Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/17/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #7

Episode Date: September 18, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about Joey's trip to the mid west, people standing on line, stinky people on planes and much much more.  Get it together! Recorded 09/17/2012

When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as long Ready? Good morning, cock-lickers. Namaste, cock-suckers. Joey Cocodillas. Lisa, I had to find you.

The church of what's happening now is back. Happy Monday, cock-suckers. Thank you very much for making a comeback. Skinny Finney's here going to say hello. Say hello, cock-sucker. That's right, that's right, cock-suckers. Say hello again. All right, get the fuck out.

I love you. Stay black. What's happening, you beautiful cock-suckers? We're here fresh Monday morning. Positively, you want to open that door and let this pig out before we start. Over here smoking dope, drinking green tea. Fucking Burt Kreischer got me back on the green tea ever since he got on his cleanse, right?

Oh yeah, he left for 20 pounds in like a few weeks. Yeah, no, he's on a fucking roll now. He's over in Chicago, trip flipping, sweating bullets. Every time he walks past the hot beef fucking sandwich, because that's what he really wants, you know what I'm saying? Lisa, what the fuck you've been flying around the city with your little fucking yamacan cock-suckers? You know how I do, I got to get a yamacan

and slip in the past couple weeks. What are you going to do, brother? It's Monday, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I got to tell you something, Lee. I went to fucking Minneapolis last week. Yeah, you said it was amazing. You know, man, we live in California, it's beautiful here, the sun, the weed and all that shit,

but here's the problem with the Midwest, I love. Here's the only problem with the Midwest. The fucking food is so good. The food is so good. And I'll tell you what else, you know, like, from the 30 years of smoking, you know, snorting coke and sniffing assholes and shit and eating ass, my fucking senses and my nose have gone away.

I can't, there's times I can taste food, there's times I can't taste food. When you go to the Midwest and you eat, like when you eat a steak, Lee, the fucking steak is a steak, and it tastes like a steak. Like here in LA, you go to Dantana, you go to a great steak house,

it's a fucking great steak. And the Midwest, you get a steak for $10 and it's fucking delicious. Yeah, they do what you should do. You go, you get a good piece of meat and you put it over a charcoal and that's it. Delicious, the fucking eggs. You could taste the eggs and the fucking,

like when you, the egg yolks were huge. They looked like big fucking nipples from the 60s. Because in the 60s, women had bigger fucking nipples. Now they got the little teeny ones, they look like a half a finger, it must be something with the fucking water in it. But they're fucking huge. The butter is richer.

You're just apples. Something as simple as fucking apples. Here, you get like half and half. It's tough to be a fat fuck any fruit because you really can't gauge it. Sometimes I buy peaches at night, and not peaches, but the things, the red ones with a lot of hair on them, whatever the fuck, plums, whatever,

I buy them at night, and then the fucking next day from the supermarket, they're fucking bad. So you gotta go to the farmer's market on Friday or something there. They were giving away apples at the hotel. It was so delicious. But when I went to do radio, the girl at the rate of the Tom Bonaccio

fucking gave me two different types of apples from a parent's farm. She gave me these apples that she's like, people pay high dollar fees. Wait till you taste this, Lee. When you bit into it, the fucking juice was everywhere. It was sweet, it would drip down your face like a fucking soldier.

I mean, so it's just so different. And I like to admit people, a lot of people in California would be like, I'm on the East Coast, and the food sucks here, but I tell you what, I go to the East Coast and it's the fucking shit you do. The fucking pizza is made by fucking Arabs. It's the same fucking shit.

I got nothing against Arabs, but you motherfuckers don't make pizza, okay? And you go back East and it's the same shit. And now it's like, for me, one of the best places to eat is Houston fucking Texas. It's a fat motherfucker. Oh, I've never been there. First of all, the portion is fucking kill you.

There's no Weight Watchers in Texas. Over and over, you could eat Chinese restaurant. And they got tons of them down there. But the Houston, more people go out to dinner in Houston than anywhere else in the fucking country. And when you go to Houston and eat, you realize what? First off, you and your wife could eat for fucking 20 bucks

and take two things home with you. You go to fucking Houston, you got Chewies, you got fucking Karabas, and that's the mother-based one. Not those fucking white satellites they put all over the country where they ask if you want Manicotti. Not that shit. I'm talking about fucking Karabas in Houston. They fucking jack you up.

They got this Blueberry Hill. I used to call it Blueberry Hill, a Berry Hill fucking tamales. That's where the Rolling Stones get tamales from. When the Rolling Stones went to Houston, they fucking went, everybody, when you do a show in local cities,

all the restaurants get to bring your food. And supposedly Berry Hill brought these tamales. That's where fucking ZZ Top used to go through. Fucking tremendous. They have these tamales. They got these tamales to the Stones. And he was telling me the story. The guitar player was telling me the story.

El Compadre, where it all goes down in Hollywood, because I had one time from Berry Hill. And the guitar player from ZZ Top was at El Compadre. I was there doing El Compadre as a fucking restaurant in Hollywood, but everything goes down. I seen Lindsay Lohan there. I've seen a bunch of people down there.

If you get what I'm talking about, you follow me. Fucking snort. Are you kidding me or what? They sell, I think they make ZZ selling margaritas and 22 million selling blow down there. They have a little guitar player that comes by and you throw like a 20 into the hole in the guitar and he opens up his arm and a Coke Rock falls on him.

Fucking tremendous Mexican restaurant. I seen him there one night. And he told me the story that when the Stones played in Houston, he brought them the fucking tamales. And Mick Jagger loved them so much that when they went to Australia, Berry Hill

sent them the tamales to us because they ship overnight. And when they went to Las Vegas one year, they shipped the fucking tamales. But, anyway, back to food. It's so weird how I went to Nashville a couple, like a month and a half ago, great fucking city, and again,

I got a slice of pizza league that would have fucking killed the horse that was so delicious in Nashville. And a black guy made it and a white wife, he had a white wife, he was from Buffalo. The fucking pizza was tremendous. I had a, what else? Fucking Nashville.

But it's so weird now, like, I didn't have any, I knew the, I was indented for fucking 15 years in Boulder, so I knew that the food was great, but it didn't come along. Now, there's good food all over this fucking country. But the point of the story being that the Midwest just has that real, it tastes real.

Here, I think we get like the bottom of the fucking barrel. You guys got weed, we'll send you the shitty fucking meat or whatever. I mean, they have to ship it in trucks all the way from everywhere across the country so I mean, it makes sense that we're not going to get the best quality stuff. But I thought we got like strawberries and shit here.

I mean, maybe Northern California. Yeah, yeah, on the way up, you see strawberries and cherries and all that shit, but no fucking farms around here, no cows and all that. You know, I'm scared of fucking animals. I see a cow, I run, you know that. You don't like cows? I always think that when I'm around them,

they're gonna fucking turn around and just bulldoze me later. One of those matter doors in the Spaniard. Oh my God, you okay? Are you just only big animals or is that it? They just look at you weird. You ever run the fucking cow, how they just look at you and they eat whatever and you're like, maybe they're thinking about eating my fat ass.

Well, I'm fat, I'm insecure. I see an animal that's bigger than me, I don't need that shit. He's looking at me going, that motherfucker's a good eater. I could tell he's a good eater. I think I just haven't been as high around cows as you've been around cows. You would look at a girl and you say, that girl's got good pussy, how do you know her?

You just assume the cow might look at us and say, bang fucking chocolate, the church of what's happening. Now, how are you gonna get up on a Monday? Go out there and pack up the fucking world ahead of you. If you're not prepared, Lee, you following me? A soldier don't go out without a fucking gun or a knife or a bayonet or a fucking dart, something.

Here you go, bang chocolate, three strength, fucking fire opening up. That's not a bayonet, that's the atomic bomb. Oh, stop, this is fine. I go out there and fucking drive on my bicycle. You following me? Yeah, the last time I saw you eat that, you were saluting Clint Eastwood behind me.

What do you want to do? What are you gonna fucking do? That's to outlaw Josie Wells. He got saluted every fucking morning. That's true, good point. I don't know who showed up to the Democratic mode of Republican convention. That poor guy was all the fuck.

Maybe he's still mad at Clint Eastwood. I don't give a fuck. He went down there, he didn't even know, he was talking to a puppet. He wasn't even in his chair. Look at a bunch of shit. I really enjoyed it. Last night was funny because, you know,

when I travel, I can't fucking fall asleep. I can't sleep in those rooms when my fan broke. Oh, Jesus. The last night, so I gotta bring an air conditioner. The air conditioner has to be down. And then I gotta bring a fan with me for the fucking noise. And the fan broke Saturday night. So, last night I tried to lay down.

I got a little stoned, you know. After I saw you, I tried to work out a little. I went for a walk and I fucking couldn't sleep. And I had a lot on my mind and I got up. And Death Wish was just starting on Sunday. It's Charles Bronson at his best. 1971 or something. I started watching him.

Go Boom did it. Jeff Go Boom plays one of the Muggers. I know he was in one of them. I didn't know which one. But it's funny how, as a kid, I thought they killed his wife. He got a gun and he started shooting fucking Puerto Ricans. No, it wasn't like that. I seen New York last night.

I caught the whole fucking thing. I loved to watch a movie and to learn something. Especially after I've seen the movie. Oh, yeah. 80 times. After I see a movie, 80 times when I watch a movie and I see some, it fucking blows me to fuck away. And it was so funny because his wife

and his daughter get raped. You know, the brother-in-law who's a half a fuck, the son-in-law who's half retarded calls a month and says, hey, you know, my mom and your daughter got raped, whatever. They get to the hospital. And the daughter's okay, but the mother got

the mother's dead. They killed his wife. But I forgot that. He went to Tucson to see some dude and the dude was teaching him how to shoot and shit. And the dude kept saying, dog, get out of the city. He moved down here to Tucson. But before he left, he put a gun in his suitcase.

He was in tech. He was a fucking crazy motherfucker in Texas. That's why I love him. They don't give a fuck. He snuck a gun in his suitcase. And that's what I caught when he went out the first night. He's standing in a park. I don't know which park it is.

And the guy comes up to him, give him my wallet, motherfucker. And he shoots that guy. And you see his face when he shoots him. Everybody says Charles Bronson wasn't a good actor, whatever. I caught a lot last night. He shoots him and he goes home. And when he gets home, he looks at his hand and he's crying. He can't believe he killed somebody.

I had never thought that. I always thought that he was a killer from the start. They showed him becoming a killer. They showed him hating it and then enjoying it. That's what makes a good movie. That's what makes a good fucking movie. They really showed him, you know, evolving. Like, he goes home after the first shot

and he fucking gets on his hands and knees and he cries and he can't believe he does it. But then he wants to go to another try. Yeah. It's like going to jujitsu the first time. It's like going to a gym and being a fat fuck. I don't really like it, but I'll come back until I like it. Yeah, that's where all the movies are coming from now.

Like the Takens and all those movies. So it's interesting to watch the 70s or whatever. Let me explain something. The fucking Taken. Somebody did that. I watched Battleship on the plane. I thought, oh my fucking god. What's your screen broken? Oh my god, America. If you paid and went to that movie,

they should beat you. They should fucking beat you for you fucking idiots. Oh my god. It didn't make sense to me. It looked like Transformers, but it was like about the battle to the end. We're in bad shape. Fucking bad, bad. It's been horrific this month of September.

Look at the numbers. They're not even telling you because the movies are so fucking bad. And it's worse because it's like the worst month or whatever in the history, but that's with more expensive tickets. So even with the costing more, they're making less money. It's fucking brutal to watch these movies sometimes.

I can't stand these new movies. I watch two or three movies a fucking year. That's it. Yeah. Unless somebody talks me into it, like I watched The Girl with the golden gun. What was her name? Is that him? I watched that. I watched the one about the kid who was born with a leaf

with Jennifer Gardner. Oh, that's the guy I haven't seen that. That's a Disney movie. My wife's pregnant. I can't take her to fucking shoot him up. She's pregnant. The kid will do backflips in the fucking groin. Whatever the fuck it is. Hey, remind me, today I got a call from one of my brothers.

We got some great calls this week. Wednesday we got Martin Perez. His father was Batista's driver in Cuba. He disappeared in the 7th grade. We never knew what happened. One day I was doing a show in Miami. This motherfucker that's calling today is his name is Frankie Balzano.

Oh, shit. This is Carmine Balzano's son that I have kept in touch with over the years. They had four boys and one of them died in the 8th grade. That made me tied up with the family. It was crazy. I was telling Lee. A kid's gotta fuck that truck.

I got pepper in it today. Oh, really? They put a fire. It's orange and a little fucking pepper in there. It's like a pepper chocolate. Something for white people. They like all this shit when they can smooth it around. Oh, my God. This chocolate is delicious. Speaking of white people. I'm going to tell you what bothers me the most

in the fucking world. I'm Spanish. I was born Spanish. I love everything about it. The food, the heritage of the culture. But once you get to California, that's where it turns because all of a sudden they have these armor wards and all these Latin Grammy Awards and people, Latino.

That shit has always driven. The top ten influential spicks in the country. Andy Garcia. It's the same fucking lineup. Gloria makes the list twice. That'd be a good award to top ten most influential spicks. Yeah, the fucking most influential Latino. These fucking spicks. Let me tell you something.

I'm a fucking Cuban. And I was raised Cuban. I like Mexicans. I like all Spanish people. Whatever. I love them. I love all that shit. But once you move to LA, it's like they want to be fucking you know, like Republicans. They want to have like Mitt Romney with the fucking head. They're all gathering around.

Oh, Como Star and they kiss each other in the cheeks twice. And then the biggest bunch of fucking pukes. Nobody ever called me. I got the longest chart and also like four Latin organizations calling me Hispanic, whatever of America. Come join us. And I went to one thing.

Had a drive to like universal city. I walked in and I walked out. I didn't want to be around. Because, you know, it's like when we had Steve Bauer on the Beauty and the Beast. We were talking. I was asking him about his upbringing. And I felt out of place. Like I'm from the crazy

ass fucking Cubans. Santeria. My father's into numbers. My mother was into numbers. My stepfather, it was Abacoa. They shot people. Usually Cubans are pretty cool. Like if you go to Pasadena, I've talked about it before. They got those Cubans that don't know they had black blood in their fucking. They got black blood.

You were telling me they called the Congo. They said they had black blood in Cuba. They're racist motherfuckers in the world. But there's white Cubans that don't know that they got black blood. And every time you remind them, they have a fucking heart attack. They have a, you put like mambo music on, like patata dotico, they'll lose their fucking

mind. You don't turn it off. We don't want it, even a reminder, it's who the fuck you are. But these motherfuckers out here, it's Mexicans too. Like I love Mexicans in my gang. Gabriel Felipe. It's Barca, Willie Barca. Who, Willie Barca, his special, showtime special. These fucking guys, when I was a kid, I wanted to

be Mexican. I mean, Mexicans got the fucking beard and they had those leather things with the bullets in them and shit. We even said patata patata patata. You know, when I seen them in the fucking Clint Eastwood with the fucking what do you call that shit with the poncho and the gun, all that stuff. It has so much rich culture. But when you meet them at those

fucking Alma awards, you see all these little Spanish people that play on TV, they up it up even more. Like there's people that aren't even Spanish. Like they have like a 12% Spanish. Their grandmother blew a fucking shit. Right? They're fucking shipwrights somewhere and they'll cop to being Spanish just to be able to go to those award

shows. Yeah. Do you follow what I'm saying? Like also they find this Jew blood in them. Oh my god, do I tell you I'm 12% Jewish? I see them in a new award show. Yeah. Every fucking week it's the biggest bunch of fake fucking Puerto Ricans I've ever seen in my life. I like Puerto Ricans. I like Cubans and they're gonna be pissed at me but it's the truth. When you see

these motherfuckers and these award shows, they're fucking Spanish but they're trying to act like fucking Republicans. They're trying to make shit. They're in Beverly fucking hells and at the end of the week you're fucking not. At the end of the week you're not. You gotta be except who the fuck you are. You know, I'm Cuban. You know, I look fucking

Jewish. I look fucking Italian. I look all this shit but I don't give a fuck. I'm who the fuck I am. I don't have to go to those award things to prove my love for Latin fucking culture. I love more and I am the fucking culture league. You mix a little fucking Jewish in there. Forget about it. They can't stop us. I'm

like Maya Lansky and Ricky Ricardo put a fucking, you think you're kidding. What happened? What time is he's gonna call up? It's in about four minutes. Okay, we woke up the dog. But no, it's true. Like you show more by sticking with the culture and that at home than when they go to the award

shows and they go up to Mariachi Music and back and say oh wow. Yeah, they're super they're all of a sudden they're more Spanish than anybody and that's always destroyed my fucking inside. And I didn't know it was like that till I got fired from Telemundo. How did you get fired from Telemundo? Listen, my first fucking

job I booked for after was a Telemundo, some Spanish show on Telemundo and I went up there. I did good in the audition. But when I went up there it was Cubans. It was the uncle from the George Lopez show. He recurred years later as the uncle. Okay. I went up there and when I sat

at the table and I spoke, they were like where are you from? They were like Miami Cubans and they were like where are you from? I'm like Union City. Bitch, bitch. And these motherfuckers looked at me and then we started talking in Spanish and my Spanish was too fat for them. My Spanish was too fucking like

Cuban also as they call it for them. Yeah, because you actually learned from some of who was from Cuba. Right, and it was funny that when I came back at lunch they fired me and I could see they wouldn't look me in the eye but I didn't give a fuck. They paid for my after. Yo! They paid me like a thousand bucks after it was like eight hundred.

So after taxes I think I had to throw in another hundred dollars. Now I was made after. So they did give me a fucking favor. I didn't really want to be there. Sometimes people do you a fucking favor. You don't even know they're doing you a fucking favor. But I just didn't want to be around those people. I felt very insecure. I would go over and go how do I want to be around these Cuban people?

Because they thought they were fucking high. My mother's maiden name is Valdez and my father's a Diaz. My fucking maiden name, Valdez, those are blood suckers. They were nine people in a fucking house. They grew up poor. But the Diaz's, they were rich. They would come away and when I met

my mother she was very snooty when they had sprained blood. They think their shit don't stink. I'll smack you, you dumb motherfucker. We're from fucking a real Cuban. You're showing up and you're, go suck my fucking dick. I don't need that shit.

Fucking everybody gotta want to be a fucking everybody wants to be a star. You know what I'm saying? These mother fuckers. What else can I suck? I'm gonna have to take another hit here. I'm stoned. No, it's unbelievable. It's just the culture of fakes and the iPhone's coming out

and people are gonna be lined up around the block for that and it's just, it's unbelievable. That was a hell of a fuck. Oh my god, that one hit the bottom of the fucking lung. I got to go to Dr. Amy and make a stick of fucking needle in the bottom to chase all this shit out. I just never thought that I'd see

phonies like that with Spanish people. I never saw it growing up and I never thought I'd see it. But when you go to those events, oh my god. It's so hard. They're trying to be Latin but they're really being fucking wasps.

Yeah. And when you go, you're like, what's the what's the point of making believe that you're just representing the culture if you're trying to act like a different culture? Be yourself. That's the bottom fucking line. What's the music for? A little bloody Sabbath on a Monday.

For years when I woke up Lee and I was heartbroken this is the song that always got me together. Reminding me I was a fuck I lived and I was getting up in the morning. You follow what I'm saying? A little Sabbath bloody right there. YouTube is fucking up. Don't blame it on YouTube.

Check and see for this kid to call. Here you go. He's calling. No he's not. You sure? You can tell right there. What else did you do this weekend, Lee? I gotta tell you what else happened this weekend real quick. When I went to Minneapolis, I did a podcast for a guy named Tom Bernard.

Oh that was great but if people haven't listened to it, it's great. If you haven't listened to Tom, I didn't even know who the fuck Tom Bernard was and they contacted me and I went to Minneapolis and they said, you know, you're in good hands. Everybody was like, you're doing Tom Bernard, this guy's fucking bad and what I didn't know was it's one of the markets

that they threw out sterns. Tom's not there because this guy beat the fuck out of him, I suppose. I don't know what the numbers were or whatever. So I go to the fucking guys. At first I gotta do the radio station that he does. He does like a regular radio show on Minneapolis. I do that and then I have to go

to his house to do the podcast. He had the fucking tone. Remember where Tony Montana went to meet the Columbia? That's the type of house he had. Bad motherfucker. Fucking a lake in the backyard. Fucking beautiful. It's just a beautiful fireplace. His wife was beautiful. His whole

family was there. He had like fucking four other people on the podcast. I miss all that fucking home feeling sometimes. That's what I yearn for out here. That family home fucking feeling. He must be around them all day because I listened and he says he does the radio show from home

so he never has to leave his house. No. He's like a like of some Minneapolis but you had to see his fucking house. How gorgeous it was. He had a lake in his fucking backyard. I used to be to invite somebody over dinner. They say something wrong. You stab them and you put them in a carpet and throw them

in the fucking lake where they belong. I mean it's just such a fucking great and the guy, his family, you know the guy called me on Saturday and he goes you know I've been on the road. I know it is to be alone if you want to go eat something today or tomorrow. Just a hospitality so please keep supporting Tom Beno. I mean what a fucking sweetheart of a guy.

He's my type of guy. Like he's paying my fucking dues for me because we did the podcast and then he was headed to the nuns and 30 years earlier you know I choked the fucking nun. So now he went over, what's going on Lee? Because if I'm talking to you you're not looking at me. I don't know what the fuck you're doing.

You're looking at some guy's comments. No, I'm just waiting for the call man. Alright brother because I don't know what you're doing over there. You're making me nervous. You look at the fucking thing like you know somebody took your thing. Uh oh! Lee reminded me today the occupiers are coming out. Those fucking half of momos but you know what? They're going to come out

and go right back in once the iPhone goes out on sale. So it don't matter. That's why they just prepared them to stand online. You know what I'm saying? I read an article it's like the one year anniversary and in Boston they still have meetings but like four people show up and they're all 65. These guys couldn't fucking commit to none. This is like the dead heads had more commitment

to these fucking jerks off. They really did. The dead heads had more commitment since these filthy motherfuckers. Because the same thing happened away. It started great. They were marching around. The TV cameras came down there. Comics started going down there. It was a big fucking media outlet and what happened? They didn't do nothing. The cameras left.

And I gave them ideas. I said this is what you got to do. You got to hit these motherfuckers in the pocket. You got to fucking take one corporation every day and take them to the fucking cleaners. Don't use them. You know they want to charge for luggage or whatever the fuck it is that they want to do. Just don't use them. That's what you do. But they went down there for six days and they stopped taking showers.

They were smoking dope. Then the iPhone came out and the trust fund check came in and BAM! There they are. Back standing online on the fucking iPhone. This country is starting to stand. They love. When I was a kid you didn't stand in line for dick. Dick. Okay. Now a fucking movie. You people

love standing online like you fucking Russians. What's next? You want to stand online for toilet paper? You fucking saps? I never stood online. I don't believe in fucking standing online. Even at an airport yesterday. Even if I have a regular plane ticket I go through fucking first class. I'm not going to throw you out. I just say I didn't know.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You guys pay attention. Bro when I go through an airport I go in and out of that fucking airport because I'll buy like a thing. I'll buy like early boarding. I'll buy like the bigger seats but I'll confuse it. I'll go up and go oh I didn't know

that we can... Won't you're in line? You think they're going to send you back? No. They process you and now you go through. What the fuck is wrong with people? You don't stand online. You never stand on fucking line. We're all pimps. The fuck is wrong with people. We don't stand in line for nobody. Unless they got a gun to you. Let's go to the club

and go for you. Are you fucking kidding me? I go to Vegas sometimes. I see these momos waiting online to buy. The one that kills me the most is that restaurant on Sunset. On Fairfax, the breakfast place. We're all these fake fucking people. The same Spanish people who go to those awards.

They call their white buddies and they go over to the fucking breakfast. Guys, did you people know in LA people stand on line for breakfast? Huge lines. It is where it gets better. Right across the street there's a bagel place that'll make a fucking fucking bagel for you.

That'll make your head spin with nice onions and real fucking juice shit. These dumb fucks wait on line for 45 minutes because years ago what's her name? Marilyn Monroe. No. Marilyn Monroe isn't alive, you dumb fuck. The other one, you fuck at

the check with Lindsay Lohan. They had breakfast in there before court. So they fucking went there and the cameras took it. So now all these tourists go there in the morning. They stand on line. And listen, the breakfast is okay at best, you know.

It's eggs. It's fucking eggs. These fucking idiots. It's eggs. And people stand on line with their newspapers and they're gonna do something big. Don't stand on line, guys. We don't do that shit. We're the motherfucking United States. These idiots that go to clubs with their girlfriends and wait to get picked and all this dumb shit.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's one thing I've never understood. I don't like going to a club and waiting and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. And these people will go, are you going to Vegas? Are you going to these fucking clubs? Like sometimes Joe, after a fight, they'll go, let's go up here.

I go to these people at these clubs. I wouldn't let them in 20 fucking years ago. A bunch of housewives and shit dancing or fat, fat guy. What the fuck are you doing here? You're in no danger. Go back to your room and play Monopoly. You're in no fucking that you're just taking a butt. Whatever. They'll take a dollar from fucking anybody

and let them in today. There's a fuck. Before he calls, this thing happened and we talked a lot about people who do things to get in their own way. For people who don't know how I work, I work on a TV show. And one of my bosses quit on Saturday night. He just quit. He wasn't coming back.

And the reason he quit was, and I like him, he said he got mad because our boss wanted us at our desk at five o'clock when we get there, starting to work. And he's like, oh, this is the entertainment industry show up half an hour, within half an hour and he just enjoyed it. As long as we got our work done. And I agree with him in a way.

But who quit the job because your boss wants you there when you start and start to work? And just those people in this town are weird. They didn't make sense to me. First of all, it's fucking brilliant. You brought that up because when in this town, especially, it's all about images and appearances, okay?

God forbid these fucking momos. First of all, they love running late to break your balls in this town. And I remember when I got the longest shot, people saying to me, when you go to these meetings and particularly girls get there 15 minutes late, that's the way to do it. Make them wait for you.

And, you know, it's all great but inside of me something was wrong. I did it like once or twice. I didn't like it because I don't like people being late to fucking meet me. And then I started going to meetings and people were late to meet me and it was like, oh, sorry, traffic.

And one day I went to this meeting for like Fox or something, this young kid, for Fox 21. And he came in with that story. And I said something to him. I'm like, dog, the meeting was at fucking 10 o'clock. It's 1035. Really? Really? The 405 was that fucking pack?

You live in California. You know you got a planned time ahead. So I did the opposite. I said, you know what, fuck that shit. To work on my character, I'm going to go in there. You know, people forget. Like for me, I never fucking forgot that, you know, before you became a comic,

you're a fucking man. That's why I love Joe Roe with all my heart. And I want you guys to give them all the light in the world because I know Joe for 15 years. And Joe has bought me more fucking states than anybody. Joe has done more for me. And one of the things that disappointed me was people were like, oh, you don't go to the comic store anymore.

My answer is, I don't go down there because you need to close one door before you open up another one. But the truth of the fucking matter is the reason why I don't go down there is because when they threw Joe out and Gersh got rid of Joe for jamming up Carlos, that Friday night all these comics are going to get together and then we're going to protest the comic store

for getting rid of them. Well, Mitzi Shaw said whoever protested the comic store was not allowed to come back. So all these comedians said fuck the protest. Fuck what Joe Rogan did for us and they went back. I don't talk to those people. I don't see those guys. I don't want to associate with them.

That's why I don't go to the fucking store. Somebody hit me today. We're doing a show in April. We need you at the store. I wouldn't step foot in the fucking store. Out of respect for Joe because I know what Joe did. Joe stood up for all these motherfuckers and the same people that were in the back of that video clapping and jumping up and down and now when they see Carlos, they hug them

and they kiss them. So I don't fucking deal with comics for that shit because they got no fucking loyalty to themselves. And that's one point. I was still snorting coke when that went down but I don't know if I was. I don't know what year it was. I think I was at home snorting but that was one thing that made me open up my eyes. I don't want to hang out with people

who don't have my motherfucking back. You run with me. You got to have my back and I'll have your back. Till this day I won't step foot in the fucking store because out of respect for Joe, he's my friend. He's done more for fucking me than anybody. I give him fucking life and that's what you do with your friends. You support your fucking friends. You don't go to the store and mingle or whatever.

It's over. I don't need them that fucking bad. I stuck to my fucking guns. It's like when people say to me, you don't text. No, I don't fucking text. Why not? Because there's no hundred dollar bills that come to the text and there's always misunderstandings. It's your football field in this fucking life. It's not life's football field. It's your football field and you make the calls.

You decide what you're going to do and what you're not going to do and what you're going to stick to it. For years when I did blow, I wasn't a sheep but I was very quiet because God forbid that my little secret got out. God forbid that I stopped doing blow. So I would be very... I would still tell you to suck my dick

but I'd get in my car and go home. And once I stopped doing blow, that was part of it. I wanted to get my character back into this motherfucker. Which is all balls. That's what I'm fucking about. I don't give a fuck about whether they're going to put me in this town and nobody will say no to you on the phone, literally. Because

you might become a star and they might need you for something else years later. And that's what's always fucking killed me. You gotta say what the fuck you say and what's on your mind. If not, you might as well suck dick and get on all fours because that's just the beginning of the fucking end. Once you go against what you believe, you might as well bend the fuck over.

So I don't do it no more. And I haven't done it for five, six, seven, ten fucking years. And that's why nobody's even heard of me. Because I wouldn't take shit from nobody just to be in a movie or a TV show and some comedy special. I don't need that shit. What the fuck is this guy? Put some music on. Let me call this motherfucker and see why he hasn't called.

It's 641. I don't know what this motherfucker's at. Maybe he got the wrong number. Maybe he... There you go. A little something for the spirits out there. I play this every time I wake up in the morning. This is what I play especially on Mondays. Out of respect for my mother.

If there's something in your fucking life, play a light of candle. You got a call or what? As I... As I... Here's what I'm talking about. Some people just are never fucking satisfied. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, that's what we're talking about.

It'll be a good call when he calls. But you have something very interesting that you say. You say in the last testicle testaments, when you used to be a criminal or someone, if they cheated on their wife or their girlfriend, you wouldn't do business with them because what would they do to me? Like, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense, bro. It doesn't make sense.

You look at the whole fucking thing. And I got that from Carlo Gambino. It was one of Carlo Gambino's main thing, but it's true. If they cheat on their wife, they'll fucking rat on you. Yeah. And that's it. I just didn't like what went down years ago. And I took a...

And I don't have anything against Carlos. I really don't. I see Carlos, I shake his hand. You know, I told him years ago. He said something to me during 9-11. And I think Carlos knows I hit him in the fucking head. You know, I don't give a fuck. We really got them mad at me. We really got everybody mad at me.

It was that Marilyn Martinez is weak. They used to be a comedian, they Marilyn Martinez. And there's this guy in town, Jeff Valdez. He runs CTV. He was a comic. He puts together a Latino laugh festival and shit. The guy fucked me and Marilyn over our first year. He made me showcase like 10 times.

He told me to work clean. And then he goes, no, you didn't get into the festival. And then after that, he added like a dirty show to the festival. I never forgot that. You know, it was my first year here. It really hurt my fucking feelings. You know, I didn't know how the business worked. I just believed in men's word.

I thought that a man had his fucking word. So I didn't know. I came old school. But these motherfuckers don't have their fucking word for anything. They won't even look in the eye when they talk to you. So this went on for years. And then he put me in the festival the following year. And then I went to, like, I just didn't like him. And then he kept fucking with Marilyn.

Marilyn, he had some show on CTV and he kept fucking with Marilyn. Then he called me to do some show one day. I'm not kidding you, Lee. He offered me $50. And I'm sitting there going, I don't like this guy. Yeah. So I don't want to even fucking do it. You know, and I called back and I don't want to do it.

And then he called back and he goes, I'll give you $500. So that's how much of a thief he is. He went from 50 to 500. Most people go from 50 to 100. He paid me the money and it was okay. But, well, I forget, but I don't fucking forget. Now, there's something about this guy. And Marilyn kept telling me he kept fucking with her.

And then Marilyn dies of cancer. And I fly back home. I'm in New York for a benefit. And I fucking come back. And the next thing you know, I go to the wake, I go to the church. Because they usually have a, you know, a wake and then you do church.

I wasn't here for the wake. So I made it for the church. And then that night, I had a thing at the comedy store. So I went to this, Lee, look at me. I went to this fucking wake, right? I go to his wake and this church function

first in the morning and I see Jeff Valdez. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck is this puke doing here? You know, he's the, what the fuck is he doing here? And I didn't say nothing. I just played it off. I waved down. He waved at me. He didn't talk to me.

That night I wasn't going to go to the, I had just finished, I just stopped doing blow. I hadn't done blow for like maybe six nights. Oh Jesus. And I'm about to choke myself. But Superbad had a problem and I made a promise that if God saved Superbad,

I would never do blow again. And I was up to the sixth night and this is Malin's dead now. And they call me up and they're like, you have to go to the store. She was your best friend. I didn't want to be down. I don't like none of that shit. Especially in Hollywood, they turn into a celebrity thing. It's not about really the pain

or what people are going through. So next thing you know, who shows up? Fucking Jeff Valdez. But it's even worse. They have food in the back. I see him eating the fucking food. I just see him eating the food and I'm burning.

So I got no blow in me. I just lost one of my best friends. And now I got this motherfucker and I'm at the train and somebody goes, you should go up to the stage first. I've heard parts of the story. I go up there to the stage first and I'm on stage and I'm talking about Malin. How much I'm going to miss her.

And I keep seeing Jeff Valdez sitting there with his wife and his lawyer and I just fucking go off. I just stopped and I go, I can't do this no more, ladies and gentlemen. I couldn't sit there with this fucking guy being phony. And I just tore into him because he claimed the fame is he's half Jewish and half Mexican. And I'm like,

you're too fucking greasy to be a fucking Jew. You're too much of a piece of shit and you're too greasy to be a fucking Mexican. You're a piece of shit and he's with his wife and his lawyer with it. And people all get off the stage and I'm going at him. I'm like, fuck you, you slimy motherfucker. And he's like, fuck you.

My name's on the wall too here at the store because he's no comic. He's never said a funny thing in his life. And I go, fuck you. If I get off the stage, I'm going to make you suck my dick. And dice and all these guys there. And I go, listen, one more thing. I'm going to get off the stage. I'm going to do a fucking shot.

And if I see you at this fucking thing, I'm going off on you. That was, I went off. I went to the bar, I'm sure. And people knew they were following me. They knew I would have fucking killed them how I felt that night. I went in there, him and his wife and his cunt attorney left. They fucking wrote an article about in the paper. I was going to hook it up this morning.

Oh, fuck you. I had to wait till I got off. And the fucking, listen to what happened. He called the newspaper and threatened the suit. The newspaper putting the story in there. Oh, I thought you meant he put it in the paper? No, no, the papers did. But the LA Times did in the front page of entertainment. So the fucking next thing you know,

you know, I'm getting calls and all this shit. I can't believe you. Like, all these people went against me knowing that this Jeff Altez was the biggest piece of shit. Some of the Mexicans took up for me. They were like, bro, what you did was brilliant. Again, a Mexican tortures Mexicans and fucking Cubans got to come to the rescue

because God forbid somebody say something that hurt their feelings. You know what? I'm not the funniest guy in the world and I'm not the best actor and I'm not the best writer, but I know I got a lot of heart and I know I always fucking work. You know, every once in a while, somebody needs a smack on the fucking head. So I didn't see this guy for like two or three years.

2007, I didn't see him for like two or three years and I was doing the ice house. I know that story. And it's funny because Felicia wanted to come up to the ice house with me one night and I go, all right, let's go up there. This was way before Beauty and the Beast. And the next thing you fucking know,

I go up there and Rudy calls me. And he goes, Jeff's going to be up here tonight. You know, is there going to be a problem? And I go, I won't say nothing unless he says something. Okay. So he started in early. I'm in the green room, minding my business. He comes into the green room. He don't belong in the green room.

He comes into the green room because he's doing a guest that he ain't even a fucking comic. He comes into the green room, he's talking all this shit. You know, I'm here and he's half drunk. And I don't say a word. And then I walk out and he's sitting there with Shane Forbes talking about some shit. And he looks at me and he goes, and Shane goes,

he's half drunk. And we went at it. And this motherfucker's sitting there going, fuck you, let's fight. He's calling me out. He's calling me out, Lee. Fuck you. You're a fat fuck. You're a coke fiend. He's saying all this shit to me, right?

And I'm like, whatever, you fucking pussy. He goes, let's go outside. So I looked at him, right? And I go, I'm going to fuck this motherfucker up. And I'm going to throw him for a Loop 1 twerro style. I was just going to say it sounded like your stepfather. And he's back at me. I ducked and I got him with a bit slap

for the bottom of the chin very lightly. And this motherfucker pops up and he's like, I'm calling the police. All that shit you talk for 20 minutes. You're a tough guy and let's fight. Now you're calling the police. But it's hysterical because he fucking, we getting, you know me, a cop ain't going to catch me. By the time your hand hit his face,

you're already walking towards me. I was already walking towards the fucking car. And the beauty of it is that I picked my buddy Rick Ramos. I'm walking with him and he's like, I don't because Felicia drove me up there. So it's funny because as I'm walking out, the cops are coming in the fucking hallway as usual. And they can't tell it's me

because they're looking at body language. I know how to avoid the fucking cops. I slow down my body language like nothing's going on. And there's a helicopter. Oh, it's Pasadena. You know these fucking momos. I get in the car with Rick. We hit the one street and then we hit the main street

to hit the fucking 134 to go east. And right there, the phone rings and it's Felipe. And he goes, fool, where are you? I go, I'm in the car. What's going on up there? The cops, they go, yeah. They're scraping the spit off his face and putting it in a CSI bag, right?

He's saying all this shit to me, right? And I'm loving it. You know, in my mind, I had closure for Marilyn. And Marilyn had a problem with him and I had closure for me. Sometimes you got to smack somebody in the face to get fucking closure. So I come home and the next day the fucking cops call me.

Nobody said a word. They told them nothing and they got none. All the fucking Mexicans, the real Mexicans didn't say a word. They interviewed everybody. The staff at the Ice House got interviewed. I was going to say, when we do the test with testaments, they still come up and talk to you, like, dude, that's funny. Oh, yeah, they still come up and say,

years later, that was great that night when you smacked them. Everybody loved it because people know in this town you deserve a smack. The problem with this town is they don't want to throw the smack or they don't want to call you a cunt because they won't work again. And at the end of the day, you don't have your manhood at all that fucking matters because if you don't have your manhood in your cock,

you got dick in this fucking life. You might as well bend over and let the fucking Arabs and Russians and everybody else fucking the ass because it's all over. What the fuck is going on over there in the embassies, huh? It's fucking crazy, man. I was watching this video today and it broke my heart.

This kid, like, younger than me, 21, was in Afghanistan. He called home. He was two days from coming home and he said, I'm coming home because they have a big problem over there now where the Afghan police officers, their training, are killing them because they don't want them there.

So this 21-year-old kid, he knew something was going to happen and on the base, they're getting shot now. Like every other week, there's new people getting shot and it's just, I actually had a kid I went to high school with. A couple of them died and it's just, it's unbelievable.

It's heartbreaking. That's fucking amazing, man. You know, I thought it was my baby coming. That's the end of the world in my fucking... You know, my wife is pregnant. That's the mind of my fucking world right there. But I didn't know and all of a sudden you'll read about all these embassies and all this other shit

and what's crack or lack in the fucking world. And that's it, man. I can't fucking believe Frankie lost a fucking number. That's all right. You know, it just fucking goes to... But you know what? Put some music out for these fucks. Maybe I'll get Martin Perez to call.

Let me get Martin Perez to call real quick if he could do it. If he could do it, we'll talk to fucking Martin Perez and blow you motherfuckers out of the water. Yeah, that'd be great. And Martin Perez is a great story. He, like, his father was the driver for that guy. That's a... Baptista, you fucking...

Baptista and the Godfather, you know what I'm saying? So let's fucking make this happen. Where are you at? You're still shitting? No, I'm on my car. You on your way? I'm on my car. And I thought you were being in your office and you could call from a solid phone.

But we'll do Martin Perez on fucking Wednesday, all right? I love you, cocksucker. I got you on the phone right now. I love you. But... Yeah, Martin Perez was going to call originally, but when I talked to Frankie, he goes, no, I'll call for you.

Martin Perez is going to be a great fucking story. Martin Perez's father was one of Baptista's fucking drivers. And what happened was I went to Eddie's house a few weeks ago. Eddie Bravo's house. And he had a documentary on about Cuba. And the next thing you fucking know, I see Martin Perez. They're talking about...

You saw him on TV? Yeah, they're doing a documentary about Baptista. And also they showed all these pictures from 1950 and Baptista and also I see Martin Perez standing next to him. Not the kid that's calling it. His father, you fucking momo. What the fuck? Are you okay today? Yeah, are you okay today?

Marilyn Monroe, really you fuck? I should still stab you from the floor. That's why I need you smoking dope in the morning. I know you didn't. I had a baggie. He's taking these little hits like a 16-year-old girl sucking a dick. You ever see when a 16-year-old sucks a dick? They suck it like they don't want it. That's how he was... I had to get that lighter

and force him for God's sake. It's six in the morning, man. That's when you're supposed to get high. It's the church of what's happening now. Are you going to show up with no fucking bullets in your gun? Hold on. The first part of the day, that's the... Listen, I've had a shit for the last hour.

Put that air on for two minutes. I'm sweating. I'm telling you guys, it's good. Oh, that fuck's tremendous. I got a light of candle. I got a light of candle. You know what? That's the best. In an office when the room's closed, that's the best when you're alone and you fart and it's just the door's closed

and it's the most fun thing in the world. You're disgusting. I don't want this fart on nobody. You just said it was amazing. Yeah, for me. Not for me because I'm here sitting alone. Oh, no, I'm in an office alone by myself. There was a guy on the plane yesterday. Somebody smelled like fucking armpit.

And it was either the guy next to me or the guy two from me. And I'll tolerate fucking armpit for two seconds. And there's nothing worse than when somebody fucking hugged you and they put the armpit on your fucking arm and you have a 10-30 show later on. That's why after fucking shows,

if you've got armpit, don't come over to me to go. I'll shake my hand from a distance because that fucking onion smell destroys my inside. It fucking destroys me. That fucking onion smell. This motherfucker sat next to me yesterday. First off, I got the premium seats. I didn't have enough points for the first class on this flight.

Okay. So I just got the larger leg room of the premium seats. So I always get the early board. So I got on there first and put my shit on the overhead. That's a sleep apnea machine. I'm going to travel with a fucking computer. I got to travel with a sleep apnea machine. It's like $4,000.

And I don't want to lose that thing. And if it falls or something, if you have a computer card, for you guys that have sleep apnea and have a couple of different machines, I forget the one I have. It's two-level. That's why when they test you, they test you by level. What I do at mine is I take the computer card out once a month. I put an envelope and I mail it in.

They send me a report. And they send the other report to my doctor. So you can see what I'm doing every night. Every night by the fucking thing. Don't even break it down if you have alcohol because you'll be dehydrated. So it breaks the fucking down. So this thing is very sensitive.

It's tiring. A lot of sleep apneas. For people who don't know, sleep apnea is when you have fucking. You're a fat fuck. Your neck gets big. You don't have to be fat. Joe Rogan has it. Eddie Bravo has it. Putting a certain amount of weight on. I think it's chest weight or whatever is around here or something. I don't know how it works.

You know, Wikipedia. It's the number one growing disease in men. People die from it all the time. People fucking die. Wachow got it going. What's his name? Had it. The football player. The Philadelphia Eagle. The defensive end. That's how we got that. The NBA's got 25,000 hits a year. The day he died, it got 25,000 hits that day.

Because men didn't know. They just kept saying, I have a problem sleeping. Maybe they're single. Nobody knows they're snoring. That shit will kill you because it raises your blood pressure. It fucked me up. I was up to 415. That's why I happened. You know, when people consider diets, they always say, well, I'm eating better

and I'm going for a walk. If you don't sleep eight hours, you're dying and all that shit means nothing because your cortisol levels go up. Your body yesterday goes into shock. When I was at 415, I was already starting to get the Bellagosi look with the buck ball on my neck, you know what I'm saying?

It was fucking crazy, you know? And once you see that, because at night when you're trying to breathe, your body goes into fucking danger. Your body is in danger. It thinks you're dying. So it starts shooting out that fucking cortisol. That's like the fucking... The shit Joe Rogan talks about, DMT.

It's the last thing that your brain sees before you die. So that's why you get all happy. You know, with cortisol, don't work like that. I'm just teasing you, motherfucker. But that's why you start getting that ball on your neck. When you see fat people, they start getting that ball in their neck and the back of their neck is getting big. They got one finger in the grave, one in the banana peel.

Because that's it. That cortisol is taking over. That's where the diabetes, that's where all this shit... And I may be wrong. I mean, we read it up. But I know what I'm talking about because I had looked into this shit and we slept back. I lived it. I mean, I knew I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. So I get on the fucking plane early. That's the point of the story, Lee.

I put my bag over it so I could watch it. This dumb fuck doesn't get early boarding. He sits next to me. And I'm sitting there with my iPod on and I look up and I see this motherfucker taking my bag on. Right away I call a timeout. Why is your hands on my bag? Yeah. He's like, well, I got to put $4,000.

I told him the truth. I got nothing to do with me. You should have been here earlier. That's my bag. Lee went up there and he just looked at me. When people come and touch my compartment, I thought, no. A lot of people sit like in 22D and I'm like in 6A and they want to put shit in my thing. That's my fucking thing. I pay for the seat. If it's filled and all three of us

have our shit in that compartment, then you could put it because everybody today wants to fly with carry-on. The more carry-on you bring on, for you to zip in and out of there, whatever the fuck you do, the more carry-on you fucking bring on, the more fucking troubles will be the seating. That's what I'm going to get on the plane now.

At the end, people point shit in. They don't know where to go. They tell you to check out the fucking gate because everybody wasn't fucking. Check your shit. Yeah. The only thing you should have on you is a little bit of weed in your nutsack. In this case, the plane goes down. You're not in some fucking island without nothing. Does that be the worst? You float.

Not that it's bad enough. But if I had rolling papers and a baggie, waterproof ones or a pipe and a lighter, floating out there until fucking the U.S. Army shows up, it's always better. I'm just fucking around here. But I get on this fucking plane there and these motherfuckers are stinking up.

One of these two fucking guys stinks. So after like 15 minutes, I got to say something. I look at both of them and I go, somebody on this motherfucking flight forgot to wash their pussy and they both looked at me. Oh fuck yeah. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You got to say something.

You got to wear fucking deodorant. You can't go out. If you want to stink, that's your personal fucking business. But if you want to sit next to people like a civilized human being on a plane and you're going to have three hours and you're going to smell like fucking a satsiki juice from a gyro, that's your... I got to say something to you because you're invading my motherfucking space.

You got me fucking coming in with no armpit and fucking sitting next to you for six hours on a fucking plane. You got to wash yourself. What is it? Cleanliness is next to godliness. What the fuck is wrong with you? You got to wash your pussy before you leave the house. You got to brush your teeth.

That's what the church of what's happening now is. You got to be sharp. You got to be fucking... These motherfuckers are going for breakfast. We're not going to take a shower. Take a shower, take you five more minutes to wash your balls, wash your ass. They're taking a year. They got a flat tire. And here you are with stinky fucking nuts

because you were going on until you eat breakfast. And enough with the fucking sandals. Oh, every time I see somebody with a sandal, man, I step on that fucking put on purpose by mistake. I step on that fucking put. You're a grown fucking man with sandals and they think they're so fucking cool. On the flight back here yesterday,

there was a bunch of those Bahama Mama guys. I used to have this friend, this fucking idiot Gavin Boyd who thought he was a fucking producer. That shit went out the window. He ended up back at Idaho. He went back here doing short films for some motherfucking mooks. And he was one of those guys that always had the sandals on. He was always too fucking cool.

When I step on your fucking foot and see how cool it is now, you got your fucking sandals on. What if Godzilla comes and you got sandals on, you start running, you're going to lose one of those fucking sandals. Man, you got to run like Jesus with one foot fucking flying and one fucking sandal. Put fucking shoes on and boots when you leave the house.

Unless you go to the beach, you shouldn't have fucking sandals on. You're going to roll or something. You know what you need to do. But they want to fly with their fucking sandals. What if the plane goes down and we got stuck in fucking Cuban, you got to walk a half a mile. You got to think of this shit.

No fucking sandals. Everybody thinks they're cool like Gilligan. And that's the thing. And then their foetals think it's unbelievable. It's disgusting. Put some fucking shoes on. You're a grown fucking man. A woman was supposed to see her toes. Was supposed to fantasize about whacking off

the church of what's happened now. When the church of what's happened now was introduced to me, it was introduced to me by a man named Wayne Means. I was 27 years old. I was about six months away from getting in trouble for kidnapping. I thought I had all the fucking answers. He took over a Subaru store where I worked at him both.

I owe a lot to the guys that I worked at. There was two guys selling cars that I owe my life to. Wayne Means, this guy named Jim Handy. Jim Handy was my manager at Toyota. Jim Handy came years later. Jim Handy taught me how to, you know, he put together in my mind how to become a comic. How it was possible.

Because at the car lot, he would make you write your goals daily. Like, what are you going to do today? I'm going to sell two cars. How are you going to do that? I'm going to fucking, you know, talk to ten people. I'm going to call ten people. And I'm going to be at my best. You know, that's what Jim Handy taught me. That came later.

I didn't have a father, you know, all those years. Right before I went to jail, I met this Wayne Means guy. And he used to tell me, bro, what's going to happen today? What's going to happen next week or next month? Today. How are we going to make it happen today? Well, to make it happen today, you got to be sharp. Your hair's got to be combed.

Your fucking breasts got to be good. Your shoes have to be fucking shined. Your pants got to look decent. And when you talk to somebody, you got to look fucking professional. Any fucking circle. You got to be sharp with these people today. It's 2012. People are starving. And you want to walk around with fucking sandals on like a half a fucking fag.

No, you're a man. Get out there and talk to fucking people. That's what it's all about. This is easy, bro. But everybody wants to be somebody else. Everybody wants to be a fucking fake. Look at me. I'm a fat fuck. What can I do to change? People always go, well, Joey, you got that 1910 hairdo. So what do you want me to do? Get a new Justin Bieber?

Can you imagine Uncle Joey with a Justin fucking Bieber hairdo? So what's next? Licking somebody's asshole for $10? What's fucking next? What do you have left? If you don't have your fucking stuff. I don't give a fuck no more. It's all about the reefer. It's Monday. All I'm doing is trying to get you to fuck out there.

And to shove it into these motherfuckers' asses before they try to shove it into you. I told you about Saturday. This fucking guy in Minneapolis shows up to the show Friday night, Lee. We're taking pictures. Sorry I keep wiping on my face if you're watching. I got cat from that fucking Finney that cucks up and is always shedding that skinny fuck.

Some guy comes up to me Friday and these people who think that you just walked out of the fucking banana field. There's people who treat me like I just walked off of the banana field. He comes in with his wife. It's real cute. And they say to me, hey bro, can we take a picture?

Sure. Let's take a picture. I google with them. Giggle with them. Google. I giggle with them getting fucked up on that fire. I giggle with them a little bit. And next thing you know, they're like, can we tape something? He's like, could you tape something for me? I'm like, sure. I go, what do you want me to say?

He goes, Ollie, whatever is fucking number one. I don't know what his name is. Will is going to win this thing. I go, Will's going to win this thing. That's it. Thank you, man. Next fucking night. First show ends. I got all these people and we're talking. And I see this guy. And I go, hey man, how you doing? He goes,

remember me from last night? I go, yeah, you're back. You came to the show. He goes, no. He goes, this is what happened. My wife didn't hit the fucking tape button last night. So I know we did it twice. We had done it twice. I even gave her another one. There's no way she didn't hit it. So I go, all right, we'll do it real quick.

Let's go over to the mall of America. Have you ever been to the fucking mall of America? Tremendous. And don't be a fat fuck and go to the mall. You'll never make it. It's four days if you're a fat fuck. I burned a ton of calories there. But they got bikes. They got dogs. You got to be fucking careful.

So we go outside. We're smoking out there. We're talking to the people. And he's lurking like a pending fucking dame. He's there giggling at my jokes. We're all talking and he's there giggling, trying to be cute. And finally the lines draws down a little bit. He walks over and he's like, so you ready to do it?

They're getting like a pipe full ready. And he goes, all right, let's do this, man. And all of a sudden he goes, you ready to go? And I go, yeah, and all of a sudden he goes, hold on. Let me get my friend with the camera. You're friend with a fucking camera? And he's like, this is what we're going to do tonight. You're going to tell him because I'm doing a poker tournament.

So I want you to say this up front. And he's just saying this speech to me. And I look at him and I go, yo, we're in the middle of a fucking show here. I got to go do another show. Are you fucking serious? And even if you weren't? Yeah, I go, are you fucking serious? I'm doing what I did last night. He said, come on, man, can't you do it?

I go, no, we're doing what we fucking did last night. And let's fucking do this. And he's pissed. I could tell he's literally pissed. But these people want to take advantage. Like I need to do an advertising for his fucking bowling or his poker fucking league. Instead of just telling me the truth, he's trying to connive me that his wife didn't play tape.

I looked him right in the face and I go, I'll tape something but I'm going to tape what I did last night. I could see that he was like, Doug, what about your agent? She's like, no, you're trying to pull a quick one on me. You're trying to take fucking advantage of me. You know, this guy, there's a friendship. I don't want no fucking fans. I really don't. I told Roland, well, this ain't no fans.

Fans, when we were little kids, we could put a picture of Julius Herving on the fucking wall. That's a fan. We were all friends. We talked online. We met on Twitter. We got no fans. I don't want nobody standing there like a fucking momo, like he's going to suck my dick. If I got an eight, no, I don't need that shit. No, and it's, people do that all the time.

And the difference is, like on the plane, if I was sitting on the plane, honestly, I probably wouldn't have said it. I would have told my friends later and talked about it. What, that they stink? Yeah, no, you got to say so. That's why God gave you a fucking mouth. Yeah.

That's why God gave you a mouth. I don't want this guy to spread the stink on a different fucking flight. Why should they the same fare? Yeah. Just because, and you know, they all have their reasons. Why don't we like wearing deodorant because it harms the fucking, no, no, no.

You know what harms the ultraviolet rays? That stink that's coming out of your armpit and the rest of the stink that's coming out of your fucking ass. That's what harms the fucking environment. That you have to wear fucking deodorant. You got to put the, I don't want to smell nobody's stinky around me. Dead heads are dead.

I don't give a fuck. You have to take, and even if you don't take a shower, you take a Puerto Rican shower, which I've taken at an airport. I was at an airport stuck two days. You take a bath in the sink. You ever take a bath

in the fucking state of Puerto Rican style? You do your hair, you do your balls, you get a towel. It's tough to do that in San Francisco. There was a guy that kept, in 85, I'm in San Francisco, and he was like, hang on, when I was a kid,

I went to a porn theater one time. Okay. My buddy's like, I've been married in Jersey on a Sunday night. And when you go to the bathroom, a guy always pops up and pisses next to you. You ever been in that situation now? Well, as you're pissing,

some guy will pop up and start pissing next to you and look at you and smile. And then you leave, and you don't think none of it. When you come back to P20 minutes later, the same guy pops up to you. Nobody could piss this much. What they are are perverts.

They hang out in the fucking bathroom, and they try to pick you up. And in San Francisco, they had one of those in 85. A guy that would pop next to you and smile and make believe like, hey, how are you? Are you going to Tulsa?

Get the fuck out of here, professional. Stop talking. But there was no PSA in those days. No PSA. Nobody was batting you down. These fucking perverts were going to airports. This is airports in 85. I got stuck there.

You need to be people from San Francisco. I'm not lying to you. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be happy. This is a true story. In 85, I was staying at the Virginia Hotel. Now it's where people come from all over the world. Hostel.

It's down in the Tenderloin. It used to be the Virginia Hotel. And I would follow the maid every day and steal her fucking keys. And go into people's rooms. That's how dumb the maid's going. Oh, shit. This is before the electronic thing.

I'd put on a suit and go to the hilt and across the street and fucking follow the maids. And when they go in the room, they leave the keys in the fucking door. I just take the key and take the main key off the ring and then just drop them on them. Oh, come on. Oh, seriously?

I was way ahead. Oh, fuck yeah. I was the last of the real deal dog in 85. Nobody was running like me. But I was living at the Virginia Hotel. And I got the keys to the maid. Then there was a guy that was taking action. I would rob him once a week.

You know, I just had their little keys. And I would go to the room and rob them here, rob them there. Stop every week. Oh, I swear to God. One day I busted into a room and there was German tourists. Fuck them. They're German. Fuck those motherfuckers.

We run with the Jews, anyway. So I go in their room and I'm looking for shit. I can't find them. Also, I see the door starting to fucking open. Oh, shit. I locked the door and I'm in there hiding. What am I going to do? I look out the balcony.

I'm on the second floor. I can't jump on the fucking ledge off this fucking ledge. I sit in the bathroom. Also, they're like, we call the police. The police come and I open the door. And they're like, what are you doing in here? I go, dog, I was trying to get towels. I chased the maid.

And I came in here and I talked to the police. And I made up some story. And they did a background check. And I really had nothing at that time. And they're like, we don't know what to do. And the German tourists were pissed. But they didn't arrest me. But I knew they were coming back.

At that time, I was running fucking scams. And they had like a little Asian town up in there. Or the whole fucking town is Asian. But they called it something. It was by Van S. Like this Asian cultural war. And in those days, traveler's checks. You could just sign them.

Everybody else asked you for an ID. The Asians didn't give a fuck. Because American Express will replace them anyway. So I would go up there and buy like a pack of Life Saver for a dollar, but give them a $50 fucking bill. A traveler's check. So something happened. So they were looking for me.

Traveler's checks. And then here I am trying to rob these German fucking tourists. So I went to the airport. I had no money for a plane ticket. They caught me in between the whole scam. I had a girlfriend at the time. One of them being my daughter's mother. I put her on the flight first.

And I stayed like a man. What a mistake that was, that dirty bitch. I don't know if she turned out to be a fucking dirty boy with a left over in San Francisco. But we went to Reno first. And a bus came back with the San Francisco. I had to wait two hours for two days at Western Union. So I lived at the fucking SFO for two days.

Oh shit. Shoplifting food. And taking showers at the motherfucking thing. And walking around like I knew people. They didn't have TVs or computers then. When you were in the airport for two days, you were stuck, bitch. You were deep in thought. You know what I'm saying?

You're like fucking shit. I just started walking. Yeah, that's crazy. I couldn't imagine just living in that place. Yeah, man. And no one would say. I mean, I guess there are people that are on the line. Nobody knew nothing in those days.

It wasn't like now that people were watching. You couldn't go through gates. Remember the old days, I could walk you all the way to your fucking plane and hang out there. Oh, okay. You know, in the old days, I could walk you all the way to the fucking bottom. So yeah, it's changed a lot, man. Airports.

You'll never see that ever again. If you were stuck, you could drive to a fucking airport, go in there, go up and sleep in there. But who's going to say something to you? It's long range parking. You don't know how many times we went to an airport and just chilled for a day or two. Really?

That's unbelievable. So what do we got, Lee? What do you got this week? Tonight, we got a great game. Atlanta, Denver. Oh, that's... And I can't believe it. You said Denver is the giving points to Denver?

Yeah, they're giving two points to Denver, three points. And the whole number is 52. So I'm staying away from this. I don't even fuck with those things. And what else is going on this week? We got UFC, one motherfucking 50 sub. I'm all out of fucking numbers. Who knows?

I know it's Belford and fucking John Jones, the sphere of a black planet. You follow me? Oh, yeah. Someone made a video you put up last night. I think it's like the best of you. 140 minutes. It's 140 F-bombs.

Tremendous. Yeah. And whoever, and like halfway through it, it's you doing sphere of a black planet in front of John Jones. Oh, fuck yeah. I don't fuck around. Yeah. You got...

In fact, give me a public enemy to close out this motherfucker. Hey, guys, thank you very much for paying attention. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now to my main man, Lee Syat, the flying fucking Jew. I love him a lot. And there's another guy. Listen, guys. He's coming to me lately saying people are following him on Twitter.

This kid's a fucking sharp guy, and I love him with all my heart. I break his balls. Yesterday, I had to break his balls. He was talking about 250,000 Louis CK, because we're thinking of doing a special together. He's going to tape it. But Lee always wants to be like, you know, Johnny fucking, you know, he wants to be Martin Scorsese.

And we all, we got it. Two dollars. Yeah, but... You know, he wants to get cameras. He's telling me camera man. What fucking camera man? You're the camera man. Yeah, but there's a difference between being Martin Scorsese

and you think we can just show up and go to best buying a camera. And hey, we're just going to film this tonight. Nah, this fucking guy is the only Jew that buys retail. I never met a Jew that bought retail. You're the only fucking guy. I say, go buy a camera. Dog, there's $1,000. Get on the phone.

You're a Jew. That's what your people do. Get on the phone. Get on the fucking phone. Call the president. Say, I'm a fucking Jew. Get it down to two dollars. That's what Jews do.

This is the only producer who wants to pay top dollar for everything. It's 200,000. What 200? Get on the phone. Tell him you're people. You're fucking talking about your people. I love you. Now, Lee is giving more respect in the way he's my little brother.

Thanks, man. Lee's, Lee, I love with all my heart. I torment him. I fucking love him. He torments me. I think he fucked me too sometime. A little bit, just a little bit. Marilyn Monroe.

I know, because he's like, these motherfuckers know I get riled up and they love to see it. Wait till I have a heart attack. Wait till I have a heart attack. They're going to be like the fucking guy on Son's Anarchy. They're going to feel bad about it and shit. I thought it might have been an old place. I didn't know if it was Marilyn Monroe, but you wanted us to. You want to bring up.

We have enough song intro, so we're going to make it up this week. We're going to look at it and decide we've got a bunch of great ones. Thank you very much. And then also, this is going to, we're going to move to Ustream. We're making the move and within a week or two, so keep looking on Joey's Twitter and we're going to make a move at some point. And that's it, brother. You never tell them about a move you're going to make until you tell the people the fucking

momo. See, you fucked it up again. Tell them to move. We're going to surprise you. We're going to put some stuff in the studios and get some color in here. But let me tell you something, guys. From the bottom of my, and Lee knows when we started this podcast, swear up fucking business. This podcast was started just to have an extra voice.

That's it. Once a week for you guys, give you a little bit more content. We never dreamt, never fucking dreamt. This was not in our dreams for even being the top 10. What you guys have done. Thank you from the bottom of the least. Fucking cameras. Thank you.

That's a boy. Don't look at me. Look at the camera. Talk suckers. No, it's unbelievable. I knew people would like it and like you, but it just... No, no, no. You guys have made our year from the CD to the DVD to the Love Your Show at the shows.

I can't even fucking begin. I can't even begin. I'm 50 years old and you guys have, you know, stuck a finger in my ass as they say. Where am I at this week? Lee Thursday. I'm in Madison, Wisconsin at Champs. Tickets on brown paper tickets. And on Friday, I'm in Germantown in Milwaukee.

My favorite fucking place. A shout out to my brother, Duke, motherfucking Rufus out there. The movie tie and all the boys. He's got this fucking camp. I love Duke. I'm gonna try to stop by and throw some sidekicks for Jesus. But Friday night, brown paper tickets were in Germantown. Tickets are 20 bucks.

It's myself and Duncan motherfucking Trump. Oh, shit. Somebody emailed me. They're like, $20, Joey, for Duncan. I said it's two of us. It's for fucking $20. For $20? Two of us.

You can't go to a movie. You know, you go to comedy clubs sometimes. It's $20 just for fucking me. I don't make the fucking prices, you know. But listen, whatever you can do, I'll either see you Thursday in Madison or Friday in Milwaukee. You're right. But we're doing another church Wednesday. Yeah.

Special post fucking UFC pre NFL Churchill. What's happening now? Coming at your explosives. We were gonna see if Jesus shows up this week. We love you, motherfucker. It's in the bottom line. Thank you for listening to us every week. Play a little.

Go out and get a little public enemy. What do you got? Oh shit. Fear of a black planet. See you Wednesday. Have a great day. Knock them the fuck dead. Bye guys.

Love yous. you