Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/11/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #111

Episode Date: September 12, 2013

Mike Dubin, the owner of Dollar Shave Club calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/11/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey. And by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors into your door every month for a fraction of what you pay retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. your feet, put some cologne on, and I don't put cologne on. Then no fucking confusion for some fucking guy trying to blow up a tunnel or some shit. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive,

bitches. Wednesday, September 11th. 1970 something, bitches. Here you go. Little biggie on a Wednesday. Oh, shit. 10 months to fuck the fuck. What's up, baby? How's my little man, Lisa? I'm doing play to find you a day off in the middle of the week. I love it. Like a fucking doctor. What are you going to do till they tell the people fucking nothing? Nothing. He don't give a fuck. He's going to sit there and scratch his nuts and eat potato chips and rub his little feet together. He's got an eyes out on his shorts. Who's better than you? Well, I woke up early because we were, as we said, we were finishing up Pasidi,

so I had to make a few changes on it. So I worked on for like two or three hours. Did you really? Well, yeah. I didn't even want to call you because I thought you were sleeping. No, no, no. I was going to work on it last night, but I worked all day. So I was like, I'll just wake up early today. Everything all right? Everything's great. What's going on? What are they telling you? These cocksuckers. They're telling me that, oh, I got to say thank you. And let me see if I can quickly get his name. This guy, already, there's no way I'm saying your last name, Lujunovic or something. We have the coolest people listening to it. This guy just sent me this like hour long video of an editor doing like a Q&A. And it's like, I never would

have found it. And it just, it made my morning. Like he sent it. He's like, man, I think you'd like this. And it was like an hour long thing of an editor talking about the show she works on. It was just awesome. You know, there's people that we really click with and they send some shit to us every once in a while, whether it's music, whether it's something to read or it's, you know, and it's all health. I mean, some shit's fucking stupid. You know, I saw someone send you the picture of the chicken restaurant you talked about like a week or two ago, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was really cool. Don't cook tonight. Call chicken the light. Yeah. Chicken the lights everywhere. It's a chain. They even have them in Hollywood.

I've never heard of it. They have one in Hollywood across the street. It's by Hollywood and Vine. When I first moved here, I made a mistake to go in there one day. There used to be, there's a movie theater there. There still is. Right on Hollywood invite on Hollywood Boulevard across from there's these two, uh, before the Hollywood Vine and expansion, there was a little, it was just fucking wide. I don't know if you ever, no, you know, before they put the W up and all those hotels there, they used to be a parking lot. Oh, okay. And behind there was a hut, just as fucking hot in a parking lot. It looked like a valet hut, but it wasn't. It was a juicer hut. This lady, that Spanish lady, the Colombian, whatever the fuck she is,

and the two Guatemalan ladies been juicing back there for years. They've been making carrot juice and lettuce and kelp and all that shit for people. And there's a lot of stars that go in there. If you look at the wall, there's a lot of stars, but when they, they moved, they had a move. So they shut them down and they moved across to Hollywood Boulevard across from this little movie theater. So if you ever on Hollywood and Vine heading west towards the ocean and you're walking, if you hit the next corner at the Vine, you went too far in the middle. There's a sandwich, fruit stand, fucking delicious. They make like, you know, brown cloud, pink cloud is like milk, strawberries, and chocolate. They always have something. Everything's fresh, all the fruit's

fresh. The bread's fresh. They made homemade chicken salad, cold cuts, everything's dynamic, but across the street from there is a movie theater. In the old days, they showed like two dollar movies. I don't know what I went in there to see, but next to it is a chicken delight. Chicken delights were bad to the motherfucking bone. When I was growing up in New York, San 88th street, that's how long ago, this was 40 fucking years ago, I would order, don't cook tonight, call Chicken Delight. And they bring you three pieces of chicken, like a leg, a wing, and a breast, fucking these curly cut fries that are just to die for. They would give you a little pack of jelly. Really? Yeah, a little pack of jelly. I don't

know why and I would dip the fries in them like a disgusting savage. And they give you a bun. And they put two dishes together and staple the side, the boxes that the dishes... Oh, sure, let's get out of it. With the fucking menu on it. Delicious. I remember my mom used to say, how much chicken are you going to eat? You're going to fucking fly away some days. I love Chicken Delight. Loved it, loved it. And then when we were in Joe Marry, as we talked about it, when we were in Joe Marry, is that bar, I think somebody called in and we were talking about the chicken place next to it, that one of our friends worked there, so every night he'd come over with two buckets of chicken. You don't know what that's like. When you're at a bar and also

some guy comes in with a bucket of chicken, that's like a fucking... Fuck Jesus showing up with fucking cookies. So that's how I know about Chicken Delight. It's not like I would go in there and eat anymore. It's very tough to eat fried chicken out. The only place that I've been, there's a place in, I think it's Culver City called like Honeys or something. It's actually pretty good. Take a good fried chicken? But KFC can't go to... No, no, no, no, that's shit. Rouse, the supermarket chain out here by us, has fried chicken. Every once in a while they make a good fucking batch, like a fresh batch. You walk in there. It's got to be the stars that align. It's like you go in there and get fried chicken. Last time when another chicken was brown on the inside. Oh yeah, of course. But when I got

married, my wife, we were good friends. It's funny, there's somebody on Facebook that's talking about a black butcher in Hollywood. I think it's Josh Adam Myers. He talks about a black butcher, butcher at the Hollywood Rouse. I used to go to that Rouse and they are very friendly and they'll tell you what's back there and if you like this cut of meat. What was I talking about? Your wedding? The wedding. So my wife became friends with all those women behind there and when we got married, my wife goes, fuck it, let's throw some chicken in that motherfucker too. And they made some fried chicken fresh. That was off the chain. At my wedding, I had Rouse fried chicken. Nobody said everybody was like, that's delicious fried chicken. Who made it fucking Rouse, stupid.

But you were talking, you came in how you said like you had a regular soda the other night and it was like, you can't believe you ate it. Like I've been fat for my whole life and you've been big all long time. But like, I can't remember the last time I went to KFC. There's things like, if there's a line, like even bad people don't cross. It's fucking disgusting and you drive by them and you see them back. Popeyes ain't bad on Laurel Canyon from time to time, especially on Tuesdays, two pieces of chicken for like a dollar, two pieces of that wing and the thing. It ain't bad. They don't have those in Boston. They don't have them. But you can't eat 55p. I always miss a wing. Who don't like fried chicken? Who the fuck don't like fried fucking chicken? Okay. You know,

who doesn't like a nice fucking... Well, not before I left New York in 83. I used to live with Freddie Basso Sudo. Me and Freddie lived downstairs and upstairs his mother and his father and his little brother Abel lived up there and the mother was Puerto Rican and the father was Cuban and the mother used to make fried chicken that I would kill myself for a piece of it right now. I've already lived a great life. That's how good this fried chicken was. And she put it in a bag and she put it over the refrigerator. So as you came in, she made fried chicken for dinner and then she put fried chicken over the refrigerator. It got cool for you to eat throughout the day. And I'm in me and Freddie will go out at night and we get stolen to the gills and we go for and we got to go back

and tear up that fucking chicken. He go only two pieces a piece because my mother counts him for little Abel. That's how good the chicken was. There's some people that just put the... Puerto Rican's make a good fried chicken. Oh, do they? Oh, they bread that motherfucker twice and throw it in the thing. It's just something about fried chicken. That's delicious. You just can't eat it every fucking day. You know, I don't even dream of eating that shit. Yesterday though, the wife was home all day because the baby said I had to go to the doctor for a physical. So we just said, don't even worry about it. My wife said, I fuck it. I'll take the day off. So I had shit in the afternoon. I had to do shit in the afternoon and everything. But early in the morning, went to Langers. I took my wife

at about 9.30 and I go, we got to get to Langers before the lunchtime crowd hits, you know? Yeah. So we had to run some errands downtown and then from there we went to Langers. Let me tell you something. God damn. God damn. I took... I got a half a... I got a whole pastrami sandwich, but I only ate a half for lunch. I saved the other half for later on in the afternoon. That's how good I am. I got a cup of navy bean soup. God damn. And I squished the beans and I gave it to my daughter, the broth, and she lost her mind. She started acting like a young Frankenstein. She kept going... So we kept giving her the fucking beans and the ham and everything that was in that soup. It's all over. I even gave her some pastrami and my wife's like, what are you doing?

Did she like it? Did she like it? No, because you called me like... It was probably Monday night when I was at work late and you were talking or going to Langers and I... Like people are gonna say it, but I'm like the worst Jew when I was a young kid. I don't like... I didn't like pastrami, but it's like... It's kind of intense because they brine it, so maybe I'll... They got everything in there. They got everything. If you're a Jew, that's the place to be. Langers? Yeah. Close as a four. That's how much money that fucking guy got. He said, fuck you and then and on this fucking Spanish. It's a horrible night bullet. I mean, from the time you get out of your car there, you feel like I could get fucking stabbed. Really? Yeah, it's a horrible neighborhood. There's always something

down there. Every time you see Alvarado, you know, it's by MacArthur Park. That's a fucking terrible... You can walk into MacArthur Park right now, me and you, and we can get paperwork. We get a passport, birth certificate. I did it two, three years ago. I went in there with a firm meeting one day. Kid, I live close to Langers. I go, come on, we'll meet at Langers and we'll take a walk in that park. I didn't know. Yeah. And that park is everything. Heroine, because gefilte fish. You can find fucking everything in that park. That's a scary fucking neighborhood. I don't... Wait, what's the one over in like Santa Monica? Like that, like there's a Jewish deli over there. Maybe it's on Langers. The one on Cantus. Cantus. That's the one we go to.

That's the one we go to late night after the store. That's a little older. I prefer Langers. Okay. I'm a Langers guy. I don't know why. I'm really a Lang... Philippe's is really good downtown. I've heard of that. They make the hot, deep, deep, deep sandwich. I've only gone there twice, you know, in 13 years. Because again, who the fuck goes downtown? Yeah. You know, downtown, people don't understand. Like I'm going to New York tomorrow and I got to tell you something, like little by little, I've been getting rid of shit, like that I have to do just because I know the traffic and I know what I can tolerate. You know, they sent me a thing. I might go see Diane Sawyer. I was telling you. Yeah, that's exciting. So if this meeting doesn't come through,

I will go into the city to see Diane Sawyer. But like, you know, friends are like now, another friend called me Thursday. He's going to be running late. So it's just one thing after the other. So I've just been canceling shit. It's amazing. Are you staying in the city? Yeah, I'm gonna stay in the city. I'm gonna stay in the city Thursday night. I'm gonna stay in Jersey Friday and Saturday, close to my family and shit. So I can see them and eat and jump up and down with the rest of the fucking yahoos and whatnot. Oh shit, you're going to be there when the Jets are playing the Patriots on Thursday night. No the fuck. Oh, am I? Yeah, Thursday night. Really? That's probably, I don't know if it's in Jersey or New England though, but they're playing Thursday

night. Check and see. Check and see. So I know what I'm walking myself into here. The thing you gotta know. Because these are things you gotta know because everybody will be going to the where I'm fucking hanging is where they'll be fucking playing and all that shit. Oh, really? Yeah. Let's see. Hopefully it's in New England for you then. Let's find out. Yeah, it's in New England, I hope. But I was listening to something last night and I had, I wanted to get your opinion on it. So like you have people who like, you said that thing during one of the live podcasts that actually you don't like. And you have people who you don't like, but it's usually always for like a reason. Like he did something or like there's something you don't like. Right. But I've never

really, like you've dealt with people online who do like the trolling thing. So we're just assholes for no reason. Right. Like I can't, I don't understand where that comes from. Like it's just like I like, I mean, I was bullied as a kid and it's people are getting too obsessed about bullying now. But like the online stuff, like people will say like, I've seen people say like horrible things to you. Like just like stuff about your mother or go die. And like, it's, it's amazing. I can't even understand it. I've never understood it like saying something like that and not knowing somebody. Yeah. Like just, you know, I get emails and times about Rogan and me and you and I sit there and go really like this upset you. Like I got an email like four days ago about marijuana and national

security. But I already, I know these people are fucking crazy. Yeah. Like there's some people that are crazy, man. You could tell by their spelling. Really? You could tell by their fucking spelling. You're like, what the fuck is this? That's funny. Some people are angry, you know, and I understand that. Some people don't like what the fuck you say. There's always one person that sends me a message about what I post in the morning, which is hysterical. Really? People fucking get pissed off, man. People go on social networking to get pissed off. I never understood that. Yeah. People go on social networking to start a war with people. I never understood that. I never understood with two comedians arguing one another

on fucking Twitter. I never understood that. But then I get on there and I get into an argument with somebody. So you know what I'm saying? But your arguments are always about like, lie me to fucking stop hitting me up, that fucking idiot. You know, it's just some people that don't feel comfortable. And this is the other end of the social network that you have to deal with. When I was a kid, I didn't like fucking cheap trick. I still don't like fucking cheap trick, but I'm not going to hit them up on an email and go, I hate you fucking cheap trick. I bought one of their albums, Heaven Tonight. I liked Heaven Tonight. I just didn't like them walking around like fucking momos with the hat on. You know, that's just me. But I would never have the balls

to go and try to ruin somebody's day like that. Like just to fucking blatantly get online and go, Hey, fat fuck. You know, I never understood that. Yeah. And you know, for me, you're not ruining my day. You're making me laugh. I'm at home giggling, laughing. It doesn't upset you. I mean, because it's so well, the one good thing about about like the people who listen to us and mainly you is that most of them are cool. So like, I've got like two or three of them and I just immediately block them. But like, it like, it didn't ruin my day, but it did. It does hurt. Like, have you just been doing it for so long? You just kind of brush it off now? I understand. I didn't understand it at first. I didn't understand it two years ago on Facebook,

on Myspace. I didn't understand on Myspace when I go on Rogan's podcast and I get home and somebody would talk shit. I didn't understand it two or three years ago. Now I get it. Now I look at it and I see where it's coming from. And some people have a valuable voice. Some people, it's very weird. For me, for me, for Joey Diaz, I'm a fucking immigrant. At the end of the fucking day, I'm a spick. That's just how life made itself work itself out. That's it. That's how God, you would work, work up and wake up in the morning and go, how come I wasn't born in Africa with flies all over me? How come I wasn't born in fucking Africa with flies all over me? How come I wasn't born in Syria and got tear gassed or whatever the fuck happened last week? You're born in the

United States, you're fucking already half-lucky. Already you have a god in your fucking corner. We could have been born in Cuba and had to make a swim like that fucking lady, your legs are shaking and you're all pale with fucking jellyfish fart in your face. You understand me? So when you wake up and you're a fucking American, you're three quarters of the way there. Okay, you're a Russian, but you came to America, you're a fucking American. And one thing that bothers the fuck out of me, no matter what nationality you are, because this is how I was raised. I was raised in a home with criminals. My mother was a fucking criminal. Her means every day, but the bottom line she was trying, she wasn't a criminal by whatever. My father died, there weren't a number, and there were numbers

dealers. I don't even call that criminal. That's like selling fucking pot, you're doing people a favor, you know? The lottery runs a lottery, right? Yeah. The lottery, all we did was run a Spanish fucking lottery that was based off the fucking horse track. You're gonna come give me a ticket and call me a criminal. So that's what I'm calling a fucking criminal. Okay? But one thing my mother definitely believed in was this country. I don't know why. She instilled it in me, she fucking beat it into me, and today I'm happy that she did. And you know, she used to say to me, in this fucking house, you speak English, you speak Spanish and English because I fucking pay the bills, but out there on the street, you speak English because you're in America. Yeah. Okay? That's how I feel.

When the other dad was at Marie T, writing, I had to meet that kid and I'm sitting at Marie T and these two fucking guys sitting next to me and they're speaking some fucking language and they're talking to her for a fucking hour, out loud. You know, when you're trying to write in here, whatever the fuck they were talking, I don't know if they were Arabic, I don't know what the fuck they were. I felt like saying, hey, but I did say that once about a year ago on the podcast, I got more hate mail than ever. Really? People were like, fuck you, aren't you the guy that goes to Target with a camera? You know, fuck, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to teach you how to be a fucking better American. How to respect what the fuck we're talking about. It's not about

getting in front of a flag and senutely, like a half a fag. That's what people think of American is, to get in front of a flag and salute. I'm a fucking American or when you're watching a UFC and a Brazilian or some fucking kid from Sweden is fighting some fucking black guy, you start, yo, USA, USA, really? But meanwhile, they're outside fucking acting like a fucking jerk or if they don't pick up a paper, they fucking make, they fucking make right turns on blinkers on. They do a thousand things to be anti-American. Okay? This is what I was talking about that day. You have to be an American in and outside your thing. Being an American outside your thing is, I'm fucking Spanish. But if I got to speak Spanish to somebody, I'll call them over. Really? Yeah, I won't yell it out.

That's fucking embarrassing. That leaves you out. That leaves you out. It's like going to watch a fucking comedy show and somebody's talking about white people and black people. You're breaking me up there at the fucking comedy show. What I do for a living, I'm already being broken up every fucking day. You know what I'm saying to you? You're following what I'm coming from. And it's the only reason why I, like, my mom, she got mad about the same thing. Like, she didn't get mad, but like, and she would never say anything to the people, but like, we were at the grocery store and the two cashiers, like, and like stalls over were speaking, like Portuguese or something, she'd get mad. I never understood it only because I know how hard it is to learn a language.

So like, it never, it never really upset me as a, but like, I can see where you put in the effort to learn English and you could see how it would be disrespectful that they're not. But like, I, that, that one thing never really, because I've had conversations with my mom about it, but it never really offended me. These little fucking things are driving me crazy. You can't, Sam, you have to just let, let people live their fucking life sometimes. Yeah. Unless it, unless it goes into between this fucking circle, that's why I always love chemical karate. Anything that happens into this circle is it affects you. When they get up and put their hands on me and call me a fucking miserable fat fucking their language, then I can fucking be pissed. But until that time,

I'm, you know, what are you going to do? If you don't fucking know this, if you didn't learn this at the house from common sense, common sense is huge. How many people you see? They got a fucking five beta cap from Brown, but they got no fucking common sense. All of them. All of them. You know what I'm saying? They could, they could recite the fucking whatever backwards and tell you about this and that, but they're dumb fucks. They wouldn't have fucking common sense if they're like the pendulum. Yeah. No, I just, I don't know. I was, I was listening to some people talk about it and some, some guy was saying how he, it's funny to troll. And I just know most of these people wouldn't say that to you if they were in front of you, but it's just, I never, I can't

understand things like that to anybody. Yeah. When you, when you get a troll on Twitter, go to that page. These people have been saying things to 20, 30 people for the last two days. Like say, set up a, they set up an account to say things to people. And then there's, here's the ones that bother me. There's people that do it just to do it. I love that. But there's people that listen to the podcast a few times, one day got a wild bug up their ass, start an account to say what they don't want to say to somebody. So they're not even saying it from their own Twitter? Yeah. They're saying it from a different Twitter, like your podcast sucks or you were legal fucking, you're sitting there going, Jesus Christ, how did your parents raise you? Yeah. Because one thing they missed a boat,

but I'm still balls in you. That was number one. They didn't still fucking balls in you. You know, it really, I went to a baseball game this summer, a little league baseball game. A friend of mine's kid was playing baseball when I went. And when I went, if you thought it was quiet at that fucking angel game you went to, whatever the fuck you went to Dodger game a few weeks ago, yeah, go to a little league game today where the kids aren't allowed to yell at the other kids and the parents can't yell at the kids. Go to go to go to Encino and go to a baseball game and go to Sherman Oaks. I'll go to talk, go to one of these nice white neighborhoods up here. All right. And go to a baseball game and see what you're going to get. You're going to get, you could drop a pin. The

parents can't say nothing. They'll get thrown off the field. The kids can't say nothing. You get thrown out of the little league. We have become such a sensitive society that we can't even tell kids how to not get bullied. Yeah. I'm 50 years old. I've heard the word bully before, but I've never heard it at the extremes that I've heard at the last three years. I have a daughter at home and I don't want to get fucking bullied. That's the last thing a parent wants. So you have to take measures to teach your child how not to get bullied. There's two measures. You could either pump up their kickboxing efforts or you could pump up their self-being efforts. You could tell them they're everything in the fucking world. I was very insecure, but those tweets you read in mind

in the morning, those are the things my mom used to say to me. Really? In the exact way, but a different fucking matter. The same message. That was what my, you know, when I wake up in the morning and I see people going, you're inspiring me with these fucking things. It's not an inspiration. It's what you should be hearing every morning. And there's a thing that kids should be hearing every morning. I don't even know what we're going into this today. There's a thing that kids should be hearing. If my daughter came to me and said, dad, I've been bullied at school, I'd ask her the situation, then she has two options. You have three options really. Think of what your options are. Your options are A, to strike back, you know, if they put their hands on you,

B, say something back, which engages, or C, go to the principal, then you become a tattle tail. So you lose on two out of three of those. So the only ethical thing is to fucking have your child to bit slap somebody. And that's the last thing you want in this society. That's the last thing you want to teach your child. So these topics are just fucking really... But you have to... My mother didn't hesitate. My mother knew I was going to get bullied because I didn't speak the language. So she taught me the language at the house. She worked with me. I watched TV. I strived hard to learn the language. But at the same time, she also taught me the physical of it. And she said, it's going to come down to this. And it did. It came down to it when I lived

in New York City a couple of times. And she signed me up into karate. And then it was all cool. Then it came back again in North Bergen. And that's when she really put it into me. And that's the last lesson she probably taught me before she died. And here I am today. And I know that we spoke about it. My mother would talk about things and fucking pound them into you. You know what I am? But those tweets you read in the morning, that's what my mother would say to me in the morning. She'd come up, kick the door open, go, oh, that's it. Pull up your socks and get that cock ready today. It's going to be a beautiful day. I'm going to shut the door. I'm tired. What fucking tired? Get up, you little fuck. It's our time today. It's a great day. You're going to get out there.

Go get that basketball. It's going to be sunny out. It's the truth. You can't tell your kid like that no more. You can't tell your kid. Listen, there's so many touches. You break them over the fucking head. I got your back. I do got my daughter's back. You follow me? When she's 10, I'm going to have her back. When she's 15, I have my friend's backs. You know, I was talking to Jill, I met her the other day and we're talking about friendship moment. I was talking about how in this society, this, no, your enemies, Lee, become my fucking enemies. Yeah, it's a movie that came out in 73. Marlon Brando said that they got somebody and that stuck in my head. That's always stuck in my head to be a good friend. Your enemies become my enemies, motherfucker. So whatever, you know,

and these kids don't, they don't know about these things. You know, and again, a parent can't tell a kid in this society and this be nice society with fake glasses. And oh my God, if somebody hits you, you have to strike them back. No, they can't say it. I will say that to my child. Yeah, eventually, eventually you build their self-esteem up. And that's what my mom did with me. You know, I never seen the creativity of calling me a fat speck. You know, when I was 12 or 13 from, you know, from 12 to fucking 35, I had no body fat. You know, I wasn't a fat like 31, 32. I wasn't really that fat or nothing. Yeah. I was a big guy. But for you to call me a fat speck, there's really no creativity in that. I always feel bad. Yeah. You know, when somebody throws a punches

because you call them a nigger or a white bed, it pisses me off. That's what you are. Laugh about. It's the other things they can't fucking. Well, a lot of it's now, and especially when your daughter gets to be older, like I've seen kids who are like five or six have Facebooks. So a lot of it now isn't going to be physical. A lot of it is going to be like the teasing. And it's, it's not going to stop when you're not at school anymore. Like, because when I was a kid, I wouldn't hang out with the kids who were making fun of me. But now on Facebook, they're all right there. So I can't even imagine like a six or seven, like a first graders are committing suicide now because of it. And it blows my mind. It's just like the, the, every day they have stories about the, about

little kids doing that. And I talk to your kids. You got to talk to your kids. You got to be a part of that life. My good friend, Steve Avillo, who called two weeks ago is a dear friend of mine. And, and I'm going to tell you people something. If I ever built a blueprint for a man, it would be Steve Avillo. I don't know the guy that plays in past masters that man, Steve Avillo's parents did a great job with him. He never judged me not since day one when my mother died. I knew Steve Avillo maybe a year and a half. He came to the fucking wake. I'll never forget. That's why he calls this podcast. He came to my mother's wake with three other fucking gorillas and his mother. And at the wake, they pulled me aside at the church and said, do you want to move in with

us? We got a spare bedroom. They had just lost their, their father. So they knew I was a Cuban kid. I knew the people that had invited me to live with them in the neighborhood was one thing, but for Steve Avillo and the kids that came through for me, Steve Avillo has three good brothers, two other brothers. And Steve's never had a problem. You know, yeah, he smoked pot when we were early. We did this, we did that, but he wasn't one of the people that went fag bagging. He wasn't some of the people that were involved in the shit we were involved in early on. And I've always accredited him to what his mother and father did. They gave him great self-esteem. And today he's in a band. He's an engineer. I'm sorry. He's a great father to those two girls.

And he once told me, I said, what is the secret? And he goes, you got to put the fucking work in. Because if you don't put the work in when they're young, it's going to come back to bite you in the ass. You cannot get confused with your position. You cannot let your job overtake you when you're a parent, you know? And that's what he was saying to me. You know, he specifically got a job that he could work part-time from home. Oh, sure. Because I went after those jobs. That was part of my agreement. He goes, I'm really good at what I do. But part of my agreement was in the mornings. I work hard in the afternoon. I'm in charge of driving, soccer, this, this, this, this. And he goes, I met all their boyfriends. I did this. He goes, I didn't crowd them.

But I was a part of their fucking life. And today I got no problems at both major colleges. And it makes sense. It makes sense. You can't give your kid a position to slip. It's like anything else in life. Did you watch Sons of Anarchy last night? No. Great fucking premiere. I mean, I sat there at one point and looked at my wife and I go, I just thought 40 minutes has gone by and nothing has happened. Okay. Do you know what the sons do? What their job is? I know they're bikers.

They're bikers. And do you know what bikers do? They transport. Okay. And 90% of the shit they transport is drugs. But the other half for years is said to be weapons. And even if the feds know they're transporting weapons, this isn't all bike clubs. This is just, and especially when it comes to Sons of Anarchy. So the season opener, this is how hard, this is how good Kurt Souter's getting. The season opening, it always opens up with Jack's writing in a notebook. He talks a story about his life in the notebook that he's going to give his sons

when they get to be old enough. But it's really funny. He's talking, he's writing in the notebook and he's writing this short boy that looks just like him. Okay. With a school suit on. And the show's developing, the girl gets beat up and fucking this one gets a fight in the ass. And this one gets beat up in the ass. And this, you know, it's just Sons of Anarchy. It's bikers and they got to go meet these people that robbed these hookers. And all this story goes on. And every like eight minutes and every segment, they show that little boy walking past where they're going through.

And towards the end, they show a Traeger who you think is going to die in episode one. Because that's what I thought last night that we're going to kill him in episode one. Because last year they killed his daughter and they let her on fire. Oh, shit. Yeah, they don't fuck around. Sons of Anarchy. So I'm very happy. I'm very concerned that nobody's heard about this today. And people are going to be mad at me for the spoilers, but shut the fucking podcast off that. Because this is very interesting about what about TV.

And they show a little boy and also at the end they show Traeger. And they show a little boy walk into a Catholic school, sit down in the yard, take his notebook out. And he puts a pen in by the notebook. He pulls his sleeves up and he shows that he's been cutting himself. And out of the fucking knapsack. Like, I like the one I have. He takes out a fucking machine gun. Takes a clip out, puts in his fucking pocket, walks into a grammar school. Was it a little kid?

That was Sons of Anarchy last night. Kids got to be about 12 or 13 maybe, maybe. Oh, you're not talking. Good morning. Hey, it's Michael Dubin from Dollar Shave Club. Hey, Michael Dubin. Thank you very much for taking the time today, man, for calling up. How are you today? I'm good. Thanks for having me on your show.

Nah, man. Listen, we're, you know, you guys, we represent your company and we wanted to have you on. I think it's an interesting story. I just wanted to ask you some questions for a couple of minutes just so people get to know you, some of the people on the show. And that's it. You go on your merry way. What's happening today, brother? Nothing, man. I'm just doing a little bit of business travel on the New York City where it's hot and sweaty and different from the California dry.

Are you staying in New York the whole weekend, brother? No, I'm not. I'm going to go to Philadelphia and see my family. All right. No, because I'm doing stand-up at Gotham Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday. So I'd like to invite you. Oh, that would have been fun. Yeah. We're going to the Palms for dinner Thursday night. So you know how that is. What inspired you to start this company?

Oh, man. Well, you know, if you ask most guys how they feel about, you know, brand name razors or shopping for razors, they'll tell you that they're frustrated with cute things. One, you know, the price and two, the awful experience of going to the store to buy them. And so, so DFC is the answer to that. You know, it's a better way to do it. It's a smarter way to live your life. So, so, yeah, I mean, I think like most good businesses or startups, at least it was born out of frustration. I mean, but, you know, like a shaving enthusiast, you don't, you know,

you didn't sit there for two years in college and go, I'm going to fucking devise a program to do this and this. No, you just said it's a good way to just eliminate the middleman and save people money. It's a great deal. Way before they contacted us. I went on your web page when the commercial went viral. I loved what you were doing. That's a true fucking story. I loved what you were doing. I'm like, this guy got balls. He's got Alejandro in there. He's got the Mexican in there. He's having a fucking party. He's got a bad dance. And who's better than this fucking guy?

You know, because America's sick and tired of watching these other, you know, Christian commercials and shit like this. So this is why I loved you from the beginning. You know, when I go on the road, I bring a razor, whatever, but now I'm hooked, man. The cocoa butter, the butter, you know, I get a lot of ingrown hairs. I've been using the butter. It's tremendous. You know, the razor deal, the his and her. I mean, it's just a great bargain, man. Yeah, and it just makes your life easier. And it just, it's fun. You know, you go to dollarshaveclub.com, you get your razors, you get your shave, butter. Now we've got wipes.

And then we're going to take over the whole men's bathroom and hair care and, and all kinds of stuff. You know, if we're going down the drain and you use it every day, dollarshave club's got a better answer for that stuff. So, you know, it's an exciting time. It's just the beginning. It's the right time to join. And I got to tell you something. And you know, your family, Mike, I love what you do. And I hope you don't get disturbed by the language, but I love these little butt wipes with the peppermint flavor. Just in case you got to leave and go get a rim job. You always ask old tells like peppermint. You're always thinking, Uncle Mike,

that's all I love about you. Look, it's, it's, it's honest, you know, we're honest and, and, and, uh, you know, great things happen when your ass smells fantastic. No, they really do. I'm in my, I used to date this tripper like 12 years ago, 15 years ago. And, uh, in Washington state when she came home one day, she was kind of dipped out. And she told me that a guy offered a six truck driver all for the $60 to lick her ass. So this is a true story. And I go, did you take it? And she goes, not really. I didn't want coffee breathed in my ass. She was fucking serious.

So when I read your thing with the peppermint wipes and the pep, I think you're a fucking genius dog. So not only am I shaved, my nut sack is shaved, but my muffler smells like Christmas. You follow me? You got to stay, you got to stay clean down there. That's why I love you. The little peppermint tingle lets you know where the clean is. And the peppermint works on the nuts too, because that's what I wiped on the other day. I went to jujitsu. I didn't want to take a shower, but I didn't want to know somebody with stinky, nut in their fucking face. I used those peppermint. I got a guy in a triangle. He was happier than shit. You follow me? Yeah, it's the only way to live your life.

Clean down there. Wipe it wherever. No, I like it. Now, you said you're taking over the bathroom. What's next for Dollar Shave Club? If that's okay, that you leak it out over here in the church, or what's happening now? What's next? Yeah, so I think that probably what's going to come next is a per-shave moisturizer. It's a lot something onto the day. Guys like things easy. And if you can put something on your face that soothes after you shave, and you can put on your whole face during the day, that's a plus. So I think a per-shave moisturizer is going to be next and then hair care and all kinds of other stuff. Well, brother, I know you're busy, and I'm happy you took the time. I had a bunch of questions for you, but you're such an out. I love everything.

I like the webpage. I like how everything's to the point. There's no fucking drama. Everybody in today's society tries to be high tech with drama. You go to your thing, you got a video, testimonials, order, or go fuck yourself. It's nice and plain. No drama. It tells a little story about you and the other guy. I love it. I love everything you do. And I think that it's just the beginning. I read some of the articles on the Wall Street Journal that was in there about you. I think this is the beginning of the great things. I'm happy you chose this to represent you because it's easy for us. This is a great product, man. So I appreciate you having us on. It's awesome to connect with members all day long. It's great.

Well, I love you, man. Thank you for your call. So you're from Philly originally? I was born in Philadelphia. That's right. I live in Venice, California, which is on the west side of Los Angeles, and that's where the company dates. Yeah, I saw that also. I was in Philly the beginning of July that heat wave week and the air conditioner broke at the club. Jesus. Did you grow up in Philly also? Did you went to school there? I did. I did it until I went to college down in Atlanta. Okay, look at you. I went to college in Philly for a semester and a half. Glass barrel state. It is now Rowan University. So there you go. Yeah, it's now Rowan. So we're all goombas at

the end. Listen, brother, like I said, I know you're busy. I just want to let people hear your voice and let people know what you do and what your plans are because a lot of them are signing up for this. And I think it's a great bargain. And I want to hang with you forever. I want to grow with you. So thank you very much, man. Thank you for the time. I appreciate it. Stay in touch. All right. Stay beautiful. Bye. Bye. Bye. No drama sales. I could have had the guy on for two hours breaking his balls. Who needs an aggravation? He got to the fucking point. A dollar, six dollars, a nine dollars. Guys, it doesn't get no better than that. When we got the email that I said that this is a fucking steal.

This is a scam for these fucking people. Get on it. For a dollar, you get four fucking raises a month, right? Yep. Two blade, two blade razors, two blade razors. You don't get the fucking soap and the other shit that you spend. You got to drop the six. Once you get the six, what do you get? Three blade razors. Oh, shit. And for nine, you got four blade razors, and then the extra, the peppermint, one white charlie's, and then the shave butter they have also. So yeah, just go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. I use it to do the edges of my beard. I like having the beard because I look like an eight year old if I don't, but I use it on my neck. I use all of it. And it comes straight to your door. You don't have to remember to order it again. It's automatically

ordered. Yeah, they send you an email. So you keep your eyes open and bang. I got my email Monday, so I should be getting everything today or fucking tomorrow. I'll be gone tomorrow, but whatever, dollarshaveclub.com. Go to joeydeas.net and bang the banner or the banner and hit the banner. That's how we wrote $1, $6 or $9. Now you think I'm going to sit here and sell you people things for $2,000 fucking dollars? I ain't got time for that shit. Just go get nice. Now you get shaving. Your balls will be nice. Get the peppermint fucking asshole washed too. You can't beat a towel that smells like peppermint. You wipe your muffler. Forget you have a finger you're asking the daytime. You scratch it and you sniff your finger. It smells like that. No more. You

put the peppermint packages in your pocket and your little fucking knapsack, like a little Harvey Homo that you are. Everybody's walking around with a knapsack. Look at me. I'm a brilliant. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, what are we talking about? Who bullied you when you were a kid? A lot of kids. A lot of kids. I was a short kid. Did they call you Julie and all that? No, it wasn't only like smelly. No. What movie was that? That's a funny movie line. Maybe it was actually Family Guy where Chris was saying, I think it was Family Guy and the doctor was trying to come up with names that they would call Chris. It was mainly about my weight and then I'm always kind of a

shy kid. I just always wouldn't fit in and I was never that great at sports. Right now, I was the happiest I've been, but it was bad. You were talking about sons of anarchy. It was never to the point where I would ever go kill someone. I mean, I got pissed off and I got into a couple fights, but that's why I honestly, it's probably why I watched a lot of TV and now why I do this. I'd like to say I'd change it, but I probably shouldn't change it. I never got bullied. I was just scared of going outside. I'm one of those fucking dudes. I get scared of everything, but what I was getting to, I don't think the kid had been bullied or whatever,

but what I was getting to the point and sons of anarchy is that Jackson's wife went to jail and there's one scene where they show, she's reading on her bed like filling out like a crossword puzzle and she's got a blank on and some prisoner comes by and pulls the blanket off in front of everybody. Now, let me explain some to you. In jail and in life, you know, especially in Hollywood, like if you're that editor that they come in and go, you know that guy in office space, you have to work Saturday. If you're that guy that never sticks up for himself, you know it. Don't make you do shit you've never done before. Don't have you at the guy's house editing his Christmas fucking movies, telling you that if

you do it this time, he'll get your job and more than brothers. You know what I'm talking about. Some scumbag motherfuckers out here that'll promise you shit and make you work for free and blah, and you have to nip that shit at the bud. And there's a lot of times like, you know, you get busy in your life. But there was years ago where a Josh Wolf was called to show from Chelsea lately, and I will make him some extra money. And some guy called and they want to put a bet in and we set up a couple of his bets and he paid us. Then the second round and round, he wouldn't pay us, but he borrowed from somebody else. And one day, some guy comes up to me at the commission and he goes, Hey, man, you got to give me 400 bucks. And I go, What are you

talking about? He goes, Bob Baker said that you owed me him the money. So you're going to give it to me. And I go, I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, Well, I don't know either. I just need my four hours. And I'm like, you're not getting it from me. And this went on for a few fucking months. He was the manager at the club that he was a friend of Mitzi's. I'm a great fucking story. And I kept this one on every time he'd see me, because you got my money. I'm like, Nope. He's like, So when are you going to get out? I don't really know. And the guy was starting to bully me a little bit. He knew that I couldn't get thrown out of the store. Do you follow me? Cause I wouldn't. That's what you want. You want to be a part of the store.

So I kept saying, so I just kept blowing the guy off. But the guy didn't understand. I don't respond well to that kind of, of shit. I've never had, listen, I used to be fucking crazy. If I don't like the way you talk to me in the second time, I'd say something to you. Or I choke you or one of my friends would smack you. I come from one of those societies. So let this go on. It was the comedy store. One night I went up to him, like, I got in my face. Like I need my four hours. And I go, Listen, bro, we, we, it was good for a while. Now it just turned sour for you. Cause now you just, I thought you were going to get the hint that you weren't going to get dick from me.

But since you stepped up on me, you got two options. You could get the option to step off and then he Bravo was there and Joe Rogan went, a bunch of us were down and he had his boys down there and I said, you ain't getting dick. So the guy goes, next time I see you, but I have my money, which is the worst thing you can fucking say to me. So I didn't say nothing. So I get a call one day from the town coordinator and she goes, what's going on with you and him? This guy just came up and says, when you get your check, he's taking it. And I go, that's not going to happen. I go, what time did the checks come out? He goes one o'clock. I go, I'll be there Friday. So I fucking went up there Friday at five to one

there's the guy dropping off my checks. I got my fucking check and I left. And about an hour later, I got a call from this guy and he's like, hey, I went to get your check. You told me to take it. It wasn't that. I go, listen, do you really think you're going to take my check? I go, you, I'm sure Paulie or you motherfuckers could suck my fucking dick. You're not getting a dime out of me. I'll die. I'll take a fucking black dick up the ass before I give you a fucking dime on my fucking money. And bro, I never gave them motherfucking nothing. He went to Mitzi's show, he went to all of them. Finally, I don't respond well to that shit at all. I'm the wrong fucking

guy, especially out here. I'm the type of guy that I can live with myself. I couldn't live with myself. I could not take it. I couldn't live in people around me. They know I couldn't live with myself. So I'm going to say something to you, but it was so funny. You never got a fucking dime from not a dime. And it was, and again, it was because of that night how he talked to me outside. He lost that night. And last night in Sons of Anarchy, the black girl takes the blanket off of fucking the girl. And she waits at that night when the girl's talking to her friend, she sneaks up on him and beats the fuck out of that black girl, kicks her, just beats the fuck out of him. And that's what you need to do. You have to nip it in the bud the way they should

have stopped Hitler and Munich. If they would have stopped Hitler and Munich, the Jews would have been fucking happy. Speaking of which, I never liked this kid till yesterday. Did you see about Russell Brandt? No, what'd he do? He went to Hugo Boss because they made the uniforms for the Nazis. Oh, really? No. Hugo Boss gave him an award, like some fucking award. He went up and he's like, all right, yeah. He's like, it's great. He goes, did you guys know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis? Really? He goes, yeah, it's hysterical. He said something. He said a line. Listen, Russell Brandt's never really said nothing funny in his life, but he said a line that was classic. Look for the video. I'm looking for it. He said something about, oh, it's okay. It's okay

to make uniforms, but to be prejudiced for people who are prejudiced and racist and who kill other people for their own fucking behalf. Just classic shit he came up with. I forgot to tell you that yesterday. Somebody else brought it to my attention. Let's see. Is it like two and a half minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. Let's find out. Ladies and gentlemen, the brilliant man children behind this funniest film of the year, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg. No, that's not it. Wait, hello. I think they're, let's see if I can bring him up here. Hold on. No, that's not it. That's not it. Oh, here he is. Here he is. Also glad to grace the stage where Boris Johnson had just made light of the use of chemical weapons

in Syria, meaning that GQ can now stand for genocide quips. Is this, does this say Hugo Yeah, next comment a bit lighter because of any of you know a little bit about history and fashion will know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis. And the Nazis did have flaws, but you know, they did look fantastic. Let's face it. Women of the year. Oh, that's all. That's all. Yeah, they cut out that second line. That second line is brilliant. Let's see if I can find it. Hold on. But no, that's crazy. Let's see if Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the fucking Nazis. Well, we're talking about Hugo Boss and Russell Brand. Also, not only do I take care of you with Dollar Shave Club, but fucking Hulu is no orphan either. We give you two weeks for free on huluplus.com,

not just fucking Hulu. This is huluplus.com. We give you two weeks and then you get fucking a month for $7.95. That's right. Hold on. $7.95 a month. That's $8. You know what that is a fucking year? Tell them. $108. $96. Is it $96? Yeah. 12 times 8. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, 8 times, yeah, $96. Yeah, $96. You're right. I fucked up. $96 fucking dollars for entertainment. Some people play a month to watch TV and all that shit. We're giving it to you for the whole fucking year. Everybody's looking to save a buck. Here it is. Go to huluplus.com. Go to Joey Coco Diaz.net. What are they pressing about? Joey. Joey. Boom. J-O-E-Y. You get two weeks for free off the back. Give them the credit card. $8 a fucking month after that. $8, $7.95. What do I

got to fucking tell you? Go to huluplus.com and get your shit together today. I couldn't listen while you're saying that. Let's see. A stage where Boris Johnson had just made light of the use of chemical weapons in Syria, meaning that GQ can now stand for genocide quips. I mentioned that only to make this next comment a bit lighter, because if any of you know a little bit about history and fashion, we'll know that Hugo Boss made the uniforms for the Nazis. And the Nazis did have floors, but, you know, they did look fantastic. Let's face it. While they were killing people on the basis of their religion and sexuality. Genocide quips are okay. No, it's okay. That's pretty fucking good. So we got to give it to my boy. Sticking up for the fucking Jews, as usual.

Like, you know, he's fair enough. All right, that's it. Okay. That's it. What are you killing me for? Next, you know, I'm fucking out. I think I'm in Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, no, it's crazy. Uh, fuck. What? I was trying to remember what we were talking about. What the fuck you think I'm talking about? Are you got music for me today or anything? Absolutely. Break down some fucking music. Something, you fuck. What were you talking shit? Oh, oh, shit. There's a good one there. Break out that reefer. It's fucking Wednesday. By the time you get this, it'll be Thursday. You're getting fueled up for the weekend. A little tool. Smoke a fucking number. Look out the way. Oh, yeah. Eat a fucking pot

cookie or something like that. Just shit back. Put the earphones on. Listen to my man dropping on you. Maybe have somebody lick your nuts after you're wiped with the fucking peppermint baggie. Surprise them. Why do your nuts smell like peppermint? Bitch. It's that type of party. That's as good as it fucking gets right now, brother. I love the song. I love this fucking jam. I wish I could play it every day. People get pissed off. Why? Because I don't want to have a theme theme. I don't mind. Keep playing it. Fuckin' jam. Should I smoke another? Should we roll another number here?

Absolutely. I gotta get a party for something. I thought you liked joints. I do, but it's tough. You know, you can't smoke more there. When I got the pipe, I'm hitting it all fucking day in that room. Oh, shit. What else, brother? Talk to me. Tell me something fucking good. Nothing. I'm excited about football being back. Breaking Bad's almost over, which I know you don't watch. So, where they playing in New England? Yeah, they're playing in New England. Good. So, yeah, you won't. I mean, it'll be crazy for you. Like, the bars, really, they don't.

I'm not doing shit on Thursday night. I'm going to Hardy Lang. That's it. Okay. I'm going to Hardy Lang until he's dinner at the bombs. That's it. I ain't going nowhere else. I got nothing to do with me. They're in New England. That's eight fucking hours away. What do I give a fuck? Oh, yeah. It's fucking Wednesday, bitches. How's Danny B doing? Is he all excited about football? Danny B's coming. Friday night? Oh, he's coming. How good. Danny B's coming. Some other kids I grew up with. I'm always excited to see Danny. He's staying in Hoboken though. I can't deal with that shit. Not this weekend. What's wrong with Hoboken? I mean, I know. I'm going to be home. I don't want to have to deal

from Hoboken to Northbury. I was going to stay in Weehawken, but they're doing road construction down there. So, it's fucked up. You know what I'm saying? But that said, no, no, if anybody got a chance to watch Sons of Anarchy, it really fucked with me. That was really good last night. They just sucked me in. Sometimes you got to suck. They just sucked them in. Suck me in. I swear to God, I'll call Terry right now. I'll go, Terry, what the fuck? An hour's gone by and nothing's happened. Austin and his kids started shooting up a fucking school. Oh, shit. And then for next week's episode, Jimmy Smith tells him he shot it up with your fucking gun, one of your guns. So, it's going to be a good fucking season. Donald Logan's in there trying to be Martin Sheen and

the fucking apocalypse now. Like the ass and I think he shoots heroin. He's walking around naked. Fuck him. Fuck him. You know what I'm saying? I'm excited about New York. Listen, man, here's how I feel. It's really funny how people who've grown up in an area really tend not to like it. You know what they'll say to you? Why do you want to go there? I'm from there. There's nothing there. I feel the same way about where I'm from at times. But for me, the real thing is the pain that I get reminded of when I walk off that fucking airport. Really? Once I'm breathing, once I'm breathing that air and I drive and I go see the high school and I get, I start looking at those streets and I look at those fucking streets and I know that I walked every single one of those

at least one time. Like I've walked on one of those sidewalks from Seven Street all the way up to 91st Street. I've walked, you know, you know, looking to burglarize, thinking, you know, I used to just walk and kill time, walk and hide, you know, just. Are you going to go see your mama's grave? Absolutely. That's the first thing I do out of respect. I'm going to go visit our buddy that we shot the documentary. The flower guy? The flower guy? No, isn't it coming up like in a month or so? The anniversary of your mom passing away? November. Yeah. November. Every November, you know, I got a couple fucking anniversaries. I got dumb, I got 17. You know, I think I'm a couple of different things. You know, this last week was a big Cuban religious. Oh, was it?

Sixth and the eighth, a big Cuban, the 24th is a big Cuban thing that has to do with me. So that Monday night, I'm not allowed out. Okay. I got to stay home for the 24th. I really celebrate them too. I celebrate December 4th, December 17th. I celebrate January 7th. I celebrate everything that's Cuban. That's how I was raised. Is it, is it Santa Maria or is it? No, it's Cuban. Okay. Cuban Cuban Christmas is the 25th, but it's really the 7th. They also celebrate January 7th. Okay. The other holidays are religious holidays that they celebrate in Cuban. I was raised on them. I was raised on not doing much. I fucking enjoy it. You know, I enjoy taking the thing off and talking some shit and just thinking, but those treats, that's what they

remind me of. I mean, don't get me wrong. They remind me of a lot of fucking hysterical times, hysterical, hysterical, you know, to the point where you're like, what the fuck? This is real living, but now it's, it's, uh, it's differently. It really is going when I go back there. And that's why I leave after three days because after the third or fourth day, I start getting confused. I start thinking to myself that maybe I could come back there and live my life, you know, but no, it just would fuck with me too much. Yeah. You don't think you don't think you could with when mercy gets a little bit bigger, move to New Jersey or something? I fucking miss it. I can't lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you, I enjoy it, you know, but I don't know if I could

live with all that. That's just so much in your face. Yeah. You know, I'm way and beyond that. That's just too much. It's overwhelming for me at times to go to Hollywood at night. Because you live there? No, because there's just too much going on. Oh, okay. It's just too much. It's too much. It's just, you know, there's buses and there's cars and there's horn, the phone's ringing. You know, it's like, it's fucking action. You know, I like the Valley. I like the Valley in a lot of ways. It's not Hollywood. You know, you go to fucking Hollywood, there's cars being by, you know, I go to visit my friend in Hollywood like twice a year and I sit there at night with her and it's fucking amazing what I hear. And when you move to the

Valley and it's quiet, it's quiet, you don't hear a fucking peep up in the Valley. Like, there's nights I walk around my neighborhood just to take a walk and it's fucking quiet. You know, you're not used to that shit. You go to Hollywood, you hear fucking voices and people screaming and police sirens still falling the more than that's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. That's just too much. You know, it's, I could live in Jersey, but I have to live in South Jersey. And North Bergen's North Jersey, right? North Bergen's right up. That's where it's North Bergen.

Oh, that's a good point. It's right by, it's North Jersey. I could live in South Jersey, which more of a community now, you know, it's a smaller, they have great food down there. I wouldn't miss nothing, but I don't know. I don't even want to live here no more. I want to go fucking small. If I could find out what my next move is, Lee, it would bring me so much fucking hope. You need to drive like two hours up North or something or just, you don't want to, you want to be nowhere in your major city?

I just see my wife working too hard with the kid and stuff. And I want her to have family close by because it takes a lot of shit off of me. I'm not, you know, I have a lot on my mind. My mind is racing through the daytime. You know, I live in my fucking disgusting head. So I just wish my wife would have more help. You know, that's it. She would have more. I feel like I have so much, but then I'm going to have nothing here. You know what I'm saying? I don't have an agent. I don't go to auditions no more. I don't do shit no more. I get on a fucking plane on Wednesday nights. I go to fucking wherever I'm going. I come back on Sunday. I watch the kid Monday.

I do the podcast. It's very, I didn't know how much of a funny dirty I was told James came out to visit me for my daughter's baptism. I did not know how much of a boring and lifestyle I leave and people at home are like, oh, yeah, but you do this and that. Besides that, I'm just trying to write jokes. I'm trying to write a book. You know, and it's boring. It's fucking shit that you got to sit and, you know, go to a coffee shop or some shit. It's not like I'm out of the bar, belly up, drinking tequila shots, talking about the fucking devil and nothing like that. You know, I've been eating the edibles this week either. Well, really? I got bags on too.

Oh, and I was like, the way you're funny. Whenever you tell me I'm going to do edibles, I never do them. It's when you sneak up on me at the ice house and you're like, here, take this. Thank you. Because I had got it in my brain. I'm going to have some caramel corn. I'm going to take a nap after. I'll be okay. And then like you don't do, you come over and pick up the caramel corn if you want. No, I don't want to. I'm not leaving the house. What are you going to eat all the day? I have no idea. Are you going to order delivery? Are you going to order Chinese? Probably. I don't know. It just, I haven't, I don't remember the last time I did nothing because even, even though it's great, I've been dating this girl for two months this weekend.

And she's been over every weekend, which I wouldn't change, but I don't have, I don't have time to like myself. Yeah. No, we all need that, man. You know, when I go home, I was going to stay with George and I'm like, George, you know what? I'm just going to stay at a hotel. I like my hour alone. I like getting up and moving at my own pace and drinking. You know what I got into doing now in the hotel room? I tell you how bad I am. I make coffee in the room now. Oh, you remember going downstairs? No. Why am I going downstairs for nothing? I got to take a shot. I like drinking fucking coffee and bad breath. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to brush my teeth and drink fucking coffee. If I go downstairs, I got to brush my fucking teeth.

So I stay in the room, right? And I fucking smoke the fake cigarette and I have a cup of coffee and then I take a shower and wash my pussy. I roll a joint. Then I go downstairs, have another cup, maybe a half a cup. Yeah. I smoke that morning fucking number and I'm good for the day. Yeah, it's funny because people, because we're going up to Portland at the end of the month. Oh, let me tell you something, bro. Yeah. When we go to Portland for that one night, you might OD. I might OD. Yeah, because they smoke a lot of pot in Portland. Oh, no, I'm ready, but they're good fucking people. Oh, no, I'm excited. We're going to have a great time. I'm excited. Let me tell you something about Portland. Portland's got this street where they have

like these food things. Okay. Wait. Just wait for Thursday night. We're going to have a blast. I can't wait. I can't wait for fucking Portland for the podcast Thursday night. I'm going to get a hold of Pat because Pat's fighting next week. Pat fights on the undercar, no, Pat fights on the main card of Jones Gustafson. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's next fucking Saturday. Next Friday, we have a live podcast at the ice house. But the following Thursday, he just fights on Saturday. He's going to do our podcast that Thursday. That's exciting. So I'm hoping everything fucking works out with my main man. No, it's going to be great, bro. The podcast is the least of my problems. I'm having a great time doing this. And I think that the TV and all

the other work that slowed down, I just have to accept that the podcast is it now. Yeah. I just have to accept that the podcast is it. I'm having a great time working out doing my little workouts. Man, I had a great fucking time in jiu-jitsu Monday night. I went to the nine o'clock class. I had a fucking great time, man. You said you're doing better. You can go for like a full round now. I could breathe, you know, and I get sore the next day. I mean, I'm a fucking fit. You know, I got to realize I'm 50. I'm fucking 50. I'm not 20. I'm not going to do loop-de-loops. I'm not going to get people in triangle double fucking on bars and all that shit. I just want to go in that. I do not want to fucking submit Pete. I just want to get ready. I just want to get my wind

going. Like I said, it's improving my apnea. So it could only be uphill from here. It could only be uphill from here, but I had a great time. Yes, I had a great time. And you know, it's getting to the point where I'm accept I'm accepting going out every Thursday. What do you mean going to leave? I'm not going to Chicago. Chicago got canceled. Oh, okay. I got canceled because of the I got one of those dogs that save Eastern movies. So I started shooting down in the 30th. So when I come back from Portland, that's Saturday. That Sunday, that Monday, I start shooting the movie. Okay. So I shoot four days the first week. I'm like eight days the second. Like I think I have eight days on it. Okay. And Dean Cain's only doing the beginning and the end. I'm robbing some with

Dean Cain's cousin or something like that. So yeah, but you know, listen, man, I got to shoot movies from time to time just to keep me alive. These are the things agents don't get from me. These people get these on my own for me. So and something like that, if you lived anywhere else, you could come back for two weeks. Yeah, but unless you keep this apartment. No, no, but but they wouldn't put you up. No, I'm barely getting paid. These fucking movies play these after SAG movies play they fucking barely pay your dog. You know, I do the funeral where they fly myself down now. That's embarrassing. I did the longest yard I was coming home every other fucking weekend, they were paying for it and shit. Now I got to fucking yeah, man, it's changed a lot. It's not like it used to. I'm no fucking

star. I'm no fucking big shot. Shoot the fucking movie, you know. All right. Yeah, I'm gonna go shoot a movie for a few weeks. And just I'm still gonna go to San Francisco. Still gonna go to fucking still gonna have a great time in in Ontario. And I'm also going to do Jackson, Tennessee. Okay. Oh, you're doing the Ontario improv? Yeah. When's that three days? I think the middle of October me. Oh, shit. Matt Fultron. Oh, shit. And motherfucking the Agostini. Oh, shit. You know, I don't fuck around. I love the Ontario. No, I love the Ontario. I love all this shit. I love doing what the fuck we do. But yeah, you know, today's September 11th. And I didn't know if I wanted to do this show today. Really? I wasn't gonna bring it up. But I said,

fuck it. Who the fuck are we not to do a show? We're supposed to, we're supposed to respect it. And but not laid down for it. We're fucking Americans. Yeah, I have. Have you heard of Vine, the app Vine? Yeah, there's a bunch of idiots on there today who have tape over their mouths saying they're being silent for that. And I'm fine with respecting it. But no one who who like why like, isn't the big thing don't let the terrorists win. Like, why are we not gonna do a radio show or podcast because of that happen? Like, we should do it. And you talked about being an American at the beginning. We're fucking Americans. And we're all gonna die. But it's on your fucking terms, whether you want to die on your knees or dying your fucking feet. I'm not gonna not do a

fucking podcast today. Because of a tragedy that happened 13 years ago today. I had friends that died and that I had friends. Did you really? Yeah, today's telling them doing they asked to call to see if I'd come in the next two days. So I could do the Chris Amarillo so benefit a kid that was went to North Bergen High School that died. You know, those pictures that when the first videos came out with you two and all those people carrying people that was Steve Avillo's brother, Anthony Avillo, they have him in one of the videos carrying people as a pool. These are kids that went to school with they're all Port Authority police and New York fucking cops. So when that went down, you know, my friend Jimmy Burke who died this last year, his brother is a

fucking window washer in the World Trade Center. That guy, he's an Alky, he was drinking when the fucking plane hit. He was at the bar across the street at nine o'clock having a fucking drink. I mean, I'm not putting humor to this. But what do you want the Americans to do to shut down everything today? It's a sad fucking day. But we're here to fucking get some laughs and make it happy. And all of these people, that's all you could do is honor their fucking memories. And that's what I don't know all the names that died. I really don't. If I had the time, I'd say all 3000 numbers 3000 people. It's something like 3000. But then someone put some I read an article today that like 47,000 people have died. 4700. No, no, 47,000. But for like all the wars that

happened after it, I was like fuck 50,000 people basically because of one one morning. I remember I was in seventh grade when it happened. I still remember I was in seventh grade. And it was like a cold morning. I remember walking to the bus. And I remember they took us to the to the cafeteria to tell us. Oh, no, no, we were all no, yeah, they took us to the cafeteria to tell us. And you always feel bad. But like I remember a test got delayed before they told us so everyone was excited like, oh, we didn't have to take this test right now. And then they came in and they had like counselors coming around to each table and say what had happened and I must have been like 13 or 14 when it happened. No, maybe like maybe 12 now if I'm 25, that makes sense. But it was

yeah, I remember I remember I remember like as a cold fall day and people were in Boston because that's where two of the plans came from people like it was pretty intense the next couple weeks. You know, it's funny because I had just moved in with Terry. Oh, really? You know, and I was sleeping. I was probably hungover from the night before. And she had a TV and she kept saying, oh my God, oh my God, and this is not even a joke. You know, like I said, when I found my mother on the floor, I said, thank God, I don't have to tell about love back. You're not going to believe what I thought about when she said the towers got hit. Who was the one that I gave the night before?

I can look, I have no idea. The Giants, they lost. Oh, really? Okay. I'm a big fan of Paul Mooney, the comedian, right? And Paul Mooney's always got like, you know, stuff about anti-black. Like, if somebody's anti-black, he'll bring it up. And I had seen him three weeks early and he was doing a bit about Barry Bond. Okay. So he was doing, watch, that little nigga ain't gonna hit the home run, they're gonna let that little nigga hit his home run, break that white boy's record, you know, Paul Mooney. So, so that was the week he was supposed to break the record. So I'll never forget. I'm laying in bed, right? I'm laying in bed. And I hear Popeye having my wife say, oh my God, oh my God. And I'm like, what, Terry? She goes, a plane just hit the

World Trade Center. Oh my God, there's gonna be, and my wife was freaking out at the time. My wife, we had just been together two years out of straightener out over the years, like calm the fuck down, ain't nobody. And she's like, I don't know, looking at her going, what? And she goes, a plane just hit the World Trade Center. And at that time, I thought it was like a guy on a plane, like a sign behind him that said like, fuck the giants, like two things I thought about. I thought about a, you know, some guy was so pissed about the giants, he just took like a rotor plane and just crashed into the World Trade Center because I didn't watch. I was thinking, or I go, these white motherfuckers, Paul Mooney was right. They did, they did a crash the World Trade Center. So

to stop baseball this week, so Barry Bonds can't hit that fucking home run, something like that. Did you ever tell him that? Who? Paul Mooney? No. No, you never saw him. And then I turned around and they said, there was an airline plane. So I thought it was just crazy. You know, I didn't know what to think. And we all got dressed. Joe Rogan, all of us, we all met at Mike Faberman's house. And we got high all day. And Ralphie made a big fucking bowl of gumbo that night. And we went over there and watched what was going on. And James Warren, that was a long fucking time ago. You're right. That was a long, long fucking time ago. Yeah. And I'm being heartbroken because if anybody knows New York, listen, let's get

something out of the way. And I hope I don't hurt nobody's feelings when I tell you this shit. And listen, when you look at me, when you listen to me, when you hear my feet walk with my pigeon toad, I'm on New York City. I'm gonna say that to you again. I'm on New York City. I'm not one of these wackadoos that was born in Schenectady, that had an aunt that lived in fucking white plains. I'm on New York City. From the time I came off that fucking plane in 1966, I was on 205 West 88 for a while. We lived in Union City. But those years taught me a lot about New York. And then I grew up across the thing. But New York was my playground. I'm a New York City kid. I'm a pro. I am a product of New York fucking city. I knew Xenons. I knew Studio 54. I knew all that

shit. Do I talk about it? No, because it doesn't matter. I know the real grasp of New York City. And like I told Ari Shafir, the other day on the phone, I go after Labor Day, this is what New York is about. New York is not about April opening day. You want to go to New York and have a good time. You plan a trip from September to November. That's it. It's the best weather in the world. It's sunny out. Shit's cracking. You're always going to have a good time. Something about that time of the year. It starts with the San General Festival, which is this week. And it goes straight. Opening football. It's just a great time of the year to be in fucking New York. The Yankees are in the playoffs. It's over. Even though I'm not a Yankee fan, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying

to you people is, it's a great time of the year to be in New York. If anybody's going to be happy in New York, it's that time of the year. So when that plane hit, that's what killed me the most about that. The people dying. But that's the best time of the year in New York. And they knew it. And they took that away from New Yorkers just for that fucking day. But that's why I don't want, like, I woke up this morning. I thought it was going to be overwhelming on TV. I'm happy it wasn't. New Yorkers aren't about staying down. They're about getting the fuck back up. Just like Boston this year. Just like fucking Boston. Boston ain't no hoop-doop-doop type fucking city. They're not going to sit there with napkins and cry. No, they get the fuck back up. That's how it's done. You

get the fuck back up. And yeah, we honor. We never respect. We never forget. But we move forward. Like I said today on fucking Facebook and Twitter, you could run down there and fuck one of them, or you could walk down there and fuck them all. They're all going to suck your dick. That's what it's all about, brother. That's what 9-11 is about. That's it. From now on, they're all going to suck our fucking dicks. And now you have to understand after 9-11, where Obama's coming from. He's trying to nip shit in the butt, bro. That's it. You gotta stop them. If they were to stop Hitler and Munich, your uncle would have still been fucking shining shoes somewhere, right? You wouldn't have been the fucking... You wouldn't charge a video and fucking

wash wits. Oh, god. That's terrible. I love that joke. That killed us that day. Like I said, you bad motherfuckers, do your thing. This is a great week. And also, not only do I give you fucking Dollar Shave Club, not only do we give you the fucking benefits of Hulu, we also got a great deal of fucking honor. Just being... Just taking honor products has made me a fucking healthier. I'm telling you right now, dawg, I seen it the other night with that fucking Shroom Tech. You call some of those jiu-jitsu guys. They'll even tell you, Joey, you're lasting long. I lasted the whole match. Even though I just sat on top of the guy and tried to get his arm, I lasted the whole five fucking minutes. I'm learning to breathe. I'm relaxing. So listen,

that fucking Shroom Tech works. If you're looking for some oxygen and some fucking gas in your gas tank, I wouldn't tell you something like this. I'm telling you for fucking sharpness. For sharpness, you want the fucking alpha brain. But if you want a tank, you want gas in your tank, get that fucking... I'm telling you, you'll run from here to fucking Shangola. There ain't no stopping you. Your fucking sneakers will be worn out if you're a runner. Same thing with that fucking Shroom Tech sport. Same thing with the Shroom Tech immune. Look into these things. Read up about them. Mix and match them. Go to Honit.com. Press in. Church, right? In the box. Get 10% off. Get put on their mail list. And this is only for vitamins. I'm only giving you a discount on fucking vitamins.

So go there. Try the alpha brain. Try to enforce fucking protein one time. Buy a jar of the protein of jar of the Shroom Tech and a sport and try a fucking jar of the alpha brain. You won't be fucking sorry. I'm telling you right now, Lee. This is it. We ain't got time to fuck around. No, we don't. It's September fucking 11th and you're still at home. And yes, it is the fucking the last quarter because I don't go by quarters through taxing. And that's three times four. So I go January to April, May to fucking... August and September to fucking December. So don't fucking bust my balls, all right people? And guess what today? There's no shout-outs. I love all you guys from Cleo to MB to Constantine to my man fucking Leon de la Vega over there in Spain

holding it down to my fucking Puerto Ricans. I love yous all. Death Squad is in the house and full effecting. You understand me? This is the last quarter. We're gonna fuck some motherfuckers up. What are you giggling about, Lee? I think you only did three of them. You did what? I think you only did like a trimester. I what? I don't know. I'm fucking I'm fucking stone. That's like some more fucking reefer. That's what you mean. Put some music on for these motherfuckers. Let's smoke one more joint and we'll wrap this up. It's fucking Thursday. You know, I love you to death, though. I do. And that's it. You're not even gonna swim today. It's a nice day to swim. Maybe, you know, maybe I'll go down there. Pull a little bikini up. When was the last time you

put SPF number four on? Got some sun on that little juice skin? Never. You know what I'm saying? Why don't you put some fucking number two on? Go get some sun. Sounds like a good idea. What are you gonna eat for lunch? I have no idea. What do you got in the refrigerator? Nothing. Nothing. So what are you gonna eat? You're gonna sit here and roast sticks? You're gonna have to order delivery. What gets delivered over here? We'll deliver you. Probably everybody. I don't know. I mean, I have to go do laundry. So maybe I'll go grab something. Where are you gonna go do laundry? Those are laundry matter room. They don't have laundry over here? They do, but fucking I don't want to spend all they doing it. So you're gonna get in the car and do it? I'm gonna go in and drop it off and let

them do it. And how much they charge you? 30 bucks for all the stuff I need to do. And they clean your underwears? They look at your skid marks? My underwear is a clean one. They smell your little jute toes and shit. They smell like a fucking everything bagel. I would love it if my sweat smelled like an everything bagel. I'm telling you my sweat smells like bacon. I don't even need that much fucking bacon. I don't know why my sweat smells like fucking bacon. Look at this joint. It looks all fucked up. I got to get my life together. And that's it, brother. It's been another fun, full fucking week. So you're in New York this week? Then we're at the ice house next Friday, the 20th, eight o'clock show. It's fucking perfect.

I love it. And then the next weekend after that, poor one. What's with the questions? Relax with the questions. Fuck you. You got me high. I'm gonna ask questions. God, David. I want to watch that whole Russell Brand thing. That's hysterical. Come here. You gotta get questions. You're going to follow me home. We're going to give you some medals. Go put some shorts on. It's all over. I have shorts on. Those are the shorts you wear right now. You're like a fucking genie that grew six inches. Fucking guys are going to deal with it. I love you people. You people are the fucking solid motherfuckers ever. We're here smoking these last numbers the afternoon. I don't even know what the fuck's going on today. We just got together and talk a little bit and make your

day a little bit better. It's a 10 for 11. Everybody's walking around with an American flag. We're going to put a Puerto Rican flag. Be original. You want some more? You're going to let me smoke this like a fucking orphan. I don't know if I can have any more. I don't know if I can have any more. One more for Uncle Joey. I'm going to do a couple jumping jacks. I'm going to call it a daily. It's still early. You have nothing. It's always his Christmas and what have you done? Take care of that fucking motherfucker right there. Motherfucker put the hem in your toe.

This is great radio. Fuck. Nobody's saying dick. We love you guys. Have a great fucking weekend. We'll be back Monday. Tremendous podcast next week. We got great guests. We got a live podcast next week and it don't stop bitches. Again, this week at New York Friday at 13th, Saturday the 14th. Get your shit together. Get your tickets. Do what you need to do. Lee, where you at this week and your home eating ass? Yeah, I'm home eating. I like a savage. I like it. Tamales on Saturday. Tamales on Saturday. Have a great weekend. We love you. Stay black and stay beautiful. That's the most important thing. I'm the Hulu Plus and fucking Dollar Shave Club. We love you.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get a high quality raise that's into your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. And thanks to Mike for coming on. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com for its last church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner.