Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/16/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #112

Episode Date: September 17, 2013

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I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. That's right, cock suck. There's Uncle Joey here, the church that was happening now, Monday, September 16th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You know what I'm saying? This is the only better droppin' on you. What the fuck? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Get up, wash your feet, wash your ass, grease your head, put a Q-tip in your ear, clean that fucking wax out. You can't listen, you can't fucking speak. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful day. Get up. What's the story, Lisa? I got you bad motherfucker. It's not a great weekend, but you had a great weekend. Let's talk

about you. Listen, man, it's a fucking beautiful day. That's all I got to say. What happened with you this weekend? Did you just lay down? Did you get the robe you cut? No, I'm not fucking kidding. You can walk around naked like a fucking strew. No, I put underwear on and do stuff. So you walk around with boxes short-term? Yeah. That's it, no shirt? Looking like fucking Hercules? Yeah. You got to put the robe on. You let the little Jew hairs come out of the chest. We'll get you a little metal with a fucking diamond star, like a Jewish diamond like that. It's fucking Yom Kippur. You got to live it up, cock sucker. Why don't you have a robe with a fucking Jewish star on it? That's class. Maybe I should. That's class. I don't know. That's class.

I can't. My dad had a robe, so every time I think of a robe, I think of his. When you think of a robe, you've got to associate it with slinging dick, because that's what you do. You sling dick. You little mustache. You trimmed it this weekend? You're like a fucking Jewish Peppi La Pew. You tighten it up. It's all skinny and shit. You got one of those fucking Peppi La Pew mustaches. You got a part-time job without compadre playing the guitar. Oh, I'm high already. I know you're fucking high. That's what Mondays are for. We think Mondays are for to sit around sober and look at ugly people. Fuck no. It's the smoke reefer. Write your goals. Get up. Cut your toenails. Shit like that. You know what I'm saying? You can't cut your toenails if you ain't high.

You would try to cut your toenail sober. Don't work. It does. You got to grab your foot and bite it and fucking suck on the toe and cut the fucking thing. You know. Jesus Christ. Everything all right, brother. You're looking good. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did, too. Everybody asked about your New York, the Yarmulke Brothers, the Jews. The Yarmulke Brothers? Let me tell you something. Let's get this out of the way. And I'm told this to be, you know, I love going back on the road. I'm having a great time meeting people, whether it's Utah, Lexington, Kentucky or fucking, you know, Philadelphia. I'm having a great time. But this week in New York was the epitome. Like it was the, it was just, you know, listen, when you talk to New Yorkers, most New Yorkers, they brag.

They let you know within the first three minutes they're from New York. They got to mention Brooklyn or some stupidity or a fucking bagel or a pizza. And at the end of the day, that's not what New York is about. I don't know what New York is about. But I know that when you're there, you feel it. Yeah. Do you understand me? I don't know what New York is about. It's not about a bagel. It's not about a pizza. Not about getting mugged. Oh my God. I had this congealy a little lately. It's not about none of that shit. But there's something there when you get there that you feel it. And let me tell you something. I got there Thursday. You know, I stayed in Jersey. I went over to Artie Lang. It was great fucking seeing Artie. I had to see my family, which sucked. I didn't go

to the Palm to see my man, Anthony Spino, who sent you a fucking $50 gift certificate to Card Palm. Thank you, Anthony. And a fucking picture, Diane Sawyer autographed me. I've been staring at for the last fucking two days. She's beautiful, Diane Sawyer. And I fucking love it. Every time I think of how I look at the news, I think of like an off and listen to Al Jazeera or something like that. You know what I'm saying? But, but just we got there early. And there was a parking spot, maybe 20 feet from the door. And we got out there. And, you know, it was a friend of mine, Frank Jansen, who I played basketball with and lived around the corner and his wife. And it was me and Georgia, the guy who gave the cookie to his grandma. And Lisa MCina, the girl that was in

the documentary, who I also grew up with, we went over together. And they offered me a car and all this shit. I was like, you know what? I'm home. I just want to go home. You know, you just want to go home. I don't want to be in a fucking Cadillac with some fucking guy driving. I just want to see my friends and my family. So I went over, I got out of the car Friday night. And, you know, next, you know, people come over and we take a picture. And I don't like taking pictures after the show. You know, because once you get them too personal, then the shot goes away. So I have a rule pictures after the show. And people came over and I explained to them. And then people started taking our joints. I started taking our Chibo shoes. We started eating. Chibo shoes? You had multiple?

Oh, I had bags. So next thing, you know, there's 60, 70 people, 80 people. And on the street corner? On the street corner, on 23rd Street or whatever the fuck got them is. And next thing, you know, I mean, we're out there and it's a fucking family. It's a bunch of 25 year olds and up. I'm 50. But I felt like for a minute, I was in high school again. The people I was looking at, they were with me like Denny Biancullo and all that. The people who knew me kept looking at me with this look like, what the fuck is this? And then I just play it. And then I just turned into this, you know, there's some Chinese kid opened up a window or a La Trelle spree world shirt on. And this is what he got. This was it. It was just amazing.

Only in New York. I feel like crying. I feel like fucking crying. It was that much an amazing feeling. You know what that caused to do? Nothing. It was just a bunch of guys crazy on a Friday fucking night talking all of us. There wasn't nothing about money. There wasn't about limos. It wasn't about being a celebrity. It was just us being fucking us, which is death squad or the fuck we are. That's it. That's it. Play that again. I want you just listen to it. It just takes you somewhere. People smoking joints, people taking pictures, they're making YouTube videos. This is one of them. That's a fucking crowd, people. That's what I'm talking about. And this is before the

fucking show. Like I fucking hate getting there sometimes early and seeing people. That's what got me fired up. It was them. They got and then I went inside and it was a great fucking show. The MC was great. The feature was great. If you ever been you've been to Gotham before, it's a fucking club. It's a club. It was sold out Friday night. Saturday, same fucking thing. Before there was thousands of people. I ate a 500 milligram brownie. I split between me, George, Virgil Arenas and fucking Mike Ronnie. And we ate this fucking thing and Kelly Ronnie, my niece, we ate this fucking thing. I was stoned on stage like at the 35 minute mark. When I got off stage, you should have seen my brother Mike. When I haven't seen

Mike in 10 years, 11 years. That's a guy that moved in with, you know, we always talk about Mike Ronnie. He called them. We threw the hooker out of the car and shit. But it was just the whole weekend. You know, when I go to New York, I get off this plane and I land. And as soon as I hit North Bergen, I get this uneasy feeling. And for a long time, I didn't know what it was. And I'm supposed to get an uneasy feeling. It's like when anybody fucking goes home, you just get that uneasy feeling. It opens up a complete Pandora's box that you've put away for fucking whatever long you went away for. That's what when you go home, you don't like it no more because it's out of your comfort zone anymore. Going home is out of

your comfort zone. You live out here. I've been gone for 30 fucking years, but every time I go back to get the same feelings as soon as the fucking car hits North Bergen and I stayed downtown next to the days in where we were. So I stayed up the corner from my grandma's school and where I grew up. I mean, the first morning my friend Bobby came to pick me up and I said, listen, Bobby, I got to do something. He goes, there's something I could do for you. I said, you know what? I got to go pick up flowers. We went to the buddy. I gave the weed to he didn't open the door. Oh, he didn't? No, he didn't. I don't even know if he was upstairs or if he was passed out. So we went up to Union City and I got this beautiful bouquet of flowers. I went to the fucking

cemetery and dug up a little stance and somebody stole my mother's candle, those cocksuckers. But I planted some flowers and Bobby took pictures and I took some pictures of myself. Fucking beautiful bouquet of flowers with yellow and reds and blues. It was just fucking beautiful. From now on, I went to Chance Dragon Inn on Friday with George. Got some shrimp and lobster sauce. Fucking amazing pork fried rice. Got us an order of small spare ribs and got an egg roll. Fucking amazing. Just took me back. You know, Artie Lang was great. Saturday went there. Went to get some Cuban food. You know, went to met up with Carmine and put Pistol Pete. All right, Diana. And let me tell you something that was fucking anxiety, Bill.

Why? Because Carmine is 70 years old and he's still tough as fucking hell. And the way that was breaking his balls or he was breaking my balls, I sat inside the booth. Yeah. And I had eaten a Chibo chew like a hybrid of 70 milligram and then it's just starting to kick in. I was feeling uneasy and I was getting fucking anxiety. And that was and it was Friday night. It was before that show. Once I got to New York, it was just it really was something else, man. Just the crowds. But going home in general, I mean, it's, you know, home for me wasn't a home like you guys. You guys graduated high school and you probably went to college. And so when you go home, you know, when I go home, I think about all the bad things I fucking did.

You know, when I'm driving, I look at all those streets and I go, oh, you know, I robbed that house. I robbed that house. You know, I fucking hit some guy there. You always, you don't think about the positive stuff? What was the positive? All your friends. And that's true. Yeah, I saw Loops. Yeah, I gave him a fucking Chibo chew. Oh, no. He called me back that night to die, even the thoughts in my head. I stood stuttering. He called me and loved him. I gave some to my man ask fucking rain like a motherfucker. I gave some to Mike Ronnie. I mean, it was usually when I go home, I want to get on a plane on the way home back. I can't wait to get on the plane. Not this time. Well, you like quick trips. Yeah, but this time really hit home. It really hit home

with what I was thinking lately. I'm trying to write that book. And I'm trying to dig into that part of my life. I went by the bender's house. I saw their house. I saw Carmine's house where he shot the guy seven times. You know, I saw my old house. I walked up my block. I walked down my old block just to breathe that air. You know, I asked Bobby, can we park and let me walk a little bit. And I walked up and down. I walked around the corner. And it was just amazing. I got my balls back in the way. Like sometimes you're like, you know, you sniff and I saw things that reminded me little things, you know, I still get that fucking uneasy feeling when I walk in front of my house though. Really? It's the worst feeling in the world. Yeah. And I'm, I'm a conter away from

knocking on the fucking door. Well, we spoke to those older Spanish couple, I think next door or whatever. It's still I'm still when I get when I when I walk past that house, I get this feeling like it's just I don't even know. It's not like a fear feeling or a scary feeling or like I want to cry feeling. It's just a feeling. And it's on an easy feeling. But in a way, I don't know. I mean, I'm my mom getting down in my old house, but my mom moved out of the house. I grew up in and when I'm when I'm driven by it, like they painted it. Now it's different. So it's like, I get that feeling too. I think it's just weird because you grew up there. But I was thinking like it's definitely cheaper to stay in Jersey. But like you make you make a choice to stay in that

area. And you could always like your friends could always meet you in New York City. So do you think in like some way like you you I mean, it's always it's always weird. But it feels good to be back home. It's because you could stay in another no, no, no, I could have fucking stayed. Listen, I could they wanted me to stay in the city, right by the hotel there, right by the comedy club. And I wanted to because Marcelo Garcia schools over there in the whole thing. And I started thinking about how much what do I do in the city now? 20 years ago, I knew the city. I don't know that city no more. I don't know it at all. It's a complete different fucking place. They wanted to 69 a night to stay in the city. They wanted to 49 to stay in Jersey and we walking. But yeah,

and I got to take on the ferry over. And at the end of the game, I didn't want no to possess. So I chose a holiday in express where I would get breakfast in the morning, plus I get fucking computer, I get great Wi-Fi in the fucking room for my iPhone. You know, Lee, sometimes you just want to take a fucking breather. And I rather do that and stay close to where I'm from than to have my buddies have to go 20 more minutes out of their way to we walking or for me to have to take a shuttle over my buddies have to come pick me up on the other side of the bridge. I was there. I don't I live in that way. I get enough fucking traffic here. You know, that for some reasons, when I leave here Monday, it's a half hour traffic to get home.

Is it really? Yeah, you know, I live here and I have what I for living, you're seven fucking minutes. But you know, it's you get sick and tired of traveling, you get sick and tired of getting a car going across 20 minutes in traffic, the bridge. All I had to do was be in New York two times. That's it. Three times in three nights. It's not like I had to be there 60% of the time in a daytime. I got to relax. I got to write a little bit. You know, I didn't work out the three days I was there. I worked out a little yesterday. I walked around though, you know, I walked around and those are all hills. You know, it's funny how I just did a thing on my heart about a month ago. And the doctor's like, goddamn,

you know, your blood pressure is high. And you're heavy, but your heart is so strong. And I couldn't understand what he meant. And then I went home, I looked at 46th Street, and I saw that fucking hill, that fucking hill on 46th Street, not the one by the cemetery. I walked up that hill twice a fucking day, you know, or 38th Street. I come from the second hilliest city in the fucking country behind San Francisco. That's why my heart is so fucking strong, because that whole city is a fucking hill. I live down the hill. And so all that shit was pretty neat. I seen my grandma school, you know, falling apart and shit, seeing the high school. I didn't go to the high school in Feverone.

Why not? Because I only had Friday, and I just ran out of fucking time on Friday, you know. It's, you know, you have this time, but you don't. You know, you have all this time, but you really don't. You know, I could call you and go, I'm gonna go over there and spend an hour with Lee. How can I spend an hour with Lee? I haven't seen him in a year. The hour becomes whatever it is, two and a half hours. We're talking, you know. So you run out of fucking time, you know. Look at my buddies. They invited me to Ruth Chris on the water, and they go, we're just gonna go and come back. I ended up going to a kid's birthday party with George.

I went to George's daughter's birthday party. Oh, the little one? Yeah, little girl. Oh, nice. She's fucking 11, you know. George is my fucking brother, you know. And I always make this big commotion every time George comes here. You know, he comes to San Diego and I get pissed off, because I might have to pick him up. You know what, man? I gotta grow the fuck up and stop it. There's nobody who loves me more in this world than that fucking George kid. Lisa Messina called me last night and she goes, are you on stage? Laughing? I was looking at George's face. He's fucking so happy for you. He's so happy that you put the work and he told me, you know, and I gotta realize the things you're right. I gotta

realize the positive things I have there, just to see Mike and his wife, just to see Bobby Bender, who I've known since we were fucking kids. You know, his mother-in-law, I hit on when I was 14 and she, you know, that's how long I know Bobby Bender. And then we drove by and I go, Bobby, that's where I used to stand and stake out your mother-in-law. We were fucking howling. Howling. I go, she used to wear hot pants and I'd wear, and I would not touch the behind the hot pants and she asked me for a fucking kiss. I asked her for a kiss and I went home and jerked off for fucking times. But it's just going home. You know, I remember a lot of little things. I remember walking those streets and being fucking scared and confused, but walking around like a

tough guy, keeping it together, but deep down inside, being broken. You know, I remember getting up early in the morning and just walking, walking till I saw an opening, till I saw somebody leaving the house, or I saw somebody away from where they stood and I realized they had drugs and money and I grew up with them and I tried to rob them, you know, just walking around, killing time. I used to walk to kill time. Like, let's say the night before I spent the night at Lee's house and Lee had to go to work at eight. I'd brush my teeth, get, get shout and I'd walk for three or four hours just until I had to meet somebody else until lunchtime. If I had a half a joint and a walkman, that was even better. At least I could listen to music and walk around and

smoke pot and mind fuck myself of being a kingpin. In those days, I had no goals. I had no aspirations. I wanted to make my money through selling drugs and I thought my stepfather was going to give me half my mother's money, so I was just going to be a big father. I was going to buy a Mercedes and drive around and people going to fucking light my cigarettes, but then work out like that, you know, so it's just, no, it really is. I forget walking those, that's what, that's what the worst feeling about being there. Even when I stood by my mother's grave and I looked on the street, you know, how many times I walked up that hill, you know, past my mother's grave and I would say to her, you know, to watch me today, you know, as I was walking up the hill, like, go watch me today, you know,

today might be my last day. Really? Yeah, because I didn't know. I was, I didn't fucking know, man, I just didn't fucking know. You know, it's great to be young because you have all this in front of you, but at times the thing about being young is not having something going on and being scared and not knowing where your life is going and where your direction is going because even when you're taking fucking classes, you're still going, what the fuck is the purpose of this shit? You ask yourself every time you have a big assignment and you're cracking or something, you're like, what is the purpose? What am I going to do with this? And you open up the paper to see what's out there, but you know this is what you got to do, so you go fuck it, I'll stick it out,

you know, but it's just so weird how scared you really are when you're 21 and 23 and going to college. And I wasn't, I had nothing going on, Lee. Lee, I can't imagine being 20 and having nothing going on. And I didn't want nothing to go on. Like, I didn't want to have a life. I didn't want to have nothing. I just wanted to fucking do drugs and be a kingpin and fucking walk around and buy drinks with people like a fucking jerk off. For what? At the end of the day, for what fucking Lee? You know what I'm saying, brother? I know what you're saying. What's going on? It's Monday the 16th of fucking September and we're here. We're here? Where'd you eat this week? I know you ate somewhere. It cocks up a salad and I eat sushi. No, she tried sushi last

week and she, let's see, where did we eat? She don't like the sushi last week. No, she liked it. She never had it before, but I don't get stuff that scary. Like, I just get a little bit of tuna, a little bit of shrimp, and she tried that. She liked it. No, we just saw a movie. Like, it's weird. It's a... What movie did you watch? Fucking Insidious 2, and I hate scary movies. How bad was it? It was good. It's good. It scared me. She was... It wasn't as scary as some other movies, but... I'll tell you what movie I watched this week. What one? And I gotta tell you, people gonna hate me for saying this. I know you saw this movie because you were suckered too. I watched this movie in the whole time on the other end. I couldn't believe

how bad it was. What's wrong? I really couldn't fucking believe how bad it was. I really couldn't fucking believe how bad it was comically. And if somebody really thinks that's a great movie, I hope you fucking shoot yourself. And I shouldn't say that. No, don't shoot yourself. I love you to death. I just want you to email me, and we're fucking gonna talk this out. I hope I don't like this movie. It's the movie with Zach Galifianakis and Will Fowler. They're gonna run for president. Campaign. I watched that in my room. I gave that an hour and 15 minutes of my life, but I'm never gonna get fucking back. Listen, I've had bad fucking days of my life. We all have, okay? Comically, fucking working, working out, whatever the fuck it is. That was a nightmare.

That was fucking bad. And it should have been great. That was fucking bad. And you know what really kills me? Let me tell you what really destroys me. What? That if I said half the things Zach Galifianakis said, I would be fucking hated. He says some fucking crazy things. Do you know the land? I never said this on podcasts. I'm gonna tell you what happened in DC. I'm gonna tell you what happened in Philly, even in those heavy fucking, you know, politically and socially incorrect. I don't know what the word to describe it. We're politically correct. Correct. Yeah. Places. People came up to me after the show and said, we don't like when you use the word retarded and stuff like that. And the movie fucking hangover.

This white kid says retarded. Yeah. And nobody ever blinked. Nobody ever blinked. Biggest movie of the fucking summer. Not one retard group raised their hand and said, you know, I didn't like when Zach said that. Did you ever think of that? Yeah, it's kind of weird. It's kind of weird that some people could say something and people start and say, oh my God, Zach said retarded was so funny. Do you understand me? In the same, he said some shit in this movie. I sat there going, wow. The movie is so fucking bad, guys. And if this is your comedy geniuses, this is it. This is your movie. Like, wow, that movie was fucking funny. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It hurts my fucking feelings. And I'm a Will Farrell fucking man. I'm a Will Farrell dog. I've always been a

Will Farrell. Even when I hated Saturday Night Live, I've always loved Will Farrell. That movie back at the fucking Roxy, that's one of my all time fucking favorites. One of my all time fucking favorites. There's a couple of them. I didn't like the basketball one. I just saw that for the first time. I didn't like the basketball one really bad. But I mean, you know, when Zach and this guy make a movie together, you expect something. You expect something. It was fucking horrendously fucking bad, bro. Fucking. And I love them both. I don't know how people call me and hit me and say, you should go see that fucking movie. I don't know what the fuck you people have grown up about. I really don't fucking know. No, that Will Farrell kind of does better in smaller roles.

It seems like he, like he, whenever he does the brother's movies, fucking great. Yeah. That one, the nights isn't bad. Talladega fucking nights. I like, you know, he won one of Anchorman, Elf, Talladega nights. The Blades of Glory is okay. The ice skating one. You don't like that one? Yeah. That's when it started going downhill for me. Yeah, you're right. That's it. And I love them for all that cowbell shit. I'm saying that live. I love all that shit. I love all that shit, though. That's my world. So I don't want nobody to hit me up and go Joey Wells. No, no, no, no, no. I love that was a bad movie. Jesus fucking Christ. And I tried watching him like, thank God it's on. Oh my God. I'm gonna watch it. It got worse and worse. And the fat

chick in the movie that was with Will Farrell and just his dad and them yelling at him. Oh God. I'm like, why am I watching this shit? I put golf on. Now, have you ever seen Ted? Because I know you like Family Guy. I didn't like it. You know, I don't know what the fuss is. I watched it with my wife at 35. We looked at each other. Everyone I know from Boston loves it. It's I watched it this weekend. I find it so fucking funny. You like Family Guy. You should like that show. That movie. Yeah, come smoke some herb. Oh, fuck, I'm already so high. That's what you're supposed to do. It's fucking Monday. Get up alpha brains jump. You even do jumping jacks today? I'll do it right now. Missy. Let me see. 10 jumping jacks. One, two, look at you. Looking

good. Three, four, five, looking up. Oh shit. Eight, nine. You're a savage. Look at him. Sexy Lee's gonna fucking start juicing again. That's it. He's going back to kelp and celery sticks. It's over. No more enchiladas on the weekend. He's been living good here in the living room, him and the wife throwing grapes and cookies in their mouths. Party's over for a while. Yeah. No, you know, it's been fun. It's been fun spending time with her on the weekends. I love you. I love you. Here's the pep in heat. A freak without warning. Your appetite for sex makes me so horny. Me so horny. Me so horny. What's up you bad motherfucker? I was thinking about something the other day and I thought of you. What were you thinking about? Because you

always get mad at people like with a BMW 3 series and stuff like that. I get mad at BMWs when they do the speed limit. Or they do below the speed limit. That's when I get mad at BMW, especially if it's over a five series. Speed it up. Get the fuck into what we're doing. What'd you get a BMW for? Do 10 miles an hour and wave at people? Dispense what you want. That's what you sell it on. Well, you don't know until you get the BMW, the German engineer and well then step on it cocksuck it. Why am I standing behind you in the fucking left hand lane doing 50 fucking five? Why? But the reason why I thought of it is you don't live a very extravagant life really. Like you're starting to make money and you could. You could probably buy a nicer car or

stuff like that. But the thing I felt bad for a few minutes is because you shouldn't care about the nicer stuff. But I was sitting in my car in traffic and I saw an Audi. I was like, oh, should that mean I should get it from my next car? And now that I'm living here, I went to a nice sushi place with a girl. I get stuff if I want it. And I feel guilty about it almost. That shouldn't matter. But and it doesn't matter, but it kind of does. And I felt guilty about wanting that stuff. You're in America. Yeah. The beautiful thing about America is if you work, you can make money. And if you make money, you can spend it on whatever toys or whatever the fuck you like. And whatever the fuck makes you feel better. There's people in this country that are raised to

have things and to let everybody know about them sub, you know, whatever or trips or whatever the fuck it is. I've been very fortunate. I had money growing up, my mother, and then it shut down. And for 30 years, I lived from hand to fucking mouth. We all do in America, you know, there's a lot of rich people. But there's a lot of people I lived from hand to mouth because I chose because I had an addiction. Okay, the addiction ate up all my money. Plus stopped me from making other money. You shut down, you know, you shut down. I still made money with the addiction. I booked movies. I did the whole fucking deal. That's not what I'm getting at. For me in my life, brother, I like nice things, but I like nice things for the wrong reasons. I don't want to buy a car to

impress you. I don't ever want to do something to impress you. And when I mean you, Lee, I don't mean you, Lisa. I mean, Joe, my fucking neighbor. I don't ever want to sit here and tell you people about my trip to Hawaii or to brag about this or whatever. That's not me. I can't go on vacation because I can't focus for 10 fucking days. I couldn't sit in the fucking thing watching some chikula hula drinking pineapple juice when I know that shit's going down here. You know what? I could probably go fucking get a BMW or whatever. I want a Cadillac. I'm going to get a Cadillac in the next few weeks. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm going to get a fucking Cadillac. Look at you. You know, I'm a fucking American. I got a fucking Cadillac. Okay, when I came to this country, if you had a

fucking Cadillac, you were a fucking American. If you had a Buick, that was success. All of a sudden, now you got to be a, I'm going to get a Cadillac. That's what Cubans get. They get Cadillacs. In 1955, there was more Cadillacs in Cuba than when they were in the fucking United States. You know why? Because that's American fucking class. A Cadillac is fucking class. That's what Cadillac means. Being white, slinging dick and having fucking class. And that's all you fucking need. You know, I don't need a $300,000 car to let you know what I'm thinking or feeling in fucking sight. I never understood that. I could wear a fucking $10 pair of jeans. You've never seen me with a pair of jeans with a pocket in the fucking back to impress nobody. I'm not here to impress

nobody. That's shit fucking sale. I never had to do it when I was 20. I never had to do it when I was 30. I never had to do it when I was 40. I'm not going to do it in fucking 50. People in this country live to impress everybody. How can you sit there and tell me that movie's a good movie? Because you got 80 little jerk off buddies that are sitting there with you. And God forbid, you're not part of a fucking clique. God forbid in this country, you leave the house now and you don't have a cup of fucking Starbucks in your hand. Can you imagine that? God fucking forbid. Or you have like 7-Eleven and that's the wrong cup. Yeah, that's the wrong cup. God forbid you don't have certain fucking things in this country anymore.

I would still not have a fucking phone. I wouldn't have a fucking phone, but it's necessary. It really isn't. And I had a pager for years. Did you not hear Joe Rogan tell you what the fuck is? I had a pager for fucking years. You know guys, you can live your life however you fucking want to. I just feel that sometimes people live their lives for other people to let other people know the things they have and whatever. I hate all that shit. Oh yeah. You know? Oh and I would never like, I would never like try to do it to make, it's not for other people, it's for me, but even with the new iPhone coming out, they just announced it last week and it comes out like at the end of this week. I'm going to get it because my phone's dying, but like why can't I

buy a different phone and then it's like to have an iPhone is sort of like people look weird at you if you don't. And like the car I have now is as nice as any car that my parents had. Like my parents, we grew up in a nicer town, but we weren't at the high, like people have made millions in my town and my dad did great, but it wasn't, like the car I have now is the same. But like it's kind of like you got emotional when you said you were getting a Cadillac. Like if I ever got, that's a success for me, a Cadillac. That's what my mother said, a Cadillac. I don't think that, I just, Lee, it eats me up. What a nation of sheep we've become. We all have to be the same. We all have to be the same, man, or it just ain't the same. The fucking tattoo business,

God forbid you don't have a fucking tattoo today. God forbid you don't have a fucking goatee, you're not bald or whatever the fuck today. God, you know, God forbid you don't, you know, and it's like, I think we're forgetting who the fuck we are. You forget who the fuck we are. You know, that's why I'm happy I went home. You know, you can't put a silk hat on a pig. I'm a fucking pig. I've always known who the fuck I am. And I tell people sometimes, I explain to me, you know, I'm a fucking savage. You do know I'm an animal. I don't give a fuck about that shit. You do know that. I could lie to you, or I could pull you aside like a man and go, what's wrong with you? The fuck is wrong. You don't give a fuck about that shit. You know what I'm

saying? I really don't. This is what matters to me, you know, but like I said, that's what makes us special, that we're each different. I just don't ever want to have to live my life to show somebody that I'm making money or valet parking. You know, somebody once told me that image was everything in LA. Well, if image was everything, I'm going to be a nothing because I'm not going to give you the image that you want. I'm going to be for a long time. I did that, bro. When I first got here, I was worried about the industry. And then the whole time I'm on coke and the whole time I got to realize that I am what I am. You know, I told somebody a statement back home the other day, a Spanish kid I grew up with.

We went to lunch and we were talking about another friend of mine. And I explained to him that in my hometown in New Jersey, Northbury, they're very nice and people are very nice to me growing up. But at the end of the day, I'll always be a spectator just the way life is. I'll always be a spectator. And as long as you, as soon as you find that out, it's going to make your life a lot fucking easier. I hated my uncle for years. I hated Lazaro for years. And it took me 20 years to realize I hated him because he woke me up. He made me realize that the world didn't owe me a fucking living. You know, I walked around at 21 and 22. I'm just one son. This is what happened to me. Always made the world owes me a fucking living. No, it don't. I hated when I found that out.

If Lee would have told me, I wouldn't have been mad at Lee. But since my uncle told me and he loved me and he was supposed to care for me. And he told me the truth about life. I got mad at him for 20 years. And that's the truth. The world don't know you a fucking living, you know? We got to make our own fucking dough. And it's so weird how everybody lives for everybody else now. You know, I hang out with certain people sometimes and they talk about money. It drives me fucking crazy Lee. Just, you know, and just you don't have to tell me you had a first class ticket to come here. All you had to do was tell me you flew here. That's it. Yeah. Tell me about you had this, you had that. I think we get caught up in that. I stayed in this, you know, and I love it. I love

going back to who the fuck I am. I would hate to straight the fuck away from who I am. Like I said, when I first got here, between the blow, I took a lot of shit from people because I was on blow. And God forbid if you blew that my little circle, God forbid if I couldn't be home by eight o'clock at night doing a line of coke, God forbid Lee, God forbid that you blew. So I would live my life not smacking you in the mouth for saying something to me just because I knew you would put me in jail and throw me off for four or five or six days. You know what I'm saying? And then one day when I like three or four months before before I got up to coke that came to me that before I did the code before I got into county before I became an actor, I was a man so I have to act like a

fucking man. You know what I'm saying? I start to act like a fucking man. These people that walk around with nine out of ten times in LA, they're not fucking men. That's why when I go home, I enjoy going home because I'm around men again. Men, they're men. They live their life their fucking way. They don't give a fuck what this guy says or this agent or they're scared not to say this or not give you an answer, not looking the eye. I went back to where men are, you know, and that's always a fucking nice circle for me. You know what I'm saying, Doug? That's great. Yeah. And because you said when I went back to North Bergen with you,

we went to Joan Warnie's house and Joan is great, but she lives in... It's not a bad... Projects. It's a project. It's a project. It's North Bergen project, but they've done them up. It's nice project. But the thing you said to me, when we left, you said, if I move back here, this is where I live. Yeah. So it's weird. Do you ever feel guilty like Joan's there and you're here, like I shouldn't get the Cadillac or something? No, I work hard for this. I work hard. I work hard. I get up twice a week and do this. I get up on Thursdays and fly, and I write jokes, and I go to a coffee shop, and I put effort into this. You know, for years, I didn't realize why nobody came to see me. How much effort did I put into it? Now that people come to see me,

I got to put effort. I got to be prepared. I got to be rested. I can't be fucked up on stage. A couple of weeks ago, somebody wrote a fucking remark on Facebook, that Twitter, that, you know, Joey, you were too high when you got on stage. You didn't hit the mark at the theater in Wisconsin. Thank God Joe Rogan was there. You know, I could have smacked that fucking guy. But what he didn't understand was in those theaters, my timing is off. That's number one. I'm not making an excuse for myself. My timing is really off in those theaters. And number two, I go out there cold. There ain't nobody in front of me. Oh, you're the first show? Yeah, I'm the first fucking savage you see. So a lot of people don't know that. So I'll say, oh, he was off that night. Anybody who came

to fucking Gotham, no, I wasn't off. No, my timing is perfect. That's why I prefer being in a smaller fucking venue. It works for me. My ranch worked better in a fucking venue. You follow me so you know where you do better. Not that I'm not funny in a fucking theater. I didn't say that. I'm not saying don't to come see me in a theater. If I ever get to that level, I will play smaller theaters for it to be more intimate. I'd rather be right fucking there with you. I want to be right there with you, bro. I don't want to be 10,000 feet from you looking like some thing. No, no, no, no. I don't like none of that shit. I really don't. You know, it's just some things. I became a comic because I was a fucking loser and I had nothing else. Okay, we all know that. I had nothing else

going on. So I don't do this for two things. I never did this. So people point to that me. I'm high. You know, when you're stoned, you don't want nobody fucking with you, do you? And yeah, I know. You just want to sit in the back of the restaurant and mind your fucking business. That's it. I'm not into that, man. When people call me a celebrity, it hurts my fucking feelings. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm a fucking comedian with fucking felonies. I mugged the hooker. I tied up Guy up. That was a long time ago. And I'm a comic, but I always keep that in mind. So I don't lose control of who the fuck I am. Do you follow me? I don't ever want to lose control and think I'm all because I should be there at 1030 because

I did this. No, no, I was like, I was busting these balls that you got to make time to go swimming I got to be at work and then call them. Tommy got something to do in the fucking morning. You know, boss, he said to me, I was, he said, I should do that. I said, I got to be at work at 930. He said, call them, tell them there's too much traffic. You're not going to fight the traffic. I'll see you at 11 o'clock. I'm like, I don't want you. I'll see you at 11, boss. Okay. It's really weird. I've done movies with people and you got to hear how they act and how they make people wait on them. I can, I hate that shit. Hey, listen, people have mishaps. Sometimes alarm don't go off. Fuck this morning. My alarm went off too fucking early. You know,

that's the worst when your alarm goes off too fucking early. Yeah, that's why you're so fired up. But did he read the article about why Robin Williams is doing his new show? No, he says in the article, he said, I had two divorces. I have to sell the house in Napa. I need the money. And he said, he said, he said, I can, he said I had three options. I could do a stand up tour. I could do independent movies for scale or I can do this. And he said having a regular job sounded better. So it's like, like, you don't want to have to like, there's no way that show is going to be good. It can't be good when you go into it for that reason. Well, you know, man, listen, the more money you make, the more money you spend. You know, that's just the way life is.

It's nothing. You're not going to make $8 million and only pay $400 a month, right? You're going to go, what the fuck am I doing? You know, you're gonna, and after a while, you keep that up. But the money doesn't come in for these guys. You know, they spend money. They got butlers, whatever the fuck they have, they each have a little different thing. My big thing is acupuncture. It costs me cost me $47 a week. That's $200 a month. I don't drink. I don't really go to bars. I don't go to strip clubs. You know, I go to a YMCA. I go to stupid jiu-jitsu. I go to a swimming program with my daughter and hang out with my wife. That's it. You know, Felicia said something to me. She goes, you live your life very frugally. Am I cheaply?

Not at all. Not at all. You know, I spend dealers. But you do it with food. That's what I'm saying. You don't have the material things. You do not events, but activities sort of stuff. Right before your daughter's baptism, we went to Morton's. Morton's, yeah. We could have just gone to, I don't know, outback or somewhere like that, but we went to fucking Morton's. Doug, you know, you work hard and you have to choose where, you know, I don't want to give people the wrong impression of who the fuck I am or what I stand for. Not at all. Not at all. And he didn't dress up like I felt like I, I went, I went like, I was like, you called me like,

we're going to Morton's in 20 minutes. It wasn't even a big deal. He called me like, can you be here in half an hour? I remember when I used to sell cars. Yeah. I used to sell cars. Let's face it, these guys were fucking criminal pieces of shit. And now they're making a 60, 70, 80,000 a month, 60, 70, 80,000 a year, and they would play golf and they would look at them and go, you guys, how can, oh, we love golf. You guys were just robbing somebody yesterday. Do you know what I'm saying? Like to me, golf has always been a game where you're trying to be somebody. Like, well, we play golf, you know, that's great. You know, whatever, whatever, not that I'm a Michael or whatever, just always

seem like it was a, a look down on your type of sport. You know what I'm saying? Like we're not playing football, we're playing golf. Oh, really? In the country, being belong to the country club? Yeah, and all that. Is that a big thing out here? Are there country clubs or there has to be? There has to be. You know, all these people play golf. Oh my God, we had a tee time. You know, whatever, whatever, what the fuck? We never put that as your baseball status. What's that? Good early tee times. I have so many people who do that. Get the fuck out of here. You know, so right away, I'm supposed to be in prayer. Get the fuck out of here. So it's just, uh, that's the big thing. Like I hated those guys. Like,

we're gonna play golf. Bro, you were robbing somebody yesterday. You know, it was like cocaine when we come out. Like a lot of people always talk about cocaine. Cocaine when it first came out was not a high thing. It took me a year to get high off cocaine the first time. Do you know that I kept doing it like an idiot going, I don't know what to expect. And then when they drank a beer and I go, Oh, here it is. Now I'm fucking high. But for a long time cocaine was a status thing. You know, I heard a comedian on stage that they're talking about how Mayor Bloomberg is trying to raise the price of soda. You know, he tried to get the soda tax. People were paying a hundred a gram for cocaine. You think if a fucking fat kid wants a fucking

soda, he's not going to have a fucking soda. He's not going to borrow a quarter from another fucking fat kid. Fat kids work together. I think I would fat fucking kids too. They always got a fucking quarter. That's why they're fucking fat. You know what I'm saying? What the fuck is wrong with people? I'm going to raise the fucking soda and they're going to buy people paid a hundred dollars a gram for fucking cocaine. Something that was finished in an hour. You know why? Because it made them feel better about themselves. It wasn't about getting high. It was such a great high or my dick gets so hard. It made you feel better. Put you in a different fucking. What's that system in the old days, the caste system? Yeah, you were fucking Mooli or you were fucking

Puerto Rico or you were a white dude. Same fucking thing, okay? When you snorted coke, you became a fucking white person with skills and you were very interesting and you were an artist. You was the office of the gentleman? Of course not because it's a good fucking movie. It won 18 Academy Awards. There's a line in there, Deborah Winger. In the 80s, this was the best fucking line. Women, you would ask women, like, what are you doing here? I'm here to meet better people to improve myself. At a fucking bar, you're going to meet better people. Save that fucking line for somebody who gives a fuck. I'm here to improve and to soak. Get the fuck. You're here to suck a dick. That's why you're here. You come here to drink three drinks for somebody to buy you a drink and for

you to suck their fucking dick. Am I lying? That's a square root. Correct or wrong? No, I come out to meet people. What the fuck do you want to meet? What are you going to meet? I'll bond Gaddafi. What the fuck are you going to meet? What the fuck are you going to meet that's interesting at a fucking bar on the corner by your house in the city where you grew up in some bum-fuck-fucking city? Let me go to the corner. I'm going to meet interesting people. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking momo. What were we talking about? I have no idea. Me neither. Where the fuck are you? Anyway, you know what I did do yesterday? And here's the truth. Here's the fucking truth, Ruth. Friday night, I didn't get home till four in the morning, 3.39. Yeah, you said you got out of

1.30. I slept from fucking 4 to 10, went to eat and then came back and took a little catnap. I knew Saturday was going to be the same. So I knew I had to be at the car. I was picking me up at 4.30 to drive me to the fucking airport. So I knew that I wasn't going to get any sleep. So basically, I drank a lot of water Saturday. I took a nap. I ate an edible in the morning and got me high. I took a nice long nap and I drank a bunch of water and I got in the plane and that was it. But on the plane, I drank a bunch of water also, but I didn't sleep. And anybody who knows if you try to sleep on a plane, it sucks dick. And if you're tired, it's even fucking worse because you can't get comfortable and it's warm and blah blah blah. And the edible was fucking

hit me and I started getting stressed out. I got off that fucking plane yesterday and I went home and my wife went to church and right away I said, fuck, I'm just going to lay down. I laid down. When I got up, I didn't feel too good. I had a cup of coffee and I popped three fucking alpha brains. I took a shower and I got to tell you something. Within two fucking hours, I felt so fucking good. I answered 80 fucking emails. I did sit-ups, punch, you know, I did some squats. I did some push-ups, whichever ones I could do. I do the girl ones. And I felt great. You know, man, I don't give enough credit to alpha brain. I really fucking don't. Sometimes you get caught up and I didn't get high yesterday. So I got to feel the effect. I sat down. I wrote a

couple of lines in the book. You know, I did so many little things and at the end of the night, I go, wow, I was tired. Everything was perfect. Annette makes a great product. By the way, Aubrey's in town. I'm going to try to shoot a video this week. Or Annette does make a great product and I take it for fucking granted. I'm not a vitamin freak, but I like to take vitamins and periods and see how they work 90 days and see how I feel. I write down little notes. I got to taste them. Ever since I've been taking the Annette products, whether it's the hemp force, whether it's the fucking shroom tech for jiu-jitsu, whether it's the fucking strong bone from my fucking toe, my toe was healed. I still got the flip flop on because with the sneakers, sometimes

it gets sore. Like this week, it did get a little sore. But my fucking toe was healed. And it usually takes eight weeks to fucking heal. It took fucking five weeks with the strong bone. So do whatever the fuck you need to do. Somebody asked me if it helps with lung function. I'm not really sure that they smoked a lot of weed. I'm not really sure. And I gave him the answer. I told him the truth. If you want to write on it directly, all I know is for jet lag. If you want to fucking make a big day, you want to be creative. If you want more fucking energy in your workouts, if you want to repair something that might be hurting, like you chipped a bone or something in your knee, this does not repair. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is go to annette.fuckingcom, go to the box,

press on what my brother, church, church, C-H-U-R-C-H. And that's all you need to fucking do. Press that and fucking you get 10% off. Plus you got the mainland. And this is just for minerals and vitamins. Not for the fucking kettlebells and all that shit. I can't help you out there. I'm talking about the minerals. We need to get fucking healthy. Start with the alpha brain, the shroom tech sport, the shroom tech fucking immune, whatever you want to try in that family. I tell you what, you will not be disappointed. You know, we don't fuck around here. Let me give you some shout outs here to some of these cock suckers. Let's go for it. That's what you didn't have a call. My little girl, Lady J, Armani, your bad motherfucker, Brian Gregrosian,

Cody Daniel, dirty freaking, dirty fucking J, Ash, whatever. Jensen, congrats. You know, I love you. And Emilio Guerrero. I love you too. By the way, I gotta tell you something else. What's going on? Got a lot of fucking thank you notes. And this is how we roll here on the church, okay? Because we don't break nobody's ball. Sometimes people contact us. I tell a lot of people no on certain things. As soon as I got hooked up with this dollar shaped club, I knew it was going to get like it. And a lot of fucking people emailing me saying thank you. It's a fucking bargain for nine bucks a month. The blades, the fucking butter for your face, the peppermint towelettes for your asshole, which we discussed Friday when we had the guy calling

her. Did you try those peppermint wipes on your ass? I haven't been to bathroom. You already tried them? Yeah. You bad motherfucker. You try them on your little pinguita too? No. Because they work for your helmet too. You rub some on your helmet. It's sucking a fucking candy can. You know what I'm saying? You didn't think about that, huh? No, because the peppermint can fill the peppermint when you do it on your butt. So it's like, I don't know how I want to do this on the. What does it feel like? Does it jingle in your ass? It just feels like cold. Feel like you'd like have like a mint or something. One white fucking Charlie right here. Look at these fucking blades. Tremendous. And look at this. You got the butt butter, the butter

shave. It stops with all this. $9 a fucking month. And you get this right here. This blade. Look that's what it does. You can use this as a fucking weapon. That's how we roll here. DollarShaveClub.com. What do they put in the box? Church. Church and Joey. Joey's for Hulu Plus. Oh, Joey for Hulu Plus. Church for fucking Dollar Shave Club. And they even got a program for a dollar. Even if you want to be a fucking Jew, a dollar. If you want to be a half a Jew, six dollars. And if you want to live like a pimp, $9 a fucking month, you get the razor, I'll bring your fucking head off. You get everything here. Lee, you playing the music from here? I did. I played it. I want to be around. But what else did you play for me? I'm about to play something else. Hit him. Hit him.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That smokes and weed. It's Monday. We got this. It's people off on the right move. I give you the world if it was mine. Oh, shit. Listen to it. Let's go drop it. Oh, my god. Come on, brother. It takes some weed with your uncle Joey. Nothing to say to lower. I said to smoke some weed with your uncle Joey. Kick that shit. She'll give you the world if it was hers. Who's giving you the fucking world? Oh, let me see you with the phone with your tongue. Oh, shit. You bad motherfucker. Look at you with the little happy lapule mustache. Who you think you dealing with? Tell that people. It's Monday. Get out there. Do some jumping jacks.

Wash your cock. There's a fucking asshole. Wait for you somewhere if you just stick that helmet in. Oh, shit. Feeling good, motherfucker. This is your day right here. This is your give you the world if it was hers. We know about this. You even wiggle for your uncle Joey? I just did wiggle for you. Listen. It feels fine. It's a fucking jam, Lee. Get back up. Wait, go for your uncle Joey. Let me see a little bit. Oh, shit.

When you shave your little peppy lapule mustache, you use a dollar shave club? I use a dollar shave club for my neck and the tops. I have to use a beard trimmer. It's looking. I want to see it trim. Trim it all the way like a Fidel fucking thing. Trim it even more. It looks good. Nobody has that. You'd be fucking original. You'd be an OG, dog. I already am an OG motherfucker. That's why I love you. Don't call Job today. I'll fucking stab you, cocksucker. I put him on a mission two weeks ago. Everything you call. Do you want to see my phone? I called him. I left a message. No, you haven't because I called him. He's like, I don't get no message from number.

And I come in and he's like, look at my phone. I get the fuck out of here. You didn't call him. Then you get stoned in the morning. You forget. I understand. You got to stop smoking dope. I do. You got to stop smoking dope. Terrible life I leave. You know, I leave 10 roaches. Yeah, I come back and I'm in a roach left. You smoked it all. You get a little gray. We got to do roaches. You see this one? This one's called Stinky Finger. I got everything over here. Oh, fuck. How am I going to go to work? I told you, you're not going to 1130 and get in the pool, do some jumping jazz, get some sun out. It was cloudy this morning. It's fucking, that's it. The heat is gone, dog.

Oh, she can't stand it up here. Who? The girl. Why not? It's hit like 100 every weekend. Oh, please. It's fucking burning up here in the valley. We don't fuck around up here in the valley. Oh, fuck. I don't go outside. So I don't notice, but it was hot yesterday. It was 107 or something. I got in the car yesterday. And where did we go yesterday? Went to get some fucking salad. And then I'm going to drink some coffee and the baby was fidgety. So that was it. I took home. Now, let me tell you something, man. I learned a lot this weekend. I learned a lot about myself. You know, I learned a lot

about where I came from, you know, the people. I saw just specific people. I saw Loops. I saw Carlos Cantero. You know, I just saw people that I look at now and I looked at that and they believed in me when nobody else believed in me. These people believed in me when I had nothing going on, dog. Nothing. When all I had was my word and me and, you know, they could count on me for certain things and they couldn't. And now life is different. You know, I could talk to them, we go to lunch. I could be seen in public with them. You know, it's just different. It's just, and I realized something else and I'm old. I realized that life fucking moves fast, guys. Fucking life moves fast. And yeah, I still feel like I'm 20 in my mind and my memory is great.

You know, but man, life moves, guys. So do me a fucking favor. Take advantage. It moves. I blew 30 fucking years. I blew 30 years late. That's the way you think about it? Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I was 27 and I was 44. I did blow for 10 years too long. You know, I fucked around for 10 years too fucking long. Don't don't don't do that, guys. Fucking get to it. Get to this, bro. It's it's fucking quick, man. 30 fucking years. You know, I didn't see one of the girls and I was thinking about her. She was going to come up and I was supposed to go to her father's house, but I took the nap and I went over there and I never ride up there. And I was thinking that 30 years ago, I was dating her 30 fucking years ago. You know,

think about if you would join the army when you're 18, you're out when you're 38 and 18, they tell you 20 years. It seems like a fucking eternity, but it's really not. We haven't known you three years already. I know. It feels like two months. It feels like two months, but it's three, four fucking years, you know. Just just if you take any fucking advice, man, it moves fucking faster than what you think. And I'm looking at these people that I knew when I was 18. At one point, Venerian Vellano came to see me at the hotel and we sat in the lobby. And I'm looking at these guys thinking we were 18. We were eight fucking teens. I left here when I was in my 20s. The one guy was going to be mayor. I left to leave to come back to be his driver.

That was my whole golden life, guys. Can you believe that when I left North Bergen at 22 years old, my plan was to leave, to stay out of town for 20 years, to do something for 20 years. So when he became mayor, I could come back and be his driver. That was my golden life. So think about this. How much our goals fucking changed. That was my goal. I'm sitting there thinking like he was going to be my pension, Venerian. This was going to be my savior. And look, he didn't become the fucking mayor, the fucking spruce that he is. Does Mercy have anything to do with this? Because I mean, she must be growing up pretty fast. I mean, I know she is, but like the fact that she's here, are you noticing it more? No, I've noticed it with me, you know.

This week, see, this week, the 15th, it was either yesterday or one day next week, it was when I robbed that jewelry store. Oh, really? And if you really think about it, that was 31 years ago. 31 years ago, me and two other fucking idiots ran out of a jewelry store with fucking jewelry. Like a fucking loser. That was three lifetimes ago. And yeah, you know, nobody brought it up this time, you know what I'm saying? But it still sits in the back of my fucking mind that I had the audacity and the balls to try something like that and got away with it. You know, got away with it partly. The other half it killed me, you know, inside, but it's just so fucking weirdly that life moves fast. And you're 25 today, Lee, and you're having a good time. And

I tell you, it's like you go into a trance and then you wake up and you're 34. Then you get involved in something else and you wake up and you're 41 and you're like, what the fuck just happened? And now you're like, now I got to do something, you know, and you're okay, you're probably okay, you're probably working and you're getting along in life, but something's missing. And that's what was missing here. But that's what I really thought about this weekend, how fast it fucking moves, man, fucking moves fast. Was it special for you for like, because like, you've been back to New York and did a show with some of your friends and like, one of the guys who was one of your friends like made a stink or something. But like this, the shows, can you believe that that idiot showed

up Saturday night? Oh, he showed up again? Guess what else? What? Coked up again. And guess what else? He heckled again. Again. I didn't even give him the time of day. And here's the sad thing that I looked at him, I gave him a look and I pointed at him. Like, like hold on one second. And two minutes later, his wife got up and the couple they were with, his wife got up and they left. Oh, shit. Because they were embarrassed to sit with him. So I thought about calling him Sunday and asking him where he got his balls from to do that again to me. And I call and I was thinking about calling him last night. And it came to me last night that his wife got up from the table from the embarrassment, you know, and he doesn't even see it, you know, and I feel bad for the guy.

I'm not going to call him. But if he ever shows up to one of my shows, I'm going to go to the manager and tell him to refund his money. I'm going to go in my pocket and give him his money and ask him to leave in public, not in front of everybody because I'm not into doing. And I was going to say something to him the other night. But I figured why ruin it for these fucking people. If I give that idiot attention, he won. I'm stronger than him as a comic. The last time he ruined my show in New York, which I didn't want to fucking do because my friends are too many people were there from North America. Too many people didn't give a fuck about me growing up. They were there to judge. They were there to lay judgment. This time, those people didn't show up.

They know the non grotesque there. I don't want those people there. There's nothing between us. That was 30 fucking years ago. That bitter end. I like Peter Fogle. I love Peter Fogle. He's one of my best buddies, one of my biggest USP fans. If you're ever in New York, always go to a fucking bitter end and support them. They got great fucking bands. They do great by bands. I mean, the legendary. But that night, I'm so embarrassed in front of Peter till this day because of my friends. First off, I bombed that night. I bombed miserably because I let my friends get to me. I let them by going in there and seeing them. I let them alter my material. I didn't want them to see me on stage for some reason. It was the weirdest fucking thing.

And then him, that a nandy kid and that Brian Burns, those two morons together, heckling me fucking completely threw me the fuck off. And I let it, you know, I let it fluster me. Plus the people who came to see me. There were 60 people there that shouldn't have been there. They came there to watch and to condemn. You know what I'm saying? Like they came there the way Frank, one of the girls hit me up three weeks ago, left me a fucking message that our cousin, I couldn't believe she had the fucking balls. I could not believe she had the fucking balls. You know, so that was a disaster. So that's why he started heckling me towards like the 30 minute mark. I heard little things. He kept saying Cuba, Cuba, like a fucking moron, you know,

like a fucking retard, you know, what is that? How's that got off? And I said, like a retard. So it was just really, really, uh, I didn't give him the crap. And then when he came out, I saw him recording my and again, I was going to say something right there. And there was a hundred people waiting for a photograph. And I said, why would I ruin these people's nights with this? Why would I fucking ruin these people's nights with this? So I just let it go. But was it like, let's just like do Friday night then because you had a bunch of people there. Was it special to do it in front of them? And then like, what did it feel like for them to see close that window? Like, was it cool? I got a call from Lisa Messino last night. I got a call

from George Kolodinsky last night. I got a call from a buddy of mine yesterday who said, I got to first tell you what the club on the told me. And this is way before this, the club on the told me in Philadelphia and the guy told me somewhere else, the club on the told me in Utah and Salt Lake city. He said, the people who came to see you tonight were totally fucking crazy, but they behaved perfectly. Do you understand me? These death squad people, these church of what's happening now, people, whatever the fuck we are, because we're not a fan club. We're not that shit. We're not a gang. We're just a state of mind. Are the nicest fucking people they tip, they get drunk, they smoke dope, they yell,

they scream, but they gentlemen. And that's why we're having such a fucking great time. That was amazing this week. I've had some pretty amazing fucking outside shows. I always try to do something after a fucking show outside. If I'm headlining, I'm out there banging that after a show, sniffing armpits, grabbing asses, you know me. I'm rubbing up against tits. Ladies love to rub those big fucking jugs against my arm. It's tremendous. I love it. My fucking arm gets a heart on the middle, but it's New York was something different because I grew up 40 blocks from there in either direction. Whether I went up, I grew up on 88th street or I went that way to the fucking west or whatever

direction it is. I grew up there. So it was even more special to me. And for my friends to call, you know, Danny is blown away. He goes, I was at the bar and so many people came up to me and said, I'm sorry about your brother. I don't even know Gary. I don't even know Gary. I don't even know Gary, but that's the people we're running with. We're all sympathetic to our needs. And that's what this is all about. This is just going to get bigger and better. Our show's going to be something that we do on the street. Play that fucking thing again. I can't believe it. From the beginning, when you had that, when somebody emailed that to me, that's crazy. This is the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard. And it was really 150 people

at that some point. Because the show's ran late. This is probably, I was thinking about it, this is probably towards the end of it, I would imagine. Because by the time you got your phone out and stuff, but like it's still pretty, like this, this poor guy. I didn't get my phone. I didn't tape this. No, no, no. I'm not saying, by the time they did, but this poor guy is just like, he has no shirt hanging over his dark room. He's probably sad. He's alone on a Friday night and he gets this. That is amazing. I want to cry. I want to cry. You guys are fucking tremendous. You guys are fucking what they said. Go to bed. It was, and that's not me. I didn't start nothing. These are fucking,

this is what we are, dawg. We're fucking savages. You know what? We're having a great time. And I want to thank you guys. I want to thank you for making my life. Just thank you. Thank you. That's all I got to say to you motherfuckers. You know, thank you for making my, since, since Saturday morning, I've been walking around fucking fucked up. I was fucked up Saturday morning. It was like a bittersweet fucking thing because on the way back, George kept saying, dawg, it's like, you have an army. I go, we are an army and we don't want anything. We don't want to take over nothing. We don't want to fucking beat nobody up. We don't want to fight against another gang. That's bullshit. That's behind this. All we want to do is be the best we can be. That's what this

army is about. Oh, it's getting up in the morning and fucking getting out there and picking up a piece of paper and telling people to shut the fuck up cocksucker with your dumb movie and taking classes and, you know, drinking water and just taking care of yourself and being the best you could be, man, every fucking day. That's all this is about. That's all I want from fucking being on nothing. Yeah, you said, you said you got off stage at 130 and by, you looked at the clock and you got back to the hotel. It was four o'clock. It was three 40. I stayed outside till probably 10 to three talking to people. There were some goofy fucks outside that were drunk that still wanted to get higher and I'm like, we've already smoked dirty joints. You know,

people were eating chivo chews. I seen kids that brought edibles. People brought their own edibles. They must have been messed up because I got messages. Sorry. I messaged you. It was crazy outside. It's like, I wasn't there. It was fucking crazy outside. I called you. Yeah, I was, I was going to call you because I was watching already laying and I looked at my phone. It was like 1130. I was like, oh, he's probably getting ready for the show. Like, you don't go on at like, right when the show starts, but I didn't want to get in your head and I saw a call from me and like, oh shit. And I couldn't hear, I heard yelling and all of her was, hello, like, hello. He's like, what are you doing, cocksucker? You're a Jew. You don't answer the phone on a Friday.

Lee and this, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee and I'm like, oh my fucking God. These people are fucking great. But listen, man, I couldn't do this without you, motherfuckers. So I appreciate everything. That's it. That's it. It's Monday. It's Monday. Go out there, rock the house. Don't forget the other thing I got to tell you, motherfuckers. Again, this is still on. I think it's ending at the end of this month. Oh, plus two weeks, gratis, free. Oh God, it's nothing. You watch all your fucking favorite shows. Plus they have original programming. After the first, after the two weeks, how much is it? $7.99. $7.99. That's right. This ain't a fucking dream. $7.99. That's $8 a fucking month. That's $96 a fucking year. Okay. Right? Right. Who's better than Hulu?

All you got to do is go to huluplus.com and write Joey, or go to joeydeas.net and write, just click on the banner. You don't got to write shit. You don't even need a keyboard. How about I stab you with this can of fucking soda? I don't know. I'll figure out a fucking way. All right. So what do they press when they go to huluplus? Joey, huluplus.com slash Joey, or just go to the joeydeas. Just go to your website, click on the banner. It's a good fucking Monday. You got huluplus to watch TV. You got dollar shave clubs. You could save your balls and wash your ass while you're watching TV. And you got on it. You could pop one of those and you could be jumping jacks after you shave your asshole

and powder your fucking nuggets with peppermint fucking powder. Wipe your ass, Charlie, whatever the fuck. You should have your phone in the bathroom while you're shaving and just watch huluplus. See, that's how we work it out here. And popping on alpha brains. Who's better than fucking us here at the church? What's happening now? Again, have a great fucking day. New York, I don't know what to tell you guys. You guys were off the hook and there was a lot of people who drove there and who came out. We got a great show Wednesday. So keep doing what the fuck you do. I don't have anything to talk to you about, man. You know what they did? People are planting fucking trees at cemeteries. So what do you mean? Like I have that fucking lot,

you know, like belongs to my mother, right? Yeah. On that lot, people are planting fucking trees. So once the tree gets big, the leaves fly into your... I mean, there was like a tree, two things down from me. It just shocked the fuck out of me. But even going to that cemetery, it's amazing that I was... I've been going there for 30 fucking years too. 32 years, 33 years too, you know. I can't imagine having to walk by it every day because like my worst fear is my mom dying. But if I had to, like let's say she was buried right out there, I would have to move. I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I mean, you said that you had to walk on the different side of the street, but you could still see it. You really fucking could. Yo, lie the candle if you love

somebody today. God knows what they're thinking. God knows what they're doing. They're watching over you and that's all that fucking matters at the end of the day. The church of what's happening now, coming at you the 16th of September. Do what you need to fucking do. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also, don't forget to sign up for our friends at dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality

razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. We love these guys and you will too. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joeyds.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Have a good day. Stay black and stay beautiful. Be careful out there. Love you. Yeah. Keep the F for secret. Why not? Why blow up my spot? Because we both got hot. Now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed. Believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the need. No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with Benz. It's C-notes by the layers. True to life

players. Jump in the rover and come over. Tell your friends jump in the GM3. I got the chronic by the trends. Throw your hands in the air. If you's a true player. To the honeys, get your money. Play your fellas like themies. You got a gun up in your waist. Please don't shoot up the place. Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby.