Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/24/2012 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #10

Episode Date: September 26, 2012

Joey and Lee talk about living life to the fullest, what it was like robbing gas stations, and why he cant go back to Seattle. Joey's friend since summer school, George, calls in. Streamed Live on 09/24/2012

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody is twice as smart as I You're always in a good mood in the morning What fucking mood can you be in the morning? If you're gonna hit the lottery today When I wake up on a fucking Monday When I wake up any morning I always think today is the fucking day

Either a meteor's gonna fucking hit me from Mars One of those Joe Rogan meteors Or today's gonna be the best day of my life And I bank it's gonna be the best day Whatever the fuck you know You're alive You're not in fucking Africa eating a fly off Your fucking face

You're here You got white people around You're black people Puerto Ricans Some Chinese You're gonna come through You eat It's fucking beautiful

How could you fucking lose, man? I love starting the week off It's great You're back to zero You don't know what you're fucking at It's anything can happen daily It is great Now, is it different for you as a comedian

Because you work during the weekend? Like for me Working on a five-day weekend Having those two days off Like I feel great now Sure you feel fucking great But any day When you wake up in the morning

You're working, right? Yeah What fucking five days a week You're working You got both your fucking legs You got your eyes What the fuck do we have to be sad about Or mad about

I see people sometimes How are you so happy in the morning What the fuck? You hit that fucking pipe You put on black Sabbath And you take your fucking chances You go for broke that day You get up

You put your fucking chair in the mouth of the lion And you say, suck my dick, cock-sucker We're here That's an interesting way to think about it I mean, it's not interesting It's the way you should think about it But that's what the fuck else people get down Really easily

What the fuck for? No, I understand this depression You know, we had Brody on last week Brody goes to hard things This kid's got the world by the fucking balls Depression is a disease You know, it's a It's not even depression

It's, I mean, it's just people get sad And then, oh, they didn't get the promotion Or they didn't have They don't have the card It's not even promotion It's a bunch of fucking things that hit at once But it's a chemical imbalance And he's scared of the world

And you get insecure But you know what? Fucking nobody's more insecure than I am Nobody in the fucking world I just close my eyes and say, fuck it I hate needles I hate fucking needles I gotta go to Dr. Wednesday and get a blood test

I get my iPod, I put it on, I walk in And I look the other way Like I'm getting fucking raped to some shit And that's it I just, you know What are you gonna fucking do? Well, that's what this podcast's about I mean, it's a good

You've been through a lot of shit That most people haven't ever had Everybody goes through shit They just dwell on it You just gotta get up and fuck That's it You broke your leg Your uncle died

You know, your sister's got a missing fucking eyeball That's great But you still gotta go to fucking a supermarket And pay for bills You still gotta move on with your life And I understand You know, last night I got a call about a friend of mine A good dear friend that I grew up with

I mean, since fucking the fifth grade This girl And the mother was kind of who bought She left when the girl was 12 And the girl was on her own I mean, this girl is the fucking male Joey Diaz Okay You know, I knew her

And then we reconnected over the years And she came to the Longish Yard premiere with me I mean, just great girl And her father died three years ago She had been divorced twice And she went home And it was her and her father And it's been her and her father's day fucking one

And the father died three years ago And about a year and a half ago We got into an argument on the phone I could see that she was a little off, you know But I prayed I put it in God's hand And I got a call from a different friend of mine last night Saying that she's on pills

What the fuck? I should give her a call I was like, you know what? What can I do? I'm out here That's number one Number two, it took her 40 something years to snap She should have snapped, you know, when she was 18

But she didn't This girl could have done a thousand things She could have done colonos She could have stripped She could have sucked dick for a nickel behind a fly house She could have done a thousand fucking things This girl kept her fucking ladyhood She kept her who she was

I mean, I don't know A lot of guys would slap her and shit You know, yeah, there was issues There's always gonna be issues We all have fucking issues But it's how you deal with them But this chick, once your dad died Like she lost her basic beliefs

Yeah, you know But she started drinking And she started drinking again And snorting blow And, you know, it was real interesting to see That when my mother died I fell apart, you know But I fell apart at fucking 15

Yeah I see people now I see how they react to death Death is very hard Death is one of our... Death, divorce, it's fucking hard It affects different people You know, some people suck it up

And get back on the horse But that's easy to fucking say Yeah It took me, you know, six years To get back on the horse I lived in this fantasy land for five years That this was gonna happen And that was gonna happen

I'm like anybody else, bro I have dreams We all have fucking dreams, you know And it's funny, I snapped out of it And it's really funny Because I started my little Victim shit in 80 Once my mother died

And before my mother died I used to go to summer school, you know I was half retarded So one year I had to go to summer school For economics and something else And I met this cat, George And he was from Cliffside And we became friends

And it's funny I bumped into him again in 85 And he took me into his home And at that point in my life I was getting my things to me I started realizing that You know, I had to fucking sit Or get on the fucking ball

Sit on the ball or shit Whatever that expression is You know, because you mind fuck yourself sometimes Then one day you gotta put the gun to your own head And go, this is the move I gotta make And I remember living with him And I used to rob gas station I used to get a job

I used to, I would get And I wouldn't rob him with a gun I would sign up as an employer Like I want to work I'd take a graveyard shift And I'd get on there at 11.30 And they'd tell you Every thousand that you get dropped

First of all, I would go to a gas station area That was close to the bridge The George Washington bridge So it was traffic And what you do is When they come in and buy $30 worth of gas And those days it was $18 filled up Your fucking tank

It's not now, it's 60 or 70, 80 What you do is You fucking just take the money Instead of putting in the register And they say that once you get to every thousand Jersey and Oregon, they're the only two states Where they pump the gas for you So we would pump the gas

And they'd give us the money Directly there was no register in those days You were outside slinging fucking gasoline Like Mel Gibson You know what I'm saying? You were out there slinging it So you just pocketed the money And when you had a thousand bucks, you drop it

You wrote a receipt at what time you dropped And you put it in this hole And you keep your bank Your bank was like 50 bucks What I would do is put it down They wouldn't check the bank for the next day So they'd manage and ask them Did you drop?

And I would show them my money I would show them the original money But I would take the thousand and 1200 Put an envelope and put it in my back pocket Once I got four or five of those envelopes I'd have a fucking getaway drive I'd tell them I needed to go to the bathroom Get in the car, boom

Back into the city, pick up a bag of dope Throw away the gasoline Sure I had fucking on with Mel on it So they didn't do any like Because now they can never work No But they would just say Hey I'm here to work

And they'd say Yeah, first of all You get a shift that nobody fucking wants Which is the midnight shift When you come in and go Hey I like to work the midnight shift I'm a student Really?

No shit, you just helped us Because nobody wants that fucking debt People want to get shot on that shift So right away I take them off that guard I'm in 60% because I want the hardest shift I didn't have earrings I didn't have tattoos You know what I'm saying

I didn't look like I was doing speed at the fucking time So they'd give me the job They wouldn't check a background Checking if they did I had a backing I had a fucking friend Lululu lubes That worked at Hess

So anybody that they would fire for theft He would give me their name So I'd apply under the person's name So there was always a motherfucking If they called back Lubes would say to whoever Yeah he got fired for theft They got nowhere to go

You see what I'm saying dog? So they think it's like Like a guy doing it So I did about 19 to 20 of them And I would tell my friends to pick me up But I wouldn't tell them I was robbing the gas station I'd just say I'm making a drug deal

Pick me up down the corner They'd pull up I'd hear the fucking car I'd say sit still I'm doing a drug deal Boom ten minutes later I'd get in the car I'd go step on it

And I used to do it with people Or without people Like one time at Lombardi Fucking gas station Like it's like out there Towards Sequel August I did a gas station out there And it started raining

I mean the fucking sky came down When I went to do the job They put me on the afternoons To train But this place was huge They were getting ten cars The fucking Oh I know those

One of those gas station things It's the last one On the turnpike And you get on the bridge On the other side Because Lubes worked out on the side Where the Union City Tunnel was There there's a S

This is on the other fucking side Of Fort Lee So I would fucking One day it starts raining I got like three G's on me These are one of the last ones I pulled I couldn't find nobody to drive me that day Okay

So I started fucking running Right I see these fucking buses They pull up there Because it's called What is that when you park your car Parking right Okay yeah

They pulled up with their fucking cars They pulled up with their buses I get in the bus And also I see the cops Start looking for me I see a bunch of cop cars Looking for me And I'm in the back of the bus drenched

With like fucking three G's on me I'm just drenched I'm like what the fuck What am I gonna do I'm like hurry up Because what those do is They see these buses They'll stop the buses

Oh shit Have you seen this kid Fucking bus took off Now I gotta be scared When I land in Port Authority That they're gonna be waiting For me there Okay

When I got to Port Authority There was no fucking cops I just got out of the car But I think the last one I did Was because they fingerprinted me Okay They fingerprinted me There must have been more

Than people doing it than you No I was the fucking inventor I was It wasn't like My friends with fact bagging That were going down there And everybody was

So you were the Thomas Edison above Yeah This was the time This was a unique scam There was really no theft Yeah There was really no gun involved There was no note

There was not, you know Robbing a gas station with a mask on And a fucking, you know With a thing behind you And a son of 11 They know how tall you are There was none of that shit You know what I'm saying

You just This is a different angle Okay And there was always a coverage You know And it's funny I laugh about this 30 years later But when George calls

In a couple of minutes This is how I remember The most important time we had was One time he picked me up And went out to this club Into the city He'll tell you

And the people from the Eurythmics were there The chick Okay And the fucking guy Big fucking deal You know what I'm saying You and George

You started talking About how you guys Met and got together When we Started the documentary He told a story About how He was

You were walking by And he was doing Yeah He was moaning along In Fort Lee, New Jersey And he said Oh, let's get together And talk

And you got arrested For fucking I lived in Tena Fly, New Jersey Right Okay And I moved into A lady rented

Rooms to tenants So this is when I was living with Mr. T Okay Mr. T found out That I robbed the fucking Liquor store So he's like

Don't come back Do you have a Cadillac? Right So I get this I Answered room for rent Okay In Tena Fly, New Jersey

Up the block That poor lady Doesn't know what she's doing And it was me And another Cuban dude She had like And all you were allowed To do was open the door

And go to your room You weren't allowed To use the kitchen You weren't allowed To use the garage So basically You know how you come into my house She had these three bedrooms

And we had a Cuban guy Me and some other guy Okay And you were allowed To use the shower My bedroom had a shower So I never had to leave My bedroom

It was perfect I paid the extra 150 It was like the master bedroom Or something like that Yeah So I take the fucking bedroom And she goes You're not allowed

To go downstairs All right I don't need to go downstairs Okay She's got a son And the son comes over to me What's happening How you doing

Thanks for my mom Says you're taking garbage I'm doing extra things Because she was an old lady I was just helping around the house Yeah So I became friends with the son The son didn't live there

He lived You know He was like a college kid I was probably 20 He was probably 22 He was a college kid At NYU or whatever But he was making moves

This kid fucking Said to me You want to get high Yeah We went into the city Got some coke Got some reefer And he would come over

For a couple of days I was a bartender In the Sheridan Center So he would come over Like at one And we'd do our thing And I'd stay in the city Okay

The fucking craziest thing One day He picks me up Right up I'm hanging out This is like the fucking good This is when I had to kiss a debt on me Everything I did

Turned to shit Because we have that Alone You know that you have it So one fucking day He picks me up What do you want to do No

Let's go into the city We go into the city But today was a different day He said to me Dog A ring Or a bracelet From a crack guy

Okay Which in those days Was very big already Crack was starting to take over So you'd be fucking walking And some guy come up to you sweating With a knife in his fucking neck Hey man

You want to buy this chain For 50 bucks And you'd say Oh I got this 13 He'd take the 13 Yeah of course And you'd get an 18 carat gold Beautiful fucking chain

It was amazing Just amazing Crack had turned You know sales So is that what that is Because it's like walking Growing up in Boston There's those people

Just walking around And the gold chains They paint them gold And then three days later They're voicing Your neck turns Fucking weird color Your neck turns green

Be careful And you don't have your gold Kid on you So you always want to keep the Price of gold low You always tell me I got eight bucks What do you got to lose

Eight bucks That's what you spend On fucking shit every day You give it to the girls To buy that So I buy this I go to him What do you offer

Because I knew all the jewelry Chains In that neighborhood You were jewelry master By that point I knew exactly Where they melted it Without doing paperwork

Or an ID Yeah I say to him Weird What do you want for it And he goes I don't know 50, 60 bucks

I give him the 50, 60 bucks Out of my pocket And make up some story How I can't go right now Because I got to go to work I figured My greedy mind That was going to get 80

Even if I made 20 bucks In those days It was perfect on an angle I was going to get a bag Of weed with it Yeah So two days later I take the fucking jewelry

Into some place in New York On a rush And the guy asks me For fucking ID Oh, Jesus And I go Are you serious I knew that the kid had bought

Us from the crack hole Whatever the fuck So I go What the fuck Here's the ID The guy gave me like Buck 20 to sell it I was going to make like

60 bucks or something Sweet Next thing you know Two days fucking later They're knocking on my God damn door Jesus Some police

There was a hot Chain from Jersey Of course He didn't fucking Tell me this Like he stole it From his roommate's mother Yeah

He was hot Possession of stolen property And it would intent to sell It was like an expensive bracelet They gave me like 120 And the 85 Or something like that But

He turned it all on me Of course Like when the cops Went to his mother's house I was like No, I got the jewelry from I bought it And they go

Well, you sold it So what's yours When I went to him for help He was like Fuck you And the mother threw me out So that night George not only bailed me out

But that's not I ended up moving in with him George would tell About the fucking stories That happened there But it's amazing But I want to mention something Today is a big holiday in Cuba

Today is one of the biggest ones Okay It's the 8th of September And the 24th of September And then it's like October something And then it's December 4th

And December 17th And those are big So I want to Give a shout out To my Cubans They're probably listening To the podcast With an antenna right now

On top of a house With fucking straws And some guys Gotta spin a fucking Metal rod It's a national God holiday Okay

It's a patron saint in Cuba About a lot By Mercedes So I want to give a shout out To anybody who's got That shit going on Oh shit Yeah

And then Your Jewish path Tomorrow's Yom Kippur Tomorrow's Yom Kippur So what are you doing In the month of Yom Kippur I'm working I'm doing what the Jews do

You're not busting up the Yom Not doing anything I do have to get a Yom Kippur You gotta bust up the Yom Kippur Put a fur on it Shit You know what I'm saying Walking to work with a fur on it

Fuck it It's Yom Kippur bitch So it's your new year tomorrow Correct Yeah It's the The last week There was a rush to China

And this Yom Kippur It's like a week Of Saying you're sorry For things that you did Over the past year And it's similar To Catholic in a way

Because We only do it once a year But If we say sorry And we ask for forgiveness We're supposed to be Like absolved of all Second chances

What did you forgive yourself for For banging that hook on Boston You still haven't eaten No black ass have you No For fighting For fighting in that Hooker's face

You didn't fart No hooker's face You gotta give her the X of 20 And go look at Let me explain something I wanna fuck you What's the negotiation At the end

You gotta throw the By the way I wanna fart in your face I'm surprised you even asked I'm surprised you just don't Throw an X of 20 at the end Nah You gotta say it

You want them to inhale the fart You don't want them to Put the fart like sideways And shit You want them to sit there And expect that I mean they take come shots In your face

Went on a fart shot That's true I can't believe we're talking About this shit What's wrong with you You gotta take down the I'm fucked I know it's you

I'm Kapola But you're killing me Cause you fucking Jews Love those black chicks Oh you fucking Jews Anything but a Jew chick Your motherfuckers Will tear up a Puerto Rican

You'll lose the will Your father Fuck the will I'm eating that black Fucking yank Until fucking coconuts fall out You know what I'm saying Oh Jesus

No that's another thing I've asked for forgiveness For laughing at that Why not Come on Come on dog All you fucking little filthy Jews The fucking little filthy frees

You love stabbing And putting yarmulkes Of bitches assholes And shit to you You're a fucking chick with your yarmulke On top of the truth No Just ball's ass nigga

A little yarmulke on Fuck it Sling a dick like a Jew Fuck it Oh that's another T-shirt Sling a dick like a Jew Sling a dick like a Jew I would get my uncircumcised

Cock And put like a gold band on it Always Jewish with a fucking yarmulke With a big gold dick coming out of my head When I'm slinging dick like that You ever see Kentucky Fried movie? No Kentucky Fried movie and the group tube

See you're too young for this shit With two fucking movies that were like comedy You had like CTV guys Like Steve Martin was in it Okay Chevy Chase was in group tube And it's just a bunch of parodies And there's one parody in that group tube

Of Kentucky Fried movie when they're in the court And they're really doing a trial And the attorney gets up and grabs a dick And puts it in his head And he's like we are from another planet And he starts doing all this dumb shit When you're 13 and you smoke a joint between 8 people You giggle like fucking fuck

I'm giggling now When you turn it back on now as an adult You're like what the fuck was I thinking Now I was retarded I must be put back on and get a fucking skateboard With a gal in the water And skate down the fucking street Like the rest of these momos

Oh jeez boys Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What else? We got Georgie calling up in a couple minutes We got the Cuban holiday You're fucking New England Patriots Those cock suckers fell apart But I gotta tell you something

The New England secondary They were stuck The fucking Baltimore secondary Were sticking Oh well they were both bad last night And it's not about Not stinking Sticking

I've seen him hit two fucking guys I don't know if you've seen it There was one scene Where fucking The quarterback who I love New England was down They took him down in the third quarter And when he woke up

He had like six black guys around him And that's what I thought of The difference Fuckin' night of a thousand niggas Right there Cause it was triple banging them And that fucking Ray Lewis He's just scary

Just knowing he's on the field If I'm running the ball I might not come back With a little stab wound in my fucking back Like if you play You gotta wear the rib guards Cause he'll fucking stab me You know what I'm saying

But he's been doing it for like 15, 16 years He's tough He's fucking tough But they were tough last night I mean, I don't even know What the final score was Which they went over I didn't watch the game

I just kept going back and forth I called you We ate banana bread Let me tell you what happened Fuckin' Lee You know, I go to Fuckin' Lee I go to Divine Wellness

Again, bang them Deliver the chocolate Fuck bang those cocksucklers But I ended up getting this other shit They had when I got a piece Of pumpkin bread Double-dose pumpkin bread So I went to meet Leo

At the police's house We were looking at some shit Over there And the next thing, you know I eat the fucking brownie But I get over there And I start eating the pumpkin bread And Lee's walking around

But he sees the pumpkin bread He starts sweating If he had a yamakane It would have fell off From the fucking humidity From the sweat on his fucking eyebrow And shit And he, uh

I gave him a piece the whole time He's like, I can't I can't drive home I give him the fucking piece He eats it He's giggling after that Like a little fucking third-year-old Giggling back and forth

So I call him up later on When I get home Lee, did you get home all right? And he says to me I'm just sitting here My body's tingling I go, well, fuck it The tingles will last

Once you see the pink pirate Keep flying by The tingles go away And he's like, no, stop But I call him back in I didn't give him enough He wouldn't eat it He should have seen it

When he was eating it Like it was sperm He had that look on his face Like, oh, this is terrible It was 5 o'clock on a Sunday That's right So you're high by 7 And you're in bed by 10

Who's better than your uncle fucking Joey? And you're up here at 5.30 Fucking doing a podcast Who's better than you, cockle Jesus But no, for people who have problems sleeping That stuff really does work It's amazing

I felt sleeping It felt great The trick is, like, that amount was perfect for me Like, you've given me the bank chocolate before And I've been sitting in a chair Sweating for eight hours That was a good amount I think that the main reason why I smoke pot

If anybody, seriously, or jokes aside The main reason why I like it Because it was for the sleep factor I've always been a fucking insomniac I was telling Duncan over the weekend We were in Milwaukee there for years I would go to Washington Square Park on Sundays That was my ritual

I lived on the East Coast And I'd buy eight, ten million grand valiants For ten bucks Okay And I'd eat one every night With a glass of amaretto and milk When I was trying to get my life together On nights that didn't go out

I would do one of those And by six o'clock by 9.30 I'm out cold, I'm drooling I like that feeling But with valiants, you wake up the next morning You're all fucking hungover I don't like that feeling Yeah

So with edibles, you will If you consume fucking a half a loaf of banana bread You will wake up hungover for a fucking week No, yeah, I don't From the little bit I had I heard the Yoshi story A couple of weeks ago On a different podcast

The amount he had He must have No, he had a slice He had a slice put together But Yoshi also weighs about 60 He doesn't smoke weed Yeah At least you get high

From time to time We give you an edible We break it down But listen, man There's a lot of people Who misuse marijuana or whatever I was wondering I don't fucking know

I will tell you the awesome facts I'm not gonna sit here And tell you Betsy Ross and the flag And everything, all that shit Because that's not my fucking style But if you have insomnia And I tell you all the time When you get home from a job

Let's say you work nights When you get home, you're fucking wide I don't know if I crack a joke And I get on stage at 10.30 At 11.30, my mind is running It's like doing 15 fucking ounce of brains And putting a stick of meth up your asshole I'm on fire like Madonna in 84

But when I get home You know, usually I unwind a little bit I take two hits off a fucking number And you sit on the couch And I tell you, 30, 35 minutes in You relax And that's the whole thing about it You know, for years we were talking

You ever see, watch old TV You walk into somebody's house What are they doing, old TV They turn around, they make a drink Fucking take ice cubes off the rack They put them in their hand You would drink That's how people relax, you know

Everybody has a different way of relaxing Some women go home to drink a glass of wine Take a bubble bath Whatever the fuck it is, you know For me, it's coming home And I read I read some completely different No comedy, no nothing

Some completely fucking different One of these fucking dumb books I have here I read a chapter of I read the last night I read the Mike Dolce Living Lean book Which is a fucking great book, guys If you're trying to get healthy And you don't have the Mike Dolce Living Lean book

Listen, I don't eat the fucking recipes He's gotten there, a lot of them Like I like the turkey spaghetti I love the fucking chili The breakfast bowl I tried for the first time I love this fucking tuna This chicken salad You put avocado, it's the mayonnaise

I love that shit, yeah When we break, it's delicious But like the cow shakes and all that shit I can't I'm not a big fucking green guy I like lettuce, tomato, onions A little, you know That's it, lettuce, tomato, onion

Anything else? A little bit of avocado Yeah, avocado Cubans make a nice avocado salad They put avocado nice They cut up because Cuban fucking avocados are big They look like my fucking head

When you go to Miami, they're big Out here, these little fucking You know, little fucking They eat avocados and shit They got HIV there All fucking shit The fucking big avocados In fucking New York and Miami

And you slice those And you put onions on them Raw onions And you put little fucking Vinegar and oil with some pepper You chop that motherfucker up With your rice and beans And your fried bananas

Stop it, bitches Eating like a doctor Rice and beans is as good As it fucking gets That's why these Mexicans Jump up and fucking down all day They got energy They mow lawns

Because they eat carbs right in the morning You get a nice little plate Of rice and beans Well, I lived in Boulder It was a place called the Harvest It was an all-natural restaurant They used to have a Swiss granola For breakfast that would

Make your ass whole tingle It was like frozen vanilla yogurt With fucking granola And then fruit They give you bananas, cherries Strawberry fucking deliciously And they give you whole wheat toast With just churned butter

And they get the harvest blend tea It was cinnamon-y But they had speed in it The same speed they give Those fucking yahoos On breaking bad, right? And the next thing you fucking know They canceled the fucking tea in Boulder

And people wrote a petition But this place was like A strictly vegan place Where people had armpits now When you walk in Their feet fucking stunk From the veganists Or whatever the fuck it is

We got a call coming in Oh shit, let's do this What's up, buddy? Yo Yo, who's this? This is my brother, little Georgie The Framer George the Framer

What's up, baby? You sound fucking delicious When I called you before You suddenly got in the head With 20 fucking hammers What happened last night? I'm a little raw, bro Little raw, like cigarette

Did you go out and get down Last night? Yeah, it was beautiful Beautiful night to clubhouse I'm telling you, you're fucking When George put his white shoes on Nobody could deal with him You understand me?

Nobody, not even Sinatra Could suck his dick George, we're just talking About how long I've known you Since 1980, summer school That's 32 fucking years You used to have the little freaky girl From, we'd smoke pot before summer school

I think that when I met you What was it, sophomore year, freshman year Before that I think someone sent you to attack me Because I was selling those pink joints With two seeds and a stem Oh, man, but they went for a dollar That was such a lucrative business

In the early 80s You just sold joints Okay People sold joints For a dollar, right? A dollar You bought a fucking bag of weed For 25 bucks or half ounce

If you wrote 35 fucking joints You made 10 bucks So, you know, you got to smoke a couple joints And you made a couple bucks in high school They were all intrepid news You know what I'm saying? I was from North Bergen George is from Cliffside

And we, uh... I was telling the story When you bailed me out I went to your house that night That was like six months of fucking Pandemonium at your house after that Where's your grandmother? Is she sleeping that dirty animal?

She's not, she's sleeping right now She's rubbing her feet and shit And she's mumbling something That's what I understand That's what she said George, what about when we went And you drove me to Robb, that dude's house And he had a ball of Don Parignon in the house

And we went back That was the fact that was great The first one was my roommate That means you pat my roommate When you first came in Right, but not at the house I remember you didn't like him You didn't like him for some reason

He was his comeback So you showed me where he had his... He was a big time fucking Prima Donna from Middle New Jersey He listened to Springsteen He could suck my dick I remember he had curly hair And he thought he was fucking like God's gift

And we lit that motherfucker up I think he was the original Harvey Jiu Yeah, he was the original Harvey Jiu That was his name I can't believe I robbed a Jiu But what are they gonna do sometimes Sometimes they get cocky I robbed his car stereo in a box

And he had a... Let me tell you how straight my... He had a tax return check And in those days I had that kind of juice In those days I could cash any fucking check For a percentage You know, they have check cash now

Those stores I could cash any check for a fucking percentage We went, we banged out That was our first fucking We split a hundred a piece And we may believe we're listening To the stereo together or some shit Then you drove me down to that fucking scum

Alpine stereo An Alpine stereo But then you drove me to that scumbag's house I used to work construction for this guy And he would take advantage of me Like fucking wouldn't pay me for windshield time Like he said meet me at 8.30 I met him at 8.30

Even though he talked till 10 He wouldn't pay me for the first hour and a half Oh shit Real fucking scumbag I forget what his name was Remember he had those shirts, George? He used to make me wear like a construction shirt I don't even remember his name

But you know what? I do the same thing when I hire people now I just call this scumbag J-F-L construction Fuck you either No, I let them drink you're drinking coffee I can't pay So I went to his house from there

Broken through the fucking back door I took a check And I took fucking Some cash he had But he had a ball of Dom Perignon And we took a magnum A magnum of Dom Perignon Which in those days was like a buck 30

Okay And we took him to his grandma's house Me, him and his grandma drank the fucking thing Like soldiers And then we went to Piccolissimo For lobster fraud diablo And then we had a great time with grandma But yesterday I was thinking about the greatest

Grandma was still talking about that Fuck yeah 30 years later But the greatest high-style I don't know what you're saying I can't understand But I know she looks she had a good time One afternoon I'm living with George In 94

When I opened my comic I'm selling cars in the city I'm selling child support home I'm trying to snorkel Me and George are fucking Living in the back room of his grandmother's Like two bums on the fucking fifth I would depend on George

George would depend on me George was doing his thing in those days And I was doing mine So one day George was fucking napping And I see the lady upstairs There's a barbecue in the backyard with her kids I said she gotta leave the door open I go upstairs

I open the door And right there there's a purse With like a fucking envelope sticking out I take the envelope up And I go downstairs I open it's 800 bucks or something I take it I hide it downstairs in the basement

Because I know she's gonna find out Meanwhile George is sleeping Right She goes upstairs Realizes the thing is missing Calls the cops And they blame it on George And I'm sitting there

Sitting there watching TV Making believe I don't know fucking nothing George is like you I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Stuttering, mumbling And fucking George knew I George knew I clipped it

He fucking knew I was evil But he's a soldier He could have gave me up But he gave him nothing And he told me nothing Tell him George Bullshit You denied it until like two years ago

Wouldn't talk it apart I had a job I'm like I don't know what happened I was sleeping My grandmother My mother I swear I never left the couch I was like look at the edge

Staying on the fucking This is for the sweat She never left Yeah that way I think I mean I think she became Sad of Taylor and the something I think she ran for fucking Congress That lady was a dirty fucking bitch

She was ugly She was a filthy fuck And you had the chicken on the third floor I robbed the credit cards With the big tits And I asked her to come on her titties one day She nearly fucking had a heart attack She caught me on the tail end

Of an all night fucking coke binge And I asked her So listen dog You had to miss her You got to show me those fucking titties Who were outside She just looked at me And turned red

Her boyfriend was the landlord You know what's what I'm talking about right No In 85 She lived on the third floor She was a young girl With big tits She used to talk to your grandma all the time

Kinda not a nice face But I don't know She didn't have a nice nice face But the body was banging Big juicy fucking titties Like the ones the chick had I don't know what her fucking name was They clicked up like six credit cards

I kept using them and putting them back I remember you asked me about it George You asked me about it years later I got the wedding You're like dog Were you taking the credit cards Like that girl's apartment I'm like fuck no

I don't even know what you're talking about So you were taking the credit cards And I was taking those titties And I was like 12 feet And I'd be knocking on the door She had a desk I'm just there She had a desk

And she had a desk And she had a desk And she had a desk And she had a desk She had a desk I'm just there She locked me in Her and her boyfriend had a desk

Upstairs I would break in, take the card Go use it and put it back In the fucking desk Oh Jesus Christ They couldn't figure out They couldn't figure out How I was doing it

I was going on Anderson Avenue And eating lunch at Willow U Shanghai Palace Are you getting those lobster egg rolls Or whatever No that was Billy Hungs In the fucking city This is Willow U

Shanghai Palace And close side Not fucking bad But George and I Even went George tell them about Colorado What happened in Colorado Oh fuck

Well Colorado We went I planned this big trip I was working at some frame place And I'm on a big trip I'm going to Is it called going Aston A snow mass

And then for an hour I was going to Scottsdale, Arizona To see a girl I used to be in high school So I go out to Colorado Susie picks me up Big rock

We drive this long How far was the airport To the airport It was like an hour And nothing going through the The farmland I remember looking at Seeing cows for like the first time

Stone to the hill We're not those big dogs Now you visit me You visit me in Aspen And then you visit me in Boulder Well Boulder I moved to But this was my first thing So he's house living in this

Huge house And he has this little carriage house That he's supposed to live in But of course he's living in the big house Five bedrooms Jacuzzi's It puts me in this room It's like whole glass

You got to view the Rocky Mountains I was smoking those bazookas In those days you took Reefa You took the Coke You put Bacon soda You put in the microwave oven

For 20 fucking seconds Bing Once you heard bing It was over You took that fucking thing out of rock Came out You crushed it up And you put in your joint

You took the lighter You crisped that motherfucking Coke rock Into the thing I remember one night I smoked so much I melted a bong Like the bong melted My wife

My girlfriend at the time Gave me a rubber bong Like a plastic bong And I was I ran out of rolling papers So I put the bazookas In the reefer And the fucking bong

And the bong melted It collapsed like the world trade center Yeah one fucking night I was also growing weed And I smoked the fucking premature weed Because I ran out of the world please I was a junkie from the fucking Gord Go Those bazookas

That's the same thing What's the thing? Francis Scott Key was smoking When he was at purple mountains And I was just being shit And he'd stand there And just look at the mountains And it was freaking

It was amazing And I went to that Then I did And I split Then he was the only there For a vacation You met Carl You got the chance to meet Carl

You got to see how How we would do it up there Then George came back to Boulder And that was completely fucking different George came back In September of 87 And I got in trouble Kidnapping Vella

November of 87 So George was there for the whole Newspaper article Dropping George What do you remember from that? I remember landing in Colorado I was about to become a cop Believe it or not

Falling in the 80s was a cop So he's like What are you going to do with yourself Like the Gordy test And stuff If I went 55 all night I scored like 6 out of 100 So I think I was ready

For my psych test And I said You know that I think I'm going to Colorado I said Where you going? I said You know I can't become a cop

Look at me Look at me What am I going to do? So I broke his heart I went out to Colorado I want my little giant T-shirt on And we just won the Super Bowl We landed in Denver

Who we just defeated And from there It's a blur It's a blur He picked me up there I started working with him At Boulder Chrysler Plymouth And what was the other place?

Hollister fucking Boulder Chrysler Plymouth Hollister Dodge Boulder Chrysler Plymouth George was renting out cars To strippers and shit Put fucking license plates It makes me the detailed guy

I was the detailed guy And charged you all the car keys For the whole lot Are you kidding me? He's got a demo Filled with quarters The whole dashboard The glove compartment

Because we were tapping the solar machine Like three times a week I had the master keys to the solar machine And this dumb solar guy Was taking quarters Counting the quarters And putting paper in there Like paper money

So all I had to do was open up the machine And in the changed thing There'd be 200 hours in singles So I'd take like a 50 for breakfast We'd go I mean it was our own personal ATM machine That's what we called it ATM machine

You just had to be there But the funniest thing There was a guy named Rob Danda That used to snort coke and sell cars And every time he'd get on the roll I'd steal his red pen And he couldn't sell a car Without his red pen

I would hide him in the drop ceiling But he used to sell coke And he had a wife And he's on Facebook I just left him on Facebook A couple weeks ago And he put I knew this man

When he was the car salesman He used to hide his coke Those ceilings When I'd go early When service would open I'd take the coke out Put like ashrins in there And then just take the coke

And I'd go back home And we'd do a couple more lines Before we'd get the Hollis The Dodds Climp women What do you remember The kidnapping girls? He was from New York Yes

Rob Danda was like From Syracuse or something Syracuse He was from back east And he thought he was old bad Over there Because he was from Syracuse Yeah

But we're from North Bergen We're from Hudson County We fucking stole his lunch We used to go there Remember Artie Pressler Was the coke dealer He was the sales manager He was the coke dealer

It was four salesmen All of us were high All fucking dead Everybody was front and cold Dale Jones Hamburger Hill Dale Jones You had the other guy

Who was out of jail That was a real good car salesman Who was that one guy? Oh, the bank robber He used to pick us up in the morning He looked like Charles Manson Yeah, that guy Yeah, he was a bank robber

He worked there with us too He had just gotten out of prison He was in the halfway house Like a little wall before me Chuck, Chuck And there was a nice lady There was a nice, nice quiet lady The older lady that would pick us up

Yeah, she would pick us up You always late in the mornings and shit Did we say that bank robber would rob banks On like his lunchtime? No, this is a different one That was Carlos Roberti from Boston This is a real bank robber That sold cars to us over there

He was an older guy He looked like Charles Manson Yeah, yeah, yeah He had glances like he was in a concentration camp Yeah, he had He was wired around He was a scary motherfucker Yeah, he was a scary motherfucker, though

This was amazing This was... And then we looked up with that fucking moron That half a son's anarchy did well Did well, yeah And Valor Before that, I was... I was...

The first time I drove in the snow out there I could two feet of snow So I was taking like... I had all the keys One day I would take a ram truck Four by four And it was a giant 1986 We were gonna...

How big were those trucks? Those ram... Fucking huge in those guys Oh, I was taking one... So I took about two I think we had two cars at the house Had one around the corner One in the driveway

And then the general manager Wanted to give me a ride home or something One day I'm like No, no, no, no I'll take the bus He said, no, no, no You did a good job today I'll take you home

I had two cars I had to have them drop me off on the corner And I ran That weekend I got popped, right? Yeah, because the bank would come To do an inventory check This guy had fucking ten cars He had the license plate at his house

What do you remember the kidnap in George? Real quick here Now, kidnapping, I remember It was a slam dunk It was an easy, easy, easy thing to do If we did it right the right way And what happened was It just didn't work out

You knew it was there You had the keys The guy was a moron And it just didn't work that week Something happened So then it went into the next week By that next week I pulled out

I said, listen I don't know about this I didn't believe he was going to have as much As it was supposed to be there So the kid well got involved And what's in that fifth guy? Oh, my God, I was scared shit I mean, he was a moron with guns

He was a moron That's the only one we'll describe He was a moron living with a beautiful dancer He was an ugly He actually looked like that guy orange Yeah, but you know what's funny about that? Listen to this He lived with a dancer

He tried to be captain's savior So he brought the chick to live with him, right? The chick was married This is why he was robbing this thing with me A lot of people don't remember this He told me that she was a nude stripper At 100 and Thornton She was fucking beautiful

She danced nude With a pussy out The clip, the whole fucking thing You weren't allowed to drink in those places You're allowed to bring bottles in So what he would do She was married She told him that she would sleep with him

Once he paid for her divorce Because she was Catholic She couldn't cheat on her husband She's dancing naked She's putting a clip in your fucking face for a dollar But meanwhile, he bought into it So his motivation of this whole thing Was to rob something

To end up with this girl The poor guy had a pit bull A car with stereos, tattoos A car with tinted windows A motorcycle He had every, he had the whole I need the attention Per package

The earring, the tattoos The fucking, the car With the tinted windows He had the Harley He knew this guy He knew Hells Angels He knew every strip club But the guy was a fucking dunce

He was a fucking dunce, the guy But you know what I remember After the kidnapping Went awra, awra You and I were sitting on the couch And I just thought about this The other day, he came back He said he wanted to rob a different guy

Do you remember that? He felt it was still tied up By this fucking mother's house And this guy is looking to rob Something else After he already fucked me And I fucked him He comes over

And I remember getting into An argument with him And he fucking left And he ended up getting busted With Tidwell And the trunk of the fuck With Vella and the trunk of the car And he was driving without his lights on

He was dumping them off Right, he was dumping them off He was dumping them off At the bus station To tell him to go to Arizona He was going to put them On a bus to Arizona Like this is going to work

And I'll tell you what the weird thing was You know that Vella Didn't rat me out, right? It was Tidwell Oh really? Yeah, Vella never mentioned My fucking name Years later

He never said nothing He said that he had been robbed It was Tidwell The fucking biker That knew everybody That was a fucking son's anarchy Park time He got caught with his hand

In the cooking jar He got caught He got ten fucking years I'll tell you what I knew He was a rat When I got sentenced He was a trustee He was on parole

When he did that But it was a violent crime He's walking around With a white suit on Telling people He's a fucking hell's angel And I'm like No, you're not a dog

You're a fucking trustee You're gonna be the fuck out Yeah Trustee I'm a fucking momo George, I love you cocksucker I'm happy you called today You're a bad motherfucker

I want you to call more often Because you know all about These fucking stories and shit So you gotta call You were there You've seen the transformation We were together When I started comedy

In 94 also George don't remember His head was in a different place But he was My initial fucking joke writer You know what I'm saying? He was the original man I would take him into the city

He told me he was gonna get A pack of cigarettes And he disappeared He said Give me fucking 20 bucks For cigarettes And he disappeared You know what I'm saying?

George had an agenda In those days I love you cocksucker Yeah, yeah, yeah Tell your grandma I love you And we'll talk in an hour So I'm happy you called in today

All right, I love you too Lee, take care Great job with everything, man And it's not Lee It's the flying Jew dog Lee is his street name His handle on fucking the thing Is the flying Jew

Get it together, cocksucker I love you All right, take care Stay black Bye Every once in a while I gotta bring those crazy motherfuckers Yeah

What's up? I wanna I wanna go around And I don't know Document whatever I just wanna talk to the people You worked for And just see what they remember

Just about Like, just The way you describe it Is every job And every place you lived And everyone Like, just I can't imagine what it was like

To approach from their side And this guy came in And all of a sudden I had to leave And I had to leave And I had to leave And that guy came in And all of a sudden

I had six credit cards And they were all maxed out And it wasn't even taken Out of my bedroom Dog, I was a fucking one-man Crime machine I don't even understand I'm not proud of it today

I sit here sometimes I was a 24-7 criminal Yeah You know, when you're a comedian You're always looking at The world through different eyes And whatnot It's very easy for me

Because when I was a criminal I looked at the world It's a cash register Yeah You're always looking Your eyes are always looking When I lived in Cliffside I would wake up in the morning

And some days I woke up About a dollar in my fucking pocket And I used to go to this Chinese restaurant Called the Enchanted Lily Fucking tremendous They never had enough Chinese people around

You're not gonna believe this I would eat lunch And I would go to the register And under the register They have a deposit bag I would zip it open To take like a 50 or 100 I'd pay for lunch

With their fucking money Walk over the fucking bridge You know Buy a bag of wheat reefer Get Cuban food Whatever the fuck I was doing that day And I'd go from I'd walk from 176th street

To like 100th street You know Just walking with a fucking Walkman on Thinking of plotting crimes Then I'd go to work at five And I'd start all over again You know

And I would keep a job To maintain some type of Whatever Structure, yeah Structure But I was always on the make I mean I was a fucking puke

I would dress up in a suit And go into office buildings And make believe I was selling phones Or something Whatever Okay But in the meantime

I'm looking for fucking Deposit boxes And open safe Or purse You know I mean That was my head at that time I was confused

I didn't know I was 21 years old I was waiting on a settlement Me and Cy Lawrence Had robbed Had fucking done An insurance scam And I was waiting

For this fucking money To come in Once it came in And you know Once it came in I just wanted out of North Bergen I thought that You know

I thought that if I would leave New Jersey My life would get better No I took my fucking magic Back to Colorado And people always say to me Why don't you come back

To Colorado You know I paid my debt to society In Colorado I went to prison I did my time But I always tell people I fucked Colorado

You know Colorado's not New York Or LA Or Chicago Or some fucking Hellhole city It's this beautiful piece Of fucking virgin land for me

I don't want them Rogan moved back from Boulder He looked at me When he goes Bro, I look around Boulder and I think of you It was like You were like a kid

In a fucking candy store Yeah You know I remember first getting The Boulder And they were The Pearl Street Mall And they had this cookie

Company there On the corner there Okay And dog I had ten thousand Dollars in the bank And I had three thousand At the house

And I was walking around With my two And I had credit cards So if the cops came in They couldn't find them And I would go to the weeds And use the credit card But this is how

Demented my need For action was I broke into Like what do you call those Antibes cookies Yeah That you see in the mall To have like a little hut

Like I broke into a fucking Cookie store I was just thinking about I broke into a cookie store For like thirty seven dollars It wasn't about the money At that time But you

You basically did it From eighteen To thirty something Twenty something But at that age I was twenty one That's at the point When I was leaving

I was fucking I didn't need to do this Shit Okay But I was such a junkie For action I loved action I was fucking

And he You ever watch the movie Yeah At the end They're all sitting there And they're thinking About leaving And De Niro says

To Danny Trejo And Val Kilmer And who's the other guy That was a junkie I don't remember He says to him You know We can all break this up

And we're all financially Tells the guy That he was on celebrity rehab He was married to And he went out He was like a great actor He says to him You know

Your wife takes care You got T-bills You don't need this And he looks He thinks and goes For me It's not the fucking money It's the action

Yeah The action is the fucking juice That's the juice That's how my man You know I always wanted to be doing Something I always wanted to be doing

Something I'm gonna break it into a Coffee thing A cookie place For thirty fucking seven Dollars I mean Are you fucking

Are you kidding me And this little white Goofy fuck That were like Exchange students And they would play the Egg guitars They were fucking

Goofy as shit And some Mexican kid Moved in It was like a Student house on the hill In Boulder 10, 12, 14th street I still remember

The fucking thing And this Mexican kid Moved in He'd always Break my balls About smoking Pop in my room Okay

You know In those days I was just laying In my room Listening to fucking Fucking problems And he would keep Knocking on my door

Saying hey You know Stop smoking pot We're all gonna Go to the gym And get the fuck out of My face But one day

Our rooms were connected There was a door And he would keep his Lock And that would keep Mine locked And one day I seen him

Where he was Hiding his money Like a little Shimp change You know I said Fuck this motherfucker Just to show him

Not the fuck with me I took his hundred dollars For that money I wasn't me I ate at my Three roommates The Chinese guy Would give him

Twenty a day And he cooked for me He would go to our Falfas by meat And cook healthy For me I was on a fucking There

In Boulder But that's why I don't go back Because I was a 24 Hour From there The cops Were looking for me

I went to San Francisco In San Francisco I dropped Fucking You know It was three months Of fucking crime You know

The night stalker Was killing people In San Francisco And that was around And then I went back To ask the snowman I continued My drug thing

It was a constant Way of living for me And now I wake up In the morning I think Where am I Gonna go on stage You know

That's how I replaced it You know It's so weird That I got into Comedy by mistake Like this week's Testicle Testament About comedy

And how When I first got into Comedy I was not gonna be able To do fucking comedy And how comedy won Comedy won You know

By the time You know Even in Seattle I was doing some kinky shit We had Josh Wolf On Beauty and the Beast A couple weeks ago We were talking about time

We were taking bets I was taking bets With Josh Wolf I would tell people I was gonna put the bet In front of them Yeah So what I would do

Is you call me And say New England Plus the seven tonight And I would say Yeah And I'd sit on it Okay

I wouldn't call you back I'd say I got caught doing comedy I was in a car In those days They weren't cell phones yet Okay Everybody had a cell phone We were living in Seattle

So I wouldn't call you back You obviously lose So I would just take your money This guy lost three weeks On a row Eight, nine hundred miles And one day it comes up And he's like dog

You're not fucking I wanna meet the book I'm not gonna pay I almost had to get this guy Beating on the middle Of fucking street He didn't wanna pay my money Finally paid me like half

But I was sitting on bets Here I am I was waiting on him Because I needed that money Gas money for my trip To fucking Whatever part of Washington I was going to

Okay You're following me I got arrested six times In fucking Seattle That's why I can't go there With Rogan People are you coming to Seattle First of all

I can't go there Because I got a warrant Number two I'm done with fucking Seattle With the fucking rain I love you motherfuckers I love Soundguard But it's a fucking nightmare

You live in Seattle, Lee It's three fucking weeks Of rain In the fucking row You wanna fucking Shoot yourself At least one thing I had about Seattle

Is that In New York It just stays cloudy For fucking four You're like Either still Get off the fucking Popcorn stuff

But in Seattle It rains for three fucking Weeks straight Oh rain So I don't know If I can go back But that's a fucking cop state Why would I

Wanna fucking go back I got arrested Five fucking times I went here Those motherfuckers Started with a jaywalking ticket A fucking jaywalking ticket And they arrested you?

Yeah, no I didn't show up for court Because I couldn't believe They even gave me A fucking jaywalking ticket And they came and got me out I need that shit in their life It's a police state

You gotta sit there First they have a thing Under investigation We gotta sit there For 72 fucking hours So they make up their fucking mind So if you get busted on a Friday Guess what, bitch

That's a long weekend Without no George Washington How are you How long down to Monday You gotta sit there all week Without no fucking goo in your head Your breath smells like shit Your asshole

You scared the fucking shit You know, you go to county jail For a weekend No It's a fucking night, man Black guys coming in there Stabbed I told Brooke Christia

If you think fucking black people Go to county jail Black people don't shut the fuck up In those fucking jails They talk all night It's a fucking party You gotta go to You wake up in the morning

Your ears are fucking swollen From people talking all fucking night About nothing About fucking nothing So I love Seattle I love the salmon Sounds like all that shit I ain't going back

Till they drop that fucking warrant 20 years later They still gotta warrant for me For fucking failure To go to anger management class You know, anger fucking management 20 fucking dollars 40 dollars every Saturday

That's my fucking cocaine money I'm already pissed When I would go to a fucking Anger management class Saturday at 9 a.m. Suck my fucking dick I'm going to get up at 9 o'clock And go sit with eight momos

And talk about anger Anger's being here That's in anger I gotta give you 40 That takes 40 out of my Snorting fucking money So it was either snorting Or anger management

That went with the fucking snort That's hilarious I never asked what the warrant was Snorting Yeah, for fucking failure To do a fucking program Anger management Because I got into a fight

At the fucking thing And I pulled that fucking Strip his head through So they fucking They put me in Charlie Cheese Group With some fucking fat fucking dude up there Anger They would ask me questions

About anger and all this I don't know nothing about anger Somebody calls your cops up And you smack them That's it, that ain't anger That's protection, you fuck Oh god, thank god He didn't go to those classes

Today I'm thinking about Going and buying a fucking Hyundai Sonata Oh, I just drove one of those Did you like it? I like it I like it It's either that or a Honda

But I've seen a Sonata And I was going to get a fucking Use it because you always want A two-year depreciation one So somebody else eats it So if I'm looking at a 211 Maybe a 212 They got a couple of 211s

For 19 grand So, because I just I have a used car But so if you buy a two-year-old car That the depreciation is the most Is the biggest in those first two years Yes So you'll still make

If you try to sell it back You'll make more of your money back Well, you don't make dick A car is a depreciation Like Abe Lincoln says You invest in what appreciates Not depreciates That's why you always lease

A fucking car You pay the more You pay the taxes Your insurance is a little fucking high But you have the least And you get a new car every three years Who wants to fucking invest in something It's a fucking money-paid car

And you know the fucking deal Yeah, it's got a 3.336,000 mile warranty Once the fucking 36,000 mile warranty The shit starts breaking down So you really don't want a car After fucking three years As a fucking ex-car salesman I'm telling you

You want to move around every three years Ford came back with a plan 20 years ago It was a two-year fucking lease People love it I'm looking Like I told my wife My wife likes the Sonata

Okay We test over the Alante Whatever the one underneath Alante And the Sonata You know me I'm a fucking Cuban Jew I want the little car

I don't give a fuck Because the bigger the car I got a bad right eye So all my cars I hit shit with the right side Every time they see me I got a dent in the fucking right side I got a fucked up headlight

Always Because my right fucking vision No patois You follow me So I need a small fucking car Look at my car I got more than that I drive by sound

I don't give a fuck You know me My guy goes My insurance is clean Knock on fucking wood I'm not going to kid you But You know

I got to get a car today So if anybody has a Hyundai dealer Hit me up Cops suck this We'll do a deal today in LA Or if you got a Honda dealer Toyota I don't mind

I got this guy I had Jeff Lebrecht He used to run Fucking The place in Longmont I used to know Marty Sadlow Longmont Honda

Whatever the fuck it is And I heard he's out here Running ten things You know the spedding boys Down here My man is down and fucking But I don't want to go that far I want to buy a car in the neighborhood

Because if you bring it back to service They all get pissed at you Leely Leely Yeah You know what I'm saying What's up you bad motherfucking Jew How you doing today You're still stoned

From that fucking banana bread Look at you Oh Jesus But yeah It's not great But yeah I felt it It's like

Within 20 minutes And I just I know Lisa's got the tingles When do they go away When you see the pink Parakeets It's a fucking

It's a ride It's completely different It's smoking It's a ride You don't know when It's like my girl Stacy says How's that edible

Whatever the fuck It's not It doesn't end No it doesn't Sometimes it doesn't end But you were tingling And I liked that Your little box

You bang one out Leely Tell me the truth You bang one out And besides Your little nut sack With a feather That's how you fall asleep With a feather

You whack off And clean your hands And you just lay in it Like a soldier Knock on the side Rub it into the blanket And fuck it Do what you need to do

It sucks if I bang One out of bed Now you gotta get up And take a piss Cause you gotta clean out the tube That always sucks So you might as well Come in the fucking toilet

Do what I do I got the turtleneck So I just put my finger On the turtleneck Let it swell up Like an anaconda And I just go to the toilet And it comes out

One fucking shot It goes in there Fucking hard Almost sinks the ship You know We got a big fucking week This week We got testicle testaments

Wednesday night We got Baltimore comedy factory Tickets are going fast Get that Yeah Get some tickets I can't wait to go to Baltimore I'm gonna fucking smoke some crack

Fuck it The streets are homicide I'm gonna smoke some fucking crack You know how I was hooked on crack For like three months, Lee? Jesus, I didn't know that Yeah, like in 99 or 98 I got, because I used to

Drive home on Selma From the comedy store at night And there were these two little fucking yams That were still in the corner And one night I thought they had coke So I went over What do you got?

He goes, rock I said, give me a fucking 20 He gave me a fucking boulder The size of my head And I go home I tried to snort it And my nose almost blew up And I told somebody

That's crack So if I couldn't get coke I would stop by there And hit the fucking can That's cheaper than coke, right? Yeah, you get a lot more And you get this accelerated And I was fucking crazy

My fingertips were fucking black And shit And my wife would smell it And she'd go, what's that? And I'd go, I don't know Something in the weed I would smoke it at night And I went to El Paso, Texas

That's where I broke the habit I had to go for two weeks Over the holidays one year And that's where I broke the crack habit But I was uncracked for three fucking months I didn't get skinny Obviously it didn't fucking work for me It was back in 98

Nothing happened If anything, I gained fucking weight I was the only fucking fat coke guy I can't believe I'm going on five years And part of all this That we're doing lately Is the tail end So thank you, Lee, for believing in me

It's tough to do business With an ex junkie No, it's great I got a lot out of it So it's going to be five years this November 15th, November 7th Over that fucking super bad It was because of super bad decay

I made a promise and no rehabs No hugs, just I just knew I had to do it Yeah, and you said I think it was on the podcast, actually You said, you don't think Even if you don't have the urges Or anything anymore You don't think you could do it

I don't think so If I did do it, I think I'd die on the spot I made a promise to her Love me to say that I made a promise to everybody who was watching me You know, since I was a little kid When my father died My mom always said that

My dad would look over me You know, he would look over me And I'd make promises and You know, the biggest promise You can make is to yourself Sometimes in this life So if you're having a hard time You make a promise

A man promise to yourself And things work out You stick to it sometimes Because you don't You know, when I got out of the halfway house In 87, my wife at the time Had a baby and I couldn't stop Snort and Co

I took him back And a lot of people go I'm having a kid My life's going to change Nothing's going to change I do everything I want to And I remember looking at the kid All coped up and going

She's not helping me stop this She's supposed to help me stop this And even the kid Even the threat of going Back to prison at that time Because if you piss hot That's why I was putting Draeno on my dick

If you piss hot If you piss hot You go back to jail Even the thought of All those things didn't stop me And one day a fucking cat Almost dying in my house I made a promise

And here I am Five years later Sometimes a promise Is all you need to yourself Guys, it's fucking Monday. I'm hoping you're having a great week. This is a fucked up podcast today We started with no direction. But listen, like I said, we got a great big week this week We got testicle testaments Wednesday night at the ice house. I'm doing it on comedy 6265771894

Then Thursday Friday Saturday Thursday Friday Saturday, I'm at the Baltimore comedy factory in Baltimore I don't know what the numbers are go to the web page gonna be a great show. I'm writing some new shit And you know me. I just like having a good time. My man Lee. What's happening? What's your week about just work and then are we doing this Wednesday? We're doing this fucking Wednesday. Yeah, we'll have a villa calling as a guest We'll have some good fucking people and hey, we dropped a new one this morning. Yeah, it's all right It's up there and then this one uh, we'll be public on Wednesday Wednesday. Just to know what else you got going on this week I guess that's it man. I'm working 50 hours a week and see how big my wife is getting. Oh, she's beautiful. It's uh, it's big

It's good to see and it's uh, it's three months away or something, right? Yeah, I'm getting more accept more exciting You know what you guys are making me excited by listening and supporting the podcast and like I said my attorneys don't look over the sponsorship So please people I got a lot of emails. I forward them all last night We're gonna look through them and we're gonna make our decisions and we'll get back to you and we'll see We don't want the fucking whole show to be sponsored. No, you know, I can't have 20 sponsors I don't do like maybe two at a time and it's not because of you or whatever So please bear with us and that's it my man. I'm looking for the sonata So if you know anybody in the fucking Valley hit me up

I was gonna go to keys tonight my man Omar whatever little Mexican guy, but that's it brother I'm happy you guys made it this morning. Remember. It's Monday. Whatever happens today sets into the whole fucking week You're from the church a motherfucker. What's happening now mind your business sling dick Be good to fucking people and everything else works out man. Love the motherfuckers around you You know that these guys call for me. I want to thank George. These guys call for me It's 30 years. I've been running with these guys, but they know my love for them. That's why they go Yeah, there you go. I love the cocksucker tonight. We got nothing Denver again. Who's playing then? I know it's Seattle against Greenback We went one for one yesterday. We had the under on the Broncos. Yeah, we had the no

We had the over on the Broncos under under on New England I bet against what I told you don't bet with or against your fucking home team and that's your home team cocksucker I'm sorry. I wouldn't do it again. Little James Brown the big payback. What happened and shit today's Monday Little James Brown for you motherfuckers. Like I said God bless you Buddha bless you Santeria bless you the Jew God bless you everybody throw her the Hindu God bless you Duncan's podcast support Beauty and the Beast Ari Shafir the skeptic tank as always my man play it Always my man Joe Rogan with the experience red band with that's why we love you at all. All right. Have a fucking great weekend

Here you go. This is the attitude you go out with today the big motherfucking payback because that's what you're doing Go sling some dick in this big fucking world. I love you. Please hit him with a kiss I