Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/10/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #5

Episode Date: September 12, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about the anniversary of 9/11, techniques for losing weight and Joey tells a story about when he hid in a dumpster all day. Joey's ex - girl friend Devan calls in. They talk about their crazy days in Seattle. Recorded live 09/10/2012

what's happening cocksuckers greetings welcome to the church of what's happening now i'm your host joey deers ak mad flavor my main man lily sciat is in the mother f***ing house little doors came in who do you love somebody remade that song years later but it was all right the f***ing guy you know uh two bourbon two shots and one beer who gives a f*** how you doing today lily lilyn i'm doing fantastic man the show yesterday was great uh patriots one i'm happy i i just told you not to f***ing talk about football and that's the first f***ing thing you did uh you said not to talk about that yeah no the football anyway it's a beautiful f***ing day to be alive because it's not that's what it turns into okay anyway it's a beautiful f***ing day to be alive we did it

we made it to monday hit him with a little f***ing uh i want to be around by tony better first f***ing thing i said is that tony better i want to be around i want to be around tony better the one i told you to line up with the bridge i want to be around we all right today yeah to pick up the smoke them in this when somebody breaks there you go baby little tony benefit today my mother used to play this every monday every f***ing day is the first jam she put on so i do not respect you motherf***ers so liya f***ed it up already with the football so he might as well talk about it new england won everybody f***ing won except i had to under and then f***ing cover turn it off lily

they didn't uh cover those cuck cuckers they were winning with two minutes f***ing left but that's what gambling is about that's why they're 17 weeks you lose one but it's not like you lose i lost 55 f***ing thousand dollars if you have a bit 20 parlays and two teasers and then who gives a f*** that one game blasted you got 17 weeks you go 14 and three 11 net losers if you bet 100 a week that's 11 hundred dollars enough with that s*** already who gives a f*** there's two games on tonight if you want to be a degenerate go bet them i wouldn't f*** with them there's two games tonight to rip your f***ing heart out so you got to go to home i said your kids just went back to school and now you got to pay the f***ing bookie back to school rate till god knows when but anyway

that's over would you watch last night on tv there was dick on tv last night that ain't dick on tv i watched i caught up on louis do you watch that at all sometimes yeah it was it was f***ing amazing they just uh and i know everyone says it so it's kind of hacky to say that louis amazing but it was i watched i watched the last two episodes and it was just one of him losing his kid in new york and it was just you could like he was terrified it wasn't it wasn't that it wasn't funny but it's just the the fact that he's doing on tv was great so that i caught up on that and that's about it i mean other than that there's nothing dick on f***ing tv breaking bats over nothing nothing i mean it's a sunday f*** i watched something on 2020 uh 60 minutes about the sold

you killed obama i've been lying when they got out there i watched that until i could tolerate the f***ing bull s*** and i couldn't tolerate that no more i worked out yesterday nice little f***ing work how i ran around you know i've been working on a lot more lately i've been working up to five days a week today i'm gonna go to f***ing yoga i go to one hour yoga on wednesday it's a quick beginning type yoga s*** i've been going there for a while get that over i got an audition in town that's it that's my f***ing monday wednesday or thursday i go to minneapolis where all you motherf***ers up there close to that mall of america i can't i can't believe they hide me at a f***ing mall of america that's i'm gonna be walking around there i heard they got police dogs oh yeah they

had a whole show that talked about how bad tv is about a year or two ago they had a whole reality show about the police force in mall of america and it's it's f***ing stupid because they're running around don't they like you can't wear hoodies there and it's like it's they need this f***ing s*** you have to bring the camera you know i used to go to minnesota all the time i used to hang out at mankato where the f***ing vikings practice when they do the spring training or whatever the f*** it is when i first moved to colorado and they threw out a bunch of friends from mankato who were f***ing crazy these guys were all dead doubles they jumped off all this s*** that these people do now with the bicycles they jump off with you know johnny noxville and his buddies there these motherf***ers

are doing that one night one of the guys got cheated on by by the girlfriend and i seen him he was this lanky skinny motherf*** i loved him in colorado he drove a bus for the white water rafting people and i said what are you gonna do because i'm a f***ing guy i'm like oh don't be careful up here this motherf***er hit under the car hit under a car and waited for her in the boyfriend the guy she was dating to come are you serious he f***ing grabbed the guy by the ankle bit that motherf***er came it's classic stories up there man kato people i love you i don't know if you remember me anymore there was like 19 of them we were all friends until i ended up all went on like 40 000 for blow i kept fronting and fronting and fronting he's f***ing one day i said

but it was funny because when i f***ing uh came back uh aspen to visit years ago i bumped into him are you serious the guy got 40 000 i left aspen in 87 on like 60 000 dollars 40 000 just to him and i go back like a 95 and that's the first motherf***er i bumped into the guy who's the 40 thousand that's we talking about karma he didn't say nothing to me of course it's like where you've been but he didn't even say he f***ing knew he was never going to see that f***ing paper again so he really didn't matter oh s*** i got felicia motherf***ing michael's in the house and s*** came over she brought some oatmeal i hope i'm f***ing starving i brought fruit fruit that's even better i ate a bunch of fruit last night i'm f***ing let me tell you something i'm about to take if you

smell a fart leaf it's not even a fart it's because i s*** my f***ing pants because at night i ate a lot of fruit you know i like to eat a bunch of fruit before i go to bed yeah so last night like a f***ing whole cantaloupe farm i f***ing swear to god i ate a whole cantaloupe farm i even found like a mexican hand in the f***ing batch i ate that too i mean it's uh it was f***ing amazing but now i got to go to the bathroom you came too early usually i don't take the dump of the morning till about 10 after eight when my wife is getting ready to leave i got to call the time out and go dog i got to go to the f***ing bathroom yeah and here it is the one thing i did want to talk about today because you know it's always f***ing bothered me and i never really talked about it bothered me that

much that's and i don't even talk about it that's it we're going on f***ing what is it 11th anniversary or 12th of 9-11 tomorrow is it real holy s*** i didn't even think about it yeah nobody's f***ing changed 11 f***ing years you know and last night they did have a thing on uh on uh discovery or uh jot dot knit geo one of those f***ing channel and that's how important it is no one even watches it it's not even talking about voices from the sky of 9-11 the people who were calling in and saying it's over these f***ing a-wraps took over the f***ing plane what are we gonna do they had i don't know what the f***s going on i listened to that for about six minutes and i don't know any of the people were having conversations it didn't matter i started crying just f***ing sitting there like a

momo i don't like that i don't i whenever there's something about dead people on the news i can't i can't do it man it's weird and uh i sat there and i was thinking about all these f***ing people that just went down there was like three shows they've been playing them all f***ing weekend there was some guy getting eddy on twitter they didn't talk about tower two they're not gonna talk about f***ing nothing they're not gonna tell you the truth you stupid f*** why am i watching just him get the f*** up he was sitting there all f***ing day on a sunday watching 9-11 bull s*** getting tormented with this s*** instead of putting on a f***ing football game but he kept tweeting they're lying they're not f***ing who gives a f*** they're not gonna tell you the f***ing

truth that's why they're not f***ing geocogs suck up what the f*** is wrong with people they sit in front of the tv and they want they think they're gonna tell them what they want to hear even if they think it's a lie i get the same way sometimes so i'm sitting there i'm listening to this show you know there was there was uh on an earlier show they were talking about uh this lady who her husband called her from the plane and he had two little girls and a four month old girl and blah blah blah blah blah and i'm sitting there but it didn't f***ing hit me till they were talking to people who were running away when the tower fell and they were saying that uh uh uh chambers and broadway had become a f***ing cloud of smoke and that's when it got my stomach

because chambers and broadway you know how many f***ing times i walked down there i think it was chambers whatever the f***ing street they were saying how many times i walked around on there i mean when i first i remember the morning when it happened i was sleeping and my wife you know was worried about from Tennessee he's like oh my god oh my god oh my god and i swear to f***ing god the giants had lost the day earlier uh it was that and uh it was the week of barry bonds who's gonna chase the homerun title and i kept hearing paul mooney in my head going they're gonna do something that negro he ain't gonna get the homerun they're gonna do something to that negro they're gonna do something and i'll never forget when they said the world trade center got f***ing

bombed i told about two things they either told about somebody in New York got pissed about the giants losing or i mean this is you know i didn't know like that's where your mind this is where my mind went or i f***ing look at that paul mooney was right they did bomb the building so barry bond because paul mooney's a community i always talked about you know black people and s*** they did i mean i swear to god this is what i thought i go they did bomb the f***ing thing that's why they're not going to give them the record how funny it is and then you know it wasn't even funny i heard what happened in the plane in the second plane and for a guy like me i felt cheated and i'll tell you why because when i came from cuba that's why i went to new york city you know one thing about me

dawg i don't know much about brooklyn or long island or sci-acid i've been up there to get drugs that's all i know about the five barrels i want to start now i want to get drugs and pizza i've been to brooklyn to get drugs and pizza i've been to the bronx because my parents had a dry clean up then i went later on to get drugs and pizza long island i went up there to see concerts but manhattan as far as manhattan's concerned i know like the back of my f***ing hand from 178 all the way down the fourth street with a boston comedy club is those you know mix all these alehouse you know from f***ing that was what people understand when i grew up in hudson county jersey new york city was my mother f***ing playground yeah it was my playground i went to new york to f***ing

play if i played hooky new york if i want to get a fake id new york if i want to go to f***ing uh what do you call a peep show where you f***ing look at people having sex in the circle you go into new york so it was my own private f***ing uh it was my own private playground i know every avenue i knew every nook and f***ing cranny when i left new york in 85 i knew every f***ing nook and cranny and even more important than that you you grew up in north bergen but either when you came from cuba you were living in manhattan and manhattan and i you know that that f***ing view in new york i mean i have a buddy mike askelies he was in the 31st floor of that circle building on the jersey side that you always see and he said he was having coffee and breakfast yeah it was like

nine a.m. to himself and he goes dog that plane was f***ing flying low oh he saw the plane yeah he saw the whole f***ing thing he was in the back yard watching the news and also he said to himself that plane was f***ing flying low but that s*** doesn't matter it's just uh the pain like it causes me the anxiety because i don't think about it it's like when a girlfriend cheats on you and you're out having a great time or something bad happens you don't think about it you know that's how bad it is for me like i don't think about it that's my f***ing city man you know and i always said that uh listen let's be honest i i'm not one of those f***ing new yorkers it's just you know there's no good f***ing food or pizza i don't give a f*** i've been out of

new york so long i'm way beyond that level but let's be honest with each other when f***ing new york sneezes everybody catches a cold yeah that's where it all goes f***ing down you know that's why i want to hit there i mean they knew exactly they f***ing hit there they f***ing hit there they didn't give a f*** they went there and they knew exactly what the hell they were doing so uh it just bothers me it bothers me to know f***ing and i just don't digest it yeah i don't want to f***ing digest it i was in the city when they first i was walking around when they first f***ing blew up the uh in 94 in 94 i was 10 blocks away i was on a pager my pager wouldn't work it was friday my buddies are trying to beat me to get them blown because that's what i would do i would

get them blown to see when i come over the bridge i charge them each like an extra 20 bucks they're all peep of me you couldn't get the f***ing pages and those guys had the little office out of jersey city but the weirdest thing i heard about 9-11 that really listen guys there's always gonna be a f***ing theory and there's always gonna be a conspiracy and some of us live our life through that some of us don't i live in the middle but this is what i did hear about jersey city that you could catch the uh the thing you know the not the shuttle but the ferry from jersey city over to new new jersey and uh from new jersey over to new york city and the f***ing funny thing is that there's a hot dog man there and the hot dog man they said it gets to 20 below and that

mother f*** is always there and he's from one of the nation i don't know i don't know how to break to all that stuff down so i am say uh racially insensitive so work with me he was from one of the countries over there he was selling hot dogs grilling s*** out there and every f***ing day come rain sleet snow the guy was out there the day they blew up the towers he was not there so the word on the street said that all those there's a big arab community in jersey city and the fact that fbi found the copies supposedly they had made copies and passed them around that area uh to not go in to not go into the city or something i don't know if this is true or not he always had but i heard it from a reliable source my friend works for public service

and he's there every day he's worked for them for 30 f***ing years of my friend's father yeah and this is what he what he had seen that what f***ed with him that they never uh reported that stuff and he goes i still remember the people coming over from the from the f***ing shuttle and they were walking off off the ferry and people were uh you know hitting them with water or the chemicals to take that dust off oh jesus and he couldn't forget how f***ing sad it was you know what time is it because devin should be calling today we are in 10 minutes devin is my old f***ing girlfriend that i moved to uh seattle with and i always tell stories in the road and podcast about her uh you know say what you want to say man she uh stripped three years she's still dances i mean

she's crazy she's got two kids if it wasn't for her i wouldn't be here because uh you know i was making money in seattle but not the money to f***ing move here and finance a trip or even finance me i was making barely 800 a month in seattle as a f***ing comedian uh and she f***ing financed the rest so we did have problems here and there and the relationship but i can never forget what she did i'm not that type when somebody takes cammy i remember them for f***ing never let's see what we got i'm the prescription barrel today bitches let's see what we got oh that chocolate yesterday insane i went to the f***ing why did you just hear what my shirt my wife said oh yeah that the shirt was still wet from yesterday when you go to the y on the f***ing i tell you i don't

f*** around guys when i go to the y on an edible i f***ing work it out yesterday i did 35 minutes on the bike dirty on the bag and then i ran for f***ing i did the dolce if you guys really want to get your life together and you really want to change your nutrition you're sick and tired of being a fat f*** i mean i'll always be a fat f*** it's in my f***ing genes you know what i'm saying but if you're sick and tired of being a fat f*** go get the two dolce books read through them read listen i'm not gonna lie to you guys think i'm here f***ing making that stuff all the time i'm not he's got a lot of kale a lot of green stuff in there he's got a breakfast bowl that you might like he's got a lot of stuff me i'm a picky little f***ing cunt when it comes to food

super bads in the motherf***ing house you see super bad he heard the little f***ing things you see him he's no f***ing good you know what i don't even have his treats today i don't know what the hell happened to him cherry do you want dinner yeah he could come in he's the man of f***ing steel he could do with the how he wants but here's what we got today we got are you ready for this motherf*** is peanut brittle oh okay this is peanut brittle that f*** your world up i gotta work out this morning about 11 and this is what when i go to yoga i eat one of these and they also gave me the new eureka vapor this is master motherf***ing kush indica people always say to me joy what the f*** are you smoking the daytime it's called the eureka vapor i'm trying to save my lungs a little

bit that bone i smoke for the day is for you guys optical illusion the rest of the day i won't smoke where if i smoke the vapor you press this motherfucker like this one two three four five the light blinks like a f***ing batman signal you pop it again and there you go living like bob marley before the f***ing bad head do all right your cock suckers felicia who are you texting already at seven the f***ing morning who are you tormenting instagram instagram huh i'm f***ing unbelievable i'm f***ing unbelievable this is sticking to me i don't know what happened yesterday yes i got excited yesterday you know we played some music people have been bugging me all f***ing day where's yesterday's podcast i don't know

lee put it up on itunes go to itunes by the way from the bottom of my f***ing heart and i mean this directly when i started this when we started the podcast with felicia we never knew we never f***ing knew and that's my witness we just show up every f***ing week do a podcast and you motherf***ers do what you do so thank you thank you for giving us the love thank you for putting us on the f***ing charts lee syat the flying f***ing jew came in here talking about new england he loves f***ing new england patriots i mean he don't f***ing die he don't better die he just sits there like a soldier if they lose he knows the moves the quarterback i know nothing i look at the line i see who they're gonna play next week and i see what the f***ing weather is up and that's it honey

yeah i got terry for him whatever she is i don't even know what she is can you get some catnip for so yeah they they stick them took down yesterday's video right unfortunately so uh i don't know if someone complained or if there's just some guy walking in but uh they took it down and but it's up on itunes uncensored and we're number five on itunes still which is unbelievable we're f***ing blown away all we're doing here is two little chubby f***s talking about them whatever so if you people want to make us number five and here's the f***ed up thing thank you my love here's the f***ed up thing i call these cock suckers on these green buds patnip buds they f***ing discontinued it the farmer had a heart attack or some s*** so there's no more buds try to call amazon open

that door for me and get the get the open that door for me go and get the uh the what was left what's that oh i didn't know if you wanted a cat yeah get them in here i want i want them to see the f***ing catnip buds it's monday harry come here come here fidel stop being a little cocksucker come here fidel say hello look at a little fidelito fidel's like what the f*** is going on i love my cats guys and you gotta give them these uh things because when they you give them the cat nips look at these look at these buds these are like f***ing reefer buds look at them they show up like a motherf*** look at gray show up fidelito showed up and you give them some cat nips and i'll tell you i don't know what's in here supposedly girls don't react to cat nip as much as boys react to

cat nip because it's the same chemical that's in a f***ing uh in their piss really in the girl's piss that's why they lose their f***ing mind i don't smell no piss i just smell like reefer because it smells like listen man if i leave this here one night and i have a couple cocktails we can never drink i don't know why but if i leave this on the f***ing table here i'm gonna i'll smoke this by mistake i'm surprised you already have it come here sit down come here come here gray gray see they don't f***ing like i f*** these f***ing cats i try to do shit for them and then these motherf***ers don't show up you try to be a f***ing nice guy but that that's it with 9 11 i didn't want to depress people it's f***ing monday cocksuckers get your s*** together as we

call it namaste cocksuckers let's do this let's get some peanut brittle in this and that's what i'm waiting for this dirty f***ing filthy animal to call she calling it she's gonna no it'll be in three minutes not even nine thirty she's a f***ing you know you know she's on f***ing Florida time i guess she's living in Florida it's hot now ladies humidity makes it go to your f***ing brain you know i'm cuban everybody always says to me how was it growing up in Miami let me say look at this thing the peanut brittle is green did you see that it's f***ing green it's like uh it's like uh what do you call that s*** uh what's that f***ing stuff that when people it's like what Linda Blair puked in the exercises that's what it looks like now is that what are you supposed to

like cut that that half because most most people you eat like what three people are supposed to eat yeah it's a breakfast it's a it's go chase diet approved it's it's like how many calories in here how many points are in the animals that's like three that's that's what weight watches will be having in five years or the points thank you for bringing that up weight watches if you're listening get the point system on your edible stuff i got a book i got they give you a book on tells you all the points and s*** other case of them weight watches are pretty slick operation they bang you out every month but i tell you if you really want to lose weight go down they have like this point system i used to teach too because i used to say no if you eat fruit you got to count

the points go f*** yourself that's fruit you're gonna piss it out in f***ing 10 minutes how's it gonna be pointing out and now they don't charge you for points so i was ahead of my time because i did the f***ing program when they were charging two three f***ing points for fruit apples and s*** how can they charge point but that doesn't make sense because when you're trying to want to lose weight you're you want to lose weight because you haven't been eating fruit if they're going to start charging you points for fruit they shouldn't be like eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want i guess fruit turns into sugar okay so but still it's like if you're walking around if you're s***ing if you're moving if you're sweating that thing should go right through it's better than

having a candy bar well that's my option you know sometimes you get in the kitchen one night there's an oatmeal f***ing bar with cream in it or you can have two apples yeah you know the motto is if you're not hungry for a f***ing apple then b***h you ain't f***ing hungry you're following the same thing and it's true but i actually i uh i saw this last night and then you brought it up Oreo is releasing candy corn Oreos which is like the most disgusting even as a bad guy i'm like that's disgusting listen bro Oreo look i got fat later on in my f***ing life after like 30 but i the fat gene was in me because i don't have to f***ing eat so i knew eventually i was gonna start looking like i make a little bottle i always f***ing knew that they took the fat out of everything people

nothing tastes the same oh yeah nothing tastes the same from you a kid you see some on the f***ing shelf you get excited you go f***ing get it and you bring it home you dip it in milk and it's not the f***ing same they took the fat out of f***ing Oreo they took the fat out of f***ing uh chip to hoy they took the fat out of everything all that they even took the fat out of a little crack and they give you a church everything tastes like dick now now they're trying to f***ing charge you in new york i've been seeing this for a year i don't know legislate i don't know the rules but everybody wants to charge more for sodas yeah they want to put a soda tax i i paid a hundred dollars a grandma coke you know what i'm saying how is an extra 50 cents gonna stop a fat f***ing

drinking soda it's the same thing we paid in the 80s a hundred dollars for a f***ing grandma blown it didn't turn nobody from doing blow people lost their wives their lives they lost everything you think putting a tax of 50 cents is gonna stop fat f***ing drinking soda they're putting tax on and they're like limiting the size to like 16 ounces which is idiotic so what are we gonna do what by four of them by four of them or you could just keep what what seven eleven on every f***ing corner yeah she could just walk the force it's the dumbest thing the f***ing shit we f***ing focus on give these kids a lap band and and a f***ing bomb that's what you do you stick a bomb to a f***ing lap band no more f***ing going over a certain range we two or three more f***ing donuts

you don't even the lap man don't blow up you f***ing blow up like a terrorist bam f***ing that's it put a f***ing sticker grenade on a lap band and see how many motherf***ers will start being skinny because the thing about a diet is listen i'm a fat f*** plus i get high i love to f***ing eat you know what man we do what we do but we know how to lose the weight we know what we need to do people walk around this country like oh i can't lose the weight you know what you f***ing need to do and you need to push yourself away from the table you f***ing filthy f***ing animal i'm a fat f*** so don't come to me with no f***ing story that's number two and number two you gotta f***ing move around a little bit but for months when i first started losing weight i ate what the f***

i wanted and i thought because i would box and run and get chased by f***ing cops so i could eat what you ate to the diet it's so f***ing important like right now i hate drinking soda pop like not that it's not diet like i'll drink a diet soda if i'm in a rush or felicia's with a felicia who's looking good today you got your little f***ing heavy metal outfit on felicia got a stab in this weekend looking like she's going well we got your call coming in she's looking like she's going to a white snake concert what's the story beautiful hey joey coca local hey you sexy f***ing animal what's happening you call the kid i'm so excited and i can go and you dropped the kids at school yeah yeah i was raining in florida lately i was so scared that they were gonna call and say

we're kicking the day off again i'm gonna lose my mind oh you had the days off because of the hurricane and s*** we've got it oh i didn't know that there was like nothing there was absolutely we didn't get that much at all and they let my kids out of school and i gotta deal with all of that so devin there is a Monday and they're back in school and i'm gonna go rock it with my girlfriend get some sun you're gonna put some f***ing color in that little monkey i'm happy you f***ing called dev because i've been doing these podcasts for two years and i always tell f***ing funny stories about you and i was telling them that we were together for a while and we and uh but i love him we had a lot of problems but if it wasn't for you i wouldn't be here so that's why we're

still friends and that's why i still thank you and i love you at all my heart you know we've always kept in touch with each other and uh but i've been telling them crazy f***ing stories i always tell them the sexy f***ing stories but the story i told them that they like is when we went to that f***ing thing in seattle that little like uh river and you had a bikini on and we were fighting about something and i took the wine cooler and i started rubbing your little f***ing monkey with it and then i started putting it in your f***ing monkey and all of a sudden your little period was there so it shot backwards in the bottle and i fainted tell these motherf***ers i'm like oh god it's hot oh sh** he just passed out he's in the fall river

i was i forgot exactly where i'm in holly or he's just we're out i've never seen anything like that i f***ing passed oh my god oh i we went to the we went to the other park that time gasworks where pearl jam used to play remember we used to go to gasworks and have barbecuing went in the water and i cut something and i fainted there too one time i was a regular f***ing f***ing machine yes you are i always tell these motherf***ers about our sexy f***ing escapades when i used to smack you in the ass and choke you and smack you in the face and you love it and sh** i remember one

new years i smacked you so many times in the head you had two black eyes and sh** we were f***ing we got so excited those were the good old days it's practice so hard to face my ribs were bruised oh f*** yeah but anyway you sexy motherf***ers yeah you're the sexiest freak i have freakiest guy i've ever been with and i'm like yeah i don't see freaky guys but yeah you are definitely you take the cake oh please you know i love to eat ass and pussy you remember what i said i remember it's fondly i wish i could find a guy as freaky as you oh please i used to eat ass and i get the f***ing come come juice out of your monkey i don't f*** around dog i don't i love all that sh** but that's when i was a young man now i can't do that sh** no more

if i go to eat your ass i'll throw my f***ing back out hey i want i don't know if you've been in my ass anymore anyway so you don't know what since so long if i could what i don't know if my ass anyway since so long if i can do what to you like uh sit sit in my ass anyway in my third department of balls you would call oh you filthy bitch don't make me come on your neck you know what i'm saying hey let me ask you something a couple weeks ago you called me because you still dance from time to time correct and you were telling me that you told me possibly one of the funniest things i've ever heard in my life and usually when you used to call me and tell me something funny the first

and only person i would tell is josh woke because he was the only one that understood you but a couple weeks ago you were telling me that you had arthritis in your wrist why do you have arthritis in your wrist yeah yeah that's okay i think i've got arthritis in my wrist in my right hand because the club i work in pamba is very uh risque and you end up pretty much giving hand jobs and i was like you know thank god i still have my kit because my hand is my i'm getting p m j or whatever it is and arthritis in my hand i still could get kit jobs thank god you're giving too many fucking hand jobs you got to go on steroids you got to be like one of those exotic dancers like you got to press positive for steroids and that shit won't happen you won't get hurt if they come on

your tips or bounce off and hit them in the face you know what i'm saying that's right oh my god yeah no it's uh i was thinking we were going to get some republican national intervention people from r and c people this past week didn't come in those filthy animals donkey no i said we got the donkeys so they didn't come in to see you the republicans yeah republicans were um the florida contingency was right by our club and um and uh in us work at the golf resort there and the holiday so no no i think some guys came in but they were packed away low they weren't they weren't telling us that they were they were throwing some money around i never seen them before and they said they were saying in us

like i put two and two together but they didn't want to tell us no all right they were trying to get naughty they were trying to get me to come back they were all tall and i'm like what are we going to do you know did you talk about the arthritis did you talk about the arthritis you can only give hand jobs with left hand yeah i'm left handed i have to be ambidextrous quite extra now you got to learn how to give hand jobs with your feet i had a buddy in high school i love when women used to give them a hand job with his foot with their feet so you have to learn how to use your feet and give a hand job i think you stuck a toe up my ass one time so you're in the game you got you know it's cracking yep i do this guy went and we were soaked stocking

he was gonna wrap my feet around his cock so i did it next to hell whoo i was it i thought well i'm pretty good at that i got but it's that more often let me tell you something you're a sexy motherfucker he was good at all that stuff you wrote you should write a book for years i couldn't find another woman like you what the tail though what he says the tail's from a stripper it's um the tail's whatever you ever get the title no the name of your book is tails of a fucking filthy fucking monkey that's the name of your book tails of a fucking filthy savage animal with you're still your pussy's got like one tooth left i know tails of a naughty filthy fucking savage in flora i love you dev with all my fucking heart and i'm happy you called in today

you know i don't i have my i don't have everybody calling i have my dear dear friends calling on this i've only done uh five or four shows and i've only had my friends from jersey and i think the world of you and even though i used to i put a bottle in your monkey and i found a little fucking aluminum foil in your asshole i still love you cocksucker all right baby i love you too all right have a great week and stay beautiful and stay black all right bye mama all right i feel last the real deal guys that woman is uh 40 something years old she's still strips she's got two kids and uh she don't take shit from nobody she gets like you don't tell that bitch just got her master's degree are you serious got a master's degree about she married

from hindu that was about 80 years old and she sucked his death out he died and left to like three million dollars oh shit way before like uh 2002 okay and um she remarried another guy and he ran over a cop on a coke bench knocked over a cop a cop in Miami i'm not one of you guys he told jesus christ cops in the military going stop stop boom and he fucking left the country to greece he left her some money wow she took that and she bought a bunch of gems those curbs whatever those fucking things huh yes people with like stripping it has a negative connotation in this country but like it's when felicia that's just the smartest women they know they know how to run their life because you're a young woman and you're confused and you're a dumb fuck you need some

fucking direction go strip for a year i mean you'll have to suck some dick and do some dance i'm a he's learned he's learned about human nature you know you really do so she sold the gems okay before they hit rock bottom like they that curves is out of business i guess of course made money on that she owns like eight rental properties in florida in michigan and she's single and she does whatever the fuck she wants yeah she just says she's dropping her kids off it's going to go to the beach you know what 20 years ago everybody would have called her a whore or whatever she does what i do she does for her kids me and her that ups and downs last time i seen her one of the last times when we broke up we were on sunset and gardener she had mace in her hand

and i had a steak that i had just bought a porcelain and i was going to hit it with the porcelain we were on sunset which is sunset sunset boulevard which is like the busiest street in halloween on a fucking sunday we were on sunset and gardener we were in the car she had mace and i was going to hit him out and i fucking kill you and right then i caught myself and i go it's over we can't date no more we can't be we're together this happened all the time we're together for five years this happened all the time we get into fucking brawl outs yeah she got down she grew up with nine brothers so she didn't give up she brought you were gonna hit it with a steak i was going to hit it with the fucking steak on the fucking head you know me i don't give a fuck did

you take it out of the packaging no no no it was going around you know if anybody knows that like gardener is just three blocks from rounds we had just come from shopping and we got into an argument in the car about something we only went three blocks and she's like fuck you fuck you motherfucker one time we got into a fight she ripped up my check in seattle she ripped up a check i grabbed the butt of fucking hair in the car and i pulled so hard you know like she was driving first off i wasn't allowed to hang out with her we had restraining orders against each other i'm in the backseat driving around like fucking uh that kid and uh you know like like somebody's looking for me i'm in the backseat like i got a warrant and she's driving i go over i give her

the check and she goes this is my check motherfucker you owe me from something my month or i go i need that fucking money she's like you're not getting it in fact i'm dropping you off i didn't know what to do i just tugged her head because she would always pull my fucking head go really he pulls you motherfucker i need that check and she's like ow right so she turned around started smacking me while she's driving while she's driving we pull over some fucking lady sees us and call the cops now i gotta go on a fucking tear i gotta go hide i'm running through the streets of seattle this happened at two in the afternoon josh wolf was in my room at the time he was leaving that day holy shit he was leaving for la that day okay i was gonna meet him two or three weeks later

so that afternoon we get into this fucking argument in the fucking car i pull her head some lady sees and calls the cops the cops are looking for me all over fucking seattle i decide to hide in a garbage dumpster by the uh the trope cana or something restaurant some of the tornado or something it was downtown there was a movie theater i had seen pulp fiction there okay so i'm sitting in this fucking garbage thing for two hours and i'm like who am i on a call there was this big big black guy his name was riko with a spider on his face who was good friends with mitch headberg he had a spider fucking a tattoo on his face like with a lot of out of his own beard not even a tattoo like the guy he went to will put a spider on his face out of the

beard holy shit and he always told me he was a gangster he was a gangster he was a gangster so i go into this fucking uh restaurant i call fucking riko and i go riko i had a problem with devon come get me he's driving around like well i'm hiding a fucking dumpster with flies dog shit i mean it's i'm in a dumpster behind a restaurant now why did you hide in the dumpster i'm gonna sit in fucking plain sight and wait for the cops to come get me no but you called the cops but they didn't know who you were it doesn't matter they knew who the fuck i was they had a description he's got a police shirt on you always got a hide so i couldn't sit in the restaurant because they were going from restaurant i mean bro seattle police got nothing to fucking do

okay seattle police got seattle has a fucking thing that if you get arrested you got 72 hours until they can press fucking charges so they get a restaurant on friday you got to sit there until monday he wants to drop charges seattle is a fucking communist fucking state people always say to me when are you coming back to seattle uh never that's why i got fucking warrants up there i can't go to portland i can't go to idaho so don't expect some guy asked me yesterday when are you gonna do a concert in montana does billings have a fucking airport yet because i went i used to do comedy you know being from colorado that's what you do you do comedy and fucking rivet in wyoming that's how you start you know you don't go waiting you're performing

then the fuck no they make you go to wyoming and fucking some fucking cowboy's house and do comedy so anyways you're in the dumpster i'm in the fucking dumpster okay and the next thing you know i call fucking rico and i go rico come get me and he goes where are you i go i'm in this fucking restaurant go outside you know uh give me 20 like that synchronize because once i pop out of the dumpster you gotta go i gotta run right to the fucking car you know i synchronize i pop out of the dumpster and he's two blocks away he's six foot six 350 pounds and he's waving and i see the cops by him because they know so i look at him i go fuck this i go back in the dumpster now i gotta sit there till it gets dark oh my god i got a comedy show at the comedy underground in seattle

i'm waiting in this fucking dumpster for it to get dark finally it darkens comes it's eight o'clock i got no change to make the phone call i got like a 20 and a 10 in my pocket uh-huh i get out of dumpster i scrape myself off i take the lettuce off you know i'm ready to go i go into the restaurant i asked to wash my hands i walk up the fucking corner and there's a movie theater there the first movie theater me and devin went to see paul fiction in 1995 i see the movie theater so i know where i am the fucking cops were hiding behind the bushes at the fucking movie theater you have no idea they were waiting for oh my they were all over the place they're waiting for me they arrest me put me in the under they dropped the fucking charges holy shit i sat there told me how many times i got

arrested in seattle that's why people are saying when you come to seattle never bitch never that fucking bremitin and bremitin washington is the lowest point in the united states that's why they have all the submarines there oh man so that's why when the submarine leaves bremitin it goes right into the fucking bottom of the ocean they see jack who stole they see fucking jimmy hoffer they see the museum a debt down there but that metaphysical that water and shit fucked me up i kept getting arrested another time me and her got into a fucking argument in front of her building okay okay we got into fucking 22 arguments she used to tell the neighbors if we get into an argument call the police because he's kind of scary we would just be yelling at each other and the cops would come

one time we got into an argument i threw a computer said old computer off the second floor i threw the old computer off the second floor because she had broken something in my mind the fucking cops come i got to run and hide i ran into a pool and jumped into the pool and hid like james barn cops were everywhere on the beach yes they did yes they did cops were everywhere on the fucking beach going back and forth and i would pop out of the pool like this blow and go right back into the fucking pool that time that didn't find me but the best this president of straw oh i didn't have a fucking straw i was on the move her and i this was what this was our more fool this was one of those love affairs that you always i put sugar in her gas tank did you know that i put sugar in her

fucking gas tank that's how much we were at war this was a relationship that went on for 18 months that was rotten we're friends today out of some fucking something she lit my clothes on fire so i fucking put sugar in that gas tank she was driving her little fucking jeep and that motherfucker started going i put sugar in it and then i put saran wrap in it because saran wrap is the double check when you put saran wrap in somebody's gas tank what happens to them this is why a lot of this is gangster shit this is what i learned in colorado when you want to shoot somebody this is how you make that car turn off you don't do this or that you take saran wrap you roll in a fucking ball you put in a gas tank when the engine gets hot the saran wrap expands and it covers the gas uh-huh

where the gas goes into the car so your motherfucking car stalls so every time your car gets hot like when i mean hot every time you're in the car for 10 minutes oh man the saran wrap expands and it goes around the fuel injector at that time this is what the gangsters taught me in colorado the hunters this is how they shot people this is how crazy were they you never shoot out of time and none of that shit you want it to look like it they'll never figure it out and they'll never find that even if you take the car to any other mechanics where you go to don't never figure it out they have to take the gas tank out drain the gas tank and there will be the little fucking container of saran wrap so for you motherfuckers that don't know now you know the church of what's

happening now dropping fucking knowledge on you somebody fucks it you you know how to get them on top of the hell fucking canoe from charles bronson style the mechanic fuck that jason strahan and his bullshitting fucking movie that movie was on the other night the mechanic wasn't about explosives it was about killing people a different way that's why when they i knew they were gonna do that i knew they were gonna take that movie and turn into explosives to that no the mechanic was beautiful because he was 51 years old he can't go hand-to-hand combat with you he's not into that so he would kill you in a different way like if he would look at your records if you had a heart problem he would wait and shoot at you so the bullet would hit your leg and you had a run

something to make you run that's what his plan was in the mechanic not to blow fucking white people up with bombs that's not the fucking thing of any idiot can do that any idiot could do that so but the best one ever was her and i were not allowed to see each other and i took a hit of ecstasy at josh wolf's house josh wolf had one hit of ecstasy left and he goes it's monday morning look i got this left i go what are you gonna do it he goes nothing i go give me that fucking thing the same way you see me eat the fucking uh peanut brittle at 701 i inhaled that fucking hit of ecstasy right i forget about it i go meet a bunch of comedians forget about swanis that's how i roll right i go down to swanis the bar at the time on top of the comedy underground okay and we're

hanging out there at two o'clock she pages me and she's like what are you doing come over and eat my ass put a stick of dynamite in my ass or whatever i'm like all right i fucking go over there i'm there three fucking minutes we're in the we're in the thing swapping spit and also a boom boom boom boom boom boom because the neighbor called the cops and she's police so i got no shirt on i'm about to get into my sexy mode you know i got my shirt off like engelbert hump a dink before he makes the move the cops come in i go under the bed but my gut is kind of big at the time so every time i breathe the whole bed goes up and down the whole mattress they're over there laughing their asses off i mean i would try to hide in the hamper i'm a great

idol when the cops show up i either jump out the back window so that i get out of the car i had forgotten i took the ecstasy okay so i took the ecstasy like uh maybe nine in the morning or something at 12 or one o'clock it's hitting me but it's hitting me they took me out of her apartment with no shirt on and put those rubber things around my hands okay so here i am outside of seattle they're talking to uh devin and i'm on the side handcuffed with that rubber shit with no shirt on like a fucking a yahoo at a concert i'm just looking around the fucking place they put me in the police car i get to the fucking seattle i get into the cell and that's when the ecstasy starts kicking but there's no music you know i'm saying there's no music in the cell i did the holding

tank i'm fucking in there i'm starting to sweat i want to be chatty with the other fucking criminals they don't want to chat with me finally they call me over to go to fingerprint yeah and there's i'm fingerprinting bro i'm talking to the mother fuck i'm giggling i'm touching his back he's like that fucking ecstasy hit me too god knows midnight or something like that holy shit i went i went money only idiots ever that has gone to county jail and i hit a fucking ecstasy and you were hiding under a bed in the bed and i was hide under the bed and the bed was going up and fucking down so in between the stuff is this like the kind of the relationship where you'd have these blowouts but then in between you'd be having sex and it'd be great in between these things yes yes but every

couple months you'd hit her with every couple months every week i'd hit her with something every week there was drama in that fuck because she was crazy yeah she's fucking crazy and you're crazy and then that's that's what happens when you had two motherfuckers that are crazy it's monday lee fucking syat felicia michael's taking pictures felicia michael should have been born a jack you know that i've never seen nobody who takes more fucking pics you'll take i guarantee you take pictures when you're sucking dick but one hand you're taking pictures of the guy's stomach oh this will look nice by the fucking coffee table unfucking believable science cock fuckers it's a beautiful it's gonna be a great week

thursday i'm going to minneapolis i'll be at the house of rick bronson's house of comedy get your fucking tickets now and next week me dunk and trussell are going to madison wisconsin to champs or some shit like that so if you live in madison come the fuck and then friday we're going to walkie wisconsin i gotta get a hold of my man up there the fucking kickboxing coach so we'll be up there brown paper tickets testicle testament is still rolling you know i heard it's still fucking kicking ass i haven't looked lately i've been spacing it out you know beauty and the beast is on the fucking charts tomorrow we're supposed to do a an ackee puncture thing but she called we might have to do it at your house so we're gonna do the action

puncture at your house which will be perfect and then we'll go up to the thing and take some fucking pictures lee what do you got going on cocksucker not much i don't want to talk about something but who do you have calling wednesday isn't someone good calling wednesday timmy marble had the driver when we robbed michael when we robbed the jewelry store september 15th 1982 he's gonna be calling on wednesday because he called for the first episode but we never really aired it and we were we didn't know what the fuck we're doing yeah so that's how it turns the fuck out you know what i'm saying so yeah i wanted to say i've been listening and when you're talking to me i'm i'm listening but i'm also trying to pay attention to levels

and you've said some nice things like how i've helped out and i really appreciate it but i want people to know that you probably in it sounds a little bit dramatic but you probably saved my life in a way because when we first started meeting i was working at job without this job for about two years and i was good to have a job but i was i was depressed i didn't like it and to be honest with you my lease at my apartment was up last january and if we hadn't been working together i'd be back in boston working at a crappy tv station so you've said some really nice things to me the past couple days and i wanted to say like if i hadn't been doing this stuff i'd be back in boston doing crappy tv or something so it's uh it's great to be doing

this with you i'm glad people like it and it's uh you took the chance and felicia took a chance i went to felicia two years ago and i said hey honey we're gonna do a podcast and he said well i don't know what the fuck don't you fucking know we're gonna do a fucking podcast i haven't been in that conversation a lot different than we thought about uh i'm a fucking scumbag and you're a scumbag and felicia's a scumbag because uh we convince people to do shit you know we have a good time doing it you know i convince felicia to do beauty and the beast you know she convinces me of doing shit then you convince me to do this so we all saved each other's lives and that's what it's all about that's why we're all in the fucking room you know um we took a chance man this doesn't call

you know when you come to la as felicia knows people come up to you let's pitch a show oh my god let's pitch it at cbs and you go down there you pitch a fox or you pitch whatever and they tell you no come back with a star you don't need nothing all we needed for this was two turntables in a mic that's it that's fucking it man and we got on then we do for you know a lot of great things happen for felicia she just booked another Nickelodeon i mean she did two stand-up things and she calls me sometimes and i can hear the excitement of her voice but to me i know these things are going to happen because you're putting effort in nobody's paying us for this we got up to five in the fucking morning come down here and do this shit we do it for them i do it for these

people so when i go on twitter i tell them to wash their fucking pussy it's fucking monday cocksucker they understand where we're coming from this is a combination that's deadly you know and uh we took a chance and we're not fucking the best podcast is in the world it's not the best podcast but we all know that's what comes out of our heart and that's the most important thing to me so lee i thank you i thank my partner felicia i thank lee every fucking day uh people going online lately saying shit about leeds at cocksuck he's a jew fuck them that's the beauty about fucking being a jew they're gonna keep fucking talking we're all fucking jews it's like my man paul mooney said if you get you did you get your nigga wake up call if you shake your family tree

a nigga will fall out that's it who the fuck we are let's do it it's monday it's a beautiful fucking week we got great shit ahead of us tomorrow season premiere sons of motherfucking anarchy i'll be you know what i don't even know what i'm gonna do i gotta do some drug that's exotic or something like that i gotta i eat the peanut brittle i got the fucking vapor pen what else can i do i mean what else can we do that you're gonna ride a motorcycle around town who me yeah what fucking motorcycle my mother's like a days are over dog all right those out of came to helmet to get fit this fucking big head i don't know where they get a helmet for ron perlman i'm shopping what mama should go helmet shopping one with a big weed thing on the back i should

go get a fucking motorcycle helmet that'd be fucking intense well that's it motherfucker what else we got for this week uh not much but that's that's i wanted for people because we had that guy right in and finding work's hard and it's uh i mean i would have never i heard about you on the rogan podcast and i would have never imagined like i wrote you just i wrote i think it was like midnight or something i just said hey i want to do something with comedian and a year and a half later we did a cd uh documentary we're doing this it's uh it's so don't ever think that you can't do it or or just give it a try and do it guys who gives a fuck don't let nobody tell you know if you want to do something you believe it the most important is your fucking belief and that's it have a great

fucking week oh beauty and the beast podcast goes up this week also if you want to support us with shirts go to beautyandthebeastpodcast.com if you want to support me with shirts go to joeycocodias.net we also got dates on there we got shit going on i don't know what else to tell you it's the month it's the fucking church of what's happening now i hope you got something out of this today don't pull a bitch's hair when she rips up your child what made me do let's put some music on all right motherfuckers on the way out we got the doors riders on the storm and it should be playing i don't hear nothing oh shit have a good day god bless you wash your fucking pussy get out there most important things fucking justify your existence cocksucker stay black joe biden

you