got a bunch of shit on Hulu. My wife's hooked on it. That said, it's over. And then after two weeks, it's $7.95 a fucking month. Who's that?

That's $8 a month times 10. That's $96 a year for entertainment. I know people who pay that monthly. So get it together. $96 for the year. You got tremendous programming. Hulu Plus. Go to joeydeers.net and press Joey in the box.

Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Who the fuck did they think they're dealing with? You know what I'm saying? They're dealing with nobody. Oh, and they got a guy who's in the movie with you. They have one of Kevin Hart's specials on there.

On Hulu, all right. Yeah. I'm excited for that to come out. Oh, you really? Yeah, Christmas Day. You really? You're going to go? Yeah, I don't know if I'll go on Christmas Day,

but yeah, fuck you. You got to go on Christmas Day. You're with fucking De Niro. You're not going to go with your mom? I don't know if I'm true. Oh, the girl, she wants to go to New York for New Year's Eve, and I'm like, no. It's so fucking cold.

You want to stand outside for eight hours? She's like, it's snow. I've never seen snow. You don't want to see snow. Check out the fucking moments. I'll show you all the snow in the world. You never go to New Year's Eve from New York City. You don't want to see snow.

I grew up there, and I would never go down there with those fucking momos jumping around. I think they pay house to those people. Nobody goes down there. If you're from New York, you don't go down there. Oh, no. No one is from New York there. But like standing outside for eight hours

in the fucking snow. Oh, my God. But they're in the fucking refrigerators. There's some shit jumping up and down. She got kind of mad at me because I just said no, and I was like, but you don't understand. And I don't understand. You don't understand what you got to walk to them

for all that drama. People with armpit, drunk people bumping into you and shit. People running games in New York. People work all year round. They're fucking scammed for that night to go to New York and pickpocket your iPhone. Really? Yeah, man.

They were doing a target up here. One day they had a sign up. Your phone stole, and the target fucking come on up here. We'll give you a talk to a detective to call. They were rings. They go into these targets, and they take your fucking iPhones and shit. Oh, shit.

They pickpocket. Bless you. That's silly. Ah, bless you. Thank you, my friend. You're welcome. Yeah, fuck that. New Year's fucking across.

No. Those waspy people jumping up and down. Oh, my God. Get the fuck out of here. Stay at home. Suck your husband's dick. Fucking sparklers or whatever the fuck you do on New Year's. I fucking hate New Year's.

Really? I hate it. And what I like the past couple of years, they do a three-student marathon. Oh, tremendous. I love it. I love it. I love it.

That's all you fucking need. The ones with curly. Yeah. Curly's the fucking best. If curly would have had honor, he would have still been alive. Fucking, he's coming in next week. We're making a video.

Oh, cool. Carbry like a video for fucking honor. So I'm still on him, brother. You guys got to get your shit together. Damn. You know, if you're not eating the hemp horse protein, you're fucking slipping. If you're not taking the shroom tech,

I'll tell you what, the shroom tech is fucking really giving me the hand up in jiu-jitsu. That's giving me some breathing, at least. Now I can last three fucking minutes. I rest for two, and I can rest for somebody fucking else a couple of times. I love it. I love what I'm doing right now.

I'm not losing as much weight as I wanted to, but I know I'm getting stronger. I know my cardio's getting better, and I am losing weight. I have lost some weight. Well, sleep apnea makes you retain it a lot more. So I'm sure if that's getting better, then you're going to start losing weight.

Yeah, no, no, no. I got more energy. I went to the Y yesterday. I did the, when my wife went to church, because she didn't go to Catholic church. She went to the other church yesterday with the Christians or something. I didn't really want to go, because I feel embarrassed.

Why? Because my wife is trying to get the baby there. This is a daycare. It's a Christian daycare. The Jewish people are there. That's how good the daycare is. Like people drive an hour to put their kids at that daycare. Five.

And it's three blocks from my house. But it's a two-year waiting list. What? So I had to go. My wife has gone there the last couple Sundays. It's like 10 o'clock mass yesterday. She asked if I want to go, and then I got high and went to the Y when I was in the political machine.

I started thinking about next time she goes, I should go with her, because we're a family. I'll put a suitor on the whole fucking deal. But then I started thinking about the people that, what if one fucking person out of that congregation went to the ice house one night and saw me by mistake, and saw how dirty I was, or they put the podcast. You know how those people are sometimes, you know?

Yeah. What if they see me with my daughter and my wife? They probably won't let her into the fucking daycare. So you never know. You never fucking- You think about that stuff? Yeah, man. Because people think about that shit.

Like just like what you said. People say, hey, he did time. You know? To some people. Fuck. That's a- I don't- Listen, man. I'm the type of guy, maybe because I did time. But even before that, I didn't care if somebody did time.

In fact, one of my good friends is turning himself in today. A dear, dear friend of mine. And I talked to a friend of mine last night and told him to send me his address. Because he's a dear, dear friend of mine. I grew up in this fucking house. But we haven't spoken, like we speak on Facebook. We haven't really hung out in like 30, 25 years.

But I knew him. I knew his father. I knew his brother. I knew his sister. And he's turning himself in today to the federal. And I asked him for an address. And she goes, that's weird that you would ask for an address. Are you going to send them money?

I go, I'm going to send them money. I'm going to send them letters. Because I haven't had contact with them. So when he gets a letter from me, it'll mean that much more in here. I know what a letter means to somebody in prison. You know, I was in prison. There's all these little things I learned about prison.

I am ashamed of not going to prison. To a degree. You are? A third of me is. Okay. Like 6% of me is. But then when I think about that shame, I tell them to suck my dick.

Because if you don't want to be around me, then you do need to suck my dick. You know, going to the fucking prison is like a hitch in the fucking army. It builds character. It builds character for some people. Built my character. It taught me who the fuck I am today

and where I didn't want to be. For some people, that's what they want to fucking do. So, but there's still people who do judge on that basis that maybe went to prison. Yeah. Maybe got arrested. I don't give a fuck about those people. If they're going to judge something like that,

I don't want them around me anyway. Rather, they don't come around me. Do you know what I'm saying? I think it matters for the person though. Like, I feel bad, but there's this kid in the town I grew up in who just got out and he's been in and out for the past like 4 or 5 years. He's like a year older than me.

And like, he gets out and hit all on his Facebook. He's like, oh, I'm making changes. And then he find out he got arrested for breaking into a truck and trying to steal laptops. Listen, you can't listen to people. Yeah. You ever watch a UFC countdown? Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna punch him till he fucking submits. When he gets in there, nothing happens. What was all that talk for? I'm training. I'm stronger than ever. Me and my trainer have been running with a mask on to get who gives a fuck about a mask.

If you ain't getting punched in the face, you're doing the wrong fucking training. And then they get in there and you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, listen, fuck is fucking cheap. When I got out of fucking prison, I never said I wasn't going to go back in it because it's who I am.

Yeah. It could happen at any time. It's an occupational fucking hazard. You know, I'm a comic, but aka, I'm a fucking criminal. I run my empire. I run every fucking day like a fucking criminal. Yeah. So all you could do is make yourself better.

That's all you could do. You could let people, I hate that shit. It's like people who post on their Facebook that they're going for an audition. Just show me the finished product. You know what I'm saying? Post the fucking video of you standing next to the chicken, the chick from fucking friends.

I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? My uncle mad at me this week. Who? My aunt, because I put on some. You asked me this morning if it was, I don't know if it's Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur, but it's the Jewish New Year.

And the big thing to say happy New Year in Hebrew is Lashanah Tovah. Lashanah Tovah, that's right. And fucking every year on Facebook, 8 million posts. And whenever you go to a temple, because when I lived in Boston, I had to go because my mom wanted us to go.

Everyone says that to you when you walk in and out. And on these days, they have to take the temple and they open it up and they have 800 more chairs and everyone's going and shaking hands. But these people, they don't talk about it for the rest of the year. This kid's my age saying happy New Year. It bugs me.

It bugs me. And I put something up like, don't put it up if you're like, it's fake. I just, I can't stand it. Oh, you're like me. We hate the fucking, stop saying happy New Year when you're fucked. I'm blessed.

Yeah. I'm so blessed. I'm so blessed. I have a couple. I have so many blessings, but meanwhile you're fucking your assistant. You know what I'm saying? Behind your wife's back, but you're so fucking,

but just shut the fuck up. All right, don't come by. You're so blessed, you fucking douchebag. I'm so fucking blessed. This is what we put on here with the church. Don't fucking forget it, right? Friday and Saturday, February 13th. Oh, February 13th, September 13th.

This Friday, I'm at Gotham's in New York City. Go to gotham.com and get tickets. Saturday, I'm at Gotham's again. So you go to your Friday and Saturday. The 20th, we're doing a live podcast at the Ice House on a Friday night, eight o'clock sharp. Myself, Leah, tremendous fucking guests. And that's what we got going on.

And like I said to you before, like we said before, we rock hardcore. Here's the DJ, right, motherfucker? Hulu Plus, two weeks for free, $7.95 a month. You can't go wrong with that. Don't make me fucking go to your house and shake you down. Just give it a try for two weeks. You're not gonna be sorry.

As far as fucking Dollar Shave Club, I'm not gonna give you a sample of that, bitch. What I'm gonna give you is an opportunity for a dollar a month to get fucking razors. A dollar a month if you're that fucking poor. For $12 a year, I'm gonna sign you up. Not only that, the president's gonna call in on fucking Wednesday.

Number three, on it, you know me and the fucking help. Just cause you're a fat fuck, don't mean we're not out there banging it. Whether it's strong bone, my toe don't hurt no more. But I still wear the flip flops cause I love it. My feet feel free. Why wear fucking shoes? I'm gonna wear shoes and wear socks.

The strong bone is fucking great. The alpha brand we can't talk enough about. You know, I just, I gave some to Salami. Fucking kid begged me for some more. You know, I got those daily packages. We got the hemp force chocolate bars. We got the hemp force protein powder. You could mix and match.

Listen, if you listen to the podcast, there's no reason why you shouldn't be healthy. You shouldn't be fucking, you have good TV at night and you shouldn't be fucking shaved clean and your nuts should be fresh. Because I'm offering you all those things as a fucking man. So to be clean-faced, you're bald, you're shaved. Nice entertainment at home.

Plus you got vitamins in you. Who's better than fucking me? And if you smoke pot on your own time, then you're even fucking better. You do some jumping jacks. Lee, how many jumping jacks you do today? Eight hundred. Even I did three jumping jacks this morning

while I was making a protein shake to scare the cats. That's how I fucking roll. As far as everything else, what can I say? It's fucking Monday. You know what you gotta do? You want to sit around and scratch your balls and nothing's going on and then you're gonna get the same fucking results.

Go out there, grab your fucking cock, go out there and tell some motherfucker to suck it. It's Monday, motherfucker. I'm going for it. It's the last quarter. That's it. If you ain't got a fucking job, you're gonna have a lonely fucking Christmas.

And you know what you're gonna eat for fucking Thanksgiving? Dick. Nobody wants to eat dick for Thanksgiving. You gotta eat that dick with the fucking powdered mashed potatoes and one of those Swanson's fucking Thanksgiving dinners by yourself. And you won't have no TV. And I won't give you the hoodoo thing at that point. Motherfuckers.

Motherfuckers. What's up with you, Lee? Tell me something good, cock. That's it, man. Can't wait for the 20th. That's all you're living for. That's all I live for. That's why I love you, cock.

Suck. You don't give a fuck. Did I give you a shout-outs today? I don't think so. There's nothing. Let me give some shout-outs here. How do you? My main man, Eric Cardenas.

My main man, Neil and Fort Worth. My man, Mike Higley. I don't know who the fuck this is. Meg Love or some shit. Bill, happy birthday. Jean says she loves you, cock sucker. Boom, boom, crowd. Stay black.

Mike McCarran and Rick Born Free. Why fuck around when you can fuck straight? Give me your pussy and I'll demonstrate. Anyway, Lee, what do you got for me? Anything, cock sucker? You know, Uncle Joey loves you. I love you too, buddy. I'll see you Wednesday.

You're going to get your car today. You're going to be resting. We're going to have the CD out for you on the 24th. Lee's going to have it ready to ship to iTunes by fucking Wednesday. I'm taking the pictures for the cover next Monday. You guys are going to have a great fucking CD for yourselves as of September 24th. I promise you, we don't have a name for you yet.

We have a couple that we're going through. What are the names? It's a surprise. We can't tell them. No, tell them. What are they? Okay. Well, for the two that we had.

I don't know. I don't even fucking know. Talked about was, I didn't mean it like that, fuck it, but we can't say fuck it. Right. And the other one was, how do you think I feel? That's right. How do you think I feel?

So September 24th, that's coming in full effect. Listen, you know what I mean? Go out there, stab a bitch, have a great day, believe in God, believe in yourself, pick up a paper. Remember, fucking character is what happens when nobody's watching. What are you going to do with the paper? Shorten the fucking garbage. If we all pick up a piece of paper, it'll be a cleaner fucking world.

Believe me. One piece of paper that's a motherfucker, a piece of paper, a coffee, fucking filthy animals. Lee, don't I always throw the garbage at you when I come? You do. That's just fucking cleanliness is next to godliness, which is being closer to you, mother fuckers. I love you.

Stay black. Nothing the show's over. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner.

And don't forget to sign up for your free trial. Or no, don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You get a high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshave club banner. Parasite lost by my man Colano. Don't forget to get a parasite lost.

It's right on Amazon. So when it's 20, 24 hours to go I won't be sedated Nothing to do, no way to go I won't be sedated Just give it to the at home Pull me on a plane Hurry, hurry, hurry

Before I go to stand And take control of things I take control my brain Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh So when it's 20, 24 hours to go I won't be sedated Nothing to do, no way to go I won't be sedated

Just put me in the wheelchair Give me on a plane Hurry, hurry, hurry Before I go to stand I take control of things I take control my brain Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh