Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/23/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #114

Episode Date: September 24, 2013

Comedian Josh Wolf callls in to the podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/23/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv, pc, smart phone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and buy dollashaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollashaveclub.com slash church that's dollashaveclub.com or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollashaveclub banner. Oh shit it's Monday motherfucking morning the 23rd of September and the best part about it is you are there motherfucker you made it you woke up give thanks to the man upstairs what the

fuck it is some black chick for an afro that maces wake up in the morning it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive we're here lisa at the cuban the flying jew oh shit kick a leak it's Monday motherfuckers get up wash your dick wash your pussy it's got to stink like a fucking that wash that helmet you never know what's gonna happen today it's a beautiful fucking day what's the story so what do you mean what's the story what the fuck is the story how fucked up were you friday night oh my god well i i made a mistake you made a mistake i yes i made a mistake i'm not i'm not i'm not even gonna blame you anymore i should know that if we have a thing i never taken edible before the show i should always take it during

because you're always gonna offer it to me on stage and i can't say no on stage so when we got there you gave me a gummy what you i it was it was a chibichu gummy right green hornet they're in denver and in some stores and i like i you know i love gummies because like i the one i'm gonna push you with the taste i just can't do it but the gummies are great so i was feeling it 10 minutes in with the gunman i was like okay this went right to you i saw it it went right to me that's the first time i ate it i was like yeah this is gonna be a good fucking night and then and then like i got i get on stage i'm already a little bit high but i can handle it like i could still walk around and stuff and you for whatever silly reason whipped out another gummy took a huge chunk out of it and

like put it in my face and you got them chanting lee like i i didn't get them to chant nothing they yes you did go back to the got back to the piano ball pull it up right now with lee lee lee yeah that was y'all lee lee lee lee and and i took it and within five minutes i was just like i was listening to yesterday and uh all you could hear was me giggling for like almost the entire show like i was petrified and i think i i couldn't tell if my because red bands mic was a little bit hot but i couldn't tell if mine was because i thought i could hear it when i like laughed into it even from like six feet away so i like moved to the side a little bit and then god and then after i uh i had someone from work sent me a text that took me about 20 minutes to respond to the text

and then after we took pictures and everything you left and i sat in my car for about 30 minutes i called i called the girl and i i just sat there and after about like i think 20 or 30 minutes i was like all right i can do this i backed out i did about 45 down the highway except about halfway there i got paranoid that like oh shit they're gonna know i'm going 45 50 so i made myself do 60 and i just i white knuckled it home in the right lane and i was expecting a call because you usually call me right like when we leave like i think we're gonna get on the highway but i don't you didn't i had my own problem i was fucking just as high as you were dog i was on that 134 whole month that's during we were like fucking you know like Stallone and cliffhanger i was holding on you

know that part on the 134 where you make those turns yeah it's real dark that was hell for me i thought the car was gonna break down i was gonna be out there walking around this is what goes to your fucking mind and then once you skip back into that lane i was once i passed like pacific and all those fucked up streets in glendale like it's pacific and then that's that long stretch that long stretch always petrifies me because if you break down down there you'll never make it home no that's a fucking ugly stretch out there i started not recognizing signs i was like oh my i thought i thought i went past and passed our minnokes into like calabasas i was like oh god i'm lost i made a mistake and this was my mistake i didn't know this for sure i thought

that the guy from chiba chew told me that these were 70 million no they're not they're 275 milligrams you did not give me 275 you ate probably the equivalent of a chibo chew the deca i ate two halves you ate a hundred you ate probably 175 milligrams of t8c friday night it just shocked your system that just that's like eating a whole deca chiba chew at one time and you do that on purposes yeah i do that just to fucking wake up just to breathe on the motherfucker it would have been so nice to just have the half i don't remember the podcast i don't remember the live podcast i just remember going off and yelling and then red band and i remember being out there talking to you guys and i got in the car and i had my own problems and all i kept thinking about was the taco man

because i knew he could save me and i called you from the taco thing you didn't answer because i want to tell you that there's a dui thing on lancashim and he would have failed it oh yeah even if you didn't have any cocktails you would have failed it because i would have failed it i went around and got the taco man from behind and i got uh two tacos and a fucking diet coke and that's what slowed me down okay and then i went home and i rolled the joint you oh fuck yeah that's that's one lady kept trying to give me a joint oh there was a bunch of people that smoke no crazy blonde lady yeah that was taping us they got mad at us i said don't tape his smoking you know we're just out here smoking having it listen man there's a couple etiquette things after the

shows when we're taking after we take pictures and we start smoking dope i want everybody just to smoke dope like you were in high school there's no more celebrities in the room there's no nothing that nothing bothers me more when somebody takes a camera at the end when we're smoking dope and it's just 20 people chilling these are the you know these are the fucking green berets they don't want to be on fucking facebook i don't give a fuck where you put me but these people at the back there some of them have jobs some of them have it jobs they don't want to be on fucking youtube smoking dope you know so at the end of the shows and we're outside taking pictures you want to take a picture that's fine don't put your fucking camera on and make a youtube video you know it's us it's us

smoking this guy's got the people's faces and shit and like i said i don't give a fuck where but there's a guy there who probably works for a fucking uptight white supremacist boss you know oh whatever i don't fucking know there's a lot of people that don't do that shit that's what guys but it was a great night i think i had a great fucking waterbox we were all fucking high i had a pocket full of those cheapo gels whatever i was just giving them out to jordan to edgar yeah no edgar was fucked up too edgar was fucked up too we're fucked up and then i looked at it you know i can't see without my glasses my vision is going on a daily fucking basis i can't even look at little things on my fucking phone no more really and the doctor told me if this continues you don't have to

come back and i'm gonna have to go back and get like fucking full-time glasses and i don't give a fuck because this sucks listen there's two things there's a couple things that give me anxiety well you gotta take a shit and i don't want to like you gotta take you ever gotta take a shit and you don't want like i don't want to take a shit right and i'm doing something you know what i'm saying but you gotta stop and go take a fucking shit that drives me fucking crazy it does i tell you what i get what's giving me anxiety lately is every since i went for that fucking ear infection my nose is fucked up now it's clogged so i can't breathe and from time to time in the afternoon i forget to spray that fucking shit i spray in my nose at afrin which is definitely no good for

you and it's addictive i could feel it now and uh my nose clogs up if i go to jiu jitsu or i'm on my back sometimes my nose clogs up that gives me fucking anxiety is fucked well that makes that makes sense but why does shitting because sometimes on the computer you're right you're getting into it you're like oh man this is looking me i'm i'm turning into a good rider and all of a sudden you're like what the fuck is this pain in my stomach fuck fuck fucking after like 10 15 minutes you gotta go shit well there's just being high making shit because every time i'm on an edible i have to i take the bigger i shit all the fucking time oh no and i go to the doctor and i tell him he goes what what's wrong with that yeah sometimes that's good for you that that means you're

fucking healthy you know i mean nothing wrong with taking a good fucking dump from time to time i don't even know what we're talking about this is monday fucking morning people it was a fucking great weekend yeah you know and let me tell you what so friday i did jiu jitsu and i met with aubrey from honnit nice nice lunch at chiibo chiibo you ever go to chiibo in hollywood no across from uh my favorite gym there that's a just in fortune as is jim and mackafoli is the boxing oh is that an entire meltdown that we went to yeah yeah across the meltdown this chiibo that's a great restaurant strip a lot of people don't know that about hollywood you don't need ten thousand dollars to eat that chiibo you get the fucking micro organic salad

and get a half order to know this spaghetti you're good to go i'm a fat fuck and i'm good to go half order a spaghetti and the full salad i'm good to fucking go you go three doors down i'm not particularly crazy about it but fucking i've had the pad thai shrimp there and it's phenomenal thai thai on sunset you've been there with the girl coconut soup not i mean you told me i've seen joe rogan i i've i've been in there with a lot of people to get the pad thai shrimp and i've seen people's faces who love thai food and their faces dropped i loved how good it is in there that's there if you walk down two blocks you hit the fucking aroma okay the jews you could buy a machine gun in there off the israelis they don't fuck around but they're open face steak sandwiches they got

some shit their salads their salmon salad is one of the best fucking salads you ever have in your life just salmon lettuce and tomato and onions oh my fucking god they have this i go to irie irie gets the hummus that's i don't smack him in the ass you know that's the national fucking tree in that fucking place but uh that's a great block but i went to went to just a boom saturday i went to a kid's soccer game which is a blast my friend's daughter's soccer game she's a yeah they went to jb's or bj's to eat okay i had the chicken tortilla soup and the salad fucking delicious then i watched the fight at home you know and then uh yesterday what did i do yesterday went to the farmers market you know you like doing that i love the farm does it does

mercy like it like she don't give a fuck as long as it's sunny out and she's not in the house she loves it i take i get some uh i get some fish i get some halibut i get some uh the other shit that people eat the sea bass i get two pieces little pieces of that i get some i get some peaches and chinese apples and we get some watermelon juice and we split a pizza while we're there they have a great fucking pizza slice there if you ever go to the farmers market on sundays and laurel canyon tremendous pizza i'll have to try it out yeah that's it i went to open roller jiu-jitsu i got beat up you know i like getting beat up so i worked out three days no today i was supposed to do a kettlebell workout with some fucking strength and conditioning i don't know i'm fucking

sure i slept good last night don't you sleep last night yeah kinder i was up a little bit late because i i had i worked yesterday because they shot over the weekend so by the time i got home and watched the breaking bad and stuff i went to bed like midnight you bad mother you have to start watching that dude you know what i'm watching the first season oh you really played on monday's on i fc so i tape on episode five you know it's a great you know what i gotta get into the show you know it's funny dave schipel said that oh yeah we didn't talk about that he said that uh he said that uh bad breaking bad is like the wire for white people yeah i was fucking dying he did the whole thing it was the most amazing week you know jill hamitsu i talked to her a lot she

does the calendar for death squad really sweet girl she's going to be at the show sadly i talked to jill jill was coming out with a bunch of guys from death squad and i explained to jill i go jill i don't want you or anybody else to think i'm rude but this lifestyle is very crazy and i enjoy i enjoy kicking the balls everyone's in a fucking while my wife doesn't like it because she doesn't like the amount of work that she thinks that i can't handle that i could handle you know my wife worries about me so she's like i don't know if you should do that movie why not it's eight days and you have to go to san francisco and he's just coming back from portland you know what i'm saying so uh you you have to it's the law diminishing returns you never want to do too

many things because then i'm giving everything 50 fucking percent i did that for years i thought i could shoot movies and do the week no now it's either one or the other one so it's funny last tuesday i'm sitting at with my wife eating and the kid and the phone rings and they asked me if i'm available for the denver show wednesday night so i come in i did the podcast i go immediately i jump on a fucking plane shoot the denver get to my hotel room walk over to the fiddlers green which i saw don henley there you know 18 000 people i get there when i get on stage they did a pre-show on the side which was great to see brody stevens brody looks great oh he does brody is a bad motherfucker you know i've known brody since he was a kid you know i wasn't i was

an adult already when i met brody but brody was a kid you know and uh he treats me he loves me and i love him and that's it that there's some people that you just love because you've been through hell with him you know it's like josh is calling today you know i don't see josh any day but when we talk for five minutes on the phone the love is there we've been through two months together i know it was kids you know uh i saw brody boom then he goes you got to go up and i went up and i was scared you know i did whatever mediocre the front seats weren't sitting people were just settling into their seats i was the warm up act you know and then uh handle barbers was great josh blue was fucking great yeah he was when he called me like you know who's called josh

josh blue is a cool motherfucker that little motherfucker we most of us smoked 80 fucking pipe hello he kept me alive because i didn't bring weed to them but why would you bring deep weed to them yeah it's like bring a fucking sand to the beach you know the chi boat you guys came out oh the show and they brought me the new chocolate bars that they have dabs oh yeah it's a 200 milligram mint chocolate or 100 sativa 100 fucking indica tremendous and they gave me a bag of those fucking gummies and i've been eating those gummies like a like an accident like the actual gummies yeah i'm not gonna eat them today though i'm gonna go straight to that i got shit late night tonight okay but it's so weird how i told

jill that uh i explained to jill about lifestyle that my lifestyle i can never make plans i know exactly yeah it's it's a horrible lifestyle to have but i like it you know it throws my social life out the window so i have no commitment to social life which i've never really enjoyed that shit anyway you know it's i'm the type of guy that wants friends but not really you know what i'm saying i get pissed off and go i want to do more things i'm not really i enjoy my time alone i enjoy my time riding i enjoy my time with the friends that i have but uh what was i talking about i don't fucking know so it's so weird like i don't like fucking weddings you know i'm not gonna go to a wedding every fucking week i look at my niece she's 21 living in jersey you know what

that means what you go to a wedding every fucking week that's what that fucking means so you're either going to a fucking wedding or you're either going to a goddamn funeral every fucking week i wish i was lying to you when i was 20 and 21 i would get wedding invitations i couldn't believe this shit you know when you live in colorado it's two three hundred a fucking gift a plane ticket a plane ticket for your date the the the fucking hotel the cocaine the restaurants it's a lot of fucking money so when i got into comedy i was like thank god i don't have to fucking go to the weddings anymore i'm not getting it because you're always working i'm always fucking working on saturday don't call me on a saturday because you want to get the same result

even if i'm not working i'm fucking working i'm always fucking working so it's it's so weird that that weekend that she was coming i was going out of town to shoot the documentary and uh one thing led to the other so tuesday boom i i you know i was telling jill that i don't make plans you know and i hate telling this to the podcast people this way but boom tuesday we get the call to go to denver we do the podcast i go to denver i get back fucking thursday and at the airport thursday morning i'm talking to my booking agent and as i'm talking to him i hear bleep you don't hear a beep on your phone yeah and i get off the phone i look and it's an email from my agent theatrical agent that i have an audition that they moved it from 11 30 to 320 uh so that night

i had when it was 11 o'clock i thought i couldn't make it so i barely looked at the sides but as i was reading the sides which are the sheets you read at the audition i noticed i go oh fuck this is me oh really right there i looked at the second guy's second line i go this is me he's a fire a pizza guy in brooklyn and his business gets burnt down okay so i read it boom i go home i make copies i fucking yellow it out i cut the audition up you know i write it out and i'm like this could be me i could fucking book this but i look at the date since the same week i'm in portland oregon so i go god damn it starts in the 23rd and it shoots to the 28th or something the 27th they go fuck i go you know what i'm not gonna not go in this is

something i used to do not go in fuck it book it and everything will fall into place yeah go in and book the fucking job so i went down there i went over to the to cbs radford went in there i knew as i was reading as i walked in they both looked at me like oh fuck they're like thank you for coming in i sat down i read it one time i said let's read it again she goes don't look at me when you say that line i read it boom walked down i knew right there they even said to me thank you they even like you know what was that whistle is that my lung i gotta stop smoking rica right did you hear that thing i did i wasn't gonna say anything it's like a kazoo i like it when your lung has a whistling it's time to go see a couple doctors you know what i'm saying but that's when you know you're

smoking from every degree i don't fuck around people i ain't fucking around no more so i leave there and it's thursday right it's thursday yeah right thursday so sure enough friday i'm driving it's three o'clock i'm going to meet my wife we're gonna have all these plans and i go holy fuck i didn't book that job they would have called me by now it's three o'clock they would have called me ah fuck it next one you know mm-hmm i get home i take my shoes off i sit on i pick up the bed and the phone rings and there it is the agent's number i booked uh brookman nine nine terry she looked at me i looked at it i got i talked to him but i have to shoot they want to be to shoot tuesday and friday mm-hmm tuesday wednesday and friday i told him absolutely

i would have had a cancel appointment just friday we could have done the podcast and then i would have gone back saturday and sunday we would have i would have done the two shows on friday but they hit me up yesterday and i even tried to fucking kill it and they couldn't kill it they said we shoot tuesday and thursday or we're recast we love joey but we can't yeah so i'm shooting tuesday and thursday so i won't be able to do a podcast with lee and portland thursday but i get to do four shows on friday and saturday so yeah so it's gonna we'll come around and do it and then i had to cancel chicago the following week because i got the other movie yeah so i start shooting that on tuesday so but it means you're it means you're doing well i mean you're funny

this is we're busy yeah you know we're busy and this is the time of the year you know it's always a different fucking time of the year for me so some years but usually september to december with december being the strongest is usually the best time of the year for me so we booked the fucking show and it looks pretty good it's andy samberg the guy from the wire uh my buddy from fucking the longest short they got that played the black guy terry cruz and they're really pushing it there's billboards everywhere yeah yeah yeah so we got a good fucking job people so there you go so i'm brooklyn nine nine we got the dogs that save these the next week with dean can again and uh the movie and december whatever the fuck happens man yeah this is it this is what you do this is

why you get up every fucking morning and read and write stupid fucking jokes we're some musically cock sucker let's park this joint it's monday september 23rd you know i'm saying if you started last week and you're fucked up fuck it start again this week that's what monday's are four oh shit look at this fucking reefer man you ready for this i'm i'm too high already the goal is to make your eyeballs look the same red as your t-shirt i just realized that i'm high like right before when you were lighting up i'm like oh god i hope he doesn't ask me to smoke come on over here we don't want to come in you gotta go in the 405 you don't drive in the 405 game smart

pays to smoke the best bitches where's that whistle in my life you want to hang on me you ain't pulling the bill Clinton on me he loves company wait and see you know who was good to see the only red band yeah he was great let me tell you some people red bands are fucking great kid okay i want you to fucking come and sit opposite me and Joe Rogan in a fucking booth one day and try to get it word and edgewise and then you know what the worst thing is but people give him shit that's stuff i would have said you know he's like me we like he was a projectionist he's a goofy guy he just i mean see he's a great fucking kid i actually

i actually had a i was planning on thanking him actually hold on my man anthony spina is on the phone here spina what's happening baby i'm doing the podcast everything all right i just take your call because i want to congratulate you cock suck i love you you and the wife where you had it for the honeymoon they're going to fucking south africa for a honeymoon that's a honeymoon right there i love you wish i'd give everybody a kiss and i didn't forget i gave lee the card on monday the oh that's my boy right here thank you don't thank you thank you brother okay and when we uh see you we're gonna take care we're gonna hook up we're gonna jump up and down he chiba choose again we'll do some jumping jacks i love you be safe in south africa beautiful man

i forgot to tell him to congratulate him online anthony spina his beautiful wife the guy from the palms lee tell him how i gave you the card oh thank you so after after the podcast uh we'll get back to red band in a second i just realized we stopped talking about it um after the podcast red band had his desk watch show and and he told me he was doing a he told me he had a show right before the podcast and when he said you were doing it even before the podcast i was like oh so joe is opening it right because i knew you were gonna take a round so right at like literally after you got done taking pictures you've got done smoking weed you went up to do the show and i just went to watch because i was high and i i followed you i don't know um but as we're waiting right at the

door to go in he's like and you and you've seen him on the church and you went in your wall and you pulled out a gift card and you like handed it to me rushed i was like what the fuck because i you told me like when you went to new york they gave me a gift card which i can't wait to use because i love the palms the fucking stakes amazing but like you handed it to me like eight seconds before you go on on stage and i was finally not high yesterday so i was like hey let me ask you something why why did you hand that to me i don't know because i have a problem with shit going through my mind i don't execute the thing leaves my mind we all have that fucking problem and we gotta start taking care of it ain't just me people fucking email me and i talk to people all the time

you get a fucking thing in your head sometimes like wow maybe i should write a story maybe i should do a work maybe i should do this work i don't know it doesn't happen to me alone it happens to a lot of people yeah some comes to your mind and just about you're about to write it down the phone ring something else comes to your mind then you lose the thought and you lose the of what you or you remember the thought but you forget what you were gonna really fucking write about like something like that or whatever the fuck you were gonna do and that's why i can't forget i had that in my wallet since monday okay so i did two podcasts with you didn't even fucking think about it when i got to the car i thought about it fuck i didn't give him as soon as i put my wallet on the front

seat yeah fuck i didn't give him a goddamn gift card because i was worried since i was so stoned because i had taught i told my dad about it like i think earlier that i think on the ride there i had mentioned it because he's coming in november i said oh cool we'll get stakes um and i was worried in my highness that i had blacked out and asked you for right before you went on stage like oh god i hope i didn't get high and asked him for the gift card right before he went on stage liya i got like i said you know there's no fucking amount of i try to take everything i take the ps 94 i take the alpha brains i take the fucking alpha brain i'm sorry i mean p90x yeah no no not p90x they have a pill that they have ATP whatever i i try to do so many things for my i haven't got an

luminosity yet because i'm not that much of a fucking moron but uh i need to do exercises for my mind how about smoking joint and fucking turn the lights off that's a fucking exercise for your mind right there you're sitting in the dark listening to black Sabbath master reality thinking about your debt uh so quickly on red band i had like i thought about saying something to him because he really like started that like like there wouldn't you wouldn't be doing this without him and joe and i wouldn't have what i'm doing without him he basically he started it up and some people i think i think that's why he you know he likes me honestly because when i first started someone wrote to me and said something like oh you're you're great and but you're better than red band i said

red band started this out for people like and i said that to him i think he started following me then but uh he's a cool guy he took me back to the studio he has and he showed me some stuff and and he like he's just goofy i love him i love him i really uh i've learned to love him and i like him like i don't need to have him and joe together i don't need to have him together with anybody i i adore hanging out with him by himself he's a fucking funny little fucking guy especially like this time i go to a way on with him me him and joe we'll go to a hotel and he's up early so he'll call me we'll smoke a joint go to breakfast giggle and he'll go buy clothes really yeah go find the macy's he'll take a cab to a fucking macy's and call me from macy's come on

down here i found these hundred and fifty dollar pants for seventy five dollars you know he's just a nutty guy you do comedy with him at night you know you you walk back to the hotel with him he's drooping the next morning you call him and he's been out there eating a fucking morning at some strip club with three fucking hook it's just it's craziness and i wish i had that endurance i'm a pussy well now i've been a pussy for fucking 15 years since i was 36 or 35 bro trust me i'm telling you i can't live like that no more he's 40 yeah that's something you don't think about he could still stay out and drink and shit i can't fucking do that last time i was doing that was 2000

i was 13 years ago i was 37 years old i was a fucking loser and i had to do that shit going out and going to hotels and snort and blow by myself and shit and staying out till seven in the morning paranoid that that's a fucking nightmare life man i'm rolling up on six years of that shit not doing it that's crazy man it's fucking crazy not not and the beauty that it's been it it's not doing it and not thinking about it yeah you know what was great when you said when you open it when we're talking earlier about the the farmers market i was like how he would never have imagined he would be like selling oh yeah i get fair shake and a nice watermelon juice and i have a great pizza i'm a great farmers market because when i was doing all that blow i felt that

if i drank a watermelon juice and ate an apple oh okay i was doing something positive from my system if i ate sushi and drank water like a mineral water like a justin fortunes gym they sell that water they don't feel as sore i think they take something out of it or they put something in it but were you as excited about it like you were like oh it was a great sunday i went to the farmers market like i was like six seven years ago he was doing blow and no but i've always i've always been a fan of those things my my lived in boulder so that that hippie type of thing i liked i liked i really enjoy that outdoors stuff i really enjoy that these people grew it is it do they really grow because they have one in boston and he used to piss me off because

they would bring just bring boxes of that and it says from hawaii i'm like i don't want i want what do you actually do you know like the fishing guys you know it's just nice to have a i have contact with the same people every week i'm a big small business type guy you know i grew up in a different society there's a lot of young people don't remember that you know walking down your street and it being a shoe guy that would fix purses and and and sew everything for you you know the other day i ripped my fucking kickboxing shin things i went to a leather guy and he fixed them better than anybody else could fit he fixed them better than manufacturer you know but he's a guy in a corner i gave 20 bucks to you know i enjoy knowing the butcher's name when i go to

raps i'm the fucking butcher's name no i buy meat off the fucking rack i want to walk in and the butcher goes i got something for you come here and we go in the back and he shows me this piece of fucking meat that he hasn't even put out yet all these lobster tails he got that he's not putting not till monday and it's saturday afternoon do you think that still exists anyway yes yes did you see that there's a kid on facebook that wrote about norman the butcher in hollywood at the hollywood you told me about that if you went under that one guy was my butcher why because i'd have a come i'd have a life with him he knew i had a wife at the time he knew i had a girlfriend we both like to eat steaks so every time i walk in there psk man look at these thin steaks i got you know

he's a big black guy so that that's that's lost in this country you know a place where you could go to when you go to when you go to the local chain in your town where if anybody lives you just buy apples or you buy you go to your organic side and you go to the regular side you buy bananas or you buy this or you buy that when you go to a farmers market you communicate with one guy he's your conduit to what's going on don't buy the cherries this week they're not that good oh i know you don't like chinese apples take three of them they're sweet and a little baby likes them the guy go to sells us the fruit gives us a discount because my wife goes to him downtown on thursdays in the farmers market downtown so her and her employees from work walk over there so she goes that's a guy from

downtown he he's cuban so we always talk so at the end of everything on sunday he walks over with an apple or a peach and he gives it to to mercy through her hand from his hand to her hand that's very special they don't do that no more in this fucking country no and the kids that are 20 you forgot about that where the guy would walk from behind the counter every fucking sunday he stops what he's doing with 50 people in front of him i know he's got other employees and he gets a fruit and he brings it to mercy it's a free fruit you know when i was a kid there used to be a across the street from my mother's bar way before the new moon chinese restaurant there there was an italian deli where the guy would wear a smock you know and he'd slice co-cuts for you and he had buckets

with avocados and potatoes and you went and grabbed them but what i remember from that was the back wall i really remember the back wall because the back wall was where you got up and he had all the penny candy so he had all this penny candy in boxes you know like fruit boxes but you had to get on a fruit barrel to go like your parents would have to pick you up and you'd reach and you'd get the candy canes or another fucking candy he had i don't fucking know does it matter but after he'd buy everything after i'd give him the 50 cents or like my mother had the bar right across the street so a lot of times my mother would have beef with me like i'd have an argument with her or whatever the fuck and somebody would be there and they'd go let's walk him across the street

i remember being four like in five and like somebody from the bar walking across the street with me and saying get whatever you want and at the end of everything the guy would go in the back and come out and give me a caramel apple you know what you feel like when you're fucking four or five that the guy went in the back and got you there so my daughter's too fucking young to realize what's going on but when she's three or four she's gonna realize that this guy comes out every day every sunday this fucking guy comes out when i'm home and that's why i try to get back early because the earlier i get back i go to farmers market with them let me hit the same people every week there's the mexican people got the hot dogs at the bacon island oh you know that right no different

different people and they come up from downy but they have juices so they have watermelon juice they got strawberry with milk and ice watered down they have you know tamarindo then they have a paella station you're gonna go there with your girlfriend you're going next fucking sunday cop sucker you go like at nine thirty you park your car and you walk around they have like uh fruit and apples and peaches and and all this stuff and at the end they have a mule and the kids go on the mule and and they go up and down they jump and and you know and and to watch i mean listen it's not my favorite farmers market this one up here in laurel canyon because it's a bunch of fake people you know you got a couple actors in there and they stand in the middle

and they clog up the traffic and you want to smack them the fucking face because move over you fuck move over what the fuck are you doing the middle for you know uh you have paparazzi up there really oh yeah they're fucking idiots too did they ever go after you uh once about a year ago they went up to me up there with my wife was pregnant i don't want to go fuck myself i did i really did they got stupid he got really stupid i think he's like an apprentice it's a couple of them it's a fat little chinese guy looks like a buda he's got like a little fucking mustache and shit last week they were chasing somebody you know a farmers market usually go with your child you know you're gonna go then take fucking pictures like a little faggot with your fucking camera

by the way speaking of facts did you see liberachi one last night i saw you were excited about it i saw michael douglas one last night and as i was switching to the channels last night it was a lot and i watched it for a little while fucking tremendous one of my favorite movies i still have to watch it i thought of you the other day you know i have hbo no i could like direct tv call me and they were like we can offer you hbo for ten bucks a month i said no and as i was saying i was enjoying i could all i could hear is just get just pay the 20 bucks cocksucker ten bucks a month and you got hbo think about that i don't watch the tv i have right now i went to tv i just watch the fucking ten bucks you got it what's ten bucks that's a hundred it's a hundred twenty

bucks a year what's ten bucks you're making though you're an editor yeah well i don't know fucking to get all that something you got chicks coming over here yeah you want you you watch the cat willing special yeah the first one which one catapult or the first one with the fucking other different particles yeah yeah what's he saying there that at his house he's got alize he don't drink alize but the bitches come over right yeah the sheets they're white they're covered and you're playing now yeah yes you gotta have hbo for the freaks maybe she don't want to watch fucking breaking bad maybe she wants to watch boardwalk empire on a sunday you ever think of that huh i'm sorry for the ten bucks and then you add hulu plus for the 799 a month no that i already

have that see you don't say how the fuck are you gonna lose so you got hulu and hb fucking up you do good just with hulu with hulu alone people do fucking good 799 month eight thousand fucking month 96 a year you're watching shows who's better than you when we give you two weeks for fucking free so you get the hulu and now you got hbo the ten dollars league you're breaking my fucking heart you know documentaries you're missing about sports listen real sports yeah it's a type of show that even if they did you never seen a documentary did about the fucking kids in india the jockeys no but you're watching grand theft auto like a fucking guy muggin hope yeah and i'm ripping off car drug dealers cock sucker i was i was saving the world

last night see look you can't get me high like expect me to have a real conversation um no i don't know i i uh from from the time i was in high school to the to now like my my my we were a little bit well off when i was younger but from high school until about a year ago things have been tight and now that i'm finally making it just like i'm not like week to week i still don't want to spend the money last night me and my wife had none for dinner at the house and i got in a fucking car i don't know what we're gonna eat i don't know what do you feel like eating i don't know what you feel like eating i don't know what do you feel like eating or go get the argentinian food there's always a salad no maybe we'll go to maybe we'll go to this place

i said fuck let's just go to chiba i went the other day and the organic salad was delicious and i'll get a side order the pizza or with a spaghetti because the spaghetti comes meatless okay delicious red sauce delicious and in the middle of this i said you know what i'm not fucking going to hollywood on the sunday to drop 100 fucking bucks whether i have it or not i'm not fucking going down i made a u-turn winter routes we wouldn't spend too much fucking dollars in groceries and that's it and we made a salad at the fucking house i understand what it is to be cheap or not cheap my time is valuable on sundays i didn't want to go to a restaurant spend an hour there they didn't have to go to fucking routes you know what i'm saying so

it's not and i understand but for the simplicity of it HBO had 19 things on there last night that i would watch really because when you have HBO they give you all those other shit right of room they give you all those other channels probably yeah they have a thousand things a night i'm not a tv guy i can't sit there and watch uh you know fucking uh 20 hours of yeah yeah it's just not for me no more it's just not i'm not mad at somebody does it it's just when i'm sitting there watching i know i could be doing something else yeah you know i need to write bits i need to write this fucking book so for me to sit there and throw fucking nine hours away at once i would love to be able but that's what i think about you know that's the type of guy

i think about i gotta go i'm thinking about doing laundry even though i don't have to do laundry till tuesday you know i'm always thinking about what the fuck i could be doing that's why it's hard for me to sit there for five hours yeah you want to watch i watch breaking bad tonight i watch breaking bad i think i have nine episodes in the first season i wanted to start it from the first season oh you have to yeah there's no way and it's pretty interesting he lost his job he had cancer you know i fucking get i would sell drugs to i think i think in about two weeks you know i'm coming on like i fucking stayed up for 27 hours watching because once you get to like the end of the first into the second season it hooks yeah now dexter was the finale last night

yeah but that's something i know i don't have to i didn't watch it i watched the first 10 minutes of it and again i had to answer emails it's it's i couldn't do it and my wife left me my wife stayed out there i would have watched dexter i would have sat with her because i have i have a feeling that in my life i have to sit with her and watch a tv show on a sunday night see america used to watch the fucking guy that used to do music see we used to watch uh now they have sunday night football instead of sunday night football they had american whatever we watched animals and shit like the nor american bandstand saturday mornings okay and then uh the 7 a.m or 7 p.m on sundays was the lorenz walk show so america watched lorenz walk and watched fucking liberace

you play the piano and people dance and you know people love that shit which that became dancing with the stars we're a generation of dancing so our generation loves dancing with the stars it's oh my god the fuck out of him watch tv and watch fucking people dance you know i was telling somebody a story that a lot of people were gonna do magic with the stars did you know that no they weren't yes they were they used to be a girl comic and in san diego there was a very sweet girl she's the one that held doug stanhub's balls when he shaved his balls on stage in austin 15 years ago my name is jen i think really sweet girl and she was a magician her father was there from new york and her father was a vaudeville guy i don't know one of those street performers in

the circus so this girl marin dada be a fucking magician you know she grew up in a fucking circus fucking comedian grew up in a circus like a Puerto rican circus not like ringing brothers so she moved to new york to do comedy or something and she would keep in touch with me from time to time one night i got a call and she was cute and i was doing blow and i know she did blow and you know when somebody's cute and you know that you could do blow with them you know the next move eventually you're gonna be sucking her fucking pussy at five in the morning coked up with dry cotton mouth and shit so i knew something was gonna go down between this eventually she was a young cute girl and i was i coked up pervert and one night she called me

and i was sleeping on a monday night and she goes hey man can you get a package and i'm like where are you she's like i'm at the magic castle oh shit and she's broken down for me she got a job she'll be working with uh the other magicians on the show i gotta sneeze one of these fucking one of these smoke rings one in my nose so uh she keeps calling me can i get a blow and it's monday night something happened i didn't audition on any other night i would have got up and got it a blow and went over and take my dick out and jerked off and you know something disgusting so i told her no so she called me back and she goes she's at a bar and she's with some magician buddies and i go all right all right have a good

night she goes i'll call you during the week i love you i love you too and i didn't hear from her for three or four days when i finally called and and she goes she answered but she was very different she goes can i call you back and uh she called back a couple minutes later she goes i don't know if you hear what happened remember i called you the other night and because she she goes i called you back and remember i told you i hooked up with some magician guys well that night i went back to my room and i got out later the one guy broke into the door and raped me fuck this is fucking heavy duty i'm like what and she's like yeah a little while later i heard something in the window and the guy broke in i don't know the whole fucking story and she goes they arrested him and the

it was a cb it was an abc show they cancel the fucking whole series because of that oh shit i was wondering like i was like how did this come from was it started doing magic i'm so she i know that she came back to la to press charges to have to go to court and shit and she had this she moved away but that's a true story see i give the fucking podcast view is something it's monday morning cock suckers what the fuck you want you know i'm saying you got to get up you got to wash your fucking feet you got to fucking pull the skin back on your helmet and you got to get out there it's a beautiful day to be alive the sun's out you go swimming this weekend cocksack no i don't know what to say i don't know when do i it start starts october first

october first yeah why don't you start tomorrow because i don't want to i don't know i was planning on going to portland so i didn't get the stuff and now i don't want to juice for how long was that started to another month another month how many pounds you dropped this time i'd like to do the same like 50 to 70 in between there you hand some mother for you go back to boston looking sharp with the broad yeah i don't i uh i don't know yeah it's hard i'm on the stone i like losing weight but then it gets tough and and like i put like 20 back on so i want to i want to nip it in the bud before i put all the back on and make it i'd make that whole month for nothing you look all handsome let me see the crab today let me see she can give it to me oh shit you bad mother fucker you

you know what i'm saying well it's it's just funny how i didn't mean to bring i just thought about that story yesterday about the girl and then we're gonna do magic with the fucking stars and whatever happened to it that's what happened to it that's crazy that's fucking crazy she was a good girl too i knew my ex-boyfriend he moved to houston while his dog stand up shaving his balls on stage had to be about 12 years ago maybe 15 years ago in austin he got banned he took his dick out and shaved his balls on stage or something i don't fucking know you know a lot of people have no idea they just signed on for the stanhope brigade now stanhope's been tortured motherfuckers for 20 years now and you lived with him for a little bit

right how these days i'm gonna get him on a live podcast uh and we're gonna fucking tell some fucking stories how did how did that happen they guys ended up living together he i met stanhope and basically 91 when i first got into county out 92 i was the host at the broker in boulder oh you knew him up there okay i knew him from fucking boulder guys i'm no fucking johnny come lately and i'm took and they used to go for tuesday's boulder wednesday off thursday craig friday derango and saturday colorado springs okay that was the week for triple triple is still around he books one nighters there rooms that are painy ass to do is a lot of driving in between but you got to get up like he'll call let's say you got to be in cop boulder tuesday you got to get the boulder by

tuesday since it's the only pays on in 75 dollars a night you're not going to take a flight now you're i'm trying now the fucking gas will kill you so you got to drive there then from there you got to get the craig colorado which is six hours away but you have wednesday off so you got two days to get up there so you got a choice you could stay in your fucking again you get paid 175 waiting holiday and express is a buck 30 so there's no holiday and express for that night off so you got to sleep in your car or know somebody if the comics were cool on tuesday and i could click with them i'd have them stay in my house then okay yeah so i tell them stay at the broker tonight and tomorrow we got a late check out enjoy boulder and call me about five we get something to eat

and you can still i had just gotten divorced so i had this huge living room and i had a shower fuck it and they would come take a shower and leave thursday morning drive to craig uh okay you know it's good because i knew someday i was gonna need a wednesday and i covered and i got him you know so he would come to town he came twice to boulder they call come in we'll quit we'll finish there oh shit what's up man good morning my friend how are you you know me dog jumping up and down getting ready to go fucking behind the condolabra one last night liberace slinging dick i'm excited today did you see did you see that movie josh will yeah i watched it a fucking tremendous it was the worst piece of shit i've ever seen in my life no no no no see you looked at it

through a hollywood standpoint i looked at it for what it was it was a creepy old guy convincing the young guy to suck his dick that's fucking artistry where i come from anybody could get there you get your dick sucked right now asking a 20 year old chick to suck your dick wait till you're 60 and you try to get a 25 year old guy to suck your dick that's magic right there yeah but no not not if you get that kind of money shit he was banging he was getting all those because once you see one you gotta figure he did it a thousand times now this wasn't 2013 josh this was the 60s and he was slinging dick a la michael jackson yeah but let me ask let me take some in the 60s they they were more apt to suck dick because they had to be undercover second deck there were they were

they're gonna get it wherever they wanted they didn't have to be as choosy but those guys had it rough because they also had to maintain that they were men now i was six when i saw liberace i knew back then he sucked the cock i didn't take no fucking genius but you know who was the best in that movie was rob low yes he was yes he was he was amazing in that movie he was amazing yeah it was everything else was it was too stupid it was can't be it was ridiculous i couldn't do it i couldn't do it man i just liked how michael duck i watched that part again last night how michael duck was convinced him to suck his dick it was it was brilliant you taking notes no but you gotta look at something like that and go jesus christ this motherfucker that's the first time i saw it that's

what i kept looking i'm like what the fuck is liberace gonna do to my name my name i have to honestly say i've never and not because i haven't asked but once i ask i just don't ask again i've never actually tried to convince someone to suck my dick like a girl or a boy a girl or a boy but definitely never anybody never tried to convince anybody because once i say no i'm like all right you've never told the girl like why not and she'll say well i don't do that on the weekends then you got them once they stick around listen if you ask a girl to suck your dick and she sticks around they got them usually if you ask a real woman to suck your dick she'll say i'm appalled she'll throw a drink in your face and walk away i don't think i've ever dated anybody that knows the word

appalled so i think i'm in good shape i don't know it either i just heard it yeah i think i think i'm in pretty good shape with that i think i try to keep actually look you the the only woman that i've ever dated that had any kind of vocabulary i ended up marrying so that's that's how that went she was too smart for me they always are they always are they get you to the back door look at me i moved in now i got an eight month old fucking girl at the house that's amazing by the way joe dear let me it's about your career things in career i was gonna talk to you about this yesterday but i wait today your career right now is probably in a better spot than it's ever been can we say that yeah yeah is that crazy did you think at your age did you ever come to

a point where you were like i might i might have to stop three years ago was it three years ago yeah and that's about where everything turned around for you didn't it yeah about three years ago i was ready when i moved to the valley i started seeing it for what it was and i'm like you know what i don't want to go on the road you know you and i had this discussion yep i don't mind doing television and film but i'm not doing the shit i was doing for three years like during the after strike shit that came my way i don't need that again you know i like doing spots during the week i just don't want drama if i got to stay out till 130 to do a spot a in a spot i'm too fucking old for that you got a spot at 9 30 let's get this party started but if not one two in the morning

i'm not doing that shit no more and i was getting ready to quit and i like the podcast thing i did like the radio aspect of it so i asked felicia let's do a fucking podcast and it only uh but it was a combination of a lot of things josh wolf you know you're here for a long time yeah that's the secret that a lot of people don't know yeah some people come roseanne went to the store and she got on the tonight show and if she was a paid regular one night that's a good fucking fairy tale but that doesn't happen nine out of ten fucking times you know 99,000 out of about 100,000 that doesn't happen i mean 99,999 out of 100,000 that didn't happen that never fucking happened but here's the thing like i think i think you and i had the same kind of feel

for me it was like because you keep you're always told in this town or you're not even told that you kind of that feeling once you get past a certain age if you're not already in you're never gonna be in you know what i mean i never believed that you never believed that never believed that i heard something at the store one night that destroyed me but i thought it was the dumbest fucking statement i had ever heard what you heard i heard messina tell one of those dumb broads that hangs out at the store that once you're 27 you're done in this town remember when they were producing those showtime specials about 10 years ago yeah they produced about nine of them for nine different comics yeah he was at the store telling some girl that if in this town if you're

over 26 you're dead you're not gonna make your career is fucking dead you're a nobody i sat there and thought about it and went home and the next night i go up there and there he is and i pulled him aside and i go what the fuck gibberish were you fucking talking about last night he was what are you talking about go you told some girl that if you're over 26 i go you wouldn't have a fucking dime if it wasn't for tim alan the fat guy with the glasses and the other dude and none of them were 26 when they made it yeah and he looked me straight in the face yeah he looked me straight in the face and he goes you're right i go don't ever repeat that to somebody fucking what's my fucking idol he didn't make it till he was 50 something years old rodney dangerfield

wasn't even in a fucking game till he was 50 something years old now is that true yeah he was in the game and then he got out because he had to support his family so he sold aluminum siding in jersey but he kept writing josh he wrote like mitch headberg type shit every day so when he got his shot he had three hours of material which nobody really has he had 10 hours of fucking one line is you know my wife this yeah so everybody wanted to put him in everything you got to watch that biography it's pretty fucking good and i didn't see it it's pretty much mixed with caddy shack because he started he got so busy that he started blasting right they kept putting him on the tonight show and every time i went on tonight show he did six new minutes but this was throw away

shit for him he had notebooks full of jokes so they wanted don rickles the studio wanted don rickles for caddy shack how ramus said fuck that noise i want danger field they brought him down to florida that whole biography is this on a and e on a and e that whole scene where he did he wanted to quit after the first scene that's him when he walks in he goes you must have been something before electricity that whole fucking six minutes right after that when they said cut he goes he walked up to how ramus and he goes fire me and he goes why he goes because nobody laughed he goes they're not supposed to laugh you're shooting a fucking movie stupid he goes they're not laughing nobody's laughing what is this shit and he did it again and the ronnie danger field was born but the reason that ronnie

was so big was because even though he quit going on stage he kept writing he fucking said fuck it i'll get my shot eventually and i have 10 hours of material so there you have it do you know that's the one thing that i if there's one thing for me that has gone away a little bit is my desire to write new material that's the one thing look i used to sit down every night and now i'm writing other shit but my desire to write new material which is one of the reasons my desire to travel has dropped a little bit has has gone like when i sit down and i go i'm gonna write it isn't comedy now that i that i sit down i want to write you know what i mean so i i struggle a little bit with that that that that fire that used to be there i was like i'm

gonna write them i'm gonna go out and just try some new shit that fire is not fair as much as it used to be well i'll tell you what i started doing which is gonna work for you because you like you like to do what i do i'm always writing a book yeah so when i open up left left and i write the fucking chapter or the scene for the day i always leave a notebook open next to me because i'm exercising and we all superset in the gym right why not superset when we write so me and josh went to the corner we walked the fucking the dog across the street we're both coked out and right there i'll think about a dog joke and i'll go to my fucking notebook which is right there and right even if it's just uh not the uh the joke out but uh the thought whatever that's called the premise

yeah you know and it's so weird how you struggle you can't write dick for 90 days and all of a sudden you go to st louis you get two premises you bring them up on stage on thursday and you just wrote to 20 fucking minutes so those two months that you were struggling for and you were cracking don't struggle like that some days comedy comes out and some days it fucking doesn't man that is crazy though i will i do agree with that like there are some weeks where nothing you sit down and fucking nothing comes out nothing nothing nothing and then all of a sudden for two or three days in a row you're prolific but then but it's that it's those two or three weeks that make you think oh i gotta get that what the fuck is that what the fuck am i doing i can't write no more what am i

gonna do when i go to this place they've seen that joke and all of a sudden you start all of a sudden you get on a plane and a baby bangs his fucking head then you start writing on the plane yeah and then you smell a fart at luggage and you throw sand all of a sudden it starts building and you get this momentum all of a sudden you left you know you went you had great shows and you came back with 11 minutes of material and all of a sudden in three weeks you've written an album but for six weeks before that you were on the road jeff dear some dude you know fart in a luggage some dude was clipping his toenails on the plane in the row across from me no he wasn't clipping his fucking toenails oh you gotta say something that nasty motherfucker that we're eating hummus on the plane i gotta say

something to you though clipping his toenails in the guy next to him wouldn't say anything wouldn't say anything and i was across the aisle and i kept looking now you hear it like thick thick thick and did he have flip-flops on this filthy fuck no he took his shoes and socks off oh shit like uh like uh like fucking john candy and trained planes and automobiles and he told you look at steve barny goes whoo my dogs are on fire he took his fucking shoes and socks off uh the guy next to him was a polite white man and decided not to say anything and when i got off the plane i sent some of the guy i go because i was clear across the guy was in a window all the way across and i was in the aisle across the window so i had you know five

feet separating me i just thought it was disgusting i looked over and i put my headphones back on and you know put my hoodie on and went back to sleep but i sent to the guy when i got off the plane the guy was the next time i go how did you not say anything to that dude clipping his toenails he paid for his seat just like i did i go no no no no no no no he paid for his seat he did he did not pay extra to take his shoes and socks off and clip his fucking toenails are you crazy the guy was like well it's america i'm like okay whatever dude how gross is that you know man it's fucking crazy out there there's some filthy motherfuckers out there i would never dream of taking my foot out in fucking public like that that fucking hoof and no i the only thing i take out well i've started

to do like you i take my little g-pan out and everywhere in public with everybody let me tell you something i was on a plane two weeks ago coming back from uh i think new york and i had a ball itch that was brutal and i was high as fuck on an edible and for some reason i had the window seat i had the middle open but i had some lady in the outside and i did not have the balls to get up i was so high josh wolf i was on fire on one of those fucking decker shoes whatever those goomy bae i don't even know what the fuck the cheaper shoes yeah but now they got the goomy bae's 275 milligram i gave one to lia at the ice house friday his eyeballs almost blasted out of his fucking what is it what's a gooey bear is like a gummy bear yeah gummy bear only a goomy

bear because you're fucking all goomed up how how many do you eat i eat about 10 of them you know me i'm a fucking gorilla how much of a cheap would you do you eat uh not to the it's weird if i'm gonna work out i can't eat the edibles no more because they get my anxiety going like i when i do the treadmill or whatever the fuck i do when i start breathing hard yeah i think i'm gonna have a heart attack so i stopped with the fucking edibles before i work out if i have a clear day then fuck it i'll blast those motherfuckers like a soldier how much how much of a cheap would you you're putting down i could throw down a whole 175 for breakfast get the fuck out of here like a soldier i could pop one of those in 10 minutes when i get home without even thinking but i wouldn't

i'll pop a hybrid or a sativa cheap but you just to get the party started just to get the blood going and then by two o'clock you know i gotta face my fears and i gotta figure what to do but if i don't have like uh jiu-jitsu at night or something like that i will blast one at six o'clock and go for if i don't have a spot josh will what am i unless i listen those days are staying up till two and trying to be prolific and riding those days are long gone no gone all right so what what are you up for to do what to watch what oh no i don't stay up past all that yeah i can't do it no more i had to be here at six i gotta get up before 45 right i gotta be at 9 30 on these nights unless you're paying me you're not getting out of the house on a tuesday or sunday night because i want

to be fresh here this is why i need to be fresh yeah but i if i'm doing a spot like what i do sometimes you do three shows on the road which are brutal like on a saturday night but if i'm at my house i'm in my bed by 11 it's not even there's not even a question but i i don't i don't write it night anymore i don't write it i only write during the day but i i love getting up in the middle of night still that's my best and do what if i wake up at 315 ip and i can't go back to bed i hit that coffee machine i get one of those cups i go in there i roll the fucking joint i check my twitter facebook outlook gmail and right from there i'll drink half a cup of coffee half that fucking joint i just because for a guy like me even if i write a paragraph it's worth it if i get up at 315 in

the morning i'm gonna punch myself in the face i'm gonna do that no uh josh wolf if get up sometime next time you can't you get up at two in the morning and you can't go to the tv wait five minutes go make a cup of coffee take two hits off the g pen and open up the computer you're gonna be surprised what happens at three in the morning it's a complete different situation in your home you used to write at that time years ago and you got positive results yeah but if i do it now i'm gonna end up looking at porn and when you look at porn you just whack off quick and you get it out of the way i do the same thing you know it's how you don't even have to look at porn just have to think about it and whack off on the computer while you're typing in something else and i'm lefty

i'm ambidextrous i can hit it from both angles you know no i can't lefty it's uncomfortable i'm a lefty motherfucker i'll type on the computer i'll be in there hitting fucking hotmail with my right hand and wagging off with the other remind me never to touch your fucking keyboard no i'm not one of those juicy motherfuckers i don't like that but i'm saying if you gotta whack it's not like you're in the middle of a parrot if josh wolf if you're writing yeah you're in the middle of a paragraph and you're getting somewhere porn is the last thing on your mind when you're in the second sentence of this paragraph it's already typed on your mind yeah there's nothing that will make you stop because that's basically the best feeling in the world when i could put a paragraph on paper for me

that's almost as good as killing with the first fucking joke i agree with that i agree with that let me ask you something did you watch the emmy's last night i watched back and forth i watched uh i saw when matt daemon and liberace would give somebody an award that's it that's all i saw why what happened with the emmy's no no i don't fucking why i i i i don't get why like i i guess i get why people watch the emmy's but for me i'll i'm gonna watch the emmy's when somebody i know is gonna win an emmy but other than that i i got no interest in it i got no interest in it at fucking all but and i feel like i think and i keep thinking i'm the only person in this business who doesn't care i don't care joe dears i don't fucking care the

steelers and the bears were on i knew the bears were gonna cover i mean i did not care at all at all let me ask you something i don't know what any of those do what happens the day that mean you have to go to one of those events well then i know there's gonna be a day when i'm gonna have to go to one of those emmy award things because when you put on a tuxedo and go and sit in that oh i will watch that oh i will watch oh that's gotta be fucking pain i heard those things are a nightmare because they make you get up in between let's say you need to get up you need to get up only for a commercial break then they won't put the camera over there while you get up and going outside and smoking shit like that i heard it's a fucking nightmare well then you've got to wait until

commercial break to come back in they have to wait to commercial break to come back in i heard it's a fucking nightmare and then you gotta go talk to those people who don't really give a fuck about anything about you or why you're there all they give a fuck about is god knows what i don't but that's the thing man is i don't and i think it's basically because i don't know any of those people and since i don't really know any of those people i can't root for i'm like i don't know if they're i don't give a shit do me a favor leave press up uh when marlon brando won the academy award he sent the indian to to collect his award see that's what i would do if i if they call me friday said joey you're definitely fucking winning i would get so much anxiety that i get like a crack

in hollywood on friday night give it like three g's and go look at you're going to fucking oscas all right and you're gonna remember when brody brought that homeless guy on stage at the comedy underground yes i do and then he thought it was gonna be funny and then the dude turned out he was threatening that he was gonna kill everybody let me tell you something bro it's homeless at the comedy store on sunday nights you ever go to the comedy store on sunday night one night they're going to shoot somebody up there i've always said that that's if anything's going to go down it's going to be up there on sunday night when those 200 misfits with dreams go up there joe scott scott wolf and i went down there one time when i first got to the town it was

a sunday night right we're sitting in the audience and the dude comes in and the ski mask this is true and he sits down and uh sitting there sitting there sitting there and you know a couple of comics say something to him and at one point in time he stands up with a ski mask on he's getting this deep voice and just says don't talk to me motherfucker to the comic sits back down ten minutes later he gets up and walks out yeah we look out the window doing the ski mask and getting arrested this was the first this was the very first time i moved to la so this was back when scott was on say by the bell and all that shit right um we look outside dude's getting arrested he had robbed that liquor store down the street and on the way to wherever he was going he stopped

into the comedy store to hear some jokes on a sunday night he had a bag with him and a fucking ski mask on he stopped in the comedy store to hear cold jokes before he escaped from the cops or maybe he thought he was gonna get in there and and that's where he was gonna hide but he ended up getting arrested somebody almost got shot that night and that's stupidest but the stupidest burglar of all time but that's the ski mask on but it was pretty crazy you know i went to i went to lunch a couple months ago with rudy sarzo he was on the podcast the bass player from rossie osborne he's a cuban kid and we're talking about musicians and he was saying that it's so amazing how there's a fine line between what we do and mental health like a lot of these people ain't fucking right

and a lot of those comics at the comedy store on sunday nights they ain't fucking right now but i went to an audition last week i went to an audition for that brooklyn nine nine and it was for a pizza guy sal and there was a guy before me josh wolf as soon as i walked into the audition i smelled something i didn't know what i smelled you ever walk into something and you smell something you're like hmm maybe that's the aura of the office or maybe somebody in here smells like dick what was this guy you ready for this this was a roll for a pizza man this guy got white pants a white t-shirt he didn't even rub tomato sauce on him he rubbed red paint on him what yes and he put a schmock on and he rubbed red paint on that and guess what he did to be

remembered for the roll guess what he fucking did in 2013 in hollywood and some agents sent this motherfucker out he ordered a pizza to the office no he rubbed garlic on his neck all over himself that's what i was smelling no so they had had him there for like 40 minutes and every time she came out she would say we're gonna see you in a minute like they were trying to get an excuse why not and it was down to him and me and they brought him in and i heard his read and you could hear both the casting lady and the other lady going that was tremendous and the guy's like okay it's garlic man and they're like okay uh we're gonna call your agent we love you thank you very much and this guy went into a 10 minute dialogue on why this is going to be great him booking his first roll

and why he rubbed the garlic on his neck and when he walked out the ladies went in with Febreze and they got me and they both looked at each other and they were like that was fucked up that was fucked up don't you wish when you walked into a casting director's office and you auditioned for something don't you wish that they told you what they really thought i always wished because they always said great job no no great job i always wish they said hey you know what that's not gonna work for us we wish you had done this because at least i would have gotten better do you know what i mean yeah but they can't but they're so chicken shit or they they they treat everybody like like children but treat me like a grown-up and tell me what i did wrong so i can

get better the next time i come in and see you but let me tell you something my friend i wouldn't tell garlic man he was doing a bad job i'm trying to get that motherfucker out of there too i'm not gonna even start a conversation with that fucking moron he tried to come out and talk to me i just looked the other way and walked in there and avoided him he was one of those people he was just one of those people what's the worst decision you ever made in audition what you thought going in this is gonna be this is a good idea i know what mine was for sure a couple years of audition for this show this had to be eight years ago called american family way before uh oh okay no that was a good decision a bad decision i went in for a role as roommate that was all fucked up like he was one

of those roommates that didn't pay randy building your couch you know so in my perverted cocaine mind i said this guy does blow maybe i'm going to the audition coked up for the night before and that's exactly what i did and the lady threw me out of the audition no i am lady of fox said to me don't even read look at the shape of you get out of here i did kind of the same thing this guy was supposed to be a loser you know a guy never got off the couch so i in my brain thought he was going to be a drinker so i had a couple pops and i went in and in sloppily ate a bag of chips as i did the audition like chips she went with my mouth open and stuff it was for a sherry or terry pilot and she was in the room and she asked me read she goes okay i just gotta ask you one question

what's with the chips why chips i was like i thought maybe he ate chips i'm like she goes maybe he does but he doesn't in his audition and i was like fair enough okay i'll see you later and that was it that was a bad idea had a couple pops eating some ruffles not a good look i had one for before american family was american family was a different show but oh modern family i'm confusing this was called american family and that was the hispanic Edward james almost right no this was a show about a white family that had moved up and then they realized they were in the wrong neighborhood and i played the neighbor and when they first move in the pilot they go outside and the neighbor doesn't have a pool but he has a Puerto Rican pool you know like a circle

pool and he's out there watering the lawn looking at the neighbors going this is a great life isn't it this to this guy this was everything so i went into this audition and all these guys are in there the guy from uh you know johnny rose beef is there the guy from splashes there the big guy all these guys are there i'm like don't i'm not gonna get this as an actor i got out with these motherfuckers as a comic so i had sweatpants on and for some reason josh wolf i wore underwear tight never wear never i wore tidy whiteies on and i had a warm-up shirt and a guinea white t-shirt and my plan was to take the shirt off that uh just the hooded switch how much did you wear the 415 throw in heat like a motherfucker armpit rolls the whole fucking deal right i take the warm-up

jacket off and i just take then i just have the wife beater on that was the initial plan but as i'm walking and i go maybe i should drop my fucking pants and make believe on water and the fucking thing and i don't know what my line was my line was like you know isn't this great listen josh will if i walk in and the two girls in the office are looking at each other like oh my god they're looking through paperwork and they go yeah yeah come right in like oh this is my chance to drop my pants i take my pants off i take my shoes off i'm sitting there with underwear and no shirt on pits are hanging gray hair i got like one long gray hair on my chest they turn around to look at me with underwear on and i have the hose in my hand like in my hand i have my hand on i go look at me

living like a doctor bitches no it went right over they booked me on site they called my agent said we we just ran into the best audition of all time the guy comes here i've done a thousand one time i went in for that stupid show how i met your mother and i had no underwear on and as i went to sit on you know when you have a little hole in your pants you always have a hole in your hand it could no not anymore it caught the armrest of the thing you don't have holes in your pants anymore no no no i'm gonna because i've known you always a hole in your pants well that was part of the fucking angle to have a hole so somebody could see your cock and suck it but now you know i can't be walking around holes in my pants i'm a

50 year old man dog i can't do that shit but i wanted to do this audition josh will when i said i went to sit down my pants ripped and my balls fell out and i looked at all three women and i go do you see the cube and egg roll and they fucking lost it quack quack quack quack quack i called the egg roll because it's on circumcised might just went and i just did not stop i just fucking went over them rolled over them so they said we love you and i left and as i'm to my car at fox i got to call from my agent love they want you to go back you forgot to read i went back you want to start the car okay i went back i went back read and got the fucking roll and then when i got to the set i was the wrong guy and if you ever watch how i met your mother

you'll see me standing there like an extra that's hilarious they pretty much hated me because they hired me because my pants my dick so what's going on with this podcast you're doing you're not doing a podcast with our buddy no more right every Tuesday night it's called off the rails with josh wolf uh we do it Tuesdays up on itunes on wednesday morning but you can also we do it in a place where we do live we stream it live so you can watch it but you can also call in so it's kind of like a radio show slash podcast so we have a good time but you're going to come do with me right october 8th october 8th you're going to sit in with me for two hours two hours from seven and nine on a tuesday night i got to uh but we um we get a little stupid

just like this one we i think we're you are my podcast is a little uh yours is very very real we keep a little lighter all right but equally stupid i'm there all right and i jakem just woke up i got taken to school i love you sending my love thank you for calling him brother absolutely anytime i would stay black all right bye let me give some shout outs for some beautiful fucking people today dan t jeff good luck in court chris monkey iris a bar water boxer profound wizard i love you motherfuckers like i said do not forget i'm only going to be at helium this friday and saturday the thursday night show has been canceled call helium and find out what they're doing with the thursday night tickets and that's it motherfuckers you know what i'm saying do you want

me to play the indian for the marlon brando yeah play the indian for the godfather this motherfucker sent an american indian update a win and a lady and she's in a full yeah she's in the full thing hello my name is sachin little feather i'm a patchy and i'm president of the national native american affirmative image committee i'm representing marlon brando this evening and he has asked me to tell you in a very long speech which i cannot share with you presently because of time but i will be glad to share with the press afterwards that he very regretfully cannot accept this very generous award and the reasons for this being are the treatment of american indians today by the film industry excuse me

marlon brando don't fuck around dog sent an indian and on television in movie reruns and also with recent happenings that wounded neath i beg at this time that i have not intruded upon this evening and that we will in the future our hearts and our understandings will meet with love and generosity thank you on behalf of marlon brando are you fucking kidding me that's how you sling dick you send the indian or now you gotta send the jew or a fucking indian and he sent the indian with the feather she's beautiful right you know what she's looking like she don't fuck this is more what's your name a little feather yeah a little feather fuck it i ain't going i'm sending a little feather out of respect oh they should have bought her a little

that's respect they don't give a fuck that's marlon bro you gotta fuck these people gonna fuck with you so you gotta fuck with them too before they fuck with you and they know you ain't fucking around no more you know you learn something new every fucking monday here in the church of what's happened now and let me tell you something else you see you're looking at me going show you're looking fucking good today you know why because i'm using that butter from shaveclub.com i'm telling you right now you guys are slipping for a dollar a month you get four raises two blades right for six dollars a month you get four raises three blades with a fucking aloe vera strip to give you moisturizer for the nine bucks a month which is how much are you my friend fucking 108 yeah don't

fucking me no i'm gonna fucking roll absolutely you get the shave kit the four raises you get the handle it'll make me break in the head was like as as heavy as a new chuck so somebody fucks you can hit them in the fucking head with that razor and you get the ass wipes one wipe charlie wiped one wipe charlie's flavored peppermint so she likes the rim job your asshole tastes like peppermint let me tell you something too and if you have a hemorrhoid it works the other way it'll sting the fuck out of that memory and uh and you get the cocoa butter it's not like shaving cream you put it on the shower and it cleans on i'll tell you what man i don't have to shave for like four fucking weeks i'll be on papillon i'll be looking smoother than motherfucking like i told

you earlier go to hulu plus if you're not getting the 799 a month from hulu plus you're fucking slipping go to the box on hulu plus and press what joey joey j o e y get two weeks for free i'm the fucking arm so you see what it's all about so what give them the credit card you don't want to commitment from you too just tell them no and that's it it's over they don't need just 799 a month these guys are fucking making millions more show movies they got little chinese boys in Bangkok jumping up and down the shower who gives a fuck yeah and for dolly tape could be pressed in uh church church church and then at hulu plus joey and they have like the the awesomes with uh seth mires and they have moon boy with chris ho dowd that the shows are doing themselves

that's right they have fucking automatic or they're programming right there and you're wasting your time deciding so you get the fucking deal for eight bucks and then you get hbo like leasingly get to that i don't embarrass me for 999 i'm gonna get the hbo i think i'm gonna get that tv for my bedroom so that's what you need and you get the hbo and your bedroom your wife comes over you can rub her toes you can feed a little fucking burritos who's better than you you're both on the bed laying naked not out here in this fucking couch or your feet up i went in there you're fucking had peanuts all over your thing like a slot you're killing me though i'm on one of my couch on a tv straight from last night you're gonna be a pimp you're gonna be a pimp yeah she wasn't here when i had that out

despicable i got some peanuts how the fuck do you want to put peanuts in the juicer too no you want to smoke some more pot stab in the neck you want a goomy bad no i do not right now why not right now because i have to go to why have to be at work in two hours so you'll be perfect no i won't you'll be brand new you'll be like wake up to make up you know what i'm saying all right it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive you got to shout out another thing i worked out three days in a row i didn't work out because you know i wanted to i'm 50 fucking years old my joints hurt my back hurts you know i can't be jumping around with you and i rolled two of those fucking days you know why shuntek shuntek sport you take three of those an hour before you fucking work out and i'll tell

you what man you'll last a lot longer yesterday i had a hard time breathing but after i caught on i rolled you know i got my ass kicked but i fucking rolled they held my fucking sleeves i didn't know how to get out of it they were killing me yesterday some kids from different school came by from northridge uh and they were great span two spanish kids are fucking amazing this argentinian kid was amazing but anyway go to fucking honet dot com see what new stuff they had i went to lunch with arby the other day they're gonna release vanilla hemp force that's right you heard it here vanilla hemp force you think the fucking chocolate's good wait till you taste the vanilla he said it took him like a year to get the right fucking vanilla so there you have it arby's out

there fucking busting his ass for you guys go to honet get the shuntek sport if you're having a hard time fucking breathing get the alpha brain if you're having a hard time thinking if you can't make a fucking decision should i suck a dick or should i eat her ass get the fucking honet you know what i'm saying what the fuck wait don't be making faces at me cock sucker go to honet and press what papa church church c h r c h u r c h see i haven't had my alpha brain yet just might have blood pressure medication but you motherfuckers know what i'm talking about i love you guys and the butt of my heart i'm happy to hear on monday mornings to rock out with us i want to thank josh wolf for calling don't forget tuesdays he's on the

whatever network the anttoad network whatever the fuck is pod toad whatever toad hop i'm sorry network see my man josh wolf we always got some good stories for you i'm gonna be on on the and that's it i'm real sorry portland i'm gonna be taping the tv showing you guys will be seeing me going that's my fucking dog we smoke dope together but you're still there friday and still there friday and sat i'm gonna give you the best i fucking got you know what i'm saying we ain't fucking around no more have a great day uh web is up there looking out for you fucking light a candle let the fucking universe know you'll love it today that's the only way to love you back if you tell the universe i fucking love you cocksuckers let's do this let's do it

what's up baby nothing now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial for the show is over you did do that yeah all right then the show is over is it not sure you're the boss i'm too high to be messed with like i ain't messing with you i'm happy you guys came out today to watch man thank you very much nothing as joy packs up now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to hulu plus dot com slash joey or just go to dot com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the banner uh and don't forget to sign up for your free trial

don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club dot com a dollar six dollars and nine dollars stop being a cheap fuck look after your face i'm an ugly fuck and i shave every fucking day nice you got great fucking razor i'm telling you right now i wouldn't have it on the podcast if they want great solid fucking razors do yourself a favor today for one dollar six dollars six dollars nine dollars are you kidding me you sl- and the six dollar one you can shave her pussy with who's better than fucking you go out there sign up right now what's the code word joey go to uh dollar shave club dot com forward slash church and that's it who's better than fucking you who's better than fucking me hit them with some music what do you got hit them oh have a great day today don't let nobody tell

you can't do dick if you want to do it you could do it get out there put that dick in your fucking hand and say i'm here and i'm committing you bad motherfuckers what fake niggas don't make it back fake niggas don't make it back sleeping is the cousin to death bullet holes left in my peak holes i'm suited up with street clothes hammy and nine and out the beat flows y'all know my steelo with or without the airplay i keep some e and j sit and pin up in the stairway or either on the corner batting brands with the silo chimps laughing at base heads trying to sell some broken amps g-packs get off quick forever niggas talk shit reminiscent about the last time the task force fled niggas be running through the block shooting

time to start the revolution catch your body and for you still must have caught us off guard the mac 10 was in the grass and i ran like a cheetah with lots of men assassin picked the mac up two brothers back up the max spit lab was hitting niggas one ran i made a backflip heard a few checks scream my arms shook couldn't look gave another squeeze heard it click yo my shit is stuck try to cock it it wouldn't shoot now i'm in danger finally pulled it back and saw three bullets caught up in the chamber so now i'm jetting to the building lobby and it was full of children probably couldn't see as high as i'd be like the game ain't the same that younger niggas pulling the triggers bringing fame to the name and claim some corners cruise without guns and corners

and broad daylight stick up kids they run up on us for fives and ages max is back same niggas to catch you